The Vintage Volume

Not to mention under-blanket "cuddling"

2009-10-31T23:52:00.003-04:00

So October came and went, and I'd like to think it was a pretty good month. I had a great time visiting family and friends, got treated to some drinking and clubbing for my 21st, and strangely enough, I'm actually looking forward to this winter. Hockey, snowball fights, Christmas, spiked coffee, a lengthy tome, crackling fires; what can I say, winter is pretty much the shiz.

If you don't see me around here much it's because I'm still trying to figure out this social networking thing. Facebook has got me, Twitter needs updates, and I think I want to spend a little more time updating my Strip blog.

But more than anything, this season is just a really busy time of year. Hopefully I'll see you when the dust settles. Until then.

You can quote me on this

2009-10-14T23:35:00.003-04:00

My family: Eccentric, lovable, unique, loyal; and as of late, sadly under-appreciated. Being here at my family's place for a visit has reinforced and reminded me of just how much I love, need, and appreciate them.

Sure, every family has it's issues. Mine is no different. But I see here people who love and care for me, who will stand by me come what may. This makes me see what our little differences and difficulties amount to when compared to our family bonds: nothing.

And while this may sound corny, I maintain that it's the truth, and as such, I believe it with all my heart: I have the best family in the world. I'm in the family that's just right for me.

Make an exception

2009-05-11T00:28:00.002-04:00

We want to see the worse in people. Because maybe then, we'll have a just cause for our cynicism. But, there's always that one individual that defies all our preconceived notions about life and "reality", and we're forced to pause and rethink our theories. That exception, that legend of hope that shows its glorious face in the simple kindness of a humble soul.

Maybe our outlook is a little bleak. Maybe it's tainted by bitterness and hurt from the past.

And with this newfound perspective, we crawl out of our minute, dark boxes and see the world for what it really is. When this happens, the exception becomes a rule.

2 A.M.

2009-05-04T23:23:00.002-04:00

These wide eyes
Aren't seeing
And if you only listened
You'd whisper
Grasping at ghosts

The old is better

2009-04-19T20:39:00.002-04:00

The Vintage Volume is back to it's former template. I got tired of screwing around with the previous one, it's vintage background isn't worth the endless tweaking.

Then lie awake

2009-04-19T02:36:00.002-04:00

It's a whisper in the air, when the soft glow of the moon wafts over my trembling eyelids. It colors my sunsets gray, and chills my reason; when idle thoughts drift lazily through a hazy mind.

Sleep, my child. Sleep is for the dead.

Stay tuned! (But if you switch the channel, I won't blame you)

2009-04-12T23:57:00.004-04:00

A lack of updates means I'm busy with life, right? At least that's the believable excuse that's popular these days; but really, I'm just lazy.
I've been thinking of starting a weekly posting schedule, a weekly column, if you will. The reason you haven't seen this yet is because I'm not sure that I'll be able to commit to that, but it's still a great thought and I hope I'll be able to convince myself.

Who the heck has time for these things anyway?

Now this is Vintage

2009-03-17T21:19:00.004-04:00

New template up, needs some tweaks. There's a few elements that I really don't like but I hope to change them soon. I still wish I knew how to build a snazzy website from scratch, but I don't have the time to learn. This'll do for now.

From the inside out

2009-03-16T17:46:00.004-04:00

I was going over my drafts and editing all sorts of prose and free verse when a thought hit me: people liked this blog better when I was "emo". When I spilt guts. When I let 'em have it. When my thoughts weren't secret and my feelings were all over the goddamn place. I think I lost most of my readership when I decided to take a break from passionate postings. Hell, it's all still here, I just don't feel like posting it. But maybe that'll change. I'm sure there's a compromise to be found. I just got sloppy; I needed a break.

Recently I found myself rewriting my novelette "My Dear Child". In between completely rewriting the ending and adding more introspective dialogue, it dawned on me: I had forgotten how good it felt to lay down a little of myself into emotive, concise sentences. I've been writing/editing in bits and pieces, and every second of it is a joy.

I found my muse again. Or rather, she found me.

Que?

2009-03-07T00:12:00.004-05:00

Nothing I have to say comes out longer than 140 words, so I guess my Twitter is taking over as my preferred means of communication. Even then, it's quite empty.

Goshdarn I'm ashamed.

Goshdarn? The **** is wrong with my vocabulary?

Will ya look at those shoulders

2009-02-12T21:21:00.002-05:00

Here's a little gem I found, right in time for Valentine's.

Something about a word picture

2009-02-12T00:16:00.005-05:00

Really, it's become a rather trite subject, this boohoo-I've-got-a-hole-in-my-heart business. Sometimes I feel schizophrenic, like my evil emo twin is posting on this blog and making me look like an idiot. I hate seeing pieces of half-written, powerless, inexpressive prose on this webpage. I think I'll just delete them all. I can write better than that crap. Really.

When cars were a novelty, I'm sure that when one passed by people stopped to awe over it. Now, cars being an accepted and widely used form of transportation, one would be considered a schmuck of sorts if he stopped in his tracks to stare. There are too many "cars" (whiny grievances) in this little highway of my life, and stopping to write about them is a waste of time and makes me a schmuck of sorts. My personal issues aren't so novel anymore.

Now, it's really just part of my personality to want to express my innermost feelings, but I guess I had to learn self-control at some point, now being better than never. This is not really an apology, and I'm not saying I'm never going to attempt to write something that is emotional and straight from my heart (*gush*), but I am truly and honestly sick of half-witted attempts at expressing something which I hardly care to express anymore. I guess all I'm saying is that I need to switch my subjects up, for crying out loud. Pain and sorrow are not even that big a part of my life, anyway.

I feel the need to reinvent myself. And maybe, who knows, I might be schizophrenic after all.

All that remains

2009-02-01T02:38:00.002-05:00

I don't like this feeling. What is it? Regret, perhaps? It's a ghost limb feeling; there's no warmth where you once lay.

I can't bring myself to believe that I want, I need to have you here. Right next to me. But I'll roll over and leave a space of the bed empty, because I'm going to sleep tonight. Without you.

I Thought It Over

2009-01-28T00:13:00.003-05:00

When you peered
into me,
you sneered
at what
you saw.
Now
I need
a new place to hide.
There's nowhere for you
in the only
bruised but alive
corner
of a heart
that slowly
dies.

I guess disappointment is all I'll ever find in you. Still, I keep hoping.

Another One

2009-01-11T23:34:00.004-05:00

Hey, Happy New Year. Yeah, I know it's late, but it never really feels like a new year until a week after, at least for me.

I hope you're all enjoying it.

I got a Twitter; never really liked those but figured it was a way to keep people updated in between my bi-weekly posts. Blogging is a chore now. Ah, damn. I've been feeling like crap lately. I think I've hit a low in my life and I feel like I'm not accomplishing much. It's hard to smile and act like nothing's wrong, but when I let it show I just get people asking me if I'm angry. Ha, I don't blame them. I just wish I was around people I know, people who understand me when stuff like this goes down.

That's all folks.

They say that truth hurts

2008-12-29T00:53:00.006-05:00

New Year's is coming up. I won't post my resolutions this year; I got a personal list with goals broken down into small, doable steps. If I had done that with last year's list, I might be looking at some real progress today.

I've come to realize that a reasonable amount of cynicism coats my thinking and speech. I think it's a byproduct of my over-idealistic days, back when I thought people I loved and respected were perfect and love was something that came without mistakes and heartbreak. It's something that causes internal struggle at times.

Looking back at my attitudes and mentalities over the past years, or even last year, makes my current outlook feel a little colder and cynical. Is this growing up? I know I've had to give up some naive views on life, but where's the line? It makes me feel a little wiser, better now that I let go of that view that made me stupid and susceptible to pain and failure, but am I really better off? Does it make me happier?

I think cynicism just shows our inherent need for those idealistic concepts we ridicule. Sure, reality isn't that rosy, but I don't want to give up dreaming just because it all goes away when I wake.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T18:02:00.002-05:00

My best regards and well wishes to all of you! Party hard, have fun, and take time to enjoy this season. Merry Christmas!

(This post is sadly lacking one of those pictures in which I wear a really contrived smile; reason being that it's the tenth photo and the photographer still isn't happy with the shot. I will try to produce one soon, and post it here in place of this explanation which does nothing more than express my distaste of having to pose for Christmas pictures.)

Congratulations, Chris and Stephanie!

2008-12-15T13:43:00.005-05:00

I want to give a special shout out to my homeboy Chris and his lovely bride-to-be, Stephanie, for their plans to tie the proverbial knot! Congratulations, guys! All the best to you; may you live happily together and make lots of crazy little Irish kids with all the charm of Chris and the beauty of Te-te (Chris would contest that it's vice versa, heh).

(Happy Belated Birthday, Chris! Down a few margaritas for me, will ya?)

Creation To Chaos

2008-12-05T10:53:00.004-05:00

Head over here to check out the latest by Spirit Tree. (Joe, it seems you missed this release and Naked's Drugstore, another album to check out.)

I would recommend track 12, All This (Acoustic). It hooked me immediately, and hasn't let go even after six listens. I guess I'm a sucker for acoustic songs that pack an emotional punch. This song bleeds sincere desperation.

It falls away
It falls like rain
Like water through my hands

Today it's italics

Scars

2008-11-28T01:29:00.002-05:00

Shhh
Don't lose your grip
On what we believe is
Reality
A cold hard floor
Glass in hand
Nose deep
In my own stench
Up to my chin
In unshakable guilt
Too choked to scream
Released from their cage
Every foul feeling
Surged in triumph
They coursed in glee
Through a powerless being
I reached for perfection
It brought me here
I reached for a star
It fell to earth
Pinning me
So whisper
If you pass me by
You are climbing
I'm still right here
If you linger
Touch my cheek
Let my scars
Heal you
Light a candle
But don't stay
I'm no hero
You are beautiful
In a beautiful world
Never lose
That innocent wonder
Crimson roses bloom
In drinking bittersweet tears
Shed by dismal clouds

¿Quiero cafe con leche?

2008-11-15T18:21:00.003-05:00

I'm having a good time here in Costa Rica, that, and it rains too much. I've got pictures, but I can't upload them here. I'm convinced that this computer has just wiped my flash drive. Internet cafes and their ancient desktops. It's hard to explain my frustration.

Costa Rica is lovely (yes, darlings), and yet strangely enough I miss the snow and feel of good ol' Canada. Gosh, I've been in Canada for too long...

I'm considering getting a tatoo while I'm here. Nothing too big or daring, we'll see.

Mas Tequila, por favor!

My Summer in November

2008-11-01T02:43:00.002-04:00

I'll be visiting my family in Costa Rica for a few weeks; I want to say that I sincerely apologize for the lack of updates. If my blog is supposed to reflect my life, I guess you could say that my life is a little like this blog: dry.

Change isn't a one time thing. I'm praying for some direction. Hopefully this breather will give me a chance to put things back into perspective, and then I'll launch out from there. Support in the form of prayers is, as always, deeply appreciated.

Thank you and goodnight.

Helpless

2008-08-29T01:35:00.002-04:00

I see you standing there
You look so alone
Surrounded by well-meaning victims
Of the life they live for you
How long have you worn that smile?

Imprisoned little tear
Held down with spells of laughter
Silently screaming for release
But who would listen
Who would care?

Our good days are gone
We outran the sun
Take my hand
But just to say goodbye
It's all downhill from here

I'm not going to say
I should have held on a little longer
It takes a stronger man
So take my photo off the wall
I wanted better for you

It happens every night

2008-08-22T01:29:00.006-04:00

He awakens with a start. His eyes dart around cautiously; quickly he throws his hands under his blanket, his limbs becoming tangled in a mess of writhing sheets. "It's gone..." he stammers in confusion while wrestling with the bedsheets, searching for whatever-IT-is.

Clearly my sleep will be disturbed tonight.

No Longer Running

2008-07-21T23:43:00.004-04:00

All these words don't mean a thing to you, but if there's one message I could convey to you in this jumble of letters and punctuation marks, it would be this: Thank you.

I never realized how beautiful and short life is. Every second counts. I think I see that now. Running around trying to be a superhero, trying to right every wrong, trying to prevent anything from screwing up; that only kills me and solves nothing. The best I can do is just be true to myself and take the good with the bad. That's life.

Life is a beautiful thing. Absit invidia, absit damnum. I refuse to hate. I refuse to let bitterness destroy me. It took everything I loved from me once. I won't let it do that again.

When I embrace it all, the good and the bad, I grow. I change. I allow myself to learn and mature. I can see my mistakes, admit them, and benefit from them. You are not worth hating. Without you, there wouldn't be a me. We need each other to survive. Life is grey without the rich experiences you offer.

I never said thank you for that.