The Wick

Persuasion, Phil Robertson, and Leading Change

2014-01-03T11:14:00.001-05:00

By now, we have all been bombarded with media reports and personal opinions on the Phil Robertson "thing", and this post isn't meant to, in any way, address the man or his views. After all, The Wick isn't about politics or religion. It's about leadership and personal excellence. But I feel there is a "Wick Style" lesson in the events of the past few weeks as they relate to those of us tasked with leading change.

You see, true, positive and lasting change can never be achieved through criticism, command or negativity. Let me say that again.

True, positive, and lasting change can NEVER be achieved through criticism, command or negativity.

Think about it. What motivates you? Is it the threat of punishment or the promise of reward? When we tell others how bad they are, how ineffective they are, or how disappointing they are, nine times out of ten they begin by becoming angry and finish by tuning us out completely. In fact, the only people who are typically inspired by a negative rant are those that agreed with you to begin with. And that’s not called leadership. That’s called preaching to the choir.

Regardless of the change you are hoping to achieve in your home, organization or community, you must be prepared to present a vision to others that is inspiring. People must believe that where you are asking them to go is a better and more satisfying place than where they are now. In short, you must persuade in order to lead. In the words of the late Nelson Mandela, “Don’t raise your voice; improve your argument”.

Are you leading a positive, persuasive, and inspiring campaign for change?

The Secret of Life

2012-02-06T13:18:00.000-05:00

Life has a way of surprising us.

Toward the end of 2011, I went to the doctor for a minor health complaint. When the problem didn’t clear up after a few weeks of treatment, the doctor recommended further testing, including a CT scan. The day following the test, my doctor phoned to tell me that the scan had revealed a "shadow" on my liver. Further testing confirmed that it was a tumor. It has subsequently been determined to be (thankfully) benign, but I will be followed for changes over the next several months. Assuming the tumor does not grow larger and impact other organs, the prognosis is excellent. I am grateful. I like being alive.

But this experience, combined with others in 2011, caused me to decide to make some changes in my life. I decided to take singer/songwriter James Taylor's advice and pursue the "Secret O' Life"; enjoying the passage of time. (If you don’t know this song, take some time to check it out on YouTube, or read the lyrics here. The wisdom is profound.)

I retired from corporate life after nearly thirty years of contribution "to the cause". I got a puppy. I took up painting again. I signed up to audit courses in philosophy, physiology and, best of all, wine appreciation. In other words, I have begun to fill my life with things that contribute to my enjoyment of the passing of time.

And time is passing. A surprise diagnosis reminded me that life is so very, very short. Even if we live one hundred years, there is so little time left and life is so full of things to learn and do and enjoy…

Many of you may have made resolutions for the year 2012. Are they things that will contribute to your enjoyment of the passing of time? If you knew your time was short, would you make different choices? Would you rearrange your priorities? Would you stop sweating "the small stuff" (i.e., who said what, what others think of you, how you look, etc.)?

My sincere thanks to each of those of you who took the time to ask if I was okay and to let me know how much this blog means to you. I am thankful to have the opportunity to continue to share my thoughts on life with each of you through The Wick. Doing so contributes to my enjoyment of life.

I hope reading it adds enjoyment to yours.

What We Leave in Our Wake

2011-11-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

A year or so ago, I read a great book by Dr. Henry Cloud, entitled “Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality”. While it is a book primarily written for a business audience, it is a great resource for anyone seeking to enhance their interpersonal skills through character development.

In the book, the author uses the movements of a ship at sea to help us visualize the ramifications of our actions. You see, no ship can move forward without leaving a wake. And the wake tells you a lot about the direction of the ship. If the wake is steady and straight and smooth, you can assume that the ship is progressing in a straight line and is on its plotted course. But a ship that leaves a turbulent and unpredictable wake is most likely a ship that has lost its way and is making hasty, poorly thought out, and potentially dangerous moves. Anything or anyone that is following close behind may find themselves overtaken, swamped, or drowned. According to Dr. Cloud, “The wake doesn’t lie and it doesn’t care about excuses. It is what it is.” Watch the wake and you’ll see your course reflected. So the question becomes, what does our wake look like?

If we were to take a soul-searching look at what we are leaving in our wake each day, as we move through our work and personal relationships, what would we find?

Would others say that our movement through their lives has left them better off, or have they suffered loss for having been associated with us?
Has our wake been steady and true, or have we left others reeling, confused and floundering?

Do others feel uplifted and encouraged by us, or do they feel disappointed and let down?
Are we inspiring others to “shoot for the moon” or to hide in a bunker?

Do people seek out our company or do they try to avoid us?

Unfortunately, it is relatively easy to deceive ourselves about the nature of our influence. It is almost impossible, however, to deceive those caught up in our disruptive wake. If people tend to tell us that we are difficult, disruptive, insensitive, negative, untrustworthy, disappointing, hurtful and critical, then we probably are. If people tend to avoid us altogether, they are telling us the same thing through their behavior. And if you just had the thought “Well, they just don’t get me…” then you are proving my point.

Knowing where we are headed in life has great value, but not to the exclusion of what we are leaving in our wake along the way. The end very seldom justifies the means. And, it is worth remembering that at some point each of us will cease to have a future and will only have a legacy (and I’m not talking about those things that are bequeathed in our wills).

Every day, we each “part the waters” and forge ahead, and the laws of physics say that we cannot help but leave a wake. So the question is not if we are impacting those close to us, but how we are impacting those close to us.

I pose this question to each of you today: If we spent a little more time looking back over the stern of the ship rather than acting like “the king of the world” (to quote Leonardo di Caprio in Titanic) up at the bow, would those around us be better off for our having done so? I think they would. Because I think most of us want to be better. We want to be a positive influence on those around us. But we can’t correct what we can’t see.

Take some time today and check your wake.

Something for Nothing

2011-11-02T12:54:00.002-04:00

What would our lives be like if we only got what we deserved?

I began to ponder this question after a recent visit to Starbucks. A few days ago, I swung into the Starbucks drive-through lane to get a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappucino (these are amazingly delicious). I placed my order and pulled around to the pick- up window. Standing there was one of the most frazzled women I have seen in quite some time. Her headset sat weirdly positioned atop something that looked like a giant hair-alarm going off. Her apron was spotted with milk and dark spots that I am hoping were coffee grounds. Her eyes were a bit glazed over and appeared to be going in two different directions at once. I was taken aback (and a bit frightened).

It appeared that she was attempting to take orders at both the drive-up window and at the indoor counter, collect payment, make the coffee herself, and then rush back to the counter or drive-up window to serve it to the customer; all pretty much single-handed. I think she may have been having a nervous breakdown.

She distractedly told me that my coffee would be ready “in just a second”. So I waited. And waited. The line of cars began to stretch out behind me. Eventually, she reappeared at the window and apologetically told me that only she and one other employee were working – everyone else had gone to lunch. She apologized for the delay and disappeared back around the corner. So, I waited some more. Finally, she returned with a cup of coffee and, apologizing again, handed it out through the window. I thanked her and attempted to hand her a tip.

You would’ve thought that I’d attempted to hand her a cobra.

She jerked her hand back, and yelped “Oh no! I didn’t earn that! Geez, you’ve been out here, like, forever!”

I told her to take it anyway and to consider it a "gift". She looked stunned. Then grateful. Then a little bit more sane.

Now, don’t misunderstand: it wasn’t a huge tip. It was a dollar. And I was disappointed in the service. But times are tough and money is hard to come by, and minimum wage jobs alone won’t pay the rent. Tips matter. I suspect she was doing the best she could, given the circumstances. But as I drove away, I couldn’t get her words and reaction out of my head: “I didn’t earn that…”

I am extraordinarily grateful for the fact that I don’t get only what I deserve. Actually, I am grateful for more than that. I am grateful that I don’t always get what I deserve.

Sometimes, I act badly, but people choose to be nice to me anyway. Sometimes I deserve to be punished or scolded, but instead I am forgiven. Sometimes people do nice things for me, based simply on the fact that they care about me, not because they feel they owe me anything. And sometimes people who don’t know me, at all, do nice things for me (they let me go in front of them at the checkout counter or they hold the door open for me when my hands are full), and I have never, ever seen them before in my life, and will probably never see them again. Their kindness isn’t based upon my behavior or their relationship with me, or the fact that I may return the favor someday; it is based upon the quality of their character. Multiple times each day, I receive things I didn’t earn and kindnesses I may not deserve. As do we all.

When we give things to others because they have earned them, they are not gifts. They are payments for services rendered. When we give thing to others, and we expect to receive something in return, we aren’t giving a gift. We are beginning a commercial transaction.

A gift – in its truest form – is giving someone something (things, or kindness, or tolerance, or love) for nothing. They have not earned what you are offering. It is graciousness extended in the absence of worth. It is receiving a tip when the service you provided was disappointing. It is being spotted by the police when you are driving faster than the speed limit, and not receiving a ticket. It is walking away unharmed when you have engaged in a fit of temper. It is being kissed goodnight by a child who never got the chance to sit on your lap today because you were so “busy”.

The Thanksgiving season is now upon us. We will talk about Pilgrims and Indians. We will eat turkey and pumpkin pie. We will receive and send cards that talk about our blessings. And most of us are very blessed indeed. But I wonder if we will take the time this year to contemplate the fact that we continually receive gifts that we are unaware of, ones that we cannot even begin to give thanks for by name, and of which we are undeserving? Or, of just how many times we are mercifully spared from receiving what we truly deserve?

At times, we all receive more than we’ve earned and less than we deserve. I am so grateful for that. I hope you are too.

How Much Respect Can You Afford to Lose?

2011-10-26T12:13:00.001-04:00

As I write this, Netflix is attempting to climb out of one of the most predictable business failures ever. Apparently, the only people surprised by the dismal abyss Netflix has landed in are the executives at Netflix themselves. I, along with about 100,000 other people, warned them that raising their rates by 60% was ill-advised and wouldn’t be well received…but, apparently no one at Netflix can read email or the postings on their corporate Facebook page (perhaps if it isn’t released on video, they can’t comprehend it).

At this time in our nation’s history, when nearly 1 out of 10 Americans is unemployed, it’s a less-than-an-ideal time to raise the cost of anything. But the new Netflix pricing scheme seemed particularly shortsighted in light of the fact that Netflix isn’t in the entertainment business, it’s in the “mental escape” business. Netflix isn’t really in the business of renting videos and streaming content, it is in the business of selling a ninety minute break from an often harsh and demanding reality. The Netflix service was providing families with the opportunity to come together for a couple of hours on a Friday night, watch a movie, and temporarily forget that the world outside was not as economically forgiving as it was five years ago. But rather than make that “mental vacation” an option for even more people (aka, potential customers) Netflix chose to make it harder for the customers they already had. And, to compound the problem, they put people in a position to have to think about the very thing they wanted to stop thinking about in the first place. Money.

Is it any surprise that such a strategy would fail?

So what does all of this have to do with personal growth and the pursuit of excellence? Everything. Because the key to success, whether in business or in personal life, is to understand that everything is a two-way street. No one operates in a vacuum. Decisions have consequences, and no one will ever thank you for treating them in a cavalier way. All relationships, if they are to be effective, must be symbiotic.

Marriages that aren’t partnerships fail.

Bosses who manage through command and control will fail.

Parents that talk more than they listen will fail.

Companies that examine only the bottom line, and forget that people are behind their profits, will fail.

You see, until we are no longer in this world, we must deal with the people who populate it. Inconvenient? Sometimes. Avoidable? Only if you live alone in a cave in Nepal.“Other people” are the rails upon which our train of success must travel. Change or damage the rails and we change the direction of the train – or derail it completely.

I hope Netflix recovers; those little red envelopes make a lot of people happy. But, let’s make sure that their mistake isn’t our mistake. When we are tempted to make the next unilateral or self-serving decision, when we are tempted to deliver it as a “my way or the highway” ultimatum, it might serve us well to stop and ask ourselves:

“How much respect and goodwill can I afford to lose today?”

Choose Your Own Adventure

2011-10-19T10:09:00.000-04:00

Back when my daughter was a child, there used to be a popular series of books called “Choose Your Own Adventure”. In these books, you read part of the story, and then at a decisive moment in the plot line, that thread of the story would end abruptly and you could continue on only by choosing one of several action options; for example, if you were being chased by the abominable snowman you could 1) run away 2) hide behind the closest tree, or c) attack the monster and try to fight him off. Once you chose your action, you turned to the corresponding “action” page and took up the story again. Ultimately, the sum total of your choices led to a unique ending. Someone else could read the same book, but their choices would be different and would ultimately lead them to a completely different ending.

While these types of books were very cool, and were all the rage back in the 80’s, they were not a new concept. The same idea had been around for a long time but we called it something else. We called it “real life”: the ultimate “choose your own adventure” story.

Every day, each of us faces a multitude of decisions, large and small; of great import or nearly negligible. And it is the sum total of those decisions that constitute the life we have at right this very moment. We make a choice and then stuff happens. Sometimes it’s “good” stuff, and sometimes it’s “bad” stuff, but there is no denying that we are shaping our own reality one decision at a time. Most people don’t like to hear this. When good stuff happens, we are usually quick to take the credit. But when bad stuff happens, we see ourselves as victims of circumstance. And sometimes, we are. But even in the most unfortunate circumstances, we control the key plot element to the happy ending – our interpretation of our life’s events.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone say, “If I had it to do over again…”. Well, that’s the rub. You can’t do it over again. Your past is the thread from which your present is woven, and your “now” absolutely cannot be separated from your “then”. As the filmmakers of old would say, “it’s in the can”. You may as well try to un-ring a bell. So if you can’t revise the event, what can you do? Well, how about revising the interpretation.

Consider these two women.

Dana preferred her own company to that of other people. She had been an only child and spent the majority of her formative years playing alone. As she grew, she found socializing with others to be difficult, and often avoided gatherings where she was not closely acquainted with all of those in attendance. As a result, she had a very limited group of friends and often felt like an outsider. In addition, she had been plagued with serious illness throughout most of her life. She struggled to maintain attendance at school, often being medically “sidelined” for weeks – and sometimes months – at a time. When she married, her husband’s work obligations further complicated her unique set of problems by forcing the family to move frequently, and providing her with little in the way of a support structure or predictable lifestyle. Looking back, she sees a “perfect storm” of circumstances that predisposed her to leading an unfulfilled, frustrating and lonely life.

Lynn was also an only child. She was born to two hardworking parents who were devoted to their daughter. In spite of the fact that she lacked playmates, she never lacked for entertainment. Her imagination was vivid, and she could lose herself for hours in the adventures of Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys. She remembers her trips to the library with her mother as some of the happiest moments in her young life. She loved sitting in the company of adults, listening to their conversations and imagining all of the things she would see and do when she was old enough to be on her own. Adult life seemed so rich and exciting! She, like Dana, was not a healthy child. But she views her periods of “forced isolation” as those times when she learned and grew the most. And also like Dana, she traveled the world with her husband, learning that she could be her own best resource and that she could “hold her own” regardless of where, and in what circumstances, she found herself. Looking back, Lynn credits her unique life experiences with turning her into a strong, independent, compassionate and resourceful woman

So, whose life would you rather live – Dana’s or Lynn’s?

You may be surprised to learn that Dana and Lynn are the same person. They are both me, and both sets of facts are true. It is only the interpretation, the perspective of the storyteller, that is different. I intentionally choose to frame my life in terms of what I have gained, to see things from “Lynn’s” point of view, rather than to frame it by what it has lacked (Dana’s point of view). And you can frame your life story in the same way.

Clinical psychologists call this reframing of one’s life story as “narrative therapy”. It’s not about being unrealistic. It’s not about changing the past. It’s about viewing the past from a different perspective.

You see, we all “spin” our life story. There is no way that we can think of ourselves in terms of everything we have ever seen, done or experienced. We will all, by mental necessity, choose to select certain events and circumstances and frame our identity around them. And in that way, we are writing our own story each and every day.

You have had experiences. You have made choices. These are your plot elements, and they cannot be removed from your story. But they can be “reframed”.

So how will you choose to “write your own adventure”?

Lessons for the Real World

2011-10-11T12:23:00.001-04:00

I am taking a little "blogging break" this week, but still have some great reading for you from internationally recognized speaker and teacher Chris Widener. In his article, he writes about ten "life lessons" he wishes he had learned before he grew up and moved out into the "real world".

Once you read his article, I challenge you to sit down and spend a few minutes listing some things you wish you had known about life prior to your entrance in to the complicated world of being a grown up. Feel free to share some of them with the rest of us in the comments section.

Have a great week!

10 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Went Into the Real World

Intentional Disregard

2011-10-04T11:46:00.003-04:00

How do you spend your time? Is the busyness of life eating away your hours, leaving you with nothing but crumbs?

Until a few years ago, mine was. I got up each day, showered, drank coffee, dashed off to work, spent most of my daylight hours there, then dashed home, made dinner, did some laundry, cleaned something-or-another, paid some bills, brushed my teeth, fell into exhausted but troubled sleep, then got up and repeated the same process the next day. Whole weeks would slip by and I could not name even one thing that I did that I enjoyed. But even more troubling was that I had done nothing that would outlast me. None of my crazy busyness was doing anything to enrich my life or the lives of those I care about. I was just “putting out fires”. I would die wearing clean underwear and with no outstanding bills, but that was about it. Something had to give. Something was going to have to go undone so that I wouldn’t come undone. That’s when I sat down and decided what would get my attention, and what would have to wait. I developed a plan of Intentional Disregard.

I have intentionally chosen not to attend social functions that I am not interested in. No more school events, church socials, block parties, business cocktail parties or political rallies unless they hold great interest for me. I also have no enthusiasm for mopping floors, dusting bookshelves or scrubbing toilets, so I have arranged to have someone else do that for me. I don’t like to talk on the phone, so I don’t do it any more often or for any longer than I have to. When the phone rings at my house, it is as likely to get ignored as it is to get answered; people who know me also know enough to leave me a message. If I start a book and it doesn’t captivate me, I stop reading it, and I don’t watch movies whose topics don’t interest me, not matter how great the reviews are. I am intentionally disregarding things that have little intrinsic value to me. The space that they used to fill on my schedule has been replaced by chats with my husband over a glass of wine, reading books that interest me, writing about the things that matter most to me, and spending time with my friends and family.

I remember reading once about a survey taken of individuals over the age of ninety-five in which they were asked if they had their lives to live over again, what they would do differently. The three most commonly offered answers were these:

I would spend more time thinking and reflecting
I would be more willing to take risks
I would focus more on things that will outlive me

How many of these things are showing up on your “to-do” list today?

If you were to develop your own plan of Intentional Disregard, it would probably look very different than mine. The things that matter most to you, and the things that you can afford to disregard, are exclusive to you. No one else can, or should, define them for you. But I feel certain that there are things in your life that you could disregard today and be all the richer for having done so. You have enough heart and enough intelligence to know what those things are. So, why not spend a few minutes today developing your own plan of Intentional Disregard?

The Opiate of the Masses: It's Not What You Think

2011-09-27T10:09:00.001-04:00

The writer and philosopher Henry Wood once penned, “ Simply to live is a wonderful privilege in itself…but to what are you alive?”

Darn good question, Henry.

So, if I were to ask you what you were about…to describe your “aliveness”…could you do it? To what exactly, are you alive? Is your life a process of marking time, of tearing pages from your calendar, or is there something else? Some may call this an existentialist question, or even a metaphysical one, but I don’t see it that way at all. It's not about why we are here, but about what we are doing while we are here.

Let me explain. A couple of weeks ago, someone told me that he really enjoyed this blog, because it always made him think. And at that moment, something inside me expanded and I felt very, very alive (and humbled), because thinking is the privilege of the living.

Karl Marx is often quoted as having said “religion is the opiate of the masses”. I think he was wrong. Religion is not “the opiate of the masses”, routine is. Routine is what enables us to go about our lives while remaining numb to that which makes us human; namely, our ability to think, to feel, and to question.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that routine is necessary in order to maintain some semblance of order. Socks first, then shoes. Check the locks before going to bed. Change the oil every three thousand miles. But when we allow routine to dominate, when we allow our thinking to become marginalized, or worse yet, when we allow someone else’s thoughts to be traded for our own, we have sacrificed our “aliveness” for a cheap imitation.

When was the last time you thought about yourself? Not like you typically think about yourself: not about what you are going to get or what you want, or about how you look or how you feel, or about what you are going to do next…but about who you ARE. What you truly believe. About the kind of person you are compared to the kind of person you want to be.

If you only hear one thing that I ever say to you, let it be this: Open up to your life. Think more. Question your assumptions. Do something unexpected. Carve your own way. BE ALIVE UNTIL YOU’RE NOT!!

You will not always (and maybe even not often) agree with my view of things, but that’s okay. You don’t need to think I’m amazing - you just need to think. Because the thoughts you think, and the actions you ultimately choose because of them, are the essence of your “aliveness”.

I hope you have a great and amazing and thought-filled life. And in the short-term, a really satisfying week.

If You See Me Running

2011-09-21T10:56:00.000-04:00

I am not athletic. At all. I do not jog, skip, jump, scamper, or power-walk. I will never enter a marathon. I know there are (slightly deviant) people out there who enjoy that kind of thing, but I am not counted among them. It is contrary to my basic nature. So, if you see me running anywhere, please call the police. I am having an emergency. I am either being chased by a bear, a thug, or my hair is on fire. Seriously. It is a sign.

This basic concept, that people typically don’t act contrary to their nature, is critical to understanding and communicating with those around us. If in thirty years of marriage your husband has never once brought you flowers, then one day he does, it’s time to ask some questions. (Is he cheating? Is he dying? Is he worried that you are cheating or dying?). If your dog has never, ever, tried to bite someone, then he suddenly does, it’s time to take a trip to the vet. (Is it a brain tumor? Rabies? A really annoying neighbor child who has gotten on the dog’s last, gentle nerve?) If your daughter has never been shy, then she suddenly decides to stop spending time with her friends, you’re going to need to investigate. Something is amiss. (Is she being bullied? Is it adolescent hormones? Is she avoiding situations where she knows the potential for trouble exists?)

Life exerts an extraordinary amount of pressure on us, and sometimes, that pressure causes us to change directions; to act out of the ordinary in an attempt to protect ourselves and others. Sometimes people have to change just to survive. So, when you see a significant change in another person’s behavior, you can bet they are under some sort of pressure; whether internally or externally generated.

Intellectually, we know this. But we often behave as if we don’t. When someone exhibits a new and unexpected behavior, one of two things typically happens. We either work to stamp out the new (read:”bad”) behavior (parents, employers and others in positions of authority are especially prone to do this). Or, we ignore the behavior in the hopes that it is temporary and will resolve on its own. Unfortunately, both approaches are doomed to failure, because the behavior is a sign of something that goes far deeper than the behavior itself.

For example (true stories):

A friend of mine’s father had always been friendly and outgoing. Over time, however, he began to anger easily and refused to leave the house. His family was perplexed, but wrote it off to age and “moodiness”. Unfortunately, his new behaviors turned out to be symptoms of a much deeper problem; he had been suffering from repeated small strokes which affected the part of his brain responsible for mood and social behaviors. By the time this was discovered, however, the damage to that region of his brain was extensive and irreversible.

When I was a child, a friend of mine and I played together almost every day at the local playground. But, one day, she announced she’d rather just play at her own house (unusual behavior). She said the same thing the next day. And the day after that. After several days of refusing to go to the playground with me, I (being very bossy and persistent) told her that if she didn’t go with me, I wasn’t going to play with her at all anymore. She still refused to go. I assumed she didn’t want to play with me anymore. As it turned out, she was being molested in that same playground on a recurring basis by an older boy in our neighborhood. The signs were there, but no one noticed.

The young son of a family member was involved in a fight on the school playground. He appeared a little bruised and battered, but otherwise there were no obvious signs of serious injury. A few days later, his grandmother noticed him sitting just inches from the television (unusual behavior), and she told him not to sit so close. He complied. But a few days later, there he was again, sitting inches from the screen. Again he was scolded and again he moved. Eventually, he was taken to an eye doctor to see if he needed glasses. Sadly, it was much more serious than that. His eye had suffered serious damage in that schoolyard fight and he had now permanently lost the ability to see out of that eye. An earlier intervention may have saved his vision.

A former coworker, a typically upbeat man, began to grow quiet and despondent. While many people, including his employees, discussed his personality change when he was out of earshot, no one talked to him about it. They didn’t feel it was their business. They didn’t want to pry. He was smart, powerful, successful, and handsome – and he shot himself to death. We still don’t know why.

Employers, parents, spouses, friends – take note. A change in a person’s behavior reflects a change in their circumstances. Validate that person by paying attention to their life. Stop worrying about being thought of as nosy, and get involved. Metaphorically speaking, “call 911”. Or, as in my case, if you see me running, then literally call 911.

Because it’s a sign.

A Complainer's Update: The Sand in My Shoes

2011-09-13T09:55:00.000-04:00

As I suspected, trying to go without complaining has been difficult. The longest I have gone without airing a grievance of some sort has been three days. It’s certainly not twenty one days without complaining like Will Bowen advocates, but I think it is actually a significant improvement for me. As I said, I have a long history of complaining, so this may take some time.

As it turns out, I am being tripped up, not by the big things, but by the little things. Here are some of the complaints that have set me back:

“There is nothing good on the radio.”

“Why can’t restaurants add some gluten-free baked goods or pancakes to their menu?” (Yep – it turns out that I am still complaining about that).

“Why can’t I buy even one bottle of Spanish wine that doesn’t taste like Black Flag??” (The Italians would agree with me, but it’s still a fruitless grievance – no pun intended).

I once read an account of a man who had walked across America, from coast to coast. After his journey was complete, a reporter asked him what had been his toughest challenge along the way. His response was thought-provoking. He said that it wasn’t the “big” challenges that almost caused him to give up his quest. He met thunderstorms, muscle cramps, and fatigue with determination. Rather, the thing that almost defeated him was the daily “small” challenge of the sand in his shoes. Over and over again, the small, irritating grains of sand would make their way into his shoes and begin to chafe his feet. By the end of each day, his feet were sore and raw from the sand. After many days, the constant irritation was almost more than he could bear.

I think I know just what he means. You see, it’s not the rocks that we have to climb along our journey that threaten to derail us; it’s the sand in our shoes. Blessedly, most of us don’t have to deal with a new, catastrophic situation each and every day. We all encounter tragedy and intensely emotional challenges periodically throughout our lives, but for the most part, they crop up occasionally. We muster our courage and spirit, and we deal with them. We emerge on the other side with a few battle scars and tender places, but we are still standing.

But those small irritations, compounded daily, are the true enemies of our success and peace of mind. Like sand in our shoes, they accumulate and begin to chafe, until at some point, we look at ourselves and we are laid bare; raw, bleeding and going down for the count. No joy. No peace. No rest. We were prepared to slay a dragon but ended up being nibbled to death by a duck.

The man who walked across America offered some advice to anyone who wanted to follow in his footsteps: Wear thick socks and frequently shake the sand out of your shoes.

My efforts to stop complaining are part of my attempt to follow his wise advice. Focusing on the little annoyances in my life is like sprinkling sand in my shoes and then taking a walk in thin socks. It’s going to chafe. Why not focus on what is good (the equivalent of wearing thick socks) and choose to put away the small irritations (shake the sand out of my shoes)?

So, I am still traveling. I have made some progress in my complaint-free journey, and that feels good. It’s slow going, but the scenery is starting to look a little bit different now. I’m in a brighter place than I was when I started out, and that’s nice.

I think I still have a long stretch of road ahead of me. That’s to be expected, though, considering my starting place. But hey…who’s complaining? (smile).

PS: Enjoying The Wick? Scroll up to the top of the page and click the "like" button to the right of this article, right below the "follow me on twitter" button. Thanks!

When Nature Attacks

2011-09-06T11:31:00.001-04:00

It has been a challenging summer here in North Carolina. We’ve had extreme heat, drought, tornadoes, an earthquake and a hurricane. But last week, just to prove that Mother Nature can be kind as well as cruel, the weather turned gloriously beautiful. The temperature dropped and the skies became crystal-clear Carolina blue. I grabbed a book and a Diet Coke and headed outside to enjoy the reprieve. Everything was perfect.

Then an ant bit me. Then another one bit me. And it hurt like crazy.

To fully appreciate the impact of what I’m telling you, it’s important to understand that I'm not talking about those pesky house ants that want to swim in your sugar bowl. Nope. Here in North Carolina we have fire ants, and they are aptly named. Not because they having boy-scout caliber fire-starting skills, but because being bitten by one of these ants is like being jabbed with a burning cigarette. If these creatures end up in a movie, it won’t be in a cute Disney film, I can promise you that. They are vicious.

As I was rubbing ointment across the fiery red bite-marks, I couldn’t help but wonder why these little monsters bit me. Had I accidentally put my foot on their home? Had I threatened them in some way? But, as best as I could tell, the answer was “no” on both counts. I was just minding my own business when they came along and did what fire ants do. They bite people. The angry red bite marks said very little about me but they said a whole lot about fire ants. Biting is in their nature.

And that is the way it is with some people, too. They bite. They snap. They hurt you. And for no identifiable reason. You’re just sitting there, minding your own business, and then…BAM. You get bitten. But hear me friends, if you can honestly say that you did nothing to provoke such bad treatment, then the attack says far more about the “biter” than it does about you. Stop holding resentment and grudges against that person. Rub some ointment on it, and move on. This wasn’t about you.

Fire Ants do what Fire Ants do. Haters do what Haters do. You will not change them. Viciousness is in their nature. Complaining because they are what they are will not make them become something else. If they ever change their nature, it will be because they chose to do so. It is outside the scope of your control.

Don’t let another person’s poverty of character rob you of your maturity or your joy. Always remember that you are not made less by another person’s smallness of mind and spirit unless you choose to make yourself small by responding in kind.

Don’t bite people. When "nature" attacks, choose to be good, decent, kind and polite, even when others aren’t.

Going "Sunny Side Up"

2011-08-29T16:39:00.001-04:00

I recently finished reading the book “A Complaint Free World”, by Will Bowen. Now I feel convicted. I acknowledge that I have a problem.

“I am DeAnna and I am a complainer.”

As most of you know, I write a lot about the inherent power of language. And I write a lot about staying positive in both thought and language. And in spite of all of that, reading Bowen’s book made me painfully aware that I am still missing the mark in the area of positivity and that I am using my language skills to negatively influence my mood and my day. For example, I got up this morning and stepped outside and remarked to my husband “WOW! It is REALLY hot out here.” We got into the car and headed out for breakfast, and as I looked around his car I remarked, “This car is SO dusty inside. You should get some of those Armor-All wipes and keep them in your glove compartment.” As we sat in the restaurant looking at the breakfast menu, I remarked with a sigh, “Looks like I’ll be getting another omelet. What I wouldn’t give for a decent gluten-free pancake…”

You get the picture.

Complaining is a very insidious vice, mostly because there are so many ways to disguise it. Complaining can take the form of “fact stating”. For example, in my conversation above I “commented” about the heat. True enough it IS hot – it’s been nearly 100 degrees every day. But, everyone here with me knows that. I am not stating anything that is informative, nor am I pointing out something that we could change for the better. It is an expression of a grievance. I am not happy that it’s hot, and I want to tell someone else that I’m not happy that it’s hot. That makes it a complaint.

Complaining can also take the form of “constructive criticism”(my readers know I don’t believe in such a thing); that’s when we criticize or express dissatisfaction and then couple it with what we believe the other person could/should do to fix the problem. I pointed out that I believe my husband keeps a dirty car, which was my grievance, and then tacked on my expert advice about what he should do to remedy it. Call it what you will, I was complaining about his car. Nothing constructive about it. If I don’t like his dirty car I should either be quiet or clean it myself.

Complaining can also look a lot like helplessness or martyrdom. It’s “poor me” syndrome. We express our grievances and resentment by portraying ourselves as victims, as I did with my “wishing” for a meal option other than what was available. Poor Me can’t eat gluten. Cue the deep sigh and violins. As my mother used to say, “Stop complaining and be thankful for what you have.” That was good advice, in retrospect.

Bowen challenges his readers to go for twenty one consecutive days without complaining (expressing a dissatisfaction or grievance rather than changing the circumstance). In his challenge, each time we complain we must reset the clock and start over again. His contention is that once we are able to go for three weeks without complaining, we will have established a new habit that will change the way we think, speak and act. I am going to see if he is right.

Yep, I am going to try to go complaint-free. I suspect it will be very difficult, but I also suspect I will eventually succeed. If it is possible for anyone to do it, then it is possible for me as well. I don’t need any special skills, equipment or talents. I just need determination. And I am one of the most determined (a.k.a. stubborn) people I know.

I believe I am about to change the world for the better – well, at least change my world for the better. And if you’d like to give this little exercise in self-control a try, I’d love to hear from you. They say that misery loves company, but I believe that commitment loves company too. If you are interested in joining me, send me an email and let me know.

I hope you have an amazing week, and that each day finds you “sunny side up”.

When "Weakness" Pays Off

2011-08-23T10:25:00.000-04:00

One of the things we stress in the health care field is awareness of the “chain of infection”. The concept is a simple one. In order for a virus to spread, is has to have a pathway upon which to travel and a “port of entry” through which to infect its host. The infected person must expel the virus and the host must take the virus back in through a “port of entry”, such as the nose, the mouth or an open cut. That’s why we tell children to cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze and to wash their hands frequently. These sanitation measures are the best defense against illness and work to create a break along the “chain of infection”.

The disease of bad attitudes, unkind words, defensiveness, and aggressiveness get passed along in much the same way that a virus does. It spreads from one person to another until it finally gets passed to someone who stops it dead in its tracks by choosing to respond maturely, patiently, kindly and politely. That person has chosen to be the “weak link” in the very powerful chain of bad behavior.

Have you ever watched children get into an altercation? One child does or says something unkind to the second child. The second child responds with a negative response of her own. Pretty soon, you are pulling the two little combatants apart and hoping no one is bleeding…when you ask what happened, both will blurt out “(s)he started it!”. Children, lacking in maturity and decision making skills, respond with their emotions. They are developmentally incapable of relying on logic, reason and experience to choose appropriate behaviors, and often mirror the emotions and behaviors of those around them. But we adults aren’t like that, right? As adults, we never let our emotions override our reason…(yeah, right…)

Think about the last time your husband or wife said something that upset you. Or maybe it was a neighbor or co-worker, or the guy who cut you off in traffic. Did you act as the weakest link in the “chain of infection”, or did you keep the anger, insults and inconsideration going by responding in kind? Or perhaps you took in the bad behavior and “paid it forward” by taking your frustration out on someone else, like your dog or employees or kids. If you chose to be the “weak link” and refused to respond in kind, how did that make you feel? Did you feel empowered, more peaceful, more in control? How did you sleep that night? Conversely, if you chose to keep the anger going, how did you feel? How did you sleep that night? Did you feel healthy or did you feel “infected”?

I am personally trying very hard to learn to be the weakest link in the chain of inconsiderate behavior. It’s surprisingly difficult. Human nature is to react before we think; that’s what kept our distant ancestors from getting eaten by saber toothed tigers. If you wanted to find dinner rather than be dinner, you had to be ready to react; either flee or fight. No time for deep thinking unless you wanted those to be the last thoughts you ever had. But the instincts that saved us in bygone eras do not serve us nearly as well in our modern times. Nowadays, the thing most likely to kill us is stress, not tigers. That’s why our survival these days depends on being the weakest link – at least in regard to the chain of negative emotions and behaviors.

We have time to think about how best to respond. We can de-escalate a situation. We can decide to be the place the madness stops. But it isn’t programmed into our nature. It takes conscious effort, and it takes enough self confidence to be willing to be seen as the loser. And there lies the sticking point for most of us. We cannot bear to be seen as weak in any way, even if the “weakness” is what saves us in the end.

I encourage you to try, for just one week, to be the weakest link. Refuse to be a host for the “negativity virus”. You have the power to stop the chain of infection. The question is not “can you do it?” but “will you do it”?

Permission to Drift (Redux)

2011-08-09T11:27:00.000-04:00

Happy Tuesday! I am on a much needed vacation this week, so I have resurrected a former Wick posting in which I write about the importance of rest and relaxation. Enjoy, and have a relaxing week!

Permission to Drift

We live in a world obsessed with speed. I typed the word “speed” into my internet browser and it delivered 94,000,000 results in .09 seconds. Interestingly, we are no longer amazed by this. We expect it, and anything less simply won’t do.

Car makers sell us on how fast their cars will go, improved cleaning products tout that they will clean in “half the time”, and technology is evolving so quickly that a product is practically obsolete by the time we’ve learned to use it. We build high speed trains, add high speed lanes to the expressway, purchase high-speed internet, and are annoyed when our “fast food” isn’t being handed out the window by the time we drive around the building. With all this speed, you’d think we would have a surplus of time each day to do the things we actually enjoy, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all.

Almost everyone bemoans the fact that they “don’t have enough time” to do what has to be done, much less what they want to do. Each day speeds into the next in a blur of deadlines, emails, cell calls, and appointments. At the end of the day, if we ever get a moment to slow down without immediately falling into the sleep of pure exhaustion, we may find ourselves wondering if this is how it is destined to be… life as the “blur” that occurs between two great, silent pauses…

While technology may have evolved at the speed of light, the human body has not. We are simply not built to withstand life at the extreme pace our current culture demands without beginning to break down; either emotionally, physically or both. In order to survive at the most basic level, we need rest; in order to thrive and grow, we need things in our life which bring us peace, joy, and satisfaction.

I recently returned from a week of much needed peace. No cell calls, no email, no internet. I had no appointments, no commitments and no plans. I simply sat with the sun on my shoulders and a book in my lap. Sometimes I took a walk. It took a day or two to clear the noise out of my head, to find escape from the grip of busyness that holds me in its tyranny far too much of the time. Countless times during those first few days, the Voice Of Busyness told me to check my email, watch the news, send a text, surf the web, or just go do something. I ignored it, but it was difficult. Eventually though, the annoying Voice Of Busyness quieted down and I was able to hear my own thoughts again. Not the noisy, busy, work thoughts I normally have. Not the thoughts about what I needed to do next, but thoughts about the kind of person that I want to be and the things that are important to me.

Author James Gleick once wrote:

“Recognize that neither technology nor efficiency can acquire more time for you, because time is not a thing you have lost. It is not a thing you ever had. It is what you live in. You can drift or you can swim, but it will carry you along either way.”

I am under no illusions as to how far down the river my journey has taken me. The mirror and my aching knees remind me every day. But I know this much is true: I am a better swimmer after I have allowed myself some time to drift.

When is the last time you gave yourself permission to stop struggling and simply float for awhile?

Lighten Up!

2011-08-02T09:41:00.000-04:00

The word on the street is that I may be one of the most stressed out people in America.

Well, okay, maybe not me specifically, but women of my particular age bracket. It turns out that, according to a recent report released by the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, women between the ages of 45-64 have the lowest overall well-being rates of any age group or gender in the United States, and the report attributes it to stress. The study even goes so far as to suggest that this may be the first generation of women in history that will not outlive men by at least five to seven years. This is frightening news, because if women die before men, who will make sure that the cosmetologist at the funeral home doesn’t do something unexpected to our hair before the viewing? Who will see to it that our burial outfit doesn’t make us look fat? Who will thoughtfully organize the post-funeral potluck social (which, as we all know, is an important rite of passage in the south)? Talk about stress…I’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

But seriously, this is disturbing news, and not just for women.

We all know that stress is a serial-killer, and yet we allow it to move into our lives and take up residence, even as it’s plotting how to strangle us in our sleep. In spite of the clear and present danger, we continue to over-plan, over-extend, over-commit and worry ourselves into an early grave. Legendary UNC basketball coach, Dean Smith, once remarked, “If you treat every situation as a life and death matter, you'll die a lot of times.” His point is well made, but it’s that last death that matters most. That’s the one there’s no coming back from. (And if you believe in reincarnation, DO NOT write me a letter to enlighten me on life after death, unless you used to be my great-grandmother Corter/Corder…in which case I need to talk to you about this name-spelling thing. It’s causing confusion at family reunions).

Lighten up readers. Not everything is an issue of life and death. Not everything that could happen is going to happen, and not everything that does happen will be as bad as we think. It’s time to gain some perspective. It’s time to learn to separate mountains from molehills.

A few years ago, when we bought our new home, my husband and I decided to do a self-move rather than hire professional movers (which turned out to be a questionable decision on our part). We rented some portable storage “pods” and began moving a few pieces of furniture into them each day. It was working out great. Right up until The Great Piano Incident.

That’s when we decided (I’m being magnanimous in my use of “we”) to load my spinet piano into the storage container by strategically positioning it onto two moving dollys and wheeling it down the gravel driveway and up the ramp into the big fiberglass box. Having precariously balanced the 600 lb. piano on the eight inch shelf of the dolly (another questionable decision), my husband instructed me to “keep it steady” while he went to close the garage door (I don’t think it’s even necessary for me to comment on the wisdom of that decision). As soon as he walked away, the piano began to wobble on its ridiculous perch. Time passed in slow motion as the piano began to topple forward…I must have made some sort of distress call (things get fuzzy here), because my husband spun around and called out something helpful like “catch it!”. In spite of his good advice, I was no match for the momentum of six hundred pounds of wood, ivory and cast iron, so I just yelped and let go (I still contend that particular decision was a good one).

My husband stood transfixed with horror and disbelief.

I, on the other hand, laughed so hard that Diet Coke came out of my nose.

I mean, come on, “insurance claim” and “I was only gone two seconds” and “blah, blah, blahs” aside, this was pretty darn funny. It would have been even funnier if it had happened to the neighbors, but still…

Don’t get me wrong, I understood that this was an unfortunate event. But, in the grand scheme of things that can go wrong, this was not a life-threatening event. (Well, it might have been if my husband had been able to catch me, but I can run pretty fast for a girl. And it was, after all, my piano, so what was he being so grumpy about?)

People, it’s about learning where to place your focus. Sadly, in a nation where we lead off the evening news with stories about Kate Middleton’s clothes rather than the famine in Somalia, it’s not surprising that we struggle to prioritize. But, all life events are not created equal, and our responses to them should reflect the true nature of the situation. If we are going to be angry, tense, worried or stressed out, let’s save it for occasions worthy of how much it is going to cost us. It might be a good idea to ask ourselves if what we are getting ready to fixate on is worth losing moments, or even years, off of our life. We may not be able to stop ourselves from worrying over a sick loved one, but I propose that we can stop beating ourselves up if we miss one of our kids’ soccer games (or deconstruct a piano in the driveway). We should develop the habit of asking ourselves, “How serious is this…really?”, and then proceed from there.

Mark Twain once advised, “Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” I think we should listen to him. This is sound advice.

And to all you Reincarnationists out there: If you used to be Mark Twain, it’s okay if you write me a letter. But nothing from Cleopatra or Napoleon, please. You took yourself way too seriously.

Standing Up by Standing Down

2011-07-26T09:46:00.000-04:00

Stanislav Petrov may have literally saved your life once, and he may figuratively save it again, if you let his example become your own.

Petrov was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Soviet military back in 1983, and was responsible for monitoring Soviet early warning satellite systems, designed to detect the launch of a nuclear attack against his country by the United States. While working a double shift one night, he was suddenly startled by loudly sounding alarms. Radar indicated that the United States had launched several nuclear missiles at the Soviet Union. To Petrov, it was not unrealistic to believe that the U.S. would be attacking the Soviet Union; it was the Cold War era, after all, and tensions between the United States and Soviet Union were high. So when the alarms sounded, Petrov was under a mandate to initiate communications that would launch a retaliatory response by the Soviets. At the time, the stance of both the U.S. and the Soviet Union was one of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD); a “we’ll all go down together” doctrine of military behavior that was, in theory, supposed to decrease the likelihood of nuclear war by ensuring that regardless of who launched the initial attack, the other nation would follow with an equal or more significant response of its own. But now Petrov stood in front of the banks of flashing red lights and wailing sirens, and he had to make a call; retaliate or not? Assume the worst or wait and see? He had his orders, but would he follow them? Could he trust what he was seeing?

So what about you? What if you were in Stanislav’s position? You see the signs; you hear the warnings. You are under attack. How far will you go? Will you retaliate? Will you ensure that everyone goes down together? Will there be no last man standing?

Don’t speak too quickly. As I read Petrov’s story, I couldn’t help but think how each of us face similar, but much less dramatic, choices on a daily basis. How many times have each of us felt unjustly attacked, challenged, or threatened, and have chosen to respond in kind? How many of us, if we are to be honest with ourselves, hold our own doctrines of Mutually Assured Destruction? How many of us live by the creed, “I may not have started it, but I’m going to finish it.”? Sadly, I know I adopt that stance far too often. I bristle at perceived insults and launch a counter-attack, ready to defend myself, even if it is harmful to the other person and me.

Fortunately for the rest of us, Stanislav Petrov "stood down". And in doing so, he probably saved the world as we know it, because the alarm was a false one. There were no incoming missiles, just faulty radar and alarm systems. But had he followed his training and protocol, and informed those in charge that an unprovoked attack was underway and annihilation was imminent, the USSR may have responded with a nuclear “counter-attack”. Then the US (who had not actually launched any missiles in the first place) would believe that the Soviets had launched an initial and unprovoked attack and, as part of the MAD doctrine, would have responded with a strike of our own…creating a real war where none originally existed. The fact that you and I are here today may be largely due to the actions of Stanislav Petrov and his unwillingness to assume the worst.

Petrov was not lauded as a hero by the Soviet government. In fact, the public didn’t know about his actions until after the fall of the Soviet Union. After the initial incident, he took an early retirement and lived unremarkably on a retirement pension of about $200 a month. Finally, in 1998, a former colleague wrote a book in which he mentioned Petrov’s actions on that fateful day, and then the whole world knew what the Soviets hand known for over a decade: one lone man made a decision that may have saved the world as we know it.

There are two lessons here that are worth taking away from Petrov’s story:

Examine your assumptions very carefully, for they tend to become your reality. Had Stanislav Petrov trusted that the alarms were real, he would have initiated a response with devastating results for all involved. A perceived demise would have become a real demise. This is a lesson that we all need to take to heart. Operating under false assumptions about another’s intent can lead to escalation of conflict in which no party wins. So, examine your assumptions, identify the course of action that will result in the least collateral damage, and proceed accordingly. Whether it is in the quantity of your years, or in the quality of your years, the life you save by choosing to “stand down” may be your own.

Doing good does not necessarily result in admiration and praise from others. Do good anyway. Petrov chose to stand down because he believed it was the right decision at the time. No one initially gave him an award or party for doing so, and you will not always be praised for doing good either. In fact, doing good may cost you friends, disrupt your career, and make you vulnerable. So, you alone must decide if you will live a life based on conviction or one based on convenience. Will you do the easy thing, or will you do the right thing? If you choose to do the right thing, be prepared to stand alone. A life lived in the pursuit of excellence is not for the faint of heart.

If you are standing in a conflict today, and are choosing to do what is right rather than what is tempting, I congratulate you. If you have chosen to follow your conscience rather than the path of least resistance, I applaud you. And if you are focusing on controlling your impulses rather than on controlling other people, I admire you.

As it turns out, we often stand tallest when we choose to “stand down”.

When Talk Isn't Cheap

2011-07-19T06:47:00.000-04:00

I will admit to being a political cynic, but I don’t believe that I am alone in thinking that there is something strange going on in our nation’s capitol these days. It seems that no matter whom we elect and from what political party they arise, we end up with the same people – they just have different names and faces. They still make the same empty promises while pursuing the same personal and political agendas. They make lots of promises and keep very few. They talk a lot and accomplish a little. Actual problem-solving seems to be trumped by talking about problem-solving. And this is troubling, because contrary to popular opinion, talk is not cheap.

Language is an amazingly powerful tool. It offers us the means to make understood that which can’t be seen or touched; to share our knowledge and wisdom with others. It allows us to express our joys and our sadness, our pleasures and our pain. We use language to make a friend; to comfort and console one another; to encourage and uplift. We use it to warn others of danger and to bring calm in a crisis. Our words allow us to accurately represent our intent and our mission, and when freely exchanged in good faith with others, they allows us to problem solve and collaborate for the betterment of many rather than the advancement of a few. What a treasure, this thing called language!

But what happens when we use language to gain unfair advantage, to mislead or provide false comfort, to misdirect and misinform? What happens when we start using language to hide who we are, rather than to reveal who we are? Does talk get cheaper then? I suspect than anyone who has ever believed something that turned out to be a lie, or has been hurt by gossip or criticism, will tell you that the cost was very high indeed. And what about the personal cost to the liar, the gossiper, and the critic? What is the true value of the respect and trust that has been lost? Is it even measurable? When we lose our credibility, we lose our ability to successfully participate in the economy of relationships, and that’s not an incidental expense.

Again I repeat: Talk is not cheap. What you say matters.

Parents, your children will gain confidence through your praise or lose heart through your criticism; so teach, don’t preach.

Spouses, you have made promises to one another to love, honor and cherish; so keep them.

Senators, Congressmen and other leaders: you speak for us, so speak carefully. Stop all the verbal posturing and let your word be your bond. We’re listening.

You see, every word we speak is either a deposit into, or a withdrawal from, the account of our character, so I repeat once again: Talk is not cheap.

Please don’t misunderstand. I am not proposing that words hold more sway than actions, because they do not. If you mistreat someone, contrary to popular opinion, you cannot balance the books by saying “I’m sorry”. If your words and your actions don’t line up, I can assure you people will give more credence to what you do than to what you say. I’m not advocating “talking a good line” over "living a good life”. But, what I am saying is that words must not be treated as incidental. They have weight. They have import. They have consequences.

When we cheapen our words by using them as a substitute for action we are diminished, and when we use our words to diminish others we are cheapened; because words are the currency of trust.

And you can take that to the bank.

Who Decides if Criticism is Constructive?

2011-07-11T10:17:00.005-04:00

Raise your hand if you like to be criticized.

Yeah…me neither.

Webster's dictionary defines criticism as "Disapproval expressed by pointing out faults or shortcomings". But, I doubt you need a dictionary to tell you what criticism is any more than you need a dictionary to tell you what pain is. You know it when you feel it.

Perhaps in some (and by "some", I mean very few) cases criticism is warranted, but even then, the likelihood of it bringing about the effect the criticizer was hoping for is going to be on the low side (and by "low", I mean almost non-existent). Why is that? Because people don't like pain and criticism is painful; therefore, as a way of shielding ourselves from the pain, we disregard the validity of the negative things being said about us. This isn't an intentional, conscious, decision. It is the ego protecting itself, and we all do it. This is what makes the concept of "constructive criticism" so highly unlikely.

We all need to rid ourselves of the notion that we can give someone constructive criticism. We cannot. If constructive criticism exists at all, it exists only at the discretion of the receiver - never the giver - because criticism can never be truly constructive until it is received and acted upon. It is only the receiver that has the power to transform the message, no matter how true or well-intentioned, into something useful or constructive. If the person being criticized doesn’t choose to positively interpret and apply what you have said, then the criticism isn’t constructive at all, regardless of your intent.

Let me offer an example that may help to illustrate the point. I used to have a dog that was incredibly good at leaping into the air and catching anything I threw at him; balls, Frisbees, sticks…he could catch them all. He would launch himself gracefully into the air, arc his body, adjust for the flying object's trajectory, and land gracefully back on all fours with the thrown object proudly gripped in his mouth. Success! Big fun! What a game! However, when I launched the stick at my husband's head his response was less agreeable. As it turns out, he was not as enthused about the “catch-the-stick-in-your-mouth” game as my dog was. One was primed to receive, the other was not. And so it is with criticism.

If there is any other way to make a point about something (and there usually is) avoid using criticism as the delivery method. Unless your receiver is already willing and prepared to deal with the sharp-pointed sticks you’re throwing at his head, he’s unlikely to see the value of the exchange.

There are alternative approaches with a much better track record, and they are worth learning. Some of the most effective, in my experience, are presented in Marshall Rosenberg's books, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, and Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World . Whether you use these books or other resources, the point is to identify and adopt approaches that have the greatest chance of success, and to discard those which are likely to lead to hard feelings and resistance.

On the very rare occasion when we must point out another's faults or shortcomings, we would be well advised to follow the advice of newspaper columnist Frank "Parson" Clark, who wrote: "Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots."

I still, on occasion, act more like a hurricane than a gentle rain, but I’m learning. How about you?

When Quitting Makes Sense

2011-07-07T09:36:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago I joined a support group for people dealing with chronic health issues. My membership lasted about two weeks and I quit. I couldn’t take the seemingly endless litany of complaints, narcissism and defeatist attitudes that dominated the conversations. I tried to offer an alternate view, one of taking control of our disease and focusing on what we have rather than what we don’t have, but I was, for the most part, ignored. It turns out that misery not only loves company - it demands it. So, the support group folks will have to go on worrying, complaining and picking their scabs without me. I have bowed out, and I make no apologies. Sometimes quitting is the right thing to do.

Tenacity is a virtue that often walks hand-in-hand with success, but when we cling to things that are harmful, tenacity ceases to be a virtue and becomes a vice; a parasite that drains us of health and peace of mind. No one doubts the wisdom of quitting abusive relationships, smoking or other obviously self-destructive behaviors. But not all quitting behaviors are quite that straightforward. Sometimes, vices masquerade as virtues. Sometimes our tenacity causes us to cling to sharks we have mistaken for life rafts.

I have found that if something hurts, emotionally or physically, it's probably a good idea to stop doing it. I'm not talking about the soreness that comes from moderate exercise or the emotional ambivalence we feel when confronting difficult truths about ourselves. Those are normal and expected components of growth and development. The kind of pain that I'm talking about is the searing pain that develops in your knees every time you go out for a run or the debilitating emotional distress that comes from arguing with and lecturing someone who is obviously not going to change. If it hurts, I mean really hurts, don’t do it. Find a new exercise, a new approach or a new friend. Give yourself permission to quit. Quitting is a source of embarrassment only when it is rooted in laziness.

The older I get, the more I realize that time is short and my efforts must be spent on those activities that provide the greatest chance of being successful and making a positive impact in my life and the lives of others. If it is of little benefit, I have given myself permission to discard it. No harm, no foul.

As you have heard me say before, your life is the sum total of your experiences. If you fill your life with negative experiences, it logically follows that your life will be less than pleasing to you. So, what are you doing that you need to stop doing? What are you currently hanging on to that you need to cut loose? Why are you afraid to let go? Knowing the answers to these questions is the first step in empowering yourself to get on with your best life.

I am disappointed that my foray into the support group arena didn’t pan out. I had high hopes for it. We all need the occasional dose of encouragement, some good advice and a coping strategy or two. I am lucky that I still have wonderful people out there who take the time to offer those things to me, and I hope that this blog offers that to you. If it does, I'd really love to hear from you. Feel free to post a comment to this blog or send me an email at dmccall139@gmail.com.

The Eye of the Beholder

2011-07-05T09:06:00.001-04:00

This weekend was the Twilight Zone Marathon; two days of non-stop episodes from the original series. I was mesmerized for hours. I love The Twilight Zone. It is social commentary at its best. Who needs PBS documentaries and social psychologists when you have Rod Serling to remind you of how fragile individuals and societies are? Each episode brings to light the ramifications of our own fears, greed, and prejudices. Each one is a thirty minute crash course in social psychology.

To me, one of the most poignant episodes is the one entitled “The Eye of the Beholder”. The episode opens with a woman lying in a bed, her face completely bandaged. She is distraught, having undergone repeated medical treatments in an attempt to make her face “acceptable” to society. She desperately pleads with the nurse, begging her for details of when they will remove the bandages and will be able to determine if the treatments have been a success. She tells the sympathetic nurse that, all her life, all she has wanted was for people not to turn away in horror when they saw her. Who can’t relate, on some level, to that type of pain? The twist, of course, is when the bandages are removed to reveal a stunningly beautiful young woman. As the camera pans out, we see that all of those around her are hideously ugly; deformed and pig-like. She, in her youthful beauty, is the aberration.

While this episode says a lot about the cultural pressures to be physically attractive, its real social import comes in the words of the snout-faced leader seen delivering a political speech at the end of the episode:

“We know now that there must be a single purpose! A single norm! A single approach! A single entity of peoples! A single virtue! A single morality! A single frame of reference! A single philosophy of government! We must cut out all that is different like a cancerous growth! It is essential in this society that we not only have a norm, but that we conform to that norm! Differences weaken us! Variations destroy us! An incredible permissiveness to deviation from this norm is what has ended nations and brought them to their knees! Conformity we must worship and hold sacred! Conformity is the key to survival!”

Do you agree with him? Don’t be so quick to say no…

Too many of us have fallen victim to the insidious message of the snout-faced leader, and we aren’t even aware of it. While there are many of us who would quickly denounce the idea that we would discriminate against someone because of their looks, race or physical handicap, we look at ourselves in a mirror and feel ashamed of what we see there: we are prejudiced against our own faces, our own skin, our own body shape. We are hypocrites, each of us. Differences are fine as long as we’re not the ones being “different”.

In many ways I wish I could get back my younger years. Not because I want fewer wrinkles, better muscle tone and a trim figure, but because I feel like I was too unforgiving to the girl that I was. I wish I could give her a chance to live free of the unrealistic pressure I put her under. I wish I could go back and have a second chance to focus on the things that really matter; to live free of the pursuit of someone else’s idea of perfection. But I can’t go back, and neither can you. Time flows in one direction. The attitudes we hold today, toward ourselves and others, are the only ones we can change. If we are serious about personal growth and excellence, we have to begin rooting out our prejudices, and we have to start with the ones we hold against ourselves.

If you want to see your true beauty, you are going to need to look into the eyes of someone you have made feel accepted and loved, just the way they are. A mirror will only be helpful if the grateful eyes you happen to gaze into are your own. Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.

The Freedom No One Can Take Away

2011-06-30T07:31:00.000-04:00

I love having choices. The freedom to shape our own destiny, as it were, is one of the things that Americans hold most dear; one of the things we celebrate each Fourth of July. We choose where we will live, what we will eat, what we will wear, what we will do for a living, who we will vote for…Americans are choosers. So does being free to choose make us better, more tolerant, people?

Not necessarily, according to a recent study published in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science.

The article states:

“Choice makes North Americans feel more in control, free, and independent, and thus has many positive consequences for the individuals’ motivation and well-being.”

However, the study goes on to say that “…activating the concept of choice increases victim blaming and decreases empathy for disadvantaged people.”

This is interesting to me. The idea that we are less concerned about others, for any reason, is troubling, but particularly so when something so deeply ingrained into who we are as a society, such as the freedom to choose, is implicated. Can being free to choose undermine kindness and empathy? If so, why is that?

The conclusion drawn by the authors of the study is that, as successful individuals in free Western societies, we tend to look at where we are in life and see our position as being a result of our own choices and personal effort, rather than a result of politics, the efforts of others, or fate. Therefore, we may believe that if we have been able to “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps”, then those around us can too. In other words, we frame everyone’s experience by our own experience.

If others are not successful or happy, it must surely be attributed to something they have, or haven’t, done. If they had just tried harder, worked harder, saved more, spent less, practiced safe sex, stopped smoking, started exercising, tried harder in school, chosen a different career path, chosen a different government…the list goes on… then they wouldn’t be in the shape they are in today. We shrug our shoulders and think, “Hey, they made their bed. Now they’re going to have to sleep in it.”

Let me offer an example to help illustrate the point. A 2004 report in the Journal of Public Economics, citing the World Values Survey, indicated that only 30% of Americans believe the poor are “trapped” in poverty, and 60% of Americans reported that they believed people were poor because they were lazy. In other words, a significant number of Americans tend to see poverty as a choice.

Now, I am under no illusions that everyone will make the most of their opportunities. There are plenty of good examples of bad choices. Some people are poor because they are lazy. Some people are sick because of poor lifestyle choices. Some people do abuse the system. But in the words of Kent M. Keith, author of The Paradoxical Commandments:

Do Good Anyway.

Our society offers many advantages that are unparalleled elsewhere in the world. And all of the advantages that we have as a nation are hard won; including, and most especially, our freedom to choose. But the idea that a lack of empathy for another person's pain, regardless of whether it is self-imposed, is warranted because the person “brought it on themselves”, feels awfully small and mean to me. I don’t want to be that person.

I want to have a generosity of spirit that is based upon how much I share in common with those who suffer. I want to be a part of a society that extends kindness, help, and support to my fellow human beings, both at home and abroad, without suspicion and without regret. I want to remember that in most cases, “there but for the grace of God (or the twists of fate) go I.”

I want to encourage each of you to celebrate this Fourth of July by choosing to exercise the one freedom that no government can endow or take away: the freedom to extend kindness to your fellow man.

PS. If you want to learn more about the Paradoxical Commandments and take the “Do Good Anyway” Challenge, visit the Paradoxical Commandments website and download your free certificate. Buy the book while you’re at it. It’s a great read.

Standing on the Brink of Genius

2011-06-27T07:18:00.001-04:00

The poet Kahlil Gibran once said that “perplexity is the beginning of knowledge”. If this is true, then I am standing on the brink of genius, because the older I get, the more I have come to realize how many things I don’t know. And many of the things I thought I knew, the stark “black and white” views that I was so sure of when I was younger, have mellowed over time into gentler shades of gray. It turns out that life contains far more variables, fallibility, and misinterpretation of data than it does absolutes and certainties. As life extends, so does its mystery. At least, it does for those who are paying attention.

I think what Gibran was trying to say is this: You can’t know what you need to know until you know that you don’t know it. Or, to put it a little more clearly, a “know-it-all” DOESN’T. And won’t. They’ve lost their ability to be perplexed.

Just as good physical health is marked by certain signs such as rosy cheeks, energy, and a healthy appetite, intellectual health has indications as well. Listening as least as much as you talk, associating with those who see things differently than you, and challenging your own opinions are all signs of a healthy intellect. What would happen if you took one of your deeply held beliefs or assumptions and then set out to prove to yourself that you might be wrong? I mean really tried to talk yourself out of your deeply held belief. Could your ego survive if you lost your absolute assurance that you were right?

Being assured that we know everything – at least everything worth knowing – closes the door to investigation. But as any psychiatrist can tell you, lack of curiosity isn’t a sign of intelligence; it’s a sign of a mental disorder.

Back in the spring, I began to notice something. My neighbors mowed their yard every day. Each morning, once the sun got high enough in the sky to warm things up, I would hear their mower start. I could only hear it from one particular room in my house, a room from which I couldn’t see their front yard, but I could be assured that when I went to that room I would hear their mower humming off in the distance. After about a week, this constant mowing started to get on my nerves. Why would anyone mow their yard every single day?? It was very irritating. Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me and I walked around the hedges and into their yard. Oddly, there was no one mowing and the sound had stopped. Hmmm... I went back into the house – and still heard the mower. I went outside again. No mower. Weird.

Eventually, I went into my own back yard, following the sound. As I neared the corner of my house, the sound grew louder. Then I saw it. There was no mower at all! Instead, the sound was coming from a steady stream of carpenter bees busily drilling holes into the side of my house. A lot of them. Thankfully, I had discovered them before any major damage had been done. They were exterminated, the holes patched up, and I was no longer irritated at my innocent neighbors. But I learned a lesson. Be curious. Investigate. Never assume. The truth may not be what you think it is.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. If you want to grow emotionally and intellectually, you have to get curious about your own life. You have to be willing to challenge your assumptions and change your position when warranted. Reality, however harsh or unexpected, is always your friend.

Perhaps Alistair Cooke said it best when he stated:

“Curiosity endows the people who have it with a generosity in argument, and a serenity in their own mode of life, which springs from their cheerful willingness to let life take the form it will.”

The pursuit of absolute truth is noble. The possession of it is highly unlikely. When we accept that, we are infinitely better, and much smarter, people.

Sick To Death: The Disease of Discontentment

2011-06-20T10:13:00.002-04:00

There is an epidemic sweeping through my town, and it’s probably spreading in yours as well. It seldom shows up with obvious physical manifestations, like chicken pox or hives does. Instead it’s subtle. The symptoms are most easily observed in conversation. Listen for:

“I wish……..”

“I don’t like….”

“If only….”

" I never get to..."

These are the symptoms of discontentment and it seems a lot of people have them. Unlike the common cold, however, discontentment is eventually fatal. It is a form of heart disease. Ignore the symptoms at your own peril.

Pediatricians used to recommend that parents keep a bottle of something called Syrup of Ipecac on hand in case a child suffered accidental poisoning. Ipecac induces vomiting, so the idea behind its administration was that if a child were to accidentally ingest anything toxic, caregivers could administer a dose of ipecac and cause the child to vomit up the harmful substance. Ipecac was not a “medicine”, and it didn’t cure anything; it just served to make the child sick. But in doing so, it could also force the dangerous toxin back out of the body before any additional damage could be done. And so it is with discontent.

If discontent has any intrinsic value, it has so only to the degree that it acts as a catalyst for change; change in our circumstances or change in our attitude about our circumstances. But beyond that, it is dangerous stuff.

I can say with absolute certainty that I have never found any benefit in being discontented. The way I see it, discontentment should be no more a state of being than ipecac should be the mainstay of a diet. When discontentment arises (and it inevitably will), I recognize it for what it is: the need to purge. Something needs to go – either the negative circumstances or my negative attitude. But allowing discontentment to settle in while I passively sit and wish for a different life is not an option I allow myself. It is far too dangerous.

If you are experiencing discontentment, it’s time to do a thorough self-examination. Where does it hurt? What about your situation can be changed for the better: your attitude or your circumstances? If you are in a situation that can be changed through your own efforts – no matter how difficult – it’s time to stop the stomach-churning misery of it all and make the change. If you are not able to change the circumstances themselves, then you have no choice but to change your attitude about them. But either way, you cannot live long in discontent. It's time to purge. Negativity that goes unheeded is ultimately, and always, fatal.

First, Do No Harm

2011-06-16T09:01:00.003-04:00

I follow the blog of a young lady from the UK, Alice Pyne, who has been diagnosed with terminal leukemia. Her blog is sweet and full of youthful optimism, even in the face of very dark circumstances. She has created a “bucket list” of things she wants to do before she dies, and it is an endearing mixture of maturity (i.e., getting everyone to become a bone marrow donor) and teenage hero-worship (to meet the British pop group Take That). I have said before that a hero is not someone who changes the world, but someone who changes what they can. I think Alice is living like a hero, and so do many others who read her blog. But sadly, there are other readers out there who have shown what it means to be human without humanity. They have made unbelievably cruel comments about her, and others are using her blog to promote their own questionable businesses and personal agendas. Some are even pretending to be Alice or her mom on the internet in order to deceive others. Obviously, this is very upsetting to Alice and her family.

What is it that lies within people that allows them to cross the boundaries of common decency? What internal justifications are they making that allow for such smallness of heart and spirit? I can’t help but believe that these people have never sat at the bedside of someone they loved and helplessly watched as death won out over life, for surely if they had, such gross insensitivity would be unthinkable. Maybe no one ever held these people tightly when they were children and told them that every breath they took was precious. Maybe their own personal experiences have led them to believe that life is a zero-sum game and that the only way they can win is if someone else loses. My training says any or all of these things could be true. My humanity says I don’t particularly care if they are. While there are those among us who may have perfectly understandable reasons for bad behavior, “understandable” is a far cry from “acceptable”.

Our culture and our survival depend on kindness. If, as a society, we move to an “every man for himself” model, we will have engineered our own demise. Cooperation, community and trust collapse in a society that ceases to demand civility from its citizens. My childhood wasn’t perfect nor, for that matter, is my present. I suspect the same holds true for each of you. But we have to learn how to operate as responsible human beings and navigate our way through life without doing harm.

I remember talking to a friend who had lived in Japan for a number of years, and she remarked on the power of the group, in Japanese society, to shape behavior. She told me of watching a group of Japanese preschoolers playing. When one of the children made an aggressive move toward another child, the rest of the children banned together with the child who had been mistreated and moved to a different area of the playground. They continued to ostracize the aggressive child for the rest of the day. By the end of the day, the misbehaving child was quiet, apologetic and humbled. Peer pressure is a powerful thing.

So my questions for the day are these:

· How tolerant are you of those who are unkind?

· Do you make it easier or harder for them to do the wrong thing?

· Do you make excuses for yourself or others?

· Do you stand up for others?

· Do you model kindness?

I honestly believe most people want to do the right thing, but I think our society has also grown increasingly disinterested in promoting good behavior. We can change that if we want to. So, maybe today we could start doing a little more for others, a kindness here – a kindness there, and letting those around us know that we are serious about civility. And by the way, if you get a chance, tell Alice Pyne that you’re rooting for her.