The WASDland

Holiday game hauls and resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:33:00 +0000

It's been a while, WASDlanders. In gamingville, we've been mourning the loss of Anders and celebrating the gain of Catherine! Let's make ourselves feel better by bragging about the awesome stuff we got for the holidays and our New Year's gaming resolutions. For Christmas, I received the awesome:

Rayman Origins

I was a big fan of the original 2D Rayman on PS1 so you'd better bet I was excited when this prequel was released! It allows for 4 player co-op in the style of New Super Mario Bros., but has a unique enough aesthetic that it feels like a different game. Also of note, two characters can be in the same space, so no running your friends into a pit of lava.

AND

Mass Effect 2

I guess I'm a bit late to the party here, but I finally picked up the so far fantastic Mass Effect 2. It's the PS3 version so I had to deal with the odd motion comic that gets you up to speed on the happenings of the original Mass Effect, but I'm otherwise enjoying the well-written dialogue and 3rd person buttkicking. I appreciate that the "evil" choices in the game are more in the vein of "Hurry up and let's get this done" rather than "DIE SCUMBAG ORPHANS!" as are the evil choices in some games.

New Year's Gaming Resolution

In 2012, I resolve to start playing more PSN games. Awesome titles like Limbo, Trine 2, and Dungeon Defenders are just sitting out there waiting to be downloaded by a scamp such as myself.

There you have it! What did you get for the holidays and what is your gaming resolution?

A Final Interview with Anders

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:31:00 +0000

As we all know, co-author of the WASDland and all around good dude Anders is leaving us for the land of the rising sun. There, he'll be teaching Japanese school children how to speak English. Within a few years, you'll go to Japan and everyone will sound just like Anders, which is a part of his scheme. Before he leaves us and our glorious blog forever, I got the chance to sit down with him for an interview to find out about the man, the mystery, the legend.

NT: What can these Japanese school children expect from a man so well-versed in Nintendo, Pokemon, and protein as yourself?

AJ: Authority, Power, Might, and the occasional vocabulary word.

NT: Do you have any plans in Japan other than making half of the population talk just like you?

AJ: Making the lazy non-English learning half look just like me. I'm going to call it the "Shaves n' Squats Tour '12"

NT: What was your best After Hours Gaming moment?

AJ: That one time everyone was playing Combat Arms.

NT: What was the worst After Hours Gaming moment?

AJ: Garlic

NT: If you were to die tomorrow and you could only play Donkey Kong 64 or Rugrats in Paris, what is your choice and why?

AJ: Rugrats in Paris: The Movie: The Game is the easy choice. Death would get stuck on a random object long enough for me to escape his icy grasp. And please refer to the game using its full title: "Rugrats in Paris: The Movie: The Game". You don't call Satan 'Mr. S'.

NT: Which Pokemon will you be taking with you to Japan?

AJ: None. Anyone familiar with the Pokemon series knows that a true trainer starts anew upon entering a new region.

NT: How might we honor you properly at future After Hours Gamings?

AJ: Shave the head of one worthy child each session.

NT: What vegetables will you be enjoying in Japan that we may not be aware of stateside?

AJ: Hopefully something that will function well as both a stylish hat and a projectile to throw at Alan.

NT: Do you have any secret reasons for going to Japan you can share with us? (Pokemon trainer, Scandinavian spy, White collar crimes? All three?)

AJ: I'll be able to throw cabbage at Alan from far enough away that he won't see it coming.

That's it! Give Anders a worthy sendoff by adding your own loving comments below. And make sure to follow the rainbow to your nearest library's gaming program!

Gaming's Best Viral Videos

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:18:00 +0000

The only thing better than playing games is watching someone else play them!

Looks like Tony Hawk has been replaced....by Tony DOG.

"What are ya buyin?"
"Pizza for the kids!"
"What are ya sellin?"
"NUTHIN!"

Who votes we replace the catchphrase with the much sexier "Nickkk Taaaaaayyyyyllloooooorrrrrrr"?

If you don't find this video hilarious....Ondore's lies have gotten to you.

Have a favorite gaming-related video?
Post in the comments below or tell us at gaming!

We'll post the best submissions next week!

Gaming Crossovers: Part 2!

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 17:09:00 +0000

Greetings from planet Anders-is-Awesome, WASDlanders!

I'm coming straight at you with a batch of fresh gaming crossovers!

World of Law & Order: The only thing more awesome than
spending hours battling against generic enemies to acquire marginally stronger equipment, is spending hours battling against generic inner-city youth to marginally improve New York City's crime rate!

Don't miss the expansion World of Law & Order: Wrath of Ice-T, which opens up berserker and priestess class detectives Elliot and Olivia.

Assassin's CREED: Join creation's finest post-grunge band as
they team up with Ezio to defeat the devious Human Clay. Travel back to the era of 1998, as you navigate the lifelike crowds of a fully simulated Limp Bizkit concert.

Utilize a variety of era-specific assassination tools including laser pointers, studded necklaces, and Doc Martins.

RuneSteak Escape: When all the Mountain Dew and Cheetos have been consumed, where will hungry warriors find nourshiment? America's Favorite Cheesesteak establishment, Steak Escape, has answered the call of the feast in heroic fashion! Spend your hard earned Runescape gold at both physical and virtual Steak Escape locations, fueling you for the epic pvp battles to come! Find the code hidden inside each cheesesteak to unlock new weapons and powerups. There's no escape from the fun!

That's all for today WASDlanders! Give us a shout out in the comments, or stop by Game On! and see your WASDland authors in person!

The Future of Gaming: Crossovers

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 22:03:00 +0000

Are you as sick of the same rehashed current-generation franchises as I am?

Well fear not fellow WASDlanders, I've had a vision of the future, a golden age for both gaming and gamers. What could possibly usher in such a bright future you ask?
One word-CROSSOVERS. Join me for the first in this series about the fertile ground that is gaming crossovers

Halo Reach for Bieber

Reviving gaming's most boring, generic, space FPS is a daunting task; one perfectly suited for the skills of world-renowned artist/political activist Justin Bieber.

In Halo Reach for Bieber, you'll venture behind the mask of Master Bieber and his
blue robot girlfriend Cortana Gomez. Explore the universe on Bieber's "Flood the Galaxy with Love 2561" tour. Engage in epic battle with a religiously zealous alien race known as the Jonas Brothers. Sign virtual autographs and interact with fans via Microsoft Kinect and Xbox Live.

And with the inclusion of monthly DLC-releases, the Bieb-venture will never end!

Call of Combat: Modern Arms

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and Combat Arms are undoubtedly the greatest games modern civilization has yet produced. Combining these pinnacles of game design will instantly cause world peace and bring millions of people out of poverty.

Just imagine.....the gritty, fast-paced fps action of Combat Arms combined with the realisitic, frantic gun battles of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare. Some naysayers are concerned that these two vastly different games could never be combined. But I have faith in profit-maximizing developers Activision and Nexon.

That's all we have for today. Stay tuned for the next installment in this exciting new series!

Do you have an idea for your own gaming-crossover? Are you a rich gaming executive who wants to pay the WASDland millions of dollars to greenlight one of these genius ideas? Let us know in the comments below!

Games that will probably never come out

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 21:14:00 +0000

Another week (or two) and another hilarious blog entry, WASDlanders. This one was inspired by the recent release of Duke Nukem Forever, a game that took so long to come out after so many delays it became a joke in itself. Here are some games that will probably never come out, though judging from good old Duke, you can never rule anything out.

Final Fantasy X-3: Squeenix already put out one bad sequel to Final Fantasy X, dare they make another? Probably not, but not for the reasons you'd expect. X-2's costume-y battle system was so lame, Squeenix just don't think they can out-lame themselves in another one.

Grand Theft Auto: Punta Gorda: We here at the WASDland DO work at a library, so I did some research for this one. Punta Gorda, Florida is populated by the most senior citizens in America at 30%. That means one out of every three people you'd be mugging would be a kindly grandma or grandpa. Similarly, you'd be driving Oldsmobiles and Buicks everywhere, what's the fun in that?

TimeSplitters 4: In a sea of hilarious jokes, I thought I'd put in a serious one here. Although Timesplitters: Future Perfect wasn't perfect, (ha!) in the future (again!) I'd like to see what's left of Free Radical perfect (zing!) their time-tested formula that has time and time again made me have a good time.

Minecraft: the non-pixely edition: Minecraft isn't exactly known for its awesome graphics, but that's what makes you cool when you play it. It's like drinking coffee with no cream or sugar, everyone in the coffee shop is instantly impressed because you don't want anything to DILUTE your experience. Similarly, if blocks were pre-rendered with Marcus Fenix's face on them, you wouldn't be nearly as coolwhen you play Minecraft.

Pokemon Periwinkle and Saffron: It would seem that Pokemon has already exhausted the coolest colors of the rainbow, so Periwinkle (lame blue) and Saffron (weaksauce yellow) are unlikely candidates for the next title. However, there IS oddly a Pokemon Periwinkle fan fiction. Um, enjoy that.

Totally Accurate E3 Impressions

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 16:14:00 +0000

Howdy, consumers!

Uncle Anders has returned from E3 2011, the premier video game event of the year (Superman 64 World Championship notwithstanding).

I'm here to kinect you loyal readers with such a bounty of WASDland-exclusive conference news that you'll have a gaming heart attack and have to be carried away in an ambulance. Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

Playstation Vita

The television-smashing success of Nintendo's Wii has made both Microsoft and Sony take notice of the massive untapped potential in the casual gaming market.

In a bold move, Sony has decided to pursue the 25-45 year old female market with the new Playstation Vita, a line of calorie-free flavored water that helps promote digestive health.

While the majority of the industry is busy praising Vita for its robust line of fruit-themed flavors and yoga-themed cross promotions, I remain skeptical of the product's ability to truely capture this elusive market.

Back in the 90's Sony did irreperable damage to its standing with women due to the release of Tomba: The Chauvinistic Pink Haired Cave Man, which no amount of Jamie-Lee Curtis commercials can repair.

The Legend of Zelda

E3 2011 was a big year for the GREATEST video game franchise of ALL TIME.

Upon seeing the amazing new trailer for Skyward Sword, gamers the world over forgot all about Mass Effect 3 and Halo 7 in eager anticipation of the day they would collect a slingshot, bombs, and a boomerang in the first three dungeons.

Nintendo also revealed a trailer for a new HD Zelda running on the new Wii U(great name btw) console. Holy triforce, this game looks soooo good. Most onlookers thought I was watching Lords of the Rings cosplaying as Zelda, until I demonstrated my ability to dynamically change the demo's camera angle via the Wii U controller in my hand.

Microsoft Connect

Your body is the controller.

Wii U

Your living room is the Nintendo DS.

In conclusion, E3 is awesome, and I hope all you loyal readers start saving now to buy my ticket for next years E3.

I love you.

Co-op games you should be playing

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Sat, 21 May 2011 21:02:00 +0000

As Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street will tell you, everything is better with a friend. Let's go through a checklist. Sandwiches: check. Movies: check. Dates: check. Video game: check and mate. Here are some co-op video games that you all should be playing with your good buddies.

Pixeljunk Shooter 2: A hybrid shooter/side-scroller made by the small Sony-exclusive studio Pixeljunk. The co-op is quite fun and necessary, as opposed to the co-op in the first game. Also, your ships can shoot lava. LAVA!

NBA Jam: A super-realistic basketball simulator in which giant-headed professional basketball players jump ten feet into the air and foul the crap out of each other to score points. Even with Anders and I playing as the Lakers, we still can't beat teams like the Timberwolves. Brutal.

Dead Space: Extraction: What's better than shooting off alien limbs than shooting them off with a friend? Dead Space: Extraction takes all of the best elements of the 3rd person Dead Space games and turns it into a lightgun-esque co-op shooter.

Slam Bolt Scrappers: Mix Tetris, a tower defense game, and ridiculousness and you have Slam Bolt Scrappers. Dropping your blocks into squares makes more powerful lasers, cannons, and shields that take down your enemies tower. A friend only makes the mayhem more mayhem-y, but a fun game nonetheless.

Portal 2: If you haven't played Portal 2 with your best friend/grandpa/neighbor/girlfriend/boyfriend yet, you are missing out. Figuring out the clever puzzles is best done sitting on a couch together and pondering art. Just be careful, as the co-op is no fun to play with someone who has beaten it before, they'll just tell you what to do parent-style.

A Completely Uneducated Review of Halo:Reach

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 20:44:00 +0000

Hey WASDLANDers!

Uncle Anders sure has been hearing alot about this Halo series, and decided it was high time I cast my refined critical gaze on the newest game in the franchise, Halo:Reach.

Main Character(s)

The main character of the series is an astronaut named Halo, who is apparently a pretty cool guy that doesnt afraid of anything. Reach breaks tradition and allows the player to pick from 6 different Halos; which I can only guess is a desperate attempt by Bill Gates to breathe life into an unpopular franchise.

In Reach each Halo has a unique superpower, such as invisibility, flight, and finding everday products at low, low prices.

Graphics
Halo:Reach has too many graphics. I have a hard time figuring out which space alien to shoot, or where to go to complete the level. The game would benefit greatly from blast processing.

Plot
The story arch of Halo:Reach deals with six Halos who are attempting to escape a hostile planet, but cannot do so until they get to the Toshi Station and pick up some power converters.

Sound
The music in Halo:Reach is the best part of the game. It sounds like techno Mannheim Steamroller. I enjoying singing along while owning noobs in Team Sprayer.

Overall Score
For a mediocre space rts with fantastic sound, Halo is definitely worth renting from your local Blockbuster. I give the game 2.5 out of 5 Super Metroids.

A completely uneducated review of Call of Duty: Black Ops

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 21:30:00 +0000

Hey WASDlanders, hope you're having a good week! I know I sure am. I've been hearing all about this Call of Duty game lately so I thought it would be a good idea to review it. Firstly, Call of Duty: Black Ops is the worst selling game of all time. Like, two people own it and I think one of them is someone's grandma. Why everyone is talking about it I'm not sure, maybe we could call this the Rebecca Black Effect (RBE or RABIES for short) where it's so bad it's good. I'll be reviewing COD:BO in sections, all separated into stone cold facts.

1) In COD:BO, all of the guns have been replaced by tropical fruit.

Ironically, fruit are actually more effective firearms than the U.S. Military would have you believe. The most popular choices are banana (short distance), the strawberry (good for groups), and the apple (good for pies).

2) Call of Duty: Black Ops is set in the distant future where colorful "spartans" fight each other all day.

The name "spartan" is derived from "smart man," AKA your WASDland authors.

3) Aiming for the arms is generally the best strategy.

If the enemies don't have arms, how will they hug you to death? Impossible. Hence, aim that banana at the arms.

4) The most popular item in the game is a magical purple pony DLC that makes your character do backflips.

Unfortunately, the pony costs over a thousand pennies and doesn't work with the general banana-to-the-arm strategy.

5) "Call of Duty" is often shortened to "COD" because its developer (Superman) loves fish.

You'd think Superman would be busy saving lives and such, but wouldn't you know it, he made the worst selling game of all time. Maybe this is his revenge for Superman 64.

6) People love to play COD:BO at parties, but it's only one player so they have to pass the controller around.

Despite the fun that multiplayer banana slinging, blueberry pie-ing could have been, developer Superman decided that he wants his players to be lonely hermits. Still, passing the controller around for a strawberry shootout is always fun.

Lamest Mega Man Bosses

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 01:14:00 +0000

WASDlanders, it would seem I only write articles on three subjects: Rayman, Mega Man, and Soul Patch Men. Not that there's anything wrong with that. For the uninitiated, Mega Man is a tiny blue guy who must defeat six to eight bosses in the correct order, getting their unique powers once defeated. They almost never make sense. Fire does not beat Ice Man, instead it totally rocks mega lame Giraffe Man for some reason. After oh, the first game or so, Mega Man developers ran out of good ideas for bosses or they got lost in the translation. Either way, hilarity ensues when these lame-os are found at the end of the level.

Name: Bright Man

In: Mega Man 4

Reason for lameness: Bright Man has a lightbulb on his head and that seems to be his only power. If Mega Man is lost in a dark area, Bright Man could be a good companion. His move is the Flash Stopper which is the best a light bulb can do, really.

Name: Bubble Crab

In: Mega Man X2

Reason for lameness:
Bubbles and crabs are just so cute! How can the Blue Bomber be terrified of something as cute and delicious as a bubble crab? Known in Japan as Bubbly Crablos. Ha!

Name: Wood Man

In: Mega Man 2

Reason for lameness: Need I say anything? By the second game, the developers managed to come up with nothing cooler than Wood Man of all things. He's a tree, he shoots leaves at you. Does this really stand up to a boy/robot from the future with a gun as an arm?

Name: Dust Man

In: Mega Man 4

Reason for lameness: Dust Man has a square in his head...through which he tries to suck up Mega Man. So you've gone from fighting a light bulb to fighting a vacuum in Mega Man 4. Pretty scary. Man does this boss suck.

Name: Hard Man

In: Mega Man 3

Reason for lameness: Even a lightbulb and a vacuum are more menacing than something hard. Hard man as in not soft. Hard man is not difficult. Hard man is hard to make fun of.

Name: Wire Sponge

In: Mega Man X2

Reason for lameness: In the later X series, developers needed to get away from the woodiness and brightness of their previous lame attempts so they stopped the "man" at the end of everything. Instead, we now get cleaning products. Wire Sponge and Dust Man could totally be in a late night infomercial for a cleaning product. Also, it looks like a pickle.

Name: Magnet Man

In: Mega Man 3

Reason for lameness: Dude has a big cartoon magnet on his forehead. Couldn't he be a regular magnet man? At the very least, he could have been one giant magnet instead of just one lame one right in the middle of his head. This dude just attracts weak metal...much like Nickelback.

Name: Duff McWhalen

In: Mega Man X5

Reason for lameness: I saved the best for last. With a name like that, you'd better either be a hilarious cereal mascot or a gigantic Irish dude who likes the occasional recreational beverage. Instead, he's a whale that relies on super cheap instant death spikes in his boss room. McWeak.

Controllers and controls - A Nick/Anders dialogue part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 21:48:00 +0000

WASDlanders, it's time once again for Uncle Nick and Uncle Anders to tell you some stories about back in the day. This week, we're complaining about video game controllers and controls. Sit down, have some hot chocolate, and listen to us ramble for a bit, won't you?

Nick: So Anders, you seem to be the expert on video games and controllers. Tell me, what was one of your worst experiences with a controller?

Anders: Oh hi, Nick! Like most of my other worst experiences, I encountered the most poorly made controllers as a young child during the N64 era it seemed that none of my friends (of which there were many) had a full set of 4 first party n64 controllers. Someone was always stuck on a third party controller that had sticky buttons, an unresponsive joystick, and Cheeto stains.

Nick: Oh man, i can attest to that. I've blamed crappy controllers on my Mariokart 64 troubles more than once. No one seems to have a full set of Wii controllers this gen, either. The problem continues. Since all of the systems i owned as a kid had good controllers (SNES, psx, ps2), I'm gonna have to give the Atari Jaguar an honorable mention. My friend across the street had an Atari Jaguar for some reason. This thing looked like a blue toilet that had about two worthwhile games on it, one of which was Rayman. You'd think a limbless dude would be hard to control already, but throw in this gigantic controller with no less than thirty unresponsive buttons and it's bad news all around.

Nick: Anders, have you ever THROWN a controller in anger? Did it break into lots and lots of pieces? What game caused it?

Anders: Well Nick, even as a child I had a stoic and non-controller throwing demeanor. But my skills in Pokemon red/blue resulted in many a game boy being thrown at or near my general direction. It helped to toughen me into the man I am today. Those original Game Boys are like bricks.

Anders: I remember owning a game gear that could have doubled as a club. You had owned one of those battery suckers once, right?

Nick: Yeah dude. I remember I had this Sonic ripoff game called Ristar that lasted longer than the battery life of the thing, so i never saw the end of it. It took SIX AA batteries and lasted maybe a few hours. Totally not worth it. I probably could have just gotten an A/C plug in for it, but who plugs in their portable gaming device?

Anders: We've talked alot about poor controllers, but what about games with fundamentally flawed control schemes? Which games are tearing your fingers apart, Nick?

Nick: One game that i never got used to controlling was Tomb Raider for the original Playstation. Lara croft is an acrobatic woman, but man, you'd have to hold down like five buttons to get her to do a backflip or to get out of the way of that BEAR that's going to eat her. Raiding tombs and platforming in the jungle should not be this difficult. I'd almost need a third hand to play this game. It really did tear me apart.

WASDlanders, what terrible controllers have you had to deal with in life? What about badly controlled games? Sit around the old fire and let Uncle Nick and Anders know.

Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 23:04:00 +0000

Good day WASDlanders! Recently, I've been enjoying Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon.

This game utilizes full 3-d graphics, controller rumble, and real time cutscenes.

If you're a fan of epic 3d adventures such as The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, then you'll definitely enjoy Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon. Goemon (who unfortunately is not a Pokemon), is the lead character of the game. The player has the option to play as three other awesome ninjas throughout the game, each of whom has their own special ability.

Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon does not suffer from the camera issues plaguging many 3-dimensional games. The game also features Controller Pak compatibility, allowing the player to save at any time.

However, Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon is not perfect. The game could definitely benefit from DLC, allowing the player to unlock new ninja companions or weapon upgrades. Mystical Ninja is short on endgame content, an issue that could also be fixed by additional DLC.

It is my opinion that this game is definitely better then Halo:Reach.

Agree? Disagree? Let me know in the comments, Wasdlanders!

The story of a guy who looks like the Prince of Persia and a giant muppet reject.

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:15:00 +0000

WASDlanders, as you probably know, I like to buy obscure and underappreciated games. Majin and the Forsaken Kingdom is one of them. One of my favorite new developers, Bandai Namco ((makers of Enslaved: Odyssey of the West) double parentheses: I guess they really like long complicated titles for their games). It is about a young man who looks an awful lot like the Prince of Persia and a Majin, or giant muppety nature monster.

I just recently started the game and for the first bit, I thought I was playing a Disney-inspired Shadow of the Colossus. Take all of the intrigue, mystery, and general weirdness of Ico and Shadow of the Colossus and then...add a muppet. The prince unfortunately handles pretty sluggishly. The game is kind of a puzzly 3rd person adventure game, not unlike a combination of the previously mentioned Team ICO games.

The sweet part of the game though is that you can smash things with your giant muppet. Hold down R2 and SMASH away. The prince can't defeat most enemies on his own, so you'll have to use your muppet majin to make the baddies go away. The majin also gains elemental abilities throughout the game and the game's AI uses them quite smartly. Puzzles are abound in this muppety adventure game. I look forward to playing the rest and I recommend it to anyone who plays Combat Arms, drinks excessive amounts of Dr. Pepper, or has a special place in his or her heart for gummy worms.

The least threatening fighting game characters

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 21:57:00 +0000

The idea of fighting games is to take down your opponent in any way possible. Ju-jitsu, staring them down, spamming the cheapest attack, these are all great techniques. However, game developers rarely take physical appearance into account. These are some of the least terrifying fighting game characters, ones that wouldn't be so bad to face.

Dhalsim - Street Fighter IV

Dhalsim is super zen and as a result he is stretchy. That might mean he can reach you from way across the screen, but how much would that really hurt? If I stretched my arm ten feet across the room and smacked someone, I feel like they would just be annoyed rather than in pain. Ok, so the dude can breathe fire too. However, it peters out halfway across the screen, a far cry from the much more awesome HADOKEN!

Pyron - Darkstalkers series

So you're playing Darkstalkers and you're some kind of awesome werewolf or vampire or something. You look across the screen and see....a blob. An orange yellowy blob. Maybe it's made of melted down Cheetos? This blob just sort of lunges out at you on occasion. Not threatening at all unless it maybe rolls over you when you're asleep. He's from the planet Hellstorm, but this is a heck drizzle at best.

Servbot - Marvel vs. Capcom 2

If cuteness could kill, this character originally from Mega Man Legends would be a formidable opponent. According to Capcom's wiki, "Servbots also love to eat spaghetti, curry, and drink coffee." Uhh, cool? That's not very terrifying. You know, if it gets too close, I guess you might get taken down by some spicy garlic coffee breath or someting. Also, "In The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, Servbot 40 becomes interested in interior design and talking about his feelings." Be careful, Servbot just might reupholster your couch and find a lovely centerpiece for your mantle.

Noob Saibot - Mortal Kombat series

Dood, his name is n00b.

Green Lantern - Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe

So here's Green Lantern's deal. His ring can make absolutely anything in the world: a unicorn, nine thousand pirates, flaming heads of doom. But you know what he does? He turns his ring into a giant fist. every. time. Not very threatening if you know to expect a big green fist in every fight.

Amingo - Marvel vs. Capcom 2

Amingo is a fat cactus with a sombrero. So his biggest threat is that if you touch him, you'll get pricked. According to the Capcom wiki, "he's searching for a mysterious wind that is sweeping across his land and destroying any plant life it touches." Just a quick question: how might one search for wind exactly? Look at rustling tree branches and run past them? Anyway, this plant is likely to be distracted by lame things like the wind while you're beating up on him.

Terrible games we've had the misfortune of playing

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 22:22:00 +0000

It's kind of like a terrible sweater. It's lame, it might be smelly, and it's entirely possible it came from Grandma. As super professional cyborg ninja video game reviewers, Anders and I have come across some no fun mega lame NOT cyborg ninja-type games.

Blast Chamber for PSOne: I have no idea how I got my hands on this one, maybe I picked it up at EBGames way back when it was cheap. Blast Chamber wants to be really cool and gritty, but is mostly just real ugly even for PSOne graphics. It's called a "3d rotatable deathmatch," but it's more like a 2d rotatable MISmatch. Everything is grainy and lame like healthy cereal. It's multiplayer, but good luck deciding what the heck is ever going on with that many people playing simultaneously. Blasting your friends should stick in the second dimension, Bomberman style.

Cool Spot for Sega Genesis: I'm not sure what I was expecting here, since it's a shameless product placement game for the fizzy and delicious soft drink 7up. You play as the Cool Spot, a red dot with sunglasses. Since it was the 90s, this was a 2D platformer. The jumping was broken. For some reason you had to fight hermit crabs. You collected delicious bottles of 7up, but what's the point? In an age of endless numbers of platformers, Cool Spot did not end up being lemony and refreshing, it only made me thirsty for better games.

Wii Sports for Wii, duh: Maybe this was cool when it came out, for a few days until you realized that a) bowling and tennis are the only worthwhile sports and b) all of these uncool people are now touching my Wii, durnit! I'm glad there's a game like this that old people can play and enjoy, but us young people like explosions, soul patches, and regenerating health, NOT family friendly sports. Wii Sports has been surpassed by all other types of motion control, these days it feels like random waggling.

Block Party for Wii: While it took a few months for the massively popular Wii Sports to be revealed as little more than a waggle fest, the terrible, brokeness of Block Party Wii is evident the moment you pick up the controller. The graphics have a Jimmy Neutron feel...that is, if Jimmy was a boy genius from HELL. The sound design combines your favorite C-list elevator music with poorly recorded grunts and sighs from lethargic children. The cover of Block Party Wii features games like bowling, frisbee, and horseshoes, yet none of these modes are in the actual game. While I could fault Block Party for this massive lie, its actually one of the games strongest features. The less of this game anyone has to play, the better. (Contributed by Anders' biceps).

Spongebob Squarepants: Truth or Square: TRUTH be known, I love me some Spongebob Squarepants. Upon first inspection, I hoped this game would be a bold combination of Spongebob mythos and the drama of a middle school 'truth or dare' slumber party. In reality, the game is more like a combination of cardboard mythos and the drama of a middle school magazine fundraiser. (Contributed by Anders' triceps).

What horrible games have you had the misfortune of playing, WASDlanders?
Share your tales of woe in the comments section!

Rayman: A Nick/Anders dialogue

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 23:23:00 +0000

This week, we thought it would be fun to have a Nick/Anders dialogue about one of our favorite old games, Rayman! We had to edit out lots of namecalling and ego stroking from these conversations, but what you read here is a fine example of what glasses combined with muscles can do.

Nick: So Anders, tell us why we should care about Rayman, a platformer that is more than ten years old! Dude doesn't even have any limbs.

Anders: Well you see Nick, long before Rayman got caught up with the poorly concieved marketeing gimmick known as the "rabbids", our hero was the lead character in one of the best, quirkiest platformers of the 90s. Just look at that sax! What modern videogames have the balls to create bosses like this?

Nick: Quite true, Mr. Johnson. In fact, if I remember correctly, there was even a boss MADE solely of balls. An astute observation. These days, boss fights are all giant tentacled demon monsters with baby heads. Sometimes i miss fighting a big old mosquito or a saxophone.

Nick: Do you remember Rayman being difficult?

Anders: Not for its time, but if we're to judge by todays standards, then definitely. Not having arms and legs must preclude him from having the ability to regenerate health while hiding behind a crate.

Nick: Haha, so true. I remember to actually beat the game, you had to free animals from five cages in EVERY level. Platformers were my bread and butter, though, so I finished it......ten years later when it was rereleased on PSN.

Anders: While id love to play a NEW rayman game, that haircut and those shoes SCREAM 1997. If you were to remake Rayman to appeal to todays gamer audience, what changes would you make?

Nick: Other than put it in 3-D and have regenerating health? Not sure, actually. I might take a page from Nintendo and just make the graphics a little nicer and add co-op. But the game would not be impossible a la Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Nick: So Anders, you seem to be the expert in having muscular limbs. What would life be like without limbs?

Anders: Well Nick, limblessness would certainly be a hindrance to my everyday life of N64 and weightlifting. True, floating hands make hanging on to flying anthropomorphic "O" rings a breeze, but without proper bicep/tricep development Rayman will never be able to bench above 120.

Anders: What was your favorite world in Rayman?

Nick: Picking my favorite world in Rayman is like picking my favorite pair of black framed glasses, nearly impossible. I remember the music world best, but it was real annoying. Props to the "art" world, which has you jumping on pencils in seas of ink.

What if you didn't have limbs, WASDlanders? Did you ever play Rayman or were you still wee little people?

What's missing this generation?

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 22:33:00 +0000

We all know that I'm old, WASDlanders. I was an avid gamer last generation with a PS2 and I still stay pretty busy these days with a PS3. Wayyy back, I had Super Nintendo that I was all about. Each of these generations have trends, and I think this gaming generation we're missing out on some trends of old that would still be awesome if implemented today.

Platformers

There are most definitely not enough platformers these days. Sony practically built their empire on Crash Bandicoot and what's he up to now? Getting fat and probably NOT jumping on boxes in the jungle would be my guess. Last generation, we had all kinds of platforming awesomeness spewing out of the fun geyster including but not limited to: Jak and Daxter, Sly Cooper, Ratchet and Clank, Spyro the Dragon, Beyond Good & Evil, and Rayman. These days, it's pretty much up to Nintendo to give us platformers and you have to get tired of Mario at some point, right?

JRPGS

If Sony built their empire on Crash Bandicoot, they solidified it with Final Fantasy and Squaresoft RPGs. Many people criticized Final Fantasy XIII for feeling like a linear action game rather than a traditional RPG in which your character has (dull) conversations with townspeople while looting their houses. If we don't count Final Fantasy XIII, we're severely lacking in JRPGs this generation. It seems we're all about our Western RPGs now. We're missing out on the delicious Japaneseness of: Final Fantasy X, Chrono Chross, Final Fantasy Tactics, Xenogears, and Vagrant Story.

Funny or quirky games

As I've said lots of times, it seems games lately are all about facial hair, aliens, and things people with facial hair kill aliens with. What happened to the steady flow of crazy games like Mr. Mosquito, a game that had the player sucking the blood of an unassuming Japanese family? Or what about Gitaroo Man, the greatest music rhythm game that no one's ever heard of?

Cel-shading

Last generation, cel-shading, or giving a game a cartoony look was all the rage. Near the end of the generation, some visually impressive graphics came about with this technique. Games like Sly Cooper and the comic book-based XIII brought a cartoony and stylish look to their games. The only game I can think of this generation that embraced cel-shading was the supposedly fantastic Valkyria Chroncicles. Where are the cartoons now?! MOAR!

Non-serious FPSs

Military shooters are very very boring. Space marines are boring. This is all we get these days, variations on shooting stuff in space or shooting stuff in the desert. Last generation, with fantastic games like Timesplitters, had you time traveling anywhere from the distant future to the old west and everwhere in between. The previously mentioned XIII put you in the shoes of a secret agent infiltrating Russian snow bases. Most importantly, these games retained their sense of fun. Shooting monkeys with flamethrowers? Heck yes! But alas, none of this in the Call of Duties or Halos this generation.

Co-op PSN downloads - quick reviews

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 22:06:00 +0000

WASDlanders, game size isn't everything. Playing AAA titles like Call of Duty and Halo of War: Soulpatch Ops is all fine and dandy, but you shouldn't count out downloadable games. Some of the most fun I've had on my PS3 was on games I've downloaded from the Playstation Store. Here are a few quick reviews of some of the more awesome ones.

Dead Nation - 4/5

How can you go wrong? This is a twin stick overhead shooter that pits you and your good buddy (online or local) against a horde of zombies. You rocket them, shotgun them, Molotov cocktail them, really any way you want to maim a zombie is available. My only complaint is that the camera is a bit distant from the zombie action, but you'll want that to watch your back for the sneaky zombies.

Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light - 4/5

Another great co-op experience! Lara Croft teams up with some random Aztec guy to raid tombs and such. This is also a twin stick shooter, allowing freedom of movement and shooting direction. There are some RPG elements, allowing players to equip accessories and boost stats. Puzzles in this game are also quite clever, not always relying on the boring old crates and switches.

Castle Crashers - 5/5

ANOTHER great co-op game, do you notice a trend here? After a few years on the XBOX 360, this fun beat-em up has finally been released for PS3. Pick the blue, red, orange, or green knight and level up as you fight your way through everything from a cat that's also kind of a fish and a giant cave bat. Dumb fun all the way, made even better with more players.

Blokus - 3/5

It looks quite a bit like Tetris, but it's not! It's a board game! Wait, come back! Board games on the PS3 may seem a little strange, but this one is quite fun. Each player has to get rid of their Tetris-like blocks by placing them on the board. The only catch is you can only attach them to corners of each other. The game is actually a lot of fun, minus the very Mii-looking avatars they make you use.

Gunstar Heroes - 5/5

Old timey 2D games are my bread and butter. I grew up on Megaman, so shooting stuff in a 2D space gets me all excited. Gunstar Heroes lets you team up with your buddy of course, but it also lets you use unique weapon combinations. There's fire, lightning, homing, and rapid fire. So combining lightning and homing for example gives you a crosshair of doom that tracks down enemies to eat their faces! Elliot and I played this one at gaming before, you probably noticed the looks of awe and awesomeness on our faces.

Donkey Kong 64 Review

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 17:10:00 +0000

Nick is sick this week kiddos, which means Uncle Anders is in charge

Gird up your loins and hide the women and children, its time for a special WASDLAND Review/Public Service Announcement regarding Donkey Kong 64.

THIS. GAME. IS. TERRIFYING.

Playing Donkey Kong 64 is the experience of building a jigsaw puzzle with violent mimes.

After booting up the game, the player is greeted with Donkey Kong holding a barrel against a crimson sky.

Did some horrific monkey-based nuclear warfare permanently blot out the sun?

Is the blood of the innocent rising to the heavens in protest?

Who knows? The only truth in Donkey Kong 64 is that you must COLLECT. And COLLECT. AND COLLECT.

The fetch quests in DK64 are suffocating in quantity. Nintendo Coins, Rareware Coins, Banana Coins, Banana Fairy Pictures, Banana Fairy Film, Golden Bananas, headphones, Crystal Coconuts, Battle Crowns, Banana Medals, Blueprints, AND THE LIFE ESSENCE OF THE UNDEAD.

They say that criminals always return to the scene of the crime; the amount of backtracking required in DK64 has Donkey Kong and his pals tagged as ne'er-do-wells of the worst degree.

This is not a game you play, it is a waking nightmare to be lived.

In the future, when hyperintelligent aliens invade Earth and discover DK64, the human race will either immediately be revered as gods or instantly laser-ed to extinction. If it means an existence without the horror of Donkey Kong 64, I hope vaporization is in our near future.

As a work of unsurpassed malevolence, the WASDLAND awards Donkey Kong 64 7 out of 5 Christopher Walkens.

The Sly Collection HD - Sly 1 review

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 19:30:00 +0000

As many have pointed out, this generation lacks great platforming games. The days of colorful animal mascots jumping on boxes and collecting things has been replaced by beardy dudes smacking aliens in the face. This bums me out, so you can imagine my excitement when Sony decided to release some of the most clever and slick platforming to grace the PS2 in mega awesome high definition in The Sly Collection.

Sly Cooper is a raccoon thief from a long line of raccoon thieves who needs to steal his family's secrets back to become a master thief. He enlists the help of a really nerdy turtle and a big fat pink hippo. (I guess Sly has a hard time making friends?) Each level requires Sly to sneak past searchlights, attack enemies, and collect clues to open a vault in each level.

Once Sly has collected all of the clues in a certain level, he learns a new thief technique. The techniques are anything from an exploding hat (a personal favorite) or a technique that keeps you from instantly dying when you fall in water. These techniques are fun, but they unfortunately make an easy game even easier. Later in the game, you master invisibility, so even if you get caught by guards you're still safe under your cloak. Also of note, the platinum trophy for this game might be one of the easiest, ever. You pretty much just have to play through the game and collect each clue. It should also be noted that there's a platinum for EACH GAME in The Sly Collection.

Each of the five worlds features mostly platforming levels with the occasional minigame level, ranging from racing to shooting to, well, racing. There isn't a lot of variety and to add to the problem these minigames are rather difficult. I'd rather spend time in one of the REAL levels jumping and sneaking and such than race Sly's fat hippo friend around in a van.

Overall, I think this game is still entertaining but has unfortunately aged despite its HD makeover. I think developer Sucker Punch likely innovated and made a good game even better in the open world-style Sly 2. I give Sly 1 from Sony's The Sly Collection 3 and a half fat pink hippos out of 5.

What we will see and maybe won't see in 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 21:45:00 +0000

Happy new year, WASDlanders! After a short hiatus, we're back to the agonizing, life-shortening work of writing for a library-affiliated video game blog. Just kidding. Since it's January, the month of self-improvement and making promises and predictions that won't be remembered or carried out after February, I thought it would be fun to make some gaming predictions about 2011.

Things that will happen

Mobile phone gaming will be a bigger deal

I recently acquired a Droid 2 and the games on it are plentiful. This year, the huge game was Angry Birds, a game in which you slingshot, uh, angry birds into what can only be described as green circle blobs. It's perfect because what little controls there are seem quite precise. Not to mention it wastes all of your free time. ALL OF IT. So this year, I think we'll see an even bigger push into mobile gaming.

Lots more HD remakes

Not to make this an article about all of the awesome consumer goods I have, but I also acquired The Sly Collection for PS3 for Christmas. For the uninitiated, The Sly Collection is a trilogy of PS2 platformers given trophy support and HDified. With the Ico/Shadow of the Colossus HD collection coming out eventually, I predict there will be lots of these HD cash-ins. Here's hoping for a Timesplitters or a Gitaroo Man HD remake.

Things that will not happen

Clever motion control games

Sony and Microsoft have certainly threatened to catch the attention of the "hardcore" gaming audience by releasing fewer party games and focusing on mature and clever uses for motion control. Lies. All lies. We will see more cute and casual motion control games than ever. With unicorns. And babies. AND UNICORN BABIES.

Wii games worth playing besides Zelda

The end of 2009 was huge for Nintendo, releasing grade A titles like Donkey Kong Returns and Epic Mickey. Besides the new Zelda game, the outlook for Wii games is looking slim this year. With Nintendo's focus likely on the new 3DS, I predict that the Wii is unfortunately on its way out.

Honorable mention (thanks to Anders for letting me steal his idea)

Also not happening this year, Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony will NOT combine forces to make a WiiStation 540 that has the ability to play every type of video game ever and has a motion control sensor that can be implanted in your brain. Probably won't happen.

Dead Space impressions

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 22:38:00 +0000

It's the end of 2010, so it's a good time to reflect on what we've missed these last couple of years. In 2009, EA released Dead Space to much critical acclaim and I largely ignored it. Not because it didn't sound fun, but because I am way too cheap to pay $60 for a somewhat short but exhilarating game like this one. But now that a good friend purchased it for me (remember, WASDlanders, buying things for me makes me like you better) I have had a chance to start it.

For the uninitiated, Dead Space is a 3rd person survival horror game. In it, you play as Isaac, a welder who boarded an abandoned ship to do some repairs. Then you meet some people on the supposedly abandoned ship ship who wanted to eat your face and just generally have too many limbs.

First, I was impressed that Dead Space wastes absolutely no time in terrifying your face clean off. Things are peaceful for a total of thirty seconds until your ship crashes and you run inside a new ship. Then, many limbed monstrosities start chasing after you and you're all like, "HOW DO I RUN!!?? TRIANGLE?? WHERE'S THAT!!!!?" so it's pretty impressive right off the bat. Then, you run into an elevator, change your pants, and continue on with the game.

Dead Space also does a great job of immersing you. There's no HUD (heads up display), Isaac's health and others are displayed right on his back instead of on the screen. The ship is also very lonely, save for the previously mentioned many limbed monstrosities (also called necromorphs). You never have direct contact with anyone but these crazy monsters. Your crew will talk to you through an intercom and order you to go do things like go to parts of the ship where things will try and eat your face just to get some supplies, but you never talk to anyone directly.

Finally, the combat mechanic in Dead Space is clever. The game can be won using only your starting weapon, a gun that shoots blades. As opposed to traditional first person shooters, where you wanna shoot people right in the face, you have to shoot these monsters' limbs off if you want to survive to the end of the game. I enjoyed this mechanic of the game, and it gives a bit of a Resident Evil 4 feel what with all of the 3rd person shooting of limbs to slow monsters down.

Overall, I'm looking forward to completing this game and most likely continuing on to Dead Space 2 coming out in 2011. So we've learned that Nick likes gifts, many limbed monstrosities should be avoided or should be liberated from their extra limbs, and that Nick has not gotten around to completing this game yet for a full review. Happy holidays, WASDlanders, we'll see you in 2011.

Review: Final Fantasy XIII

noreply@blogger.com (Anders) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 21:08:00 +0000

Final Fantasy XIII
MSRP: $60
Rating: Teen
Platforms: Xbox 360, PS3 (played on 360)

Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the FF13 review, hosted by the WASDlands baldest, muscliest author, ME.

If you've wasted your time reading OTHER game websites besides the WASDland, you may have heard the Final Fantasy 13 was a disappointment. This is like saying the characters of FF13 do not have enough accessories; it is simply NOT TRUE. Final Fantasy XIII deviates far from the traditional RPG setup, proving to be wildly successful in some areas and pretty mediocre in others.

Playing Final Fantasy 13 is similar to the experience of sledding down the worlds shortest, steepest, most gorgeous hill. Battles are short and exhilarating, the scenery and level design will blow your young eyes out of their sockets, but the repetition and overall lack of depth in the game hold FFXIII back from being a true great.

The game is very linear, and does not offer RPG staples such as towns, traditional shops, and NPC fetch quests. This does help to streamline the game in some areas, but also makes the game come across as empty and shallow in other areas. Its hard to get emotionally attached to saving the world from an evil space pope when you don't actually get to interact with the world itself.

By far the most enjoyable part of Final Fantasy 13 are the battles. The fights carry the same excitement and visceral joy as beating someone up after school (note: the WASDLAND does not condone real-life violence of any kind). Even random battles with foot soldiers which would be tedious in other RPGS are fun, fast-paced tactical encounters in FFXIII.

Final Fantasy 13 is a new-age RPG that attempts to 'paradigm shift' many traditional aspects of the genre. Successful in changing some areas and not in others, Final Fantasy has enough bright spots to earn a WASDland recommendation and a final score of 4 out of 5 accessories.

I would have awarded the game 10 out of 5 accessories if there were MORE MUSCLES.

Enslaved: Odyssey to the West review

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Taylor) — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 21:29:00 +0000

Enslaved: Odyssey to the West
MSRP: $60, but $25 at one point on Amazon
Rating: Teen
Platforms: XBOX 360 and PS3, played on PS3

Unfortunately, most people I talk to about Enslaved are not terribly excited about it. It's another third person adventure game that probably rips off God of War, right? Well, only kind of. Read on to find out that I have awesome taste in obscure games.

Enslaved is a third person adventure game in which you play as Monkey, a super muscly and agile dude with ridiculously well-styled hair. He has been enslaved by Trip, a princess of some sort who needs to get home. Monkey is enslaved by a special crown that Trip put on him, such that if Trip dies, Monkey dies. Therefore, it is Monkey's job to get Trip safely to her destination, smacking giant robots with a giant stick the whole way.

I know what you're saying. "The WHOLE GAME is an escort mission? I have to watch over this 'Trip' character the whole time?" I hate escort missions too, but Trip is actually useful in Enslaved. She can distract turrets, she heals Monkey, and she's awesome at nagging. Wait, that last one isn't helpful. One very annoying aspect of Enslaved is Trip telling you what to do. "Monkey, go flip that switch. Monkey, go climb things. Monkey, get me an upside down carmel vanilla latte." Very annoying, but at least she's actually useful most of the time.

Throughout the game, Monkey will do a lot of platforming in the vein of Prince of Persia. This is broken up by a decent combat system in which Monkey has to block, counter, and stun his enemies to get a clean hit in. Monkey can also collect "tech orbs," which allow him to upgrade his health, shield, combat, or staff abilities. The game does NOT have enough orbs to upgrade everything (unless I just suck at getting orbs), so you have to upgrade carefully.

By far, the best part of Enslaved is the story. Without it, this game would be another mediocre third person platformer. The dialogue is clever and pretty funny. Trip and Monkey actually grow as people. Monkey is of course angry that Trip enslaved him with his crazy crown, but he comes to understand why she had to do it over time. Unlike many games, you do not see plot developments coming from a mile away. The ending is cool, creepy, unexpected, and satisfying all in one. You'll never see it coming. Do yourself a favor and don't spoil it for yourself.

Instead, play this too often ignored platformer, it just so happens we have a demo for it on Koelbel's PS3. Namco Bandai did NOT pay me for writing this positive review. I give Enslaved: Odyssey to the West four out of five well-styled head shots.