The Writing Womb

60 Day Juice Fast Day 19; Food Cravings and 64 oz of Juice per day?!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 22:08:00 +0000

Hey Everyone,
Day 19 of a 60 day fast is going well...20.5 Lbs lost, 10 inches gone off of my waist and lots of energy!

I have been struggling with crazy food cravings over the last few days; especially for meat products which is weird because I have been a vegetarian for YEARS! Apparently, I am not drinking enough juice; when doing a juice fast of this duration, I have been advised that I should be drinking AT LEAST 64oz of juice. To me, that seems excessive as I have been doing fine on 20-32oz of juice per day. I will try increasing my juice intake as it is obvious from my cravings that my body is in desperate need of protein.

Has anyone else gone through this? Would love to hear your stories!

Till next time, happy juicing!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

60 Day Juice Fast Day 11; Top 5 Juice Recipes For A Fast!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:22:00 +0000

Hey guys,

Day 11 of 60 on the juice fast and as suspected, weight loss has come to a screeching halt...only 1/2 lb lost in the last 4 days. I am not bummed though because I feel great and am positively glowing...or maybe I am just starting to turn orange from all the Carrot Juice I have been drinking, who knows?

Check out the video below for lots of great information on the benefits of certain juices and why some vegetables/fruits are very important to incorporate on your fast.

Here is a run down of the recipes included in the video.

Pineapple & Cayenne (weight loss, amazing skin, anti-inflammatory, PMS cure)
Juice; 1/2 fresh pineapple (including the rind that has been washed very well).
1/8 tsp of Cayenne Pepper

Cantaloupe (anti-aging, vitamin C, amazing skin, totally YUMMY)
Juice; 1/2 fresh Cantaloupe (including the seeds and the rind that has been washed very well).
Hint; if this juice is too thick for you, add water.

Parsley & Carrot (most Energizing, vitamin A, Zinc, Iron, reduce Acne)
Juice; 4-5 Carrots (greens removed)
Lg handful of Parsley

Ginger, Carrot & Apple (tastes like candy, good for digestion & constipation)
Juice; 4-5 Carrots (greens removed)
1/2 Green Apple (or if you prefer sweeter, juice a whole Apple).
1 inch slice of Ginger Root (or slightly more for added Zing).
*You can also add 1 or 2 Beets to this juice for further detoxification of the Liver and added Iron.

Kale & Green Apple (vitamin B6 and Folic Acid = happy, strong bones, skin, hair)
Juice; 2 small Green Apples
1 or 2 Kale leafs
*if you would like something different, add some sparkling water to this for a treat.

Cucumber Water (soothes skin, cleans Kidneys)
Juice; 1/2 Cucumber (with skin)
Add to 1 litre of purified water and drink throughout the day.
(Note: this juice cools you down and makes you urinate frequently)

*For Added Calcium, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin E...Add a handful or two of Spinach to any of the above Juices. *

Till next time, happy juicing everyone!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

60 Day Juice Fast Day 8; Emotional Detox and Panic Attacks!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:59:00 +0000

Day 8 of my 60 day juice fast was pretty uneventful...mostly I slept a lot and thought about all the things I should be doing but chose not to do :o)

I weighed in today at 174 still 13.5 lbs lost so no change since Friday.

Last week was really tough emotionally, especially days 4, 5 & 6...those days bitch slapped me silly. I found it difficult to concentrate (I still do), I also had a lot of the feelings I have been supressing with food come up...things like depression, panic attacks, tension, worry, lack of self confidence, self consciousness, anger and irritation (boy I bet that makes you want to do a juice fast huh?). At the time, they were all really difficult to deal with (especially the panic attacks), but after reflection, I was grateful to have felt these things. These are all the underlying issues that I have been trying to ignore by consuming mass amounts of food...everything I didn't want to face. I am glad I am in a space where I have some time to go through the emotion, deal with it (without using food as a coping mechanism) and research tools that can help me in the future.

I guess last week has taught me that I have been covering up a lot of things with food and now is the time to really sort through it all and work through it all so that I can become a healthier thinking individual who can use healthier coping mechanisms in the future. For further info, please watch the video below.
Happy juicing everyone!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

60 Day Juice Fast Day 5; The Dangers Of Over Cleansing!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 10:44:00 +0000

Day 5 of my 60 day cleanse. I woke up feeling great and weighed in at 174lbs; 13.5 lbs lost in 5 days seems really too high! Oh well, I didn't feel hungry and I had a lot of energy when I woke up so I thought I would use it to cleanse even more. Arrrrr! Big mistake!

Don't be a dumbass like me and try to cleanse as much as possible, as quickly as possible. I almost landed in the hospital today. Nurture your body instead of forcing it into submission...lesson learned! I am now drinking more water to stay hydrated and trying to take it easy.

I find it difficult to want to drink lots of water and to want to drink 4 juices a day. I would rather just make and drink only two but clearly, that isn't giving me everything I need. So tomorrow I will increase juice intake. I am still on the juice fast, but mostly drank water today. Everything tastes too sweet, even the green drinks and my tongue is like sandpaper...anyone else have this issue while juicing? One website recommends to drink one whole head of celery per day to balance out the sodium levels and keep your tongue wet...so I will give that a go as well. For more details on how I over cleansed, check out the video below.
Till tomorrow, stay juicy :)

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

60 Day Juice Fast Day 4; Five Documentaries to inspire you into action!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 06:11:00 +0000

Day 4 of this 60 day juice fast has been challenging for me. I feel really lethargic today and just can't be bothered with much. So, I took this opportunity to watch some interesting and thought provoking documentaries about food, the environment and the marketing of drugs...oh happy day!

Food Inc. http://www.foodincmovie.com/ , was first on my list, I have been putting off seeing this film for a while now mostly because 6 years ago I watched that Documentary Earthlings which warped my fragile little mind and changed my life forever. I just couldn't look at food, animals or meat products the same again...it really fucked with my senses, so I have been hesitant to watch another movie similar to it.

Food Inc, was a very watered down version of Earthlings http://www.earthlings.com/ but it still provoked a very strong response within me, a need to change the way I operate in this world. I feel very strongly that when I come off of this juice cleanse that I will become a raw foodist or a vegan (which was never really an ambition of mine as I love The pizza pies waaay too much). This film also inspired me to want to learn how to grow my own vegetables and possibly buy some land so that I can be in control of the foods the I put into my body, so that I know where they came from and how they were grown. The only problem is, I have a black thumb and everything I try to grow, somehow dies. I even killed a cactus...who knows how these things happen? If you are looking for more awareness about the food that you are eating and all of the crazy assed shit that has been happening before it gets served onto your plate or put into your grocery store then, I highly recommend this film. If you prefer to stay in the dark and blissful in your ignorance, don't watch it...this film is Pandora's box, you can never unsee/unlearn what it teaches you.

I still feel that Earthlings was a far superior documentary and packs more of a punch. It scares you into action whereas Food Inc gently takes your hand, pats you on your head and thinks you into action. If you haven't watched Earthlings please do; most people I know can't get through half of it. Best to watch this one on an empty stomach.!

Food Matters was another Documentary I watched about how we can use whole plant foods to reset our bodies to be able to heal again. I loved this flick! It truly inspired me to want to continue to do what I am already doing. I felt it gave some good information and I didn't feel like the whole world was against me when I watched it. It was a gentle documentary that lubed me up before they shoved their view points up my ass and I would totally recommend Food Matters as it is a nice companion to help you on your jucing journey.

Forks Over Knives; was a boring version of Food Matters. Maybe it's just me though, watching 3 documentaries in a row about food can kind of take the wind out of your sails. Is it possible to overdose on Documentary Films? Probably! I am already getting the shakes while I write this. Everyone else says it is a great complimentary film to Food Inc, but to me, it fell flat. There were a few new tidbits in that movie that made me go 'hmmm' but nothing that hadn't already been covered in the first two I had watched.

Finally, I just watched the 3 hour documentary called The Marketing Of Madness. Holy fucking hell! I now don't think that anything anyone says holds any sort of weight and it never has!!! AHHHH I am in existential crisis mode!. Psychiatrists that push pills for drug companies that market the illness, to set up the need so they make Trillions of dollars?? Ughhh! My head is spinning and I almost cannot even put onto paper the level of yuckiness I feel right now. Is everything a lie? A marketing scheme? A way to extract money out of our pockets? Is there a grain of truth to ANYTHING in this world?
I would suggest everyone to watch this flick but only if you are in a good frame of mind, not already totally jaded about life and you don't tend to already have a lot of doubt,cynicism or anxiety. God help you if you get depressed while watching this one because you will find out that there really is no cure out there for you, it's just a marketing scam and sugar pills would help you more than the drugs they are selling you. Wow, that's cheery huh? You can watch this movie and many other documentaries for free here; http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/marketing-of-madness-are-we-all-insane/

The one that everyone is buzzing about is Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead . I watched this one last week and I must say, it helped inspire me to actually go through with this juice fast. I have been on the fence about doing it for almost 2 months now, but this movie pushed me over the edge and made me want to take control of my weight situation before it got to the point of the two main guys in that movie. Overall, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead was Ok. I would recommend this movie to someone who doesn't know much about nutrition or healthy living or just needs a motivational tool to get the ball rolling.

I found it inspiring to watch Joe Cross take back control of his life...I always did have a wet, soft spot for movies that show people taking back their power :o) I didn't find it overly compelling or interesting...actually, it felt a lot like a big marketing scheme for Breville Juicers which as you know from my first vlog entry, is a really shitty juicer that I have never ending issues with...don't buy one based on this movie!

I will post a video tomorrow on the 5 best Yoga Postures to help detoxify the body, today I am staying in bed and resting, trying to muster up the energy to make one more juice before sleepy time :o)
Happy juicing everyone!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

60 Day Juice Fast Day 3 - The Coffee Enema; How To Do One.

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 05:29:00 +0000

Yay, it's Coffee Enema Day! First some Stats;

Weighed in at 179 lbs today; that means 8.5 lbs lost in two days :o) Even though that is all water weight, it's still pretty amazing! I have had a constant annoying twitch in my right eye since the beginning of October that no matter what I did, never went away....I haven't felt that twitch in 2 days! Hooray! Feeling great, tonnes of energy, totally inspired and no detox issues today ie no headache or tiredness.

If I had to complain, I would say that I have TOO MUCH energy and it feels and seems like I am high on Crack. I just want to talk fast, move fast and I am super fidgety! I am going to use all this extra energy to clean my house and do some yoga.

Check out the videos below for information on how to do a Coffee Enema, video 2 deals with Parasite cleanse and creating a sacred space when administering an enema. Both videos are jammed packed with lots of good information.

As promised in the video, here is a run down of what I do in the morning BEFORE I drink my first juice. This really doesn't take that long and it helps me to feel ready to take on the detoxing day;

Wake up; drink ½ litre or more of water. Take a pee for about an hour :)
Stream of consciousness writing for 3 pages (helps to detoxify the mind and purge all the crap that you normally would worry about all day).
Start the kettle (preparation for nettie pot and lemon drink).
Morning Kriyas this is some yoga cleansings that include a tongue scrape,brushing (using my finger) my gums and all around the mouth with salt using, wash the eyes with very cold filtered water (directly stimulates the 3rd Chakra which deals with will power).
Nettie pot (nasal rinse) use 2/3 filtered water with 1/3 filtered hot water from the kettle and ¼ tsp of sea salt (non iodized) note; all the morning kriyas, including the nettie pot NEVER take more than 5 minutes and it really helps to wake you up and feel clean inside, get rid of the collection of grossness from your sleep and freshen up :o)
Coffee/ParasiteEnema; as long as my roommate isn't home, if he is home skip to # 7 and do the enema at a later time.
Body brushing for 3-5 minutes; Start circular on all areas (especially places with cellulite) and then brush upward vigorously
Hot/Cold shower; Enjoy a nice hot shower and then on the final minute make the water as cold as you can stand it, be sure to really concentrate on these areas; the full length of the spine including the back of the neck, the under arms, and any cellulite areas you may have in your body ..for me, this is the backs of the legs. All that cellulite is excess fat cells and lymph cannot move there, so we need to help it move to get the toxins out...yoga, deep breathing, gentle exercise with concentration on deep breathing (such as walking or tai chi), body brushing, deep tissue massages, saunas followed by a cold shower and hot/cold showers all work to stimulate the tissues and help drain the lymph from the body (note; this hot/cold routine may not be healthy for everyone...if you have high blood pressure or hypoglycemia; check with your dr. ). For quicker results, it is recommended to do 1 minute of warm/hot water followed by 1 minute of very cold water..and do this 3 x.
Vigorously towel dry with a thick towel to invigorate the body and wake it up and help move the lymph.
Drink hot water with fresh Lemon juice squeezed in it.
Drink the Clay, Flax and Psyllium Husk drink. 1 tsp Redmond Clay (or high quality clay), 1 Tbsp Organic, GROUND Flax seed and 1tbsp of Psyllium Husk. NOTE: I usually prepare the clay portion of this the night before. Just add the 1 tsp of clay to a glass of warm water and let it sit overnight, this way it won't be gritty or gross tasting. In the morning when I am ready to drink it, I add the Flax and Psyllium and drink immediately or it gets all gooey and thick.

After all that is done, I wait for 20 minutes and I am ready for my first juice of the day.

Total time without the enema: 45 minutes (depending on how quickly I write my morning pages)
Total time without morning pages and enema; less than 30 minutes.
Total time with enema and morning pages; 1hour – 1 hour and 15 minutes (depending on how quickly you can prepare the concoction, get it in you and expel it. Sometimes, it can take up to an hour just for the enema alone. Be patient if you have just started doing enemas, your body might resist and I suggest you give yourself even more of a cushion for time in the beginning.

So, if you plan on doing these things I suggest you set aside at least an hour before you have to go about your day.
Any questions? Please feel free to contact me and I will do my best to answer them.
Till tomorrow, xo

Part 1; Coffee Enema Information

Part 2: Parasite Coffee Enema & Setting the space

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

60 Day Juice Fast Day 1 & 2

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:19:00 +0000

Patricia Morrison; Yoga Instructor, Comedian and recent Over Eaters Anonymous Enthusiast has said Fuck You to solid foods for at least 60 days. I am not going to post an embarrassing 'before' picture until there is a hot 'after' pic :o) I have been preparing my body like an Olympic Athlete since January 1 in order to do this fast by pounding back cakes, cookies, chocolate and pizza because I know 2 or 3 months of not having those things is going to be very very difficult.

Day 1 of juice fast: 5'2 187.5 lbs ...tedious long hours spent preparing and cleaning up after juices...there has to be a better way! DON'T BUY A BREVILLE JUICER..even though Joe Cross from Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead says it's awesome...don't believe him! Worst Juicer EVER! grrr Me Angry!

Day 2: 4lbs lost! I made less juices (is that a word?) = less clean up but more hunger pains JOY! It feels like I have a body made out of cement and a head made out of lead...ugh so slugish and heavy feeling...I am looking forward to this all going away soon. Anyways, watch the video below for more info and maybe a laugh and ask me any questions you want. Till next time

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

The One Where I Procrastinate

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 17:51:00 +0000

Today is the first day of my life...or maybe it's the first day towards my demise, who's to say? I am embarking on a new career, in a new city and I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking!

Last month, I finally made the decision to uproot myself from my comfortable, safe, boring little life and move to Vancouver to start my comedy career. A bold career move at 33!

Yesterday, I finally moved into my new ' $900 shared accommodations; listen to your roommates hair growing in her sleep because the walls are so paper fucking thin that if you touched them, they would crinkle', luxury apartment!

This morning, I sit in my new room, surrounded by 4 'walls' of tissue paper, a mountain of unpacked boxes and an audience of voices in my head that say 'what a Fucktard! You actually think you are funny enough to make it? You will be eating jam from a homeless guys toes in a month and you won't even be able to afford the bread to spread it on!'

Right now, all I want to do is figure out how can I get away with using a vibrator without the new roommate hearing it! For $900 a month, I should be allowed to masturbate all over the apartment, using a diesel powered meat curtain machine that would overshadow the sounds of most chainsaws, without anyone even blinking an eye!

Hmm what would MacGyver do? Maybe a pair of almost dead batteries will do the trick? Or one fresh one and one dead one = not so many vibrate-y sounds?

I'm not horny, I just need to take my mind off of all I have to do...um so I guess you could call it Procrastination Masturbation. That way at least I can feel like I have accomplished something today. But alas, these walls won't allow me to get the Job done!

Unpacking has never been my forte, but neither has anything else in life...good thing I am so optimistic about this fictional career!

After reading this blog post, all I can think is 'holy shitballs, what have I done?'
Over and out
Trisha
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

I'm back with some Style!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 14:01:00 +0000

So even though I haven't blogged in about 5 months, some awesome person has given me an incentive to write again as I was emailed that I am now the proud owner of some fucking award that means absolutely nothing to me but still made me feel good to receive it because that is just how shallow I truly am!

Yet I do feel entitled to it because I am totally stylish with my potty mouth and excessive abuse of swear words. Making words like 'Shmegma, Quiff and Beastiality' sound stylish, sure is hard work and therefore I accept this award! So thanks to you 'Clocks Declaring ' for honouring me with the 'Stylish Blogger Award' and for getting me back on the horse ( this is my segue to the last paragraph of this blog post, just so you know that this post does in fact have continuity in a graceless sort of way...that's right, I am all about Style now people, you may hold your applause until after the break).

Also to all of you who bitched and whined for me to come back, all 2 of you...here it is...the post you have all been waiting for...trust me, this post is like Jar Jar Binks in the Phantom Menace...irritating, pointless and utterly uncreative.

Life in my end of the world is really really good...and when things are really really good, I don't feel like writing...must be that tortured artist mentality either that or the comedy writing team that took up residence in my brain is still on lunch 5 months later...and I forgot to fire them and hire new ones...man, where do I find a sweet job like that?

So trying to write when I am happy and satiated is like trying to give birth when you aren't even pregnant...nothing can be created except maybe a quiff or two...and PUSH! One more, come on, push that blog post out! Ah congratulations, it's a pussy fart with all 10 fingers and toes!

Mostly, my "happy writing" looks like I ate a bunch of Skittles and washed them down with purple Koolaide and then regurgitated it all over the page...sure it's colourful but there isn't much substance to it.

Hey so remember way way back at the beginning of this post I spoke about a horse??? Well, I will leave you with this deep thought I just had about them...

'Fuck you and the horse you rode in on' is quite a saying!!
I often wonder what it really means…like if you say that to someone, does that mean you want to fuck a horse?
Or does it me you would like to have a threesome with the horse and its rider?
Or is it a really obvious way to indicate to other people that you have in fact forgotten to take your Meds because most people generally don’t ride horses around town anymore unless they are rich or possibly a part time Rodeo clown...and if you are in fact off your Meds and seeing Rodeo Clowns you should probably call 911...but I digress..

Whenever I hear someone say 'fuck you and the horse you rode in on' I think of how it surely must have originated...some cowboy with road rage is behind another cowboy who is being a dick by riding slow and not letting Ol' John Boy pass...as they both finally arrive at the saloon the second cowboy tilts his hat and says 'howdy partner' with a smug look on his face that says he knew what a dick he was being and then the Ol' John Boy just loses it and is all like 'I challenge you to a duel Pilgrim' and in some kind of word miracle the other cowboy pulls that amazing one liner from thin air....The first cowboy ever in the history of the world, to use that line!
I like to believe that Ol' John Boy just tilted his hat and said touche and then they all slapped their knees, bought each other a beer while firing their guns in the air and pissing in their pants because of the hilarity of that quick witted comeback ….but we all know the inevitable outcome of saying something like that back then was the second cowboy getting shot in the face...cowboys were killed for much much less back then.

I guess upgrading that saying isn't really as much fun, as 'Fuck you and the porshe you rode in on'... it doesn't have the same ring to it....because fucking a horse is really quite taboo, even in this day and age ...it's not yet something you can casually bring up at Thanksgiving Dinner...at least in most Countries. Although 'fuck you and the Retard you rode in on' could be even more offensive because nobody ever admits to fucking a retard or a horse :o)
Plus that just screams classy all over it doesn't it?

So, until next time everyone, fuck you and the Horse and/or Retard you rode in on :o)
Thanks for reading
Love Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Failure Smells A Lot Like Schmegma With A Dollop Of Warm Apple Sauce!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 16:38:00 +0000

Poop, double decker, camel-toe-jam, kerfluffenheimer, fromunder cheese, schmegma, dollop, hand-me-downs, apple sauce, penis...

I tried really hard to come up with something interesting to write for you all but those are the only words that came to mind. I think I might have popped a large hole in my brain from how hard I tried...can you smell it? Smells a lot like failure and disappointment to me...ah the sweet aroma of failure how I have missed you so! Doesn't it smell good?

So, my gift to all you dear readers is that I will not try to continue this butchery of a post. So for the safety of your brains, enjoy the cartoons I just made :o)

Because poop has feelings too...and when it smiles at me I should really learn to smile back at it :o)

I use the word Kerfluffenheimer a lot! Most people want to know what it means and the truth is, Kerfluffenheimer means whatever you want it to mean...today it doubles as a really bad swear word or a really dirty old fart you have held in for much too long cause you are trying to be polite. But tomorrow, Kerfluffenheimer could mean something very different.

I always thought that Toe Jam sounded pretty yummy....but camel toe jam? Could be a new trend!

Sometimes I feel that the word penis is the real plural for pen :o)

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Holy Craparoni! A Butterfly Raped My Finger!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 17:17:00 +0000

Hey bloggy friends! I am sorry for being such a slacker in my postings here at The Writing Womb but cut me some cheese errr...I mean slack.

The weather is amazing here in Thailand and considering the monsoon season has just been unexpectedly put on pause for the last week or so, I have been taking some time for me to do fun things like this;

and this;

So, as you can see, I am terribly busy right now with my schedule chalked full of all these tiring and not fun at all events *sarcasm intended* that leave me no time to remember things like what day it is or better yet, what month it is...all this sunshine has depleted my last remaining brain cells and I am uber forgetful these days.

I will make some cartoons this weekend and find 2 healthy brain cells in this noggin' of mine to help me create something entertaining for your hungry eyes for Monday's post.

Oh, but for now, here is a slightly interesting story I wanted to share with you.

See, I was talking to a friend today and during our conversation, I pointed my finger at her and a butterfly landed right on my index finger.

After I got over the awe I felt of how special I was that a butterfly chose to land directly on my finger, I started to feel a little violated when I saw him pumping away at my appendage like it was it's very own sex doll or something...what the hell butterfly? Stick with your own kind! I don't mean to be racist against butterflies or anything but really, he didn't even bother to use protection or lubricant and um maybe next time a little foreplay? I know I have a very attractive finger but what the hell am I a 1950's house wife? ( I just assume that all 1950's housewives never got any foreplay, I don't know why I think that, I just figure women who drink that much and require that many barbituates probably weren't getting any foreplay).

Anyways, at first, I felt so dirty...but then I remembered... this was the most action I have seen in a LONG time, so I shouldn't complain *smiley finger*

BEST FINGER RAPING EVER! Thanks Mr. Butterfly for making my day a special one...brings a whole new meaning to 'smell my finger' that's for sure.

Time to get to bed so I can wake up early and get back to my hectic life of beach bumming and snorkeling.

Loving all your comments and emails! Thanks for caring enough to write them...now smell my finger, it smells all rape-y! Isn't that special?

Smoochies

Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

I Wanted To Somehow Mention Jeff Goldblum In This Post But I Lacked The Creative Ability To Do So!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 16:50:00 +0000

I was at work today, in my little registration hut just outside the yoga hall, feeling anything but Zen because of a certain flying insect that felt the need to swarm my head all morning.

I was trying to figure out why flies irritate me so much when it occurred to me, that flies tend land on and hover around only a few things: The starving 3rd world children, The Rotting Corpses, The garbage and The Fecal Matter.

So, when a fly lands on me, I take it personally! To me, it’s as if the fly is deliberately insulting me with its presence. Like it’s trying to tell me something…Leaving me to wonder if I am a rotting corpse, or stinking like garbage or have somehow become a hungry third world child or maybe it’s trying to remind me of what a huge pile of shit I am…either way, it’s annoying and my self esteem plummets when they won’t leave me alone.

All morning long, this damn fly was flittering around my head. At first I would just brush it away and try to send peaceful thoughts its way but after like an hour, each time it came close to my head, I was all ‘oh no you didn’t’ (neck attitude included) cause today is not the day to remind me of what a piece of shit I am.

I began cursing at the top of my lungs and getting more and more annoyed while others became more and more amused of just how intensely focused I was at capturing and executing this little fucker.

So every time I got a glimpse of this annoying insect in my peripheral vision, I attacked the air like I was Luke fighting against the federation wielding my invisible light saber as I yelled profanities and Star Wars quips just to make it fun (I am pretty sure this is how ‘normal’ people get locked away for a brief period of time) *making Darth Vader like breathing sounds* Fly: ‘Patricia, I am your father’ Me: (best adam sandler impression ever! Think Happy Gilmore meets Billy Madison) “You’re gonna dieeee flyyyyy!” Laser battle commences...cue the awesome lightsaber sounds *whhuuuummm, whhhuuummmm*

I was staring at the computer screen, trying to finish up some work when I saw him out of my peripheral, my back arched like a cat ready to pounce I stayed very still didn’t move a muscle…eyes focused straight …I was trying to trick the fly into believing I hadn’t seen him see? I was trying to show him I was still working see? oh yes I was being very very sneaky indeed… this was it…but as soon as I moved my eyes to the right it zipped out of my sight again! GOD Damn it!

I immediately took on Axl Rose’s persona as I shrilly said, “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby!!! And your gonna DIIIEEEEE!”

The people at the nearby restaurant were super impressed! They had breakfast and a free show!

My face contorted into some sort of golemnesque mask as I slowly wiped at the area where the fly had touched me hissing ‘My precious. He wants the precious. Always he is looking for it. But we mustn't let him have it.'

Man, was this fly fast! Seriously this fly had nothing on speedy Gonzales. Like maybe if you combined Speedy Gonzales with the Roadrunner and sprinkled some PCP over their heads and gave them one of those brooms from Harry Potter, maybe then they could compare to the lightning fast ways of this fly. Every single time I went to look at it and capture it, it moved out of my line of vision! It was like it knew if I got one direct look at it I would surely be able to end it’s annoying little life. This fly had the fucking Vulcan Mind Meld on me I swear! My mind to your mind Your mind to my mind ( I am such a geek to know this oh lord!)

I now am fully understanding of why cats will spend several hours chasing one flying insect…it’s not for the sheer joy and pleasure of it but because they are so fucking annoyed and must get even with the flying critter. There is some sort of twisted satisfaction you get out of killing an irritating insect.

I went back to my work and he showed up again but as soon as I moved my eyes he high tailed it away from me again!

I was hysterically livid …and then it struck me…um Trish, lets think about this for a moment… flies don’t have a brain large enough to conspire to irritate you nor do they have the ability to Vulcan mind melt with you…I nodded my head in agreement with myself…plus you have never once got a good look at this ‘fly’ right? So I moved my eyes quickly to the right and sure enough I saw my ‘fly’ again.

I took a look in a mirror and saw that it was actually a tiny mosquito that I somehow managed to annihilate with my amazing killer blinking abilities (now those are some mad skills right there, like some bad assed Karate Kid shit right there! Daniel-son aint got nothing on me, wax on, wax off!)

Its nasty carcass was resting right on my eyeball! I mean my eye was a little scratchy but I just figured it was a broken blood vessel or something from the lack of sleep I had the night before. How fucked up is that? All that time, energy and terrible celebrity impressions, trying to get even with something that I already had masterfully killed…I think a big DOH! is in order here! Like I should get a big wad of DOH for being so retarded (or maybe a 'special' helmet).

The Winner after this round: ME !!! So Suck it, Mosquito!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Rainbows and Dolphin Farts

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:36:00 +0000

My new bloggy friend Marcy over at Giddy fingers commented on my last post about laser hair removal saying "If I were to do it I would get my entire body lasered (apart from my eyebrows and head otherwise I'd just look like a freak dolphin)"

This image in my mind made me laugh so hard a little brain flew out of my left nostril (even though I don't have much brain to spare, it was totally worth it).

So here it is, the dramatic before and after Laser Hair Removal of Miss Giddy Fingers. Check out her blog she's totally hilarious!

BEFORE

AFTER

Now that is one sleek and sexy Laser Hair Removal procedure! That's Dolphin Hawt!

I wanted to show the before and after pics of Spiderman's buttery balls but alas, those pics were waaaayyy too graphic even for this naughty little blog *crooked smiley face*

Anyways folks, I won't be able to blog again till next Thursday due to a redardedly busy schedule that has just happened upon me *wipes tear from eye* I will miss you all so much *Oscar winning performance*

So, until then, keep it smooooth!

Kisses and Dophin farts to you all!

Patricia ~ The Naked Writer

Laser Hair Removal = Super Hero's Best Kept Secret!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 14:49:00 +0000

I have always wanted to try Laser Hair Removal, but whenever I think about doing it, all these unsubstantiated fears come up and consume me.

Like how do we know it’s safe? What if voluntarily subjecting yourself to lasers gives you cankles in the near future?

Thanks for the Cankle pic

What if leg hair becomes fashionable 10 years from now and then I will look like a plucked chicken that no man will ever find sexy?

Thanks for the Plucked Chicken Pic

What if I get lost in the arctic circle while looking for Santa at the North Pole and the only thing that could save me from hypothermia is curling up with my big bushy Paul Bunyan legs?

Thanks for the hairy legs pic

What if when I am a senile old lady, I mistake my hairy legs for cute cuddly kittens that are always there with me, giving me something to live for…could I really deny my future bluehaired self that kind of pleasure?

Thanks for the cute kittens pic

What if the laser somehow deflects off my leg and hits a big shiny object like a desk or medical cabinet or something and then beams right into my eyes hypnotizing me to become the first anti hair removal robot. Where I turn into a lethal killing machine whenever anyone even mentions the phrase ‘hair removal’

That’s a little crazy I know! But we don’t know what these lasers are capable of…maybe that’s how the super heroes REALLY came to be…they were just regular civilians trying to rid themselves of excess hair…and poof laser in the eye! And now they have super powers and must save the fucking world every second of every day…what a pain in the arsehole…that theory makes much more sense to me than a spider bite or expedited human mutations.

Thanks for the Spiderman Costume pic

I also have an issue with Laser hair removal because it’s just a priest and a bottle of holy water away from being a modern day exorcism. Where we banish unwanted body hair as if we were (get ready to use a heavy southern drawl here) ex-or-cisin’ the demons! Sending that hair back to the depths of hell from which it came.

The power of Christ compels you and so does the power of the Laser :o)

Anyone ever done this to themselves? Any problems? Does it actually work? Did you have hair removal remorse? Did you get cankles or Elephantitis of the leg area? Would love to know!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Her Name Was Kock!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 11:32:00 +0000

You know when you first meet someone and they tell you that their last name is Kock and then you subtly point out the obvious ice breaker that could have the both of you rolling on the floor with laughter and being BFF’s for the rest of your lives but they fail to see the humour in it because they must be either dead inside or in a waking coma?

Then you have to bottle that laughter up and hold back all those zingers and naughty one liners that are now bombarding your brain until you can barely take it anymore.

Her pursed lips and scowl are now forcing you to swallow all that joy deep down into your belly until it can be released as a big fart at a later time when you are all alone with the covers up around your head so you can inhale the smell that once was the biggest laugh you never did have!

That is essentially what happened to me today. Except I haven’t had the pleasure of revisitng my joy in fart form yet. I feel all bloated with the laughter I had to supress cause of this girls missing funny bone.

My brain sent out an APB "calling all cars, calling all cars, be on the look out for one bone. Code name: Funny, known to reside in the elbow region...may be armed and dangerous."

I mean if my last name was Kock, I would totally make fun of myself by promoting myself with hilarious t shirts.

Or when people would say 'holy fuck! Your last name is kock?' In my best Ron Burgundy, Anchorman impression, I would be all like 'yeah, it really weighs me down… all 12 inches of it'

With a last name like Kock, I would be forced to procreate just so I could name my kids Sweet Kock and Hannibal Kock. These names alone would ensure my children's success in the porn industry and bring mamma home the bacon!
I just don’t understand why people who have obviously funny names don’t have a better sense of humour about it!!!
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Even The Devil Would Be Afraid Of Me Today!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 13:40:00 +0000

You ever have one of those days where you wake up and it feels as if aliens abducted you and probed you anally in your sleep and then force fed you the hottest Chilli Peppers all night but wouldn’t allow you to drink anything to ease the burn-y feeling in your guts and mouth and then they pulled your brain out through your nose and refilled that empty space in your head with a big fat marshmallow which they then lit on fire just before you woke up and it’s been smoldering all day long…Filling you full of rage, that is unlike any other, in that you want to rip everyone’s heart out and shove it down their throat, just before you rip off their head and kick it like a soccer ball into the middle of the ocean?

Me too! Wow…we have so much in common!

I wish I could blame it on waking up on the wrong side of the bed but seeing as one side is always pressed firmly into the wall…that would be pretty much impossible.

All day I have been filled with a vile anger that is so overwhelming and so powerful that it would put Linda Blair to shame! You know, the little girl from The Exorcist who used her projectile vomit as lubricant so she could masturbate herself with that big silver cross while screaming ‘fuck me, fuck me’? Yeah I am like that only worse.

Scary huh?

My anger is making me even more angry and writing this blog post with a flaming marshmallow for a brain seems totally futile. I have to stop before I rip off each of my computers keys and send it flying across the room…cause even technology cannot escape my wrath today!

I hope your day is going better than mine

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

This Blog Post Is Rated Arrrrrrrr!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 11:28:00 +0000

Arrrghh! Is that a parrot in yer pocket or are ya just happy to see me?
Nah, it's just International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Yar, I know it was yesterday but seeing as I weren't informed about it, I celebrate today instead yar!

I woke up this morning adorning me bestest and most prized eye patch.
All day, I be talking like a pirate that be sounding a lot like a Jamaican. Arrrr...all the mates think I am crazy yar!

I been celebratin today with a cup of grog, The Goonies and a shot of Vitamin C to keep that damn scuurrrrrvy away Yar!

Ok, enough of the pirate chat for now...seriously, pirate day was the funnest day EVER! I was not accountable for anything I said or did, cause I was a piratey pirate see? I got to tell people they were a rotten wenches, I got away with terribly poor grammar and I got to make people check out my fine pirate booty...ah I wish I could be a pirate everyday!

People thought it was fun and crazy. From now on, just to make life more fun, I am going to make everyday have a theme. Like how about International Ghostbusters day? Or international Gibberish day...or what about International make fart sounds with your mouth and or armpits day????

OMG! That would be the funnest! When people ask a question, the only response could be a huge, loud, mouth fart! Joy! How awesome would that be? Some jerk off customer is complaining that he wants a refund and your only response is to blow a big fart! Now that is customer service!

What other fun days could we make?

Arrr, I have to get back to being a pirate arrrrghh! I be pirating movies and music all day long on the Pirates Bay arrrghh! There be treasure in them thar internets yar! Like this photo of a cat on international frogs day...thar's the spirit kitty!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Ummm, Is That Lavender Scented Compost? Nope, It's My New Organic Deodorant Stick!

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 14:46:00 +0000

Hello deodorant, It’s me Trish…I thought you needed to know that you really don’t do a very good job at keeping me dry or smelling good. WTF is up with that? I paid good money for your sorry “all natural”, lavender scented ass and this is how you repay me? With arm pits that feel like they have been licked by a St. Bernard??? Thanks a lot!

You're as useful as an coked out, anorexic super model at an all you can eat buffet…what a waste!

You cost double what I normally pay for deodorant and yet you do only half of the work…are you unionized or just plain lazy?

I am glad that you are ‘Paraben and Proplyene Glycol free’ but maybe you should reintroduce those things back into your diet, cause without them, you are as useless as a Twinkie that thinks it's a tampon!

I was especially enticed to buy you when I read that your formula was 'New and Improved' and now comes with ‘Aerobic Oxygen’…I assumed that would guarantee that you were a master of your craft, but you lied! You lied right to my face!

If this was the Roman times, this would be treason and you would be ‘beheaded’ and I bet that would hurt a lot! So, if you wish to continue our relationship, then you’d better start to increase your productivity or I am sending you to Gillette’s Guillotine….Off with your head!

This lazy attitude of yours has got to stop! So, pick up the pace asshole and do your job!

You have 24 hours to comply with this message

Sincerely,
Trish

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Al Pacino Ate My Homework

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 10:33:00 +0000

Dear totally awesome readers and dare I say, Fans? Not the kind of fans that keep you cool on a hot summer's day but the kind that adore the words and cartoons I write...there aren't many of you, I know,...but I get your ~~hate~~ love emails from time to time.

The biggest question in your sexy grey matter seems to be, Hey, what the fuck? Don't you care to write anymore? Why aren't you entertaining us more often? Are you too good for us now? Did Al Pacino eat your blog posts or did you in fact lose your fingers in some sort of freak firecracker incident that is preventing you from posting cause you now have nubs for fingers cause you didn't heed the warning from Smokey the Bear that says only 'you' can prevent firecracker fingers?

Well, I am pleased to say, I don't have stumps for fingers, although they are short and stubby but that has to do with my genetics and not due to the misuse of dangerous explosives.

Ok, so yes, I have totally wanted to write more often and create more comics and stuff and I do realize I have been neglecting this blog and all of my bloggy friends, but the summer has been chalked full of fun and work, work and more work.

I wake up at 6:30 every morning and don't get back home until 8 at night as I have recently gotten back into teaching yoga classes every day, giving Thai massages and also helping out with administration and registration at a nearby yoga school. When I get home, in order to make some food, I still have to battle it out in the kitchen with the gigantic jungle Cockroaches that have somehow doubled in size during this monsoon season and have become pretty bad-assed! Last night, one of them did remind me of Al Pacino from Scarface, and I was all say hello to my little friend you disgusting Cock A Roch! The rest of my evening usually consists of showering, tidying up and thinking about how I am too tired to even masturbate, before I drift off to sleep. Life has been hectic and busy but I am loving it!

So I decided to sit down and create an intention for this blog and routine that I can stick to, as blogging helps to keep me sane and grounded, and of course, your comments keep the fuglies away and make me all sparkly and beautiful and I miss you guys too much!

Starting this Thursday, I will be posting regularly every Monday and Thursday each week. With more fun cartoons and twisted stories to titilate you to your very core (ha ha I said (highlighted).

My blog also told me that it needed some cosmetic surgery so, I gave it a nose job, a breast lift and a couple of ass implants...oh yeah, you can bounce quarters off of that ass now....it's tight son!

Once the bandages come off, I may have to tweak it a bit more here and there but what you see now is likely the new look from now on. Hope you like it ;o) If you think of any other surgeries it might need, let me know

Oh and I would also like to give a shout out to all of you beastiality fans out there...umm seriously? I got more than 45,000 hits on the Dog Beastiality and Google Tourette's Syndrome post I wrote a while back....Imma make Mommy proud for sure with that one! I thought the Unfortunate Blow Job Incident post was popular at 500 hits...lol well, as you know, I don't descriminate, so welcome all you beastiality and beast curious fans! Who knew there were so many of you out there? Guess I found my Niche?

Also, thank you to everyone who has voted for me on the bloggers choice awards. You still have time to voice your opinion and support this blog as either best humor blog, freakiest blogger or best entertainment blog.
Click here to cast your vote

Talk to you all on Thursday's blog post :o) If you want to comment on any of my posts or share them, from now on, go to the top of the blog post to voice your own twisted point of view! The more twisted the better...I love reading them!

The Score After this post

Patricia ~The Naked Writer : 1

Al Pacino Cock a roch : 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Dear Duane....Playdoh says...

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:49:00 +0000

Dude...
Plato said that the uterus was "an animal within an animal," and said that if deprived of sexual activity, it would go somewhere else in search of satisfaction.

So if you see a womb on the side of the road trying to hitch a ride, give me a call…that bitch packed her bags long ago.

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)
Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.
For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

The ‘Periods’ brought to you by Endangered Bandages made from real Unicorn Uterus

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 06:58:00 +0000

Men always blame women’s bitchyness on ‘The Periods’

No man should ever blame anything on 'The Periods' because, as we all know, that only makes us go on 'the periods' even harder and we become hungry angry Dinosaurs that eat men whole for a light snack without even bothering to chew them, just to add to their torture as our stomach acid slowly eats through them.

Then just before those men die from the acid in our bellies, we throw them back up! Regurgitated whole onto a bed of salt (the fine grainy kind, it sticks better in skinless spots where the acid has eaten clean through to the organs and the organs are a little chafe-y).

And the bed of salt sits in the middle of the desert at the hottest point of the day, and the men of course have no clothes on, on account of the stomach acid eating through them, along with bits of their flesh.

There’s no oasis in sight, not even a mirage, …did I mention there’s a bottle of sun block there to help shield that mans corroded parts from the harsh rays of the sun? Oh yeah but it’s only the bottle, inside it’s 95% peroxide mixed with 5% iodine solution that never stops burning.

I dare you to blame a womans moods on her ‘periods’ and you will see her arms recoil into tiny T-Rex arms, those small arms are you first clue to run away. Next they retract entirely until she just has hands for arms.

While we begin to breath fire and grow wings to become the first T-Rex Pterodactyl ever to exist! A heinous monster nobody will ever win a war against…caw caw, caw caw!

Game on! It’s a war that looks like a Monty Python sketch in the middle of Jurrassic park and no Man gets out alive… molten blood clots will be flung like water balloons …RUN AWAAY!

But don’t worry, after the war is over, if you have survived, we will apply skin balm to all your burn-y parts and bandages made from the uterus of a Unicorn that magically heals everything.

We will give you skin grafts made from Griffins and Mermaids and then stick you in the belly of a freshly slaughtered Unicorn to heal you entirely…and tell you in our sweet little voice ‘love you’!

After an hour, you come out of that freshly slaughtered Unicorn as fresh as a muffin out of an easy bake oven.

So my warning to you dear men…don’t mention the periods cause you are endangering the very thing that is saving your life…the rare Unicorns, Griffins, and Mermaids…and what will you men do if you don’t have those magical creatures left to heal your wounds and grow your skin back?

PS…I have also come to the conclusion that men can be even bigger cunty bitches than women…men are the biggest ones in the world...they are just better at hiding it behind beer, pornography, sex and sports games, but take those elements away and you have your self the queen of the Mega-sauraus-cunty-bitches

PPS this was going to be a post on the dangers of dreadlocks but some man blamed my bad mood on the periods and thought you men needed to know why it hurts so much when you say that to us.

The winner at the end of this fun filled game:
The Periods: 1
Men: 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Fun With Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 05:28:00 +0000

First, I would like to give a big shout out to Pam and Sandy at Wisdom Of Words, also know as 'WOW'. Sandy and Pam have graciously added me as a Blogger Of Note 'BON' and are sending their lovely followers over here to have a looky loo…so welcome to you 'WOW' people.

Maybe you would like to know a bit more about me? Well, you are in luck! Just read The Naked Writer 101 for an in depth look into my twisted psyche. Also, for you awesome newbies visiting, I have compiled the top 5 Writing Womb Posts for your viewing pleasure.

#1 The Unfortunate Blow Job Incident

#2 My Rants In Haiku, Because Bitching Is Boring, Unless Done In Poems

#3 Dear Duane...I Am Getting Older Can I Put My Mail Order Husband On Layaway?

#4 How To Successfully Stalk Like A Pro, Without Being Creepy, In 10 Easy Steps

#5 Dear Duane...Rob Pattinson From Twilight Has Down Syndrome...For Serious!

I hope you enjoy my blog, please feel free to have a look around and comment whenever your little fingers desire to do so ;o)

For all my loyal followers, holy smokes…2 blog posts in 3 days? Yep…Trisha’s back....back with a game!

Now maybe you are part of the elite group of people who actually understand and know what the point of Twitter is...my hat is off to you! (except that I don't wear a hat cause my head is too bulbous, so really my hat is off to everyone...but especially you...)

But, If you are like me, then you just don’t ‘get’ Twitter. It seems pointless right? I mean I could Tweet that I used 129 squares of toilet paper to wipe my ass today cause I accidentally ate a jar of Prunes thinking that they were just really big raisins and who wouldn't want to eat a jar of really big raisins...but is this necessary information that all 10 of my Twitter friends would really want to know?

I know I am an ego maniac with Narcissistic tendencies (at least that's what the Dr's all say) but even that is over the top for me! I will not be a Twittarcisstic Narcissistic Ego Maniac...it's just too much to keep up with, who has that kind of time or energy or vocabulary?

um, hello? Have we forgotten about the telephone? Is the phone obsolete now? I can't remember the last time I actually spoke on the phone with someone and really, what would I say to them anyhow? Between their My Space pages, Facebook Status Updates and Tweets, I know far more than I ever thought I would know about people I haven't spoken with since grade school.

Now, it is possible that some of you out there don't know what the hell I am talking about, maybe you have never heard of Twitter before...in which case that means you are probably still a baby in the womb and congrats for being able to sneak out just to read this blog post…either that, or you are my 90 year old granny who still thinks that Atari is the newest video game consul around and commodore 64 is the most advanced computer to this date.

So, what I am saying is, in order to play the Twitter game, you should know what Twitter is…go Google it, I am not explaining it to you…if I get a question like what’s ‘a google’ then we can be BFF's cause your probably retarded and I like to surround myself with like minded people…and if you don’t know what 'BFF' is then you should ask your nearest pet psychic cause I am sure that you are an avid user (of psychics, paint huffing and possibly dumpster diving )

THE GAME:
OK so all you have to do is set up a Twitter account and find a bunch of celebrities you admire, then 'follow' (see stalk) a few of your favourites and then 'Tweet' them random messages that don't have anything to do with nothing! This is fun for everyone!
You can do this as much as possible as this does not annoy celebrities very much at all!

As most of you already know, I Heart Pee Wee Herman..."connect the dots la la la"….so of course he was the first celebrity friend I stalked…I tried many times to get him interested in my life but nothing…until…a while back I tweeted Mr. Pee Wee Herman this:

"Hey pee wee...I love toast, isn't that interesting?"

"Hi Pee Wee, I found a hair on my left nipple does this mean I have lopsided knee caps?"

"Hey Pee Wee my red bicycle is really sad and lethargic, do you know of any good bike psychics out there in Hollywood?"

"Chocolate chips look like rabbit poop only they taste VERY VERY different but you already knew that didn’t you?"

John Cusack is dreamy! I have hearted him since ‘Better Off Dead’ so I thought I would impress him with these little gems:

"my elbow smells like a Walrus or maybe an acorn, how would the great John Cusack solve this caper?"

"Hey John Cusack, If we hooked up, I wonder what OUR celebrity name would be?"

"Do you ever just look at your balls in the mirror and think oh my god, these are John Cusacks balls? I would if I were you!"

"Dear John Cusack I am writing to inform you that I need to buy some tampons today …isn’t that exciting? I thought so too!"

Jim Carey is funny as shit so I thought I would send him my sexy advances by being super flirtatious with him:

"hey we are both from Toronto, we should be friends and that entitles me to 5% of your monies, now pay up cockknocker before I stick my pubic hair on you "

"Hey remember that funny movie dumb and dumber? me too! WOw, we have so much in common, let’s be best friends now!"

"hey Jim, avoiding zombie raping pirates is harder to do than fart quietly…what’s YOUR secret?"

And of course, Kevin Smith, I love this guy but was a bit disappointed after seeing his last movie:

"Hey Kevin I love you almost as much as I love removing my tampon after a long day of work…and that’s a lot!"

"Dear Mr. Smith, I am writing to inform you that your movie Cop Out Raped me last night, it raped me in the brain repeatedly! "

"Remember how I told you I was raped by cop out? I forgot to mention that it gave me a brain STD that is resistant to antibiotics! I am sending you the bill"

Send me your very best Twitter celebrity stalking posts and the winner will get an awesome prize from me!
I will include the best ones in an upcoming post...game on!

To keep abreast of my silly goofs, just add me on Twitter CLICK HERE or add 'thenakedwriter' to your twitter thingy so we can goof on it together, after all...if that isn't what it's for..then what the fuck is it for?

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Birthday Blog Bloodbath (say that 3 times fast I dare you!)

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:03:00 +0000

Today is my birthday and the universe made sure that I took notice by rubbing my nose in the fact that I am getting older, every which way I turned.

Click on any picture to enlarge.

That's not a very nice sign, Universe!

Um, ok...throw it in my face why don't you?

Fatty McFatfat is getting older and plumper, I get it!

Hey now! No one is supposed to know that!

Yep, I actually saw 32 coming down the road to meet me and they didn't look friendly at all!

Oh no! When 32 meets 31, it's on...they are ready to rumble.

OH 32 is a dangerous, vicious age...31 stands no chance against these Barbaric Birthday numbers

Aghh! In a matter of moments, 31 is reduced to mangled roadkill...and 32 carries on to their birthday party as planned, right on schedule

Mangled and broken, age 31 must make it's own way to the funeral home

Poor little 31

Age 31 you will be missed, you sure were a fun year to hang with

I will be sending my 32 to Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Boot camp...so when it comes time to rumble next year with 33, 32 will win and live forever!

MUAAHHHAAAHHAAA

*evil laugh CD disc 1 track 3*

No one sent me a card this year or maybe they did but I won't find out for 6-8 weeks because of the uber efficient *italics = sarcasm* postal services offered here in Asia...so instead of getting bummed out, I decided to create a card for myself and share it with you guys.

Want to buy me a birthday drink / present but can't make the trip to Thailand? Send me a drink / present via paypal :o) Click HERE

Want to send me a present but have no money to do so? Then vote for me as best humour blog or freakiest blogger on the Internet click HERE

Regular postings will resume after summer is over...miss you guys and thanks for the wonderful emails I have received over the last month! You guys are too funny! Can't wait to fill you in with all the details of my summer vacation xo

Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Is This Too Much To Ask For?

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 17:31:00 +0000

To look to the very depths of me and ask myself 'what do I want?' is a little difficult for me to do. I know all about what I don't like and don't want but what I want in a relationship? I haven't defined it yet...so, I guess it's about time that I try. This is an online dating ad I am working on but it is turning into an EPIC NOVEL as I figure it out. In advance, thank you for your patience while i try to figure this out :o) Happy reading!

I want to be open and honest with someone, become best friends first and see where that takes us. I want the freedom to be myself just as I am and I want to give you that same respect, never trying to change a single thing about each other cause that's what makes us who we are…never morphing into someone else's projections of who they think we should be.

I want a friend who is strong in spirit, secure within themselves, comfortable with who they are and confident in their individuality, who won't compromise or settle for less...who knows what they like and don't like and who loves themselves completely just as they are.

I want a fun, reasonably energetic partner who loves equally to do outdoorsy things as well as surf the couch and quietly read or write/create. Lately, I have been quite complacent and lazy in life, which is uncharacteristic of me and I feel infinitely bored...it would be nice to have a supportive /enthusiastic person to knock some life and ambition back into me.

I like to listen to music here and there, but not retardedly loud. I never listen to music while driving. I am quite uncomfortable in loud, big places while they pack in people like sardines...crowds of people are not my forte.

As an introverted extrovert, (yes the duality is not lost on me) I enjoy peace and quiet, long bubble baths with candles, reading a nice book curled up on a lounge chair for a day or even a weekend, I love to write and get all these thoughts out of my head...it's like medicine for my monkey mind…I enjoy meditating and yoga with or without a partner, yet the extroverted side of me wants to play a lot, go biking, hiking, rollerblading, swimming, frolicking about like a child, laughing at silly things like pee and poo jokes, dancing in storms and feeling the rain's uniqueness, touch upon my skin, (this is the longest run on sentence in the history of run on sentences, but I digress) I love playing pool, cribbage, texas hold em poker, I like finger-painting, walking in cemeteries to enable me to appreciate the smallest of moments as it helps me to remember where I too will end up eventually. I like to feel the hot sun on my body as I lay in the sand, I like to speak my mind even if it's not 'politically correct'...hey my truth is my truth and it's all ok!

I can be loud and jokingly obnoxious at times. I love to talk and really enjoy having a partner who is as good a listener as they are a talker.
I like to eat food and don't hide that fact. I am not a slim girl (never have been) but I am voluptuous and curvy in all the places that make me happy....I love myself just as i am ( most days) and am looking for someone who can love me just as I am.

I am a one person type of girl that enjoys being adored and cherished. I really dislike pedestals and prefer not to be put upon one as the fall might hurt me :o) I am looking for a partner where we can be equal....I would rather not subscribe to boxes with tightly shut lids, I like to keep it open. I am not into threesomes, or group things, I don't like to share my partner sexually with anyone else but I am not possessive and you are free as a human to express yourself in ways that make you happy and fulfilled, honesty is important to me so if you are all about lots of partners, and notches on your bed posts, I am happy for you and wish you lots of pleasure but please don't respond to this ad! I am just trolling for one person who is looking for only one person...that's how I roll baby! ;o)

I am not interested in what's become the typical western style relationship, full of dramas, baggage and negativity...I will only surround myself with positive, empowering people who support and nurture my hopes and dreams unconditionally ( so I don't have a lot of friends, cause it is very difficult to find real people who are genuine but the ones i do have are keepers).

I will never cheat on you, ignore you, intentionally hurt you...I just want to love you if you are the right person for me. As I said, I am a hopeful romantic and I have been ignoring the fact that this is what I long for, this is what I crave well, today I put an end to that and will honour this love I long to find.

I love dogs more than cats and I frequently live vicariously through other peoples animals...this way I don't have the responsibility of taking care of them.

I don't like to shop and especially dislike grocery shopping....the most redundant / boring task on the planet!

I like to do all things sporadically and rarely stick with any one activity for an extended period of time...some would say I am a dabbler, jack of all trades, master of none. I am consistently inconsistent so it is tough to say what i like or don't like cause it really depends on my mood...the only thing I am consistent in is writing.

I am a super passionate woman in everything I do and I am looking for a super passionate partner. A seeker of truth, a HOPEFUL ROMANTIC....yes, my heart has been broken before but its healed nicely…and I have faith that the right person will reveal themselves to me (not like that dirty bird) when the time is right.

I am independent and perfectly happy to be alone, in fact I really enjoy having a couple of days just for me even when I am with someone. I have mastered the art of sarcasm and I really love to make others laugh, see them happy.

I rarely drink but if I do, it might be a beer or 3 on my birthday or Halloween; my absolute favourite day, where I still can get dressed up in a costume and go trick or treating! Free candy and fun yay! I am still a big kid I often oscillate wildly back and forth between serious adult me filled with wonder and questions and big kid me filled with wonder and questions... I really love to watch cartoons and peruse the isles of toy stores to see what cool stuff is out there now.

I love gifts that are unique or thoughtful and I take great pride in giving those kinds of gifts too...it could be a poem I wrote just for you, or a song, or something you mentioned a year ago, in passing, that you 'had to have'...I have a very sharp memory and rarely forget anything.

I absolutely love to kiss and cuddle and hug! I really enjoy being touched by my partner even if there is no reason for it...just to let me know you are there!
I enjoy someone who also likes cuddling and public displays of affection.

I don't care if you are rich or poor, I am not into brand names /labels...I don't care if you have the finest cars, toys in the world....that is irrelevant and won't help to win over my heart. In my former life, I used to only fixate on the materialistic side of life but after getting everything I wanted and still feeling dissatisfied and even more miserable, I had to kick those habits and fetishes (shoes) out the door...the simple life makes me happy.

I would love to own a little cozy cabin on a quiet piece of land some day (somewhere off the beaten path)...even if I somehow came into tonnes of money, I would still only want a tiny little home...they make me feel safe and happy.

I don't have any vices....don't do drugs, don't gamble, don't smoke and I don't collect anything but wisdom from the experiences I have had...although I can be quite a pack rat for memories and this is one thing I am trying to work on at the present moment...letting go.

I like to play my classical guitar from time to time but I am only mediocre at it and that's ok as I don't really want to put in a huge effort to get really good at it :o)

I love discovering all the new technology that's out there, it has always fascinated me and I can be found doing endless hours of research on things that I will never buy just because it's fun to know the evolution of things.

I am all about evolution as a person...constantly striving to grow upwards, hopefully not outwards ;o) I love learning about myself and others, I love to teach others and share with them, inspire them, uplift them and help them learn things they never even knew about themselves before.
I am a realistic person and swim in the sea of reality delicately and consciously.

I used to be 'one of the guys' and I really identified with that personality in my life, but lately I have been developing and growing my feminine side, really opening my heart and proudly being a softer kind of lady!

I am old fashioned and enjoy for my partner to be similar...I like it when someone holds the door for me, or gives me flowers for no reason, or leaves me little notes in secret places or makes me breakfast in bed.....and I really like to do those things for my partner too...it's a reciprocal thing for me...the more I give, the more I want to give and I love to make the one I love feel special, loved, appreciated...every single day!

I am mostly positive and upbeat although when I investigate the inner workings of myself I can spiral downwards for a time until I understand my reactions fully and am able to move ahead from there. When I stagnate in life or learning, I feel suffocated.

The sound of a screaming baby is one of the most irritating sounds on this planet, as is someone chewing their food / gum as if a grazing cow. I am very conscious of how my sounds, my footprints, my energy effects other people and I try not to disturb others with my presence, am very respectful of their space and boundaries.

If you are still reading this, congratulations...are you tired, do you need a little nappy now? ;o) Please only respond to this if this strikes a chord with you, if it sounds like you wrote it... if you were reading it and it was your deepest desires as well then great, email me and tell me all kinds of tid bits about you...I really want to know what makes you passionate in life.

I know it's a huge list of things that i am looking for but I am already living the life of my dreams just by asking for it so why not ask for what I want in a partner as well? I am sure now that I have put it out there that the universe will supply to me something even better than what I was looking for.

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Dear Duane…Thailand Is The Tits! UPDATED

noreply@blogger.com (Patricia ~ The Naked Writer) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 09:02:00 +0000

*My computer crashed last night so I wasn't able to post this blog in its entirety...here is the full blog with added pics for your viewing pleasure ;o)*

Dude!

I have totally neglected to tell you all about Thailand and what’s been going on here....also this really cool site called Blog-trotting has chosen to feature my blog on their site and they want to know a little about what life is like in Thailand. Blog-Trotting features various blogs from all over the world to see what life is like in that neck of the woods...also you get to see if the grass is truly greener on the other side (usually it is). I love this blog, there's never a dull moment on it that's for sure... check it out here www.blog-trotting.com/

I took this picture outside my bungalow last year...breathtaking isn't it?

I think you already know that I came to Thailand in 2009 for that 6 month yoga teacher training course…it was awesome! I graduated and got certified like I had planned and I learned so much from the school.

There are so many amazing yoga schools, mediation centers, Buddhist monasteries, temples and incredible detox programs on this island...it's a very spiritual place. Really, this island has a perfect blend of Yin and Yang as one side of the island is home to the famous Full moon parties where people from all over the world come to party like rock stars each month for three full days and nights during the full moon on the beaches of Haad Rin (about 10 kms from where I currently live) and on the other side of the island, where I am living...nothing but healthy, quiet living filled with Reiki treatments, herbal Saunas, rebirthing sessions, crystal bowl healing's, and alternative lifestyle work shops...the best of both worlds only 15 km's apart. So I can party hard on the weekend and detox it all away on Monday ;o)

Yoga class on the island

Me doing a yoga pose at a secret waterfall (there hasn't been much rain so it's not as 'waterfally' as it should be.

I did go back home to Vancouver Island for a few months but couldn’t get back into the ‘Western’ way of life…didn’t re-open my yoga studios or even want to be bothered with that part of my life anymore…so in December I had no choice but to move to this amazing tropical paradise that I fell in love with…I don’t know when I will be returning home. Frankly, it’s difficult to imagine ever returning home.

A Buddha statue in a temple

Jade Buddha in Chaing Mai

Me in front of a temple in Chaing Mai

King's Birthday celebrations

The scene outside the temple doors

Golden Buddha

Buddha Statue on Koh Tao

See, life in Thailand is a thing of beauty and ease...’Sabai, Sabai’ the locals always say (meaning something similar to take it easy, relax). ‘Sabai sabai is always followed with the English phrase ‘slowly slowly...I don’t know why Thai people have to repeat all of their phrases but it works! I guess the repetition is finally sinking in…cause little by little, I am learning to live ‘slowly slowly’.

Me meditating at monastery on Koh Phangan

Swinging away on Coconut Beach, one of the many beautiful beaches to chill out on here.

Days of relaxing in my hammock staring out into the jungle where I live, is what I call a ‘productive day’ for me now and I feel happy to just ‘BE’ without doing much of anything…just breathing is enough and witnessing and being in wonder of the beauty that I am surrounded by ever single day.

Elephant Trek a few miles from my house

This place looks like something out of that movie 'The Beach' and rightfully so, seeing as that movie was filmed on an island not too far away called Koh Phi Phi (he he pee pee) which is equally as beautiful as Koh Phangan but not as developed...like if Koh Phangan were a woman she would be a double D cup and Koh Phi Phi would be like a an A cup (developmentally speaking) which is nice if you want to escape and not have to deal with construction (Jerry Seinfeld voice; and what's the deal with me using boob size as a way to describe the development of an island?? Who are these islands??? end of JSV)

Fragrant pink Hibiscus blossoms, azure skies and picture perfect panoramic views of the teal blue Ocean, delight my senses on this little slab of paradise that I get to relax on.

The most perfect Hibiscus flower right outside the yoga hall

This idyllic, intimate, island of Koh Phangan, which is located 800 km's south of Bangkok, constantly encourages me to escape my everyday cares with its lush scenic tropical beauty, perfect white sandy beaches and amazing weather…you know how I hate the cold? Yeah, that is NEVER a problem here…way to escape 2 Canadian winters now…I feel like I have cheated on winter only it doesn't even know…Ha Ha…I am so very very sneaky!

My favourite beach 'Pirate Beach' 5 minutes from my house, nobody is ever there and perfect sand and water!

I didn’t come here for the yoga this time around. I came here for this amazing house I found deep in the jungle away from everyone and everything, so I could relax and realize my dreams of writing that book I was always trying to write back in Toronto.

My little secluded house in the jungle

I have been here 7 months now and I must confess, the book writing isn’t going so well. Granted, I have been writing a lot…for a magazine here and comedy sketches and of course, this blog…but I find to sit and go through the arduous process of writing a novel is not as much fun as I thought it would be. It isn't a romantic process at all and it is really frigging boring and also, I am not motivated to do much of anything, except read the works of others who have undergone the arduous journey of writing a novel, snorkeling, swinging on the hammock, long lunches and dinners with awesome friends, jungle treks to hidden waterfalls, cartooning, long luxurious $6 Thai Massages, Yogi potlucks, sunbathing on those perfect (and never crowded) beaches, playing my classical guitar ( I am getting really good at it now) and of course, a little yoga and meditating to the songs of the jungle critters.

The funniest bathroom signs I have ever seen on a Visa run to Burma. Conch or Banana? I stood there for a moment dumbfounded and had to think about it for a while! (don't worry, I figured it out)

I have a freedom as I have never had before. I learned to ride a motorbike, I learned to dive, I learned how to make cartoons on my computer, how to boil an egg (finally), bare my soul and speak my truth to complete strangers (while looking them directly in the eye without flinching and never saying sorry for what I said) and I learned how to live a Tantric yogic lifestyle where there are no rules just to live and to find gratitude and love for each moment…to be fully alive, present and aware in all that I do.

This is how I learned to ride a motorbike...isn't that special? Also, wasn't it smart of me to take a picture BEFORE cleaning the wound?? I thought so too!

Hundreds of Butterfly’s twitter away just to the right of me as I write this…it’s like I live in a Butterfly sanctuary or something and I tell you man, it’s amazing, like my very own magical wonderland and I am left wide eyed and teary with bliss and gratitude when I remember to stop and appreciate it.

I wish you could be here to experience it with me…even you, who burns in cloudy weather, would still LOVE it here!

It sounds corny, I know, but the truth is I have never been happier in my life as I am right now. I feel free to be me and experiment with healthy lifestyle choices…the ability to be ‘real’ and ‘authentic’ to be true to myself for once in my life and shed my 'Western' masks of who I 'should' be and what I 'should' do and how I 'should' behave...there's no need to pretend here and it's fucking awesome to have such freedom in your own skin.

Living here isn’t without it’s share of problems though…there is political unrest in Bangkok and has been for a while which is scary…a few months ago, it was full on and I really thought there might be a war, with all the blood shed and turmoil…but things have cooled off for the time being.

Hair loss is a big thing for me...my hair is down to my waist now but with all this heat, handfuls of it come out each day…it was like my body knew something wasn’t right…and I have been shedding like a dog…thank god I have a lot of it or I would be bald by now! Although now that it is summer here the situation seems to have cured itself.

Beware of ginormous hairy 'dust bunnies' isn't that huge? That's like a week of not sweeping...for real real dude!

Seeing as I am living deep in the jungle, that means unwelcome guests into my house…Geckos, hungry mosquitoes, giant spiders that probably feed on small children, termites, ants, poisonous snakes, boa constrictors, huge lizards, and the worst…the ‘gross’ giant cockroaches …remember how I couldn’t sleep for 2 days cause I saw that tiny little cockroach on the wall when we lived at that nasty ghetto apartment on Jane and Finch in Toronto? Yeah well, these ‘GIANT JUNGLE COCKROACHES' are bigger than my hand! It’s true!!! oh and did I mention that they fly? Yeah they totally do that too buddy! I totally get the heebie Jeebie's (yep I used that phrase...totally appropriate and the only way to describe the level of grossness I feel when I come into contact with them) ....YUCK...I don't know if i will ever get used to them!

My new Spider Man just outside my house eekkk!

Gecko's the size of Dinosaurs living in my kitchen, but when they hold 'hand's' they are too cute! Aww little love lizards!

Cute little Gecko that I don't mind having as a pet

Huge weird flying Beatles that seemingly have no purpose in life except to piss all over my towels that are drying and then fall to the ground on their backs and buzz annoyingly till they die!

2 or 3 times a year, 100's of millions of flying ants come out of the jungle and get into everything...eww! This leaves for a ridiculous clean up the next day as they all huddle together in the world's largest Orgy that I then have to sweep up and then wash the bug guts off my porch...oh Joy!

The worlds largest ant Orgy, on my porch, the morning after...each leaf looking thing is actually a flying ant! It takes some muscle to move all of those carcasses...

Creepiest turkey I have ever seen...nobody wants to eat this angry monster...not even you, oh lover of meat! He walks around like he has a serious case of 'The Downs'

The Bull vs Dog fights help keep the jungle life an entertaining one

The cutest spider I have ever seen...he lives in my bathroom. And yes, spiders are cute in comparison to gross cockroaches!

See, this is not cute! The first cockroach I ever saw...I named him George (he he inside joke) he is the smallest one I have ever seen here!

The Cockroaches freak me out so much! They only come out at night and they are always into everything in my kitchen...I just leave everything in the fridge but they somehow find a way in there too..GRRRR! Remember that movie Joe's Apartment? Yeah, this is worse than that and not for having a dirty place either...it's like these cockroaches are on steroids and can bench press 150lbs without breaking a sweat....(using a heavy Italian accent) now that's a cock-a-roch!!

But I must admit, having all these nasty Cockroaches running around in my kitchen is the best thing for dieting! I have lost a lot of weight recently as I no longer go into my kitchen after 6pm…problem solved! Say goodbye to late night snacking! Hello Nurse! lol Still they are so disgusting and make me so frigging angry…here’s a cartoon I drew to illustrate my cockroach anger!

When they startle me, I want to stab them

Better yet, it would be safer for me if I shot them...no risk of them crawling on me then *shudders

Me love you long time
Love Trish-Cock-Roach-Killer-itis...Te he he he I said...(highlighted)

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

The Writing Womb

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Dear Duane…Thailand Is The Tits! *UPDATED*

Dear Duane…Thailand Is The Tits! UPDATED