In the past, TNT has shown the World War II drama Saving Private Ryan unedited. But family rights groups are opposed to the realistic depiction of profanity and violence, and therefore are asking for the film to be censored.

A new trailer has been released for a happier, less bloody version of Spielberg’s classic film. In it, the soldiers go ahead and skip the whole Normandy beach thing and start looking for Ryan immediately.

Spielberg has shown enthusiasm for the edited, cheerful version. “Ever since I reedited E.T., replacing police officers’ guns with walkie talkies, people have been enthusiastic about the bowdlerized versions of my films.”

Parents’ groups are raving about this new version, now titled Where’s Private Ryan? They are claiming it is the best family movie since Space Buddies. It gets four halos out of five from The Family Coalition.

Michael had a strong Venus/Uranus complex?? This explains everything! Buy an IQ Membership on InfiniteQuest.com to resolve more of life’s impenetrable mysteries!

Just when you thought celebrities were too wise and all-knowing for this world—case in point: Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP—television psychic John Edwards unleashes something EVEN WISER and ALL-KNOWINGER. Because InfiniteQuest.com is not merely a comprehensive resource for all things supernatural—pooling resources from our nation’s preeminent astrologists, numerologists, physics, and bullshit specialists—it is foremost a mystery solver, the Sherlock Holmes of the human condition.

So in the aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death, while news networks were busy flooding the airwaves with the well-reasoned conjecture of good-lucking biographers and academics, John Edwards turned to celebrity astrologer Alan Oken.  This was an infinitely wiser decision.

Tuned into the Ivy League posturing of Anderson Cooper, I bet you didn’t stop to consider that all the enigmas of Michael Jackson’s personality—enigmas informed by years and years of public scrutiny and private suffering—can be explained by the fact that Jackson was born under the rising sign of Gemini. What does this mean, exactly? It’s complicated. But totally makes sense! In the words of Oken:

“I’ve studied his life, and I’ve studied the charts that are available, and I believe [Michael] had Gemini Rising. Because Gemini is the sign of the puer aeternus, which is Latin for Peter Pan, the Eternal Youth. It is also a dual sign, and Michael was a very dual person. On the one side, he was this incredible creative genius, and the other side he was a rather sick and disturbed human being.”

First of all….CRUEL! Does everyone know that Michael was a “sick and disturbed human being?” Yes. But do you have go and say it like that? NO. Alan Oken has already crossed the line from learned celebrity astrologer to malicious, gifted hangers-on.

Second, praise be to Alan Oken for figuring out that Michael Jackson was a “very dual person.” You know, just like you and I are very singular persons. I mean, you certainly couldn’t perceive Michael’s duality just by looking—this much is true! But there is yet more wisdom to be imparted.

“I want to point out too, that he has a Chiron on the cusp of his Tenth House, and Chiron is known to astrologers as “the wounded one,”—the “Wounded Healer”—and I think that Michael’s wounds were so obvious that they brought from his fans, compassion.”

And here I was all this time thinking Michael’s wounds were a result of years and years of emotional abuse and harsh criticism from his strict and overbearing showbiz father. But really it’s that pesky Chiron, always trying to weasel his wounded self into people’s Tenth Houses. The answer was right in front of us all along! But to continue…

“Michael’s sexuality, as we know, was for some not ambiguous at all—it was very clear. For others, it was shady and ambiguous. In any event, if Mars, the symbol of sexuality, was in the Twelfth House…[Mars] talks about hidden sexuality—a sexuality which is not obvious.”

To summarize Oken’s argument: Some people (little boys) knew the deal with Michael’s sexuality. Others (blind/deaf people) did not. This can be all be explained by the fact that Mars never is never shutting up about hidden sexuality. In case you don’t know what the word hidden means, it means “not obvious.”

“At the time of Michael’s death, Mercury was conjunct ascendant, meaning that there would be a lot of news about this man. Now, whether the news had to do with his life or with his death, the point is that the day before, and the day of, and the day after, this would show a great deal of public information being spread and shed about Michael’s life.”

So let me get this straight: The day before, the day of, or even the day after Michael Jackson’s death, public interests would both publish and circulate relevant information about his life. Because in the world of Astrology, it’s too reductionist just to say, “All the time, the public is interested in news about public figures.” Also, it is important to note that the news could either be about his life OR about his death. It could not be about, say, Michael’s prehuman existence as an immortal spirit, or “thetan.” Which is actually something that people who watch Crossing Over could say with a serious face.

“Also, Michael has a uranus conjuct venus…..”

What???

“…..which traditionally, is the astrological indicator of homosexuality. That doesn’t mean that everybody who has a strong Venus/Uranus aspect in their horoscope is gay. But it does mean that everyone with a strong Venus/Uranus aspect does have “interesting,” shall we say, relationships—relationships that are out of the ordinary. Whether they’re heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual, there is an urge within one’s sexual orientation towards the unusual.”

Oken is definitely onto something here. Because if when he refers to relationships that are “out of the ordinary”, he means relationship with your father’s bastard offspring, child actors, monkeys, matronly movie stars, sparkly gloves,  and fictional storybook characters, then yes—those are pretty interesting. Also, sux for you if you happen to have a Venus/Uranus aspect. Because this means you’re either gay, or you’re sexually attracted to the Unusual—regardless of whether this Unusual is of the same gender or of the opposite gender. Or of the opposite species. Or of glove.

“I also feel that at the time of his death, he had a Saturn-opposing moon, which continued on for the next ten days or so, and my sense is that there would have been a lot of family difficulty had he lived, problems with his siblings concerning his career. I don’t think he would have been able to put forward the plans for his 50-concert tour too easily. I think there would have been a great deal of difficulty in getting that off the ground.”

If Oken was on the right track before, he’s really hit the nail on the head with this one! I mean, who else would have figured out after the fact that Jackson’s 50-concert tour was going to be difficult to plan and organize? It’s just a shame he didn’t think to speak up about this before Jackson’s death—it would have saved a lot of people a lot of trouble.

Also….are we seriously expected to swallow this bullshit?? TROUBLE WITH SIBLINGS WHAT??? It’s widely known that throughout his life, Jackson maintained a loving, drama-free relationship with all his siblings. Also, HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE FROM A SATURN-OPPOSING MOON BEFORE THIS MADNESS WILL END????

IN CONCLUSION: John Edwards’ InfiniteQuest.com provides knowledge so indispensable to your spiritual journey that if you want to avoid the fate of Michael Jackson, you MUST sign up immediately with an IQ MEMBERSHIP (read: NOT FREE MEMBERSHIP).

In an interview on “Today,” Jermaine Jackson said, “he wish he was the one who died,” sad thing, the rest of the world agrees.

As for the child molestation cases, Michael was accused of Jermaine Jackson was quick to say, “I’m Glad It Wasn’t Me.”

But if it was Jermaine Jackson and it wasn’t Michael Jackson we’d still be hearing about Farrah Fawcett’s passing and the loud ass man that yells and wakes you from your sleep, if you happen to leave the T.V. on. The next morning you have no idea why you just have to have some OxyClean.

Also there wouldn’t be 24/7 news coverage, no Breaking News. His death would follow the Breaking News of a police chase on an L.A. freeway. “And in other news, one of Michael Jackson’s brothers has passed away.” They wouldn’t even mention his name.

But if Jermaine was somehow lucky enough to even get a video played on one of the music video channels that has now become RTV, Reality Television, videos like this would play over and over again.

This is the future of flying.  Between the taking off your shoes, taking off your belts, and the See Through X-Rays that TSA will soon be using.  We will soon be flying the friendly skies naked.

Arrive at the airport in your bathrobe.  Then the choice is yours to either keep it on or off during the flight.  This man has the right idea, he’s just a little before his time like most geniuses.  So for now he can wait it out in a mental institution like Sarah Connor until the day arrives, and we realize that flying naked is the right thing for our country’s security.

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.

Gary Coleman’s wife was locked up for Domestic Violence.  She allegedly broke household items that belonged to Gary but he wasn’t harmed.  When asked about the incident Gary Coleman said, “Whatcha talkin ’bout Willis?”

Apparently, someone in Japan implanted a chip in my brain to spy on me and steal my dreams for profitable movie ideas. Bonus points to those who recognize the background music, or have seen Tokyo Gore Police. Oh, and some of this is a little NSFW, so if you’re looking for a way out of your job, rock it loud.

What’s the best way to boost a company’s morale? By having “Naked Friday”, of course. A design and marketing firm in Newcastle brought in the help of David Taylor, a business psychologist, who suggested the idea. When asked about the idea, David said “Inviting an organization to go naked is the most extreme technique I’ve used, aside from Russian Roulette Mondays at another firm. That one didn’t pan out as well as I had hoped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s brains are blown out the back of their head, right?”

As weird as it sounds, most of the staff were willing to participate. Their were only two employees that opted to keep some secrets to themselves, a male employee who wore a “posing pouch” and a woman who wore black underwear. If you don’t know what a posing pouch is, it’s essentially a g-string. When asked why the employee even had a posing pouch in his possession, he declined to comment.

The house manager, Sam Jackson, was the only woman to not keep her goodies in the jar. “Now that we’ve seen each other naked, there are no barriers. It made sexual harassment that much easier. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner.” Jackson goes on to say “It was a very titillating experience. We were able to completely honest with each other and not be asshamed. As a result, employees have been hard at work. The company has improved massively.”

Status Update: Jess Levith is no longer on Facebook.

Facebook, you can eat it. You’ve proven to be even more toxic than Myspace. Sure, you guise yourself as the conservative, responsible, even MATURE social networking web site. One that my grandmother feels comfortable logging onto before her morning vitamins. But you are evil Facebook, and I must now bid you farewell. You and all of my 465 friends.

Too many quizzes.Too man ex-boyfriend-is-newly-engaged-announcements. Too many high school bullies that have made a 12-step amends to me and want me to forgive them for hanging me over the second floor banister. -I hate you Facebook. You’ve wasted my life!

Sure, i’ve tried to quit before, and was soon lured back by a “Gary’s written something on your wall”, or a “Kathy’s commented on your picture”. -But, never again! No way Facebook. I just can’t do it. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me punch a pillow. You’ve… -Wait… Wait, hold on I’m getting a text… Colin Gregory just poked me? I haven’t spoken to Colin in ages! Maybe… -Maybe he wants to hang out? I should reactivate, just to check this one thing out…

Word has it that Richard Dawkins, figurehead of the atheist movement and author of such books as The God Delusion and You Must Be Retarded If You Disagree With Me , has helped found a summer camp.

Camp Quest will feature such camp activities as rock climbing, kayaking, lessons in rational skepticism. In teaching skepticism, Camp Quest has coined a game entitled the Invisible Unicorn Challenge, in which campers must find a way to argue that, just because they do not see it, the invisible unicorn that could, in all probability, surround their every move, does not exist. (This is not, in fact, a joke.)

Perhaps the most controversial of the activities that Dawkins plans to implement is the “Better Know Your Relatives.” The activity, centered around the Darwinian theory of evolution, involves a camper, a cage (but, do not fret, heavily surveilled) room, and an orangutan.

“The purpose of the exercise,” Dawkins stated in an interview with National Lampoon, “is to reconnect the present with the past. We will be able to render irrelevant the ‘missing link’ by studying the ever-evolving relationship of the child and his feral ancestor.”

Dawkins’s camp is coming under heavy fire from multiple different groups, including PETA, numerous Christian organizations, and most notably, normal, intelligent people, who are just as indisposed to take kindly to atheist dogma as they are to religious dogma.