The Youngest Girl Alive

Don't think sad things - poem

2011-12-01T20:54:00.001-08:00

Don't think about anything sad
Just don't do it
The sad will come crawling up your throat
And you must stick your hand down there
Push it back down
And yell at your mom for something stupid
That is how sad works.

Don't think sad things
Just think about that brick in your mouth
And shoving it into your stomach
Where it turns into liquid bricks
Which are actually really fatty
Think about that
Think about fat

If I was a therapist
I would say
"Write poetry you'll feel better"
But I'm regular
and I say put your arm
all the way down your throat until you have no arm
Keep it there
Everyone does

I Punch My Friends

2011-07-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Cait Raft Presents: The Male Prostitute

2011-07-13T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hey lonely girls of the world: it's me! Cait Raft! I'm here to save you from your seriously depressing and isolated existence! Yeah! I've invented a cure-all for lonely girls across America: the Male Prostitute! Now, I know what you're thinking "Ew! I don't want to pay a man to have sex with me! First of all, it's pretty easy to get laid for free because I have boobs, and second of all, EW EW EW!!!" Well stop right there! When you buy one of Cait Raft's male prostitutes you aren't paying for sex! No! Not at all! Here's how it works:

Step 1: Call Cait Raft's Male Prostitute Hotline and order your Male Prostitute

Step 2: Male Prostitute arrives at your home

Step 3: Male Prostitute will hold you and tell you you're pretty* for a maximum of six hours!

Haven't you ever wanted all the perks of a perfect loving, doting boyfriend without the hassle of having to get to know or have sex with a human? Well today's your lucky day, my sad little friend. Order one now and have a night** of love and affection without any pressure to have sex or do anything!

*Many other compliments available!

**Night must be less than 6 hours long

***Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't officially endorse this product I just thought he would be a good spokesperson

angsty high school poem

2011-06-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

written December 5th 2006
age 16

Laying down in my bed sweatshirt
baggy pants comfy like in the womb
My mother is urging me to get out of bed
mumble 5 more minutes
water is running, I hear it
It's for me. Dammit.
My head is dizzy I wanna go
Back to bed
Back to the womb
In the bathroom
I go pee
Is the water hot yet?
It's all foggy
I step in
My eyes close when I meditate
Just stand there
Ooh this feels good
Better than the womb
I guess I stayed in the shower
And I never got out.
It ran out of hot water
And I died there.

commentary: I miss high school. I haven't really changed at all. I'm still overly dramatic about everything, showers included.

Music Video for Britney's "Hold it Against Me"

2011-05-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

I am the Opposite of Poetry - a poem

2011-04-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

I Am The Opposite Of Poetry

I am unfocused
All over the place
constantly contradicting, hypothesizing, not following through
I cancel on people
I'm careless, wasteful, selfish, unfinished
I'm not synthesized.
I withhold interesting light bulbs, regurgitate. spew everywhere. the wrong thing.
Sometimes I say
Please and thank
You and sometimes
The only thing I
Can think about
Is myself and
How hungry I am
And how I'll
Do whatever
It takes
Including
The food
Off your
Plate
I get embarrassed.
Poetry doesn't get embarrassed.
Poetry doesn't try as hard as I do.
And I like myself but
Not enough to
Pick out the
Words that
Harmonize
And dispose
Of the
Ones that
Just don't
Fit or
Belong or
Misrepresent.
I am the vomit of poetry.
A reaction that occurs when you
Consume the wrong
Thing. Too much of something,
Too much of the wrong thing
Something usually uncontrollable,
Smells awful, used to be
Something whole but it's
Worth it for that feeling I
Get when it's all over. The end.
And my mom give me 7UP and Saltines.

High school theater bio

2011-04-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote this when I was a high school senior as my bio for the school musical "Beauty and the Beast". I am an embarrassment to humanity.

Caitlin Raftery

Caitlin Raftery is the sound of contrived laughter. On a lighter note, she is playing her dream role as “Lady with Baby” in the Mira Costa Drama Department production of Walt Disney’s Beauty and the Beast and wouldn’t have it any other way. She is very enthusiastic, and a little sentimental, about her third and final play on the Mira Costa High School stage. Caitlin has done a lot in the Mira Costa Drama Department—almost too much. Her major accomplishment is that she is the Comedy Sportz manager for the ’07-’08 school year. Aside from drama-related activities, Caitlin loves the following things: Television, writing, writing for television, laughter (the key to life), freedom, the Japanese culture, flan, Nutella, courier new font, Jack Handy, babies and most importantly, kittens. Although she doesn’t own one or plan to own one, kittens are probably the most important things in the life of Caitlin Raftery. They aren’t just an inside joke, they are a passion. Next year Caitlin will be leaving California for the hustle and bustle of New York City to attend college and embark on her career as a writer/professional improviser. Awkwardly shifting gears, Caitlin would like to dedicate tonight’s performance to the following people: Her family, Thomas Sutter McAulay, Katherine Schneider, LindsayLexi, Jazz, her bestest friends, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Helen Keller (an inspiration to us all). Caitlin hopes to have left some sort of a mark on the MCHS drama department and to be immortalized forever, however realizes that this is difficult. Caitlin Raftery hopes that you enjoy this show more than you would enjoy an uncomfortable thanksgiving dinner. Caitlin enjoys saying the following sentence ironically. “Beauty and the Beast ’08 The best days of our lives!!!”

reworked this scene a little.

2011-04-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

I reworked this scene that I posted a while ago. I want to eat a caprese salad. I've spent the entire day in bed.

EXT. POSH NIGHT CLUB - TERRACE - NIGHT
Audrey steps outside onto a balcony and rips her mic pack off. She collapses onto one of the purple velvet chairs.
Jared is depressingly collapsed on the chair next to her. Head in hands. They are the only ones out there.
Audrey notices Jared is crying.

AUDREY
Are you crying?

Jared keeps his head buried in his hands.

JARED
No.

AUDREY
Yes you are.

JARED
No I’m not.

AUDREY
Lift your head up.

JARED
no.

AUDREY
What if I start crying too?

Audrey starts laughing and crying at the same time. Jared sneaks a peek at her.

AUDREY (CONT’D)
I swear I’ve cried at every single birthday party I’ve ever had.
Jared aggressively wipes his tears away.

JARED
It’s your birthday?

AUDREY
You WERE crying.

JARED
It’s my birthday too.

AUDREY
Do you ever sit back and realize that every person you know is an asshole?

JARED
Yes. I think everyone I know fits that description.

AUDREY
I’m Audrey.

JARED
I’m Jared.

They shake hands clumsily.

AUDREY
So what happened to you?

JARED
I was born.

AUDREY
I mean, why are you out here? Crying alone? I mean, I have a good excuse, it’s kind of my job to cry at clubs.

JARED
What’s your job?

Audrey is confused, then, lightbulb.

AUDREY
Sorry, I mean, what happened?

JARED
It’s nothing. I’m actually feeling a lot better. You’re probably the prettiest person I’ve--

He pauses to think

JARED (CONT’D)
--ever talked to.

Audrey smiles she is touched.
She gets a text and looks at it. It’s from Marvin. It reads: “I think we found your loser. Put you mic pack back on.” She looks through the window, Marvin has been watching the entire time.
Jared looks around nervously. He gets up to leave.

AUDREY
Where are you going?

JARED
What?

AUDREY
Why are you leaving?

JARED
I thought you were busy.

AUDREY
I’m not. You should stay.

Jared is confused.

JARED
Ok. Sorry, I just, it’s just, well uh, like I said, you’re pretty and like I said, I’m not, and well you’re drunk, right? No offense. I mean, you’re, uh, are you drunk?

AUDREY
A little. Aren’t you?

JARED
A little.

AUDREY
You are not not pretty.

JARED

(smiling)
Thanks.

Audrey leans in and kisses Jared on the cheek. He looks like he just had a heart attack.

AUDREY
Happy birthday.

Jared is still in shock. Audrey hands him her cell phone.

AUDREY (CONT’D)
Put your phone number in there.

Jared obeys.

AUDREY (CONT’D)
I’ll see you tomorrow.

JARED
You will?

I like the scene I just wrote

2011-04-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would put it on the internet.

EXT. POSH NIGHT CLUB - TERRACE - NIGHT
Audrey steps outside onto a balcony and rips her mic pack off. She collapses onto one of the purple velvet chairs.
Jared is depressingly collapsed on the chair next to her. Head in hands. They are the only ones out there.
Audrey notices Jared is crying.
AUDREY
Are you crying?
Jared keeps his head buried in his hands.
JARED
No.
AUDREY
Yes you are.
JARED
No I’m not.
AUDREY
Lift your head up.
JARED
You’re not the boss of me.
AUDREY
What if I start crying too?
Audrey starts laughing and crying at the same time. Jared sneaks a peek at her.
AUDREY (CONT’D)
I swear I’ve cried at every single birthday party I’ve ever had.
Jared aggressively wipes his tears away.
JARED
It’s your birthday?
AUDREY
You WERE crying.
JARED
It’s my birthday too.
AUDREY
Do you ever sit back and realize that every person you know is an asshole?
JARED
Yes. I think everyone I know fits that description.
AUDREY
I’m Audrey.
JARED
I’m Jared.
They shake hands.
Audrey smiles. She gets a text and looks at it. It’s from Marvin. It reads: “I think we found your loser. Put you mic pack back on.”. She looks behind her through the window, Marvin has been watching the entire time.

A poem I just wrote - Super Moon

2011-03-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Super Moon

the moon is so lonely because it’s in the sky
it has no one to talk to or say it has pretty eyes
the moon is so lonely
because it’s made of cheese
and cheese makes you fat which is why I can’t have cheese
the moon is so lonely
because I am the moon.

2011-02-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

Caitlin Raftery speaks with Caitlin Raftery
A Bridge Conversation

I’m sitting in a chair facing myself. These are nice chairs, velvet. I keep thinking about the sound of my hand running across the velvet. I’m looking into my pale eyes trying to figure out the difference between me and me. I know that I like to engage myself intellectually, I like to paint, I like to make something out of nothing.

I’m going to be honest with you, today is a good day because someone retweeted me on twitter. I am checking it right now while I sit in this velvet red chair and a coffee table that’s too far away to put my feet up on. I wish I could be watching Vampire Diaries. I wish I could be on my mom’s couch taking a nap with Family Guy playing in the background. I wish I could be at the midnight showing of a 3D movie, preferably one about piranhas. I am looking at her, me, Caitlin with the serious stare who is serious about serious shit. I’m going to draw a picture of her with poop coming out of her eyes and mouth. During one of my classes last week I just drew pictures of feces in various situations, each time trying to shock myself with the things I was creating. I’m annoying.

 I should say something. I should say something. I should say something. I should say something but what should I say to myself? I don’t dislike her in the slightest. I like her a lot. I admire her. I am proud of her as much as I am proud of myself. I’m just going to do it before I have to think twice.

Hi.

Sup, baby?

Why do you dumb yourself down?

Is this about my Most Popular Eighth Grader blog?

No, it’s about some of the things you surround yourself with. Dumb things. Like, didn’t it hurt you when we were in the car on our way to Skidmore with our improv team, Jessica,

Yeah, I remember the name of our improv group that WE STARTED.
 I know but in case other people don’t--we were on our way to the National College Comedy Festival and you put in your mix CD that you made

I hate talking about music, I don’t want to talk about it, I hate music. Fuckmusic.

You don’t hate music. Music is this cathartic experience and we’re afraid of the loaded aspects of sharing your tastes because it puts us in this vulnerable place. I felt like crying when Neale stopped the CD after four songs and said, “No offense, Caitlin, but you listen to shit music”. I wanted to cry.
 I mean, in my defense, it was mostly top 40. I can’t expect everyone to love Miley Cyrus’s, “Party in the USA”.

Why do you like corporate music? I mean, it’s like, soulless commercial crap. It’s in-genuine and generally sad when you think about it. You’re contributing to the downfall of creativity.

It’s fun. It makes me want to dance. If I’m singing, “noddin my head like yeah, movin my hips like yeah,” with my best friends in the car, crying laughtears, how is that a bad thing? How can you say one happiness shouldn’t exist because it comes from a place of--whatever you said.

She’s such an escapist, does whatever it takes to get her head out of her head. I can’t help but constantly doubt that what I’m saying or doing or feeling is right.

I got an email. Skim. Boring. Delete. If I’m always touching my iPhone in some way, then I feel better. Like Linus and his blanky.

Boo!

Ah.

She’s afraid of me.

I’m not afraid of her, I was just scared because I was thinking about something else that was scary at the precise moment she jumped out at me.

I’m afraid of her.

Poem - No Pre Nup

2011-02-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

Here's a poem I just wrote:

I want be like those people who don't get pre-nups
It's too hard to predict what and when I'll fuck up
Can I decide without deciding?
Impulsively react without thinking?
Doubt is the first part of failing
But delusion is the first step to crazy.
I want to avoid thought without being lazy.

Music Video to Rihanna's "Only Girl (In The World)

2011-01-15T22:15:00.001-08:00

I made this with my friends. Watch it and then watch it again.

My acting debut as Justin Bieber

2010-12-06T17:48:00.000-08:00

<a href="http://www.bing.com/videos/browse?mkt=en-us&vid=8715ab37-e6d9-d813-bdbe-3fa79a8b62bd&from=en-us&fg=dest" target="_new" title="Celebrity Encounters: Justin Bieber">Video: Celebrity Encounters: Justin Bieber</a>

My first movie premiere: Black Swan

2010-12-01T00:29:00.000-08:00

My hair was a little messed up but my feet were in heels and I wore my Vera Wang perfume and my new orange lipstick. I walked behind the red carpet trying to look in and see if there was anyone I recognized. I felt like impressing the sea of attractive vaguely familiar faces but I didn't have time to do my hair so they probably ignored me. There were some old women with obvious nose jobs. I would never get an obvious nose job. I wouldn't get a nose job but if I got one it wouldn't be obvious. Everything was red velvet and gold and fabulous. I didn't eat enough and I was filled with adrenaline and caffeine so I felt sick. Good sick. The movie knocked me over. It was amazing. I saw the director and the cast and I clapped and took a secret picture on my iphone. I felt young and small like a jumping dog. Everyone was perfect looking. Everything was perfect. I was sweaty and scared and aroused and in love. I wish I could go every day.

Hollywood is an expensive size 2 dress. I'll buy it now and go on a diet. It'll fit me later.

Halloween costumes

2010-11-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

Recently deceased celebrities 2010

Anna Nicole Smith 2010

Swine Flu 2009

Samantha Ronson 2008

a funny conversation

2010-10-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

me: Totz
friend: totEs
friend: you spelled it wrong
me: to each his own
friend: yeah but like you spelled tots...like tater tots
me: TO EACH HIS FUCKING OWN
friend: BUT YOUR WRONG
me: YOU'RE
friend: fuck

Introducing: Zombie Baby

2010-10-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hello, world. This is my small brother, Rex. This weekend he was bitten by a zombie. 30 seconds later he became a zombiebaby. He tried to bite me but it didn't do anything because I'm already a zombiebaby.

Ghosts Have Boy Problems Too - monologue

2010-10-21T13:53:00.001-07:00

"Ghosts have boy problems too"
by Cait Raft

ghost girl:
Ever since I died people have been so rude. It's like, hello, just because I'm dead doesn't mean you have to walk all over me..and through me. I can't get an apartment because, like, who's going to rent to a fricken ghost? Y'know? Also I have bad credit. Apparently bad credit doesn't go away when you die. So I've been living at this one guy's house and he's really cute. I've been trying to get his attention by haunting him and stuff but I'm pretty sure he isn't catching on. I've tried everything with this guy. I've written him messages in blood on his mirror, I've layed in bed with him and watched him sleep, I've even made books fly out of his bookshelf. What do I have to do to get a guy's attention! I seriously feel invisible around him. Which is actually pretty normal for a ghost, but still. I just want to make out with him! Why are all the good guys still alive?? Or gay? Seriously the ghost dating pool is crap. Unless you find someone who died by good old fashion suffocation or lethal injection or something, most dead people are gross.

Papa Paparazzi

2010-10-11T08:19:00.001-07:00

Retainer painer

2010-10-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

I just started wearing my retainer again after a 5 month vacation from the device. I don't think anyone's ever been in as much pain as I am in right now.

Being a receptionist is hard

2010-10-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

Many people think that being a receptionist is the most difficult job in the world. Many of those people work in my office--a place where I sometimes take on this most challenging task. Sure, It isn't the easiest thing to do. Like, I'm pretty sure it would be difficult for a dog, maybe even a lohan. But, once you figure out how to press buttons then you're pretty much an expert. Not to brag, but I think I'm a pretty capable receptionist. I buzz people in. I sign for packages. It's not my first love, but it's a career I would consider pursuing (if I lacked a college education/passion for anything).

This note is dedicated to
- The man who congratulated me by giving me an "ok" sign after I buzzed him into the office

-The man who made sure I heard the (very loud) buzzer and checked that I knew what it meant.

Children of our Lives

2010-09-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

Monologue

2010-09-22T05:44:00.001-07:00

I need to work on characters that don't sound exactly like myself. oh well. Here's some work I'm doing for my new screenplay...a campy horror movie

Character Monologue - Alexis Dulmage

I want a smoothie or something. I can’t stop watching episodes of America’s Next Top Model. I feel like my eyes are going to fall off. I feel like I haven’t moved in so long. I lost five pounds because whenever I’m hungry I can’t decide what I want and then by the time I do I’m too lazy to get up and get it. But, y’know, losing five pounds is never a bad thing. I’m tired and thirsty. I have a history test tomorrow but I can’t study because they are about to show cycle 11 and it’s the only cycle I haven’t seen. Flaming hot cheetos dipped in cream cheese. The thing that sucks about not having a life is like when you’re laying down on your stomach watching movies on your laptop and then your foot falls asleep and then your arms get sore from typing and then you switch positions but then your neck gets sore. Laying around all the time isn’t as easy as it looks. Someone new just started following my tumblr. I wish I didn’t have to go to school. I feel like everyone hates me and I know that sounds melodramatic or whatever but I mean, they’d have a pretty good reason. I just can’t deal sometimes. What am I supposed to do? What do normal people do? I can’t look at any of my old friends. I don’t hate them, I just can’t look at them. Every time I eat anything I secretly hope that I’ve quickly developed a fatal allergy to it.
Sometimes I really fucking hate myself.

Toilet: Twilight Parody

2010-08-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

I made this video for a child acting camp I work for.