The World According to Bitch Cakes

Email from Dad, Part 8: New Year's

2010-12-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

On Wed, Dec 29, 2010 at 8:48 PM, Dad wrote:

Hi Sheryl,it's google time.Just read your latest googles.Having me there on Feb.1st is a great idea,I'm looking forward to the event.The talk we had on the phone today,I don't remember you telling me the new cat's name and arrival date.You sounded happy on the phone.Also,what are your plans with your Christmas money? I'm sure you will have good plans.I don't think you should consider the Human Fund for a tax write off.Years ago I would workout on New Years eve to end the year with a workout, then workout again on New Years day to start the year with a workout.Now that I have embraced 21st century technology,my time is limited with all my commitments[Billy,Andy,Rudy,and the list goes on],and prep for the 22nd century of which I have in progress.Have you noticed more and more homes have computers and googling,twizzling,endless information,and just plain convience has been made easy?You can thank me later,it was my pleasure to help mankind in my way.Tell your friends,take some of the credit,it was you who inspired me to this vast level of technology.I would like us to get together.We need to set a place and time.Take care of you,do what you like to do.You work hard,your off time is for you. Love,Dad
P.S. This google took a short 25 minutes to complete, with the keys moved and the keyboard on fire from the speed!

Notes:

After 8 months of keeping it from him, I actually gave my Dad my cell phone number this week.
I may be getting a new kitten soon, a baby brother for the Professor!
Dad told me today he is so advanced with 21st century technology, he is now taking on 22nd century technology!

Oh my god, his emails make me laugh...

When my Dad first started talking about my Reality Show

2010-12-29T12:13:00.002-05:00

Originally posted on myspace, January 10, 2008, but I thought this would give you a nice history of how long my Dad has been hung up on this "reality show" idea for me -

Since my appearance in Allure- my Dad has NOT stopped talking about it. He thinks this is going to be the "start" of something. What? You ask? Well he has it all planned out for me-

A reality show.

About me.

He pitches it to me as "Just cameras following you around for a week- 24 x 7! People will get to see the real Sheryl!"

Well I can tell you what an absolute disappointment that would be right now: I visit Starbucks at least twice a day. I go to the bathroom a lot. I talk to my cats. I spend unhealthy amounts of time looking at myself. I'm on the internet constantly. I text a lot. I answer, out loud, to questions in my head. I work. I shop. I clean. I organize. I count stuff. I obsess. I commute. And I work out (but that's been well documented) and I sleep. Occasionally I have sex. (ed note: that 'occasionally' has dropped to 'never')

That's about it. I swear, it's not nearly as exciting as you might think.

But he has started calling me and leaving me voice mails at work:

"Hello. Ms Sheryl? This is NBC calling and we are interested in you for a reality show. We want the viewers to know what your life is really like! We'll film you for a week straight. It will be called 'A week with Sheryl'. We'll be arranging a meeting with you soon!"

I've had several of these voice mails from "an NBC Executive"...

And when he calls me and gets through, he will actually say "So, have you heard from NBC yet?!" (I assume he picks NBC because he knows how much I love 30 Rock)

But what I didn't realize is that he's been talking to my brother about this. So much so, that my brother actually called me a few nights ago and said-

"I gotta ask you, because Dad keeps mentioning it- are you really going to be on a reality show? Because if so, I want to be on it!"

"NO! THERE IS NO REALITY SHOW! I'M DEATHLY HORRIFIED OF THE THOUGHT OF SEEING MYSELF ON VIDEO, FOR PETE'S SAKE! DAD IS JUST CRAZY!!!!!"

So put down your Tivo and DVR remotes, kids, there is no new Bitch Cakes programming you need to record...

5 Years Ago Today - A significant day in my life

2010-12-28T17:00:00.028-05:00

5 years ago today I moved to Brooklyn - December 28, 2005. It was one of the scariest decisions I ever made and it was harder on me than I can tell you. 2005 was by far the most difficult year of my life - in April my husband and I decided that our marriage was really over. (He had already moved out the year before.) In May I put my house on the market. By the end of June I was officially divorced.

For months, I had to deal with lawyers & real estate people for the selling of my house and it really took a toll on me. I was so depressed - I ate a lot, drank a lot, gained weight and if that wasn't enough - the stress was so much on me, I actually developed alopecia - losing giant clumps of hair! (My hair! One of the few things I liked about myself!) To make matters more stressful, it took me a really long time to find a place to live - I didn't even see this apartment until the week before Christmas, and I had to be out of the house by New Year's Eve. I really cut it close, but got so lucky. I love my apartment and my neighborhood.

Move day had its own challenges - I had to do the entire thing myself - from the packing to organizing to unpacking and arranging. I was out of shape and exhausted - mentally and physically. I had serious problems with the movers (including them not showing up because they mistakenly cancelled my appointment! and having to demand they send people over because I *had* to be out of my house that day). About 10 hours later, I remember collapsing on my couch when they finally left - only to hear my neighbor's 3 little girls running around and screaming. At the time, I thought "What did I get myself into?!" and wondered if I had made a terrible decision moving here.

This is a blog I put up on Myspace on January 15, 2006 with photos of how my place looked at the time. For the most part, it looks the same, except now it's painted and there have been some small furniture changes. (My notes added today are in RED)

Many of you have asked about my new place. I finally made enough progress to take pics for you. You'll see some boxes & random carts in some of the pics, that will all eventually be gone of course. Anyway, it's a railroad apartment- The place is long, but a little narrow. There is a large room at the front of the house that I use for my bedroom/computer room. Here are pics from there: The yellow dinette is at the very front of the room-

(That's my cat, Booba. She died last year. She was such a bitch! And I loved that table. I 'lent' it to an ex and he destroyed it and I never got it back. Thanks, Matthew!)

Behind the dinette, I have a bamboo room divider so people can't see in from off the street - here is the rest of the room behind the divider -

(Look! It's the Hello Kitty Cruiser! She barely had 5 miles on her at the time! And I no longer have that dresser, I gave it back to my ex-husband and bought my own, the beautiful new big one with mirror I have now)

Here is a full view of the room from the adjoining hall-

and some detail pics of the room-

(I replaced that crappy Ikea dresser with a nice Heywood Wakefield Highboy earlier this year)

The hallway has all sorts of stuff that I haven't figured out what to do with yet, and some things that need to be hung, gotten rid of or put in storage. Whatever is left will be neatly rearranged and put on the black shelves- I bought a red curtain to put up to wrap around the shelves so they are out of view, but I haven't had time to put it up yet. A major job was getting the cleaning closet from Ikea put together and set up yesterday. What a joy that was! I hadn't organized anything in so long, I forgot how much I missed it. Here it is-

Here's the full horror of the hallway-

And then that leads to another large room- I split it into the dining and living rooms. The only closets are in this room. They're floor to ceiling though! And my ceilings are about 10 feet high. Here's they are-

And right next to these closets is the dining room set up-

And in that same large room is the living room-

(this is how the couch looked before Littleton got to it. He's since torn it to shreds)

This is a view of the 2 rooms-

There is an alcove in this room, which was perfect to install the Ikea closet that I use to store my bathroom supplies. This also went up yesterday. Here it is closed -

and open

Then there's a hallway leading to the kitchen, but on the way there is the bathroom, which is super small and hard to photograph, but here it is-

(of course I have an MTA subway map shower curtain now)

And finally, the kitchen-

Ikea didn't have the door for the pantry I bought, so this is obviously still a work in progress too-

(ew, this was when I still drank soda. Not often, but still. Gross!)

So that's the place. I didn't have time to paint and I haven't hung anything yet. (I have a ton of stuff to hang) but that's the layout. I actually felt more 'normal' today than I have in weeks- I did laundry for the first time since moving out and didn't even mind the laundromat. I actually had fun. I also mopped the apartment for the first time because I have more access to the floor after doing all the cabinets yesterday. I only wish that now that things are finally settling down and I will soon have a real routine, that my Smokey was here. It's so unfair. I keep looking over at the bed wishing I would see him there curled up on my pillow like he always was. I had no time for him the last month and now he's gone. God I miss him so much.

(My beloved Smokey died on January 10th, just 12 days after moving in. I adore that cat and I still miss him so much)

(Here is a set of random apartment photos, including what it looks like now. Beautiful paint job and all)

It wasn't the smoothest path to Brooklyn, but I'm so thankful I took that huge leap, and survived it. In the 5 years I've been here so far, my life has changed in so many great ways and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else right now. In fact, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. And it feels great to say that. I still think moving to Brooklyn was probably the most significant life decision I've made to date. I'm so happy to be here, geographically, and where I am in my life right now. I'm proud to be a resident of NYC who resides in the county of Kings. Thank you, Brooklyn! And thank you, Greenpoint, for being so awesome!

My Awesome Weekend with Shel

2010-12-27T18:48:00.007-05:00

Dear Diary,
This story is long overdue, but it must be told! Back in July, my gchat status read: "I have amazing weekend plans with a woman I never met!". And it was true. Here's the back story first...

In early May, I received an email from a woman named Shel. She contacted me after she had been inexplicably looking up 'Tabasco Tattoos'. Of course she came across my blogs as a result, and she wrote to me -

I was looking up Tabasco tattoos and stumbled across your blog. just a quick note (because it seems you have quite the following) to say KUDOS!

great look (before, during and after), great tats, and great blog.

LOVE the pin up look.. not many can carry it off. you. go. grrl.

Amusingly enough, just minutes after sending me that initial note, she found my "anti-tattoo" blog, and wrote back to apologize.

Now, I get a lot of emails from readers, and can't respond to everyone. But her notes were funny and endearing, so I couldn't help but respond. And this correspondence went on daily for a while as she got caught up on my blogs (all of them, I think!). She would send me her reaction and perspective or asked follow up questions. I always looked forward to hearing from her and getting her take on things.

Then, in late June, she told me she had plans to come to NYC in early July. I felt like I knew her and I insisted we meet. Not only did we meet - but she made real plans for us! And I had what was one of the most fun & memorable weekends of the year with her! This is what we did:

July 1, Thursday night-
I met Shel after getting off the train in my kingdom, Grand Central Terminal. I knew what she looked like already, but upon meeting her, she & her manerisms were pretty much exactly what I imagined her to be like from her email and text banter. She picked me up - literally - (something I kind of encouraged her to do, but still - it's fun! People love to pick me up!) right in front of the information booth/clock in the main hall. Good times!

From there, I escorted her down Lexington Ave to her friend's place. But since we were early, we stopped for a beer and chatted some more. It was like having a drink with an old friend.

July 2, Friday night-
After work, Shel and I got Thai food from my favorite Thai place in my neighborhood and I got all dolled up for a very special event - we were going to a bar called "Milk and Honey" on the LES of Manhattan. I never even heard of this place, but somehow she found it! Turns out this is a 'members only' bar that occasionally allows mere mortals like myself and Shel to visit. It's the kind of thing that I would be far too intimidated to even consider doing. But not Shel! She wrote to them, explained our situation and asked if we could patronize their establishment. In fact, I have to share what she wrote because it's hilarious -

I am going to be in NYC this weekend and was looking/asking around for *the* best place to take my friend (aka. tour guide) for an amazing time and perfect drinks. I heard your establishment mentioned over and over again.

After looking on the website I see you have to be a member, unless you have a reservation. Can you fill me in on the requirements for possibly getting a non-membership reservation? And what that might entail? I don't know anyone, have a ton of money or drive a fancy car; so I'm hoping those aren't requirements. If the possibility of a reservation is based more on eclectic/diverse clientele then we'd win. My "date" is 24/7 1940's style pin-up girl, who cruises NYC on her pink bicycle in full dress and heels and I'm a nice old school butch dyke who rides a Harley.

OMG how hilarious!!!!

I am not sure if it's because it was a holiday weekend (NYC is a ghost-town on holiday weekends) or because of how charming her email was, but they accepted! We were granted an appointment! (That's right, you get an appointment to visit this bar).

I made her take the subway, the J Train, showing her how beautiful NYC is from the Williamsburg Bridge and pointing out "my bridges" (the Brooklyn & Manhattan) as the train carried us over the East River to our destination. We got off at Essex St -

And since we were early for our 'appointment', we stopped in a bar on Allen for a quick pre-drink drink. I had my favorite, Hoegaarden, which I proceeded to drink in 3 large sips/gulps. (Seriously. I knocked back a pint of beer in 3 gulps. I am not sure if I'm proud or horrified... but this is one of Shel's favorite moments of the weekend, me in full hair, makeup, dress & heels downing that drink!)

And then it was over to the (shhhhh!) secret door...

We entered and were seated by the same woman who accepted our email request.

I have no pics of us in the establishment since it was dark and I didn't want to cause any attention that would get us thrown out, but of course I took a photo in the bathroom -

Our waitress was a petite brunette with a sexy raspy voice. She explained that they suggest cocktails based on our preferences and asked what we like/were in the mood for. I was dying for something ginger-y all day. And told her I also love lemon/tart flavors. She offered up the "Dark & Stormy" - a cocktail that included real ginger (I don't remember what else was in it - gin perhaps?). I'm not kidding when I tell you it was the BEST cocktail I ever had in my life. It was topped with a piece of real candied ginger, too! I loved it and ordered another :)

We hung out there for a while, enjoying our beverages, conversation and the surreal excitement of it all, eventually taking the J Train back to Brooklyn.

Saturday, July 3rd:
On Saturday, Shel came back to Greenpoint and I actually went out for lunch! We had sushi in my neighborhood. Yum and yum!

And then I had the fun of playing dress up again because we had more super fun plans on Saturday night - Shel was taking me on a sunset cruise around Manhattan!!! I even had a chance to drive - a car! - for the first time in over a year! Shel let me drive from Brooklyn to the West Side of Manhattan where we had to board the yacht. Sometimes I really miss driving. The thrill of cutting people off, beeping, giving the finger and cursing like the crazy bitch I am. It really gets my blood flowing! %$#^@& I love it!

Since we arrived early, we wandered around for a bit. I couldn't resist taking this photo (and I love the reaction of the couple sitting behind me!)

We even had time for a pre-yacht drink! Here I am, showing off my boarding pass-

Look how beautiful this boat is!

Throw me in a beautiful dress, put me in good company, and slap a glass of alcohol in my hand and just look at that smile!

What a spectacularly beautiful night for a cruise around Manhattan!!!

When Shel asked me about going on a cruise with her (I hate boats & water) I told her I would do it under one condition - if we could get a photo of us, with our arms entwined, holding our glasses of champagne. She was good enough to oblige! (and even better enough to give me her glass after the photo - turns out she doesn't like champagne!)

I love this city!!!

And just look at my bridges! The beautiful Brooklyn -

And the majestic Manhattan -

Aw, look how cute we are!!!

We made it all the way to the Statue of Liberty. How stunning is that? Seriously? Every time I look at her, I try to imagine my Great Grandfather coming from Italy circa 1914 and seeing her for the first time. I can't even imagine the range of emotions and thoughts going on in his teenage mind. How incredible to think about though -

I love you, Lady Liberty!

Here are a few more shots from that cruise -

What do you know? It's me, in a bathroom!

The Empire State Building was illuminated in red white and blue for the 4th of July holiday -

When the boat returned, it was dark, but the night was still young! We went back to Greenpoint and hit up Enid's for a few more cocktails. Of course I had to photograph myself in that bathroom too (I always look great in there, I need to figure out their lighting situation and get some of that for my apartment...)

Sunday July 4th:
Sunday was the 4th of July. I went for a big bike ride and I wanted to get Shel a gift to let her know how much I appreciated her visit and all the fun we had, so part of that bike ride was a trip over to Astor Wine & Liquor in Manhattan, where I bought her a bottle of Absolut Peppar. It's her favorite, and something she can't seem to get where she lives. Then I rode my bike to her hotel in Brooklyn to deliver it. But I hadn't rode my bike the day before and had a lot biking I wanted to do - so I rode all over Brooklyn and eventually went back to Manhattan again, so I could stop on the West Side and catch the Macy's firework display.

Later that evening, I met up with Shel and we went over to Park Slope to hang out with a few of her friends at a bar. Naturally, when I went to the bathroom, they talked about me. And apparently, the butch community seems to agree that I come across very "femme" (Shel had to explain all of this stuff to me. I didn't know it or understand it before and I'm not sure I fully understand it now). This surprised me - am I so feminine that I don't come across straight? I never even considered that! I just really love being a woman, and all the fun, girly things that entails! Now, don't get me wrong, I love being doted upon by members of either sex, but I do have an insatiable craving for men. However, if butches appreciate my 'femme' look, I'm totally fine with that! Thank you ladies! Keep the compliments coming!

Monday, July 5th:
Sadly, all good things must come to an end and this was Shel's last day. She had to return to her normal life and drive back home. :(

Shel, this was, by far, one of the most fun weekends I ever had. In fact, the time we spent together was way better than most dates I've been on. I love that you 'get' me and that you're so easy going (and let me just be myself). I hope you get to come back to NYC soon. I'd love to hang out with you again! And what's up with Biker Chicz? Is that show gonna happen, or what? I want to see you on the TV!

(My entire set of photos can be seen here)

Email from Dad, Part 7: Festivus

2010-12-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

On Fri, Dec 24, 2010 at 5:56 PM, Dad wrote:

Hi Sheryl,it's the google man googling to remind you "FESTIVAS FOR THE REST OF US".I donated a sizable cash gift in your name to THE HUMAN FUND [20 thousand dollars].I'm sure you are over joyed to learn this. Did the Professor dress as a Santa helper? I hope you're not having second thougths about me being with you on Feb.1.Don't worry,when I get finished talking to the guests and the media reps,everyone will know why you should have your reality show.Take care of yourself,you count and alot of people depend on you as a friend and inspiration. Love, Dad

I replied:

Hi Dad!
So glad you are celebrating Festivus this year. Festivus for the rest of us! How did you do with the feats of strength? I've been practicing all year so I could destroy the competition.

You even remembered the Human Fund! People helping people! How kind! Can I consider that a tax deductible donation in my name for this year's taxes? Thanks :)

Yeah, I'm beginning to wonder if having you there on Feb 1st is such a good idea...

I hope you and Maria had a good Christmas. I couldn't get the Professor to dress up. Maybe next year.

xo Sheryl

PS Good luck in this blizzard that's on its way!

Happy Festivus to one and all!

The Obligatory Christmas Blog- but this one is in the Bronx, 70's style

2010-12-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

(I can't believe I never put this up, but considering the time of year, I had to bring it over from Myspace. I originally posted this on Christmas, 2006.)

Let's face it- Christmas is for kids. Every year I lose more and more interest in Christmas. It's now just a nice day off. The roads are quiet, but unfortunately most of the stores are closed. Anyway, I decided to go through my old family album and scan some photos of Christmas past. Enjoy...

1971- I was just 4 months old. Needless to say, I don't remember this Christmas very well. I don't know what to say about my Mother's tree decorating aesthetic, but I was too young to argue. And yes, that's my Dad dressed as Santa.

1972- My brother had been born just a few weeks earlier, and I guess my Mom was too busy dealing with the little demon, so there were no family pics. I only have this one of Santa traumatizing me-

1973- Christmas Eve. Again, look at the garland on this tree. She insisted on going not only AROUND the tree with this nightmare, but up and down. It wasn't until I was 16 that I convinced her to stop doing this (or maybe she was tired of listening to my bitch about it...)

That's my brother on my Dad's lap, and my Uncle Dom and Grandpa Frank who I mentioned in a previous blog. I am guessing Aunt Inez didn't trust us because not only is the couch covered in plastic, but it appears there is also a white sheet to protect it from us.

Christmas night at my cousin's apartment by the Bronx Zoo. She's my favorite cousin (Hi Chrissy, are you reading this?) and I am pretty sure this is the Christmas I was accused of "locking her" in her play refrigerator. I am neither confirming nor denying it happened. I'm just saying that if I did do it, I was probably just jealous because I didn't get a fake kitchen for Christmas.

Here is my brother, causing mischief no doubt, but what I find interesting is- look to his right- is it just me or is that some sort of Playboy paraphernalia? Nothing says Christmas like boobies!

1974- My parents were smart enough to get a picture of the toys before they woke us up. I still remember that I loved playing with that McDonalds restaurant. (Note the wood paneling in my apartment. I have an aversion to wood paneling to this day- no doubt from my early days in this apartment).

And we came running in on cue

I totally remember riding that "fire truck" around the front yard (when I say yard, I mean the 6 foot by 15 foot cement fenced in area, this was the Bronx after all).

That same year we visited my Great Grandparents on Southern Blvd in the Bronx, and I just think these two photos are a wonderful time capsule. I love how Great Grandma Celia is over the stove (back, left). That's me, in the back, by the door.

Look at the lamps and abundance of gaudiness, not to mention the plastic on the couch. Can you guess we're Italian?

Here are more Christmas photos -

1975 and Dad is dressed as Santa again. I don't know how he fooled us, but he did (yes, that's me below)

1976 Our living room Christmas display - This is just so tacky

But it didn't stop me from tearing into my presents

1977 Christmas Eve and I wore my "holly hobbie" dress. I loved that dress.

My brother loved the Fonz. AAAYYYYYYYYY

As usual my hair is out of control (Christmas morning)

My Dad, the avid body builder, gave "baby dumbbells" to his baby dumbbells.

1978 Seriously, I will never understand her aesthetic-

but I guess as long as there were gifts with my name on them, I didn't care too much

The next year (1979) we were in Yonkers and for some reason they stopped documenting our Christmas's.

Email from Dad, Part 6, Update on the ESB Stair Climb

2010-12-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, you likely know I am climbing the 86 flights of stairs in the Empire State Building on February 1st. I recently found out I am allowed to invite one guest to this event! Naturally, I invited my Dad. I told him this over the phone, so then I emailed him a little more info:

From Sheryl, December 16:

Hi Dad,
Googling you to tell you that I think you don't have to be there until 7:30, that's when I (and the other "athletes") arrive/check in. I believe they release us into the stairs at 8am. I'll tell you better as it gets closer and I get more information, but this is all I have for now:
"Each team member will be allowed to invite one guest to be with them before the start. There will be a staging area on the 2nd Floor where you will register, check your baggage and prepare for the race before heading down to the 1st Floor for the official start. Because of the configuration and size of the Observatory Deck where the finish will take place, there will be no access there for anyone but race participants, media and race officials. You will have earned your way to the TOP!"
If you can stick around for the 1/2 hour event (I estimate it will take me 20 minutes to do the climb, a few minutes at the top for photo opps and then the elevator down), I think you can join me for the post race festivities on the 61st floor (again, I have to find out for sure). Just think - while you're waiting, you could share your googling, twizzling and speed secrets with the rest of the stair climber's guests! Perhaps you can even teach a seminar "Keyboards with Moving Keys: How to Google despite this troubling trend" Think of the potential to share your brilliance and wisdom on an unsuspecting public!

I'll tell you more when I hear from them. Till then, get your tips & tricks ready!
xo Sheryl

From Dad, December 17:

Hi Sheryl,received your latest google.I may want to share some Roman history or perhaps some fun facts about Elvis,He is the KING,of rock and roll.I have planed to stay beyond the finish time to inform the media who you are and incourage a reality show for you.As you can tell by your google and twizzle following,you are an inspiration for many.Now it's time to go nation wide with a show on cable.A small part for me and Tommy would be nice.Think of all the stories I can tell,and I remember plenty.Hope you are well.Do things for you that you like.You work hard and you get your job done,now it's your time!I saw the cartoon you told me about,I'm still laughing when I think about it. Google you later,Love Dad

Things to know:

My Dad is a HUGE history buff. The man knows and can recite hours worth of historical facts and stories. Needless to say, this bored me to tears growing up. I hated history (I loved math & art). And one of his favorite quotes is "History is why you are where you are today". I am pretty sure he made that up.
My Dad *loves* Elvis. Me, I was more of a Beatles fan growing up. Now I appreciate Elvis and 50's rock. But I have never had an appreciation for Elvis the way my Dad does. He actually went to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame a few years ago when they had the Elvis exhibit and I'm fairly certain he spent the ENTIRE DAY there - from opening till closing. Not once, but TWO DAYS in a row.
As I mentioned, he is hell bent on making that "Life with Sheryl" show happen... Never mind I have a serious phobia about being on video.
The man has a remarkable memory. He really does have a million "Sheryl stories". It would be mortifying.
The cartoon I showed him was this awesomely hilarious link my friends Sherry & Rowan circulated on gmail & twitter. I swear this is the Professor trying to get my attention when I'm on the computer. I laughed harder from than than I've laughed in a very long time!
Oh, and remember I told you I get greeting cards from the Professor? One arrived just today. With a check. I don't know what that cat is up to when I'm at work. I just hope it's legal...

Email from Dad, Part 5, Everything Else

2010-12-14T20:47:00.008-05:00

These are the older email exchanges between me and my Dad, to bring you up to speed. I highlighted my favorite parts...

Sept 10th - my first email to my Dad:

Just wondering if you are wearing your Bermuda shorts.

Explanation: Because before getting a computer and going online, he said that he would have to wear his bermuda shorts when he "surfs the web"...

Sept 24, from Dad:

good luck wishing u the best i think maria keeps moving the letters on my keyboard having trouble finding letters love u my celebrity daughter waiting to appear on your show life with sheryl

1) Maria = his wife.
2) Moving the letters on the keyboard = he can't remember where they are.
3) My Dad has been telling me for years that I should have a reality show. In his mind, it's called "Life with Sheryl" and yes, he has a role as himself...

Summer 2003 - Maria, Dad & Me (I was about 190-195 pounds here)

Sept 25, from Me:

I think you're having problems because your fingers are too big. You should see if they have a special keyboard for that!

Seriously - the man has giant sausage fingers! I don't have any idea how he uses a cell phone.

Sept 30 from Me:

See if you can reply to this email! I dare you! If you want an extra challenge, use some capitalization and/or punctuation!

Sept 30 from Dad:

FROM YOUR FATHER!!! Of course I can. I am back googleing away.Love DAD.......

Wow he used captitalization & punctuation for the first time! I am so proud!

Oct 10 From Dad:

Hi Sheryl thanks for stopping by my job.You look great! Keep up the good work.I would like to see you to talk to you longer.Your eyes were red,tired?irratation?Hopefully nothing serious.Please let me know.Remember I am the FATHER I have the contract!I rule with an iron fist!That is all for now Bill Gates is calling,again. LOVE, DAD

1) "Rule with an iron fist" - he used this line on me & my brother when we were young and he was left in charge to watch us. Then he would take us to Nathan's to play video games or make us ice cream sundaes.
2) You can read more about "The Contract" here...

3) This is the first time I learned that he was in such high demand from Mr Bill Gates (and the use of "again" makes it even funnier!)

(me, visiting Dad at work)

Oct 11 from Sheryl Yvette:

Thank you, yes I do look pretty fantastic!!

My eyes were red from allergies - I was biking without my sunglasses and dust and stuff gets in them and makes them water while I'm riding. Stupid allergies!

Yeah, yeah, contract, schmontract...

Better not keep Bill Gates waiting!

Oct 22 from Dad:

Hi Sheryl, Just googling to say hello hope u r well. Hope u noticed short spelling of words Bill was impressed with my googling expertise.I realize u r very busy at work but leave some time for U.Bike, exercise,clean, just do something u like.Thinking of you. Love Dad.

Oct 25 from Sheryl:

Hi Dad, work has been awful and I worked most of the weekend. Yesterday I had a bike tour - 72 miles in the bronx. I passed by the old house on Matilda and even went through your new hood in Riverdale! Other than that, all I have done is work and sleep. This is the first chance I even had to check this email. Hope you're well.

Oct 26 from Dad:

Hi Sheryl, Just me googling to let u know I received your google.Sorry to hear about your tough work schedule. Think about the fun u had on the weekend and plan something for u this weekend.Keyboard is on fire due to speed,keys have been moved again.I can still get the job done!Hope u r well and not neglecting yourself. Love, Dad

Oct 27 from Me:

Hi Dad, I'm going to try to have fun this weekend- it's Halloween. Probably will go out with my friend Jaci at night but Sunday morning I have a 5 mile run in Central Park. 5 miles! I never ran that much in one day! Wish me luck! I do need to take better care of myself though, I tend to not do that when I get stressed out :(

Oct 27 from Dad:

Hi Sheryl,received your google.Good luck with your run on Sunday.When u start to feel tired,just remember hundreds of people only wish they had the strenth,determination,and ability to do what u r doing.Do not neglect yourself,when u feel stress coming think happy thoughts, think of whats best for u.You count.Nobody is going to take better care of u than you.Best of luck on Sunday. Love, Dad

Oct 28 from Dad: (I think this is my favorite email to date!)

Hi Sheryl,received your google.Knowing u I feel u will reach your goal.Nobody can take better care of u than u! I now consider myself the urban traveler. I have been offered a job helping to re-design the Public Transportation System due to the savvy intelligence I have displayed in using the current system.When one wants solitude, the subway is the answer,when we seek light or open brightness the bus is there.This will take alot of time and energy,but duty calls! I will have to stall Bill on our corrent projects. Stay well. When I become rich and famous I will remember U and Tommy. Love, Dad

The MTA seriously needs to adopt that quote. It's brilliant - "When one wants solitude, the subway is the answer,when we seek light or open brightness the bus is there."

Oct 29 from Me:

Wow, I have to tell you. I really enjoy your emails!!!!! Thanks Dad, that made my morning.

I'm sure you have civic duty to attend to this Tuesday, being it's Election Day and all. I, for one, refuse to vote with those awful new machines. How dare they remove those gorgeous WWII army green ones!!!!

Did you see the link I sent you to the Riverdale Press? It had an article about the bike tour with a photo of me and the caption mentioned my dad, Tom, lives in Riverdale! I hope you saw it!

Oct 29 from Dad:

Hi,its me googling away with speed beyond imagination.Please let me know the date of the paper. I do not read the paper.If necessary I will go to the library and secure a copy. On Sunday wear running shoes no HEELS! I am going in training for the city run on Nov.7.Between my new job with the MTA,Billy Gates,the city run,Election Day inspector, and my old job,its good I can speed google.Wishing u the best on Sunday(plenty of water, running shoes, stretching,inhale thru the nose exhale thru the mouth,tissues for a clear nose).I will be cheering for you. Love, Dad

"in training for the city run on Nov 7" - that would be the NYC Marathon! This was, of course, a total lie. I'm not sure he has ever run a mile...

Nov 1 from Dad:

Hello,this is Mr.Google,how are u?I hope the run on Sunday went well.We saw your picture via the link in the Riverdale Press.You looked great even Hello Kitty bike looked good.So where is the new bike?What other new events are coming up?Is everything getting settled at work?Any news on a new fashion show?I am speeding thru this keyboard faster than Superman.So far 15minutes. Not bad?One day,time permitting,I will teach u and others my speed secrets. Love,Dad P. S. Did u remember the reminders I sent you? Be well, I will be googling.

Nov 4 from Me:

Hi Dad. I mean "Mr Google". I'm ok. The run did not go so well, my ankle was bothering me. I had to walk most of it. But at least I did it.

I'm glad you finally saw the link of me on my bike in Riverdale. Did you see the caption? I mentioned you, so they printed it.

The new bike is sitting in my apartment gathering dust. I glare at it everyday.

No new events scheduled right now. No more bike tours until spring :( and no other running events that I'm registered for yet, but I might do one in Prospect Park in December. Also no new fashion shows.

I'm looking forward to your "speed secrets" especially considering I knocked this email out in under 2 minutes.

Where are you going this weekend? I know you mentioned going away for your birthday. I hope you have your itinerary!
Nov 7 from Dad:

Hi Sheryl,received your google. Speeding along the keys am I.We are going to Punta Cana Monday morning and coming back Saturday night.Yes I read your caption under your picture, and I now have news reporters knocking on my door to ask if the Tom in your caption is me.Thank you for the popularity.12 minutes so far.I hope u r taking care of yourself.Talk to u soon,stay well. Love, Dad

I think that gets you caught up on our email exchanges to date. Perhaps one day my Dad will reveal some of these "Speed Secrets" he keeps alluding to - you know, the ones that help him knock out a 4 sentence email in a lightning quick and impressive 15 minutes! (No wonder Billy keeps him on the payroll!)

Also, in case you missed my Tweet today, my Dad told me that thanks to his work on the "Bill Project", googling is now an everyday occurrence! That's right, people are now GOOGLING - EVERY DAY!! and he is sure it is because of his tireless work with Bill. He is truly a hero in the world of "googling". And you may thank him at your earliest convenience.

Email from Dad, Part 4, Twizzle

2010-12-12T22:35:00.002-05:00

(continued from the last installment)

Sheryl Yvette to Dad:

OH MY GOD you have no idea how funny your emails are - no idea!
Yes, I am keeping busy of course and doing well. Those *are* all my favorite things, how did you know?
Funny, I also have a 'below 50 degree' rule/threshold...
I'm picking up a bib tonight @ the NY Road Runners for a 4 mile run in Prospect Park this Saturday. And tomorrow I'm off - I have a spin class (that's indoor biking) and am going to meet up with a friend to attend her Weight Watchers meeting. Speaking of - the PRESIDENT OF WW INTERNATIONAL - retweeted (re-twizzled) something I wrote about WW! How's that for awesome? Pretty awesome!
I'll send the Professor your love. He's a very bad little cat.
xo Sheryl

Dad to Sheryl:

Hi Sheryl,received your twizzle.Hope you did well with your run on Saturday.When I get done with my Billy project, everyone will be able to google and twizzle just like you and me,but in my case,with my superior skill,it will take alot of serious learning to get to my level.As you realize,people respect your knowledge you are very smart with great common sense.When you were in elementary school,I talked to your teacher and she said you didn't like to answer in class.When I talked to you about it,you said you didn't want to give a wrong answer and look dumb.My answer to that was, you don't know if it's wrong until you ask and the dumbest question is the one that is not asked.That theory was developed by me.I hope everything went well at WW.The Professor is not bad,he just misses you,he thinks you are his Momma Love, Dad

O.M.G! HE USED TWIZZLE! He says "twizzle" all the time instead of "tweet". And no, he's not on Twitter (not that I know of, anyway)
"Billy" is of course, Bill Gates. My Dad likes to think that with his newfound computer knowledge, he's Bill Gates' right hand man.
He managed to throw in a story of me when I was a kid. He has a million of them. And funny he should say I have great common sense. My mother repeatedly told me I had "no common sense".
"That theory was developed by me" - classic!
He actually sends me Birthday & Mother's Day cards from my cats, the Professor often gives me gifts too. I don't know where he's earning his cash, but maybe I don't want to know...

I almost feel bad stealing all my Dad's emails for the delight of my readers. But they're so funny, I have to share! I suppose the least I could do is give him a call. I'll call him from work tomorrow. But I'm still not giving him my cell phone number.

Email from Dad, Part 3, Random

2010-12-09T21:41:00.000-05:00

On Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 9:11 PM, Mr I wrote:

Hi Sheryl,googling to say hello hope you are well.What's new? All good things,I hope.Just so you know,Horton Hear A Who is on T.V. tonight.Horton must and will save Whoville from disaster.If I wasn't in such demand,I would help him.Are you handling the cold well? I don't like the cold.When the temperature drops below 50,it's to cold for me.Tell the Professor hello from me.Be well,stay well,remember to do things you like for you,exercise, play with your computer[try to advance to my skills],organize,just some examples. Love, Dad

Horton Hears a Who? Really? Why is he telling me this? This is very random - I'm not even a Dr Seuss fan. But I do love his "Horton must and will save Whoville from disaster", but I think it deserves an explanation point for hilarious emphasis.
When he says he's "in such demand" - too much demand to help a cartoon character from an impending disaster - this is a reference to his actual full time job, his part time government jobs (he works for the board of elections & was even on the census bureau!), and his fictitious jobs (working for Giuliani, Bill Gates, the MTA, and whomever else he imagines needs his many skillz).
I have the same rule about 50 degrees and hate when the weather dips under that. I also have a 'no bike riding under 50' rule. Did I ever mention I'm eerily like my Dad?
He obviously knows all of my favorite things - exercising, computer stuff & organizing. Throw in some cooking & cleaning and that's about everything I love to do. Oh, and beer drinking. Don't forget the beer! (Dad's not a drinker...)
"Try to advance to my skills" - his skills of "googling", "twizzling" and pounding out an email at the lightning speed pace of only 30 minutes! (hey, that's good! He's down from 40!)

Did I mention that not giving my Dad my cell phone # is one of the best things I've ever done? I love these insane email exchanges!!!

Email from Dad, Part 2, the Empire State Building Stair Climb

2010-12-01T19:10:00.001-05:00

If you follow my WW blog, you know that 2 months from today, I am going to do something pretty amazing: Climb the 86 flights of stairs in the Empire State Building!!! I haven't been this excited about something since my first bike tour (the 5 Boro, in 2009). Needless to say, I informed my Dad of my latest fitness adventure, via email. Here is the exchange:

On Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 10:21 AM, Sheryl Yvette wrote:

Did I tell you I'm doing the Empire State Building Stair Climb?

Seriously.

I am!
February 1st.
86 flights.
Me vs the stairs!
I can and will be victorious!
If you want to donate, here is the website. I have to raise $2500 for the privilege of this experience.

http://www.active.com/donate/2011MMRFRunUp/brooklyncakes

xo Sheryl

On Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 6:11 PM, Mr I wrote:

Hi Sheryl,just read your google.I'm very impressed.I will donate.If I had to bet,I would bet on you beating the stairs.You never stop surprising me.I remember having a full head of flowing black hair,and suddenly my hair was jumping off my head.Why you ask?Sheryl and Thomas started growing up,and the schneigans and surprises soon followed.Sorry I didn't google you sooner,just to many people pulling at me.Keep me posted.Think postive,exercise properly,eat correctly I know you can do it. Love, Dad

How freaking adorable is that?! This not-giving-my-dad-my-cell-phone-number thing has paid off way more than I ever expected. OMG that's so cute and hilarious, I love it! (I'm not sure if he knows he's using "google" wrong - instead of using "email" - or if he does it on purpose. Either way, it makes me laugh out loud.)

Thanks Dad, for making me laugh and believing in me. Even though we all know it was Tommy that made your hair fall out. I was (still am) an angel! *wink*

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 19: Joe Lentol!

2010-09-12T22:30:00.003-04:00

Attention Registered Democratic Brooklynites! It is super rare that I talk politics, but I have to mention this...

As you probably know, this coming Tuesday September 14th is the primary election. If you are a registered democrat, I urge you to get out this Tuesday and vote for our current Assemblyman Joe Lentol in the primary. In case you are not aware, Joe is our Democratic Assemblyman and represents the Greenpoint, Williamsburg and Fort Greene sections of Brooklyn.

Perhaps you've seen these ads in the local papers or your mailbox?

Did you look carefully to perhaps notice someone you may recognize? Someone like me? and my friend Sherry and even the Hello Kitty Cruiser?!

As a friend and supporter of Mr Lentol, I was thrilled when the super smart and lovely Amy from his office asked me to be a part of his upcoming re-election campaign! (me and Amy, at the Lentol headquarters last month-)

And how could I possibly say no?! I was of course more than happy to meet with, and take a few photos with Mr Lentol for the flyer that you see above. (Thank you, Mr Lentol and your wonderful office staff!)

But you're not voting for me, you're voting for him, so let me tell you just some of the things Mr Lentol cares about and works on for us at a local level that are near and dear to my own heart:

Public Transportation: As mass transit has suffered cuts Lentol has recognized the need for more options for New York City commuters including walking, biking and improving the existing transit. Assemblyman Lentol firmly believes in public transportation. According to his endorsement in the Greenpoint Gazette "Amid fare hikes and service cuts, he offered numerous solutions to the MTA to help protect North Brooklyn’s subway and bus service and led protests when the MTA tried to make cuts." He is a fierce advocate for the G. (I've mentioned him in my commuting blog a few times)

Healthy Eating/Greenmarkets: In addition to supporting community gardens Assemblyman Lentol is a proud supporter of Greenmarkets and other programs aiming to bring high quality, healthy foods into neighborhoods and is escpecially interested in programs that are linked to local growers and small farms allowing communities here in New York City to support farmers throughout the state.

Did someone say beer?! He has also taken the locally grown concept one step farther and taken steps to support New York State wineries and craft breweries. He actually created beer trails program which allows you to choose a region of the state or city and shows you how to visit local breweries, similar to Napa Valley's wine trails.

The Newtown Creek Disaster/Environmental Issues: Joe has been endorsed by the Sierra Club and League of Conservation Voters for his environmental record. He has helped advocate for the Superfund status of Newtown Creek, and been a consistent voice for clean up in the fight against the Exxon Mobil Oil Spill and the Meeker Avenue Plume, most recently helping to bring about health studies and obtaining vapor intrusion testing for homes near the oil spill to ensure the homes are free from potentially dangerous chemicals related to the spill.

Filming in NY: Assemblyman Lentol instituted the film tax credit which has had the number of film and television shows in New York triple giving more jobs to people who work in that industry. (Personally, I love that a ton of stuff is filmed in NYC!)
Dog Parks & Community Gardens:He is currently working to improve several of the dog runs in the neighborhood as well as a number of community gardens. (I don't have a dog, but I think this is great, and important for those that do)
Marriage Equality: When gay marriage first came to a vote in New York, Assemblyman Lentol was one of the leaders in ensuring that it passed the Assembly. (Unfortunately, however, it still has not passed the Senate.)
And probably my biggest passion: BIKING! He has worked to bring more bike racks to North Brooklyn, to bring bike lanes to bridges like the Kosciuscko and to support the Greenway. He has also worked, often in conjunction with transportation alternatives, to pass legislation in Albany that will protect bicyclists and pedestrians alike. Among these is the well-known Hailey and Diego's law which Assemblyman Lentol, as Chairman of the very prominent codes committee, shepherded through the committee system and to the floor for a vote. He also worked on a law which would mandate that drivers pass bicyclists at a safe distance and not just swoop by them. He helped put camaras on the fronts of buses to speed up bus commutes by catching those blocking bus lanes. Most recently when sanitation wanted to cut down ghost bikes, he stepped in to help ensure that wont happen. (something I feel especially strongly about considering my friend Rasha who was killed on her bike and has a ghost bike on Delancey @ Bowery)

And that's just a brief list of my own favorite things Joe supports and works on for us. But he doesn't just work on local issues - he is actually very well known for his criminal justice legislation and has done a ton of stuff in that arena also.

He's hard working, obviously cares about the community and people he serves, and on top of that, he's a super nice guy to boot - he even took a few minutes to pose with me for a birthday photo last month in his office.

So that's our Assemblyman, Joe Lentol, in a nutshell. I firmly believe we need to keep this man in office. It would benefit our district to allow him to continue doing what he's doing. Let's make that happen - get out there and vote for Mr Lentol in the primary this Tuesday so we can give him another chance to keep up the great work he does for our community.

And thanks for everything you do, Mr Lentol! You're awesome!

Yet another blog devoted to my co-worker William

2010-06-09T22:25:00.007-04:00

This blog has been neglected far too long (due to beautiful weather, which leads to tons of biking) and as a result, my "William" notes are piling up. So here you go, quotes and stories from the best co-worker in the world, William (aka Sour Balls)

Conversations between me and William:

Me: "William, it's a beautiful day. Aren't you glad to be alive?"
Him: "It's a beautiful day to f*ck a big breasted bitch. Oh yeah!"

Me, reading aloud an email at work: "This Thursday is Stroke Awareness Day"
Him: "Oh yeah? Stroke this!" (giggle)

Me, hearing his phone ring and knowing this will irk him: "Is that your gay ring tone?"
Him: "I keep telling you, it's from Dexter. He's a serial killer. It's NOT GAY."

Him, talking about getting a blow job while driving a car: "Of course that was 7 years ago, back when I was young and single."
Me: "...and there was enough room because your belly didn't hit your steering wheel?"
Him: "You bitch! I hate you!"
Me: "Only because I'm right!"

Him, describing a recent sexual encounter with his girlfriend: "It was a pitiful performance on my part. I noticed she wasn't... fully satisfied."
Me: "But you just rolled over and went to bed anyway?"
Him: "Well yeah, what do you expect from me, woman?"

Me: "William, do you have a garbage disposal?"
Him: "Do I look white? Sheryl spics don't have garbage disposals. Or dishwashers. That's for white people!"
Me: "I live in an apartment in Brooklyn and I have a dishwasher!" (granted, I realize this is not the norm and am very thankful for this luxury)
Him: "Aaaaaaaaand you're WHITE!"
Me: "You live in a HOUSE in Westchester. How do you not have a dishwasher?!" Then jokingly, I added "But you have a washer and dryer, right?" (because seriously - who owns a house and doesn't have a washer & dryer?)
Him: "Do I look rich? Hello. I go to the laundromat."
I grilled him on that for five minutes because I didn't believe him. I really thought he was messing with me, but it turns out he *seriously* does not have a washer & dryer in the house he owns and lives in. That's just crazy.

Him: "I need a woman with big boobies a nice ass and a guy's personality."
I added: "and no cellulite" (He talks about cellulite all the time and how it's a deal breaker)
Him: "Right, no cellulite"
I thought about it a second and told him "So basically, you want a post op transexual."

Talking about how Verizon is closer to offering the iPhone, I stated "See, I was smart. I held out."
William: "Yeah that was the only time you held out!"

Me: "William, tomorrow is my friend Lainy's 30th birthday!"
Him: "Oh yeah? Ask her if she wants to blow out my candle"

William, the entrepreneur:
"Sheryl I decided. I'm going to move back to Ecuador and start my own porn company - EPP Ecuadorian Porn Productions - There's no Ecuadorian porn!" (he's serious, this is a dream of his)

William, the horticulturist:
I am not sure what prompted it, but William recently bought fig trees. Not only that, but he told me he's going to name them. He also said he talks to them and nurtures them... He said "I tell them how beautiful they are" Me: "Do you say that to your girlfriend too?" Him: "F%$# that, it's too much work".

William, the annoyance?
Him: "Sheryl, I can't believe it - this weekend, my girlfriend said I was annoying! No one ever said I was annoying!"
Me: "That's weird. I was just telling my blog readers that we get along so well because I don't find you annoying! You have never annoyed me! What were you doing at the time?"
Him: "Begging for sex."
Oh well, there you go...

Crazytown:
One day at work, I did or said something, and then said to William "Am I bordering on Crazytown?" He quickly shot back: "Bordering? You're in Crazytown. You're the MAYOR of Crazytown!" Since then he routinely upgrades or downgrades me, based on level of craziness, to President of Crazytown or Queen of Crazytown and when I do something as routine as, oh, I don't know, take photos of myself in the bathroom while wearing my plastic rain bonnet, I hear a quiet little "...crazytown..." escape his lips.

Sweet soundbites from Sour Balls:

"I am getting everyone to call me Papi now"
"Sheryl... I'm gonna miss you when I get fired."
"You don't understand - I'm manly. I'm like the Al Bundy type of manly."
"Sheryl I know you never listen to me and I know you think I'm an idiot, but listen to me..."
"When god created women why did he forget to include reason and rational?"
"I can't wait to see her golden ass"
"Oh my god it's so cold!... Hey, Sheryl (dramatic pause) are your nipples hard?"
"I wish I had a hot stripper model that would just hold it when I pee. mmmm"
"It's pretty much just dotting the Ts and crosssing the Is"

And finally, let me share an outing with William. Our workplace took us bowling last month. Here we are at the bowling alley, drunk out of our minds:

Here is a shot of William bowling:

a shot William took of me bowling:

a fun group shot where I look super tiny next to William (I used to have such a crush on that guy with the glasses. How cute is he? Turns out he has a girlfriend. Of course.):

And William even *won* this game!

Finally, here's a fun little video of William bowling:

See you tomorrow, little buddy! Love ya!

Laundry Line Art in Queens - Revisited

2010-05-19T15:28:00.003-04:00

You may recall a post from last month where I had heard about a laundry line art installment in Queens. Unfortunately, by the time I biked over there to see it for myself, it was gone.

Well something very surprising happened on Monday: I received a comment from an unfamiliar name on that blog post:

usemeee said...

Hello fellow cyclist BC, a new line is up this morning. I too love the basket, and the musings

I couldn't believe it! Could it be true?! And just who was this commenter? The artist themselves? Or a passer by who noticed it and remembered my blog post and took the time to look it up and leave me a comment? And were they telling the truth or just messing with me?

Call me cynical (I am) but I wondered if the comment was sincere or if someone was sending me on a wild goose chase. However, I was not taking any chances of missing this piece again, if it *was* there. But since the message arrived on a bike-friendly weather day and I had no plans after work, there was no harm in me biking over there as soon as I got home that night to check it out.

And that's precisely what I did!

As I approached, from a block away, I saw it - I saw the stark, clean white garments against the dirty gritty background of Queens. Holy crap! It really *was* there!!

I pulled the cruiser over and got a bunch of photos. Enjoy!

While I was there taking photos, a young man who was there with his girlfriend asked to photograph me for an "art project". I let him take my photo and asked him if he was the artist. He said no, but I wondered... A short while later, another man asked to photograph me with his cell phone, and I let him. I also asked him if he was the artist, but he, too, denied it. Since I rarely get photos of me with my bike, I asked him to take a photo of me with my own camera:

My shirt says it all: I <3 NY! And this is just one reason why - my bike, random art and adventures. Life is good and I'm so thankful to live in this great city!

To the artist - thank you so much for having the vision to take something so seemingly ordinary and turning it into art. And kudos to whatever you went through to execute the installment. I can't imagine how you got into that caged area.

To the commenter, (if you are not one in the same, but I have a feeling you might be) thank you for alerting me so quickly. Not only was the news completely unexpected, but being able to see and photograph this piece was truly the highlight of my day. And you have no idea how badly I needed something to look forward to and put a smile on my face that night. Your timing was perfect.

If you're in the area, check it out. It likely will not be up for long- it may even be gone already!

An Open Letter to the NYC Cabbie with medallion 9M31

2010-05-17T23:10:00.009-04:00

Hey douchebag! Yeah you, dickwad!

Remember me? Saturday afternoon, East 61st Street? Let me refresh your memory: I was the young woman on the pink bike riding west on the far left side of the left lane, close to the curb. The middle and right lane were completely clear but you choose to come speeding within inches of my handlebar in the left lane in an effort to get ahead of, and in front of, the guy approaching in the middle lane.

Well guess what, asshole? I'm an actual real live flesh and blood human being who could have been pretty horribly mangled or killed if you had actually come into contact with me or my bike.

But my life, my entire existence, just didn't mean that much to you - getting in front of that other car was all that mattered. So you put my life at risk, just so that you could arrive at the light first, in the lane of your choosing. Obviously, that's far more important than me keeping my limbs or continuing to live and breathe. Obviously.

It happened so fast and scared the hell out of me. I remember screaming out-loud "JESUS MOTHER *&^%$@!#$!(*&^!!!!" as you sped past me. I was totally shaken, literally trembling, but continued riding straight up to the light. There, the light was red, and your cab was waiting for the light. Now you were in the far right lane. You had achieved your goal of getting around the guy in the middle lane and getting into the first position in the far right lane. Bravo! And good thing you nearly killed me - so you could arrive at a red light 3 seconds sooner than you would have otherwise. Nice job!

I quickly photographed you (see above) and wanted to confront you on the driver side, but there was no room for me and bike to reach you (as you can see in the photo), so I approached your vehicle on the passenger side. The window was rolled up. I banged on it so furiously, I thought for sure the glass, or my hand, would break. Neither did.

I started off with a big fat middle finger for you. You rolled down the window and when I screamed at you (much to the horror of your passengers, who of course witnessed this event) "WHAT THE F&^% WAS THAT BACK THERE?!" You had the NERVE to yell back at ME - pointing to the right side of the street and scolding me that the bike lane was on the right side of the street.

Don't. Even.

First:
1- There is no designated or painted bike lane on that street. When there is a bike lane, I use it. Of course, many vehicles do not respect the lane, so I photograph them and often shout "BIKE LANE!" at them as I pass (yes, I've become one of those cyclists...)
2- I prefer riding on the left side of one way streets when there is no designated bike lane because there is less chance of getting doored by parked cars.
3- REGARDLESS of what side of the street I was riding on and whether or not there was a bike lane, YOU AND YOUR SEVERAL TON, SPEEDING METAL BOX ON WHEELS DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO COLLIDE INTO A FRAGILE HUMAN BEING ON A BICYCLE!

I tried to summarize that for you at the time but couldn't get all of those words out fast enough and knew I had seconds before the light changed. So I pretty much summed up my thoughts with several very loud, very angry "F^%$ YOU"s instead.

The light turned green and I gave you the finger one more time. Still trembling, I took off, continuing on 61st Street and turning south on 5th Ave when I hit Central Park. As I rode from 61st Street down to at least 50th Street, I was still shaking from the adrenaline of nearly getting hit, followed by the confrontation with you. It was not pleasant.

In summary, sir, in case you missed on Saturday, I'd like to remind you to go f&^% yourself. You clearly do not value human life and should not be operating a vehicle on the streets on Manhattan. Or anywhere, for that matter.

F&*^#@! you.
I mean that sincerely: f*&^$# you,
*Bitch Cakes*

Update: The Bagpiper of McCarren Park

2010-05-09T14:35:00.000-04:00

You may recall that not long ago, I blogged about a bag-piping gentleman in my neighborhood who I had been fortunate enough to catch a few times while biking around last summer.

Well, much to my surprise and delight, he's back!

Friday night was the last day of April, and it was a superb spring evening. The weather could not have been better and I wanted to get out for a little bike ride around the neighborhood. I did just that - a tiny bike ride around Williamsburg, headed straight for Brooklyn Brewery, where I made some new friends...

After hanging with my new peeps and enjoying a few beers, I left. On my way home, I rode up Berry St as I often do. And around North 12th what was that I heard? Did my ears deceive me?! Could they be playing tricks on me?! They were not. It was the unmistakable and sweet, sad, droning sound of bagpipes!!!

I pulled out my camera to get some video. It was dark, so you won't be able to see much of him, but you can hear him very well (in addition to me talking). Enjoy!

What a great end to a great night and a great *start* to many more trips to Brooklyn Brewery, nighttime bike rides and hopefully more encounters with the bagpiper of McCarren Park. I totes love my life.

An Open Letter to Banana Republic

2010-04-29T22:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Banana Republic-

WTF is the deal? Seriously - what happened to you this year? Have you lost your mind??

Prior to 2010, we had such a perfect agreement: You sell beautiful silk blouses in gorgeous colors or prints and sexy-secretaryesque body-hugging pencil skirts. In exchange, I, your willing slave, gladly hand you my hard earned money for your sumptuous retro-looking wares; and I parade them around proudly. "This? It's not vintage. It's Banana Republic. Seriously!"

This arrangement of ours has been working out beautifully for the three and a half years I've been shopping at your fine establishment. Being a Leo, I am fiercely loyal (at least when it comes to buying things that make me feel good), and in that time, I have been a devoted fan and consumer. You want proof? Let me just pull up Quicken and run a few reports for you...

In 2006, when I first discovered you, I spent a total of $465.33 in your stores.
In 2007, that amount nearly tripled. I spent $1364.11.
In 2008, I spent an obscene $1797.59.
And last year, 2009, I consumed $1082.45 worth of goods.

If you're keeping tabs, that would be a grand total of: $4709.48 I spent at your stores over the course of three and a half years. That's a pretty hefty sum of money. But I gave it to you more than willingly because that money didn't just buy me fabric to cover my body with - it bought me beauty, sex appeal, confidence... dare I say - power.

In my mind, it was a very fair exhange. One I entered more than willingly. And very often.

But here is the problem: With four months of 2010 complete, do you know how much I've spent at your stores? Do you? Let me tell you... I've spent a paltry $3.74. You are reading that correctly. Three dollars and seventy four cents. That's not even enough money for coffee and a muffin at Starbucks!!!

Here's the thing: It's not for lack of trying. I enter one of your stores almost weekly - looking at the new arrivals and checking out the sale rack. I even check the website to see if there's anything I'm *not* seeing at my local stores. There is not. Everything sucks. Did you hear me? EVERYTHING SUCKS!

Banana Republic, this must change! I desperately yearn for a new sumptuous silk blouse, a new tight skirt that clings to my curves. I arrive at your store ready to hand over my plastic Luxe card to you for fulfilling those needs. But you are not following through with your end of the bargain! You are not providing me with the fix I itch for in the form of beautifully tailored and sexy garments. Instead you display boring, cotton shapeless shirts in ugly colors, khaki pants and skirts, and short A-line dresses that would do nothing for my amazing feminine figure. What am I supposed to do with that crap? I'll tell you what: nothing. I'm far too good for those clothes and refuse to stoop the level of even considering bringing them into the fitting room for a chuckle. Who dresses like that? Seriously? I'll tell you who: boring people who don't know any better and don't embrace their bodies. Certainly not this woman.

You're lucky I lasted this long - I think the only reason I haven't given up on you completely yet is because my friend Sherry generously gave me a gift certificate to your store... for CHRISTMAS. I've been sitting on 50 pre-paid dollars just *waiting* to be spent. I never thought I'd have trouble spending money in your store. But here I am, 4 months later, carrying that gift card with me every day just waiting for a garment worthy of it, and of me. I was there today in fact. Nothing even garnered a second glance from me.

Please Banana, I implore you, think about your buying choices as of late and return to your previous aesthetic, the one I fell in love with. The one I miss and crave the way other people might yearn for an previous lover - the only one that ever knew how to kiss you or touch you right.

I want you. I need you. I have to have you. Please come back to me. My money is waiting...

Sincerely,
*Bitch Cakes*

Good Ol' Sour Balls

2010-04-25T10:41:00.154-04:00

I haven't blogged over here in a while, and I do apologize for that. But you'll be thrilled to know that I've been keeping tabs on William, of course. Here are some gems from Sour Balls:

Random Quotes/Conversation with William @ work:

1- Because I'm so full of myself-
Me: "I'm FAR too good looking to be working here"
Him: "You're too sexy for this job?" And he proceeded to break out into song - "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred.

2- At least he's honest-
Me: "William, when you look at a hot chick, what's the first thing that runs through your mind?"
Him: "That I'd show her a new level of ecstasy... For 1.2 seconds."

3- Out of nowhere-
Him: "Sheryl, today is the WORST day."
Me: "Why, what day is it?" (thinking he must have a ton of meetings or some other dreaded work related event)
Him: "It's National Womens' Day. Like you bitches NEED a day? Every day is women's day! Like you guys don't have enough - Valentine's Day... I thought that was for women. Sheesh. Stupid bitches gone wild."

4- On a very rainy and fairly chilly day at work-
Him: "After this I'm going to a barbeque."
Me: "Have you looked outside? It's pouring!"
Him: "Sheryl. I'm a man. Don't you know men BBQ even if it snows out?"

5- Again, out of nowhere-
Him: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle."
Me: "Isn't that from GI Joe?"
Him: "Hell yeah, dog!"

6- On "boobies"-
Him: "I've come to a conclusion. I think I'm a breast man because I wasn't breast fed as a child."
Me: "Neither was I - and I don't really care about breasts."
Him: "Yeah, but you're a woman. It's different."

7- More sexist banter-
Him: "Personally I think the world would be a lot better if they took away every bitch's driver's license. 16 and up." He went on to say "You know, it's a proven fact that most traffic accidents are caused by women."
Me, ever the analytical person: "I'd like to see some data to back that up..."

8- Still insisting I have no shot of finding a man who will put up with me and that I should pursue a relationship with a woman-
Him: "Think about it .. because I am"

9- On lesbians in general-
Me: "William, why are you so interested in lesbians? Don't you realize those are women that do NOT want to have sex with you?"
Him: "Lesbians are women that THINK they don't want to have sex with me. They're still unsure, a little confused."
Me: "(speechless)"

10- At least he has a plan!
"So tonight it's wings, beer and Mexican porn. That's just tonight's agenda."

11- He has told me this on numerous occasions-
"You white women are so easy."
(I hate to admit it, but he might be right...)

========================================================================

Amazing Race:
He was telling his cousin how he wants to try out for the Amazing Race with me. But in the course of telling him, he referred to me as his 'girlfriend' by accident. This wouldn't be such a big deal except his *actual* girlfriend was within earshot and was NOT happy about this. That could be one reason why, when he told his girlfriend last week that he wanted some 'cabesita' (um... that's oral sex), she not only refused, but she shot back "Ask your co-worker." Woah! That's not going to happen...

But speaking of the Amazing Race, I decided that the next time they begin the registrations for the next season, I *will* apply with William. Why? Why not? The odds of them selecting us are slim to none and the application asks some hilarious questions. We've been reviewing last year's application and coming up with our answers. There will be tons of blog material just from our responses, so I will go ahead with the submission when it's time.

========================================================================

Speaking of his girlfriend...
One day at work he was complaining about how horny he was and that he expected some sex from his girlfriend that night and he was going to text her. I told him to romance her - tell her something that will make her feel desired and beautiful and make her long to be with him. So he texted her: "Bitch, we're having sex tonight or else don't bother coming home." Seriously. That is what he texted her. After my stellar advice.

Guess what? He didn't get laid that night. Shocking, right?

========================================================================

During my sex-fast, William was sure to show me every banana he bought before he consumed it. He also made sure to point out if they were big or long or fat as well as pointing out that the curve of them would 'reach my spot' - I told him he should never, ever speak of my 'spot'. anyway, just for fun, one night after he left, I put this on his desk for the following morning:

Ha-ha. I love that!

===========================================================+============

Gross:
William suffers from allergies and sinus infections and because of that, he blows his nose a lot. I wouldn't even notice this, except that upon examining the contents, he often announces what he sees. What do I hear more often than anything (I hope you're not eating): "It's red and green - like Christmas!" OMG that's so disgusting.

============================================+===========================

NO KNOWLEDGE, NO CUDDLEDGE
William and I learn a great deal from the younger Puerto Rican guy in our department. For one thing, we learned "knowledge" is a slang term for "oral sex". Go figure. Upon learning that, William came up with a term: "No knowledge, no cuddledge." That's right. If he doesn't get oral sex, he refuses to cuddle...

He told me that if his girlfriend gets cold and tries to cuddle with him in bed, he tries to use that to his advantage. He told me he tries to guide her head down "to paradise" (yes, that would be his... naughty zone) but sometimes she doesn't get the hint. When I pointed out that his approach was all wrong, he said to me "Other than smacking her in the face with it, what am I supposed to do?"

Um, yeah, that's going to get her in the mood! Go ahead. Smack her in the face with your cock. Chicks love that!

========================================================================

Speaking of cuddling...

William: "Cuddling is the male version of rape. You know we don't like it. You know we don't want it..."
Me: "Some men like to cuddle!"
Him: "Real men don't cuddle. Hence (seriously, he said "hence"), I was violated last night. I was raped last night. I was forced to do something I didn't want to do."
Wow...

========================================================================

Facebook:

William has been telling me lately of some facebook status messages he has been posting when he drank too much. So I took the time to screencapture them for you. Enjoy the brilliance of Sour Balls on a dozen beers-

and of course there is his photo album devoted to his true love, Bruce, his dog:

Speaking of Bruce, I have asked him: "William if something disastrous happened and you could only save your girlfriend or your dog, what would you do?" Response: "Sheryl, do you even have to ask?" Obviously, he'd choose the dog...or so he says. Actually, I do believe that.

========================================================================

Finally, you likely all know about William's bizarre fetish for Miss Piggy. Suzi, one of my blog readers sent me a hilarious/disturbing photo of Miss Piggy. Naturally, I sent it to the technical IT guy and asked him to make it William's desktop without William's knowledge or consent. And he did-

William loves this photo so much, he has not only left it there (it's been about a month now) but when he closes his apps and sees it, he sings "Oh Miss Piggy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Miss Piggy!" (that's right, to the theme of the Tony Basil song "Oh Mickey").

I warned you it was disturbing!

========================================================================

But before I go, I have to share these photos with you. This is on St. Patrick's Day. William was off that week and was drinking in midtown that afternoon, so I met up with him after work. Look how drunk he is!!!!

and here he is, pretending to touch my boobs (which we all know aren't nearly big enough for him):

Oh Sour Balls, I seriously don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for being the best co-worker ever. I see you more than anyone else in my life yet you never annoy me. You're the closest thing I have to a best friend and I love the hell out of you. xo

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 18: WORD Bookstore

2010-03-28T20:50:00.007-04:00

Although I write three blogs, I don't like to read. People are usually surprised when they learn that about me. The truth is, despite the fact that I learned how to read, I never cared for actually putting that skill to use.

I'm not sure why I always hated it so much. But I do know that unless I have some personal connection to the subject matter, I have trouble picturing what I read. As a result, my mind wanders and I don't retain anything. Needless to say, I especially dreaded (and avoided) fiction. I always tell people that I just don't possess the gene for imagination, and I think that's a significant reason why I never enjoyed reading (and most movies, for that matter).

But then, last year, I actually wanted to buy a few books for one of my other blogs - books on food, the food industry, and the psychology of eating. Real stuff. Stuff I'm actually interested in and wanted to learn about.

Living in Greenpoint, I was well aware of the existence of WORD Bookstore, but never had reason to go. Until then...

WORD is a beautiful independent bookstore on the corner of Franklin & Milton in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. It's been part of the neighborhood for about three years now - run by Christine and her husband. They used to have a bookstore on Long Island, but then they moved here, and opened up the bookstore in this new location -

The store is clean and well organized (two things you should not be surprised to hear are extremely important to me) and in addition, the staff is super helpful, friendly and nice! Meet Stephanie, Store Manager Extraordinaire. Here she is behind the register, deeply immersed in some reading:

She (along with any of the other staff) will be happy to help you find what you are looking for, recommend something, or order something specific for you if they don't have it in stock. (I often have them special order things for me and they come in super fast!)

But WORD is so much more than just a bookstore - In addition to books, they have a terrific selection of Moleskine products, beautiful greeting cards, stationary, a large kids section, and they even host tons of events and readings in their space downstairs. They also sell canvas tote bags (shown above Stephanie, on her right) and these new Jute bags (extra large and great for the farmer's market!):

They also have a free book table that appears outside every so often:

And if all of that isn't exciting enough, they're even match-makers! They have a discrete bulletin board where you can fill out a slip of paper, answering a few questions about yourself and your literary preferences and post it. Other customers can check out the postings on the board and/or fill out their own. The dating board is smartly called "Between the Covers" and has actually resulted in dates!

But wait, that's not all - You can also:

But of course, if you're in the area, you should visit WORD in person. They're sure to become and your new favorite bookstore! (Oh, and if you are lucky enough to be there when the tall beautiful redhead pictured above is working, be sure to say hello!)

WORD
Books * Stationary * Gifts * Kids' Stuff
126 Franklin St
Brooklyn, NY 11222
718-383-0096
Store Hours: MON-THU 11-8pm, FRI-SAT 11-9pm, SUN 12-8pm

Thank you, WORD, for being part of Greenpoint. You're just one more reason this neighborhood is so great!

An Open Letter to the Bagpiper of McCarren Park

2010-03-19T20:33:00.006-04:00

Dear Bagpiping Man of McCarren Park,

Last July 30th is a night I will never forget-

It was a beautiful summer night and I rode my bike into Manhattan earlier in the evening. On my way back home, after crossing the Williamsburg Bridge and biking east on Bedford Ave to get back to my apartment, I heard the unmistakable sound of bagpipes, so I made a detour.

It was in the concrete softball park section of McCarren Park that I first encountered you -

As luck would have it, you were wandering around the park that night, playing your bagpipes. I have to admit, this caught me by surprise - and as a NYer very few things surprise me. But it filled me with happiness. For as long ago as I can remember, I always loved the sound of bagpipes, so I was thrilled to have caught this free performance. I biked into and around the park just to listen to you -

As I enjoyed that unexpected treat, I wondered what brought you here - I was guessing you live in the area, but came outside to play. I am guessing that practicing in your small apartment is not appreciated due to the intensity and volume of your instrument. Whatever it was that forced you into the night and the great outdoors, I was thankful for it.

I just rode home after that, knowing I would never forget that particular ride. But never expecting to see you again.

Cut to August 15th - another beautiful summer night and I was just doing some local riding around. Sure enough, I heard bagpipes again and I knew it had to be you. I biked towards the park again, expecting to find you there, but this time you were playing behind the Brooklyn Automotive High School.

This is the best, longest and most uninterrupted video footage I have of you:

But that was the last time I saw you.

What happened? Did you give up bagpiping? Were your lessons just a summer fling? Did you find someplace else to play? Or did you *sniff* move away?

I am hoping none of those are the case because I miss you and the droning, beautiful sound of that bagpipe of yours. Now that the weather is starting to get nicer I will be listening for you carefully as I bike through Greenpoint and Williamsburg. I sure do hope to run into you again.

Sincerely,
Your fan,
*Bitch Cakes*

Back at me

2010-03-13T19:41:00.006-05:00

If you read my William blogs, you know he recently suggested I "go lesbian". He said to me:

"Sheryl, maybe you should think about going lesbian. Think about it. You effed up for 38 years with guys. I'm just saying - maybe you should switch it up a little. I'm just saying, homie."

But then earlier this week, out of the blue, he reconsidered my situation and gave me another option - he told me "Sheryl, you either need to go lesbian or get with a black guy - because no other man can handle you." (he also told me that I'm "definitely half black" after seeing my ass in a tight skirt. How he *just* noticed I have a huge ass is beyond me...)

Quite honestly, I'm not sure any man can 'handle' me ('put up with me' is more like it), but if William's suggestion is right, I know who my first choice is: This guy.

For the record, I am a *huge* fan of Old Spice. I've always loved it. And these new commercials are awesome. (Here's another short commercial)

I can't wait for the next installment to see how else my new boyfriend intends to romance me!

Voicemail From Dad, Part 6: "Causing undo stress"

2010-03-10T22:47:00.008-05:00

Wow. It's as if my Dad sensed my last blog because just yesterday, he left me a pretty awesome voice mail:

"Hi Sheryl, how are you? I just had an interesting conversation with your brother. He told me that he's losing his hair, whatever he's got left, and he attributes it to YOU, causing him a lot of stress when yous were growing up. And I said to him, I agreed with me losing my hair cause if it skips every generation that he would have a full head of hair. So I accepted that. But then he reminded me that possibly I lost my hair because of you, because you were here first - causing undo stress on both of us. So that is a possibility. I want you to think about that and see if you feel guilty about that. So you enjoy your day and I'll talk to you later. Bye."

Wow. Just wow... I am totally not taking the blame for that one.

An Open Letter to my Father

2010-03-07T12:00:00.004-05:00

Dad-
Whats up? Seriously. Ever since you got married, your phone call frequency has not only decreased in quantity (something I never thought would happen, and am actually grateful for, so please thank your new wife for me!) but sadly they have also decreased in quality.

Don't you know I blog about you? You and William are my bread and butter. No one cares about me. They want to read about the ridiculous shit the two of you put me through - how the two of you entertain me! If you are no longer able to fulfill this duty, I am going to have to ask William to become a lot funnier. Quite frankly, he's stretched pretty thin as it is. And I'm not sure he's up to the job.

In addition to the lack of conversations/voice mail fodder that I can blog about, you've been threatening me. Threatening me! Threatening to get online and 'find me'. I learned that your new bride is not only out buying a new computer that she intends to show you how to use (good luck, Maria), but you are also already signed up for, and are already paying for, internet service in your new apartment! And I believe you said that once this new computer was set up that you were going to "yahoo, google and even twizzle"! (by the way, that's "tweet", not "twizzle". You'll learn...)

And sure I've teased you about your gigantic sausage fingers for years - how they wouldn't fit on a keyboard, how I couldn't even figure out how you could dial a cell phone, and how you would never figure out how to get online - but now that you're married to someone who has actually been on the 'world wide web' I have reason to fear that you *will* find me. That you *will* read about me. That you *will* learn and see things you wish you hadn't.

For this brief time being, I know I am safe. Because despite the fact that two of your sisters (my aunts) read my blogs, they understand that there are certain things they've learned about me as a result of my blogs that they should not share with you. And I applaud their silence, thank you Aunt Diane and Aunt Dovey (who I believe told you the things I write about would "make your hair curl"). But they are women. And they understand that I, myself, am a grown woman. I think - no, I know - that you still perceive me as the little girl you once knew. And if you want to hold onto that image of me, you should not go online. You should not "google, yahoo or twizzle" me. You'll find out and see things you wish you hadn't.

So let's turn back time, shall we? Stay off line. Go back to the annoying phone calls. The three voice mails a day, even. All of which make me roll my eyes and some that are entertaining enough for me to record and blog.

Sincerely,
Your little girl,
Sheryl (aka "Chicky" or "P.G." - Pretty Girl)

A little more William for you... and an update on The Contest

2010-03-06T10:01:00.011-05:00

Since William came back from his knee surgery (in case you don't remember, or don't know: a result of playing basketball with 15 year olds who are in way better shape than him), I asked "Do those kids know they put you in the hospital?" This is his response, a direct quote:

"Sheryl, a man never sees another man cry. I played till the end of the game even though they beat me, then I just limped off the court..."

Aw, that's such a sad image, but funny. Is that true? Are guys really that worried about their manly images? I guess some of them are...

=================================================================

While he was out for his surgery, one of the software applications he supports went down. Since he wasn't there, that meant I had to deal with the issue. I spent half a day working with the vendor, making calls - even after work hours - emailing the status; basically making sure the application came up and making sure everyone was informed along the way.

When he returned, I told him of the incident and said that if he had been here, that system would *still* be down (he doesn't follow up on things as thoroughly as I do). He responded with: "Sheryl, my penis is the only thing that stays down. everything else I manage to get up very quickly." LMAO. Nice!

=================================================================

I mentioned in an old blog that William wants to sign up for that show, "The Amazing Race" - and he wants me to be his partner. He's been talking about it a lot again lately, using tactics like "Come on, we'll get out of work for a while" or "It will be good publicity for the company" (huh?) and since those strategies aren't working, he has moved on to "People will love us! It will be the launching pad to our reality show!".

But I keep saying no. No way. I hate traveling. And the thought of being on video terrifies me. I'm like "William, I watched that show. Those women get wet. They can't wear make up or do their hair. How am I going to run around the globe in heels and tight skirt?! I'm far too high maintenance for that." But he insisted that's why they're sure to pick us - so everyone can laugh at how ridiculous I am.

He has a point there, but I still don't think it's a good idea.

=================================================================

Random Quotes:

"I can't wait till next week - daylight savings time - the clock in my car will finally be right again!" (he never sets it when we are supposed to 'fall back')
"I had to shake and bake his ass." (I have no idea...)
In response to my never ending string of failed relationships: "Sheryl, maybe you should think about going Lesbian." Me: "Uhhhhh?" Him: "Think about it. You fucked up for 38 years with guys. I'm just saying - maybe you should switch it up a little. I'm just saying, homie." Thanks, buddy. Great idea. Why didn't I think of that? It sounds like the answer to all my problems!
On watching a recent snowfall with big, giant flakes: "It's so nice and fluffy. If you put all the flakes together it becomes a big boobie." (what?!)
Overheard on the phone: "...the strippers came with protection - a big black guy, 6'4, 300 pounds. Anyway his name was 'sexual chocolate'..."

=================================================================

Lately, out of nowhere, he will tell me "Sheryl, You're so lucky. You live such a simple life - No worries. No complications." When I ask him to elaborate, he responds: "No mortgage, no tenants, no girlfriend who won't put out. *sigh* It must be nice."

I thought about it and said, "I have worries, but they mostly involve the MTA. I guess you're right. I have a pretty awesome life, I'm lucky. You WISH you were me!"

Despite all his troubles, he replied "I am so glad I'm NOT you but that's besides the point."

=================================================================

If you know me well, you know two things: 1) I am a total narcissist. 2) I hate the Muppets.

Not only does William inexplicably not find me attractive (probably because he knows way too much about me - he might know me better than anyone else in my life and he definitely knows more of my secrets than anyone on earth), but he thinks Miss Piggy is "hot". I find this highly offensive, disgusting and just plain weird. I mean she's ugly, obnoxious and oh yeah - she's a puppet!

When I told him that Miss Piggy sucks and I'm infinitely hotter than her he said, "Oh please, Miss Piggy is a hundred times hotter than you. No one can compare to your first love and Miss Piggy was my first love." What-the-fuck-ever, dude!

=================================================================

Update on The Contest:

I recently mentioned "The Contest" where one of the other guys and I entered a pact to not have sex for Lent - no sexual gratification - of any kind. Those were the rules. On Monday when I got to work I was greeted with the question: "Does penetration count?"

YES! PENETRATION COUNTS!

I don't care if you didn't finish the job. We went over this VERY clearly when we entered into the pact and I specifically mentioned that scenario! So yes, it counts, and yes, you lose.

This delighted me to no end - not only did it mean I had already won, but I thought it meant the bet was over and I could... celebrate later that night.

But William told me that no, I still had to hold out until Easter. One reason was because while I gave up sex, he gave up bacon (which he loves probably more than I love sex). So now it's a contest between me and him. Great.

William originally told me "I give you two weeks. There's NO WAY you can go that long without sex." It's day 20. I have 29 days to go. But who's counting?

Every morning, William asks me if I gave in. I reply as Elaine did in the Contest episode of Seinfeld: "I'm Queen of the castle". He can't believe I haven't yet (neither can I, quite frankly. Some people - you know who you are - have been tempting me. Repeatedly.) Anyway, William has now started asking me who I am going to celebrate the end of my bet with.

That's a good question. I thought I knew who I would break my sex fast with - someone from my past - but now I'm reconsidering. I think I want someone new.

I told William I should hold a contest - an essay contest (with photos of course) from gentlemen (eligible bachelors - NO ONE WITH A GIRLFRIEND) who want to be the one, telling me why I should break my fast with him - along with a $100 submission fee. I'll choose the lucky winner based upon their photo & written entry.

He told me that was prostitution.

Is it? I still think it's a good idea.

We'll see...

The Jar of Vodka Sauce

2010-03-02T22:07:00.005-05:00

Back when I was married, I did the grocery shopping (all household errands, really) by myself. For one thing - my husband didn't enjoy doing them and for another, I am more efficient when I do things alone, so that's often my preference.

But one night, for reasons I do not recall, he happened to come food shopping with me.

On that trip, while in the macaroni aisle, as we passed the sauces, the vodka sauce caught my eye. He enjoyed penne with vodka sauce, and it was one of the dinners I'd make for him when I cooked. Noticing it was on sale, I mentioned I'd buy him a jar. He told me we already had an open jar in the fridge - which was true, we did. But I always liked to keep stuff 'in stock', so I responded along the lines of "That jar won't last forever. I'll get another one. Besides, it's not like I'll never cook penne with vodka sauce for you again."

And I put the jar in the cart.

I can't tell you when that trip occurred. I can only tell you that we were still married, so it couldn't have been any more recently than 2003.

In August 2004, my husband moved out of our house when we officially separated. He didn't take the vodka sauce with him.

On December 28, 2005, I moved to Brooklyn. Alone. Among my packed pantry items was that jar of vodka sauce.

I am not sure why I brought it to Brooklyn with me. I never cared much for vodka sauce and had no intention of actually consuming it myself. But I couldn't bring myself to just throw away 'perfectly good food', and it also felt wrong to throw it away because it was his.

It's been over 4 years since I moved into my apartment in Brooklyn. I've been divorced for 5 years, separated for 6 years, and bought that jar of sauce at least 7 years ago.

Yet that jar of vodka sauce still sits in my pantry-

It doesn't take up much space, and it's out of the way - not prominently displayed. However, it's there. I know it's there. And I occasionally see it if I have to move stuff around. Whenever I get a glimpse of it, I think of him and remember that shopping trip when I insisted we should buy it. I was sure he would use it. What could possibly prevent him from using that jar of sauce?

But at the time, on that shopping trip, I couldn't possibly have known what the future had in store for us. Or that I'd never make him penne with vodka sauce again...

He lives on the west coast now and I haven't seen him in a year. I haven't spoken to him in even longer. And from what I heard, he's getting remarried later this month.

I realize it's long overdue, but I know it's time. Time to remove that jar of sauce from my pantry and my life.