the words i breathe

Complete

2011-11-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

I’m going to blame post-partum hormones/ brand-new, fresh-baby, crack-like addiction powers for this as I’ve had a change of heart about expanding our family.

Newborn Ali with all of her crack-like addiction powers :)

We. Are. Done (please insert Jarod doing the most absurd happy dance here).

The other month we had one of the most perfect-looking Trying To Conceive chart imaginable: BDing (baby dancing) was so spot on that I was convinced there was no way we couldn’t be pregnant, BBT (basal body temperature) elevated three days after my assumed ovulation day (again very perfect) and I even had a possible implantation dip and a very convincing triphasic temperature shift. Everything (in regards to baby-making) was incredibly PERFECT.

Then a few days before I would be considered “late” I began feeling like our family was "complete" and started wondering why I even wanted another one (other than the obvious cuteness); I have the perfect little babies and in such a great gender order too. And, although this is said so often that it seems redundant and cliche but they’re healthy and we’re really, really lucky for that.

Not to mention all of the crap and expenses that come along with them, college funds, a bigger house, clothes, cars, car insurance, allowances, makeup, shoes, sports equipment, iPhones, iPads, laptops, etc., etc., etc.

I love him so much <3

Plus, I miss my husband all the time. I see him everyday and we talk on almost all of his breaks but I miss uninterrupted quality time with him. I just miss him.

And I miss “me” time. I miss not having to choose between sleep and doing something merely because I enjoy it. I miss not feeling guilty about leaving my husband who works ridiculously long hours with three very young kids just to spend time with a girl friend for an hour or two. I miss the dream of that successful career-woman I’ve grown up aspiring to become.

There’s so many reasons that I can rationalize to why we’re done but honestly, none of that would really matter (to me) if I had that yearning to be a mother to another child. That “need” for another child is gone and I’m actually somewhat relieved it’s gone.

Buuut probably not as much as Jarod lol :)

<3 The Miller Family <3

We are done making babies and we are now The Millers, a (complete) happy family of five <3

My Advice for Staying Happily Married

2011-10-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

Next month Jarod and I will be celebrating our 7^th wedding anniversary and though I humbly know I have nowhere near the wisdom and knowledge a couple that has spent 57 years together, I think I know a thing or two on marriage. If I were to die tomorrow, these are the words I hope reach my children when they find that special person:

To my children,

First and foremost, don’t try to find a soul mate. Find yourself. Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy because that’s just a losing game; instead, seek someone to share your life with. No one can make you happy. You must learn to make your own happy ever after.

The reason “happily ever afters" start at the end of the movie is because no one wants to see that Prince Charming likes to watch TV with a beer in his hand and a remote in the other or the gorgeous and ridiculously-skinny woman he “saved” is about 50 pounds overweight from her colicky first-born son who won’t stop crying for the life of him. Life. Is. Nothing like the movies; it’s better.

Marry someone that reminds you of every love song ever written, someone you love so deeply it aches. Make positively sure it’s nothing less than this kind of love . . . because there will be times, regardless of how special and how different you think you two are, when it will become a chore to recall those exhilarating feelings of romance.

After a few days of dating (yes, I said days), your dad and I told each other we wanted to spend forever with one another. Although, we had no idea what that meant quite yet, that exaggeration of romance and love very early in our relationship is sometimes what I think got us through everything. We knew we had something so rare and special that we never wanted to lose it.

Marriage will absolutely be the one the hardest things you ever do but it is also one of the most rewarding blessings bestowed upon us and with that said: FIGHT LIKE HELL to stay married. Do whatever it takes to make things work. One of my favorite bits of advice I’ve heard about staying married is that sometimes staying married simply means: just staying. There will always be difficult moments in your life but committing to stay together when everything is falling apart makes the rainbow at the end of the rain so much more beautiful and magical.

There have been moments when I have without a doubt hated your father and have seriously considered leaving but I’m so thankful I never did. As I write this I have tears in my eyes and cringe at my inability to better explain in words how much I love your dad, our past and where we are today. I feel nothing but an overwhelming sense of gratitude that this is my life but none of it would have been mine if I walked out the doors when things got tough.

Also, take every single bit of advice about marriage and relationships and throw it all out the window (excluding mine, of course :) Every person is different so why wouldn't every marriage be??

Even though you probably think your dad and I are the funniest, most amazing, damn closest thing to perfect as possible, the truth is we’re not :) I know you’re shocked right now; it’s understandable :) My point is that neither one of us are perfect but together we work perfectly (after a few good years, of course). The advice to never go to bed mad never worked for us. When I get really, really upset it takes me about 6.75 hours to be able to let go and finally come to a point where I’m willing to reconcile. Your dad knows this . . . now. We used to “try to work it out” before we went to bed but it almost always ended up with each of us saying things we didn’t mean and the argument becoming worse than it began with.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s a bit ridiculous how long it takes me to let things go but it’s who I am. I’m a bit over-the-top, passionate and emotional/ sentimental; these are things you will hate and love about me as your father does but I hope you’ll find more of it to love than hate (just like your father).

Your dad finally came to understand and respect this aspect about me; although, it still annoys the hell out of him just as much as it annoys me that when a million things are going on at once (i.e. all three of you babies crying, something burning on the stove, someone knocking on the door, etc.) your dad completely stresses out to the point that I’d rather lock him in a closet and deal with everything myself then receive his “help.” We annoy each other but there’s so much more good than bad.

Respect your marriage and each other as individuals. Compromise as much as humanly possible but learn to appreciate your individualities and what makes the other person them.

In addition, to throwing out all the advice also throw out your expectations. Granted, keep all the obvious ones like being abused, infidelity, etc. Play this song often:

. . . and remember what love really means.

Nothing is ever perfect. I hope there are many moments in your life where you feel like it is but remember the only thing constant is change. Love is never perfect; it is what it is: disastrous, messy and beautiful.

Be kind. You won’t always be able to speak or act in kindness but try. Try really hard and don’t fight dirty. Another great advice about marriage that I really like is from Kevin Bacon, who has been married for over 20 years to Kyra Sedgwick, is to “keep the fights clean . . ."

Lastly, I hope each one of you finds a love that builds you up, forces you to grow, a love that remains in the face of adversity, a love that will wipe away your tears and pain and hold your hand throughout all that life has to offer. I hope so much for you each one of you but mostly, I hope you realize that this is the only kind of love worth living for and the only kind you deserve. I love you each with all of my heart.

Love,

Mommy

P.s. Here are a few of my absolutely favorite things about being married to your father:

You . . .

<3 baby aiden <3

you . . .

<3 baby tristen <3

. . . and you.

<3 baby aaliyanna <3

Another Sibling

2011-09-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

Gotcha! ;) Ali's ultrasound at 13 weeks.

First and foremost, no, I'm not pregnant . . . yet :)

After a brief (as in less than two month) stunt with birth control, Jarod and I agreed to stop using it. Whoa, I know, crazy, right?! :)

My sweet and easily-stressed husband (mind you, he’s a Virgo - the very thought of paper could stress him out given enough time) could have easily been content with a life with one child and even possibly no children at all. I, on the other hand, as apparent with the amount of children we’ve had in less than four years absolutely could not.

<3 November 21, 2008 <3

I have always wanted a family. I embarrassingly have always wanted the entire cliche of a big, happy family with lots of children running around, a dog (maybe two), a loving husband to fall asleep with each night all encompassed in a sweet little house all wrapped around in an (even bigger cliche) white picket fence. I know, I even make myself gag.

Years ago, when we first fell in love and “when love was all we knew” (Remember When by Alan Jackson) Jarod (as I very distinctly remember) remarked that I could "have as many children as (I) want.” Suffice to say, when I remind him of this little statement I’m, more often than not, joking because I get the enormous responsibility that comes along with children and I, also, understand the even greater enormous financial responsibility a man feels when he has a family.

However, I couldn’t fight this overwhelming baby craving and strong feeling that I’m suppose to have one more baby. So we fought and went back and forth about having another and not having another one until he could see that I couldn’t shake it and how incredibly important it was to me.

Needless to say, we decided to have another one. And HE suggested starting now and I more than happily agreed. Aside from my cliche of a dream, another very big reason why I want to have another child and why I want them so close in age can be better explained without words:

An Update

2011-09-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Being silly with my Aidy-Aids :)

To say life has been crazy is more than an understatement but ~~after two major emotional breakdowns~~ I’ve finally come to a (hectic but decently) predictable routine ~~with the help of lots and lots of coffee~~. Ali’s not quite sleeping through the night yet but really only wakes up once at night now. Tristen, my once happy and easily-pleased baby boy, is beginning his transition into that ~~annoying and whiny and~~ fun new stage of independence, toddler-hood, and Aiden’s officially a champion at pooping and peeing in the potty.

I know what you’re probably thinking, well, duh, isn’t Aiden three and a half, shouldn’t he have been a pro at the potty about a year ago?! Well, yes. Buuuut we I just started potty training him about three weeks ago (to be exact, the day after Jarod returned to work). The week Jarod went back to work and left me at home with a newborn, a “new” toddler and a “sure, let’s pee on everything” just starting to potty train preschooler was the looooooooooooooooooongest week of my life.

My not-so-little baby, Aiden.

I’ve had an excuse for every day and every week since Aiden’s second birthday to put off potty training. I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect because really, I was just utterly and completely scared ~~sh*tless~~. Don’t ask me how having three children three years and under doesn’t scare me in the slightest but teaching a child basic hygienic skills worried me. I’ve heard horrible stories of kids ~~whose parents scarred their children’s potty training experience~~ that ~~they~~ still pooped and peed in their pants and beds at ridiculous ages. I really didn’t want my kid to be that kid. But potty training has gone so well that now I really regret not starting it sooner; I could have had Aiden out of diapers a long time ago!

My journey to regaining the body I once had ~~a very long time ago~~ pre-babies is going really well. I’ve lost thirty-one pounds in the last six weeks! Woohoo!! (insert happy dance here) I’ve got about 15 pounds to go but I’m really happy with where I’m at. It’s nice to be heading towards a body that I’m proud of by making my health and ~~having a~~ body ~~that my hubby thinks is hott~~ a priority.

Jarod’s been working overtime every weekday but hasn’t had to work mandatory overtime on the weekends lately so it’s been nice having him home to alleviate my mental exhaustion from the kids and to actually get to spend time with him. Literally, years ago we used to have every hour of every day to spend quality time together. Now we’re lucky to be able to finish a conversation. It’s been really hard trying to find a balance of keeping our relationship connected and finding time for (even the simplest, most basic things for) myself. I’ve resorted to squeezing in a quick shower, forgetting about any trace of makeup, throwing my wet hair up in a mess bun and downing a cup of coffee as fast as possible. You know you’re way too busy when you’re so busy that you can’t even find time to drink coffee.

3 1/2 week baby Ali all dressed up <3

The kids are doing great and are adjusting to our growing little family much better than I expected. Ali’s growing up so fast. I love that my babies are all so close in age but it also makes me a little sad that I don’t have the ability to just stare at her all day long. I can’t even feed her without someone needing something or Tristen needing to sit on my lap too. Just like my other babies she’s growing like a weed length-wise and not at all wide-wise. She’s already in 6 month sleepers just because she’s so long. Skinny and tall; basically, she’s already got it made :)

Tristen just being cute, which is why we keep him :)

Tristen’s talking a lot more but still doesn’t have the capabilities to express himself as well as he wants to, which resorts to just a lot of crying and screaming ~~like he’s about to die~~ in order to get what he wants. But he’s still the biggest cuddle-bug ever and for that, Jarod and I decided he could stay in our family.

Aiden’s also doing great and growing up so fast. The minute Aiden started really succeeding at potty-training I felt like we had a brand-new kid. He'll just casually say, “I’ve got to go potty” and walks into the bathroom like it’s no big deal and he’s been doing it all his life. He just seems so much older lately. He’s become more independent, which for Aiden who absolutely loves being babied, is a very big deal. Also, his little personality is coming out more and more. He makes me laugh everyday. I miss itty-bitty tiny baby Aiden but I love this stage too and it makes me more excited to see what Aiden in the future is going to be like, like when he’s (gulp) a man. Ahh, such a weird thought!

He's so in love with her; it's kind of ridiculous :)

Overall, our little family’s doing great. Jarod and I have a very strong addiction to coffee. We’re tired about 98% of the time but our babies are happy and healthy and that’s really the only thing that matters. One day we’ll get more sleep . . . for now, well, let's just say it's a good thing we kinda like these little ones :)

Done??

2011-08-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

My mom with all of my babies at the hospital.

Most commonly asked question after you give birth to a baby girl with two little boys as her big brothers, “so are you done?” and my commonly replied answer when asked this question, “yes!” But now, I have no idea.
Ali’s pregnancy was the hardest out of all of my children. Not only did it include the typical, uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms but also, a visit to the ER because of the severity of the morning sickness one wonderful, lovely night, prescription drugs for morning sickness just so I could get through the other days and my personal favorite, the onset of pre-partum depression, which included degrading, debilitating and suicidal thoughts.

Baby Ali at 13 weeks gestational.

Recovery after Ali’s birth was rough too; causing me to cry in pain even while on 10mg of Oxycodone on top of other pain relievers.

So who in their right mind would ever want to go through such horrible pain again?!? (I could write paragraphs on the definition of this kind of person but I think it would suffice to simply say): A mother.

I can’t say with certainty if Ali will be our last child or second to last. We’ll see where we stand in a year or should I say we’ll see where I stand in a year as the hubs has remarked that he doesn’t want me to have any regrets so if I want another baby then we’ll have another baby. He’s a sweetheart and I love him dearly but damn, now I’m responsible for this huge decision.

Me and my Aidy (Xmas 2010).

I can think of a million reasons to not have another baby but I, also, know even a fraction of the love I feel for one of my children can completely override all of that.

So are we done?

Who friggin’ knows . . .

Probably not.

Co-sleeping.

2011-07-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Baby Aiden, about a month old.

Since the minute our first child, Aiden, was born on March 7^th 2008 we intentionally decided to forgo use of birth control. In other words, for the last four years I have been pregnant or trying to be pregnant. Trust me, it’s been a rough few years on me, my body, my husband and any sort of (freaky [oh, mom, I hope you skipped this sentence]) sex life.

Nevertheless, we now have three children three and under. Before you draw the usual conclusion that we’re frickin’ crazy (because we’re not) or we just weren’t listening during sex ed. (we definitely were and I think it’s probable that Jarod and I may have paid the most attention in school that day than we ever have in our lives), I wanted our children to grow up close in age so they’d always have someone to play with and with the hope that they’d grow up together and grow in love and closeness all their lives.

Me and baby Tristen on his birth day.

Which brings me to co-sleeping, having three children so close in age we had to make rules to abide by (or we really would become frickin’ crazy) and one of those rules concerned sleeping habits. Aiden and Tristen never slept in our bed aside from the occasional sickness. As newborns they usually slept in a bassinet next to our bed but never in it. Not only do Jarod and I love our sleep but I was always prepping Aiden and Tristen for the next kid to come along because routinely waking up to various babies in the middle of the night sounds like hell to me.

Then came our last and only girl, baby Ali. She’s much more needier than the boys were (probably a preface to what’s to come in the future, right?). She sleeps great during the day but sleeps horrible at night. So last night Jarod took her out of her bassinet and placed her in our bed and basically remarked that, “I'm tired.” My sleep-deprived, groggy external reaction was something like, “uhh, ok” but inside I think I may have been beaming.

Jarod with his little girl, baby Ali.

We make compromises to everything in life and by giving my children siblings so close in age I’ve lost out on rocking them to sleep. In exchange for giving them the gift of sleeping well and knowing how to be independent, I’ve lost excuses to hold them and moments where they "needed" their mommy. I know I haven’t damaged their lives so inconceivably that they’ll need counseling but I know too well how time perpetuates forward even when you try with dear life to hold onto a single moment.

Thus, with our last child (whom I already know full-well is going to be spoiled; have you seen the way her daddy looks at her?!) I don’t mind if she’s a little bit more difficult, if she needs to be rocked to sleep or wants to be held incessantly just because she needs it.

Because in all honest, I think I need it even more.

Perfect.

2011-07-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

Baby Ali, one week old.

Life is pretty damn, dare I say, perfect. It’s so perfect that usually overly-abundant (and annoyingly) optimistic me cautiously awaits for something, at the very least something tiny, to go wrong. But nothing has and believe me, I’m really not complaining. Life’s just really, really good.

Baby Ali turned one week today and everyday she becomes more and more gorgeous. Suffice to say, Jarod’s absolutely terrified. He mentioned how one day the boys are going to have girlfriends and I laughed because he didn’t even realize that subconsciously he already denies the fact that Ali will (one day) have a boyfriend. I brought it to his attention and he laughed but then remarked that she never will have a boyfriend. Umm, okay . . . psycho :)

With three kids, three and under, you
take what you can get when it comes
to pictures :)

The boys have been amazing with her. Other than Aiden’s initial comments about putting her back in the box (aka the hospital bassinet), they’re in love with her. Tristen’s the most obsessed with her. He loves peeking over the playpen/ bassinet and looking at her, giving her kisses and asking to be picked up (constantly) just to get a better look at his little sister. Aiden will inform me when she’s crying, remind me to feed her and will help put the binky in her mouth. They’re amazing and I hope (but I think Jarod hopes more) that they’ll always feel this love and need to protect her, especially from the population of the world with said male genitalia.

The very beginning <3

Also, seven years, one week and one day ago Jarod and I went on our first date. He picked me up in his black spray-painted MR2, handed me a bouquet of flowers, opened my door, took me to see The Notebook (which I’m thankful was the second-time I saw that movie because the first time I was an emotional-mess and we more than likely would not be where we are today if he had took me to see it for the first time; I‘m more than certain I would be considered, “thaaat girl“), ate some grub at Denny’s and basically, stole my heart.

Like I said life’s pretty perfect. Seven years feels amazing. We know each other so well and work so well together. Butterflies and falling in love is fun but nothing beats this kind of love.

Life is pretty damn perfect.

38 weeks pregnant

2011-07-19T02:44:00.000-07:00

At 37 weeks and 6 days pregnant I had a prenatal appointment, I was 2 cm dilated and I asked my doctor to do a membrane sweep. It wasn’t that painful at all. Right after he did it I thought about asking him to do it again to make it hurt more so maybe it would work better haha but I guess, I didn’t want to look like a crazy person so I just kept my crazy thoughts to myself.

I immediately started feeling some contractions, nothing too strong. I went back to my mom’s house, where to boys were being babysat, and then spent the rest of the day doing everything I could think of to induce this baby into labor, which included walking up and down stairs, walking over three miles, busting out my breast pump, drinking pineapple juice and doing the deed with the hubby.

I got some strong contractions that night and got really excited. They were about one minute long with 10 -15 minute intervals but then they just stopped.

So after all that I got some painful contractions, sore calves and no baby in my arms. I’ve decided to just let go because it’s emotionally driving me crazy - thinking and hoping that maybe this contraction is the start of something over and over again is disappointing and I’m so exhausted. Just being pregnant is tiring but taking care of the boys all day and walking around like a mad woman to induce labor at 38 weeks is killing.

But I guess, I shouldn’t expect anything different from her. She’s my daughter after all, and although I’d rather blame Jarod for this, she probably has my stubbornness and isn’t going to come out for nothing until she’s good and ready. I guess, this little lesson is just preparing me for the future. I’m done complaining and I’m just going to look on the bright side: I have a daughter coming :)

37 weeks and counting . . . Yep, still counting.

2011-07-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

Baby Ali and I have officially hit full-term! Yay!!

Sooo, you can come out.

Now : )

I’m torn. In terms of finances and in regards to Jarod’s work schedule it would be much better for her to come out later than sooner. But in terms of my sanity and comfort, I would really like for her to be out of me like five minutes ago.

Jarod wants her to wait until the day we turn 39 weeks (July 21^st), which is the day she will be evicted from my uterus aka the day my cesarean is scheduled.

My response to his (dumb) desire: Well, duhh! She’s not in his frigging uterus! He doesn’t get to feel like someone punched him in the a** (but maybe he should?! J/k) nor does he get sharp pains in his vag nor does he have to pee so often that he’s budgeted the extra cost in the monthly water bill.

On top of all the physical discomfort (the aforementioned are just a few of my fav), I’m HUGE. I know, I know, I’m pregnant and it is a beautiful and an amazing thing but I want my old body back. I’ve pretty much been pregnant (or trying to get pregnant) for the vast majority of my twenties and I would like to see myself as an attractive single-inhabitant person, I believe the appropriate and politically-correct term is “MILF,” rather than a baby-making machine. I know I will miss her little kicks and hiccups but I really miss being me, physically and emotionally.

To baby Ali,

I love you. I think it’s amazing that we’ve shared this journey together but I’m so excited to meet you and hold you and love you and teach you about all the really important things in life. Please come out soon because we want nothing more than to love you and know you.

Love,

Mommy