Yes, this actually is my daughter. And yes, she'll probably kill me one day for putting this on the internet. But really, how could I resist?

This past weekend, I had a poetic family moment. You know, one of those greeting card moments where you visualize a leather bound book opening to a picture of the exact scene you’re sitting in. It was Saturday morning and my husband and I were lounging in bed while our son, who as usual had been up since the crack of dawn, was playing in the kitchen. I heard our daughter waking up, so I went to get her but after changing her diaper I realized that my husband hadn’t yet gotten out of bed. I brought my daughter back in to see if the two of us together could rouse him. My daughter, always thrilled to see her father, laid down on his pillow and turned to me saying (in her angelic, two year old voice), “I love daddy”. I smiled, laying my head down beside her and said, “I love daddy too.” Her reply was simply a smile that could melt glaciers, and then… she sighed.  

Yes, my two year old actually sighed with happiness.  

That’s when I had a thought. Or maybe, not so much a thought, but an epiphany. An idea that came barrelling through my Hallmark moment like a wrecking ball, smacking me upside the head. You see, I have often wondered why it is that so many of us children of divorce end up emotionally detached from our parents. I’ve considered that it might be due to our trust issues. Our sense of betrayal. I’ve wondered if it was the collateral damage of us simply shutting down emotionally, a well used protective mechanism of divorced kids. But you know, I think it may be more fundamental than that. I think it may be the result of the misalignment of love.  

Mutual affection creates bonds. And not insignificant ones. Mutual affection can create the foundation of friendships, romances and even marriages. It can keep relationships going; making them endure. We tend to gravitate towards people who like the same things as we do.  Who love what we love.  And do you know why that is?  Because in a relationship, affection towards something outside of each other gives us something tangible that confirms we are alike, that we belong, that we are…kindred.  

Think about it. When you start raving about a book or a movie or a song that you love only to have someone proclaim their distaste for whatever you’ve been gushing about, leaves a sour taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? It makes you wonder why you don’t have that in common. And even if that person follows up their proclamation up with a declaration that your feelings are acceptable, that difference between you represents a bond you do not share.  

Children of divorce feel very much like this sometimes.  They love their parents.  Both of them.  But they are acutely aware that those same people no longer love each other.  It becomes a bond they no longer share.  

Now imagine that same someone from the previous scenario told you they didn’t want to hear about that book/movie/song anymore? I guess they really wouldn’t have to; knowing they didn’t share your affection would preclude you from sharing any more of your true feelings. What if they completely tuned you out when you showed any interest? What if they pointed out every negative thing they could find or shared every negative tidbit others had shared? The situation could create a fissure in the relationship. A fissure that could easily grow into an abyss.  Do you notice the parallels? 

Parental love is fundamental.  It is woven right into the fabric of our souls. And the dissolution of that bond of mutual affection between our parents puts us children of divorce in an awfully awkward position. The thought of losing that bond with both parents can sometimes feel too overwhelming, often resulting in us aligning ourselves with one parent while dispelling the other. And if you don’t understand that, then you don’t understand how important it is for a child to feel analogous to a parent. To feel like they belong.  

Because, what’s the alternative?  

The alternative, is what the bulk of us do. Accept the loss of such a significant bond with both of our parents. That loss brings a sense of isolation. To correct it, we may try out some masks, putting on a different facade with each parent. And with that we risk losing ourselves. Many of us find the answer in indifference. But the love we feel for our parents is no less than the love they feel for us and pushing it away via our indifference comes with severe consequences.  With indifference to our parents, comes indifference to ourselves.  Apathy swirls us back into isolation and of course, our self esteem suffers.  

As a parent of divorce, it is integral to your relationship with your child that you carry even a hint of that bond of mutual affection for your ex. And I don’t mean that you have to be physically affectionate or chat like girlfriends or vacation together. You don’t even have to show any actual affection to your ex, you only have to show it to your child. Show your child that you’re sad if you hear that something negative happened to your ex and show happiness if you hear something positive. Tell your child what you admire about their other parent or what qualities you are glad to see in them that remind you of your ex. Be engaged when you are being graced with stories about their visits and also be engaged in their plans to go. Simple things that pay great rewards with very little effort from you.   

Simple things that will not only benefit your relationship with your child but will also benefit their relationship with themselves.  

Aren’t those two relationships worth working on?

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The serenity prayer reads:

God, grant us the…
Serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.       ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Such simple words that have transcended time and space because they describe at their very core what we all crave.

Serenity, courage and wisdom.

My mother introduced me to the song “What I Cannot Change” by LeAnn Rimes a couple of weeks ago.  She was considering using in a group dealing with family issues and wondered what I thought.  I listened to it while driving my son to hockey and by the end of the drive, he had asked to listen to it four times in a row.  I can’t say that I’ve ever been much of a fan of Lee Ann Rhimes, but this song does resonate.  Because in my experience, family issues often find themselves tunneling their way into every aspect of my life. Sometimes those issues can’t be fixed.  Sometimes they can. Sometimes they need to be fixed and sometimes the cost of fixing doesn’t outweigh the benefit of just…letting go.

But the line between acceptance and action can be thin and it’s usually hard to tell which needs what without that trifecta so many pray for.  Serenity, courage and wisdom.

The lyrics of this song are all moving, but the lines that really hit home for me were the ones right at it’s heart:

I don’t know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get past the little stuff

The pain is self inflicting
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world
Than to please myself

I found a video on youtube that not only plays the song but also shares personal stories that were recieved from fans based on their response to this song.  The only drawback is that the stories are so compelling that it’s difficult to really listen to the song while reading them.  Maybe try watching it twice – once while reading the stories and once with your eyes closed.  Just to hear.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZhNQDab7Jg

PS – did you know that the serenity prayer also has an extended version?  I never knew that and it’s so beautiful!  I couldn’t resist posting it in it’s entirety.

God grant us the….
Serentity to accept the things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all the we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

No related posts.

I’m a rockstar!

Almost like this rockstar.

Umm, no, not really.

But I’ve felt like a rockstar ever since I did my jam session for Jenn over at rockstarcoparenting .com.  The interview was great because Jenn asked completely relevant questions and it was clear that she was familiar with both this blog and the information I could offer (even the question about what kind of shoe I would be and why).  And I have to say that her blog is a wonderful new resource that I’ve added to my blogroll.  She has an interesting premise and some great information  – so feel free to poke around. 

Check out my interview and let Jenn know what you think.  I’ll be watching the conversation there too.  Hey, I may not be a rockstar or even a rockstar coparent, but I kind of do rock …. as a child of divorce.

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Hi there.

I’m not really sure how to begin, but the truth is that I wanted to post something and I didn’t want to footnote an offhanded apology or begin with a lame excuse for not writing this summer. Because I don’t really feel sorry and I don’t have any excuses.  All the same, if I’m going to dust this lovely little blog off and reenter the blogosphere, I owe you an explanation. Or more fittingly – an update. 

Now let’s see. Where to start….. May. 

As summer approached, my husband and I were deciding on two construction projects for our home. The first was windows. Now I had no idea how big of a construction job getting our windows and front door replaced was going to be. We hired someone to do it, but it was a project that spanned over a few weeks. I was somewhat prepared for the mess, but had not considered that we would be without window treatments for weeks (or I should say months). I also hadn’t thought about the bits of insulation, drywall, sawdust and other little bits of things that would be ever present on the floor and although I’m really happy with the final result, I’m glad it’s a project that we won’t be doing again anytime soon (I’m pulling for an eternity ). 

Windows - the project that costs a whole lot, makes a huge mess and in the end looks eerily similar to what you started with.

Then I had a birthday in June! Yeah, I sound excited there but in reality it was like….. blah.  Although I don’t feel like it, I’ve actually hit the dreaded ‘middle age’.  And so it followed that I seemed to have a bit of a mid life issue this year as well. It all began when I actually believed I was one year younger than I was. Seriously. I’m not making that up. I swore I was turning 34. My husband and I even debated the issue. And it wasn’t until I declared my birth year that my brain wrapped itself around the math and I realized that…ready?….here it comes….I. Was. Wrong. And the only thing worse than realizing you are wrong while arguing with your husband has to be the realization that you are in fact turning 35. 

Coupled with that, I failed my eye exam. (Remind me again why I thought that appointment would be appropriate for the week of my birthday?) 

Did you know that not many people cry in the optometrist’s office? I’m figuring that by the awkward way mine patted my shoulder after I burst out in tears. Oh well, I see it as all his fault anyway since I told him I was getting anxious and sweaty and that I really felt like I should have studied for this test and that I was feeling seriously unprepared.  He assured me in his calm optometrist ‘I never have to deal with crazy people who are in the midst of a mid life crisis’ voice that I could relax because with eye exams, there are no wrong answers. Not two minutes later he interrupted me as I was calling out the numbers I guessed I was looking at to tell me that they were all, in fact, letters.  Hence the tears.  No wrong answers, my foot. 

I hate aging. And eye exams. And math. 

Anyway, I made myself feel better by planning a nice evening out to celebrate my decrepit 35th birthday and by getting all dolled up in an outfit that was made for a sixteen year old. I really liked that dress. Although my husband and I did have an interesting debate about whether it may in fact have been… a shirt. See? Some people buy cars, or quit their jobs or get divorced.  Me?  I buy a barely there dress/shirt and go for a night on the town. Yup. All better. 

Yes, that is a big flower in my hair! Don't blame me, I was trying to look 16.

July was eaten up by our second construction project of the summer – a pool. The planning, acquiring of estimates and actual work that went into this project was something that I was *utterly* unprepared for. I don’t know what I thought exactly. But I’m pretty sure it involved a magical backhoe which evaporated dirt being dropped off and picked up from my backyard by helicopter and a pool being similarly airlifted in. Surprise! That’s not how it goes. At the end of the first day of digging we had a gigantic dirt hole, a gigantic pile of dirt and no more grass (aka more dirt) because of all the heavy machinery driving back and forth and turning on the lawn.  Isn’t it beautiful? 

Welcome to my dirt hole and pile. You don't even want to know how much this thing cost!

It didn’t actually finish up until the first weekend in August but we had a great month with it wherein my son learned how to swim.  Needless to say, we are all very excited for next summer. 

Because that dirt pile eventually turned into this...

Which led to fun like this....

And this....

and today looks just like this.

In July, I also took a running class. I’m sure it was somewhat related to my age crisis, but I also felt that after a year of blogging, I had kept nearly all of my focus on my emotions and thoughts and it was time to bring some of that focus to my physical self. I have exercised consistently my whole adult life until almost six years ago, when I had my son. Getting to a gym or to a class just hasn’t been practical with my family’s schedule but I figured that with running, I could make it work. And make it work I did! I ran five times a week and did my homework exactly as it was assigned. I was up to running 5k’s each day and the best part was that I had actually gotten to a place where I looked forward to my running days more than my rest days. I felt like a real. Live. Runner. 

At the end of July, one of my sisters got married! My sister from my mother and step father got married to her long time fiancé and the wedding was beautiful. Being that she lives in British Columbia and the wedding was here in Ontario, much of the planning fell on my mom and stepfather’s shoulders, so that was busy. A fact that also meant the stag and doe, shower and wedding all happened in the span of two weeks. Whew! I had the honor of standing up and it truly was a wonderful event. Our differing personalities, the circumstances around which she moved and the distance between us has been a detriment to our relationship but as she was leaving to drive back to Vancouver, I felt like we were closer.  Like our sisterly bond was …. healing. 

My sister and her husband.

My hairdresser deserves ALL of the credit for this one.

With August’s arrival the windows and pool were done, and my husband left for his annual fishing trip. 

That’s when I got sick. 

It started with a fever that morphed into a cough and it was the kind of illness that gripped me for all it was worth. Taking care of the kids and working while my husband was away made for the hardest week possible. When he returned, I was sick and spiteful (not a good combination) but also glad for the reinforcement. He suggested a chest x-ray because we were going away the next week for a family vacation and although there wasn’t anything definitive on it, I went on antibiotics. They didn’t seem to do a whole lot though and as soon as I was finished with them, my fever returned. After a few more days I went back for another chest x-ray and there we had it – pneumonia. 

Now if you’ve never had pneumonia, all I can say is…it totally sucks. In my life when I’ve been sick, even really really sick, I’ve only ever had to go on antibiotics and then *poof* within a few days I’ve felt better. 100% better. But this has been nothing like that. And you know what? I’m still recovering. I can feel that I’m still recovering.  The biggest disappointment for me was that my running got completely derailed.  I hope to start again soon. 

And of course, the pneumonia rekindled the age crisis. I mean, pneumonia? What am I …. 80?!? 

Our family vacation was to my family’s cottage (on my stepfather’s side) which is in northern Ontario (or as I call it:  the wilderness). Most people talk about cottages when they really mean houses. And just so we’re clear….this is a cottage. I hadn’t been there in years. Over 20 to be exact. My husband loves it there; he’s a reincarnated Grizzly Adams when he’s there.  But to be honest, a place that you need a boat to get to, where you can’t plug anything in or turn on a light (we won’t even talk about the bathing/toileting situation) hasn’t really been my dream excursion. That being said, I have to admit that I had a really great time. Pneumonia and all.  I must be getting lower maintenance as I’m aging. And of course, my kids would live there if they could. 

The Cottage (really, that's it's official title)

Although I snidely call it 'the wilderness', there's something very special about waking up to this...

spending your days doing this....

teaching your son how to do this...

and seeing a child's fascination with an era gone by. (yes, that's an actual working victrola)

Our trip was closely followed by a family crisis that I’m not ready to write about but that demanded all of my focus for a few weeks. The crisis has passed for now, so don’t worry. Out of respect for those involved, I’m not going to elaborate more than that. 

So now it’s today and just like last year, it’s after midnight and I’m tapping away on my laptop. That’s making me smile. And my smile is making me smile. Because over the course of this summer I had started to consider that maybe I was done blogging. That perhaps I had said everything that I needed to say and that it was time to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. In June, I perused my archives and I was sincerely satisfied with the body of work. I felt it had legs enough to stand on it’s own. 

I still believe that. I’m not sitting here so that I can improve on what I’ve already done. It’s just that this place is good for me too. It contributes to my life in just the same way I contribute to it. My smile comes from the realization that I’ve missed it here. And that I do indeed have lots more to say. 

I’m hoping that you do too.

No related posts.

Look at that spoiled child of divorce! Another postcard from Splitsville.

The perception that children of divorce are spoiled simply as a result of being children of divorce amazes me. Do people really think that or is it just something they say without actually realizing what they are saying? Even one of my favorite bloggers, Avitable recently wrote in a post that children of divorce were spoiled. (Notice the clever comment from Mark about how he didn’t get any of those things when his parents divorced.) And although Avitable’s post is really about his dog and the tone is satirical, it demonstrates how pervasive the perception of us being spoiled is.  I assume that the sentiment is perpetuated by people who have never had to personally endure parental divorce in their childhoods. Because as a child of divorce, I can only say this: 

Calling a child of divorce ‘spoiled’ for having two homes is like calling an heir ‘lucky’ when their parents die. In both cases, they would prefer what they had to what they got. 

Honestly, I have to say that the ‘spoiled’ thing always confused me. Because from my perspective, I never once felt spoiled as a result of my parent’s divorce. Suddenly moving a handful of times didn’t seem like so much fun. Bouncing from home to home and seeing my dad only a couple of times a year wouldn’t have been my first choice. Having my parent’s focus and attention turn inward as they returned to school and dating, while moving on with their lives might have been really great for them but…. Seriously, if that’s what being a spoiled child is, I’d hate to see how all those kids from intact families are slumming it while growing up. 

While I was in College, I met a girl who had lost both of her parents and been left a large inheritance. And from where I stood, she seemed to have it all. She had a great car, great clothes and she lived life large. I couldn’t help but think that she was so lucky to have a boatload of money at her disposal along with no parents to be accountable to.  But one night after flippantly saying that I wasn’t as lucky as she was, I received a sombre look as she told me that she would gladly trade it all back for more time with her parents. Suddenly she didn’t seem so lucky. 

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe for those who’ve never lived through divorce as a child, it all seems great. Maybe they don’t see the pain of it all because they can’t relate, so instead they focus on it’s most superficial aspect. But to a child, that’s exactly what it is.  Superficial stuff. Not what’s important. And nothing at all when compared with having your family torn apart.  I think that calling a child who had no say in their situation or aftermath ‘spoiled’ is cruel. Because the bottom line is that kids don’t choose divorce and they have absolutely no control over something that affects their lives so wholly.  Just like the child who loses a parent. 

And you know, some children of divorce are spoiled.  But are they spoiled by divorce? NO! They are spoiled by guilt ridden permissive parents, ego boosting competative gifting parents or they are acting out thanks to blind parents who bought into the misconception that co-parenting amicably will magically heal all their wounds. Notice the common denominator. The next time you feel the need to comment about a ‘spoiled’ child of divorce, try a new approach and point the finger of blame where it rightfully lies.  Direct your thoughts and comments towards the one who did and continues to make the choices instead of the one who is learning to navigate unbidden choppy waters. 

Of course, that’s coming from yet another of those ‘spoiled’ children of divorce.

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2. How Does Divorce Affect Children?   How will my divorce affect my child? A lot...
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Part of Me by Melissa Moss

Happy Mother’s Day!  Here’s to all the mom’s.  Moms who are here and moms who smile from above.  Biological moms and stepmoms.  Foster moms and adopted moms.  Moms with angels in heaven and moms at heart, trying to conceive. To all the women who give of themselves in the name of a child, we honor you today.

Because I have that kind of a sense of humor, I was going to embed Justin Timberlake and Adam Samburg’s “Mother Lover” skit from Saturday Night Live.  Because all us moms deserve a little mother lovin’, you know? 

But then I read Postsecret’s Mother’s Day Secrets. 

When I started this blog, I was lucky enough to have a reader point me in the direction of the Postsecret website.  In essence, it is an art project where poeple anonymously mail in postcards depicting a secret of theirs, and every SundayFrank Warren publishes a post showcasing the ones he chose.  The cards range from heartbreaking to heartwarming and dark to just plain silly.  But above all, they are fascinating. I often find myself looking forward to Sundays just to read the new collection of ‘secrets’ published there.

Today’s collection was incredibly moving.  And of course, every postcard was about mothers. I can’t think of a better way to give tribute to this day, than to point you over there.  (But unfortunately, Postsecret does not post it’s archives, so if you click this link after May 15th, 2010 you will see the current edition for that week, not the Mother’s Day edition.)

PS – Make sure you have some tissues handy. 

You’ve been warned.

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The original Simon Cowells

Okay.  So don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a weekly thing and I know that chances are you aren’t even reading this on a Friday, but I couldn’t resist the cheese factor of the title. Or the picture. Simple pleasures, but I’d better get back to the point.

Dear readers, I’m asking for your help.

I want to check in with you and ask for your thoughts and constructive feedback regarding this blog.  I welcome any comments you may have regarding anything, from content to style. (And before you start I just want to say that I am aware of the atrocious grammar in my extended visitation post and I’ll be editing it this weekend. I’m never letting myself post past 3 a.m. again!)  Here’s a few questions to help get you in the mood:

Are my posts relevant? Interesting? Are there topics which I’m missing or skimming over?

Is my comma usage or sentence structure completely annoying or difficult to read?

Do you find this website hard to navigate through or not user friendly? Have you noticed broken links?  Is the homepage useless?

Is the header juvenile? Is the overall style cluttered or ugly?  Is the color scheme stupid?

While I was away on vacation a couple of weeks ago, I jumped on my friend’s laptop to do some maintenance and was shocked to see that my header was shorter than my blog width!  I couldn’t believe it!  It lines up perfectly on every other computer I’ve used.  Does anyone else have that on their browser too?  Suddenly I felt like I had my fly down.  Have you ever had that happen?  And then wonder about how many people noticed and didn’t tell you?  Embarrassing!  Anyway….

Tell me.  I want to know. I’m not going to get mad at anything you have to say and in fact I’ll thank you and appreciate the time you took to do so.  And one other thing: I’m not fishing for compliments here. Actually, if you don’t have anything constructive to write I would appreciate it if you didn’t comment here.  No need to waste your valuable time blowing sunshine up my toosh.

So give it to me.  Straight and honest. I want this place to be the very best it can be.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

No related posts.

I heard this song at work today and I remembered that when it was released, I read that Kelly Clarkson had written it about the impact that her parent’s divorce has had on her since she was six years old.  But when Breakaway, this song’s album was released, I wasn’t as in tuned with all things divorce like I am now.  Today, I listened to the song with new ears and although I’ve never been a big fan of hers, I found the lyrics resonating.  When I got home, I jumped on to YouTube to watch the video and found myself crying.

I didn’t have to endure a high conflict marriage or divorce, but the underlying feelings for all of us children of divorce are similar.  The desire to do things differently.  The sense that the adults around you were so wrapped up in their own pain and emotions that yours got somewhat overlooked.  Needing to growing up fast, put a smile on your face and not show the pain.  With today’s normalization of divorce and the consensus even from within that children of divorce need to buck up, get over it and move on, Miss Clarkson displayed a great deal of strength by putting this song forward.  Suddenly, I find myself thinking she rocks.  Sing it, sister.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra-Om7UMSJc

“Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

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Another postcard from Splitsville

With summer quickly approaching, I can’t help but remember my own extended non custodial visits.  Because of sheer physical distance, I generally had Christmas or spring break with a month in the summer with my non custodial parent, just like so many other children and parents of divorce.  It’s a tricky thing. As exciting and wonderful as it is to see a parent that you don’t usually get to spend time with, there are a lot of complex issues at work. So many in fact, that sometimes this extended visit which is supposed to be enjoyable, sustaining the parent-child relationship through the rest of the year, crumbles.  Ending up as a high stress, upsetting or downright uncomfortable time.  And nobody wants that.

So I thought. I thought about all of my past extended non custodial visits and everything I’ve read from others. I tried to remember what worked, as well as what could have made them easier.  I tried to consider it from all angles, which resulted in the need to break this post down into three separate lists.  One for custodial parents, one for non custodial parents and one children of divorce themselves.

So without further delay, I present:

The Grown Up Child’s Guide to Prepare, Survive and (I daresay) Enjoy an Extended Non Custodial Visit

Tips for Custodial Parents: Including how you can ease your child’s anxiety, why you should help them pack and what you can expect to hear when they return.  Read more HERE.

Tips for Non Custodial Parents: Including how you can prepare to make the visit easier on you, your child and your partner/other children.  As well as advise on how to spend your time and deal with conflict.  Read more HERE.

And finally, Tips for Teen Aged and Adult Children of Divorce: Want to know why your parent is suddenly so short with you or hugging you every time you’re within arm’s reach?  Feel like it’s not fair that you have to be uprooted during your own holiday times?  Is it really your job to make this all go more smoothly?  Read more HERE.

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From Postcards from Splitsville

As a young teenager, I had a brush with parental alienation.

While standing at a sink washing dishes it was declared to me that one of my parents must not love me.  Then I was assaulted with all the twisted evidence to prove their claim. The lack of phone calls, the apparent lack of interest, and of course the lack of child support all while I was assured that my ‘other’ parent had always provided all of those things for me. The propagator of this garbage got incensed when I asserted that I was indeed loved by both my parents, and I was shrilly asked what evidence I had to prove it. When I couldn’t provide any, I was told that my lack of any ‘real’ counterpoints merely confirmed their argument. And the debate was over. I was told again that I obvously wasn’t loved by ‘that’ parent.

I remember that night so well. Each word felt like a rock being hurled against my skin. I remember the anger that raged within me and the sadness that threatened to overcome me. I fought with all my might to hold back the tears because crying felt like defeat and I wanted more than anything to appear strong in the shadow of my perpetrator. Even twenty years later, remembering that night and writing this post, I can feel my heart beating faster and a tightness in my throat.

On that night, the alienation was not done by my biological parent but that didn’t matter. It was an adult.  An adult who knew better and who’s care I had been entrusted. I was alone and they had all the power. The damage was done and that moment of our lives can never be retracted. Over the years, my hurt and anger has faded, and has been  replaced by a sliding scale of disdain, pity and indifference. But trust is another matter. The trust is gone and no matter how many years pass, it eludes me. At the time I felt like I was the one being attacked, but now I know that I was merely collateral damage in an attempt to hurt and gain power over ‘that’ parent.

Yet understanding only brings me that, understanding. Everything else remains.

Sunday April 25, 2010 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. And although there is much debate about what actually constitutes parental alienation or if the syndrome even exists, this grown child of divorce simply wants to spread this message: kids of divorce have enough on their plates without having to negotiate the impact of someone negating a parent. Chances are, they are already dealing with anger toward their parents, guilt about those feelings, shame about the characteristics they have from their other parent, and of course the stress of living through the trauma of divorce and anything else that came before and after it. They really don’t need anything else.

The other thing I’d like to inform parents, step parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and the like, is that the damage inflicted by this kind of abuse is significant and leaves very deep scars. You may be angry and you might even feel a bit better after lashing out or having your say. But for that child, whether it be for days, weeks or even years, that child will hear those words you spoke to them every time they look at you. Even long after you’ve forgotten them. Truly whatever benefit you may feel by getting things off your chest will be far outweighed by the negative impact you will have on that young person’s heart.  And if you are able to force your way of thinking on that child, realize that your short sighted gain will one day be lost and a day of reckoning will come. And in those particularly heinous cases, know that it will come even harder.

I remember witnessing one day a child of divorce coming home from her non custodial visit.  Her mother became displeased with her behaviour and said to me and all those around that she always acted that way when she came home from her dad’s house. The mother also added that she felt her daughter’s poor behavior was a reflection of her father and was evidence of him rubbing off on her during their time spent together. A moment later, after her daughter said something out of line, she sarcastically called her daughter by her father’s name. Her daughter crumpled into a pile of angry tears and my heart couldn’t help but break a little as the scene played out before me.

When it comes to putting down a child’s parent, the rules are simple. Don’t do it. It’s not like telling ‘yo mama’ jokes with your friends. That child is not your equal and with your power comes a great responsibility.  Your words carry a sense of authority and will cut more deeply than you know. And what’s hardest of all for us kids is that we will undoubtedly see some truth in what you say, no matter how loudly we dispel it. I think the author of The Divorce Encouragist said it best when she wrote, to speak ill of your co-parent is to tell your child, “Honey, I love you. But biologically, you are 50% jackass.”

Yes, that’s exactly how it feels.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thYJN9-vgWw&feature=related

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