The World of BEEBZ

Uber....Modern Day Meditation Technique

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 01:26:00 +0000

You know you are a crazy ass white guy when you are getting aggravated and your coping mechanism is to watch the Uber cars move around on the map. Yep, pretty much sums up how I meditate in a tense situation. Pretty much only a solution for the first world..... #firstworldsolutions

Flyers Beware.....the Bloodclotters

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 01:13:00 +0000

When flying most people dread sitting next to the "clydesdale" crowd (overweight). I on other hand am absoultely, postiveily, terrified, petrified of what I like to call the "clotters." Typically, these are the people you look at and say, "Aren't they amazing getting around at this age. I want to be like them when I"m older." They have their nice flying clothes on and typically are reading a book.

I on the other hand say, "Oh shit, these are clotters." What I mean is these will be the folks that when we just barely left the ground on take off or hit a really rough patch decide they need to stand because of their clots. Now they can hardly stand up in the terminal when it's perfectly calm but they think it's absolutely necessary to do this when the plane is like a ping pong in the air. NOT! COOL! They then decide to sit down once the plane feels like it's not even moving....

All I have to say is beware of the clotter.

P.S. I am not an ageist I just think you should sit down when a plane is bouncing....

Blake = Best! Judge! Ever!

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 02:11:00 +0000

Reasons why Blake is the best coach on The Voice:

He fully admits to having an alcoholic drink in a Starbuck's cup. Pretty sure everyone who has a job thinks, "Why couldn't I be like Blake and spike my Starbuck's at the office?"
When most of us try to give a compliment while being semi-drunk it typically comes off as offensive. Blake on the other hand gives great compliments and gets people to join his team.
Refer to bullets 2 and 3.

#TeamBlake

Manscaping Hints Gone Wrong

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 01:02:00 +0000

I really think there are easier ways for this Mom to tell someone in her town that he should probably manscape.......

Dating Predictions for Kris and Bruce.....

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 00:52:00 +0000

Here are my predictions for Season 10 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. As the entire world has predicted Kris is going black and is definitely going to hit it with Drake. I already see some of the episode titles "Kris to Get Vag Rejuventation for Drake, Daughters are Jealous."

Bruce is going to dip his toe into another pond. I say he is going to date RuPaul. Picture it now their media name will be BRUP. The nice part is he will not even need a wig if they decide he is going to be the lady.....why do I see Khloe fully embracing BRUP and telling Kris to go F off.

As a side note I find it fascinating that Kris' hair is more masculine at times than Bruces...just a side note!

Auditioning for the Voice!

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 00:59:00 +0000

As I sit here and I watch the Voice I say to myself, "BBZ....why don't you audition?" Most people would start with the response, "I can't sing."

My response, "I have no dramatic background story." Here's the deal, everyone on this show has some emotional story..."My XYZ died....I couldn't speak English....I had to raise my family.......blah blah blah....I found solace in music." What would I say, "I got hemorrhoids and it caused extraordinary pain at which point I found solace in singing I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston." Seriously I feel like they are discriminating against those of us who don't have the sap story....

Cruising....never a good idea!

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 00:50:00 +0000

While there is many reasons not to go on a cruise I typically answer with three words, "Costa Concordia.....Buffets." Both to me are disasters...you are either going to end up on the bottom of the ocean floor or sitting on a toilet for days on a floating port potty! NO BIEN! I now have a picture to explain why I would never go on a cruise. The below is an actual picture of a cruise ship de-boarding yesterday....evidence #1 and evidence #2 on why cruising is a bad idea. Picture being stranded at sea with these two or worst yet...waking up after a nice nap by the pool and these two are in thongs next to you!

What do the White House and Sharting have in Common...Al Roker!

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 01:59:00 +0000

Now there are plenty of memorable interviews that have happened over the last decade but I would say Al Roker's interview on Dateline may take the cake as one of the best. Reasons why this conversation will go down in history as one of the best.

Grown man admits to sharting - the act of farting but then shitting your pants
Grown man admits to sharting in the WHITE HOUSE
Grown man admits to sharting in the WHTIE HOUSE then going COMMANDO (no underwear) in the WHITE HOUSE

I honestly can't think of a more memorable interview....below is a quick recap of the actual dialogue.

"When you have a bypass and your bowels [have] been reconstructed, you think you're pretty safe," Roker told Dateline's Nancy Snyderman .

"And I probably went off and ate something I wasn't supposed to. And as I'm walking to the press room … I gotta pass a little gas here. I'm walking by myself. Who's gonna know? Only a little something extra came out," the news anchor explains.

"You pooped in your pants," Snyderman says.

"I pooped my pants. Not horribly, but enough that I knew," Roker answers.

You Know You Suck When....

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 01:26:00 +0000

UGHHHH....she is definitely like genital warts...she just NEVER goes AWAY!!!! In her latest attempt to be relevant to the world she is now trying to sue MTV for defamation..HILARIOUS! She wanted Gloria Alfred to represent her and got shot down. You clearly know you suck when Gloria turns your sorry ass down. #trash

Downer Douche Dad of the Decade

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 01:11:00 +0000

If you thought Kelsey Grammer was an idiot for cheating on his bombshell of a wife, Camille Grammer with the airline stewardship it just got worse. Yes in fact he can prove he is even more stupid with his parenting schools. Where in the hell is protective services with this douche bag dad!?!?! First, he brings his child to a Playboy Mansion.....I'm not sure if Mom would even approve me going to a Playboy Mansion Party at 29! Not having a sitter does not constitute a reason to go to the Mansion party....it means stay home. TODAY we now learn the happy couple decided take a ride with their infant in the stewardesses arms...no car seat. I think this definitely constitutes Downer Douche Dad of the Decade. (Please note I still think Pops Lohan is still the worst of the century)

Marching Band Shit Talkers

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 01:02:00 +0000

As a former marching band (high school) person and current college football lover I find it necessary to comment on the all essential college marching band shit talker. Watching football every Sunday I love when the camera crew scans the marching band and there is the 130lb white kid who is talking shit to the football team. It cracks me up that the kid weighs maybe 130 when wet and wearing a hat with a feather plum and he is talking shit to a group of guys who could destroy him. #SaturdayAmericana

Stating the Obvious...Taylor Swift Style

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 02:31:00 +0000

In this week's Parade magazine Taylor Swift commented that she doesn't get over break up fasts. NO SHIT! Clearly she doesn't get it over fast when she has time to write a song, produce a song and then market it all about that one break up. You can always tell the news industry doesn't have a lot to report on when they state the obvious. I mean this is like writing a news article that announces that Washington D.C. is the capital of the United States.

Lohan and Sheen

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 02:27:00 +0000

I read on TMZ.com that Charlie Sheen paid Lindsay Lohan's $100K tax bill. Supposedly they became friends while filming Scary Movie 5. The first thought that came to my mind was MATCH! MADE! IN! HEAVEN! Can you imagine what would happen if these two got married and then had offspring. KRAZY with a K!!!! I think it would be awesome....they could get married at Passages and then film the next Passages commercial. BRILLIANT!

Black Friday Shopper Classification

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Sat, 24 Nov 2012 13:43:00 +0000

Yesterday, I told my self I would give the Black Friday shopping experience a try. While I know God did not bless me with the gift of patience I thought I would be able to handle it. Well I was 100% incorrect, within 5 minutes of stepping into the mall I wanted to punch myself in the face and throw a couple hundred people in the mall fountain. During my anger raged fill run to the nearest exit I noticed there were several types of shoppers in the mall. I have classified Black Friday shoppers into several groups:

Group #1 "The Crazies" - This is the group we see on the news all the time. They have done everything imaginable to save $20 on that 10" LCD flat screen at Walmart. They have parked their ass on the sidewalk 48 hours beforehand, skipped Thanksgiving dinner and possibly have worn Depends just to get that awful 10" TV. They are relentless and they will trample anyone in their way to get a deal.

Group #2 "Family Bonders" - The Family Bonders get their t-shirts and matching outfits several weeks before Black Friday and strategically plan which stores they will hit up right after they clean all the dishes from Thanksgiving dinner. Take note...they make look innocence in matching clothes but just remember they are a gang and turn violent in numbers.

Group #4 "Pain in the Ass" - The "Pain in the Ass" Group are the people who are completely helpless and can't do anything for themselves so they waste every store associates time looking for something that is typically right in front of their face. For some reason they think they are the only people in the store and will be relentless to have a personal shopper in a mass or department store.

Group #5 "Dads" - No Black Friday Blog would be complete without a photo of the most miserable group of all "Dads." These men are doing their most horrible role of the year....watching the kids while the Moms are filing through the stores looking for the most popular toys of the year. These Dads hate the mall on a normal day and hate it even more on Black Friday

One Hell of An Exit

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 05:19:00 +0000

These two news anchors sure now how to make an exit....right on camera rolling live. Now that my friends take some major balls....

Movember...

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 03:27:00 +0000

As I'

Ron Jeremy - Porn Star

As I'm sure everyone knows it is Movember which is a great philanthropic event to raise funds for men's health causes like prostrate cancer. It's really an amazing cause and I suggest everyone to checkout the website and donate.... http://us.movember.com/?home

So let's get down to the other reason why I love this philanthropic cause....the mustache. I think it's great that there is an event that ENCOURAGES men to grow a mustache that typically turns out looking like a "pornstache". Men are horny bastards...it's the reality of the world. In addition, most men think they are sexual beasts like a porn star so this cause really allows them to embrace their inner porn star with a pornstache. Their girl friends or wives can't even complain about the inner porn star release because it's raising money for a great cause. Now if that isn't a win win for all males on the planet.

Rich Housewives Drink...SHOCKER!

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 20:25:00 +0000

If Kathie Lee and Hoda boozing it up at 10am in the morning and the Real Housewives sippin the sauce non-stop isn't enough confirmation that rich women love to booze I don't know what is! Don't you fret as I have more proof! Our very own CDC published a report "Calories Consumed from Alcoholic Beverages by US Adults, 2007-2010". If you look below you can see those women >350% above the poverty level consume more calories from alcohol than any other female group. I guess the people at NBC and Bravo know their target audience...SCORE or should I say SIPPIN!

Gym Faux Pas

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Wed, 21 Nov 2012 02:50:00 +0000

I have been a member of multiple of gyms and have visited multiple fitness centers across the country while traveling for work and have come up with a few general gym faux pas. While the below may be judgmental (which it is) I really am trying to help people....as I say "let me help you...sharing is caring including advice."

MUFFIN TOPS - Do your fellow gym members a favor and cover that shit up.....just because you want to burn it off doesn't mean you need to show it off.

ZUBAZ - Whitney is dead, MC Hammer is Bankrupt and Dan Marino is no longer playing in the NFL...it's time to pack those frickin Zubaz up and put them int he attic. If you are still wearing these at the gym chances are your glory days of hitting the heavy weights are long gone.

DEVICE CLIPS - Unless you are the President of the United States or you will be performing heart surgery during your sets I do not want to see a plethora of device clips. It's just completely unnecessary and the majority of us need to realize we are not that important...

Arguing over an STD

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 01:33:00 +0000

Last week TMZ.com reported that the Today Show and Good Morning America were in a broadcast war over our favorite train wreck, Lindsay Lohan. If you ask me this is like two guys arguing over who is going to sleep with a hooker that has a card that states, "I have crabs."

Tube Socks

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 01:23:00 +0000

I can't imagine there will be another piece of clothing that has survived several generations and is worn by such a diverse crowd like the good ole tube sock. Now typically when you hear the word tube sock I'm sure you think of the infamous American Pie scene where the guy is spankin the monkey into a sock. Well beyond that usage occasion it is shocking the diversity of people who where this article of clothing....let me break it down:

Old Men (70+) - As shown in the top photo these old guys really rock the tube sock all the way up the leg. I can't figure out if it is because it provides coverage from the sun or helps with circulation. Either way they wear those puppies proud.
Workout Skanks - If you go to your gym there is bound to be the hooker who is wearing a sports bra, some short shorts that barely cover her crotch and then the tube sock with two pink bands at the top. Yep you know that broad told herself she was going to wear those socks to attract the rich old guys when in reality it's like wearing a badge that says "SLUT SACK."
Athletes - It wouldn't be a call out to tube socks without a call out to the good old fashion athlete. They rock these for their true use....athletics. Magic Johnson really put the tube sock on the map with athletes and it's still going strong.

2012 Worst Product Name of the Year

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 00:17:00 +0000

While I know manufacturers put a lot of effort into market research to create and develop new products and the actual name this is an EPIC fail. Who in the hell named a tampon Radiant....no one and I mean no one wants a "radiating" vagina. If there is any sort of "radiant" down there you bust be hustling on over to your gyno because that shit has got infected.

False Hopes...Waist Watchers

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 03:26:00 +0000

I don't like to judge....NOT...who in the hell am I kidding....but I would imagine the person who is purchasing a "Waist Watcher" product is probably also the person who most likely has a muffin top hanging over their Wranglers or Levis. Here is probably the conversation "Matilda Muffin Top" had with herself while riding her scooter around the local Wally world...

"SELF...I really need to lose some pounds because I can't be riding around in this cart every time I come to Walmart" - said while rolling down the snacks/soda aisle
"SELF....I'm thirsty and I best not be drinking no regular colas"
"OH HOT DAM THERE IS A JESUS....Waist Watchers....surely I will look like Heidi Klum if I only drink this."
"OHHHH EVEN BETTER......it tastes like Chocolate Fudge and we'z all know I love my fudge."

And let's also not overlook the stellar price of $1.39...

Pokin Around....

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 02:08:00 +0000

This f-ed up situation between Petraeus and his mistress really brings the term "poking around" to a whole different level doesn't it......I think the CIA should stick with pokin the ole terrorists and not the biographer....thanks and have a great day!

Life Advice for When You are 65+

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 01:27:00 +0000

After visiting Naples, FL this weekend there were a few things that I wanted to make sure I captured somewhere in a permanent nature for when I reach the 65+ age range....these simple rules will go a long way some day.....they are as follows:

Fanny Packs - They weren't cool in 1980 and they aren't cool now and they will never be cool...stick with a backpack!
Socks w/Sandals - A picture says a thousand words I will stop at that point....
Strapless Bikinis on Women - If you are old enough to collect social security you should not be wearing strapless anything....shit sags!
Don't Trust a Fart - As you age your body starts to lose control what you think is just air could in fact be a shit....it's better to pop a safety squat in the closest restroom.....haste makes waste...literally!

Key Learning in Life

noreply@blogger.com (BEEBZ) — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 00:27:00 +0000

If you ever show up to an outdoor event and more people than not are wearing hiking boots and socks with shorts when it's hot....LEAVE!!! It's a sure sign of not being fun!