The Venice Blog

Reminiscing

2017-10-29T12:37:00.001-05:00

I closed my eyes and I watched as the clock just rolled backwards, or so I wished it would. Forget the moments that made me hate you, forget the moment when I acknowledged my otherness, and more importantly the moment when I erased it from the course of human existence. I realize and have always known that there would be no going back, yet I never thought I'd ever want to. I guess you're not as mature at thirteen as you'd like to think you are. Going through the motions in my head over and over again, hoping that I'll somehow find something that I had overlooked beforehand, but it never happens. I don't think I'd do anything differently now, because even as a kid, I knew I never belonged to that world. I remember sitting on my windowsill, yearning for more and wondering when it would come and in what form. Well it came, and all I can say know is be truly careful of what you wish for.

The Journey

2015-11-09T15:12:00.002-06:00

I realize now why it is I'm comfortable being alone; having to choose between two worlds is impossible, but if I had to choose, the latter of the two would win. I've seen that we've both strayed much too far from each other to remain in this situation for any longer, but you'll always hold a special place in my heart. I guess moving forward is just another part of life, we lose some along the way, but here's to hoping that the most important ones are always there— next to you when you need them most. As for the winner, I don't think its much of a surprise you seem to get me like no one ever has. So here's to you... and the hope of a better tomorrow.

P.S. Know that I never meant to hurt you in any way, and I apologize sincerely if anything I ever did or will do offends you. Circumstance is a funny thing, especially when you had no voice in its making.

Unconditionally

2015-04-26T16:01:00.001-05:00

You'll live in me forever and I apologize for having to erase you from all of history. Sometimes I sit and wonder how things would have turned out if you were here in my stead, but then I remind myself that it's better not to think of the what if's; once you cloud your mind with them, you'll forget to live in reality. You were so nice and charming and somehow the world caught up with you and you heart turned to stone...emotionless and impossible to connect with. You shunned everyone out and with good reason, and yet I sit here wondering if it were possible for you to change your ways, be the person you used to be. A fantasy I know, but we all have dreams we hope will come true.

* * * *

It's never too late to be who you might have been...always remember: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

Magical

2015-04-26T00:29:00.000-05:00

So far away now...I look back and I wish you were here with me, but I guess it's true what they say, fairy tale endings don't happen in real life. Reminiscing is usually comforting and time truly is the only thing that can heal the wounds of the heart. You took me deeper than my feet could ever wander. The time we shared together was magical and inspiring—you're in my bones, in my blood, and in my heart—I'd have to tear myself open to let you go. That's why magical is the only way to describe the brief moments we shared together, because when we speak of magic we should speak of the moments that were the purest, when the stars were bright and the laughter was loud, those are the most magical moments in life. Though bittersweet now, I know one day there'll be nothing but smiles that arise from within me when I remember your name.

Finding Oneself

2015-04-26T00:26:00.000-05:00

What happens when you look in the mirror and all you see is one giant question mark? When you realize you have no idea what to do in this thing called life and that you're not sure you ever will. Everyone tells you to take a breath and relax, but what happens when you begin to see relaxation as time wasted? When you can't seem to make sense of the choices you've made and you wonder wether you ever will? I can't remember ever being in a place where I felt truly happy—whatever that word means. My life has been one misstep after another and I can't seem to figure out how to get the train back on the track...that statement however, presumes the existence of a track, one that I'm not sure I'll ever find. I see my soulless nature and question whether there was anything pure in me...whether god put me on this place we call earth for a purpose or whether I'm just meant to whither away with the leaves in autumn. I've built my walls higher than anyone could ever imagine and I don't think I'll ever be able to break them down. I've grown tired of kicking everyone and everything to the curb and this is me claiming the right to infinity. One which doesn't necessarily abide by the rules set forth by my predecessors, but rules set in place by those individuals who are revered—those who may have fought and didn't really lose.

Stronger

2015-04-26T00:06:00.000-05:00

I hope you see this someday and feel some sense of closure. I hope you look back and realize how toxic our friendship really was. You gave me so much and I truly value every second we spent together. I’ll never in a million years regret meeting you, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you know. Despite being almost family, I felt as though I never measured up to you—and now every time I see you I turn the other way. I don’t want to relive those two years and I don’t want to hear about how well you’re doing now—that’s mostly why I don’t think what we had was meant to last. You stopped caring, you started taking me for granted, and you cared too much about what others said about you. I stand alone now because I never stop caring, I would never take anyone for granted, and most importantly I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about me. I look back now and I realize what they say is true, hindsight is always 20/20. I still remember the last time we talked, you probably don’t but I remember how I hung up the phone before even saying goodbye. That’s when I realized you truly didn’t care, when you made me the person behind the camera and not someone next to you. So, am I bitter’? Yea, maybe a little. But if there’s something I’ve learned throughout my twenty-two years on this earth is that time heals all wounds, slowly… and even if it doesn’t it helps you forget. So cheers to you and the rest of your life, I hope you’re truly happy with the decisions you’ve made—I know I am. I chose people who I know will be at my side till the day I die and I wouldn’t change that for the world. They mean everything to me…I guess I just never meant that much to you.

How Long Will I Love You

2014-09-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

The sun was glistening, the wind was blowing, and the weather was just what you'd expect it to be on a breezy autumn day. I remember watching the trees as the wind made them sway from one direction to another, and as I watched a singular dried-up orange leaf fall from above a man walked up to me. He started to pet James, my dog, and asked a rather odd question. He asked, "Did you know her?" I was puzzled by it initially and then all of a sudden my heart sank into an oblivion so dark I had no clue what to do nor where I was. A million memories flashed through my mind but I just smiled and said, "I used to." As I started to walk away a tear made its way down my check and I began to remember—how you made me smile, your laugh, your simplicity and them I thought to my self, "How long will I love you?" and I said to my self "As long as there are stars above me and longer if I can."

Dusk is Upon Us

2014-09-02T22:28:00.002-05:00

For a while there the lights dimmed, the streets were silent, and a vague sense of insecurity began to seep into my state of being. I knew not who I was nor whom I wanted to be - I fell numb against the world...experiencing, but not feeling...seeing, yet never believing. I don't know if anything has changed in respect to these anomalies, but accepting their existence within one's self is the first step in overcoming their strain on one's soul...the constant and ever-present weight on one's shoulders will one day be lifted—or so we hope—and we'll be left with a state of bliss so invigorating we'll strive to be constantly overcome by it.

Redemption

2014-04-28T23:43:00.001-05:00

In it's most literal form, redemption is seen as a step ahead of absolution; it's the chance for an individual to acknowledge their humanity and make peace with those they've harmed. Yet once you've crossed that line going back is never an option, and lets just say I crossed that line long ago. I've seen how letting go was the easy way out, and I sincerely believed it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Seeing you and having you care for me was like having you stab me with a blade again and again. Having once thought you didn't care, I now see it was sympathy you felt; and I threw punch after punch, begging and pleading to forget the day we were intertwined in the history of the human race. So this is my apology to you, I now you'll never read it...but it's the best I can do knowing that I made a decision that cannot be undone, but know that I'll never regret it – regrets eat you from the inside out, and I can't have my demons fighting with each other – that would make it impossible for me to move on.

Eternal Faith

2014-02-20T11:22:00.001-06:00

Save me a seat up there...I'd say I'll pray for you, but in reality you're the one who should probably be praying for me. I know we weren't close per say, but I knew enough about you to share how amazing you were. You were the Mother Teresa of our family, and I guess it's true what they say, the good really do die young. Too young. So here's the best I can do to honor your memory, it isn't much but I feel like you should be memorialized for all of eternity. You touched more people's hearts than I can ever imagine, and you were definitely more caring then I could ever be. I hope you lived a truly happy life, it sure seemed like you did. You always saw the good in everything, even when I though there was no good left; so here's to hoping I'll be half as positive at you were one day.

P.S. The one physical object you gave me years ago will be with me always, pinned over my heart. May you rest in peace for all of eternity. I know I'll see you again one day, till then, Adios.

Anti-Nostalgic

2014-02-10T23:18:00.001-06:00

The lights have completely faded now; I live in this lie I've created for myself and I'll never again have to deal with differentiating between identities. I keep looking back and I realize now that there's nothing I could have done to have some say in how you screwed up and ruined everything. I think that's what makes me anti-nostaligic, the fact that I was completely and utterly helpless; I saw my life flashing before me and I knew that any moment could be my last. I treasured every last breath of air because there was a moment when I truly believed it would be. Looking back, I remember how my heart raced faster than a steed galloping across the prairie, and yet... time moved ever so slowly; at that moment I prayed that it would be quick and painless. I think it was at that moment when I stopped believing...I couldn't fathom the fact that anyone could be put through such distinct torture. Then again, falling asleep was the worst; knowing that someone was out there...looking...hunting us down, I closed in and I haven't opened up since then.

Infinities

2014-01-02T14:44:00.000-06:00

Looking out the window as if something in the scenery were to somehow magically change, but everything is completely still; only the snow moves through the air in every which way and a part of me wishes I could fly away with it. Float through the air and just drift…land somewhere unknown and just breathe it all in. I remember as a kid people always said each and every snowflake was unique…and I thought to myself: how unique can they be when the majority of them never get noticed? There’s a certain peace that comes with the realization that we’re just snowflakes in the grand scheme of things…eventually we’ll all fade into oblivion. Yet, acknowledge that you leave your footprint in the lives of others, that even though you may not be forever immortalized…you are forever immortalized in the lives and hearts of the souls you touched.

Say Something...

2013-12-27T22:32:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I dream of telling you ...I dream that in some far off parallel universe you feel the same way about me. Then I remember I'm only fooling myself into a false reality. The truth is I wish I could tell you, but the words on this page will have to suffice because opening up like that is so improbable, the collision of the earth and stars seems to be more likely than you ever knowing how I feel about you. The idea of being an open book scares the living daylights out of me, and yet I'm so envious of those who aren't afraid of being turned down. Everyone puts up walls they hide behind, but how long do they last before they come crumbling down, and you're left without any way or form of protecting yourself ...only then will you know who you truly are.

Haunted Anniversary

2013-11-01T11:21:00.001-05:00

Having gone through hell and back, nothing seems so bad after having survived that tragedy. It's all a blur, almost as grey as this rainy October day, and then I remember...it all began on this Hallowed Eve; forgetting and at the same time remembering it drives me insane sometimes. The scenes pass through my head as if it happened yesterday; yet it's been eight years now...eight exhausting and crippling years that have lent themselves to secrecy and hiding. Never knowing what might happen two seconds from the now, never knowing what demons will come running out from the shadows, you begin to live in fear. Fear that someday everything will come to the light and you'll have to run; pack your bags and leave...again.

Retribution

2013-10-30T00:18:00.001-05:00

A lucid enough concept for some, yet retribution falls on tempestuous waters even when done correctly. At times the line between revenge and retribution is vague at best, distinguishing between them may mean the difference between life and death. Remaining calm in a situation so perilous is impossible for most, yet having survived the impossible makes me immune to such circumstances. I somehow see clearly through the chaos, and remain composed in the midst of turmoil. It's a skill I learned at too young an age, and will likely never forget. Explaining my choices in these circumstances is next to impossible and I will likely never be able to do so, which is why the only thing I can ask of anyone is to be understanding of how it is I got to where I am today, and know that any decisions I made, were made because of circumstances no adult should have to face and much less a thirteen year-old boy.

Retaliation

2013-10-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

I guess it could be said that we all cope with loss in different ways; each way as unique as the experience which got us to that point. As they say, always remember to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. As a rule of thumb, however, these categories are in no ways fixed; people fluctuate from one to another and you don't even realize it. Leaving is always an option, but there's no room for quitters in my opinion. Somehow, I've realized you never regret by attacking anything head on.

P.S. Be smart in your pursuit, emotions can cloud your judgment; and once you feel anything, all hope is lost.

A Love Like No Other

2013-10-06T15:33:00.001-05:00

One more time, that's all I ask of you. Don't forget how we felt in that moment; it seemed infinite and eternal at the time...but like all great things, it came to an end. Level the playing field and run with me, forget the differences between us and take a chance. Know that at the end of the day it's not the everyday things you remember, but the times you went against what every inkling your body and soul told you to do, those are the eternalized moments that live within us forever. Take my hand and jump into an abyss so deep you'll forget about second-guessing yourself and just let go.

P.S. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.

Perfection

2013-10-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

I've always admired you. You look at impossible situations as obstacles that just haven't been overcome yet. I'm speaking from experience when I tell you not to run away from who you really are, embrace it each and everyday. I see much of you in myself actually, I once dictated my every move based off of the perceptions others had of me. The day I decided I'd had enough of that torment, was the singular most amazing day of my life. You are liberated into a blissful state of existence that you never want to let go of. I guess you have to realize that you owe anything to anyone, sure I realize saying this is a lot easier than actually going through with it, but I know you're strong enough. Self-respect is the most important thing an individual can have, without it you lose yourself completely. And at the end of the day, perfection is overrated; it's the small blemishes in everyone that make us shine as much as brightly as we do.

P.S. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.

Judgment

2013-09-25T11:27:00.002-05:00

I guess most people call this feeling butterflies, yet somehow it's different; it feels like before... but at the same time it's utterly different. My mid tells me to stop and think twice, that you've gone down this path once already. Conversely my heart tells me to ignore this and try something that feels completely wrong for all the right reasons. Give me a sign, however small, I just need to know I'm making the right decision. I don't know what it is, but I can't stand being wrong; it's a possibility I wish were completely impossible. I only wish I could see the light at the end of this obscure road.

P.S. "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."

Equinox

2013-09-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

Slowly but surely time passes... things change, and at the end of the day you have to decide whether to move along with it all or to be left behind in the dust. I'm not going to lie, I was left in the ruble; but something changed... I guess you could say I did. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I realized I never needed you and all you ever did was wreck me. Call me a traitor, a deserter, or even a hypocrite; I honestly don't care anymore. I fell like a leaf, but you never expected the wind to lift me above all the mediocrity that is what you call life. My Father and Mother taught me better than to ever trust you again, born from the ashes the phoenix will always rise again; more beautiful and powerful than ever before. So on this day of change I mark what it is I've left behind, and I so faithfully promise to never look back.

XOXO

Once Upon A Time

2013-09-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

I remember it as if it were yesterday; holding hands in the Swiss Alps, riding down a canal in a gondola, and kissing by the Trevi Fountain in Rome. I thought you were my everything, and something inside me tells me you felt it too. I flash back to the moment when you took my hand, slowly... it was strange, yet it felt so right. We sat on a bench and you leaned your head on my shoulder... we talked for what seemed like hours. You were beautiful; and I don't think you ever realized that, and I was to afraid to tell you. So I guess this is me telling you now. Wishing I would have told you while we were riding down that majestic city. Wishing I would have told you standing next to you in front of the most romantic fountain I had ever seen. As I have these flash backs the only thing I wonder is, would it have made a difference? I don't think it would have...

An Inquiry

2013-09-10T22:59:00.000-05:00

I sit here and feel the cold air fill my lungs ever so slowly, waiting for time to pull me along. Objects of the era scattered about; lucky are they, the non-living who are immortal… yet, they were never breathing to begin with. Is it truly better to have lived through something than to have the satisfaction of believing yourself to good to even give it a chance? I honestly don’t know the answer to this question, nor do I think I ever will. Eventually one thing or another’s makes the decision for you. One thing is certain though, making someone push you off the cliff leaves room for regret, something I don’t think anyone should take to their grave.

Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow.

Enraged

2013-09-05T00:33:00.001-05:00

It's as though the entire world just stood still for a moment, I couldn't process what my eyes were taking in. This disconnect made me sick to my stomach and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Everything began to move; just when I felt as though I was standing on solid ground you went ahead and yanked the floor from under me. I'm done. I told myself not to let you in... and I was right. Have a great life, because I'm through with you. Don't come knocking on my door because I'm telling you right now, there won't be anyone there to answer it later. I knew from the very beginning you were a mistake, yet somehow I convinced myself otherwise. Never again.

Perspective

2013-08-20T11:52:00.001-05:00

In the grand scheme of things, very few events are truly important. Carpe diem they say...seize the day. Some say cliché, yet if you live everyday as if it were your last, one day you'll certainly be right. Every once in a while step outside the box and place everything into perspective... are you really, truly happy? As Steve Jobs said, when the answer has been "no" for too many days in a row...change something. Try something different. Don't be afraid to disappoint, because at the end of the day it's your life and not anyone else's.

In remembrance of someone who lived life to the fullest each and every day.

Memoir 4736

2013-07-23T15:14:00.001-05:00

I froze... the sight in front of me was unbearable. I walked slowly through what I remembered to be a happy place. Somewhere kings once ruled and made proclamations; somewhere dragons ruled the skies and roamed through the never ending lands; somewhere lava ran down the mountainside and roaring rivers rushed through the valley. All of this is gone now... tainted by the same evil I have long since forgotten. All that remains are the ruins of this grand place I once saw as an escape from reality. I, however, have the consolation of knowing the memories will remain with me forever... you'll never be able to take those from me.