The Voice of God

The Best of 'The Voice of God'

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 04:26:00 -0800

Hello and welcome to The Voice of God.

The Voice of God is a comedy project. This is its premise: God is angry, bitter, drunk, and has had it up to here with the whole lot of us. He has decided to start a daily blog – a podcast – in which He tells us exactly what He thinks with us.

The first part of the project has ended after four months, leaving us with 111 comedy podcasts and nearly five hours of comedy.

HERE ARE THE BEST PODCASTS:

We learned about how bitter God is with I’m Not Bitter. Later on, God’s bitterness resurfaced when readers dared ask Are You Really God?

We also learned that God hates everyone. He thinks men suck, women suck, feminism sucks, religious people suck (He even took the time to take on all three monotheistic religions at once in Religious People Really Suck), and that Stan Lee is His ultimate archnemesis. In fact, when the list got too long, people complained that He is insulting. God tried to explain Himself in Me? Insulting? and ended up insulting everyone even worse than before. When His girlfriend discovered what God said about women, she made Him read a completely voluntary statement.

Dead people in Heaven drive God crazy. Einstein scared God half to death when he told Him that sometimes He exists, and sometimes He doesn’t. Whenever Doctor Seuss comes to visit, God can’t stop rhyming for seven whole days!

Sometimes, God accidentally mentions His penis.

Since God has a blog, He also answers readers’ emails. Sometimes, though, they ask stupid questions. Sometimes the blind ask to be healed. Now you know that can only mean trouble, don’t you? When a person who actually loves God wrote to Him, we discovered the orgasmic power of prayer. A new mother rediscovered God and sent Him an email, only to receive His ire, not once, but twice. In our first email series, God took on Melissa, a cute six-year-old girl who asked Him to save her sister: Melissa, That Bitch Melissa Again, then A Line in the Sand. Sometimes, though, it’s as if people want God to yell at them.

God is prone to nostalgia. In His podcasts, he recalled the good old times like slavery, losing His virginity, songs priests sang to Him, how Moses loved the paparazzi, or even the one and only Marshmallow Jesus.

Some of the things God did in this blog can’t be categorized easily: When God got questions about His British accent, He tried assuming a horrific Texan accent. God likened Himself to Bond in License to Kill. One time, God had nothing to say. Another time, God wrote an autobiographical limerick. God also discovered that reading people’s minds is an awful burden. When God gives advice, we should listen. Here are a few pick up lines for the men out there. One time, in a moment of sobriety, God called Himself the C-Word… many, many times. You know God looks down at us, don’t you?

God needs to be popular. In a constant attempt to appeal to new audiences, He started a poll, searching for a popular new name. Later, God chose His new brand name, and kicked it off with the historic speech ‘Being Gaahrd Is Hard’ . Riding the wave of being Gaahrd, God asked us to choose His new trademark laughter. God’s short and catastrophic career as Gaahrd ended after a week with another historic speech, ‘Being Gaahrd is crud’. A month later, God set about trademarking His new battle cry. God was never good at holding referendums. One time God even tried to appeal to the street, retelling Genesis in the for shizzle vernacular.

Retelling Genesis is always fun, especially when you try to appeal to the Harry Potter readers. And if you’re wondering what really happened to Jesus, why not hear it from the horse’s mouth?

When a real reader, Rsmb1, asked God for transcripts of the podcasts, the response was… well… see for yourselves.

The internet has many uses. One time, God decided to put a pair of His balls for sale on eBay. Which, of course, left God with a taste for more balls.

At times, God starts acting like God. So He instituted new holidays as only a drunk God can; offered us the ten commandments of BS-ing; or simply peered into the future… of the podcast. Of course, blind faith is always important to a god. And blind faith must be exercised regularly or it is turned into doubt. Which means that it is time for some blind faith exercises.

When God explained His true stance regarding abortion (“It’s okay as long as it’s not the woman’s right to choose”) He accidentally says that there is no God. This leads to much confusion, which ends up with God going on strike, to prove that people need Him.

Every so often, God just wakes up feeling gay, gay, gay.

Sadly, not everyone loves God. One day God discovered that someone on the internet has started a blog called The Voice of God, making fun of Him. God was outraged. When people in an internet group called CIWI in Israel jumped to God’s defense, God took their side, and blasted The Voice of God.

I hope you enjoy the podcasts.

Thanks and kudos to Bobby Lax (the voice of God) and to Nir Yaniv (who recorded and edited the sound of God).

What’s next? The Voice of God may return every so often with a new comedy album. We’ll see.

Podcast #111: The Doctor Seuss Podcast

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 10:48:00 -0800

In which Doctor Seuss drops in for a visit.

Download the podcast here.

Next time, we bid adieu to our faithful, faith-based listeners.

Podcast #110: Let's Make a Deal

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 10:54:00 -0800

In which God grants us a great boon!

Download the podcast here.

Next time: Doctor Seuss comes to visit!

Podcast #109: Blind Faith Exercises - the Extreme Version

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 11:16:00 -0800

In which our blind faith is tested in special exercises.

Download the podcast here.

Next time, God offers us a great bargain.

Podcast #108: Blind Faith Exercises

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:15:00 -0800

In which God, thankfully, gives us exercises we direly need.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: Blind faith exercises, the extreme version.

Podcast #107: Hindsight

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:38:00 -0800

In which God teaches us that hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: Exercise time!

Podcast #106: A Gay Old Time

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Tue, 9 Dec 2008 09:51:00 -0800

In which God feels... like a diva.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: We will learn that hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Podcast #105: Not Bitter At All

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Mon, 8 Dec 2008 09:23:00 -0800

In which we learn that God is never bitter.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God feels quite gay.

Podcast #104: My Battle Cry

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Sun, 7 Dec 2008 09:38:00 -0800

In which, after having successfully polled us last month about His laughter, God asks us to choose His battle cry.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God will show us that He is still not bitter.

Podcast #103: Down With 'The Voice of God'!

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Sat, 6 Dec 2008 02:04:00 -0800

In which God devises punishment!

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God chooses a battle-cry.

Podcast #102: My Heroes

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Thu, 4 Dec 2008 08:38:00 -0800

In which we continue the campaign against The Voice of God, as brave souls jump to God's defense!

Download the podcast here.

Next time: The crushing blow against the evildoers perpetrating The Voice of God!

Podcast #101: 'The Voice of God' Sucks!

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Wed, 3 Dec 2008 08:11:00 -0800

In which we discover that some people are making fun of God!

Download the podcast here.

Tomorrow: Heroes jump to my defense!

And for more information about God's accent, see these two podcasts.

Podcast #100: The Strike Ends

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Tue, 2 Dec 2008 11:43:00 -0800

In which we discover that God can, when faced with lemons, make lemonade.

Download the podcast here.

Tomorrow: Down with The Voice of God!

Podcast #99: Can I Cure Cancer?

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Mon, 1 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

In which we discover why bad things happen.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: The strike ends!

Podcast #98: The Pill

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:58:00 -0800

In which we discover the pill is not all it's cracked up to be.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God is angry for a change.

Podcast #97: Truths Revealed

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 07:32:00 -0800

In which God reveals ancient secrets.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God makes us an offer we can't refuse.

Podcast #96: No. 9's Secret

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 05:15:00 -0800

In which we discover No. 9's unbelievable secret!

Download the podcast here.

God's strike continues! And this time it's personal!

Podcast #95: The Mysterious No. 9

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:08:00 -0800

In which God ponders a faithful reader's anonymity.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: There is more to No. 9 than meets the eye.

Podcast #94: I Am Not Unique

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:23:00 -0800

In which we do our best to believe that God is not infallible.

Download the podcast here.

Tomorrow: The mysterious No. 9!

Podcast #93: The Booboo

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 09:53:00 -0800

In which God shows us we're really paranoid.

Download the podcast here.

Tomorrow: God tries to prove that he sometimes makes mistakes.

Podcast #92: Abortion

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 09:19:00 -0800

In which we discover exactly what God feels regarding abortion.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God tries to take back today's unfortunate events.

Podcast #91: Evolution Sucks

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 10:44:00 -0800

In which we learn that evolution is complete nonsense.

Download the podcast here.

Tomorrow: God takes a stand on abortion.

Podcast #90: I Hate Nothing

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 08:45:00 -0800

In which we discover something about nothing.

Download the podcast here.

Tomorrow: God takes a stand regarding evolution!

Podcast #89: Multiple Choice

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 08:59:00 -0800

In which we get a chance to show how much we love God.

Download the podcast here.

Next time: God's true enemy revealed!

Podcast #88: Ixnay with the Ippity-Ippity-Too-Tay

jehovasmail@gmail.com (Guy Hasson) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 08:06:00 -0800

In which we must learn to forget yesterday's new word.

Download the podcast here.

Next Time: Hooray! A quiz!