It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes. – Sally Field

Article written by BridgeMaker contributor Ali Hale. Please visit her at Aliventures.com.

I wasn’t a very confident child or teen. My family moved house when I was ten years old, and I didn’t make new friends easily. I was overweight, wore glasses and had a “posh” accent, both of which made me a target for school bullies. Yes, it all seems a bit silly now – but I remember how much it mattered at the time.

If you read my blogs or even meet me, you probably wouldn’t think I lack confidence. But you’re seeing what’s on the surface. Like many people, I’m still struggling to throw off some false beliefs that got lodged in my head during my adolescence – and I expect that this is the case for most of us who struggle with self-confidence.

Three big false beliefs for me were – and in some ways still are – these:

• I’m not attractive
• I’m useless at practical things
• I don’t have enough experience

I’m Not Attractive

I was overweight during my teens, and almost invariably wore baggy t-shirts, sweaters and sports trousers in an attempt to hide my figure. I wasn’t hideously obese or anything – but it wasn’t just the “puppy fat” which my parents thought would vanish.

Teenagers being what they are, I ended up feeling unattractive. I didn’t see the point in making any effort to change my appearance.

How it Changed…

When I got towards the end of school, something “clicked” and I decided I wanted to lose weight – initially for health’s sake, rather than to look better. I lost around 30lbs and went off to university feeling much more confident in my own skin.

What I’m Still Working On

I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) a couple of years ago, which finally explained some symptoms which I have – like a tendency to put on weight around my middle, and a fairly high amount of body hair. Both still bother me, and I’m working on accepting the fact that my fiancé couldn’t care less!

I’m Useless at Practical Things

I’ve never been particularly good with my hands. I’m fairly unco-ordinated (and bad at most sports) and I’m generally clueless when it comes to fixing anything around the house! I was always good at academic subjects like English and Maths at school and awful at metalwork, woodwork and so on.

I also have a tendency to be lazy: I hate to struggle with things which I’m not good at, and prefer to give up.

How it Changed…

When I left home and went off to university, like many young adults, I found myself learning about a lot of things like cooking and laundry! I became more confident that I could follow basic instructions perfectly well. I even have a photo of the desk I managed to assemble from a flat pack a few years ago (I wanted proof to show my family … )

What I’m Still Working On

I’m slowly getting more confidence with things like minor bike repairs (I’m talking really minor things here, like putting on a new inner tube). I’m getting more used to looking things up on Google where necessary. I’m also – slowly – developing more patience when something goes wrong. Each time I learn something new, I gain a little more confidence in myself.

I Don’t Have Enough Experience

As a teen, I wasn’t particularly interested in getting a job. A few friends had part-time jobs in shops and so on; I did a bit of babysitting occasionally, but that was all. When I was applying for summer jobs as a student, I was worried that my lack of experience on my resume would mean that no-one would want to employ me.

In fact, I ended up getting the first job that I went for: it was only data entry, but I was proud and surprised that I’d managed to get it – and this was a real boost to my confidence.

How it Changed…

Since then, I’ve become more able to focus on the experience which I do have. I’ve found that it’s easy to discount some areas (such as my church, where I do all sorts of things from admin work to leading children’s groups) because they seem so natural to me.

What I’m Still Working On

I’m a freelancer now, which is very different from applying for corporate jobs: very few people ever care about seeing a resume. However, I’m also trying to break into fiction writing, where I find I can lack confidence – I’m taking an MA in creative writing and have had a few short pieces of fiction published over the past years, though, which has given me more experience and confidence.

I’ve found, over the years, that I’ve grown naturally in self-confidence by trying new things, by focusing on the positives – what I can do and what I have done – and by learning to rise above negative voices, whether they’re real people in my past, or my own internal critic.

I’ve still got some way to go (and I suspect most of us do), but being self-confident isn’t just about being happier and enjoying myself more … it’s also about being empowered to do my best work in the world. I know that it’s worth persevering and I hope that, if self-confidence doesn’t come easily to you, that you’ll find yourself able to do the same.

Ali Hale is a freelance writer from London in the UK, and is currently taking an MA in creative writing. She writes for a number of sites, including her own Aliventures blog which focuses on getting more from life.

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Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself. Hermann Hesse

Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.

There was once a simpler, quieter time. There was a time before your cell phone would regularly light-up with text messages, email notifications, Twitter updates or Facebook statuses. This time has been taken over by the seemingly urgent, but it has not fully disappeared.

Somewhere waiting on the other side of Smartphones, televisions and the internet is a place called stillness. In this place, you will find peace, relief and a chance to re-focus. Finding stillness is not a science, but it is becoming a lost art. Once reclaimed though, stillness can add more value than any modern-day communication device.

What is stillness?

Stillness is a state of complete awareness. It is a place to reconnect with the knowledge and truth of your own spirit. Stillness allows you to search for the answers and it’s a place of calmness and certainty. However, in addition to the contemporary forces working against stillness, there are some traditional ones, too:

• anxiety
• stress
• selfishness
• depression
• anger
• regret
• hopelessness
• greed
• envy
• fatigue
• guilt

Recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with each one is the first step to finding a place where serenity, along with some self-healing, can be found.

Finding stillness

Breaking through the noise requires conscious effort – and practice. The following techniques will help you begin learning how to move into a place of sustained and nurturing stillness.

• Practice being dead quiet.
  Doing nothing might feel uncomfortable because your habit is the opposite. Staying connected is the new expectation. But to find stillness, complete and dead quiet is needed.

  Rather than just shutting down without first telling your co-workers, friends and family, consider setting an auto-responder on your email and changing your Twitter and Facebook statuses to let folks know you will be out-of-pocket for a while.

  With these strategies in place, it’s time to turn off you phone and power down your computer. Practice sitting and doing nothing. Allow thoughts to come to you without pushing them away. Sit with your feelings, memories and daydreams. Take-in the dead quiet and then listen for the truths it will be whispering. These truths will be things that will touch you deeply because they will feel natural and right.

  Stillness provides the opportunity for you to reconnect with you. Behind the cleaver Facebook statues is someone who wants to get it right and have your heart’s desires. Sometimes a small dose of connection is needed so you will not forget who the real you really is.

• Recognize the signs working against stillness.
  The traditional obstacles to stillness (listed above) are warning signs that your mind and body are not in alignment. When you mind is at unrest; so is your body. Pay attention to the nights when your sleep is interrupted; the days you are irritable and the times you fall into a rut and can’t seem to pull yourself out.

  All of these are signs pointing to the need for finding stillness. A word of caution: If the conditions noted in this list continue to worsen and thoughts of self-harm enter your mind, contact a spiritual or mental health care counselor immediately.

• Look for balance.
  Understanding that your responsibilities may prevent you from disconnecting on a regular basis, look for a balance of what you can achieve, and when, as it relates to finding stillness.

  You may not be able to step away from your email during the day, but what about for 30 minutes in the evening? Your expectation to be available at all times may not be shared by others. In other words, it’s perfectly reasonable to have some down time each day – but it’s your responsibility to give yourself this.

  Look for balance. Look for the appropriate times when you can sit and do nothing; even if it’s for only a few minutes. Balance is about reasonableness and looking for the gray in a world that is not always black and white. And in the gray, when you close your eyes, stillness is waiting.

• Take advantage of the ordinary.
  Stillness can be found in ordinary daily events. While it’s optimal to put yourself in a state of dead stillness (as note above); this may not always be practical. Instead, look for opportunities to practice stillness as you go about your day.

  For example, during your commute to and from work, turn off the radio or eject the CD and allow your car to be filled with silence. Use this time to center yourself and reflect on the day to come or the day that has passed. When standing in the grocery store check-out line, capitalize on the fact you can’t do anything but wait and then focus on the preciousness of a still mind.

  Your day will present ordinary moments you can turn into extraordinary moments of stillness when you make the commitment to see these opportunities in a quieter way.

• Stillness as the antidote.
  Recently I had a bout with a nasty stomach flu. The day the flu hit me, I was already at work. I had no choice but to leave and return home where I climbed back into bed. With my laptop still in its bag and my cell phone left in another room, my body found the rest it needed to begin healing.

  The next day was not much better. Anticipating this the night before, I sent an email to my co-workers informing them of my condition. I didn’t sleep as much the second day because I discovered that my body wanted the most was stillness.

  The past few months have been difficult ones. Commitments to my family, commitments at work, and commitments to my blog have left little in the tank for me. Though I do allow myself to become overly-connected to email, social media websites and to the internet, the traditional barriers to stillness have been taking a significant toll, too.

  Fatigue, anxiety and stress have kept me from finding some nourishing peace. As is typical with my body, it shuts down when I don’t pay attention to the warning signs. Last week, it said no more. It said stop and re-group. Resting in bed allowed my mind to focus on what I was missing and what I needed.

  There in the quietness and with the afternoon sunlight streaming through the opened blind and onto my bed, I was able to find stillness once again. In that moment, I knew the antidote to my flu symptoms wasn’t the anti-diarrhea medication I was taking, but allowing the light of love, gratitude, awareness, certainty and peace to wash over me again.

  Finding stillness has reenergized me and has given me the strength to see my world in a different way. While my family, career and blog are important to me, they really don’t mean much if I’m not in a place to enjoy them. Remembering to turn down the volume in my life is helping me focus on something just as important – the well-being of me.

A place called stillness

In this place called stillness a simpler, quieter time is restored. Your focus shifts from the immediate and to the permanent. You are given the time to explore more than just what’s in front of you.

In this place called stillness you can look beyond your email’s Inbox or Twitter feed and all the way to your heart. Once you get there, stay for a while. Ask questions, think through problems, and dream anything you wish.

Stillness provides knowledge and the opportunity to slow down and enjoy the life you are creating without the expectation to reply right away. In this place called stillness you will find a resting place for your soul.

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Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. – Dr. Seuss

Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.

The next time you are attending to someone’s needs, or diving headfirst into a project for work or making certain your responsibilities at home are not slipping, do something just as important as these things:

Stop and celebrate you.

How often do you forget, or neglect, to acknowledge the things you do or the gifts you offer? Lost in the busyness of the day is a part of you that needs some attention, too. You are worth the same amount of effort you put into everything else. You are worth even more than what you sometimes give yourself.

So, it’s time to stop and celebrate you.

The beautiful you

Even though I don’t know you, I do know I often forget to celebrate me. My hope is these things will give you the encouragement to take a deeper look at the beautiful you, and then celebrate:

• Celebrate your soul’s awakening the day after you felt like giving up.
• Celebrate when you hold on to your strength, and faith, during tough times.
• Celebrate the compassion you show.
• Celebrate how far you have come and where you are going.
• Celebrate the goodness of you.
• Celebrate when you give yourself exactly what you need.
• Celebrate the fact you don’t to have do anything else to earn a place at the table because you already belong.
• Celebrate the incredibly gentle power of your love.
• Celebrate not trying to have all the answers, but just trying to get it right as you find your way.
• Celebrate the purpose-driven life of you.

Listen to your heart

Go to your peaceful, safe place. Once there, breathe in and listen to your heart. It is telling you to be kind; to be comforting and to be the biggest cheerleader for you.

Your heart is telling you that you can’t continue to be all things to all people without saving a little for yourself. It is telling you to take in the light that surrounds you and want good things. Want the same peace, security and hope you provide others. Want your soul to be well, alive and loved.

Listen to your heart. It is rooting for you, praying for you and loving you. Receive your worthiness and let it pour over you. Soak in your value and then join the celebration.

Celebrate your power, your awesomeness and your one-of-a-kind spirit.

Celebrate the beautiful you.

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Communication works for those who work at it. John Powell

Article by BridgeMaker contributor Ralph Jean-Paul. Please visit Ralph at Potential2Success.com.

I have had many passions in my life. If you were to ask my parents, “When Ralph was a kid, what did he want to be when he grew up” they would probably respond with a long list of professions ranging from a doctor to a basketball player. Even though I have had many of interests and involvements, communication has a special place in my life.

I’ve always liked the idea of communicating ideas and thoughts. Whether it was through music, writing, art, or the spoken word, I have always been attracted to the concept of communication. Although I appreciate the many different forms of communication, I’ve fallen in love with verbal communication. Great sermons inspire me, creative song lyrics intrigue me, and nothing stirs me more than engaging in a meaningful conversation.

For me, speaking to an audience is one of the most fulfilling feelings that I have ever experienced. Whether it is a group of students or business professionals, I love verbally communicating my knowledge and experience to an attentive group of listeners. Rarely will I turn down a chance to speak in public. When I discovered that I could combine my gift for speaking to an audience with my desire to help others; I found my passion and purpose

I began speaking in 2005 after I realized that I didn’t have a fear of public speaking. All of my speeches then were on the topic of confidence and persistence. One night I visited a local Toastmasters club. I sat down and a lady next to me introduced herself.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ralph Jean-Paul”, I responded.

“Wait!” she said “I know you!”

She grabbed my arm and quickly walked me out into the hallway. Then she began telling me about how she saw me speak a few months earlier and that the speech changed her life. She began crying and explaining how thing have been hard for her. She told me that my speech helped her not to give up no matter how hard things got and no matter how many times she failed. She thanked me over and over again. At that moment, I knew exactly what I should be doing with my life.

Along with my personal development speeches, these days I also give talks on entrepreneurship, and internet marketing. But no matter what I speak about, I always include motivation and inspiration to the audience. I realize that I have the opportunity to say something that may change someone’s life.

The Courage to Communicate

Have you ever been in a meeting and wanted to voice your opinion about something, but didn’t? When you were a child in school, did you ever have a question but were afraid to raise your hand? Most of us have. Expressing our thoughts can be difficult at times.

Many people fear what may happen if they share their thoughts. Some people feel that there will be negative repercussions if they voice their thoughts, opinions and objections. Some feel that they will be judged or laughed at for speaking up. So instead of saying what needs to be said, they hold it in.

We should never be afraid to share our ideas. Communicating our thoughts and ideas is beneficial to us as well as others. Withholding what needs to be said may make matters worse. The truth is a lack of communication is at the heart of most of the problems we face. Many people complain that there isn’t enough communication in their workplace. Good marriages are based on communication between spouses. And, one of the best parenting methods is to keep the lines of communication open with your children.

Since effective communication is so important, we should be constantly working to improve those skills.

Communicate effectively

Imagine a world where everyone was communicating effectively. A world where politicians kept no secrets and answered questions directly. A world where relationships where filled with people talking about their problems instead of holding them in. A world where the cable company calls you if they are going to be late to your appointment. That’s the kind of world I want to live in one day.

Since effective communication is so important to me, I work diligently to enhance those skills. When I am preparing for a speech, I will often record myself and then listen to the recording over and over again. I make subtle changes in the wording and emphasis in order to be sure that my message is understood.

During my daily interactions I am also constantly working to make sure that I am speaking loud and clear. That means that whether I am talking to a friend, client, or person at the pick-up window, I am speaking clearly. When looking at all of the important areas of your life, being able to communicate effectively will dramatically improve them all. Here are some ways to improve the way you communicate.

Listen. This is the number one skill needed to communicate effectively and surprisingly, the most overlooked. We are sometimes so concerned about being heard that we fail to listen to what others have to say. Becoming an active listener can make a world of difference in the way you communicate.

I like to ask follow-up questions just to be sure that I understand. During a conversation or discussion, be sure to ask the other person to clarify if you do not fully understand what they are saying. Avoid making assumptions about what was said. By listening closely you minimize the chances for miscommunications to happen.

Observe. When I give a speech or presentation, it is important that I observe how the audience is reacting to me. What the audience is doing helps me determine what I do next. For example, if I see more heads nodding in agreement on the left side of the room, then it is time to work the right side. The audience is communicating with me all throughout my speech. As long as I am observing their reactions, I know exactly what I should say and do in order to connect with them.

In your daily communication with others it is important to be observant. When you are conversing with someone pay close attention to their body language, voice tone, and other subtle messages. It’s easy to miss the messages others send if we are not paying attention.

Be clear. Clarity is something I strive to accomplish when it comes to communication. Whether it is speaking or writing, delivering a clear message is my goal. Even if the person we are talking to has known us for years, it is still important that we be clear when we communicate with them. Creating a habit of being clear with everyone will minimize occurrence of miscommunication.

Be Easy to Talk To. Keeping the lines of communication open is very important. Become the type of person that people feel comfortable approaching with their questions and concerns. Being easy to talk to means being helpful and understanding when someone presents a problem.

Ralph Jean-Paul is not only committed to his own personal development, but he is also committed to the personal development of everyone he comes in contact with. To learn more about Ralph, please visit Potential2Success.com.

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I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time. - Calvin & Hobbes

Article written by Alex Blackwell. Connect with me on Facebook.

Expressing love to our partners, children, family and friends not only strengthens communication it also improves connection and intimacy. Too often we get distracted by the trivial and forget how important it is to nurture our relationships.

Finding simple, but heartfelt ways to love each other is a source of encouragement for the giver and the receiver. By loving consciously, we discover Love is the force that puts the world back together when it feels like it’s coming apart. It provides a sense of contentment and gratitude deep in our hearts and is the voice that tells us, “Everything will be okay.”

Consider these ways to love each other and help create a world where beauty and grace can fill the hearts of everyone willing to give and then receive Love’s gentle power:

1. Don’t wait to say, “I love you.” Tell someone today, right now.
2. Tell your child you believe in her or him.
3. When you ask a question, listen to the answer.
4. Leave an unexpected note.
5. Admit when you are wrong.
6. Do what you say you’re going to do.
7. Be generous with compliments and judicious with complaints.
8. Forgive, let go and move on.
9. Smile when someone touches your heart.
10. Prepare and share a meal together.
11. Tell your parent one thing he or she did that inspired you.
12. Treat a friend to lunch.
13. Seek to understand first, before asking to be understood.
14. Hold onto a hug one moment longer than expected.
15. Be an encourager.
16. Show patience, even in your busiest moment.
17. Help a friend find something that has been lost.
18. When someone is on your mind, pick up the phone and let them know.
19. Tell your wife how much you love her every night.
20. Tell your husband you are proud of him every day.
21. Be faithful to your partner even when you think Temptation has made its case.
22. Pray together.
23. Turn on a light to interrupt the darkness.
24. When asked for feedback; give it honestly, but with compassion.
25. Never forget the love you have been given; treasure it; respect it and hold onto it.
26. Put your child’s needs ahead of your own.
27. Show respect and expect respect in return.
28. Be comfortable in the silence.
29. Grab a work-out together.
30. Let your wife know you would marry her again.
31. Read to your child.
32. Extend a hand when there is a need.
33. Make time to just play!
34. Don’t gloat when you are right.
35. Let them see you being vulnerable; it will validate their own vulnerability.
36. Call your mom or dad often and offer some real insight into your life.
37. Climb the mountain and then enjoy the view together.
38. Never use love, or the threat of withholding love, as a weapon.
39. Be the rock in the storm.
40. Remember the words you use can encourage and they can hurt, too.
41. Do the right thing, always.
42. Be the first to stand up for your child.
43. Look for opportunities to make a loved one’s day a little easier.
44. Say, “Thank you.”
45. Open your heart to receive a loved one’s best effort.
46. Carry your friend; but know when it’s time to put him down.
47. When angry, think about how your words will be received ten minutes into the future.
48. Linger at the dinner table after the meal has been eaten.
49. Know when to offer space and respect boundaries.
50. Remember that everyone deserves a second chance.
51. Go for a walk and leave the iPods at home.
52. Diffuse embarrassment with laughter.
53. Be willing to fall in love with your partner over and over.
54. Leave work at work.
55. Receive the compliment – it’s a gift created especially for you.
56. Your children hear everything; give them something worth repeating.
57. Speak your mind, but with a tender heart.
58. Share. Honor. Trust. Love and then repeat.
59. Provide a safe place to rest.
60. Notice the small things and recognize them.
61. Cover your partner with more of what they want.
62. Trust a friend.
63. Don’t offer or try to fix a loved one.
64. Place your partner’s hand inside of yours.
65. Laugh together.
66. Call when you are running late.
67. Watch home videos or look through family photo albums together.
68. Take the good with the bad.
69. Ask your child for his opinion.
70. Save enough energy for a good-night kiss.
71. Compliment your partner in front of others.
72. Become the loudest cheerleader.
73. Live in the here and now with those closest to your heart.
74. Tell your loved ones what they mean to you.
75. Be a model for healthy living.
76. When your partner comes home stop what you are doing and greet her.
77. Demonstrate self-acceptance and self-love.
78. Wait for the “rest of the story” before coming to an opinion.
79. Make the relationship a priority.
80. Show your gratitude.
81. Refrain from expecting perfection.
82. Be generous with your most valuable resource – your time.
83. Help a loved one to feel special on their birthday.
84. Love each one for who they are today.
85. Solve problems together.
86. Let them see the real you.
87. Cry together.
88. Let a loved one know that he or she is making your life better.
89. Do the unexpected.
90. Choose true connection over mediocrity.
91. Never insult your spouse, child and friend.
92. Plan a family night.
93. Know when to disconnect from the computer and re-connect.
94. Give gifts from your heart.
95. Acknowledge your partner’s worth.
96. Stop trying so hard to be the perfect parent and just be who you are.
97. Lift up your friend.
98. Let your parents know you will continue the positive family traditions.
99. Remember the art of patience.
100. Simply love and love simply.

Where is #101?

The list ended at number 100 because I invite you to share in Comments (below) your ideas. There are countless ways to love each other and I would love for you to add to the list.

If you are reading this article as an email subscriber, click here and then scroll down to the Comments area to share your idea. I’m looking forward to reading all of the 101s!

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