AMAZING AND AMUSING ADVENTURES ABOUT LIFE AND AMY

2009-05-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I get very, very tired. My whole life I have never been good enough, for what seems like, anyone, at least that's what they keep telling me. And they don't seem to have a problem doing that either.. What's funny is no one has ever been afraid of telling me that in no short terms. They come right out and say what they don't like about me. Could someone explain to me what has given other people the right to tell me what they think of me???

Why do I not practice the same rights?? Well I can tell you why, cause both my children are the same way. If I don't like something about someone else it is my issue to deal with. Whomever it is, they are not at fault for being themselves, ever. But if I have issues with oh lets say, the way you sit, should you be changing the way you sit, or should I be keeping what I think of that to myself. Who made my way the right way??? Just me, that's who.

This picture is of me in about 1978. See that tall skinny girl?? Well everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE had me believing that I was not pretty, that I was extremely over weight, and fat, fat, fat. That I was stupid and ugly, and that their was no hope for me at all.

The picture below is several of those people. I am on the bottom right. You know what, the day of this photo, I knew I was the fattest person there, and definitely the ugliest. My family re-enforced that before I left the state on that visit. If you think I haven't let go of that, well for the most part I have. But I am bring this up for a reason. They beat me down emotionally so hard, that to this day I fight, all the time, to believe I am OK. All it takes, especially if I a down, or ill, is one statement or comment, to take me back to being worthless.

"There is no right or wrong, but thinking makes it so". This is as true as a statement gets. Thinking... there lies the problem.. the way people think, including me ... The only reason I am right is cause I want to believe I am right. But in all honesty that doesn't make it the truth, or a fact. It might be my truth, but that doesn't make it your truth.

The picture above is me now. By all mean tired, but not ugly, or fat. But sometimes I still think about myself that way. I am always fighting the shadow enforcers that follow me around, either real or imagined. Some day's they get the better of me, and it can be quite a struggle.

So recently I was told I was to loud. HMM?? To loud for what?? I do have a large voice, and yes it carries, it is just the way it is. I don't have a lot of shame, cause I killed it cause it was doing no good. I don't carry guilt, least I try not to, cause it's just to much baggage to carry... I am too tired to carry all that crap. But that's not all I was told.

I had my inventory taken thoroughly by another person recently, and continuously. See the trick is right there, cause if I am busy looking at you, or you at me, then one of us is not taking the time to look at ourselves and change what we need to change in ourselves. Its funny cause sometimes the things we most admire in others are the same things we don't like in the same person. Like, I like how outgoing she is, and assertive, but she is to loud, whatever..

The picture above and the one below are of me and my sons. I will tell you now, they are the only people that love me as I am. Sure they are right there to point our flaws in my character, but there is a difference, though they might at times like to see me change, if I don't, I KNOW THEY STILL LOVE ME. They are there for me NO MATTER WHAT... They would not abandon me cause they thought I was less than. Or that because we are different that they are better. Mind you we all have our moments, but for the rest of our lives, well that just wouldn't happen.

You can't have a cake without the flour in it, usually.... So if you met someone.. whomever... and they said to you... I really like you... or I really love you.. BUT... you need to change... whatever... what would you honestly do?? Especially if what is being asked to change, is just who you are??

You can't love a frog, and hate it's noise, cause that's part of what makes it a frog. You can't love a porcupine and hate it's quills cause... well you know.. And you cannot love an Amy and ask her to be someone she is not. That's just how it is. Is it fair to ask someone you love to be someone other than who they are?? Cause last time I checked, love is unconditional. Once you put conditions in, it is no longer love, but a game of power and control. If you don't believe me read, "Women Who Love To Much", or any co-dependent book, or a book on emotional abuse.

I can't afford to be beaten up emotionally any more. I can't take it, it has taken it's toll. I am so far from perfect that it's not funny, but then no one else is perfect either. But I guess some people think differently. I can accept you just as you are, and if I can't then I have choices to make. Sometimes they are difficult, sometimes I have to let go. Sometimes it's a choice, me or you. But I can only take care of myself. If what you are doing is hurting me, it's me letting you hurt me, and that I can change. I will hang on as long as I can, in hopes that you will accept me.. but we all know how that goes.

At that point I have to decide what is more important, having you in my life, or...
my serenity and accepting that we maybe shouldn't be around each other. Is it to much to ask me to change?? What do you think? Would you change for me?? Maybe, but do I have a right to even ask you to do that? And if you did where would you draw the line, cause we all have a line... and that's when it starts affecting how you feel about yourself. And if you did change for me, how long would it be before you resented me??

So how do you feel about yourself?? I accept me the way I am. Am I happy being just me? You can bet your sweet ass that I am. Anyone that see's me as less than the amazing person I am probably has issues... but that's their issues not mine. I can only change me, and that is for me. So turn the mirror towards yourself, look into it and take your own inventory for a change. And if you don't see anything that needs to be changed... well then.. that would be one hell of a place to start.

The Art of Oneness

2009-04-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

I follow the most amazing site, of one of the worlds most spiritual and creative artists. The site is called 'The Art of Oneness', and the gentleman that does the art is David Shearer.

David is a 24 (almost 25) year old digital artist. Although he does traditional work as well his computer work is amazing. David is living proof that art can come naturally, because Dave has never gone to school to learn how to do is work. He has self taught himself how to do everything that he does. I have been watching him grow in is talent his whole life. He simply amazes me with his work.

When David entered the world of spirituality, and growing with the spirit of the universe, well his art expanded. The colors he uses are bright and full of life. Many of the pieces he works on can be bought as posters, and will bring a new life to a persons home. I myself have many pieces of his work in my house, digital and traditional.

This young man is an inspiration to me. He is my mentor, my teacher, my guide and my counselor. Most importantly he is a fellow spirit that is helping me believe in myself. This is not as easy as it may sound. Not for him but me, sometimes I doubt my artistic ability. But I have many people that believe in me. But Davids words let me know where I am with it. I really appreciate him and all that he shares with me.

I must say also at this point, that David is my youngest son. Many people don't listen to their children because they tend to put them in a category that they are just children. I have always listened to mine, knowing that they weren't just my children, but children of God. That they weren't just children, but people, people that deserved as much respect as any other person, even when they were young.

I feel really blessed to have such a person in my life. The fact that he is my own son is just a bonus. Both of my sons are gifts, and will always be seen that way. So I hope David gets time to read this, cause he deserves every good thing that comes into his life, and I want him to know that I am grateful to him, always will be. May be move forward with his talent and life. I hope he gets all that he has ever wanted.

The Days of My Life

2008-10-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sometime I just get wondering what it is all about... The sun is shining outside and it's truly wonderful. Love is a grand thing, when one is in it. Children are awesome, then they grow up... and then one day, for everything that is beautiful it ends. Some manner it all leaves us... usually in the long run by a ending or death... So how much time to we really have to spare in this universe... in this world of ours?

I wouldn't trade anything that I have experienced for another experience. Everything back of this is gone and made me who I am today. Finding the gift in endings is easy... when something ends it only means a new beginning for something else. Beginnings can be truly wonderful. There's more to it than that though, it's accepting everyday is a new beginning. I am not the same as yesterday, even if I do look the same. Everyday I change a tiny little bit. Part of me ends and a new little bit is found. Usually it is for the better too.

When I am with the man I love everything seems to cease to exist for the time I am with him. I know this has a lot to do with time being relative to the person experiencing it. Honestly it does, but then it is just gone, and our time together is over. Then when I am home I have another new beginning to look forward to... the next time I see him.

I seem to have this same experience with everyone, and every place, that I am with, or go to. It's like a major time distortion for me. I don't know how to really explain it well. I think I live in the now so much that there and then has left my life. I only know I have today, right now, right where I am. It is mostly a wonderful experience, and I enjoy it.

Taking a Trip with Feeling

2008-10-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

I have been talking with a friend of mine lately about traveling and touring unknown places. I've been to lots and lots of places, all over the States and Canada, and you know what I learned, LOTS.

I learned what Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz says is true. There really is no place like home. The other important thing I have learned is, Where ever I go there I am. It always happens, whatever problems I have they seem to travel with me.

Everything, everywhere, everybody is new and beautiful if I look at it with new eyes. It never ceases to amaze me that there is so much around my own home land that I haven't seen. I love fall, cause with it comes changes, and new growth in spring. The new growth in spring is the same plants usually, but each and every bud is new. It may look the same as last years growth, but it's not. But as it is now, with ever leaf and little rain must fall, and so is life.

I continue to change day to day, I am sure that confuses some people. But all my changes are a move forward for me. I wish I was satisfied with myself, but too many people are ready to point out my shortcomings. If I didn't think there was any truth to what they say, well, I probably wouldn't change at all. I do like who I am, and I love myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to improve on myself.

The father of my children was very good at pointing out my faults. It was always me, but after some examination I had a serious realization, I was the only person doing the changing. I was the one that was only improving on myself, and I was the only one growing and taking chances. Meanwhile he sat back and figured that If I was to improve on myself that his life would get better. This is a common mistake with people, you get fixed and I will be fine.

This comes in many forms, one of the most common being that we think people, places, and things will make our lives better. It is simply not a truth, it is the ultimate illusion the the world, the civilized world has been teaching this to us since day one. To unlearn this illusion is not an easy task. The most important lesson in it being that we are the ones creating the illusion, we are the ones that believe what we see is real, we buy the illusion. That the substance some how has power over us. That people have power over us.

Common things heard... if only... when.. what if... all of that is past and future stuff. Leading us to believe that everything outside of us has power to make us feel anything. You know what makes us feel?????... our thinking. I do have a great example of truth in this fact, FACT. Here ya go... lets pretend...

lets pretend: You have been going around doing what you normally do all week. Work, kids, sex, bills, whatever.... your normal busy, boring week. Then out of nowhere someone calls you and tells you your favorite aunt, the one who practically raised you is dead, but she died six days ago... Grief overwhelms you.. it takes over... she has been dead six days... but until your mind had the thought you were doing great. Until the thought reached your mind, entered and you processed it with past experiences and THEN the feeling came.

If we are in some control of our thoughts, then we are in some control of our feelings.

The Matrix

2008-10-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

In the movie the Matrix, Neo the main character is given a choice. To take the blue pill or the red pill. One will leave him in his safe known life. The other will take him to places, and a world, of the unknown. Neo takes the chance.

Life is like the two pills every single day. We make choices all time, every moment of every day. Just opening our eyes is a choice. The difference between the two pills is very obvious, do the same or do something different. If you are unhappy with your life, well then, why are you making the same choices... take the other pill.

Not unlike Neo, at first it will be scary, unknown, and it can be frightful. But what do we get when we do the same things over and over?? Well we get the same things. If you live inside a box, and never go out, then how the heck do you know what is out there? Neo found the love of his life, and a world of unknown power that he didn't know he had, once he took the pill of uncertainty. Sure he had problems, everyone has problems. But if you noticed by the end of the first movie, he had figured out how to deal this them. All the time, remaining outside the box.

Because we all change in some way, why not make it the choices we really want. The problem being we can only go by what we know, and most of us have had enough pain that we don't trust ourselves or anything else anymore. We have forgotten how to listen to our instincts. I make more good and fun mistakes than anyone I know... and it's all cause I am willing to take the risk.

Life is a blast... but we don't know that unless we take the chance and tour it in the unknown places.

Life is so Radically Cool...

2008-10-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

Some days I wonder about this thing called life... changes.. changes.. changes... and most all of them within my control... Wow... It's the same for each and every one of you out their in the world!!

I am reading an awesome book that has me in a constant state of revelation right now, it is truly wicked. Of course every book that I read I tend to think everyone should read. Especially if it leave a huge impact on me. The book I am reading is called 'How I Found Freedom in a Unfree World'. Just wicked, I am sure I will write lots about it, as I am learning tons from it. Unfortunately the author is dead now or I would be writing him and thank him for all the massive insights that he put in it.

Right now I am in a part that compares our problems and life choices to boxes. These are boxes that we choose to keep or not keep. And what is the price we are willing to pay to get out of the box, yes they are all boxes and we are in them. The interesting part is what are we willing to pay to get out of the box. Everything, EVERYTHING costs something. We can choose to stay in the box or get out. But the only thing keeping us in the box is us.

So I am thinking this, that our emotions also are boxes. We get comfortable in the boxes and no matter how miserable we are, often, we choose to stay their anyways. I for one do not like the box. I am so out of the box it can be down scary to some people. Well golly gee Gomer, ya gotta be kidding... hahahaaaaaaaaaaaa

So what happens when someone else tries to put us in a box, or they just throw us in one. Well dang, we can still choose to get out. No matter how bad it is a person can change it.

Then there is a trick box. It's a box beside a box. The box your in may be uncomfortable. and the box next to can be the greatest in the world. But out of fear we stay in the yucky box, looking at the other, and really wondering if it is as good as it looks. The truth is neither box is good or bad, they will make you grow one way or another. It's just choosing which box to be in.

I Love You... But...

2008-10-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well two posts in one day.. that is a miracle in it's self, but growth requires movement and when movement happens the more posts would probably happen right??? Well today is a day of change and growth for me... and it's reminded me of things long forgotten... so whether it is painful or not the tools of the trade will surface. The things I have learned are important to me, and I like sharing them with all that choose to read them.

One of the things that just came to mind, just a few moments ago, was something I figured out a very long time ago. I am sure that some will disagree with me, but that's ok, cause I only have to live my life, not theirs. It was the 'I love you.. but..' game. I shall explain how that works, it really is quite simple. It wraps around the unconditional love syndrome.

To me there is no such thing as unconditional love, because simply love is unconditional. You either love someone or you don't. It's that simple. Once you say 'but...' it erases the I love you. It set conditions upon what are saying. You cannot love, but.... it doesn't work. If you have a child, and you say, 'I love you but you need to blah blah blah..' you have just told your child that you will love them if they only do or be whatever it is.

Love is equal to everyone. It's all the same, the only difference is how involved, and in what way you are involved with the person you are talking to. Once you say 'I love you but..' it becomes a conditional game. Oh just because you choose to have limits in your life doesn't make it wrong, or doesn't change the fact that you love a person or not. It does however make the situation different than just loving a person.

'I love you... but you need to lose weight', 'I love you but... you should wear dresses', 'I love you.. but...', well either you love someone or not. The other stuff is just that stuff. I am not going to my death bed thinking I could have loved you, or loved you better, had you cleaned your room or whatever. I will just love you, period. My love for my sons will never change no matter what they do. I may not like that they don't clean their apartment the way I would like, but I love them none the less.

So in thinking this, and why it came about, I had forgotten that No Matter What, means exactly that. It still amazes me to this day that when my husband was dying of cancer, how many women said they would have left their husbands had they been in the same situation. That profoundly amazed me. How many people would leave their mates had something happened to them, such as a car wreck, a disfigurement, an illness or whatever.

What happens when someone that is rich due to the stock market loses their money?? Does that person suddenly become worth less as a human being? A lot of women use men for their money... so who is really worth the lessor in the two?? Is it the husband who gave his all, or the woman who believes she is worth more than a poor man, but only if she has a 10 carat diamond.. which leads me to a whole other topic...

Self Deception

2008-10-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

You know, for about 7 seconds in life I thought I was ok, really ok. In my brain I know I am ok, then wham.. up side my head... smacked with all the hopes and dreams I thought I had. Life has a way of doing that to people. I think I should go ahead and move up to the top of a mountain and watch the sun set, and the stars sparkle.

When a person graduates high school they have the rest of their lives in front of them. They see the world as a place to explore. I was so busy trying to survive my childhood that I didn't dare go there. I use to think that the world was a ocean of people that were successful in life. But I found out different, the world is filled with people doing the best they can, with what they got. Most people are not successful, they are too busy trying to survive.

People are so busy trying to get something they don't have that they don't see what they do have. So while jogging through life they miss the whole point. We think that the next thing will fix our lives. We go through school thinking when I am finished it will be good. Then we get the job and think when I get the promotion it will be good, then we get married and have children and think we have it. But the kids get wild, and we think, when they graduate. Then we think when we retire, it will be good. During all these things, and more, we continually are thinking about the next thing that will fix it. Till we get to death, and we are laying on the death bed thinking, I wish I had enjoyed my life more, I wish I had made different decisions, better choices.

While walking in the trees within the wind today, I wanted to be nowhere else. It was wonderful. I was with the man I love, and I wanted nothing else. It was all good. I felt happy, healthy, serene. Then smack, right up side my head. It all left.. oh not the breeze, not the trees, but my serenity went out the window. I think sometimes I have to quit hoping for good in my life. But if I give up hope, what is left but just mere existence. I have to hope for the good, or their just isn't a point in anything. It's all about growth and change, and not being afraid.

I have a heart full of love.

Dinner and a Sales Pitch...

2008-10-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

I went to one of those meetings tonight where they try to talk you into joining some kind of marketing scam. The lure you in with a promise of dinner and MP3 players. I had not ever been to one of these before, although I have been to similar things in the past. I'd like to say it was entertaining, but it wasn't. It was however quite interesting.

I like to watch people and this provided me with that opportunity. The other people who were there were actually more entertaining than the speaker. Which doesn't say to much for the speaker. I am sure he did his best, but he reminded me more of a drill Sargent than a person trying to sell his wares. But all in all, it could have been worse.

I was with my most special man, and between the two of us I think we would have rather been curled up watching a movie. But every time I see a speaker such as this, I think that I should be speaking. Maybe a motivational speaker or something. I find it quite easy since I got over my fear of people, and thats been quite awhile ago. I like to help others grow and change. Thats what this blog is all about. Let grow and change.

I must say I was amazed how many people seemed to buy into the whole line he was selling though. Maybe it's because I spent so many years as a sales person. You know the saying, 'You can't con a con', that's how I felt tonight. It's part of the sales pitch. But I truly believe that if you want to sell something most people can tell if you are being genuine.

It may be a oxymoron but I was an honest salesman. That's the way it should be, but you just don't find it in the world anymore. Oh well eh?

The Encircling Darkness

2008-10-05T00:06:00.001-07:00

Well it's midnight, and I love sitting in the dark and quietness. There is a peace to the darkness that, as a child I could not have accepted. Even more, it would have frightened me. Today, it brings me solitude. It's like being enveloped in the hands of the universe, and I love it.

When I was a child you could not have convinced me for nothing that the darkness, along with many other things, was a positive event. Darkness, like so many other things, often hide mysteries. That is how my live has always been. So many things happening that I could not, and do not, understand. Forever trying to understand things, analyze things. This is very difficult to understand when you are actually in the darkness and not standing outside of it.

In 1989 I met the most truly amazing man ever. I did not expect it. Roy, my husband (who passed away 6 years after our first meeting) was the most remarkable person ever. I found in amazing that this man could love me. With some most dreadful personal and character defects ever. We knew we loved each other from the first moment. Yet I waited, day after day, for him to say to me he couldn't do it. That it was fun, but thanks a lot. But that is not what happened.

See, my faults were not what I thought they were. He saw that, he loved me just the way I was, defects and all. He taught me over time how I was actually lovable. Which I never thought I was, ever. At first this incredible guy just let me be. Then he actually encouraged me to be me. That was odd. I was going to his absolutely loving man and his families, gatherings. I kept waiting for fights to break out, after all that was what I was brought up in, but it never happened.

This continued for quite some time. When you have been brought up in a hectic lifestyle you begin to think everyone lives like that. But they don't, some people live very loving life styles. How does a person deal with happiness when they don't know what it really is? Taking risks that's how. I took the risk to find out. Sure it's scary, down right frightful at times. But part of the risk was worth it, the sad part was he died just years later, after he taught me so very much.

I think it all had a very important purpose. I think I was taught this to share with others that under estimate themselves. People who think they don't deserve true goodness. People who think they have to have chaos in their lives to feel ok. Those who feel they still need to punish themselves for something. But the truth is that all of us deserve to be loved, but we don't accept it. Many people,( I did this), push it away.

I am a normal person, who deserves to be loved. You deserve love too.... There is not a special person that deserves love, we all should be loved, and loving. Man has confused love, with their wants. I don't want a whole lot... well that's not true, I want lots of 'things'. But my serenity is not dependent upon getting any of it. My serenity is dependent on my acceptance of living life on it's terms.

So I am going to sit in the darkness, and accept what comes my way. And whatever comes I will enjoy it, and deal with it, and be ok. No Matter What.. I may not like it at first... but hey no one ever promised me a rose garden.

No Matter What

2008-10-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

So what does 'No Matter What' really mean?? I love you no matter what... hmm... well I know what it means to me. Whether a relationship works or not, I am still going to love you. I may not be able to live with you, but I will still love you.

My very special man, Bruce is his name, and I agree on this belief. You always love those you loved. But that doesn't mean that you are willing to live in an insufferable situation because of that. Love doesn't include martyrdom inside of a couples relationship. If I love you I want you to be happy. I want to be happy too. No matter what, means to me, that you can be you, always. In fact, the you that you are is who I was attracted to in the first place isn't it? Oh I may not know all your in's and out's but love doesn't mean that we have to like everything about each other. No matter what is just that... Come what may I am by your side.

When my husband Roy was sick with Leukemia I was next to him all the way. I was surprised how many people said they couldn't have done what I did. But I don't see how a mate couldn't be next to the one they love to their last breath. I have already informed Bruce, I am here, come what may. He is the nicest guy... He is spoiling me with affection and we are just getting started, and I am doing the best I can as well.

The other thing that is great is that we can, and have, talk about anything and everything. I am not afraid to speak to him. I am just gonna be me, I don't want to be anything else. Everything about him is impressing me to no end. Oh hey I am not stupid, I know we all have faults and shortcomings. In fact I probably have more than my share, but I don't feel that when his should surface that I will want to try to change him or them. I just want to accept him the way he is, let him live his life, just like I want to live mine.

The nice thing is, I have a very special man to share my life with now. I honestly didn't think it would be arriving again in my life. So this is very exciting to me. He is handsome, intelligent, talkative, spiritual, and incredibly sexy... that always helps... Having an open mind and willing to chat is what growth is about, and that dear friends is what my life is about. Growth and change, and if anything will excel that, it is an intimate relationship. Today is a good day, and I will love you all... No Matter What...

Every Day A New Beginning...

2008-10-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

Well life never ceases to amaze me. I've not been well lately and having been doing what I can to move forward. I had all but consigned myself to believing that, other than my sons, this journey called my life would be just me on my own. I had quit thinking that anyone else would come along that I could enjoy or would enjoy life together with me.

Oh it's not cause I don't think I am worthy, not that at all. I have just had too many experiences with relationships that didn't work, due to lack of successful communications. So when I least expected, and I really, really wasn't looking, wham... Here this amazingly wonderful man shows up. Of course I was highly skeptical, really not believing that this could be a functional man. But because I am open minded, and willing to listen, I did just that.

By all appearances and conversations he seems to be just that. Though I haven't known him long, the screaming mi mi that I have in me isn't hollering RUN RUN.. not at all. That in itself is a surprise to me. But entering a relationship after years and years of not having one leaves me with a lot to question and learn. Not about him, but about life and myself.

I have discovered that the word Love is just that. It is a word that labels a feeling that I am having that no other word fits to. And there is a difference between loving someone and being in love. I do love him, and he has said the same to me. Even though he has tried to hold it back.

Growing Up

2008-09-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last 25 or so years doing some serious changing and growing up. In reality, I think that the first 25 years of my life were all physical growth and development. The following 25 years were all emotional and spiritual development.

Sometimes I allow it to pain me when I see someone stuck or living in a pattern that I outgrew. Meaning that I discovered it was a pattern that was stunting my growth or hurting me in someway. Sometimes we can't see we are hurting ourselves and others because we are doing what 'the world' says is right. But what is right?? Who is the judge of that??

When my sons were quite little I gave them to their father (it's a very long story). Everyone thought this was wrong, even I did, but I didn't know what else in the situation. He had them for a couple of years, and the experience is not on I would wish on anybody. It was the very worse pain I had ever been though. I just had to have faith that when the time was right that they would come back into my life. They did, three years later.

Looking at this now I wouldn't change it, because they came out to be the most amazing people in the world. I often don't give myself credit for the goodness that they have. I think I still put myself down for it. But in reality, I did a good job considering everything. But somewhere, someplace, sometime, I didn't give them to their Dad, I wonder how the boys turned out in their parallel world. I wonder if I survived myself.

The point is that had I not taken that chance I would not be who I am today. I would not have ever probably discovered I was lovable just the way I am. Sometimes doing the 'right' thing blocks us for major growth. Growth that will lead us to be the best we can be, all we can be. It is the 'I' in my life, and the 'you' in your life that stops us from being happy, not a single thing else.

Wow...

2008-08-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

Well back again,finally,again. I suppose I am slacking in a lot of areas other than just this blog. But I have been busy doing stuff. Then again I have been doing nothing. If that doesn't make sense it doesn't surprise me.

I have been working on learning Photoshop and all it's in's and outs. I am posting my first couple pieces of digital art here, so I can forever remember where I started. The thing that scares me about digital art is the fact that if the world every loses its electric, well then, the art is all gone.

The top two are cg and the bottom two are from a page in the coloring book I designed. Both, or all, of the examples show what different mediums can do. The bottom two being done in color pencil and the other in graphite and charcoal. I enjoy doing art in whatever medium I use. The new thing, the CG is strange. I spent about 10 hours working on it and ended up with hand cramps.

Just lil ole me...

2008-07-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

Hey... what can I say.. I am working my way back into normality, what ever that is... heck I don't know... just floating around my space in the universe like everyone else.. waiting for something to change... waiting for the energy to change something.

So my ever so wonderful sons are still wonderful. I have spent quite a bit of my time on my favorite website. Well, just about all my time has been there, except sleeping time. I am sure I would spend my sleeping time there if I could figure out how to do it. Mostly just living at a slow pace, right now.

Oh, I did go on a date, first one in about five years. I had fun, but the other over did his drinking a bit and I took him home in a cab. I think he is feeling quite humilated, cause I haven't heard from him. But then I am not in a rush to hear from him either. He definitely has some serious problems, to many to list here.

Having alcohol problems is not a good way to make a first impression. In fact its not a good way to make any impression, unless you want to make a bad impression. I have seen so many people hurt, and die from alcohol. The thing is I can't think of a dang thing drinking alcohol is good for. If you want to relax, breathe.

Oh and one last thing... my hair is back to its normal color... as seen in todays Gypsy post...

Keeping Secrets

2008-07-06T16:23:00.001-07:00

Wow, have I ever been slow about blogging this week eh? I've go so many sites that I visit that I don't have time to process it all.

Lets see this week I learned that Google keeps a copy of everything we search for, and a copy of our e-mails, FOREVER, and they have been doing that since they first started. I also learned that they are keeping a copy of all You Tube videos. Well if you did have any secrets, you won't anymore. This planet is getting smaller and smaller with the more knowledge we all have.

Maybe its a good idea. I never was one that thought secret making was a good idea. Having a secret implies someone is lying about something, they have something to hide, and some people might. But think about that with honestly, why would someone hide something from another? Mostly out of fear, or a need to control another. To me that just isn't good.

I don't think that I have any secrets anymore. Everyone knows just about everything about me. Oh, maybe not everyone knows all about me, but a couple of people do, they are probably in hiding, out of fear I will find them... lol... only kidding...

Oh and all the strange art work here... I did it, its some of my art... and there will be more to come in the future...

Not Good Entertainment

2008-06-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today upon opening up explorer to my homepage on the Internet I found some, well I think, quite silly and boring things. So many people get wrapped up in what is going on in Hollywood with the stars. I am not sure why such a big deal is made out of what they are doing in their lives. Do we really care, or are we so challenged to find things to talk about.

I am giving you some examples:

Brad and Angelina are LEASING and $51.3 million dollar home to raise their kids in. Isn't this nice, meanwhile thousands of other people, raising the same amount of kids, are living in two bedroom apartments. I don't know what to think about this, but I really don't care either. I think it is a statement of greed. Oh, and leasing?? For $51.3 million dollars I could buy 50 homes with property to raise the kids of 50 people.

OK, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen's have seen fit to put their kids in therapy for the break up of their marriage. Hm mm... One has to think on this. On the outside this looks good, but the kids are 2 and 3. Maybe their parents should learn how to communicate effectively.

Britney Spears... need I say more. She has been slam dunked by the press more that any basketball ever has.

The point being is this, who cares??? Why is this garbage made public? Are we in that desperate of a need for entertainment? Everything ends up in the news, and most of it doesn't matter. Why do we attack people we don't even know? Sure I am guilty too, but when it comes down to it, is it fair that any of us promote this behavior? But I believe it's all about the money... the money the reporter makes... the photographer... the newspapers... etc...

How would you react if someone was bothering you like this? What would you do if every move you made ended up in the media? Not to mention if you had a disease of some kind and you were made out to be a bad guy in the mess. Any way entertainment at the cost of others is not a good thing no matter how you look at it.

Peace and Quiet

2008-06-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

Today was a quite and peaceful day, but for me it all seemed hectic. Only because I had to go out of my home and into the world. I am not especially pleased with the world right now. Not that it is really causing me any difficulties directly. Just that, well I don't know how to explain it.

I have been finding much enjoyment in being at home, by myself. Occasionally I have visitors, but not often. I only have them over when I want them over. No one just drops by, probably cause at one point and time I was never home. I was always out and running around. But the older I have got, the more quiet I want. So being at home gives me that opportunity. I don't even have cable, can you imagine that?

My greatest enjoyment comes from visiting and talking with my sons. I don't know a lot of people who would say that either. I am not the typical mother, it's more like I am friends with my sons than a mother. I don't slip into the mother thing when we are around each other either. It's strange I know, but it makes for good conversation with them. There is nothing, NOTHING, that we all don't talk about, the bad and the good.

So what does one do when all they have is free time? Well first of all not many can make that claim. I am an artist and I am currently working on a new piece, which is good. I haven't painted anything in months, which is not good for me. It generally means that my mental state is in the dull drums. So the fact that I have started a new painting is a good sign.

I am sure you all have been there, it's like writers block almost. So life is good right now, and I accept that in my life.

Remember when...

2008-06-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking all day about what I would write about in my blog. After seaching the internet for hours I decided what I would write about.

On December 20, 1995, my life changed forever. It was the day my husband, Roy Alexander Neff died. It was as unexpected as it was expected. Which would take me pages and pages to tell the whole story. I can say this that his life and death changed me forever. Roy was accepting, loving and the kindest person had ever met in my life, and I can say that is true to this very day. We had a wonderful relationship and he continues to live within me every day.
Painting of my husband, below...

My sons, Andrew (soon to be 25), and David (soon to be 24) were blessings sent to me in my life and Roy loved them like they were his own (he was their step father). In fact I don't think they could have asked for a better father. Roy made us smile and laugh. He taught me that I was a worthwhile person, and he accepted me just the way I was. I loved him, and that will never change. His picture still hangs in my living room.
Picture of Andrew below..

Davids photo below...

Andrew and David have been instrumental in keeping me moving forward in life. And I am sure it was very hard for them at times being brought up by a wild and crazy mom they always showed their love for me. I always felt they loved me and still do. I have always did my best to show them that I love them as well. Now that they are full grown adults, I not only love them, but respect them as well. They are truely fine young men.
David doing a drawing video below... he is an excellent artist.

I was watching footage on youtube of Princess Diana, Prince William and Prince Harry. These three have always touched my heart in a special way. The princes were born at the same time as my sons. Prince Harry the day after my youngest David. So when Princess Diana died, only a year and a half after my husband it hit me very hard. The boys would go on without her.

When watching the memorial for Princess Diana (I just saw it today), both her sons spoke. I could hear the sadness and lonlyness that they still feel. It touched me deeply, as a mother. I came to this conclusion about my life from this. That when my time comes for me to depart this world I can only hope that my sons love me as much as Princess Diana's loved her. I know I never met the woman, or her sons but I do miss her smile, and I am sure her sons do too.

Life is the Movies, Without Popcorn

2008-06-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

I missed posting anything yesterday, and I'd like to say I was busy, but I wasn't. I was resting and visiting with my oldest son (he came for a visit). It is always a pleasure for me when my sons come to visit me. The are so smart and wise way beyond their years. I wonder where they got it from... lol...

I watched a couple really strange movies yesterday. Strange in a not very good way. One was a Asian movie called "The Suicide Circle". Upon asking me why I would watch such a thing I would have to say curiosity got the best of me. The story itself was an interesting one. The making of the movie could have been better though. It was very strange indeed, not something I would watch twice, in fact I wouldn't have watched it once if I had know how bad it was really gonna be. I have included a clip of it that I found on youtube. I must warn you though it is really stupid and it's no wonder teens do dumb things if they watch movies like this.

I am a movie buff and enjoy the entertainment. I have a low tolerance for bad acting or weak story-lines. I am not into horror because usually it is pretty lame. I can't remember the last time I watched a movie that really frightened me, which is good. I guess once you start studying special effects and such, movies loose some of the drama. So it has to have a good storyline or I get distracted easily.

Life is like a movie. We all have our parts to play. We can change what part we want to play at any time. I myself have changed my part hundreds of times. Each part sends me into a new chapter of my life. But as I have aged I have found that playing the part in a drama is not for me. My life is more of a comedy/character study type movie now. The good thing about this realization is that now I can watch the movie you are playing in.

I have found that looking at life like this has helped me a great deal. Especially when it comes to anger. I don't have to carry stuff around from scene to scene. Once the scene is over it's over and replaying it only reminds me how badly I played my part. You know how it works, you scream, you cry, you pout... who wrote this into your play? Well honestly you did, and I did it in my life too. I am not saying it will never happen again, it's just I no longer want to play a part like that anymore.

"All the worlds a stage..." -- Shakespeare

Positive Words to Each Other

2008-06-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking how many verbal expressions we say that we don't even think about. Just off handed remarks that so many of then aren't even relative, or logical, or smart. Some of it is slang, and some of it is things we have been programmed to say. "Buzz off", "Bite Me", "Your breaking my back", "Go away", just to mention a couple so you know what I am talking about.

If I had know what I know now in life I would never had said anything about anything when it comes to breaking backs. I actually ended up with a broken back!! I honestly believe that what we say often will create itself in our lives. I have said one two many times, "Won't they just leave me alone", or "I need some alone time", and here I am alone, except for my computer. It's a good thing I like my alone time, there is no place like home.

I brought this up cause I see so many people living in negative situations. They are often created because verbally we put it out to the universe. The universe hears us and responds. You don't see to many people saying positive expression with as much energy that we put into the negative. It is more often said, "Everyone hates me" than "Everyone loves me".

We need to confirm and affirm the positive in our lives. Edify those around us. Create the world peace we so desperately proclaim that we want. If you can't quit fighting with friends and family, then how the heck are we gonna get the whole world to agree to not fight. We have to start somewhere and it might as well be in our homes. Which makes me ask, and have been for some time, "If peace is what we want then why are we fighting -- it...".

Will write more later...

Another Late Night Of Thoughts

2008-06-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

Well here I am again...

Welcome to all who have come to visit. Today had been an interesting day for me. Not that anything unusual has happened, but because all of my days are unusual. I think that has something to do with me being me. I cannot imagine a boring day, not anymore anyways. I have to much to do in my life and do not have the time to waste anymore.

So on with the program. I talked to a lot of people today and I have covered everything from Hitler to re-incarnation. I also spoke about relationships to several people today. I have always found that relationships are a great way to grow albeit sometimes painful. I have learned more about me by being in them and some of it has been good and some not.

I believe I had to have them in my life, each and every one of them. I had one truly exceptional relationship, but unfortunately for me he passed away. But I still would not trade that for anything, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was a healthy relationship, probably the only one I have ever had. But the best thing that I got from it was the ability to tell what is healthy and what is not. This has made a grand difference in my life.

One of the key elements that made it work was the fact that we communicated to each other. We had disagreements but we were always willing to let the other keep their opinions. Because of that agreement we could each be ourselves and there were no power struggles. It was great. Communications is a key factor in a healthy relationship, in fact I believe it is THE key factor.

The other factor that made it work was that we both wanted it to work. If only one person works at it then it will never happen. It can be very hard for some, especially if the other partner is intent on making you believe its all YOUR fault. It takes two to make it work, it takes two to make it fall apart. Oh I hear you from here... I am not naive. This leads into topics like adultery, spousal abuse and many other things.

I am not discussing right now the failing relationship, I am speaking of the successful relationship. It's like making a baby. If you are out in the woods all alone I just do not believe you can make a baby. There are moments in life that help is needed and being in a healthy relationship is one of them. Work it out, you can do it, do what it takes. And whatever happens being a martyr does not help. People pleasing kills people and is not necessary. Stand up for yourself either way.

Remember you are in charge of your life and happiness...
Something funny for you...

Late Night

2008-06-17T02:25:00.000-07:00

Well it's about 2:30 in the morning. I have spent several hours working on the blog and looking through you-tube video's. I am not really tired but I know I have to go to sleep soon, you know how it is. Incurable awakeness... and my mind is going and I don't want to go to sleep. I have so much I WANT to do and so little time to do it in, after all what if it's the only life I get to live?

Oh well what is a person to do? I emphasized the word WANT for a reason, and that is the fact that we all want many things. Most of us don't get what we think we want, but get what we need. Some people don't seem to get what they need either. I changed a lot of my verbology (is verbology a word even?? LOL)so I do my best to say I prefer instead of I want. I know it seems to make no difference on the surface, but in my mind it makes a difference. And there is always the chance we may get what we want, and then we may not want it.

See if I say "I want a new car" that is one thing. I can want forever and not receive a thing. But if I change that to a preference then is seems less needy at least in my mind. So I have a lot of things I would prefer in my life.
One of the main things I prefer in my life is food.

On the onset this probably seems like an inane thing for me to say, but it's not. See one of the things I was watching on you-tube was the poverty in North America. I don't believe we realize the severity of the situation. This is a highly debatable subject, I am aware of that. So before I go any further I want to write out this disclaimer on anything I say from this point out.

I see everything from both sides. Good and bad, black and white. Even though I may seem very opinionated and judgemental at times I am not. So before anyone jumps on me, I just want you to know given time you will see that I express both sides to every coin. That no one wins and no one loses. Both sides may not be in the same post, but they will all surface somewhere. .

When watching the following videos I find it somewhat disheartening. Only because the children have no real choice in the whole thing. It's easy to say it's the parents fault, but that doesn't stop the children from being hungry. I want to help and I can in many small ways. As I was watching it I couldn't help thinking that while one of these children would probably do just about anything for a meal, that many of us are out buying another purse, or makeup, or video, or, or ,or, whatever. I feel like a very selfish person, it's not guilt, don't get me wrong. It's more of the feeling of community responsibility.

So included in this post is a couple videos that touched me. I think it helps us to get in touch with a very important aspect of ourselves. The core in us that lets us know we are all human. I believe, and I have for a long time, that we do not help our own enough. People drive right by people that are hungry, and we have become so desensitized by the media that I think we record it in our minds as a scene from a movie. It all seems very unreal.

The poverty in North America is real, especially to those who are living in it. Strangely it is these people who have the least, that seem to want to help each other the most. The poor in this country seem to have an abundance of hope that it will get better. I think that there is a lot to learn. With the economy in the situation it is in, well it's not going to get any better for them soon.

So having said all that, there are many ways we can help. Some have money, others may have oranges they can donate to a food bank. Maybe an extra fan someone can give to someone for the summer, or an extra coat or blanket for the winter. You know it doesn't have to be someone that lives on the street. It could be a neighbor, or you could give it to a church that could pass it on. Whatever it is think about doing it now, cause there is no time like the present.

I have so much to write about... I do hope I have enough life to get it all in...

A Sunny Day

2008-06-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sunshine outside is nice, and today it is sun-shining here. Just as important is sunshine inside of my heart, mind, and soul. We all have our down moments but what we do with those moments is important. As an individual it is important for me to take responsibility for my actions, but also for my thoughts.

Global consciousness says that we are to act in a certain way. When most things end we are suppose to be mad, angry, or some other negative emotion. This is to no one persons fault, it comes after a lifetime of conditioning from many sources. This conditioning shows up in every aspect of our lives. To change these behaviors and ways of thinking take a lot of courage, especially if you have never spoken up. The world tends to discourage independence while at the same time telling you that you to be independent.

Part of what I see in the world, and what I have experienced in my own life, is what they are now (in 2008) terming as"Dumbing Down". You will see me use this term a lot in my blog. I cannot generalize this term, it is to complex, but it has a lot to do with letting other people control our lives. I realized that the ultimate dumbing down of me was to let others run my life and as long as I let myself get upset, in any way, by any one, "They" had control.

The same works for happiness. No one can make me happy except me. Oh, I may be happier if I am with you, and I may be happier if situations improve, but it is my mind that the choice is made. When I laugh it is because I am entertained,that is why I can be happy watching a comedian, or when my sons do something silly. Some people search for happiness in the strangest places.

Have you ever had the uncontrollable urge to laugh when you weren't suppose to??? I have and it can be quite a disaster. You are not suppose to laugh in some situations, but everyone has their moments. Which was a horrible moment for the fellow in the video below.

Many people don't want the responsibility for the situations they are in. It always seems easier to blame someone else. I did this for a long time. In fact just a few years ago I quit referring to my childhood because I realized that by continually bringing it up I was blocking myself from going forward. I do want to be the beast me I can.

Now at first hand this may seem silly, but it's not. When trying to change people get upset, and I don't mean the person that is changing. It is the world around them. People will try to guilt you, or put fear in you to stop you from changing. They are use to you the way you are. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people in my life that accused me of stupidity, selfishness, insanity, all because I wanted a better life. People directly attacked me. Now that I speak up for myself it doesn't happen. Behaviors speak volumes and the people in my life now know that they can't get away with it.

The core of me now stems from me, not how anyone wants me to be. As a result I am stronger. It has taken a lot of work. I have learned to laugh at myself, because honestly some things are just worth laughing at. This again I had to learn. I use to get upset when someone would do something that I thought was a insult, and it may have well been, BUT what I chose to do with it. So what I have learned is everyone has their opinion and I don't have to get upset by that. It doesn't mean I have to like it but I can accept that now.

Do It Now

2008-06-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

Well "they" say there is no time like the present, so I am posting the first blog on my new site. I am looking forward to this because I like sharing with other people. I also enjoy learning about others and what they believe. This contributes to my personal growth. As painful as that may be sometimes I still enjoy it. Usually it all turns out for the best in one way or another.

Humor is a key element in growth and I believe that it is the more enjoyable way on the path I am taking. Sometimes I get much to serious, but thats ok as long as I don't stay there forever. Feel free to share with me your insites and places you have been in life, because I will be sharing with you. I may not always agree with people but I am willing to listen and explore new ideas and thoughts. I am not always right, people make mistakes and last time I checked I was one of those people.

I feel that by doing this blog that I am making a giant leap in the growth of my esteem and worth and that it will be very worthwhile to me. Sharing what I have learned and how life is changing day to day gives me the opportunity to progress even further. The topics will be varied, change, responibility, emotional issues etc... I will do my best to keep it varied so no one gets bored.

With that said I hope everyone that reads this has the best possible day they can...