The "Committed" Mom

Never Stop Praying or You Might Get Hit with Dog Poo

2016-03-24T01:41:00.001-04:00

Ive alluded to the fact in recent blog post that I have been struggling, that my family has been struggling. Struggling with depression, struggling with finding joy and laughter again, struggling with my sin issues and struggling with my son's sin issues. I know I've mentioned it before, but all three of my children were adopted and all three are blessings from the Lord. I don't doubt for a single second that He took great time, great care and hand picked these children to be in our hearts and lives forever. Though not of our blood, these three kiddos couldn't be any more like us than if they had been. (Good and bad)
As an adoptive parent there have been several conversations my husband and I have had (and some in my head) over being qualified for this task He has given us. Things like "Really God? I've got no skill training in this area- I've never owned a 3 and 1/2 year old before (I saw owned jokingly) how does this work? How do we do this? How do we handle that? But we understand none of them, not even the ones born through us, come with instruction books. So on this front, we share the battle lines with ALL PARENTS in general.
But being an adoptive parent also brings its own special conversations, that biological parents can relate with but it's got a slightly different twist. Conversations about failing our kids. We think things like "God if these kids were of my blood, would this be different? Would they be different? Would this struggle be happening if they weren't adopted? Is it Nature or is it Nurture, meaning are they this way because of the way we raised them (screwed them up) or is this because of their DNA and how they are wired? (Screwed up on their own with history)
Don't get me wrong, I know we are all screwed up and none of us even come close to perfection in the parenting department, but sometimes I feel like I am really making a big mess of things. I feel like these poor kids might have had a better life chance, if they were with other more spiritually mature parents. Parents who always know the right things to say and how to say it- not like a screaming, cursing fool that I can sometimes be. Parents who are way more grounded in scripture and can whip it out whenever it's needed to encourage and build up. I am not saying this is right thinking by any means, but I am being honest here and these are the thoughts I've (we've) had. Never in a million years did I have a thought that parenting would be easy, but I can also say honestly, I never thought in a million years that it would be this hard either. Nothing prepares you for the big things, when Satan throws those life crushing blows. There is often no warning of when he drops a giant bag of dog poo on you and lately my family has had an awful lot of poo dumped on us.
Here is what I understand with all of this so far, here is what God has been teaching me.
God is a good Father. (Matthew 7:11)
He is the creator of all living things. (Gen 1)
He loves all of His creation (regardless of how we feel about certain things- like mosquitos and murderers). (Gen 1)
He is the Alpha and Omega. (Rev 1:8)
He loved the world so much that He gave His only Son (Jesus), that whosoever shall believe in Him will not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
God loved us so much, in that while we were still sinners-He loved us and died for us! (Rom 5:8) All of us. All....of....us! He didn't wait for us to get clean and make things right by ourselves- He took us dirty, wretched, and sin filled.
God doesn't want perfection from us, He is perfection for us.
He was the ONE and only PERFECT parent- and boy did His kids really screw up! (Gen 3)
So if God was perfect and His kids were screwed up, than why do I think my parenting should be perfect when I am so far from perfection? Why am I so hard on myself in my ability to parent, when I am only able to parent out of what I have learned along the way and who He has wired me to be? If I proclaim that I am not a fit parent for my kids, am I not blaspheming God and telling Him He was wrong to pick me for this job? See this is where He gets me every time....Wait for it.....If I am trying to be God, why do they need to know Him? If I am trying to be everything to them and fix it all, why would they go to God? If I am my kids savior, why do they need a Savior?
Basically- I need to get out of the way and let God do what God does. I need to allow God to work through me without trying to take over and be in control and believe me, I love to be in control (well the illusion of it anyway)!
My job as a parent is to guide, protect and pray for my kids. I don't know if you have seen the War Room, but that movie has inspired me in how I am now tackling parenthood. We are in war against the dark principalities out there. The evil that seeks to destroy and annihilate families. The evil that wants to crush the hearts and lives of all who proclaim that Jesus is Lord. But we have the power, God has defeated this enemy and in the end WE WIN with Christ. The enemy can attack and he can cause some devastating pain- but God is always in control!!! It is our job to raise our voices and claim our families for the Lord. It is our job to pray against and rebuke the attacks of the enemy.
I have been in battle for my son's soul for almost 3 years now. The enemy is a prowling lion (1 Peter 5:8), waiting to devour my son- using his weakness and his struggles to attack him spiritually, emotionally and mentally. He thrives off knowing my son feels defeated and cannot get past his struggles. My 12 year old son is ready to give up because he thinks, this is all there is. He feels life will never get better and things will always be the way they are now. This son of mine, who was abused significantly the first 3 1/2years of his life, whose mother made a choice to give him up- but keep his brothers. This son of mine who was exposed to pornography at the tender age of 9 and who was introduced sexually to things he had no business being exposed to. The son who now struggles with some very adult issues that are causing a great deal of pain and problems in his life. His choices have lead to great heart ache and great sorrow on a level that I don't wish on any parent or family. But I have a hope for my son and that Hope is Jesus!
I realized that after watching War Room, that I had a calling for 2016. This year I am called to be a warrior for the Lord. Which is kind of cool for me because I always wanted to be a Charlie's Angel, but God's Warrior Chick is so much cooler! I am called to stand against this darkness and fight. (Eph 6:10-18) Some battles we pick, some we have no say in joining, regardless of that choice I need to put on His full armor and walk bravely into the war zone. I am called to the battle lines and stand firm in my faith. I am called to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God. (Micah 6:8) I am to come boldly to the throne of Grace and ask God to help me (Heb 4:16), not attempt to do it in my own strength. Most importantly I need to be on my knees and never stop praying for anyone and everyone God brings to my mind (1 Thess 5:17).
I realized tonight just how important that last statement is. When things were bombarding my family- when the bags of poo were being flung without warning, I was on my knees, face down, prostrate before the Lord. I was crying out to Him regularly and battling daily. I was a woman on a mission, a woman who vowed not to give into the enemy and allow him to steal her family away. I was journaling, I was singing worship songs, I was growing a deeper faith with each challenge that came my way. I felt strong, I felt empowered, I felt there was nothing that God couldn't do! And then....
The bags of poo stopped, see the enemy knew I was prepared for them so, he came with a new attack a more subtle approach. I got prideful, I was like "Yea- take that Satan- you can't take me! As for me and my house we will serve the Lord- HA! How you like me now Satan? I can take it, cause I have the Lord-mmmm!" Peace began to emerge, things quieted down and my husband and I started to breath again. I didn't feel like I was constantly looking over my shoulder for what was coming next. I began to relax, a little too much. I started noticing I wasn't on my knees as much. I wasn't in battle so I was good. Life is good God, I am good. But I could hear the whispers, day after day- "Nina, come back. Sit here with me, I've got work for you." I would smile "Alright Lord, I'll be there in a minute- I've got to rest awhile. I've got to decompress. (Facebook, mindless brain numbing shows and games like Candy Crush Jelly)" I was good at decompressing, I liked it. I didn't have to think to much, or worry to much. God continued to call and I kept saying "I'll be right there Lord, tonight I will make time....(zzzzzzzzz)" Well God maybe tomorrow. My prayer life didn't stop, it just got...lazy. I got lazy.
What happens when we get lazy? Sneak attacks!! I should have seen him coming- but I was not on guard. I was not prepared. I was not fully awake at the post and he sucker punched me with dog poo again! I won't lie, I did get angry, really, really angry. Angry that it happened again, angry that it happened on my watch, angry that I was the one who let the enemy in. I could blame no one but me. I let complacency set in and take over. Complacency was Satan's subtle approach-His crafty secret weapon. Complacency was wrapped in comforts that I liked and I fell for it! But what Satan didn't know is that I have a new favorite saying "Not today Satan, not TOOOOO-DAY!" and rather than beat myself up over it and shame myself (which is how I used to deal with things) I saw what God's lesson was for me and I asked for His forgiveness and I went back to my post. I didn't stay where I was or wish I had made a better choice and whine about my mistake, nope I cleaned myself off and I realized that when I stop praying, no one is protected and the moral of the story is: Never stop praying or else you just might get hit with dog poo.

Joy, SONshine and Pain

2016-02-14T00:11:00.004-05:00

My last blog I spoke about the darkness of depression. Even as I type this, I can feel it hovering around me on all sides. The darkness is just waiting for me to acknowledge it, it wants me to focus on it because when I do, I give it power. Do you understand what that feels like? Has there ever been a time when you could feel the weight of the darkness around you, waiting....waiting...waiting.

Before, if I looked at it, I would become paralyzed and not know what to do, how to feel or act. In the darkness, fear gripped me, my vision was stolen from me and I felt like I lost control. The air was always heavy and I noticed I would breath slower, not intentionally but rather instinctually, because in darkness sucker punches come from anywhere. That was before.

I see you darkness, I can recognize you and I understand what and who you are. Today, you are around me and I am able to see because of the Light. With Light there can be no darkness.

So I say it again, I see you. I see my enemy and I am choosing not to give you power. Today I am going to share how I choose to deal with my pain, today I am going to give God the power to use my words to give life to someone else. I do not give permission to the darkness to take this pain, I do not give it permission to overcome me or devour me. Today, I claim this feeling of darkness, this pain that is deep in my soul and I give it the Lord's plan and His purpose. Today I consider my trial, my pain, a gift and I rejoice in my suffering.

James 1: 2-4 (The Message)
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

James 1: 2-4 (NLT)
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

I did not always feel this way, because honestly, who in their right mind considers pain a gift? Is that something you would give to someone? Valentine's Day is today. How many of you are planning on going out and doing something that will cause pain to your loved one and then say "I love you babe, Happy Valentine's Day"? Insane right? America is sold on the idea of love and happiness and what it should look like. We say love shouldn't hurt, if someone makes you cry then toss them aside and find someone new. We want effortless relationships, we think this is natural right? Relationships aren't supposed to be hard, if they require effort they must not be worth it then right? Why do most people walk away from marriages- because they aren't happy.

Admit it, you have people on Facebook you have de-friended because they make you angry and they don't agree with your political or social thoughts and viewpoints. They say things that make you mad and make you shout obscenities at the screen (Props to the people who don't use swear words, God's still working on my heart with that one!) You shake your head and say, am I really friends with someone like this? I don't need this sort of stress in my life and within a matter of seconds-DELETE. Problem solved, back to being happy.

We as a nation, have this sense of entitlement, thanks to Disney, creative advertising and Social Media, we feel we are owed a fairy tale life with a happy ending. When it isn't easy, when there is hurt and pain, what is the easiest solution? Pack your bags and go where it's easy, go where you feel good, do what makes you happy. I say all because I am guilty of feeling this (Not towards my husband now, but definitely in past relationships). This is how I felt I was entitled to live my life. If I have a choice (And we all do) between living a life that is easy breezy or hard, I will naturally pick easy breezy every time. Is it because I am lazy and don't want to work for it? Sometimes. Sometimes it's easier to walk away from a friendship of 20 years if you don't like to argue and can't handle confrontation. We think- eh, I'll just find a new friend. We live in a very disposable society. People and things have no value to us if they don't make us happy. However, today I realized it's not just because I am lazy, it's because deep down inside I was created for that, and so were you.

In the beginning when God created the Heaven and the Earth (The Book of Genesis) and Man and Woman, He placed us in a Utopic environment. We had all our needs met, we lacked for nothing and we had relationship with our Heavenly Father. We had it all!!! Imagine walking along side of God everyday-physically being in His presence, in HIS PRESENCE!!! Face to face with the One who created you. The one who put the stars in the sky, the one who made something out of nothing with His breath! Adam and Eve had it, they didn't have to work for it, there was no stress, no heartache, there was no enmity between Adam and Eve. (Imagine always getting along with your loved one) They had easy breezy and then....they gave it all away! With one choice, one decision (SIN) we surrendered easy breezy and we've been trying to get back to it ever since. Intrinsically we all long for that because that was what we were created for. (The whole giving away our easy breezy/SIN is a blog topic I will save for another time- Focus Nina, Focus)

My point is, don't feel bad for wanting easy breezy, it's natural. But because we no longer have access to easy breezy, we feel the void in our lives. We ache for it, we know that something is missing, so we go about all sorts of ways to achieve the pursuit of happiness! Trying to find happiness with shopping, drugs, money, food,- whatever you try to fill the void with. Only it never is satisfied, the void is always there. If I feel bad, I eat, I take drugs, I shop..I(Fill in the blank). Why? Because we don't like to feel the void, we don't like the pain and darkness and we think other things will make us happy. One of the greatest lessons I have learned, and want to share today is: Quit chasing happy, embrace the pain, welcome the Joy and fill the void!

Statistics say that people actually THRIVE when they are in their most challenging situations, athletes get better at their sport when they are pushed and challenged, caterpillars struggle before becoming butterflies, trees grow taller and stronger because the winds blow and they endure various types of weather. Even the seed starts out in the dark ground, but as it is nourished and the light shines, eventually it grows through the darkness and into the sunlight. It is in the dark, like the seed, in our trials and struggles that we find out what we are really made of. Do we allow ourselves to grow or do we wither away?

Think about this for a moment, if bad never happens to us, if things are good all the time, then how can we appreciate and know what is good? Admit it, the same thing all the time, every day isn't exciting, it becomes blasé. If we had it perfect all the time, eventually we would find something to not like about it. We would take it for granted. Adam and Eve had it and took the good for granted, I guess nothing much has changed in a few thousand years. We simply can never exist with all happiness all the time, at least while we are here on Earth we can't.

So here is the million dollar question, if we know that life is going to have darkness and dark times (because it will) what attitude do we take? As I see it, we can approach it two ways:

1. Runaway and avoid, try at all cost to escape any type of pain or suffering in the pursuit of being eternally happy and live a life devoid of problems. Cut off relationships with people and avoid discomfort (well try to anyway).

The very definition of happiness is: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment, having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation) and fortunate and convenient. (Google Dictionary)

So by this definition you will constantly be seeking pleasure or contentment in order to be truly happy. However, realizing what we already know above, eventually in everything we will stop being content, our sins, our vices do not fill the void, nor do they make us content. If you are not content or lose pleasure in what once made you happy- can you achieve total happiness?

Unless a person is completely without flaws and perfect in all ways, (BTW...I only know One personally, message me and I will tell you all about Him) will you ever have full confidence or satisfaction in them?

And lastly, if it's fortunate and convenient, then isn't happiness really a temporal feeling that leaves based on circumstances? Happiness is a state of mind and if you are never content, always seeking to avoid issues and problems, running away from relationships, never having secure confidence in a situation for knowing everyone has flaws- is happiness possible? Stick with me.

2. Embrace the period of darkness, recognize that it is there and it stinks! Realize we have no control of how, when and where the darkness will come from, we don't know how long it will last and therefor realize we have no control over any of it. Once you realize you really don't have control, it's shouldn't be that hard to surrender the facade of control. After all, God has been the One with all the control anyway, you are just acknowledging your position and releasing yourself to His hands, inviting Him who is light- into your darkness. Go on, wave that white flag and let that freaky flag fly!!!

Upon surrendering what happens next will amaze and astound you. It makes no sense to the outside world. God will nurture you by feeding you and refreshing you with His Word and Living Water (Aka The Bible). He will restore your soul, filling you with strength you never knew you could have, flooding you with a rock solid hope and peace in knowing that He has got this for you. Your circumstances may not change, and often times get worse. You still won't know how, when, where or why about the darkness, but it won't matter because you've got the Light and suddenly you can see and the darkness isn't so scary. You will find peace in pain and a security unlike any other, with this peace you discover true joy! (And no happiness and joy are not the same)

Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of your life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation. (Rick Warren)

Joy is possible in any circumstance because it isn't based on circumstance (like happiness) it's based on your confidence and hope in the Lord. But how do you trust Him? How can you not???? In case you didn't know this yet, we serve an active and living God. He doesn't just sit on the sidelines and cheer you on from Heaven "Hey good job down there, way to go!". He isn't up on His throne, playing wingman, telling you what to do "Boogie @ 3 o'clock, missiles aimed directly at you, go left!" He isn't far away and removed, He is everywhere near you, always! He will be there walking behind you, giving you a shove when you are too scared to move forward. Some days you will be back to back, He will be covering you from behind so that the enemy can not sneak up on you. He may be standing in front of you, asking you to put your hands on His shoulder's and let Him lead you safely through. He could be arm and arm with you helping you take that next step after falling down or maybe you are having a day where you simply can't move at all, He won't desert the wounded, no my friend He carries them for as long as He needs too. So if He is everywhere near you, always- how can you not trust Him?

If He created you for His enjoyment and His pleasure to be in relationship with Him, why would He ever want to harm you? How can that not bring you peace and joy? He miraculously fills the void and suddenly you find you are not looking into the abyss of pain, you are looking up to the eyes of the Redeemer who rescues and saves. And overtime you acknowledge that God is the one who takes away the pain and gives Joy, you take the power from the enemy away. The enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Every word of praise that focuses on the Light instead of the Darkness- diminishes the hold of the darkness over you.

So today if you are in darkness, if you are constantly seeking happiness in all areas of your life, maybe it's time to re-evaluate. Maybe it's time to pick #2 instead of #1. Quit chasing happy, embrace the pain, welcome the Joy and fill the void!

Lord,

The darkness is around us, but it doesn't have to be in us. May we give our hearts freely to you and receive the Light of your Truth in our hearts. May you help us to understand fully that happiness will never eliminate our pain, because happiness is only temporal. I pray that tonight hearts out there, would recognize the darkness for what it really is and take away it's power by giving you full power and control. You are the Light of the World and only You can cause the darkness to flee, only You can turn mourning into dancing, only You can fill our hearts with joy in the midst of great sorrows. So many of us are chasing the world's view of happiness and becoming more and more disillusioned and depressed. We are searching for the wrong answers to fix what is spiritually wrong. I pray for the madness to stop and for eyes to be open, for ears to hear and for eyes to SEE Your Truth. Bring Your Light Lord and shine it brightly into the dark places in our lives, so that we may be fully exposed to you. Thank you for the gift of pain and the gift of joy. In Your precious and holy name- Amen

***BTW I want to give credit to Disney they did get something right, though not the fairy tale ending- better yet true reality! Inside/Out nailed it- Joy and Sadness need each other for growth!

Here are some encouraging scriptures about LIGHT

John 8:12Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”
John 1:5
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it
Psalm 30:11
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy
Psalm 97:11
Light shines on the godly, and joy on those whose hearts are right.

I have a Hope!

2016-02-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a struggle, that last for so long, that hurt so badly you never thought it would end? When it's so dark in the hole that you are in, you wonder if you will ever be able to see the sunlight again?

Have you ever felt you couldn't breath to loud because if you did, something might come along and just snatch that breath right out of your body?

Do you hold your breath at times because of fear, that the other shoe will drop?

Do you know what it's like to have your hopes believe that tomorrow will be different and things will finally start to change- but they don't- and so you continue to wait?

But as you wait, your hope is slipping away, parts of you feel numb and begin to die. Life, honestly seems unbearable.

You question your purpose and why you are in this place? What does it all mean? What good will come of this suffering, this heartache, this pain?

All the strength you possess is wasted just getting yourself out of bed, so you can face the day. Then with the first step it hits you, the fear that this will be the best you feel all day because the attacks haven't started yet.

Depression and loneliness sink into your heart, you isolate yourself because you really don't want to talk about what's wrong to one more incredibly helpful, well meaning person.

In the isolation, darkness grabs you tighter. Your will to press on is almost gone and you have no one to help carry you because of that isolation.

You are tired...so very tired. Weary. You just want the chaos in your heart to stop.

You are in a sense, shattered and broken. "And all the kings horses, and all the kings men, couldn't put you back together again..." OK, but really, how would horses help put you back together? That's just ridiculous (wink)

I write this, because I know this darkness. In the bible, Job knew this darkness too.

Job 23:17 "Darkness is all around me;

thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere."

Do you recognize it? Have you or are you experiencing it right now?

Is just the mere mention of this darkness, painful even to acknowledge as you are reading this?

My friend, I have come with a message of hope to encourage you. I am witness to the One who can deliver you from this darkness. I have been on and continue to be on a heartbreaking journey of motherhood with my oldest child. I have been in this darkness for several years now, and it is only recently that my eyes have been open and my ears can now hear the truth. I have read and heard scripture verses, worship songs, listened to other's testimonies, read books by Christian authors, attended seminars and workshops- I was full of God's Good News for years! But it was only recently that I allowed Him to penetrate my heart and transform me. I am being transformed and I am being renewed daily and because of that, I write this today for you.

I want you to know that it's not hopeless, the struggle will end, there is light at the end of the tunnel, the shoe won't drop, the walls won't cave in, you can breathe freely. The Creator of the Universe, the one who made the stars in the heavens, who knows the amount of sand on all the beaches in the world- made you! He is so in love with you and wants to deliver you from this evil, this bondage that has you captive- all you have to do, all I had to do, was surrender. Give in to Him, wave your white flag and drop into His loving arms. You are safe in the shadow of His wing, you will find comfort for your soul, you will find rest, you will find renewed strength, you will once again, find HOPE! It's not a mythological fairytale- it's not wishful thinking- it's not karma! It's the power of the Risen King.

It's so simple, but so very hard- to surrender. What does that mean? What does it look like?

That depends on you?

Do you know God?

Have you accepted His Free gift of Salvation through the death and resurrection of His son Jesus Christ?

Do you trust Him and His Word?

Do you trust that He will lead and guide you safely?

If you can answer yes to those, then right now- declare it out loud. In your words or mine *LORD- I am in bondage. I need you. I can not do this alone or on my own. I confess my control in trying to keep it together and do it my way or on my own. I realize the more control I have tried to attain, the more damage that's been done. Things are not getting better and I can't fix it. Please forgive me for holding on and trying to steer life the way I think I should. Forgive me for my pride of thinking I know better than you, that I don't need you - obviously that's not really working out to well for me. I surrender Lord- I give it all to you right now. I wave my white flag and I lay my darkness at your feet. I don't want this crap anymore. I am tired of sadness and heartache. I want joy back and I want peace back in my life. I am tired of feeling hopeless, I am tired of (NAME YOUR BONDAGE). Merciful Father, I lift my hands to you to be used for your will, not mine. Use me as you want to, not as I think I should be used. I don't want to be in charge anymore, I resign my position to you Lord and I bow humbly, prostrate before you and cry out for deliverance. In Your Name I pray- Amen!

Now that you have laid it at his feet, leave it there- then pick up your bible and read the book of Psalms! Read it all- soak it up. Read the cries of David, find comfort in the words. Draw upon it for strength. Then start writing down, specifically, all that you want Him to do-pour out your heart- ask Him. Be bold! Then BELIEVE His word and His promises. Stand firm and secure in Him! Praise Him for hearing you, for answering your prayers and working in your life. Praise Him for the good and the bad (Ask him to show you how He will use the bad- because He will!)

Psalms 28:6-8a "Praise the Lord, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him will all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of Thanksgiving. The Lord gives His people strength."

Now here comes the hard part. Here's the real. Your situation may or many not go away. Your problem may even become harder. You may face greater trials- BUT I can promise you that if you truly let the Lord lead your life and guide you- You will be different! Your mind will change, your heart will change and your thoughts will change. He will transform you by the renewing of your mind. You will find peace, you will find light in dark times. You will find the joy and peace because your hope, my HOPE is in the Lord. And as long as He has my back, I press on and I trust Him. Feelings are false and can lie- Faith is real and can be tested and trusted! There will be days that are bad before you even step out of bed, but if you take that moment before getting up and place it in the Lord's hand- I promise you friend you will experience a difference.

Maybe you will have to surrender minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Do it- don't let the enemy win. The enemy is a roaring lying that seeks to destroy and devour you- let him roar. Picture Simba as a cub in the movie "The Lion King" trying to roar like his dad Mufasa, it was a sad and pitiful roar. Then picture Mufasa's mighty roar- That my friends is God! He is the great LION! He is our Defender, our Deliverer, our Protector! The King of Creation has this one- sit back and watch Him work.

Maybe you aren't there yet, you don't know about this God and all this mumbo jumbo- that's OK. He believes in you, even if you don't believe in Him yet. But I challenge you to give it a shot-surrender your doubt of who He is and what He has done for you (John 3:16) start seeking God out. He will meet you, You will find him when you look for Him. Feel free to e-mail and ask me any questions you might have about who He is, I will gladly share with you all that I can and if I can't, then I will point you to someone else who can.

Over the next few weeks and months I will share with you this painful journey I am on. My hope is to encourage you to fight with me in this battle for our hearts and the lives of those we love. I write to ask you to join me and pray for me and my family as we face the enemies daily attacks and in return if you have a prayer request please share it with me. We can do this together! The battle has already been won and victory belongs to the Lord!

Father, thank you for this time of writing- thank you for the words you give to me. Help me to be focused on sharing what you want and not just what I think I should write. I surrender control of this blog to you. Be with those who read this and draw them closer to your heart so that they might discover Your true heart. Thank you for being my hope and for rescuing me!

All Glory and Honor and Power be to You- forever and ever! Amen

Don't be Afraid of Your Joy

2015-02-18T21:57:00.000-05:00

I want to preface this particular blog entry by saying that I absolutely am blessed beyond measure to be the mother of three great kids. I am honored that God chose me and Kevin to guide them and raise them up. I am grateful for the good, the bad and the crazy times we have together. I love my children, though not of my womb- conceived in my heart!

Right now, as we speak, I know 6 women who either just gave birth or are currently pregnant. They all come from very different walks of life, they vary in age from 20's to 30's and are of no particular marital, economic or cultural status. These are 6 beautiful women, with big loving hearts- perfect for first time motherhood or motherhood part 2 thru part 5! These women have been blessed with biologically conceiving a child within their womb. These women have been given the task of sacrificing their body image to bring forth life. These women who know what it feels like having morning sickness, weird cravings, peeing often, feeling fat and hormonally out of control. These women who know what it feels like to have a child move inside of them, feel the kicks, see them on an ultrasound, hear their tiny heart beat and watch them develop until they are finally ready to be presented to the world!

I am thrilled, beyond thrilled for them- I share in their joy and I delight with them! It is an exciting time in their life that they have been blessed with and as a friend or family member I get to share in that blessing!

The miracles of birth are simply that - a miracle. I can't even begin to comprehend how God thought us up and created us. I can't fathom how he designed all of our parts and systems to work together as one body. He knows how much hair is on their heads, He knows what color eyes they will have, He knows what their personality is going to be- what will make them laugh and cry. God knows what they will struggle with and what they will be gifted with. He already knows each unique baby inside and out. He knows if they will believe in Him or reject Him- and loves them still the same no matter what. He is/was in the womb (outside the womb) creating this delicate and intricately woven human being. I imagine that as He works in creating, He hums and smiles. I believe He whispers to them and sings to them. I believe that God is so intimate with His creation that He leaves His imprint upon us! These tiny miracles have been chosen for their momma's (and daddies and everyone else who will love them!) I believe deep in my heart- He was that way with me and He was that way with you- this is who He is. I imagine His big soft gentle hands cupping the babies and marveling at His creation. The deep, deep look of love that He feels looking down on them. Oh the plans He has for each of them. Plans to give them hope and a future!

Oh what Joy!!!! Ode to Joy/Ants Go Marching by the Piano Guys

On more than one occasion, when these momma's share their big news-their extreme joy, I notice sadness. I hear it in their voice, I can see it in their eyes. A cloud hovering as they announce that they are having a baby. This puzzled me the first couple times it happened. Why are you sad? Why so downcast? And then it comes out....these compassionate and loving momma's ache for me. They are so careful to consider me, so careful to not hurt my feelings because I have not been blessed in this particular way of having a child. They don't want to come across prideful or appear to gloat, they are sensitive and sweet and just that thought alone makes me cry. I love my momma friends out there- I need you! I am grateful to have you in my life and call you friend or family! How honored I am that in your joy, you consider what might be my pain. You are so sincere and so polite- it makes me love you all the more. But I beg of you- please, please don't be afraid of your joy! Because if it were me- you couldn't hold back my joy!

We are called to rejoice with others and mourn with others, there is a season for it all. This is your season- a season for your family, your unborn baby- your joy! Soak it up- cherish the good and the bad. You were called for this! This is not about me, it is not about my family-this is not our time! Thank you for being considerate but to all other future momma's out there- CELEBRATE! Life has begun in YOU!!! You were chosen- You were picked- You are perfect for the job- You are qualified with all that you need right now!

I won't deny there are not times when I have not felt jealous or sad- it happens. I can't predict when it will show up or why it shows up at times- but it does. But understand this...my husband and I realize this is our path- this is our story. He chose me too- in a different way...He picked me too- in a different way- He said I was perfect for this job- same job as you, so not in a different way (LOL) He says I am qualified- despite how very unqualified I feel. God picked my children like He chose yours. He created them in a different location- but He gave them to me in my heart like yours. I do feel a loss at times, things I miss out on or won't experience- but then I realize He has other things for me and for my hubby! He doesn't love me less because I have not been given a child to carry in my womb- He loves me differently.

I am sure I am not the only momma out there who feels like this, who is in my position- who knows maybe I am...but I would be missing out on a whole lot of wonderful if I focused on me and not on your joy! Thank you for thinking of me sweet momma's but your joy is my joy and I want to celebrate with you!

Has it really been that long?

2015-01-12T23:43:00.003-05:00

What makes me laugh as I am typing this particular blog post, is thinking about my title "The Committed Mom". How ironic is it that my last post was quite a long time ago? What does that say about my commitment? What does that say about me? I joke, but I am also secretly embarrassed. This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a 1 day simulcast conference in Detroit for my new business (YEA ME- I HAVE A NEW BUSINESS, I'll save that for another blog). While I was there I had the joy and privilege of listening to a woman speak, who is lovingly referred to as "Coach Dar". She was amazing and she spoke directly to my heart and soul. I can honestly say there are changes taking place in me right now, that were spurred on because she took the time to share her passion and her heart. I don't doubt for one moment that God organized this entire conference just so I would hear her words. (Ok maybe the conference was actually for the business, but I shall cling to the idea that it was just for me). Coach Dar helped me realize some things about myself that I want to change, that I have wanted to change so desperately for so long- but have lacked the ability, passion and drive to do so. Coach Dar spoke truth in love and simply lifted the blinders off my eyes about how I see myself and where I see myself going.

This business that I am currently involved in, has blessed me with an incredibly positive mentor/director (or soon to be director). She is always on me about my goals and what do I want to do with them? Where do I see myself in my business? Let me tell you a little secret about me- the word GOALS scares me to death! It conjures up feelings and emotions that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe I fear the word because I am excellent at starting something, I get inspired, have great ideas and motivations- I am a truly excellent sprinter in the beginning! However, I can not run the entire race. I lose interest, I get distracted, I become self-defeated, I say I can't do this anymore it's too hard, I don't like it or I don't really want it that bad. I don't want to be a really excellent sprinter anymore. It's unsatisfying and it leaves me feeling bad about myself. I haven't truly accomplished anything. For crying out loud I was even determined to do a Couch to 5K and rallied people to do the Color Run with me before I turned 40. I said I am gonna do this, join me- and they did! Guess what- I didn't! I made excuses and backed out. Sadly, this added to my fuel of not setting goals- because now I was disappointing lots of people. People who were supporting me, people who rallied behind me. I wasn't just letting me down anymore and so I ran away and hid. I hid from things that called me and challenged me. I avoided things I knew God was calling me to do, I avoided being a fool and disappoint by not doing anything. To get right to the point, the word Goals makes me feel like a failure before I even start.

So there it is, Goals = Failure to me, until Coach Dar! I share this with you, in case there is anyone else out there who struggles with the word GOALS. May her words inspire you, like they inspired me!
*2015 won't be a New Year, unless there is a new you
*If your life was to end tomorrow, would you be happy with how people remembered you?
*Are you a person of excellence? Do you live and act as a truly excellent human being?
In the playbook of greatness- these are the top 5 plays!
1. Successful people have a core purpose- they reach their goals because they have a WHY. What is your life's mission statement? What is your purpose for your goals? If your goals are not based on your core values and beliefs, then you will fail!
2. Raise the Bar- Be an exceptional person- Ask yourself constantly- is this how a person of excellence acts? Is this what they do? Is this how they speak?
3. Commit to the Grind- do the mundane, be intentional. Successful people are different from Unsuccessful people because they do the things the Unsuccessful people don't want to do.
4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Push past your comfort zone, grow those muscles! Courage isn't the absence of fear, it is facing it head on!
5. Surround yourself with those who will push you, challenge you and make you a better person. Pick your fab 5- choose wisely.

Now, to be completely fair- I can not give Coach Dar all the credit, because honestly God has been whispering to my heart for the past few months now. The word UNCOMFORTABLE has become a part of my everyday life....my whole life has been very uncomfortable, again I'll save that for another blog entry! But here is what I want, deep in my heart, I want to be a truly excellent marathon runner! I want to be a woman of excellence. I want to be a woman of integrity. I want to be a woman who encourages and models that for her daughters. I want my 2015 to be a new year and I want to be a new me! If my life ended tomorrow, I want people to say she gave her all to be a woman of excellence. I have finally realized my WHYS for my goals were always wrong- this time I think I have it right. My goals- no matter what area of my life- simply boil down to one WHY!
***I want my life to glorify the Lord, in word and in deed.*** I want to exemplify Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

So now I am raising the bar! In fact I even walked back half an aisle at the grocery store to put back a bag of Doritos, rather than leave them on a random shelf after deciding I didn't want them. I walked my grocery cart back to the cart coral, rather than leave it for someone else to collect. Are these big changes? Not necessarily, but I asked myself "Would a person of excellence do this? How would a true follower of Christ act? These task they were small, they were mundane, they were the grind and it is definitely doing something that other people don't want to do- I didn't want to do. But I did it, it was outside of my comfort zone- and these small acts will inspire bigger acts. I know I won't do it all the time, and I will forgive myself when I don't but I will push forward because this time, this year I am focused more on my WHY. With my Why I am less likely to lose interest because it's about HIM not me. I am more likely to be more confident- because I will be looking to Him to encourage me and guide me. When I want to say I give up, its too hard- He is there to remind me I don't have to do anything- He can do it through me. His words will never leave me feeling bad about myself or leave me unsatisfying. And as for surrounding myself with my Fab 5 and people to encourage me- He has supplied me with a generous amount of people to choose from!

I am blessed and honored to be able to blog again, I only hope that I can encourage someone the way that I have been encouraged. I have really missed blogging and I am glad that I am re-committing myself to do. I look expectantly to what 2015 will bring, because I already know 2015 is going to be a new year, because God has already changed me into a new me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6J7L6RP6Lc

The Shortest Things Can Make You Cry

2013-04-25T16:24:00.000-04:00

It was an ordinary day, nothing bad- nothing particularly special- it was just a day.

Even my kids were ok. No major crises or meltdowns today. No drama for this momma.

I was sitting at a fast food drive thru waiting to pay for my food when I decided to check Facebook.
Nothing out of the ordinary, I do it habitually without thinking a million times a day. Don't know why I do it- but it was not unusual for me to do it.

And there it was...

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me- had no freakin idea what they were talking about. That is simply one of the biggest lies ever said on the face of the planet, throughout history spoken words have left incredibly painful scars in many people. Words from childhood teasing and taunts, words of abuse from loved ones, words of jealousy from haters, words of anger, words of frustration...painful, painful stab wounds left on our hearts from WORDS.

These words, however, were not spoken words-these were written words. Granted they were someone's thoughts, said in their head and typed onto a screen, but they were given a voice as I read them and felt them. It was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so that I could not breath.

What is ironic about the words that I read is that they were someone else's praise! In their life this person, who is so close to my heart, is going through something so incredible, so life changing and so beautiful they wanted to share with the whole Facebook world. Why wouldn't you want to share your blessing with world- who wouldn't be happy for you in times of joy?

I can honestly say that any other time this person shared their praise with me I was overjoyed and delighted for them. This is not their first trip down this road, but it is still exciting to be apart of it with them. But this night, this ordinary night-my heart did not rejoice. One sentence, flipped my ordinary night upside down:

"And so it starts...I feel movement, this is fantastic!"

Tears...jealousy...anger...hurt....tears, tears, tears....lots and lots of tears.

At this stage in my life, I do not know what it feels like to carry a child in my womb. I don't understand what it feels like to be sitting there and all of the sudden feel movement within my body. I don't know what the little fluttering feeling is, I only know of what other's have shared. I can imagine there is no other feeling comparable in the world.

My favorite story of Jesus birth, is when Mary goes to see her cousin Elizabeth. Mary has not yet told Elizabeth she is expecting, but as she nears Elizabeth- the baby that is in Elizabeth's womb leaps for joy! It makes my heart smile to imagine this- just like it makes my heart smile to hear the people I love experience this too. What a precious, precious blessing to receive and yet I don't know if I will ever personally experience this sacred blessing.

So when the person close to my heart shared their excitement this time, rather than rejoice in it- without being able to control it- my heart reacted a different way.

First came the tears...instantly....I didn't have time to think or process the tears just came- hot and fast.
It caught me so off guard, that I then questioned "Why am I crying? How selfish of me!" but as soon as I thought it I heard my Father say "Don't keep it from me, tell me....I already know" I realized I was trying to control it, I was trying to PRETEND- to make myself feel bad for feeling what I felt. God wanted me to be real....so I gave it to Him out loud, through the sobbing and tears

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"
"WHY CAN'T I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE?"
"I WANT TO KNOW THAT FEELING"
"I WANT TO EXPERIENCE A CHILD IN MY WOMB!"
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME LORD?"

As soon as I released the words, a peace came over my heart. Suddenly releasing them out loud to God, freed me from the internal voices that can sometimes be deceitful and lie to you. I should have prefaced this by saying that this wasn't the first time God and I have had this talk and I am confident in saying it will not be the last. Many of times I thought I had my act together and I had accepted the possibility of me not having children, many times I felt it's ok- I have two terrific kids and I should be happy with what I have. But then something happens and I become this hot mess and feel like I am back at step one all over again.

Here is what I have learned from my many wrestlings with God:
1. I am deeply and passionately loved by the Creator of the Universe, for God so loved the world that He sent His only SON to die on the cross for my sins, so that I might have eternal life. (John 3:16) Which means He wants to be with me! Because I believe this I know.
2. That I am a child of God. I am the daughter of a King, Heir to His throne.(Romans 8) because I am the daughter of a King, there are blessings and riches waiting for me- far beyond what I can ever imagine here on Earth. My Father desires to lavish me with his blessing- He wants me to share in His glory! As I sit here I think about my own children and what I wouldn't do for them or what I wouldn't sacrifice and give up for their happiness...and if I being Human desire to give good and do good for my kids- how much more does God have for me and desire good for me? And because I believe this I know...
3. I know that He desires the best for my life Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, :"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope." So because I have faith and believe this than I know that a God who loves me so much, died for my sins- paid for my mistakes, who has crowns and riches waiting for me, who has desires to do good for me- Why, why would He keep a baby from my womb just to hurt me? Truth: He wouldn't.

My father knows me intimately, He created me and knows everything about me. There is no where I can go to get away from Him (Psalm 139) No thought can I have that He doesn't already know. He knows my deep desire to conceive a child in my womb. He knows how badly I want to experience what Elizabeth did and what the person I love did. He knows the longing, the aching, the tears. Because He knows- this is where my faith must come in more, because He knows and does not allow it to happen I need to trust that it is not happening for a reason. I need to trust in His truth and promises to give me hope and a future.

I trust that if I am not going to be sharing in this joy, that there is a reason why. I may never know why this side of heaven, do I WANT to know why? Abso-freakin-lutely! Do I NEED to know why? No, because my ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts. He knows better than I for my life- He knows the outcome and what is to become of me. I trust Him, I may not like it or agree or ever understand- but I trust Him. I trust that He is walking with Kevin and I as we deal with this ache in our hearts, that with each situation that brings us to our knees- He understands our pain, He will carry us through and strengthen our faith.

So the words in that one sentence broke my heart-but His words restored my heart and well I just had to blog about that!

**TO THE PERSON WHO POSTED THE SENTENCE, IF YOU ARE READING THIS- I LOVE YOU! PLEASE FORGIVE MY JEALOUSY AND KNOW THAT DEEP IN MY HEART I AM TRULY EXCITED AND JOYFUL OVER YOUR BLESSING! I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE DAY YOUR BUNDLE OF JOY COMES INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN LAVISH IT WITH LOVE! THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE APART OF YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SHARING YOUR BLESSINGS WITH ME**

Can I Really Handle This Responsibility?

2013-03-15T14:12:00.001-04:00

Did you ever just stumble upon responsibility? It wasn't something you expected, it just sort of found you or fell in your lap? Maybe you wanted it, maybe you didn't, maybe you wanted it and it didn't turn out the way you envisioned it, but it happened and now you have to deal with the responsibility. Sometimes when we have that responsibility we dread it, we complain about it, we wonder how we will manage it. We lose sleep over it and/or gain an incredible amount of stress. Sometimes everything we know and do is changed and we have to figure out how to live with this new responsibility. We struggle and fight to manage, to exist, to breath. You ask yourself "Can I really handle this responsibility?"

When God brought our son into our lives, it was a responsibility we were not looking for. Granted we knew we wanted kids and we knew we weren't going to wait to long, after marriage, to have them. We just never anticipated it would happen the way God orchestrated. Which is kind of funny to think about now, because honestly most of my life did not happen the way I planned- I hear God giggling quietly now as I type. (Ok, so maybe I should have asked Him first- His way is always better than mine anyway. Moving on...)

When our son first came to us we found ourselves taking foster parent classes through the county, we were under the impression we had to take them in order to keep him with us. So we endured 12-3 hour classes only to discover we didn't need them at all, but SURPRISE you are now licensed foster parents! Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, because my husband and I actually did discuss fostering and adopting- but again it wasn't a plan we had put into action, we were really good at talking about it before then. Here's where God's sense of humor strikes again, do you see what He did. He pushed us out of the "nest" and said "Enough talking you two. It's time to take action.You have a son, you are licensed foster parents, so now let's give you some more responsibility, I've got this 15 month old baby girl waiting just for you!"PLOP right into our heart and home. It's kind of miraculous how He works!

Because God works the way He does in our lives, it really wasn't a surprise when we got a call in September of 2012 from the county asking us if we were interested in taking in a 2 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. What? I am 37 years old, I can barely keep up with the two I have- seriously two babies in diapers?? I am lazy and tired Lord. I just got Lottie and Brent to a point where I could sleep until 8:30 and now you want me to chase two little ones, are you joking? Can I really (Can we really,) handle this responsibility? But here's the kicker folks- this beautiful boy and girl weren't just any foster kids, they were my daughter's half-siblings (they share the same mother). DUN DUN DUN! How do we say no to that? How do we turn away from this responsibility?We don't, we couldn't, we didn't.

Slight back story detour: When the 2 year old was born we went down to children services to discuss taking him into our home. We were told the agency likes to keep siblings together, so when we found out about him after the agency placed him with another foster family, we were upset to say the least. However, God had a plan and after lots of praying and discussing with the agency, we felt it was not what God wanted us to do. We felt confident that we did not want to rip him away from a family that he was already bonded with and we walked away confident and secure in our choice. A year later, we had heard a rumor that there was a second sibling born and that the mother and father were on their way to obtaining permanent custody, once again we felt we had made the right choice. So when this phone call came, we knew something was different because this time Kevin and I both felt an urgency to say yes.

My brain began to create this fantasy scenario- I began to romanticize why they were coming to us. I thought God wants them to be apart of our family, we will take them in and like Brent and Lottie we will adopt them if that option becomes available to us- bada bing, bada boom- our family will almost be complete (We would like 5 kids)! And why wouldn't the option become available to us? God was placing them with us! I was not being rational and I was NOT being realistic. My well grounded hubby on the other hand, did not have those same thoughts. If fact while I was thinking family growth he was thinking in the moment- they need a home, they are our daughter's siblings so they should be with us. Never did he think about the duration of their stay or the permanency of their stay- just that they needed a place to stay.

The reason for the call was because the foster family the kids had been staying with, was moving away within weeks to another state and they needed placement. The urgency we felt, we now realize was just that- urgency to move and act because their whole world was about to be turned upside down and we needed to be stability for them. We had the pleasure of meeting their foster family (Let's call them the White family) and they were amazing!!! We adored them and instantly bonded with them. The Whites had adopted 5 kids from ages 15-4 and were hoping to adopt Lottie's siblings (let's call them Kate and Kai) and move. The White family felt a new environment would be good for them all, a new start for their new family. They decided to move their whole family away from their entire family here for the best interest of these two babies. They were so confident that they would be able to adopt Kate and Kai they got rid of their home here and arranged for a home in the state they wanted to move to. They were prepared, they were ready and then the bottom dropped out on their dream and due to some very upsetting circumstances they had to move without their babies.

With heavy hearts they passed Kate and Kai off to us. It was the most heartbreaking and awful thing I have ever witnessed, watching this wonderful family say goodbye to the babies they had taken care of since birth. How do you say goodbye to babies you've raised? How do you walk away without thinking of them every single day and night? How do you pass them off to another family, even if there is a family connection between them? Could you? I couldn't? It was a tearful and tender moment that we shared with the White family, when they said goodbye to their babies. We felt an honor to be given this responsibility. We vowed to the White family that we would stay in touch, we vowed to send pictures and keep them updated. We vowed they would be a forever part of our family.

My daughter was overjoyed to meet and get to know Kate and Kai, at 4 years old she already had an unexplainable love for them. She knew they were her family, she felt that deep love, that deep connection @ 4!! I wouldn't have believed it, had I not been here- but siblings have a bond that defies our understanding. My son on the other hand, was not so keen on sharing a room with a two year old. He knew his world was changing and more responsibility was coming his way as the BIG brother. He didn't like it, he didn't want it, but he got it! People asked us, will you adopt- if it was just me I would answer "If they became available to adopt" and Kevin's answer was always "Not sure, we'll just have to pray and see". Within the first week of Kate and Kai being here, Kevin said something deeply profound to me. "What if we are only supposed to take care of them until they can be adopted and then give them to the White family to adopt?" WHA, WHAT? I immediately shot him down, "No, the White's gave them to us, they are Lottie's siblings. We can't walk away from them" In my heart I felt this is my family, our family, why do you want to give them away? They are a gift to us. But that profound statement, pressed on in my mind. God has a way of making me deal with things by putting them in my face repeatedly.

In the beginning, I was in love with Kate and Kai- and like in any relationship that is new everything appears good and shiny and happy. My responsibility was easy at first, well as easy as taking care of 4 kids could be. I loved being a stay-at-home mom, I loved a big family, I loved all that it encompassed. I loved the responsibility! As the days went on, the trials and testing began. The newness and the novelty began to wear off. Brent, Lottie, Kate and Kai grew to love and hate each other and the fighting began. The responsibilities turned into burdens as I felt tired and drained from lack of sleep. I began to feel like I was in mommy jail, I couldn't leave my house and visit with the people I used to. I couldn't go to my bible studies or get a sitter so I could go out. I felt rejected by some family members and I felt isolated and abandoned. Kevin struggled in his own way too, he internalizes a lot and so he spent a great deal of time isolated in our bedroom sleeping. Our life was officially changed. It was a responsibility we had never anticipated or imagined. We jumped from 2 to 4 kids and 2 were babies- what was I thinking? I couldn't do this! So I went to the one person who would listen to me, who knew what I was going through, the person who would comfort me and encourage me that I could get through this and I could do it. That person was Jesus. I began increasing my devotional time and my quiet time. I began delving deeper into His word and His promises for me. I began every morning with Him and everyday He gave me my daily bread and got me through.

It was during this time that my ears and eyes were opened. God showed me that it was hard and it was difficult, but I was no different than so many other mother's out there. I needed to work on getting my house in order. I needed to be intentional about the way I was running my home. I needed to find joy in living, not simply existing.God began to show me how I was forcing a square block into a round hole. I had taken God's simple instructions for us, our responsibility and added lots of extra work- by pitching the instructions. Our job was to open our home and hearts to Kate and Kai and love them while they were with us. They were not our kids, they were the White's kids, they belonged with them. Once I was able to let go of what I wanted and accept what God wanted, our life seemed to transition a lot smoother. We were able to love freer and find our joy as a family.

**Unfortunately, Kate and Kai did not get to be adopted by the White family and returned back to their biological father. I'll save that story for another day of blogging** It is with hindsight vision now that I can see where God was taking us, but in the beginning I THOUGHT I knew what God's plan was(without asking Him of course), but I have learned again, that my thoughts and ways are not His. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.Isaiah 55:7-9

Though not in our way, our time or our plan- we accepted our new responsibilities and we wouldn't trade the who, the how, the why or the WHAT? for anything in the world. I am humbled by the fact that He chose us, to love them, to take care of them, to help them transition during the loss of the White family. I am blessed that He used the time they were here with us to teach us more about love. We are heartbroken that they have left our family, but not our hearts. We hold fast that one day we will see them again, along with the White family. We praise God for the responsibilities God has given us as a family and we look expectantly to what more He will do. For now we know that::

He is sovereign. Counting on God’s Rule to prevail.I take heart and gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I’m king of the mountain! Habbakkuk 3:19

He knows the plans. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:10-12

He knows the outcome. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16b

He knows our heart and our anxieties Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 139:23-24

When we feel a task is beyond us or if it is too big a responsibility, when we feel it is impossible that we can not do it He reminds us Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:25-27

Will they know we are Christians?

2012-08-20T23:42:00.002-04:00

The older I get in my faith and the more knowledge I acquire about God, the more I truly begin to think about the true meaning of the love from Christ and the less I know about everything in general. I do not profess myself wiser in knowing about things of the world, but I do know that somehow God is transforming my heart and causing me to really think about things of this world in a new light. These are few things that really have pulled on my heart strings as a Christian and I want to share them with you, maybe you struggle too.

Heart Tugger #1: The Shootings in Colorado @ the Batman movie premiere.

I can not even begin to comprehend what went on in the mind of the people who were sitting in the theater, when that broken, damaged man came in and open fired on those innocent people. My husband and I went to see Dark Knight Rising and when the movie began, I kid you not I stopped breathing for a moment and looked at the EXIT signs in the movie theater, my heart raced and I imagined for a brief moment- what would I do had I been there? What thoughts would have ran through my mind? How would I respond? Or even how would I have responded if my children were in that theater watching that movie? As a parent- what fear would have gripped my heart? But then I also wonder what would cause another human so much turmoil in his own head, that he thought this was something he needed to do? What broke in this murder, that caused him to go over the edge and take others lives? What evil causes a person to behave like that? I realize while the rest of the world is angry and demanding justice- I am asking an odd question- but I wonder, I really do.

Heart Tugger #2: The Shooting of the Sikh People during their worship.

This was shortly after the first incident, but it didn't nearly make the headlines or cause the controversy that the Batman premiere did. Again another broken, damaged man walked into a Sikh temple and open fired on the people as they worshiped- as they worshiped. Just typing this makes my soul heavy. When I went to church the following Sunday I sat there and I thought to myself, what keeps a wounded soul from coming into our church today and not shooting us all up? What is to prevent that from happening? And the answer is this: Nothing, nothing keeps a person from walking into my church on any given Sunday, with a bomb strapped to their chest, from blowing us up because we believe in a God who they don't recognize. I will also add that I was deeply ashamed by my own Christian community who failed to reach out to the Sikh people, like the Colorado people and offer them up in prayer or offer to assist them during their time of grief. I wondered, why? Was it because they worshiped a different God? Was it because they didn't share our faith? and I started to get angry because I thought, after all aren't they still God's children?

Heart Tugger #3: A certain denomination of church who proclaims to be Christians (who I will not name because I don't want to draw attention to them)

This is not new news, in fact this particular group has been around a very long time. They are, in my opinion, very comparable to the KKK, only they proclaim to be Christians. This group protest outside soldiers funerals during families times of grief- proclaiming their child died for an America that God hates and that is why their child died- because God is punishing them for defending our country. They picket all around the US using hateful hurtful signs- like God hates fags (which is even in their websites title). They feel very strongly about the gay community and they have no issue spouting out their rhetoric and self- righteous judgement upon anyone and everyone. My cousin sent me a message the other day, asking my opinion on this particular topic and how I felt about this group. She said they were coming to her small town to picket a soldiers funeral. I can't help but shake my head and bow it in shame-I think to myself what if Jesus were here today and he witnessed these people doing what they do, what would he think? The Jesus I know did not preach hateful messages, he did not condemn anyone- in fact the very opposite-because we should all be condemned for our sins- he choose to die for our sins, freeing us from that condemnation. He is the very definition of true love- and yet these poor lost "christians" have forgotten that message. Sadly, I fear they are spreading hatred and even more dissension towards true Christians. This is what the world sees and this is how we are judged.

Heart Tugger #4: The Homosexual Community

My husband and I are licensed foster parents in the State of Ohio, and we spent the spring taking classes with other people who desired to be foster parents. Some of those people were gay and lesbian couples. This is something I have been going back and forth in my mind about- over and over, struggling with what I know to be true. Here is my struggle a child (or children) is taken from a home because it is not a safe environment for the child. One can not assume that it is drug and alcohol related, because one thing I have learned is it can be for a variety of reasons- some beyond the parent's control, such as serious illness and they are unable to care for their child and they have no one else to do it, job loss to the point where they are unable to provide for their family and are forced into this alternative, homelessness- again not because of a choice but due to life's issues and circumstances, death of a parent or caretaker. Fostering is not for broken children- it's for broken families. Families who need someone to step in and share God's love with these children- to provide them shelter, to provide a home and love, to provide a temporary solace while their parents or caretakers work to get their lives back together.

Now I understand there are some children who are in homes due to drug use, domestic violence-etc. but those children above all need a safe home to stay in. These poor babies need stability and security. Recently we were asked to provide respite (temporary care) for a foster family who was going on vacation and were unable to take the child with them. It just so happens that the foster family was a lesbian couple, who were also in the process of adopting a child through the agency- while fostering two other children. It was here that I was challenged as a Christian. Lesbian couple's fostering and adopting children, where did my beliefs fall in this area? I could sit here and tell you all the things I know the bible says about it, but I can also tell you all the things the bible says about sin period. Homosexuality is a sin, but so is over eating, so is shopping addictions, so is hoarding, so is pornography, so is alcoholism, so is gambling, so is slander, so is gossip, so is malice, rage, envy and deceit. I have been allowed to raise children even though I am obese- is it wrong to not allow two women to foster children and give them a safe home because of their sin? Is it wrong to allow them to provide safety, security and love for a child because of their personal sexual preference? I ask because I am asking...I am seeking...

God says to love the sinner and hate the sin. Sin is sin- I personally do not believe in levels of sin. I have not found proof in the bible that there is one sin greater than the next, other than blaspheming and denying God. I am not to judge mankind, yet the above heart tugging statements make me question and wonder so many things about our world.

What would Jesus do?

How would Jesus handle the guy in Colorado after the shooting? I imagine if the shooter stood before Jesus and recognized who He was- he would fall to his knees and beg His forgiveness. I believe this man's weeping would be so loud that the whole world would hear it....I believe Jesus has a broken heart, I believe it angered Him and saddened Him what happened in Colorado- but it also angered Him and saddened Him at what happened in the life of the shooter to make him that way in the first place. I believe my Jesus would embrace the Colorado shooter and forgive Him. I believe Jesus would be able to bring about this man's repentance without hateful hurtful condemning words- because no where in my bible does it say Jesus dealt with the sinners like that. Many a murderer existed and was forgiven by Jesus- look at the life of Paul, Jesus own apostle, who killed the Christians. Jesus changed him forever- why wouldn't He do the same for this broken man?

How would Jesus handle the shootings at the Sikh Temple? I imagine the shooter facing the same Jesus as the Colorado shooter- and then I see my Jesus wrapping his arms around the Sikh people and comforting them. I see Him reaching out to these people, and they become drawn to Him- drawn to His love- drawn to His kindness, drawn to His compassion. They want to know this Jesus...this Jesus who wept with them during their time of loss.

How would Jesus handle the people who are affiliated with that certain church? (John 8:7-10) I imagine my Jesus being in front of the crowd when they are shouting hateful things. He then leans down to write in the dirt and stands before the condemners and says "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" and again stoops down to write in the dirt. Slowly I see the signs of the self-righteous being thrown to the ground. One by one the protesters walk away, and where hatred and anger and rage existed- there is now Jesus' peace and holiness.

How would Jesus handle the homosexual couples who are fostering? (James 1:27) Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep onself from being polluted by the world; (Psalm 82:3) Defend the weak and the fatherless. Would He approve of their lifestyle? No...Would he shout hateful words at them and chastise them like the church did? Would he not love them like the murders in Colorado and Milwaukee? My Jesus has the power to change with love and kindness, again I believe when face to face with the Lord- any sinner would repent. We all fall short-we are all full of sin...but next to Jesus how could we not be changed?

So if we are Christians, how do we represent who Jesus is? How do we hold still to our beliefs in what the WORD says and live our lives? If you took a quick survey and asked others- how does the world see Christians? What would they say???

Now take another survey but this time ask this question;

How do you think the world sees you? Do they know you are a Christian by your love or by something else?

Love and Prayers to the Sudanese Mommies

2012-05-23T23:15:00.000-04:00

There I am sitting at my very large Ikea dining room table, with my nice cushy "leather" chairs- watching my children eat their food and leave their crumbs and spills all over it and the hardwood floor. One this particular day I was in a very foul mood and had lost my joy...(please read http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/05/dear-overworked-mom.html when you have a moment- her writing is the cry of my heart!). I kept making a list of all the things that needed to be done around the house and how I will never be able to keep up with the tornadoes that are my children! I admit I was cranky and mad and my focus was way off course. As I was watching the yogurt drink spill on the table for the 2nd time in 10 seconds, I noticed the envelope on the table from Samartian's Purse. If you aren't familiar with them please check them out http://www.samaritan.org/index.php because you will want to be familiar with them!
I opened the envelope and in it was a newsletter from Franklin Graham talking about the Civil War that is about to break out in the Sudan, but it wasn't just what the newsletter was about that grabbed me, it was the pictures within it. There on the cover was very young mother of 4 sitting in the side, of what appeared to be, a cave. Her children were covered in dirt and their clothes were tattered and torn. I began to read the article and discovered that this cave was their home- it was where they resided and it was then that God opened my eyes and humbled me.

Who was I to be complaining about the spills on my table and my floors? When I was blessed to have a table and floors.

Who was I to complain about the food spills period? Because it means that my children are being fed and have enough to eat.

On another page I found a mother holding her son, who sat with his back to the photo. The child was emaciated (skin and bone). He had to have been about the age of my son (9) but was so weak and frail because he was so malnourished.

How does a mother endure this lifestyle? How does this mother handle looking at her skeletal child and survive her day to day?

How does a mother sleep in a cave with her children, with absolutely no comforts- while I sleep in my overpriced pillowtop mattress?

How does a mother raise her children, with very little- if any- food to keep them living?

How does a mother keep her children safe, when their little lives are threatened because of what part of the Sudan they live in?
How does a mother endure rape-daily, so that she can walk for miles to obtain water for her children to drink?

How does a mother keep her sanity in this?

How does a mother not rage at God or the world?
How does a mother not become consumed with pain and heartache- and manage to go on living day to day?

I am so blessed and fortunate to live in this country and to have the comforts that I do. I am so blessed and fortunate that I can turn on my faucet for water, and have fresh water- that my lazy butt didn't have to do anything for!
I am so blessed that my children have clothes to wear on their healthy bodies, and shoes on their feet.
I am so blessed that they (we) have food in our bellies.
I am blessed that I don't have to worry about my children being killed because of where we live.
I praise God for our freedoms to worship the God of our choosing (even though I know there is only ONE true God!) but that people are not killed or persecuted here for it.
I.....am blessed. I.....have no reason....to complain.

Mothers in the Sudan- I know how you can do those things, because you are mothers! You are amazingly brave and courageous. You are the very essence of every mother's heart- you will do what you need to do for your family. You love without limits or restraints, you think of NO ONE but your family. You are astoundingly selfless and you perseverance is steadfast! I am convicted by my selfishness and I know that God is showing you to affect my heart in a deeper way.

From one mother's heart to another..I vow from this day forward that I will pray for you- I will pray for your family. I will pray for their health and their safety. I will pray that there will be peace in your country and that wrongs would be made right. I will pray for food for your family, and fresh water access. I will pray for clothes and education and healing for your sick. I will pray for your hearts to know that as a mom, my heart breaks for you, and that I will stand in the gap for you. I pray for your spiritual health, that you would come to know Jesus Christ in a real and personal way- that He would bring you hope and you would find an love like no other....I will pray that you find the ONE true love and above all I will pray..."Lord, what do you want me to do with this?" and try to be obedient as I humble myself before him and listen for what He is going to have me do....

Father God, thank you for opening my heart and my eyes to these women. My heart breaks with compassion for them. I do not know what you want me to do with this, or where you want me to take this knowledge- but I humble myself and I ask for your guidance. Show me how to help these mothers, how can I reach out to them? How can I show Your love to them? How can I show them You? I wait expectantly for your call...

The Power of a Mother's Influence

2012-05-15T23:12:00.002-04:00

I had the honor to speak at our Mother's Day Brunch this past Mom's day...I believe it was blogworthy...it's about a 20 minute read (just a warning)

Good Morning Ladies,

I am so glad that all of you could join us this morning- isn’t it a lovely day? My name is Nina Smith and I am the wife of a wonderful man, Kevin who is working behind the scenes to make this day special for us and the proud mother of two great kids- an 8 year old mouth (err umm I meant Son) named Brent and a 3 year old little mama (Sorry I meant daughter) named Lottie. They bring great joy to my heart and many grey hairs to my head (the kids not the husband!) and they are the reason I am standing up here today.

Two years ago I was asked to speak before you, on a topic of my choice. And it should bring you great comfort to know that I have been planning for this moment for two years. What I probably shouldn’t say is that up until two days ago- I had not a single solitary clue on what I was going to say. Makes you feel pretty confident this is gonna be good right? I always was the procrastinator who studied the entire night for the test the next day or wrote the 20 page term paper the night before and was rushing to turn it in at the last possible second- but let me assure you that I always got an A because I had no room for error and apparently that’s how I work in God’s time too. I hope that what I share with you, influences your heart in some way and you can walk away with a little piece of hope.

Let me give you some more information on my planning…In March of this year I attended the Changed Life Seminar at Emmanuel Baptist and the Lord used the speaker to absolutely break me. Not in a horrible- condemning and crushing way- but in a humble gentle way, a way that touches your soul so deeply you find an unexplainable peace. It was in this moment of my breakdown- that God broke through and He said I want you to speak about this area of motherhood ….ok Lord gotcha, you want me to speak on this…great! This incredibly heart breaking topic that I wept so deeply over- you want me to share that with these women? Great!!!!!!

So I began thinking about what I wanted to say and how to say it ….(crickets) nothing. If you don’t know me let me tell you that it is not hard for me to speak what’s on my heart and mind- I am quick to blog about it when I have the time. So the fact that I couldn’t think of what to say or how to say had me frozen.

Then when April rolled around I admit I began to get a lot more nervous, but I knew, God wouldn’t let me down. So I waited and I listened, but from what I could tell, all the noise I was hearing was distracting me from hearing those words! I was personally breaking apart in so many areas in my life, I felt there was no possible way that I could stand before you and share anything that would bring Glory to the Lord regarding Motherhood, there was no way I could bring something encouraging out the mess.

Two weeks (maybe even less) Pastor Tim, or as we call him in our home Papa- helped me. He asked what I was speaking on, and when I tried to share the thoughts they were kind of a jumbled ball. He listened to my rambling and then before I knew it he helped me to come up with a title to place on our lovely invitations that went out. I felt so frustrated that I couldn’t narrow my thought down to specifics, but Papa knew where I was going- and it is exactly where God wanted me to go. So now I have a topic, now I have a title- I am ready for the words Lord. Bring em on! (there are those crickets again)

Which brings us to this week!! Ta da! On Wednesday, a little tired of waiting maybe…. I got inspired to go in one direction and I began typing my thoughts out on Thursday- until a small everyday life inconvenience happened and sent my heart and head into a tilt-a-whirl….(I won’t go into detail, but you know those little inconviences- the ones that smack you in the face when you are least prepared- say for example a car (Who you believe is possessed by a demon because of all the troubles it puts you through) who has cost you a few thousand dollars in a year and a half, who simply had a bad battery on Tuesday- then Wednesday had an alternator belt break while your husband was on his way to work (but was safe- praise the Lord)- turn into a 650 dollar job because of someone’s negligence on our engine a year ago! Add to it-four children (I only have 2 but I watch 2) who decide this is the week they don’t want to share or be kind or get along- add to a home that was suddenly clean before you left for vacation on Friday and arrived home on Monday to find it trashed on Tuesday, add to that you have to shop for groceries, come up with appropriate mother’s day gifts for your own Mother’s and come up with a mother’s day gift for your precious darlin’s to make and take home to their momma’s, add to that driving all over town because you now only have one car….you get the point.

Anyway I say all this to say, it’s been a challenging week and I still had no words to share with you (or as I learned in Tennessee this week Ya’ll) Your probably askin yourself why didn’t she just say that…well it wouldn’t have been as dramatic…and because as I said I am good for sharing my words and heart and sometimes (ok most of the time) it takes me longer to get my point across so hang in there we have another 20 minutes to go!

Ok one more thing and then I’ll get to what God’s brought me too. As I just finished telling you- every day life inconveniences were beating the snot out of me- I was overwhelmed and angry and having some serious trust issues with people. The kids were really starting to get on my nerves and were itching to go outside- so I took them out. I figured it would be good for me to clear my head and speak to the Lord about all that was hitting me in the face right then. So there I was sitting in the sun, talking to the Lord about how hurt I was and how I just felt I couldn’t handle one more thing. Ever have a day like that? The kids kept coming to the porch just enough to keep me from balling my eyes out and scaring the daylights out of them. I even took a minute to post to the world on facebook that this particular day was horrible. Because I really believe everyone in the facebook world cares about what I have to say. No sooner did I type those words, when God spoke my love language and sent me a gift to remind me of his love for me. (Show picture)

Just a little background- many years ago I was told that when you want to know if God is listening ask him to speak to you in a way that only you will recognize. Ask him to show you how he loves you- well I was sitting on a bench at a park all alone, on a beautiful sunny day and I asked, please show me you love me Lord- send me a sign…it was then that he sent a butterfly to sit right beside me on the bench, for quite awhile too I might add. When my husband proposed to me, it was because of a butterfly (another story another time) and on our wedding day I had the butterfly symbol in my bouquet.

I am going to admit that recently I had been seeing lots of butterflies in my yard…and even some magnificent rainbows- which I hope you had a chance to see (here’s another picture)I had seen them, but I guess I wasn’t really paying attention because God got personal (show next picture) and it was then that my heart softened, the tears came and the words flowed!

Here’s where the good stuff starts…

I am a horrible mother, I am in the race for the World’s Worst Mom award. I think if you ask my son- he might tell you that I am going to win and honestly I think I have a shot! Here’s how I know I qualify

1. I don’t let them eat candy everyday and in fact most of their candy goes bad before they have a chance to eat it.

2. They don’t get to watch hours of TV or play lots of video games- these are earned privileges.

3. I make them sit at the table for dinner- we rarely eat in front of the TV- this is a treat!

4. I always want to know where he is going to be and I make him check in frequently.

5. They can’t ride their bikes in the street.

6. I break child labor laws and I make them work. Each child has chores to do- even the 3 year old. I believe he thinks I lie awake thinking of evil chores for him to do.

7. I insist that they tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

8. I make them go to church every Sunday- although they love me now J and don’t mind this one.

9. I make them return items that don’t belong to them, I don’t let them touch things that aren’t theirs and if they take something that doesn’t belong to them- I make them return it and apologize

10. I make them pay for things they break or destroy or (steal)

11. I charge the older child for maid service- because maids don’t come cheap.

12. I stand over them for 2 hours while they clean up something that only takes 15 minutes.

13. I make them take care of their pet- like watering and feeding and taking her outside

14. I make them read and do homework right away- I make them read in the summer!

15. I enforce bedtime rules and I don’t let them stay up until all hours of the night.

16. My form of organization is unorganized

17. My temper is rather even until I lost it

18. I can’t remember what my kids say, I always forget

19. I get lost on my laptop at times

20. I don’t do what I want (like be on time) and I do do what I don’t want (like scream and yell)

21. I overcommit, I overthink and at times I overspend

23. I am inconsistent in my discipline

Maybe you qualify too or maybe you had a mom who did qualify. Either way I wanna take a few minutes and discuss these moms’. Some of you might not know but when I got married, my husband and I had an 80’s theme wedding- yes we even asked our guest to dress up! So you might say that I am a fan of popular culture. Pop culture influences how people think, dress and speak- this of course can be good and bad!

I have decided that today. I am going to use some TV mom’s as examples- these are mom’s that I feel have made an impression in many women’s lives- and are still continuing to do so . At one point in your life you may have been watching one of these shows and said to yourself:

“She is an amazing mom…I wish she had been my mom”

“I wanna be a mom just like her”

Or maybe you said

“I am so lucky she wasn’t my mom”

“I sure hope I am never like that”

Here is my list of influential TV mom’s from then and now!

20. Sally Field- from Brother’s and Sisters – a super helicopter mom, who is hoovers over her children. She is very nosey and has to know every single detail of her children’s lives. She has a tendency to annoy those around her.

19. Lynette Scavo- from Desperate Housewives-I’ll be honest this one drives me crazy- I am not a fan of hers, but I digress. Lynette is a mom who is very competitive in the workforce, driven and tough as nails. However she has a tendency to dominate everything and everyone in her life because she knows best.

18. Rosanne Bar- from Rosanne. I have to admit sometimes I relate very well to Rosanne. She is a blue collar working momma who wasn’t afraid to tell you like it is. (but she always used humor to tell it)

17. Murphy Brown- from Murphy Brown a highly educated, opinonated and hot tempered white collar worker. Even the Vice President had something to say about her.

16. Angela Bower-Who’s the Boss. A very successful business woman, who managed to balance her life and family with the help of others-specifically a good looking Italian housekeeper (but that’s not the point) She knew she couldn’t do it all alone!

15. Ann Romano- One Day at a Time. A hard working single mom who was raising two kids on her own- and always let her daughter’s know that she was the parent!

14. Elyse Keaton- Family Ties. A very hippy, laid back go with the flow mom. She was a family woman and an activist.

13. Florida Evans- Good Times-Florida became a widow and did whatever she had to keep her families head above water. She was a loving, tell it like it is momma, who deserved respect and admiration.

12. Carol Brady- The Brady Bunch-Carol managed to always maintain her cool while raising 6 kids in her blended family. She gave practical advice and encouraged good moral character.

11. June Cleaver- Leave it to Beaver. Never looked unkempt or frazzled. She always appeared polished and well put together. She had dinner on the table and adored and doted on her children.

10. Claire Huxtable- the Cosby show- her priority was her family and her career. She was very successful and very educated and demanded the same from her children. Education and morals were always expected!

9. Thelma Harper- from Momma’s Family- a little old small town southern lady with a big old mouth. Didn’t care who she said what to. She was always starting fights with someone.

8. Marie Baron- Everybody Loves Raymond- lived next door to her son and was never short on sarcasm. She was passive aggressive when speaking her mind and always judgemental of everyone who wasn’t her.

7. Louise Jefferson- was the wife to a very hot headed hubby. She was always working to bring him down- keep the peace. She struggled to deal with the inner trappings of money and success.

6. Edith Bunker- Archie Bunker- the sweetest wife of the biggest loud mouth on TV. One could say she was verbally abused by him and his harsh mouth. She was always trying to calm the situation down.

5. Estelle Costanza- Seinfield- (Somehow I picture myself like this…but I hope not) Estelle was always fighting with someone, yelling at everyone and humiliating herself and others. She loved to bicker and pick-not that there is anything wrong with that.

4. Laura Petrie- Mary Tyler Moore- always nervous and on edge. Worried about how she was going to get out of situations that others put her in. However Laura was always encouraging

3. Shirley Partridge- The Partridge Family- a single mom whose life literally revolved around her children. She drove them everywhere! She did what had to be done and did it with a song!

2.Vivian Banks- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air- a very level headed woman who boardered on Drill Sargent and Saint.

1. Caroline Ingles- the iconic Christian mother who displayed all the characteristics of a Proverbs 31 woman.

And honorable mention because I think she deserves it Annie Camden- Seventh Heaven- the mother of 7 children, the pastor’s wife, the homemaker. Who balanced a budget for 7 kids and managed to keep all her hair! She was strong and steadfast in her marriage and faith.

So now….

Maybe you recognized them-maybe you grew up with one of them.

Maybe you recognized yourself in them, you see your characteristics.

And maybe you see things in them you wish you hadn’t. Maybe you or your mom was the darker version of these TV mom’s

Imagine the darker verson…

Sally Fields constant invasion into her children’s lives, causes them to have severe anxiety and be medicated because they don’t know how to handle life and all the stresses that they bring.

Lynette Scavo’s kids have to seek years of therapy after her husband/their father leaves them. The kids strive to be perfect in every area of their life because imperfection is not an option- you always have to be #1

Rosanne Bar decides to live off the welfare system and quit working- and begins to hang out in bars.

Murphy Brown is so hot tempered that you can’t carry a conversation with her out of fear of how you will be torn to shreds.

Angela Bower- leaves the help to raise the children because she is so caught up in work she can’t be bothered with kids.

Ann Romano- decides she can’t raise her two kids and their problems- so she abandons them- leaving them to raise themselves.

Elyse Keaton- so laid back that she becomes her children’s friends and not their parent, leaving her children searching for a mother

Florida Evans- Abusing her children because she works long hard hours, lives in the ghetto and comes home to problems that she has to deal with as a widow.

Carol Brady- bored of her life, begins taking pills and loses herself in her shopping addictions.

June Cleaver- Who can say anything bad about her? Perfect in every way- On the outside. She is so caught up with looking good on the outside her family is falling apart inside those closed doors.

Claire Huxtable- belittles her husband and berates him so much, that the children dare not disrespect her.

Thelma Harper- is literally living all alone- no one comes to visit- no one comes to talk or share joys. The family wants nothing to do with her and her poisonous words.

Louise Jefferson- walks on eggshells and tries not to upset her husband- for he will abuse her and their son behind closed doors.

Edith Bunker-always believes she is worthless and deserves nothing.. teaches this to her daughter who marries and equally abusive man.

Marie Barone- doesn’t get to see her grandchildren anymore because her son’s and Her husband left her after 40 years of marriage- because they had all had enough.

Laura Petrie- committed suicide to escape her worries and fears, never hearing the encouragement she gave to others.

Shirley Partridge- decides to solicite her daughters to men on the road because she needs to feel successful and will do whatever it takes to get there.

Estelle Costanza- the police are called to her home often due to domestic altercations between her and everyone. (She may have been on cops a few times as well)

Vivian Banks- Drill sergeant takes over saint and she dominates her home out of fear and reverence. Speak when spoken to- do not give your thoughts or opinions they will be given to you.

Caroline Ingles and Annie Camden (yes even Christian mom’s have dark sides) both take the verse Spare the Rod and spoil the child to heart and have had children services called several times. They speak hurtful, harmful words that damage their children’s soul- pushing them further away from God, and forcing them to question their faith- all because these mom’s can’t handle the stressful life situations they are in.

So which one was it for you? Did you have the happy sitcom mom or did you have the darker version? Maybe I never even spoke about yours…maybe your story hasn’t been told yet. Let me encourage you all briefly…give you a little hope to take away.

The Changed Life Seminar I attended in March showed me that I was living the dark side and causing severe damage to the hearts of my children and my husband. My issues, my anger and rage about different things that have occurred in my past began to seep out into my relationships with my family. God showed me that I was verbally and emotionally abusing my son. I stand before you admitting that I did these things. Brent was a catalyst for me- I can’t explain it or reason it out- it just is. We are polar opposites but yet so much the same. When I speak to him behind closed doors-out of my hurt and anger- I cut- I use words that I later regret. I realized that I am damaging him more than the woman who physically abused him until he was 3. I was no better than her- in fact I was worse- I call myself a Christian. I am a broken hot mess. I can confess my heart to all of you because I am not fixed…I am not perfect… but I know that I have been forgiven…I am being restored…I am trying to fix the damage I have done and I have done a lot of damage. Maybe this is your home- or was your home- or the home of someone you know. Sadly, I think this is more common in Christian homes than we care to confess- but it’s a fact that I can not lie to you about (I mean why would I stand up here and share this with you- hello my name is Nina and I abuse my children) Who does that…I share it because

I share because when it all boils down-my influence, my words affect my children and in the end I am responsible for all that I do and say. When I stand before God - I will be accountable for me.

I share because I have hope- the hope of Christ in me- that because He is in me nothing is impossible to overcome. He defeated death surely he can defeat my issues if I let Him. And that is where I made a choice…I am letting Him. And I am getting help right now, I am working on pulling that darkness out of me and letting the light of Christ fill me- and believe me- there is a lot of work to be done. But God is a loving God and a merciful God, He created me (just like he created you) You are his beloved. He made you for a purpose, to influence, to delight in and take joy over. You may not feel it- but that doesn’t change the truth. He is in pain, watching me in pain. He is in pain watching my children be in pain- and He has provided a way out- and he provides a way out for everyone who wants it.

Surrender to His love- as He holds out His hand to you. Ask Him to forgive you and know that there is no sin to great He hasn’t ALREADY died for or forgiven- the price has already been paid for your choices…just believe it and accept His gift of forgiveness. Let Him in to the dark places and dig out the garbage-let Him bring in light. He will transform you- He will make you better- He will help you to influence those lives around you in ways you could never imagine. You don’t have to clean yourself up, stop doing things, fix yourself up- he does it all when you give Him your heart.

I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to stand up here before you and ramble for 20 minutes. I hope that I somehow brought you a little hope and encouragement and maybe influenced your thoughts just a bit!

Jesus, friend of sinners casting crowms with lyrics

2012-01-17T23:17:00.000-05:00

Casting Crowns - Behind The Song "Jesus, Friend Of Sinners"

2012-01-17T23:12:00.000-05:00

A Time to Give Thanks...a Time to Take Action

2012-01-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

Today I am having a deep thought kind of day, in fact I just posted a bunch of the questions I was thinking about on Facebook. I thought I would continue here but in fact what I really feel I need to do is just say "Thank you".
Thank you to God for this life that I am leading and thank God for the people who are in my life. I praise Him that I woke up with breath in my body and that I am in good health. I praise Him that there are people in my life who experiencing a deep sorrow and tragedy, but that I cling to the fact that HE WILL see them through this time and that HE WILL uphold them and He will protect them, if they seek Him they will find Him and in that I rejoice. I thank Him that I am able to stay at home with my two kids and take care of two others and that financially our needs are in abundance. I thank Him for the lean times we just went through a few months back, because it developed in me a new heart, to view life through different lenses of appreciation. I thank God for the land in between- the place that I am constantly living....I am not where I was and I am not yet perfected in where I want to be...but this land in between is serving a new purpose. I am thankful for change and I am thankful for the people who hate it. I am thankful that there are messy people out there who don't agree with me or like what I have to say. I am messy and I don't necessarily like what they have to say either- but I thank God that He created us all different in order to grow us, change us, challenge us, sharpen us- make us better! I thank God for those pain in the butt people who I encounter and want to yell at....because it shows me where my heart is and where it needs to be. I thank God for the fact that He is working in the lives of my children and when they pray at night before bed I am almost moved to tears because of the beauty of their love for God. I am thankful that there are people out there who want to make changes and are motivated to make changes, when many of us become complacent. I am thankful for the pain and sorrow in my own life, that has molded me and shaped me to be who I am. I am thankful that God has always been faithful to me and that I see His faithfulness in all areas of my life. I am thankful that I am aware of my unthankfulness- I am aware that I make choices and decisions that are not in my best interest or the best interest of others but I know that God is a God of second chances and forgiveness. I am thankful that if I am truly sorry and confess my sins to Him- that He no longer remembers....even when I can't forget. I am thankful that He is a good of mercy and grace and these are two things that I am not good with. I am thankful for the friends that I have lost over the years, because in my loss I have learned what it means to be a friend. I am thankful for the heartache of not being able to conceive a child with my husband yet, because He has filled our home with the love of two amazing children who were born in my heart! I am thankful that I trust His plan for my life, even when I don't know what it is. I am thankful that He doesn't strike me down with a lightening bolt when I rage against Him, or when I tell Him how unfair He is. I am thankful that my Dad was spared from Cancer and death....because this means He still has an opportunity to meet this amazing God that I know and that he has an opportunity to learn about His love for him! I am thankful that I hear God and that I recognize His voice- even if I don't always acknowledge or listen to Him- I can hear it and I know He knows me personally. I am thankful for the deep love He has for each of us, as ugly as we get, as messy as we make our lives, no matter how angry we are at Him or what we feel He has done wrong or what He has not done for us...He loves...He loves and He loves.
And tonight I just spent 20 minutes typing about the thankfulness of my heart, because tonight I am overwhelmed with His love and am so awestruck at the moment- thinking about how God views this crazy world we live in (see Facebook Wonderings)and how much He really loves ALL OF US- RED, YELLOW, BLACK, WHITE, MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN, TEENS, OLD, YOUNG and INBETWEEN, STRAIGHT, GAY, TRANSGENDER, MURDER, THIEF, LIAR, ADULTER, BLASPHEMER, GLUTTONER,SELF-RIGHTEOUS, ARROGANT, LAZY, SELFISH, PEDOPHILES, ABUSERS, DRUNKARDS, ADDICTS, IDOLATERS, ATHEIST, AGNOSTIC, WICCANS, WARLOCKS, BAPTIST, MUSLIMS, CATHOLICS (EVERY MAN MADE RELIGION ON THIS EARTH) REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS, OR ANY PARTY FOR THAT MATTER....He loves us, He loves us, He loves us. He loves us and He created us with a purpose- His purpose, for His plan, for His joy! He delights in us-not in our sin- but in us His beloved creation. And the world continues to spin and our lives move on, (or some don't...) and I find myself asking a lot of wondering questions...I wonder when we will see it? I wonder when we will answer the call for our lives? I wonder if the people will really hear and understand? I wonder what I can do, what I should be doing and how I can do it better? But most importantly I wonder...HOW DO I BEGIN???

The End of an Era...part two

2011-11-17T18:30:00.000-05:00

So I got a few private responses regarding my last blog, and I truly appreciate the encouragement and the advice. However, I did have more to say about the topic- I was just trying to break it up. I had to build suspense see- make you want to read more...lol!
Once upon a time I was a youth group leader to Jr. and Sr. High students, a wonderful time in my young adult life I might add! Anyway one of the young women in my group struggled with having a deep connection with girls her age and felt very empty without a BFF. I remember thinking at the time, how sad to be her age and not have at least 1 BFF she could confide in and share her heart with. It was foreign to me, I can honestly say growing up I had always had at least one best friend. But when I found myself without one last May, her heartache really hit me and I finally understood it. I started talking to God and saying "Lord, who am I gonna talk to about some of my deep heart issues now? Who will be there for me when I need to unload my struggles with being a mom and wife?" Now, at this point I began to mourn the loss of my friendship deeply. But God is mysterious in how He works and gets His point across to me. I began to hear Him ask me "What do you miss about her?" Well I miss that we were different and yet still had a connection and He said "Don't you have that with your other friends." Hmmm.... I miss that she knew deep things about me and still loved and respected me. "What about your women's group and the connections you have made there?" I loved that she was there when I felt like I needed to blow up and let off some steam. "Don't you still have women in your life who do that?" I loved that we would do things together and hang out. "You don't now?" I loved that she was honest and would tell me like it is. "Nina, I think you might agree that the women in your life tell you like it is now.....only maybe they do it in a way that is more encouraging and positive! Can you not turn to the multiple women in your life now at any given time and they will be there for you? Don't the women in your life love you unconditionally now? Aren't they sticking it out with you? And Nina...." Yes God...."If none of them were around....would I be enough for you? Would you trust me and allow me to fill the void for her?"
God is soooooooooooooooooo amazing! He began to show me how I didn't need 1 BFF, because He has blessed me with different women for different reasons and seasons in my life. Just like my husband is the most important thing under God, Kevin is not my all in all. Each person in my life contributes something of value, something of purpose, something of love! I can not make one friend my all in all, when I have so many He has blessed me with. Healthy friendships with amazing women!
I began to realize, it wasn't me. The friendship ending wasn't about me- it was about her and it was her issues. I can only take responsibility for my share of the relationship and I evaluate where I can improve in the friend department! A good friend was worried I was really trying to rate myself on the friendship scale, but honestly none of us is perfect- all of us fall short and that is why we need Jesus! I will never be a perfect friend and I will never find a perfect friend, but I can try to be the best that I can! I can take responsibility for things I do and say wrong, I can be more considerate and try to think more of others and less of my own problems. I can reach out more and take initiative more! I can eliminate expectations and judgement and love deeper! I realize I am blessed to know some pretty amazing women and I need to be thankful for that- because not everyone has that or finds that! God, thank you for the gift of women friends and I thank you for the heartache I had to go through to realize I had way more than I ever realized! Thank you for creating them differently and uniquely and bringing each one into my life at just the right time. Help me to be a better friend, a better example of you. Help me to love without holding back and to trust more deeply! This is the end of an era...but the start of an even greater one!

The End of an Era...part one

2011-11-14T22:22:00.000-05:00

What is the definition of a good friend to you? If we asked your friends what would they say? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most amazing friend ever- would you be a 10? Are you perfect? I am struggling once again with an issue that is now a year and a half old and I am thinking to myself; really Lord can't I be done with this already? The issue is friendship and just how good a friend have I been in the past and how good of a friend am I now? So here is my quick response: When looking at my past I sucked as a friend..on a scale of 1 to 10 I was a solid 4 maybe a 5 from time to time, but definitely not even in the 10 ballpark. I would say now as a friend I am a pretty good 7 and slide into a comfortable 8 more often than not. (Still not a 9 or 10...so for those of you friends reading if you feel cheated- now's your chance to run!)
In May of 2010, my best friend of 20 years ended our relationship. And like a marriage, I was devastated beyond words and even today, thus the reason for today's blog, I am affected by its aftermath. I feel I can compare it to marriage because I imagine this is what the end of a marriage would feel like (minus the physical intimacy part of course). This is the 1 person I trusted with my heart and soul the longest, the one who knew all the good-bad- and ugly about me and still loved me for me, someone who knew my sense of humor and my quirks, someone who knew deep things about me and didn't run away, someone my family welcomed and loved as a part of their own. I know it sounds silly but she was the best friend who I thought I would literally grow old with. I always joked with her about how my loud voice was a good thing because she was hearing impaired and when we got old she would still be able to hear me. I loved that she had an amazing memory and mine was horrid, so that when we were old she would remember and tell me stories of our lives together (kind of like Fried Green Tomatoes). We shared the joys of children and the loss of fertility together. We shared our boyfriends, fiances and husband issues and joys. We shared identity issues and worked out just who we were and what we stood for. We grew up together and I thought we'd matured together as friends, as schedules and responsibilities kept us from talking as much as we'd like. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't imagine we wouldn't always be apart of each other's lives. I believed it so much in fact that the home I love with all my heart is literally at the end of her block.
So what went wrong? Isn't that the million dollar question? The problem is I don't know the answer to it and I don't know if I ever will. My heart aches with each click of the keyboard I feel a deeper tug and the tears starting to form in the corner of my eyes. Why? How do you walk away from a friendship with no explanation and no reason? How can you just say goodbye and not look back, especially when you live right down the block from each other? Why can't I feel better? Why do I still cry, even though I am sooooooo angry at her? Why can't I look at her as she drives by me? What did I do? Why didn't she give us a chance to fix whatever was wrong? More than anything WHAT WAS WRONG in the first place? I have played it over and over and over again in my head. And here is what I got....Before her, I always walked out on relationships (friendships or dating) and because I trusted in my heart that she would never leave me.
Let me elaborate a little on the first revelation, I don't say it lightly and I am ashamed to admit it, but the truth is the truth. During some prayer time with God, He revealed to me a pattern in my life and that pattern is "When the going get's tough or too intimately close (not physically) I end it." Why? Because (now I just learned this about myself) I need to end it before they had a chance to hurt me. God didn't show me that to hurt me or to make me feel shameful, although I did struggle with that at first. He showed me so that I could learn from it and grow. This prayer time and journaling gave God time to speak to my heart. In my journal I began to write all the loves I have lost (whether it was friends or boyfriends and sadly there were many) and then for whatever reason I began to look over the list and consider why it ended. It was then I began to notice my history of running...which, come on, qualifies me as a pretty bad friend! Who runs out on a relationship and friendship because it was to personal or too close? What kind of person says I am gonna hurt you first before you hurt me? A wounded one...a poor, broken in spirit girl. Running was my protection, it was my safety net, it was the only way I knew to deal with my problems. I am not saying each time I ran wasn't for a good reason, some were, some were not, the point is I ran! However, with my friend I actually stuck it out and endured the hard stuff with her. Which is when it hit me, my newly ended friendship wounded me so badly because I didn't call the shots, I wasn't in control. It was the first time ever that I was the one who was broken up with. And I gotta say, it stunk!
The second part of my revelation is about to sound rude and may even offend, please realize this was a hurt woman's thinking at the time. Due to certain life experiences, I had it set in my head that men may leave your life and they may cheat, but friends are not supposed to, not best friends of 20 years anyway. So when she left, and she did cheat- cheated our friendship- my whole sense of trust was thrown into a 'universal tilt-a-whirl' if you may! Not only did I struggle with trusting men, but I also had a history of not trusting women. The distrust in men came from examples I saw regularly on a personal level and in the world around me. The distrust from women came at the end of my high school years and the beginning of my college years. I was not very wise with some of the people I associated myself with, gossipers, back stabbers and manipulators (see why I left first?). I always knew if they talked bad about each other when they weren't around, what did they say about me when I wasn't around? However, God had other plans for my heart and about 8 years ago- the women's group in my church began to show me just how wrong my thinking was. These amazing women began to show me how women can inspire, encourage and help each other out. They were mentors, they were there to show what real friendship looked like. They were real with one another and that allowed me to let my guard down and be real with them (on a safe level of course) I began to know that what I shared in the bible study wasn't being gossiped about around the church. With that being said, I haven't honestly let anyone get really deep with me yet. I didn't think I needed too because in my mind, I already had a BEST friend. I mean why do you need more than 1 BESTIE? These women were great, but I wasn't on the market shopping around. I mean who wants to share their deep stuff with someone new, I mean I had her and my husband- that's all I needed....or so I thought!

No your roll? Know you're roll? No your role? Know your role

2011-09-06T22:02:00.000-04:00

I have begun a new journey in my life, a new role has been added to my resume- I am now an official FULL TIME DOMESTIC ENGINEER! Thank you to the wonderful hard working husband I have, who has made it possible for me to be here with my family. When I started tossing the idea around for the 1,000,000,000,000,000 time last year, I knew I had to pray about it because my first instinct to leave was not necessarily based on positive things that were happening at that particular time in my life. I knew I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and it was something Kevin and I had spoken about many, many times before. I had to make sure I wasn't just running away from my problems. So I started asking "God, I really really want to stay at home next year, but financially I can not be irresponsible for my family, what is it you want me to do?" and "Lord, help me realize this is your will and not mine" I am pleased to say I listened and I heard....not once, but many times in many ways.
One of the boldest and strongest ways he spoke to me was through the thoughts of dreaming big for Him, I heard this message when I took some of our senior high girls to a christian girl's conference called ReVolve-the title of the conference was Dream On. Then I attended a Women of Faith conference with the ladies from my church and the conference title was Imagine. So I began to dream and imagine BIG IDEAS for God.
In case you don't know me well, let me tell you one thing about me that is my strength and my weakness- I am great at getting ideas and feeling excited and sharing them with everyone who will listen, however the weakness is that I fail to follow through all the time. I am afraid to commit (kind of ironic) to a plan all the way in fear that I might fail or I might not know what I am doing, so I will drop it! I am confessing to the 4 people who read this blog, that I, Nina Smith am horrible at follow through!
Imagine then, that here I am all pumped up for God with all these ideas running through my head about what I can do for God if I stay home. And I am available now, so God can use me in soooo many different areas to help and organize and do things for the church and it's members. I had a great burden to help do a mission outreach to Brand Whitlock tenants, but then overwhelmed myself so much with my big dreams that I cut myself off at the knees and have been frozen ever since. Have you ever had that feeling? Passionate and on fire one minute, but then you get too close and you turn down the fire? I did and I have and now I am wondering "Lord, what is my role?" "Where do you want me Lord?" and He says "Here, Listen"
"Ok Lord I am listening, speak now, tell me Lord, I really wanna know"
"Listen"
"Lord I listen, I am here and ready to go, got things to do, so tell me Lord!"
"Listen"
"Lord, I've got a lot I can do around my house to get it in order- do you want me to do something there?"
"Listen"
"Lord, I am free, do you want me to make myself available to one of the elderly women at our church to help take her out and drive her around to appointments and erands?
"Listen"
"Lord, I can take in a few kids into my home while I am waiting for you to tell me what my new role is, is that ok with you?"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can really work on building up my ministry and working on the churches websites"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can organize more events and do more things for the church, with this extra time that I have"
"Listen"
"Lord, I can...." (Get the picture)
I am in a new role, and I am out of my old role. I was Mrs. Smith the teacher, sharing the love of God with my students. That's what I went to college for, that's what I thought I wanted to do with my entire working career. I thought that was my purpose in life. But the desire is changed, the heart is in limbo wondering if that wasn't it, what is it? Where do I fit in now? I don't want to fall into habits that are dull and tedious, I want passion for life when I wake up everyday I wanna be exciteded to be doing the Lord's work....but honestly... I am not there yet. I am in the land of in between and I can't say that I like it..happy I am not where I was but not happy because I am not where I want to be. So the Lord says "Listen" not DO or GO....but just be here and listen" Speak Lord, your servant is listening (and putting a muzzle over her mouth now)
Job 40: 3-5 Job answered: "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me. I should never have opened my mouth!
I've talked too much, way too much. I'm ready to shut up and listen."

It's that time of year again

2011-08-22T15:49:00.001-04:00

Because I was so frequent in my blogging (pause for sarcasm) it's really not that hard to believe it's been a year since I blogged about the nasty stuff that happened last August. It still doesn't seem that far removed from me, not because I recall the instances that happened but because I recall all the emotion that went with it. It started with my nephew having a seizure and the snowball rolled down hill from there.
This year I am blessed and fortunate enough to say that August does not suck.. for me anyway. What I am discovering however, is that this month does suck for a lot of other people and that...makes my heart ache. I don't know what it is about this particular month, maybe it's coincidence or maybe it's not, but August has challenged those I love in so many ways. I will not name names, but in the past week here's what those I love are enduring: death of a father, a house flooding, losing a business, a 14 year old girl in a drug induced coma because when she is awake her body can't stop seizing, dealing with the loss of a friend who took their own life and watching the spouse try to pick up the pieces and asking why, a baby who was shaken so much that they are now considered brain dead and a the decision to take this 4 month old off of life support, cars breaking down, a very young spouse being told he has to have open heart surgery, cancer returning in young and old cancer survivors, a foster family who have fostered many many kids is accused of abusing a child, loved ones dealing with depression, and I will stop there. Maybe you are one of them, maybe you are suffering and you think your suffering is greater than those above or maybe you think it's fairly insignificant compared to others. Whatever the case may be, know that there is a God out there who is fully aware of what is going on and He wants YOU to share it with him.
Psalm 42:11 says "Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God- soon I'll be praising again (Did you get that? SOON, SOON you will be joyful! This which you are going through will not last!) He puts a smile on my face, He's my God!
This is from my Power to Change Devotional:
All of us have moments when we feel discouraged by life’s circumstances. Sometimes our loved ones’ efforts to lighten our load or lift our spirits fall short, and we wonder if we will ever emerge from today’s trying situation with our joy intact.
It’s good to know that our Father invites us to confide in Him, to share our feelings honestly in prayer. He cares for us and understands our needs and weaknesses. His comforting words, “Be of good cheer,” can mean more to a hurting heart than anything else in the world.
These verses remind us that we can also encouraging ourselves to hope in God, and continue to praise Him, no matter how bleak our outlook may be. We can do this by singing psalms or hymns, or reflecting on His goodness and speaking well of Him. Of course, there are times when even this seems too difficult, but just whispering a praise can usher in a sense of liberty and peace.
There have been times when I thought, “I’ll never be cheered up.” Yet as soon as I began to remind myself of His mercy and goodness, the clouds would begin to disperse. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of our problems will receive a quick fix or that it will be smooth sailing from here on out, but it does mean that our faces will brighten, the weight of the burden will lessen. We will be free to experience the joy of the Lord in the midst of life’s storms and challenges.

Father, at times it seems as if nothing can cheer me up. Yet I am reminded to hope in You and continue to give You praise, because You are my God. I look to You today for Your holy joy, for Your peace that passes all human understanding, and because You are the health and the help of my sad expression. Encourage me through Your Holy Spirit, Amen.

MORE ENCOURAGEMENT
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest"
Jeremiah 31:2 "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint"
Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles: they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and will not faint"

Can I call you mom?

2011-08-03T23:08:00.000-04:00

After the deep heart to heart Brent and I had about his biological mom and dad, and Lottie meeting her sister (which was postponed due to poison ivy!) I knew Brent was going to want to see his own siblings. I am happy to say that God has done some miraculous things in my heart and my husband's heart to get us to where we are today. After some discussion, we felt that it would be a good thing for Brent to be able to get together for a play date with his brothers and his biological mother-Brandy. There was a certain peace we had in our hearts, knowing that it was something that would bring him joy. So I promised I would make the call after we met Lottie's sister, but God had other plans.
On B's birthday we received a message from Brandy's dad (my uncle) to wish Brent a happy birthday, we called him back and I felt the nudge "Now is the time...talk to him". When Brent was finished speaking to him, I took the phone and asked him to please have Brandy call me. I shared that we would like to have her bring the boys to a park and meet for a play date so Brent could visit with her and them. I didn't have her number so I asked him to have her call me. I could hear the shock and surprise in his voice when I asked, and even more shock when I invited him (long story- save it for another blog). He was excited, Brent was excited and I felt like we were doing the right thing. However, God had other plans again (just an FYI I am often out of the loop when He has plans)
This past Sunday I was going to a baby shower and I asked my dad to keep Brent while the girls went to the shower- we were all set to go right after church. The plan was drop off Brent to play with Grampy. The phone rang at 11:30, just as church was ending, it was my step-mom Jill asking me to bring Brent's bathing suit and towel. My dad was going to take him swimming over at my aunt and uncle's house and Brandy, her boys and my uncle were going to be there. Wow, ok God- this works out even better- thanks! I shared with Brent what was going to happen and I watched his face light up! He was so excited!
The shower came and went, and I stayed as cool as a cucumber. I didn't have any fears, anxiety or reservations about Brent's day. I will admit I was very anxious to ask him all about it and hear how it went. When he got in the car, he shared that he had a good time and he seemed in good spirits. I asked him if he enjoyed the time with his brothers, to which he went on about how one can swim and the other can't. He had obviously enjoyed his time. The mom in me couldn't help but wonder about her, so I asked
"Did you talk to Brandy?"
"Yeah, a little bit"
"Did she ask you questions about you?"
"Umm, a few, like about school and grades and stuff. Oh yeah and I asked her if I could call her mom."
"Oh, what did she say?"
"She said I could"
"How do you feel about that?"
"I feel great, because she is my mom too- she gave birth to me"
"Yep, she sure did" and just like that he changed the subject. One would think that at that time I would have been stirred or upset at that statement, but at that moment I was calm. I thought to myself, the boys were playing and calling her mom and knowing my son, he just wanted to join in and call her mom too.
Later that night however, the THUDS came! When it was time for bed, I was talking to Brent about his blessings for the day.
"One blessing was I got to see my other mom today and visit with my brothers." POKE
"I'm glad I have two moms" JAB
"I can't wait to see my mom again" STAB
What do you say? How do you feel? There is no text book for adopted parents on how to deal with these things. So what did I say? Nothing, I smiled for him. How did I feel? A little bit cheated that I had to share the title. How do I feel now? Confused. It's been a few days since Sunday and he hasn't spoken of her or his brothers, but the phrase "Can I call you mom?" lingers. I can't tell him not to call her that, you can not, no matter how hard you try, make a child stop loving their parents. They can be the worse people in the world and a child will always long for that parents approval. I can't be mad at him, he isn't wrong. He loves, he desires what should have been. He was just sharing his heart, his feelings. When it all comes down to it, it's my issue and then I found this: For finding you mother, there's one certain test. You must look for the creature who loves you the best. -Little Miss Spider
I know that I am his mom and I will be his forever mom but tonight I grasp that she is his mom too. She is worthy of the title in my eyes because she chose life for Brent! She chose to carry my son in her womb and give him a chance at life. Then she loved him enough to give him to my husband and I. She dared to give Brent a life she could not and then sacrificed her wants and needs to give him his. Isn't that a mom too?

Thanks Max

2011-07-27T23:32:00.000-04:00

For the past few weeks I have found myself pulling further away from my time with God. Sure I manage to sneak in a quick 2 minute devotional read, but I really haven't spent any quality time with him. If you know me, you know that Christ is a big part of my life and I would like to say He is one of my very best friends. But honestly, these days- I suck at being a friend back to Him. I don't answer His calls, He tries to connect with me through His word, music, books, news articles, Sunday Sermons, my children. He speaks in ways that I will hear Him best, ways that speak to my heart and say "Hey, I have something I want to share with you- are you there?" He always gets a busy signal and He is always leaving messages for me, the problem is I am too busy to listen to those messages or hear what He wants to share with me.

Last year in August, a whorl wind of trouble began raining down in multiple areas of my life and it pretty much lasted until this April. Every month a new attack presented itself and every time I felt like my head was above water, something or someone pulled me back under. There were many times when I felt like I wouldn't make it, it appeared as if I was living in an eternal season of winter. I felt like I was poked, prodded, shoved, pushed, pulled in every direction. But the one thing that got me through was my faith in Jesus Christ. He was my rescuer from the water, His hand pulled me up to keep me from drowning. The warmth of His love, kept that season of winter from making my heart cold and killing my relationship with Him. He stayed by my side and provided food for my soul daily. When I felt like I had nothing left in me to give, He refreshed me with living water. He was in all ways my rock and my salvation. When April came, changes began and I felt some of the chains that bound me breaking free...I felt joy again in my heart and I flew as high as I could and embraced the new challenges He set before me.

I didn't doubt, I didn't fear, I just pressed forward...the problem is I got to far ahead of Him and now it is hard to see Him. I ran ahead, forgetting what He had done and where I came from, only to find myself with this new feeling of melancholy and frustrations. I am admitting there is not much joy in my heart, where joy was is now replaced by grouchiness, irritability, frustration, anger and down right bad attitude. Why? Where did this come from? What is my problem? Today I opened my e-mail and I was thump-thudded and I realized what was going on...so why am I writing this? To encourage you, as I have been encouraged! The following comes from Max Lucado, one of my favorite Christian writers of all time. He is a modern day parablist, whose writing always manages to speak to my heart, I pray it speaks to yours too.

Week of July 22
Thump-Thud, Thump-Thud
When a potter bakes a pot, he checks its solidity by pulling it out of the oven and thumping it. If it “sings,” it’s ready. If it “thuds,” it’s placed back in the oven.
The character of a person is also checked by thumping. Been thumped lately?
Late-night phone calls. Grouchy teacher. Grumpy moms. Burnt meals. Flat tires. You’ve-got-to-be-kidding deadlines. Those are thumps. Thumps are those irritating inconveniences that trigger the worst in us. They catch us off guard. Flat-footed. They aren’t big enough to be crises, but if you get enough of them, watch out! Traffic jams. Long lines. Empty mailboxes. Dirty clothes on the floor. Even as I write this, I’m being thumped. Because of interruptions, it has taken me almost two hours to write these two paragraphs. Thump. Thump. Thump.
How do I respond? Do I sing? Or do I thud?
Jesus said that out of the nature of the heart a man speaks (Luke 6:45). There’s nothing like a good thump to reveal the nature of a heart. The true character of a person is seen not in momentary heroics but in the thump-packed humdrum of day-to-day living.
If you have a tendency to thud more than you sing, take heart.
The true character of a person is seen not in momentary heroics but in the thump-packed humdrum of day-to day living.
There is hope for us “thudders”:
1.     Begin by thanking God for thumps. I don’t mean a half-hearted thank-you. I mean a rejoicing, jumping-for-joy thank-you from the bottom of your heart (James 1:2). Chances are that God is doing the thumping. And he’s doing it for your own good. So every thump is a reminder that God is molding you (Heb. 12:5–8).
2.     Learn from each thump. Face up to the fact that you are not “thump-proof.” You are going to be tested from now on. You might as well learn from the thumps—you can’t avoid them. Look upon each inconvenience as an opportunity to develop patience and persistence. Each thump will help you or hurt you, depending on how you use it.
3.     Be aware of “thump-slump” times. Know your pressure periods. For me Mondays are infamous for causing thump-slumps. Fridays can be just as bad. For all of us, there are times during the week when we can anticipate an unusual amount of thumping. The best way to handle thump-slump times? Head on. Bolster yourself with extra prayer, and don’t give up.
Remember, no thump is disastrous. All thumps work for good if we are loving and obeying God.

Hello Old Friend

2011-07-12T22:58:00.000-04:00

Tonight is a good night to begin my blogging again, I honestly can say I have tons of ideas in my head and I am gonna try to be as faithful as possible in getting those thoughts out. We got a phone call shortly after July 4th, Lottie's half-sister, let's call her Alexis, was asking her grandparent about whether she had any brothers or sisters. When we took Lottie one of the things Kevin and I agreed on was making sure all our children knew their half-sibs, we know how important family is and we don't want to lie to them about their history. We decided we will reveal when necessary and when it's age appropriate. Alexis is 9 and is asking lots of questions, so her grandparent called the CASA, who knows both of Lottie and Alexis and their biological mother- point...Alexis is ready to meet her sibling. We decided that Lottie is young enough that now would be ok, we are not sure how much she will understand at 3, but it's important to Alexis. So Kevin and I agreed it would take place in a few weeks, in a neutral place, like a park and our whole family would go. I really don't have any feelings one way or the other yet, but I am sure as time draws near- I will blog it.
That was this morning, this afternoon while we were swimming I thought it would be a good time to kind of share with Brent what was going to be happening. I don't know why I said it, I didn't really think about it or even pray about how to tell him, I just sort of said it. He thought it was cool she was close to his age and he would have a new friend to play with (smirk). Bug's only statement was "What sister?" ...I tell her a big sister. She says "Oh, I haven't met her yet" End of conversation. Simple for her 3 year old mind, she won't have another thought about it until she meets Alexis. However, what I did not intend on was how the wheels would start turning in my son's head. In case you are not familiar with my son, he is very methodical, he analyzes things and really thinks about certain things at times- never mind he is impulsive the majority of the time with actions! So tonight at bedtime, I tuck in Bug and say prayers, it was a pretty easy night with no bed time beatings...JOKE....I walk into Brent's room and kneel down thinking it was gonna be a quick in and out with him WRONG!
I ask Brent and Lottie every night before prayers what their blessings are for the day and what their disappointments are. I was not at all ready for what he shared with me. "One of my disappointments today was that Brandy wasn't able to do the right thing and take care of me" (We've had this discussion before) I listened to him share his heart and then I asked, "Hey Buddy what made you think of Brandy today? Was it because I started talking about Lottie meeting her sister?" "Yeah" He then proceeded to talk about some of his past and the people in it and he ended up with someone he referred to as, his other mother. I was quick to share that the woman he lived with, who abused him was not in anyway a mother to him, she was just a woman he lived with. We then proceeded to talk about the story of how he came to live there (again, we have had this conversation...but almost 8 now brings new insight and deeper thoughts) "Why did Brandy leave me there?" Tears flowed down his little cheeks, as he looked at me searching for some reason. My heart broke, my response as truthful as I can be "She didn't know that the EVIL LADY was hurting you too, she just thought she was hurting her"
And then it happened...the question we have been bracing ourselves to answer, because he has come so close in asking before, but always stopped short...
"But what about my dad?" I breathed in slowly and under my breath said "Here goes Lord" Outloud-"Do you mean daddy?"
"No not him,the other guy?"
"The guy who helped make you with Brandy?"
"Yea, him" (DEEP BREATHS)
I then proceeded to tell him as delicately, as age appropriately as possible that we didn't know much about him and that like Brandy he wasn't able to take care of him. We said he didn't want to be a dad and didn't want to have anything to do with kids or babies. He was very selfish and just wanted to play and do what he wanted to do, he didn't care about anyone else. I watched as my son broke down in my arms saying "How can anyone not want their son or baby?" I cried with him and hugged him and held him for as long as he let me. "I can't believe he didn't want me" I gave him some time to cry before trying to pick up his heart and help hold it back together again.
"Brent, do you know what? It wasn't that this guy didn't want you, He didn't know you he never met you- but I don't doubt for one minute that had he met you- he would have fallen in love with you and wanted you- I know your daddy did" I shared with him the first time Kevin laid eyes on him and how Brent just loved Kevin and flirted with him, he even cuddled on the couch with him after an hour of meeting him. I told him how Kevin's heart was captivated and he knew from the moment he laid eyes on Brent that him. I said "Just think if you hadn't come into our lives, if that bad thing didn't happen with Brandy and that guy- then we wouldn't have you and without you, we wouldn't have Lottie, and without you and Lottie we wouldn't be a family. So God took something so bad and turned it into something so good, because GOD wanted you too. That's why He made you in the first place. He wanted you to be and do all the amazing and incredible things Konner Brent Logan Smith can do! Daddy and I, our lives would be so boring without you- who would we yell at? Who would I tickle? Who would say silly prayers and teach Lottie what to do?" He laughed and hugged me, and started saying "Who would Grampy and Grammie spoil?" "Who would Papa play catch with?" "Who would you ground?" I laughed and cried at the same time..."No one Brent, no one- because He made you and formed you in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139) He has plans to prosper you Brent, He has plans that only you can do. Other people can do them, but NO ONE can do them the way you do them. You are special and loved and wanted by so many people and we praise God that He gave you to us! Because we wanted you before we met you!" I watched as my son's eyes lit up and the joy returned to his face, praise God for He heals the broken hearted- His words bring healing to His soul and as Brent's mommy I am eternally gratefully to our Redeemer who makes beautiful things out of dust and out of us!

***"One last question mom?"
"Yes B?"
"How does a man help a woman make a baby?"
(Laughing inside my head loudly) "We will save that conversation for another night son...."

God’s Salvation · Max Lucado

2011-07-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

God’s Salvation · Max Lucado

Missing my blog

2011-01-27T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am still alive and hopefully one day in the very near future I will begin blogging again. My life was a whirlwind of adventure and struggles and I believe I am either A. Coming out of the storm or B. I am in the middle of the Hurricane and this is just a calm- either way I always have stuff to say and things on my mind that I think people should hear (LOL) but finding the time has been the most difficult challenge. My goal for 2011- like everything else-MAKE THE TIME! You'll be hearing from me soon...maybe

Amy Grant - Overnight (Slideshow With Lyrics)

2010-10-07T23:26:00.000-04:00

Becoming Real

2010-09-17T21:10:00.000-04:00

I wanted to take a quick minute to inform those who read why I blog. I don't blog because I want the attention (although I do like it) or because I want sympathy (but I do appreciate the compassion from others), I don't blog because I try to create drama (although sometimes it feels I am surrounded by it), I don't blog to nag and complain (well, I try not too...lol) and I most definitely am not out to hurt someone's feelings.
My reason for blogging is to share my experiences, good, bad, pretty or ugly, I want people to see the real me. God has been teaching me that we live in a society where people (including me at times) wear pretty masks and hide behind fake smiles and use statements like "things are fine", when in fact their worlds are crumbling all around them. But unless you speak up, no one notices your struggle and pain, because they too are living their lives maybe they are happy and content or maybe, just maybe they are struggling and suffering too. So we isolate parts of our souls and keep them hidden in darkness, when we should be crying out to others, bringing pain into light and asking for help, prayer and strength!
God wants us to be real with one another, He wants us to encourage one another and share the journey...He wants you to know that you are not in this alone- I am not alone. I blog to share not only the joys and trials of motherhood, but the struggles of being a Godly woman, a teacher, a wife, a minister of the gospel, a social worker, a taxi driver, etc. The list is extensive- right ladies? How many hats do you wear? How many mask do you own?
The bible says to laugh when others laugh and cry when they cry. I do not believe for one second that my life is the only busy and chaotic life out there, and it's very easy to get wrapped up in ME and MY LIFE. But I know in my heart, that it is not about me. God has a bigger purpose and a plan for my life- these bumps in the road, these joys, these heart aches, all of it...they are just single strings in the tapestry design God is weaving, the tapestry that is my life.
I pray that when I arrive in heaven God will show me what He did with all those strings, because honestly like the back of the tapestry now- it looks like a big mess...
I don't blog because I am self-absorbed (although I own it at times), I blog because I want others to know that there is an amazing and loving God who desires the hearts of His created ones. He loves you no matter what you are doing, what you are feeling or not feeling. He doesn't expect you to be perfect (although we expect it of ourselves at times), He just ask for you, for your heart, for you to believe and receive that Jesus died for you. He loved you so much that Jesus died so that you might live! God not only gave his life up for you, but He took the time and love to fashion and form you in your mother's womb. God knows the plans He has for you and your life (and mine), He plans to prosper us, He plans to give us hope and a future! He is why I blog...He is my legacy.

Before the Morning (music video)

2010-09-16T23:12:00.000-04:00