The Waiting Game

I have moved

2008-04-04T10:03:00.004+01:00

All good blogger blogs eventually come to an end. And so it is with mine.

My new home is at:

Making Babies - http://www.makingbabies.ie

Please update your links. You can update your feed by clicking on the link in the footer of the new site.

Thank you all so much for the support and help you have given me here. I will miss this place.

So here it is.....

2008-03-28T14:40:00.003+01:00

It has been sent to the printers so it's all out of my hands now. Yikes! The launch will take place on Tuesday 22nd April at 6.30pm in the Dublin Bookshop on Grafton St. You are all very welcome, in fact I would LOVE to meet you. I will send you an official invite closer to the time.

One of the most common questions I get asked is, "Is it new material or is it taken from the blog?". It is all new material and has very little to do with the blog, apart from the fact that it is written by me and I talk a lot about my own experiences in relation to the issue being discussed. Basically, it's a guide book to TTC which starts at the beginning, taking readers from the stage of recognising fertility signs and timing intercourse, through to looking for help, finding a fertility clinic, right through to IVF and beyond. It's full of facts and figures, advice on websites, where to buy HPTs etc, what to expect from medical professionals, how to choose a fertility clinic, how to cope with infertility, IVF, miscarriage, other people etc. I've offered my opinion where I thought it might be helpful and there are personal accounts and opinions from loads of other women (and one man!) who have experienced the topic in question.

It is opinionated, as I am, but I think anyone who has had to battle infertility while at the same time having to battle with the medical profession and the general public will agree that these things need to be said. I hope the book will be of some help to those that read it and I hope you like it! (Runs and hides.)

You just have to wish really hard...

2008-03-25T13:39:00.003+01:00

I am gobsmacked at JLo's recent People magazine article, via Julie.

Despite trying to conceive for several years, "I knew there was nothing wrong with me. I knew that I could. Deep down, I really wanted it badly..."

Unlike the rest of us who only want it a bit, Jenny's faith, determination and general all-round perfection won the day. Despite trying for several years, she never once thought there was something "wrong" with her, it never entered her head that it wouldn't happen. Well, if you weren't convinced before that she is completely loola, here is all the evidence you need.

Hubby Marc Anthony's reasoning for the twin pregnancy is even funnier than the "twins run in the family" excuse - he says that twins were inevitable because everything his wife touches turns to gold! Has he ever seen Gigli?!?

There is something wrong with JLo and MAnt. They tried unsuccessfully to conceive for several years. They are infertile. If their twins were conceived naturally, then they were dealt a really big slice of good luck, and not just because they wished really hard for it. A spontaneous pregnancy after 3 years TTC has about a 1% chance of happening each cycle. Of course it is possible but most people would describe it in terms of a "miracle" and a "blessing", as opposed to an inalienable right due to their own perfection.

And there's the crux of the matter. Infertility is perceived in the media as an imperfection, in Jenny's own words, something "wrong with me". It makes her look old, weakened, more like us. Unlike the shot of "Jennifer and Marc clowning around with their $3,000 prams". See, Jenny's not like us, only good things happen to her. That is why she has $3,000 prams and we don't.

I am going to preempt the "You can't judge her, she has a right to her privacy" comments with this:

BOLLOX!!!! She has paraded her newborn twins in public for a reported $6m fee. She has put them on show, people are bound to ask questions about them because she has put them out there. Live by the media, die by the media.

I've been tagged!

2008-03-11T14:55:00.003+01:00

By Peep. I must post six random things about myself. As I've said previously, I don't like talking about myself much, so let's see...

1. I love quizzes, any sort really - the harder and faster the questions, the better. So does DH - we are very competitive.

2. I have an extra-strong sense of smell. Not really an asset.

3. Although I don't make a big deal of it, bad spelling and punctuation really annoy me, to the point that they might actually affect my opinion of the writer as a person! And yes, if you find any typos on my blog, you may apply appropriate punishment.

4. I suffer from repetitive strain injury (RSI), although it is a lot more manageable now than when I was a full-time nerd.

5. A chain of events that just happened led me to think of point number 4, and it is a measure of my current state of calmness and serenity that I have decided to let it lie and not post about it. So point number 5 is - I am very calm and serene these days.

6. I'm a big Man Utd fan. Since 1975. That's the season they spent in the old 2nd Division. If I had been a glory-seeker, I would have chosen Derby County. Not that I regularly find myself in the position of having to be defensive about my choice or anything.

I tag LoTwan and John.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least two people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

Oh, I've just read the rules. Number 6 is actually a very important thing but I can't be bothered thinking of anything else so it stays.

Anything you can do.....

2008-03-04T15:28:00.007+01:00

I didn't win at the Irish Blog Awards........but my very clever and talented husband did!!!

It was great to meet up with some of my virtual friends and put a few faces to names. Big congrats to Grandad and Grannymar, who were joint winners in my category, Best Personal Blog. Also to Sinead and Twenty Major, who both made it three in a row - a pleasure to meet both of them too. Biggest congrats of all to Damien, who must have special powers to stretch time to be able to fit so much work into one man's life.

But what has fannying about at awards ceremonies got to do with infertility and babies? Not a lot, so it was back to business today. I spoke on East Coast FM on the subject of women having babies later in life. I was pitted against Dr James Clinch, a former Master of the Coombe hospital, who maintained that women should have babies between the ages of 20 and 25. I wasn't really sure what my role was to be until the discussion started, but it seemed like I was there to be the "older woman" who had had difficulties because of this. Never one to shy away from a debate on fertility, I found myself fighting the corner of the 30-something woman who is having or trying to have her first child. Gosh, we do get a lot of stick sometimes. It's all those hard-nosed career women, who selfishly put off having babies until their 40s cos they can just do IVF and create designer babies out of all the donor sperm and eggs available, that give the rest of us a bad name.

For the motion:
1. It is certainly easier for 20-25 year old women to conceive and carry a child.

Against the motion:
1. Most women are not "waiting" to have children, many simply don't meet their partners until later in life.
2. Try convincing 20-25 year old men to have children.
3. Our increased life expectancy has changed where we see ourselves in the ageing process and many 20-25 year olds are no longer socially, culturally or emotionally ready to have children.
4. There is little social or economic support for younger women who have children.
5. Male-factor infertility, which is not particularly age-related, accounts for as many cases as female-factor, so this affects couples of all ages.
6. 20-25 year olds are all a shower of irresponsible piss-heads who wouldn't know one end of a baby from the other [may be a gross generalisation].

Waiting for the man

2008-02-29T15:14:00.004+01:00

The Irish Blog Awards are on tomorrow night. I will be wearing my new dress if the postman brings it today. If not, I will be giving my old dress one last outing. That's how I operate - I buy new clothes, I wear them all the time until I get to go shopping again. Then my former new clothes become old clothes and are laid to rest. It means I don't have to think much about what I wear, yet I usually look like I've made an effort. And because I work from home, people don't tend to notice that I wear the same clothes most of the time. However, I did wear my old dress to the last blog-related do so I could get caught out this time. Come on postie, come on!!!

I will also be talking about blogging with John Williams of McAWilliams on RTE Radio 1's This Week programme on Sunday afternoon.

No ordinary girl

2008-02-26T15:21:00.004+01:00

Did I say I was ordinary? Nope, still an angry aul cow. It's those women, happily parading their pregnant bellies in front of me every time I visit my obs' office. Who do they think they are??!?!?

Now, I KNOW that I don't know what they've been through or what they're going through. However, STATISTICALLY, they probably just had to have sex a few times and haven't had much grief since. Yes, I should be happy for them that they have not had to suffer. And yet their carefree, jolly pregnancy banter does not make me happy. Hmmmm. Maybe us soldiers should wear an identifying wristband or something. Just so I don't go shooting accusing looks at some poor veteran, just because she had the nerve to smile whilst rubbing her bump.

In other news obs office news, obs is talking about a 39 week induction. I asked what method was most likely to get baby out alive. Because of my history, I have a slightly higher chance of placental problems and stillbirth if I go past my due date so this is the safest method. I was hoping to avoid another induction after my last experience but this is a different team, a different hospital and word of mouth and Internet feedback is very positive. So I may never have the "Honey, I think it's time" moment but that is last on my list of priorities at the moment. And I'm secretly excited that I may get to meet baby a week or two early!

What do you think? Did you have a history of infertility and/or miscarriage and choose a different option?

Ordinary day

2008-02-22T13:44:00.004+01:00

I have a blogging problem. I don't really like talking about myself. I have no problem talking about infertility - that is a sort of separate entity I was landed with. Infertility tells a good story, can be a cliffhanger at times. But I am much more ordinary. I am glad, I strived to be ordinary for a very long time. Now I am just an ordinary woman with an ordinary pregnancy, even if it did have dramatic beginnings.

I could talk about my husband, but he can do that for himself. I could tell you about my beautiful son, he is much more extraordinary than me. But that is not my story to tell. And he is already getting good at the Internet (he can navigate his way around YouTube) and starting to read, so it could come back to haunt me in a few short years!

Instead I will leave you with some photos of my best boy:

By the way, I am not signing off! I need you to listen to my whinging for at least another three months!!!

This post is all about pregnancy

2008-02-19T12:51:00.002+01:00

25w4d today. Past the 24 week viability mark. Although those in the know suggest that 26 weeks marks the point at which hospitals make a reasonable effort at viability. Almost there. Of course baby must be born alive first.

I have been blessed with a trouble-free pregnancy. That is, if you discount my ten weeks of vomiting hell, and the fact that I have spent the entire pregnancy making sure baby is still alive and trying to work out my chances of keeping her that way.

My obstetric care has been great and I am looking forward to a birth with a team that I trust. However, this is only because we have paid for it. All pregnancy-related care is available on the public health service (i.e. free) in Ireland. However, I just couldn't face telling my history to a different consultant on each visit, constantly reminding medical staff of the cocktail of drugs needed, begging for early scans, recovering on a maternity ward after a D&C. Mind you, private care doesn't always guarantee that staff actually read my file. A nurse recently told me that my obs must have delivered a baby for me in the past. I said, no, I was certain she hadn't. The nurse inquired as to why my file was so big. I guess six miscarriages trumps a live birth in terms of column inches.

My little baby is doing fine and so am I. I think I am functioning as a normal human being again. It helps that I don't have to hide from the past - my book is out soon so talking about that means talking about the last three years. We have not reached the finishing line yet but we have to act as if we will. The alternative does not bear thinking about.

Irish Blog Awards Shortlist

2008-02-12T15:22:00.000+01:00

I have made the shortlist for Best Blog and Best Personal Blog - thank you very much! Does that mean I can buy a new dress??? Pleeeeeeeeaase.

My very talented hubby has made the list for Best Newcomer. Why don't you drop into him and say hello!?!!

Big thanks once again to Damien for making it all possible.

What did she say?!?!??

2008-02-08T10:33:00.000+01:00

A very odd thing happened yesterday. First of all I got some free, last minute tickets for the Digital Media Awards, for which I was nominated in the Best in Blogging category. That was quite odd in itself as there's supposed to be no such thing as a free lunch (or dinner, as in this case). I got to meet Deborah, the Humble Housewife, Grandad and K8 the Gr8, which was cool.

And then, the oddness. I, eh, won. What?!?!??

It runs in the family

2008-02-06T14:57:00.000+01:00

Jennifer Lopez's father has confirmed that she is expecting twins and has asserted that twins run in the family "so it's a hereditary thing".

There is surely a gene that combines celebrity with twin pregnancies. Has anyone researched this? Julia Roberts, Diana Krall and CNN's Nancy Grace have all confirmed that they conceived twins naturally (they run in the family) in their late 30s to late 40s, while many more celebs - Geena Davis, Holly Hunter, Patrick Dempsey's wife - all conceived twins in their 40s seemingly without the need for any intervention. This appears to affect women from their late 30s onwards - we haven't seen the same trend amongst the younger celebrity mums. They should make a film about it!

But let's just assume for a minute that my theory doesn't stand up. What if any or all of the above did actually need an injection here or an egg there? So what?!?!? Why are celebs so reluctant to talk about it? Of course it is their business (but it's not nice to lie) and nobody is under any obligation to parade their private lives in public, but there doesn't seem to be the same reluctance to talk about other medical conditions. While celebs don't like to appear to have any imperfections, many have survived reports of illness and some have even seen their profiles raised because of it. Kylie's career has flourished after battling breast cancer, Kate Moss is more in demand than ever after her drug "addiction". Those celebs that have spoken openly about IVF - Marcia Cross, Courtney Cox, Brooke Shields - remain as popular as ever, and even more so amongst those of us in the know.

Maybe I am too immersed in this world to see the wood for the trees. I have never experienced the "stigma" of infertility, never seen it in practice. The annoying comments, yes of course, but nobody has ever tried to make me feel as if my babies or I are inferior because I needed a prescription to conceive them. In fact, I feel like a champion because I have managed to overcome all the odds to get this far. Why can't everyone see it that way?

Update: I have been informed that, while JLo's dad may not want to talk about IVF, JLo herself has spoken openly about it. Good for her! My trusty researcher, Dr Google, informs me that she has been doing IVF since 2006 so she has probably been through the mill. Looking forward to reading about her experiences.

Facebook

2008-02-01T23:42:00.001+01:00

I hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings but I have given up doing all the extra stuff on Facebook.

Radio

2008-02-01T16:30:00.000+01:00

I will be talking about infertility and blogging on Roisin Ingle's show on Newstalk tomorrow at 11.20am.

Interview

2008-01-31T15:43:00.000+01:00

Below is the text of an interview I did with Damien Mulley about the blog and my upcoming book.

Book week: Interview with Feebee from The Waiting Game

Feebee blogs over at The Waiting Game and has a book out in March about fertility issues. The book is called: Trying To Conceive. Feebee will be one of the people on the panel discussing blogging and writing a book on the afternoon of the Blog Awards. She was kind enough to answer some questions I sent to her. As well as being nominated for the Blog Awards, her blog has been shortlisted for the Digital Media Awards on February 7th. Best of luck to her. (Transparency: I’m judge for the DMAs)

Tell me a little bit about The Waiting Game, why did you start the blog? I sometimes blog as I find it therapeutic and sometimes I feel I have to blog to get the word out about something, almost like I have duty to inform people. Do you feel the same?

I started the blog after I had my first miscarriage in September 2005. I called it the Two Week Wait because that’s how long I thought it would last. The “two week wait” refers to the time between ovulation and when you can test for pregnancy. It can be a very long two weeks and your mind can go into overdrive imagining pregnancy symptoms. If you google “two week wait symptoms”, you get hundreds of thousands of pages of women discussing symptoms and potential symptoms and trying to work out if they are pregnant. The idea behind the blog was that I would document my two week waits for a couple of months until I became pregnant again and then someone else could take over and so on until we could build up a good resource of bona fide two week wait symptoms for others to obsess over.

Well, two weeks came and went, and another two and another two and before I knew it I had unwittingly documented the slow descent into infertility. Most infertility bloggers start out at this point but mine begins in a much more hopeful place and slowly slips into despair.

I didn’t tell anyone in real life about it for a long time. I mentioned it on parenting and infertility boards and that’s where most of my traffic came from at the start. Then I started reading other infertility blogs and we swapped links. There’s a great network of support around the world and some brilliant writers in infertility blogland. It’s not a subject that people ramble about indiscriminately and I think that most bloggers tend to choose their words carefully, which usually makes for interesting reading. And of course there’s the soap opera element of month in month out fertility treatments, doomed pregnancies and fraught personal relationships with the outside world. The lack of understanding of the fertile world is often something that is turned into comedy by bloggers and, despite the difficult subject matter, infertility blogs make me laugh out loud a lot of the time.

When I got nominated for the Irish Blog Awards last year, I started to mention my blog to close family and friends. I was also going through an IVF cycle at the time and realised it would be easier to explain myself in writing than face to face most of the time. It really has worked. Most of the time when you try to explain how you feel, the reaction is something along the lines of “Oh, it can’t be that bad, you can’t possibly feel that bad”. Followed inevitably by “You seem very stressed, maybe you just need to relax”. Stress does not cause infertility any more than it causes diabetes or myopia. That is because it is a medical condition that needs to be treated or cured. But popular opinion tends to believe otherwise. As does the media. So you tend to get a torrent of advice (or assvice as bloggers prefer) every time you mention the subject. Writing a blog means that you can say exactly what you want to say without the fear of assvice. And when you say it often enough and consistently enough, it starts to sink in. I get considerably less assvice today than I did a year or two years ago. Maybe people still think I need to relax/get over myself/move on/be thankful for what I’ve got but they no longer say it to my face so that’s good enough for me!

Blogging is also useful for answering the Sunday supplement type reports on infertility and miscarriage that raise their ugly heads periodically. Whenever such a lifestyle piece is published, you can be guaranteed that come Monday morning, you will get several emails telling you the good news that going on a cruise or drinking red wine or playing tennis will indeed help you conceive. Infertility is not taken seriously as an illness in the media and a blog is a useful outlet to answer back with scientific facts when necessary. I have a reasonable readership (400-800 hits per day depending on where the soap opera is at) so I hope that someone somewhere is persuaded every now and then. I get a lot of googlers, often asking the specific question I am addressing, i.e. “does swimming cause miscarriage?”, so I hope I can be of some help to them too.

I find your blog a tough read at times, there’s so much to deal with. What kind of reaction do you get from friends, family and strangers?

I generally get a really positive reaction from people that mention that they read it. They are usually very sympathetic and supportive and nearly always mention that they had no idea how difficult infertility/IVF/miscarriage can be. That is the most satisfying part of writing the blog, that I have managed to get the word out about what one in six couples goes through. I think that’s one of the ways in which blogging is truly revolutionary – the fact that you can now get a first-hand insight into how certain events and situations affect people’s lives. It’s a job that was previously left up to authors, playwrights and scriptwriters and that usually meant compressing the information into a specific format. Now people can read about almost any issue, no matter how difficult or personal, as it happens and in whatever format or style the author wishes.

On a personal level, it means that I don’t have to explain myself all the time. If we are going through a particularly difficult time, then friends and family can have a look at the blog and decide for themselves if it is a good time to call. I think it has helped them deal with me and vice versa.

How big an issue is fertility in this country and in the developed world as a whole? Is it one of the many unseen, yet common issues of modern times?

It affects one in six couples and this figure is rising all the time. Everybody knows somebody who is going through it, whether they know it or not. Some people prefer to keep quiet about it, others try to talk about it but whether or not they are open, everyone comes up against the cruel, thoughtless comments that are bandied about on a daily basis. “Maybe you weren’t meant to have children”, “You’re so lucky you don’t have kids, mine are a nightmare”, “Why don’t you just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant”, “It’s because you drink wine/drink coffee/exercise/don’t exercise/work too hard/obsess too much/live in the city/are too fat/are too thin/don’t eat meat/eat red meat/don’t eat fish/need to relax that you haven’t conceived yet”. You really have to have an answer for every thoughtless comment and after a while, you gather quite a portfolio.

The bottom line is that it is a very, very common medical complication and it is rarely spoken about very misunderstood by the fertile world. It’s bad enough that you have to watch your friends and family have so easily what you would literally give your right arm for, without having those same people betray their lack of understanding with an insensitive comment. You’d think, if most people know how much joy a child can bring, that they would understand how much pain not being able to conceive or carry a child might bring, but no. There needs to be a lot more discussion about how stressful it is (studies have shown infertility patients to have stress levels equalled only by cancer and AIDS patients) and how family and friends can support those suffering.

So the book. How did that come about? Did you consider writing a book for a while? What else is there out there in this area?

I thought about writing it when we had been trying for about a year (I thought I knew it all then – ha!). Then I got pregnant by IUI and everything seemed to be going well and the book fell on my list of priorities. When I miscarried again at three months I thought, right, I’m going to make something good come of this mess and so started to write a proposal. That was October 2006. About two months later, I sent the proposal to four publishers and two got back to me straight away. I spoke to both of them for a couple of months and eventually signed a contract with Liberties Press in March 2007.

The book is called Trying To Conceive. It’s a guidebook that takes couples through every step of the process, from the heady early days right through to IVF and beyond. It’s not autobiographical but I do offer a lot of insight into all the processes and suggest coping mechanisms for everything that infertility can throw at you. Coping with infertility involves about 10% of going through the motions of treatment and 90% of dealing with the emotional side of it, something that is not discussed much in other books or in society in general. There is nothing else out there like it, and nothing at all written from an Irish perspective.

I didn’t get the book deal because I have a blog but it certainly helped to have an existing profile, an audience and a substantial body of work. It is also a useful means of publicising and verifying my status as someone who has been there, done that.

What’s the work ethic for a book? Make a plan, do it, chapter by chapter or gather all data and then sort it all out?

I got some great advice from a friend who was about a year ahead of me in the non-fiction writing process. She had done a huge amount of preparation before sending in a proposal and suggested I do the same. I already had most of my data in my head so I did some market research, wrote detailed chapter plans and a substantial amount of background information, which all went into the proposal. I also wrote one complete chapter. When the time came to write the rest of the book, I didn’t deviate much from the original chapter plans. There was a certain amount of research to be done as I wrote but the main story didn’t change much.

How long have you been working on this?

Almost a year in total.

When do we get to see the fruits of all this effort? Has it been worth it, do you think?

It is due out at the end of March. It has definitely been worth it and I hope it’s going to help lots of people. At the very least, I hope it sparks some debate about infertility in this country.

Do you know how it will be marketed and promoted, will you be actively doing so?

I’m hoping to do lots of media when it comes out. It’s such an emotive topic and it’s rarely out of the limelight for long so I think there will be plenty of people willing to talk about it.

What’s next after this?

Well, I’m hoping to have a baby in May!

Irish Blog Awards

2008-01-31T15:31:00.000+01:00

I told you not to vote for me for Best Blog!!! But thanks very much to anyone that did. I also made it into the Best Personal Blog and Best Specialist Blog categories so thank you, thank you, thank you!

And my darling hubby made the list for Best Newcomer.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

2008-01-28T15:12:00.000+01:00

We did something crazy, reckless and very uninfertile-like today - we brought DS to a scan. I am 22w3d with very regular movement so after careful analysis of the ongoing risk management program, we decided to give it a lash. Outcome: successful. Baby is alive and kicking, all bits and parts (including the girl ones) present and correct. And the big boy is pleased as punch, albeit a little disappointed that she didn't wave at us or talk to us during the show.

I was pretty surprised to see, on a quick google, how many pregnancy and parenting sites advise bringing older children to scans to involve them with the new baby. Really??? Similarly, questions on message boards about bringing older siblings to first ultrasounds are always greeted with enthusiastic, positive gushing. Now, this is the first scan, the one at which you find out if your baby is alive or dead. Is it really such a fab idea?

I know most women don't have the infertile, hab-ab fears that I do. But most women also don't have the fortnightly scans that I do, so a first scan at 12, 14 or even 18 weeks is likely to be the first feedback they get on baby's health. With one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage, wouldn't you be just a little concerned? Maybe I'm just too much of a realist spoilsport. Or maybe the uninitiated just look at women like me and reckon we bring the stats up. It's true, we do. And then we reel them off at every available opportunity to try and make you feel the fear!!!

Just saying though, it can happen. Probably does all the time.

Dream on

2008-01-22T13:09:00.000+01:00

Last night I dreamt that A died. No reason, as usual; no heartbeat. The doctors thought it best to wait and see if I went into labour on my own. I thought I could still feel her moving but they said no, that was impossible. The paralysis came back in a second, all the familiar thoughts locked it in place. My little girl gone, reduced to nothing. The still-growing age gap. The dread at trying again. The senseless comments. Some thought it was "obviously" "for the best". Others couldn't see why I was coping so badly given that, at 22 weeks, it was "just another miscarriage".

A is fine. So why did I do this to myself? I am happy now. All the other stuff hasn't gone away, nor do I want to hide it away. How could I anyway? But I am very adamant that I don't want the past to ruin the future. The dream was so vivid, the feelings were so intense and so accurate. Why now?

I tell ya, this was one morning I was very glad to wake up.

The Internet says: For expectant mothers, dreams of miscarriages are common in the second trimester of pregnancy.

Now, if only I could find some stats for the live birth rate amongst expectant miscarriage dreamers!

I am finally expecting

2008-01-15T14:06:00.000+01:00

I am having a very easy pregnancy. Memories of my ten weeks of nausea and vomiting hell are fading fast. I have no pelvic or back pain, no tiredness or irritability, no memory loss worth mentioning. My little daughter, A, reassures me that all is well every time I ask her. I am happy. The agony of the last three years has been for something.

What I mean is, I hope it has been for something. I have been given the luxury of hope, I have even been handed the gift of expectation. I hope and expect to hug and kiss A in a few short months. I can hardly believe it. But already I can feel the softness of her skin, I can touch her tiny little baby hands, I can smell her hair, I can feel the letdown as she feeds. We are all expecting. DS is already reorganising his life to fit her in, he never forgets about her. Every piece of his future contains a space for her.

If we lost her, I would die. I am sure of it.

Update: No, this is not a suicide wish. "Die" is meant in a figurative sense, "die inside" if you will. Like before only much, much worse.

It's a girl!

2008-01-09T13:33:00.000+01:00

Irish Blog Awards 2008

2008-01-03T13:37:00.000+01:00

It's that time of year again - nominations for the 2008 Irish Blog Awards are now open. I remember saying after last year's bash that I hoped (I was in the middle of an IVF cycle, I was full of hope) I wouldn't be still stuck here in Groundhog day by now but such is life and here I am.

So, feel free to nominate me if you think I am worthy but don't get carried away! I am not the best blogger and this is not the best blog. But maybe there is a little niche for me somewhere!!??! Thanks!

The best of times, the worst of times

2008-01-03T13:00:00.000+01:00

With a nod to DD, here is my year in review:

January: The start of our first IVF.

February: The worst moment of our infertility career - only two follicles at first stim scan and the realisation that we could be dealing with an ovarian reserve problem.

March: Two eggs retrieved, both fertilised, two embryos transferred and a pregnancy against all odds. And then another miscarriage. Followed by baby #3's due date. Not a good month.

April: Another failed cycle.

May: Another pregnancy, another miscarriage, another missed birthday. And then the hardest blow of all, confirmation of our worst fears - an FSH of 17. Definite ovarian reserve problem and virtually no chance of a baby. IVF #2 begins.

June: Only one slowly developing follicle despite antagonist flare protocol with max dose stims. Cancelled. TSI. Pregnant again. Devastated again.

July: Another pregnancy. Looking good this time. Ha ha, only joking. Massive hair loss. Time to stop.

August: Blah.

September: Back to the clinic on the sly. Pregnant again.

October: Still pregnant.

November: Still pregnant.

December: Still pregnant.

To absent friends

2007-12-24T21:12:00.000+01:00

This year there will be four empty places at the dinner table - our 19 1/2 month old, our 9 month old and our newborn twins. And the others that couldn't make it in order to give this baby a chance. Happy Christmas my darlings - I love you and miss you all.

Digital Media Awards

2007-12-18T23:47:00.001+01:00

I have been shortlisted for the Best in Blogging category at the Digital Media Awards. Sharing the honours are:

Head Rambles
Ice Cream Ireland
The Limerick Blogger
The Humble Housewife

Normal at last

2007-12-17T14:23:00.000+01:00

Baby was alive and kicking on today's scan. Well, was actually asleep for most of it but definitely alive. All is as good as it can be. And the best news - "this is now a normal pregnancy". Now, if a normal pregnancy is one where the nursery is decorated and the birth plan is written by six months, then this is never going to be a normal pregnancy (my birth plan will probably be: get the baby out alive by whatever means necessary). But if normal means that my baby has as much chance of life as any other 16w3d baby, then that's the best Christmas present I could hope for.

In other good news, my nausea has reduced to negligible levels, I can stay up until midnight at a push, I have started to put on a few pounds and I have a definite bump. My god.....................I am pregnant!!!