C:\\BW:> TheWindowKeeper.exe

Non-Linear Path: Sequelitis

2012-02-10T02:46:00.006-05:00

I know that was going to talk about bad games from hell, but I decided to do something different, while still talking about Call of Juarez: The Cartel and Saw II: Flesh and Blood. I'm sure that I'm going to be stirring up a hornet's nest with this topic figuring that some of the games I'm going to mention are getting good reviews, and honestly, I don't know why. For simplicity, let's start with the worst offender.

Call of Juarez was never an overwhelmingly popular game like Halo, but it was well received, spawning a sequel that explored the past of Reverend Ray. The theme of the Wild West was surprisingly unexplored for the first person genre, with a few exceptions which I may touch upon in a later article. Ray was well written character, one who was an outlaw set on a path to redemption through faith in God, to eventually being drawn back into killing for justice. I love that clip. While all of the characters are criminals you couldn't help but like them, even a little bit.

Then, The Cartel came, and ruined all of our fun. For starters, they ditched the western theme, and made a modern times shooter. You played as one of three cops, all of them not only dirty, but without any redeeming qualities. They also made it co-op first, single player second. This is an issue when you consider this: games created for single player primarily generally suffer from lackluster campaigns once multiplayer is added. Take a look Bioshock 2, a game that made multiplayer-centric, and changed the feeling of the game series by taking away all that was intriguing from the first game making the sequel nothing but a standard shooter, complete with boss battles.

The Cartel had a separate issue. We'll call it the "Dark as Cow's Guts" issue. The subtitles for the game suggest that it was written to be a Western, but was changed to keep up with other shooters, i.e. Call of Duty. This cost The Cartel more than just the series identity, it cost it the series' fan base. People saw just another modern shooter, and, let's face it, a terrible one at that. The rush showed everywhere from writing to AI to graphics. I really wish I had a picture of the rock that only had three textured sides to it. The game was loaded with glitches, as well.

Another issue I've seen is games that are attempts to improve on the last by trying something new. This isn't a bad thing, normally, but in one case, it killed the series. Yes, I'm talking about Saw II: Flesh and Blood. Zombie Studios attempted to fix the laggy combat controls by making combat a minigame. The issue with this is that the minigame's controls were unresponsive as well, namely due to a separate issue involved in programming. Needless to say, the fix didn't work, and served to draw the player away from the game.

There were also several issues with planning, including a puzzle that was supposed to have its solution located in a different room, but it wasn't. Again, the game was rushed to meet a deadline, namely to hit around the same time as the last movie. While that doesn't help matters, sometimes, it just isn't an excuse. They could've actually examined the combat system from the first game, and fixed it while keeping a combat system. This would've been easier than programming a completely different segment all together.

Despite these games, I have one that disappoints more than either of them. Save the flames for when I'm done, because I'm giving this game credit for improving its combat. Unfortunately, the rest of it isn't that good.

The Darkness II does a few things very wrong in comparison to the first game. I had a difficult time pinning down what exactly rubbed me the wrong way the most. Was it the fact that the free roaming and side missions were taken out of the game? They weren't that important to the first game in the first place, but you were rewarded by collectables and funny phone calls. Not to mention that you felt both like a mafia hitman and a good guy, instead of just being a killer.

Was it the controls that moved slowly when you tried to aim quickly? Sure it hurts the game, but does it hurt it enough to make it worth selling back less than a week later? How about the short single player campaign (I beat it in five hours), meant to make room for the multiplayer, which is only a hair more enjoyable than the actual game? Or the enemies with cheap tactics blinding you, stealing your weapons, and then moving just as you hit the trigger?

It hit me in the last hour of the game what left that bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't just all of the above, it was the story. The first game set itself away from the comic by making a more down to earth story, without supernatural enemies. You were the monster, but you had a heart. You were what people were afraid of, but there was a reason. You wanted them to fear you, especially after what the bad guys did. By the end, you're in control of the mob, and no one knows how other than you killed your uncle.

Somehow, though, your powers are no longer a secret. The mob knows you have them, and even comments about them. To make matters worse, a cult with your powers is trying to kill you. You have to rebuild your powers from scratch, no less, meaning you're vastly weaker than your enemies. This is an absolute contrast to the purpose of the Darkness. You're overwhelmed until the last hour of the game, changing what the meaning was.

The Darkness was about power corrupting and how to overcome it. Jackie was able to overcome the corruption and control it, while still being powerful. Yes, he had the Angelus trying to kill him, but she suffered much of the same issues. Jackie had to use his abilities to keep from being overthrown, and defend himself. Very few people lived if he was attacked, and even fewer if his friends were. But, most of all, he kept his technique secret.

All of a sudden, in the game, you're weaker than your enemies, and the world know about the Darkness. What's more is that more people than you have it, which doesn't make sense. Even in the first game, they mention only one person can have the Darkness at one time. Why does this cult have the powers, if I'm the host? I understand the need for balance, but the lack of it makes the game nearly unapproachable, even to watch it, if you know the source or played the first game.

This is a big issue with sequels. Often times, no one is aware of what the story is supposed to lead up to, its themes, or even its characters. Even good sequels have this issue. Silent Hill is a good example. After the development went from Japan to America, the psychological themes were less focused on than the combat. This could be a cultural change, as well as a change between an individual's vision of the series. It doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other, normally. This changes when the game is based on something that is established, it may be a different story.

That's all the time I have right now. Stay tuned for next time when I talk about Guilty Pleasures in gaming.

Non-Linear Path: Good Games Gone Bad

2012-02-04T23:39:00.004-05:00

I've attempted to write humorously about bad games, even its difficult. Allow me to talk seriously here in the edition of a new series of articles. Granted, these won't just be about bad games, but, this one will be. And they're not just any bad games, either, but games that either had a clever premise, or games that could have been good, only to fall flat. We're not talking about games like Painkiller Overdose, which are terrible, but sequels. These have to be the first in their series, even if they may be complete ripoffs of other games.

We'll start off there, as a matter of fact, with Mindware's Dreamkiller. Many of you have guessed that it'll be the special finale to the Brain Junkfood Painkiller Blow-Out. Many of you may have guessed that it's a rip-off of Painkiller. Same mechanics, same weapons (designed differently), even some of the same monsters. But it isn't that that makes it a bad game. No, Dreamkiller is a mess to begin with due to bad writing, bad level design, and, well, an overwhelming lackluster presentation. Instead of embracing the theme of being in dreams, they designed levels that loosely fit a phobia, designed a few enemies, and tossed them into the game. You'll fight the same spiders in the arachnophobe's dream as in the dream of the guy afraid of work. Yes, you fight guys in suits with robot arms, but they are in smaller numbers than the spiders.

At the same time, there are hints that Mindware can come up with clever ideas. In the mental asylum, you start the level on Scrabble pieces, then travel through the halls, with eyes hidden in the walls that seem to follow you. Children are drawn hugging dogs, threatening to stab them, or being eaten by anthropomorphic cats. It's creepy, even if it is bright and hygienic looking. In fact, that adds to the creepiness, as you'd expect it to look like every other horror game, being grimy and bloody. Then, it's ruined by your character's "witty" remarks. After fighting several hundred monsters, you should all ready know something is wrong. You shouldn't have just figured it out. The argument can be made that she didn't need any taunts, but the developers were going for a Serious Sam style game, and they did have taunts.

The case can be made that the unoriginality of Dreamkiller, literally stealing Painkiller's core, leads to its downfall. It had an original idea of the subconscious. Certain enemies can only be killed by taking yourself deeper into the dreamer's dream. If you stay in the deep subconscious too long, you'll get hurt. This is made into a broken mechanic when entire battles require you to stay in the subconscious for an extended period of time, often killing you in the process. This renders the big difference of the game nothing more than a deterrent from playing the game.

Then we come to Konami's newest published game, NeverDead. Where do I start with this? The stand-out mechanic is that you can't die, but you can be dismembered. You can do this to yourself to solve puzzles. Most of the time, though, you'll be knocked down, rolling as a head, to find your body, then your limbs, hopefully in time to save your AI partner who is able to die. The clunky controls don't aid you, nor does the fact that your head can be eaten, ending the game. The premise was interesting to say the most, and different to say the least. There was potential in the idea. So, what happened?

The developers seem (I may be wrong) to have had too many ideas at once. Your character gets hit by trains, digested in a boss, and tumbled around, among other things, all of which dismember you. They took advantage of the concept, but took it too far, especially by making your character too fragile. This handicaps your movement, often times, making you too slow to get back to your body before your partner dies. You can regenerate over time, but you can only regenerate on part at a time. You can also find vials that allow you to regenerate completely, but in the midst of fighting, your head may get eaten in the process.

Imagine playing this game without the immortality aspect. You wouldn't be able to beat it, at least not for a long time. Chances are, after the tenth time of having your head knocked off after just regenerating, you won't care enough about it to stay in the game. This is only made even worse by the bad writing. The characters are unlikable, and try too hard to be funny. Like finding out that souls taste like chicken, you'll hear Bryce complaining about rolling ruining his hair no more than every ten seconds.

Taste is subjective of course. Someone may like NeverDead and Dreamkiller. Just because a game is bad, doesn't mean that there aren't good ideas, or that the developers didn't have their intentions well placed. That's our subject for next time when we talk about Bad Games From Hell. Believe me, The Cartel, and Saw II Flesh and Blood are on that. See you next time!

Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part Two: Battle Out Of Hell & Overdose

2012-01-29T00:34:00.004-05:00

You know, sometimes I really don't know what I'm getting myself into with these articles. I mean, sure, I knew that I was going to kill clowns in an amusement park, but, how was I supposed to know that the plot of Painkiller would change completely.

Yes, in Battle Out of Hell, you fight clowns. And orphans. And children in burlap sacks. I know this may not make sense to you now, but...

Oh, fuck it, I still can't make sense of it. The point is, in Battle Out of Hell, you kill shit. A lot of shit. Shit that looks like clowns, shit that looks like Russian Soldiers, and shit that looks like an armored demon. A lot of shit. But, it's not the list of enemies that makes no sense. No, something makes fighting anthropomorphic popcorn demons seem sane.

What is that, you may ask? Well, reader, it's simple. It's the dumbest plot twist ever written: The person helping you is trying to take over Hell. Yes, Eve, as in Garden of Eden Eve, helps you kill the devil, then, kill Alastor, who steals the devil's power, so she can become the devil. This makes less sense when you consider why she does this. There are three reasons:

1: God chose her destiny, so she had no choice to bite the apple, thus creating sin on the world. Therefore, she wants revenge on Heaven, by destroying it.
2: Samael trusts Eve, and he's a servant of God. Despite this, Eve hates both angels and demons, because they both made her sin.
3: She's convinced that Daniel (who looks even more like Butthead) loves her, despite him killing the devil so he can be at his wife's side. I'll excuse this, mainly because he does go to save Eve.

But, the first two? She sinned because she couldn't help it? Really? According to her logic, we're all destined to not have free will. I've heard this before, and it still sounds as insane as Scientology's beliefs. This would mean that we had no choice in anything in our lives, thus all evil would be destined to exist. No one would have a choice. We'll be so much a fictional universe as this game. How would you feel if at any given moment, you felt you could stop reading this article, but I told you that you had to read on? Guess what? You have to read on!

If you're actually still here, then I should probably tell you that this ends exactly like the first game, Daniel fighting legions of demons. If you're wondering why I'm not talking anymore about Battle Out of Hell, let this be your answer: Painkiller: Overdose. Yes, I actually played through this game, and let me tell you, the title was apt. I actually think the only thing that can cure the headache that game gave me is a painkiller overdose.

I never knew I could hate a game more than Call of Juarez: The Cartel. And it's not just because it's bad. It's because Overdose had the potential to be a good game. It just falls flat because of quite a few aspects, the first being that it's just Painkiller with more linear levels. I'm hard pressed to think of more than two levels where you don't walk in a straight line, kill everything, then walk in a straight line. Can you see how annoying that would get? The levels where it isn't a straight line are the good levels, too. Those are the Slaughterhouse and the Movie Studio.

Those of you who played the game, yes, I'm skipping the Amusement Park as an example of a good level. Mainly because it's the same level as the Amusement Park in Battle Out of Hell, only with a pirate ship in the end instead of a roller coaster ride. Seriously, that's the only difference. Did I mention that the guys who made the original didn't make this one? Yeah, Mindware made this game, and they sure as fuck don't know what the hell they're doing game design wise.

I say that in specific because the character design isn't bad. Of the characters not used in the original game, I fought cops, graffiti artists, geisha girls, burning demons, Cerebus, butchers with cow's heads, movie cut outs (that spawn from film strips), and lighting guys. Oh, and... Frankenstein? What the fuck am I fighting Frankenstein for? Did he steal my Girl Scout Cookies? Figuring that this time around, you're playing as Belial, the half-demon/half-angel child of HATE (which he reminds you of every chance he gets), that may be possible.

Let's talk about Belial. He's a terrible character thanks to the creative teams lacking of creativity. Here's Belial's top ten one liners.

10: Kiss my shiny half demon butt.
9: Kiss my half angel ass
8: Another one bites the dust
7: Taste like chicken
6: I'm a regular Johnny Appleseed
5: ?
4:?
3:?
2:?
1:?

He only has five taunts. He says the same five things over and over until you want to shove your head into a wall. What's more is "I'm a regular Johnny Appleseed," is said when he kills someone. How the fuck does that make sense? Did Johnny Appleseed run around with a shotgun and kill 66 people so he could turn into a demon? Where was this in history class? No, in fact, he was a missionary. Which makes this make even less sense. Was Sylvester Stallone copyrighted? How about "I'm a regular Chuck Norris?"

Even the decorations can be creepy. In the slaughterhouse, phrases like "I'll join PETA, I promise!" and "I'm sorry! I'll never eat meat again!" are scrawled in blood on the walls. The enemies can range here from butchers to pig carcasses made into scarecrows with human heads placed upside down. Also, there are henhouses that spit out demon chickens. What's with the games I'm playing lately and demon chickens?

The story of the game is boring to say the least. Belial is half demon and half angel. Both sides hate him, so Samael locks him away after Cerebus eats his wings. Now, he's free and he wants to kill Samael, presumably by taunting him to death. After he beats Samael, he goes to find Daniel, setting up for the sequel.

The journey, though is puzzling. Did you know that there are aliens in hell? How about Cthulhu demons? Why exactly am I fighting everyone in a riot? Why are cops shooting at graffiti artists? Why does Belial keep telling me that souls taste like chicken?

Most importantly, why does this game exist? I know this is ranting at this point, but quite literally, this game has nothing to do with anything previously seen in the series. I know it was originally a mod, but why did Dreamcatcher feel the need to make this an expansion? They had to have played the thing, and had to have seen that it sucked more than a Clinton Intern and the porn industry combined. I mean, for fuck's sake, 99.9% of the game is going in a line. There's no level design, period. Even when the game has an idea that is somewhat clever, it's ruined by the fact that it's in this game. The game's presence is enough to ruin the few good ideas it has.

Oh, the weapons, too, while I'm ranting. They're "new and improved." They're reskins of the original game's weapons. Instead of a stakegun, you get a... goo launcher? How the fuck does goo become a steak? How does one suck a fuck? How DOES THIS GAME

Sorry. I needed to take my happy pills. Now, you can see why this game makes me want to have an aneurysm. It's the most painful game I've ever had to play, because it ruins the series. But, we have more to come. Stay tuned as I show you what unoriginal fucks Mindware is as they ripoff the game they expanded. Oh yeah, my nightmare's just begun.

First Impressions: The Darkness II

2012-01-26T09:36:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I played a demo for a game set to come out, mainly because I haven't found a demo that I felt was worth reviewing (aside from Rayman Origins, but that's because you would have already known weather you liked it or not). As a fan of the first game, I decided to give The Darkness II a shot. And, I have to go on the record saying this: I'm pretty disappointed.

That's not to say I hated it, far from it. The game play is fun, and using the titular Darkness is addictive and satisfying. One tendril aids in executions, eats hearts, and destroys doors, while the other slashes and maims everything, which creates a variety of ways, especially when combined with your guns, to kill your enemies. You also have a selection of executions you can do, including ripping people in half (which is incredibly, if not, disturbingly detailed). These are fun to do, but there's a big issue I have with them. Every time you do one, words pop on the center of the screen, as well as a score counter, making it seem like an arcade shooter.

The whole game, in fact, has that aesthetic. The levels are linear, doing away with the semi-free roaming aspect the first game had, as well as side missions. You get experience to build up your powers in a more RPG style leveling for abilities. I never knew that the Darkness had the power of "Carrying More Ammo," but that's a minor rant. This works for this game, due to the fact that Jackie still has his ability to use the Darkness, but he hasn't used it in so long that he may be able to reroute the ability. In the first, he just had his basic abilities because he was learning them, which makes sense. Luckily, you have the demon arm from the beginning.

The problem I have with the other power aspect is the Darkling. You have one, and he acts like a drunk groupie for a punk band. He isn't even voice by Richard Horvitz, and is intelligent, not a follower of instincts. I know that it's a character issue, not game, but consider this: the first game is story and character driven. This one is character driven still, thus still story driven (the character is the story), yet, they altered aspects of the character within the character to make it completely different than what was established. It's like watching a movie about a killer with MPD, finding out who the killer personality was, then finding out in the sequel that the killer personality was actually Rabbit the mute boy. Figuring that the Darkling even mentions that he came from Jackie's head, this does apply.

I also have issues with the controls for the arms. R2 is used to attack with the right tendril. R2 would feel more natural as the gun attack, both because it feels like a trigger, and because it's lower on the controller. The way its mapped feels very clunky. I'm hoping you have an option to remap these controls.

But, the game is fun. It's also well acted (sorry Kirk Acevedo, you never sounded 21-23). It looks beautiful, too. It looks like an old comic book, which works for it. Stay tuned for more when The Darkness II comes out in two weeks.

More Brain Junkfood Updates sigh

2012-01-21T03:21:00.002-05:00

Well, another change to Brain Junkfood, this time with "What's So Bad About This." I started playing Left 4 Dead on the PC, and, much to my surprise, I started enjoying it. Last time I had played it, it was a steaming pile a crap (on console, mind you). So, I'm taking a left turn with it, and talking about a game I like that no one else did, for one edition. I haven't decided which one yet, but I narrowed it down to these:

Jericho
Spider-Man: Edge of Time
Silent Hill: Homecoming
Condemned 2: Bloodshot

I'll let you know when I do it which one it'll be. Keep in mind that I have a lot of school work (which is hammering me hard), and I'm playing about five different games for different articles, so I may not be updating on a timely schedule.

Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part One: Painkiller

2012-01-13T21:11:00.002-05:00

Usually, when I do these articles, I find a picture that only has little to do with the game I'm writing it on. Believe it or not, this has very little to do with Painkiller. For starters, you never carry a Mauser rifle, not ammo belts. You also never wear a halo, much less rip one off of your head like your Arnold Schwarzeneggar. There's also the fact that your character, Daniel Garner, looks closer to Butt Head than an action star. Finally, there's the fact that you always wear a shirt.

The first question I may get is, "Why is Painkiller a 'Brain Junkfood?' It's not weird!" Well, you're partly right, it isn't weird in the traditional sense. What makes it weird is the fact that the game serves as a diving board for expansion after expansion. I'm only going to cover two of those expansions, which are not the fan made ones. Yes, there are fan made expansions, and they're utter crap. But, I digress.

We should start here, because, well, the expansions won't make sense if we don't. You play as Daniel, a man who died in a car accident, but went to Purgatory while his wife went to Heaven. Samael approaches you, saying God wants you to kill the Devil's four Generals. I've always had a problem with Samael doing this, mainly because being a messenger was never his role. He has been the Angel of Death, a guardian angel of Esau, Patron of the Roman Empire, and even in league with the Devil, depending on what lore you go by. Hell, his name means "Drug of God," and he is married to Lillith in Kabbalah, but not after mating with the Angels of the Sacred Prostitution. And yet, he's just a messenger here? What, was Gabriel busy? I know Michael is the patron Saint of soldiers, as well as the head of the Angelic Army, but I'm pretty sure he'd be better at doing this than Samael.

Anyway, you go and set off to kill the four giant bosses. The first is a giant in a graveyard, but he's fought four levels after you had left the graveyard. The map Samael gave you is apparently the same on Bugs Bunny uses that tells him to make those wrong turns in Alburquerque. After killing the NecroGiant, you meet Eve. Yes, that Eve. She helps you find the next boss, Swamp Thing the Toad-Man. I feel like I mashed two superheroes into one giant boss.

If you haven't noticed, Daniel can't read his map. I can relate, because I don't understand how a board with a spinning wheel of drawings is a map. Yet, Eve and Samael read it perfectly fine. This happens in every cut scene in the game. When Daniel kills Swamp Toad, Eve and Osmodeus (yes, a demon) read Daniel's map for him. It's not that he's illiterate, the map is actually a child's toy. More proof that Samael was just fucking with Daniel's head.

Osmodeus leads Daniel to Alastor, the Devil's right hand man. After a long battle, Osmodeus shows that he is, in fact, the devil, and kidnaps Eve. Samael tells Daniel that his work is done, but Daniel wants to go to hell to save Eve. Hesitant, Samael points the way, and Daniel fights through hordes of monsters to Hell, an eternal Battlefield, to fight the Devil. After the devil dies, Alastor comes up to show that he wanted Daniel to kill the devil all along, and that he will torment Daniel as Hell takes over Heaven. Too bad this is the exact same thing the devil said when you killed Alastor.

What sets Painkiller apart is the weapons. Sure, you have a minigun/rocket launcher and a shotgun/freeze ray. But, a Stake Gun? A Lightning Cannon that shoots Throwing Stars? A flamethrower/assault rifle? All to take out ninjas in opera houses and puking sailors. Oh, and amputees, as well.

There is a massive problem with the game, though. It's nearly impossible to beat. It's not because it's hard (and it is hard). There's a bug in the second to last level that if you don't hit all of the check points in order, you cannot finish it. And the checkpoints randomly disappear before you get to them, too.

Despite this, Painkiller is one of my favorite shooters. There was a console port, but it's only 10 of the 50 levels in the game. They cut out a lot of the content that made the game as addictive as it is. And it took me a while to even beat it, mainly because I just now got a computer that can run it well.

I hate to keep this one short, but I'm saving my writing for the ones that need it the most. Believe me, they're coming up real soon. Keep tuned in as I fight my way out of Hell.

Brain Junkfood Updates

2012-01-10T00:40:00.005-05:00

Some good news and bad news about some upcoming Brain Junkfoods.

First, the bad news. I'm delaying You Are Empty until a slightly later time. Part of it is due to the fact that the game is longer than I anticipated, mostly due to how slow the game is. No, it's not my system, the game is really this damn slow.

Instead, I'll head on to the Painkiller Blowout, which was supposed to be the February-March editions. We'll start with PainKiller, Battle Out of Hell, Over Dose, and then a surprise game that utterly blows my mind due to its existence. No, really, I can't figure out why it exists. It is utterly laughable, and a nightmare to play. A funny nightmare, but only because it's that damn bad. At least Painkiller is awesome!

Last but not least, a few people have been asking me why I hated "X" Game. Well, for some upcoming Brain Junkfoods, I will answer those questions in a special called "What's So Bad About This?" Keeping with the Brain Junkfood tradition, they will be bizarre in story, but they also ruin the game those paying attention to what's going on. Those will be:

Dead Space 2
Singularity
Silent Hill 2
Left 4 Dead Series

Keep in mind that this is based on my opinion, and is meant for humor, not to change people's minds. Except for Silent Hill 2. If you actually cannot figure out how that one is dumb, then you need your head examined.

... That was a joke.

Brain Junkfood: House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut

2011-12-31T12:55:00.004-05:00

I would be a discredit to gamers if I didn't talk about games that everyone finds as a guilty pleasure. Without any good or comical male chauvinist influences in games that mock the norm of casual sex (or have attractive looking women... seriously, what the fuck is that thing?), Sega saves the day with not one, but two stereotyped males! One of them is the rookie, by the book agent, and the other is a fowl mouthed, slang spewing cliche, one that makes Samuel L. Jackson seem uncool. Sorry, Mr. Jackson... I didn't mean it. But, as the late, great Billy Mays would say, wait, there's more! We also get to play as two strippers in this version of the game! I'm not just talking about the original game, folks. I'm talking about House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut!

Like all great House of the Dead games, Overkill is a lightgun shooter. You use a special controller, in this case, the Move controller, as a gun, aim, and shoot at the badguys. But, also like all House of the Dead games, they make fun of one of the worst lines in game history: "Suffer Like G, Did?" But, instead of using just the line, Overkill names an entire song after it. And, like the theme, all of the music is based on the Grindhouse style. This makes for some interesting lines, let me tell you.

The plot is that Agent G ('Fraid you'll never know what the "G" stands for) and Detective Isaac Washington are dead set on arresting evil mastermind Papa Cesar for unleashing a mutant outbreak. Cesar is holding Dr. Jasper Guns hostage, but when Cesar threatens Jasper's sister, Jasper injects himself with the serum to turn him from Stephen Hawking to a giant brain with a body. After Jasper is killed, you follow Cesar through such locals as a carnival and a train, aided by Jasper's stripper sister, Varla Guns.

There's a side plot in the PS3 Extended version where you play as Varla, and her friend, Candi Stryper. Candi is also Jasper's girlfriend, and has some of the funniest lines in the game. In one section, Varla insults her, and this dialogue comes up:

Candi: Well, nothing you, Varla Guns!
Varla: What?
Candi: My mother told me if I didn't have anything nice to say, then say nothing. So, nothing you!

Needless to say, when Candi's arm gets cut off, she says nothing. Literally, she says, "Nothing!" over and over. Considering that she's the only other character who isn't crude, it comes off as all the more hilarious. Even when asked how she made a gymnastics move in a leg brace, she replies, "Jasper used to ask me that all the time." Yes, Dr. Hawking is apparently a pimp. Don't boo me, you know its true!

Back to the crude characters, our main villain is a prison warden named Clement Darling, who immediately looks like a zombie. He takes a piss in front of his car, but gets some on his leg. Frustrated, he says this to G and Washington: "Oh shit. I just pissed on my left leg of my pants. Now, if I meet anyone new and interesting, they're going to be inclined to believe that I'm the type of guy who pisses himself. Even though, I'm not the type of guy who pisses himself, they'll think that I am!" Instead of killing him, G and Washington go to the prison, only to find Darling is the bad guy. He switches his mother's brain with Varla's, so that his mother will stay young. He wants a young mother because he wants to have sex with his mother. Damn it, Freud, stop placing your theories in my video games!

After a missing reel of our heroes killing his mother, she turns into a giant monster, and you have to kill her with randomly found miniguns. After she dies, Darling asks to redeem himself... by walking back into her... well... let's just say he's conceived again. Washington blows the place up, while G professes his love for Varla's brain. They then get attacked by a zombie.

While not the weirdest game I've ever played, it is the weirdest light gun I've played since Beast Busters, and that game had pregnant zombies that gave birth when killed. I do miss the '80's light gun games... It isn't for everyone, but it is worth looking at. Especially if you played the original games.

Now, to start the new year right... by ending the Soviet Union! Will I feel a bit Empty after the next Brain Junkfood? Stay tuned...

Upcoming Brain Junkfoods and News

2011-12-30T22:27:00.006-05:00

Some news first. I got a new computer! She's running great, and while she can't run anything too new, she can run some PC games. This opens up my options quite a bit with the Brain Junkfood articles, seeing as there are a lot of weird/bad PC games. Here's an updated list for the coming year.

House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut (Next one, actually)
Urban Chaos
Soldier of Fortune: Payback
Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge
You Are Empty (February)
Yard Sale Hidden Treasures Sunnyville
Painkiller Blowout (Painkiller, Overdose, Battle Out of Hell and a surprise)
Still Life II (I actually can't believe how badly acted it is)

As I hit my stride in writing articles again, I may push more Brain Junkfood articles through the year. What I mean is that they won't be monthly, but possibly bi-weekly. As for the HHMR's, those are going to be monthly, as my schedule allows (school, work, etc.) If anyone has any requests, let me know (Brain Junks, HHMR's, or what have you).

My 2011 Gaming Picks

2011-12-29T17:57:00.002-05:00

It's that time of the year, again. That time where everyone thinks of the past year in gaming, movies, whatever. And, what a year we've had! We've had the return of an icon, remakes, and some of the most underrated games we've seen. These are my personal picks for the year. A few ground rules.

1: This is based on my opinion, not from other reviews. These are games that I liked/hated for my own reasons. I may mention other reviews in this, but it's not from an influenced stand, it's from a research stand.

2: I played these games, but not necessarily finished them. If I didn't finish them, I didn't review them. I may have done a first impressions on them, but if I didn't play it at all, it's not on the list (so, no Modern Warfare 3, or most RPG's).

3: There must be a basis for my selections, be it technical, story, or innovation. It isn't just because I'm defiant, and rebelling against "professional" game reviewers.

Let's start with the negatives:

Most Disappointing Game:

The list of games that disappointed me this year is pretty big for me, especially considering that for every good game, we had two bad ones. Homefront and Dead Space 2 were both contenders for this due to story elements that don't meld at all. According to Homefront, gas will be $20 a gallon... in two days. Then there's the man-made alien technology in Dead Space 2. Another runner was Killzone 3, a game that was so over the top dramatic that it made soap operas seem like Oscar winning movies, and an ending so preachy that I thought I was leaving church, and was just told I was going to Hell for masturbating. You can't beat Killzone 3, and feel like you achieved anything but senseless slaughter, and it reminds you of that in the ending.

But, there's only one game that disappointed me so much that I could not press my self to review it. Only one game could take a giant leap backwards after the developers showed they could make an outstanding series. Yes, folks, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception is my most disappointing game this year. I can't say it's just one thing about it, either. The story was dull, and taken from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with scenes from Quantum of Solace, The Posiedon Adventure, and The Living Daylights. Seriously, they stole the plane scene from a Timothy Dalton Bond Movie. If you don't believe me, Playstation Magazine mentioned it in their review, (no, I'm not breaking my own rule here, this was actually research). The villain was supposed to be a strong psychological villain, but as soon as she gives away a major plot point, her role is pretty much as a shadow to her body guard, who is one of the lamest and cliche villains ever written. Imagine Star Wars if Darth Vader said that he was Luke's father, and Luke just said, "Okay, whatever!" then had a duel with Vader's second in command. Upon his death, Luke will also say, "Yippie ki yay, motherfucker!" You want to know the kicker? I paid for the collector's edition. At least I got a belt buckle out of this crap!

Worst Graphics:

Hell, I don't even have other nominees than this one. Call of Juarez: The Cartel gets it just on principle. The evidence? The transparent rain texture was lifted what would roughly be three feet from the floor, so the splashes from your footfalls were at your knee. Then there's the infamous "three sided rock" that you can see through. Did I mention the overuse of bloom? Everything shines in this game, for no reason.

Worst Script:

A thought for Epic Games. When you introduce a character, and he's supposed to be a big human foil, it's generally not a good idea to have him instigate a fight, then, when challenged, have him go, "Okay, I'm leaving," after having him say how big and bad he is. It's also not a good idea to make an emotional moment in a game, but have it come from someone who would not do that due to loyalty. It's also not a good idea to say you're doing a new game that's never been done, only to show a tower defense game, but I digress. Despite this, Gears of War 3 is safe. Dead Space 2, and Uncharted 3 are on this list, for reasons all ready stated.

But, there can be only one winner. Again, Call of Juarez: The Cartel takes this. No other game has had issues with the voice actors lines not matching the subtitles. I also can't let, "It's dark as fuck!/"It's dark as cow's guts!" slide. There's also the racist themes that make it seem like all Mexicans are drug dealers, and all white people are women-punching pimps.

Worst Movie Based Game:

Only one movie based game was so bland, boring, and terrible that it earned this award with flying colors. Thor: God of Thunder, with it's one button combat, flat acting, and last gen graphics, pretty much asked for this honor. Consider this: Its only redeeming value was that it wasn't Saw II: Flesh and Blood. Normally, that's not a hard thing to do, but I'm not convinced that Thor even wanted to be better than Saw II.

Most "Awesome" Glitch:

L.A. Noire made this list for the "Elevator Glitch," which made your partner get stuck in the elevator of a building, and you could leave him behind. But, it doesn't beat the other nominee that has several glitches, including one that takes away your ability to attack if you die too many times. Dead Island deserves this award, not just for that, but also for the woman with man parts, the spinning car, and being able to fly through the island. The link has a a few of these glitches, for your laughs. Congrats, Dead Island, you "deserve" this.

Worst Game of 2011:

Between these games, only one can get the worst: Killzone 3, Uncharted 3, Thor: God of Thunder, and Call of Juarez: The Cartel. Let me put it this way, games aspire to be as bad as Call of Juarez: The Cartel, so that they can learn what not to do. While the rest of the nominees were, to me, bad games, it was only due to some bad issues I had with those games, but they did have some redeeming value. Hell, I could laugh at Thor. Call of Juarez: The Cartel was unredeemably painful. If I laughed at it, it's only because it kept me from smashing my brain with the disc.

Now for the positive:

Most Underrated Game:

People actually refused to read my blog after I gave Duke Nukem Forever a positive review. I say this; I'm still nominating it. Mainly, it's because people had their expectations way too high. Bulletstorm, and Spider-Man: Edge of Time are both fun games, that got tossed aside for no reason. Yes, I think Edge of Time isn't as good as Shattered Dimensions, but is still good game. Only one game was poorly received for reasons I can't figure out.

And that game is Bodycount. It got punishing reviews for bad gameplay, graphics, and lack of story. It's gameplay was fast and furious, much like the arcade style that it's based on. The trick was that it was a lot of fun, and didn't need much of a story. Either do other games that get good reviews, yet Bodycount got blasted for it. While being tough, the game is rarely unfair, and the destructible environment adds to the challenge, and fun, of the game. For added fun, play through the game while trying to get all of the trophies, especially the insane ones. You can kill a sniper with a grenade.

Best Open World Game:

There was no shortage of Open World Games this year. Batman: Arkham City, while in a small world, was open enough for the size of the city, giving the player hours of content aside from the main game. Infamous 2 stood out from the original, as well as the genre itself, just by the sheer expanse of the story. But, there's only one Open World Game that left me in awe.

L.A. Noire had it all: a gripping story, beautiful graphics, an amazing cast, and new technology that they made a use for, beyond just bragging points. The facial and body animations were realistic, especially for the time period of the game's setting. While it faces tough competition, L.A. Noire is the one game I keep coming back to for an open world fix.

Best Shooter:

This year has been saturated with shooters, much like every other year. Bulletstorm was a wild romp that was both crude, and had an emotional sub-plot. Bodycount was a thrill ride of a game, and deserved much more credit than it got. Crysis 2 showed that the first person shooter genre can evolve to a true story telling genre instead of simply killing.

It's Battlefield 3 that takes it for me, though. Never have I played a game that capture the soldier's experiences during war so well, that I, as a veteran, was impressed. I've never had a moment that filled me with such dread as when I walk into a vacant street, and hear, "That's weird, there's no civies," and knowing that there's going to be a sniper attack, just seconds before a shot rings out. Battlefield 3 is by far the most realistic war game I've ever played, and the best shooter this year.

Best Platformer:

This year saw the return of Sonic the Hedgehog with Sonic Generations, a game that amazed me immensely with how they could actually do Sonic right. Little BIG Planet 2 arrived, with a way to make entire games as opposed to just levels. While they were both great, I chose one that makes me happy when I play it no matter what.

If you haven't played Rayman Origins, you need to now. Ignore the busty nymphs if you have to, but play it. Between tough boss battles, French hunters, the cute Teensies (I swear one says "Wiggy wiggy!" when you beat a level), and the Pig Latin,... there are too many things to list. Rayman Origins is the most fun I've had playing a platformer in a long time. It can get frustrating, but it's still worth the play...s.

Best Graphics:

While I'm impressed by Arkham City's graphics, it still looks like the Unreal 3 engine. It still a nominee, though, because of just how impressive it is. Battlefield 3 looks amazing and real, yet it still had some uncanny parts to it. Infamous 2 in particular caught me off guard with how detailed everything looked. Crysis 2 showed a mostly photo realistic world falling apart around you, creating many gasp-worthy moments, inspiring both awe and horror.

But, it's L.A. Noire that once again takes it. The facial animations are amazing, especially with how close to the actual actors they are. The city comes alive with reactions to you, as well as pulling over when your siren in blaring. There are details in L.A. Noire that I still haven't spotted.

Best Non-Shooter Action:

It really comes down to three titles here: Spider-Man: Edge of Time and Batman: Arkham City. I have to say, though, Arkham City takes it. Its a game where you can take your time to do what you need to do, and even return to do some bonus side missions, challenges, or get gadgets you didn't get before. On top of that, the game is varied enough that you aren't doing the same thing in every mission. You even have a side mission that ends with Batman losing the case. Also, it has an "alternate ending" if you play some of the DLC. See if you can find it.

Game of the Year:

There were a lot of good games year, and a lot of overlooked ones. But, there were very few stand out titles for me. These titles do represent the best this year had to offer, and hopefully a growth in the industry. Here's the nominees and why:

Batman: Arkham City: All ready established as one of the best games made with Batman, Arkham Asylum was a tough act to follow. Rocksteady managed to more than follow it, though, by adding not just more gameplay, but more land to the playing field. It also has a variety of side quests, and more single player DLC that adds to the story. The one bad thing I can say about that is you have to buy the game new to get it. Even then with this game, it does feel a little bit of a gyp. Don't let it be said that Arkham City isn't worth a visit.

Battlefield 3: Realism in war shooters is hard to come by, and DICE does it exceedingly well. Battlefield 3 is no exception, keeping the difficult firefights constant, and rethinking strategy a necessity. The trade off is that the campaign is short, even for me. But, I was blown away by it, nonetheless. Modern Warfare may have started the trend of killing a playable character into a big event, but Battlefield 3 perfected it to a stunning, and stomach churning, result. It also perfected the formula of being a game that feels like war.

L.A. Noire: Being innovative is tough to do, and while I don't like Rockstar, they do a damn good job staying on their innovation A game. Team Bondi's L.A. Noire is a game so interesting, that when I was talking about it with my family this past Christmas, my father, who has never liked video games (with some minor exceptions) was intrigued. Being able to spot a liar is a little tricky at times, which adds to the challenge of the game. But, some aiming issues do hold it back a little. The story makes up for it in a big way.

Rayman Origins: Ubisoft wasn't joking when they said they made a game that was 60 + levels of HD glory. They also weren't joking when they made the game. Not only is the gameplay addictive, but so is the music, the graphics, and the over all feel of the game. The best part is you can play it with someone else, and discover more secrets, or even beat each other up. Rayman Origins proves you don't need 3D graphics to be stunning. The draw back of the game is how difficult it can get at times, but the fun counters it immensely.

This is a close list, too. As I'm writing this, I'm finding it difficult to pick one winner. But, I'm going to have to pick one, right? And that one is, by a hair, L.A. Noire. As intelligent as it is innovative, L.A. Noire is a full package between fun, story, and concepts not prior executed in video games. L.A. Noire used the facial motion scanning not just for the player, but to make the characters feel real. It worked, too, giving one of the most intriguing and heart wrenching stories in gaming to date.

For those of you curious, the number two pick was Rayman Origins. The only way L.A. Noire won it was for it's innovation with the motion scan. It was that damn close.

Horrid Horror Movie Special Salute to Darren McGavin

2011-12-12T19:36:00.006-05:00

Here's an update. I will not be doing One Eyed Monster after all. It's not because I'm lazy, but because it actually was a pretty good movie, and I found myself making jokes that were made in the film itself. Any movie that is as insane as this, and realizes not to take itself seriously, is worth the watch. Just make sure you are an adult, as it is a pretty raunchy movie.

With it being the Christmas Season, I decided to do something different, and not a review a horror movie, but highlight one of the actors that has helped define the industry with one of its most prolific characters. He not only portrayed one of the industries human horror hero icons, but inspired a hit show made by Chris Carter: "The X-Files." The sad thing is most young horror viewers today do not know about this man, which they should. With out further ado, I'd like to posthumously introduce William Lyle Richardson, better known as Darren McGavin. Those of you old enough may remember him by another name, too: Carl Kolchak.

After earning his Bachelors on Fine Arts for Drama from the Actors Studio in New School University, Mr. McGavin had near constant work throughout the 1950's through the 1970's, including playing tough talking Private Investigator Mike Hammer, a character created by writer Mickey Spillane. It wasn't until 1971 when he was cast as the reporter Carl Kolchak that would define him a as cult favorite actor among the horror circle. The Night Stalker was the highest rated television movie of 1972, followed by the sequel The Night Strangler in 1973.

With the success of these two movies, NBC picked up the contract to make a show based on the character of Kolchak, spawning the series "Kolchak: The Night Stalker. The show, due to censorship and budget issues, wasn't extremely violent, going for the cheesy end of horror. Mr. McGavin wanted to make the series more serious, but was unsuccessful. As it began its decent to complete camp, the series ended after only one season.

Mr. McGavin took more acting roles, including the father in The Christmas Story. In the 1990's, Chris Carter, partially inspired by the theme of "the unknown amongst us" that "The Night Stalker" was modeled from. The series became "The X-Files," and Mr. McGavin was set to guest star in three episodes. Due to his ailing health, he only appeared in two episodes. This would nor be the first time this happened. He was scheduled to appear in the Pilot episode of the remake of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker," simply called "Night Stalker," but was too ill. Still wanting the torch to be passed on, he agreed to using a video sample of the original Kolchak to be digitally placed into one of the scenes.

In 1997, he appeared in another show made by Chris Carter: "Millennium." I want to talk about this episode, "Midnight of the Millennium," which I think is one of the most impressive roles I've seen Mr. McGavin take on. The premise of the series follows Frank Black (Lance Henricksen), an ex-FBI profiler who is taken into the enigmatic "Millennium Group" to help uncover the reason for the rise of unusual crimes. Frank has the uncanny, and disturbing, ability to get into the mind of the killers using empathy. By the second season, this leads to a rift being caused between him and his family.

This leads us to the Christmas episode, "Night of the Millennium." Frank's daughter, Jordan, draws a picture of an angel that looks exactly like the one Frank's mother drew before her death. This, added to his wife and child being separated from him, and trying to find the perfect gift for his daughter, leads Frank on a soul searching journey through his memories. At one point, he comes across a man who tells him this: "Tonight is the Night of the Millennium. At midnight, the souls of those about to die in the coming year will be seen going to mass."

Frank eventually goes to his old home, where his father (Mr. McGavin) lives. Frank make a b-line to his mother's old room, and sees that it's covered in pictures of angels. As he comes back to his father, he sees his father in tears. I may not be able to quote all of this, but what his father says is powerful, especially when taking his next actions into account. [Paraphrased]"She kissed me on the forehead before she went in that room, Frank. After she drew you that angel? We both knew what was going to happen, and she had... accepted it. She welcomed it, even. She told me that she would move that angel (points to the angel statue on the table) after she died. I've been waiting for forty years, and that angel still hasn't moved."

Before he leaves, Frank gives his father a picture of Jordan. Overwhelmed with joy, his father tells Frank to give the angel statue to Jordan, which causes this to happen:

Frank: But... it hasn't moved.
Mr. Black: Oh yes... yes it has. As far as I'm concerned, it has.

At the end of the episode, Frank and Jordan leave the church when the sound of a bell causes them to turn. Jordan asks Frank who one of the spirits she saw was. Frank turns, and sees his father, smiling at them. The next episode, you find out that Frank's father died on Christmas day.

While the episode seems sad, it is more than that. It showed Frank reuniting with his estranged father, and allowed him to say goodbye to both him and his mother. It was also one of the only episodes where Frank didn't have a murder to solve. It also showed that Mr. McGavin could play a kindhearted man who was down on his luck, willing to show vulnerability, and then acceptance. I keep going back to him saying the angel didn't move, then changing his mind after he sees Jordan. It's as if he realized that the statue didn't need to move, but his wife's soul did.

Mr. McGavin sadly passed away on February 25th, 2006 at the age of 83. But, he has left several things to remember him by, whether it's Kolchak, or the father from The Christmas Story. For me, it was his portrayal of Frank Black's father, a man whose life changes in one night for the worst, then changed again for a more joyous, reflective experience right before his character died. If this was his last role, it would've been a perfect sendoff to a good actor, and a good man. Thank you, Mr. McGavin, for giving us a variety of defining characters for a genre who rarely has good, well developed human characters.

For now, this is the Window Keeper, wishing you all a happy holidays, a happy new year, and to keep you're eyes to the sky. I'll see you next year with a true doozy.

Horrid Horror Movie Intermission: Top 5 Upcoming Movies, Movies I Won't Do and Favorite Horrid Horror Movies

2011-12-09T00:10:00.006-05:00

I have somehow built a life off of watching bad horror movies and potentially warning people about them. Hopefully, along the way, I made some people laugh as well. That's why I want to share some of my favorite movies I reviewed, and share some of the ones I'm excited about and some I will never do. To start on a positive note, let's start with my Five Favorite.

5: Cthulhu

No, I didn't like Cthulhu, but it still made this list, mainly on principle that I remember so damned much of it. It may have to do with the fact that it's a Cthulhu movie for gay people, which Lovecraft may either applaud or raise from the dead to murder people if he knew it existed. There's also the ridiculousness of, well, the whole movie. Russ' overdone lisp, Tori Spelling and her husband that looked like Howdy Doody, and, of course, "Ask anyone in the town. They'll tell you that you're getting a ride from the most rampant homosexual in Rivermouth." I still to this day cannot tell if this movie was pro or anti gay. You'd think since it was produced by a gay/lesbian production company, it would pro gay, but it made Elton John look subtle. Of course, to top is off, there's Magic Cat, the cat that appears, gets nuzzled for ten minutes straight, then disappears from whence it came. It would've felt adlibbed if it wasn't so bizarre that it felt like an outtake that made the final cut.

4: Dark Ride

It sounds like a bad joke: Meadow Soprano, a movie fanatic, their friends, and retarded Albert Wesker go to an abandoned theme park and dance with little boy statues, then get killed. Maybe that's why I can't take this movie seriously. It also may have to do with the fact that everything about this movie screams "What the hell?" Wesker's constant gaping steals the show, along with the classic slur of, "What you think I'm only good for shlisz I don think shlzlo!" Or, even, "Get fucked! And stay fucked for a while!" I still have no idea who wrote that, much less whether or not I want to shake their hand or punch them in the dick.

3: Terror Toons

This movie is infamous among Indie Horror Directors because of... well... everything. They cast a pornstar as a little girl, a drag queen for a mother, and a Will Sasso lookalike as a little boy. It ends with a barrage of fart noises as "Lazy Town's" Stephanie kills every one of the villains. Too make matters, the villains are two guys in costumes, one a purple gorilla named "Max Assassin" and the other, "Dr. Carnage" who looks like a goblin in a lab coat, and gay Satan. And it's introduced by the genetic mutant clone of Pinhead in front of Warhead mascots and Wal-Mart plates. It's a Twinkie House short of complete mess, yet a guilty pleasure.

2: Carnivore

I still have this movie. It took them 20 years to release the damn thing, and I am probably the only one crazy enough to have liked it. I'm glad I did, too, because it's the most ridiculous "serious" horror movie I've ever seen. Through it's veneer of stupidity, you can tell that the cast had a lot of fun with it, which makes it so bad that it's good. Of course, there's also the main character, barring a door with a door, and the best nonsense line ever: "Semier Spack for you, motherfucker!" Why is it a big deal that I have this movie? Because, I've never met anyone who had kept it after watching.

1: Smash Cut

In short, this line: "I kissed the severed head of my dead sister. I think I need to celebrate with some trauma counseling." 'Nuff said.

Top 5 Movies I Will Not Review

5: Splice

I have gotten this as a request, and I don't know why. First off, it's mainly a Sci-Fi movie. Secondly, well... it's not a bad movie, honestly. It raises a lot of questions concerning science as it's headed now. Sure, it may not be the scariest movie made, but realistically, what am I going to make fun of with it?

4: Saw: Any of Them

This is one series that needs to be made fun of, but with one issue: not all of the movies are terrible. It had an original concept that started a following of imitators, most doing worse jobs than the last few movies. The problem lies in the amount of backstory to get into to make fun of even one of these movies. I'd be writing a book, not a review (and I'm already writing a book). A Saw review book? Now, that's torture!

3: Dreamcatcher

I loved this movie, but I understand why people didn't like it. It was close to the book, but with some big differences, including a nonsensical ending. But, it falls under something of a misnomer, mainly because it's based on a Stephen King book. It isn't horror; it's Science Fiction. There's also the fact that had it not been for this movie, I wouldn't have some of the colorful phrases I use today.

2: The Scream Series

I'd love to review this, except for two reasons. The first: Somehow, between sequel after dreadful sequel, it became apparent that the movies sucked, so Wes Craven claimed that they were Comedy-Horrors all along... despite saying they were meant to be serious. He covered his ass, and I'm paying for it (joke). Secondly: I'd get a shit storm. People, for some reason, think these movies are great. I think they need their heads looked at, but that's just me. Let's just say that I won't be able to give Scream what it deserves: a trip to the sewers.

1: A Serbian Film

What's scarier than monsters? How about the porn industry? No? How about the Serbian porn industry? You know, with the torturing of women and the freshly born baby raping!

No, I'm not making light of this. I seriously think this is how this disgusting, vile, and horrific piece of shit was pitched. What's even worse is that someone actually made this movie. And people watched it. There are critics who like this movie! I ask this... where is your sense of decency?

Finally: Top 5 Movies I'm Looking Forward To

5: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

The title says it all, but leaves some out. Like the ending where you meet the King Clown. The movie is insane, ridiculous, cheesy, yet... it's a classic. Making fun of this movie will be an honor.

4: The Human Centipede 2

For those of you who remember the first one's review, you remember how bizarre it was. Not disgusting (which, on paper, it should have been), but bizarre. I also dared people to read the review with "Trololololol" playing, which made the movie seem even more insane. I even pointed out how the movie was medically impossible, which is something the second movie embraces. They also made it black and white. You know, because that'll make a movie about forcing people to eat shit classy.

3. Leprechaun: In Da Hood

If you think about it, how could I not do this one? It's a leprechaun acting "gangsta." I would be a discredit to movie gripers everywhere if I didn't make fun of this. Of course, after the 50 Cent game review, people may say I have a vendetta against rap. Well, I have more of a vendetta against this series of films... especially this one. And the space one.

2. Resident Evil

All of them will be heading here eventually. I know they're more action based, but that's why I'm doing them. The series stated off scary (in the games) and turned into The Matrix with zombies. There's also the fact that Wesker is allegedly so powerful that he cannot be shot, punched, thrown out of a window, etc. Wesker is the little kid playing action figures, and changing the rules when his favorite toy is taken out of commission. "You hit me with a rocket, but... I absorb the explosion!" The rest of the time, he's twirling his imaginary mustache. He's Kung Pow's Betty, but even more ridiculous.

1. Dahmer vs Gacy

I'm still having a hard time believing this movie exists, but it does. And it looks as if its more bizarre than I thought. Scientists get the brilliant plan of cloning John Wayne Gacy and Jeffery Dahmer. Why? Well, for the military, of course. That and... well... why not? Y'know, other than the fact that they're serial killers. Who's next, Jack the Ripper vs. Ted Bundy?

In Memorium

2011-12-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

Jerry Robinson
January 1, 1922, December 7, 2011
He gave us laughs and gave Batman what everyone (real and fictional) needs: a friend.
The Comic Industry is lesser for the loss of one of the greats.
Rest in Peace, Mr. Robinson

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Bloodlust Zombies

2011-12-02T12:20:00.002-05:00

I sincerely hope that when our planet manages to be discovered by aliens, they don't know how to watch our DVD's. I cannot imagine how embarrassing it's going to be for us if they do. Sure, they'll get to see documentaries, but how will they know what's real and what's not? I mean, it's not like Greek Mythology where a man flies into the sun, we have some realistic fiction, and special effects. But, worst of all, if they watched Bloodlust Zombies, they'll think we were all inept horndogs with alcoholism.

Continuing with "Porn Horror Month," Bloodlust Zombies stars Alexis Texas, a woman that I'm sure that even the Porn Industry is trying to figure out if she's human or not. I'm not trying to be mean (okay, maybe a little), but... she looks like a homeless woman who discovered make-up and meth at the same time, especially in this movie, where she's always squinting and has bags under her eyes so big that I thought her cheeks were collapsing. I should also note that the term "starring" is a bit of a misnomer here. Despite being the main character in the movie, she's in it for 13 minutes, and half of that is having sex with an old man. At least Sasha Grey stayed clothed in Smash Cut. Hell, she even looked, and acted, like she was breathing. Without further ado, I bring you Bloodlust Zombies.

We start the movie with scientists working on the chemical compound to turn people into zombies. They evaporate it, and feed it to two cats, causing one to attack the other. The second cat explodes, bringing us to the credits. After the credits, we meet Bobby Lee, the head of company doing the chemical testing. He tells his boss that the compound has a 83% success rate, then hands it off to Janice, an older woman who tells the TV the exact same thing. She and the TV take turns insulting Bobby Lee, to which he has the constant witty retort of "Hey, Now!" Imagine him in a fight.

Guy: You old grave robbing bitch!
Bobby Lee: Hey now!
Guy: I'm going to slice your throat!
Bobby Lee: Hey now!
Guy: Then cut your balls off!
Bobby Lee: ... Hey now.

After the meeting, Alexis Texas' character, Andrea, comes in with two wine bottles and glasses. She places the two glasses down, and two more magically appear. Then, two more appear. Either this is bad directing, or she spent extra cash on the amoeba glasses. If it's the latter, I want them... now! They eventually leave the meeting, the head scientist going to the lab, Douche and Secretary going to the office, Janice going to her office, and Bobby Lee and Andrea go to his office to have sex. At one point, he tells her not to call him "daddy" because it makes him sound old. She then tells him to say "All aboard," which he says make it seem like a gang bang. As they switch positions, they accidentally hit the "Intercom" button on the phone, which causes everyone in the building to hear them. They have the logical reaction of... laughing?

They laugh at the boss bumping uglies with his secretary? I'm sure that it'll stop once she gets promoted to Vice President, but, still, doesn't anyone find this uncomfortable? Well, no, because this is a regular thing, as Secretary tells Douche. Douche tries to picture it, but she hits him.

Meanwhile, the scientists are arguing whether wine gets cold or warm in a room temperature setting. They made a zombie cat, and this is what they argue over? When Andrea and Bobby Lee are heard doing the Right Angle Macarena, one of the scientists knocks over the vials with the compound. Luckily, none of the ones with the compound broke. Then, this bit of dialogue happens:

Scientist 1: I love you, man! In a hetero way.
Scientist 2: Right. Football... Sports!

What... the... fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? This was prompted by absolutely nothing, no build up, just random gay joke. Thankfully, the zombie cat is not pleased, and attacks the female scientist (the third one). Thankfully, the alarm was pressed during the spill so it doesn't need to pushed again. Too bad Zombie Scientist 3 attacks the other two!

Bobby Lee goes to activate the reboot for the building, while Andrea seemingly spends half of the movie getting dressed. Janice, after moping about her dead Army husband, realizes that Bobby Lee is taking too long to reboot the building, and grabs a gun. She stops by Douche and Secretary's office, and tells them to stay. Secretary gets up, and goes to Bobby Lee's office to grab his revolvers that he uses for his cowboy role playing. Let's stop and think about this for a moment, as Douche points out that the guns are fake. Secretary honestly thought that Bobby Lee would role play with actual loaded guns. Not only did she think that, but keep in mind that this is supposedly a government run building, complete with security. How in the hell would Bobby Lee get guns inside the building, much less for the purpose of playing an assless chaps wearing cowboy? Live with that image. I know I have to.

Let's talk about the security guys for a second. One of them sits on his ass through most of the movie, while the other one is killed by a zombie by getting bit on the neck. He bleeds out, yet his face manages to stay red. The other security guard, who is also the movie's director, sits in the office most of the time.

Douche starts to leave his office, yet Secretary tells him Janice told them to stay. Despite her leaving not five minutes ago. Then again, she did think that Bobby Lee used real revolvers in sex play. She follows Douche, but is attacked by a zombie. Douche easily kills the zombie with a test tube. He then finds the dead security guard, takes his gun and money, then shoots a zombie in the shoulder. The zombie jumps in front of the blood spatter, with a bullet wound in her head, then falls over dead. Is the budget for this movie so cheap that they couldn't re-shoot that scene?

We finally get to the one interesting character of the movie: Fat Deborah Morgan in a Leg Cast! No, that's not an exclamation, that's how I'm describing her. She knocks on the security door, yelling at the guard to let her in. After arguing for a few minutes, he lets her in. She finds out that he's going to lock them both inside, so they're safe. She calls him a pussy, pulls out a gun, and goes out, screaming obscenities at the zombies, and randomly shooting down the hallway. Fuck me twice on Sunday, she's the best character in the movie. How much do you want to bet she dies?

Janice finds Andrea in an unfinished storage closet, and tells her that she can do better than living off of sex with Bobby Lee. Thankfully, she isn't suggesting having sex with Ron Jeremy, she means that Andrea is smart and has valuable assets. Yes, and if you follow this movie's logic, we've seen them, and probably will again. Douche walks in and imagines that Andrea and Janice are making out. They hit him upside the head, and Douche and Janice leave Andrea in the closet. They argue about Janice having a gun when the weirdness continues. He starts to say that the place is guarded like Fort Knox, but they walk in an elevator, stay silent, then continue as they walk out. This is meant to be funny, I think...

Douche splits up from Janice and gets in a fire fight with Fat Deb. After they realize they aren't zombies, they decide to flirt, and show each other pictures of what the other looks like. Douche ruins this by taking a picture of Mini-Douche. Fat Deb gets up, and as Douche says he's in love, she gets attacked by a zombie, and dies. I knew it, she was too awesome to live.

Douche runs into a lab where he finds a topless female zombie. He has an angel in scrubs and a devil in biker shorts telling him to either kill her or have sex with her. He decides to have zombie sex, only to get his ear ripped off. Wait a second... isn't this the locker room seen in Doom, where the pervert finds a naked woman with her arm ripped off, and decides to rape her, only to find out she's a zombie. How sad is it that they referenced a better movie, and that movie's best part is the Rock saying, "Semper Fi, Motherfucker!" Douche kills her, and another one shows up. He kills her, too, and tries to reattach his ear. Failing this, he takes off his shirt, and wads it up into his ear hole. Meanwhile, Janice kills the same zombies Douche killed earlier, only to get bitten.

Andrea decides to leave the closet, and is chased into another closet, cutting the zombie's hand off with the door. She grabs an ax, and goes to the rebooting room, only to find that Bobby Lee is a zombie. She feebly bludgeons him with the ax (seriously, throwing a feather at him would hurt him more), and reboots the building, covered in blood. Meanwhile, security guy gets off his ass, loads himself up with weapons, and gets attacked by a zombie and dies.

Andrea goes to the kitchenette, and strips to clean the blood off of her.She then takes her bra off (told you we'd see her "assets" again) and puts on a Hazmat suit. Of course they stored those in the kitchen. You know, in case the microwave spawns a mutant chicken pot pie. Figuring they're next to the fridge, the door may buy people some time to get dressed. Why she needed to take her bra off and rub her nipples, though... topless pornstars that look like their eye sockets grew and are covered in blood are... sexy? Anyway, to end this shitstorm of a movie, she walks up to aa zombie, cuts its head off and leaves. Janice sits in her office and cries, and Douche gets attacked by the zombie cat. Heh heh... Movie used zombie pussy attack on Douche. It was super effective.

This is by far the worst movie I've ever had to review. I usually skip over things that I don't find important in these reviews as to save time for both me and you readers. Notice that I didn't mention the plot of this movie? Yes, it actually has one, but it's so inconsequential, that it doesn't matter. There's no shortage of random "What the Fuck" moments that I skipped over, too. I seriously cannot think of a worse to torture anyone than to make them watch this movie. Everyone who worked on this movie needs to be locked up in dark room, forever.

One more movie, and Porn Horror is done. And it's... an alien movie? Oh sweet mother... we're fucked. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to avoid probes.

A Thanksgiving Editorial

2011-11-23T15:26:00.003-05:00

As a few people who read this blog know, I've had a pretty rough year at worst, and a marginal year at best. I have managed to get through this year, though, much to my surprise. Now, it's almost December, and I'm going over the things that I'm thankful for, and I'm kind of surprised by it. I've listed them from least to most important.

1: Video Games

I know how odd this sounds, but I am thankful for them. Without them, I probably wouldn't have a way to vent my frustrations, or a way to relax and unwind. When going through my issues with the VA as well as my art teacher, it was video games that got me through. When I get back from the store, and I was surrounded by idiots, it's video games that allow me to cope with it. After all, if it weren't for video games, I wouldn't have this blog/job of making fun of them. Yet, ultimately, because they're (mostly) fun, it feels less like a job... sometimes.

2: Bad Video Games

This sounds weirder, but if it wasn't for these, I wouldn't appreciate the good ones as much. For every Arkham City or Saints Row: The Third, there's a Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust or a Call of Juarez: The Cartel. There's no way I could see why some of these games are great if not for the trash.

3: My Time in the Army

I hated being in the Army, but I wouldn't trade it in for the world. Without it, I couldn't afford to go to school. I also wouldn't know that other countries are thankful for what we're doing. I'm still touched when I think about how every one in the Shannon, Ireland airport stood in line, cheering us on as we walked inside. Even if we come home to people who trash us, those that support us are what get us through.

4: The Rats

How can I be thankful for rodents?

These are a few of them (Lana and Salt on top, then Frank Sinatra, Sugar grinning while getting kissed, and finally, Aphrodite). Each one is loving, has there own personality, and is an absolute joy to be around. Even the ones we've lost have left there marks on me, causing me to tear up at times when I think about them. To top it off, nothing is like waking up, and seeing these little faces staring at you, waiting to play.

5: Family and Friends

It seems cliche, but for me it's true. I don't make friends easily, especially since I don't talk to many people, or I come off as standoffish. Without my friends and family, I'd be a lonely shell. I may not see my family much, but I am grateful for having them. I may see my friends all the time, even when I'm not acting my best, but they know I wouldn't trade them in for the world. There's also, finally, my Cami, whom without, I'd be a lonely wretch sitting and playing video games all day. Now, I watch her play!

Seriously, Happy Thanksgiving, one and all. I'll see you after the holiday.

Brain Junkfood: Top Ten Most Bizarre Twists in Video Games (PS2 +)

2011-11-20T15:27:00.005-05:00

While I'm Overkilling, I want to take a break and discuss some of the most bizarre things in video gaming. Yes, plot twists. We're not talking about ones like a character using you to kill the guy who was actually not evil, or how Don Knotts was the ghost. We're talking about twists that come out of no where, make absolutely no sense, or are purely batshit insane. I'm only going to use each game once, but some maybe from the same series. But, be warned, there are some spoilers ahead, so tread with caution.

10. Killer7

The Twist: Japan has been rigging American Elections.

Why is it weird?: Of all of the crazy things in Killer7, such as the terrorists who laugh and explode, a pedophile who skins anime girls, and you playing as a killer with MPD, why is Japan running American Politics the top? How'd it beat out the guy in a gimp suit? It just seems like a conspiracy theorists wet dream, not unusual. In fact, seeing our current political climate, it seems pretty damned possible.

So, why is it my pick? Because, according to the game, Japan has been running US Politics since 1780. Yes, only four years after we declared Independence from Britain, Japan silently takes us over. It's not like they had extremely advanced technology back then, either. By that, I mean, they couldn't disguise themselves as white people. Someone, somewhere would have had to have noticed a Japanese guy rigging the votes in the Electoral College. There's also the fact that Japan was closed to the US, and the world until 1854, when Commodore Matthew Perry forced Japan to open world wide with the Convention of Kanagawa. But, the weirdest thing about this? The game's creator, Suda 51, is Japanese, and made his entire country the villains of the game. That shit wouldn't fly in the US. (Oh?)

That doesn't count!

9: Alan Wake

The Twist: "It's not a lake- it's an ocean!"

Why is it weird?: The point of the game is to save Alan's wife, Alice from the Dark Presence. She's being held under the lake, and Alan has to fight the dark to save her. He finds out in the process that he's being forced to write himself into a book called Departure that would let the darkness out into the world. This explains why he finds pages that come to life in front of him, and why he sees himself on TV, rambling like Lewis Black on water. He also finds words floating in front of him that turn into the objects it says, i.e. "cat" becomes a cat.

He manages to write his wife to safety, but how does he save himself? By changing the lake into an ocean. How exactly is that going to help him? It's like if in Batman, Joker wanted to escape by going from a maximum security ward to being enclosed in a concrete block and buried directly under the Batcave. Should he manage to escape, he'll just get captured again. An easier way to save himself would be to change the title to "Don't Touch It! It's EVIL!"
7: Rule of Rose

The twist: You're playing as a Lesbian Pedophile Whose Lover Used Her Abusive Father Figure to Kill Children

Why is it Weird?: Again, the entirety of Rule of Rose is insane. You play as a seventeen year-old girl named Jennifer who is being abused by orphans in a orphanage on an airship, while being chased by a serial killer, and fighting imps and vomiting mermaids. But, the end of the game takes a sharp left turn for "what the fuck" territory.

Jennifer is the sole survivor of a blimp crash who was found by Gregory, a groundskeeper. He locks Jennifer in his basement, and raises her as his son. She meets the frail child Wendy, who is the Princess to Jennifer's Prince. Jennifer eventually escapes with Wendy to her orphanage, but Wendy is sick and usually in the infirmary. Wanting Jennifer's love for herself, she has the rest of the kids abuse her, thinking Jennifer would go to her for support. Instead, she found Brown the dog. Wendy eventually gives Jennifer a choice, be buried or bury the dog. Jennifer buries Brown. With the friendship destroyed, Wendy brings Gregory to the orphanage, and has him act as a dog and kill every kid but Jennifer before killing himself. The trauma of remembering this causes her to lose her memories again.

The game tries to play Jennifer's love for Wendy as pure, but think about this. Her lover is a child who is dangerously jealous of Jennifer having other friends, even a dog. She hires Jennifer's father figure to kill every other child in the orphanage, so that Jennifer would only have her. All of this for something that she as a child should not be able to understand. Either she's insane (despite being the "kind-hearted princess"), or her "friendship" was very, very warped. I'm not the only one who pointed this out as the game is banned in Poland for the same reason.

Oh, this should make it clear for why this is so damned controversial. Jennifer is 17, Wendy is four.

6: God of War III

The twist: Pandora is an Ancient Greek Robot

Why Is It Weird?: In the first game, Kratos is searching for Pandora's Box to kill Ares. Throughout the game, Pandora is hinted to be true to her myth. Then comes God of War III to start asking the bizarre question that didn't need to be asked: Where did Pandora come from?

Well, it's simple; Hephaestus, knowing Aphrodite would want nothing to do with him, builds a robot daughter to be the key to Pandora's Box, and names her after the box. What's more is that Pandora's Box wasn't named after Pandora, the woman who opened it, but for the robot that was named after the box. Yes, you read that right, Pandora the robot was the same Pandora who opened the box that she was named after, despite the fact that she had her name before the box. What's even more confusing if the fact that Pandora's box cannot be open with out her being killed. Which begs the question of, "How the fuck did Kratos open it to kill Ares?"

Then again, I'm over analyzing the same game that says that Zeus never helped Kratos kill Ares... even though he did.

5: Dead Space 2

The Twist: The Marker is Man-Made Alien Technology

Why is it Weird?: The first game establishes that the Marker is not alien, but a man-made object that contains an alien life form. The first hour of the game, they ram this point into the player's head. Nothing wrong with that, thinking of the new players to the series. Nothing wrong with that.

Then the dumbest thing said in the series is uttered by the person helping you: "The Marker is powerful Alien Technology." How does that work? Did aliens give the human race the schematics to build the Marker? Or did she mean that male aliens build the Marker? More importantly, why the sudden change in the story-line? They spent valuable dialogue to retcon the entire main part of the game with one line. To make it even worse, they never mention it again. It's as if the editor fell asleep during the reviewing of the script. Considering the game, I can't blame him if he did.

4: Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2

The Twist: Nick Fury built Nick Fury robots that killed him and set up superheroes to start the Marvel Civil War so that they could take over the world.

Why is it Weird?: Even by comic book standards, this doesn't make sense. The whole game, Nick Fury is dead, and a robot is leading a rampage that causes the Civil War of Marvel Mythos. He needs the Civil War to start so that supervillains would be implanted with nanobots so that the Fury-bots can take over the world. These robots could not do this without being programmed to, nor without overriding safety protocols that SHEILD would have placed in the robots' AIs.

Of course, what truly makes it weird is the fact that all of this planning relies on everything going just perfectly for the Civil War to start. Which means that by having Nick Fury start an unconventional war against a country could have backfired against them. It almost did, too, since Nick Fury was wanted after this had happened for war crimes, that are forgotten when Speedball and Nitro cause the explosion that starts the Registration Act. Without the the help of the Nick Fury robots, the War was started, yet they were to blame. Sure... why not. Next game: Batman: R.I.P. with more weapons grade meth. Oh, and his Mother's the villain this time, and his sister (who he never knew he had) seduces him.

3: Silent Hill 2

The twist: Your Character is an Idiot.

Why is it Weird?: We should all know the twist in Silent Hill 2, that James killed his wife, and forgot. He's also struggling with sexual frustration, seeing his wife as a prostitute, and talking to mentally handicapped men that are bullied, little girls, and women who were raped by their fathers. Yet, with all of the insanity in the city, James is the most surprising character of all, because he is, by far, the dumbest character in video game history.

Let's start with Mary/Maria. Maria is Mary's sexual side, and the town's prostitute. She also looks exactly like Mary. While this does trip James up from time to time, he's more than willing to accept that she's not Mary. There's also the issue that she's dying every five seconds, too. Then, there's his interactions with Eddie. This one has always reigned infamous with me. Eddie tells James that he'll kill anyone that bullies him. James proves himself as an idiot by calling Eddie dumb. If I saw a guy with a gun who was obviously not stable, the last thing I'd do is goad him into shooting me. Other stupid things he does: shoots Pyramid Head while hiding; parking outside of the city, and getting lost while walking in a straight line; trying to fight two giant monsters with spears; forgetting that he killed his wife, and talks to her ghost on a regular basis... wait, scratch that, because there's always a chance that he went into the town to find out how he screwed up killing her, which makes him even more of an idiot.

2: The Suffering 2: Ties that Bind

The Twist: Torque's his own enemy.

Why is it Weird?: Chock this one up to a plot twist that ruins two games in one. If you finished the first game with Good Karma, you didn't kill your girlfriend and children. In the second game, you're looking for the guy who did it. That's all well and good...

...until the bad guy comes out and says, "People say we look the same. That's because we are!" First off, lets start with why this is a stupid ass move to make in a story, especially in a game. The players of the first game worked to get good karma in their game, especially with The Suffering. They were rewarded with finding out that Torque didn't kill his family.They get to the end of this game, and it basically says, "Fuck you! You did it! You played good all for nothing!" It makes the player ask the question, "Why bother having a morality system?"

Now, for why it's weird. If Torque had MPD, wouldn't someone have, oh, I don't know, notice? His lawyer would be chasing after the appeal, and he would be in a mental asylum. Let's not forget one other flagrant fact that in the good morality intro, it mentions that Torque is sane, and did not kill his family!

1: Silent Hill 4: The Room

The twist: You're in Walter Sullivan's Mother.

Why is it Weird?: You're in a haunted apartment, trapped, with the only solace being that you can check on your neighbor. You find various holes in the apartment that lead you to where the previous owner killed people. But, the weirdness begins when you find his dead body in a wall... and his umbilical chord in a box...

Walter Sullivan believes that the apartment you're living in is his mother, and he's killing people to purify it. Obviously, this man is insane right? Well, no... In order to kill Sullivan, you have to use the umbilical chord on him and the apartment, forever bonding them to each other. This goes beyond Walter believing that his old home is the place of his rebirth. This goes for the idea that a room literally gave birth to him. Perhaps the weirdest thing is the fact that no one in the game finds the fact that the apartment's super had the umbilical chord strange in the slightest. Why did he have it in the first place? Is he that willing to accept that an apartment gave birth to a boy? Most important... did your character move out of the apartment after finding this out? I sure as hell would.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers. I got some more Brain Junkfood games to play, but I'll return with some more.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: BreadCrumbs (aka The Hansel and Gretel Massacre)

2011-11-17T16:13:00.004-05:00

While I wait for Ron Jeremy's killer tool of doom, we have the pleasure to start "Porn Horror Month" with a bit of a bizarre bang. We have a movie about an aging porn star filming her last movie, even though her scuz-ball director is trying to force her to stay in. They're also getting picked off, one by one, and are being followed by "children." It says a lot to know that these are the normal parts of this movie.

Before we get to the movie, I want to state this here and now. I am familiar with the feminist and political debates over the porn industry, as well as the myths, including the rampant STD's and model abuse. Firstly, I am not going to get into the arguments, feminist or political, in these reviews, except for one instance that will pop up later in this review. As for the myths about STD's and abuse, here's a quote from Smash Cut actress Sasha Grey: " I began my research that month, making my decision absolute in October 2005. On April 17th, 2006 I moved to LA, got tested at AIM and found an agent. I performed my first sex scene on May 1st, 2006 in The Fashionistas 2: Safado. Although I have come a long way since then, many people in society believe that I am a victim. I was not sexually abused. I am not on drugs. The acts I perform are always consensual. I am a woman who strongly believes in what she does - it is time that our society comes to grips with the fact that "normal" people (women especially) enjoy perverse sex. I hope to inspire people from all walks of life, and to collaborate with innovative individuals (bohemians welcome). Many people mistake this thought and believe that I desire all women to do porn and fuck like rabbits, ignoring all health risks. This is not what I preach or believe. Like any business, I take risks in my profession. Anyone considering porn as a career should be fully aware of these risks before jumping in. I am ready to take on any opportunities and challenges that face me as a woman, porn star, and artist."

The AIM testing she's referring to is the STD testing every actor and actress has to do before and after a porn scene. Thanks to the AIM system, the rate of STD's is lower than the general population. On top of that, if anyone is caught with an STD, they are fired from the industry. Recently, the AIM has filed for bankruptcy, the last straw being Wikileaks leaking a list of patients for the clinics. Legally, though, I'm sure, the industry still has to do the testing.

Well, getting off that topic, onto another, vastly more depressing one, lets take a bite out of BreadCrumbs.

We start the movie with a young deputy hanging over a pan, her badge pressed into her stomach. She's killed off screen, and the theme starts. Besides an all right animated opening, we notice that the theme song sounds more like something from A Series of Unfortunate Events. This is pretty convenient , seeing as that's also how I'd describe this movie. I should probably mention that the first scene not only isn't scary, but has shit-all to do with the movie. Why is that? Because it's never mentioned, ever again.

We then meet our cast of porn stars. Before you think I'm excited for this, let's mention our main character, Angie Heart. She's a tall, 50-year old red head, who looks like she's used every drug she could find. Her director, Eddie, keeps hinting that, while this is her last movie, he's not letting her go out of the industry. If the movie was made in the 1970's, when the mob ran the porn industry, I could understand it. This was made in 2011. The mob no longer runs the industry, and forcing a actor or an actress into the industry is, you know, a crime. Seriously, this movie hints that not only does the porn industry still force people to work, but, as we'll see later, it will mention the pay they get, and that's when it get's laughable.

Our cameraman, Chuck looks like Terry Stroud from "One Way Out" had a horrible love clone with Jonathan Coulton. Angie's agent, Jane, looks like Jane Lynch with breast implants. Our make up artist, Nicole, looks like the average nerd girl, in a good way... but wait for her body double. Billy and Dom are our male stars. I thought one of them was a fluffer, but either one isn't in this mysterious anachronistic porno, or, being as it part of the make-up department, Nicole is the fluffer. Weird considering most fluffers are men. Oh, they're going for the rumor of the fluffer giving the male star sexual favors to keep him ready, despite most of the job doesn't involve physical contact. Any, Dom and Billy are skinny dweebs, but I'll Dom credit. He's actually funny.

Then there's Vanity and Skyler. If you can't tell, they're our young actresses. If you couldn't tell that they're going to be petulant, Skyler shrieks that she has no phone reception, and Vanity makes fun of Angie's age. Do I need to mention that would never happen? Anyway, the crew almost runs over two children, Henry and Patti. Our children look like adults. In fact, Henry is played by an actor who graduated from NYU School of Dramatic Arts. His character is supposed 16, Patti is 14. They both between 19-22. It's Terror Toons all over again (this was supposed to be a kid!) The crew is decidedly creeped out, and drive away from the "kids."

They arrive and party, while Angie goes outside to fondle a cigarette. That's not an innuendo, that's what she does. She eventually sees a doll and Patti. She tries to give the doll to Patti, but a howling wolf scares her. I mention wolf, because Angie says it's a, I wish I was joke, raccoon. Patty runs off into the woods, and Angie goes inside. Chuck jumps over a small fire, and wins a bet. His prize is Nicole flashing him. We don't see this, though. We see her body double from a distance. Her body double is a man with a huge beer belly.

As they sleep, Dom, decides to talk to Angie about his scene with her, being as it's his first scene in porn. Chuck tells him to go score because she's ready. Dom's reply is simple and eloquent: "You're a douche." He sees Angie and Jane, who lead him on as if they didn't see him, and start making out, tricking him. He then walks away like he didn't mean to be there, rendering the scene pointless. The filming is going to start the next day, though!

They start filming the world's most boring porn scene in the world with the worst actors. Seriously, they had to be told what "doggy style" was. Thankfully, the scene is interrupted when Eddie catches Henry watching them, and chases him into the woods. He looses Henry and shouts, "Screw you! *wait* Not you!" I am baffled. Eddie is not only the director of the porn, but also the film's director. I'm pretty sure he was saying "Not you!" to someone who walked by on their "closed set" who happened to take offense to Eddie's shouting.

That night, Angie and Dom are prepping for a scene when she sees Henry. He warns her of the Woodsman, and she goes inside after he lifts up the doll's dress and points at her crotch asking if that's how she "plays." She comes in, but Eddie locks Dom out until he remembers his line. My initial joke was, "what's so hard about a pizza delivery guy saying, 'How's the big sausage?'" It wouldn't work, because that's one of his lines, along with "You like that big sausage. Yeah!" Sadly, he is later found hanging in the shed, bleeding to death. The crew bring him back inside, and all but him and Angie go for help.

As they go through the woods, Eddie is shot by an arrow in the hand, and Jane takes two in the back and her neck. Chuck falls into a pit and dies, and Henry grabs Skyler's wig, and she turns to get it back. She's later killed by Henry and his cookie cutter, but not before he rips her shirt open, I guess to see if it was in fact her getting humped earlier.

As the survivors regroup in the cabin, Billy realizes that the first aid kit is in the van. He goes out to get it, Vanity following. They get trapped in the van when Patti pops up. She then hides under the windshield, somehow tricking Billy into thinking that she vanished. As they run inside, Henry kills Vanity by slitting her throat, causing her skin to turn bright red. Oh! I'm sorry, it was just very bad CGI blood. My mistake for expecting the special effects team to use half of a fucking brain. Billy grabs Patti by the hair and takes her hostage.

I'm not going to get to detailed with this part, because most of it is them arguing over whether they'll kill Patti or not. They hold her for collateral when Angie finds that the cell phone received a call. Her, Nicole, and Billy go to the top of the cabin to get a signal, which leads to Nicole getting shot by an arrow that pins her to the door. Meanwhile, Patti flips Jane over, which causes the arrows to go through her chest. Hence the argument of kill or not begins. Angie manages to get Patti out of the cabin, which leads to her being caught by Billy, and told by Eddie that she wasn't going to leave the industry because he knew she couldn't afford to leave, financially.

And here, I call what it is. Male stars average salary for porn is roughly $40,000 a year. From the male stand point, I can see the "no money" argument. Female stars make $100,000-250,000 a year, not including appearances at clubs and signings. The point being, unless she spent everything, she could leave and be stable. Let's also not forget that by forcing her to do porn, he is essentially raping her.

Anyway, they toss her outside, and as Patti finds her, Henry kills Billy with an ax. He chases Eddie, who eventually falls down a hill, missing every rock until Henry crushes his head with one. Patti leads Angie to the woods where Henry meets them. They tie Angie up to a tree, and explain that because Patti knows what sex is ("girls mature more faster than boys"), and because she was going to have sex, she lives in a house of candy. This means that she's getting something she likes, and must die. Uh...

...
...
...
...
... Huh. I know she wasn't there for the whole, "you're not quitting the job you obviously despise" speech, but, the question needs to be asked: What the fuck is she talking about? Rape is candy? I'm not making a joke, that's seriously what I'm getting from this movie! It's fucking appalling.

She manages to escape, only to get caught by Eddie. Henry rekills Eddie with an ax, and chases Angie to a cabin, then to a beach. Angie gets Henry to not kill her by telling him that she's their Mother. Confused, he tries to kill Patti, but is distracted when Angie runs away, leaving him screaming, "MOMMY!" in a shrill voice. She runs through the woods, and finds a trailer, but no one is home. She gets in the truck, but sees an old man standing in front of it. She thinks he's the woodsman Henry, the insane killer was telling her about. So, she's taking the creepy kid's word for it, after he tried to kill her? Multiple times? Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee?! Anyway, she passes out in the woods, and Patti and Henry find her. The end.

Did the people behind this piece of horse shit ever hear of research? Most of the research I did for this review was from my research for a character in a comic book, as well as from an HBO series. Two quotes I got from the internet. Instead of actually doing research, this movie goes with the archaic myths about it's theme, going so far as to suggest that the rape victim liked getting raped. Let's not mention the children being adults., and Nicole's stuntman. The only thing good I can give it was at least we saw Skyler topless, only for the sheer fact that she wasn't fake.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to find a pornstar hunting zombies. Before we see our hairy menace, that is.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Ghoulies

2011-11-15T03:20:00.003-05:00

The '80's were a bizarre time for horror movies. It brought us classics like Evil Dead and Dead Alive, showing us that garden tools are weapons of choice for zombie apocalypses, unless you're a priest. We had the first two Hellraiser movies, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street, setting off classic horror icons. Yet, for better and for worse, the '80's gave us Charles Band. Mr. Band is known mainly for his work in horror films such as the Puppet Master and Demonic Toys series, as well as some off shoot schlock like Dolls and Laserblast, the latter of which Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffed on. And rightfully so, as that movie was a piece of shit. But, he had a style, usually one that involved little monsters creating havoc, be they toys, dolls, puppets, or, if you're English, turd-monsters.

Yes, Charles Band had a movie banned in Britain because the title of it was a slang term for "poop." Can you imagine having a movie banned, not because it was bad, but because it meant "poop" in another country? The designer for the poster had to have known this, too, because the poster for it depicts a monster coming out of a toilet, with the tag line, "They'll get you in the end!" No, this isn't Cthulhu: Uncut with More Gay Sex, this is Ghoulies! And, God, do I have no idea how this got three sequels.

Part of why I'm so flabbergasted by this movie is the fact that the first hour of the movie is fluff with half of that time being a party with the most unlikable people in the world. Oh, and Olivia Benson. This is Mariska Hargitay's film debut, and I swear that I'm still scratching my head as to how she got jobs after this. But, wait until you meet her other co-stars that include a pair of dwarves, a mime, and DICK! On this note, we drop some Ghoulies.

The movie begins like all horror movies: a human sacrifice. The "priest," who looks like Sting on Spice, is attempting to sacrifice an infant, but a mother decides to place a pentagram on the baby to protect him. A random old man grabs the baby and runs away, while Sting decides to sacrifice the woman instead. He then stares at her, more annoyed than willing to kill her. Seriously... why didn't he stop the old man from taking the baby? Why didn't the rest of his cult do anything to help Sting? And why does the old man look like a bad Harry Potter character?

We move forward to the future, where Johnathan Graves and his... girlfriend/sister Rebecca, inherit the house the baby was going to be sacrificed. SPOILER ALERT: Jonathan is the baby. Not really a spoiler, because it's never said, but it comes in handy to know later. They decide to celebrate by having a party with the most ridiculous group of people I've seen in horror movies. Seriously, I've seen Sasha Grey in Smash Cut, I've seen Terror Toons and it's "six year-old" played by a porn star, and I watched Carnivore, with a man who refused to be credited for his role in the movie (and barred a door with a door), and this cast is the weirdest one I've seen in horror movies. How can you beat people who had lines like, "I just kissed the severed head of my dead sister. I'm going to celebrate with some trauma counseling!" and "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" How is that possible?

Well, for starters, you have a character who talks in a high, raspy voice, and refers to himself as Toad Boy, and yet, everyone finds this normal. Also in the party is Beavis and Butthead, Princess Whatshername, Olivia Benson (who is dating Toad Boy), and the womanizing jock. He hits on Princess Whatshername, then, not five seconds, walks up to Benson, and hits on her. She asks who he is. His reply is why I'm not giving a nickname: "People call me Dick. But, you can call me... *grunts* DICK!" As if this wasn't bizarre enough, he is played by Keith Joe Dick. I will reiterate: He's DICK!

Jonathan gets the idea of doing a satanic ritual to summon spirits in his basement. Thankfully, they forgo the Strip Weegee from Terror Toons. Benson is quick to point out that the basement is spooky. She'll grow up to face rapists and sadomaschists, but this basement, and later a backyard, are spooky. After the ritual "fails," the party is disbanded. Jonathan waits until Rebecca leaves to summon the Ghoulies, who only he can see and hear. Yes, the monsters are Al from "Quantum Leap" but uglier. Jonathan starts trying to gain power, and finds the pentagram, which he gives to Rebecca-- hold up! How did he lose the pentagram? Did the old man steal it? That breaded bastard!

One day, Rebecca catches Jonathan LARPing after he summons two midget demon minions. Yep, midget demons. Did I mention that I actually have no fucking clue what is going on at this point? Rebecca leaves him, but comes back after his start to glow, and act like like chameleon eyes. I lost count of how many times his pupils never looked in the same direction. He then hypnotizes her into staying, and calling the rest of the crowd back to have a party.

At dinner, the Ghoulies are eating food with the humans, who wearing sunglasses. Jonathan drinks his wine, and suddenly, the crowd are all in sheets, in a circle, where he does an chant that summons zombie Sting, and then they're back at dinner. Jonathan sends them away to their rooms, while Sting tells the Ghoulies that they work for him. Toad Boy and Benson go to the "spooky" yard, and eventually get murdered by the Ghoulies in the fountain. Beavis and Butthead start smoking a joint, and DICK and Whatshername have the world's quickest sex. DICK goes downstairs, and sees Sting as a woman, who he immediately hits on. Sting wraps his tongue around DICK's neck, and crushes(?) it. Meanwhile, Whatshername is murdered by the world's creepiest mime, who turns out to be a sock puppet in a mime doll.

Beavis goes to get matches for the joint neither of them have smoked, but are high from. The midget demons kill him, drag him outside, then kill a Ghoulie that wants to eat him. Butthead gets mauled by a Ghoulie, and Rebecca wakes up from her trance and starts roaming the house, ripping the necklace off. The Ghoulies all attack her, and she falls down four or five stairs, killing her. Jonathan then jumps the stairs and lives unharmed. How did she die, then? She barely fucking tumbled!

Jonathan notices the dead friends doing the Worm down to the basement, where Sting lurks. Hee hee... Sting's lurking! Sting explains that he is Jonathan's father, and he must die for Sting to be immortal. Jonathan tries to use magic on Sting, but it doesn't work. Suddenly, and I've use that one a lot, the old man from the beginning of the movie comes in, and starts a magic duel against Sting. After a boring climax, Dumbledork and Sting are dead, and the friends are brought back to life. How? Does death just reverse itself if their killer is killed? If so, how come Sting died when the Dumbledork died? They both killed each other, so shouldn't they both be alive? Shit, I just realized what that would mean... the movie would never end.

Luckily, it does. The friends get in their cars and drive off, only to be attacked by the Ghoulies. And only Beavis sees them.

This... what the hell is this? It's not scary or funny. It's insane. It gives insane a bad name! For the life me, I don't know how the DICK to classify this movie, other than what the title means in slang British: Shit.

But, we're not out the DICK woods yet, folks. The rest of this month and some of next month, we'll be talking about "Porn Horror." No, it isn't porn. It's horror movies that involve porn in the plot. And we got a big fat hairy doozy next time.

Until then, this is the Window Keeper signing off to look into the regretful choice of this month's theme. And avoid by DICK puns.

Upcoming Stuff

2011-11-10T13:45:00.002-05:00

Here's some upcoming stuff in no order:

Brain Junkfood:

House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut
Urban Chaos
Soldier of Fortune: Payback
Top Ten Most Bizarre Stories and Twists in Gaming (PS2- Now)
Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge

Horrid Horror Review (Yes, I'm doing more)

Movies:
Ghoulies
Bloodlust Zombies
One-Eyed Monster
Zombie Strippers
Stripperland
Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives
Insidious

New!* Games:

Silent Hill 2
Alone in the Dark: Inferno

Cinimagenesis

Batman Begins
Spider-Man
Reservoir Dogs
Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay
Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

* These take a bit longer to do than the Brain Junkfood articles, so they will be spaced apart.

New series: Spray and Play: A look at the post-3D Realms/id FPS

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare vs Battlefield 3: Single Player
ColdWinter
XIII
Project: Snowblind
Condemned 2: Bloodshot

First Impressions: Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception

2011-11-03T10:38:00.003-04:00

Okay, Naughty Dog, I think we need to have a talk. This pains me to say, but... I think you need to reevaluate your writing processes for games, as well as beta testing. I cannot believe that you dropped the ball this badly on a game that fans have been waiting for this anxiously. I seriously have to ask this: What on earth were you thinking?

Let's talk about glitches and controls. People are not rubber. If I walk into someone because your AI is constantly jumping in front of me, I should not bounce off of them. Pre-scripted movements on your AI as it walks through a door, and blocks me from it, is bad form. Unless you want me to go in a room last, as if I'm the President of the United States, you should probably rethink this decision. Also, people are solid, not ghosts. A thug should not be in a wall, and shooting at me. At the same time, they should not be able to shoot me through a solid wall, unless it is destructible cover, which this game does not have. Then again, the enemies do range from having no brain to god-like accuracy in the matter of two seconds. Maybe this is part of their secret society training, to go from brick to Einstein instantly?

Another thing, this time, about story. Secret Society? Really? When did I start playing a Dan Brown novel? Katherine Marlow, while I applaud the attempt of making a female villain that is a psychological threat, is boring, bland, and, most importantly, not threatening. In fact, she seems comically incompetent, especially since Drake outsmarts her from the very beginning. Yet, despite not having even half the knowledge and clues that Drake has about what they're both looking for, she's always one step ahead of him. So much so, that she predicts one person's fate by placing a tarot card in his coat in the beginning of the game. If you look at "cliche" in the dictionary, both this phrase, and her picture would be in it.

So, would Talbot's picture. *Spoiler* When you're second in command is shot and killed, he should not come back to life as if he is a ghost. For trying to make the game "serious" and "dark," it looks more like two kids playing with action figures, and changing the story as they go along. I will give you this, the line "I even shot him in his fancy-boy waist coat!" was funny. The chasing Talbot through the streets scene, though was not.

After picking up the controller again, the glitches have subsided. The faulty, and flat out boring story, though, has remained so. I'd suggest waiting until this drops in price. Be warned, it is short, and not nearly as good as the last two games.

October First Impressions (Catching Up Edition)

2011-10-30T19:06:00.003-04:00

Okay, now that School Money Crisis 2011, I need to catch up on some stuff, gaming wise. No, I'm not dead, the VA took forever with my benefits (they admitted this, and felt pretty bad about it taking so long for everyone), but it's all worked out now. Oh, and I'm working on gaming articles again, but for a different magazine, since the old one went up in flames! Not literally. Let me put some context here:

I was OSDB's top article writer (sad, no?), which meant that I was there big draw to developers. The magazine was going to be published, but only if my blog broke 50 page views a day. They never told me this, and our magazine was going bankrupt. This meant that if I didn't get the page views to get us published, and the magazine went under, I would have had to pay for it. I wouldn't have been okay with this in the first place. What made it worse was the fact that they did all of this behind my back. Now, after most of the people I worked with have left, we went off and started finding another publisher and finance adviser for the magazine, and we're starting from scratch.

Without further ado, though, I am going to give my first impressions of some of the Fall's newest games to come out this month.

1: RAGE: I remember people talking about how RAGE was going to be the revival of the FPS, solely because ID was doing it, and it had a new engine. When it tells you that it was made by the developers of Doom and Quake, yes, that sounds like it'd be good. I thought that it was going to be a Borderlands/Fallout ripoff. Well... it is, but with one exception: those games had a plot. I seriously feel like I was rescued in the game just to kill indiscriminately. Haven't we moved beyond this? Okay, let me rephrase that. Didn't thy advertise this game as having a story? They delivered Doom with cars, minus half if the fun. Oh, but it does run at 60 FPS. The new ID Tech 5 engine has that, at least. Playing on the PS3, though, it looks very jagged, as if they made very little improvements with the models, save for improved lighting. The backgrounds do look beautiful, though. Lastly, far be it for me to talk about a game being too short, but this needs mentioned. I'm halfway through the game, and I've been playing for an hour and a half. It's good for about five minutes, but then, once you realize that its Borderlands (so much that the enemies are called "Bandits" and act like the ones in Borderlands) with Brutal Legend style driving, the veneer wears off quick.

2: Batman: Arkham City: Arkham Asylum is hands down one of my favorite games of all time, with Blood II, Bioshock, Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions, Heavy Rain, and Condemned. This fits right in, as well. It's beautiful to watch, and very fun and fluid to play. Plus, it's jam-packed with characters. Oh, and one character acts different on certain days of the year. Rocksteady didn't make a cash in sequel, they made a project that feels like something the fans deserve. My few gripes are the character designs (seriously... Bane looks awful, and Mr. Freeze looks like a bad Big Daddy), and Harley's voice. It's not the same without Arleen Sorkin. But, those are very minor gripes for an overwhelmingly great game.

3: Battlefield 3: Everyone knows that this game looks great graphically. What they don't know is that this is single-handedly the most accurate modern war shooter I've ever played. When I get chills down my spine from hearing that an area has no civilians, just a fraction of a second before we get attacked, you know you did something right. If you play this as CoD, you will die. A lot. Tactics are needed, and you need to adapt. DICE knows there stuff. The best thing is that this game is very fun, as well.

4: Gears of War 3: I would review this one, but the update corrupted my save, and I sold my 360. It is a good game, but the writing is a little flaky. Here's an example:

Ice-T: Bitch you killed my fucking town, fuckers!

Marcus: I lost my fucking *redacted* fucker!

Ice-T: Fuck you fuckers! I'm Fucking out the fuck here! Fuck!

And Ice-T is never seen again.

Oh, the high point is playing as Cole. Cole is awesome. Anya and the Totally not Chloe from Uncharted character who is sleeping with Post Dead Wife Dom are not. Oh, and Epic screws Dom's character up a tad... but I'm really conflicted as to whether or not it's that bad. I'd recommend it to fans, but not many others.

5: House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut: *Grindhouse Mode Activated* Motherfucking awesome fucking game made fucking longer. Oh, and you fucking play as a motherfucking stripper in a level! My one fucking complaint is that they fucking cut out one fucking song that is fucking funny.

Seriously, it's awesome.

I'll have some more articles up, including a first impression of Uncharted 3.

Brain Junkfood: Blood II: The Chosen

2011-10-28T20:26:00.004-04:00

Okay, so picture this: You're in a game developing studio in 1998. People are playing Quake and Unreal, and some are complaining about the resources the two engines use being too harsh on the systems they are supposed to be running on. Your studio has made a game using an engine that is fairly good, and doesn't use enough resources to slow systems down. You also have a successful FPS that used the Build engine known for Duke Nukem 3D. So, what do you do? You make a sequel to your old game, using your engine... then ramp the engine so people complain about it crashing their systems. If you think this is a brilliant strategy, then you must be Monolith, and you just made Blood II: The Chosen.

It's a shame to, that to this day, I still cannot get Blood II to work right on a computer. I got it as a birthday present and it crashed that computer so badly that my family had to replace it. It ran very slowly on our next PC. While it runs on the computer I'm using now, it still occasionally crashes when I do something the game doesn't like me doing... like burning a scientist alive with a flare gun. What makes it a shame is the fact that Blood II: The Chosen is my favorite PC game of all time. Part of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows it exists, but most of it has to do with fact that it is unrepentantly bloody, violent, and cheesy.

Blood was never meant to be serious, taking violence to an extreme, and pop culture references even further. Blood II does that, and adds some of the most bizarre enemies I've seen in a game ever. These include fire-breathing zombies with eyes in the mouths, spiders that make you dizzy, and flying human torso that spawns face grabbing worms. These are included with humans, zombies, and ninja-spiky-bug-monsters called Shikari, that spit acid at you.

The plot of the game is deceptively simple. You play Caleb, a Western outlaw who killed the dark god, Tchernobog, over 100 years ago for killing three of his friends, and fellow Chosen, and has been granted immortality. You're on a train when you hear on the loud speaker that a man named Gideon has taken control of the train, and is trying to kill you by crashing the train. Caleb goes on and chases him, which is actually Gideon wants.

He taunts with a Singularity Generator that would make the CERN Institute blush. Instead of sucking Caleb inside of it, it summons the Chosen one by one, starting with Gabriel... er, Gabriella. Yes, a character went through a sex change when being reincarnated. This confuses Caleb as much as it confused me when I first played the game.

One by one, the Chosen come back, the next being the Warlock, Ishmael. Ishmael explains that Caleb is now Tchernobog, and that if he continues to go after Gideon, he'll cause a tremendous interdimensional rift that will destroy all worlds. This makes crossing the streams seem like a minor annoyance, but Caleb doesn't listen. If Gabriel came back, though not whole, and Ishmael is back, what about the love of his Ophelia? Surely, she has to be alive, right?

Caleb chases Gideon through a Cabal (the cult in the game) security point, and finds Ophelia alive. Gideon takes her, though, and Caleb has to chase him to the roof of the Cabal Office building, where they fight until a portal opens up, and takes them all to the Other World. Gideon is transformed into a giant spider, and is killed. But, the portal needs to closed, which means Caleb needs to fight the Ancient One, aka Lava Cthulhu. After LC's defeat, the Chosen are trapped the Other World, forced to walk back to Earth.

The game doesn't end there, though. There's an expansion pack, and that's where things really get weird. The Chosen find marshmallows and hot dogs and have themselves a little scary story contest. Caleb starts with a flashback to the first game, talking about fighting in Antartica. The problem is that he vanishes and the Chosen don't know where.

Ophelia goes next, and that's when you find out that she used to be a sorority girl. That's the scary part. Ishmael, on the other hand, used to be JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy. Tired of having clumps of earth thrown at him, he kills every pistol wielding clown he sees...

Wait... pistol wielding clowns? What circus is this, the Heckler and Koch Three Ring Gun Circus? Why don't I know about this? It can't be worse than the Smith and Wesson du Soliel. Their sideshow was terrible. Ishmael manages to escape, only to be ambushed by three Behemoths. Behemoths are the hardest bosses in the game, taking every round of every weapon you have, and still living. Now, you have to fight three of them.

Gabriella tells a story about going to a spooky house. The worst things she fights are gremlins that flip her off. Caleb, in the meantime, goes back to his outlaw days, and kills monks and cultists. He then finds the creature that's causing this, the Nightmare, which feeds on terrifying memories. After defeating it, the Chosen continue their trek back home.

Blood II was one of the last games to put plot under game play. Story wasn't the game's main draw, it was the violence and the Army of Darkness jokes, and Caleb singing show tunes. Yes, a man that looks and sounds like a mix of Clint Eastwood and Zombie Billy the Kid is singing show tunes. Don't try to think about that, because your ears will bleed from it. I'm still regretting having to hear it.

You may be thinking, “Why do you like this game if it sounds like it's mindless violence, and is, by today's standards, terrible?” Let me put it this way: why do people still play Doom, a game with absolutely no story, then hate a game like Bodycount for the same reason they love Doom? Why do people want a realistic modern war shooter, then pan Medal of Honor, one of the only games to get anywhere near accurate with the military tactics, strategies, and equipment, and play Call of Duty, a game that scoffs at the thought of realism? Why do people call every brawler a God of War clone, despite the fact that God of War took the basic elements of Devil May Cry?

It all comes down to two things: taste and memory. I loved Blood II and Bodycount because they're mindless shooters that I can sit down and play. But, I also love my Bioshock and Crysis. I've served over six years in the Army, so I know how the military works and fights, while an average civilian may not. Believe me, the soldiers I've served with played CoD to escape reality. And God of War was a game that people were stunned by, because it came out of nowhere and was actually pretty damn good. In the sense that it came from behind, it surpassed the success of the game it based it's combat from.

Do yourself a favor, and find a game with no plot. It could be Angry Birds for all I care, but find one that is mindless fun, and see what mood you're in after you play it. You may find that getting bogged down in the story all the time isn't such a good idea when you want to have fun. I'd give you a list of games to check out, but that would ruin the fun of you searching for it. That, and I also have a House full of Dead that I have to Overkill.

Brain Junkfood: X-Men: Destiny

2011-09-30T13:15:00.003-04:00

As a comic book fan, it is very hard for me to say this: I have not read a good mainstream comic in years. Between Spider-Man making deals with the devil to Batman creating a personality for the "inevitable" day that he got dosed with weapons grade meth by his dead father, I have been pretty much jaded. That's not getting into Todd McFarlane's "Rip-Off-O-Rama" that is Spawn and Haunt, who are totally not the Darkness and Spider-Man at all.

Bizarrely, I have been liking the games made with these characters. Spider-Man: Web of Shadows and Shattered Dimensions were both a lot of fun, and Arkham Asylum is a classic. But, an X-Men game hasn't been made since the X-Men: Legends series. Here comes X-Men: Destiny to save the day. Did I say save? I meant ruin, much like a sudden arrival of Leroy Jenkins.

You play as one of three mutants who find out they have powers at a mutant/human peace rally/ love-in. Adrian is a human militant who finds out he has mutant powers. Grant in a football player who does the same. Aimi is a Japanese immigrant who, well... you get the idea. What's weird is that she knew that she was a mutant according to her back story, but she acts like she never knew until the game begins. You can choose your own powers, ranging from Density Control, Energy Projection, and Shadow Matter. In layman's terms, this means, "Turn into a rock, shoot balls of pain, and teleport and use imaginary weapons." The story plays out the same no matter which character you use, but with slightly different interactions.

For example, Grant hits on Emma Frost (who is an X-Man, for some reason) every five seconds, where Adrian back talks every mutant in a feeble attempt to seem tough. You do get to choose which side of the battle you want to be on, be it X-Men or Brotherhood of Mutants. You get to make this choice three times, as if the game thinks that the player is too stupid to remember which side they're playing. This is especially an insult to one's intelligence seeing as the game is four-hours long. If you can't remember a choice you made half an hour ago, this game will remind you that you're an idiot.

The plot isn't X-Men vs Brotherhood, though. Cyclops, taking over after Xavier's death by Bastion. He helps make peace with humans with the help of Luis Reyes, politician and leader of the MRD. "Magneto" attacks the rally, causing the two mutant factions to order you around, and point fingers at each other.

Yes, you, the mutant who just found out about your powers, is the go to guy for a possible outbreak of war. Instead of them fighting each other, they tell you what to do. Emma Frost guides you in the tutorial, with the last tip being how to smash through the floor. Her advice: "This should be an easy smash through for you!" They are a "Welcome to die!" short of a classic, here, but luckily, I haven't "fell to their trap."

As you meet up with mutants, you eventually find that the MRD is creating alliances with human militants and a group called the "U-Men" who can steal mutant powers and absorb them, and supplying them with Sentinel technology. This, of course, means that Reyes is the bad guy, but he's under the influence of Bastion. As far as bad guys go, Reyes is the dumbest. He makes robots, including a robot suit for himself, that Bastion can upload his personality into. He thinks, though, that he brainwashed Bastion so he can get human/mutant peace.

You read this right. He was working on creating peace, so he teams up with a killer robot to create said peace by starting a mutant war so he can have human/mutant peace, despite standing on the brink of having that peace. He ruins his own plan two create a war for peace. This isn't the only dumb thing he does, either. He makes a robot suit based on Bastion's design, and give Bastion a code to "spread his influence" all over the world. This means, Bastion designed a suit, with a download code to input it's "personality" into. Reyes gave Bastion exactly what he wanted, thinking that Bastion would help him out.

Oh, wait, there's more! Reyes knows that Bastion is evil, but thinks he brainwashed him. He thinks he brainwashed a machine. He didn't reprogram it, he brainwashed it. This is why he felt comfortable using a robot suit that Bastion designed. It doesn't explain the stupidity of his plan. Starting a war for peace that was just about to be achieved is about as dumb as writing a book about why you shouldn't read.

Reyes isn't the only one who does stupid things, either. Towards the end of the game, Magneto tells Cyclops that he will kill all of the X-Men. 20 minutes later, Magneto and Cyclops are working together on how to stop Bastion. Then again, writing an actual branching story line may have been too much work. All of the missions are the same, only changing the characters that help you in the mission. At one point, Juggernaut helps you out, and scolds you. When you tell him that you need to find the trail of a mutant before it gets cold, he starts talking about a rotting corpse, then says, "Bummer! Gotta go!" I almost miss, "I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!"

I know this is a little new for a Brain Junkfood, but it couldn't wait. This is the most nonsense game I've played in a while. This is including a game that took away my arms (looking at you, Dead Island)! How do you screw up X-Men like this? How hard is it to write a villain with actual motives? I'll tell you what, next time, we'll talk about a game with a villain with a seemingly dumb motive, but a better overall plan than Reyes. Can't be too hard, right? I just got to put on my trench coat and cowboy hat, and see that things get a little Bloody.

Brain Junkfood: Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child

2011-09-02T23:32:00.001-04:00

Well, well, well... what have we here? Another music based shooter game, eh? It can't be as insane as giving a rapper an arcade style third person shooter laced with psychic helicopters and evil evangelists. Hell, it can't be half as insane as freeing Aerosmith from a dictator who hates music, using a CD launcher. Nothing, I mean nothing, can be as insane as that.

How about Kiss fighting monsters caused by a nightmare circus from an other dimension guided by a gypsy fortune teller. Yeah... this... this... is... What the flying fuck? I mean, seriously, I wish I had dreamed this up, because this is too damn ridiculous to not make money. Too bad Todd McFarlane, the man with no original idea in his head (seriously named a mobster after a hockey player he didn't like, then denied it, as well as claiming to own a character after owning only the logos, among other bullshit he pulled), decided to use Kiss in a comic book (again), but this time, using a circus, after the album, Psycho Circus, was released. He then claimed he had the idea first. Will this guy never learn?

Anyway, Gathering of Developers, aka GOD Games, and Third Law made it into a game. Okay, sure, why not. It's not the most insane thing I've ever seen made into a game (and, yes, I will be doing this game as a future edition, it's too insane to pass up). And, figuring I found it for three bucks, why not see if it's as idiotically fun as I think it may be!

The intro is the first problem. Why does the gypsy sound like she's trying to pick you up? Did I dial 976-HOT-GYPS-YTALK by mistake? "I have cccccccallled mmmmmmmmany mmmmortals..." I guess that answers that question... ick. But, the true kick in the junk, as if you needed it not to work after the imagine of an old woman gypsy seducing you, is that you don't play as Kiss. You play as a Kiss tribute band, Wicked Jester. That's like getting an Elvis CD, only to find out that the songs are Justin Bieber covers. No one wants Bieber squeaking out "Hound Dog." No one.

No One!

Let's work around the fact that we won't see Gene Simmons fighting flying, bowling ball throwing clowns. Before you actually play the game, you have to choose which avatar will get all of his armor shards first. You're choices are the Starchild (Water), the Beast King (Earth), the Demon, (Fire), and the Celestial (Air)--

Hold the hell on. The Starchild and the Celestial. Celestial means of the sky, and stars are in the sky... they're the same damn thing! Starchild is water?! How? The only thing I can figure is "Fish Monger" didn't sound exactly intimidating. Anyway, the choice is pretty useless, because the game sets itself up in this order: Water, Earth, Air, Fire. If you go outside of that, chances are that you're not going to make it through the game in one piece. We'll get to that in a minute.

Every section of the game is pretty formula. Gypsy tells you a bit about the level, you kill everything, get armor shards to look like a Kiss member (but you still aren't one), then, once you have them all, kill the boss in the Circus. The first boss is a midget clown who throws exploding bowling pins. He has three stages, where he gets bigger and harder. A big, hard... clown. Yeah... The first stage isn't much, theme wise. For a "water" level, there's barely any water in them, and when there is, you're usually running from it.

The next area is earth. True to its element, there's a lot of earth in it, including caves and underground dwellings. It's also where we get our first real tough battle, seeing as "Chubby the Growing Clown" is really a push over. The strongman, however, has a habit of slamming his "two ton" fists on the ground, sending a shockwave towards you. Even he isn't as hard as the "Ballbuster." He has a cannon on his arm, and shoots a ball at you the knocks you off of platforms. Oh, and he's mostly bulletproof. Good thing he isn't claw proof!

I forgot to mention that each character has different melee and special weapons. Water has a sword, and a flying star that kills absolutely no one. Fire has an ax and a Dragon that hits nothing. Earth has claws... and a spear that only hurts people when it hits a wall. I might as well have a Francisca, and throw the fucking thing on the ground. Anyway, his boss is a minotaur that jumps around and charges at you. Once he's dead, we go to the air.

You start off running from everything because you have no armor. Yeah, in every section, you start with only 25 health until you get your gauntlets and first weapon. This is meaningless, seeing as you die in one hit anyway without your armor. Luckily, no one bothers attacking you, perfectly content to let you get your weapon and murder them. I was confused, but once I got my gauntlets, I knew why. Game... you sly trickster you.

You know the pattern of the special weapon being terrible and the melee being awesome? Air reverses that. His melee is a weak electrical current, and his special is a fucking blackhole generator. There's even a bug with the current, other than it doesn't kill anything. It sets your accuracy percentage to 0% every time you use it. Not only does it not kill anything, but it screws up your score (yes, you have a score). Luckily, you're blackhole kills everything you see.

The air levels follow their them, mainly taking you to the roofs of a city. Remember the Ballbusters? They're here, and they will knock you off of the roofs, killing you instantly. If you manage to get through, you'll go to the circus, and fight an organ grinder with a minigun. That's... that's just awesome. But the boss is a regenerating stiltman who heals by draining electricity by transformers. Uh... huh? How does that even attempt any semblance of sense. The clown, sure, a juggler. Minotaur, beast trainer. Electric stiltman... how does that figure? I guess it's because his head's in the clouds! You now, because he's the air element? Okay, not funny...

Finally, we get to fire. Fire is in a foundry and underground. Okay, core of the earth, makes sense... but why a subway station leading to the Frehley, Stanley, Criss, and Simmons? I get the joke, but not why it's a fire level, other than it being underground. Really loose connection to me. Anyway, you go to the circus and fight the ringleader. He has three stages, but is a push over. After he's dead, you choose who you want to play as to fight the Nightmare Child. I played as four people, then told to choose which one I want to finish the game with. Let's recap:

Starchild:
Water
Sword and A Star that does no damage

Beast King:
Earth
Claws and A Spear that hurts people when it hits nothing but a wall

Celestial:
Air
Useless electrical current and a blackhole gun

Demon:
Fire
An axe and dragon that shoots at an arc

I chose the Demon because of his badass ax. Then I ended up in a level made of flesh... and clown faces. I finally get to the last level only to find a wall of seeker shooting eyeballs. Twenty of then, no less. Once I blinded them, the Nightmare Child comes out, and it's comical. He looks like an alien baby with a mohawk, in medieval armor. My mind is officially blown. After his first stage, his head grows legs, and attacks you with fireballs. I fought a wall of eyes, an alien baby, and it's disembodied head, then get a sequence of the gypsy telling me to wake up because my dream is over. Yes, this was all a fucking dream. It gets better, because every monster in the game is watching you impersonate Kiss singing "God Gave Rock N Roll To You."

This game is weird, and a little buggy. Aside from the current weapon being utter shit, it does crash a few times, but that's it. It is a fun game, but strange as hell. I mean, who would have thought to have Kiss fighting demon clowns and floating brains that shoot heat rays at you? Are you telling me that I could have Rush in an FPS set in a bleak future, probably 2112, and have a hit? Wait... that would be awesome. Must write story for it...

Cinema Genesis: Captain America: Super Soldier

2011-08-23T19:18:00.000-04:00

Brace yourselves, people, we're talking about movie games today! What I'm about to say, though, may shock and frighten some of you, but trust me, I understand. It could always be worse, especially when the worst game I've played isn't a movie game, but a sequ... reboot? At least, this year. I can't tell if what may be the worst game I played last year may make a come back. I do have one question about them both, though: What's with terrible games having trophy pictures that are flipping the player off? Anyway, today, we're talking about a super hero. Oh, God, no, not that one! An actual hero, and not one who sold his marriage to the devil, and met the President (not in that order?) No, we're talking about Captain America: Super Soldier.

For those of you who saw the movie, you know that there was a lot of things skimmed over, such as Cap and his team destroying several Hydra bases. The game takes place in one of these missions, playing as Captain America as he shuts down AA guns, and destroys the Hydra base. It is a shallow plot, but it doesn't need to be Oscar material. All you need is Cap and Red Skull fighting, right? Well, you won't get that.

That's the first issue with Captain America's game. It takes a lot from Arkham Asylum, including combat, and adding crippling moves. But, you never fight anyone really menacing. You fight a guy with a robot arm called "The Satan Claw," a walking tank, and a robot with a TV inside it's stomach. All of them go down after punching the crap out of them, and then finishing them off. But, there's one boss in this game that pisses me off like no other boss: Madame Hydra.

There's a reason her boss battle pisses me off, and it isn't because it's hard. It's actually quite easy on paper. Reflect her bullets at her until she dies. By the time you get to her, you've reflected a lot of bullets, so it should be easy as cake. You're more wrong than Lex Luthor would ever yell. The timing changes every time she fires a shot. It gets even better, too, because she has a habit of running around in a circle, never stopping. The game is allegedly eight hours long. An hour and a half of it was fighting Madame Hydra because she keeps running around like the flash on speed. When she does stop, she looks at you as if she's tired of being in the game, then starts running again. Maybe, just maybe, if you're lucky, she'll remember she has to kill you.

These types of boss battles are tedious, not fun. I want to fight the boss on my terms, not when ever her lungs feel like collapsing. It's even worse once she's halfway dead, because then, she runs into other rooms, and you have to hunt her down. Apparently, this game became a Bambi Hunt. When you finally catch her, you have to do it all over again, this time, with her on the ground while bad guys fight you. You'll be able to punch her, but that doesn't hurt her much. You can try to throw your shield, but she belly dances, dodges it, then gets to hit you for free. Call me crazy, but, isn't that just a bit ridiculous? The whole game, you use your shield to fight. This boss avoids it like the plague, and you get hit because you did what the game has told you to do the entire time. It's like if an FPS punished you for shooting a guy who has a knife.

The bosses and enemies are cheesy. I mean, Power Rangers cheesy. You fight cosplay rejects at best and people dressed as cardboard robots at worst. It took me a while for me to realize that the guy with the metal jackhammer arm is the same as the guy with the shield. He has the same moves, only one uses a shield to smash the ground. Even the kill move is the same, involving the guy grabbing your arm, requiring you to bash a button to escape. It's a pain to see the same thing over and over again, but it's funny to watch Cap's face of, "Really? Again? I'm just going to wrench it out of your grip and punch you!" I swear I let some guys win out of pity.

It's not a bad game, though, for a movie game. The first half of it will keep a player entertained, but after that, you've seen what the game has to offer. The highlights wear thin quickly, and the lows are numerous, like the collectibles. There is a metric shitload of collectibles in this game for some reason. I understand the Zemo Diaries, the film reels, and dossiers. Why am I looking for ceramic eggs? Is Cap bolstering his own collection?

As far as movie based games go, it's pretty good. If it were any other type of game, I'd be crying in my sleep. Luckily, I have another movie game to do that with...