The Writing Therapist

Disabilities for Life

2018-06-10T12:51:00.000-04:00

My health is declining faster as I approach 50. Here goes my list of symptoms experienced daily: because of Cerebral Palsy (C.P.) my feet roll out while my toes turn in so walking is becoming increasingly difficult. I fall much more frequently. There's no doubt a walker is in my future. Endurance becomes painful due to asthma and constant pressure around my chest. It all makes sense since the abuse my body has suffered from the C.P. brain damage. Adding up my lungs degenerating, menopausal hot flashes and PTSD anxiety attacks, merely walking does me in.
Daily, I have at least one Crohn's attack where it happens so fast, I fail to reach a toilet in time. There are days when I lose my balance trying to get to my toilet, and run into a wall. I am covered in bruises, aching constantly from falling. My muscles tighten, shake and spasm randomly generating loss of body control, dumping coffee, difficulty with penmanship, and restricting coordination needed to type.
My fortitude limits everything I do, including thought processes and tasks requiring executive functioning. The way aging is tearing down my abilities leads me in a state of depression. Since I live independently, I worry about my near future, and my anxiety soars.
I don't know what is going to happen. Physically and mentally, I am fading. It's reminding me now is the time to accomplish all I want to do. Mainly, leaving a legacy.

Suicide Ends and Continues

2018-06-08T08:56:00.000-04:00

The Senator Responded to my Medicare Story!

2018-05-22T19:54:00.001-04:00

A few days ago, I was on the news complaining my SSDI is being cut because the State of Florida refused to cover Medical Premiums. Today, the Senator responded.

News Link

Social Security Mistake Brings Peace

2018-05-21T15:42:00.001-04:00

Going on the third week after receiving the Social Security letter informing me not only would my SSDI be cutting my monthly income by nearly 25%, my June check will barely cover my rent since they are taking out the total overpayments in one check.

To say I have been petrified is an understatement. I am alone meaning I have no relatives to help me. In fact, I have 6 major disabilities where I struggle with and daily living activities are challenging. The older I get, the less control I have over my body. Fortunately, I have been independent for my entire adult life, but my body is declining. Since I fall approximately twice per week, I have a Service Dog named, Jireh, meaning "the Lord will Provide". Jireh has been with me over 7 years and is truly my best friend. She goes everywhere with me, and is my life companion. With this cut in my check, I can't afford to keep Jireh. I will barely receive enough money to pay rent and electricity.

So I made plans to send Jireh to a good friend who has money to take care of her as she deserves. As for me, I planned to lay in bed for the rest of my life.

There is one caveat- I dedicated my life to Jesus on May, 15, 1983. My life is not my life... I gave my life to Jesus, meaning I strive to follow Him and glorify God with my life.

This means I can't wave the white flag and give up. Period. No exceptions.

Fortunately, some extraordinary friends have stepped up and agreed to help me cover June's bills. Also, I have a few credentials, such as being a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, a Biblical scholar and a published author of several books and numerous technical papers.

This morning, my infinite number of calls and emails resulted in a Social Security Supervisor calling me to set up a court hearing. An hour later, I understood Social Security made a mistake 3 months ago in increasing my income. Since then, my rent has increased by $70. It's a mess.

Bottom line - After hearing the lady trying every resource to help me (all of which I have contacted to no avail), a sense of resolution washed over me. I interrupted her and said, "Ma'am...I hear you trying everything to help me, and I am so thankful for that. An honest mistake was made. I am not eligible for the income I have been receiving."... she replied, "I am so sorry... I am trying everything to help you..." I stopped her by continuing, "Ma'am, you have helped me mentally. You have explained the situation and tried everything you could. Thank you. I am going to be fine. I have a strong faith in God, and He has taken care of me my entire life. God has this," and I thanked her again, wishing her a great day.

Some people will think that is giving up. But no... for me, I got the chance to glorify God. And with my time and talents, I will earn extra money freelance writing about how amazing God is. After all, that is why I was created.

You Forget Who I Am- link

2018-05-20T08:11:00.000-04:00

Posted on new blog. Please check it out here.

You Forget Who I Am https://christianbohemian.blog/2018/05/20/you-forget-who-i-am/

Here's My Story

2018-05-18T20:27:00.001-04:00

Click here for story.

News Interview on my Social Security Cut

2018-05-18T09:12:00.003-04:00

Since I cannot live off the updated amount of my Disability check, I contacted news media. Here is a video I took with my phone. I apologize for the low volume and poor quality. If I can get a clip from the station, I will post.

My appeal was denied. I am scared because none of my relatives support me, and my sweet friends cannot help me on a regular basis.

I know God has me. Yet, I am very scared. This isn't how I imagined my life. I have been hugging my pillow, laying in a ball and crying. I am petrified.

Laying in a ball doesn't help change my situation, so I am trying to immerse myself in writing.

There is no option to appeal again. This isn't about Disability Determination. I have emailed the reporter asking who I have can contact at the Capital.

To be continued.

Preparing for Cuts in Social Security

2018-05-15T11:09:00.000-04:00

Thankfully, my friends are coming to my aide and helping me survive the Social Security cut in my check for June. There have been a few people who have told me they are facing the same problem- the State will no longer cover Medicare Part B, and they are deducting previous Medicare payments from their June checks. I have a feeling this is about to happen to many people and they are not preparing because they didn't read the letter from Social Security. By the grace of God, I had notification this was happening, so I submitted my appeal and have friends who are helping me pay June's bills.

I have times of severe anxiety, where I lay on the floor, clutching a pillow, not knowing what is going to happen to me. I am writing like a maniac, several projects, so I can generate income through writing. Thankfully, I have time to write in the comfort of my own home before I am homeless. All I can do is take one hour at a time.

Of course, there are people telling me if I get a job, this wouldn't be an issue. I sent him this video and comment:

I have 3 graduate degrees and had a mental breakdown. Now, my mental health issues keep me homebound. I am glad you are able to work. Please don't discount those of us who want to work, yet are medically unable to do so. And, yes, I know Nick. Please don't compare people with disabilities. We are all different.

Taking Control

2018-05-14T10:52:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I filled out my Appeal letter regarding my cut in my Disability Check. Trying to stay calm and not panic as this could turn my world upside down.

Social Security News picked up my blog entry on losing 25% of my SSDI and retweeted it. I finished my appeal and added the following (below). Thank you to everyone offering to help me. I fell yesterday and landed on my back, am now in pain, yet am writing all I can to use this time to find writing income before it's too late.

I filled this out the best I could. The change in not having my Medicare covered will leave me homeless without family. I was only able to renew my apartment lease (which increased approx. $70) because I was eligible for State paid Medicare. When the State pays, I earn too much, but when I have to pay, I cannot even afford rent and electric. My service dog helps me walk and I won't be able to afford to keep her. I truly will be alone on the streets. And it costs $1,500 to break lease. HELP

The photo are my kids on Mother's Day.

American Care Act Destroys Life's

2018-05-13T08:24:00.001-04:00

Friends, we can't afford to ignore political issues anymore. The changes with the Affordable Care Act is affecting me. Since you know me, it is impacting YOU! The change in the law could take me from the happiest time of my life to losing EVERYTHING, and being on the streets. No exaggeration. Fortunately, I have the intelligence to appeal the decision while thousands have no background in disability issues. Also, I have generous friends who are helping me with June's bills, when the government is taking out 25% of my SSDI. By then, hopefully I will win my appeal. If I don't, I can stay in my home with little air conditioning, going to food banks, and investing all my time to freelance writing (I am already doing the latter.) I will be one of the lucky ones. We MUST vote, advocate, and educate on behalf of people with disabilities.

Thankful for my Friends

2018-05-12T10:46:00.001-04:00

See video... Thankful for my Friends https://youtu.be/Kflr3Hq1BLY

God is Never Changing

2018-05-11T16:47:00.000-04:00

I found out my SSDI has been cut by $400 due to the changes in the Affordable Care Act. I have no family and cannot live on this decreased wage. While I'm filing an appeal, the decision can take up to 45 days to finalize. I cannot survive on this wage, yet if I can pay June's bills, I have time to find a freelance writing job. I am humbly asking, if you can help me at all, even $10, please PayPal me at Shellyfsu@gmail.com. Please. I will give all glory to God.

Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day weighed down by depression and severe anxiety. Disbelief, numbness, helplessness, and fear overwhelms me. I know God Is in control. But when I try fixing things myself, I drive myself crazy. I can't breathe. I can't function. I become worthless. Staying curled up in a ball isn't the answer. Nothing gets solved. And I am neglecting life's mission of glorifying God. Sadly, the opposite happens. I have to stop, breathe, and put things into perspective. The last book I read, “She Reads Truth” prepared me greatly for this season of life. Authors Rachel Meyers and Amanda Bible Williams write how God is our only constant. The world is ever changing.

As I experienced first-hand last week, our lives can be turned upside down at any moment. We ultimately have no security on this earth. God and His Word are our only constant – yesterday, today and tomorrow.

The authors cite verses that should (and often do) calm the chaotic turmoil in my heart, with God's promises including:
“My peace I give you” – John 14:27
“You will be My people, and I will be your God” – Jeremiah 30:22
“The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God remains forever” – Isaiah 40:8
“Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away" Matthew 24:35.
And the verses go on and on. The bad news is we can only fully rely on God and His Word. The good news is that is all we need.

My dear friend shared this video with me, reminding me how strong Our Lord is, and how foolish I am not to trust Him with details of my life. Here is the link - Comforting Video

One Step Before the Other

2018-05-08T13:40:00.000-04:00

Didn't want to get out of bed as depression has fully materialized. All of my mental illnesses have taken up residence, along with Crohn's Disease. It hurts to live. Reality is sinking in. Before turning to Jesus, the world took over my thought process. Catastrophic “what if’s” swooping in. I can't do this.

Seeking comfort from friends by reading Facebook status updates only made things worse. For example, I checked on a friend who's facing the anniversary of her mother's death… oh, she's fine… she's counting down to a luxurious vacation. So many negative thoughts revolve around my mind, I decide to take Jireh for a walk before starting my day.

Remembering God challenges me to bring my grievances to Him as He says in Isaiah 1:18, “Come, let us reason together…” I start by complaining about my financial situation, and feel God remind me, Shelly, why are you doubting me? Don't you remember all the times I took care of you by paying off your car, taking care of your student loans, moving you into a nice apartment when you had nothing and was living out of your car… what about when you quit your counseling job due to having a mental breakdown? How quickly you forget! Trust me, My child. As far as you judging your friend’s trip while mourning her mother's death, aren't you being hypocritical as you get angry when people don't understand why you have unexplainable peace when going through major trials? And about your bitterness that you cannot afford luxurious vacations… I have commanded you to set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:18. Instead of focusing on temporary things, I want you to finish the work I for which I created you. As I have said in Colossians 3:23,24 – “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”.

Of course, He was right, as always. I watched Jireh spying on squirrels in the magnificent Tallahassee trees, noting God also provided the means for me to relocate to my favorite city. Admiring my neighborhood walk, I thanked God for my home, then for Jireh being happy and healthy. Now you know why I didn't allow you to get a new puppy… you would have had to give him up.

He continued by bringing numerous situations to mind, changing my ungrateful, bratty attitude to showing me tangible ways He is in control. Trust me, Shelly. You are ready for the next step. Now is the time to put into practice all I have taught you.

I realized I have spent so many years talking and planning how to use God's gifts to me, I haven't followed through until completion. Now is the time. Face it, I don’t have much more time on this earth. I want my life to count.

Holding On

2018-05-07T16:34:00.001-04:00

Woke up to resume fight to get Social Security amount back. Found At&t had double charged my account, leaving me with a negative balance again. I am numb. Apathetic. I don't care.

8:17 a.m. Basically whatever energy I have within is being spent trying not to go insane. Don't think I have the strength . Functioning on God's power inside me. Have fallen past the state of depression. Think God is protecting me with this apathy. Yesterday, I was ready to fight. Now that office hours are open, I've made phone calls, only to find things worsening. I know God has this, and God has me,

10:03 a.m. Crohn's Disease is officially on attack mode. My health conditions seem to gather together... having a reunion inside me. Taking over my mind, body... but never my soul.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. - 2 Corinthians 4:16

Nothing can touch my soul. Once I accepted Jesus as Savior in 8th grade, God sent His Spirit into my heart.

3:30 p.m. The fog lingers... My external situation is worsening, I watch the clock move, anxious because I know Cathy will stop Facetiming me when she gets off work at 5pm. We haven't talked much, yet having her "with me" is what keeps me from hiding in bed. My Agoraphobia, P.T.S.D. and severe anxiety have all showed up. I am okay with Cathy online with me... but what's going to happen when she has to go take care of her family?

I will read my Bible and write for the rest of the night. I will be easy on myself as I felt God leading me to redefine my ministry today based on Paul's ministry in 2 Corinthians 3 and 4. That is not much, but it's progress. Between discovering a new ministry and making necessary phone calls, I have accomplished a lot considering my entire life is in a state of uncertainty. The details will be soon forgotten, but my reaction will remain. I have faith. I trust God. I am taking this one hour at a time, wanting nothing more than to glorify God.

Why I Cannot Talk to Relatives

2018-05-06T14:52:00.001-04:00

Ever wonder how I take care of myself on my own? I rely on God and a couple close Christian friends. This video shows the PERFECT example why... in real time.

People who do not understand my relationship with God do not realize He takes care of me. He has me.

I do not understand how people stay sane without a relationship with Him.

Click here:
https://youtu.be/ntRl4IiNGFA

Social Security Threatens to Take Away My Independence

2018-05-05T08:49:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I received notification that my next SSDI check will be $400 less than what I have been receiving. I panicked. I acted. I kept friends updated with the following messages:

- Please pray for me. I just got a letter from Social Security saying they are cutting $400 out of my monthly check. God will work it out.

- Don't know why. At Social Security office. They close at 4 and long line ahead of me. I am scared. I trust God. This is all in His hands. I'm scared He doesn't want me living on my own. I cannot survive on $1,000 per month.

- Having chest pain

- I don't know what to do. They close in 13 minutes. Gonna be a LONG weekend.

- Singing that song in my head, "God help me to breathe, help me to do whatever you would ask of me... God help me."

- After waiting 2 hours at the Social Security office, They can't help. I have to call the State.

- After being on hold with the State, they told me I had to call Social Security. On hold, they said my wait time is one hour.

- Just talked to Apartment office. They cannot lower my lease. It will cost my $1500 to break my lease, and I have nowhere to go.

- Social Security just told me I need to call Social Services. Since it is 6pm, they are closed and I have to wait until Monday.

A friend took me out so I could process (and have a couple drinks). Came home, fell asleep, and woke up hoping it was a nightmare.

It is real. And I am at peace. I sent the following to my friend:

Good Morning. I am about to have my quiet time, and wanted to check in real quick. I am fine. I don't know how this financial mess will all work out, but God does. This is propelling me to find freelance writing jobs online. I fell again this morning so I know I can't work outside the home. I have my air off and am ordering a fan from Amazon to save on my electricity (may order 2- one for Addy and one for me and Jireh because of my asthma). It's all gonna work out. I know you are praying and I will call you later. God has us both in the Palm of His hand. Thy will be done. Have a good morning.

It's time to put my faith into action. When life is going good, it's easy to trust God. I see this as a challenge to put my faith into action, and I am ready. There is nothing I want more than to glorify God with my life... and here is my chance.

Today's Blog

2018-05-03T15:37:00.001-04:00

Here it is...
christianbohemian.blog/2018/05/03/he-provides/

Bible Journaling

2018-04-29T10:45:00.001-04:00

Thought I'd share my Bible Journaling - how I respond to what God speaks to me through His Word. Romans 6 talks about when we accept Jesus as our personal Savior, His Spirit empowers us to fight sin, thus "we are no longer slaves to sin". We have the fruits of the Spirit to fight against what once mastered us. Therefore, we are FREE!!! God is on our side and helps us fight against evil.

Bible Journaling Example

2018-04-28T15:06:00.001-04:00

Thought I'd share my Bible Journaling - how I respond to what God speaks to me through His Word. Romans 6 talks about when we accept Jesus as our personal Savior, His Spirit empowers us to fight sin, thus "we are no longer slaves to sin". We have the fruits of the Spirit to fight against what once mastered us. Therefore, we are FREE!!! God is on our side and helps us fight against evil.

Major Clinical Depression

2018-04-13T16:07:00.001-04:00

Mid-Life Crisis

2018-04-07T11:42:00.001-04:00

And the transition into my authentic self continues. Liberating to discover who I have become… more emotional than I anticipated. Letting go of what no longer fits into my lifestyle. At times, I want to go back for the sake of comfort. There's a vast existential hole leading to loneliness. Pushing through the pain leads me to cry out to Jesus, making the hurts worth it. He remains the same. Never changing is The Rock I hold on to while the world continually changes.
I find it crucial to surround myself with people who inspire me to be who I was created to be, actively doing what I was created to do. Wanting to be like Jesus, I am spending quality time getting to know Him, sitting silently as I listen for His soft voice. And this guides me in my transition as my priority is letting go of ALL that is not of Him. Jesus is my compass as I follow the desires He places in my heart.

2 Corinthians 5:17 – “If anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation.”.

Good Company

2018-04-04T11:19:00.001-04:00

My Crohn’s Disease has me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Thankful I get to stay home and work. The car tire I waited until I got my SSDI to buy turned into hearing the $60 bill turned into $175, needing two tires. AND my other two tires are so old, the rubber can separate any time, thus I was instructed not to drive until I get 2 more tires. Yet, it is miraculous my tires did not blow out when driving 80 mph on my recent road trip. My AC needs coolant yet I am safe in my own place. There are a few other serious problems going on that appear catastrophic, needing urgent attention.

Depression and anxiety should be on full throttle. I admit, for a few hours, I was freaking out.

Then I went to Jesus in prayer. He showed me (again!) how perspective is everything. Enjoying God's presence instead of focusing on my current circumstances has me writing and studying Scripture has me at peace. I read my friend's blog about how she was having such a bad day, until she realized God is walking with her, showing His love, mercy and grace. She quotes several verses which turn her heart to focus on the eternal. Jessie at www.thehopefilledlife.blogspot.com is such encouragement to me as she finds joy even in the hard times because she has Jesus with her wherever she goes. She admits to her frustrations, yet like David writes in Psalms, her sorrow always turns to joy as she connects with Him. I love being around her because she overflows with the love and character of Jesus. It's so refreshing to be around her! My friend, Karen, is the same way. Karen and I have a contest over who has the most debilitating medical issues. She has serious hidden health conditions, yet she tells me she feels inadequate to write a book on faith because she doesn’t have significant problems. Um, yes she does but because she is indwelt by the Spirit of Jesus, she is so grateful to have His presence in her life.

I love hanging out with positive people, like Jesse and Karen, because they show me how irrelevant my problems are in the scheme of things. Most of all, I love spending entire days having quiet times with Jesus. I mean, come on! How can I be discouraged when I get to spend the day with my Savior?

Originally posted here
http://christianbohemian.blog/2018/04/04/good-company/

He is Risen!

2018-04-01T19:23:00.000-04:00

* not sure why this didn't post on Easter...

Such comfort knowing Jesus died for me. When I feel so unloved, such a burden to this world, wondering why i am here... no one understands my pain. But Jesus does. He is all I need.

https://christianbohemian.blog/2018/04/01/he-is-risen/

He is Risen!

2018-04-01T08:25:00.001-04:00

Such comfort knowing Jesus died for me. When I feel so unloved, such a burden to this world, wondering why i am here... no one understands my pain. But Jesus does. He is all I need.

https://christianbohemian.blog/2018/04/01/he-is-risen/

Silence - Poem

2018-03-25T18:01:00.001-04:00

Coming from a place of pain, all I can do is sleep. It hurts to be.
It hurts to write.
It hurts to know pain won't end tonight.
It hurts to talk.
It hurts to be still.
It hurts knowing relationships have changed against my will.
It hurts not saying the words
Letting them know I am through.
Having them wonder what went wrong is such an unfair thing to do.
Yet words left unsaid
Ultimately spares them more pain.
There's no reason to stay when I have no way to explain.
It hurts I'm a stranger
to the girl in the mirror.
And it hurts so intensely
merely being here.