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How To Not Be A Burden (Or Be Burdened)

My partner and I have lived with my 89-year-old mother-in-law for the past five years. She has some dementia causing her to forget things including some basic elements of taking care of herself. We are there to support her.

This feels like the right thing to do and most of the time it doesn’t feel like a burden at all. But here’s where I sometimes feel burdened.

When She Thinks, “I Don’t Want To Be A Burden”

Taking care of aging family members is nothing new to us. We have been there for my grandmother, my father-in-law, and my step-father in different ways. Having to walk slower, having to cook and clean for them, having to be patient with memory issues, these things don’t feel like a burden. It’s why we’re there.

But here’s what ironically does feel like a burden at times: when the person “doesn’t want to be a burden,” and therefore doesn’t accept the help they need. Then, it becomes more difficult. Not only is there the physical job that needs to be done but the emotional job of trying to do it while the person is fighting you because they don’t think they need your help.

That’s a tough one to navigate because helping them means doing what they don’t want you to do (bathing, eating, taking medicine, etc.)

So my advice to myself if I ever get to be that old is to allow others to take care of me if I need it, to not insist that I’m still fully capable when I’m not, and to loosen my grip on my sense of independence. I can imagine it would not be easy to do, but I hope with a bit of work I will be able to accept the aging process gracefully.

In The Meantime, How to Not Be Burdened?

My partner and I did The Work recently on the thought, “She should accept the aging process.” Of course, if she did, our jobs would be much easier. (Again, this is a note to my future self.) But the reality is that she sometimes doesn’t accept it. How to make peace with this?

What we found when going through the four questions and turnarounds meditatively on this statement was that her not accepting the aging process is also a part of her aging process and we need to accept this. Why should we be okay with cooking and cleaning but not be okay with her pretending she doesn’t need our help? A decrease in physical ability and denial of that loss naturally come together, especially in the case of dementia. Ignoring this, we are the ones arguing with reality.

So doing The Work on this one statement opened something in my partner and me. We started seeing even her stubbornness as normal and understandable given her condition. And a growing softness in us is allowing us to be more patient with her. 

How About You?

Where do you feel burdened? Where do you feel like you’re being a burden? In either case, you can question your stressful thoughts and find some balance. If you feel burdened, maybe you are not as burdened as you think. And if you feel l like you are a burden, maybe you are not as much of a burden as you think. 

There’s no substitute for doing this inquiry yourself. Follow your stress and question the thoughts connected to it. It can be surprising and relieving to explore in this way.

Three Live Seminars on Money Remaining

Don’t miss the live seminars connected with the Living with Money course every Wednesday. These seminars are available to anyone who has purchased the course. Enroll today! 

Have a great week,
Todd

“I resented my mother for being ill for so long. I resented the burden she was for my dad and me. I used to suffer because I thought she was so ungrateful to those of us who sacrificed our lives to take care of her. After questioning my painful thoughts about her for several months, I realized that I was a fraud! I wasn’t acting out of love for her, I was getting attention for being the ‘suffering good daughter’! I was making up this grand story so that people would sympathize with me, and all the time I could barely stand to hear my mother’s voice on the phone. Once I caught on to my delusions, I was able to see this perfectly beautiful woman who had been ill most of her life, and who was strong and independent and full of love.” I Need Your Love, Is It True? by Byron Katie

Further reading: Surgery: An Exercise in Surrender

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How Has The Work Helped You?

I have been doing The Work of Byron Katie (4 Questions and Turnarounds) regularly since 2007 and I have been facilitating others for as long. Here are a few benefits I’ve noticed in myself and in others over the years from this practice. 

• Better relationships (partners, parents, children, co-workers, and relationships of all kinds) 
• A feeling of less neediness in different situations 
• Feeling more like oneself 
• Feet on the ground 
• More confidence 
• Better able to stand up for oneself 
• Moving through grief more quickly 
• Better relationship with money 
• Less fear 
• Less need to control everything to feel safe 
• Quicker to recover from emotional trauma 
• More accepting of one’s own personality and limitations 
• More courage to face health issues 
• Less obsessive 
• Able to see a bigger perspective 
• More calmness 
• Less worry 
• More patience 
• Relief from PTSD 
• Freedom from addictive behaviors 
• Greater ability to receive negative feedback 
• Greater ability to receive compliments 
• Better able to ask oneself what one wants 
• Better able to communicate what one wants to others 
• Better able to say no 
• More creativity 
• More fun 
• More optimism

What Have You Noticed?

I’d love to hear your list of how The Work has helped you. 

Have a great week,
Todd

“Inquiry is more than a technique: It brings to life, from deep within us, an innate aspect of our being. When practiced for a while, inquiry takes on its own life within you. It appears whenever thoughts appear, as their balance and mate. This internal partnership leaves you free to live as a kind, fluid, fearless, amused listener, a student of yourself, and a friend who can be trusted not to resent, criticize, or hold a grudge.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Further reading: Why I Love The Work Of Byron Katie

The post How Has The Work Helped You? appeared first on The Work As Meditation.

As a photographer, I made an effort to go out exploring when the light was best.

 

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Making An Effort vs. Taking It As It Comes

When you first start doing The Work of Byron Katie (4 Questions and Turnarounds), it can be confusing: should I let go of things or make more of an effort? This is especially true when doing The Work on areas where you have some control. 

For example, I could do The Work on the thought, “I should exercise more,” and I would find the turnaround, “I should not exercise more.” When used in a balanced way, this turnaround loosens my attachment and guilt. 

But you might also conclude that never exercising is better. In fact, never exercising may actually be better for me if exercising is stressing me. Even just thinking about it that way can bring balance. But there’s often another side to it. 

The Value Of Making An Effort

There is often a “hump” to get over when doing something valuable. And by valuable, I mean something that has long-term value: exercising, doing The Work, learning a language, etc. 

These activities do not usually give instant gratification like sensory activities do: eating, watching a movie, or doing something fun. Long-term-value activities are more like investments. It looks like you’re giving your money away when you invest (not as much fun as spending is). 

You have to make a little effort to get over the hump with these kinds of activities. But when you do, the investment of time and energy starts to pay off. And it is usually more deeply rewarding and enjoyable than the fun of immediate gratification. We call it discipline, but for those who get over the hump is very gratifying.

So Where’s The Balance?

If I’m too disciplined, my life can dry up while I’m waiting for long-term development. But if I’m too easygoing, I may never structure the elements of my life that could be really rewarding for me. 

The Work helps me find balance because it clues me into my stress. Stress tells me when I’m out of balance. If I’m too far out of balance in the direction of discipline, I’ll have stressful thoughts like these:

I should do more.
I have to keep going.
I shouldn’t have skipped my workout.

But if I’m too far out of balance in the direction of taking it as it comes, I may have stressful thoughts like these:

It’s too much effort.
I don’t really need to exercise.
I don’t have any control anyway so there’s no point.
It’s more fun to watch TV.

If I question my stressful thoughts on either side (trusting that feeling of stress to guide me), I can loosen my story on both sides.

What Freedom Looks Like

Freedom is a place where I don’t have to do any discipline ever again but I’m not opposed to doing long-term projects either. In other words, if I do The Work, I’m not going to end up just sitting around watching TV because doing anything else would be too much effort. 

Instead, I end up more aware of what actually interests me. If it’s TV, then I’m going to enjoy TV in a totally guilt-free way. But it’s doing The Work or learning a language, or exercising I’m going to enjoy that. 

It doesn’t even feel like discipline. It is both. I’m taking it as it comes (listening to what I want to do next) and I’m enjoying being drawn into subtler forms of activity that are often more rewarding. 

Making The Work A Habit

Just like exercise, doing The Work can be very rewarding when it’s done regularly. About four months ago, I started keeping track and doing The Work every day. I have been very disciplined with this, not missing one day in four months.

It took a little effort at first, but now it is a part of how I live. And I love it. There is a lightness in my mind and spirit that comes from this regular practice and it becomes its own reward. I’m now over the hump and it is easy to maintain.

I invite you to this kind of daily practice of The Work as well. You may find it as enjoyable as I do. In fact, I invite you to join my Inquiry Circle group where we do this work daily (or less frequently) with the support of a beautiful community. There you will also find The Breakfast Club which is an extra support for those who wish to build up slowly to doing The Work daily.

Start The Year Off With Work on Money

Last summer, my friend, Grace Bell, and I created a course called “Living with Money.” If you have any stress around money, or if you would like to prevent future stress, I highly recommend this course. It contains 12 hours of video.

And to increase the value of this course for you, Grace and I are offering six additional free one-hour seminars for anyone who has purchased the course. If you haven’t enrolled, sign up on the Living with Money webpage today.

We have completed two seminars. The additional seminars will be 25, Feb 1, 8, 15. Don’t miss this one-time opportunity to join us and question your thoughts about money. Purchase the Living with Money course today and sign up for these seminars after you enroll.

Have a great week,
Todd

“The fear of not being fearful is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for people beginning inquiry. They believe that without stress, without anger, they wouldn’t act, they would just sit around with drool running down their chins. Whoever left the impression that peace isn’t active has never known peace the way I know it. I am entirely motivated without anger. The truth sets us free, and freedom acts.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Further reading: All Work and No Play

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Socializing Your Inner Pet

We were at my nephew’s house the other day and I was surprised to see how calm their cat was. It was the calmest cat I think I’ve ever seen. And it’s only about a year old. 

My theory is that this cat grew up in a very dynamic environment (it shares the house with a two-year-old, high-energy chocolate lab). The dog is constantly running around and is one of the most high-energy dogs I’ve met. 

Now, imagine a kitten growing up with this dog running around non-stop. It would either go completely crazy or it would adapt. In this case, I think it adapted to the high-energy environment by becoming immune to it. Nothing seems to faze this cat at all.

We May Be Just Like This

A lot of times, we look for ways to avoid our stressors so that we can be peaceful. But the problem with this approach is that our world becomes smaller and smaller as we limit the things we can do. 

Don’t get me wrong, isolation, protection, taking care of oneself… all of these are good things. But when I protect myself too much I may become more prone to stress whenever I get exposed to these stressors again. 

Socializing the Dog

Our dog demonstrates the same principle. We live a fairly quiet life so our dog doesn’t get exposed to a lot of other people or animals every day. This means that when he sees other dogs or people he goes nuts and barks and wants to jump, etc. 

The exposure to his stressors is not frequent enough for him to be okay with them and to remain calm. 

So what’s the solution? In a word, “socialization.” 

In dog language, this means taking a dog out to meet other dogs, going to busy places where there are lots of people and lots of things going on, and having people come by. Basically, we try to expose the dog to as many of his stressors as possible until he becomes accustomed to them.

Moving Slowly

An important principle of socialization is to take it slowly. Too much will overwhelm and cause more stress, even trauma, in the dog. That’s not the idea. 

The idea is to take it slowly. Our dog trainer recommends exposing our dog to other dogs at a distance at first. For example, she recommended that we take him across the street from the dog park and just be with him calmly, giving treats, until he is no longer anxious.

This is a low dose of the stressor, and it helps build immunity. In fact, that’s exactly how medical immunization shots work: give enough of the stressor to challenge but not so much that it overwhelms. 

We Can Do The Same Thing With Our Stressors

By moving toward our stressors, instead of away from them, we can culture a kind of mental immunity. The key is not to move too fast, just a gradual repeated exposure can build a lot of tolerance. 

However, sometimes we can’t control how we get exposed to stress. Sometimes, the intense version of the stress is there every day at work with someone in the office, or at home with someone in the family. How do you deal with that?

It’s Always Possible to Slow Things Down

Even if you can’t control how much exposure you get to your stressors, you can take action to give yourself space to process after each exposure. This can be as effective as giving yourself low-dose, repeated exposures. 

A high-dose exposure followed by time to process it thoroughly can be a very fast way to grow. And luckily, there is a way to process things very effectively and quickly with The Work of Byron Katie (4 Questions and Turnarounds). 

After any stressful situation, go to a quiet place, write your stressful thoughts, and question them. This process is amazing. It can shift the feeling in a very short time. It can open the mind to see a stressor very differently. It is a powerful way to process emotions and stress. 

Suddenly A Stressful Situation Becomes A Fertilizer For Growth

If you really want to grow, the situation that you’re wanting to protect yourself from can become the very thing that helps you gain new strength. It all depends on what you do with it.

Without The Work, it may take more time to process each exposure. With The Work, things can move quite quickly. You may start to get ahead of it. You may even find yourself as relaxed as my nephew’s kitten around something that kept you on edge before. This is the power of inquiry in combination with exposure to stressful situations.

If Money Stresses You, Do The Work on Money

Last summer, my friend, Grace Bell, and I created a course called “Living with Money.” If you have any stress around money, or if you would like to prevent future stress, I highly recommend this course. It contains 12 hours of video.

And to increase the value of this course for you, Grace and I are offering six additional free one-hour seminars for anyone who has purchased the course. If you haven’t enrolled, sign up on the Living with Money webpage today.

We have completed one seminar. The additional seminars will be Jan 18, 25, Feb 1, 8, 15. Don’t miss this one-time opportunity to join us and question your thoughts about money. Purchase the Living with Money course today and sign up for these seminars after you enroll.

Have a great week,
Todd

“We never receive more than we can handle, and there is always just one thing to do.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Further reading: Emotional Trauma

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The Work Works If You Work It

I love to write about The Work of Byron Katie, especially about the process of doing The Work. As a result, I write a lot about the value of questioning one’s motives for doing The Work. This is because the less attached I am to an outcome, the easier and more effective The Work is in my experience.

So question your motives for sure: “I need to fix this relationship by doing The Work. I want to be free of this worry. I want to be enlightened.” This can loosen your attachment to any outcomes from doing The Work and make it easier to do The Work. But don’t think that there are no outcomes.

I wouldn’t be doing The Work for all of these years if I didn’t get something significant out of the process. Let’s take a look at this side of the story today, just for balance.

What Is The Fruit Of Doing The Work?

In my experience, the fruit of doing The Work is an experience of freedom and internal balance. As I question my stressful thoughts, I usually find that my attachment to one point of view and to getting what I thought I wanted shifts. I become more open-minded. I feel more flexible inside.

For example, I did The Work recently on being interrupted during sleep (yes a puppy was involved). In my stressed state, I hated being interrupted. After doing The Work, my attitude shifted dramatically. I’m now willing to shift out of sleep and into action more seamlessly. 

There is less resistance to doing whatever may need to be done, even in the middle of the night. And there is less fear of being interrupted. In fact, I’m looking forward to testing it out. It feels like I’m a new person. I don’t even recognize myself, but it feels really good.

The Fruit of The Work Is An Experience

When I see things differently, I feel differently. And when I feel differently, I act differently. But it’s all based on how I see the situation. After doing The Work, I usually notice a shift in how I see it.

This opens my heart, allows me to breathe deeper, and relaxes my body. I am less impatient with others, more in touch with myself, and more compassionate. And all of this comes from seeing that my stressful story was not the whole picture. Once I see a bigger picture, my experience changes.

Things I Have Done The Work On

I’ve done The Work almost daily since 2007 and I’ve covered a lot of topics. I usually just let life bring up the next subject or stressful situation to work. Here are a few topics that have really shifted over the years.

Relationship with Partner – When I started The Work I felt stuck in my relationship. It was a big stress for me. There were many facets of the relationship that needed to be worked. I’ve done more work on this relationship than on anything else.

The result has been a gradual change from feeling like a victim and blaming my partner to knowing how to ask for what I want, stand up for myself, and appreciate the qualities that my partner brings. I find myself now where I want to be rather than hoping somehow to escape. This is a direct result of doing The Work. And for me, it feels like a miracle.

Money – I used to worry about money, especially about how to earn it without compromising my values (which are often about spiritual practice rather than making money). Through The Work, I no longer see a conflict between material and spiritual values. 

And through further work on the subject, I no longer worry about not having enough. In fact, my ability to earn has increased dramatically even when doing something that I love to do. But I’m also willing to change my job at any point if necessary. The Work has opened this space in me.

Success – Money is one way of measuring success, but I measure it on many levels. Another name for this is perfectionism. I’ve done a lot of work on this area and I don’t even see it as bad anymore. I love to do things well. I always will. But I’m way less stressed about doing them well when I can’t.

This has shown up in how I run my business, how I play pickleball, how I work out, how I sleep, how I eat, how I learn French, and how I train a dog. In each of these activities, I have done The Work many times on various situations that arise. The result is a healthy non-attachment without giving up.

I often now see a balanced way to achieve things. I pursue my desire to do things well, but also know that I’m fine in case nothing ever comes to completion. I wouldn’t enjoy this kind of freedom without The Work.

Grief – Dealing with my mom’s sudden death in a plane crash in 2010 was challenging, but doing The Work on my stressful thoughts each day sped me through the grieving process. After two months, I was free of grief and full of acceptance and love. And the grief never came back. That comes directly from doing The Work.

And I Could Go On And On

Whenever I bring another stressful situation, be it small or big, to The Work, I see new options. I find ways to balance desire with just being. 

I grow in patience, understanding, peace, and contentment. And my relationships become at the same time more meaningful and less of a big deal. I can only look forward to doing more work over the years to see what new layers of stress will be removed.

Seminars On Money – January and February

Last summer, my friend, Grace Bell, and I created a course called “Living with Money.” If you have any stress around money, or if you would like to prevent future stress, I highly recommend this course. It contains 12 hours of video.

And to increase the value of this course for you, Grace and I are offering six additional free one-hour seminars for anyone who has purchased the course. If you haven’t enrolled, sign up on the Living with Money webpage today. 

The additional seminars will be Jan 11, 18, 25, Feb 1, 8, 15. Don’t miss this one-time opportunity to join us and question your thoughts about money. Purchase the Living with Money course today and sign up for these seminars after you enroll.

Have a great week,
Todd

“When I say that the worst that can happen is a belief, I am being literal. The worst that can happen to you is your uninvestigated belief system.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Further reading: Living with Money

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Doing The Work is like watching raindrops on water. Most would call it boring. I call it beautiful, fascinating, and amazing.

I’m Going Nowhere With The Work

The Work of Byron Katie is a subtle process of increasing awareness. But it’s easy to turn this into a goal and to become discouraged when progress isn’t fast enough. 

A participant in The Work 101 wrote me recently asking about this experience for her. She described it as “walking but not getting anywhere.” Have you had this experience?

We Start The Work Because We Need It

Usually, it is a feeling of being stuck or frustrated or powerless that brings people to The Work. They are looking to relieve some stress. And from this perspective, there is a clear goal and path to follow: do The Work and suffering will decrease. The extreme version is “Do The Work enough and suffering will disappear.” 

This is the hidden promise we often see in The Work. And if we’re not making progress in that direction we judge The Work or ourselves as not good enough. This leads to frustration and usually quitting.

But What If We Reframed It?

What if we questioned the idea that we need The Work at all? I have done this and I find that The Work is just a reminder to come back to my own experience—a reminder to come back to myself instead of focusing on how things should be different. 

I do this all the time without The Work. I have done this all my life without The Work. I think we all do. So do I really need The Work? Of course not. 

The Work is just a speedy way that works for me to bring me back home. When I see it this way, I love to do The Work but I don’t need it. I’m not obsessed with it. I simply enjoy it.

And That’s When The Work Really Opens Up

When I don’t need The Work and I enjoy it instead, I slow down. This is the opposite of trying to use The Work to “hurry up and get free.” Ironically, if I keep doing The Work I get much more out of it. But it’s nothing showy. No miracles. No wow! Just quiet easiness.

So my question to this participant was this: “You need to get somewhere with The Work, is it true?” Who would you be without that thought? I can feel the difference just thinking about it. 

Without this concept of “getting somewhere,” I’m free. I’m really in touch with whatever I find: maybe I find my original statement is true after all. Maybe I discover some new insight. Maybe I feel no different. Maybe I feel a shift. Without any idea of needing to get somewhere, I’m free to experience all of it. 

This Is Loving What Is

Not, someday I will be free. Not, I’m making progress (or not). Just openness itself. Open to feeling bad. Open to feeling better. Open to not feeling any difference. Exploring with an open mind. And the richness of the universe can be tasted with such an open mind.

So, next time you think, “I’m getting nowhere with The Work,” be grateful. You have arrived! I can hear Talking Heads now…

“We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin’ that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride”

Join Us On The Road to Nowhere

Whether you feel like you need to get somewhere with The Work or whether you just want to explore, join us for the heart of this practice. Start The Work 101 anytime and join us for Inquiry Circle afterwards. Or join us for the Winter Virtual Retreat, Jan 13-15. 

It’s more fun going nowhere with others who are going there too.

Have a great week,
Todd

“Mind appears to flow everywhere, but it is the unmoving, the never-having-moved. It appears as everything. Eventually it sees that nowhere is where it is.” Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy

Further reading: What To Do When You’re Making Little Progress In Your Work?

The post I’m Going Nowhere With The Work appeared first on The Work As Meditation.

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If Facilitating Is Easy, Why Is There So Much Training?

The Work of Byron Katie (4 Questions and Turnarounds) is a process that each of us has to do ourselves. It is a meditation. No one can meditate for us. Yet, it can be great to do The Work with another person who asks the questions and listens to your answers. 

This is called facilitation because it can “make it easier.” When someone asks the questions to you, you can simply let your focus go inside to find your answers. You don’t have to think about the process, just the experience that is coming up from inside.

I Sometimes Say Facilitation Is The Easiest Job In The World

And It’s true. Facilitation does not require that I know anything about the person’s problem or how to find any kind of solution for them. It doesn’t require study or expertise. It doesn’t even require previous experience dealing with the same issue. 

Instead, the role of a facilitator is simple: take notes as the person brainstorms to find what stressful thoughts are causing them stress in a specific situation, then ask the four questions and prompt the turnarounds and examples, and listen. The only other role of a facilitator is to notice if they stop answering the questions and then remind them which question they are answering.

If it sounds simple that’s because it is. It is a job of holding the space for someone and holding them in the process, nothing more. It is not the job of the facilitator to help the person have a breakthrough. That comes or doesn’t come from inside them. It is a process of self-discovery, not teaching, coaching, or therapy.

So If It’s So Simple, Why Is There So Much Training?

Byron Katie and the Institute for The Work offer courses for improving your facilitation skills. I’m planning one too. It will be called “The Work 102” (about spoken work) someday when I create it. 

But why all this training if it’s so simple?

The training is not for learning how to handle different situations or for gaining knowledge about different kinds of stresses people bring. Instead, the training is more about unlearning than about learning anything. 

What Needs To Be Unlearned?

The tendency of many of us is to want to help. We don’t want someone to suffer. Or we want to be a hero who saves the day. But The Work is self-inquiry. One finds one’s own answers inside oneself. A facilitator is just there to hold the space and to be a witness.

If I want to help, I can end up interfering with the person’s inner process. I interrupt the person’s meditation. So what has to be unlearned is the idea that their work has anything to do with me. 

This takes time. And the most effective means of letting go of this idea is to question all the motives that come up when facilitating:

I want them to have a good experience.
I want to be a good facilitator.
I need them to stop suffering.
I want them to be grateful for my help.
I want them to work with me again.
I want them to see what I’m seeing.

This Is What The Training Is For

When you question motives like these again and again in different situations where you are facilitating someone, you start to gain a new perspective. You start to see that where they go with their work is their business. You start to trust them and their wisdom. And you start to trust the four questions and turnarounds. 

Then, truly, facilitating becomes what it is meant to be: the easiest job in the world. Just sitting with a virtual chair pulled up to the fire of someone’s internal meditation process. Nothing could be more delightful.

But if there’s a motive to change them, or to save them, or to look good, then forget it. Then, facilitating (if you can call it that) is difficult indeed. You make it harder for them and for yourself at the same time.

The Heart Of The Training

Questioning motives and doing The Work is all that the training to be a facilitator entails. You can do this training anywhere with anyone, and the freedom deepens with practice. 

If you want to start the process, I invite you to take The Work 101 course. We do a lot of The Work and we question some motives from facilitating too. Join us.

Have a great week,
Todd

“When someone is facilitating The Work, giving the four questions, he’s receiving at another level what I originally received inside me. If he’s really facilitating from a neutral position, without any motive, then he’s in the place where I am on the other side. It just gains in its freedom. It’s in or out: unlimited.” Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Further reading: When Do I Get to Shine?

The post If Facilitating Is Easy, Why Is There So Much Training? appeared first on The Work As Meditation.

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Needs: Should I Honour Them Or Question Them?

In The Work of Byron Katie, we question everything. And a common type of thought to question is a need. “I need him to agree with me,” for example. Questioning needs can open up a lot of room inside.

But there’s another way to look at needs. Behind each stressful experience is a need. Instead of questioning that need, it is also possible to think about how to fulfill it instead. This will arrive at the same place: a place of peace. When my needs are fulfilled, I can rest. 

So Which Should I Do?

If I’m stressed, just looking for the need beneath the stress can be helpful by itself. When I find it, I may know exactly what to do to fulfill it. It may take courage but, if I can ask for what I want or take action in some way, I may be able to create a situation where my needs are fulfilled. 

This is called taking care of myself. If I need more sleep, how can I give that to myself? If I need better food, how can I create that for myself? If I need some more money, how can I earn it? These questions, allow me to honour the needs that I have and actively work towards fulfilling them. 

The alternative is to pretend that I don’t need what I need and take no action and continue suffering unnecessarily. And then, of course, I can become angry or depressed and often passive-aggressive. It feels much better to own what it is that I need and go after it.

But, On The Other Hand, It’s Good To Question What I Need

If I only focus on fulfilling my needs without questioning those needs, I may become a slave to my needs. And I can end up becoming just as angry or depressed (and maybe even actively aggressive) when I’m unable to fulfill those needs easily. 

My attachment to fulfilling those needs can be a big cause of stress. So, while it is true that fulfilling my needs reduces stress, being attached to fulfilling my needs when I can’t fulfill them increases stress. 

What A Delicate Dance!

Should I be less attached or more attached to fulfilling my needs? The answer for me lies in finding the balance, the sweet spot between these two opposites. I like to do both. I like to question my needs AND try to fulfill them. 

This weird kind of action with non-attachment creates a perfect blend of freedom for me. It is the best of both worlds. By honouring my needs, I am able to do what I can to fulfill them. And by questioning my needs, I am able to hold my needs loosely even as I try to fulfill them. 

This feels like a graceful kind of dance where I’m happy either way. If I get what I want, great! If don’t, no problem. It also frees up the creative mind to fulfill those needs in unusual and unexpected ways. I love how the questioned mind runs forward without hesitation to fulfill what it wants while remaining free from the need to actually achieve what it wants. 

One More Place For Inquiry

I literally question need statements when I do The Work, “I need him to agree with me, is it true?” And I turn them around and find examples of why “I don’t need him to agree with me.” This is very freeing. 

But I also use The Work in another way that honours the need directly. I question any thought that would stop me from doing what it takes to fulfill the need. This addresses any negative attachment (to not taking action) and it can be equally freeing. 

When there is neither negative attachment (I can’t do it) nor positive attachment (I need it), there is freedom on all sides. This is a place where I can live and enjoy and expand and grow and be content with whatever I’m able to do. 

Find Your Own Balance

Just because you question something, doesn’t mean you have to abandon the desire. The Work only removes the attachment part. Learn how to question this attachment part and find your own sense of balance.

A great way to gain experience with this process is to take The Work 101 course. We support you to find your own internal balance here.

Have a great week,
Todd

“I took a drink of water one day, and it went down what people call ‘the wrong pipe’—that is it went down the right pipe even though people say it’s wrong. I was breathing water, not air, and because I didn’t believe the story that it was supposed to be air, there was no problem. Because I didn’t have the concept, ‘I need to breathe,’ I was a fish for a moment or two. The water went down, then it came up. It was very gentle, as if my lungs were being rinsed. But if I had believed the concept, ‘I need to breathe,’ it could have been stressful.” Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy

Further reading: There’s a Want Behind Every Stress

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Listen to the extended version of this article ​in video format.

How To Hold Someone Who Is Angry

You may find it easier to hold someone when they’re sad, confused, or even frustrated. But when it comes to anger, it can often feel like too much to hold because there is so much intensity and blame in anger. I’ve even experienced feeling contempt when I see anger. I’m quick to judge it. After all, “Blame and impatience are bad,” is an old religion of mine.

But in reality, holding someone who is angry is no different than holding someone in any other state of mind, except for one thing—if anger triggers you. If anger does indeed trigger you, you may find it impossible to hold someone who is angry. Let’s look a little closer at this.

Angry People Need Understanding

When someone is angry, he or she is probably in need of love and support, but if it’s not given in just the right way, it will be rejected. And that anger which was focused on someone else may get turned on you. This possibility can be very scary.

So what exactly does an angry person need? In my experience, the main thing an angry person needs is to vent and just be heard. Anger arose because they didn’t get what they wanted, or because they felt invaded in some way. Anger is the reaction to this: wanting to use force and fire to expand again after being forced somehow to contract.  

That fire is already activated and it may need to just be allowed to be for a while until it can start to dissipate. Anger is an outward-pushing emotion. An angry person needs to feel that the listener offers no further resistance to that outward movement. They need to feel that they are allowed to be angry. Any attempt to root out the anger or get rid of it will be met with more anger. 

But Won’t This Burn Out of Control?

The fear is that anger will spread uncontrollably if it is not contained. But this is only true if there are other flammable materials around to burn. If I am trying to stop their anger, my frustration in not being able to do so will make me angry too. This is how the fire spreads.

But, if I don’t need them to stop being angry, and I’m clear that they just need to express that anger for a while, there is nothing in me to catch fire. I’m non-flammable. 

How To Be Non-Flammable

Are there any ways to become less triggered by anger? 

Here are some interesting options:

1. Question your desire to stop their anger. Doing The Work of Byron Katie on thoughts like, “I want him to calm down,” or “I want him to see it’s not that bad,” “He shouldn’t be angry,” etc., can open new ways of understanding. When I see how understandable it is that he is angry, then I can be truly there for him. (And it doesn’t mean I have to join him in his anger.)

2. Question your beliefs about anger. Using The Work of Byron Katie, question any beliefs that you bring about anger. For example, “Anger is toxic,” “Blaming is bad,” “Anger is contagious,” “Anger is never justified,” “If I listen to the anger, I have to agree with it,” “I will be sucked in,” “I can’t validate his anger,” “You’re not supposed to express anger.” These fears and assumptions often change dramatically when they are questioned.

3. Question your own angry thoughts. If you are triggered by anger, write your angry thoughts about the angry person on a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. This is your anger work. And notice other times when you’re angry (even a little) in any situation. Doing The Work on any situation that causes you anger will not only give you compassion for those who get angry, but it may also make you less triggered by anger in general. 

If It’s Too Much

Working on anger can be a process. If you are called to hold someone with their anger and it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong is simply stating that truth and giving them space without you there. That is the time to exit and do some work on the stressful thoughts coming up for you instead.

Whose Business Is Their Anger?

Another person’s anger is not my business. I especially try to stay in my business around someone who is angry. They are going to be very sensitive to that. 

Sure, they could work through their anger quicker if they questioned their stressful thoughts about the situation. Doing The Work would be great. But only if and when they decide to do it from their side. Suggesting that they do The Work may also be taken as a desire to control or change them. The same goes for sharing any wisdom tips.

Who would I be without any need to change their anger? I would be free, available, kind, patient, and understanding. These are all the qualities necessary to hold someone who is angry. 

Ready To Write Some Worksheets?

If you want to see what anger can teach you (your own anger or someone else’s), join me for The Work 101, my in-depth online course for going deeply into self-inquiry. We go meditatively through several Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheets in the course and anger is a favourite topic. Bring your situations and let’s explore together.

Have a great week,
Todd

“To take it a step further, can you really know that you feel hurt because Paul is angry? Is Paul’s anger actually causing your hurt? Might it be possible for you, in another frame of mind, to stand there in the full blast of Paul’s anger and not experience it personally at all? What if you could simply listen, calmly and lovingly receiving whatever he says? After inquiry, that was my experience.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Further reading: I Want To Eradicate My Anger

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