We didn’t do much, really, but it was lovely. We went for long and energetic walks (and ached afterwards as only two out of shape people unfamiliar with the concept of “fresh air” can), and then spent the rest of our time wandering into town with the family, or making nests out of duvets, pillows and chairs in the windows seats with a view of the sea. I read from Lolita (now 50 pages in, it’s a slow business this reading aloud malarkey), and we watched an entire season of Hustle (well worth a watch, as it happens!).

A particular treat for us both was getting into little Fowey on Monday evening, and treating ourselves to dinner in a restaurant that turned out to be quite a discovery. I’ll actually do a formal review in the “Foodiness” category at some point, but the restaurant is called “Sam’s“, and despite it being a Tuesday night off-season, it was packed with people queuing for tables at the bar! We soon realised why - the food was delicious! That and a delicious bottle for Chilean Sauvignon Blanc, and we were happy campers! It was wonderful to be relaxing and spending time in each other’s company, flirting and being unbearably sweet.

Anyway, a selection of images – it really is a picturesque area, and the weather held out enough to let us enjoy it to the full!

Thank heaven, spring is coming!

The perfect picnic spot

The beautiful sunset

Surreal Tree of Life

Beautiful sunny Fowey

Then I ate it. It tasted good too.

The flavour was very well-rounded (snort snort, giggle giggle)

Enjoy (it looks good in full screen too, but you may be told off for the accidental noises you make… nom nom nom).

p.s. from a geekery point of view, you have to respect the ad makes behind this. Simple sex-appeal, undressed(teehee) and pure. Works every time. Plus, great camera skills and lighting.

There is the skin, and the hair, and the face, and the body. There’s the things I do in my head – the fact I’m not funny, the fact I worry, the guilt I feel. The untidiness of my room, the character flaws, the fact I avoid my jobs and my tasks. There is, on nights like that, no end of horrible things to hate. To think about and to worry about.

The fact is, really, that right now I am depressed. I am currently studiously avoiding this fact, hoping that this is just what winter feels like. This is, after all, my first winter off anti-depressants in a long time. In time, hopefully, I’ll learn how to deal with the long dark nights of winter without this dreadful inertia, the fear and the paranoia. In time I hope this won’t be how I feel.

Don't judge yourself too harshly

Despite all this negativity (and let me take a moment here to state I am not seeking validation), the extent of the self-loathing last night made me realise something. This can’t go on. Normally I am actually pretty positive about my body image – about me in general. The second realisation (I didn’t sleep for a long time, cogs whirring and turning in my mind) was that I can’t be the only one who gets moments like this. Hours like this. Weeks like this.

Weeks where even the favouritest (I’m grumpy, don’t tell me that’s not a word!) dress appears ugly. Where the swiftest glance in a mirror reminds you why you hate yourself. Weeks where despite all your knowledge, preparation and education falls by the wayside, leading you to declare yourself fat, and ugly, and simply not enough.

And it simply isn’t right. Taking action against it is hard (anyone who has ever experienced depression in any of its forms will know this – you are your own greatest enemy), but we simply have to do it. We can’t let issues, and dismorphia, and freaky skewed mental processes tell you that we aren’t good enough. People love us. People want to hold us, to touch us, to be around us. We have family, and friends, and lovers. We have great clothes, and crap clothes, and sometimes we look simply wonderful. Other times we just want to wear baggy jumpers and laze around and eat pizzas, and dare I say it but that is OK too. It’s fine to be us, there is nothing to hate.

If it is still getting to you, do something. Force yourself. Make yourself. Make someone else make you, if all else fails. Whether you go for a walk at lunch, go for a run once a week or just tidy your room, it will be worth it. But if it doesn’t happen, and all you can do is curl up in bed and ask for a hug, then that’s alright too. We can’t be all things to all people.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is this: we’ve all been there, each and every one. The main thing to remember is it passes, you’re lovely, and right there in that self-loathing second, you’re wrong.

[image: source]

1. How old are you in five years? I’ll be just a little off 30 – that’s something of a milestone, isn’t it?!
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? My colleagues, lots of banter and fun and quite a lot of working (yes siree)
3. How tall are you? 5 feet 8 inches
4. What is the last movie you saw? The Descendants – actually a lovely, emotional and intelligent film, and I think an Oscar-winning performance from (the always delectable) George Clooney.
5. Who called you last? Andy, from the car, because we’re lazy.
6. Who did you call last? Probably the dear mother, although if I’m honest I can’t really remember…
7. What was the last text message you received? This is a depressing one – it was from Orange, trying to make me watching movies on my mobile. As my HTC has the memory capacity of a retarded goldfish, this ain’t happening.
8. Do you prefer calling or texting? Emails are actually my favourite, but as that isn’t an option I think my antisocial side sees the advantage of a quick, impersonal text.
9. Are your parents married or divorced? Neither, actually. How’s that for awkward? They’re ex-hippies who never saw the point, and they are still happy and together 30 odd years down the line.
10. When did you last see your mother? I can go for a while without seeing my parents, as they live all the way down in Devon, but I actually saw both parents on Saturday, in the beautiful Burton-on-the-Water.
11. What color eyes do you have? Grey. I like them.
12. When did you wake up today? Andy’s alarm goes off at 6.30. This hurts. Semi-functional squinty-eyed me emerges at about 10 past 7, to dress and attempt to master speech.
13. What is your favorite Christmas song? In terms of it actually being beautiful, Silent Night. For sheer entertainment, I can listen to “The Fairytale of New York” year round…
14. What is your favourite place? I have a serious, heart-wrenching, spine-tingling love for the whole South Island, New Zealand.
15. What place do you prefer the least? I have a deep hatred for LA. Deep.
16. Where do you think you will find yourself in ten years? In my own beautiful house, hopefully with a couple of kids, successful and happy and nesting.
17. What scared you about the night as a child? Generally the lingering mental image of whatever scary film or book I had partaken in that evening. Being chased by the velociraptors from Jurassic Park (now one of my favourite films) was a regular nightmare.
18. What made you really laugh last? I laugh a lot, about silly things. I think I was probably being tickled by Andy, or no doubt I’d made some silly goofy joke that I found hilarious.
19. How big is your bed? Double with a king size duvet. I don’t really need any more, though I’m not sleeping great at the moment so I get stressed about pillow quality…
20. Do you have desktop or laptop computer? I live and die by my poor poor browbeaten laptop. It tries its best of perform, but generally suffers through abuse and violence and unrealistic expectations. We’re not a happy couple.
21. Do you sleep with or without clothes on you? What strange wording, it makes me feel like a ought to sleep beneath a pile of dresses. But in all seriousness, it depends on a number of factors!
22. How many pillows do you have in bed? Four, 6 when propped up watching TV, but my neck gets cranky if I have more than one when sleeping!
23. How many counties have you lived in? Not many, to be honest… I grew up in Devon, went to uni in Lancashire, and settled in Warwickshire
24. Which cities have you lived in? Tavistock, Lancaster, Leamington Spa
25. Do you prefer shoes, socks or bare feet? I love me a pair of shoes, the prettier the better. However, if I’m honest the most natural state for me is bare feet, I’m a tough soled outdoorsy type at heart!
26. Are you social? I go through phases – at the moment I’m struggling seriously with staying above water so I’m avoiding social contact (yet craving it, one of life’s great paradoxes), at other times I am far more social!
27. What is your favorite ice cream? Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked
28. What is your favorite dessert? Half-cooked brownie… or Queen of Puddings
29. Do you like Chinese food? Aye, that I do, though there are other ethnic foods I’d prefer.
30. Do you like coffee? I became addicted in Sydney, which felt like coffee capital of the world! Now I get headaches if I don’t have it, which I keep catching myself wearing like a badge of honour.
31. What do you have for breakfast? Nothing during the week except from coffee, and a nice cooked breakfast and espresso at the weekends!
32. Do you sleep on a particular side? It always used to be the left side, until I realised the right side was better. Even more amazingly, I’m now a cuddler. It’s quite lovely!
33. Can you play poker? I have played it… and lost. Turns out a group of genius’ and engineers are all rather good at it…
34. Do you like to cuddle / snuggle? I never used to be a cuddler, but now I enjoy hugging. With Andy I treasure the fact that I can  make him calm and happy with a single touch, and that he can do the same to me.
35. Are you a dependent person? Fiercely independent, most of the time, but easily switched over into sharing life with others. I’m always a bit perplexing like that.
36. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Nope…
37. Do you have children? I don’t. The plan, in a world where plans don’t work (and where it is better for it), is to have them by the time I’m 30. Two, preferably. I’ll read to them, surreptitiously encourage them to eat the occasional worm, and climb trees with them. The relationship I’m in at the moment, they’ll be building kit cars by the time they’re three.
38. Do you know any other languages than English? I can read French and understand basic conversation (though it’s been a long time since I spoke any) and I have a GCSE in Italian (I can remember how to buy a bus ticket).
39. Have you ever driven an ambulance? I’ve been in one, but I can’t drive…
40. Do you prefer the ocean or a pool? I am utterly at home in a pool – swimming was my childhood and the scent of chlorine and sound of splashing as cathartic to the extreme.
41. What do you spend any money on? Shoes, books and DVDs
42. Do you have precious jewellery? I’m not really a jewellery person, so I don’t have any!
43. What are your favorite shows on TV? Trueblood, Star Trek, and more…
44. Can you roll your tongue? Yup. Me’s gots my playground skillz.
45. Who is the funniest person you know? I can’t think of anyone, my mind has gone blank. Yet, I laugh so much!
46. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Kinky! No, I don’t. I have stuffed animals on my bed at home, but none of them are mine!
47. What is your ringtone? I don’t know, it’s always on vibrate. I feel I’m bringing the tone of this meme down, somewhat.
48. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? I have a pair of beautiful tie-dye dresses from Bali that I wore when we went around the world, and which I intend my daughter to wear.
49. What are you closest to you right now that is red? Dresses, shoes, cushions…
50. Do you flirt much? Not in a sexy way, but I tend to joke and tease with anyone and everyone, and it has been interpreted as flirty. However, get me trying to come onto someone and, without meaning to, I become the anti-flirt.
51. Can you change the oil on the car? I don’t drive, so I’ve never done it, but yes, I know the theory. I’m also gradually teaching myself the ins and outs of cars.
52. Have you received speeding ticket ever? I don’t run that fast.
53. What was the last book you read? I’m currently reading 1984, and am reading Lolita aloud to Andy.
54. Do you read a newspaper? Not regularly (I never seem to have time to finish them), but if I do then it’s The Observer. That “i” looks like an interesting rag too.
55. Subscribe to a magazine? I subscribe to Elle, mainly for the intelligent writing and debate. I used to subscribe to New Scientist, but didn’t have time to finish them each week. If only they did a monthly round-up!
56. Are you dancing in the car? One of my greatest achievements in life (I never did go far) was being told of for dancing so hard that the (moving) car was bouncing.
57. Which radio station did you listen to you last? Radio 1 and Heart, both of which were on during my lift home (but I can’t remember which won out). Personally I’m a Kerrang girl.
58. What was the last thing you scribbled down on paper? A lyric about chasing rainbows through the spray in my AWESOME Pacman diary, inspired by the low winter sunshine yesterday.
59. When were you at church last? Not being a fan of organised religions, churches ain’t my forte. I probably wandered into one to look at the architecture…
60. Are you happy? Right now? Hard question. I’m suffering winter, and spending a lot of time, crying, and angry, and freaking out. Where I am in my life, however, has left me happier than I have ever been before. I’m very lucky. Yes, I’m happy.

My reaction to all this prettiness is to crave grunge. To desire edges, and roughness. To wish for mottled black fabrics, rips, studding. I want the 90s back, grit and all.

Because I don’t think I’m the only one for whom a combination of spring fashions and the evils of dark winter have induced a “grunge vibe”, here are some of my favourite pieces for the ideal attitude:

Tie-dye skinnies - £45, Topshop

Studded top - £12, Dotty Ps

Leather waistcoat - £73.75, Twenty8Twelve (Outnet)

Tie-dye dress - £72, Cairn Wester (ASOS)

Wedge boots - £22, New Look

Slouch jumper - £37, Miss Selfridge

Except, I may not be an economist or a politician, but I am a woman. I am one of a few key target groups (alongside people with disabilities and people who aren’t “white Caucasian”) for whom positive discrimination potentially stands to work to my benefit or detriment. From this angle I am, of course, an expert.

The premise is this, and it ain’t a new one. Prominent figures have gone on record as saying that, in recruitment, if a male and female candidate are exactly comparable in every way (past experience, qualifications, interview standard) then the woman should be given the job over the man. The idea is to ensure that women are given opportunities to work within management and senior management, to even up the undeniable unbalance of gender in the upper echelons of companies and businesses. The woman, due to her gender, should be positively discriminated against as an under-represented group within the business. This can apply to ethnicity too, but for the purposes of my life and this post, I’ll focus on gender.

From the Times Higher Education website:

The Equality Bill, which proposes a number of changes to discrimination law, has been presented to Parliament. One proposed change is the introduction of the right for employers to take positive action when selecting between two equally qualified candidates. This would permit employers to base their recruitment decisions on, for example, sex or ethnicity where there is under-representation in the workforce of that particular group and they are faced with two or more equally suitable candidates for an available role. While this would represent a significant departure from the current legal position, the Government has made clear that it is not intended to allow automatic selection of under-represented groups and that “selection on merit” will remain the overriding principle.

Where do I stand on the issue?

I don’t like it. I am, perhaps naively, always in favour of a meritocracy in the workplace. I like to think that if I am good at my job, I will progress. The idea that I would ever be favoured because of my gender seems, to me, to be as abhorrent as the idea that being a women would prevent me from getting a job.

I need to mention here that I am not stupid. I know that sexism still exists – I’ve encountered it in my job, though never with my company. I accept that there is something to be said for the fact that women don’t seem to be offered the higher management and executive jobs, that evidence indicates the glass ceiling is still lingering, all be it occasionally with a crack or two here and there. I know this needs to change, it simply shouldn’t be anywhere close to existing anyway in this modern world.

However, I still feel that any sort of discrimination, whether positive or negative, is bad. It seems counter-intuitive to the overall cause, and I worry that by giving equality a kick up the ass by favouring skilled female candidates you may delay the process in the end. Say, theoretically, you employ a woman. A woman with all the right experience and skills, granted, but a woman who in this instance fails to deliver what the job required. The conclusion (inaccurately but perhaps understandably) is far more likely, after positive discrimination, to be that the failure to deliver is because of gender. It would be, in this situation, the easiest go-to.

Perhaps I am being paranoid. But I know the world, I know how easy it is to fall back on an excuse rather than to look at the details, and the moment you draw attention to labels, to social distinctions, it makes it far easier to blame those same labels if the situation doesn’t work out. And if this does happen, it may actually end up setting the equality cause back a good long way. Is it not worth putting up with slow but steady progress to know that the benefits and improvement are organic and thus more real. Supported in everyday life, and thus more permanent?

It’s an interesting debate, and one that I could quite happily discuss for hours – seeing both sides of the argument, if I am honest – but definitely coming down “against”. I could cover many other aspects too – the fact that “vibe” is forever underestimated in HR-approved “criteria”, that experience and skills can’t tell you if someone will suit the job, in just the same way that gender can’t, and that positive discrimination may further hinder the attempt to employ the emotionally right person (the person whose sense of humour will fit the team, for instance) in favour of the politically correct person. A general (but less argumentally sound) feeling that this just isn’t a good idea. Plenty of things!

Where do you fall?

[image: source]

Andy doesn’t really read. He loves books, he loves words, but he’s a busy, physical, practical boy. Time feels better spent down the barn, with tools and a car to butcher and piece back together. His hands need to be constantly moving, solving problems, creating things that I couldn’t even imagine doing. There is the perseverance of him, the tenacity, the fact that every word needs to be read, thought about, understood, before moving onto the next one. It’s demanding.

I am much more emotional with my reads. Whole chunks of text can be read in an instant, impressions and feelings are more important than specifics. I devour books, race through them, gallop to the end. Sometimes, I must admit, I miss things.

So, we’ve started  a new routine. For both of us. I read aloud. To me, to him, out loud and with plenty of stumbling, and re-reading, and the gradual building of confidence, the application of tone.

And it is wonderful. He hears stories he never would have before, tucked up next to me and warm with it. I see parts of the tale that I missed before. I appreciate the turns of phrase, the linguistic choices, the lilting lifts and falls in the prose. Books blossom before me. It is sensual too, intimate somehow, like a deep cultural connection is growing between us. The listening and the sharing buoys us. When it is cold and dark and miserable outside, I am grounded by the sound of it, the words in my mind that are tripping off my tongue.

Oh, but it is a pleasure.

The current read: Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov

The food looked so good that we made it for dinner, without a recipe. And it was gooooooood.

So, without further ado, Nigel Slater’s delicious beef and beer casserole with apple sauce (and bread for dipping!). It’s not exactly as he did it, but it’s good and nom-worthy!

Mm, butter

Meaty!

Ingredients:

• Decent quality steak (none of this casserole beef!)
• 2 onions, chopped
• A rich, non-bitter bottle of beer
• Mustard
• Extras – salt, pepper, thyme and a little cream. I also bunged in a garlic clove chopped in half. I’m a garlic fiend.

You also need chopped (unpeeled) apples, butter and some mixed spice.

Method:

Start off by browning the seasoned steaks in butter, leaving them pink inside. Set aside in the casserole dish to rest.

In the brown and sticky pan, slowly fry the onions until the are soft, brown and sticky.  Then pour in the beer, add the fresh thyme, and season more. Stir through a big big spoonful of mustard and another of cream. If I wanted a thicker sauce rather than one to soak up with bread I’d add some cornflour, and if I’m honest I actually think a bit of posh chicken stock would have made a richer, meatier flavour. Oh, the controversy. Simmer until reduced to your desired thickness. Pour over the beef, pop on the lid, and bung in the oven for an hour.

The apple sauce is intrinsic. Honestly, this wouldn’t be even close to its current sumptuousness without it. I’m talking rich and meaty and deep with the cutting acidity of apples, the sweet tang of cinnamon. And it is sooo easy.

Chop the apples. Soften in hot butter in a pan with a sprinkle of mixed spice until they turn onto crazy puffed creatures, then mash up with a fork, slightly aggressively. Done. Honestly, done.

I don’t know why I’m writing to you now. I’ve been in plenty of relationships with shoes before, after all. I’ve had long term love affairs with simply beautiful pairs that have treated me well. I’ve fallen out of love with pairs that seemed so pretty at the beginning, but which failed to fulfil me in the end. I’ve had angry fiery break-ups after weeks or even months of maltreatment, after sore toes, twisted ankles and brutal blisters are all I’ve left to show  for it. I’ve even battled on through mind-numbing boredom, knowing that those orthopaedic heels may turn out to be worth it in the end.

Now, however, I’m in a bad relationship. One of those pairs that I knew, right from the beginning, was a bad idea. I can’t, after all, wear them every day. They aren’t the sort to sit down with me after a hard day at work and comfort me. Instead, they’ll take me out drinking, flirt with other girls, and get me the sort of drunk that leaves me with a hangover of epic proportions. They always, without fail, leave some other hapless pair of shoes to pick up the pieces. They are too narcissistic, too bold, too self-obsessed. They’ll wear me once and throw me away.

My ill-advised romance...

The problem is, you see, that it’s worth it. Just look at them. The leopard print, the oh-so-fashion-forward cut-out wedge. The towering curve and the sensuous lacing. They’re worth the damage, just to say I’ve worn them. And sure, these Jeffrey Campbell’s will throw me wasted by the roadside when they’re done with me, but to wear them once is enough. To fend off the questions, the jealously, the outright admiration from the ranks of girls in simple black stilettos and average clogs. And sure, I’m judged when I’m with them – I’m seen as wild, as irresponsible, far too “out there” – but for every breathless second of 6 inch oblivion, I simply can’t resist.

Dear Agony Aunt – please help me. How do I stop?!

In hope,

Addicted, Leamington Spa

Disclosure: This post is an entry for the Sarenza Brand Ambassadors competition