Some days we need to call a time out; hit the pause button and ask the world to slow down – if only for a moment. Rushing from activity to activity, we can forget where our foundation is built or what it is trying to support.

Mondays blur into Wednesdays which become Fridays in secretly appreciative warp speed. There have been more Fridays afternoons than I care to admit when I thought, “I made it.” Translated: I buried my head and didn’t take the time to see what was more important.

The busyness of our lives can lure us into thinking that activity equals progress.

No more.

I want my Wednesdays to be as glorious as my Sundays. I want to find the pieces of me that seem to disappear sometimes. I want to lose myself in what I love once again.

Falling back in love

Losing ourselves is more of a state of mind than it is a destination. It is in place we see the real reason for the busy lives. For me, the reason is a simple one – there’s still more to do before I go.

But to nurture what I love, I need to lift my head to see what I’ve been neglecting; I need to take better care of the things that are more important; and I want to fall back in love with these things once again:

• Getting in touch with what’s under the surface after asking my family, “How was your day?”
• Choosing kindness over convenience
• Finding hope in all circumstances; even the difficult ones
• Enjoying every afternoon run as a reminder of the strength I have left; and not the strength I have spent
• Writing from my heart and not for a deadline

And after lifting my head, I will practice the art of losing myself once again by:

• Giving myself permission to hit the pause button
• Making time to be still and listen
• Savoring the creative flow when it’s rushing through me
• Taking time to appreciate exactly what I have
• Celebrating each success

Sometimes the simple path to the art of losing yourself begins with rekindling the passion for what you love and then allowing yourself to fall back into its comforting arms once again.

Losing myself to what I love will take me back to my foundation. My foundation is a place of hope, faith and a reminder of the beautiful things that I have right now, and the things yet to come.

What is A Simple Path?

This post is in A Simple Path, a twice-weekly series of short pieces inspired by my own life experiences. Each post is a simple path to experiencing something wonderful: maybe seeing life from a different perspective, or celebrating its beauty. Click here to read all posts in the series.

If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others. – Dalai Lama

Dr. Kristin Neff was teaching a workshop I recently attended about self-compassion.

She had the workshop participants get into pairs and sit facing our partners. Then, one person closed her eyes while the other looked at her and silently repeated a loving-kindness meditation Dr. Neff shared with us.

I didn’t know the person I was paired with. But, as I looked at her and silently directed the meditation toward her, I felt waves of compassion and kindness and even love for her.

We switched roles and as I sat with my eyes closed, I could feel the same kindness and warmth coming from her.

After a short break, we were then directed to close our eyes and repeat a meditation designed to provide compassion toward ourselves.

As I repeated the words internally, my inner critic started up. She had been quiet during the loving-kindness meditation directed toward another person, but now she was wide awake.

“You don’t deserve to be safe and healthy and peaceful.” “Who cares that you might have been wounded when you were a kid? Quit being a whiner and suck it up.”

Afterwards, Dr. Neff asked us, “How many of you found it more difficult to be self-compassionate than to feel compassion toward another person?”

The majority of hands in the large audience went up.

The four myths of self-compassion

She went on to explain that when the Buddha taught about being compassionate, he often had his disciples get in touch with the compassion they felt for themselves so they could direct it to others. This was effective and appropriate for his time and culture.

But, Neff said, in our culture it’s the opposite. We – women especially – are conditioned to put the other person ahead of ourselves, sometimes to the detriment of our own ability to be kind to ourselves.

Why is this? Why is it so hard to have compassion for ourselves?

I think it boils down to four myths that are actually not true:

1. Self-compassion is selfish
   We are taught to care for everyone else but themselves. Self-compassion can thus be seen as selfish, that taking care of yourself means you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing: taking care of someone else.

   But ask yourself in all honesty: How can you take care of others with loving-kindness and authenticity if you haven’t established those things for yourself first?

2. Self-compassion is indulgent
   “If I’m nice to myself and let myself off the hook all the time, won’t I just become lazy and self-indulgent?”

   Um, no.

   Because, as Dr. Neff explains, self-compassion is about your health and well-being while self-indulgence is about getting anything you want when you want it without thoughts of well-being.

   Self-compassion is about noticing and being with your pain. Self-indulgence is about numbing and denying your pain.

3. Self-criticism motivates you
   Many of us have a subconscious belief that listening to our inner critic or engaging in other kinds of self-criticism is what motivates us and keeps us in line.

   While it’s possible the inner critic evolved to perform this function, you don’t need it anymore. Being self-compassionate gives you the confidence you need to motivate yourself.

4. Self-compassion is wimpy
   In our individualistic society, you are supposed to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and tough things out. Be kind to yourself? Quit being such a wimp!

   Again, self-compassion actually serves to heal and strengthen you. It is, in fact, the strongest and most resilient among us who have the courage to be kind to themselves.

Three ideas to generate self-compassion

Kristin Neff is a researcher at the University of Texas at Austin and has spent the last decade gathering research about self-compassion. In her book, Self-Compassion, she outlines three ideas to generate compassion for yourself.

1. Practice self-kindness
   Imagine that a friend comes to you and is devastated because she lost her job. Would you say to her, “Quit whining! You need to stop being lazy and get out there and get another job”?

   No, you wouldn’t. (But your inner critic might say that to you if you were in her position.)

   You would probably give your friend a hug and say, “Oh no! That’s terrible! You must be feeling awful. Let’s go get some coffee and talk about it.”

   When you hear your inner critic go on a rampage, stop and ask yourself, “Would I speak to my friend like this?”

   Talk to yourself as though you were talking with a friend. Self-soothing practices are also healing and generate self-compassion. Just as you would give your friend a hug, embrace yourself by placing your hands on the opposite shoulders and squeezing gently.

   Or find the place in your body that is holding your pain. Is it your heart? Your stomach? Your toes? Place your hands lovingly on the spot as you think about your pain and say kind words to yourself. “Oh, sweetheart. This is really a hard place to be right now. This really hurts.”

   Touching your own skin actually releases oxytocins that give you a sense of comfort and well-being. So don’t be afraid to soothe yourself as you would a friend, your spouse, or a child.

2. Remember your common humanity
   One of the reasons it can be hard to be self-compassionate is that, as human beings, we tend to feel isolated within our own experience. This isolation leads us to believe that we are the only ones who have a particular flaw or weakness in our personalities. Thoughts like these then result in feelings of shame and self-doubt rather than confidence and compassion.

   The important thing is to remember that we have a shared humanity. We all are flawed, we all make mistakes, we all have weaknesses.

   And again, just as you would have compassion for a flawed friend, it’s okay and necessary for you to have compassion for yourself.

3. Practice mindfulness
   Mindfulness can be defined as paying attention to what is happening, while it is happening, on purpose.

   Rather than running away from or suppressing pain, mindfulness allows us just to be with these feelings as they are. So, the next time your inner critic starts up, just notice him and what he’s saying.

   Notice your feelings. Have no judgment toward either of them. Remember that self-compassion isn’t so much about getting rid of the pain, but to be with the pain in a way that is kind and loving toward yourself.

Pre-flight safety demostration

Finally, I want you to visualize this: You’re sitting on a plane and, as it begins to taxi, the flight attendant starts the safety review. You’re so used to this that you hardly hear what she’s saying.

But I want you to pay attention to something she says that is very important: “Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs.”

In order to be most present and compassionate with others, you must first practice loving-kindness and compassion with yourself.

Go ahead. You deserve it.

Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. – Author Unknown

This week my 13-year-old daughter has been dealing with a tragedy. On Tuesday, she spent the day consoling her best friend. When Emily returned home, see came into our bedroom, curled up in her mother’s lap and let the tears fall.

Mary Beth knew exactly what to do.

Death’s sting

Death’s sting is being felt in my corner of the world.

But the tragedy isn’t stopping the community from coming together to offer relief to a family’s pain. There’s no question Mother’s Day will be bittersweet as one mother grieves while the other mothers hold onto their children a little tighter.

While this week’s heartbreak doesn’t make sense, one thing has been made painfully clear: The way of a mother isn’t measured by the number of recital concerts attended; the way of a mother is measured by how often she covers her child in love and then crawls inside so the child never feels alone in this world, or in the next.

After what I’ve witnessed this week, I believe fathers share a part of their child’s heart; mothers share a part of their child’s soul.

My hope on this Mother’s Day is that my corner of the world can remind the rest of the world that the love of a mother is one the most beautiful thing God creates.

If that happens, then maybe something good can come from this tragedy.

A sense of blessedness comes from a change of heart, not from more blessings. – Mason Cooley

How often do you ask why when something is happening or has already happened?

The cause for things happening can have multiple reasons and asking why is your mind’s need to make sense because confusion and uncertainty can feel unsafe, unpredictable, and painful.

Answers give relief

We ask why to understand and to regain control so we will know what to do. We ask why because we often look at life circumstances as problems or bad things.

When we do things we regret, feel shame, or beat ourselves up for, we wonder, “Why did I do that?” Or “Why didn’t I do [fill in the blank]?” We want to know so we can fix things or fix ourselves so next time we will do things differently and not repeat the past.

We want life to make sense

How often have you gained insight into what causes you to do or feel something and you keep wondering why that pattern is still alive within you?

We want life to make sense

Guess what?

It doesn’t.

At least not in all the ways we are accustomed to thinking and understanding. Seeking to understand yourself with the curiosity of a child opens pathways for growth and inner healing.

Why?

Growth can be a great starting point that can rapidly become a “sticking point.”

Learning to ask different questions

I’ve been on my own healing journey for quite some time. I’ve endured a financial hardship that has impacted my business and my personal life from 2009 – 2011. This circumstance has profoundly transformed me.

Asking why I created that situation, why it was happening and the many others whys I could have asked would have only inflated the anger I already felt towards myself, God, and LIFE!

Instead I asked different questions such as:
- How is this situation serving me to grow and heal?
- What is this situation challenging me to do or be that I have resisted?
- What qualities might be cultivated from this experience?
- What do I need to let go of?
- What is the gift and blessing in this experience that I can also share with the world?

Looking at my life situation from a higher perspective strengthened my courage, faith, and trust and brought me closer to God. My life is filled with abundance, love, and Grace. It always has been. And so is yours!

When you look at all that is happening as healing and growth opportunities, life takes on a deeper meaning.

If you have done a lot of inner work and see familiar patterns still alive within you, it is because each time we expand into the next level of our expression, stuff held more deeply within ourselves rises to the surface to be acknowledged, felt, accepted, and released.

Some of what you might be feeling may be part of your service to the world to heal pain for others who cannot do that for themselves. Remember that we are all one.

Your own inner healing, heals the world

I believe that all things happen for a reason. Every prayer is always answered and help comes in the forms that serve us in the highest way to grow and “wake up” to who we are.

Letting go of the need to know the “why” invites faith and trust to grow.

Be open to see the perfection of your life. Let go of any whys you might be struggling with and be open to opportunities for deeper faith and trust. Tune your eyes to see some of the hidden gifts and blessings you might be overlooking.

And then say, “Thank you.”

Every now and then our baggage can surface when we least expect it.

Shame, resentment, bitterness, and guilt can pop up and surprise us. Our baggage seems to glisten even brighter when we try to look away. Before we know it, the things we have left in the past are standing before us – taunting us with their presence; stealing our happiness.

Wine, friends and a surprise attack

Mary Beth and I went to another couple’s house for wine, food and conversation last night. After a busy month promoting my book, I welcomed the chance to enjoy some Merlot while reconnecting with friends.

In the course of rewinding our lives, Mary Beth mentioned my brother died last October. I could feel the tension swell the more I talked about Eric’s death.

To help me deal with losing my brother, I’ve been seeing a grief counselor. The counselor is helping me reframe how I feel; she’s helping me leave my guilt on the ocean floor: Why did he lose his leg and I didn’t; why did he struggle financially and I didn’t; why did he die so early and I didn’t?

But I didn’t do well dealing with his death last night. Last night the guilt ascended from the ocean floor and swept me away. The surprise attack was complete.

A Sunday morning prayer

As soon as the sun peeked through the curtain, I woke. With Mary Beth still sleeping, I stepped quietly to the kitchen. I poured a cup of coffee and headed to the deck. Rain was advancing from the west while the sun was beaming in the east. Conflict was mounting as nature waited for resolution. I felt caught in the middle.

My thoughts returned to last night. A moment of simple enjoyment was interrupted by guilt’s stealth attack. Tired of what the guilt has been costing me, I closed my eyes and said a prayer.

I prayed for my brother’s soul. I prayed for peace to be with him, forever. And I prayed for my guilt to be left on the ocean floor – forever.

Sometimes the simple path to leaving our baggage on the ocean floor begins when we grow tired of the sneak attacks, the conflict it creates and the happiness it steals.

After praying, I sat a few moments longer enjoying the final sips of coffee as I watched the rain settle in from the west. The conflict was over.

A resolution had been reached.

What is A Simple Path?

This post is in A Simple Path, a series of short pieces inspired by my own life experiences. Each post is a simple path to experiencing something wonderful: maybe seeing life from a different perspective, or celebrating its beauty. Click here to read all posts in the series.