The TV Movie was the first brand new Doctor Who I ever watched with Sue, and she never missed another episode from that point on. So it seems appropriate to finish where we started, all those years ago. We have, of course, drezzzzed for the occasion. She’s wearing her Pip and Jane T-shirt and I’m wearing a bath robe with the collar turned up.

Sue: Before we start, does this count?

Me: For the last time – yes, it counts!

Sue: What’s it called?

Me: It doesn’t have a title. It’s just The TV Movie.

Sue: Really? That’s the best they could come up with? The TV Movie? What kind of title is that?

The Doctor: It was on the planet Skaro that my old enemy the Master was finally put on trial…

Sue: Ooh, is it the Master?

The renegade Time Lord has been placed in an extermination chamber.

Sue: That’s a shit Dalek.

Me: That isn’t a Dalek. It’s the Master.

Sue: Can we start this again, please? I’m lost already. It’s moving too fast and I can’t take it all in.

I rewind the prologue…

Sue: But he looks nothing like the Master!

Me: And they sound nothing like the Daleks. Get your priorities straight, woman!

Cue titles…

Sue: Ooh, I like this. It’s epic. It reminds me of the new series a lot. I bet you must have loved this.

The seventh Doctor makes sure that the Master is safely under lock and key in his TARDIS…

Sue: I like his new suit. He should have dressed like that from the very beginning. So where’s Ace?

The Doctor has redecorated…

Sue: Nice TARDIS. It reminds me of the wooden one he used to have, but this one is massive. I love the wooden floors.

The Doctor relaxes with a good book and a bowl of jelly babies.

Sue: He looks like he’s mellowed a bit. We never see the Doctor with his feet up reading a book. He’s usually running around like an idiot.

And then all hell breaks loose and the Doctor runs around like an idiot…

Sue: The direction is fantastic. We could be watching the new series.

The Master has escaped…

Sue: But I thought he was dead? Unless it was a trap. The Doctor should have seen that coming. Maybe he’s mellowed too much.

The TARDIS is forced to land in San Francisco in 1999. Unfortunately for the Doctor, he walks straight into a hail of bullets.

Sue: What? He can’t die like that. That’s rubbish! How did he survive this long?

Something leaks out of the TARDIS keyhole onto the floor.

Sue: So the Master is a puddle, now?

Me: Yes.

Sue: How?

Me: I don’t bloody know.

Sue: Well you should bloody know. Being a puddle is definitely a new low for the Master.

The Doctor is examined at the local hospital…

Sue: Typical. You wait ages for a Doctor to get his shirt off and it’s Sylvester bloody McCoy.

Meanwhile, puddle-Master finds its way into a paramedic’s jacket.

Sue: That’s far too big for him. He needs to find a sock.

There’s confusion in the hospital regarding the number of hearts this patient has…

Salinger: We’re getting another machine up. It’ll take about another half hour.

Sue: Just use a ****ing stethoscope, you moron!

Grace Holloway is the cardiologist on call that night, but as she prepares to operate, the Doctor wakes up.

Grace: We’ve already taken out all the bullets, and now we’re going to listen to your heart.

Sue: With a ****ing scalpel? Come on!

Grace’s actions end up killing the Doctor.

Sue: Come on, then. Regenerate. What are you waiting for? I’ll tell you what, though. That was bloody exciting.

It turns out that the Master is actually a translucent cobra…

Sue: How?

Me: For the last time, I don’t know!

The Master rams himself down a paramedic’s throat.

Sue: Not for kids. Or many adults, probably.

As the Master claims his new body, the Doctor regenerates…

Sue: The Frankenstein thing is very clever. You must have loved this, Neil. It’s brilliant.

The eighth Doctor takes his first breath.

Sue: He’ll be chuffed to bits when he finds out that he looks like Paul McGann. Just you wait until he finds a mirror. He won’t be able to tear himself away.

The Doctor kicks down a door in the mortuary.

Me: They should have put the number 8 on that door. I’ve never really forgiven them for that.

The Doctor wanders the hospital in search of his identity…

Sue: It’s beautifully shot. Very modern.

The Doctor finds himself in a disused wing of the hospital.

Sue: Has the hospital been hit by a bomb? Have we missed a scene?

The Doctor: WHOOOOOO AMMMMMM IIIIIIIIIIII?!!!!!

Sue: This is ****ing excellent.

The Doctor finds an inordinately long multi-coloured scarf in a locker…

Sue: What are the chances of that?

Me: Somebody must be going to a fancy dress party as the fourth Doctor. It’s the only explanation.

The Master murders the poor paramedic’s wife…

Sue: So he doesn’t hypnotise people anymore? Even with those green eyes of his? Has he really stopped pissing about and he actually means business this time?

Grace falls out with her boss…

Sue: Grace has a serious pen fetish.

Grace resigns rather than cover-up the Doctor’s mysterious death and disappearance.

Sue: I like Grace. She’s got morals. I also like the work tops in this hospital. Very Farrow & Ball.

Me: Don’t ever change, love.

The Master arrives at the hospital in search of his arch-nemesis…

Sue: It’s turned into The Terminator, now. That’s not really the Master’s style, though, is it? I’m not sure how I feel about this.

The Doctor convinces Grace that he is the same man that she killed the night before, and she agrees to take him home with her. Yes, I know.

Sue: Now this is more like it. Paul McGann with his shirt off.

Me: What do you think of him so far.

Sue: Hmmmmm… What? Sorry, I was distracted by his chest.

Me: I think that answers my question.

Chang Lee finds the Master in the Doctor’s TARDIS.

Sue: What I like about this TARDIS is that it’s really huge but it’s still cosy at the same time. I don’t know why he didn’t keep it like this. Maybe it was a bugger to keep clean.

The Master convinces Chang Lee to help him defeat the Doctor.

Sue: He can never do anything on his own, can he? He always has to team-up with somebody. And I bet he’ll be betrayed at the end. He’s an idiot.

The Doctor and Grace go for a walk. The Doctor remembers Gallifrey and then…

The Doctor: These shoes! They fit perfectly.

Sue: He’s great, isn’t he?

The Master sweetens his deal with Chang Lee with the help of the Doctor’s supply of gold dust.

Sue: Is that in case he runs into any Cybermen?

Me: You complete and utter fan.

Sue: Shut up.

The Master escorts Chang Lee to the TARDIS cloister room, which contains the Eye of Harmony.

Sue: We only saw the Eye of Harmony the other week in the new series. It didn’t look like that.

When the Eye of Harmony opens, the Doctor remembers who he is and kisses Grace…

Me: There was a time when this was controversial.

Sue: Why? It wasn’t a sexy kiss.

The Doctor goes back for seconds.

Sue: OK, now that was a sexy kiss.

Sue’s not bothered, though.

Sue: He does it all the time now. I wonder if he’ll keep doing it if he regenerates into an ugly actor.

The Eye of Harmony shows a projection of the Doctor’s seventh body.

Sue: They should have shown all the Doctors. That was a wasted opportunity.

Me: Seriously, you’ve gone full-blown fan, now.

The Eye shows a projection of the new Doctor.

Chang Lee: He’s so young.

Sue: You ain’t seen nothing yet, mate.

And then the Master drops a bombshell:

The Master: The Doctor is half human!

Sue: Eh? Since when?

I pause the DVD.

Me: What do you make of that, then?

Sue: It makes sense, I suppose.

Me: WHAT?

Sue: Well, he’s obsessed with Earth. He can’t keep away from the place. Why isn’t he saving Mars every week? There has to be a reason for it and that’s a good enough reason as any.

Me: I take it all back, you’re not a fan after all.

Sue: He’s like Spock. Maybe that’s why he left Gallifrey. Maybe all his friends were picking on him for being half-human and he got fed up with it and buggered off?

When we resume, the penny drops for the Doctor…

The Doctor: It’s a trap. Don’t you see? It’s a trap!

Sue: Are the Daleks in on it as well? When are they going to show up?

Grace decides to do a runner.

Sue: He can’t be that good a kisser, then.

But the Doctor has some grave news:

The Doctor: By midnight tonight, this planet will be pulled inside out.

Sue: I really like Grace’s wooden chairs.

The Doctor, Grace, the Master and Chang-Lee all end up in the same ambulance together. However, the road conditions are pretty foul.

Sue: Is the Eye of Harmony making it rain chickens?

The Doctor escapes from the Master and he threatens to shoot himself unless a traffic cop hands over his motorcycle.

Sue: He’s very good, isn’t he? He should have been given a series. It’s not fair.

When a thrilling chase ensures, I sing along to the incidental music.

Sue: I really like the music. There’s a Keffishness to it, with all those der-der-der stings, but it sounds so much better with a proper orchestra. This is what Keff would have sounded like if he’s been given enough money.

And then Sue said this:

Sue: I don’t think that any non-fans would have enjoyed this. It’s too wrapped up in the past to appeal to a new audience. I bet the fans loved it, though.

Me: Do you like it?

Sue: Yes. It’s great.

I’m saying nothing.

The Doctor and Grace arrive at Institute of Technological Advancement and Research…

Me: What I don’t understand is why the Doctor needs a beryllium atomic clock in the first place.

Sue: He needs it to fix his TARDIS. He told us that right at the beginning. Do keep up, Neil.

The Doctor backs up the Master’s claim about his parentage.

The Doctor: I’m half human. On my mother’s side.

Sue: Yes, that definitely makes a lot of sense.

The Doctor and Grace steal the clock and escape with the help of a fire hose.

Sue: I’d have been well chuffed if I was a fan and I saw this in 1996. This is just as good as the new series. Hey, maybe we could do the new series after all?

Me: Don’t you start.

A police motorcycle accidentally ends up in the TARDIS…

Sue: Ha! That was brilliant.

And that’s why we won’t be doing the new series.

Sue: Ooh, it’s the cloister bell. That’s not good.

Grace doesn’t say “It’s bigger on the inside…”

Grace: That would explain the spatial displacement we experienced as we passed over the threshold.

Sue: I love Grace. She’s the perfect companion. She’s funny, clever, and she has impeccable taste in chairs.

The TARDIS ceiling doubles as a planetarium.

Sue: ****ing hell, I bet Matt Smith is well jealous of that.

The Doctor has a plan:

The Doctor: We pre-set the coordinates just as I divert the power from within the Eye itself into the time rotor here.

Me: Are you following this?

Sue: No.

Me: Do you care?

Sue: No.

Grace is possessed by the Master’s spit and she knocks the Doctor unconscious.

Sue: Naughty Daphne. She suits those eyes, though. It’s a good look for her.

The Master has changed into some Gallifreyan robes.

Me: How camp is that!

Sue: You say that as if the Master has never been camp before. And you know that would be silly.

Meanwhile, Earth is partying like it’s 1999…

Sue: And no one mentioned the millennium bug once. How weird is that? The Master should have been responsible for the millennium bug, so when nothing happened, we could have thanked the Doctor. That would have been a much better story.

The Master chews the scenery…

Me: You must admit that he’s a bit over the top.

Sue: And John Simm wasn’t? Give your head a shake, lad.

The Master kills Chang Lee in a fit of pique.

Sue: Oh no! I really liked him. He was a likeable Adric.

Me: Likeable? He was working for the Master, he stole the Doctor’s things, and he tried to shoot some poor sod with a handgun in the first five minutes.

Sue: He was still more likeable than Adric.

The Master sucks his evil spit out of Grace with a kiss.

Sue: Blimey, they’re all at it, now.

As the Master steals the Doctor’s remaining lives, Grace tries to turn the TARDIS into an alarm clock.

Grace: Temporal orbit? What’s a temporal orbit?

Me: Come on, Sue. What’s a temporal orbit?

Sue: It’s probably a place where time stands still so you can make things better. Something like that.

Me: Oh, for ****’s sake. I can’t tell if you are taking the piss or not.

Sue: I’m barley following what is going on but it’s very exciting.

The Doctor and the Master fight to the death and the Master is sucked into the Eye of Harmony.

Sue: Are you sure the Master wasn’t a pole dancer in an earlier life?

The Doctor places the corpses of Grace and Chang Lee on the TARDIS floor and then the time machine brings them back to life.

Sue: Is the TARDIS letting them regenerate? It looks like the same fairy dust they use in the new series.

Me: Yes, but if the TARDIS can bring the Doctor’s dead friends back to life, doesn’t that beg the obvious question?

Sue: Oh yeah. Maybe the TARDIS hated Adric as well. Or maybe you can only do this in a temporal orbit.

Me: Actually, that does make sense. Thanks. It’s only taken 17 years.

The TARDIS travels back to San Francisco on New Year’s Eve…

Sue: If that’s Stanley Park in Vancouver, I’ve played golf there.

The Doctor asks Grace to come with him but she turns him down.

Sue: What? Is she mad? Go with him!

The Doctor returns to his TARDIS.

Sue: She’ll run in after him. She has to.

The TARDIS dematerialises…

Sue: What has she got to look forward to? A flat with no furniture and no job, that’s what.

Me: Brian did leave her some very nice chairs.

Damn, she’s got me doing it now.

The Doctor and his TARDIS fly off into the vortex for a series of new adventures (coming soon from Big Finish).

Sue: Nice.

Cue credits…

Me: So, do you think Paul McGann counts?

Sue: Of course he ****ing counts. Why wouldn’t he?

The Final Final Score

Sue: I really enjoyed that. The plot wasn’t very good, and the casual viewer wouldn’t have known (or cared) what was going on half the time – but what a great way to finish. Paul McGann should have been given a series. He would have been wonderful.

9/10

Me: What do you think they have called it instead of The TV Movie?

Sue: Grace.

Me: Come here and give us a kiss.

I switch off the TV.

Me: It’s over. We’re free.

Sue: Are we?

Me: Yes.

Sue: What shall we do?

Me: Dunno.

The experiment has ended.

There will be one final update at the end of May where I will ask Sue to sum up her experiences of this mad, crazy thing that we just did. If you would like to ask her a question (audio would be nice but we’ll take anything we can get) please send them via our contact form by Monday May 20th. Thanks.

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who: Revisitations Box Set – Volume 1 (The Caves Of Androzani / The Talons Of Weng-Chiang / Doctor Who – The Movie) [DVD] [1974]

Price: £15.50

(46 customer reviews)

I lost the transcript to Sue’s review of Marco Polo down the back of the sofa, so you’ll have to make do with this instead:

Yeah, we didn’t watch Marco Polo, although given how long it took us to reconstruct the reconstruction, we probably should have. We were going to watch it, I swear. I even got as far as placing the recon in the DVD player, at which point I snapped…

Me: Why are we doing this?

Sue: I thought that was my line?

Me: I can’t do this to you. You’ve suffered enough. After everything you’ve been though, forcing seven recons on you feels like we’re stepping over the line into abuse. I love you too much for that. Downtime was bad enough but this… this is insane. It’s time for Paul McGann.

Sue: So you’ve given up?

Me: I admit it. I can’t do it anymore.

Sue: We should watch it.

Me: Do you want to watch it?

Sue: No, of course not. I’d rather watch All Creatures Great and Small.

Me: Then we’re not watching it, and that’s final.

Sue: Won’t people be upset?

Me: Sod the completists. You’ve seen more episodes than most of them anyway. Like you’ll suddenly change your mind about William Hartnell after seven more recons. You’ll probably end up hating him even more! No, enough is enough.

Sue: I feel bad about it, though.

Me: Here – if you’re that interested in Marco Polo, read this…

Me: So, what did you think?

Sue: One of the episodes didn’t have any pictures. That was annoying.

I had planned to finish this update with The Underwater Menace Part Two (and we’re not even supposed to have a copy of that), mainly so Sue could have ended this experiment having watched more episodes than you have.

Sue: I wouldn’t have minded watching that one.

Me: Do you want to watch a recovered Patrick Troughton episode out of context so I can parade you around the Internet like a freak?

Sue: It’s a bit late to start worrying about that now, Neil.

The good news is that All Creatures Great and Small was bloody excellent.

Next…

We’ll be watching The TV Movie this Bank Holiday Monday (which feels appropriate) and if you want to watch it with us, we’ll be sticking it on at 9pm GMT. Then I have to finish the book (these two events happen to dovetail very nicely) and then I’m taking Sue away for the weekend to recover. I will write up Sue’s final Doctor Who review when I get back and I hope to publish it on Monday 13th May.

Of course Nicol had to bake a special cake to mark the occasion…

A Wife in Space retrospective will be posted a week or two later (I have something very special planned for that) and if you’d like to ask Sue a question about our insane experiment (audio or text) please send it via our contact form. The deadline for your questions is Monday May 20th and the best three questions will win a signed copy of our book.

The experiment is almost over…

Adventures with Nicol at St James’s Park?

Speaking of Nicol, she came up with an interesting idea that may or may not be worth pursuing…

I hate football and I have zero interest in the sport. Nicol is obsessed with Newcastle FC and has been ever since I met her. Nicol wants to convert me to the beautiful game (payback for all those episodes of Doctor Who I put her through) and I thought there might be some mileage in the (football) boot being on the other foot for a change.

Sadly, I’m skint at the moment and I can’t begin to think about buying a season ticket (even if Newcastle are relegated this season – and that’s entirely possible – the price remains the same!) and that’s when I thought I might be able to work for my ticket…

The plan (if successful) is for the pair of us to release a minimum of 19 audio podcasts during the 2013/14 football season – one for every home game. Each podcast would be approximately 15-30mins in length and it would include Nicol introducing me to the offside rule, match reports, vox pops with the fans, and other stuff that I’m sure I’ll be able to work out once I get into the swing of things. Will I catch the football bug? Will I ever care if Newcastle lose 6-0 at home? And will I bother to learn French so I can hurl abuse at their players?

UPDATE: We’ve received enough votes to make this a tenable proposition. Watch this space.

Sue: So what are you putting me through tonight?

Me: Tonight I’m going give you a taste of how desperate Doctor Who fans were in 1995.

Sue: A desperate Doctor Who fan. Sounds wonderful.

Me: So I’m going to show you a fan film.

Sue: Haven’t I suffered enough?

Me: The fans grew tired of waiting for the BBC to bring Doctor Who back, so they did it themselves. Fans are like that.

Sue: But how could they afford it? Kickstarter didn’t exist back then. They must have had more money than sense.

Downtime

Downtime‘s pre-title sequence takes place at the Det-sen monastery in Tibet, where Victoria Waterfield has apparently come for a holiday…

Sue: Is that really Victoria or is it just somebody who looks like her? They couldn’t possibly afford her, could they?

Incredibly, Sue also recognises James Bree, who is playing a Lama.

Sue: He was in All Creatures Great and Small last night. He was a very nice man who kept a stray dog. I like him.

It’s true, Sue and I are making our way through All Creatures… (Adventures with the Wife in Darrowby) in an attempt to cushion the come down when this experiment finishes in a week or two. However, I am getting a little tired of her crying every time an animal injures itself, which is practically every five minutes. Oh, and I turn off the episodes before Peter Moffatt’s name appears. She loves it.

Lama: You have travelled a long dark journey.

Sue: How long?

Me: That doesn’t work here, love.

Sue: It’s nicely lit. There’s plenty of atmosphere, I’ll give it that.

A disembodied voice wants to be set free…

Sue: Is it the Master?

Me: No.

Sue: Is it the Doctor?

Me: Definitely not.

Sue: Is it the Great Intelligence?

Me: Might be.

The Great Intelligence: Find me the Locus!

Sue: What does he want with a locust?

And then Sue spots Ian Levine’s associate producer credit…

Sue: Ah, so that’s how they could afford to make this: Ian Levine. It all makes sense now. Good old Ian. At least he was trying, bless him.

15 years later, on a houseboat…

Sue: Oh dear, this looks cheap. Is it shot on SVHS? It looks like we’re watching somebody’s home movies.

Kate Stewart is being hassled by chillies.

Kate: Bloody chillies! Leave us alone!

Sue: What has she got against them?

Me: They’re deranged students.

Sue: OK. Fair enough. I know how she feels.

And then…

Sue: Is that… it can’t be the… is it the…? It’s the Brig!

The Brigadier is on the astral plane…

Sue: Is it supposed to look like this or is this a really bad copy?

The Brigadier finds a footprint and a sign in the sand.

Sue: Ooh, it’s the Yeti in the Underground. They keep mentioning this in the new series.

At the New World University in East Anglia, a DJ is spouting nonsense…

Me: I bet you can’t guess who that is.

Sue: Is it Mark Ayres?

Me: No, it’s K9.

Sue: And how the hell was I supposed to know that, you idiot?

A student named Daniel Hinton has logged onto the university server…

Sue: This is you in the university language labs in 1995. He’s probably on some Doctor Who forum complaining about there not being any new Doctor Who for him to complain about.

And then…

Sue: Sarah Jane! Bloody hell, is everybody in this? Ian Levine must have been loaded. Oh no… Benton isn’t in this, is he?

Sarah Jane is met by the university’s Marketing Facilitator, Christopher Rice.

Sue: It’s Ian Levine! He’s cast himself in it!

Sue has a few issues with Downtime‘s sound…

Sue: They can afford all these guest stars but they can’t afford a boom. I know it’s 1995 but this sounds awful.

Sarah Jane: You’ve got fingers in more pies than Robert Maxwell.

Sue: Ooh, topical.

Victoria keeps a large silver sphere in a box on her desk.

Sue: Either that’s a really big worry ball or it’s definitely the Yeti. Their balls are well scary.

Christopher: With no official records of Lethbridge-Stewart, one could easily imagine that he was dead.

Sue: Has the bloke in the jumper got a magic ring? Because he can’t stop playing with it.

Daniel Hinton is browsing the university’s computer network when something strange happens…

Sue: One minute he’s on the Internet and the next minute he’s got white sticky stuff all over his hands. I’m saying nothing… But this is definitely you in 1995.

Victoria tells Sarah that the university’s Chancellor is currently off-site.

Victoria: He has taken the path of truth.

Sue: Why can’t she just say that he’s on sabbatical like everyone else?

A Yeti sphere is sent after Daniel…

Sue: Balls that move on their own terrify the life out of me.

Me: Remind me never to show you Phantasm.

Daniel is cornered by Christopher.

Daniel: It’s a sham! The whole thing!

Sue: Your degree is completely useless!

Back on the astral plane, the Brigadier is visited by Victoria, who is dressed in black shawl…

Sue: That reminds me, I must get my pension sorted.

Sue begins to struggle with Marc Platt’s multi-layered script.

Sue: I haven’t got a clue what’s going on, but God bless them, they’re giving it a bloody good go.

The Brigadier: I thought I was in Cromer.

Sue: That’s a reference to something else because I remember making a joke about chromakey ages ago. It’s definitely one for the fans, this.

The Brig is still teaching.

Sue: Did Doris chuck him out of his big house? Was he playing away from home again?

Me: That hasn’t happened yet.

Sue: Eh?

The Brig checks his answer phone messages.

Message: Greyhound is asked to call Trap Six.

Sue: Has Benton called for a chat? Is he lonely?

Kate Stewart is the Brigadier’s daughter…

Sue: Haven’t we met his daughter before?

Me: Yes, quite recently in fact. She’s played by Jemma Redgrave now and she works for UNIT. She’s in the 50th anniversary special, I think.

Sue: So does this count, then?

Me: It counts as much as you want it to, love.

When Victoria walks into the university’s computer lab, the students stand up and applaud.

Me: This is what happens when you walk into one of your lectures, isn’t it, love?

Sue: I really don’t like this Christopher person. He’s not a great actor. He obviously put loads of money into this. It’s the only explanation I can think of for him being in it.

A tramp befriends Daniel…

Me: That’s the Master.

Sue: Is it?

Me: He played the Master when he was a decaying mess and his TARDIS was a statue that could sit down and fire laser bolts from its eyes. Do you remember that?

Sue: Yes, I do, actually. So is he really the Master?

Me: No.

The Brigadier in stuck in traffic. Victoria appears to him once again…

Sue: Did Scottish Widows put some money into this? Is this early product placement?

And then the Brigadier shoots a Yeti in the face.

Sue: EH?

Christopher Rice plays with his ring as he taunts Victoria…

Sue: You can’t have a villain in a ****ing jumper! If you are going to take over the world, you can’t wear a crap jumper from Primark. You have to make more of an effort than that.

Professor Travers has returned from the dead…

Me: He was in The Abominable Snowmen and The Web of Fear. Do you remember?

Sue: Not really. Oh look! People queuing for a phone box. You never see that anymore.

Sarah Jane: What have Yeti got to do with it?

Sue: Sarah Jane never met a Yeti, did she?

Me: Maybe the Doctor told her about them over tea and crumpets one night.

Sue: Or maybe the Brigadier kept banging on about them? I bet he did.

The Brigadier is accosted by some chillies, but when the tramp comes to his rescue, there’s a case of mistaken identity…

The Brigadier: Is that you? Have you changed yourself again?

Sue: Does he think he’s the Doctor?

Me: Yes.

Sue: Is he the Doctor?

Me: No.

Sue: So where is the Doctor?

Me: He’s not allowed to be in this.

Sue: Have the Time Lords stopped him?

Me: No. BBC copyright stopped him.

Sue: I keep expecting Sylvester McCoy to turn up.

If I showed her a version of Downtime where Sylvester McCoy did turn up, she’d probably kill me. That’s if Ian Levine didn’t get to me first.

The Brigadier recovers on his daughter’s houseboat…

Sue: That’s a lovely boat. Very cozy. Could you live on a boat like that?

Me: You’ve made me live in worse places.

Sue: Wrong answer.

Me: I’d live anywhere with you, love.

Sue: That’s better.

The Great Intelligence is searching for a Yeti-shaped chess piece…

Sue: That makes sense. The Great Intelligence loves a good game of chess.

A Yeti appears on Kate’s boat and all hell breaks loose.

Sue: This must have been a nightmare to direct. The Brigadier’s head is touching the ceiling!

The Yeti legs it with the Locus.

Sue: Awww. He just wanted his toy back.

Kate tells the Brigadier that he’s a grandfather…

Sue: It’s an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show set on a barge.

Back at the university, Christopher stamps on the Locus…

Sue: He’s not even wearing decent shoes. For ****’s sake. So is the Great Intelligence free now?

Me: I don’t know.

Sue: What do you mean, you don’t know?

Me: I’m completely lost. Sorry.

Sue: You will be.

Victoria: We were tricked. It was the Intelligence all the time!

Sue: She never was the sharpest tool in the box.

Kate reluctantly picks up her father’s gun…

Sue: It’s odd that she appears to resent her dad for working for UNIT and yet she ends up working for them herself. How does that happen? And does this mean she’ll end up doing the same thing to her son?

Daniel tells the Brigadier that he is “the ghost in the machine”.

Sue: This is even more complicated than last Saturday’s Doctor Who!

The university computer lab is full of comatose students covered in cobwebs…

Sue: This is what it looked like when you used to finish one of your lectures, love.

The Brigadier and Daniel reach the bowels of the university.

Sue: Why hasn’t the Brigadier said “I wish the bloody Doctor would come and help”?

Me: I don’t think they could even mention his name.

Sue: He could have said, “I could do with a madman in a blue box right about now”. That would have been enough.

The Yeti and UNIT fight it out on the university’s lawn…

Sue: Is that Benton?

Me: No.

The UNIT solider is slapped down by a Yeti and killed.

Sue: I’m going to pretend that it’s Benton.

Kate tries to offload her dad’s gun on Sarah Jane.

Sarah Jane: I’m a rotten shot. You hang onto it.

Me: That’s not right. Pyramids of Mars. Just saying.

Sue: Nerd.

The Brigadier is captured by the Great Intelligence, but he still manages to give Sarah the instructions she needs to save the day.

The Brigadier: Your power goes no further than the mainframe on this campus. All anyone has to do is to pull the plug.

Sue: The Brig is basically playing the part of the Doctor. I can live with that. You know, I’m quite impressed with the direction. There are loads of extras and these camera moves are very nice. It’s just a shame about the plot.

Kate shoots the Great Intelligence at point-blank range…

Sue: Ah, so that’s where she gets her taste for guns from. It all makes sense now.

Christopher is killed by a Yeti, who is actually Daniel (oh do keep up).

Sue: I hope no one wears a suit to his funeral.

And then the Great Intelligence is defeated.

Sue: See you in 2013, you dick!

The Brigadier and Sarah are reunited.

Sue: Awww, that’s sweet.

Sarah Jane: I still don’t know what’s going on!

Sue: If they don’t know what’s going on, what hope do I have? Who wrote this?

Me: Marc Platt. He wrote Ghost Light as well.

Sue: That didn’t make any sense, either. Give your head a shake, Marc!

Victoria walks back into her university.

Me: She’s got to deal with a Quality Assurance Exercise next week, the poor cow.

Downtime ends with the Brigadier meeting his grandson, Gordon, for the first time…

Sue: That kid will turn out to be completely ****ed up. I’m just saying.

Downtime is dedicated to Douglas Camfield.

Sue: Poor Douglas. God knows what he would have made of that.

The Final Score

Sue: That wasn’t too bad. It was a good effort. If I was marking that as a student film I’d probably give it a high 2:1. I’d have to knock marks off for the bad sound, terrible acting and the awful script, but it was a bloody good attempt. And it was lovely – if a bit sad – to see the Brig and Sarah Jane back again.

Me: Are you going to give it a mark?

Sue: Does it count?

Me: Sort of.

Sue: In that case I’ll sort of give it:

6/10

My wife just scored a fan film higher than The Robots of Death and Snakedance. My God, what have I done?

The experiment continues…

Right to Reply

Here’s an unexpected treat. The Flashing Blade Podcast have turned the tables on Sue. Or as my wife said when she listened to it last night: It’s all gone a bit meta.

Many thanks to Siobhan Gallichan and Kevin for that. You can check out more of their work at The Flashing Blade Podcast.

Coming Soon

And speaking of unexpected treats…

Me: It’s 1993.

Sue: A very special year.

Me: Yes, it’s Doctor Who‘s 30th anniversary.

Sue: It was the year you met me, you idiot.

Me: Oh yes. Funnily enough, we did meet 20 years ago this month, but forget about that – this is Doctor Who‘s 30th anniversary.

Sue: So what I am watching tonight? And why have you been so nice to me today?

I tell her how, in a parallel universe, BBC Enterprises made a multi-Doctor special called The Dark Dimension, and even though it wasn’t very good, it was still better than what we ended up with in this universe.

Sue: Is this the one with the 3D glasses?

Talking of special equipment, I’ve brought a bottle of Jack Daniels along for this one.

Me: Every time you don’t recognise somebody, you must have a drink.

Sue: Oh no. You know what my memory is like. You cannot be serious.

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. And if not, you’ll get smashed.

Part One

We begin in Crinkley Bottom…

Sue: Good old Noel Edmonds. Thank God he hasn’t been arrested for anything dodgy yet.

Me: Yeah, not even Noel’s House Party.

Noel has a visitor.

Sue: Jon Pertwee looks well. Did this go out live?

Me: Yes.

Sue: You can tell.

The Doctor: (to Noel) I’ve seen you in the year 2010. You’re still on television.

Sue: Yeah, you’re doing this game show called Deal or No Deal. It’s shit but the grannies seem to like it.

The Doctor and Noel prepare to introduce the Doctor’s new adventure…

Sue: Oh, so this isn’t the actual thing yet?

Me: No, this is just the introduction.

Sue: Oh thank God for that. I was wondering how they could string this out for 15 minutes.

Noel Edmonds: And remember, you can influence the outcome.

Sue: It’s 3D and it’s interactive? This is years ahead of its time, you know. Have we got any 3D glasses?

Me: No.

Sue: Would you like me to get some?

Me: No.

Dimensions in Time begins in the Rani’s TARDIS. She recognises the Rani but she doesn’t know who Cyrian is.

Sue: I don’t remember him at all. He looks like one of Duran Duran’s Wild Boys.

Me: It’s Keifer Sutherland.

Sue: Is it? Bloody hell, so it is.

Me: They wanted Sir Ian McKellen but they had to settle for a young Keifer Sutherland instead. Well, it is the 30th anniversary so they had to pull out all the stops. Now have a drink for not recognising him.

Sue: The Rani has carpeted her TARDIS. That’s nice.

The disembodied heads of the first two Doctors fly past…

Sue: Has the Rani decapitated the Doctors? What a bitch!

Cue titles…

Sue: They got Orbital to do the music. That’s nice.

Me: They didn’t get Orbital to do the ****ing music. Now take another drink for getting it wrong.

Sue: It’s a bit speedy, this. And the music is a bit fast too.

Me: Are you drunk already?

Sue: You know what I’m like with spirits. This has got honey in it and it’s going down a treat.

The Fourth Doctor sends out a warning…

Sue: Don’t worry, Tom. All you have to do is sit in a sound booth. No, you won’t even have to stand up, you lazy bastard. Still, at least he actually turned up this time.

The Fourth Doctor: Two of my earlier selves have already been snared in her vicious trap. The grumpy one and the flautist.

Sue: Flautist? He played the recorder. Even I know that.

The Fourth Doctor is in pain.

Sue: His IBS is kicking in.

The Seventh Doctor and Ace arrive at the Cutty Sark in 1973…

Sue: About time. He’s the proper Doctor at this point, not Tom ‘I can’t really be arsed’ Baker.

Suddenly there’s a flash (“Very cheap”) and then Ace finds herself in the East End of London with the Sixth Doctor. There’s a lot for Sue to process and the penny only drops when…

Sue: Gita! It’s Gita and Sanjay from EastEnders!

Me: Finally, she gets it.

Another flash and the Sixth Doctor and Ace are replaced by the Third Doctor and…

Sue: That’s Bonnie Langford. I should have got that wrong on purpose; I need a drink when Bonnie is on screen.

The Third Doctor doesn’t know where he is.

The Third Doctor: Excuse me, my good woman, but what year ith thith?

Sue: Is that Pauline Fowler? I don’t remember her looking like that.

The Third Doctor: MADAM, WHAT YEAR ITH THITH?

Sue: He desperately needs some new dentures.

Pauline, Kathy and Me: TWO FAUSAND AND FIRTEEN!

Sue: Hang on, they should be dead. Pauline and Kathy died years ago. This doesn’t make any sense.

Susan Foreman arranged to meet Ian and Barbara for a quick pint at the Queen Vic, but they are nowhere to be seen…

Sue: That’s Susan. Phew, what a relief.

A shot avoided.

Sue: She’s aged well. Shame I can’t say the same for Colin.

And then Sue has two more famous faces to contend with…

Sue: OK, that’s Sarah Jane Smith – awwww – and… ****ing hell! What’s happened to Sharon? She looks a right clip.

Sue downs another drink without having to be told.

Sue: I do hope Adric comes back. I miss Adric.

She becomes very nostalgic all of a sudden…

Sue: It’s fascinating to see Albert Square twenty years ago. I can see how everything has changed over the years. I’m really enjoying this. It takes me right back.

The Fifth Doctor is joined by two companions…

Sue: OK, that’s Peri and the other one is… don’t tell me… I know this… ahhhhh! Oh I give up. Who is she?

Me: It’s Nyssa. Now have another drink.

Sue: Since when did Nyssa start working in a bank? Hey! It’s Fat Pat! This special is full of dead people.

And it’s not just dead people…

Sue: Hey! That dog is supposed to be dead!

No, she’s not talking about Roly, she’s pointing at Fifi the Stigorax.

Sue: I really like the direction.

Me: Right, I definitely need a drink.

Sue: The camera movement is lovely. I haven’t got a clue what’s going on, though. Can nobody see these things or do they think there’s a Doctor Who convention in the Queen Vic?

Part One concludes with the Rani triumphant…

The Rani: You’re all going on a long journey.

Me: How long?

The Rani: A very long journey.

We return to Crinkley Bottom…

Sue: Sylvester McCoy should be doing these bits, not Jon Pertwee.

Sue casts her vote from Mandy. And then we both have another stiff drink.

Sue: It’s not very good, is it? If I were you, I would have been worried at this point.

Me: I can laugh about it now, but at the time it felt like a dagger to the heart.

Sue: So you didn’t watch Part Two, then?

Me: Of course I bloody did. And so are you. Nice try, though.

Part Two

We begin with a quick recap…

The Rani: You’re all going on a long journey.

Sue: How long?

The Rani: A very long journey.

Me: Nicely done. You are definitely getting the hang of this now.

Mandy comes to the rescue…

Sue: Yes, Mandy the slapper came good in the end. I bet Big Ron must have been gutted. I wonder if he had any lines?

The Third Doctor is joined by Liz Shaw.

Me: Who’s that?

Sue: Erm…

The Third Doctor: No Liz, you mustn’t.

Sue: Liz.

Me: Too late. Drink up.

Suddenly, a car comes hurtling into the square…

Sue: It’s Betsy. Oh no, that isn’t Benton driving her, is it? No, it’s OK. It’s the other one. The one you can’t trust.

Mike drives the Third Doctor away.

Sue: Keffing hell. Give me the whole bottle.

The Doctor is taken to a waiting helicopter…

Sue: So that’s where the budget went. Oh it’s the Brig. Yay!

Me: This is the only time that the Sixth Doctor and the Brigadier meet on television.

Sue: It was hardly worth it, was it? Awww, I always feel a bit sad when I see the Brigadier.

Two giant babies are prowling Walford. They find a Time Lady taking a dump in their garage.

Romana: Have you seen the Doctor?

Phil Mitchell: Doctor Legg is the only doctor round here, love.

Romana: Doctor who?

Sue: I bet Steven Moffat loves Dimensions in Time. It’s timey-wimey and it’s got his favourite joke in it.

Frank Butcher: Well, I’ve seen them thrown out of the Vic, but never dragged in.

Sue: FRANK!

Sue is definitely pissed. You could say that she’s pickled like a gherkin in a jar. Oh, please yourselves.

Meanwhile, at the Cutty Sark…

Victoria: Who was that terrible woman?

Sue: Yes, who is that terrible woman? That one, there.

Me: If you don’t know her name, you know what you have to do.

She almost gets the next one right…

Sue: Pocahontas.

Me: Close. It’s Leela, but it’s an easy mistake to make. You don’t need to have a drink for that one.

Sue: Wanna bet?

The Seventh Doctor is joined by…

Sue: K9!

Me: Yes, but which version?

Sue: Oh, **** off.

The Seventh Doctor: I’m trying to overload the Rani’s computer, enhance the power of the time tunnel to pull her TARDIS in and not me.

Sue: Does anybody actually understand this? Sober, I mean.

Me: No.

Sue: It’s a shambles. The BBC should have lost the rights to make Doctor Who when this went out.

Before we know it, Dimensions in Time is over.

Sue: No wonder you were in such a foul mood that week in 1993. I didn’t think it was that bad. It was just a bit of fun. But you must have found it really painful to watch. Oh well, Doctor Who came back in the end. Everything worked out fine. And it could have been worse. It could have been Coronation Street.

Me: What mark are you going to give it?

Sue: Does it count?

Me: No.

Sue: There’s your answer.

If you feel compelled to watch Dimensions in Time again after that, I strongly suggest that you watch the version that includes the Production Notes. They are very enlightening…

I can’t leave it there. That would be cruel. Plus Sue is half-cut and it would be a shame to stop now.

Me: OK, so two days after they broadcast that abomination, BBC1 screened a documentary about Doctor Who.

Sue: That’s nice, dear.

Me: But I can’t find a copy.

Sue: Oh, that’s a shame. Stick Game of Thrones on.

Me: But I’ve got a copy of the extended version, which was released on VHS the following year.

Sue: So is it 1994 now?

Me: Yes.

Sue: In that case, the honeymoon period is definitely over.

More Than 30 Years in the TARDIS

A working knowledge of this documentary will help you follow this. And even then it might be tricky.

Jon Pertwee: I had a great belief that it was much more frightening to stay on Earth. That all the threats should come to Earth.

Sue: I don’t usually agree with Jon Pertwee but he’s dead right, you know.

Toyah: I really enjoyed the tantalising fear and I really believed what I was watching.

Sue: Is that Toyah Willcox’s voice?

Me: Yes.

Sue: Just checking. This Jack Daniels is very strong.

The pre-titles sequence features a re-enactment of the Auton invasion of Ealing Broadway…

Sue: That was a great moment. Terror of the Autons. Are you impressed that I know that?

Me: It’s Spearhead from Space actually, but yes, I’m still impressed, oddly.

Sue: This opening sequence is very nicely done. You can tell that some effort has gone into this.

Nicholas Courtney: The Doctor can only regenerate 12 times. Then it really is the end.

Sue: What will they do after that? Will Doctor Who have to finish? They’d better make sure the last two Doctors last as long as possible.

Toyah: Four episodes into the new Doctor Who, I’d forgotten who William Hartnell was.

Sue: You and me both, love.

The First Doctor: Oh, so you’re my replacements – a dandy and a clown.

Sue: A scruffy drunk and a Tory.

Patrick Troughton: The way I made it serious was by making him a bit of a clown to start with.

Sue: I didn’t realise that Patrick Troughton was so posh. Pour me another drink.

Lowrie Turner: Clothes are obviously very important to Doctor Who. I don’t know where he gets them from. Somewhere in space.

Sue: I bet you fancied her, whoever she is.

Me: I did not!

Sue: She’s like the other posh bird that you fancy. You know, the one who married the one from Peep Show. Pour me another one, you bastard.

Eric Saward: He was very much James Bond.

Sue: I definitely would have shagged Eric back in the day.

Me: That’s your last drink.

The Fourth Doctor: Even the sonic screwdriver won’t get me out of this one.

Sue: Matt Smith would be ****ed without his sonic screwdriver. He never stops waving it about.

Frazer Hines: It’s such a sad thing that the BBC doesn’t have in its archives Doctor Who from day one.

Sue: Yes, it is ****ing sad, love. I still had to sit through them, though, didn’t I?

Ian Levine: If I’d been a day later, we would have lost the very first Dalek story.

Sue: I love Ian Levine. He’s my hero.

Me: Right, you can’t have anything alcoholic to drink for another year.

Sue: Ooh look, it’s Valerie Singleton.

Me: No it isn’t, it’s Carole Anne Ford.

Anne Diamond: The question we asked was: Who created the Daleks?

Sue: Davros. Even I know that.

Nick Owen: And the answer is writer Terry Nation.

Sue: Terry ****ing Nation!

Jon Pertwee: Are you sure that Terry Nation invented the Daleks?

Sue: See!

Alan Whicker: Now television offers its rewards.

Sue: Terry ****ing Nation in his big ****ing house.

Ray Cusick: And I never saw Terry again.

Sue: Poor Raymond. Do you think he still feels bitter about it?

Me: He died very recently. I think his last words were “Terry ****ing Nation”.

Jon Pertwee: Answer: Davros.

Sue: See!

Jon Pertwee: The inventor of the Daleks was Terry Nation!

Anne and Nick: Yay!

Sue: Oh, **** off. Actually, Jon Pertwee really impressed me, there. He made a point of telling them that Ray was ripped off by Terry. I bloody love him for that.

Ben Aaronovitch: It wasn’t as if it was a concealed subtext in the story. It was right there out in the open.

Sue: I love Ben. I bet he’s a really nice bloke. I’d love to go for a pint with Ben.

Toyah: It was wonderfully perverse. It was red PVC.

Sue: I had one of those Dalek suits. Or maybe it was Gary’s? Either way, we weren’t that impressed with it. It stank. It was a shit Christmas present.

The Peter Cushing movies are given some coverage…

Sue: I remember when you made me watch that bloody film on my own, you bastard. It was rubbish. Apart from Bernard. I liked Bernard.

END OF PART ONE

Sue: I remember those Ice Lollies. I probably just chucked my cards in the bin, though.

Meanwhile, on Pebble Mill at One…

Sue: I loved Pebble Mill at One. I watched it every day. I came home from school for my dinner and I never missed an episode. I probably saw this at the time.

A Cyberman approaches a window pane.

Sue: He just knocks it over.

The Cyberman just knocks it over.

Sue: I knew it! I knew bloody knew it! I told you that I’ve seen this before! My memory isn’t that bad after all.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that she probably saw it on one of the several thousand DVD extras I’ve made her watch over the last two years.

Toyah: I have to say I remember the Cybermen because I thought they were particularly sexy. Because they were so masculine. And there they were in these fetish suits.

Sue: Too much information, Toyah. But I know what you mean.

The Fifth Doctor traps a Cybermen in a door.

Sue: Earthshock. That was a good one. I remember that one a lot.

Terrance Dicks: The colour for monsters is Gween.

Sue: Who’s idea was it to get Terrance to talk about wobots and gween things? Whoever it was, they were definitely taking the piss.

Mike Gatting: It was really quite frightening.

Sue: What’s Mike Gatting got to do with Doctor Who?

Me: **** knows.

Gerry Anderson: But the real tragedy of my life is that my son Jamie is…

Sue: Gay.

Gerry Anderson: …a Doctor Who fan.

Sue: Same thing.

Elisabeth Sladen: There’s a whole new audience. It’s so exciting.

Sue: Awww, her daughter is wearing her costume from Dimensions in Time. That’s sweet.

Valerie Singleton: I should think that Doctor Who is in quite a lot of trouble in his next adventure.

Sue: It’s Valerie Singleton again. The War Machines were ****ing useless, weren’t they?

And then…

Sue: RULA LENSKA!

Nicola Bryant: To reaffirm the patently obvious?

Sue: Was that the first time Colin realised that Nicola wasn’t really American?

Me: I’ve changed my mind. Have another drink.

Nicholas Courtney: Three companions have met untimely deaths on their travels through time and space.

Sue: Those two don’t count. Only Adric counts.

Me: Well, he was a mathematician.

Sue: Aww, it’s the Brig. Twice in one night. I’m a very lucky girl.

The Brigadier: Brigadier now. I’ve gone up in the world.

Sue: He was so bloody handsome back then.

We are treated to an exciting UNIT montage. But when Benton does that thing with his fingers from The Mind of Evil…

Sue: TWAT! YOU KILLED IT, LOVE!

Sylvester McCoy: Fifi from Happiness Patrol!

Sue: That dog should be dead. That was the whole point.

Ken Livingstone: The programme has reflected changes in society…

Me: You like Ken, don’t you?

Sue: I do, but I bet I don’t like him as much as you like her arse.

She’s pointing at Zoe’s bum, as seen in The Mind Robber.

Philip Hinchcliffe: I wanted a dynamic role model for the girls who watched the programme.

Me: You almost killed Philip Hinchcliffe, once.

Sue: Yes, and you’ll never let me forget it, will you?

Mary Whitehouse: It’s almost as if they were a bit… sniff… dumb.

Sue: She’s right. Some of it definitely wasn’t for kids.

Mary Whitehouse: The image was left in the mind of the child for a whole week.

Sue: She did have a point. If only she wasn’t so ****ing scary herself.

Meanwhile, Sylvester McCoy and Sophie Aldred are lost in the local Laser Quest…

Sue: I don’t remember this episode at all.

END OF PART TWO.

Romana: Ask it how to handle a woman.

Sue: They were definitely shagging when they did that.

Douglas Adams: The moment you have anything in the script that’s clearly meant to be funny in some way, everybody thinks we can do silly voices and silly walks and so on.

Sue: I definitely would have shagged Douglas Adams.

Me: Right, so that’s Douglas, Eric and Ben. Anyone else?

Sue: I don’t want to shag Ben. I just think he’d be good company in a pub. I’m not that easy.

The next caption troubles her…

Sue: Pakistani Dalek Sketch. This is going to be racist, isn’t it?

Pakistani Dalek: Put it in the curry!

Sue: That was terrible. There was no need for that. It was racist and anti-dog all at the same time.

John Nathan-Turner: We decided on a cricketing motif.

Sue: Now I’d definitely shag Peter Davison, even if I didn’t have all this whisky inside me.

Mike Gatting: If a series was on in the winter and I was on tour, I’d get the wife to tape it for me.

Me: Ah, that’s why Mike Gatting is in it! Of course! The cricket connection.

Sue: So why is Toyah Willcox in it?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a mystery.

It takes us a good five minutes to recover from that…

Sue: Oh this is where they almost killed Ace. I’ve seen this before. It feels like it was only yesterday. We can skip this bit.

Sue adores the ending where the little boy enters the TARDIS…

Sue: This is very sweet. He’s a very bonnie lad.

Me: Seeing the inside of the TARDIS through the doorway like that was a big deal in 1993.

Sue: You were easily pleased back then. It’s good, though. I really like the music.

And then the Brigadier is kidnapped by an Auton…

Sue: Ooh, that was very good.

And then Elizabeth Sladen turns bad…

Sue: Definitely not for kids. I’m surprised she agreed to that.

And then Sue sits through Jon Pertwee’s ‘I Am The Doctor’ with an increasingly incredulous look on her face, and then I stupidly point out that the final person seen in the behind the scenes footage is none other than Gary Downie.

Sue: And it was going so well.

Alan Yentob: You might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment.

Sue: How weird. We were only watching House of Cards last night.

Frazer Hines and Deborah Watling are captured by the Daleks…

The Daleks: We shall return! We shall return! We shall return!

Sue: And they did as well. There was a happy ending after all.

The Fourth Doctor: It’s good, isn’t it?

Sue: Yes, that was very good. Well done, Kevin. They’ll have their work cut out doing a better job than that for the 50th.

Me: Anything else to add before I carry you upstairs?

Sue: Yes, I am very, very drunk.

Next Time?

The next update is completely up to you…

This poll closes on Friday April 26th.

The experiment continues…

You can’t buy Dimensions in Time on DVD – thank heavens – but you can buy More Than 30 Years in the TARDIS. And very nice it is too. Anyway, if you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who: The Legacy Collection (Shada/More Than 30 Years In The TARDIS) [DVD]

Price: £11.00

(33 customer reviews)

Part One

I haven’t told Sue what we’re watching tonight, and I fully expect a cushion in the face.

Sue: That’s what I’m looking for – the bloody exit. So what are we watching this week?

Tom Baker enters the Museum Of The Moving Image Doctor Who exhibit circa 1992.

Sue: Are we watching a Blue Peter special?

As Tom walks through the exhibition, he reels off the names of the Doctor’s enemies.

Tom Baker: Yeti, Gun-dan Robot, Vervoid, Sea Devil, Ice Warrior…

Sue: He’s reading the signs. He can’t remember the monsters’ names and he played the bloody Doctor. I don’t feel bad about forgetting them, now.

And then, completely out of the blue:

Tom Baker: SHADA!

Sue: Oh for ****’s sake. Not ****ing Shada. You promised!

Tom reminisces about the uncompleted story…

Sue: Hasn’t Ian Levine got something to do with this?

Me: No.

And before anybody asks, no, I wouldn’t show her the animated version even if I had a copy. I’m not in the mood for any death threats, thanks.

Sue: For ****’s sake. What is this? Is it a documentary?

Me: No, we’re going to watch Shada, but bits of it are missing.

Sue: Oh, so it’s a recon.

Me: Sort of. You’ll see. Just imagine it’s 1992 and you haven’t seen any new episodes of Doctor Who for three years.

Sue: Sounds wonderful.

Tom Baker: We all cried a lot. We were very sad. Shada, Shada, Shada…

Sue: Oh, get over it. These things happen.

And then the 1970s title sequence kicks in.

Sue: Oh for ****’s sake.

Me: What’s wrong?

Sue: I didn’t think I’d ever have to sit through this title sequence again. We’re going backwards.

Shada begins on a space station…

Sue: The sleeping arrangements in the 200th season of Big Brother leave a lot to be desired.

One of these sleeping men is Skagra.

Sue: Oh, it’s him from Peep Show. The one who isn’t married to the brainy woman who you fancy. You know, the other one.

Skagra does something heinous.

Sue: Is there a missing scene which explains what the hell is going on here? And who is doing the ****ing music?

Me: It’s Keff.

Sue: For ****’s sake.

Me: It’s Keff trying to be Dudley Simpson.

Sue: FOR ****’S SAKE!

The sleeping men begin shaking in their chairs.

Sue: Right, so we are in an airport longue and they are sitting in those chairs that massage you while you’re waiting for your flight. Is that it?

A sphere floats into the air.

Sue: Ah, it’s the Yeti!

Me: It’s not the Yeti.

Sue: But Tom Baker said it was the Yeti, right at the beginning. Are all the old monsters not in this, then? That’s disappointing. What was the point of that?

Sue is brought back down to Earth. Cambridge, to be precise…

Sue: Now this is more like it. We’re outside, on Earth, and there’s no ****ing music. Bliss.

The silence doesn’t last very long, though.

Sue: So Keff has found the oboe setting on his Casio keyboard, has he? It still doesn’t make him Dudley. I bet Dudley is turning in his grave.

Me: Dudley isn’t dead.

Sue: So why not just hire Dudley? This makes no sense at all.

Chris Parsons arrive at St Cedd’s College…

Sue: Nicol went for an interview at Cambridge and they turned her down, the idiots. Oh well, their loss. Maybe if she’d kept her double-barrelled surname, she may have stood a chance.

In Professor Chronotis’ office…

Sue: I wish my university office looked like that. It’s gorgeous.

Chronotis asks Chris Parsons if he’d like a cup of tea.

Sue: Is he a hobbit?

The Professor’s scatterbrained approach to life reminds Sue of someone else.

Sue: He’s very similar to Patrick Troughton. This actor would have been a great Doctor.

Meanwhile, on the Cam…

Sue: This looks lovely.

Me: Doesn’t this ring any bells?

Sue: Yes, you’ve made me watch this before. Why did you make me watch this before?

Me: The Five Doctors. Remember?

Sue: Oh yes, it’s all coming back to me now. Hang on, how can this happen twice?

Me: Well, Shada was never shown on television, so, erm…

Sue: So it doesn’t count?

Me: Well, not really, no.

Sue: SO WHY AM I WATCHING IT?

I change the subject.

Me: Aren’t you happy to see Tom and Lalla back?

Sue: I suppose so. When you have a break from someone you tend to miss them after a while, even if they were getting on your nerves at the time. You’ll understand once we divorce. Were they shagging at this point?

Skagra struts around Cambridge in a ridiculous outfit…

Sue: Well, that’s not conspicuous, is it? Who does he think he is? Gary Glitter?

Suddenly, an elderly Tom Baker interjects from the future:

Tom Baker: Chris Parsons went to the lab and discovered that one of the books that he’d borrowed was written in a totally unknown alphabet.

Sue: That was a bit shit. Is he going to do that all the way through? Oh dear.

The Doctor and Romana arrive at St Cedd’s College, where they met by Wilkins…

Sue: Oh look, it’s Ronnie Corbett.

When our heroes enter the Professor’s office, Sue begins to enjoy herself.

Sue: The script is very funny. I could watch these three all day.

Professor Chronotis is a retired Time Lord.

Sue: Hang on. If he’s been on Earth for hundreds of years, why hasn’t he helped out more? You know, when we were getting invaded by aliens, what the hell was he doing then?

Me: Marking student essays, probably.

Sue: Fair enough. That’s much harder than saving the world.

Skagra catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror.

Sue: Even in the 1970s, that outfit would have turned heads. Only one person could possibly pull a look like that off, and that’s Eddie Izzard.

Skagra confronts Ronnie Corbett…

Sue: Keffing hell! They are just having a conversation, it isn’t a Dalek invasion. Do you really need those bloody stings, Keff? Really?

The Doctor tells Professor Chronotis that he heard strange voices while he was punting.

Chronotis: Oh, undergraduates talking to each other, I expect. I’m trying to have it banned.

Sue: This is now officially the best Doctor Who script ever.

Skagra hitches a lift from a passing motorist…

Sue: Does a man opening a car door really deserve the DER-DER-DER! treatment? And can this villain hypnotise people or does this bloke in the car think he’s pulled?

Skagra takes the car to a nearby field.

Sue: He’s such a cocky bastard. He left the ****ing gate open. I really hate it when people do that.

Skagra enters his invisible spaceship…

Sue: If Tom Baker hadn’t mentioned the invisible spaceship in his introduction, that would have been a nice surprise.

The episode concludes with Tom delivering another piece-to-camera:

Tom Baker: In his invisible spaceship, Skagra absorbed masses of information about me and then informed the Commander of the carrier via the communicator that he would be joining him soon and that the universe should prepare itself. The Commander assured him that all was ready as his image solidified on the spaceship screen.

Sue: Is that it? It looks like they’ve glued some tiles together.

The credits kick in.

Sue: What a shame they didn’t finish it. The Professor is a lovely character. So is that it, then? I’d probably give it a 7 for…

Me: It isn’t over yet. There are five episodes left.

Finally, a cushion in the face.

Part Two

Sue: Actually, I do miss these titles. None of that stupid winking bollocks. And proper music, too.

The Doctor and Romana are discussing the Gallifreyan criminal, Salyavin…

The Doctor: Oh yes. He was a boyhood hero of mine.

Romana: Really, Doctor? A great criminal your hero?

The Doctor: A criminal, yes, but he had such style, such flair, such…

Romana: Panache?

Sue: If they are talking about the villain, then the Doctor needs to give his head a shake. He is anything but stylish.

Me: That’s not Salyavin – that’s Skagra.

Sue: Two silly names beginning with S. I can’t keep up.

The Doctor quizzes Chronotis about a book he borrowed from the Panopticon Archives on Gallifrey, but the Time Lord’s memory isn’t what it used to be.

Chronotis: A sieve! That’s what it is. I’ve got a memory like a sieve!

Sue: Brilliant.

Tom Baker: Chris Parsons told his friend Clare about the book. Clare decided to wait with the book at the lab while Chris went back to the college to find out more about the extraordinary illegible tome.

Sue: I just wish this wouldn’t turn into Jack-a-bloody-nory every five minutes.

The Doctor: (to Chronotis) I’ll be back in two minutes. (to Romana) If I’m not back in two hours, you and the Professor lock yourselves in the TARDIS.

Sue: Brilliant. I really like Shada. We should have watched it sooner.

Skagra has changed into something less comfortable…

Sue: I never thought I’d be happy to see someone dressed like a geography teacher.

Skagra enters Chronotis’ office…

Sue: He should open a tea shop. All he seems to do is make tea.

Chronotis is attacked by Skagra’s sphere.

Sue: Oh no. I really liked him. Shouldn’t he regenerate or something?

And then K9 appears…

Sue: K9! I forgot that K9 was still around. Oh, this gets better and better.

The Doctor runs into Skagra in Cambridge…

The Doctor: I’m not mad about your tailor.

Sue: You should have seen what he was wearing five minutes ago!

Skagra’s sphere pursues the Doctor, who escapes on a bike.

Sue: His wheels could do with some oil.

The Doctor hurtles past some students who are singing Chattanooga Choo-Choo.

Sue: They are so into the song, they didn’t notice the silver ball flying past their faces, the posh twats.

The Doctor leaves his bike behind.

Sue: Does he know that the book has fallen out of his basket?

Me: I don’t think so.

Sue: SO WHY IS HE LEAVING THE BIKE WITH THE BOOK STILL IN THE BASKET? Even though it’s not in the basket. Oh, you know what I mean.

The Doctor is pursued into a back alley (which in my mind reeks of fish and chips), but his exit is blocked by a locked gate.

Sue: Use your sonic screwdriver, you idiot! You’ve still got it at this point, haven’t you?

The Doctor tries to wriggle under the gate instead.

Sue: Is he taking the piss?

Cue credits.

Sue: I’d forgotten how ****ing stupid this Doctor is.

Part Three

Romana arrives in the TARDIS, which scares the sphere off.

Sue: How the hell did she know where to find him?

Tom Baker: Romana explained that K9 had traced the sphere after it had attacked the Professor.

Sue: I wish Tom Baker had been around to answer all my questions like this from the very beginning. Thanks for that.

Meanwhile, on a river bank…

Sue: He’s not a real angler. You can tell by the way he passed that line. He’s never fished in his life before.

Skagra’s sphere attaches itself to the faux-angler’s face.

Sue: You’d try to punch it out of the way, surely? That was badly directed.

The Doctor, Romana and Chris follow Skagra’s sphere to a field…

Sue: It reminds me of floating beach ball. I really hate beach balls.

The Doctor walks into the hull of Skagra’s invisible spaceship.

Sue: It would have been funnier if there were loads of unconscious cows dotted around the field.

K9 confirms that the spaceship is 100 metres long.

The Doctor: That should keep the cows guessing.

Sue: Best line so far. And there have been loads of good lines.

The Doctor notices something on the grass…

Sue: What’s the point of an invisible spaceship if you are going to advertise its presence with a red carpet? Is the bad guy holding an awards ceremony?

Skagra is back in his glad rags again…

Sue: He’s dressed for the after party. Jesus, he’s even wearing a medallion.

K9 and Chris Parsons are locked in the spaceship’s brig…

Sue: Why isn’t he asking K9 scientific questions to pass the time? He should be asking K9 questions about quantum physics and shit instead of moaning.

While Clare is exploring Chronotis’ empty office, she accidentally activates some hidden machinery…

Sue: Oh, he’s got one of those computers that Sarah Jane has.

And then the penny drops…

Sue: I bet this room is a TARDIS. If it is, it’s a very clever idea.

The episode ends with Tom Baker summarising…

Tom Baker: With a fascinating display of illogical logic, I convinced the ship that I was dead in order to secure the release of my companions. The ship agreed, but shut down the oxygen supply. As I sank to the floor gasping for breath, the last thing I heard was the voice of the ship. Dead men do not require oxygen.

Sue: Oh, what a shame. I bet that would have been a great cliffhanger.

Part Four

Sadly, we are unable to bring you Part Four of Shada due to technical difficulties. So here’s Nicol with a quick summary:

Nicol: My mother believes that the monsters look like owls. She then complains to Neil that there are too many gaps in this story and they should watch the animated version instead. Neil refuses to budge.

Tom Baker: I introduced the ship to new concepts including the conceptual geometer from analogue to digital mode…

Nicol: Mother is amused by the reference to an analogue spaceship. When the Professor reappears, she wants to know where Wee Willie Winkie has been all this time. At one point she is convinced that the Professor regenerated into his own body, and even I know that would be silly. My mother then complains that the gaps are covered up too quickly and she doesn’t have enough time to visualise what she’s missing. It’s probably her age.

Tom Baker: In the TARDIS, Skagra was pondering over the book…

Nicol: My mother believes that Tom Baker must have been short of cash when he recorded these links. She can’t understand how a room full of old men could survive for so long without anything to eat. She also believes that the Think Tank sounds like something out of Dollhouse, whatever that is. My mother becomes increasingly annoyed by the number of names beginning with S, and when the monsters turn up, she doesn’t think they were worth the wait. And then, right at the end, she turns to Neil and screams: “Keffing hell!”

Part Five

The Doctor, Chris and K9 escape from the advancing Krarg…

Sue: I don’t think much of the direction. That was a bit cack-handed. And Keff’s music sounds nothing like Dudley’s. This shouldn’t have been allowed.

Tom Baker plugs an exceptionally large gap in the narrative…

Sue: It’s becoming more and more difficult to keep up with what’s going on. Nice explosion, though.

Professor Chronotis and Clare bond in his office…

Sue: These two should have had their own spin-off series. She’s basically his Sarah Jane.

And then Chronotis’ eyes turn a funny shade of green.

Sue: Is he the Master?

Me: No, he’s the Great Intelligence.

Sue: Is he really?

Me: No.

Sue: Is he Saly-whathisface?

Damn, she’s good.

The Doctor and Chris rush into the Professor’s TARDIS…

Sue: That double-take was brilliant.

Chronotis: Cup of tea?

Sue: Yes, please.

Sue has fallen head over heels in love with the Professor’s TARDIS.

Sue: This is what my TARDIS would look like if I had one. Lots and lots of wood and an endless supply of tea.

The Doctor explains the plot…

The Doctor: Skagra had the capacity to take minds out of people, but he couldn’t put minds into them. That’s why he needs Salyavin in his sphere, and that’s why he’s going to Shada.

Sue: That almost makes sense. I’m back on track now. Thanks.

And then we finally see Shada for ourselves…

Sue: What the hell is that supposed to be? I was expecting something a bit less shit after all that build-up.

And then Tom Baker plugs another huge gap…

Sue: I’m becoming more and more irritated that Shada wasn’t finished. Because I’m convinced that it would have been good.

When Clare and Chris leave the Professor’s room, we are treated to a reprise of Keff’s ‘Opening and Closing Doors’ theme.

Sue: What is it with Keff McCulloch and ****ing doors?

The episode concludes with another piece-to-camera…

Tom Baker: Chris and Clare entered the chamber and the young man rushed forward to try to help. A sphere absorbed Chris’ mind in an instant. The prisoners, including Chris, advanced menacingly towards me.

Sue: Irritating.

Part Six

Romana reminds the Doctor that a copy of his brain exists inside Skagra’s sphere, and he’s so pleased, he gives her a medal.

Sue: Awww, that was very cute. They are definitely shagging at this point.

In the space-time vortex, two TARDIS

Sue: That doesn’t look great, does it?

Me: God knows what it would have looked like in 1979.

Tom Baker: With increasing difficulty, I was able to reach the TARDIS in the time tunnel.

Sue: This is ambitious. I’m not convinced that they would have been able to pull it off.

Clare releases her switch she is holding down and the console explodes.

Sue: Sarah Jane wouldn’t have been that stupid. She’s got a lot to learn.

Tom Baker: I managed to lash up a helmet-like affair made with bits of electronic equipment and a chunk of a table top.

Sue: Aww, I really wanted to see that.

And then Tom Baker takes over for ages…

Sue: I’m sorry, but I can’t keep up with this. I’m completely lost. Slow down!

After all that, Skagra is deposited back on his ship…

Ship: Do you know the Doctor well? He is a wonderful, wonderful man. He has done the most extraordinary things to my circuitry.

Sue: So the spaceship has fallen in love with the Doctor? I’ve definitely missed something important.

Meanwhile, Ronnie Corbett has reported the theft of a college room to the police…

Me: (as Ronnie) I said to my producer, I said, “I’ve lost the whole room!”

But the room has returned, and the Doctor has turned the place into a book club.

Sue: Thank God he’s not reading 50 Shades of Grey to them.

Chronotis: Cup of tea?

Sue: Yes, please.

Sue is very happy that Chronotis is alive and well.

Sue: Is he definitely OK? He’s going to be all right?

Me: Well, he’s got his annual appraisal coming up, and loads of marking to do, but apart from that, yes, he’ll be fine.

The Final Score

Sue: What a shame. I bet that would have been good if I’d understood it.

Me: Just for fun – this doesn’t really count – but what score would you give it?

Sue: It’s impossible to judge it, there’s so much missing. I enjoyed what I saw, so I’ll give what I saw…

7/10

Join us next week where we’ll be visiting 1993 and… well, you can probably guess the rest. Wish me luck! Oh, and there’s been a change of plan concerning our final podcast. I’ll let you know more in the next update, but I’ll have to clear it with Sue first.

The experiment continues…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who: The Legacy Collection (Shada/More Than 30 Years In The TARDIS) [DVD]

Price: £11.00

(33 customer reviews)

The Scores

Here are Sue’s scores for Sylvester’s stories in reverse order (and transmission order when tied):

Time and the Rani: “Irredeemable shit.” – -1/10

Silver Nemesis: “Worse than dreadful.” – 0/10

Delta and the Bannermen: “It got on my tits.” – 2/10

Dragonfire: “Cheap.” – 3/10

Battlefield: “Shame.” – 4/10

Paradise Towers: “I enjoyed the concept more than the execution.” – 6/10

The Happiness Patrol: “That was quite profound.” – 7/10

The Greatest Show in the Galaxy: “I appreciate what they were trying to do.” – 8/10

Ghost Light: “Very clever.” – 8/10

The Curse of Fenric: “Exciting.” – 8/10

Remembrance of the Daleks: “I’d happily watch it again.” – 9/10

Survival: “Almost perfect.” – 9/10

Ask Sue!

Thanks to everyone who sent Sue a question. Apologies if I didn’t use yours this time, but you can still contribute to our final podcast which I hope to release in early May (depending on how many submissions we get). Please note: we are only accepting questions and/or messages recorded on audio for that (and they should cover the whole experiment). If you would like to contribute to this podcast then the deadline is May 1st.

Anyway, let’s get this show on the road…

Chris Cassell: Which Kangs are best?

Sue: Purple Kangs are best.

David Lancaster: If you could ask Sylvester McCoy to roll the ‘r’ in any word, which word would you choose?

Sue: Rolls-Royce. That’s one word, isn’t it?

Richard Lyth: If Ace was your daughter, what advice would you give her?

Sue: Ace wouldn’t listen to her mother, so whatever I told her would be a waste of time.

Scott Fenton: If you could trap Keff McCulloch in a room, how would you punish him?

Sue: I’d make him listen to his own music on a loop. Then again, he’d probably like that, wouldn’t he?

Nick Mellish: Melanie Bush: crap scripts or just crap?

Sue: Just crap. She never got a good story, did she?

Tansy Rayner Roberts: If you could knit the perfect jumper for McCoy, what would the pattern be?

Sue: I wouldn’t bother with a pattern, I’d keep it plain. They should have toned everything down a bit. Plus, I’m not a very good knitter.

Encyclops: If Neil were to pick up one of the Seventh Doctor’s habits, which would you prefer: a penchant for puns, a tendency to ruthlessly manipulate your emotions to achieve his secret goals, or a talent for playing the spoons?

Sue: He’s already pretty good at the first two, so I’ll have to say the last one so he can have the full set.

Kevin Jon Davies: What (or who) else would you like to have seen Ace batter with a baseball bat?

Sue: Gary Downie. From what I’ve been told.

Me: Lots of people asked this one, including Craig Williams, Simon Hart, Chris Bryant and Hector Roddan: How should Ace have left the series?

Sue: She should have made peace with her mum. Then she should have moved back in with her, finished her A-levels, and got a proper job. Or would that be too boring?

Me: What about the idea that Ace would have moved to Gallifrey to train to be a Time Lord. Good idea?

Sue: No. She’d get blown up in the Time War.

Me: Again, lots of people asked a variation on the following question, including Liam Hutchinson and Russell Watson: Were the BBC right to cancel the series in 1989?

Sue: Yes and no. It was definitely getting better when they stopped it, but at the same time, if no one cared enough to do it justice, they had to give it a rest. It was either that or a new producer. Maybe the BBC should have advertised the post better?

Lewis Christian: The end of Survival, you felt, was tacked on and cobbled together. Given the same circumstances, what would you have done to end the series? A different speech? A montage? An extra scene with McCoy’s Doctor?

Sue: **** knows. A helpline number?

Cliff Chapman: Why do so many people hate this period of Doctor Who?

Sue: I didn’t know that they did. Oh, I don’t know. Was it was because JNT couldn’t be arsed with it? Or maybe it because the show was cancelled when McCoy was the Doctor. Is that it? Do they blame him? That would be silly because he’s a really good actor.

Me: A few people (including James P Quick and Patrick Sanders) wanted to know what you would have done if you had taken over as the producer for a 27th season.

Sue: I’d have set it all outdoors and I’d have got that Ben Aaronaraonronivitch to be the script editor. And then I would have made it consistently good.

Me: Are there any monsters you’d bring back?

Sue: Yes, the Kandy Man.

Bryan Simcott: It’s 1990 and McCoy wants to leave. Who do you cast as the 8th Doctor?

Sue: Paul McGann, I suppose.

Me: Apart from him.

Sue: Richard Burton. No? Why not? James Mason. Well you don’t know if you don’t ask! OK, Ian Richardson. He could do it like William Hartnell. Although he might play it as a Tory as well.

Erik Pollitt: If you were the 7th Doctor’s companion, what fears would the manipulative bastard make you face?

Sue: My fear of beach balls. I’m terrified of beach balls.

Andre Tessier: Was making the Doctor darker a good thing?

Sue: Yes, it was good to give him a bit of depth, even if he was a bit of a sneaky bastard.

Me: You seemed to forgive McCoy for what he did to Ace when you hated Jon Pertwee when he wasn’t very nice to Jo Grant. Why was that?

Sue: Because McCoy’s Doctor was doing it for the greater good, whereas Pertwee’s Doctor was just interested in himself. Like that time with the sandwiches. There was no excuse for that. What the Doctor did to Ace he did for a reason.

Sean Alexander: Given the chance, would you have rather watched Alan Bradley getting hit by a tram?

Sue: Who’s Alan Bradley?

This is the point where I usually ask Sue to sum up this particular Doctor in three words, but this time I’ll leave it to…

Celia Weston: Since Mr. McCoy was Dr. Who number seven, how would you summarise his time on the programme in only seven words? (this need not be a coherent sentence; seven nouns, adjectives or expletives will suffice).

Sue: Sneaky, deep, lonely, silly, mysterious, short and quirky.

After lots of deliberation, we have decided to give signed copies of our forthcoming book to Encyclops and Erik Pollitt. Please send me your postal address and I’ll do the rest.

Sue: So what are you making me watch before Paul McGann?

Me: I want to give you a taste of what it felt like to be a Doctor Who fan between 1990 and 1996.

Sue: You want me to be depressed?

Me: Would you prefer it if we just ended this now?

Sue: I would and I wouldn’t. It’s complicated.

Join us back here in a week’s time to see what we watched. You can place your bets now.

The experiment still continues…

For the last time – and for one episode only – we are joined by Nicol and Sue’s brother, Gary.

Part One

Sue: Survival. That’s a funny title considering it’s the last one.

Nicol: Did they know it was the last one when they were making it?

Me: They suspected as much. The programme was living on borrowed time.

Nicol has stopped listening. She’s too busy laughing at an animatronic cat. Gary sighs deeply as he folds his arms a little tighter.

Me: I don’t know what you’re laughing at, Nicol. I remember when you were obsessed with Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and their fake cat wasn’t much better.

Nicol: You leave Salem out of this.

Sue: Ooh, a crane shot. I’m loving this already.

Nicol: This opening scene reminds me of the new series. That’s where the theme music should go – just after the man disappears.

Sue: The last few stories have reminded me of the new series a lot. Oh look, a Renault 5. I had one of those.

Later, in a park, some children are playing a game of football…

Sue: This has an eerie feel to it. It reminds me of one of those Public Safety films from the seventies.

Me: Never talk to strange cats. I remember it well.

Meanwhile, in a tent…

Nicol: Is it the Master?

Sue: Hey, that’s my line!

Me: Look at the eyes, Sue. The green eyes.

Sue: Is it the Great Intelligence?

Sorry, but I couldn’t resist leading her down the garden path one last time.

The Doctor has brought Ace to Perivale so she can catch up with her mates. Ace searches for them at the local youth club…

Me: Look, Sue. It’s boy band training.

Gary likes this scene. A lot.

Nicol: Did people really look like that in the eighties?

Me: Yes. I wouldn’t leave the house without my backwards-facing baseball cap on.

Nicol: I’m glad I was still a baby when fashion looked like that. I don’t remember it at all.

A self-defence instructor named Patterson tells Ace that a handful of teenagers have gone missing from Perivale, including her.

Sue: The Great Intelligence took them, just like he took Ace. It all makes sense.

Sadly, the suspense is shattered by the howls of derision directed at the fake cat.

So the Doctor goes shopping…

Sue: Ooh, it’s him. And him.

Gary: It’s them.

Sue: Yes, wait, don’t tell me… I know this… Penn and Teller.

I’m laughing so hard, I have to pause the DVD.

Gary: It’s The Management.

Me: Hale and Pace. Hale and Pace!

Sue: Same thing.

Hale and Pace give the Doctor some advice on which cat food to buy.

Sue: Our cats would turn their noses up at those brands. Oh, I like the way the Doctor listened to that lump of cheese. That was a very Doctorish thing to do.

Gary sighs.

Sue: I really like the direction, too. It’s really good, this.

But she soon changes her mind when Hale (or is it Pace?) find a cat dead in their stockroom…

Sue and Nicol: Nooooooooo!

Sue: Turn it off! I don’t want to watch this. That was horrible!

Gary chuckles to himself. And then Ace meets an old friend who thought she was dead.

Ange: That’s what they said. Either you were dead, or you’d gone to Birmingham.

Even Nicol laughed at that line.

Sue: The Doctor reminds me of Sherlock Holmes. He’s listening and gathering clues. He knows exactly what’s going on.

Gary: I’m glad somebody does.

Sue: Is the music by Mark?

Me: No, it’s Dominic Glynn.

Sue: I love it. This is the best music we’ve had in ages. Sorry, Mark.

The Doctor can’t open his cat food…

Sue: He really needs the sonic back. He needs to buy himself a new one.

Gary: At least the weather is nice.

Sue: Yeah, you don’t get summers like this anymore.

The Doctor feeds the local cat population…

Sue: This is me, every single night, feeding the ferals.

We have three feral cats who visit us every evening for food and cuddles. We call them Blake, Avon and Cally. There were five of them but Vila ran away and Servalan had to be put down.

Ace is chilling out in the local playground when she is suddenly confronted by a large cat on a horse…

Sue: I’ve heard of dogging in the park but this is ridiculous.

Nicol: Is that supposed to be a cheetah?

Me: Yes.

Nicol: Why does the fastest animal in the world need a horse?

Sue: Because it looks good. The direction really is excellent.

Nicol: That’s it – hide in the climbing frame. It can’t possibly get you there.

Me: It’s playing with its food, Nicol. It’s a cat.

Nicol: OK, I’ll give you that.

Ace makes a run for it.

Sue: Look at this! This is amazing.

Ace is transported to an alien planet…

Sue: I did not expect that! And the music reminds me of Thelma and Louise. I love it.

Ace is pursued by the cat on the horse.

Sue: Ace is very fit.

I say nothing.

Nicol: Ace is just a typical victim.

Sue: You couldn’t be further from the truth, Nicol. Ace won’t scream. She’ll probably try to blow the cat up.

But it’s not all good news:

Sue: The cat person could be a lot scarier. It’s too fluffy. You want to give it a big cuddle.

Nicol: That’s what you say about real cheetahs, Mam.

Sue: True.

Ace meets up with her old friends…

Sue: It’s basically Lost with cats.

Nicol: It makes about as much sense as Lost. It reminds me of an amateur production of the musical Cats.

Me: Didn’t you see the poster advertising Cats in the youth club?

Nicol: Sorry, I was probably checking my phone. And was it really such a good idea to draw your attention to the musical? I keep expecting them to break out into song.

Sue has more important things to worry about:

Sue: Do you remember those patterned concrete blocks that you used to get in the eighties? They were very popular. I ****ing hated them.

The Doctor and Patterson are transported to the Planet of the Cheetahs…

Sue: There’s a wild west vibe to this. I really like it.

The Doctor is herded towards a tent. And seated inside this tent is…

Sue: I knew it!

Nicol: Mam! You liar!

Gary shakes his head.

Sue: So is the Master working for the Great Intelligence?

I ask the audience to sum up…

Sue: I loved it.

Nicol: I liked the cats. The real ones, that is.

Gary: The weather was very nice.

Me: Is that all you have to say, Gary?

Gary: What a rubbish way to end a series.

Me: That was just the first episode – there are two episodes left!

Gary: Right, I’m off, then.

Part Two

Sue: Not for cats!

She’s referring to the kittens feeding on a dead horse. Come on, we’ve all done it.

Sue: Why haven’t they eaten the Master yet? Is it because he’s supplying them with catnip?

Ace transforms her friends into a band of rebels…

Sue: You go, girl. You can tell that this story is written by a woman. The script is excellent.

The Doctor and Patterson escape from the Master on horseback…

Sue: The landscape looks great. They’ve tried this sort of thing before but this is very believable. They’ve finally cracked it. Bit late now, though.

The Doctor describes a cat sunning itself on the ground as:

The Doctor: A kitling. A feline vulture.

Sue: Awww, bless it.

The Master gives one of these kitlings a cuddle…

Sue: At least the Master is a cat person. He can’t be all bad, then.

Sue really likes the incidental music.

Sue: It’s Edge of Darkness meets Miami Vice. It really works.

The kitlings’ next victim is a milkman…

Sue: Cats love milk. They should transport his milk float to the planet while they’re at it.

But the cats don’t snatch the milk away – they’re not that evil.

The Cheetah People attack, and then all hell breaks loose…

Sue: This is a bit naff. I really hope it doesn’t go downhill.

Me: What? The horse?

Sue: No, the story! It was going so well, but now it’s silly.

The Cheetah People start fighting each other.

Sue: I get enough of this at home. Jack and Rose are always at each other’s throats. You just need to distract them with something shiny.

Ace’s friend, Midge, kills a Cheetah Person by plunging a sharp tusk into the poor thing’s stomach…

Sue: NOOOOOOOO! That was horrible!

The Master admits to the Doctor that he is trapped on this planet…

Sue: So he ****ed up again, has he? Why am I not surprised?

The Master’s feral grin emphasises the trouble he’s in.

Sue: That’s his best Ricky Gervais impersonation yet.

The Master howls at the moon.

The Master: A-rooooooooooooooh…..

Sue: Oooooooooooh, what a gay day!

Ace decides to help a wounded Cheetah Person. She even lets the creature drink from her hands…

Sue: I can’t watch this scene without thinking of George Galloway and Rula Lenska.

Meanwhile, the Master is cutting up a dead horse…

Sue: Is he stocking up on tasty treats for the cats?

The episode ends with Ace on the turn…

Sue: A brilliant cliffhanger. It’s very good, this. It’s just a shame about the giant cats. Everything else is spot on.

Me: Do you want to watch the last episode?

Sue: I do and I don’t. Part of me doesn’t want this to end. I don’t mean this particular story – the whole thing. I feel a bit sad about it. Stop grinning.

It’s almost the end, but the moment has been prepared for – champagne has been chilling in the fridge all day.

The number of times that I’ve dreamt about this particular milestone: Survival Part Three… There were moments, usually in the middle of a Troughton recon or a Pertwee six-parter, where I would imagine what it would feel like to finally reach this point (assuming that we ever got here). And now that we are here, just like Sue, I have mixed feelings about it.

Despite this, I take the champagne out of the fridge and I pop the cork just as the title sequence explodes on the screen…

Sue: Are you sure? What if there’s a power cut in the middle of this?

Me: Then I’ll buy another bottle.

Sue: You don’t have to get me drunk, you know. I’m not backing out now.

Part Three

Sue: If Ace has to sacrifice herself at the end to save the Doctor’s life, I will cry.

Ace is bonding with a Cheetah…

Sue: Ooh, slow-mo in Doctor Who. You don’t get that very often. This feels so modern. You wouldn’t think this was 25 years old.

The Master has been transported back to Earth by Midge. The evil Time Lord struggles to control the beast within:

The Master: A stronger mind will hold on itself longer. A will as strong as mine.

Sue: Ace is totally ****ed, then. She is so dead. Or stuffed. One of the two.

Back on the Planet of the Cheetahs, Karra is drinking from a pool…

Ace: I thought cats hated water.

Sue: That’s complete bollocks. Our cats love water. Especially running water.

Karra: I’m not a cat. I’m Karra.

Sue: Why haven’t we got a cat called Karra? I’m disappointed in you, Neil.

The camera swoops over yet another decaying corpse…

Sue: It’s very graphic. The director loves to show a bit of meat in his shots.

The Master controls poor Midge…

Sue: He’s the Master’s bitch, especially with that collar on. The make-up is excellent, though. All of the cats should have looked like this. Still, you can’t have everything.

An infected Ace takes her friends back to Earth…

Sue: Right outside the TARDIS. That’s very interesting. Everything revolves around Ace, doesn’t it? She is definitely the first of the new companions.

Ace is happy to leave…

Sue: It can’t be over, can it? I haven’t finished my first glass yet.

Of course not, the Master is killing cats on a council estate and the Doctor has to stop him.

Sue: Oh look, somebody has dropped strawberry jam on a soft toy. Even I can’t get upset about that.

The dead cat belonged to a little girl.

Me: She’s famous – in the loosest sense of the word – but you’ll never recognise her.

Sue: I bet I will. Pause the DVD.

Sue mulls it over.

Sue: Yes, she was definitely in EastEnders.

Me: No she wasn’t.

Sue: Oh, that is disappointing. OK, is she a pop star? Is it Billie Piper?

Me: No. Look, you won’t get it. It’s Adele Silva.

Sue: Who’s Adele Silva when she’s at home?

I grab the laptop and perform a quick image search. What I end up with is a page of thumbnails with Adele Silva in nothing but lingerie.

Sue: Oh, so that’s how you know her.

I eventually find a picture of Adele from the reality show Hell’s Kitchen, and I manage to save both the experiment and my marriage. Phew.

Midge arrives at the youth club, looking for young men…

Sue: He wants to manage the band.

Midge turns the boy band against Patterson, who is still suffering from shock.

Sue: Did Midge hypnotise the boys, or do they just really fancy him?

The Master struggles to control of his baser instincts…

Sue: That special effect that makes his eyes go on and off is brilliant.

On Horsenden Hill, Ace is confronted by Midge’s gang…

Sue: Death by Musical Theatre company. Nasty.

The Master looks on.

Sue: I have to say, this is one of his weirder plans. I haven’t got a clue what he’s trying to achieve.

The Doctor and Midge ride towards each other on a pair of motorcycles. When they collide, the explosion is impressive and improbable at the same time.

Sue: EH? No one could have survived THAT! Were the bikes carrying nuclear warheads? Hang on… He’s not going to regenerate, is he?

Karra confronts the Master but she gets a tusk in her stomach for her trouble. Her death squeak is very touching.

Sue: Boooooooo!

Me: Top up?

Sue: Yes, please.

Thankfully, the Doctor is still alive…

Sue: He should have landed behind that sofa. That would have been funnier.

Me: That implies that this scene is funny to begin with.

Sue: OK, it would have been funny. This is just… silly. And I ****ing hate fly-tippers.

The Master and the Doctor face each another in the street…

Sue: This actually feels like it’s meant to be the final episode. It feels epic.

It feels even more epic when they end up fighting in the middle of a fire pit. The Doctor raises a skull above his head and prepares to smash the Master’s face in.

Sue: No! Don’t do it! He’s not worth it!

The Doctor regains control.

The Doctor: If we fight like animals, we’ll die like animals!

The Doctor is transported back to Earth.

The Doctor: If we fight like animals, we’ll die like animals!

Me: What did you make of that?

Sue: The first time he said it, it was excellent. The second time he said it, he was asking for trouble.

A woman complains about the noise the cats have been making…

Sue: That could be Rose’s mum.

The Doctor returns for Ace. They walk off into the sunset together.

The Doctor: There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea’s asleep, and the rivers dream. People made of smoke, and cities made of song. Somewhere there’s danger, somewhere there’s injustice, and somewhere else the tea’s getting cold.

Sue: Oh, he almost slipped over.

The Doctor: Come on, Ace, we’ve got work to do!

Cue credits.

We clink our glasses together.

Sue: You owe me big time.

I punch the air.

Sue: I know you are going to kill me for saying this, but the speech at the end sounded like it was cobbled together at the last-minute. Sorry.

Me: I really like it. It’s optimistic.

Sue: I can see why you were upset about Doctor Who finishing at this point. Just when it was good again. It also explains why you were still banging on about it when I met you. I’ll never be a fan, but they shouldn’t have stopped it there.

The Final Score

Sue: That was almost perfect. Only the fake cats and the fluffy cheetahs let it down. Apart from that, it was a great way to finish. If we’d opened the champagne earlier, I might have given it a 10, but I’m only a bit tipsy, so:

9/10

Sue: Does this mean we can get divorced, now?

Me: Well, we still have a little way to go yet. We’ve got The TV Movie for a start, and before that I want to show you a couple of things that will give you a taste of the Interregnum.

Sue: I thought The TV Movie didn’t count.

Me: We’ve been through this before. Of course it counts.

Sue: But Russell T Davies said…

Me: Yes, there’s a character in Queer as Folk who believes that Paul McGann doesn’t count. That doesn’t make it a fact. He counts.

Sue: So why are we drinking Moët? If this isn’t the end, we should be drinking cheap cava!

Me: I’ll get some Dom Pérignon for The TV Movie. I promise.

Sue: So how long until the end?

Me: A couple of weeks at most.

Sue: I’m not watching Shada. Just so you know.

Me: Four more updates and then The TV Movie. Some of these will be very short. It won’t take us long. Trust me.

Sue: Well, I’ve come this far…

Me: Come on, Sue, we’ve got work to do!

The experiment still continues…

Ask Sue

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Doctor Who – Survival [DVD] [1989] [1963]

Price: £8.53

(35 customer reviews)

Sorry for the delay. It’s been one of those weeks.

Choosing which version of The Curse of Fenric to show to Sue was trickier than I thought. The results of our poll was split right down the middle, with 51% of you saying we should stick with the broadcast version, while 49% of you wanted us to watch the Special Edition. You know, the one that makes sense. In the end, I let Sue decide.

Sue: Which one is the shortest?

Me: The broadcast version.

Sue: That one.

Part One

Sue: Ah, The Curse of Fenric – a proper Doctor Who title for a change. Have we had Ian Briggs before?

Me: Yes, he wrote Dragonfire.

Sue: Oh ****.

And then:

Sue: I used to work in Fenwicks. Actually, I don’t know why I said that.

The Curse of Fenric begins with something lurking beneath the waves…

Sue: That monster is a bit wooden.

Me: Are you taking the piss?

Sue: I’ve seen better special effects. Is this a sequel to the one with the Loch Ness Monster?

I don’t think she’s joking, but I can’t be sure anymore.

Sue: Is this Mark Ayres? I’m sure I’ve heard you listening to this music before. You are such a geek.

The TARDIS materialises in Northumbria during the Second World War…

Sue: Ooh, I like the Doctor’s new duffel coat. I’ve got a coat just like that, except mine’s bright orange.

The Doctor and Ace are surrounded by armed soldiers, but the troops are easily bamboozled.

Sue: What a bunch of morons. Is this a UNIT training camp?

Meanwhile, the Russian task force decide to make things easier for the viewers at home…

Sorin: From now on, everything in English.

Sue: Thank God for that. The subtitles looked like Teletext.

The Doctor and Ace introduce themselves to Dr Judson (who reminds Sue of Mark Heap from Friday Night Dinner for some inexplicable reason). The Doctor forges his credentials with some help from a nearby typewriter.

Sue: What a faff on. No wonder he invents psychic paper. So is this supposed to be Bletchley Park?

Me: It’s very similar.

Sue: Good. I like the historicals.

A Russian soldier is attacked by something on the beach…

Sue: Where is his ****ing gun?

Not far away, outside St. Jude’s church…

Sue: Oh it’s him… Hang on a minute… What the hell is he doing in Doctor Who?

Once she gets over the initial shock, and she realises that Nicholas Parsons can act, Sue calms down a bit.

Sue: Nicolas Parsons has the look of a silver-haired Patrick McGoohan.

That’s not something you hear every day.

Meanwhile, in Commander Millington’s Nazi hideaway…

Sue: Millington doesn’t sound like a very German name to me. And why is he wearing a British Naval uniform? Everything is a bit ****ed up here.

The Doctor and Ace find Judson in a crypt, where he’s attempting to decipher some ancient carvings.

Sue: It’s very nicely lit. Is this in a studio?

Me: No, it’s all on location.

Sue: I thought so. This is so much more believable. Why didn’t they make them all like this? It’s irritating.

When the Doctor and Ace examine the gravestones in the cemetery, Sue spots a clue…

Sue: Millington’s name is on that gravestone. I bet that’s significant.

You know, I’d never noticed that before. I feel like a right plonker.

Meanwhile, two evacuees – Jean and Phyllis – aren’t very happy when Miss Hardaker won’t let them go swimming.

Miss Hardaker: Do you know why it’s called Maidens’ Point? Because when you stand on those cliffs, you can hear the terrible lost cries of girls who went to that place with evil in their hearts.

Sue: You can hear them screaming out their orgasms for miles around. It’s enough to put you off your dinner.

The Doctor and Reverend Wainwright discuss the Viking inscriptions…

Sue: He’s surprisingly good, actually. I didn’t know he could act. I thought he just did game shows. He’s really good.

Beneath the waves, we watch Phyllis and Jean swim…

Sue: I bet Mark had to resist the urge to rip off the Jaws theme, here.

Finally, the The Curse of Fenric begins to work its magic, and Sue shuts up for a bit so she can chew her nails.

Sue: It’s really good, this.

Phyllis and Jean find a strange object on the beach…

Jean: Ooo, it feels all funny and tingly.

Sue: One of the harlots left their vibrator behind. The place is littered with them.

A Russian solider is relieved when he isn’t forced to shoot Phyllis and Jean in the face.

Sue: Awww. I bet this turns into Letter to Brezhnev. Just you wait and see.

The Doctor and Ace encounter Kathleen Dudman and her baby, Audrey.

Sue: That’s Ace’s mum.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.

Sue: It’s like Back to the Future, but with Nazis.

Me: Well, there are no Nazis in this, but yeah.

The episode ends when the Russians capture the Doctor and Ace on the beach.

Sue: I’m sorry, I’m not saying very much, but I’m enjoying this too much. That cliffhanger was a bit shit, though.

Part Two

Sue: Isn’t it weird how you can’t hear the soldiers creeping up on them until they are less than a foot away? How did they sneak up on Ace and the Doctor on all that shingle?

Meanwhile, beneath the water, a corpse opens his eyes…

Sue: Scary Matthew Broderick zombie. You know, that would have been a much better cliffhanger.

Me: This is why people wanted us to watch the Special Edition instead. The broadcast version was hacked to bits and scenes had to be rearranged to fit the episode’s running time. If I’m not mistaken, I think the original intention was to end Part One with the corpse opening its eyes.

Sue: Is it too late to switch to the Special Edition?

Me: Yes.

Mr Judson and Mrs Crane are bickering in the crypt…

Sue: These two are hilarious. I could watch them all day.

Meanwhile, Phyllis and Jean are flirting with the British Army.

Sue: They really are a pair of slappers. I feel sorry for the old lady, now.

But then Sue picks up on a problem…

Sue: This story is moving too fast. Some of the scenes are over in a flash. Even the new series doesn’t move as fast as this does.

Me: Is it as fast as the second-hand on a watch?

Sue: What are you banging on about now?

Me: Nothing. But we should have watched the Special Edition.

Sue: Just put it on. I won’t tell anyone.

Me: Stop it.

In the church, Reverend Wainwright is preaching to himself…

Wainwright: When I became a man, I put away childish things. Now abideth faith, hope, love. These three. And the greatest of these is…

Sue: If you know the answer, you win this week’s star prize.

The Doctor and Ace are introduced to Millington’s fountain of death.

Sue: He’s mining swarfega. He’s like the Brigadier’s older, nastier brother, isn’t he?

Millington wants the Russians steal the Ultima code-breaking machine so they can detonate a bomb in the Kremlin when it translates a particular word.

The Doctor: And the word is?

Millington: What else could it be, Doctor? Love.

Sue: I tell you what – it’s bloody good, this.

Jean and Phyllis go swimming at Maidens’ Point. Fully clothed.

Phyllis: So what? Who cares? It’s warm in the water.

Sue: I bet it ****ing isn’t. If it was, you’d take your ****ing clothes off.

A mist rolls in…

Sue: This reminds me of The Mist.

Me: The Fog.

Sue: Yes, that one.

Commander Millington wants all the chess sets on the base destroyed.

Sue: There have been a lot of references to chess in Doctor Who recently. What’s that all about?

Kathleen asks the Doctor if he has a family of his own.

The Doctor: I don’t know.

Kathleen: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s the war, isn’t it?

Sue: Bloody Time War.

Jean and Phyllis have been transformed into vampiric creatures. They entice a Russian solider into the water…

Jean: Come on. Come play with us.

Sue: This is a bit full on. This is not for kids. The monsters are bad enough but they’re also ramming sexual innuendoes down our throats.

Reverend Wainwright is confronted by Phyllis and Jean. They prod at his faith and it turns out that he stopped believing in God when the British started dropping bombs on the enemy.

Phyllis: British bombs killing German children.

Sue: This is very heavy. I have to say, the script is very good. And Nicholas Parsons can come back any time he likes.

Suddenly, strange creatures emerge from the sea…

Sue: It’s definitely turned into The Fog, now. This has to be the cliffhanger. And… cut.

But no, the episode ends on yet another close-up of Sylvester McCoy’s slightly perturbed face.

Sue: What a stupid place to end it.

Me: I knew we should have watched the Special Edition.

Part Three

Millington wants all radios in the camp destroyed, and a young private carries out his order. The idiot.

Sue: Poor Prince William. He’ll regret that.

Wainwright warns the Doctor about the “local” legends surrounding his church.

Wainwright: In the story of Dracula, this is where he came ashore.

Sue: Dracula came ashore at Whitby, mate. This looks nothing like Whitby. He’s having a laugh.

Me: Our very first date was in Whitby, practically 20 years ago to the day. Do you remember?

Sue: Yes, I do. I still have the bite marks.

The Haemovores converge on the Russian troops…

Sue: Is this a magic beach which allows you to sneak up on people without them hearing you? Cos that’s the only explanation I can think of. Also, they can’t be vampires because this is broad daylight. They’re sea monsters.

And then Ace drops a bombshell:

Ace: I used to think I’ll never get married, but now I’m not so sure.

Sue: Eh? Where the hell did that come from? I’m telling you now, love, the Doctor isn’t interested in you like that.

The soldiers take on the advancing Haemovores.

Sue: Actually, they’re more like zombies than vampires. Just shoot them in the sodding head.

With St. Jude’s under attack (“It’s a shame that the monsters’ arms are so rubbery.”), Ace heads for the top of the church, which she then descends with the help of a ladder she’s been carrying around with her the whole time.

Sue: That’s handy.

Me: She did say that she wanted to go rock climbing.

Sue: Who goes rock climbing with a ****ing ladder?

Speaking of ladders…

Sue: Oh, I just saw Ace’s suspenders.

Me: I’ve never noticed that before.

Sue: Of course you haven’t.

Ace grapples with a Haemovore…

Sue: Oh dear. I just saw some flesh under that mask. That’s a shame. They should have gone for a proper zombie look instead of lumpy rubber. It would have been even scarier.

The Russians open fire on the creatures…

Sue: Shoot them in the head! How many more times?

The Doctor keeps the Haemovores at bay with a little faith.

Me: Did you notice what he was saying under his breath?

Of course she didn’t. So I rewind the scene.

Sue: No, sorry, I still haven’t got a clue.

Me: He’s reciting the names of his companions.

Sue: How the hell was I supposed to notice that? That’s ridiculous.

Ace and Sorin are attracted to each other….

Sue: See! Letter to Brezhnev. It’s a bit out of the blue, but I don’t blame her. Is this Ace’s last story? It is, isn’t it? You can tell.

The Doctor tells Sorin that faith in anything work against the Haemovores.

Sue: Would playing George Michael at them work?

Millington places Sorin under arrest.

Sue: Is it just me or does this bloke always sound pissed to you? Is he supposed to be drunk?

A battle breaks out and – shock horror! – Sue notices the music.

Sue: The stings in the action sequences are a bit Keffy. The music for the emotional scenes is really good, though.

Speaking of which…

Kathleen: (reading a letter) The ship on which your husband, Frank William Dudman, was serving, was struck by enemy torpedoes. Your husband was trapped in the fire and has been listed as missing, presumed dead.

Me: Dudman’s a dead man.

Sue: I still think that’s Ace’s grandmother.

Ace confronts the Doctor for being a sneaky bastard…

Ace: You always know. You just can’t be bothered to tell anyone!

Sue: Bloody hell, this is a bit out of the blue.

The Doctor tells Ace what they are up against evil before the dawn of time. Fenric isn’t even its real name.

The Doctor: That’s just Millington’s name for it. Evil has no name.

Sue: Could it be the Great Intelligence?

Me: What did you just say?

Sue: You know. From the new series. Isn’t it the same thing?

Me: I’ve never considered that before. You could be onto something.

Ace offers to seduce a soldier while the Doctor sneaks into the barracks.

Sue: First she’s the Doctor’s own personal terrorist, and now he’s pimping her out. Lovely.

She’s just kidding.

Ace: You have to move faster than that if you want to keep up with me. Faster than light.

Soldier: Faster than the second-hand on a watch?

Sue throws a cushion at me.

Wainwright confronts Phyllis and Jean, but his faith isn’t strong enough to hold them back.

Sue: Not. For. Kids. I’m looking forward to seeing Nicholas Parsons playing a zombie in the next episode, though.

In the Decrypt room, the chains of Fenric have shattered. Ace points at Commander Millington…

Ace: We’re too late. It’s him!

Sue: I knew it! He’s a bloody weirdo!

But they are both wrong. Fenric has inhabited another body…

Judson: We play the contest again…

Judson and Me: …Time Lord.

Cue credits.

Me: Go on, then. Say it.

Sue: Is it the Great Intelligence?

Part Four (ish)

Between episodes, Sue wants to know more about the Special Edition. Specifically, she wants to know if it makes more sense than the original (she’s starting to struggle with the plot). And it was at this point that I decided to say “To hell with it!” and I stuck the Special Edition in the PS3 and I cued it up to the place where the recap would have been. Yes, I broke the experiment. Again. And by doing this, we have failed to satisfy anybody who voted in our poll. Result!

The Doctor, Ace and Sorin are sent to face a firing squad, but Russian troops come to their rescue…

Sue: I find it interesting that the Doctor isn’t siding with the British. I like that. And we didn’t like the Russians very much in the 1980s, did we?

Me: No, only Sting.

Sue: So it was probably quite brave back then.

Judson/Fenric confers with Jean and Phyllis…

Judson: Where is the Ancient One?

Sue: Who’s the Ancient One when he’s at home? Have I missed something?

Two marines shoot at Phyllis and Jean but they just keep on coming.

Sue: Aim for the head! Kids would have been terrified of this. This is proper scary Doctor Who.

The base is by battered by a freak storm…

Sue: I like the rain. It adds atmosphere.

Thank God we’re watching the regraded version. The original looks ridiculous.

Sue: What did you say?

Me: Sorry, did I say that out loud?

She even likes the fight scenes…

Sue: This is much better than those knights pissing about the other week. The direction is much better. It’s quite exciting.

Judson: Don’t interrupt me when I’m eulogising.

Sue: Ha! That’s brilliant.

Judson isn’t very impressed with Commander Millington…

Judson: I can see you’ve never been handicapped by great intelligence.

Sue: See! Great Intelligence. How can you not know it’s the Great Intelligence. He just said it.

Me: To be fair, I’m not sure if that line is in the broadcast version…

Sue: I don’t care. He just said it. That’s Richard E. Grant.

The Ancient One meets with Judson…

Sue: It looks OK, I suppose. His mouth is a bit wonky. He looks like he’s had a stroke.

The Doctor and Ace head to Millington’s office to retrieve the last surviving chess set, but it’s been rigged to explode.

Sue: Wow. Best explosion on Doctor Who ever. McCoy nearly took out the camera with his umbrella.

Ace and Sorin only have eyes for each other…

Sue: Get a room! She is so leaving at the end of this. It’s so obvious. She could do a lot worse, though.

Sorin is confronted by Haemovores.

Jean: You don’t have the emblem this time.

Sue: USE THE ONE ON YOUR HAT, YOU IDIOT! Oh, he didn’t need it after all.

The Doctor sets up the chess set…

Sue: That table would look great if you sanded it down and used some Briwax on it. Trust me, it would look magnificent.

Ace confides in Kathleen…

Ace: I don’t like dark buildings. There was one in Perivale, an old, empty house full of noises. Evil. Things I didn’t understand.

Sue: Is she still upset about the other week?

Me: I think the plan was to show this one before Ghost Light. This would have led in to it, I think.

Sue: This makes it look like she’s still ****ed up over it and the Doctor has messed up her head.

As Kathleen escapes with her baby, Sue keeps repeating the following mantra under her breath:

Sue: She’s your mum, she’s your mum, she’s your mum.

Sue notices that Judson/Fenric/The Great Intelligence is blinking a lot…

Sue: He’s having a terrible time with those contact lenses, the poor sod.

Phyllis and Jean are no longer required and the Ancient One turns them to dust.

Sue: Not. For. Kids. Excellent effect, though. Even though I don’t have a clue how he did that.

The British and Russians decide to work together…

Sue: I think those two will make a lovely couple. Seriously, this is Letter to Brezhnev meets Night of the Living Dead.

The Doctor tells the Ancient One some home truths…

Sue: Honestly, that is one hell of a wonky mouth.

When Ace works out what the winning chess move is, she rushes off to tell someone.

Sue: She’s not going to tell the bad guy, is she? Because that would be completely stupid.

But Fenric/The Great Intelligence controls more than one pawn in this game.

Sue: OH NO! HE’S TURNED THE FIT ONE!

Sue is genuinely upset by this.

Sue: It looks like the honeymoon is definitely off. Oh no.

It turns out that Kathleen’s baby is – wait for it – Ace’s mum after all. Who saw that coming?

Sue: It’s very timey-wimey, this. It’s so much like the new series, I keep expecting David Tennant to walk in.

My notes from this point:

Sue: Ohhhh…

Sue: Ahhhh….

Sue: Eh?

She doesn’t really understand what the hell just happened, but she didn’t half enjoy it.

Ace is upset. I’m upset that Ace is upset. Mark Ayres almost makes me cry. Sue doesn’t pipe up again until the Doctor tells Ace to go for a swim.

Sue: I don’t get that at all. She’ll catch her death. That’s borderline irresponsible, but given the things the Doctor has made her do recently, it’s the least of his crimes.

The Final Score

Sue: My only problem is it didn’t really make any sense. It felt disjointed and the plot was a bit of a mess, but – and it’s a very big but – I enjoyed it a lot. It was exciting. And it’s very similar to the new series. You’ve even got a companion who turns out to be a trap set by the Great Intelligence. The Moff’s series is basically a sequel to this story. They should have put a lot more references to chess in it, though. Anyway, I really liked that. It looks like we are going to end on a high after all.

8/10

Me: I bet the Special Edition would have scored a 10.

Sue: Tough.

We watch the documentary that explains how this Special Edition came about.

Sue: So Mark Ayres does know how to use Pro Tools! Excellent.

The experiment continues…

Important Stuff

There’s been a change of plan concerning our final podcast. We are still going to release one just before we do The TV Movie (it’s always been my intention to finish the experiment with that particular update and that will never change) but I will come clean now and tell you that there will be six updates between Survival and The TV Movie. Yes, six!

I’m not going to tell you what those entries will include yet, but I can tell you that one of them will be our final podcast. This basically means two things: 1) The deadline to contribute audio files for the podcast will now be extended to the end of April (the actual date will be made clearer soon), and what I need from everyone now are some questions that I can ask Sue about Sylvester McCoy’s time as the Doctor (that’ll be another update then, leaving you with only four left to guess).

In other words, I’m looking for 10 questions that I can put to Sue about this particular era of the show (as we’ve done with the previous Doctors). The very best question will win a signed copy of the forthcoming Wife in Space book. The deadline for your questions is Thursday 11th April. Please use the site’s contact form to send them in. Many thanks.

Next Time

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Curse of Fenric [1989] [DVD] [1963]

Price: £6.75

(51 customer reviews)

Part One

In a Victorian house, Mrs Pritchard is serving dinner with a copy of The Times…

Sue: This has a new series feel to it. It’s scary and a bit weird.

Weird it may be, but Gabriel Chase does have its advantages.

Sue: Look at all that lovely panelling. Where did they film this?

Me: Television Centre.

Sue: No way! Are you sure?

The TARDIS materialises in the attic. Sue criticises the Doctor for parking his TARDIS with its door facing a wall, a split second before Ace can do the same.

Sue: Ace is looking very feminine this week. And they must have been somewhere warm recently because she’s got a tan.

Gabriel Chase is full of stuffed animals…

Sue: I bet the monsters turn out to be the stuffed animals and the Doctor is attacked by an emu. Am I right?

The Doctor and Ace stumble across an insane big game hunter. The Doctor uses a device to measure how radioactive the poor fellow is.

Redvers: Damn tsetse flies.

I laugh out loud at this. Obviously.

Sue: I don’t get that.

Oh dear. If she doesn’t get that, Ghost Light doesn’t stand a chance.

Down in the cellar, a Neanderthal named Nimrod is checking on a strange creature in a cell…

Sue: I’m confused.

Me: Really?

Sue: What’s Gollum doing in the basement? And who’s he? And him? What is going on? Is this supposed to make sense?

Me: Just go with it, love.

Sue: I’ll concentrate on the set design. It’s gorgeous. Are you sure this wasn’t filmed in a real house?

The Doctor and Ace meet Reverend Matthews in the drawing room…

Sue: It’s the Victorian Noddy Holder.

Josiah Smith arrives. Josiah is so cool, he wears sunglasses at night.

Sue: They are Victorian rock stars. That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why they don’t get on. He’s David Bowie and he’s Noddy Holder.

When all hell breaks loose upstairs, Mrs Pritchard has to drag Ace away by her hair…

Sue: Ooh, what a bitch! She’s like that nasty housekeeper from Downton Abbey. Only worse.

Sue notices that Mrs Pritchard is played by a famous actress. When I mention Sylvia Sims, she tells me that the name rings a bell. A very tiny bell. A very tiny bell that’s been muted.

Sue: I haven’t got the faintest idea what’s going on, but I want to find out. It’s very intriguing and it’s very atmospheric. And wood. There’s lots and lots of wood…

When she’s not staring at the wood, she’s chuckling at the script. Sadly, this means that this particular blog entry has been a nightmare. It also demonstrates why we won’t be blogging the new series any time soon. For example:

Josiah: I hope you have a taste for calves’ brains, Doctor.

Sue: That was a good line.

Matthews: Infernal telephonic machines

Sue: That was very funny.

The Doctor: I know a nice little restaurant in the Khyber Pass.

Sue: Ha! Brilliant.

Etc etc etc…

See?

Ace isn’t thrilled when she learns that Gabriel Chase is in Perivale…

Sue: So what? Perivale can’t be that bad, can it? It isn’t Croydon for a start.

The Doctor has taken Ace back to a haunted house which she visited in her youth.

Sue: Hang on a minute… Should the Doctor really be doing this?

The Doctor tells us that we all have a universe of our own terrors to face.

Sue: That was definitely their best scene together. I’m watching a proper drama again. This isn’t kid’s TV anymore. And Ace looks good in a tux.

Ace makes a run for it…

Sue: Why doesn’t Ace run back to the TARDIS and lock herself in? Why is she taking a lift down to the cellar? Why would she do that? Having said that, this is bloody good. It’s exciting.

Ace finds herself in a stone spaceship, where she is soon threatened by a menagerie of monsters dressed in dinner suits.

Sue: Ace won’t scream. She definitely won’t scream. Not Ace. She won’t.

Cue credits.

Sue: Told you.

And then Sue sighed. Very deeply.

Sue: I haven’t got a clue what that was about but I really enjoyed it. The script is very funny, the acting is very good, the direction is great, the lighting is perfect and the sets are wonderful. If they are sets. In fact, it was all going so well until those daft monsters turned up.

Me: You haven’t mentioned the music yet.

Incidentally, we are watching the 5.1 mix of Ghost Light. This has two benefits: 1) Sue loves 5.1 surround sound mixes and 2) You can actually hear the dialogue.

Sue: Well, it’s not Keff, that’s for sure. Otherwise I’d have noticed it. Is it Mark?

Me: It is.

Sue: Good. I really enjoyed the song.

Part Two

Sue: Do you know what’s really strange? I don’t mind Sylvester winking at me anymore. I still can’t stand this version of the theme music, though.

Nimrod keeps the monstrous husks at bay with a lantern…

Sue: OK, this is getting a bit weird now.

The creature known as Control is freaking out.

Control: Stop ratkin!

Sue: I can’t understand a word that thing is saying. Is it important?

Me: Not even Mark Ayres can mix this dialogue so it makes sense.

Sue: This is what happens when you don’t carry any Nitro with you. There must be room in your DJ for one can, surely?

When the Doctor and Josiah arrive in the cellar, Josiah suddenly gains the upper hand.

Josiah: You’re so smug and self-satisfied, Doctor.

Sue: Is it the Master?

I pause the DVD.

Me: Seriously? Is that the best you’ve got? We’re ten minutes into Part Two and you’ve hardly said a word.

Sue: That’s because I’m really enjoying it. Having said that, if I wasn’t enjoying it, I wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgeways. It’s moving very fast.

It’s true. Unless I stop the DVD after every single line of dialogue, getting anything coherent out of Sue is practically impossible. For example, I’m looking at the notes I made for this episode, but I can’t for the life of me work out what’s she’s actually referring to at this point. It could be anything. Sorry.

Sue: I’m really confused now.

Sue: What does that mean?

Sue: Eh?

Sue: OK, this is ****ing mad.

Sue: That is very funny but WHAT THE ****?

Ah, that’s definitely her reaction to Reverend Matthews turning into an ape.

Sue: I’m completely lost but I’ve decided to go with it. I can’t fault the performances or the direction, and even if it doesn’t make any sense at this point, it’s very entertaining. I want to find out what it’s all about.

A little later, after Detective Mackenzie is found asleep in a drawer, Sue thinks she has it all figured out. I pause the DVD so she can explain it to me:

Sue: Right, I’ve got it. It’s just like that Bruce Willis movie.

Me: What, Die Hard?

Sue: No, the one where the boy sees dead people all the time and…

If you haven’t seen The Sixth Sense a) well done you and b) you might want to skim the next couple of lines.

Sue: …Bruce Willis is dead the whole time. That’s what’s happening here. They’re all dead, but they think they’re still alive. It’s like purgatory or something like that.

Me: Some people have described Ghost Light as purgatory, so you might be onto something.

Ace has changed in something more comfortable…

The Doctor: I like the dress.

Sue: It was nice of him to notice. Doctors don’t normally do that. They have a very special bond, these two.

Me: Yeah, it was very sweet of him to trick her into visiting the one place she never wanted to come back to. He’s lovely.

Sue: It’s like he’s testing her. You can definitely see Ace’s influence on Rose and Amy Pond. I’m used to this kind of companion.

Nimrod has a flashback…

Nimrod: At the season when the ice floods swamp the pasture lands, we herded the mammoths sunwards to find new grazing.

Mackenzie: Tricky things, mammoths.

Sue: Great line.

The Doctor: It’s very, very old. Perhaps even older.

Sue: That’s a good line.

Ace: Where’s Nimrod?

The Doctor: Gone to see a man about a god.

Sue: What a great line.

See!

Gabriel Chase is infested with moths and creepy crawlies…

Sue: OK, I’ve definitely got it, now. This isn’t a real house. It’s a time travelling zoo. They are travelling backwards in time and that’s why all the dead animals are coming back to life and that’s why the ghosts think they exist, when they don’t. It’s not that hard to work out when you put your mind to it.

Down in the cellar, Control is up to something…

Control: Light angry, burning angry, but not at poor Control. Control going showing Light way up. Then Control on way up too!

Sue: Actually, maybe I’m wrong. I can’t get my head around this at all.

Me: Stop guessing, then.

Sue: I hope this makes sense in the end. That’s all I’m saying.

When Ace and Inspector Mackenzie explore the attic, they find Mrs Pritchard and Gwendoline under some sheets.

Ace: They’re just toys. They’re just Josiah’s toys.

Sue: Oh… I get it. They’re robots.

Me: Stop guessing!

And then they find a display cabinet which contains a Homo Victorianus Ineptus.

Sue: Eh? But… but… why? Eh?

Another version of Josiah emerges from behind a screen…

Sue: EH?

The episode ends with Light in an elevator…

Sue: OK, I give up. I’m lost. This doesn’t make sense. It’s bloody good, though.

Part Three

Let there be Light…

Sue: Oh look, it’s Kosh.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? Sue can remember episodes of Babylon 5 from 20 years ago, but she can’t remember episodes of Doctor Who from last week.

The Doctor: I wouldn’t want to confuse you.

Sue: Too late for that, mate.

Light wants to know what the hell is going on as well.

Sue: It’s Kosh meets Liberace. Look at him stretching his fingers. He can’t wait to play the piano again.

The Doctor disperses Light by gurning at it.

Sue: I liked that. I really believed that the Doctor was in trouble there.

Sweet Jesus. I’m a McCoy fan and even I can’t watch that scene without the aid of a cushion.

Sue: This Light person must be very powerful. The Doctor looks worried. That’s not like him.

Control begins to involve into…

Sue: Is that Petula Clark?

And then Ace has a flashback to 1983. Yes, 1983. Not 1978 or 1977 or 1984. It’s 1983. Please, I beg you, this blog isn’t a forum for you to discuss your pet theories about UNIT dating, or even Heartbeat dating, which is ****ing niche, even for me. OK? Thanks. Sorry. Where were we? Oh, yes, Ace is having a flashback to 1983…

Sue: Has someone dropped acid in her tea?

When normality is restored…

Sue: That was excellent. Proper drama for a change.

Me: It’s proper drama if you’ve just taken some LSD!

Control is moving up in the world…

Sue: Oh, I know who she is now!

Me: A control in an experiment?

Sue: No, the woman from Lucky Jim, that drama about the card player.

Me: Lucky Break.

EDIT: I’m as bad as she is. The programme was called Big Deal. KILL ME NOW!

Sue: Yes. She played his wife. She’s very good.

And then Sue settles down for a bit. Until she learns that Josiah wants to assassinate Queen Victoria…

Sue: EH? Where the hell did that come from? Isn’t this confusing enough as it is? What the ****?

Light dismantles a maid show to see how she works…

Sue: OK, so they’re not robots, then?

Sue gets to the root of the problem:

Sue: Who’s in charge? Which one is the bad guy? Is it Kosh, David Bowie or the Lucky Break woman? I can’t work it out and it’s driving me mad.

Control has evolved into a Victorian ladylike…

Sue: It’s My Fair Lady meets The Breakfast Club.

Sue sits slack-jawed throughout dinner. Which is good, I guess. The next time she has anything to say is when Ace almost gets her head blown off five minutes later.

Sue: Shit! I really thought they’d killed Ace!

Nimrod, Control and Redvers depart for pastures new, along with their devolving mascot, Josiah. Sue doesn’t think the premise has enough legs to go to a series.

Light can’t handle the stress, so he disappears in a clap of thunder…

Sue: He was very good. I like the way he started off sounding like Tinkerbell but then he got angrier and angrier as it went on. I can’t criticise the acting at all.

The episode ends with the Doctor asking Ace if she has any regrets about burning down the house in 1983. Ace says she doesn’t even like Talking Heads. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Ace: Yes. I wish I’d blown it up instead.

Sue: Great line.

The Doctor: Wicked.

Sue: Awww.

Cue credits.

Sue: That was ****ing mental. I’m sorry but I don’t know what else to say.

At least she said it with a smile.

Me: Any questions?

Sue: Well…

Me: On second thoughts, give it a score first. Then we can discuss the bits you don’t understand.

Sue: It would be quicker if we discussed the bits I do understand.

The Final Score

Sue: I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but it should have been four parts. It was a bit rushed at the end and that’s probably why it doesn’t make any sense. However, I did get the general gist of it, and it really drew me in. The only fault was with the script – there was far too much going on – but it was very clever at the same time. Yes, it was an odd one. But I really, really liked it.

8/10

Sue: Is that too high?

Me: Not at all. It’s my favourite Doctor Who story. Probably. It’s definitely in my Top 3. There, I’ve said it.

Sue: You didn’t act like it was your favourite story.

Me: I didn’t want to influence you.

Sue: I can’t give it a 10. Sorry. I would if it made sense.

Me: That’s fine. I’m happy with the 8.

Sue: I’d like to watch it again. I bet it makes more sense the second time.

I reach for the remote.

Sue: Not now, you idiot. In about ten years time.

We compromise and watch the behind the scenes documentary on the DVD instead. Andrew Cartmel tries to explain the plot. And fails.

Sue: At the end of the day, I’m not that bothered. It’s like Lost – it doesn’t make any sense but I enjoyed the ride. Let’s just leave it at that.

The experiment continues…

Stuff

This following poll is just a bit of fun – the decision has already been taken – but it’ll be interesting to see how many people will can upset in the process. Voting closes on Wednesday evening.

You know, it’s only just dawned on me that we’ve almost reached the end of this experiment. It was brought home to me when my dear friend, John Williams, sent us both a beautiful gift to mark the occasion. It is now hanging on our kitchen wall and Sue does her very best Terrance Dicks impression every time she sees it. Happy times and places.

Click the image to display a larger version:

But if there’s something even better than receiving gifts, it’s receiving contributions for our final Wife in Space podcast. So, if you want to a) ask Sue a question b) congratulate her for reaching the end of the experiment c) chastise her for not watching Shada, or liking The Invasion of Time very much or d) you’d like to tell her what she should watch next (assuming we ever do a sequel) now’s your final chance. Just record an audio file, upload it somewhere and send me the URL. Three submissions (chosen by Sue) will win a signed copy of the forthcoming Wife in Space book. If you’d like to sing that would be brilliant, too. You’ll definitely get a signed copy of the book for that if we decide to use it. Seriously, some of the entries have been a bit weird so far.

The deadline for submissions is now Monday 8th April (we’ve slipped a bit). Please send the link to your audio file via our contact form. If you require any help with this, please let me know and I’ll do my best to help. Many thanks.

Next Time

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who : Ghost Light [DVD] [1989]

Price: £8.26

(39 customer reviews)

Part One

Sue: This had better be good.

Me: What are you going to do if it isn’t? You can’t give up now.

Sue: Wanna bet? I could still do a Scanapanasky.

Me: Schapansky.

Sue: Whatever. I’m just saying.

Once Sue has gotten over the fact that the theme music isn’t in 5.1 surround sound, she latches onto the writer’s name.

Sue: Aaronovitch…

Me: You almost pronounced that correctly. Well done.

Sue: I like him, don’t I?

Me: Well, you liked Remembrance of the Daleks quite a lot, so yes.

Battlefield begins in a garden centre…

Sue: We’re outside and everything looks normal. Lovely.

A man and his wife are browsing for shrubbery…

Sue: Nice moving camera. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Me: And?

The Brig: Sergeant Benton, tree planting party, at the double!

Sue: IT’S THE BLOODY BRIG!

Me: I can’t believe it took you that long.

Sue: Sorry, I was looking at the plants.

Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart is married and retired.

Sue: Is that his wife?

Me: Yes.

Sue: Is she the one who used to be his fancy woman?

Me: Erm, yes.

Sue: Really? I was joking. Naughty Brig. Anyway, does this mean UNIT are finally coming back?

Just as Sue says this, we cut to a UNIT Range Rover…

Sue: UNIT!

Sue claps eyes on the new Brigadier – Winifred Bambera.

Sue: She’s a bit young, isn’t she?

Me: You know you’re getting old when UNIT Brigadiers look like they’ve walked straight out of college. It’s the same with the police.

Aside from this anomaly, Battlefield gets off to a cracking start…

Sue: It’s a fabulous location. I think I’m going to like this one.

Meanwhile, in a crystal ball/light fitting, a sorcerer named Morgaine is very pleased with herself.

Sue: Will there be flying monkeys in this?

Me: Not quite. Wait and see.

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS…

Sue: They’ve turned the lighting down. That’s nice.

Thanks to the low light, Sue doesn’t notice the wallpaper roundels, and I don’t have the heart to point them out to her. I also forgot to tell her that this is the last time she will see the traditional TARDIS interior. She’ll find out when she reads this blog entry. Sorry, love.

The Doctor slaps Ace’s hand away from the TARDIS controls.

Sue: If I were him, the first thing I’d do when I got a new companion is I’d teach them how to fly the TARDIS. You never know when that might be handy. Like, all the time.

The TARDIS materialises in England in the near future. The Doctor and Ace flag down a Range Rover.

Sue: This isn’t Mark Ayres, is it?

Me: No.

Sue: This is Keff, isn’t it?

Me: Yes.

I really wanted her to say “Shame” at this point. But she didn’t. Instead, she put her head in her hands and wept.

Sue: At least the direction is good.

She’s particularly impressed with the camera that has been mounted to the front of the Range Rover. She is much less impressed with the strange objects heading towards Earth…

Sue: That looks shit. Who’s throwing spoons at the planet?

Sue finally notices that the Doctor is wearing a new jacket.

Sue: Did he change his jacket because that one has bigger pockets? I like it, I just wish he would get rid of his question-mark jumper. Not only is it completely stupid, it must stink.

Meanwhile, a knight in armour has emerged from a crater in the ground…

Sue: Is he on his way to a Game of Thrones convention?

At UNIT’s mobile HQ, Bambera learns about the Doctor…

Sue: How does she not know this? How can she be the Brigadier without reading the Doctor’s file first? I’m telling you, she’s too young for this job.

Bambera’s version of Benton has a dire warning:

Zbrigniev: whenever this Doctor turns up – all hell breaks loose.

Sue: (in her best Russian accent) And all my friends die horribly. It’s a pain in the arse, actually.

The Brigadier is forced out of retirement…

Sue: Is that the Brigadier’s house?

Me: Yes.

Sue: He’s done very well for himself.

Me: The last time we saw him, he was living in a shed.

Sue: Doris must be minted. Or his military pension paid for it.

Me: The United Nations probably paid him off. You know, to keep him quiet.

Sue: Yeah, he knows where all the aliens are buried.

The Brigadier reminds us that this story takes place in the near future.

The Brig: I don’t care if it was the King. I’m still retired.

Sue: Is that a reference to Charles?

Me: Probably.

Sue: Is this revenge for the Queen not appearing in the 25th anniversary story?

Meanwhile, at Carbury’s local hotel…

Sue: Nice upside down pram.

Me: What?

Sue: That 2CV. Very nice.

The spoons being hurled at planet Earth turn out to be knights…

Sue: OK, I’m confused. Who are these people and why are they fighting each other? How am I supposed to tell them apart? They all look the same to me.

These knights are equipped with swords and laser guns.

Sue: Why would you fight somebody with a sword if you could just shoot them in the face?

Me: Something to do with honour, probably.

Sue: So why carry the guns at all? It makes no sense. What is going on?

Bambera drives out to see the TARDIS for herself…

Bambera: Shame.

Me: Do you like her catchphrase?

Sue: I’m just going to replace shame with shit. That’s what I’m supposed to do, isn’t it? It’s like frell and frak all over again.

Bambera is set upon by knights.

Sue: It looks and sounds like a corporate video for a historical reenactment society.

But it’s not all bad news…

Sue: Where is this hotel in real life? It’s rather nice. I’d quite like to stay there.

UNIT have sent a helicopter for the Brig…

Sue: Look at the size of his lawn! His pay-off must have been enormous. He’s got a rock star’s garden.

Sue is disappointed when she discovers that neither Mike and/or Benton are flying the chopper. Seriously.

Meanwhile, Ace has made a new friend – Shou Yuing. They retire to the beer garden to discuss terrorism.

Ace: BOOM!

Just as Ace shouts this, the explosion from a nearby grenade sends a knight flying into the air.

Sue: ****ing hell! It’s kid’s TV again. That was rubbish.

The injured knight is found unconscious in the brewery. His name is Ancelyn.

Sue: Hmmm… Dishy.

Me: You know you aren’t supposed to tell your husband stuff like that, don’t you?

Ancelyn believes that the Doctor is none other than Merlin.

Sue: Right, so either the Doctor has a double, he becomes Merlin in the future, or his memory is worse than mine. So which is it?

Me: Wait and see!

Bambera wants to apprehend the Doctor and Ace…

Bambera: You’re all under arrest. You and your freaky friends.

Ace: Who are you calling freaky?

Sue: That is so unrealistic. You wouldn’t talk to someone like that if they were pointing a machine gun at you. This reminds me of Scooby ****ing Doo.

The episode concludes with more knights turning up to complicate things.

Sue: Well, at least the Brig is in it, the location is nice and the director is trying. I’m not sure about these knights, though.

Part Two

Bambera shoots at the lead knight but her bullet bounces off his armour. Modred laughs his head off.

Sue: Aim for his teeth. That would wipe the smug look off his face.

Mordred believes that the Doctor is Merlin as well.

Sue: Has the Doctor been appearing in other franchises?

Me: Are you familiar with the legend of King Arthur?

Sue: Not really. Everything I learned about King Arthur I learned from Prog Rock and Monty Python.

The Brigadier is a passenger in a helicopter. He asks the pilot if the new Brigadier is a good sort of chap.

Sue: Sexist pig. But I’ll let him off – he’s the Brig.

Ancelyn flirts with Bambera…

Sue: He’s like the blonde one from Game of Thrones.

Me: Jaime.

Sue: Yeah, but even better looking. Actually, there’s a lot of eye candy in this one. The bad knight is quite tasty too.

Me: Bring back Dee Sadler!

Ancelyn and Bambera start wrestling on the grass.

Sue: That would never happen in a million years. Fun, though.

Modred opens up a portal. Keff turns it up to 11. Asleep in his helicopter, the Brig suddenly awakens.

Sue: Keff’s woken the Brig up! This music is so inappropriate. It should be less dancey and more mystical. They should have got Rick Wakeman in to do it.

Jean Marsh arrives as Morgaine…

Sue: Ah, now she is excellent. She’s the Upstairs, Downstairs lady.

I pause the DVD to probe Sue’s memories of Jean Marsh’s involvement with early Doctor Who, but I just end up confusing her.

Sue: So the Brigadier is her brother?

Me: No, she shot her brother in a William Hartnell episode. He wasn’t the Brigadier then.

Sue: So they aren’t related?

Me: Oh, just forget I said anything.

The next day, the Brigadier is still stuck in a helicopter.

Sue: Where the hell were they flying him from? Los Angeles?

Me: They stopped in London overnight.

Sue: WHY?

Me: Maybe he has a weak bladder? How the hell should I know?

Meanwhile, at Carbury’s archaeological dig, a man named Warmsly is overseeing the excavation.

Sue: It’s Rob Shearman meets Tony Robinson.

The Doctor finds a carving which tells them to dig in a specific place. This carving written is in the Doctor’s handwriting. Sue doesn’t bat an eyelid at this.

Meanwhile, in a ****ing helicopter…

Sue: What is this? Treasure Hunt?

Me: It’s the little known spin-off, Challenge Alistair.

Morgaine decides to make her presence felt…

Sue: I love her costume. And the direction is really good. Lots of tight, dramatic close-ups.

Morgaine attacks the Brigadier’s helicopter with magic.

Sue: That looks great. That’s a very impressive stunt.

The helicopter crashes. As the Brigadier flings himself away from the explosion, he desperately covers up his bald patch with his hat. Sue finds this endearing.

The Brig: Five million pounds worth of aircraft, and we’ve lost it. We’ll be poor for the rest of our lives.

Sue: The script is very good. It has just the right balance of humour and excitement. I like really like Aaronaranovitch.

Lavel, the helicopter pilot, has hurt her leg.

Sue: She’s very attractive for a helicopter pilot. Actually, it’s a very attractive cast all round.

Me: What? Even him?

I’m pointing at Warmsly, who is suddenly quoting Tennyson at anyone who’ll listen…

Warmsly: Take the sword and fling him far into the middle mere. Watch what thou seest and lightly bring me word.

Sue: Has he been taken over by the bad guys? Has he turned evil? What’s going on?

The Doctor and Ace enter a tunnel which has been buried in the ground…

Sue: Lovely pipe work. Doctor Who are really good at making circular tunnels during this period of the show.

But the interior disappoints…

Sue: It looks like a bloody fun fair ride.

The Doctor opens the entrance to a spaceship with his voice.

Sue: So the Doctor must be Merlin in this body, otherwise that wouldn’t have worked. If he’d have been Jon Pertwee, he would have had a lisp when he said it. That’s interesting.

The Doctor and Ace walk into an ancient spacecraft…

Sue: Now this is more like it. Nice crane shot, too. Yes, this is very good.

Ace pulls a sword from a stone plinth. And then all hell breaks loose.

The Doctor: I only hope you haven’t disturbed anything else!

Sue: I think screaming at her might disturb something else. Keep your voice down!

The ship’s automated defence system results in Ace getting trapped in a water tank, while the Doctor is rendered helpless by a CGI snake. Cue credits.

Sue: Great cliffhanger. The snake was terrible but the thought of Ace drowning is quite disturbing.

When this episode finished, I showed Sue the Water Tank feature on the DVD. Her eyes glazed over during the first couple of minutes, but when she realised that things were about to go dangerously pear shaped, she was suddenly gripped.

Sue: It turns out that Sylvester McCoy was a hero in real life, too. That’s nice.

Part Three

Sue: Oh look, they’ve left the crack in the tank in shot. Oh well, I suppose they had to make the most out of almost killing her.

Ace is propelled out of the tank and she eventually emerges from Lake Vortigen with Excalibur in her hand…

Sue: Clever. Corny, but clever.

The Brigadier rescues the Doctor. He doesn’t seem bothered that his old friend has changed his face once again.

Sue: He’s seen it all before. Nothing phases the Brig. He doesn’t need to read a file to know what’s what. He never should have retired in the first place.

Back at the hotel, an inebriated Mordred taunts the landlord and his blind wife…

Modred: With your aspect, it is well that she is blind! Ha ha ha!

Morgaine arrives at the hotel, and then she proceeds to confuse the hell out of Sue by a) killing a helicopter pilot and b) healing a blind woman. All in the same scene.

Elizabeth: I can see. Patrick, I can see!

Sue: (as Elizabeth) Oh Christ, you really are butt-ugly. I thought he was kidding. Shit.

Ancelyn and Bambera enjoy their own mini-adventure in a 2CV. You can cut the sexual tension with a sword, but Bambera doesn’t appear to be interested in the pan-dimensional beefcake.

Sue: Right, so they’ve got a black lesbian in to front UNIT? That ticks a lot of boxes.

As Bambera and Ancelyn get involved in a firefight, Sue starts to sing-along to Keff. Ironically, I think. I say this because by the time she sung the final sting, she seems to be really, really angry.

Bambera uses the 2CV’s open roof to pepper the countryside with bullets…

Knight: Magnificent!

Sue: You need to get out more, love.

And then Bambera finally sees the light:

Bambera: So, you married or what?

Sue: Hallelujah!

Back at the Gore Crow Hotel, UNIT are in charge. Elizabeth isn’t very happy when a solider helps her to evacuate.

Patrick: You’ll have to excuse my wife. Half an hour ago she was blind.

Sue: He sounds annoyed that she can see again.

Me: She’s been on the phone to her solicitors. He told her that he looked like Robert Redford.

Sue: He’s not that bad. He’s just in an episode full of really attractive men.

Me: For ****’s sake!

Warmsly and Patrick are pacified with a quick stare from the Doctor.

Sue: Did he just hypnotise them?

Me: Pretty much.

Sue: So the Doctor is becoming the Master? Hmm. I’m not sure how I feel about that. It also begs the question – why hasn’t he done this a million times before? Like every single time he’s been arrested for something he hasn’t done?

Me: Maybe he’s been practising in his room?

Sue: It’s lazy.

The Brigadier tells the Doctor that UNIT are prepared for an alien invasion:

The Brig: We’ve got high-explosive rounds for Yetis and very efficient armour-piercing rounds for robots. And we’ve even got gold-tipped bullets for you know what.

The Doctor: No silver?

The Brig: Silver bullets?

Sue: Yes, just in case you get attacked by the werewolf from the last story. It could happen.

I’m just annoyed that Sue didn’t pick up on the fact that Yetis are robots.

The Brigadier has a present for the Doctor…

The Doctor: Bessie!

Sue: I never liked Bessie. It’s a toff’s car. It won’t suit him at all. He’d be better off in a Morris Minor.

And then we cut to the Doctor running through a field, his arms outstretched…

Sue: What the ****?

Me: BOLLOCKS!

In December 2008, when I bought Battlefield on DVD, I got ten minutes into Part One when my PS3 went tits up on me. There was no way to eject the disc and I had to sent the hardware back to Sony. They sent us a new PS3 a few days later, and 18 months after that, they finally sent me Battlefield Disc One back in the post. They must have knackered the disc in the process – there’s a whopping great scratch running through it. I was tempted to break out the Special Edition on Disc Two, but I managed to resist.

Me: BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS! BOLLOCKS!

The next day, thanks to the Internet, we picked up where we left off…

Ace takes the piss out of the Doctor’s car, but Bessie leaves at such a speed, it leaves burning tyre tracks in its wake.

Sue: There was no need for that. This feels like a Sarah Jane Adventure. It’s very childish. It doesn’t feel like proper Doctor Who, somehow. It feels like a cheap knock-off.

Morgaine can’t believe that the Doctor has been stupid enough to leave Excalibur with a child.

Sue: At least she’s taking things seriously. She’s the best thing in this by a mile.

In the hotel, Ace draws a chalk circle around her and Shou Yuing.

Sue: Draw it closer to the bar. You might get thirsty.

And when they end up sitting on a cold stone floor:

Sue: You should have drawn it around the sofa, chick. You didn’t think this through, did you?

Outside, a battle is raging. At one point, a UNIT solider fires a rocket that manages to take out a knight and one of his colleagues at the same time.

Sue: Oppps! Friendly fire! You know, they did this sort of thing so much better in the 1970s.

Mordred and Ancelyn prepare to fight to the death…

Sue: They had excellent dental care in King Arthur’s time. Lovely teeth, the pair of them.

The Doctor places himself between the knights to stop the fighting.

The Doctor: Stop! I command it! There will be no battle here!

Sue: That was a bit over the top. He sounds like he did when he was trying to stop Ace from drowning. I think it’s gone to his head.

The episode ends with Morgaine summoning the beast known as the Destroyer…

Sue: That looks really good, actually. Funny colour for a monster, though. Shouldn’t it be green?

Part Four

The Doctor threatens to decapitate Modred with his umbrella.

Mordred: We know you of old, Merlin. You will not kill.

The Doctor: I wouldn’t count on it.

Sue: Yeah, he blows up planets now. I’d watch out if I were you.

Morgaine sacrifices her son for the greater bad.

Sue: Well, I didn’t expect that! What a bitch!

The battle continues to rage on a misty field…

Sue: More mist! More mist! That way we won’t be able to see how naff these fight scenes are. The director can handle the big speeches and character moments, but he can’t direct action. This is pretty shoddy.

The Doctor would rather give Excalibur to Morgaine than lose Ace…

The Doctor: Exotic alien swords are easy to come by. Aces are rare.

Sue: He really cares about her. It’s a different relationship to what we’ve seen before. It’s definitely more caring.

The Doctor enters an interstitial vortex and Ace follows him, despite being told to stay put.

Ace: Geronimo!

Sue: That’s interesting. Ace wore a fez the other week as well. I think Ace must have had a big impact on the Doctor. He keeps copying her in the new series.

The Brigadier enters the fray, and he shoots the Destroyer in the chest without so much as a “Hello!”

Sue: The Brigadier hasn’t learned anything, has he? He just barges in and starts shooting. The Doctor has had absolutely no impact on him at all.

The Destroyer throws the Brigadier out of a window.

The Doctor: That was uncalled for!

Sue: And shooting that thing without so much as a warning was OK, was it? That’s a bit hypocritical.

The Destroyer is freed…

Morgaine: Too late, Merlin. The gateway is open. I am gone and you have lost.

Sue: I have to honest with you – I haven’t got the faintest idea what’s going on anymore. I’m totally lost.

The Destroyer promises to devour our world.

Sue: How long will that take, exactly? He’ll need a very large plate.

The Doctor prepares to face the beast with a gun loaded with silver bullets, but the Brigadier knocks the Time Lord out so he can take on the job himself.

Sue: There was no need for that. I’m sure the Doctor would have agreed if he’d just asked him. That’s the Brig’s job – to do the Doctor’s dirty work for him.

The Brigadier faces down the Destroyer…

The Brig: Get off my world!

Sue: You go, Brig!

The Brigadier does the best he can. And his best is pretty good, actually, because the Destroyer is destroyed. Unfortunately, the Doctor believes that his old friend has been killed in the process.

The Doctor: You stupid, stubborn, pig-headed numskull. You were supposed to die in bed.

I tell Sue that they planned to kill the Brigadier off, but they bottled it at the last-minute.

Sue: Good. Why would you want to kill the Brig? That would have been stupid.

The Brig: I’m going home to Doris.

The Doctor: Doris?

The Brig: Yes, my wife.

The Doctor: So she caught you in the end.

Sue: Does he mean that his first wife caught him having an affair and she kicked him out?

The Doctor finds a note which he left to himself in the future/past…

Sue: That’s the sort of thing the new series would do. It’s very timey-wimey. This Doctor is very crafty.

But it’s not over yet…

Sue: This would be so much better without the music and the fight scenes. Unfortunately, that’s all there is.

The Doctor talks Morgaine out of launching a nuclear missile.

Sue: Great speech – I really liked that. He really meant it.

Morgaine is overcome with emotion when the Doctor tells her that Arthur died years ago.

Morgaine: We were together in the woods of Celadon…

Sue: Yeah, I bet you bloody were.

The episode is wrapped up back at the Brigadier’s mansion…

Sue: This is a nice, sweet ending.

Me: Are you joking? It’s a ****ing sitcom ending!

Sue: Yeah, the music is very sitcom, but at least it’s appropriate for a change.

The Final Score

Sue: I didn’t really like that very much. It was very slow. The only decent thing about it was the Brig and the witch. The director couldn’t handle the action scenes, and I didn’t understand the plot at all. You know, ever since we saw that one with the Daleks, I thought Doctor Who was going to be good again. But it’s not. It’s all over the place. I was hoping we would finish this blog on a high. It’s very disappointing.

Me: Go on. Say it. Please.

Sue: Shame.

4/10

The experiment continues…

There are only 10 episodes of the classic series and the TV Movie to go. In between McCoy and McGann I want to release a McPodcast, but we can’t do that without you.

This is your last chance to be a part of The Wife in Space. All you have to do is send us an audio file. It doesn’t have to be recorded with expensive equipment – you could record yourself on your phone. Anyway, if you could identify yourself – “Hi, I’m X from Y” – at the beginning, you could then a) ask Sue a question b) congratulate her for getting to the end of the experiment c) chastise her for not watching Marco Polo properly, or liking Snakedance very much or d) you could tell us what Sue should watch next (assuming that we ever do a sequel). It’s entirely up to you. Three submissions (chosen by Sue) will win a signed copy of the forthcoming Wife in Space book. Of course, if you’d like to sing at her that would be brilliant, too. You’ll definitely get a signed copy of the book for that.

The deadline for submissions is Wednesday 3rd April. Please send your audio file to us via a Dropbox link (or similar) through our contact form. If you require any help with this, please drop me a line via the same form and I’ll do my best to help you. Many thanks.

Next Time

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Doctor Who – Battlefield [DVD] [1989]

Price: £7.45

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