Everyone knows that poor bunnies should not eat chocolate.  Actually, bunnies with money should also not eat chocolate.  So every damn year, the corporations send him thousands of boxes of Easter eggs.  To try to kill him.  And that bunny thinks “I will give it to the kids” but you know, he aint a big fat guy in a red suit that has a load of reindeers to pull him along on a sleigh.  He is a small bunny.  Long soft ears.  Tail to die for.  He has a LOT to do.  And you know, he doesn’t have time to deliver eggs.  Don’t be surprised if you see a bloated constipated bunny on the side of the road with chocolate around his mouth one morning after a heavy night on the town doing lines of carrotcaine and gets home and gets the munchies.  See’s all those chocolate eggs and BAM.  Bye bye bunny.

But you know, apart from the whole Easter thing, it is also time for a couple of weeks off work.  Me and my 4 year old daughter who is off school.  So it is me and her.  Mono e Mono.  And you know what…I have learnt a lot.  In the so far 3 days I have been alone with her, I have found that I know absolutely nothing.  And I am rubbish at playing games.  This can be seen as:

“Daddy, I want to play the 2 pigs.  You be the big bad wolf and I will be the pig.  I am just going to make my house”.  So she makes her imaginary house.  I put on a very good performance as the wolf.  I managed to really make the character mine.  I huffed.  I puffed.  I blew as hard as I could….but it seems that she used bricks.  So I couldn’t blow it down.  Clever girl.  Well played.  My turn!  I decide I have moved in to a nuclear bunker 100m under ground.  Apparently this is not good enough (pretty sure it would have been) so I now have to start again.  I make my house.  She turns up.  Does a very weak wolf performance compared to mine.  Ah-haaa!  I have used bricks too!  But her wolf has a key.  Lets himself in.  Eats me.

Fine.  You want to play like that?  On the next round I too had a key as she once again had a brick house.  Except that according to the piggy…my key doesn’t work.  So she is still safe.  2-0 to her.  Next up I made a house with no doors or windows.  And is made of bricks.  She will NEVER get through that!  I am safe.  Actually.  No.  I am not.  “Daddy, you have a straw house!” a few huffs and puffs later, I am a bacon sandwich.  3-0.  This seems hellishly unfair.

Lets just say I never once got to win.  She won 8-0.

Another instance of an inability to win was the “Tooth fairy” incident.

Laying in bed one morning, she decided that “Daddy, lets play the tooth fairy!”.  A very easy game.  I pretended to be asleep (I pretended the hell out of that.  It was so early that I think I actually went to sleep!) and she used her wand to steal my imaginary tooth and replace it with imaginary money and some imaginary chocolate.  “Your turn!” she exclaimed excitedly.  So she acted asleep.  I did my magic.  She woke up.  Looked under the pillow.  “That is the wrong chocolate!”.  I managed to supply the wrong imaginary chocolate.  “Try again”.  So I did.  “Nooo…not THAT chocolate!”.  I cant even get the right imaginary chocolate.  We played several times before I decided that I am no good at it and we had breakfast instead.

Today we played “Red Riding Hood”.  To cut a long story short.  I got eaten.  4 times.  She got away.  Every time.  I even got shot at one point.

WHY CANT I WIN ANY GAMES!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

But it isn’t just that.

I also don’t drive the car the way I should.  I should be using the brake to accelerate and the accelerator to brake.  Because that is how ”All cars work”.

I also don’t know where I live.  “Daddy you don’t know the way home do you.  I know the way.  You don’t”.

And she is costing me a damn fortune.  Go to the shop and it is “I NEED that.  Can I have that?  And that?” “Pick one and you can have that.” “OK.  That.  I want that one.  And I need that one”.  What the….  Regardless of travel costs, money spent at lunchtime and the stresses of work…it seems to be a walk in the park compared to the little madam that seems to have appeared since she started going to school.

It is 2:45pm on Thursday.  We have been alone during the day since Tuesday at 8:30am.  I have another 6 whole days of me and her alone before school restarts.  I am seriously concerned about how much more my self esteem can take getting hit like this.

Where is the chocolate.  Imaginary or otherwise.

© 2013, Sy. All rights reserved.

Well.  It seems that after the previous post written by the guest blogger of my rabbit, one of my cats has decided she wants to get in on the action.  Some facts on her:

Her name is Charlie.

She is small black cat. 

She was around before my daughters were born. 

She got knocked up quite young and lives with 2 of her children.  We sold the other 2 for no profit as they didn’t understand that “Buy one, get one free” didn’t mean “Take two, don’t pay a penny”.

She hates most things.  Especially her daughter and the bunny.  I have issues with how close she is to her son.

So.  I will pass you over to Charlie.  I warn you…she can be a little touchy.

Hi.

It is my time to shine.

I want to tell you a story of love.  Of Friendship.  Of ultimate betrayal.

You know, I am pretty sure that white fluffy bastard who wrote the post before me wrote that exact line.  God I hate that rabbit.

Anyway.  My story.  Let me take you back to a time when things were so much simpler.

It used to be me and my 2 pets.  “Humans” if you will.  They would feed me while I went out and played all day and night.  The boy pet who refers to himself as “Sy” which I can only assume is short for something offensive judging by his smell, well, he was my favourite.  I loved him.  We spent so long together.  During the day when I made him leave the house to go to work, I would have a kip on his pillow.  I would leave him hair on it so he knew it was me because I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him.  My other pet, the girl one, got on very well with Sy.  They did some weeeeird stuff in bed at night which I kinda don’t understand.  We always had fun.  One night while they were doing it I sneaked up and licked his bum.  Should have seen him jump!  Good times.

Then one day it all changed.  I went through a rocky patch and got myself up the duff.  The birth of my children was a torrid affair.  Unhappy with having to do all the work and eating 4 placentas (I had a big meal before I went in to labour.  This made things a lot harder for me.  You try eating 4 sodding great steaks in a row!) by the time the 4th one came out, I got bored and left my male pet to break the little sack that the annoying uninvited sod was in. 

They got rid of two of them and kept two.  That is where the trouble started.  I don’t see why I need to share the love.  And then…inexplicably…one of my pets got pregnant.  My share of the pie went from 100% to 25% in no time at all.  I vowed vengeance on them.  My mighty sword of righteous justice would crush them.

Then they had another.  So it was me, my two children, my 2 pets and their children.  My share went down to….erm…carry the 4, add the 1, remove the….*cough*…sorry, hairball.  Where was I? 

Oh yes.

One day I came home, wandered in…my pet made me run away.  Wouldn’t let me in the kitchen.  Then I spied it.  The white fluffy red eyed idiot (or one of my pets as I call him) had bought something new in to the house.  It was white, fluffy, had red eyes…to be honest it was kinda cute, but I refused to accept her in to the house.  I had the odd pop or two at it but my pets took issue with this.  I am like a coiled spring now.  When they aren’t in the room, I can often get a great swipe at that long eat git.  Got caught out the other day…white fur on my paw…when you are completely black, it turns out they noticed.  Even my look of “huh?  What?  This?  This isn’t rabbit fur…it is cocaine!” didn’t work.

All I did was to love them.  I brought my pets so many presents.  Do you ever see them hunt down a bird, bite its head off, wander in to the kitchen with it, drop it on the floor and give a look of “Ave it!  What ya think of THAT then!”?  No they don’t.  And when I do, they go friggin NUTS. 

I have taken to waiting until they go to bed at night now and I make this pathetic crying noise.  Like I am looking for them.  Drives them nuts.  Sometimes I bring a ball in too.  Bat it about as it rattles like mad.  Make the crying noise.  Wait til I hear them get out of bed and then I leg it. 

I have also taken to helping them out with the washing.  Well, the post-wash washing.  Nice comfy pile.  I can have a great scratch while sat on that.  Give them some hairs to wear. Ungrateful b’stards never say thank you either.

Anyway, you are boring me now, I have things to do.  You know, lick myself.  Clean myself and have a damn good nap.  Leave me be.

© 2013, Sy. All rights reserved.

Soooo…  Erm.  In the interest of paramount importance rather than me being too lazy and after she read the last post and realised she was getting some bad press, today’s post is not by me.  It is by a guest poster.

It is by my bunny Elmee.  I am sorry.  I really don’t know what she is going to write.  Anyway, without further ado…..I present you with the guest post by ELMEEEEE!

Hi.

I thought I should probably bring my side of events to the table after reading that my personal sexual adventures were being posted online for all 3 readers of this site to read.  I want to tell you a story of love.  Of Friendship.  Of ultimate betrayal.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I started to get urges. 

Me and my man would often sit, cuddling, grooming each other.  He would pick thing out of my hair, I would continuously lick his arm, face, head.  Heck, I groomed him so well one day that his head had a shine to it.

Then one day while doing this I got a weird feeling.  Like he wasn’t just a friend anymore who I spent my time with.  Someone who realised I didn’t want flowers and instead bought me lettuce.  And carrots.  He knew me like no other did. 

I should note that he is also a real gentleman.  He has no matter what state I am never picked me up and had a good old look between my legs.  He has assumed I am a girl because I have the kind of tail you only see on someone you reeeeally fancy.  I wont tell him if he is right or not.  It is irrelevant.  Love has no boundaries.  I am bunny.  He is man.  I have a cute tail, he has the ability to literally pick me up off of my feet and tug on my ears in a way I like.

Anyway.  These feelings.  One day we were playing the spinny roundy game.  He moves his hand around my side and I spin around and follow it.  Then all of a sudden out of nowhere I jumped up, grabbed his arm and humped his hand.

He looked perplexed.  A little confused.  Said some words I didn’t understand.  They were “What the actual f**k!”.   Not sure what it meant, so I assumed it meant “YES! MORE!  DON’T STOP!  LETS PARTY LIKE IT’S 1999!” and I carried on.

When I was done, he picked me up.  I was expecting a cuddle.  We didn’t.

He put me back in my cage and walked away.  Got himself a post-coital beer.  Made himself a sandwich.

I felt cheated.  Used.  Like I was only there for gratification of his hand.  I decided I would have my revenge.

A while later, he let me out again.   Smiled as if nothing had happened.  He even brought lettuce with him.  Hurt from our previous encounter I decided it was time to sleep around.  See how he felt knowing he couldn’t hurt me.

I saw a sexy looking round thing in the corner.  I asked it what its name was.  It didn’t answer.  It just stared at me. I took that as an invite.  I hid in the corner of the room and went right at it.  He heard.  He looked.  I looked him right in the eye as he peered over the chair.  Angered, I showed my claws.

*bang*.  My lover disappeared.  Actually, the skin was all that was left.  I was mortified.  He just laughed.  Said something about “She just humped a balloon”.

If anyone has seen my lover, please let me know.  It will be skinless.  I feel like it was just a bag of air.  

Since then, he has become aware of my ways and cleared things away.  I had my eye on a stuffed toy from my cage.  Gone. 

At least he continues to tug on my ears. *sigh*

© 2013, Sy. All rights reserved.

There I was, minding my own business last night, mucking about with Elmee the bunny.  When she grabbed my hand, had a little nibble….and started to hump my arm.

I thought Elmee was a girl.

Maybe Elmee is a girl.  According to Google, the little fluffpots will hump anything regardless of gender.  Shortly after I found out first hand.  Seriously…none of you have/had a bunny and thought of giving me a heads up on this?

As I sat, minding my own business, Miss Humps-a-lot bouncing about the room, I heard a squeaking noise.

No, she wasnt shagging a mouse. 

But the poor balloon that she was going to town on took one hell of a beating.  Actually, she popped it.  How do I explain that to my daughters?

“Daddy…what happened to my balloon?”

“Oh, Elmee shagged it to death.  *pause* Why are you crying?”

I just don’t think I can say that.  The room has since been removed of any soft toys.  I have started to wear plastic around my legs in case I get a case of really bad man-pregnancy.  OK, so I don’t know if that is possible, and certainly not via the human vs bunny reproduction method.  And I was not once a woman who went through the change.  No, not THAT change.  I am only 37.  Be nice.

But I now cant bring myself to check if Elmee is actually Elmer.  I got used to saying “her”.  We groom each other.  My wife is already quite jealous of the time we spend together.  What if we now find out she is a boy and I spend my time with a boy grooming each other.

Geez.  All this talking of grooming, I am expecting to get arrested.  Even more when I write the next several words:

I mean, she is 5 months old, so must be reaching sexual maturity. (Dear Mr Internet policeman.  I am not grooming a child.  Nor a bunny.  Nor….you know what…I am not grooming anyone/thing.  Not even myself.  I am an unshaven mess today.  Go eat a doughnut or whatever you do.)  So what happens now?  I am scared to ask Google as it keeps reminding me of previous searches such as:

Can I buy a condom for my leg

Bunny keeps humping me and I secretly enjoy it

I love long fluffy ears

Is it illegal to play with her tail…you know…that way.

When will it snow enough that I can skive off of work

I have even gone as far as to investigating the possibility of getting a blow up sex doll for her/him, except Google messed me about and decided instead of putting “Can I get a blow-up sex doll for my rabbit”, it changed it to “Did you mean:  You are a dirty little sod who wants to bang Big Bertha the Blow Up Bunny”.   So I don’t know.

Why do bunnies have to be so difficult?  “Is that a dog or a bitch?” “What?  Look…look at those huge balls hanging there.  Obviously a boy.”  Cows have udders.  Chickens lay eggs.  Blokes…even with manboobs…well, you can still tell. 

Why do rabbits have to hide what they have and even then, according to a page I read which had nothing to do with beastiality, you have to do it a certain way to be able to tell.  What is that about? And you know, I just don’t want to do it.

So for now, I will leave her to hump me.  Because I am the closest thing she has to a family member and it is only fair to keep it in the family.

I should probably reword that last line.

© 2013, Sy. All rights reserved.