First off, sorry for the hiatus. Blogging became less  and less of a priority to me as of late. Why? Mostly because I’m not good at it. Next order of business, Happy Cinco de Mayo. Where everyone drinks but no one admits to being Mexican!

And on to my reason for posting, not only did my good friend Monday Morning Punter (a.k.a. Punte) (a.k.a. Josh Zerkle) (a.k.a. Hater of Earth) leave my old favorite sports blog, With Leather but my favorite podcast that I was never on, Dan Levy has officially shut down the On The DL Podcast. Now this is old news to many of you…but I’m a famous comedian and I can’t get around to things as quick as I used to. Anyway, the point is Dan had an idea for the show where people make predictions on how they think they sports world will turn out in 2 years. I offered my predictions but sadly, none of them made the show….

*sobs in the corner*

Join me after the JUMP! *Tony Reali voice*

Related posts:

1. Stephen A Smith vs. Dan Levy And Blogfrica

The Sandlot is a movie that has garnished much attention from the people I actually talk to on twitter. Though that is a very small circle…some may even say it’s smaller than that fat ginger’s freckles on the tip of his snout…I feel this topic is necessary to post about because of the larger picture. A MUCH larger picture. A picture so large that some would say, “Hey, that’s a pretty large picture.”

The fact is, that the Danger Guerrero we all know and love is hiding something. He’s hiding something within this movie and more specifically, this “genius” scene break down that the rest of you morons were missing…follow me after the jump if you’re curious.

Let’s just call this piece: “An in-depth breakdown of the person who brokedown The Challenge scene from The Sandlot.” Now I don’t know how to do fancy slide shows, but I do know how to step inside the mind of a serial killer. Moving on…and this isn’t from the scene break down but immediately after I said I discovered something in The Sandlot, Danger Guerrero got nervous and he took to twitter to do a little recon-work. Like I wasn’t going to dig deeper. C’mon, son! I always dig deep! Ask any 16 and a half year old in the tri-state area!

So, we all know Danger Guerrero is very, very vain, right? Now, he said he has seen this movie 30 times. Well, at least 30 times. Something just isn’t right about that either, is it? I’ll be honest and I’ve seen this movie a bunch of times, but 30? I was born in 1986, 7 years before this movie was made. I think I would be the front runner for who has seen “The Sandlot” the most amount of times in their entire adult life, but no. Some dude on the internet has claimed to have seen it 30 times. Hm. I’ll take your word for it sir, because I believe it to be true. If not more!

On that very same page, he makes a crack at The Sandlot being old…It’s not. The movie is 18 years old but it warranted this comment from our boy DG: “Before we get started, for any of you who want to die a little in your soul, there’s this: seeing as it was released in 1993, if it were a person, The Sandlot would now be old enough to buy cigarettes. Guh. Let’s go.”

First of all, he says this joke as if he was mad that the film was old. Like it makes him feel old. Like a mother would gasp at her child hitting puberty. And secondly, I don’t want to bash my friend but that’s what we call “cold joke” in the comedy business. A cold joke is where you are warming up the audience by throwing little jokes at them just to get them to chuckle, or warm up. As in, you would throw a cold joke at a cold audience. Riddle me this, intelligent reader. Why would a vain internet writer waste his time with “cold jokes?” Especially when their identity is not revealed thus having zero repercussions on their true person for typing words? Well, I’ll tell you. Because he’s show business savvy. That’s why. That’s what that joke proves. Plain and simple. He has probably taken an improv. class or two in his life. Who knows, maybe even a developmental comedy class. I see them all the time, they’re cheap. It would be some good material for your résumé, wouldn’t it?

And lastly, why this scene? Why “The Challenge?” In my opinion, it’s one of the weaker scenes in the movie. I’d much rather write about Squints kissing Wendy Peffercorn or “The Chase” with Hercules and Benny the Jet. C’mon! It was set to “Wipe Out” for Christ’s sake! Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Danger Guerrero chose that scene from The Sandlot because he was in it. Yes sir. Danger Guerrero was a one hit wonder and was in The Sandlot. He’s watched it so many times because he knows he’s peaked with his presence in such a great film. He’s trying to reinvent himself on the internet using a fake alias and doesn’t want to be known as that guy from The Sandlot (like Squints gets). He is show-biz savvy and even the age coincides (sort of). The whole “law school” thing was a farce. He’s thrown out so many decoys that you can’t believe what he says. You need to take it from me, I’m a *trained detective.

*un

Anyway, let’s get to my conclusion. Danger Guerrero is Wil Horneff also known as “Phillips” from The Sandlot. Think about it. “Danger” is because of all of Wil’s hobbies that include rock climbing, flying and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and “Guerrero” an obvious play on his jealousy of losing the leading role to the hispanic Mike Vitar (Benny the Jet). Or is it just because he travels to Spain once a year for the running of the bulls? Full of danger and Guerreros! Born in Jersey, raised a Philly fan. I don’t know DG, you tell me?

You sly boots, DG.

This is why he thinks Phillips stole the show of The Challenge! IT WAS HIM! He let his hate marinate for Ham Porter whom everyone called a hero for delivering the classic line: “YOU PLAY BALL LIKE A GIRL!” like the H-Bomb that it was at that time. He was jealous of Ham for getting all the attention. But “You bob for apples in the toilet… and you like it!” was so clever and witty. Yeah right, Danger. We get it. You can improv, it wasn’t THAT great.

DG or Horneff was mad because he had to wear a jacket on that hot day of filming while Vitar got to film in the nice, cool swimming pool. That’s why he stabbed that writer’s dog!

“Serious discussion point: Almost half of the insults Porter throws out would double as good titles for disturbing foreign porn films. Especially “Pee-Drinking Crapface.” Get on it, Germans.” That’s weird, DG…Wil Horneff likes to spend A LOT of time in Europe. Specifically Germany, where he is fluent? Hm. Could you make this any easier?

The only thing I don’t get is the love for Squints. I can’t seem to find the connection other than Brandon Moskal interference who has Squints as his Twitter avatar for a long time and convinced DG to be nice to at least this protagonist after 18 years of hatred and jealous of the Wendy Peffercorn scene. Tell me the drawing of DG and the picture of Wil Horneff aren’t identical? You can feel the jealousy, rage and shame.

It’s either Moskal interference or the fact that Chauncey Leopardi is the only one to keep his role from the first movie in the direct-to-DVD sequel “The Sandlot: Heading Home.” Maybe Horneff would like to get the gang back together and play the bad guy again? Make a few bucks?

So to be honest with you, everything in his post was highly critical or able to be criticized EXCEPT f for the talk about the Phillips character…

And you can tell that all of this is true through the comedic style tweeting of THEDangerGuerrero. You can tell he misses someone but still bitter that he’s passed his prime or mad about the success of his remaining pals. Except ALL of his other friends from his old Sandlot bike gang died in a horrible gay HIV accident except for one guy…

Why else would he mention this guy!?

That’s because this kid grew up to be, none other than, ELI MANNING.

BOOM!

I HAVE EXERCISED THE DEMONS! THIS ROOM IS CLEAR! *humps* YES! YES! YES!

No related posts.

The Man pictured above is one Ueli Steck. He is not the most physically imposing man that you’ll ever come across, but his tremendous skill at mountain climbing brings up to the Rushmore of Manly Men. In 2008 after abandoning an attempt to climb Annapurna, he returned to base camp. Days later though, Spanish climber Inaki Ochoa de Olza collapsed during an attempt up the mountain, and Ueli climbed to try and save the man’s life, though it was too late. Think about that the next time someone asks for help moving furniture and you’re too lazy to help.

Anyways, I kind of rambled on there. Moving on. In 2003 climber Christoph Hainz did a speed climb in four and a half hours, which inspired Ueli(Warning, link in Swiss). In 2007 Ueli climbed the 13,025 ft Eiger mountain in three hours and fifty four minutes. Unsatisfied and knowing he had not reached his potential, he set out to make himself leaner, faster and stronger.

After receiving criticism on his record for using the route and hooks of a previous climber, he gave the climbing world a big eff you and threw up his middle fingers(figuratively, of course, he seems to be a really nice guy). Having already shed 9 lbs from his previous climbing weight, he decided to go minimalist in an effort to beat his time. He carried some energy gels, bars, crampons, ice axes and a climbing rope up with him as his only supplies. The rope was in case of emergency only and not intended to be part of his actual climbing procedure.

So with minimal supplies, and a sure heart, he set off in 2008 to beat his already record time of Eiger, this time with a film crew. He broke his own record by over an hour and he used no one else’s route or previously existing equipment. Ueli climbed the 13,025 foot tall mountain in an astonishing 2 hours and 47 minutes. With no real safety gear or precautions. In doing so, he has shown himself as one of the manliest men of being a man. Nothing you do will ever even approach what he accomplished. Below the jump is an utterly breathtaking 4 minute HD video clip that is a promo for the upcoming film, “Swiss Machine” by Sender Films. I recommend that you watch it on full screen HD for all it’s brilliant glory.

Thanks to Bruce Arthur for the video.

No related posts.

The NFL Scouting Combine has been airing for the past few days on NFL Network. I’m always fascinated by the process of evaluating these college football players who are competing to impress NFL personnel into drafting the player early thereby ensuring a significant payday. After all, it’s dolla dolla bill, y’all. What fascinates me about the combine and also the draft are the same reasons my favorite part of the Madden NFL games is always the offseason portion. It’s building a team through player evaluation that gets my high motor going.

Cliches abound at the draft. It’s what sport, and I guess life, fall back on. Two terms I hear thrown around a lot are measurables and intangibles. I’m not saying there’s no value in those terms because there is. I’m saying they’re cliched because people throw the terms around a lot. Sunday at the combine was the day the quarterbacks, running backs, and wide receivers were evaluated on the field, and I took special notice of how two wide receivers were being analyzed by the NFL Network crew. On most draft boards the two highest-rated receivers are A.J. Green and Julio Jones. From what I’ve seen on the field and yesterday in the drills I understand why those two are the highest rated. They are both outstanding athletes, although Julio Jones stood way out from Green in the drills yesterday. He “jumped out of the gym” as one NFL Network analyst put it. (I think it was Rich Eisen.) He did jump out of the gym. You saw his natural athletic ability in a measurable and impressive way. To be honest he kind of put Green and the other wide receivers to shame. These guys aren’t compared solely on the basis of who has the fastest 40 yard dash time or who broad jumps the furthest, though. That would be ridiculous. Mike Mayock does a good job of guiding the discussion when the people on set are talking about players. He often says things like, “go back to the tape.” He’s right, because if you drafted players on paper then Julio Jones would be the highest receiver taken, no question. The problem is I still think A.J Green is a better receiver and a better pro prospect. You have to go back to the tape to see the difference in these players, though.

Julio Jones is an athletic freak of nature

This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive analysis of A.J. Green vs. Julio Jones as players. I’m just trying to bring out a slice of evaluation pie here. Julio wins in the measurables department hands down, but A.J. Green stands out in many of the intangibles. No college football player I saw this past year competed for ball and won battles with defensive backs in the air and on routes like A.J. Green did. (with the possible exception of Alshon Jeffrey, but he’s not coming out of college this year) Green made plays, and I would say Julio Jones sometimes disappeared from games. Sure, he was double-teamed, but I’m sure I saw A.J. Green triple-teamed in games and he still made plays. This may qualify as a bold statement, but I think if you compared the tapes you would see Jones get locked up in coverage and taken out of games a lot more than Green. This is why the process of evaluation is so fascinating to me. There’s no formulas that work every time. Emmitt Smith didn’t have a good combine. Jerry Rice ran a slow 40 yard dash time. Deion Sanders probably ran the fastest 40 time ever. You can find examples on either side of the argument. The bottom line between Green and Jones is I would rather have Green on my team. It will be interesting to see who goes first in the draft and how far apart they are picked. I would draw a similar comparison today between Marcel Dareus and Nick Fairley. I think Dareus will look better in drills, but Fairley will be a better NFL player.

Side note: I expected Warren Sapp’s analysis to devolve into “Pop, pop!” I like Sapp, the QBKilla, but the way he utters a high-pitched “Wooooooo” when someone does something that impresses him reminds of the character on Community who excitedly repeats the phrase “Pop, pop!”

Related posts:

1. Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC NORTH
2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 7, Continuous Evaluation
3. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 12, Huge Heterosexuals Edition

Welcome again folks to a Danger Guerrero presents the Gally Blog Podcast featuring Danger Guerrero and some other guys presentation. This week, we talk about The Super Bowl results and our MVP’s, Troy Polamalu, the NFL lockout, next season’s predicted NFL champions, a UFC 126 wrapup, a game of Sex Act or Hackers and as always, Danger Guerrero.

I think we’ve fixed the noise settings that plagued last week’s episode, but it’s still a work in progress so bear with us. Enjoy muchachos.

[Edit: Our feed is updating so I'll post the iTunes link once that has finished.]

Below the jump is the picture we rambled on about.

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2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 10
3. The Gally Blog Mock Draft 3.0 and Live Blog Tonight!

Last Call isn’t just a place for sexy people, cheesecake, hot music and the best links on the Internet. No, it’s a place for all you like-minded readers and commenters to congregate and hang out. Sadly it’s gone from the place where all the cool kids hung out after school to a place in disrepair that is neglected by the cool kids who are too cool to hang out. We’ll keep doing them, but they might get scaled back at some point in the future. Let us know if you have any suggestions.

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

Oatmeal: The top 10 worst types of interviewees.
The New Yorker: Paul Haggis was in The Church of Scientology for 35 years. He got out and wrote a billion awesome words denouncing it.
The Oatmeal: Yeah, two Oatmeal articles in one day. Deal with it. This one is on the worst types of questions to receive in a Interview.
Phys Org: Admit it, you’ve always wanted to know whether snakes evolved from land lizards or ocean fairing ones. Well, now you know the rest of the story.
Fan House: All of the Super Bowl ads in one convenient place. Wooo media whore mongering.
Warming Glow: Ufford interview’s the owner of the lovable Lobster Dog. If you don’t know what Lobster Dog is, you can kindly remove yourself form the premises. Mmkay?
Salon: It appears that people are choosing sanity over sex by taking anti-depressants which often lower ones libido.
Draft Day Suit: Tired of all the rambling about the Super Bowl? Well how about some ramblings about curling? Eh? Eh? Wink wink nudge nudge.
Sarah Sprague: Did you miss any of Sarah’s amazing Super Bowl recipes? Well, here they are all in one convenient location.

Butterscotch Banana Cheesecake with Raspberry Coulis:

Jessica Hall, yes please!

Jalepeno Cheesecake:

Ladies, two clicks works for y’all too.

Bonus Video:

Outro:

Related posts:

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2. Last Call: The Super Bowl Hangover Edition
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This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Super Bowl week! It’s the most wonderful time of year! So magical. Sports writers and television personalities regale us with tales of weather, hotel continental breakfasts, and other stories central to the actual game.
Let’s look back quickly at my Championship game picks.

Green Bay -3.5 @ Chicago: RIGHT. I don’t think the score would have been all that different if Cutler had been able to play the whole game. The Packers may have even won by more than they did. Green Bay was just top-down a better team. Clay Matthews disease gives him super human powers that are hard to contain.

New York Jets + 3.5 @ Pittsburgh Steelers: WRONG. I don’t quite know what to say about this pick. I was less confident in it, but I thought the Jets defense would make the difference in this game. The game was too big for the Jets. Their play didn’t live up to their gameplan either.
On to the extravaganza!

Since neither team has cheerleaders I picked one of my favorites from this past NFL season.

One of the most interesting aspects of the Super Bowl is all of the prop bets. You can place bets on whether the coin toss lands on heads or tails (which I have bet on before), the over/under on the length of the national anthem, who will win the MVP and a host of other ways you can lose money. Go here for a complete list of action, but I’ll be highlighting some below plus picking against the actual spread as usual.

How Long will it take Christina Aguilera to Sing the Star Spangled Banner (from starting note to last note sung) Under/Over 1:54: I know what you’re thinking, suckers bet, right? There’s money to be made here. I looked up videos of Aguilera on Youtube singing the national anthem. I saw some over a minute and fifty-four seconds and some under. I tended toward more recent performances and I’m sold on the under on this one. I think she’ll embellish a little less than in her performances at the NBA Finals. Well, I should say the NFL event people will gently suggest she embellish less. This should be a classier performance since it will likely be one of the most watched things on television ever. It’s not about you, X-tina.

More after the jump—-

What Will The Over/Under TV Rating Be Over/Under 46. If I were actually able to bet legally I would take the over no doubt, 100%. The only factor in this to me is the power outages across the country. There’s still a few days for more people to get back online. I think this will be the most watched Super Bowl in history, easily over 46 Nielsen Rating.

Steelers vs Packers – First Score of the Game will be Touchdown or any other score: Bet on touchdown.

Will there be a Defensive or Special Teams Touchdown- Yes or no: Yes, so yes.

Will One Quarter be Scoreless – 1 Quarter will have 0 – 0 Score (Overtime Quarters Count) Yes or no: This is a ballsy bet, but I say yes. The Super Bowl always seems to move quickly. I think either the first or second quarter will be scoreless.

I could do a lot more, but I’m going to be horribly wrong on all these already.

And now to the actual spread…

Pittsburgh Steelers +3 @ Green Bay Packers: I’m flip flopping a bit here because I said on the first ever Gally Blog Podcast last night that I predicted the final score to be Green Bay 27- Pittsburgh 21. The more I have thought about it the more I like the Steelers in this game. I think in the back of my mind I knew I was going to take the underdog the whole time.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.

Related posts:

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2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- The Championship Round Is Tight Like a Sex Euphemism
3. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- Divisional Round Playoff Picks Guaranteed to Lose

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Without further waiting, we present to you the debut Gally Blog Podcast. In this meandering episode, Phillip(@nonpopulist), Hugh(@THElogic) and myself talk about stuff. Mostly sports. We open with a shoutout to the mysterious @DangerGuerrero, move on to the Super Bowl, talk about Deadspin and then drift into random ramblings. We apologize for the length, but it’s our first time and we didn’t know what to expect. Enjoy and feel free to give us feedback..

P.S. I’m aware I sound like a husky 15 year old girl. No need to include that in the feedback.

P.P.S. It’s not on iTunes yet, but it will be.

The Download link is here

Some have found the other place slow and laggy, so I hope this one works better.

Related posts:

1. The Danger Guererro Gally Blog Podcast: Episode 2
2. The Gally Blog Mock Draft 3.0 and Live Blog Tonight!
3. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 16, Finishing Strong

As a standard disclaimer, like anyone that’s not a paid TV critic, I can only rank what I’ve actually seen. I haven’t seen any of the AMC shows that top everyone’s lists – Mad Men and Breaking Bad. Maybe by next year I’ll have Netflixed that shit so I actually can see it. I don’t have HBO so I’ve never seen Boardwalk Empire. Never seen Lost, which is a long story. Don’t watch Sons of Anarchy. Just heard of Archer a couple weeks ago and it’s not on Netflix streaming anymore, but last week’s was awesome. And a few of my favorite shows (30 Rock and HIMYM) had very uneven years so they didn’t make it. Point being, can’t judge your favorite show if I’ve never seen it, so get off my dick. Unless you’re Kristen Bell. Anyway, let’s get down to business. Tell your disappointment to suck it; we’re having a TV party tonight!

Honorable Mentions: Justified (FX) – More Boyd and more awesome are directly proportional. They really need to figure out what to do with Winona’s character. Law and Order (NBC) – Ironically, the mothership got cancelled after 2 of its strongest seasons in years. The dynamics between McCoy, Cutter, and Rubirosa were great. And Lupo and Bernard were a little off (see: Bernard’s constant references to porn), which was awesome. Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family) – My guiltiest of guilty pleasures. Does a surprisingly good job of making everyone a suspect. I bet CW’s kicking themselves for passing on it, considering it would be the “best” show on their network and it’s been a surprise hit. Todd Margaret (IFC) – Admittedly, any mention of ThunderMuscle made me laugh hysterically. Nice reveal of Dave as the mastermind. And a nice moment in that Todd’s dad really did live in Leeds.

#10 Huge (ABC Family) – This is probably the only surprise you’ll find in my 10. It was a show about teenagers at weight loss camp that got cancelled at its halfway point. I thought the show did a great job of not only addressing the confusion, frustration, and hypocrisy surrounding body image and weight loss and the strain that put on all the characters, but also showed the characters having normal teenage problems such as friendships, dating, parental pressures, divorce, sexuality, etc. Nothing was ever neat and tidy, wrapped in a bow. It wasn’t perfect; I could have done without the clichéd “inappropriate” camper/counselor relationship that just seemed like it wanted to fit in with generalized teen soaps and didn’t like that every time the two ostensible leads would have a bonding moment, it would seem wiped out by the next episode. But all in all, a very underrated show that really got screwed.

#9 Community (NBC) – Alternately one of the best and most maddening comedies out there. I get more excited to watch it than most of the shows ahead

Maybe Joel McHale wrote getting to make out with Alison Brie in his contract, but it didn't work for me in the show

of it and some parts of it could have been rated much higher, but the frustrating elements balanced that out, so for me, #9 is about right. Admittedly, I rewarded the consistency of some likely lesser shows, as you’ll see later. Anyway, I hated the show when it first started, because everyone was a giant dick except Annie, but that was in 2009, and by 2010, they got things pretty worked out. Except I still don’t like Ken Jeong pretty much anywhere. He’s so far over the top that I find him generally unbearable. He has to be used in incredibly small doses and even then I’m rarely down with it. The Jeff-Annie thing bugged me in that it was just kinda icky that she’s 19 and he’s … how old is he supposed to be? Late 30s? It just kinda made him more gross, which is tough. Anyway, I always say if you’re going to fail, fail ambitiously. Question is, can one be ambitious and lazy at the same time? The genre parody episodes that are most often referenced as the best as actually my least favorites. It’s clever for a while, but then just feels forced and can become a series of layups. However, I will say that I do like that they at least manage to forward the “plot” in those episodes such as Jeff and Britta doing the wild thing in the paintball episode or Shirley and Chang doing the same in the zombie one. I thought the funniest episode by far was the one where Jeff had to play pool in shorts. The most underrated and perhaps “best” episode was the one where they went to a bar for Troy’s 21^st birthday. They dialed down the comedy and instead held up each character except Troy, who was kinda the audience POV, to the reality microscope. Abed is desperate enough to find someone whose interests connect with his that he will hurt someone’s feelings in order to have that hour. Shirley continues to use her moralizing to cover up her uncomfortability with herself, which is alienating to the others. Pierce finally puts down his ‘50s male ego and asks for help, if only for one minute, and finds that people will help him when he’s not an asshole. Annie has no idea who she is and is willing to try whatever will give her a positive response. And Jeff and Britta, for all their supposedly flirtatious sniping are exactly the same person, and both really douchey. And Troy calls everyone out on their shit because when you’re sober, drunk people are infuriating. It was a phenomenal episode. I only hope they can go more in that direction in 2011. If all that discovery is just swept under the rug, which is what I’d cynically expect, I’ll be bummed. It does say a lot that I had more to say about this show than any of the others.

#8 Cougar Town (ABC) – As I was saying about rewarding consistency over the home run. This show just makes me laugh. And gained a ton of respect for realizing the initial premise sucked and changing on the fly to a simple adult ensemble comedy, which fortunately for the rankings, they did right about the turn of 2010. Much like I once said about Friends, this ensemble renders everyone likeable as a group, yet I wouldn’t want to meet any one of the characters in person individually. Although I sincerely hope this show holds up better over time. Sweet Christ, Friends is unwatchable! What the fuck was I thinking back in the ‘90s. I would like to see some eventual character development in terms of self-improvement, since we actually want our characters to grow over time; otherwise their flaws become magnified. I’d also like to know exactly how Travis got a girlfriend as hot as Kirsten. Seriously. I have no clue what a hot grad student is getting out of this deal.

#7 Damages (formerly FX) – Owner of the best theme song on TV, the only one that can take the “Terriers” theme. Fun with twists! The show jerks you around and it’s fun to let it. I like how they show you the snippets of the future but once you figure out the context, it’s completely different than how you imagined. Anyway, nice recovery from S2, which was all over the place and in which characters took half a season off and you forgot what their deal was and didn’t even care much (and by that I mean William Hurt). Good timely story connected to the Bernie Madoff dilly-o. Interesting that Patty Hewes really took a step back this season and let Tom and Ellen do most of the heavy lifting while she dealt with her repressed abortion. More Patty probably would have pushed the show up a few notches. Good work by Campbell Scott, who’s usually reliably good, even though he went from the “noble” one in his family to desperate and mindfucked pretty quickly. RIP Tom Schayes. You’ll be missed, buddy. And a shitty way to go out, literally. Speaking of shitty ways to go out, this show got picked up by DirecTV, but unlike Friday Night Lights, it won’t be run on any other network, which means I’ll have to wait for Netflix. If they even still have DVDs by then. Balls. Also, I really hope that some day, Patty pays Ellen in sandwiches. Seriously, she is thin to the point of having to look away from the screen. My friends who say Rose Byrne is hot can have her. Yikes!

#6 Modern Family (ABC) – Again rewarding consistency over the home run. I laugh every time I watch it, usually a lot. Was the dog butler in 2010? Best prop of the year in any show, if so. Maybe because my parents had a smaller dog butler when I was a kid. Anyway, incredibly reliable. Usually good

Yes, the dog butler was in 2010. I looked it up.

comic twists. And I like that there is character development for the most part. Especially in Manny and Jay’s relationship. And Cameron and Mitchell’s realizing that Lily isn’t perfect and it’s not their fault; she’s just human. And that Hailey outsmarted everyone in the no electronics contest. And that Alex is secretly insecure behind the superior exterior. And Luke has decent insight into human behavior and emotion when he’s not perpetually distracted. And Phil misses Dylan because he doesn’t have any guy friends. I too miss Dylan because the “Do Me” song might be the funniest thing the show has done, even though it was 2009. Hasn’t been as strong this season as last, but hopefully it will close strong.

#5 Better Off Ted (ABC) – Another show that really got screwed to the point that when I originally wrote this list, I forgot it’s S2, or what ABC fucking

She makes being called all that stuff in the video sound so appealing.

showed of it, actually was in 2010. Since I wound up watching both seasons on Netflix, it’s easy to forget. (Sorry, Justified, which got bumped). Anyway, this was one of the best workplace comedies in TV history and should have appealed to anyone that every worked in an office or for a corporation at any level. As completely absurd as the workplace scenarios were, there was a vast kernel of truth involved, kind of a Eugene Ionesco-ish touch. For instance, in my favorite episode and the first episode I ever saw, a misprint in a corporate memo stated “Employees must now use offensive language in the workplace,” resulting is predictable hilarity. But Veridian’s strict adherence to the memo and refusal to admit a mistake is universally common. By the way, if you saw the episode and wished they’d pushed it more and hate the FCC, check out the clip below. So why didn’t people watch it? Well, besides ABC never giving it a consistent time slot or push? Well, the name is pretty brutal, but smart, biting comedy can be a tough sell. (/goes off and kills self). For the record, I would also like for Andrea Anders, a former Phoenix Pub Open Bar host, to sit on my lap. She’ll soon be seen in the upcoming ABC comedy with Matthew Perry, which is probably not enough to make me want to watch a show with Matthew Perry unless she’s Medieval Fight Clubbing his ass. (Sadly, that episode was 2009 or this could have been #1).

#4 Friday Night Lights (DirecTV/NBC) – OK, this is a tricky one because, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t have DirecTV. So my 2010 is Season 4, which actually ran in 2009. And I’m not counting the beginning of Season 5 because I don’t see that until April. Yes, I could get it online, but I’d rather watch stuff

Not in Season 4. Bummer.

on my TV than computer and my internet connection isn’t strong enough to run my computer through my TV. (I’m also about as tech-savvy as your average waterfowl. So, Season 4. By no means a perfect season and because of the shortness of the episode order, plots always feel rushed. BUT, its high points can usually top any other TV drama and while I’m about the 8 millionth person to say this, Matt Saracen’s dad’s funeral episode was enough in itself to earn this ranking. I will also give huge props to the show for showing, with Tammy’s storyline, the intense amount of scrutiny that education professionals are under all the time in that the tiniest action can be misinterpreted, blown up, and cost you your job. It’s enough to make one not want to work in education. That Matt and Julie storyline was really strong in this season as well in that both sides’ actions and emotions rang true, even if it wasn’t comfortable. Having Coach Taylor start over as an underdog was a good move for the show, since they’d maxed out the high wire act at West Dillon a bit. And I liked the forfeit story at the beginning of the season in that what Coach Taylor thought was the right thing almost lost him his team. Another similar situation was Riggins taking the weight for his brother because of the baby. It was noble, but I’ll be really interested to see how that plays out in Season 5 since it should have some severe ramifications on his life and future once he gets out. Also looking forward to seeing how Vince both grows into being a leader and struggles with it. His story was occasionally a little all over the place in S4 and needed some more episodes. It was a nice touch that early on, after the whole fight with Luke Cafferty, it was revealed that Vince actually did steal the watch. It was daring for the show to make one of its lead characters, at least at the beginning of the season, kind of a dick, even with knowing the circumstances of his family. He came a long way in S4. Long enough to sway Jess into dumping Landry for him? That part of the story didn’t work as well, but women are always suckers for seeing growth from assholes rather than consistency. Says the single guy. Anyway, looking forward to a strong close.

#3 Parks and Recreation (NBC) – Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Hutt … (/points) GALLY BLOG READERS! I’m going to get a bit writing class nerdy on these next two. At the risk of sounding exactly like Maureen Ryan, one of my favorite TV critics, my favorite thing about this show is that all its characters have dreams, be they large or

Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Hutt...

small scale, and the show respects that. A former writing teacher once told me that every character has a goal and the story comes from when their attempts to achieve their goals come into conflict with each other’s. And as a writer, you have to see the big picture and goal and dream fulfillment brings that next level of emotional stakes to comedy that makes it enduring. Shows without hopes, dreams, and emotional investment can still be funny, but they don’t really hold up over time. Anyway, I’d like to give the Parks and Recreation staff some sort of Medal of Honor for the changes they made between S1, which was brutal, and S2, which was phenomenal. Another thing Maureen Ryan mentions about respect for the characters is that their desires aren’t the butt of jokes; the jokes are just situational and well-written. After all that highfalutin hoo-ha, the show is fucking hilarious. The one thing they still need to fix is Rashida Jones’ character. They have yet to really find her anything to do and haven’t given her any hopes and dreams. Good job axing Mark, who they also couldn’t find anything to do with. Love the addition of Adam Scott, who has some of the best line delivery in the business. We’ll see on Rob Lowe – good energy, but hopefully they can make a character there. I hope ratings are up and S3 is a big year for Parks and Rec so it doesn’t get cancelled or fucked over again by NBC. And I’d give my pinky toe for another appearance of Freddy Spaghetti. Maybe even remixed by DJ Roomba.

#2 Louie (FX) – A different former writing teacher once said that good comedy involves a prescription for how the world should work. Louie has something different that may be even more interesting. It doesn’t know how the world should work, but is fascinated by how it does and is driven by a boundless curiosity as to why things are the way they are. Those who don’t like the show might call it “nihilistic” or “overly dark,” but I think it’s just the opposite. Louie does get an awful lot of mileage from self-loathing (while not in the show, I can’t pass an airport Cinnabon without thinking of his riff from “Chewed Up”) and involves a ton of dark humor, but that curiosity about the world never dies and that’s unspoken optimism there. The first scene to catch attention was the poker scene where he asked a gay friend how he felt about his use of a gay slur in his act. It went viral because viewers connected with the curiosity that turned what could have been a cheap scene full of gay jokes, which you can find anywhere lazy, into a very smart and engaging set piece. However, I think the absolute pinnacle of the show’s curiosity came in the season finale about the bully in which Louie follows him, sees his parents bully the bully, argues with the parents, and winds up smoking a cigarette with the abusive father and bonding over how difficult raising kids is. Then it ended. It didn’t condone the behaviors at all, but took a couple steps back to look at the big picture and admitted with the ending, that it has no fucking clue how to fix this. That really stuck with me and shows more ambition than probably any other show out there.

#1 Terriers (FX) – I first watched the show because I love detective shows and love smart dialogue, but had no idea what I’d be in for. One critic (I forget which one) mentioned that “Terriers” is kind of the grown-up Veronica Mars, and should appeal to fans of that show. Since I’m in the tank for S1 of V-Mars as being one of the best seasons in TV history, it’s a layup. The tone in this show could switch from light to heart-attack serious in a pin drop and never feel off. It was one of the funniest shows on TV and also one of the most heartbreaking. If you’ve read any of my TV and movie stuff from former sites, you’ll know about my abhorrence of Hollywood clichés, so it makes perfect sense that my favorite part of the show was the way they actively defied clichéd tropes and standard conventions. (No wonder it was cancelled). Alan Sepinwall and Dan Feinberg mentioned this frequently on their “Firewall and Iceberg Podcast,” which if you don’t listen to, I will come over to your house, chain you to your radiator, feed your cat, and then make you download it. Hank and Gretchen did not get back together. The way Hank got the loan for his house. The “bad guy’s airport plot was defeated, but he didn’t wind up in prison. However, Britt did. Hank didn’t start drinking again. Hank and Laura Ross didn’t wind up together. The list goes on. Not only did it actively defy the clichés, but it made fun of the clichés as it defied them. See, for instance, Laura Ross’ speech about why she and Hank wouldn’t be dating. In many ways, the show was every bit as meta as “Community” without absolutely hitting us over the head with a steel chair with it the way that show did. By the way, I don’t think the final scene was actually a real choice, rather more of an “Incident at Owl Creek Bridge” scenario for Britt. It’s nice to have a show where actions have consequences and you can’t charm your way out of things or juke a loophole in the system. After his speech to Katie that showed how much he really had grown, he was going to jail, but it’s nice to entertain that last dream of life without consequences before the consequences take place. That’s a well-deserved #1 for the one and only season. Play us out, Rob Duncan!

Related posts:

1. Summer TV: Part 1

Where on earth do I remember it from?

I think I remember it from when it was a Nike commercial and when it was awesome.

Saul Williams for the motherfucking win! Work harder, Don Draper, because Nike’s better is better than your ready, you Vanilla Ice, Black Eyed Peas, plagiaristic motherfucker!

Jackasses.

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