The World According to Sharp

Top 10 - Worst FIFA Loss Excuses

2012-10-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Hailed as one of the most popular gaming franchises of all time, FIFA is not only a game - but, to some, a religion. This instalment of the Top 10 brings to light the some of the most pathetic FIFA loss excuses; those which should be consigned to players in need of a reality check. All are genuine, most of which you've probably heard before, and none of which you'll want to hear again. Just one rule: there are no excuses not to read on.

10. "You had a better team than me"

It's always good, whilst choosing your teams at the start of a FIFA match against an opponent, that you come to some sort of agreement over the similarity of 'star level' associated with the clubs participating. If you allow another player to choose a better team than you, thinking that you'll beat them anyway, and lose - then you've only got yourself to blame. Never give yourself an excuse to lose a match - always go for the win. Complaining that an opponent had a better team than you will never cut it.

9. "I haven't played FIFA in ages"

Firstly, where have you been? And secondly, don't let rustiness get the better of you. To 'not play FIFA' for a period of time means to deprive yourself of a heavily abundant and nutritional life source. So, with that in mind, you should be coming back two times stronger! Never make excuses over recent experience, play the game using your experience as a whole.

8. "But I don't know those fancy skill moves"

To learn these 'skill moves', you must partake in research. To display lack of research, displays lack of determination to succeed. To display lack of determination to succeed... pretty much means you're going to lose. There is no reason why one shouldn't learn skill moves, therefore laziness shall not be tolerated as an excuse for loss on FIFA.

7. "Your voice kept putting me off"

In FIFA, a player must have 100% of their concentration on the task in hand. Nothing should put a player off this task - that being to win the game. If you can't handle a bit of verbal abuse, a couple of jokes or a very talkative opponent, you are not a true player - and therefore deserve to lose.

6. "The referee was on your side"

Although some would wish for this to be unspoken, FIFA is just a game. The referee has no emotional affiliation with you as a player, and the game engine decides whether or not you are adjudged to have broken the rules. By blaming the referee, players are simply clutching at straws for an explanation to (usually) a poor performance. Maybe these players need to sit down and assess themselves before pointing the finger at the officials. Excuse invalid.

5. "This controller is dodgy"

This, it has to be said, is my personal favourite 'crap FIFA loss excuse'. By complaining that the controller is 'dodgy' even before a game has started, sets a player's mentality up for an immediate fall. Unless buttons are missing, never blame the resources that you are given. If someone else can effectively play the game using that controller, then so can you. If you consign to swapping controllers, then subsequently go on to lose, it makes you look like even more of an idiot - so get on with it!

4. "I usually play better than that"

Playing FIFA is a little like partaking in the Olympics; it's a sporting competition. Sir Steve Redgrave never got back in his boat in Sydney 2000 and claimed that, because he'd won Gold in every single games since Los Angeles 1984, it'd be okay if he didn't do as well this time. He went on for the final Gold medal and got it! Be like Steve Redgrave, don't bring yourself to the level of having to make excuses for a 'one off' poor performance. Always be the best.

3. "Your keeper won it for you"

Maybe it wasn't my keeper that won it for me, but your shit attacking ability that lost it for you. The aim of the game is to score more goals than your opponent, and if you can do that, there shall be no excuses of the sort. Similar to the desperate refereeing excuse described earlier, opposing keepers should not be blamed for your own incompetence.

2. "I must have tried too hard"

In FIFA, it is impossible to try too hard. Case closed.

1. "You got lucky"

Luck is a factor of all life's scenarios and should be looked on merely as a coincidence, as opposed to an advantage. By making the excuse that a player had a 'lucky' win means to say that the accusing opponent could not overcome 'luck' with skill. If you are unable to use playing ability to override something that is made up, then your days playing FIFA should be over. If you lose, take the hit. Never descend to the level of saying "you got lucky"... punk.

Heskey doesn't make excuses - so neither shall you.

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The Dark Knight Rises - Film Review

2012-07-20T10:26:00.002-07:00

THE LEGEND ENDS. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

In this instalment Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy comes to an end, leaving behind a legacy near impossible to be so masterfully re-told. Batman's final outing in Gotham brings to light the complexity of Bruce Wayne's (Christian Bale) character; forever riddled with the murder of his parents and entangled with memories of witnessing his loved ones die before his eyes. 8 years following the end of The Dark Knight, Bruce finds himself hidden away in a re-built Wayne Manor, the cape and mask un-used since the demise of Harvey Dent almost a decade previous. Blamed for Dent's death, Batman has no place in Gotham any more.

Following suit from Heath Ledger's Joker, Bane, Rises' main antagonist (played by Tom Hardy) provides the villainous muscle that so many hoped would wipe the floor with Batman's seemingly invincible strengths set. Hardy gives Bane the exterior to match such an insanely power driven character, a steely face grill branding the villain devoid of empathy or indeed emotion. Further additions to the character roster include Selina Kyle, played by Anne Hathaway (but not once referred to as 'Catwoman'). Hathaway's mystique gives Batman's newest ally more reason for male movie-goers to attend, even without the explosions! Gary Oldman masterfully returns as Police Commissioner Jim Gordon, with fellow returners Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman brilliantly reprising their roles as Alfred Pennyworth and Lucius Fox respectively. Rookie cop John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is also another character to look out for; one which provides an intriguing and engaging narrative strand to the film.

Only major stirrings in Gotham can truly bring Wayne back as Batman, and a villain such as Bane matches that criteria. Be ready for 'shit's going down now, son' moments, as Bale once again dons the cape to become the Dark Knight. Many have questioned the script that would be needed in order for Rises to match that of its immediate predecessor, and Nolan's ultimatum as whole film delivers on every level. Twists and turns continue to surprise the audience, and even the most certain of facts addressed in the movie can be looked upon as sceptical - due to such unpredictable story telling. The road is hard for Wayne's Batman, as nothing is easy in the Gotham run by Bane and his militant army. Bale's character however continues to bounce back in what proves to be the Dark Knight's most challenging test so far.

The soundtrack in Rises is rich and memorable, encapsulating the identity of Gotham's caped crusader and adding to the intensity of copious action-packed set-pieces. The visuals go hand in hand with that of the audio, where by the use of CGI is masterful - while not feeling too overdone. Also be ready for gadgets galore, as Freeman's Lucius Fox provides Wayne with more of what was delivered in Rises' predecessors.

Although not as gruesome in terms of violence as the previous instalment, Rises is undoubtedly the darkest the series has to offer. A real urgency for Batman to return is present in this one, and the implications of him being able to do so or not justify the film's shadowy outlook. The audience know that the legend has to end somewhere, which makes it all the more fitting that Bruce Wayne should end the trilogy with the greatest of adversaries to match.

The film's opening sequence, which involves flying at altitude, may require viewers to gawp in amazement. Be advised however to quickly transform that gawp into a grin, as the rest will be yet to follow!

So, how will the story end for Bruce Wayne? It's time to find out for yourself...

Bane - not satisfied even with five stars.

Rating: «««««

Top 10 - Other ways people annoy me on Facebook

2012-01-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

You agreed, and I sat feeling justified. A good day's work? Yes. Enough work? No. Consequently I decided, after over 10 months, ten points just aren't enough to contain all of the annoyances displayed in the social networking capital of the world. So, without further ado, here it is... ten more ways that people annoy me on Facebook.

NOTE: If you haven't already, check out the original list HERE.

10. People who try and make you join their group to see hidden elements

It reminds me of how Youtube users try to force 'subscribe' messages down viewers' throats. If we like the video, or your channel, we'll subscribe. It's the same with Facebook. If I find your group or page funny, then yes, I will join/like it... now go play Minecraft.

9. People who upload, practically, the same photo 1,789,342 times

Ooh, that version's in black and white. Ah, and that's the same photo again... in negative. Hang on, that's exactly the same photo! Yeah, I understand you're having a fun time with your friends, but isn't one picture sufficient enough to express the occasion? Apparently not.

8. People who 'check in' at their home address

Okay, that's your home address covered. If you'd now like to tell me your alarm code number, what you got for Christmas last year and any PIN numbers for credit cards laying around the house. It's not a good idea to give over such information, because on Facebook, you can never be too sure who your real 'friends' are.

7. People who don't use 'inboxing' accordingly

This involves any sort of wall (or now more recently, 'timeline') post that everyone outside that particular two way conversation just don't want or need to see. Soppy 'love you' messages are the main culprit here, but any sort of message could generally apply. Just inbox please, and keep it personal.

6. People who accept random strangers as their friends

If they're not your friend, then why accept them as your 'friend'? I'm just putting out there, and if anyone has an answer to that particular question, I'd like to hear it. "Because... your Mum" doesn't count. Studies have shown that a lot of young people do accept random friend requests. People need to wise up, because it's the stupidity here that annoys me. Can you be entirely sure the person you're adding is who they say they are?

5. People who comment on posts to make subtle digs

It's happened to me before, and it's probably happened to every one of you reading this as well. The moral here is: if you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all.

4. Mums who make annoying comments

It's a Facebook law that if you concede to adding your mother as a friend online, the condition is binding for life. I wouldn't want to think what the consequences of permanently removing my Mother off Facebook be. I tried it once before... never again. The downside to this 'law' however, is that you're burdened with Mum (as I'll now call her - we're all friends here) following your every virtual move. As I'm sure you'll all agree, it's excruciatingly annoying at times.

3. People who say "like for lpc" or "like for paragraph"

Yeah, I've put it out there. And what are you going to do about it? Give me a '2' for looks? There's no real need to elaborate on this point any further. I think you all have your own reasons for finding this shout for attention as annoying as I do.

2. People who 'frape' others with idiotic comments

Fucking grow up!

P.S. 'Frape' is a word blend of 'Facebook' and 'rape', if you were wondering.

1. People who break every single one of the points that annoy me in both lists

I know you're out there somewhere and when I find you... I'll give you a pat on the back for keeping on top of being such a trooper. It's a life time career in itself, that feat.

Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Top 10 - Ways of procrastinating in Grand Theft Auto IV

2011-09-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Grand Theft Auto - a franchise more recognised and established than Justin Bieber's hate mail collection. But, if you think about it, it hasn't really become so well-known through its gripping narrative or deep character development (although that has helped). It's through the ability gifted to the gamer to f**k around endlessly that has got people coming back for more, time and time again. When the original title came along in 1997 for the Playstation, the free roaming aspect of gaming was largely uncharted territory. Now, with huge advances in technology and a spectrum of titles to its name, the initialism GTA has become a household name in regard to having fun in a no limits environment - coined as a 'Sandbox Game'. The latest title (Grand Theft Auto IV) - which follows the story of Polish immigrant Niko Bellic - isn't universally accepted as the epitome of the franchise, but the focus will solely be on this particular instalment due to its enhanced accessibility on consoles in the present day. So without further ado, let's forget the missions, and delve into some procrastination...

NOTE: Grand Theft Auto IV is made for adult gamers and is rated as such. Therefore it isn't intended to (and I most certainly don't) condone actions played out in the game, due to mature individuals being aware of its virtual denotation.

10. Hand-braking around corners

In the real world, I wouldn't endorse this sort of behaviour. But, as you'll find out, not many of the inserts on this list would be met with open arms by the government. There's no doubt that you'll most likely find yourself speeding whilst operating a vehicle during large parts of the game. If not, Grand Theft Sunday Driver might be the sort of title that missed your eye while you were searching for 'fun' games to play during your days off. Liberty City (the game's environment) amazingly does feature corners in its road network. However, speeding and cornering isn't the perfect marriage - but speeding and hand-braking sure is! Brilliant fun... Especially when the tail of your car kicks out and sends a fire hydrant tumbling down the street.

9. Breaking into car show rooms

It's always nice to acquire a free set of wheels, especially if they can go from zero to sixty in less than five seconds! There's also something about the satisfaction of driving an expensive car through a massive glass pane that more than makes up for you feeling guilty about stealing. After all, you wouldn't get that sort of chance in the real world... Unless you like spending time in prison.

8. Driving down the Airport runway

As you can imagine, the cops on the game will be onto your ass immediately if you even think about attempting to do this. Providing you manage to flee from the law in the long run, it's pretty fun sending your vehicle hurtling under oncoming passenger jets. "What? I've got a mission to do? Sorry, I'm too busy getting chased by a SWAT team down the Airport runway." If you rang up your boss with that as an excuse for missing work one day, I reckon you'd have an undeniably good case for being absent.

7. Throwing grenades out of your vehicle during pursuits

I can't really find many reasons to support this action's position in the Top 10, apart from that it's infinitely fun. If you manage to time your grenade throwing antics perfectly, you'll be met with police car laden fireworks. Just make sure that you don't hold on for too long before throwing a grenade, or you'll find yourself being the centre piece of the light show. Procrastination on a virtual scale at a more explosive level.

6. Listening to the City's radio network

The attention to detail in terms of the amount of radio stations available to you while driving around in Liberty City is impressive. But it's not the musical aspect to the simulated stations that humours me; it's the copious amount of fake product endorsement, mock parodies and hilarious news stories that get me giggling. I could quite happily cruise around the City streets all day, listening to and laughing at some of the priceless radio snippets thrown at me in the game. And with radio station names like 'Electro Choc', you can't go wrong!

5. Taking down police helicopters

It's just an unrivalled satisfaction. Take down the pilot and watch the aircraft plummet, or whip out the rocket launcher and finish the job explosively. Either way, it's great fun!

4. Ignoring everyone's phone calls

Why would you want to play darts or go ten-pin bowling with your annoying cousin Roman, when you can be having so much more fun on your lonesome? With many more important objectives on your agenda, such as stealing stretch limousines from unsuspecting chauffeurs, it's very clear to see that Roman would understand. The steroid pumped loony Bruce, who often refers to himself as "Brucey baby!", will definitely have to leave a voice mail as well. Whatever he's got to say can certainly wait until after you've accidentally driven your limo off of a pier.

3. Becoming a designated helicopter tour guide

Located in Algoquin, to the far South of the island, you'll find Heli-Tours - one of the City's fictional tourist hot spots. It is possible to take part in a tour as passenger, but this is GTA - why not become your own tour guide? Just kick the pilot out of his chopper and bag a free helicopter. A proven case that Grand Theft Auto enhances career prospects.

2. Laughing at how clear a rip-off Liberty City is of New York

In New York City for example, you have the well known districts of Brooklyn and Queens. Liberty City introduces you to... Broker and Dukes - hilariously titled recreations of the originals. There is no denying that Grand Theft Auto IV's city environment is heavily based on New York, but some of the intentional mirror locations and their names are far from the connotations of an Empire State. The Statue of Happiness? Located on Happiness Island? Oh, come on! What makes it even funnier is that, instead of a torch, Liberty's imposter holds a paper drinks cup aloft. But the one that really shows a lack of creativity and originality on the part of the game's developers goes to Central Park's Liberty City alternative - Middle Park. If that wasn't made to sound intentionally crap and corny; then someone, somewhere along the line definitely needs to invest in a Thesaurus. Make sure you also check out Star Junction - Times Square on a budget.

1. Watching the television, and getting hooked

The Serrated Edge: a show selling knifes and weaponry in the distinctive style of QVC. I'm Rich: a skit on E! Entertainment's entirely dire celebrity gossip programmes. Republican Space Rangers: a cartoon which I cannot begin to grasp on any level. These are all examples of the entirely high brow shows that you would expect to be met with when tuning into Liberty City's television network. I once sat and watched around two wholly concocted hours of virtual television whilst playing Grand Theft Auto IV. It got me hooked, but there is no reason why it should have done. It's rubbish, but so strangely addictive. I wasn't just procrastinating on the game, I was procrastinating in real life! That's why it's my number one.

Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Film Review

2011-06-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

“What was that!?” a disorientated Lennox shouts. “That was Shockwave.” At that point; I can only imagine that any G1 fan with even a hint of knowledge about this motherf**ker, would have felt the same spine-tingling sensation that I did during an early sequence featuring NEST operations in Chernobyl. But, to my dismay, Shockwave’s title as the ‘new villain’ seemed to be brushed aside for a large part of the film. The one eyed Decepticon returned to churn up mayhem in Chicago around 90 minutes after his initial introduction, leaving anticipated fans like me wary of why he didn’t play such a pivotal role? That’s because, he didn’t - and in honesty (without giving too much away) he went out like a bitch. His character and many others of his allies around him all felt the steely blow of a ‘one hit kill’ quartet. With a huge build up and a hint of character development (Bay introducing character development!?), it seemed that each of the Decepticons should have had a bigger role to play in what the viewers ultimately paid to see - robot fighting.

That being said; the visual effects and set pieces throughout the film were nothing short of ground breaking. If a short film had been contained specifically around the final hour of the film, I’d have struggled not to give it 5 stars for the effects alone. But… There’s another 90 minutes to deal with before we get to that part the narrative. For most of the opening hour and a half, the storyline was credible in comparison to its predecessors and it seemed that Bay had actually managed to produce a plot which stuck. The opening sequence in which the war for Cybertron brings the Ark crashing down on the Moon was probably one of my most favourite scenes in the whole experience, intertwining phenomenal CGI and 3D with an intelligent storyline following the 1969 Apollo 11 mission. It felt believable in parts, hooking the viewer from the off.

I admit, even as a fan who wanted this film to be action packed throughout, the action needed a break to establish a story. But, it failed to keep me interested in parts during the first hour, most notably through Ken Jeong’s waste of a character. I won’t go into it. Bruce - Sam’s new boss (played my John Malkovich) seemed wasted also, only present to add short and mediocre elements of humour. Sam’s parents also reprise their roles in this one, taking a back seat, but still there pulling below belt and childish jokes. In truth though, there was nothing in the film that I despised or even took a major dislike to. Yes, the scenes in which Sam progresses in the workplace seemed far too fleshed out, and some of it could have been removed or replaced with more of what we came to see. But only the most critical nit-pickers would choose to let unnecessary extended scenes cloud their vision through a largely entertaining first two acts. Carly - Sam’s new girlfriend isn’t on for an Oscar nomination with her performance, but her glamorous looks and decent composure kept her from completely failing. An improvement on Fox, I’d say. Patrick Dempsey’s character of Carly’s new boss is in contrast to some other characters in the film, a welcome addition to the cast though.

Here’s what I liked besides the scenes in Chicago then. Sentinel Prime’s character was a stroke of genius on the part of the writers, voiced brilliantly by Leonard Nimoy (Spock from the original Star Trek). His appearances feature less than I would have hoped, but the character’s pivotal significance to the narrative made for gripped seat viewing. Although the final hour proved to provide a bonanza of fun, the chase sequence featuring: the Decepticon Dreads (as Chevrolet Suburbans), Bumblebee, Sideswipe and Dino (yes, that is his confirmed name), is a true spectacle. Ironhide also comes to join the party soon after, adding to the excitement ten fold through a pistol stand-off of sorts. Brilliant! The climax to this particular scene is also one that will hit the viewer hard with a sense of “what the f**k!?” I shall say no more. Optimus Prime once again proves to deliver in the former half of the film, leading the Autobots through darker times honourably.

New editions to the allies cast include: Ferrari 458 Italia - Dino, Inventor – Q, The Wreckers and Wheelie’s friend Brains. Wheelie and Brains seem to add light humour to proceedings, harmless fun which can’t be criticised, only sniggered at. They didn’t do the plot any harm, without adding a great deal either. Dino has a few decent lines early on, although the Italian accented character took his place in background fighting for the most part of the film. Q seemed to be Irish of sorts, having two or three lines I believe, whilst The Wreckers made for a group of NASCAR promotional material. They gave a handful of decent performances throughout the final sequences, though only being introduced over half way through the storyline.

Unlike in previous instalments of the franchise, character deaths brought emotion, making even the most hardened viewers at least well up inside… If not physically. Be prepared for utter carnage in Chicago, because pivotal deaths are on the cards from the off - and they do happen. Decepticon deaths, as I said are numerous, plus the final word on a forgotten bad guy from the first film is played out. Guess who? Tyrese Gibson reprises his role as Epps in this one, giving a solid performance and the best of his three so far. Captain Lennox is there once again also. Josh Duhamel’s character gives what you would expect, although Epps’ role in the film just pips his. The wingsuit soldiers scene is phenomenal and dizzying, where as the toppling skyscraper spectacle (which turns out to be longer than you may expect) will blow you away. The Chicago aspect to this film is brilliant… Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant… Until a point. It seems that all of the build up serves to provide a rushed anti-climax to proceedings, giving the viewer a sense of satisfaction yet a feeling of “was that it?” Don’t get me wrong, the whole film is an action packed blitzkrieg, but the ending just seems to come a little too fast. After 154 minutes, nobody can deny that the film is long enough. But maybe, Michael Bay could have transferred some of the largely useless scenes from the opening parts of the movie into making the ultimatum a more detailed one.

The Verdict: As I said and will always say, you don’t go into Transformers films looking for answers to niggling questions or for a ground breaking plot. You go into them to see good robots fight bad robots. You go into them to have a taste of visual heaven. You go into them to feel like you’re 12 years old again. Okay, there are some flaws to Dark of the Moon, but who was expecting it to be spotless from these? I for sure wasn’t. You take the whole franchise with a pinch of salt and say “hey, for 2 and half hours, I’m going to enjoy myself”. That’s what I did this evening, and boy, did I enjoy myself! Go watch it, even if you hate the idea of transforming robots. Trust me, the visuals alone will be enough to ensure you have a blast.

Rating: ««««

Top 10 - Internet Acronyms and Initialisms

2011-06-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

The internet is a breeding ground for the most unique and quirky modern creations. Not only has it widened the span of knowledge available to the world but has, at least in the English language, formed its own lexical set. Abbreviated text talk emerged through mobile phone communication around 10 years ago, creating a whole new language. This included shortened word forms; inspiring the emergence of a majority of grammatically devoid, incomplete sentence structures. Now, primarily through the internet, new ways of abbreviated sentences have reared their weird shaped heads (metaphorically of course). With the growth of platforms such as online forums and chat rooms; acronyms and initialisms have begun to diversify across web based mediums, taking our language into a galactic state of bizarre.

Just before I start the countdown, I'd like to point out that there is a very distinct difference between acronyms and initialisms:

Acronyms use initials of existing words to create a whole new, pronounceable word (e.g. LASER).
Initialisms use initials of existing words to create a common term, pronounced individually through each letter (e.g. BMW) .

DISCLAIMER: My Top 10s rarely feature bad language, but on this occasion it is of appropriate nature to the topic at hand. If you are easily offended by explicit rhetoric, it would not be recommended to read on. Oh, and kids - it would definitely be recommended to repeat all of the words you read here to your parents (especially number 3).

10. WTF (What The Fuck)

This light hearted and loveable initialism has come to epitomise modern lexis. Used as a sign of shock or revulsion, amongst other emotions, 'WTF' has universally come to connote the sense of outburst at a particular event or image. I like its current use in internet chat because it sums up a particular moment quite well, without the writer really having to add extra comment. Nowadays, everyone knows what 'WTF' means. And if you don't... WTF man!?

Typical example of use: "WTF is that bitch doing here?"

9. MSN (Microsoft Network)

Used so regularly and compulsively - MSN - once the name of a humble internet service provider, has undergone ameliorative change to describe a cover-all term for various internet platforms. Most notably of these platforms is the now defunct MSN Messenger service, more commonly known in the modern day as Windows Live Messenger. This live messaging service hasn't retained the name 'MSN' for years now, but the majority of youth demographics still refer to the initialism in regard to the popular communication hub. Although in saying this, it is clear that the snappy abbreviated title has done its job. I'd doubt many who use the term regularly would even know what MSN actually stands for...

Typical example of use: "Coming on MSN tonight?"

8. JGI (Just Google It)

The world's leading internet search engine seems to have spawned its own initialism. The company name 'Google' as a noun has also traversed word class to become a verb, through the new age action - 'Googling'. Again; like in the MSN case, these internet giants have managed to have such an impact, that abbreviations are beginning to implicitly hint at the universal use of the web search tool. 'JGI' also parodies the ethics of the younger generation, being so wrapped up in relying on the internet for all the answers as well as being too lazy to spell out a three word phrase.

Typical example of use: "The meaning of life? JGI man!"

7. ILY (I Love You)

Okay, if you're going to pour your heart out to someone, it's not the best idea to express that one almighty phrase through an abbreviation. It firstly shows lack of lexical diversity, dominated by a sense of carelessness. It's the physical equivalent of giving your girlfriend a box of chocolates and eating all of the good ones first. Lack of sanity, lack of care, lack of appreciation and a desperate urge for me to punch you square in the face. And... I'm done.

Typical example of use: "ILY, will U marey me?"

6. LOL (Laughing Out Loud)

Not to be mistaken for 'Lots Of Love', which copious Grandmothers seem to be putting at the end of texts to their loved ones after a death of a family pet. This is what bad lexical diversity can do to the English language, turning Grandmas into monsters! "Sparky unfortunately passed away this morning. LOL." You can kind of see how that would go down... But referring back to its more recognised meaning, 'LOL' is probably the most common of all new age acronyms and initialisms to hit the nation's vocabulary. Being an acronym, it can be uttered fluently in everyday conversation, resulting in the emergence of 'LOL'ing youths scattering the streets and beating up Grannies for crimes against animal morality. A final point. Has any human in the existence of ever, used the term 'LOL' in an online sense whilst physically laughing out loud? The internet's a lie!

Typical example of use: "Your Mum is well fat. LOL."

5. BYOB (Bring Your Own Booze)

Three things you can take from this gem of an initialism. The first being, that as a modern generation, we do not condone sharing. Secondly, we're too lazy to be bothered to explicitly tell you to keep your hands off our alcohol. And thirdly, we're a bunch of young alcoholics who derive funky abbreviations exclusively around the semantic field of getting pissed. Urm... yeah. In a nutshell.

Typical example of use: "BYOB, Virgil." (Thunderbirds reference)

4. LMIRL (Let's Meet In Real Life)

This pretty much defines the internet. Refer to my list 'Top 10 - Ways people annoy me on Facebook' to get more of an insight into my unchanged views on fabricated online relationships. But the initialism 'LMIRL' made me laugh quite vigorously the moment I saw it, providing a solid reason for including it so high on my list.

Typical example of use: "LMIRL, because very occasionally, I do leave my house."

3. MILF (Mother I'd Love To Fuck)

Inspired by the work of adult entertainment industries, the provocative acronym has come to denote a female of a 'certain age' who has experience and maturity on her side in terms of 'under the sheets' antics. Fuck it, I did include a disclaimer at the start of this list, so let's not beat 'around the bush' (get it?) any more with sexual euphemisms. 'MILF' has expanded in epic proportions over the last couple of years, talked of in whispers between 14 year old boys whilst encountering 'Stacey's Mom' type scenarios. It's funny, it's harmless and it's the perfect example of what porn has burdened our dialect with in modern times.

Typical example of use: "Wow, your Mum's a MILF!"

2. FML (Fuck My Life)

I've only seen this beauty crop up in slang vocabulary over the last year or two, but the initialism adheres to the stereotypical view of hormonal teenagers hating everything about themselves and the world around them. This particular term is always at its funniest when uttered during completely underwhelming scenarios. For example, whist playing video games or having bad hair days. Because it's such an over the top (OTT) abbreviation, it's hilarious when used in stupid contexts.

Typical example of use: "I was on a 10 kill streak and some twat shot me. FML!"

1. ESAD (Eat Shit And Die)

It generally touches me, how lovely some people can be. And to abbreviate the whole affair for effect? Oh, you're such darlings for that. But, to be fair to anyway willing to hit you with such a forceful imperative, it's a pretty good way to go out... Choking on excrement. Impossible to disagree.

Typical example of use: "Pay back for interrupting my 10 kill streak. ESAD bitch!"

Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Top 10 - Funny Advertising Campaigns

2011-04-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

Marketing is the theme for this week's Top 10; more specifically the television commercial - a form of direct advertising used to encapsulate a viewing audience and ultimately, sell a product. But some members of the industry have tapped into the need for bringing joy and humour into the mindset of the advert viewer, grasping at the identity of a product being tied with a recognisable funny quirk or hilarious message. So without further ado, let us count down my top 10 funny advertising campaigns...

10. Cravendale

Milk giants Cravendale, through their igenious stop motion "Milk Matters" campaign, have brought forward a fun and light hearted series of animations to the screen depicting a recognisable bunch of plastic figures. The embedded message is obviously to drink milk through this commercial, but it's playful voice acting and colourful scenarios give Cravendale that added humorous edge.

9. Vauxhall (Meriva and Zafira)

Coined as 'smart family cars', Vauxhall's 2004 campaign for family sized vehicles introduced two school children acting as bantering fathers. I vaguely remember its hit status in the UK at the time, with the child actors gaining all of the plaudits for their role in an intentionally humorous commercial. It made people laugh, whilst as well as that, probably selling a heap load of cars for the motoring company. Kids, get you every time don't they?

8. Cadbury

'Random' would be a blanket term to describe Cadbury's "A glass and a half full of joy" stint on the box. Recognisable adverts included: the gorilla drumming 'In the Air Tonight' by Phil Collins, the airport drag race twined with Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now' and those scarily weird children who rose their eyebrows to 'Don't Stop the Rock' by Freestyle. All funny I guess, in their own little way... Somehow. I took my pick from the three as the featured video.

7. Pepsi Max

Pepsi's "Max It" campaign for their sugar free alternative drink is probably much funnier with the male demographic (including myself), simply because it represents a masculine idealism. The process of getting away with the unthinkable and living the good life is what all men strive for, so the reprieve of these adverts for males may help the women of the world to see what goes on in the mind of their other half. Oh, and the adverts are hilarious.

6. Weetabix

It has now become clear in my mind that Weetabix are good at creating talking animals. The current 'chocolate Weetabix' commercial doing the rounds makes me happy inside, with a range of domestic pets taking speaking parts in a morning kitchen sequence. But unfortunately that campaign ("Happy Breakfast Everyone") hasn't quite made it on to my list. The advert in question resides somewhere along the lines of "Someone's had their Weetabix." If you don't know it, it involves a talking horse and a man on a mission. Pure joy and laughter ensured - just watch.

5. Zazoo Condoms

When first watching this commercial, it's not quiet clear what the advert is trying to sell or promote. I think that's why it's so funny; because once the viewer knows why this particular commercial is portraying an intolerably annoying child in this light, it's quite literally 'wet your pants' time. If you can, erase this last paragraph from your memory and go into the advert oblivious - it'll make it a whole lot funnier.

4. Thinkbox

"Every home needs a Harvey", the Thinkbox advert which brings together all of the elements of the perfect pet. It's fundamentally funny because it's basically, a dog that can do the ironing! What more can you ask for? Not much, only three places on my list by my reckoning. I think I need a Harvey in my life too...

3. WKD

The question is "Have you got a WKD side?" This campaign is one of many sets of commercials geared towards alcohol which presents the 'typical lad' side of the male drinker - influenced to be unhealthy, lazy and ignorant. Obviously it's all one big joke on the 'WKD side' of a man's personality, but it's pulled off with such fluency - creating undoubted laughter from all sides of the viewing audience.

2. Heineken

The walk-in wardrobe advert. One word... actually two, with one being a swear word (you've been warned). Fucking brilliant. I don't want to describe it, so instead I shall let you watch and decide for yourself. Enjoy!

1. John Smith's

"No Nonsense" is the slogan for John Smith's depicted advertising campaign, and I quite simply cannot think of anything more fitting to describe this particular commercial's effectiveness. Brutal humour reassured by hundreds of viewers howling with laughter at their televisions. But to be fair to Mr. Kay in this video, Claire from work is quite a being. I'm just putting it out there...

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An exploration into the Yorkshire dialect

2011-03-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

Flat caps, pints of bitter and roll-ups - what comes to mind? Yorkshire speakers have; ever since I can remember; been stereotyped in such a way that suggests country pubs, rolling hills and the villages of ‘God’s own country.’

Due to my proud heritage as a Yorkshireman, the county’s rich and diverse range of dialects greatly interest me. But how much truth can be taken from these stereotypical representations, and how is the mentality of the North encoded through speech?

‘Yorkshire wisdom’ is a term that continually crops up alongside the country’s perception of the Northern constituent. The idea that Yorkshire folk know best is all too common, leading to the suggestion that this wisdom is embedded in their unique phrases and idioms.

The wealth of this unique dialect is expressed predominantly through older generations, my Grandmother being a prime example of the Yorkshire wisdom. On visiting her, a whole host of rich dialect sayings are often exchanged - with most being truly fascinating. “He’ll stand ‘egg under ‘cap” is one of my personal favourites, meaning someone who is easily fooled. It almost denotes the fact that the subject in question would literally place an egg on their head if commanded to, due to their gullible nature - a wonderful idiom.

But what are the roots of these sayings? The environment of the Yorkshireman goes a long way in shaping many of the phrases that are found in the dialect. In regard to my Grandmother’s term, the idea of a ‘cap’ harks back to the traditional farmer’s flat cap. Connotations of the countryside are also drawn through ‘egg,’ bringing to mind the rural farmlands of the county. So embedded in Yorkshire terms, these environmental factors do seem to be key - another example being the humorous idiom “were you born in a field?” As well as presenting the values of common sense that are etched into the Yorkshire way of thinking, this saying holds a subtle command to close a door that is left ajar. It also sarcastically hints at the fact the recipient of the utterance isn’t aware of the practise of closing doors.

The imbedded procedure of ellipsis (omission of words) and elision (omission of syllables) is also a fascinating implication of the Yorkshire dialect, with abbreviated utterance forms being the norm in local speech patterns. A common example of this being “I’m off t’ shop,” which replaces “to the” with one sharp syllable. It simultaneously combines both of the proposed dialect features, whilst still clearly conveying the intended information through an abbreviation. Speech such as this reinforces the ‘straight to the point’ attitude of Yorkshire speakers, bred from a more laconic lexicon where by a lot of information is expressed through very few words. This taciturnity is a great skill, yet a simple feature which helps form the identity of Yorkshire speakers - allowing for easier and snappier exchanges.

The modern media also shapes the perception of Yorkshire speakers as well as being a strong factor towards echoing their mentality. Comedic performances in sketch shows which instigate humour through the dialect and its unique features, such as Harry Enfield’s character George Integrity Whitebread, light heartedly mock ‘Yorkshire-isms’ whilst reinforcing the idea that the county’s residents have an honest and seemingly unchallengeable point of view. Whitebread’s catchphrase - “I say what I like, and I like what I bloody well say” doesn’t just represent Yorkshire dialect through the informal adjective ‘bloody,’ but raises the stereotypical assumptions that the folk up North know best… or at least we think we do.

In addition, advertising also plays a large part in emphasising this mentality with the likes of the Yorkshire based broadband company - Plusnet. Slogans at the end of each advert such as “a call centre down t’ road” and “good honest broadband from Yorkshire” once again channel typical Yorkshire dialect into the language, as well as suggesting a sense of pride about being from the region.

Although a proud heritage surrounds Yorkshire and its speakers, some linguists fear that as the modern age approaches, regional dialects may become increasingly diluted through the rise of ‘Standard English’. Martyn Wakelin, author of ‘discovering English dialects’, is among the sceptics who believe that local identities revolving around speech are dying out.

Wakelin stated that regional dialect “is being eroded” and “is best preserved within rural areas, particularly among older generations.” Does this mean then that when our most aged relatives (who hold this seemingly undying wisdom) depart this life, will Yorkshire and other English dialects slowly pass out of usage? I for one hope not, because dialect determines our identity and ultimately represents who we are. Or as my Grandmother would say, “we nowt wi’ out ‘r roots.”

Top 10 - Recurring characters from The Simpsons

2011-03-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons - a show that has encapsulated the cartoon loving audience on mainstream television since 1989, still to this day churning out over twenty episodes a year. It has generated some of the most loveable characters ever on a fictional level, with the likes of new arrivals being annually added to the cast. Star studded cameos also grace the town of Springfield from time to time, and how could you forget the protagonists amidst all of the action - the Simpsons family themselves. Now into its 22nd season on our screens, will it ever end? I for one hope not.

I will be leaving all of the core members of the Simpsons family behind for this countdown, only including regular characters on the show who don't make up the terrific five-some. But before I begin the definitive Top 10, I'll give you a brief run through (from 20 to 11) of the characters who just missed out on a place on my list. Here we go...

20. Hans Moleman

19. Chester "Snake" Turley

18. Barney Gumble

17. Krusty the Clown

16. Waylon Smithers

15. Principal Seymour Skinner

14. Moe Szyslak

13. Milhouse Van Houten

12. Grandpa Abraham Simpson

11. Groundskeeper Willie

And now for the Top 10...

10. Chief Clancy Wiggum

This loveable cop from the Springfield Police Department generally humours me. His docile approach to the job in hand is what makes the character funny. I'm also pretty sure that he never attended career training when he was younger, due to him knowing nothing about his role as chief of police.

What he'd probably say: "Don't move, I have a doughnut and I'm not afraid to use it."

9. Gil Gunderson

Being a constantly unsuccessful salesman who tries his hand at any job attempting to sell things to earn money - Gil pops up from time to time in the Simpsons, sporting a different career path on each occasion. His combination of bad luck, lack of self esteem and poor sales technique means Gil has yet to strike it rich on the show. You will have your time Gil, you will have your time.

What he'd probably say: "Ah, I shouldn't o' said that. Oh, old Gil's gone and done it again."

8. Charles Montgomery Burns

The multi-billionaire dollar owner of Springfield nuclear power plant's hatred to all others and need for global domination makes for a very entertaining character. His age in also an issue on the show, with nobody actually knowing quite how old he is. I think that he'll live forever. But if not, definitely forever in our hearts. Love you Monty.

What he'd probably say: "Excellent."

7. Ned Flanders

Owner of the Leftorium (a shop selling items exclusively for left handed people) and Homer's next door neighbour, Flanders is Springfield's resident bible basher. The irony of his devotion to God entwined with his terribly bad fortune creates a humorous persona, and one everyone has to love. His crazy choice of vocabulary also amuses me, "diddly" and "doodly" being my personal favourites. He tries so hard to be nice to Homer, getting nothing back in return. I wonder how much more hidden anger he can hold in before he explodes?

What he'd probably say: "Hi diddly doodly friend... diddly."

6. Lenny Leonard and Carl Carlson

Lenny and Carl - Homer's work colleagues at the Springfield nuclear power plant. The reason they are so high on my list is because of the fact that in almost every scene that they appear in, they're together. And I find that very funny. But don't ask me why, it just is. Also their surnames are pretty much the same as their first names, which is also amusing.

What they'd probably say: "Hey Homer." "See you around Homer."

5. Superintendent Gary Chalmers

Principal Skinner's superior at Springfield Elementary School always seems to pop up as Skinner is either doing something inappropriate, or hilarious. My favourite memory of Chalmers involves the 'steamed hams' episode in which Skinner claims to have the Aurora Borealis contained in his kitchen. The Superintendent should definitely be in the show more often.

What he'd probably say: "SKINNER!"

4. Ralph Wiggum

There's not much to say about Ralph. He is just so much fun, and I can't help but laugh at everything he says. The epitome of obliviousness.

What he'd probably say: "My daddy says I'm special."

3. Nelson Muntz

Unless he's centrally involved in a particular episode, Nelson only ever does one thing - and that's to laugh at other characters' expense. Any time a character on the show makes a fool of or hurts them self, you can be sure that Nelson will pop out to from somewhere to laugh - whatever the circumstance or location. It's his only selling point really, but a good one to have.

What he'd probably say: "Ha ha!"

2. Comic Book Guy

The overweight and sarcastic owner of The Android's Dungeon and Baseball Card Shop narrowly 'squeezes' into the penultimate spot on my list. Real name Jeff Albertson, Comic Book Guy arouses audience laughter through his spew of sarcasm on nerdy topics such as Sci-Fi films and superheroes. As most of my favourite characters in the Simpsons do; Comic Book Guy pops up randomly, often pessimistically reflecting on a previous occurrence. He doesn't seem to ever have any friends either, adhering to another of the many nerdy stereotypes. Poor Comic Book Guy.

What he'd probably say: "Best blog ever."

1. Troy McClure

Hi I'm Adam Sharp, you may remember me from such Top 10 lists as "Ways people annoy me on Facebook," "Television Panel Shows" and "Hilarious question from Yahoo Answers." Yes, I'm referring to the washed up actor that is Troy McClure. On his arrival to any scene on the show, Troy will usually refer to all of his starring roles in hilarious film and television titles. This makes for such a character which is only really there to pitch the quirky and imaginative side of the show's creators. But gosh, Troy most certainly does make me chuckle. And that's why he is my number 1. Maybe he can go on and get some work off the back of this accolade.

What he'd probably say: "Hi I'm actor Troy Mclure, you may remember me from such films as..."

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Top 10 - Celebrity appearances in James Corden's Comic Relief 2011 sketch

2011-03-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

Today I bring to you an exclusive Top 10, especially for Comic Relief. Even with hundreds of funny moments in 2011's charity evening, one particular part of the event stood out as being beyond hilarious. This being James Corden's side splitting sketch involving a meeting with more than a few familiar faces, with Corden playing as his 'Gavin and Stacey' born character - Smithy. Here's my pick of the stars that showed up on the night, including a stand-out quote about or from each of the Top 10.

10. Kiera Knightley

"Everybody knows that tears are the first rule of a good Comic Relief film."

9. Rupert Grint and Tom Felton

Rupert: "These kids live in such poverty, that the words Hogwarts and Quidditch mean nothing to them."

8. JLS

Sing 'Everybody in Love'

7. Tom Daley

Smithy: "Tom, do you ever wear any clothes?"

6. Rio Ferdinand

"I've won the Champions League, the Premier League a few times. I was being humble!"

5. Sir Paul McCartney

"People don't like tubbies in Africa."

4. Justin Bieber

"I love you Smithy."

3. Gordon Brown

"I have been thinking about doing a duet with JLS."

2. Ringo Starr

Paul: "And I am the last remaining Beatle."
Ringo: "What about me?"

1. George Michael

"Such a pair of closet bummers, it's ridiculous."

Other famous faces in the sketch included: Lenny Henry, Richard Curtis, Dermot O'Leary, Davina McCall, Lord Sebastian Coe, Roger Lloyd Pack, Lord Robert Winston, Richard Madeley and Clare Balding.

Please make a donation to Comic Relief by going to the website: www.rednoseday.com

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And finally, watch Corden's excellent Red Nose Day sketch here:

Top 10 - Television Panel Shows

2011-03-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

This week I'm bringing the weekly Top 10 back to the sofa and focusing on television once again. It is the life blood of the modern generation and the panel show as a comedy/TV love child has raced onto the scene at an alarming rate in the 21st century, taking viewers by storm and encapsulating an ever returning audience. So without further ado, here are my Top 10 television panel shows...

10. Would I Lie To You?

Knowing me, I probably would. Fortunately, that wasn't a question - it's the the name of the number ten panel show on my list. 'WILTY' as I will now fondly refer to it as; is a programme featuring celebrity guests who either have to lie through their teeth with ridiculous tales or pretend to make ridiculous tales seem like lies when in fact they are actually the truth. So in the Layman's terms, the concept is simple - is the story a lie or the truth? There is no need to answer that question either by the way. It wasn't quiet rhetorical, but it definitely wasn't directed at you. 'WILTY' offers a couple of laughs for an evening in front of the television, but isn't exactly anything revolutionary. And that's why it isn't my number 1. Next!

9. The Bubble

Hosted by David Mitchell, 'The Bubble' presents three minor celebrities (usually comedians) who have been locked in confinement for a week with no access to the internet, television or radio. In short - no media coverage. They are then brought back to a studio, in which Mitchell asks them various questions regarding the week's news through a multiple choice system. As in most quiz type panel shows, none of the guests take it very seriously; playing primarily for humour; and in the end the winner never really deserves the accolade. I haven't seen the show on the air for a good few months now due to its probable decommissioning. But in my eyes, it was a minor success and well worth a watch.

8. A Question of Sport

The sports quiz panel show in which Sue Barker and regular team captains - rugby mad Matt Dawson and chirpy cricketer Phil Tufnell send 'At the Races' to the cleaners. A well rounded and 'sports icon big' programme brings together the best in the industry for twelve rounds of intense and sweaty quizzical conundrums. The contestants in this one (all being either current or ex sports men and women) actually take the show seriously, spewing out specific knowledge that I had no idea existed. Obviously being heavy on one particular field means 'QOS' isn't to everyone's taste, but I enjoy if for its perfect mix of meaty sports nourishment and humorous banter. They may have just hit a hole in one.

7. 8 out of 10 Cats

Jimmy Carr's perilously close to unairable stance on comedy, this time sets its beady eyes on the world of Friday night panel shows. In '8 out of 10 Cats,' celebrities (who would have guessed it) clamber into the lime light in response to current affairs and quirky statistics. Thankfully Carr's foul mouthed repetitious is shunned by a moderately light hearted approach to comedy in this show, making for a very comfortable evening viewing. It is however a long running concept which is in my view coming to a slow end. As competing shows arrive with fresh ideas, cats seems to be lying at the sidelines struggling to come up with anything new. Shamefully meowing at number 7, it seems to have honourably run its course.

6. Whose Line is it Anyway?

Again, this is not another question but the title of the hilariously imaginative improvisation show. 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' brings together the greatest physical comedians in the business, with a plot line waiting to explode. In each episode, audience members get to choose many of the scenarios that the comedians in turn have to act out. The unplanned nature of the programme is what makes it so terrific, with the sound effects round sending me into stitches every time. The US version is undoubtedly more exhilarating than its British counterpart, but both are more than definitely worth a watch. I cannot justify through words how funny this programme can be. Watch it if you get a chance.

5. Shooting Stars

'Shooting Stars' presents Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer in the quintessentially odd panel show featuring current score keeper Angelos Epithemiou and captains Ulrika Jonsson and Jack Dee. Its twisted approach to comedy is what clinches 'Shooting Stars' fifth place in the list, reinforced by Angelos' dead pan and combustible persona as the hilarious points hoarder. A slice of Reeves' and Mortimer's world is essentially what you get with the show, and half an hour is all you really need before finding yourself fixated to the screen in a daze of confusion. Some of the antics they pull have no real meaning or explanation and in saying that, I still haven't quite worked out what Matt Lucas' previous score keeper character (George Dawes) actually signified. An overweight five foot baby dressed in a sleep suit whilst playing drums was all a little too much for my mind to comprehend.

4. The Big Fat Quiz of the Year

After Christmas is over, and the whole family seems to be down in the dumps with the realisation that a return to work is just around the corner, there is one reprieve - that being the gloriously exciting 'Big Fat Quiz of the Year.' 'BFQOTY,' which as an abbreviation I admit looks laughably stupid, gives Jimmy Carr his headline gig of the television calender with the help of a panel consisting of three comedic duos (basically Noel Fielding, that guy out the IT Crowd, Jonathan Ross when he's not in jail and a few others). It lasts ages, is a great watch and brings back to life some of the forgotten memories of the previous year. It should be seasonal tradition to watch it.

3. Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Never mind watching anything else, let's get on to never minding those Buzzcocks! This show gives music a new identity and I genuinely think every round is my favourite. The differing guests and hosts from week to week give the programme a new spin on every episode, making it so unique in the way the producers have decided to present the show. Noel Fielding has become part of the furniture as a team captain on Buzzcocks, as has opposing leader Phil Jupitus. Both have differing comedic approaches, which respectively work impeccably. The last series of the show was my favourite by some margin and in all honesty, it can only get better. Roll on more musical mayhem please.

2. Mock the Week

'Mock the Week' is undoubtedly the most popular panel show out there at the moment, or at least was a year or two ago. Even after Frankie Boyle's untimely departure from the programme, it still maintained its humour and wit - replacing Boyle with a whole host of new and hilarious talent. Careers for some of the guest on 'MTW' have been made from appearing on the show and the thorough bred talent we see on our screens in recent episodes is comedic gold. The rounds are formulated to suit all of the guest's styles and the final stage of the show (in which comedians comment on a particular 'scene we'd like to see') almost always raises the roof through laughter. You can't mock it, you can only applaud it.

1. QI

Stephen Fry's masterpiece of intellect and humour breaths new life on to the television panel show. It is hard to explain the interest I have in 'QI,' because it interests me so much. It not only teaches me new and different things, it also provides me with the laughs (primarily thanks to Alan Davies) that I expect from all other shows of the same ilk. The concoction created through these two fundamentals intertwined make for an unmistakably fascinating programme. Bravo QI, bravo.

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Top 10 - Ways people annoy me on Facebook

2011-03-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

Facebook - the social networking hub of the world. Almost everybody uses it (including me), and it seems that most people's lives revolve around the site. Unfortunately I tend to get annoyed quite easily, and Facebook proves no exception. So if you partake in any of these ten on the site, I don't resent you for it. I probably just find you really annoying...

10. People who attempt to spell using sophisticated language or grammar and fail

I have no problem with people mis-spelling or using bad grammar for obvious abbreviation or humour, but it's the ones who try to be clever and miraculously fail who destroy my hopes and dreams for the world's next generation. Or even worse; the idiots who have the cheek to correct someone's poor language use, then make a blunder themselves in the following exchange. I once witnessed a person on Facebook correcting someone and then using, and I quote, the word 'grammer' to point out that they had made a GRAMMAR mistake. It made me die a little inside.

9. People who talk about their sex lives

This one doesn't happen so much, but when it does, I think I am safe in saying that everyone is thinking the same thing as me - "we don't care". If you want to publicise your bedroom conquests, then upload your home movie to Porn Hub. No sex films on Facebook though please, I think you'll find that might be a little inappropriate.

8. People who moan about their problems

Stereotypically done by girls, an extension of this point involves a very vague status emphasising that there is something wrong. Then when a friend asks what is wrong (wait for it), the subject says "it doesn't matter". What now? Sometimes it's always better to see a councillor than hit your friends with the sob story if you're not going to share. And Frankly, I don't care. I come to Facebook to socialise, not mourn for your tragic split ends.

7. People (usually guys) who take photos of themselves topless

Okay I admit I have done this once before in the past when I was very naive. But in my defence, it never became my profile picture. The past is the past and therefore I shall not dwell on this point too much. It shall only be said that vain topless photography annoys me, and that it's nice you've taken the time to keep fit. Now put your shirt on you poser.

6. People who tell everyone that they are going on holiday

Okay, let me just write down your address so I can be sure that nobody will be in when I attempt to break into your house. This annoys me because it's so damn stupid. Yes, let your close friends know that you're going on holiday but don't tell everyone on Facebook. You can never be too sure who your friends are.

5. People who have a profile picture of a car

I'm pretty sure you're not actually a car. But your name is Optimus Prime. Hmmm...

4. People who post statuses every few minutes

When people do this, it's usually a constant drivel of useless information and unrelated crap. It's very annoying and is statistically one of the major reasons users tend to unfriend you. I'm really not surprised.

3. People who pretend to be ill and are miraculously very active online

As far as I'm concerned, if you are unable to get to work, school or college through illness - you should be in bed asleep or at the sink being sick. So therefore people who have a field day on Facebook while I've been working my balls of at college, while sometimes ill myself, do very much annoy me.

2. People with an inhumane amount of friends

I myself have just over 300 friends online. Some of them I don't even consider real friends, rather acquaintances. This number fluctuates as I add and delete people from my friends list who I newly meet or feel no need for. So in seeing people with over 1000 friends on the social network it makes me wonder - "how many of these 1000 people are actually your friends?" Most likely less than a half in most cases. The record out of my friends is 1970, and it's probably gone up by a few more since I last checked. Completely ludicrous.

1. People who randomly add you as a friend

I hate this. It's my number one bane of Facebook and that's why it's at number one on my list. Often, I'll receive an add from a seemingly unknown person. Upon asking who they are, they reply with "just a random add". Well, then I'm obviously not your 'friend'. Now fuck off.

Check out my new list: Top 10 - Other ways people annoy me on Facebook.

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Top 10 - Old school children's television programmes

2011-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Back in the late 90s and early 2000s I was at that sort of age where television takes centre stage in your life. School isn't really too demanding, there's hardly any homework and everything falls nicely into place for you. At home, it's all about that box in your living room that emits the childhood gold that you thrive upon. Wake up, television, school, television, tea, television, sleep. It's a running cycle, and one that went on for me for around four or five years as a kid. So back when I was younger, and probably many of you reading this were younger, there were a few shows which still to this day live in the memory. Here's my top 10!

10. Arthur

Hey, what a wonderful kind of day. Where you can learn to work and play, and get along with each other. Those lyrics from Arthur's theme song still flow through my mind every time I think of Arthur - a cross between a human and some kind of rodent. His best friend was a rabbit for carrots sake! This show was a cult hit with children across the nation, often being shown straight after school. Prime time for TV savvy youngsters.

9. Kenan and Kel

Nickelodeon's saving grace. Kenan and Kel, from what I remember, revolved around the lives of two idiotic teenagers in pursuit of Orange Soda. I believe it was Kel who particularly liked the beverage in question. Reminiscing the restaurant episode, in which characters were continually locked in the freezer room due to the door only opening from one side sends shivers... I mean laughter down my spine. That's two jokes pulled already. I'm on a roll!

8. Bodger and Badger

I generally think the theme tune is the only thing I distinctly remember about that show. It was definitely a particularly in depth and intricate jingle. The show's title repeated several times, followed by same dopey voice crying 'na na, na na na.' Spectacular! There was also a mouse who (you guessed it) was called mousey and the title character of a badger called urm... Badger. Yes that's right, of course. Oh, and then there was his human ally Bodger; who from the looks of it, was a live action incarnation of Shaggy out of Scooby Doo. Rice pudding or custard was also one of the main themes, I think. So all in all, a great show.

7. Rugrats

The story of a group of small children living life to the full. This long running programme was one of my favourites as a kid, never once failing to rouse some sort of interest. Just a well rounded show I guess. So this time, I'm not going to be throwing my bottle out of the pram. This one's a keeper.

6. Digimon

Being a boy, I personally probably think that this was the television show of my childhood. A fantasy world, one big adventure, a group of characters I wanted to aspire to and hundreds of digivolving monsters. Life doesn't get much better than that for a hyperactive 8 year old kid. The show blew me away at the time. But on reflection, it was a less successful take on similar programmes before it and not everyone agreed with me at the time that Digimon were the best.

5. Dexter's Laboratory

Everyone loved this programme. I think I just spent too long in my room trying to find the secret button which would take me to my own laboratory. Thankfully, I didn't have an annoying little sister cocking things up all of the time. So you win some, you lose some.

4. The Powerpuff Girls

How many boys can generally say that at one point in their life 'The Powerpuff Girls' weren't their guilty pleasure? Not many, I bet. There were also some top class evil villains in this one. Mojo Jojo, the banjo playing pink furry thing and that camp devil to name just a few. Cartoon Network pulled out something unique with this show. Not only did they tap into the girl's imaginations with female protagonists, they kept it appealing to the boys with fighting and bad guys. Now everyone's happy.

3. Chucklevision

To me, to you. To me, to you. To me, to you. Not much more is really needed, they were legends in their own special way. So if you don't know who the Chuckle Brothers are, you should be crying yourself to sleep every night. Anyway, you need to pass it back to me again so that I can get on with the countdown. Thanks.

2. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

You don't get more kick-ass than these bad boys. There was five of them, varying in stereotypical colours according to the gender of the character. The girls being pink and yellow, typically. And the boys - red, blue and black I think. Then to make it even more complicated for us, a few special characters would pop up every so often to complete the spectrum. The cool thing for kids at the time was the fact they all had a robotic dinosaur each. Who funded the Power Rangers? If not the government, that big blue face I bet. I think he was called Zordon. Anyway, all of those smaller robots could combine into a huge one. When you're five, you live to see a massive robot taking to the streets and knocking ten barrels out of an oversized mutant alien. And that happened every episode! No wonder I loved it.

1. Pokémon

Number one couldn't really have been anything else. And when I say Pokémon, I mean the original 150 - because I'm retro like that. Pokémon determined some children's lives for years on end during my childhood. The trading cards simply made the show stronger, with the whole world embracing Poké-madness. It was the epitome of cool and you weren't cool if you didn't like Pokémon. Thankfully I've grown out of the things now, and it would probably work the opposite way if anyone were to still like imaginary cartoon creatures at my age. Anyway, Pokémon at the top spot. You must have seen that one coming. They're bigger than God!

Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

The growth of the mobile phone - An insight

2011-02-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

It is now, in the modern day, one of the near essentials of life to carry around a mobile phone. The development of the technology progresses on a year by year basis, producing gadgets more revolutionary each time. But how has this concept come about? Mobile phones surely didn't just pop up out of nowhere? So to show you how they started and how they became what they are now; I will be taking you on a trip down memory lane, picking up on the phones that marked major turning points for the industry.

Motorola DynaTAC 8000X

I will start your journey with the first ever true mobile phone - the Motorola DynaTAC 8000X. Trialed as early as 1981 in the United States, the 8000X was an example of the 'First Generation' (or '1G') in mobile phone technology - running on a cellular network. It was a brick of a phone, asking a lot of its status as mobile.

2G Phones

In the early 1990's, the second generation in mobile phones arrived. These presented digital connectivity, as opposed to the old analogue technology used in first generation models. This allowed for capabilities such as voice services and text messaging. But most importantly; this wave of phones were much more mobile, due to lower radio signals needing less power to make calls. 2G phones were the base for more modern handsets to be developed from.

Nokia 3210

Released in 1999 and one of the most popular and successful phones in history, the 3210 sold 160 million units worldwide. It elaborated on 2G technology, featuring an internal antenna which left behind previous phone's unsightly aerials. Also including: a changeable cover, customisable ring tones and a slim-line design - its popularity was phenomenal. The 3210 was a real bench mark for the development of mobile phones and set standards which weren't met for at least a couple of years after its release.

NTT DoCoMo 505i

After the 3210, Nokia and other large manufacturers began to ship out more modern versions of their handsets. These new versions brought forward similar features, but with two big differences - one being colour screens and the other, a camera. Although this is true, these cameras were only a very basic VGA quality. Then, in 2003, along came NTT with the first ever mobile phone featuring a mega-pixel camera. 1.3 mega-pixels to be exact. Although this sounds basic in the modern world, this technology was sophisticated enough to rival some digital cameras of the time. NTT were soon never to be heard of again as bigger manufacturers quickly snapped up the mega-pixel madness.

3G Phones

As expectations began to increase regarding mobile phones after the turn of the century, the internet also began to grow at an alarming rate. So, with that in mind, manufacturers began to produce the third generation in phones (3G). The term 3G has now come to denote the internet and with this new technology, people could now make video calls to their friends in other places and access the internet through their mobile phones. Imagine that? Sitting on the toilet while surfing the web. Amazing!

Sony Ericsson W800i

Now that people had most of their best interests catered for in their phone, music was the next summit to mount for developers. Although music players had been tried and tested for a couple of years before 2006 on mobile phones, no handsets were specifically designed for musical capabilities. Then in that same year Sony Ericsson, who were probably the biggest manufacturer at the time, released their first Walkman phone - the W800i. As well as having all of the latest features, it included a music player chiselled from Sony's already successful and dedicated Walkman range. This spawned many more similar phones as Sony Ericsson attempted to fine tune their musical application.

Apple iphone

Apple's reign of technological achievement soon set its beady eyes on the mobile phone market. With the iphone, the developers were seeking to blow all other phone companies out of the water. And I think they might just have achieved it. With a huge build up and months of anticipation, the iphone was released in Summer 2007. It marked the birth of the smart phone and worked solely to provide for itself, springing up things such as the app store - made specifically for Apple. It also boasted a touch screen, one of the first phones to do so in the modern market. The years following its release gave birth to three new models: the iphone 3G, 3GS and 4. These models filled in the flaws of previous handsets, creating a more definitive experience for consumers.

Samsung i8510 INNOV8

No manufacturers managed to successfully compete with the iphone following its release. Thankfully, its only drawback was its pricing, so some consumers turned to other alternatives. These included smart phones with the Symbian operating system, allowing for a more developed handset. One of the front runners in the stint of Symbian technology was Samsung, who introduced their i8510 model at the end of 2008. This was the first phone to offer an 8 mega-pixel camera and featured a staggering 16GB of internal memory - pretty impressive in comparison to rivalling models. The i8510 was just one of many Symbian phones released by manufacturers, with some handsets still being produced with the operating system today.

Android Phones

Now, Apple have to watch their backs because of the newly emerging Android operating system powered by Google. And who else but Google could mount an assault against the iphone? Many manufacturers have taken to the technology, including: Samsung, HTC, Sony Ericcson and Motorola. These devices now work alongside each other through the market in healthy competition, as the likes of the Samsung Galaxy S and HTC Desire challenge the iphone 4.

Phones are now starting to introduce gaming and 3D technology, whilst attempting to branch further out into the entertainment industry. So what will happen after that? Who knows...

H1N1 - My Horror Movie Opening

2011-02-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

Here's the opening to a film that I put together for my A2 Media Studies coursework. Enjoy!

The Top 10s

2011-02-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

Here's a list (that I will keep updating) of all my Top 10 lists so far:

YEAR 1
Top 10 - Hilarious questions from Yahoo Answers
Top 10 - Old school children's television programmes
Top 10 - Ways people annoy me on Facebook
Top 10 - Television Panel Shows
Top 10 - Celebrity appearances in James Corden's Comic Relief 2011 sketch
Top 10 - Recurring characters from The Simpsons
Top 10 - Funny Advertising Campaigns
Top 10 - Internet Acronyms and Initialisms
Top 10 - Ways of procrastinating in Grand Theft Auto IV

YEAR 2
Top 10 - Other ways people annoy me on Facebook
Top 10 - Worst FIFA Loss Excuses

Give me your ideas and suggestions on what should be included in future 'Top 10s', either through my blog or by sending me an e-mail at - adam.sharp39@googlemail.com.

A view on comedy

2011-01-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

Comedy has a sole purpose, to make people laugh. Its agenda is simple. Creating laughter equals a successful comedic routine. I agree with that fact, but it's well known that a large majority of us don't. Political correctness has quite obviously gone mad when jokes can't even be taken out of the real world and treat simply as their purpose. The term 'joke' insinuates the fact that there is no seriousness implied or overwhelming complications intended post-utterance. As Billy Connolly once said in times when even mentioning the word 'penis' on stage was frowned upon - ''No matter how excruciating, if it makes at least one person laugh, it's a joke.'' Can you really deny gags that solitary right of freedom?

So now that I've stated where I stand regarding comedy, I can now go into detail about the types of jokes that in my view are the most successful - starting with Tim Vine. Vine's stance on joke telling is revolutionary, yet simultaneously extremely old fashioned. But that's how I like it. He crams copious amounts of one-liners into his shows, never once failing to rouse at least hundreds of laughs per joke. The brain power needed to reel of these puns is, I'll admit minimal, but it's the way he does it that gives me laughing fits for minutes on end. Consecutive killer blows of hilarity which seem never ending and incredibly childish. These are the sort of jokes that anyone can tell, but will stay alive forever.

Butcher: If you can get those two pieces of meat down from the hooks above me you can have them for free.

Man: No

Butcher: Why?

Man: The steaks are too high.

They're almost so bad they're good.

The other type of joke that hits my funny bone is the 'long winded seemingly never ending please get to the punchline soon' one. There are so many examples of these gems and whatever the punchline, in my view they always seem to be hilarious. Leading the viewer down a path of mystery is the epitome of modern comedy because of the overwhelming anticipation generated. Billy Connolly, who I referenced earlier is undoubtedly my most favourite comedian. His ability to make these sorts of gags work so effectively is why I hold him in such high regard. That entwined with the long winded joke concept makes for comedy gold, which I will try to re-create here.

A couple lay in bed, all nice and warm and not not expecting any disturbances. Thunder crashes outside as the rain clatters against the roof. In the safety of their own home, this doesn't bother them. Suddenly there is a hard and repetitive knock at the door. 'BOOM BOOM BOOM!'

'Who the hell is that? I'm not answering it. I'll leave it and they'll go away soon,' the husband exclaims.

The knocking continues. After more continuous knocking the wife manages to get her husband to see to the person at the door. He goes downstairs and opens the door to be confronted by a man dripping wet at his doorstep.

'I need help, I'm stuck and I need a push. It's an emergency,' the unknown man pleads.

The husband shouts at the man for waking him at such a stupid hour, tells him to f*** off and slams the door. After getting back into bed, the husband is asked by his wife who it was at the door. After he has explained, the wife looks at her husband in shock and disgust.

'Last year we broke down and that kind gentleman helped us by giving our car a push in dreadful conditions like these. The least you can do is be an honourable citizen and re-pay the favour by helping that man outside with his car,' the wife preaches.

The husband then gets out of bed, gets dressed, puts his boots on and heads outside. The man that was once there at the doorstep seems to have disappeared.

'Where are you?' Shouts the husband.

A voice of the man can be made out in the distance.

'I'm over here, on the swing!'

Pure gold. And don't try and deny that you didn't laugh.

Comedy is also effective when relating to the audience. Comedic routines are engaging and hilarious when on reflection you think; 'I do that', 'I know someone who says that' or 'that's happened to me before.' Peter Kay is the undisputed master of this type of humour and emphasises this comedic method with gags such as 'cheesecake' and 'the big light.' In my view, nobody comes close to Kay in this regard, but I'd still have to say that Billy Connolly's story telling is second to none. And for that reason, Connolly hits the spot every time.

3D Movies and Television - What's the big hype?

2011-01-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

If someone asked me a few years ago if 3D was ever going to catch on I'd have probably said no. As far as development of the technology went in my eyes, the concept wasn't going to become any more advanced in the long run, it would just keep up with the times. And for the most part, here today in 2011, it has done exactly that. Okay, it might be a little more advanced that the days of watching post-converted 3D films at the cinema with those horrendous red and blue lensed glasses, but can you really say the actual concept has been progressed so that we are receiving something new and ingenious?

As far as the film industry goes, 3D is primarily there as a means of making extra revenue per film. So in that sense, there is a perfectly viable reason for film makers to take this opportunity with both hands. A good example of this was with the 2010 adventure movie - Clash of the Titans. The whole product was filmed entirely for standard 2D release, shortly before the '3D revolution' had really kick started. Somewhere along the line in post production, the film makers must have caught on to something. 'If we convert our film into three dimensions, we'll double our winnings at the box office!' Why? Because they'd get more viewers through the 'but it's in 3D' advertising technique and ultimately, ticket prices would have to rise (so that viewers can cover the cost of those hideous glasses). Having not actually watched it first hand, I'd have to rely on reviews (and the overwhelming majority) to determine whether the release was a hit with the public... or not. All sources led to one conclusion, the film makers were taking advantage of fans by offering a second rate post-converted headache of a movie. And that's what all 3D technology is about. Getting more cash off us - the paying public!

Toy Story 3. A terrific movie and another asset to Pixar's long line of dazzling masterpieces. After around fifteen minutes I lost the connection with the 3D side of the production and didn't particularly recognise the fact that the film was (apparently) jumping out of the screen. I could have quite easily paid one or two pounds less to watch the exact same movie as a two dimensional product. Waste of time and money? For us, but not for them. Disney must have been raking in the extra cash. 3D has not only conquered the film industry, television is now feeling the full force of the media hammer. Just as High Definition television is becoming popular, a new contender arrives on the scene. And the industry knows all too well that the public want the newest and most up-to-date pieces of kit on the market. That's why manufacturers can put a £1000+ price tag on any new television, which bears all of the same features as your old one, apart from the fact that it requires you to sit in front of it wearing silly glasses. Soon enough, 3D will seem pretty boring and out-dated to most. About the way I feel regarding it now.

But even when you choose not to watch these films in the 3D form, the movie producers will hit you with the line: 'It's made for 3D, don't watch in 2D because it will ruin the experience.' And that makes me ponder the fact why they release a standard version anyway. It's because of the difference in price. But by this time the audience are going to pay for the most expensive ticket so that they can enjoy the best experience, simply due to them being pressured into it. This is exactly the way I felt about the statement Michael Bay released (regarding my point on being pressured) in his upcoming flick - Transformers: Dark of the Moon. He filmed a lot of this product using 3D cameras, so the point movie makers raised was a fair one when taking into account a high end budget film such as Transformers. I'm definitely going to pay more so that I get the best possible experience out of this film because I enjoyed the first two movies. But not for the 3D... for the peace of mind.