Part One

Sue: Robert Holmes. That’s a good start. I’m not thrilled with the cheesy narration, but I can live with it.

The Doctor is on his way to Gallifrey when he is overwhelmed by a vision.

Sue: OK, pause this for a second. What just happened?

Me: The Doctor had a premonition. He just saw himself assassinating the Time Lord President in the future.

Sue: I didn’t know he was clairvoyant. He kept that quiet.

The TARDIS arrives on Gallifrey; the planet’s security service identify it as the property of a convicted criminal.

Sue: That’s not fair. I thought the Doctor had been forgiven? You know, when he saved everyone from being eaten by a black hole. And he’s been working for the Time Lords, on-and-off, for years. They have very short memories.

As the Doctor ponders his next move, Sue feels uneasy.

Sue: It doesn’t feel right seeing the Doctor on his own like this. I’m guessing that the new companion will turn up later. They’re usually very easy to spot. Hang on, is that a bong? There’s no time for that! People usually hide their bongs when the police turn up.

Guards break into the TARDIS but they fall for the Doctor’s ruse and he escapes into the Capitol.

Sue: Hmmm. I expected better. I thought security on Gallifrey would be a lot more formidable than that.

The Master, for it is he (not that Sue suspects a thing), is skulking around in the darkness.

Sue: Gallifrey looks like an eighties disco. I haven’t seen this much dry ice since I saw Gary Numan in concert in 1981.

Castellan Spandrell and Coordinator Engin uncover evidence that the Doctor has worked for the Celestial Intervention Agency.

Sue: So the CIA are like –

Me: The CIA? Yes.

Sue: Right. That actually makes sense.

It doesn’t take Sue long to warm to Spandrell, as played by George Pravda.

Sue: He’s an odd actor but I think I like him. There’s something loveable about him, even if he is a bit bizarre.

When Spandrell and Engin discuss the significance of the Doctor’s Prydonian seal, Sue pauses the DVD again.

Sue: OK, what does that mean?

Me: Well, it’s a bit like Harry Potter.

Sue: That doesn’t help. I’m a grown woman.

Me: It’s a chapter house.

Sue: Like a posh boarding school?

Me: If you like.

Sue: So Gallifrey is basically Oxbridge? This a lot for me to take in. It feels like I’m drowning in information.

We see the Master again and SHE STILL DOESN’T SAY IT. Later, when I ask her why it didn’t cross her mind, she tells me it’s because she thought the Master was a completely different alien species, which makes sense, I guess.

Sue: So this is a Gallifreyan Jubilee?

Me: More like an abdication.

Sue: I’m surprised that the Time Lords have television. What do Time Lords watch when this isn’t going on? Do they have Gallifreyan game shows?

Me: If you say The Regeneration Game, I will have to kill you.

We learn that Runcible the broadcaster/fatuous was one of Cardinal Borusa’s pupils at the Prydon Academy.

Sue: So Runcible was a media student?

Oh dear, she’s beginning to channel Jan Vincent-Rudzki. But at least she concedes that the Time Lords differ from humans in one significant way:

Sue: Silver eye shadow and lip balm combo. Nice.

OK, unless you happen to be David Bowie.

The episode concludes with the Doctor shooting the president, but Sue isn’t fooled.

Sue: They cloned a double of the Doctor from his bio-data thingy.

She’s awfully smug about this.

Sue: It’s pretty obvious, really.

Don’t worry, I stopped the episode as soon as the credits began – Philip Hinchcliffe wasn’t that big on anagrams and they give the game away – but Sue remains none the wiser, and that’s just the way I like it.

Part Two

Sue doesn’t like it when a cliffhanger is resolved unfairly, so when she spots the second gunman in the reprise, she’s not happy.

Sue: How am I supposed to get it right when I don’t have all the evidence?

And then…

Sue: So, if the Doctor was shooting at the other assassin, was he just a terrible shot, or did the assassin in the crowd kill the president and the Doctor was just firing blanks? Or did the Doctor really just kill the president? Is the Doctor the deadly assassin?

The Doctor is tortured in a cell, the design of which Sue loves (it reminds her of a more brutal version of Magneto’s cell from the X-Men movies). The Doctor refuses to confess and he is placed on trial. He is sentenced to death but the Doctor evokes Article 17.

Sue: That’s a bit far-fetched. How can you seriously have a convicted criminal running for office? That’s just silly.

Me: Bobby Sands, 1981.

Sue: Oh yeah. Good point, well made.

Goth is conspiring with the Master. He tries to hide it by putting on a raspy voice (for whose benefit?) but Sue has already guessed that it’s Goth anyway. It was his enthusiasm for the Doctor’s execution that gave him away.

Goth calls the Master “master” at one point, but she doesn’t bite. I’m disappointed, if I’m honest.

Sue: He looks like Darth Vader without his mask on.

The Doctor begins his investigation into the assassination. Sue howls with laughter when we see a chalk mark outline of the dead president on the floor of the Panopticon.

Sue: That was supposed to be funny, wasn’t it?

The Doctor scours the scene of the crime for evidence that might exonerate him.

Sue: The set is very creaky. It looks great but it sounds bloody terrible.

When the Doctor discovers the shrunken body of a camera operator, Sue immediately appreciates its significance.

Sue: But it can’t be the Master. It doesn’t look anything like him.

And then she comes to a rather startling conclusion:

Sue: What a terrible thing to regenerate into. He pulled the short straw, there. If I were him, I’d kill myself and start all over again.

The Doctor realises that the Master has tampered with the Matrix – a living mind that stores the cells of deceased Time Lords.

Sue: So is the Matrix like -

Me: The Matrix? Yes.

Sue: Is that just a coincidence? If it is, it’s a big one. Even the colour scheme is the same – all those greens. If you bought 100 Matrix DVD boxsets and you stacked them up, you’d have a Gallifreyan pillar.

Me: That would cost at least £100.

The Doctor’s mind enters the Matrix and he is immediately set upon by a crocodile/alligator (I admit it: I DON’T KNOW!).

Sue: Time Lord heaven is a bit shit, isn’t it? I mean, if this is where Time Lords go when they die, no wonder they put off as long as possible.

The Doctor explores this nightmare dreamscape and at one point he finds himself on a surgeon’s table.

Sue: Not. For. Kids.

The episode concludes with the Doctor facing an oncoming train.

Sue: That was great. Let’s watch the next one.

Me: We can’t. You know the rules. Trust me, it’s a lot better if the cliffhanger stays in your mind’s eye. For a whole day.

Part Three

It’s World Goth Day and we’re celebrating the occasion in Goth’s World. Even Nicol pops in for a bit.

She immediately regrets it. She’s brought her dinner with her and she’s just about to swallow a mouthful of vegetable lasagne when the Doctor steps into a large, ripe egg.

Nicol: Thanks for that.

Sue fills Nicol in on what’s she’s missed so far, and how the Doctor isn’t staggering around your average alien quarry.

Sue: He’s in a virtual reality called the Matrix. What do you think of that?

Nicol: It’s like Inception.

Me: It’s more like The Matrix.

Nicol: I was being sarcastic.

Me: Right, well you might want to work on that.

Sue: It’s very brave for its time. It’s very unnerving. You don’t know what will happen next.

The Doctor finds himself on a sand dune, but when he rubs away the sand, a laughing clown is reflected back at him.

Me: That terrified me when I was seven.

Sue: You don’t like clowns much, do you?

Nicol: Is this where you get your fear of clowns from?

Me: No, it’s clowns that give me my fear of clowns.

It becomes clear that Goth is in control of this reality.

Nicol: So it really is like Inception. Someone’s mind is creating this world and the other mind has to deal with it. So there.

The Doctor is attacked by a biplane.

Sue: I like the North by Northwest reference – they are definitely pushing the boat out – but the machine gun on that plane is pointing up at the sky. That’s bad direction, I’m afraid. It stands out because everything else is so good.

Goth decides to poison the water supply.

Sue: As if the Doctor would be tempted by that muddy puddle! He should have imagined a nice waterfall – that would have been more appetising. The rules in the Matrix are a bit sketchy.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the Master dispatches a hypnotised slave to sabotage the Doctor’s connection to the Matrix.

Sue: Is that Rodney Bewes?

Neil: You and your Rodney Bewes fixation. No, it is not Rodney Bewes. Never ask me that again.

Sue asks Nicol for her verdict on the new Master.

Sue: What do you make of that, Nic?

Nicol rolls her eyes. But what do you expect from someone who thought The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a comedy. OK, maybe she’s right, but for her to work that out when she was 14 years of age still worries me.

The Doctor finds an empty phial of poison lying next to the puddle.

Sue: That’s a schoolboy error. You wouldn’t catch Carlos the Jackal doing that.

Regrettable spiders aside (“I’ve seen worse”), Sue soaks up the ending.

Sue: I really like this fight. It’s realistic because it’s so clumsy.

The episode concludes with Doctor Who‘s most notorious cliffhanger, as Goth holds the Doctor’s head under water and the director, David Maloney, holds it in a freeze-frame.

Sue: Blimey.

Me: Too strong?

Sue: No, I love it.

Me: For kids?

Sue: Not for kids.

Part Four

Sue: This is rather exciting.

That’s all I get out of Sue for the first few minutes of Part Four. But then the problems start…

Sue: I can’t understand a word the Master is saying. I bet he has a terrible time hypnotising people with that voice. “You will &*^&%& me.” – “Eh? What?”

The Master leaves Goth to die an agonising death.

Sue: Well, he certainly made the most of that death scene. Good actor, though.

Me: Bernard Horsfall played a Time Lord in The War Games. He exiled Patrick Troughton to Earth.

Sue: Did he really? I thought he looked familiar. That’s nice continuity, too.

Interestingly, Sue despises Borusa.

Sue: What a slimy git.

And then, given that she’s exhausted the limited options available to her, she asks the question I’ve been expecting for a while:

Sue: Are are these two old men the new companions?

Me: Spandrell and Engin? I’d love to say yes but I don’t think I can bluff it out.

Sue: They are very sweet. I couldn’t see them running up and down any corridors, though. That would be tricky.

Sue doesn’t believe that the Master is dead for a second. And the fact that there are nearly twenty minutes left on the clock is a bit of a giveaway, too, to be fair.

The Doctor and the Master face off in the mortuary; the Master explains what he has in store for Gallifrey.

Sue: I haven’t got a clue what he just said.

And then she starts to bombard me with questions:

Sue: Right, so is this the same Master as the one we saw before? Or is it supposed to be the same one? I know it can’t be the same one. Do you know what I mean?

Me: No one really knows for sure. The Master could have regenerated several times before he ended up like this.

Sue: OK, that makes sense, because he sounds nothing like Roger Delgado. So has the Master been injured? He didn’t regenerate into this?

Me: I believe so. And because he’s on his 13th life, he can’t regenerate.

Sue: So how was he injured?

Me: I don’t know.

Sue: I bet he made a deal with some aliens and they betrayed him. That’s probably why he’s raced through all his regenerations while the Doctor is still only on his fourth life.

The Master and the Doctor have a big fight over the Eye of Harmony.

Sue: I’m losing interest. I’m not sure what the hell it is I’m supposed to be looking at. I just know it’s supposed to be bad. It’s a shame, but what else can you do in a TV studio? They should have battled it out in the Matrix. This is really boring compared to that place.

The Master falls down a black hole (no, not that kind) and before we know it, the Doctor is bidding Spandrell and Engin farewell. But the Master isn’t dead and escapes in a TARDIS disguised as a grandfather clock.

Sue: I think the Doctor knew the Master was still alive. He gave that clock a long, hard stare before he left. I think he likes having the Master around. I don’t know why.

When the Master’s TARDIS dematerialises, his face is superimposed over the clock face.

Sue: There was no need for that. It makes the Master’s TARDIS look cramped.

The Final Score

Sue: I’m sorry but the ending let it down. The first three episodes were perfect. It was heading for a nine or a ten when they were in the Matrix, but the last episode felt like it had been directed by a completely different person. I wasn’t sure what was going on at the end. I don’t know how I feel about the Master coming back like that, too. The whole thing felt a bit off. And the ending felt contrived – they should have battled it out in the Matrix, that would have been more interesting. But I liked it and the first three episodes were as good as it gets.

8/10

Me: Damn it. I was really hoping that you’d say 9/10, and then I would say “Oh. Thank you, Sue” and it would have been wonderfully meta.

Sue: Yeah, but it isn’t worth a nine.

I decide to show Sue some extra features, specifically the interview with Jan Vincent-Rudzki where he explains why, as president of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society in 1976, he thought The Deadly Assassin was a load of old rubbish.

Me: Do you agree that the Time Lords in this story bear no resemblance to the Time Lords we’ve seen previously?

Sue: No. The bad guy was the same Time Lord who exiled Patrick Troughton. Of course it’s the same Time Lords.

Me: What about his criticism that Time Lords wouldn’t have bad hips?

Sue: Well, if you regenerated every time you had a twinge in your hip, you’d get through your twelve lives pretty sharpish. If they had unlimited regenerations, they’d all look like the Chippendales.

The experiment continues…

Addendum

Firstly, the winner of the ‘It’s Not Dudley’ badge competition is: Thomas Evans. I’ll be in touch with you via Facebook later this week, Thomas. Thanks to all who took part and to everyone who took the time to vote.

Secondly, there will be a short delay until the next update. Sue is going to London for a few days and on Friday morning she will be in the same room as the Moff. Will their paths collide? Will she get his attention? Will security be called? Will absolutely nothing happen and I’ll wish I never even mentioned it? Probably.

Anyway, tune into the next update (due May 30th) or keep up with the latest developments (assuming any occur) via Facebook and Twitter.

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Deadly Assassin [DVD] [1976]

Price: £5.99

Part One

The Hand of Fear begins on the frozen wastes of Kastria…

Sue: Is this the planet of the anoraks?

A humanoid figure tracks a spaceship on a computer screen.

Sue: He’s playing the slowest game of Pong ever.

This cold opening, which features an asthmatic alien freezing its bollocks off, doesn’t do anything for Sue. She turns to me and frowns.

Sue: Neil?

Me: Yes, love?

Sue: What the **** is going on?

A spaceship explodes, and then the galaxy goes for a little spin.

Sue: OK, I think the acid just kicked in.

So, to sum up:

Sue: What a terrible start. I didn’t understand a single word of that. What just happened? Is it all going to be like this?

Cue contemporary Earth. The TARDIS has landed in a quarry, which this week is doubling up for a, er, quarry. This throws Sue; she believes we’re back on Kastria after the thaw.

When Sarah exits the TARDIS, Sue’s automatic retort doesn’t disappoint. But at least her supplementary follow-up is original:

Sue: She looks like Andy Pandy. You know, I had a pair of dungarees just like Sarah Jane’s, but mine had blue and cream stripes and they were a little less flared at the bottom. It’s a very cute look.

The Doctor is unperturbed by the deafening sound of sirens and he decides to hone his cricketing skills.

Sue: Well, that’s just bollocks, isn’t it? That rock wouldn’t have fallen over like that. It breaks the laws of physics. They must have used fishing wire to pull it over.

The Doctor and Sarah are distracted by a man in a hard-hat waving at them from afar.

Sue: This reminds me of a 1970s Public Information Film.

But it’s too late. The quarry explodes. Sue sits up in her chair.

Sue: Now that was good.

The Doctor searches the rubble for his friend. He finds Sarah unconscious but alive. She is clutching a petrified hand and she won’t let it go.

Sue: It’s a helping hand.

Me: Right, I’m banning all hand jokes. The next person who makes a joke about hands, arms, or appendages of any kind, will have to empty the cats’ litter trays for the rest of the week.

Sue: What about fingers? Do they count?

The Doctor and Sarah are taken to a hospital.

Sue: This could so easily have been a crossover with Casualty. Where’s Charlie when you need him?

Me: Ah, Derek Thompson, the only actor to rub the back of his neck more times than Jon Pertwee.

The Doctor has his injuries treated but, thanks to NHS bureaucracy, he has to tell the intern where he comes from.

Sue: Gallifree? Where the hell is Gallifree?

Sarah wakes up and she’s not feeling herself. She attacks a kindly doctor named Carter and runs away with the hand.

Me: I love this bit. I definitely remember playing Doctor Who in school playground the Monday after this went out, and the girls took it in turns to be Sarah; it was their job to kill me. Evil Sarah was easy to mimic: a girl just had to walk around with a glazed look on her face, a sandwich box under her arm, and a gaudy ring on her finger. I was killed hundreds of times that week. One day, we mistook some white fossilised dog poo for one of Eldrad’s missing fingers.

Carter regains consciousness…

Sue: I’m glad he’s not dead. I wouldn’t have wanted Sarah Jane to live with that on her conscience. I know it’s not her really fault but just think of the guilt.

Even Carter thinks Sarah looks like Andy Pandy…

Sue: Oh, bollocks.

Sarah strides into a nearby nuclear power station…

Sue: This is quite eerie. I like the direction – there are some interesting camera angles. It’s a bit different to what we usually get. The location is interesting, too. Pertwee would have loved this place.

The cliffhanger ending, which features the hand of Eldrad returning to life, evokes another strong childhood memory. They don’t make them like this anymore.

Sue: It’s The Addams Family meets Torchwood.

Me: Torchwood?

Sue: Don’t they end up with this hand in Torchwood?

It takes me while to work out that she’s talking about the 10th Doctor’s amputated hand.

Me: No, that isn’t the right hand.

Sue: No, it’s definitely a right hand. You can tell by looking at the thumb.

I reach for a cushion.

Sue: Still, that was a great cliffhanger. We’re off to a very good start. Apart from the scene at the beginning. What the hell was that all about?

Part Two

Sarah communicates with the spirit of Eldrad…

Sue: She really is talking to the hand, cos the face definitely ain’t listening.

When Glyn (“He’s been in loads of stuff”) Houston arrives on the scene as Professor Watson, Sue quickly ends up feeling sorry for him.

Sue: He’s worried about how this ****-up is going to look when they call for the inevitable public inquiry. I bet he was days away from retirement as well.

In spite of the current emergency, Watson allows the Doctor to waltz around as if he owned the place.

Sue: He’s letting a complete stranger fiddle with the controls to his nuclear reactor. The security in this place is a disgrace.

But Sue seems to like this episode. She’s impressed with the hand effect (“For its time”), the unusual camera angles are right up her street, and Carter’s death, which involves him plummeting from a very tall height, is heaped with praise. But for Sue, the best moment occurs when Watson telephones his family to say goodbye.

Sue: That was really sad. I didn’t expect that. I actually give a shit about this character, now.

The Doctor experiments on the hand and he concludes that it is feeding on radiation.

Sarah makes a lame gag about it not being as ‘armless as it looks.

Sue: Hey! Sarah is doing hand jokes, now. That’s not fair.

The Doctor probes Sarah’s mind for information about Eldrad.

Sue: It’s a great performance from Elisabeth Sladen. She looks like she’s really enjoying this story. And so am I.

Meanwhile, a technician named Driscoll is possessed by Eldrad’s mighty ring of power…

Sue: OK, forget Torchwood, it’s The Addams Family meets Lord of the Rings.

Me: You’re mad, love.

Sue: The hand doesn’t appear to have grown very much. At this rate, we’ll be here all day waiting for it to sprout a forearm.

The episode concludes with Driscoll stepping into the reactor core. This starts a chain reaction.

Sue: This is really good. I still have no idea what the scene at the beginning has to do with anything, but that wasn’t bad at all. Oh, and Neil?

Me: What?

Sue: Eldrad must live.

Part Three

Sue: It’s all gone a bit Chernobyl. If the explosion doesn’t kill them, the radiation will. Unless they come up with a sci-fi explanation for it.

But of course they do.

Sue: OK, fair enough. But Watson should probably phone his wife back before she books a luxury cruise with the insurance.

Eldrad is trapped in the reactor core and he wants to get out.

Sue: Eldrad sounds like a whale. The hand is going to turn into a crap monster, isn’t it?

Watson requests a nuclear strike on the nuclear reactor and the RAF oblige him in less than ten minutes flat.

Me: That must have been some phone call.

Sue: This can’t be a good idea. If Eldrad eats radiation then this attack will be a takeaway snack. Blimey, it really has turned into a 1970s Public Information Film. In the event of a nuclear blast, please hide behind your nearest car. No wonder the Doctor is taking the piss. This is ridiculous.

The reactor is opened and we prepare to meet Eldrad…

Sue: Please, don’t let the monster be shit…

Eldrad emerges.

Sue: Oh, I wasn’t expecting that. Is it a lady alien? You don’t see that every day.

Sue checks her out.

Sue: Chipped mirrored tiles were all the rage in the 1970s. And he looks like one of the X-Men. Don’t ask me which one. But yeah, it works for me.

The Doctor brings Eldrad up to speed with current events: 150 million years have passed since she crashed landed on Earth.

Sue: I think they should help her out.

Me: Are you sure about that?

Sue: Yeah. She’s having a really bad time. Poor thing.

Watson has the opposite reaction and he tries to gun her down in a corridor.

Sue: Two nukes didn’t kill her so I’ll try these bullets instead. You idiot.

Eldrad retaliates and Watson is enveloped in pain.

Me: Do you still want to help her?

Sue: He just shot her six times. I’d be pissed off if I were her. And she didn’t kill him. Chill.

The Doctor, Sarah and Eldrad leave Watson to deal with the metaphorical fallout.

Sue: Somebody should take that gun off him before he shoots himself in the head. His wife might get her cruise after all.

The TARDIS arrives on Kastria…

Sue: Finally. That scene at the beginning might make sense now.

The episode concludes with Eldrad setting off a lethal booby trap that spears through her chest. It’s one of those rare occasions where a cliffhanger makes Sue gasp.

Sue: Bloody hell, I didn’t see that coming. I told you she was the goodie. You wouldn’t have a cliffhanger where the villain was in danger, would you? That would be silly.

Part Four

Within minutes, Sue is singing from hymn sheet of the fan consensus…

Sue: This is a bit silly now.

What really annoys her is the way the Doctor and Sarah will take time out to spout exposition at each other or admire the Kastrian scenery (which Sue hates), even though they should be rushing to save Eldrad’s life. After all, Eldrad must live.

Sue: Stop blathering! Can’t you walk and talk at the same time?

Me: If they did that, they’d run out of set.

Sue: Well, the writers should know better. There are two writers as well. One of them should have spotted it.

She’s not happy with the way Sarah is being written, either.

Sue: She’s screaming a lot this week. That’s not like Sarah Jane at all.

As the Doctor and Sarah make their way through Kastria, we are shown fleeting shots of a mysterious figure shrouded in a pink blanket.

Sue: It sounds like a Dalek. It’s not a Dalek under that quilt, is it? That wouldn’t make any sense, would it?

The Doctor and Sarah are faced with a yawning abyss. We know exactly how it feels.

Sue: Are you sure this isn’t a Terry Nation script? Don’t tell me: this is so bad he had to hide behind two pseudonyms because one wasn’t enough. I’m right, aren’t I?

As Sarah crosses the chasm via a makeshift bridge, she decides to make a right meal of it.

Sue: You could drive a truck over that. This story is going downhill rapidly.

As the Doctor carries Eldrad into the regeneration room, Sue is impressed with Judith Paris’ ability to mimic a plank of wood.

Sue: You have to be really fit to stay as rigid as that. Or you could just watch this episode. It will bore you rigid. It’s a shame because I really enjoyed the first three episodes. It was on for a seven or an eight yesterday.

It seems that the Doctor and Sarah have accidentally flattened Eldrad…

Sue: Is that it? They are just going to shrug their shoulders and leave?

And then the “real” Eldrad turns up.

Sue: I like his purple hat.

Eldrad rants and raves. A lot. Sue sighs. A lot.

Sue: Ok, this is officially rubbish now. It’s heading for a four.

Sarah exclaims that they have been taken for a ride.

Sue: Tell me about it, love!

Eldrad learns that the Kastrian race banks are empty. He has what Sue describes as a “dicky fit”.

Sue: That’s pathetic. He reminds me of you the last time our Internet connection went down.

The Last King of Kastria has left Eldrad a taunting video message. Eldrad is furious.

Sue: Stop talking to it! You are trying to have a conversation with an answering machine, you moron!

Eldrad decides to turn his attention to Earth.

Sue: Eldrad definitely has a chip on his shoulder. Well, he’s got several chips, actually, but you know what I mean.

The Doctor and Sarah make a run for it. Eldrad gives chase but he trips over the Doctor’s scarf and falls into the abyss.

Sue: This is embarrassing. It’s a bloody pantomime.

The Doctor and Sarah return to the TARDIS (Sue is chuffed to bits that the secondary console room is still in use) and the Doctor suggests that Eldrad might not be dead after all.

Sue: So why throw his ****ing ring down after him? And which writer would be stupid enough to bring him back anyway? What a load of rubbish. Worst. Monster. Ever.

But it isn’t over yet…

Sue: Oh, the Doctor’s been called to Gallifree. That’s almost as exciting as being called to Gallifrey.

But then the joking stopped.

Sue: I am genuinely shocked by this. I thought Sarah would be around a lot longer than that.

When Sarah steps onto a suburban street, Sue is delighted.

Sue: Awww, what a gorgeous labrador. She looks like Buffy when she was young. That’s nice.

When the credits have faded to black, and I’m convinced that my voice won’t crack, I ask Sue to sum up.

Sue: It was a brilliant scene but I know she’s coming back, so it’s fine. If I didn’t know she’d get her own series I think I’d be more upset. It’s only upsetting now because Elisabeth Sladen is no longer with us. That scene has different layers of poignancy to it now. Especially for you. But look at Sarah Jane at the end. She’s happy.

Later that night, I decide to quiz Sue on whether she was surprised to see Sarah leave the TARDIS without K9, especially as she’s used to seeing the pair of them together.

Sue: Oh yeah. So how does that happen?

When I point out that the dog references at the end of this story are prophetic, Sue thinks it’s clever foreshadowing. So I put her straight.

Sue: So the dog stuff was just a happy coincidence?

Me: Yes.

Sue: That’s handy.

The Final Score

Sue: This is a very difficult story to mark. It was good, very good, good, shit, really shit, then excellent. I don’t know what to do. Oh sod it, it’s Sarah Jane’s last story. I’ll have to give it:

6/10

The experiment continues…

Addendum

You might like to know that Tom Baker themed mugs are now available in our shop. Grab them before the copyright lawyers step in.

I have also whittled down our badge competition to three finalists. Please vote for your favourite below – you can see a larger version of the image if you click on it. Many thanks to everyone who took part, except Jamie H. Sue was mortified when she saw your entry, sunshine. Anyway, the winner gets a signed copy of The Seeds of Doom. Voting closes this Thursday.

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Hand of Fear [DVD] [1976]

Price: £7.17

Part One

Sue: New font. I don’t like it.

Me: It’s Cantoria Bold.

Sue: It’s Cantoria Boring.

The Doctor and Sarah are exploring the TARDIS, which, as Sue is keen to point out, isn’t something you see every day. They come across a boot cupboard.

Sue: That’s where the Doctor keeps his very own chroma studio. Look at the lovely CSO.

Sue isn’t impressed with the Doctor’s housekeeping, either.

Sue: The Doctor could do with a part-time cleaner. Look at the dust on his round things -

Me: Roundels.

Sue: It looks like he hasn’t been down this corridor with a Henry in centuries.

The Doctor and Sarah stumble into the secondary console room.

Sue adores it. But of course she does. It’s made of WOOD!

Sue: It’s very cosy. I love the stained glass. This suits Tom Baker down to the ground. Does he stay in here from now on? I hope he does.

Sue picks up on the reference to Patrick Troughton when Sarah finds a recorder, and she’s convinced that the dusty, pink shirt once belonged to Jon Pertwee, but before we get can into why we haven’t seen this room before, especially if all the other Doctors have used it, the TARDIS is attacked by an unseen force.

Sue: Nice camera movement. Have the BBC splashed out on a jib?

The TARDIS hurtles down a crystalline tunnel…

Sue: It’s Diamonique Hour on QVC.

Our heroes step into a black void. A ball of red light appears and the Doctor and Sarah hide behind the TARDIS to escape its attention.

Sue: Shut the ****ing door!

The Doctor warns his companion about the dangers of Helix energy.

Sue: Yes, and it just flew straight into your TARDIS. You don’t need to be Benedict Cumberbatch to work that one out.

As the TARDIS leaves the Mandragora Helix behind, demonic laughter rings out.

Sue: Is it the Master?

Meanwhile, in 15th century Italy…

Sue: Oh, I’ll probably like this. Nice location. Period costumes. Real things. I like the historical ones.

As Count Federico enters the town of San Martino on horseback, Sue knows exactly where this story takes place – in Wales.

Sue: Is this Portmerion?

Me: I am seriously impressed.

Sue: You’ve made me watch The Prisoner more times than I care to remember. The building with the green dome is what gives it away. I’m surprised you haven’t dragged me there for a holiday.

Me: I’ll take you as soon as the experiment is over. We can re-enact scenes from this story if you like.

Sue gives me one of her looks.

Sue: Yeah, it could be part of our ongoing counselling, along with you burning your Doctor Who DVDs on a big bonfire. I’m looking forward to it.

Count Federico and the young Prince Giuliano are bickering over the body of a recently deceased Duke. The court astrologer, Hieronymous, insists that their ruler’s death was foretold in the stars.

Sue: Giuliano doesn’t sound like a very British name to me.

Me: Maybe that’s because we’re in Italy.

Sue: Oh, well in that case, why isn’t anyone speaking with an Italian accent? That’s a bit lazy, isn’t it?

Sue is drawn to Giuliano’s best friend, Marco.

Sue: The bloke with the ginger hair doesn’t look very Italian. He looks Scottish. Who cast this?

Federico orders Hieronymous to foretell Giuliano’s imminent death.

Sue: Hieronymous can’t be the Master. The Master wouldn’t be seen dead with a beard like that.

The TARDIS materialises in a nearby wood. It takes thirty seconds for Sarah to be kidnapped by three hooded men.

Sue: That has to be a new record.

The Doctor intervenes but he is knocked unconscious with a blow to the head.

Sue: That was a canny good thump. I wouldn’t be surprised if that gave him brain damage.

With the Doctor out cold, the Helix energy emerges from the TARDIS…

Sue: I knew it! This is what happens when you don’t shut the bloody door. I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often, actually.

The Helix energy wreaks havoc and it doesn’t take long for an innocent bystander to die horribly.

Sue: This is all the Doctor’s fault. What a berk.

The Doctor comes to his senses and he runs into Captain Rossini and his horsemen. They threaten to arrest him so he spooks their horses with a football rattle. The Doctor steals a horse and rides off.

Sue: That isn’t Tom Baker. The wig isn’t right. He looks more like Malcolm McLaren.

Sarah is taken to some catacombs where a cult prepare to sacrifice her to Demnos…

Sue: Hang on, is this a sequel? Isn’t there a Jon Pertwee story called The Demnos? It really is the Master, isn’t it?

The Doctor is captured and Count Federico sentences him to death for spying. The episode concludes with the Doctor’s neck on the chopping block.

Sue: Nice cliffhanger. I liked the way the executioner moved his arm back in time to the theme music. Who directed this one?

The appropriate credit appears.

Sue: Rodney Bennett… The name rings a bell.

Me: Well, aside from directing The Ark in Space and The Sontaran Experiment, he shares his name with a rival school in Grange Hill, but since you never saw that series, you are probably mistaking him for the composer, Richard Rodney Bennett. Either way, this conversation is going nowhere.

Part Two

The Doctor uses his trusty scarf to escape execution.

Sue: That was fun. A bit silly, but fun.

The Doctor flees through a market.

Sue: This looks great but the white cladding on that wall isn’t right for this period. They are trying to hide it behind some material but the wind has blown it away. What a shame.

The Doctor finds himself in some catacombs. He decides to follow a man dressed in a purple cloak and gold mask who strides purposefully through its passageways.

Sue: Could this bloke walk any slower? Has he got sciatica or something?

Sarah is definitely going to be sacrificed. Honest.

Sue: She’s been lying on that table for hours. They’ve been waving a knife above her head for so long now, she just looks bored. She should have been killed ages ago. Why do the bad guys always have to do a little dance first?

The Doctor drags Sarah away from the sacrificial altar.

Sue: Are they trying to lighten the mood with slapstick humour? And are they responding to criticisms of too much violence with comedy parp-parp music?

Me: Comedy parp-parp music? That’s classic Dudley Simpson!

She changes the subject:

Sue: Marco and Giuliano are definitely a couple. The first thing Giuliano should do when he’s in charge is change the same-sex marriage laws.

Back in the catacombs, Sarah’s absence is ignored in favour of a mysterious light that now bathes Hieronymous. A booming voice follows…

Sue: The alien talks as slowly as this bloke walks. They are the perfect couple. Actually, if they did everything at normal speed, this episode would only be ten minutes long.

The disembodied voice warns Hieronymous that he is the only person who can stand where he stands now. The voice repeats this instruction several times.

Sue: So, who’s allowed to stand there again? I’m confused – can you say it one more time, please?

That sarcastic barb aside, Sue is completely wrapped up in The Masque of Mandragora.

Sue: It looks good, the performances are interesting and the plot is reasonably straightforward – although I haven’t got a clue what Helix energy is supposed to be, or what it wants. But that’s OK.

The Doctor races back to the catacombs…

Sue: I keep expecting him to run into Patrick McGoohan coming the other way.

The episode concludes with Sarah back in the clutches of the cult of Demnos.

Sue: I enjoyed that.

Me: You didn’t say much.

Sue: That’s because I’m enjoying it. Sorry.

Part Three

The Doctor is attacked by a strange noise in the catacombs and it’s up to Giuliano to keep four swordsmen at bay.

Sue: Come on! They could take him. Look at him. He looks like he’s never picked up a sword before.

The Doctor arrives to give Giuliano a helping hand.

Sue: Malcolm McLaren is back. This sword fight isn’t very good. Either the stuntmen are rubbish or the guards are rubbish. Their hearts aren’t in it.

Sarah is bound and gagged and taken to Hieronymous’ chambers. The mad astrologer holds a vial under her nose.

Sue: Is he going to waterboard her?

Meanwhile, Count Federico gives Captain Rossini a bollocking for failing to find the Doctor.

Sue: He needs to work on his man management skills. Calling someone a dung head isn’t going to do him any favours in the long run. I bet he stabs him in the back at the end.

Once again, Sue falls under an episode’s spell. She’ll mumble something about how great the sets look if pushed, but it takes something really special to get a reaction out of her. Like Dudley’s obsession with vibraslaps, for instance.

Sue: Are the catacombs invested with rattlesnakes?

Federico tortures Marco, hoping he will give Giuliano up as a follower of Demnos.

Sue: Marco will never lie about Giuliano. He loves him too much. This is quite touching, actually.

After confronting Hieronymous in his chambers, the Doctor is apprehended by Rossini’s men. In the ensuing fracas, the Doctor puts up quite a fight.

Sue: Pertwee would have been proud of that kick to the face.

The Doctor is chained to a wall next to Sarah. He says he knew Sarah was under Hieronymous’ hypnotic control because she asked him how she could understand Italian, when she knows full well that it’s a Time Lord gift he shares with her.

Sue: I thought it was the TARDIS that did that? That’s a bit vague.

The episode concludes with Federico unmasking Hieronymous as a monster with a burning sun for a face.

Sue: Very good.

Me: Really? I’m surprised.

Sue: It’s pure energy. What do you want it to look like? It makes sense and it doesn’t look silly. It’s quite unsettling, actually. I’m enjoying this.

Me: I know. You hardly said a word again.

Sue: It’s good! What more do you want me to say?

Part Four

Nicol is pestering us to watch the latest Game of Thrones.

Me: You’ll have to wait. We have to watch this episode of Doctor Who first.

Sue: You’ll like it, Nicol, it’s a bit like Game of Thrones.

Nicol: Yeah, of course it is.

Me: But with less incest.

Sue: And just as much homoeroticism.

Nicol wants to know why Sarah is auditioning for a role in The Sound of Music. She gets into a long and involved discussion with her mother about Sarah’s dress sense, but it was so tedious, I couldn’t bring myself to note it down.

The odd compliment aside (“Nice tracking shot”), Sue is completely engrossed again. This is rapidly becoming par for the course. Even Nicol fails to chip in, not when the Doctor engages in some hardcore mathematics, or even when the catacombs look a bit Crystal Maze-ish.

Deep within these catacombs, the cult of Demos are consumed by the power of Mandragora.

Sue: It’s much scarier when the villains are real people. I’ll take a mad monk in a mask over a plastic monster any day of the week. It’s much more believable.

In the royal court, a jester entertains a crowd of partygoers. He punctuates every backflip and trick with a cheery “Pop!”

Sue: Pop! Pop! Is this where Community got that idea from? I know Inspector Space Time is supposed to be Doctor Who but I didn’t know they were obsessed with The Masque of Mandragora.

Nicol wants to know if Tim Pigott-Smith is Benedict Cumberbatch’s dad.

Me: No. But his mum will be along in a couple of weeks, so hang on in there.

The Doctor provokes Hieronymous into a confrontation and the astrologer attacks the Time Lord with Helix energy shooting out of his fingers.

Sue: Forget Community – George Lucas must have been a big fan of The Masque of Mandragora as well. This definitely inspired him when he made Return of the Jedi. The villain even wears a mask.

Thankfully, the Doctor has come prepared and he drains Mandragora’s power away.

Back at the Masque, Mandragora’s servants make their move; the room is bathed in a red light and the guests are struck down by energy bolts.

Me: So have the best minds in Italy just been killed? That can’t be good, can it?

It turns out that the Doctor was impersonating Hieronymous the whole time.

Sue: Since when has he been able to do that? Is he an intergalactic Mike Yarwood, now?

Me: You should hear his Davros, it’s hilarious.

The Doctor and Sarah bid farewell to Giuliano. The Doctor leaves with a grin on his face and some salami in his pocket – a reward for saving the world.

Sue: It’s more than he usually gets, I suppose.

The Doctor tells Sarah that the Mandragora Helix will try to take over the Earth again at the end of the twentieth century.

Sue: They’ve set it up nicely for a sequel.

The Final Score

Sue: That was very nearly the second ten out of ten in a row but the ending let it down. The climax was a bit rushed and, well, anticlimactic, but I’m used to that. I can’t fault the rest: great location, sets, costumes, performances, script. And the lighting was the excellent. Yeah, I liked it a lot. It was very accessible, too. If only it had the same pace as The Seeds of Doom…

9/10

The experiment continues…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Masque Of Mandragora [DVD] [1976]

Price: £10.57

Part One

Sue: Robert Banks Stewart. Does he exist? I recognise the name.

Me: Yes, he exists. He wrote Terror of the Zygons.

Sue: I liked Terror of the Zygons.

Me: I know, but you try telling some of our readers that.

Two men are gathering samples from a glacier in Antarctica when one of them proclaims, “This isn’t ice!”

Sue: No, it’s polystyrene, love, but nine out of ten for trying.

Me: You haven’t knocked a mark off already, have you?

Sue: Don’t be silly. If I knocked marks off for stuff like that, some of these stories would be minus five. A bit like this place.

Me: Very funny.

Inside their base, three scientists, Winlett, Moberley and Stevenson, examine the pod they recovered from the permafrost.

Sue: I know this is going to be a good one because the guest actors are all excellent. The one in the middle fancies himself a bit, the one on the left is quite dishy, and the one on the right would be played by Toby Jones if they remade this story today.

“The one on the right would be played by the short Nazi with the glasses from Captain America” is what she really said. She didn’t even remember that Toby has been in Doctor Who before, which, to be frank, is a disgrace.

We cut to the Doctor larking about at the World Ecology Bureau.

Sue: He’s wearing golf shoes with the studs taken out.

Me: Fascinating. I’d never noticed that before. What would I do without you?

And then we meet Harrison Chase…

Sue: Didn’t he work at the Crossroads Motel?

Me: I don’t think so. You probably recognise Tony Beckley from The Italian Job.

Sue: Oh, who did he play?

Me: Camp Freddie.

Sue: You don’t say.

Back in Antarctica, the pod opens and Winlett is infected by one of its tendrils.

Sue: So this is basically The Thing?

Me: Sort of.

Sue: So where’s the dog?

Me: Where’s the what?

Sue: The dog from The Thing?

A helicopter arrives at the base. It isn’t chasing a dog.

Sue: The models are very impressive. They are really pushing the boat out for this one.

Moberley welcomes the Doctor and Sarah. He tells the Doctor they were expecting someone a lot older. The Doctor says he’s 749 years-old.

Sue: This Doctor is always banging on about his age. 749 must be 39 in human years. He is definitely going through a midlife crisis.

As the Doctor enters the base, Sue asks me to pause the DVD.

Sue: Right, so where’s the TARDIS?

Me: He arrived in a helicopter.

Sue: Why?

Me: Er…

Sue: His TARDIS doesn’t work, does it? That’s it, isn’t it? It still doesn’t work.

I ignore her. She sighs.

Inside the base, you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.

Sue: Nice, dramatic close-ups. I’m liking this a lot.

Me: And?

Sue: Is it Douglas?

Me: That’s my girl.

Sue: I don’t care if this is six parts, now.

And then, a few seconds later…

Sue: So this can’t be Dudley.

Me: Well done. You really do deserve some sort of badge for that.

If anyone wants to design a badge for Sue, that would be great. And if you design a really good one, I’ll send you a copy of this story on DVD, signed by the wife. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m quite partial to this story and I accidentally bought two copies when it was released. Closing date: a week today. Post your designs to our Facebook page if you fancy it.

The Doctor leaves the base to investigate the area where the pod was found. He quickly discovers another one.

Sue: He should put some gloves on. He’ll catch his death out there.

Me: The Doctor doesn’t feel the cold.

Sue: Since when?

Me: Look at him!

Sue: I suppose the Doctor would have looked a right dick in a puffer jacket. Besides, Elisabeth Sladen is doing enough “cold acting” for everyone.

Back at the base, Winlett’s infection is getting worse…

Sue: Is he turning into a tree?

Me: Don’t be silly.

The Doctor’s diagnosis doesn’t sound good. Winlett is turning into a savage, meat-eating plant called a Krynoid.

Sue: Tom is on fire this week. I love it when he’s angry. I didn’t like it when Pertwee was in a mood but this Doctor snaps because the world is about to end, not because someone has eaten all the sandwiches.

Chase’s men, Scorby and Keeler, arrive at the base pretending to be lost.

Sue: It’s Boycie!

Me: Lovely jubbly.

And then – nothing. Sue doesn’t say a word. She’s far too busy biting her nails.

Me: Nothing to say?

Sue: Shut up.

The episode concludes with the Krynoid attacking Moberley.

Sue: Is that it? Bloody hell, that flew by. Hurry up and stick the next one on.

Part Two

Me: Just checking – are we still on for a ten?

Sue: It hasn’t lost any marks yet. Why?

Me: No reason.

I press Play.

Harrison Chase pays Dunbar for his tip-off about the pod.

Sue: Has he got green fingers under his black gloves? Is that the big twist?

Meanwhile, in Antarctica, the Doctor and Stevenson are hunting for the Krynoid…

Sue: When you consider that this was filmed in a television studio, it looks amazing.

Me: We’re outdoors.

Sue: Take my mistake a compliment.

Left alone in the base, Keeler and Scorby find the pod that infected Winlett.

Sue: It looks like a giant avocado. But I wouldn’t want to eat the guacamole.

They are interrupted by a radio transmission from a nearby base. Scorby tries to bluff it out.

Me: Derek’s fishing. He’s just caught a couple of stripers. We’ll bring `em home for dinner, we won’t be long.

Sue: What?

Me: Nothing.

With tension in the base mounting, the Doctor suddenly snaps at Sarah.

Sue: I’ll let him get away with that because the stakes are so high. He looks really worried.

But when the Doctor confronts Scorby, his demeanour is entirely different.

Sue: I like the way Tom can be deadly serious one minute and completely flippant the next. That’s his Doctor in a nutshell, I think. It’s a great performance.

She is also drawn to the actor who plays Stevenson (Hubert Rees).

Sue: I’m sure I’ve seen him somewhere else before. Wasn’t he a pianist?

Me: It’s not Richard Stilgoe!

Scorby escorts Sarah away to be shot and the Doctor erupts with anger.

Sue: Bloody hell! I’ve never seen the Doctor like that before. Boycie has sent him over the edge. Even the Daleks don’t get yelled at like that.

A Krynoid is prowling the Antarctic wastes…

Sue: You know, I’m sure I’ve seen this before.

Me: Well, there are four possibilities. Either you saw this when it originally went out -

Sue: Unlikely.

Me: I made you watch it during our honeymoon period twenty years ago -

Sue: Possibly.

Me: You are confusing this with The Claws of Axos -

Sue: I can’t remember anything about The Claws of Axos.

Me: Or you’re thinking of the time John Williams came over to watch it and we made you leave the room.

Sue: That’s probably it.

The episode concludes with Scorby and Keeler making off with the pod just as the base is engulfed by a massive fireball.

Sue: Well, the Doctor and Sarah are completely ****ed now.

Part Three

Sue: This story is way ahead of its time.

Me: In what way?

Sue: The ice caps are melting.

She’s having a sly dig at the sandpit that’s doubling for Antarctica (“They’ve definitely missed a bit”), but she also admits that the production team are trying very hard.

Sue: I bet the designer had a stroke when he read the script.

The Doctor and Sarah return to the World Ecology Bureau, where they convince the authorities of the danger posed by the pod. Once again, Sue is spellbound by Tom’s performance. Lis isn’t bad, either.

The Doctor and Sarah are taken by car to the Botanical Institute. But their chauffeur has other ideas. He takes them to a deserted sandpit and he pulls out a gun. The Doctor reacts by ramming the would-be assassin’s head into the car’s door.

Sue: What a cack-handed killer. And why didn’t the Doctor just scoop up his gun and finish it there and then? Why all the running around? Ooh! The Doctor just punched him in the face. And he enjoyed it, too. You don’t see that very often. Pertwee would be appalled. Not even a “Hai!”

The Doctor and Sarah discover a painting in the boot of the would-be assassin’s car and they trace it back to the eccentric Amelia Ducat.

Sue: She’s wonderful. I could watch her all day.

When the Doctor informs Amelia that he found her painting in the boot of a Daimler, I can’t help myself:

Me: The car is immaterial!

Sue: Stop that.

Me: Sorry.

The Doctor disguises himself as a chauffeur and he drives to Chase’s mansion. The guard gives the Doctor a cursory glance before letting him in.

Sue: I don’t think much of their security. Nice guard-house though.

The Doctor and Sarah are captured by Scorby and Chase decides to execute them. But first, some music.

Sue: He’s a megalomaniacal Jean Michel Jarre.

Me: Is there any other kind?

The Doctor hates the music, too.

Me: It sounds like one of Tangerine Dream’s atonal phases.

Sue: Is there any other kind?

The Doctor and Sarah make a run for it. Scorby gives chase, so the Doctor breaks his neck and kills him.

Sue: No!

It’s OK, Scorby’s fine. In fact, he’s never felt better.

Me: It was a chiropractor move, not a death move. It probably cleared up some sciatica that was nagging him.

Sue: I think I preferred it when the Doctor just used his finger.

Back at the mansion, Keeler is examining the pod. He isn’t very happy.

Sue: Keeler looks like Robson Green. He’s a great actor.

Me: Robson Green?

Sue: No, this bloke.

Me: Thank **** for that.

The Doctor and Sarah are separated and Sarah is captured by Scorby (he’s really earning his money today). The Doctor heads for higher ground.

Sue: Chase could do with a new roof. It’s a mess. And if his roof fell in, it would **** his plants right up.

Chase decides to use Sarah as a guinea pig in a horrific experiment. The pod begins to open and Sarah’s arm is pinned to the table by the mad millionaire.

Sue: That was a great cliffhanger. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Part Four

The Doctor jumps through the conservatory’s skylight and saves the day.

Sue: Nice stunt double.

Me: That’s Tom!

Sue: Is it really? In that case, they should have filmed it from the front. It looked as if they were trying to hide his face. Oh well.

Me: But you wouldn’t knock any -

Sue: Shut it.

The Doctor grabs Scorby’s gun. Chase wants to know what the Doctor does for an encore.

Me: I win!

Sue: Neil!

Me: Sorry. I can’t help it.

The Doctor and Sarah decide to leg it.

Sue: Shoot the pod! Shoot the pod!

But the opportunity is missed and poor old Keeler is infected as a result.

The Doctor and Sarah make their escape through the grounds.

Sue: Nice topiary. Very formal.

Keeler turns bright green.

Sue: We have a Hulk. He’s a very skinny Hulk, but we have a Hulk.

Scorby apprehends the Doctor, and then he roughs him up a bit.

Sue: He’s a bit handy.

Me: Scorby is a wonderful character. And, just like Condo, he also appears in his very own audio spin-off. We should definitely check it out.

Scorby introduces the Doctor to Chase’s favourite recycling machine – the one with the large toothed crusher.

Sue: I think I can see where this is going…

But Chase’s murderous machinations are interrupted by Amelia Ducat.

Sue: Excellent. I’m glad she came back. Is she a new companion? Please tell me she’s the new companion.

Me: I’ve never seen any ash trays in the TARDIS so don’t hold your breath.

Amelia tells Chase that he owes her a thousand guineas – a significant increase on the 750 guineas it would have cost him when he originally bought it.

Me: Inflation was rampant in the mid-70s. That was a nice joke for all the depressed adults in the audience.

On her way out, Amelia bumps into Sarah. It turns out that Amelia arrived with Dunbar and Sir Colin Thackeray in tow, and Sarah’s report forces Dunbar to do the right and honourable thing for a change.

Sue: That’s nice. He’s going to turn over a new leaf.

I glower at her.

Sue: Sorry.

Meanwhile, Sarah rescues the Doctor from Chase’s crusher just in the nick of time.

Sue: I’m surprised that wasn’t the cliffhanger. That would have been a great cliffhanger.

Dunbar confronts Chase, insisting that their deal is now off. Dunbar storms out, gun in hand.

Me: Scorby! Get Dunbar! (pause) Sorry, that’s the last one. I promise.

Dunbar is killed by the Krynoid and the episode concludes with the rampaging monster making a bee-line for the Doctor and Sarah.

Sue: That wasn’t the best cliffhanger in the world. It was a bit wibbly-wobbly. Like a fat Triffid. They should have gone with the crusher instead.

Part Five

For the first time since An Unearthly Child, Sue watched an episode in complete silence, although Nicol did walk in halfway through to yell “Feed me, Seymour!”.

Sue: That was excellent. What do you want me to say?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we won’t be covering the David Tennant and Matt Smith eras on this blog, as every single update would end up like that.

In order to fill out some space, I drop this little tidbit over the end credits:

Me: I have very a very vivid memory of that cliffhanger, thanks to a cow.

Sue: Okay…

Me: I didn’t see this story when it was originally broadcast in 1976. I think my bed-wetting had something to do with that. Anyway, it wasn’t until the late seventies, when I lived in New Zealand for a while, that I finally saw it. In fact, thanks to the New Zealand Fan Club Webpage, I saw this episode on the 7th July, 1979 on channel SPTV at 4:05pm. I’m pretty sure it was in black and white.

Sue: Where does the cow come into it?

Me: Well, we were living with my aunt and uncle in the rural South Island, somewhere between Queenstown and Arrowtown (where I went to school for a while), and it was getting dark outside. And then, just as the plants started to go mad, I noticed a big scary face at the window. Turns out it was a cow from a nearby farm. I screamed the place down.

Sue: Thanks for that.

Me: Do you want to say anything about this episode?

Sue: I’m not happy about the Brigadier being stuck in Geneva again. Are aliens attacking Switzerland? If not, where the hell is he? And Benton should have been there at the end with the weed killer. But apart from that, it was great. It’s a proper drama. There aren’t many characters in this, but the ones we do have are all brilliant. We get to spend lots of time with them and the actors are playing it totally straight. I love their little back-stories and quirky mannerisms; I really care about them, even the Butler was great. It reminds me of a Hammer Horror film with loads of really good character actors in it. I can’t really fault it – the direction, the music, the lighting, the performances. Yeah, you could repeat this on BBC1 tomorrow and people would still enjoy it.

Me: You aren’t put off by the Krynoid, then?

Sue: It isn’t bad at all. I love the soundscape.

Part Six

Sue: I didn’t mention this yesterday, but why are they stacking the pot plants outside in a nice, neat row? Why don’t they just chuck ‘em through the doorway?

Me: The BBC must have hired them in and they didn’t want to lose their deposit.

With the Krynoid bearing down on the house, UNIT unleash their new-fangled laser gun.

It’s completely useless.

Sue: They’d be better off with one of Benton’s rocket launchers. Or maybe some concentrated Roundup.

The tension is almost unbearable as the Doctor and Sarah search the house for Chase. Or is it?

Sue: That’s a very nice cabinet. It’s elm, I think.

But she isn’t admiring the furniture when Scorby freaks out.

Sue: It’s a really subtle performance. I almost feel sorry for him.

When Scorby is drowned by the Krynoid, she’s both impressed and depressed.

Sue: Maybe he swam away? He could come back again one day.

The Krynoid almost brings the house down…

Sue: They are just about getting away with that special effect. And anything’s better than CSO.

The Doctor and Sarah are trapped.

Sue: I can feel the desperation in this one. Oh look – nice drawers. Pitch pine.

Chase corners Sarah in the recycling room. He gloats for a bit and then he punches her in the face.

Sue lets out a mortified gasp.

The Doctor calls on UNIT for help and they both agree to call in an airstrike.

Sue: The Brig would have loved this. What a shame.

Chase ties Sarah up before feeding her to his recycling machine.

Sue: At least he’s hanging around to watch. You have to give him some credit for that.

The Doctor intervenes with seconds left to spare. He gets into a fight with Chase inside the hopper.

Sue: If he gets his scarf caught in that, it’s all over.

The Doctor gets the upper hand and Chase is pumped into the garden.

Sue: That’s the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen in Doctor Who.

The Doctor and Sarah make a run for it but their escape is impeded by pernicious foliage.

Sue: It’s The Evil Dead, now.

Me: Don’t worry, they don’t go that far.

The airforce arrive and they bomb the Krynoid into next week. Sue nods appreciatively.

Sue: I can’t complain about that at all. Well done.

After a little light relief back at the World Ecology Bureau, the Doctor and Sarah decide to take a short holiday on Cassiopea. Unfortunately, the TARDIS takes them to Antarctica instead; this is especially unfortunate for Sarah as this detour must have resulted in third-degree frostbite. The Doctor says he probably forgot to cancel the co-ordinate programme.

Sue: Hang on a minute… so he was going to use the TARDIS to get to Antarctica! He must have bottled it at the last-minute.

The Final Score

Sue: Finally. A story that didn’t fall apart at the end. I know the suspense is killing you, so:

10/10

Me: You’re not giving it a 10 just to keep me happy, are you?

Sue: Trust me, I’d love to give it a nine, just to piss you off, but I can’t. It can’t get any better than that, surely?

The experiment continues…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Seeds of Doom [DVD] [1976]

Price: £6.39

Part One

Sue: Who’s Robin Bland, then?

Me: Robin Bland doesn’t exist.

Sue: Not again. So what happened this time?

Me: Robert Holmes rewrote a Terrance Dicks script and Terry told him to take his name off. He told him to replace his credit with “a bland pseudonym” instead.

Sue: So it’s a bad one, then? Was Terry ashamed of it? Is it really bland?

Me: Don’t worry, this is anything but bland…

On the planet Karn, an alien creature crawls through the wreckage of a spacecraft.

Me: Do you recognise that?

Sue: Yes, but don’t ask me what it’s called.

Me: It’s a mutant from The Mutants.

Sue: Is this a sequel? I liked The Mutants.

The poor mutt is intercepted by a man with a hook for a hand. He decapitates the creature and he takes its head to his master, Solon.

Sue: So, cannibals, decapitations and mad scientists, eh? It’s not for kids, is it? It sounds like the synopsis for a video nasty.

Me: Do you recognise the mad scientist?

Sue: His voice is familiar. Was he in The Mutants?

Me: No, it’s Philip Madoc.

Sue: Is he related to Ruth Madoc from Hi-De-Hi?

Me: Ex-wife. Now can we please get back to The Brain of Morbius? Or should I switch the DVD’s production subtitles on for you? I’m sure they must cover it. They’ll probably include details of the divorce settlement in Part Four.

Sue: No, you’re alright. I’ll live.

The TARDIS arrives on Karn; the Doctor is furious with the Time Lords for dragging him there.

Sue: He’s a very arsey James Bond. He can be very petulant when he wants to be. I really like the set, though. You can tell it’s a set but it’s been lit well and it’s very atmospheric. I like the lightning effects. And it means we won’t be skipping between video and film all the time. I actually prefer it when they do it like this.

It starts to rain and the Doctor and Sarah decide to investigate a nearby castle.

Sue: Have they turned on the studio’s sprinkler system?

Me: No, the rain has been superimposed over the image.

Sue: I knew that.

Elsewhere on Karn, a Sisterhood is worshipping a sacred flame (sacred fire).

Sue: I like their costumes. This looks like a believable culture for a change. Like Peru crossed with Bulgaria.

When their leader, Maren, starts talking about silent gas dirigibles, Sue is shocked.

Sue: Oh, I thought it was a man. So is this a lesbian sect?

Meanwhile, Solon is giving Condo a hard time. It turns out that Solon cut off Condo’s arm, and he won’t sew it back on again until their work is finished.

Sue: Condo would work a lot better if he had two arms. Solon didn’t think it through. He should have cut something else off instead.

The Doctor and Sarah arrive at the castle and Solon is very pleased to see them.

Sue: What a magnificent head! That’s brilliant. How did he manage to say that line with a straight face? I bet that took a few takes.

Condo serves up some refreshments.

Sue: It’s Mrs Overall from Acorn Antiques.

The Doctor recognises Solon as a famous surgeon who left Earth under a cloud. Solon claims that his colleagues were jealous of him and they drove him away.

Sue: Bloody academics.

The Doctor quaffs his drink, but it has been poisoned and he falls unconscious. Thankfully, Sarah didn’t drink a drop and she only pretends to be drugged.

Sue: Sarah Jane is great. She’s the perfect companion. She’s always rescuing the Doctor. Always. This is why the Doctor doesn’t travel alone – he’d run out of regenerations within a week if he did.

Solon inspects the Doctor’s magnificent head.

Sue: Is he going to cut it off with a plastic knife? He’ll be there all day.

The Doctor is spirited away by the Sisterhood and the episode concludes with Sarah encountering a horrific creature that doesn’t have a head.

Sue frowns.

Me: Didn’t that do anything for you?

Sue: Not really. It was all a bit -

Sue does a passable impression of a headless monster with its arms flailing around like an idiot.

Sue: Do you know what I mean?

Me: Not really, no.

Sue: I liked the episode, though. It’s a good start. Frankenstein in Space. It’s fine.

Part Two

Sue: Why does Sarah casually stroll away when she’s confronted by a headless monster? Shouldn’t she be half a mile away by now?

Condo tells Solon that the Doctor has disappeared.

Sue: Condo looks like the lead singer of Showaddywaddy. If there’d been a zombie apocalypse, I mean.

Me: You always think the bad guy looks like the leader singer of Showaddywaddy. What has Dave Bartram ever done to you?

Solon describes Condo as a “chicken-brained biological disaster”.

Sue: Never get into a slanging match with Robert Holmes. He’ll wipe the floor with you. Where does he get this stuff?

She’s practically rolling in the aisles when Solon calls Maren a “palsied harridan” and in the next scene, the Doctor finds himself surrounded by her “squalid brood of harpies”.

Sue: The Doctor thinks he’s woken up in a brothel. No wonder he’s got a smile on his face.

The Sisterhood are convinced that the Doctor has been sent by the Time Lords to steal their elixir of life. The Doctor protests his innocence but Maren sentences him to death.

Sue: “You are the weakest link, goodbye”.

They tie the Doctor to stake and they build a pyre around him.

Sue: He’s going to be Joan of Arc in Space.

Me: Very funny.

Sue: Come on! I’d never have made a joke like that a few months ago. You should be happy.

The Sisterhood dance around the Doctor with burning torches.

Sue: It’s The Wicker Man, now. (pause) You know, I bet Kate Bush loved this episode. I can imagine Kate Bush wearing one of the Sisterhoods’ costumes.

The dance goes on.

Sue: Did they offer the Doctor some sleeping powder earlier so he could skip all the boring dancing? He could have jumped straight to his fiery death.

Solon arrives to interrupt the ceremony.

Sue: He wants to borrow a cup of sugar.

Solon lets it slip that he wants the Doctor’s head.

Sue: Don’t burn the head! Ha! Oh, it looks like the Sisterhood know about Solon’s head fetish. They just shrug it off. How bizarre.

Solon leaves empty-handed and the Sisterhood set fire to the Doctor. Sue is impressed with the effect (which almost killed Tom Baker if you believe Cynthia Grenville).

Sue: Sometimes lax Health and Safety regulations can work in your favour.

Thankfully, Sarah disguises herself as one of the Sisterhood, and she rescues the Doctor from the sacred flame (sacred fire).

Sue: How many times does the Doctor owe her his life, now?

But as they make their escape, the light from Maren’s ring blinds Sarah. Sue starts to sing Manfred Mann’s Earth Band’s ‘Blinded by the Light’ (which was a hit record in 1976, pop-pickers).

Back at the castle, Condo isn’t very happy about Solon offering him up to the Sisterhood as a replacement sacrifice.

Sue: I feel a bit sorry for Condo, even if he is a cannibal who cuts the heads of plane crash survivors. But I do have a bit of a problem with this. It’s not a good message to send to children that people with learning difficulties or missing limbs are going to be a weird serial killing cannibals. It’s not a good message.

Solon is surprised to find the Doctor and Sarah seated in his living room.

Sue: Awkward.

Solon tricks the Doctor into believing that Sarah can only regain her sight if he returns to the Sisterhood to retrieve some elixir of life.

The episode concludes with Sarah blindly walking in on Morbius, who, it turns out, is an excitable brain in a jar.

Sue: Great cliffhanger. That was fun.

Part Three

Sue: I like the way Morbius does a little brain fart when he finishes talking.

Morbius makes it abundantly clear that he is an enemy of the Time Lords.

Sue: Why do all the bad Time Lords have names that start with the letter M? Is that significant?

Me: What?

Sue: You know, Master, Monk, Morbius. I am naturally suspicious of people whose names begin with the letter M, now. Thanks for that.

And then Sue stumbles into a rather large plot hole…

Sue: Why doesn’t Solon just stick the brain in Condo’s head? Why would you want to walk around looking like a dog’s dinner when you could be a hunchbacked version of the lead singer from Showaddywaddy? I know it’s not ideal, but you take what you can get.

Me: You are missing an even more obvious flaw: why is Morbius obsessed with sticking the Doctor’s head on that mess of a body when he could use the Doctor’s body as well? Eh?

Sue: Oh yeah, that is a bit silly. Is this the reason Terry took his name off?

Sarah escapes from the lab and she manages to lock a very complicated door behind her.

Sue: Even blind, Sarah Jane is better than Dodo.

Sadly, Sarah is intercepted by Condo.

Sue: I don’t like the rapist subtext, here. We haven’t had that since the sixties.

When Morbius discovers that the Doctor is a Time Lord, he panics. He suggests that he make do with a plastic helmet, that will give him terrible headaches, so he can leg it. Solon agrees. If the Time Lords turn up, all those years of isolation will be for nothing.

Sue: Yeah, all those years of isolation on a planet populated by hot women. It must have been awful for you.

Solon drains the liquid from Morbius’ tank.

Sue: He could have put it over a sink first!

Solon and Condo carry the brain to the lab. Solon yells at Condo to be more careful.

Sue: If you put his bloody arm back on, you wouldn’t have this problem.

Condo discovers that the arm on the Morbius creature is actually his. He doesn’t take the news well and Solon has to shoot him in the stomach. Blood and guts fly everywhere. Morbius’ brain falls onto the floor with a sickening squelch.

Sue: Bloody hell. There was no need for that.

I pause the DVD.

Sue: I can’t believe they got away with that.

Me: There were complaints.

Sue: I’m not surprised.

Me: So, did Mary Whitehouse have a point?

Sue: Don’t put words into my mouth.

Me: Would you let a six year-old child watch that at 6pm?

Sue: Probably not.

And this is coming from a woman who let Nicol watch John Hughes films from the age of six.

Sue: But you can’t win, can you? If you don’t make it realistic, people will criticise it, and if you make it too realistic people will complain. They probably went a little too far there, though.

When Sue gets a good look at the Morbius’ new body, she tries to identify its body parts…

Sue: I see that Chewbacca must have swung through here once. And he has a hand of Manos.

Me: What?

Sue: You know, the hand of Manos.

Me: I think you mean the claw of a Macra.

Sue: Yes, that’s it. It’s a complete mess.

The episode concludes with Sarah staggering around blindly as Morbius creeps up behind her.

Sue: Nice cliffhanger. Scary.

As the credits roll, Sue notices something important.

Sue: There are a lot of Barry’s in Doctor Who, aren’t there? Barry Letts, Christopher Barry, Barry Newbery (very nice design by the way, Barry). Why so many Barrys?

Part Four

Sue: It’s an unforgettable monster. The design is, er, unique.

She doesn’t notice the zipper. Phew.

Me: Morbius gave me nightmares.

Sue: I bet.

Me: No, this really gave me nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming my head off. My mum threatened to ban Doctor Who completely if I didn’t pull myself together. In fact, I wasn’t allowed to see the next story, which traumatised me even more; I had to move to New Zealand in 1979 to see it (but I’m getting ahead of myself).

Morbius goes apeshit. Condo arrives to save the day.

Sue: How long does it take for this guy to die? He’s already been shot in the stomach four times.

Condo and Morbius wrestle to the death.

Sue: He’s still going!

Condo eventually dies.

Me: Poor Condo.

Sue: Yeah, he was quite nice, for a dim-witted, decapitating cannibal.

Me: I love Condo.

Sue: Steady on.

Me: There’s a great audio spin-off that features him. We should listen to it one day.

The Doctor and Solon hunt for Morbius with a tranquilliser gun. Morbius almost rips the Doctor’s head off when Solon shoots him -

Sue: Right in the arse!

The Doctor carries the unconscious Morbius back to the castle.

Sue: I bet they did that scene in one take. Morbius must weigh a ton.

The Doctor leaves Solon alone to dismantle his creation.

Sue: What is he doing? You can’t leave him! The Doctor has just done to Solon what the baddies always do to him. He should know better.

Sue’s right of course; Solon locks Sarah and the Doctor in the basement. Worse than that, the Doctor is without his trusty sonic screwdriver.

Sue: Since when does the Doctor leave the TARDIS without the sonic? It’s all gone a bit ridiculous now.

Me: You can hear the gears crunching a bit, but stick with it.

Meanwhile, Ohica suggests to Maren that they help the Doctor.

Sue: Is that Josie Lawrence from EastEnders?

Me: No.

Sue: Her performance is a bit strange. It’s her eyes, I think. Every time she widens them, she looks like she’s being sarcastic.

The Doctor rustles up some cyanide gas which knocks Solon out cold. In fact, given this is the last we ever see of Solon, the Doctor probably killed him.

Sue: Hang on a minute – how is this supposed to get them out of there? He’s just killed his only means of escape.

Ohica leads her Sisterhood to the castle.

Sue: It’s a tribal council on Survivor. They should vote Josie Lawrence off the planet.

Morbius is unaffected by the cyanide (he has the lungs of a Birastrop, you see) and he lumbers downstairs to face the Doctor. Our hero challenges the evil Time Lord to a mind-bending contest…

Sue: Oh look, they have a mind-bending machine just sitting there as well. That’s handy.

The contest begins.

Sue: Oh look, ex-Doctors. I like it when you see the ex-Doctors.

Then…

Sue: Who the hell is that?

And then…

Sue: Is it Kenneth Branagh?

Morbius wins the contest and the Doctor collapses to the floor.

I pause the DVD.

Me: Right, so what just happened?

Sue: Well, if Morbius won the contest they have to be the Doctor’s faces. So does that mean William Hartnell wasn’t the first Doctor?

Me: That was the original intention, I believe. But it contradicts everything that comes later.

Sue: Yeah, but that hasn’t happened yet, so this is correct right now, which means Matt Smith is the 17th Doctor, or something. That’s interesting.

Me: Only if you are completely insane.

Sue: Of course, they could be Morbius’ faces…

Me: Yes, let’s go with that theory instead.

Sue: I’m not really bothered either way. But someone should probably get Kenneth Branagh on the phone to discuss a prequel film with him.

The Sisterhood battle Morbius on the rocks and they push him off a cliff. He falls straight into the camera but Sue choses to ignore this.

Sue: The Doctor didn’t save the day in this one. In fact, he made a right pig’s ear of it. He did persuade an old woman to die, though, so it wasn’t a completely wasted journey. But it definitely wasn’t his finest hour and I’d be very surprised if the Time Lords sent him on another mission. Or maybe that was the Doctor’s plan all along?

The Final Score

Sue: I liked that. Some of the dialogue was priceless. The performances were really strong and I loved the sets, too. The plot is a bit mad in places, and the direction could have been better, but it didn’t outstay its welcome and I enjoyed the atmosphere a lot.

8/10

Me: Go on, give it a nine.

Sue: No.

Me: Please? It’s The Brain of Morbius.

Sue: It isn’t worth a nine. I’m sorry. The plot lets it down. Maybe Terry was right to take his name off it. Now shut up before I change my mind and give it a seven.

The experiment continues…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Brain of Morbius [DVD]

Price: £7.17

Part One

Sue: Oh no.

Me: Go on, then. Say your catchphrase.

Sue: No. I’ve decided to say “Terry ****ing Nation” from now on instead.

Trust me, it’s completely different.

A soldier is walking through a wood. His right arm is twitching erratically.

Sue: Either he’s late for breakdancing practice or he’s an android.

Me: I think the clue is probably in the title.

The TARDIS arrives in the same wood.

Sue: I like the Doctor’s new coat.

Me: Oatmeal.

Sue: He’s drinking oatmeal?

Me: No, that’s the colour of his coat. Jesus.

Sue: Why is the Doctor dressed for the middle of winter when Sarah is dressed for a summer picnic?

Me: Everybody says that about this story. Try to be more original, love.

Sue: I don’t know why you just don’t turn off the comments, Neil. They are obviously getting to you.

Me: But if I did that, I’d be accused of not taking criticism well.

Sue: But you can’t take criticism. You’re ****ing terrible.

Me: (meekly) Refunds are available.

Sue: Oh, grow some balls, why don’t you?

Me: Charming.

Sue: It’s not as if we are holding a gun to their heads. Although that would be interesting…

The Doctor and Sarah encounter four figures in white protective suits and helmets. They open fire on our heroes with their fingers.

Sue: So it’s the Autons again. Why didn’t they just call it The Auton Invasion? Hang on… Autons aren’t androids. What is Terry playing at?

In her haste to get away, Sarah almost falls over a cliff. Sue isn’t impressed with the direction of this scene to say the least. In fact, she makes me rewind the DVD so she can examine its awfulness in more detail.

Sue: That made Sarah Jane look stupid. Who directed this rubbish?

Me: Barry Letts.

Sue: Bwarry? (sic) He just can’t leave it alone, can he?

The twitching soldier throws himself off the same cliff.

Sue: I’m surprised that we don’t see his brains splattered all over the rocks.

Me: He’s an android, remember?

Sue: Yeah, but I’m not supposed to know that yet, am I? (pause) Do Autons even have brains?

The soldier is a UNIT corporal – but what’s really strange is that his wallet only contains freshly minted coins with the same date stamped on them.

Me: If only they told us what the bloody date was. It’s so frustrating…

The Doctor and Sarah explore a deserted village.

Sue: The location is very nice and it’s a lovely, sunny day. It’s quiet, too. I could live there quite happily. What are the house prices like? I can imagine a big gang of Doctor Who fans retiring there someday. Actually, I’ve suddenly changed my mind.

She notices that Tom Baker isn’t feeling very well…

Sue: That’s a nasty sore throat he has this week. It was probably all that screaming he did last week.

The Doctor and Sarah find a deserted pub. In the till, all the coins have been newly minted with the same date as well.

Sue: So what’s the date, then? Is it 1980 or is it 1975?

We never find out.

Sue: It’s beginning to annoy me now, and I don’t even care.

Sarah suggests that the village may have been evacuated thanks to a radiation leak and they will end up looking like “a couple of ‘nanas”.

Sue: I haven’t heard that expression in years. I’m going to start using it again.

The silence is broken when a van carrying a number of villagers arrives. The Doctor and Sarah hide as the villagers file into the pub. They take their places and remain as still as statues. And then, just before they move again -

Sue: Did I just hear the floor manager whispering in the background? I hope it wasn’t Rosie.

The Doctor leaves Sarah to keep her eye on things, but when she tries to make small talk with the barman, she is given a very frosty reception.

Sue: They should have called this pub The Stepford Arms. The pub in An American Werewolf was friendlier than this.

Sarah returns to the TARDIS to wait for the Doctor. She places her key in the TARDIS lock and she leaves it there when she’s distracted by a coffin-shaped object lying nearby.

Sue: The Doctor should put her on probation for leaving the TARDIS key in the lock like that.

The TARDIS dematerialises without her.

Sue: See!

Sarah investigates the strange capsule, and even though I can’t mention it to Sue right now, I am completely transfixed by the damaged spare tyre that the Kraals have decided to replicate for that extra touch of verisimilitude. Talk about attention to detail.

The “coffin” opens and a hand grabs at Sarah’s leg.

Sue: That’s creepy. That would have scared me as a kid.

Me: I didn’t see this episode on its first transmission. I had to go to a friend’s sixth birthday party instead. I can’t even remember his name now, but it might have been Paul. I remember playing pass the parcel when it was on and feeling bloody miserable because I knew I was missing it. Missing a Part One was almost as bad as missing a Part Four back in the days before VHS and Betamax.

Sue: Yes, but did you win pass the parcel?

The Doctor arrives at the local Space Defence Station (every village should have one) but it is completely deserted. In a corridor, he finds an office belonging to Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart.

Sue: Excellent! I’ve really missed the Brig.

The Doctor is interrupted by an astronaut named Guy Crayford (Sue recognises Milton John’s face and voice but his name means nothing to her).

Sue: The direction in this story isn’t great but the plot isn’t that bad. I’m definitely intrigued and I want to find out what happens next.

The Doctor makes a run for it and some UNIT soldiers give chase.

Sue: Are you sure this lot are really UNIT?

They shoot at the Doctor and miss.

Sue: Yep, they are definitely UNIT.

The Doctor is captured and taken to a cell and the episode concludes with a poo-coloured face spying on him from behind a wall.

Sue: It’s the Sontarans!

Part Two

Sue: So the Sontarans and the Autons have teamed up? How exciting.

I don’t have the heart to tell her yet.

Sue: So why are the Sontarans dressed in glam rock platform boots and Pearly King jackets? If they hope to blend in with the 1970s -

Me: Or eighties.

Sue: – they then aren’t going about it the right way.

The Doctor and Sarah run into a very familiar face…

Sue: Benton! Oh, how I’ve missed you, Benton. Oh, but maybe it isn’t Benton. He could be an android Auton. Is this Westworld but with UNIT soldiers instead of cowboys? Is it an alien theme park or something?

Even Harry Sullivan turns up.

Sue: Nice. So where’s the Brigadier?

The Doctor and Sarah escape into the woods but Sarah stumbles, injuring her ankle.

Sue: If I were Sarah Jane, I’d wear hiking boots every time I left the TARDIS, even if I was wearing a ball gown. She knows she’s going to end up running around – she always ends up running around – so she should come prepared. And Tom sounds dreadful. I’m beginning to worry about him.

Pursued by UNIT troops, the Doctor decides to hide in a pond.

Sue: Tom is not a happy chappy. It’s written all over his face. Either he’s scared of the water or he’s in a really bad mood – it’s difficult to tell.

Me: I think this is what made him ill.

Sue: Health and Safety at the BBC left a lot to be desired in the 1970s. Poor Tom.

Sarah is captured and taken to an alien laboratory where she is tied to a table. She tries to reason with Harry who is clearly not himself.

Sue: She probably thinks Harry’s been hypnotised. That’s what usually happens, isn’t it? At least Terry is trying to do something a bit different.

Sarah looks up and she sees the distorted face of a Kraal named Styggron.

Sue: That isn’t a Sontaran. What the hell is it? It’s horrible.

Meanwhile, back at the pub, the Doctor is ordering a pint of ginger beer. What he gets sends Sue into a tizzy…

Sue: That isn’t a pint! No wonder the place is empty. The Doctor should report him to Trading Standards.

The Doctor examines the pub’s fixtures and fittings.

Sue: Did he just say “dartsboard”? It’s dartboard, you idiot.

Me: Well, you should know – you’re the expert.

Don’t forget to join our Facebook page if you haven’t seen Sue’s appearance on a 1989 edition of Bullseye yet.

Sue: Oh yeah, that reminds me -

Innnnnnnn one’s face! A cushion!

Now that she can see the Kraals in all their glory, Sue tries to figure them out.

Sue: Shelly.

Me: What?

Sue: Shelly. His face.

Me: He looks like Hywell Bennet?

Sue: No, shelly – you know, as in the sea-side. He has a face like a clam. A clam crossed with a giant pig. Doctor Who loves giant pigs.

Back in the pub, the Doctor is examining the fireplace.

Sue: Do you remember when everybody had brass ornaments over their fireplace? We were the only house in our street that didn’t have any brass – thank God. My mother couldn’t be arsed polishing it. Good for her.

The Doctor orders another drink.

Sue: Yeah, and this time make it a pint!

The Doctor is amazed when the calendar on the wall doesn’t include a tomorrow.

Sue: It’s Groundhog Day meets The Prisoner. I like it.

The Doctor arranges to meet up with Sarah in the local shop.

Sue: Is this Royston Vasey?

Sadly, Sue guesses that Sarah is an android straight away. I was hoping she’d pick up on the continuity error involving her scarf but, alas, the clue is definitely in the title.

Styggron and a Kraal named Chedaki bicker over the details of their invasion plan.

Sue: Blimey, they’re a bit boring this lot, aren’t they? It doesn’t help that I can’t tell them apart – I hate it when I can’t do that. And I suppose the guards with the exploding fingers aren’t Autons? I’m disappointed.

The android guards pursue the Doctor and Sarah into the woods.

Sue: It looks like they’re being chased by the Stig.

The episode concludes with the Doctor confronting “Sarah” who falls over (for no readily apparent reason). When her face falls off, Sue blames shoddy workmanship.

Sue: I’ve definitely seen this cliffhanger before. Have you ever tried to make me watch this story?

Me: Definitely not.

Sue: Hmm. Maybe they played this bit on the news when Elisabeth Sladen died. Yes, I think that’s probably it.

Me: Thanks for that. I feel all sad now.

Part Three

A faceless Sarah sits up and it starts shooting at the Doctor.

Sue: That is really disturbing.

Meanwhile, Styggron and Chedaki are still bickering.

Sue: That one on the right sounds familiar…

When Chadaki says the following line, the penny finally drops:

Sue: Oh, it’s George from Rainbow. (as George from Rainbow) That’s a good idea, Zippy.

Me: That’s uncanny. Much better than your Terrance Dicks.

The Doctor makes it to the center of the village, where several androids are being unloaded from a van.

Sue: It reminds me of the place where Amy Pond comes from – the village where everything is slightly wrong. You can definitely see the influence. It reminds me of The Prisoner and The Avengers a lot, too.

Me: There’s definitely an ITC vibe to this.

Sue: So why are some of the androids dressed as the Stig? Surely there’s only one Stig on planet Earth? Well, maybe two. OK, possibly three if you count Michael Schumacher.

Me: They haven’t got a face.

Sue: The Faceless Ones, eh? Are you impressed?

Me: OK, who wrote The Faceless Ones?

Sue:

Me: No, I’m not impressed.

As the Doctor makes his way through the village, Sue is drawn to the red telephone box standing on the green.

Sue: I saw one of those on eBay for two grand the other day. But you could probably buy a TARDIS for that kind of money, so I thought, what’s the point?

Styggron sneaks up on the Doctor and he attacks him with an obligatory neck rub. Sue sighs, but when the Doctor greets the Kraal with a cheerful “Oh, hello!” she falls about laughing.

The androids tie the Doctor to a cross with some artificial ivy.

Sue: Are you sure this isn’t the Autons? This would make much more sense if it was the Autons.

Sarah rescues the Doctor and they make it to the Kraal ship just before the village is wiped from the face of the planet with a CSO dissolve.

Sue: Eh?

That’s all she’s got.

The Doctor and Sarah are locked up in a cell together and Crayford begs Styggron to spare their lives.

Sue: He’s like a really shit Nick Fury.

Crayford visits the Doctor in his cell, where he cheerfully spill the beans.

Sue: He got fed up drinking his own piss. I really like this actor though – what’s his name again? – I almost believe his crazy story.

But Crayford has been duped – the Kraals are going to destroy humanity with a deadly virus.

Sue: Terry and his viruses. He’s obsessed. Terry must have been a very sickly child.

The Doctor is led away to have his brain patterns stolen. Sarah uses her poisoned water supply and an electrical cable to incapacitate an android.

Sue: (as George from Rainbow) That was a good idea.

The Doctor’s head is about to explode when Sarah rescues him. Again.

Sue: Twice in two episodes. Is that a new record?

The Doctor is disoriented and his recital of Chekov mixed with Lewis Carroll gets a very big laugh.

Sue: You never know what he’s going to come out with next. Tom always manages to keep it interesting.

The Doctor and Sarah board Crayford’s rocket just as it takes off.

Sue: It’s a very roomy rocket.

The Doctor places Sarah in one of the android capsules but he is crushed by the g-force before he can shut the lid. The episode concludes with Sarah struggling against the mounting pressure.

Sue: Suck your cheeks in, love.

Part Four

The rocket escapes Oseidon’s gravity and all is well.

Sue: Right, so there wasn’t really a threat in the last cliffhanger. Just some minor discomfort.

In the background, a capsule opens to reveal a copy of the Doctor inside.

Sue: Now that would have been a cliffhanger. What a wasted opportunity.

The Doctor comes up with an insane escape plan and Sarah lists the many ways they could end up dead.

Sue: There’s some very witty banter in this. The dialogue is very good. This isn’t bad at all.

Meanwhile, on Earth…

Sue: Yay! It’s the real Benton and Harry.

And then…

Sue: WHO THE **** IS THAT?!

It’s Colonel Faraday.

Sue: They’ve recast the Brigadier. But they can’t do that!

Me: Calm down – it’s a completely different character.

Sue: So why did they hire someone with a moustache, then? It’s very confusing. They should have hired a woman or someone clean-shaven. He’s Brig-lite.

The Kraals’ capsules arrive on Earth.

Sue: Shooting this scene from behind a rock doesn’t really work, Barry. Oh dear.

The Doctor steps out of his capsule.

Sue: So which Doctor is that?

He staggers around comically.

Sue: Ah, it must be the real one.

Crayford’s rocket is guided down by the Space Defence Station. Sue is very happy when she discovers that Britain has its very own Lieutenant Uhura.

Sue: Isn’t anyone going to ask him why he’s suddenly got an eye patch?

Me: They are just being polite.

With android doubles running about the place, it doesn’t take long for Sue to lose track.

Sue: Do both the Doctors have sore throats? Or is that how you tell them apart?

Crayford’s rocket lands safely and the SDC celebrate with a nice cup of tea.

Sue: If this was NASA they would be yelling and hollering and giving each other high fives. This is very low-key.

The Doctor confronts Colonel Faraday but Sue won’t give him the time of day.

Sue: It’s obvious that they’ve just hired somebody to say the Brig’s lines. But this bloke makes the Brig sound like an idiot; it just proves how good an actor Nick Courtney really was.

Confusion reigns.

Sue: Who’s who?

Me: Is that supposed to be a joke?

Sue: No. And why is Benton letting the Doctor shoot at the other Doctor?

Me: It’s not Benton.

Sue: Since when?

Me: Here, I’ve got a flowchart somewhere…

Even the Doctor doesn’t have a clue anymore.

Sue: Maybe it’s supposed to be this confusing on purpose?

The android Benton shoots the wrong Doctor.

Sue: I like the way they programmed the android to be as stupid as Benton. You can’t tell them apart. What a ‘nana.

Crayford is told the terrible truth – there’s nothing wrong with his eye.

Sue: They can’t be serious…

I have to stop her from throwing a cushion at the television.

Sue: So he never took it off when he had a shower or when he went to bed? He never peeked at it the whole time? But that’s just stupid! This was heading for a 7/10 but not anymore.

The Doctor fights his android double and Sue is very impressed with the choreography.

But when Styggron kills the Doctor – which turns out to be an android – Sue only has one thing to say:

Sue: EH?

The Doctor explains that he reprogrammed the android to do his dirty work for him.

Sue: When? How? Why? Eh? This was heading for a 6/10 but not anymore.

The episode concludes with Sarah accepting a lift home in the TARDIS.

Sue: You’d have thought Benton and Harry would have seen them off. And Sarah must be mad if she thinks she won’t end up on another detour. But I guess that’s the point.

The Final Score

Sue: I know I sound like a stuck record but it fell apart at the end. It started out brilliantly – they should have spent a lot more time in the village building up the tension – all of that was excellent. But the aliens’ plan was insane. And why would the astronaut go along with it? Was he blind? No – he wasn’t even half-blind. What a load of rubbish. But some of the ideas were good and there’s some nice banter between the Doctor and Sarah Jane. The location was lovely, too. What a shame.

5/10

Update: The Fan Can interviews Sue.

The experiment continues…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – U.N.I.T Files (Invasion of the Dinosaurs and the Android Invasion) [DVD]

Price: £22.99

Part One

Sue: Is there anything I should know about Stephen Harris? I don’t remember seeing his name before.

Me: Only that he doesn’t exist; it’s a pseudonym for Robert Holmes. He had to completely rewrite another bloke’s script at the last-minute; the only thing he kept was the title.

Sue: Oh, well if it’s Robert Holmes, it’s bound to be good. That’s excellent news. Unless it’s rubbish and he took his name off it because he was ashamed. Oh, why does it have to be so complicated?

Our story begins in Egypt…

Sue: For a second there, I thought they’d gone abroad to film a Doctor Who, but that would be silly, wouldn’t it? Nice stock footage, though. It almost had me fooled.

A British archeologist, Professor Marcus Scarman, enters an ancient burial chamber.

Sue: It’s a very clean tomb. I would have expected a bit more dust than that.

The Professor is attacked by a mysterious green light and Sue agrees that we’re off to a good start.

Meanwhile, on the TARDIS…

Sue: That’s a very nice tracking shot. Very moody.

Sarah enters the console room in a white Victorian dress (which is really handy when you think about it), and the Doctor calls her Vicky by mistake.

Sue: Victoria never wore a dress like that. And the other Vicki definitely didn’t wear a dress like that. Now, a mini-skirt on the other hand…

Not only is the Doctor forgetful today, he’s a right moody arse as well.

Sue: Awww, the Doctor is having a mid-life crisis. Just like you, love.

Before I can argue with her, the TARDIS goes haywire and Sarah is spooked by a horrible head floating in mid-air.

Sue: Why does Sarah Jane always pick up on the weird shit before the Doctor does? What’s that all about? Is she supposed to be psychic or something?

The TARDIS makes an emergency landing and the Doctor immediately opens the door and rushes outside…

Sue: This Doctor is very cocky. He didn’t check to see if it was safe. Hartnell would never have done that – he’d have spent fifteen minutes checking the oxygen levels. One of these days, the Doctor will open that door and he’ll be killed straight away. That’ll teach him.

The Doctor and Sarah have arrived at UNIT’s HQ in 1911, when it used to be a priory. In another part of the house, someone is playing an organ with all the stops out.

Sue: Is it the Master in a fez?

Namin, for it is he, is interrupted by a man named Doctor Warlock and they get into an argument about Professor Scarman’s whereabouts. The Doctor and Sarah escape through a window so they can scout around the premises.

Me: This is Mick Jagger’s house.

Sue: Really? It needs a bit of work. It could with a good sandblasting for a start.

Me: He hasn’t moved in yet.

Sue: Well, he should get it sandblasted before he does. The window frames could do with some work, too. And that fascia doesn’t look very Victorian to me.

The argument between Namin and Warlock escalates and Namin pulls a gun. The Doctor and Sarah try to intervene but Warlock gets shot in the process.

Sue: That was a bit cack-handed. The Doctor must be having an off-day. If I were him, I’d go back to the TARDIS and start again. He’s in a foul mood.

The Doctor and Sarah carry the injured Warlock away from the priory.

Sue: Look at all that blood. You’d never see that much blood in the new series.

Namin opens an Egyptian sarcophagus to reveal an inert Mummy standing inside. Namin delivers a brief incantation and the Mummy steps out.

Sue: That’s a nice design. I like the concave chest a lot. They would have scared me as a kid.

Namin and his Mummies pursue the Doctor outside, but Namin is stopped in his tracks when the priory’s organ starts up again.

Sue: Somebody is playing with his organ without his permission. He isn’t very happy about it.

Me: Maybe Rick Wakeman has popped round for a cup of tea?

The Doctor and Sarah escape to a nearby lodge, where they meet Marcus’ brother, Laurence. And even though Laurence is clearly distressed, Sarah blithely tells him that she is a time traveller from the year 1980.

I pause the DVD. You can guess the rest.

Sue: I don’t really care, Neil. Maybe she was rounding up or showing off. Does it really matter?

I sigh and press Play.

As is becoming customary now, Sue falls under Tom Baker’s spell whenever he launches into one of his speeches.

Sue: Tom really sells the threat when he’s in a bad mood. He could make fairy cakes sound like the most terrifying thing on earth if he was pissed off at the time.

Back at the priory, Namin is worshipping at the feet of an Egyptian sarcophagus.

Sue: He’s set his organ to auto-pilot. Wouldn’t it be funny if it slipped into the bossa nova setting by mistake…

A figure dressed in black steps out of a multi-coloured tunnel that has formed around the sarcophagus. His feet leave a smoking trail behind him.

Sue: That’s a great special effect. That can’t have been easy. Hang on, is it an Ice Warrior? They’re from Mars, aren’t they?

Namin abases himself like an ant, but it’s to no avail…

Sue: What is it with Doctor Who villains and neck massages? They’re obsessed!

Namin receives Sutkeh’s gift of death…

Sue: I hope he kept the receipt.

Part Two

This episode begins with a reprise of Namin’s death…

Me: The only problem I have with this scene is that I can’t watch it without thinking about boys having underage sex.

Sue spits her tea out.

Sue: WHAT?

Me: I’m talking about Queer As Folk. There’s a scene in the first episode where Russell T. Davies intercuts this cliffhanger with some red-hot rimming action. I have no idea why he choose this particular bit. It must be one of RTD’s favourite moments, I suppose.

Sue: Yeah, I don’t understand why a bloke in a S&M mask and a black latex suit would appeal to a gay man, either.

Me: Oh, yeah… Actually, doesn’t Gary have a thing about Egyptian men with beards? It all makes sense now.

Sue: There’s something for everyone in this show.

Meanwhile, back on Pyramids of Mars, a poacher stumbles across some Mummies on patrol.

Sue: They are even more scary in the dark. I really like the Mummy design – it’s simple but effective. Just don’t let them talk.

The poacher returns to the priory and he shoots a possessed Marcus Scarman in the back. The bullet passes straight through him but the process is mysteriously reversed and Scarman survives.

Sue: That was very nicely done but wasn’t the poacher jumping to conclusions? He didn’t actually see Scarman do anything evil and yet he tries to murder him. That’s a bit of a leap. Even if he is in the right.

But it’s not all bad news:

Sue: Mick Jagger’s parquet floor is very nice.

Me: This isn’t Mick’s house – this is BBC Television Centre. You only see the exterior of his house in the location scenes.

Sue: Really? I thought they took the cameras inside the house. Oh, in that case I’m really impressed with the sets this week. The carpentry is excellent.

Tom gravely spells out the threat posed by Sutekh.

Sue: Tom is really into this, isn’t he? The Doctor is scarier than the main villain.

When Laurence steps into the TARDIS, he is overcome with excitement.

Sue: Is he Harry’s replacement? He’d be a great assistant – very enthusiastic. Although that might get on your tits after a while.

Sarah isn’t worried – she’s from the year 1980 and everything was perfectly fine when she left (which, if you ask me, proves that she can’t be from 1980), so the Doctor takes her there for a quick visit.

Sue: OK, OK, so the stories are definitely set in 1980. I get it. Let’s move on. Actually, I like this scene – sometimes you have to remind the audience the future can be changed. It would be boring if they did it every week, though.

Meanwhile, back in 1911, a poacher is beging chased by two Mummies.

Sue: They are pretty spry for dead guys.

The poacher is captured and the Mummies crush him to death between their ribcages.

Me: One of my more vivid memories from childhood involves me re-enacting scenes from this story in the school playground. I definitely remember being crushed between the chests of two girls pretending to be Mummies. Happy days.

Sue: You sick bastard.

Me: I was seven years old!

The episode concludes with the Mummies bursting into the lodge to attack the Doctor and Sarah.

Sue: That was a very intense cliffhanger. I’m enjoying this.

Part Three

We are joined by Nicol, but only because this story manages to combine two of her favourite subjects – the Victorians and the Egyptians. She kicks herself when I tell her we are already halfway through.

Sue: Tom Baker would be a terrible Samaritan.

She’s referring to the Doctor’s brusque dismissal of Laurence’s mounting concern for his brother, but when we see Mummies building an Osiran war missile out in the courtyard, Nicol is thrilled to see another one of her favourite things:

Nicol: It’s the Louvre!

Me: You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Sue: Forget that, what’s a cytronic particle accelerator, Nic?

Nicol: A completely made-up thing? How am I supposed to know?

The Doctor and Sarah find the invisible force field surrounding the estate.

Nicol: That’s cheap.

Me: Don’t knock it. Stephen King managed to squeeze a 1000-page novel out of the same idea.

The Doctor attempts to disable the force field but when Sarah breaks his concentration, he snaps at her.

Sue: Oh dear. He’s turning back into Jon Pertwee. Why is he in such a bad mood today, and why is he taking it out on Sarah Jane?

Me: He’s very tense. He’s worried about Sutekh.

Sue: But he was being an arse before they arrived. I hope he isn’t like this from now on.

And then we get our first glimpse of a mysterious figure sitting on a chair somewhere.

Nicol: Is it the Master?

Me: Don’t you start.

It turns out that Sutekh wants to destroy all life.

Sue: So who will Sutekh talk to when everybody is dead? He definitely likes the sound of his own voice but there won’t be anyone left to gloat over if he kills everything. He hasn’t thought it through.

Sue decides its time to bring Nicol up to speed:

Sue: That’s Mick Jagger’s house, Nic.

Nicol: So is that Mick Jagger’s potting shed?

Sue: Yes. I wonder what he might end up growing in there (if you know what I mean).

Sutekh sends Marcus the co-ordinates for the pyramid on Mars in a metal container.

Sue: It’s a big thermos of tea. Go stick the kettle on, Nicol.

Nicol: I can’t. I’m watching this.

Back at the lodge, the Doctor and company unwrap a Mummy, revealing a robot skeleton beneath.

Sue: Oh, I like that. That’s very Doctor Who, isn’t it?

Nicol: It looks like an Antony Gormley sculpture.

Laurence finally confronts Marcus but it doesn’t end well for him.

Sue: That was very grim.

Me: It was very poignant.

The Doctor casually pushes Laurence’s body to one side.

Sue: Not it isn’t – it’s needlessly bleak. There aren’t many laughs in this one, are there? Maybe Robert Holmes was in a bad mood when he wrote it.

Sue admits that she is struggling with this story.

Sue: I have a problem with the plot. It feels a bit contrived to me; I can’t enjoy it if I can’t get a handle on it.

Sarah shoots the gelignite that the Doctor has secreted on the Osiran war missile.

Sue: I didn’t know that Sarah was a crack shot. When did they cover that at journalism school? Still, fair play to her.

Sutekh uses his willpower to stop the explosion from going off. The Doctor rushes back to the priory and he activates the transporter hidden in the sarcophagus.

Nicol: What the hell is that, and why do I have this sudden urge to eat a bag of Skittles?

Sue: It’s a time-space tunnel, love.

The Doctor steps into it.

Nicol: He’ll end up soaked in Hawking radiation, now. That’s nice.

The Doctor enters Sutekh’s lair…

Sue: Sutekh needs a better interior decorator. It looks like he’s been paint balling in there.

Sutekh just has to stare at the Doctor to pin him to a wall, and the episode concludes with the Doctor screaming in agony.

Sue: Robert Holmes always writes the best cliffhangers.

Part Four

The episode begins with Sutekh completely dominating the Doctor.

Sue: That isn’t something you see every day.

Me: This scene completely ****ed me up when I was seven. It ****ing terrified me.

I don’t tell her that it still does.

Sutekh sends a hypnotised Doctor back to the priory, but when the Doctor takes Sarah and Scarman to Mars in his TARDIS, Sue is adamant that the Doctor is bluffing.

Sue: He’ll wink at Sarah Jane any minute now.

He doesn’t.

The TARDIS arrives on Mars and it turns out that the Doctor was under Sutekh’s command after all.

Sue: Bloody hell. That’s a bit scary.

A Mummy strangles the Doctor (“Technically a neck rub”) and Scarman leaves him for dead. But the Doctor was only pretending and he rushes off with Sarah to stop Scarman from freeing Sutekh.

Sue: What does tribophsyics mean, Nic?

Nicol: Something to do with friction, probably. It’s Doctor Who – it could mean practically anything.

The Doctor and Sarah are stopped in their tracks by a puzzle on a wall.

Sue: Hang on a minute… We’ve seen this episode before. And it was boring then.

Me: At least Robert Holmes draws attention to the fact that this is a rip-off of the Exillon city from Death to the Daleks.

Sue: Oh yeah, the Exillon city. It was on the tip of my tongue, honestly.

Nicol: What have you done with my mother, Neil?

The Doctor and Sarah continue their pursuit and even Nicol believes she’s seen it all before.

Nicol: It’s The Crystal Maze. Again!

Me: You and The Crystal bloody Maze. You are obsessed with it. Let it go – it’s never coming back.

Nicol: It’s not my fault. Every time I watch an episode of old Doctor Who it has this scene in it, or something very similar to it. Are they all like this?

Sarah is trapped in a large perspex cylinder.

Nicol: The Doctor will have to give up one of his crystals if he wants to let her out. It all depends on how much time he wants in the Dome.

Sue: Mars is a shit hole. I don’t think much of their interior designers at all.

Me: It’s supposed to be a prison, not a holiday camp.

Scarman reaches a room made entirely of CSO and he frees Sutekh. Sutekh rises from his throne. Nicol laughs her head off.

Sue: OK, what did I miss?

Oh, I suppose she has a right to see it, so I rewind the DVD; it’s not as if we can follow the plot with Nicol howling like a drain.

If by some miracle you’ve never seen the scene in question, here you go:

Sue: Oh dear. That’s terrible. Why didn’t they paint that out for the DVD release?

Me: Because if they did, the DVD producers would have been hunted down and killed.

Sue: I know that feeling.

Me: Doctor Who fans like it warts and all.

Nicol: But it’s ridiculous; I can’t take this seriously anymore.

And then Sutekh reveals his true form…

Sue: What the **** is that supposed to be? It looks like a horse on hunger strike.

Sue hasn’t got a clue what’s going at the end when the Doctor races back to 1911 to do something vitally important.

Sue: The solution sounds clever, but it’s very confusing. And it’s a bit of an anti-climax, too.

Nicol: I followed it. It’s silly but it makes sense. Just about.

Sue: I’m not convinced. It a lot of build-up for not very much at all.

The priory explodes.

Sue: Mick Jagger won’t be happy.

The Final Score

Sue: That was OK, I suppose. Tom Baker was very good, even if I don’t like his attitude. But it fell apart in the last episode. Don’t get me wrong – it looked great and the acting was great but the plot was all over the place. The bits on Mars were boring and they should have spent more time explaining what was going on at the end. Sutekh was completely wasted, although I did like the Mummies. But there’s definitely something missing that I can’t quite put my finger on. I think I’d like a lot less gobbledygook and a lot more drama, please. I don’t know what to give it. A six, maybe? A seven at a push.

I grab that seven with both hands.

7/10

It’s official – Pyramids of Mars is just as good as The Mutants. I have battened down the hatches. Hey, at least she didn’t think it was racist. You know, this is just as difficult for me to hear as it is for you. It’s clearly a ****ing nine. I have therefore posted video clips of her appearance on Bullseye circa 1989 on our Facebook group as a punishment. Now let that be a lesson to her.

The experiment continues…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – Pyramids Of Mars [1975] [DVD] [1963]

Price: £7.17

Part One

Sue: Louis Marks. I hope this doesn’t “Lose Marks” too quickly. I don’t want to be burnt at the stake if it turns out to be rubbish.

Me: That’s a pun. We don’t do puns.

Sue: But seriously, that name rings a bell. Should I know who Louis Marks is?

Me: He ran a very profitable sideline selling toy Daleks.

Sue: Did he really?

Me: No. And to answer your original question, he wrote Planet of Giants and Day of the Daleks.

Sue: Oh dear. I actually recognise the names of people who have worked on Doctor Who.

Me: When you can recite transmission dates off the top of your head, that’s the time to worry.

On the planet Zeta Minor, a Morestran is tending to his corpse garden…

Sue: Did he just bury a seven-year-old child? How grim is that?

Me: I don’t think they brought any seven-year-old children with them on this expedition, but I could be wrong.

Sue: Is it the Thals? He looks like a Thal. And I’m sure I’ve seen that caravan before…

Meanwhile, Professor Sorenson and a young man named Baldwin are analysing crystals found on the planet’s surface.

Sue: Are they intergalactic drug dealers? Are they cooking up some crystal meth? It’s a futuristic Breaking Bad. They even have their own caravan.

Meanwhile, back at the Morestran base/caravan, the corpse gardener is spooked by something in the jungle.

Sue: Just go back inside your caravan and lock the door. It’s probably safe in there. Don’t walk further away from it! What the hell are you doing, man!

But it’s too late; the gardener is pinned down by an unseen force and, screaming in agony and terror, he simply disappears.

Sue: It’s another monster that cleans up after itself. You get a lot of those in Doctor Who.

Baldwin hurries back to the base through a very impressive jungle set.

Sue: Are we on film now? This looks excellent all of a sudden.

But when Baldwin reaches a clearing, Sue sighs.

Sue: And now we’re on video again. What a shame.

Baldwin is ‘disappeared’ as well, but not before he presses a very important button.

Sue: So the monster in this story is invisible. What would Doctor Who do without invisible monsters? I’m surprised the BBC haven’t tried to sell you some invisible monsters for your toy collection.

Me: Who says they haven’t? I’ve got hundreds of them.

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, the Doctor and Sarah intercept Baldwin’s distress call.

Sue: The Doctor is overjoyed with the prospect of danger. He’s a lunatic.

Also heading to Zeta Minor is a Morestran military ship.

Sue: This is very Star Trek.

As Commander Salamar barks orders to his subordinates, Sue points a finger at him.

Sue: Oh, it’s him again.

Me: Prentis Hancock – my favourite bad actor.

Sue: He hasn’t improved since last time we saw him. Are you sure this lot aren’t Thals?

It doesn’t take long for Sue to cast her critical eye over the Morestrans’ costumes.

Sue: They are probably very nice if you have a hairy chest to show off. I’m surprised they aren’t wearing gold medallions. The Thals could throw the chains at the Cybermen if they got into a fight with them.

Me: They aren’t Thals!

Thankfully, not all the costumes in this story are ridiculed by Sue.

Sue: Sarah Jane looks very nice this week. Practical but stylish.

The Sarah and the Doctor find the distress beacon in the Morestran caravan, with Baldwin’s skeleton lying next to it.

Sue: OK, I’m a little confused. I thought the victims vanished? So why have they come back again?

Sarah returns to the TARDIS to gather some equipment, but the Morestran military lock her inside.

Sue: Just use the manual crank handle, love.

When the Morestrans summarise the current situation, most of it goes over Sue’s head. Thanks to Tom.

Sue: What the **** is Tom Baker staring at? Even when he doesn’t say anything, he’s still the most interesting thing to look at. I can’t take my eyes off him. What is he looking at?

Me: He’s probably giving the floor manager a hard time.

The Doctor and Sarah are placed in detention but Sarah quickly figures a way out.

Sue: Sarah is doing most of the heavy lifting in this story. I like it. But you have to ask yourself why the Doctor is having such an off-day. He looks like he’s wandering around in a daze.

The episode concludes with our heroes escaping to the clearing, where they immediately run into…

Sue: A fat Predator.

Part Two

The Morestrans tackle the monster with their high-tech weaponry.

Sue: Their guns sound very wimpy. They look good but they sound like something you’d pick up at Toys R Us. And how is this monster killing everyone when it’s just standing there doing nothing? It isn’t even touching anyone.

The Doctor and Sarah decide to leg it and, luckily for them, the Morestrans couldn’t hit a barn door with their wimpy weapons if their lives depended on it.

Sue: Are they the UNIT of the future? Which one’s supposed to be Benton?

When the Doctor and Sarah hike through the jungle – on film – Sue focuses on the down side.

Sue: I wish it could look like this all the time. I know it’s a budgetary thing but doesn’t it make you feel sad? It’s so frustrating. Part of me wishes the whole thing was shot on video, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed when we keep switching back to it. Oh well.

The Morestrans send an Oculoid Tracker to find the Doctor and Sarah.

Sue: How big is this thing supposed to be? There’s no sense of scale. It could be really tiny or there could be people sitting in it. Which is it?

As it hovers over the Doctor and Sarah, Sue finally cottons on.

Sue: OK, this is pretty good, actually. Technically, it’s quite impressive. I’m not really into the plot yet, but it looks very good. The direction isn’t bad either.

The Doctor and Sarah are returned to the Morestran ship, and when it fails to get off the ground, the Doctor explains what it is they’re up against.

Sue: Tom’s great, isn’t he? You could give him practically anything to say and he’d make it sound interesting. I like the way he stares right down the camera lens at the audience. He’s practically daring us not to take this seriously.

Sorenson begs Salamar to let him take a few crystals home with him.

Sue: Sorenson looks like Eddie Izzard on a very bad day.

Me: It’s Frank Spencer’s flying instructor. Remember?

Sue: Oh yes, so it is.

Incredibly, she recognises another actor.

Sue: His voice is very familiar.

Me: It’s Davros.

Sue: So it is. So is this the story where we find out what happened to his legs?

Me: No, it’s the actor who plays Davros. His name is Michael Wisher.

Sue: I thought he’d be a lot older. (pause). Are you sure they aren’t Thals?

Me: I thought we’d already established that.

The Doctor places a sample of Sorenson’s crystals in an empty toffee tin.

Sue: We’ve got a Harrogate toffee tin just like that.

Me: I know.

Pause.

Sue: So that’s why we have a Harrogate toffee tin just like that. It all makes sense now.

The Doctor volunteers to have a chat with the monster on the Morestrans’ behalf. But it doesn’t go according to plan and the episode ends with the Doctor falling into a very deep hole.

Sue: Great cliffhanger. I haven’t got a clue what the Doctor was hoping to achieve there, but it was very exciting.

Me: I definitely remember watching that cliffhanger and freaking out when it first went out.

Sue: Bless.

Me: I must have been obsessed with Doctor Who by then. That episode went out two days before my sixth birthday and the following Monday I was given a toy Dalek as my main present. It was a red one by Palitoy (not Louis Marx).

Sue: Eh?

Me: It could talk and everything. I loved that bloody Dalek. I can see it now. I can even smell it now. It’s like I’m back in the room and not only can I remember the details of the room, I can remember the feelings I had when I was playing with it; this feeling floats on the tip of my mind, but if I try to focus on it, it slips away. Being a Doctor Who fan really does allow you to time travel. Sort of.

Part Three

Me: This is our 300th episode of Doctor Who (not including recons).

Sue: Is that all? It feels like more.

Me: Fancy a dance?

Sue: Not really.

Nicol decides to join us for this momentous occasion; I fill her in on what she’s missed.

Nicol: Not anti-matter again! Why are they still obsessed with that?

Sue explains to Nicol that the Doctor has fallen into a hole that exists between universes. This is illustrated with images of Tom Baker being flung towards the camera on a Kirby wire.

Nicol: Right… Well, that definitely wouldn’t happen.

Sue: They’re trying, bless.

Nicol: If he fell into an anti-matter universe (which wouldn’t technically exist) then he would cease to exist as soon as he passed the event horizon. Everybody knows that.

The Doctor eventually emerges from the hole unscathed.

Nicol: Right, that’s enough bad science for one night. I’m off.

Back on the Morestran ship, Professor Sorenson is fighting off excruciating pain.

Sue: He’s suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome by the look of it.

But when Sorenson’s eyes turn bright red, Sue is much more forgiving.

Sue: That’s excellent; you could get away with that today.

Sorenson quaffs a steaming potion and he eventually returns to normal.

Sue: So this is basically Jekyll and Hyde in reverse. But I suppose if you saw this when you were five or six years old, you’d think it was the most original thing you’d ever seen.

Sarah tends to the Doctor, who remains unconscious after his trip to the anti-matter universe.

Sue: I still don’t understand how he got out of the hole. Did he just float out? They had better explain it soon.

The Doctor suggests he survived thanks to the tin of anti-matter he was carrying with him at the time.

Sue: And?

The Morestrans attempt to leave the planet for the second time.

Sue: The front of their spaceship looks like a mobile disco.

It’s at this point that Sue figures out the perfect escape plan.

Sue: Why don’t they all just go back to the TARDIS and **** off? That’s what I’d do. Just let the ship crash. Job’s a good ‘un.

By this point, Sorenson looks awful. Like Killer Bob from Twin Peaks crossed with werewolf Benton from Inferno.

Sue: He is on the crystal meth. And he’s definitely due for his fix.

With Sorenson notching up quite a kill streak, Sue decides to forgive Mark Lawson. There’s a first time for everything.

Sue: Now this feels like a horror film.

A couple of days ago, we watched Mark Lawson Talks To Mark Gatiss on BBC4, and in it, Lawson referred to Doctor Who as a horror show. Sue took umbrage at this description, believing that it was more much about action adventure than horror, although there were a few horrific moments scattered here and there. Now she’s not so sure.

Sue: This is pretty scary, actually. It looks like he’s drinking blood and he’s obviously possessed by the devil. What time did this go out again?

The Doctor gets into an altercation with a Morestran, so he punches him in the jaw.

Sue: That was a canny punch. I take it this Doctor doesn’t go in for the finger to the chest routine. That’s fine by me.

When Salamar finds the Doctor and Sarah standing over yet another corpse, he shoots the Doctor in the face.

Sue: You bastard!

The episode concludes with the Doctor and Sarah facing the unlikely prospect of being buried alive in space.

Sue: Nice cliffhanger. I can’t really complain about that.

Part Four

For once, it’s me asking all the questions, as Salamar forces Vishinsky to pull the lever that will send the Doctor and Sarah to their doom.

Me: Why doesn’t he just pull the lever himself? Why get into a fight with an old man?

Sue: He’s trying to make a point. He wants the old guy to have blood on his hands. It literally is a power struggle between them. Keep up, love.

The ship’s pilot is killed and everyone rushes back to the bridge. On his way out, Vishinsky pushes the lever back, saving the Doctor and Sarah.

Sue: That was a nice touch. He didn’t make a big deal out of it. I liked that.

As things go from bad to worse, Salamar loses his cool.

Sue: The problem with this guy is that he’s been ranting and raving from the moment we first met him. He hasn’t got anywhere else to go. He’s going to end up shrieking like a little girl. He should have ramped it up gradually.

Vishinsky gives the order to close all the hatchways.

Sue: Oh look – it’s the credits to Mystery Science 3000 Thingy.

The Doctor confronts Sorenson and he appeals to the scientist inside him to do the right thing.

Me: Great scene, don’t you think?

Sue: If you say so.

Me: Do you have any idea what just happened back there?

Sue: Not really.

Me: The Doctor just convinced the bad guy to commit suicide.

Sue: Seriously? I thought he was giving him an opportunity to flush his drugs down the toilet.

Sorenson prepares to eject himself into space, but before he can pull the lever, the anti-matter part of himself takes over.

Sue: The Doctor should have used assisted suicide instead. He could have stopped that from happening.

Salamar arms himself with a neutron accelerator and he sets off to find Sorenson.

Sue: He really is shrieking like a little girl, now. I told you that he didn’t have anywhere else left to go.

Salamar is killed by the anti-man, but not before he can unleash the neutron accelerator.

Sue: OK, is everyone dead now? Just take the old guy, jump in the TARDIS, and leave.

The Doctor stuns the anti-man and he drags him into his TARDIS.

Sue: The Doctor’s a bit confident if he thinks he can land the TARDIS wherever he wants.

Me: According to Big Finish, Sorenson and the Doctor enjoy several adventures together in the gap between the next two scenes. Although Sorenson is tied up throughout, which limits him quite a bit.

As multiple versions of the anti-man wander around the Morestrans’ ship, Sue can’t see the point of them at all.

Sue: What do these things want, exactly? I don’t get it. How did this even happen? Was I supposed to know that the flask of light would do that? Should I get Nicol?

Me: I wouldn’t bother.

The Doctor manages to land the TARDIS next to the pool of anti-matter on Zeta Minor (this feat impresses Sue no end) and Sorenson falls into it.

Me: You know, I have absolutely no memory of this episode at all. Either I missed it or -

Sue: It’s shit. That’s why you can’t remember it. You just blocked it out.

Sorenson is miraculously returned to normal and he is welcomed back onboard the Morestran ship by Vishinsky.

Me: He killed loads of people and now they are queuing up to shake his hand. They should lock him up.

Sue: It’s called diminished responsibility, Neil. For example, if I killed you now, I could use this experiment as my excuse; I’d definitely get off.

The Final Score

Sue: That was average. It was on for a six or a seven but the last episode was a big disappointment. I was bored by the end of it. The plot didn’t really make any sense and I had no idea what was going on with the multiple monsters. The guy who played the commander was hopeless and I couldn’t care less about the rest of them. Tom was pretty good and the jungle was nice. If it hadn’t been for the jungle, I might have scored it lower.

5/10

Sue and I will now be taking a few weeks off to recharge our batteries and -

Sue: I’m happy to carry on. I think you’re making too much fuss out of a few negative comments on the blog. I couldn’t care less what people think or write about me. And if you dish it out, you have to be able to take it.

Me: But somebody called you a sour faced **** -

Sue: I’ve been called a lot worse. By you. It doesn’t bother me.

Me: Well, I need a break even if you don’t.

Sue: Actually, I would like to say something: I never claimed to be an expert when it comes to Land Rovers; it’s not like I’m going to appear on Mastermind with Land Rovers as my specialist subject (I’d probably pick the history of building regulations in the UK 2002-2012). I just like Land Rovers and the UNIT Land Rovers looked like Defenders to me. I couldn’t give a toss about what they were called in 1975 – it’s still the basic Defender shape. Not that I give a shit, of course.

Me: Right, that settles it. We are definitely taking a break.

Sue: Lightweight.

The experiment will continue…

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – Planet of Evil [DVD] [1975]

Price: £5.49

Part One

Me: We’ve made it to Doctor Who‘s 13th season.

Sue: 13, eh? Unlucky for some.

Me: We’ll see.

Thankfully, Terror of the Zygons gets off to a cracking start…

Sue: That’s a nice edit to kick things off; I’m not entirely sure what I was looking at there, but it’s a confident start.

An oil rig crumbles into the sea…

Sue: I still don’t know what I’m looking at, but that was probably a very nice explosion. I’m sure it was a smart decision to shoot it at night but I couldn’t really see anything.

Sadly, my copy of this story is incredibly dark and we’ll end up squinting at it quite a lot.

Happily, the next scene takes place in broad daylight, as the Doctor, Harry and Sarah march across a windswept moor. The Doctor is wearing a Tam o’Shanter.

Sue: Are we in Scotland?

Me: Nothing escapes you, love.

Sue: I like how Sarah is wearing the Doctor’s hat and Harry is wearing his scarf. They come across as one big happy family. Or very close friends who are comfortable swapping clothes.

Me: There are definitely forums for people like you.

And then Sue is swept off her feet…

Sue: Ooh, that’s a nice 1970s Land Rover. Oh, this is very nice. A nice location (although I’m not convinced it’s really Scotland), nice cars and a nice soundtrack. It’s nice. And it’s just like old times, too; I know I’m going to enjoy this one.

And then it gets even better…

Sue: A Land Rover Defender… now you’re talking. I’m spoilt for choice this week. And is that Benton driving? Get in!

A local Inn has been turned into UNIT’s temporary HQ. Inside, the Brigadier is discussing oil rig disasters with a man named Huckle.

Sue: The bagpipes are doing my head in. It’s too loud – I can’t hear a word anyone’s saying. It’s not Dudley, is it?

Even the Brigadier is annoyed by the racket.

Sue: Thank heavens he’s noticed it as well.

Pause.

Sue: Why hasn’t the Brig made it stop?! It’s not even a real person playing those bagpipes – it’s a record. If it was a real person, we’d see them.

Pause.

Sue: OK, the bagpipes have driven the cats out of the room. Enough is enough. This is giving me a headache.

Me: Get used to it – the soundtrack is like this for the next 90 minutes.

Sue: What?

However, when the Doctor walks into the bar, the music stops abruptly.

Sue: Thank **** for that.

Sarah decides to take the piss out of the Brigadier’s kilt.

Sue: Let’s have a look at your knees, then. It’s too dark, Neil, I can’t see his knees.

When the Doctor learns that the Brigadier has dragged him to Scotland to deal with an oil crisis, he scoffs at Earth’s reliance on fossil fuel.

Sue: The Doctor is well ahead of his time. If we’d listened to the Doctor in 1975, we wouldn’t be in such a big mess now.

But when the Doctor learns that the oil rigs have been attacked in mysterious circumstances, his interest is piqued.

Sue: My Dad made parts for the oil rigs around this time; he would have enjoyed this story.

The Doctor rushes off to investigate, leaving Sarah to make small talk with Angus, the Inn’s landlord.

Me: Look, it’s Shughie McFee from Crossroads.

Sue: I have no idea who that is, but I bet he’s the only gay in the village.

Me: Oh, you didn’t watch Crossroads back in the day, did you.

Sue: No, I had a life. I do remember this actor in another Doctor Who, though.

Me: There’s hope for you yet. In another universe you can tell me the name of the story as well.

Sue: I just remember you banging on about Crossroads.

Angus regales Sarah with tales of strange goings at Tulloch Moor.

Sue: It’s very American Werewolf in London, isn’t it? They are building up the tension quite nicely. The acting is fine, it’s on location, and there’s a nice pace to it. So far, so good.

Harry encounters a survivor from another oil rig disaster who has washed up on a beach. But when he tries to help the poor man, they are shot by a sniper in a sporran.

Me: Harry’s dead.

Sue: No he isn’t.

Me: Yes he is. He’s been shot in the head.

Sue: That’s just a flesh wound.

We cut to Doctor and Sarah at the Inn; the bagpipes are playing a lament for the dead.

Me: I told you so. They are foreshadowing Harry’s death with funeral music.

Sue: Really? They killed Harry?

By the time Sarah takes an urgent phone call from the local infirmary, I have successfully convinced Sue that she has just seen a Doctor Who companion die a brutal, senseless death. It’s one of life’s small pleasures.

Sue: But that’s awful!

Meanwhile, a Zygon is gently massaging the controls to his ship.

Sue: This is horrible. Is this supposed to be organic technology?

Me: Well spotted.

Sue: It reminds me of something else…

Me: Babylon 5?

Sue: Battlestar Galactica. When they had to fly that stolen Cylon ship it looked like someone’s lower intestines when they got in its cockpit. Hey, Cylon – Zygon. Coincidence?

Sarah arrives at the oil company’s infirmary to find Harry alive and well-ish. I duck as a cushion sails over my head. We haven’t had one of those in ages.

Back at the Inn, the Doctor is ruminating on what could be causing the attacks, when we suddenly cut to the Doctor’s face filling a strange red-tinted view screen on the Zygons’ ship.

Sue: That was a lovely edit. The direction is first-rate this week. Who is it?

Me: Do you really have to ask?

Sue: Is it Camfield? Is it really? I thought he was dead.

Me: No, he had a heart attack when he was directing Inferno, but he got better. Remember?

Sue: Thank **** for that. I thought this was a bit good. Having said that, this close-up of what I assume to be a Zygon reminds me of Bungle from Rainbow. That can’t be good.

The episode concludes with Sarah threatened by an advancing Zygon.

Sue: Pretty scary stuff.

Me: That cliffhanger still scares the crap out of me today.

Part Two

Sue: It’s good to have the gang back together again.

Me: What do you mean?

Sue: You know, the Brig, Benton, UNIT; it’s just like old times. And Camfield is back too. What more could you ask for?

Sue gets her first good look at a Zygon…

Sue: That’s an interesting design. I’m struggling to make out what they are saying but they look creepy and vaguely fishy. There’s one over there who looks like a goldfish that’s drowning on dry land.

The Zygon’s cyborg pet, the Skarasen, is also seen for the first time.

Sue: Now, that isn’t good. But it was a blink and you’ll miss it effect, so I’ll let it pass.

The Doctor and Sarah find themselves trapped in the infirmary’s decompression chamber with no oxygen. The Doctor sends Sarah into a trance. And then he howls like a banshee.

Sue: Is he trying to scream more air into the room? That was very odd.

Meanwhile, back at UNIT’s temporary HQ, the Brigadier is talking to a UNIT corporal about their predicament.

Sue: Is this the replacement for Yates? He isn’t very good is he? I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think I miss Yates.

Out on the misty moors, a UNIT soldier is on patrol…

Sue: This looks great. It’s very atmospheric. Good old Douglas. So who did the music? He wouldn’t work with Dudley Simpson so it can’t be him.

Me: A guy called Geoffrey Burgon.

Sue: I like it. It’s very delicate.

The poor soldier is attacked and killed by the Skarasen.

Sue: I wish we hadn’t seen that. Oh dear. Is this the point where it all starts to go downhill?

The Doctor finds the Skarasen’s signalling device at the scene of the crime.

Me: I used to have one of those but I think one of the cats ate it.

Sue: What? That would have killed it!

Me: Don’t worry; it was tiny – no bigger than a grain of rice. It came with my collectible Zygon action figure.

Sue: So that’s where I recognise the Zygons from. And I don’t think it was the cats, I’m pretty sure I hoovered the signalling device up once. Sorry.

As the Zygons plot and scheme, Sue strains to hear them.

Sue: The Zygons are difficult to understand with their classic Doctor Who voice, don’t you think? That half-whispering, half-wheezing thing all the monsters do. “Doc-TORRRRRR!” Like that.

A few hours after we saw this episode, Sue decided to amuse herself by thrusting the toy Zygon into my face whilst demanding, in her very best Broton impression, “Make me a cup of teaaaaaaa”. At least this story is making an impression.

The Zygons demonstrate their ability to mimic humans.

Sue: I said this was Battlestar Galactica.

A duplicate of Harry is sent to retrieve the Zygons’ signalling device. When he has it in his hands, he rudely pushes Sarah out of the way.

Sue: They don’t even pretend to blend in with their surroundings. Why bother with a disguise at all if you’re just going to draw attention to yourself like that.

Sarah gives chase…

Sue: There’s a lot of running around in this episode; I bet the cast were fit.

Me: If you look at rehearsal footage, most of the cast were chain smokers.

Sue: Then there’s hope for you yet.

Sarah pursues Harry to a barn and Douglas ladles on the tension with a hoe.

Sue: Can’t they get Douglas Camfield to direct all of them?

When Harry finally attacked Sarah with a pitchfork, Sue actually gasped.

Sue: ****ing hell! How grim was that? What an amazing scene. That was pretty disturbing. And very, very dark.

Me: It’s a shame the quality of this copy is so poor.

Sue: Why isn’t this story on DVD yet? It clearly isn’t a duffer, so what are they waiting for?

Me: Well, I can’t corroborate this, but I do remember someone telling me five years ago that it’ll be the last ever story released in the range. I heard it was because someone who works for the DVD company knows someone who rates this story as their favourite, and a decision was taken to release it at the end just to spite him.

Sue: That would be funny if the picture wasn’t so dark.

The Doctor pockets the signalling device and he draws the Skarasen away from his friends. Unfortunately, the Doctor’s vehicle breaks down before he can get very far.

Sue: A Land Rover would never do that. No, I do not believe this. That Land Rover wouldn’t just develop a technical problem like that; Benton must have forgotten to fill it up. He should have topped up a jerry can in case of an emergency. This is getting silly now, the Doctor actually believes that a Land Rover has broken down.

Me: You accept the Loch Ness Monster but you have trouble when it comes to a Land Rover breaking down.

Sue: For no clear reason. There are limits, you know. And what do you mean – the Loch Ness Monster? Are you taking the piss?

Me: I’m deadly serious. In fact, the novelisation is called Doctor Who and the Loch Ness Monster.

I have to pause the tape and get the paperback down from my shelf before she will put the cushion away.

Sue: It’s a bit daft this, isn’t it? And since when did Nessie go traipsing around the moors? It stays in the water. Everyone knows that.

Me: I remember watching this story at school once. I must have been eight or nine at the time. It was either the whole story or bits of it were included in one of those programmes for Schools and Colleges.

Sue: What on Earth were they trying to teach you during that class?

The Doctor tries to outrun the beast…

Sue: I wish we didn’t have to see the monster. Just hearing it is enough. This is Camfield’s lowest point, but then again, what could he possibly do differently? What a shame.

When I remind her that the Skarasen is a cyborg and the Zygons have been hanging around Scotland for centuries, everything suddenly falls into place for her.

Sue: Oh, I see! So the Zygons built this robot Nessie thing (which explains why it moves in a completely unrealistic fashion) and they used it to scare people away from Loch Ness, yes? Right. That actually makes sense. Phew, I was a bit worried there for a second.

Part Three

Sue: Doctor Who should be banned from using dinosaurs.

The Zygons mistakenly believe that the Doctor is dead and so they order the Skarasen to return home.

Sue: So they don’t call it Nessie, then? That’s a bit disappointing.

Back at the Inn, Angus becomes suspicious of the Zygons’ transmitter, which has been hidden in the stag’s head nailed to the wall.

Sue: This guy is always hired to play the token Scot, isn’t he? I’m sure I’ve seen him in loads of things.

Me: Yeah, he’s the Scottish Talfryn Thomas.

And then Sue is given a very rare treat…

Sue: Two Land Rover Defenders in the same shot. It doesn’t get any better than this. If I won the lottery, I’d buy a Defender with the snorkel attachment so I could drive it underwater.

Me: That would be handy. Especially in this story.

The Doctor, Sarah and the Brigadier decide to pay the Duke of Forgill a visit at his castle. The Doctor not only claims that the Loch Ness Monster exists, he explains that it’s been using a subterranean tunnel to commute to the North Sea.

Sue: Is that really possible or are they just making it up? They didn’t have Wikipedia in 1975 so I guess they could say practically anything they liked.

Meanwhile, back at the Inn, Angus is attacked by a Zygon disguised as Sister Lamont. UNIT arrives too late to save him.

Sue: He must have a canny pair of lungs if UNIT heard him in the next postcode.

UNIT track the Zygon to a nearby forest. They shoot to kill.

Sue: They won’t hit it. Never in a month of Sundays.

However, when Sister Lamont emerges with a bullet wound to her arm, Sue is forced to eat her words.

Sue: The bullet must have ricocheted off a tree.

The Zygon nurse then brains a UNIT soldier with a very large rock.

Sue: Homicidal nurses. This is not for kids.

Meanwhile, back at Forgill Castle, the poor quality copy of this story begins to reap some rewards…

Sue: Which castle did they film this in?

Me: It’s the one in Shepherd’s Bush; BBC Television Centre Studio 3, I think they call it.

Sue: Get away!

In the course of Sarah’s investigations, she stumbles across a secret passage hidden in the Duke’s library.

Sue: Sarah has a very visible panty line in this story. God knows what it must look like on a decent copy. Nice jumper, though. Not too keen on the coat.

Inside the Zygons’ ship, Sarah avoids contact with the aliens.

Sue: I like the design of these Zygons. They are quite octopussy. Do they come back again?

Me: There’s a fan film featuring Zygon porn. I could hunt a copy down if you like.

Sue: I’ll pass, thanks.

Sarah rescues Harry and they escape to the castle. But the Zygons capture the Doctor and they prepare their ship for take-off. So UNIT decide to depth charge the suckers.

Sue: Typical UNIT. The Brigadier has been dying to do this all day. He never changes, does he?

The Zygon ship emerges from the Loch and the onlookers are stunned by a noise even more debilitating than bagpipes.

Sue: I’ve just noticed that Ian Levene has a very big mouth…

The Zygon ship takes to the sky.

Sue: What a clunky piece of shit.

Part Four

Sue: The Zygons’ spaceship looks like a depressed elephant.

The Doctor decides to disarm his captors with humour.

Sue: I like it when the Doctor decides to take the piss out of the aliens. There’s a nice mixture of comedy and drama in this story. It strikes just the right balance.

He does this a lot in Terror of the Zygons. The infamous references to “Only six of you” and “Wave a tentacle” result in plenty of laughter from Sue. And, once again, whenever Tom decides to dominate a scene, Sue is hypnotised into silence.

Sue: Why did Broton visit the Doctor in his cell in the first place? He didn’t need anything from him and he gave the Doctor loads of information. It’s a bit lazy, this. Pertwee would have found this stuff out on his own.

Me: Yeah, and it would have taken him six episodes to do it.

Sue: Good point. Actually, this is a brilliant scene.

Back at UNIT HQ, the Brigadier takes a very important phone call.

Sue: That’s interesting. Was that supposed to be Thatcher?

Me: Or Shirley Williams.

Sue: Or Edwina Currie?

Me: If you like.

Sue: So the UNIT stories must be set in the future. I see.

The Zygons’ ship has been spotted in a nearby quarry…

Sue: A quarry. How convenient.

Sue is drawn into the Doctor’s daring escape from the Zygon ship and she’s even impressed by the use of forced perspective to sell its evacuation. And then the ship explodes into a million tiny pieces.

Sue: That was a very impressive explosion. One of the best ones we’ve seen in the series. Douglas should have chucked sand over the faces of the cast, but that wasn’t bad at all.

Our heroes race to the Fourth International Energy Conference in London to stop Broton from turning the Skarasen into a weapon of mass destruction.The Doctor interrupts Broton’s plans and the Zygon tries to massage the Doctor into submission.

Sue: Has the Doctor got an Achilles Neck? That’s the second time someone has tried to shiatsu him to death.

Broton is shot and killed by UNIT (he was standing less than a yard away from them at the time) and the Doctor desperately searches for the Skarasen signalling device.

Sue: It’s like when you have to hunt down your mobile phone by ringing it. We’ve all been there.

The Doctor races up to the terrace to face the Skarasen…

Sue: Oh dear.

The Doctor throws the signalling device into the monster’s face. As the Doctor watches the scene unfold, we hear scores of bystanders screaming off-screen.

Sue: Are you quite sure he’s thrown it down Nessie’s neck and not into a large crowd of people? It sounds like there’s a massacre going on down there.

Nessie swallows the devices and buggers off back to Scotland.

Sue: I bet that made the evening news.

The episode conclude with the Doctor, Sarah, Harry, the Brigadier and the Duke of Forgill returning to Tulloch Moor to retrieve the TARDIS.

Sue: Why have they taken this bloke to see the TARDIS? What’s the point of that?

The Brigadier refuses the Doctor’s offer of a lift back to London, as does Harry.

Sue: I expect they’ll pick Harry up later. I’m guess the Doctor and Sarah will take a short detour first. And why did Harry go all the way back to Scotland if he had no intention of getting back in the TARDIS? That’s a bit pointless.

The TARDIS dematerialises and the Duke tempers his astonishment with a backhanded insult about how tight the Scots can be.

Sue: And a nice bit of casual racism to finish on. Lovely.

The Final Score

Sue: Not bad. It had a lot going for it: the Zygons, the location, the direction, the music, Tom Baker, the Brigadier in a kilt, and the extensive Land Rover collection. But a few things let it down: the monster, the Zygons’ diction, and, most importantly, the plot. Even the Doctor took the piss out of it.

7/10

The experiment continues…

Part One

Sue: Is there anything I should know about this one before we begin?

Me: Only that this story was the first one to be released on video cassette by the BBC.

Sue: Any particular reason?

Me: Well, fans who attended the very first official Doctor Who convention at Longleat in 1983 were asked to suggest which story they’d like to see released first. And this one won.

Sue: So it must be a good one, then.

Me: The video cost £30 quid to buy in 1983; that’s over £100 in today’s money.

Sue: It’s a bloody good job it isn’t 1983 now or our relationship would be in serious trouble.

I press ‘Play’…

Sue: So what are the Cybermen revenging against? Is it revenge for what the Doctor did to them the last time they met? It seems like a long time ago; I can’t remember what happened so I hope it’s not important.

The episode begins with the Doctor, Harry and Sarah floating through space, superimposed over the Nerva Beacon from The Ark in Space.

Sue: Oh, it’s that inflatable beach toy again. At least they got their money’s worth out of it.

Safely back on Nerva, Harry attempts to keep the Time Lord’s Time Ring as a souvenir but it disappears before he can pocket it.

Sue: Poor Harry. He collects antique bracelets, you know.

The Doctor opens a door and a human corpse falls into the room; Sue assumes the dead man must hail from Liverpool if his hair style and tache are anything to go by.

Sue: Is this place cursed or something?

In the corridor are piles of… well, er…

Sue: Is it the Autons? Have the Autons joined forces with the Cybermen?

Me: Er…

Sue: Wait, don’t tell me they’re supposed to be human bodies! Don’t be ridiculous.

I apologise. Like it’s somehow my fault that the director thought he could get away with littering mannequins all over the floor.

Sue: They must have run out of money at this point. Either that or the Cybermen can turn people into shop window dummies.

When we finally meet Nerva’s surviving crew members, Sue is drawn to William Marlowe as Lester. She vaguely recognises him from The Mind of Evil, or The One in the Prison, if you happen to be Sue, but his pockmarked face reminds her of someone else entirely.

Sue: All I know is he looks like Mark Hamill does today.

Sue also recognises the Cybermats.

Sue: I like the Cybermats. Cybermats are cool. The cats would love a Cybermat to play with. The doors are very impressive in this story, too – they are swishing together very fast, which makes for a nice change.

Meanwhile, on the planet Voga, two aliens are discussing the threat posed by Cybermen.

Me: I love the way the Cybermen are just dropped casually into the conversation like that. There’s no attempt at all to hold them back as a surprise.

Sue: Er, the clue is in the title, Neil.

When the Vogan named Magrik refers to his companion as Vorus, Sue completely mishears him.

Sue: Did he just say “your arse”? I’m sure he just mentioned his arse… Then again, it’s very hard to hear anything behind that stupid plastic mask. I’m not impressed with this lot, I have to say.

Meanwhile, back on the Nerva one of its crew, a man named Warner, is attacked by a Cybermat.

Sue: Bloody hell! It’s the size of a snake! They’d make wonderful draft excluders.

With Warner dying on the floor, the Beacon’s exographer, Professor Kellman enters the room with a satisfied smirk. He removes a tape that recorded contact with the planet Voga.

Sue: Isn’t it amazing that in the future tape will make a sound when you touch it even when it’s not touching the playback head. Incredible.

Me: There are threads on Gallifrey Base for people like you.

The Doctor and his companions make their way to Nerva’s forward compartment. It looks exactly like its rear compartment.

Sue: They are taking the recycling of sets to ludicrous extremes now…

Meanwhile, Kellman is in his quarters, playing with heavily concealed technology.

Sue: He’s watching old episodes on Doctor Who on his iPhone Netflix app. And he isn’t half keeping his hand steady while he does it.

Me: That’s because -

Sue: Yes, I’m not stupid, you know.

The Doctor describes the Cybermen as “total machine creatures”.

Sue: No they aren’t.

That made me smile.

Sue: And where the hell are they, anyway?

The Doctor and Commander Stevenson debate current events in this part of the galaxy while Warner dies from the Cybermat’s deadly bite. The Doctor only wishes that he could have reached the poor man sooner.

Sue: The Doctor should have spent less time chatting about the episode’s back story and he should have spent more time looking for a bloody cure.

It’s around this point that Sue starts to rebel against the story’s incidental (or is it accidental?) music.

Sue: This isn’t Dudley. This is dreadful.

And talking of dreadful music, when the Doctor describes Voga as the planet of gold, Sue just can’t help herself:

Sue: Gold! Always believe in your soul! La-la-la-la-la-la. You’re indestructible! La-la-la-la-la – Gold!

The episode concludes with Sarah attacked by a Cybermat.

Sue: Not bad. I’ve seen worse.

I’m trying to stifle my giggles; this scene looks atrocious! But no one cares about what I think, so I’ll shut up.

Sue: I’m enjoying this. It’s just the music that’s letting it down.

Part Two

Sue: I had a shirt just like Sarah Jane; it’s a Ben Sherman, I think. She suits the combat look.

It’s always nice to see Sue getting her priorities right as Sarah lies dying on the floor.

Meanwhile, Kellman is back in his pad, up to no good as usual.

Sue: I bet if you made an iPhone case disguised as a silver hairbrush, Doctor Who fans would buy it. The BBC are missing a trick.

The Doctor orders Harry to take Sarah to the surface of Voga via the transmat beam, as this will cure her. If only he could have thought of that before Warner expired.

Sue: I really like this location. It would make a good base for a Bond villain.

Me: It’s Wookey Hole. It’s right next door to Stumphole Cavern.

Back on Nerva, Lester decides to take Kellman from behind.

Sue: Blimey, he’s strong, isn’t he? Look, he’s actually twisting the nozzle of his gun out of shape.

The Doctor explains that the Cybermen are susceptible to only one thing – gold.

Sue: Since when? It’s the first I’ve heard of it. And how can gold suffocate you? Do you have to ram a bullion bar down its gob? And speaking of Cybermen – where the hell are they?

Right on cue, a strange spaceship appears.

Sue: It looks like a fat, happy seal.

Just thank God this is the only seal that Sue mentions in this story.

And then – finally! – we get to see the occupants of the ship.

Sue: Why has that Cyberman got black handles on his head?

Me: He’s in charge.

Sue: Really? He looks unfinished.

The Doctor threatens Kellman with a Cybermat unless he tells him what’s going on.

Sue: The Doctor has gone all Jack Bauer on his ass. And is that a sound effect or is that supposed to be music? It’s never a good sign when I have to ask that.

When Kevin Stoney turns up as an elderly Vogan named Tyrum, Sue doesn’t recognise him.

I know! I can’t believe it either. So I tell her.

Sue: Packerrrrrr. Why on earth would they bury an actor as good as him in all that plastic crap?

As the Vogans continue to bicker among themselves, Sue begins to lose patience.

Sue: I can’t keep up with who is who and who wants what and why and when and where and how. I just don’t give a shit. I hope the Cybermen turn up soon.

And then, completely out of the blue, Sue is actually impressed by something. It occurs when Sarah Jane runs from a hail of Vogan bullets and they ricochet off the walls around her. It does look spectacular.

Sue: It’s all over the place, this one.

Back on Nerva, the Doctor and company watch nervously as the mysterious spaceship continues to approach the Beacon. Who could it possibly be?

Sue: It’s the ****ing Cybermen, you idiots! You’ve been chatting about them endlessly for hours and you are surrounded by Cybermats. Who the **** do you think it is? The ****ing Master?

The ship docks and the Doctor rushes off to the airlock shouting the word on everyone’s lips: “Cybermen!”

Sue: They are laying the marimbas on a bit thick; it must be serious.

The Cybermen emerge from the airlock and they appear to kill everyone, including the Doctor.

Sue: Good cliffhanger. Terrible episode.

Part Three

Sue: They really should be playing accordion music right now.

Me: That’s very cruel.

The Cyberleader immediately takes control of the Beacon. And he isn’t in a good mood.

Sue: He sounds very angry for a Cyberman. They usually sound very monotone and unfeeling. This is a bit of a departure but I think I prefer it.

Me: What? Are you insane?

Sue: I can understand what he’s saying!

Me: I give up.

Sue: I admit that they aren’t as scary but at least he makes sense. Nice arse, too.

Me: Now I really give up.

The Cybermen tie bombs to the Doctor, Lester and Stevenson; they will take them to the center of Voga and crack the planet in half.

Sue: So they are suicide bombers?

Me: Only if suicide entails being blown up by somebody else and you don’t want to die, yes.

Meanwhile, on Voga, the planet of gold…

Sue: I couldn’t give a shit about these Vogans. I tune out every time they appear. I don’t know who’s who, which ones are good, which ones are bad and what the hell they are trying to achieve. And I don’t really care either. And considering that this planet is supposed to be made of gold, it’s a bit of a shit hole, isn’t it? It should look like Lady Ga Ga’s apartment.

The Doctor accuses the Cybermen of being a pathetic bunch of tin soldiers skulking about the galaxy in an ancient spaceship.

Sue: Even the Doctor thinks they’re crap.

We are told that the Cybermen were defeated by something called a glitter gun…

Sue: That’s very glam.

The Cybermen are unimpressed by the Doctor’s bluster and he is sent to Voga with a bomb strapped to his back. Lester and Stevenson follow and they are escorted by two Cybermen.

Sue: When the Cybermen are in dark caves and they don’t say anything, they are pretty good. But shouldn’t these Cybermen be dead already? They don’t like gold because it kills them, and yet here they are, standing in the middle of a planet made of the stuff. This should be like Superman visiting a planet made of Kryptonite. Why haven’t they keeled over yet?

Meanwhile, Harry, Sarah, and what we think are some friendly Vogans, are pinned down by some not-so-nice Vogans.

Sue: They couldn’t hit them and they were standing less than TWO FEET AWAY! Good grief!

Kellman admits that he is a double agent who is really working for the Vogans.

Sue: I don’t get it. If he wanted to work against the Cybermen, why did he try to kill the Doctor?

Me: Maybe he’s a good bad guy. Or a bad good guy. I don’t know! Maybe he just hates everyone.

Suddenly, another Cyberman decides to pipe up.

Sue: Now this guy is playing the part with no emotions. Which just makes the Cyberleader stick out like a sore thumb. Someone hasn’t read a memo.

As the Doctor, Lester and Stevenson make their way through Voga’s cave system, the commander is forced to apologise: “I’m sorry, Doctor, I’m a bit wet”.

Sue: He’s not that scared, is he?

When I was writing this up, it dawned on me that what he really said was “I’m a bit whacked”, but it sure sounded like “wet” at the time.

What they don’t realise is that Harry and Kellman are very close. But when they accidentally set off a huge rockfall, it lands on top of the Doctor. Sue can’t believe that it wouldn’t have set the Doctor’s bomb off, but when Harry arrives to find Kellman dead and the Doctor unconscious, he tries to remove the bomb from his friend’s back – but if he succeeds it will go off in his face.

Sue: Another good cliffhanger. That’s about the best thing I can say about this.

Part Four

“Harry Sullivan is an imbecile!”

Sue: You know, I could imagine Matt Smith saying that to Rory Pond.

Me: Only if he got Rory’s name wrong.

Sue: You know what I mean; that jokey shouty thing he does sometimes.

Poor Harry can’t remember what the Cybermen are called.

Sue: Harry’s just like me; I can’t keep up with this story either.

Harry and the Doctor arm themselves with fistfuls of gold and it’s at this point that we are joined by Nicol, who is waiting for us to finish so we can watch The Apprentice.

Nicol: It’s The Crystal Maze. It even sounds like The Crystal Maze. But don’t put that in the blog; I think I mentioned The Crystal Maze once before and everyone will think I’m obsessed with it.

Sue: I don’t remember you mentioning it before.

Nicol: Oh, if I did then I’m sure Neil’s readers will remember it; it’s just a hunch I have.

Sue: Do you know what annoys me the most about this episode?

Me: Go on.

Sue: Video – Film – Video – Film – Video – Film – Video – make your bloody mind up! It keeps jumping around every couple of minutes and it stops the whole thing from flowing together.

The Doctor and Harry decide to ambush the Cybermen by jumping on them with fistfuls of gold dust. As they fight, Lester looks down on the scene dispassionately.

Sue: He’s showing less emotion than the Cybermen!

But he was steeling himself to be the suicide bomber that Sue always suspected him to be.

Sue: Oh, fair enough. That was brave. Hang on a minute, the Cybermen intend to blow up an entire planet with three bombs but when that one went off it barely took out a couple of Cybermen. I’m not convinced.

The Doctor arrives at the Vogans’ HQ and when he learns that they are about to blow Nerva out of the sky with a rocket, he asks for 15 minutes so he can rescue his friend, Sarah Jane.

Sue: 15 minutes won’t kill you.

Nicol: Oh, I don’t know, I’m struggling a bit.

The Cybermen decide to revert to Plan B, which involves sending Nerva careering into Voga itself.

Sue: Plan B should have been Plan A – it’s a much better plan. I bet Plan C is a belter.

The militant branch of the Vogans launch their Sky Striker rocket and it looks a lot like Apollo Saturn V rocket, a fact not lost on Nicol, who is currently laughing her head off.

The Cyberleader is so angry, he decides to give the Doctor a very vigorous neck massage.

Sue: Down a bit. Left a bit. Yes, that’s it. Just there.

I ask Sue what she makes of the Cyberleader’s habit of strutting around with his hands on his hips.

Sue: Either he’s suffering from back ache or he thinks he’s it.

The Cybermen depart from Nerva, leaving the Doctor and Sarah to face “the biggest bang in history”. Nicol is far from convinced.

Nicol: Really? Are you absolutely sure about that?

The departing Cybermen are destroyed by the Vogan’s Sky Striker.

Sue: Idiots.

The Doctor wrestles with the controls of Nerva, which is now on a collision course with Voga.

Sue: It’s a wood-turning lathe with some shit smeared all over it. I can see what they are trying to do but it looks stupid.

Nicol is laughing too much to get any words out.

The Doctor manages to steer the space station to safety – Nicol tries to interject but I shush her – and then the Doctor’s TARDIS turns up.

Sue: It’s as if it was hanging around waiting for this bloody story to end.

The Brigadier has called the Doctor back to Earth…

Sue: Is he going back to work for UNIT?

Me: It certainly looks that way.

Sue: Thank **** for that.

The Final Score

Sue: What a load of old rubbish. It started well but it rapidly went downhill. The Cybermen were rubbish, the aliens were rubbish, the locations were wasted, the direction was terrible and the plot was impossible to follow. Tom Baker had some nice moments but that was a mess.

3/10

Me: Well, that was the end of Tom Baker’s first season.

Sue: Really? Wow. It flew by. It wasn’t a great story to finish a season on, though. I hope there are some decent stories along soon.

The experiment continues…

Wife in Space Extra

Sue can’t escape from Doctor Who these days. Even at her place of work. Take the work-in-progress video below, which was made by some university students Sue recently supervised. It includes a voiceover from Glen Allen, appearances from Rob Shearman and my good friends Rob Ritchie and John Paul ‘Rise of the Cybermen‘ Green, as well as a blink and you’ll definitely miss her cameo from the Wife in Space (can you spot her?). Even my bookshelves get a look-in. Enjoy!

If you don’t own this story, why not buy it on DVD? If you use the link below, we get a small cut, which will help pay for the site’s running costs. Many thanks for your support (UK residents only).

Doctor Who – The Cybermen Box Set [DVD] [1975]

Price: £14.39