The Wondering Witch

National Coming Out Day

2015-10-11T15:40:00.001-04:00

I haven't really posted much in here. Not for a couple of years. But today, I'm using this forum to come out on a few things about myself. I do this because today is Nation Coming Out Day.

I'm panromantic, asexual and gender fluid.

What does that mean, you ask? Let me break it down in a couple of categories.

Image provide by http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/

First you have gender fluid. It's a gender identity. It means that my own gender seems to fluctuate. Sometimes I feel like a woman. Sometimes I feel like a man. Most of the time however I either feel like both, or neither. I don't feel like I fit into one other the other. This means for me, I prefer the pronoun 'they' and any other gender neutral titles and (pro)nouns what would explain my relationship to others.

Next is orientation. This is where the asexual comes into play. I'm, for the most part, asexual. This means I don't experience sexual attraction. This doesn't mean I haven't had sex, or never will, nor does it mean that I don't masturbate. It doesn't mean I can't think some person is hot (that's aesthetic attraction). What it means is I have no desire to have sexual relations with anyone. Being asexual also doesn't mean that I'm not interested in having a romantic relationship. I do in fact would like to spend my life with someone out there. And by someone, I mean anyone. This is where the panromantic comes to play.

Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean that we never want to get married or have kids or what not. That is why there is romantic attraction. I am panromantic. This means gender and sex is not a factor in my attraction toward someone. The person could be a man or woman, trans or cis, agender, trigender, intersex, ect. I don't care what is between their legs or in their heart and mind. I could fall in love with or crush anyone.

This is who I am. All I ask is that you accept me and not invalidate my identity.

I've listed some websites at the bottom for any inquiries you have.

It's Pronounced Metrosexual's Comprehensive List of LGBTQA Terms & Definitions
Gender Queer Identities
AVEN (Asexualtiy Visibility & Education Network)

Almost a Year and Still in Doubt

2012-08-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

It's been almost a year since I have posted here last. I had been meaning to do so for a while, but kept putting it off. It's been a rough year for me inwardly as I had struggled with my depression and anxiety issues. Good self esteem and confidence have always seem another step away as I go on this entire year continuing to discover who I really am.

As I decided that I wanted to open up a new age/occult shop, I kept becoming distracted by the sweet melody of MMORPG games or some new show. It was as if I was destined to dream but never act. Always coming up with new ideas, but never actually implementing them. I do not really know how much longer I can keep with the dance of never actually completing a project, but I do know that if I ever want to succeed any any of my schemes, I would need to actually take a leap of faith and go for it. But doubt is an addiction. I know you would find it odd for me to call it that, but doubt is the perfect excuse for me to be lazy and not put into action an idea I have worked so hard to formulate.

I feel unsure of exactly why taking the next step is so hard for me. I guess staying on this end, planning without taking a risk is safer. I am less likely to fail because I never give myself that chance to do so. I have a hard time dealing with fear. It's an emotion that can severely cripple me. I guess you would say doubt also keeps me safe.

I don't know who all reads this. Because it has been so long since I posted, I do not have many followers anymore. But for those who do, or stumble up on this post, I would appreciate it if you could tell me if you have had a moment where you were completely crippled with self doubt. And if you were, what did you do to get over it or do have you not jumped over that hurdle like me?

Two Twins

2011-09-11T11:43:00.001-04:00

This is a poem I wrote about ten years ago the night after I heard about WTC. I found it appropriate to post this.

I know I'm a day late. Ended up forgetting.

Two Twins

Two brothers, twins, burn by terrorizing fury
Ashes and ashes, they fall and people do they bury
As families unite by this passion to hate
Anger and weariness does our hearts create
And now we stand here, lost and thursty for revenge
A thurst never to be quinched

The snow falls on this family's battlefield
Where worldly neighbors aid them without yield

Another day is gone But not our sun
It's light will forever shine
Over this family of thine

Another family member is injured by means of fire
And now the family does their hearts desire
To let their tears fall as did their loved ones
More vengence do they long
The family member hurt is the family's protector
But injury only made him stronger

The snow falls on this family's battlefield
Where worldly neighbors aid them without yield

Another day is gone But not our sun
It's light will forever shine
Over this family of thine

Another day goes by
And still this family will rise high
To the touch the heavenly sky

Where's my Morals?

2011-08-28T09:04:00.000-04:00

Morals. They define who we are and guide us between what is right and wrong. However I feel like this word had been tainted by fear and control.

Now we have gone a long way of changing our ideas of the perfect nuclear family, the mom and dad with two kids and a dog. But there are times when if find that people still seem to think that because someone else says it's wrong that it is.

I'm mostly talking about same sex couples. But not just them, some people still think that interracial or interreligious couple are wrong. But to be honest, who are they hurting? Who exactly are they causing harm? Some answer that the threaten the moral value of family.

How?

Same sex couples they say they can't procreate.

So? Let them adopt. There are plenty of state children needing a home.

Because gays are not fit to raise children.

Not fit to raise a child? What about the idiot heterosexual couple leaving their child in the back of a car in the middle of 90 degree weather while they get drunk in a strip club?!

It boggles my mind that those kind of people can procreate and have children, but a loving and caring same sex parents cannot adopt a child in need of a safe home because it's "immoral". This kind of thinking is depriving children of wonderful and caring guardians. Sexual preference should NOT be a deciding factor for a potential parents.

I'm ALIVE!

2011-08-28T08:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, the fact that I haven't posted in a LONG time, suggests that I'm not exactly adhering to my commitment to post here at least once a week. I'm a little angry at myself but here we go again. Gotta keep my mind on the positive.

So here I am again, revisiting a commitment and with no idea what to write about right now. ^^; I have a few posts that were started but never finished. Maybe I'll finish them and post one of them. ^^

Symbols Part Three: The Ankh

2011-06-08T08:30:00.001-04:00

Ankh literally means 'life'. All life. Earthly, spiritual and even underworldly. It is an ancient Egyptian symbol that is so old, many scholars are not sure of when or where it came from. Whether from a the shape of a sandal strap or that it is the rising sun, the loop being the sun, the horizontal bar the horizon and the vertical bar the sun's path, or even the Nile.

On walls of tombs, many gods are depicted feeding pharaohs an ankh, giving it the sub meaning, 'breath of life'. It is also said to be a gateway between this realm and to the Underworld. It unifies the male and female, through the loop (Sun, which is masculine) and horizontal bar (Earth, which is feminine), or through the cross being male and the loop being female. Mirrors, which are also doors to the otherside, were made in the shape of an ankh.

Today, the ankh has other meanings. Power, sacredness and truth are all modern meanings to this symbol. To me the ankh represents spiritual power and the gateway to the inner self. The symbol itself looks like a person, the loop being the head, the horizontal bar the arms and the vertical bar the legs. And the loop even looks like it could show another world inside it.

It is also a symbol of protection for me.

Symbols Part Two: The Caduceus

2011-06-07T09:41:00.001-04:00

The Caduceus is a rod or staff with a knobbed top, a pair of sprouted wings and two serpents weaved around the staff. It is often mistaken with the rod of Asclepius, a staff with a single serpent wrapped around it representing Asclepius, Greek god of medicine and healing and son of Apollo. Because of this, the Caduceus is used in the medical and pharmaceutical fields. But it represents Hermes, the Messenger God and a patron of travelers, merchants and thieves.

There are stories behind the Caduceus. The one story is where Hermes stole some of Apollo's sacred cattle. To appease for what he did, Hermes fashioned a lyre. Apollo, in awe of the lyre, traded Hermes his staff. Another is one where Hermes had found two intertwined snakes, battling each other. He took his staff and drove in between the two snakes and brought peace between them.

Through the months in preparation on my tattoo, in which is now the Caduceus on my back, I did research in finding the meaning of this symbol has it has popped up a few times in meditations, along with the Ankh and the Blood (or Knot) of Isis. During that time I also broke down the Caduceus into the parts that make up it.

The Rod first and foremost is a phallic symbol. Being masculine, it then would represent action and passion. Rods, or wands, in Tarot mean the same thing and are associated with Fire, which is also masculine. In Wicca, wands are used to direct energy.
The Wings are commonly symbolized for spirituality, creativity and thought, all attributes for Air. Air is also masculine and is of action and logic.

The Snake in Christianity is associated with evil and trickery, temptation. It was a Serpent that convinced Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge and a snake that tried to tempt Jesus. But symbolism for the serpent has bee around longer than those tales. The serpent is wise and cunning and guards with unwavering attentiveness. The Serpent also holds the key to life and death as it's poison can kill or cure.

Putting this all together, to me, the Caduceus is a symbol of wisdom and knowledge. It a message to me of spiritual and energy healing. It is my Guardian.

Symbols Part One: The Goal

2011-06-06T08:30:00.006-04:00

Been feeling like I have no idea what to write here anymore. I forgot how sometimes sharing can be the hardest thing for me. Communication has always been difficult for me.

But then last night I thought of doing a series of posts that goes through different symbols in Paganism as well as other religions and spiritual paths and describing their meanings, and then meditate on the meaning of the symbol to me and post my findings.

Tomorrow I will start with the Caduceus.

I hope this will help me some up with other thing to write about.

Self Love

2011-06-04T12:49:00.001-04:00

I was told once by a woman, a customer of mine, how she felt so much better once she took Jesus into her heart. This made me think. Who is Jesus really? He is different for every person. To me, Jesus was a good man with the right type of thinking, with followers who had the wrong idea for the right reasons. Over time, those reasons became obscure and became power and control. That is just how I believe on this matter. Why would any religion be so keen on a non-believer to convert?

I think in a manner of way I to carry Jesus in my heart. Or at least try to. I just refer him to love. Isn't that what he was supposed to be about? Love? Now I'm not just talking about romantic or familiar or even through friendship. I think it mostly pertains to self love. Self acceptance. Because let's face it, do you really love yourself? Completely and unconditionally?

I know I don't completely. But I want to and I'm trying to. To love yourself is more difficult than to love another in my opinion. I love my family. I love my friends. But I still don't love myself completely.

I also remember a story of his I heard at a bible study group back when I was a teenager still trying to find my path. It was a story about how three were given gold. The first spent it all. The second buried it, and the third invested it. Only the third got more out of his gold than the first two brothers. It's a story about gifts and how we should share them with others and the world.

People say that singing is my gift. But that is difficult for me to share, but not at the same time. Sometimes I'm too shy and sometimes I'm searching for acceptance. Again, loving myself comes into play with that.

I guess everything comes down to love, which in my belief is the Divine. Unconditional love.

De"man"ing the Creeper

2011-06-03T09:11:00.001-04:00

So yesterday my roomie took her kitten, Creeper is his name (from "There is a kitten on your butt!"), to get fixed, or as she calls it "his balls getting chopped off". This morning we left at about 6:45 to take a 20 minute drive down to the clinic to pick him up.

Well I had to go down south on the interstate, and I knew that, but apparently my brain had other plans and instead of taking the belt east to get to the interstate, I went west. I thought of turning around, but since my he navigation program on my phone just told me to keep going for a couple of miles I went ahead. I figured, what the hell? I'll go this way.

Yea. Needless to day, not only did it add about ten minutes to the drive, but the route had me doing a HUGE loop around to get on to the interstate. It would have taking less time to have turned around.

But we got there and Creeper was perfectly fine. The lady who went to get him for use said she had to make sure he was still in the carrier since he was so tiny. And yes, he is tiny, but will grow up to be HUGE.

My roomie took Creepy and put him int he car and while we were sitting there as I tried to get directions back up onto the interstate, Creeper started mewing up a storm. So my roomie decided to give him his pain meds as I was trying to get my phone to work. When let him out of the carrier, he immediately started to purr and rub against her hand and lick. But he was a good boy and went back in the carrier without too much of a fuss and we went on are way back home.

Ir was an amusing drive because Creeper was completely fine went we were moving, but once we stopped at lights or to get gas, he would mew and mew and mew. Poor thing.

After we got home, he start jumping and playing as if nothing was wrong. Spork, their older cat, seems to be unsure about Creeper. Creeper knew who she was and proceeded to play with her. To Spork, it was a strange cat attacking. She hissed and batted at him instead of the usually play back. She was not amused. ^^;

An Epiphany of Enlightenment

2011-06-02T11:13:00.001-04:00

A moment of being. An epiphany. My mother calls it an "Ah ha!" moment. Whatever term you use or make up, those moments have helped me see the world, or myself, in a different view. Many of which happened in my more recent years. Such as a moment at one of my great uncles' funeral, where I learned the connection of death between us all and how it is only just the last great journey in our short lives. With such a short time to fill that indiscriminate void in our hearts and souls, a women came to me about Jesus, giving me another epiphany. She said that Jesus was inside her. I remember thinking that I had found "Jesus," though I use a different term. Gaia. Earth. Be it God, Allah, Jesus, Mother Earth or even the "Force," to me those terms were all synonyms to each other. But the one moment of being that pops most in my head was when I was much younger.

During my earlier years in elementary school, I was ignorant when it came to other spiritual ideas, beliefs and religions. The only thing I "knew" was that God created us and all nature around us. Basically everything you learn in bible school. But during that time, I stood by my bedroom window and pointed out to the sun. "The Sun is God," came a thought in my head. Then I lowered my finger to the ground below me and another thought came to head, "The Earth is His wife, our Mother." It did not occur to me until later on that this was a basic belief in the ancient Celtic religions, such as Druidism. I only learned this through research into finding my true spiritual path.

That moment of being, that "Ah ha!" moment, has opened my eyes to my own intuition. It allowed that intuition to guide me spiritually and help me better myself. May future moments of being bring me further down my spiritual path and give me more insight to my higher being.

My Digital Crack

2011-06-01T15:16:00.000-04:00

Sorry, been preoccupied with my 'crack', City of Heroes. It's a multi mass online role play game, aka MMORPG. It's super hero themed. I like it. I can play a hero, a villain, or something in between.

And yes, I called it my crack.

City of Heroes, or mmos in general are an addiction for me. It mostly was World of Warcraft (WoW), which some of you might actually have heard of it. Then I found City of Heroes (CoH). I used to play both of them at one point, but soon had to quit one and just play the other because I can't afford paying for both of them.

For a while there it was just WoW. Got my main up to the highest level. Then got tired of it really fast. I don't like doing the same thing everyday. I like variety. And it was hard to play with my friends because they were doing what I was bored of. So I switch back to CoH, because in CoH, I can feed my ADD tendencies where I make a new type of character that I haven't played before. In WoW, you have only so many classes, which are limited by race, and there 14 to chose from, seven on each faction.

Now with CoH, There may be less options on archetypes (class) or origins (race), but after you chose those, you have numerous power combinations. And after that, your missions vary depending on what you are doing or who you chose as a contact. In WoW, almost ALL quests (missions) are available to all in the faction.

Sorry that thise probably goes way over your head, and sorry I haven't been posting anything. I kinda let two days pass by rather quickly thanks to CoH. ^^; I tend to write my posts at night and put them on a scheduled post, but the past couple of nights I've been WAY too tired to do anything.

If you do play City of Heroes, or want interested in it, let me know.

Six Breasted Dream

2011-05-30T08:30:00.022-04:00

I had a dream last night of myself getting a few new piercing. One in my nose, one in my lip, one in my navel and six nipple piercings. You read right. SIX. Not three on each one mind you. In the dream I had six breasts. my friend and roommate was in the dream and thought all my piercings were awesome.

I told my friend and she told me to go look up more information.

So I did and found out that there is a temple in Ephesus that dates back to the bronze age. This temple is famously known as the Temple of Artemis, or the Temple of Diana. There is a statue inside of a multi-breasted goddess. She is also highly associated with the mother goddess, which makes more since.

I did more research and found that these were mistaken as breasts, but are just pieces of her necklace or dress.

I found another goddess who is said to have multiple breasts: the Inca goddess Mama Allpa. She a fertility goddess.

"The harvest and earth goddess from Inca mythology. She was usually portrayed with many breasts, which indicates fertility and the nourishing powers of the earth." "Mama Allpa." Encyclopedia Mythica from Encyclopedia Mythica Online. <http://www.pantheon.org/articles/m/mama_allpa.html> [Accessed May 29, 2011].

In my deity book, she is comparable to Mama Nono, a Carib earth goddess, as well as Artemis and Ishtar.

I'm going to have to do more research in a library on Mama Allpa. I'll try possibly Tuesday.

Passive Agressive Ignorance

2011-05-29T08:30:00.008-04:00

GRR!! While I appreciate these people actually acknowledge that Wiccans don't knowingly worship the devil, they still seem to think that we do unknowingly. I'm a little appalled at how they write about Wiccans. Some things they have right. Most are wrong. And they do this don't insult these deceived people who don't realize the forces they call upon are demonic. Seriously?!

Wiccan's are nature based, and to us Nature is God. Nature is Divine. The forces we call upon are the forces of the Divine. Christian used similar mysticism in their practices. This website aggravates me because they are so hypocritical in their words. They say not to try and convert us but then say to in another sentence.

What aggravates me as well is it's obvious that most of their information that comes from Wiccans are from fluffy bunnies. A fluffy bunny in the Pagan society is someone who is not truly serious in the spirituality of Wicca and Paganism. See here for more details.

“The further you get into Wicca, the further you will move into darkness. The further you move into darkness, the more hostile you may become to Christianity, the idea of the cross and its sacrifice, etc. Oftentimes those who are involved in occult practices develop an attraction for dark things, the nighttime, skulls, various forms of rebellion, dark clothing, and a desire for power. These things are the fingerprints of the enemy that gradually overtake a person involved in occult practices. Have you been touched by the enemy? Do you desire these things? If so, have you been touched by the darkness?”

First off. There is NOTHING evil about darkness. Darkness is the unknown. Darkness is our animal instincts and desires. Darkness is intuitive. Darkness helps keep us in balance. There is nothing wrong with nighttime. Not with dark clothing, but not all Wiccan wear dark clothing and not all who where dark clothing are Wiccan.

“The reason the Bible forbids witchcraft is because the power that comes through the incantations and spells are derived from demonic forces, not from God.”

The line “Thou shall not suffer a witch to live.” First and for most, the bible has gone through SO many translations, and so exact words really shouldn't be taken literal. And also, though my own studies, the work 'witch' was originally 'sorcerer', in which back in those times, meant 'murder through poisoning', NOT a mysticism.

Also Occult does not mean evil or demonic. It actually means 'mystery'.

I went and looked at the Islam page and was more disturbed when I looked at their 'Muslims, pleas read this first' page. Not because it was worse. No, all they did was basically say that they apologize for anything that may be incorrect. But on the “Wiccans, please read this first' page, they say is that we unknowingly are in contact with evil.

“How do you know that what you are contacting is good or bad? What standard do you have by which you can judge whether or not the results you are getting are from the God and Goddess or are instead from some demonic forces that impersonate various deities in order to deceive you?”

How do we know? Because the forces we use are neither good nor evil. It's like saying a sword is bad. Now a Sword can be if used to kill others in cold blood, but what about in self or familial defense? Is it truly evil, completely evil, to use a weapon in defense of your own life or the life of a loved one.

I do believe that there are beings out their that create chaos and such, but chaos is not completely bad. It is necessary for change. It is natural. Just as order is. That is what Wiccan believe. Balance between opposites. Yin and Yang. It's law of nature. And Nature is what again? Nature is Divine. Nature is God.

Just because we celebrate both aspects of the Divine and not one does not make us unknowingly celebrating evil.

Moms' are "Buts"

2011-05-28T08:30:00.002-04:00

So, a couple of interesting things happened yesterday. Basically, money has been scarce for me. Luckily I have a great mom who helps out. I was needing just an extra 50 buck to pay off my bills before I got paid again. so I asked her if if I can borrow 50 buck, I do plan on returning the money back to her, whether she likes it or not. I feel bad because she helped me out on dental visits because i have no insurance, but I knew things would be worse if I didn't ask, because she'd be all worried and stressed out.

Anyways, I asked her for some money, and she told me that she always pull out forty bucks for herself, but today, she didn't know why but she felt like getting more out, for no reason at all. To me, the fates were telling her to pull out more to help me out just a bit. That or for some reason I think I might have had a hand in it magically. I don't know, but I do know is mom knew I needed the money of a subconscious level.

After that, I started to say something, I can't remember what it was, but thanks my communication issues, I said, "You're a.....um....a....but....."

My mom looked at him for a moment and teasingly said, "Did you just call me a 'butt'? After me giving you money?"

I started laughing, but problem was...smiling hurts my non-existent tooth. My jaw is sore, so it hurt to laugh. I told her her she shouldn't make me laugh.

She laughed. "Good! Maybe you'll think twice before calling me a 'butt'."

She knew what I meant, and it made that time all more amusing.

Pulled tooth

2011-05-27T12:11:00.001-04:00

Got my tooth pulled yesterday. Been laying around most of the time so that is why I don't really have a post until now. Couldn't come up with anything. I'll come up with something tomorrow. Right now I'm still in a little pain from the gaping hole in my gums.

Horror of Life without Love

2011-05-26T08:30:00.000-04:00

the Horror of Life without Love.

the Love that Blossoms

Within the Soul

to Fill the World

with Unimaginable Joy

the Horror of Life without Love

the Love that Brings

One of Wealth and One of Need

Together

Eccetra, Eccetra

the Horror of Life: Hate

Hate that which is caused by
Fear that which is caused by
Ignorance and Stupidity.

we Hate what we Fear.
we Fear what we Don't Know.
Why don't we Know?
because we Choose Not to.

it's Easier to Hate
than to Learn to Love.

Wanted to share this poem I wrote several yeas ago. Hope you like it.

Nameste Meditation

2011-05-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

I did what a friend suggested that I do and meditate with a specific track. I realized that I did do this meditation when I went with her and her husband to Ocracoke. When I had this meditation (last night's and the Ocracoke one), the inner self that greeted me didn't look quite like me. First off she was skinny and her hair was down to her knees and very curly. She wore a white dress and veil over her head. she also bore a deer mask with antlers.

The thing is I knew was me, but she looked nothing like me save the dark brown hair. And no matter how hard I tried to do this meditation last night without the influence of the one in Ocracoke, I couldn't. When the guy in the meditation said that a figure walk up to me, that was who I saw.

I can't tell if it was just the influence of the last meditation, or if it she is my inner self. I don't mind, she was beautiful. She was someone that I wanted to look like. Someone I wanted to be.

Tell me what you think.

Self Evaluation

2011-05-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I received my Annual Performance Review at where I work. The past fall, we were required to fill out a self evaluation. These self evaluations are very difficult for me because I have to correct, and my assumptions of myself rarely are until I see an example. Needless to say I was very nervous coming down to the office. I entered and we started with the overview of my evaluation.

There were three main things that I need to work on. One of which I have been, which is coming to work on time. I had some issues with oversleeping for a while, but so far I've haven't been more than just a couple minutes late. Usually I'm at the most, fifteen minutes early, and on rare occasion 20-30 minutes early. The other two I knew I needed to work on, but didn't realize how much it actually affected my job performance.

The first is my aloofness. I lack focus. I know where that comes from. I suffer from ADD, but that does not completely excuse it. However, just as I was writing this, my ind wondered off on to a different tangent. It's kind of aggravating at times how distracted I can be. I know now that I need to work harder at keeping myself in focus.

The second is my complete lack of confidence in myself. I'm unsure all the time. I guess part of it is habit of trying not to lie. Too many times in my life I've been certain of something, only to be completely wrong. Plus, I don't really have any self-esteem. I hate how fat I am. I hate how lazy and so overwhelmed by just the simple thing of picking myself up. Part of this I think is due to the fact that I hardly ever had friends and constantly teased because I liked cartoons (it was actually anime and many of those who teased me probably at least watch some anime show when they became very popular), or because I wore pants with a skirt because I didn't want to worry about some guy looking up this skirt (and it was WAY short for school dress code, but I loved it anyways, and turns out it was in style for a bit a year later). This part I know frustrates my roommates. One of them has told me on several occasions. But for those who know what it's like, having no self-esteem, with depression, and severe and social anxiety disorder, it's difficult, VERY difficult, to get out of that cycle. But I know it's not impossible (Single Dad Laughing has many posts about many things that can bring a person down. His blog has helped me come to terms with issues I never realized I had.).

So, I have some ideas on what to do to help me be not only a better worker, but feel like a better person. First, with permission (that I'm most likely gonna get), I'm going to keep a small pen or pencil and a small pocket sized notepad with me. This is to jot down the list of things I need to do. I'm hoping that writing them down will help me not only remember them, but stay focused on the job. Second, I'm going to stop saying 'try', 'maybe', 'possibly' or any other word that is unsure. If I know it works, I will say it will work. The only time I'm allowed to say it is if I am going to ask for a manager if it is okay or what not. Also, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I'm going to tell myself that I'm beautiful and sexy. And I'm going to remind myself I have been called beautiful and sexy.

I'm also going to start meditating every day. I'm at least gonna go through one particular guided meditation that has affirmations in it. Not only will it help with my confidant issues, but it will help with focus. To keep myself doing this, I'm going to do it before I start typing on this so that I can make an ending to each post where I will record anything that I noticed about myself, even if I put down something short and boring.

~~{@}~~

I would appreciate that anyone who reads this to comment on my posts. Tell me what you think. Even if it's encouragement. Please if you have any suggestions on any other tactics I can use to help me achieve these two goals, leave a comment.

Yes, I'm a witch. And I'm proud of it!

2011-05-23T10:19:00.002-04:00

Not much to say today. Been rather lethargic and depressed the past couple of days. Things like this happen to me. But I think I might introduce myself a bit more in this post.

I was born on a Friday at exactly 5:30 in the evening. It was the Day of the Dead, which giving when I was born, explains a lot about my own personality. I was born into a Methodist family with several great uncles who were pastors, one of them only alive today. I grew up without a father, but not because I was unwanted. My father had sadly passed away when I was about two years old. So with that, I was raised by my mother, but had a grandfather and two local uncles who helped fill in the father figure gap in their own distinct ways.

I had a rather rough childhood, socially wise. I never really had many friends, and was consistently kept inside during recess because I never did my homework. Through out my school career I never did my homework because, as I realize now, I learn best through my own experiences, not through the experiences of others. I also like to learn things at my own pace and when I'm interested in it. Now that doesn't mean I'm unaware of my lack of discipline. On the contrary, I do. Which is why I thought the best way to keep me focused on something on a daily basis is making a blog. If I can get it so that I can make myself post EVERY day, even if I don't want to, I thoroughly believe that I will be able to get myself to do other things, but I know I'm rather aloof about my priorities and need some structure in my life.

I am pagan and I am proud to be so. I've always believed in more than one god, even when all I knew was Christianity. I remember when I was really little that one day I had looked out my window in some kind of innocent contemplation. I had pointed to the sky and said, "God is up in the sky," then pointed down to the Earth below me, "and his wife, our Mother, is the Earth." It wasn't until years later, in the begin of my legal years, did I realize that what I believed was one of the fundamental beliefs in paganism. The duality of the Divine. So in that, I pursued my spiritual path.

As you have noticed by now, I do practice witchcraft, or mysticism. But I'm not evil, nor do I worship the Devil/Satan (you'd first have to be Christian to believe in them, and I'm not). And it is my belief that everyone, to some degree, has practiced magic. It is to have influence over energies and to change them. If you ever pictured in your mind something that you really wanted, and you ended up getting, then you've practiced magic.

I know you probably think it's taboo to share your beliefs, but I'm not trying to convert you or anything like that. I just want to share who I am, and being pagan, being a witch, is who I am. Plus if I'm going to be talking about philosophical and spiritual ideas, I think it's important for you to know where I come from.

Trust me when I say, I've tried many different faiths and not fit me as much as what I believe now. It's kind of frustrating that many faiths have you working toward divinity, when I believe you are already divine. Each and everyone of you. And not just you and everyone, but everything. This is what I've learned from walking my path. The divine is everywhere. God is everywhere.

I do use the term God, even if I am pagan. It makes it easier for mt explain things to some people, but also to me, the God and the Goddess are two halves of a whole. I use it interchangeably with the Divine and with love. Because God is love. God is the divine. And if we are divine, then we are God and God is everywhere.

But now I'm guessing I'm being preaching, which I promised myself I wouldn't do. I just wanted to let you know that this is where I come from.

Blessed Be.

Lost blog post

2011-05-22T01:58:00.003-04:00

I had a post for today, well yesterday, up and some how I think I accidentally deleted it. I wish I had saved it somewhere but I have no idea where or how to recover it so I'm just not gonna repose it. So I'm jsut gonna just say, Thank you Blogger for making this so confusing on you mobile app, that I start deleted posts that I think are just drafts and not the ACTUAL POST. Night all.

Edit: HAHA!!! Found it in my browser history! Thank you Blogger Tips and Tricks! It's now the post below this.

Cleopatra: An icon of female confidence and power.

2011-05-21T00:11:00.015-04:00

At least for me she is. Last night I went to the Cleopatra Exhibit at the Cincinnati Museum Center with a group of fellow pagans. Through out the exhibit, it was told that many thought Cleopatra to be some kind of scandalous woman who used men to gain power. Maybe that is true, but to be honest, that is not how I feel she represents.

To me, as the title of this post present, confidence and power. But she also represents the balance of both male and female energies. She is both wise and patient, but also she knows to take action when it is due. Also, when walking through that exhibit, I realized that not only did she seem like a balance in male and female, but also a balance between Rome and Egypt.

Cleopatra was of Greek decent, but she was the only one of her family that ruled over Egypt, that bothered to learn Egyptian. It was said that she was loved by the Egyptian people because she combined the Roman/Greek gods with the Egyptian. She seemed to hold the balance between both cultures.

Walking through the exhibit, I was still amazed but her own power. Even so many centuries after her death, I could still feel that power in the exhibit and some nagging pull in my memory. There was the large "Naos of Decades" that was said to be the only know record of it's own version of the creation myth. This piece felt very familiar to me. It gave me almost a nostalgic feeling. The energy emitting form it did also feel quite heavy, and my roommate who came with me said she though it felt angry. The "Naos of Decades" is in three pieces, the top piece is on loan from the Louvre, one piece found in 1940 and the other in 1999. When I read the description, I could see why it felt angry. It said that it had been deliberately broke into pieces by Christians. I felt a bit sad, but was not surprised. During the conversion to Christianity in Rome, many pagan symbols, statues and temples where destroyed or altered.

There was also another artifact that stuck out in my mind. It was because of how well preserved it was. It was a ring with white and black stone inlay. A beautiful piece that looked as if it was crafted recently and something that I would have worn.

Once we went through the exhibit, we walked into the museum store. I knew I couldn't spend that much, but I found a pewter Anubis dog statue. He was discounted because the poor thing was missing an ear. So I decided to get him because I felt a) he needed a home and b) something about this particular statue drew me in (and it was not because his price, though that did allow me to afford him). I also got a pair of gold snake earrings and for giggles an Ankh tattoo (temporary mind you). My roommate and I also each got a sheet of paper with our names written in hieroglyphics.

But all in all. I did have a good time at the exhibit, and hope to actually visit again, possibly with my mom. I'm sorry for only having pictures outside of the exhibit, but there was no photography allowed inside.

---

P.S. The eye on my logo was inspired by the one for the exhibit, but he eye is mine, just with some color enhancements and filter. My eyes are brown, but look like dark honey when where certain colours of makeup.

"There is a kitten on your butt!"

2011-05-20T17:39:00.004-04:00

Okay. I know this is not very spiritual or anything like that, but as I was just futzing around waiting to leave to go to the Cleopatra Exhibit, I ventured out of my room and to much of my amusement, saw my roomie's new kitten laying down, sleeping, between her butt cheeks.

I spoke to my roommate, "You have a kitten on your butt!"

She just stared up at me with a grin and said, "Yep."

So grabbed my phone to take a couple of pictures. I was afraid the cat might move before I could get a good shot, but after a couple I realized that he was dead to the world once again. (when he falls asleep, you can pick up his paw and let it plop down without so much as a twitch from him.)

It made me think of all the strange places cats will sleep. My roommates' other cat, Spork (this tiny kitten doesn't have a name yet, we just call him Crash), has a tendency of sleeping, or laying, on anything of importance to us. For example: cell phones, remotes, photos that I have strewn out as I re arrange my albums. Crash on the other hand, he likes sleeping on US. The problem with that is he is gonna be a BIG kitty. We are talking about those dog cats. HUGE!

Before living with my current roommates, I lived with someone who had a cat that slept in the bathroom sink. Yes, the bathroom sink. Hm, that makes me think of that Mean Kitty music video on youtube......

Anyhoo. I just wonder if these cats realize how much their choices of where to sleep amuses their owners. Thought I share and for anyone who reads this, lay a comment on some weird place you have found you kitty. Love to hear it.

Tomorrow I'm gonna post about my trip to the Cleopatra Exhibit.

I am a Persephone.

2011-05-19T00:57:00.003-04:00

The other day I found this Goddess Archetype Quiz. It peeked my interest so I decided to try it out. It took awhile to fill out (I wish the woman who made it learned out to do forms. It might have made things easier on the the quiz taker), but when I got my results, I was a bit surprised at how accurate it was to me.

These were my results:

Hera (-4) >Issues of Power< Persephone (34)

Demeter (13) >Issues of Relatedness< Aphrodite (17)

Athena (11) >Issues of Purpose< Artemis (9)

Hestia (8)

Yep, my highest score was Persephone, Goddess of the Underworld. Everything else seemed to be quite even.

So I went to check the description for Persephone. For anyone who knows me, knows personally knows that this is me. I may have gave you a link, but I'm going to copy and paste bits of the description and comment.

Typically, Persephone woman possesses a youthful face at any age. (Many people don't believe that I'm even old enough to drink, let alone be 26.)
She is a pleaser type whose tendency is not inclined toward assertive directness. (Yep, gotta make EVERYONE happy, at the cost of my own.)
She is responsiveness to the needs of others - has difficulty saying ‘no’ --difficulty recognizing and asserting her own boundaries. (see above comment)
Musing and intuitive nature rather than intellectual mind - difficulty ‘explaining’ her reasoning as it is an intuitive perception. (THAT hit's on the nail. I always have communication issues. I never seem to be able to express my thoughts accurately.)
Less at ease with/in her body & sexuality than other goddess types (I have body image issues. T.T)
Strong connection to spirit - deep ambivalence toward outer world & her sense of being misunderstood & alienated from conventional society
A primarily Persephone type, keenly sensitive, typically possesses a fragile ego structure, therefore, easily overwhelmed by feelings and impressions from her unconscious (I have a very low self-esteem, and a very sensitive pride.)
Persephone type has difficulty discriminating and has difficulty putting her impressions into words. (again, communication issues)
Keen ability to cross over into other realms of psychic consciousness - very at home in the world beyond the physical senses
Attracted to metaphysics, healing, intuitive, service-oriented work (well, I thinkt he title of my blog explains this.)
By nature she is reclusive/retreating, secretive, possessing a sensitive system requiring time away from external stimulation.
“Underworld” understood as ‘unconscious’--then, Persephone has been abducted to the ‘unconscious’--to deal with aspects of her own personal unconscious material and also the collective unconscious.
She experiences episodes of depression, and/or bouts of mysterious, difficult to diagnose illnesses. (not too sure about mysterious illnesses, thought I do tend to random problems that eventually go away, mostly pains.)
A primarily Persephone type is not promiscuous. She may be unwittingly drawn to partners that attempt to dominate/control her. As a protection she may shift to much younger lovers with whom she can mother and feel safe. (I do love to mother)

And then on down further:

Persephone’s personality
- As a child & adolescent:
  - Quiet, unassuming, compliant, eager to please - similar to a willow - will tend to bend along with the circumstances or in relation to stronger personalities around her (Played barbies when I was too old for them, because my cousin, who was a few year my junior, still wanted to.)
  - Introverted, imaginative, often lives in her ‘own little world’ of make-believe, perhaps as a strategy to escape the unpleasantness she experiences in her family environment (My mom once told me she tried to discipline me by taking EVERYTHING out of my room save my homework so I would do it. Needless to say, she didn't take my bed sheets. I had them all tied up. Another time she put me int eh corner for time out, and found me playing 'finger puppets')
  - She often prefers playing alone, by herself.
  - She enjoys her solitude, a Persephone child may be found daydreaming, listening to music. (even now I do)
  - Unsure of her preferences, difficulty making decisions (again, if you knew me, you know how COMPLETELY indecisive I am)
  - Persephone child is often the family “problem” child or scape-goat because her sensitivities do not conform to family norms. (I wasn't really a 'scapegoat' or problem child, but I was sent to therapy for writing a yaoi (male/male shipping) fanfic.)

- As a mature woman:
  - The mature Persephone has grappled with the maiden, Kore, aspect of her nature. She is learning to ‘tell her truth’ - rather than avoiding and/or lying to others in fear of displeasing them. She is learning to set healthy boundaries--saying ‘no’, rather than acting in manipulative, indirect or blaming ways to meet her needs--avoiding conflict. (I'm......still working on that. But at least I know that I am.)
  - The mature Persephone is learning to take care of herself, learning to meet her own needs, responsibly, as she understands, now, how she has blamed others in the past. (again, still working on that.)
  - The mature Persephone is developing a conscious relationship with her ‘inner male’, in Jungian terms, her animus, which means, developing her assertive/action nature.
  - The mature Persephone finds value and meaning in spiritual ritual.
  - The mature Persephone who has undergone her transformative experience in Hades is, now, equipped to guide others in their descent into the underworld. She is most compassionate, intuitive and wisely guides others in connecting with their own depth and meaning.
  - The mature Persephone may be found working as a healer, therapist, herbalist, Tarot card reader, astrologer, writer, photographer, musician, medical intuitive, gardener. (ALL of these things interest me.)
  - Persephone requires sufficient ‘alone’ time to regenerate her energies because she so absorbs the vibrations/emotions of those around her. Music, nature and mystical experiences recharge her batteries. (Again, very me)

These were taken straight from the Persephone description on Fine your Goddess Archetype and I suggest many of you, even males for you too have female energies, to take the test and see who you are. I found this quiz as an eye opener and it has helped me realize what to do in order for me, as a Persephone, descend into my Underworld.

What Goddess Archetype are you? Comment with your result.

First Introductions.

2011-05-18T21:25:00.001-04:00

I'm hoping to make this at the very least a weekly thing as I do not do well doing daily stuff. ^^;

This is where I hope to record any spiritual/magical experiences, or even spiritual or religious thoughts on the world. Maybe I'll get a following, maybe I won't, but I'm hoping that these posts will help see my growth. Any comments are welcome on any of my posts.