The Grown Up Child

Spoiled by divorce? You’ve got to be kidding.

Carolyn — Mon, 17 May 2010 04:46:05 +0000

Look at that spoiled child of divorce! Another postcard from Splitsville.

The perception that children of divorce are spoiled simply as a result of being children of divorce amazes me. Do people really think that or is it just something they say without actually realizing what they are saying? Even one of my favorite bloggers, Avitable recently wrote in a post that children of divorce were spoiled. (Notice the clever comment from Mark about how he didn’t get any of those things when his parents divorced.) And although Avitable’s post is really about his dog and the tone is satirical, it demonstrates how pervasive the perception of us being spoiled is. I assume that the sentiment is perpetuated by people who have never had to personally endure parental divorce in their childhoods. Because as a child of divorce, I can only say this:

Calling a child of divorce ‘spoiled’ for having two homes is like calling an heir ‘lucky’ when their parents die. In both cases, they would prefer what they had to what they got.

Honestly, I have to say that the ‘spoiled’ thing always confused me. Because from my perspective, I never once felt spoiled as a result of my parent’s divorce. Suddenly moving a handful of times didn’t seem like so much fun. Bouncing from home to home and seeing my dad only a couple of times a year wouldn’t have been my first choice. Having my parent’s focus and attention turn inward as they returned to school and dating, while moving on with their lives might have been really great for them but…. Seriously, if that’s what being a spoiled child is, I’d hate to see how all those kids from intact families are slumming it while growing up.

While I was in College, I met a girl who had lost both of her parents and been left a large inheritance. And from where I stood, she seemed to have it all. She had a great car, great clothes and she lived life large. I couldn’t help but think that she was so lucky to have a boatload of money at her disposal along with no parents to be accountable to. But one night after flippantly saying that I wasn’t as lucky as she was, I received a sombre look as she told me that she would gladly trade it all back for more time with her parents. Suddenly she didn’t seem so lucky.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe for those who’ve never lived through divorce as a child, it all seems great. Maybe they don’t see the pain of it all because they can’t relate, so instead they focus on it’s most superficial aspect. But to a child, that’s exactly what it is. Superficial stuff. Not what’s important. And nothing at all when compared with having your family torn apart. I think that calling a child who had no say in their situation or aftermath ‘spoiled’ is cruel. Because the bottom line is that kids don’t choose divorce and they have absolutely no control over something that affects their lives so wholly. Just like the child who loses a parent.

And you know, some children of divorce are spoiled. But are they spoiled by divorce? NO! They are spoiled by guilt ridden permissive parents, ego boosting competative gifting parents or they are acting out thanks to blind parents who bought into the misconception that co-parenting amicably will magically heal all their wounds. Notice the common denominator. The next time you feel the need to comment about a ‘spoiled’ child of divorce, try a new approach and point the finger of blame where it rightfully lies. Direct your thoughts and comments towards the one who did and continues to make the choices instead of the one who is learning to navigate unbidden choppy waters.

Of course, that’s coming from yet another of those ‘spoiled’ children of divorce.

Happy Mother’s Day 2010!

Carolyn — Mon, 10 May 2010 03:05:20 +0000

Part of Me by Melissa Moss

Happy Mother’s Day! Here’s to all the mom’s. Moms who are here and moms who smile from above. Biological moms and stepmoms. Foster moms and adopted moms. Moms with angels in heaven and moms at heart, trying to conceive. To all the women who give of themselves in the name of a child, we honor you today.

Because I have that kind of a sense of humor, I was going to embed Justin Timberlake and Adam Samburg’s “Mother Lover” skit from Saturday Night Live. Because all us moms deserve a little mother lovin’, you know?

But then I read Postsecret’s Mother’s Day Secrets.

When I started this blog, I was lucky enough to have a reader point me in the direction of the Postsecret website. In essence, it is an art project where poeple anonymously mail in postcards depicting a secret of theirs, and every SundayFrank Warren publishes a post showcasing the ones he chose. The cards range from heartbreaking to heartwarming and dark to just plain silly. But above all, they are fascinating. I often find myself looking forward to Sundays just to read the new collection of ‘secrets’ published there.

Today’s collection was incredibly moving. And of course, every postcard was about mothers. I can’t think of a better way to give tribute to this day, than to point you over there. (But unfortunately, Postsecret does not post it’s archives, so if you click this link after May 15th, 2010 you will see the current edition for that week, not the Mother’s Day edition.)

PS – Make sure you have some tissues handy.

You’ve been warned.

Happy birthday baby blog!

Feedback Friday

Carolyn — Fri, 07 May 2010 17:07:41 +0000

The original Simon Cowells

Okay. So don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a weekly thing and I know that chances are you aren’t even reading this on a Friday, but I couldn’t resist the cheese factor of the title. Or the picture. Simple pleasures, but I’d better get back to the point.

Dear readers, I’m asking for your help.

I want to check in with you and ask for your thoughts and constructive feedback regarding this blog. I welcome any comments you may have regarding anything, from content to style. (And before you start I just want to say that I am aware of the atrocious grammar in my extended visitation post and I’ll be editing it this weekend. I’m never letting myself post past 3 a.m. again!) Here’s a few questions to help get you in the mood:

Are my posts relevant? Interesting? Are there topics which I’m missing or skimming over?

Is my comma usage or sentence structure completely annoying or difficult to read?

Do you find this website hard to navigate through or not user friendly? Have you noticed broken links? Is the homepage useless?

Is the header juvenile? Is the overall style cluttered or ugly? Is the color scheme stupid?

While I was away on vacation a couple of weeks ago, I jumped on my friend’s laptop to do some maintenance and was shocked to see that my header was shorter than my blog width! I couldn’t believe it! It lines up perfectly on every other computer I’ve used. Does anyone else have that on their browser too? Suddenly I felt like I had my fly down. Have you ever had that happen? And then wonder about how many people noticed and didn’t tell you? Embarrassing! Anyway….

Tell me. I want to know. I’m not going to get mad at anything you have to say and in fact I’ll thank you and appreciate the time you took to do so. And one other thing: I’m not fishing for compliments here. Actually, if you don’t have anything constructive to write I would appreciate it if you didn’t comment here. No need to waste your valuable time blowing sunshine up my toosh.

So give it to me. Straight and honest. I want this place to be the very best it can be.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

Welcome!! Again.

Because of You – A Child of Divorce Speaks Out

Carolyn — Wed, 05 May 2010 03:45:18 +0000

I heard this song at work today and I remembered that when it was released, I read that Kelly Clarkson had written it about the impact that her parent’s divorce has had on her since she was six years old. But when Breakaway, this song’s album was released, I wasn’t as in tuned with all things divorce like I am now. Today, I listened to the song with new ears and although I’ve never been a big fan of hers, I found the lyrics resonating. When I got home, I jumped on to YouTube to watch the video and found myself crying.

I didn’t have to endure a high conflict marriage or divorce, but the underlying feelings for all of us children of divorce are similar. The desire to do things differently. The sense that the adults around you were so wrapped up in their own pain and emotions that yours got somewhat overlooked. Needing to growing up fast, put a smile on your face and not show the pain. With today’s normalization of divorce and the consensus even from within that children of divorce need to buck up, get over it and move on, Miss Clarkson displayed a great deal of strength by putting this song forward. Suddenly, I find myself thinking she rocks. Sing it, sister.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra-Om7UMSJc

“Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

How to Prepare For, Survive and Enjoy Extended Non Custodial Visits

Carolyn — Mon, 03 May 2010 06:07:13 +0000

Another postcard from Splitsville

With summer quickly approaching, I can’t help but remember my own extended non custodial visits. Because of sheer physical distance, I generally had Christmas or spring break with a month in the summer with my non custodial parent, just like so many other children and parents of divorce. It’s a tricky thing. As exciting and wonderful as it is to see a parent that you don’t usually get to spend time with, there are a lot of complex issues at work. So many in fact, that sometimes this extended visit which is supposed to be enjoyable, sustaining the parent-child relationship through the rest of the year, crumbles. Ending up as a high stress, upsetting or downright uncomfortable time. And nobody wants that.

So I thought. I thought about all of my past extended non custodial visits and everything I’ve read from others. I tried to remember what worked, as well as what could have made them easier. I tried to consider it from all angles, which resulted in the need to break this post down into three separate lists. One for custodial parents, one for non custodial parents and one children of divorce themselves.

So without further delay, I present:

The Grown Up Child’s Guide to Prepare, Survive and (I daresay) Enjoy an Extended Non Custodial Visit

Tips for Custodial Parents: Including how you can ease your child’s anxiety, why you should help them pack and what you can expect to hear when they return. Read more HERE.

Tips for Non Custodial Parents: Including how you can prepare to make the visit easier on you, your child and your partner/other children. As well as advise on how to spend your time and deal with conflict. Read more HERE.

And finally, Tips for Teen Aged and Adult Children of Divorce: Want to know why your parent is suddenly so short with you or hugging you every time you’re within arm’s reach? Feel like it’s not fair that you have to be uprooted during your own holiday times? Is it really your job to make this all go more smoothly? Read more HERE.

Parental Alienation Awareness

Carolyn — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 05:07:44 +0000

From Postcards from Splitsville

As a young teenager, I had a brush with parental alienation.

While standing at a sink washing dishes it was declared to me that one of my parents must not love me. Then I was assaulted with all the twisted evidence to prove their claim. The lack of phone calls, the apparent lack of interest, and of course the lack of child support all while I was assured that my ‘other’ parent had always provided all of those things for me. The propagator of this garbage got incensed when I asserted that I was indeed loved by both my parents, and I was shrilly asked what evidence I had to prove it. When I couldn’t provide any, I was told that my lack of any ‘real’ counterpoints merely confirmed their argument. And the debate was over. I was told again that I obvously wasn’t loved by ‘that’ parent.

I remember that night so well. Each word felt like a rock being hurled against my skin. I remember the anger that raged within me and the sadness that threatened to overcome me. I fought with all my might to hold back the tears because crying felt like defeat and I wanted more than anything to appear strong in the shadow of my perpetrator. Even twenty years later, remembering that night and writing this post, I can feel my heart beating faster and a tightness in my throat.

On that night, the alienation was not done by my biological parent but that didn’t matter. It was an adult. An adult who knew better and who’s care I had been entrusted. I was alone and they had all the power. The damage was done and that moment of our lives can never be retracted. Over the years, my hurt and anger has faded, and has been replaced by a sliding scale of disdain, pity and indifference. But trust is another matter. The trust is gone and no matter how many years pass, it eludes me. At the time I felt like I was the one being attacked, but now I know that I was merely collateral damage in an attempt to hurt and gain power over ‘that’ parent.

Yet understanding only brings me that, understanding. Everything else remains.

Sunday April 25, 2010 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day. And although there is much debate about what actually constitutes parental alienation or if the syndrome even exists, this grown child of divorce simply wants to spread this message: kids of divorce have enough on their plates without having to negotiate the impact of someone negating a parent. Chances are, they are already dealing with anger toward their parents, guilt about those feelings, shame about the characteristics they have from their other parent, and of course the stress of living through the trauma of divorce and anything else that came before and after it. They really don’t need anything else.

The other thing I’d like to inform parents, step parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and the like, is that the damage inflicted by this kind of abuse is significant and leaves very deep scars. You may be angry and you might even feel a bit better after lashing out or having your say. But for that child, whether it be for days, weeks or even years, that child will hear those words you spoke to them every time they look at you. Even long after you’ve forgotten them. Truly whatever benefit you may feel by getting things off your chest will be far outweighed by the negative impact you will have on that young person’s heart. And if you are able to force your way of thinking on that child, realize that your short sighted gain will one day be lost and a day of reckoning will come. And in those particularly heinous cases, know that it will come even harder.

I remember witnessing one day a child of divorce coming home from her non custodial visit. Her mother became displeased with her behaviour and said to me and all those around that she always acted that way when she came home from her dad’s house. The mother also added that she felt her daughter’s poor behavior was a reflection of her father and was evidence of him rubbing off on her during their time spent together. A moment later, after her daughter said something out of line, she sarcastically called her daughter by her father’s name. Her daughter crumpled into a pile of angry tears and my heart couldn’t help but break a little as the scene played out before me.

When it comes to putting down a child’s parent, the rules are simple. Don’t do it. It’s not like telling ‘yo mama’ jokes with your friends. That child is not your equal and with your power comes a great responsibility. Your words carry a sense of authority and will cut more deeply than you know. And what’s hardest of all for us kids is that we will undoubtedly see some truth in what you say, no matter how loudly we dispel it. I think the author of The Divorce Encouragist said it best when she wrote, to speak ill of your co-parent is to tell your child, “Honey, I love you. But biologically, you are 50% jackass.”

Yes, that’s exactly how it feels.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=thYJN9-vgWw

The Non-Custodial Visit: A Journey to a Foreign Land

Carolyn — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 04:34:01 +0000

Have you ever been on an extended vacation to a faraway place? It’s so exciting. You anticipate it for weeks. You think about it all the time in the days leading up to the trip. And then when you get there, you feel in awestruck by everything! Everything that’s new. Everything that’s different. You enjoy seeing and learning the culture and language, immersing yourself in all it has to offer.

But after some time, whether it’s a day, a week or two weeks; at some point the culture shock sets in. And suddenly nothing feels exciting or interesting any more. Suddenly it all just feels…foreign. And the only thing you crave is something familiar. Something the same. You find yourself desperately searching for something native to wrap yourself up in. And then, once you’re back home and settled into routine? You can’t wait to go again.

That’s how a non custodial visit can feel. Like a journey to a foreign land.

One of the newer and more self sacrificing trends for divorced parents involves living close to each other after divorce. Some parents even opt to live on the same street or in the same neighborhood. I cannot speak from experience, but I can only imagine how nice that must be for a child. Children under that custody arrangement would surely not relate the example above. And the experts agree that the healthiest scenario for children of divorce is for them to have open and easy access to both parents.

While talking to a teen aged child of divorce just last week, I happened to ask, “Do you live with your mom or your dad?” He replied “I live with both, they only live a couple of blocks apart.” I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that this young person actually felt that they had two homes. Because for me after the age of eight, a career opportunity didn’t just lead my father to another city, it eventually led him to another country. Like so many families after divorce, mine was separated. First by 300 miles, then few years later by 2500 miles. After which my non custodial visits were relegated to a schedule of alternating holidays, spring breaks and a month in the summer.

And here’s the thing about visitations being few and far apart like that. The non custodial parent’s life moves on. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. It’s inevitable and what is supposed to happen. My father was married and building a new life with his wife. He was making new patterns, new traditions, having children, growing, maturing, and changing. But I wasn’t there to see it or experience it with them. Then I would show up and everything would feel different to me. Not only different from my home, but different even from the last time that I visited.

And it was fun. So fun that there often wasn’t time to see this new life in it’s natural habitat. We were always doing neat and exciting things as they showed me the sights of their area. It was just like being on vacation with my best friend and their family. Except, my best friend wasn’t my friend but my parent and the head of that family we were with.

For them I’m sure it all felt neat yet awkward too. But they had each other and the comfort of the normalcy they all provided each other. I always felt like I was playing ‘catch up’ in the family. Not really knowing the ropes but feeling like I should. All the while missing the ropes I did know. While never wanting to express that for not wanting to appear ungrateful for the time I had with them. Never wanting to appear like I wasn’t fitting in or being a part of the family.

There’s a certain level of stress that ensues from that situation.

I remember when I had my first son. In the weeks after I brought him home I was overwhelmed by the changes he brought to my life. Previously, I had come to a place in my life where I felt competent and comfortable in my abilities as a grown woman when suddenly, I felt unsure and ignorant about everything. I remember one day my husband in trying to lend a hand, said that he was going to go downstairs to do some laundry while I was holding our son. I started crying and yelled, “I want to do it. I know how to do laundry. I don’t know anything about being a mom.” I loved my son. I was proud to be a mom. But that culture shock had set in and all I wanted, was to do something familiar so that I could feel confident again. Even if just for five minutes.

I often read about step parents feeling slighted when their children don’t acknowledge them or always turn to their biological parents during their visitations. And I can’t help but wince, thinking their step children are just trying to do their own metaphorical laundry and probably feeling very unsure about themselves and their surroundings as a whole. Their biological parent represents their one shining symbol of familiarity. Of home. Because although my dad had changed, he was still my dad. He was the one I had come from and I knew he loved me no matter what. That’s what I could be sure of and what I could count on. He was my link to comfort, assuredness and confidence. He was my laundry. And sometimes when we aren’t sure what to do or what to say, we err on the side of doing or saying nothing.

The non custodial visit. A journey to a foreign land.

That’s how it was for me. What were/are non custodial visits like for you?

**Feel like you need tips on how to make it better? Watch for upcoming ‘How To’ articles which will be entitled Preparing For An Extended Non Custodial Visit and Using Technology to Bridge the Gap.

My Interview With Co-Parenting101

Carolyn — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 14:23:44 +0000

Well, over this past beautiful weekend, I devoted my blogging time to some website maintenance. I was finding that my category list was no longer specific enough and therefore not an effective way to navigate through my posts. In the beginning, it didn’t seem like much of a problem but as my content grows it feels more and more important that you be able to find the information you are looking for quickly and without frustration.

So using the new and improved table of contents to the right, I hope you find your browsing experience to be much improved. If you happen to notice a category that I have missed or that you would have liked to see included, please feel free to let me know.

And I found an unexpected benefit as well! As tedious as wading through and categorizing each post was, it made me notice a post that was missing from my collection. You see, months ago I did an interview for one of my favorite co-parenting websites, coparenting101. It was published back in November as a two part series and I can hardly believe that I never pointed you all towards it until now. Here are the links:

Adult Child of Divorce: Interview with Carolyn Grona, Part I

Weren’t They BOTH My Parents, All of the Time?”: Interview with Carolyn Grona, Part II

It was the first interview I was asked to do shortly after I started this website and I was really proud of how it turned out. I would imagine that divorced parents and step parents will find the information the most useful, but fellow children of divorce may also find some similarity in sentiment. I would love to know if you shared the same experiences, thoughts or feelings. I would encourage you to leave your comments either on the coparenting101 site, or here.

Enjoy!

I Don’t Know Why Elin Stayed, But I Get it

Carolyn — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 03:22:56 +0000

I can hear the collective exasperated sigh, “Why, Elin?”

He cheated on you. And not just with one woman, but with…what’s the count at now? Oh yeah, thirteen. Thirteen women. You were betrayed by him, played for a fool by him, and publicly humiliated by him. Then, he got to hide out at a rehabilitation clinic while you had to stay put, man the fort, care for your children and remain under the media’s microscope.

You could walk away, you know. Walk away with the world’s blessing and a boat load of his money.

So then why, Elin? Surely you can’t feel affection for him anymore. Surely you can’t trust him anymore. And really, without love and trust, what is there left in a marriage worth staying for?

I was thinking all of these things one night and then I read that Elin is a fellow child of divorce, who always felt somewhat alienated from her father as a result.

Suddenly, I got it.

I thought, maybe she’s staying because one of her biggest priorities as a mother is to not relegate her children to the same ‘child of divorce’ status that she grew up with. Maybe she wants them to have the experience growing up that she didn’t; having both parents together and an equal part of their lives. Maybe she would be willing to pay any emotional price in order to give them that gift.

Maybe she’s staying because she wants nothing more than to know that she didn’t walk in her parent’s footsteps. To know that she did better. To know that she took her vows and didn’t negate them. That she was able to succeed where they had failed.

Maybe she’s staying because as a child of divorce, the phrase ‘sanctity of marriage’ isn’t just a collection of words but a truth that she feels to her core. And so for her, as long as he is willing to try, willing to work and willing to change, she will be too. Then no matter the outcome, she will always be able to say to herself and her family that she stood strong when others would have crumbled. That when it came to her marriage, she was ‘all in’, and in the end left all her blood sweat and tears and anything else she had to give in the ring.

Maybe, despite everything Tiger Woods has done, she still loves him. Maybe she remembers the best times in their relationship and still finds herself smiling at them. Maybe she wants to have the opportunity to create more of those memories.

The truth is, I don’t know why Elin stayed. We all know he doesn’t deserve her. But chances are that her decision had very little to do with him or his wants, and very much to do with her, her history and what she wants for both herself and her children.

I may not know the ‘why’ but the ‘why’ isn’t necessary to understand. As a child of divorce, I get it.

And I wish her all the best.

How Does Divorce Affect Children?

Carolyn — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 04:17:36 +0000

found on Postcards from Splitsville

How will my divorce affect my child? A lot of parents out there are asking this question and unfortunately there’s a problem with the answer.

The problem is that the ‘answer’ doesn’t really exist. The professionals don’t know. Two of the leading experts in the field, Judith Wallerstein and E. Mavis Hetherington seem to give very different research based answers to this most fundamental question. In Wallerstien’s The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, she contends that divorce damages children significantly, both in the critical years post divorce and into adulthood. But in Hetherington’s For Better or Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, she states that most children of divorce become well adjusted, thriving adults.

What I really dislike about the research are the generalizations that tend to get tossed around by experts as evidence of our damage. Statistics, such as we tend to get lower grades, attain lower education levels, have higher rates of incarceration, drug abuse and alcoholism, will suffer more broken bones and illnesses, and have a difficult time maintaining long lasting, healthy marital relationships. All of those things may very well might be true, but reading them usually prompts an oppositional response such as, “I was divorced five years ago and my child’s grades haven’t gone down at all” or, “My parents divorced when I was seven and I’m happily married today”. And those oppositional arguments bring forth the premise that as long as children and grown children don’t fall into those generalizations propagated as the definitive evidence of emotional damage, then it must follow that there was no damage from divorce at all. Not only is that entirely false, it doesn’t get us anywhere.

I would prefer to look less at the surface and get more to the heart of the matter. What does divorce do to a child? Really?

I believe that divorce is a trauma for children. And for those who would argue that an amicable divorce isn’t, I would respond that it doesn’t really matter how softly the button that drops a bomb gets pushed. It doesn’t matter if the person dropping it waggles peace signs or sings Kum By Ya. It doesn’t matter. The trauma still happens. The ‘amicable’ part really only helps reduce the aftershocks. But that trauma affects us to our core. It alters the fabric of our very being. And like any trauma survivor, we develop coping mechanisms to navigate our survival. That is the biggest difference between children of divorce and children of intact families – we have had to find coping mechanisms unique to our situation. And it is our coping mechanisms that will mitigate how long we remain victims, as well as if or how we transition into survivors.

I believe there are two core issues that children of divorce struggle with. The issues of trust and attachment.

Trust, because everything that we trusted since we were born: our parents, our family, our home completely and unexpectedly changes and we have absolutely no power to prevent it. Attachment, because we are expected to accept the loss of our family, often times the relative loss of one parent, sometimes the loss of our home and simply move on. I think almost every other emotion we have can be traced back to these two issues. Anger, because we couldn’t trust what we thought we could. Sadness because we didn’t want things to change. It all goes back to the core. And it is the coping mechanisms we develop when confronted with these emotions that determine how healthy our response will be.

Some will develop particularly toxic coping mechanisms. They might hurt everyone around them so as to not feel alone in their pain. Others can form rather helpful coping mechanisms. They feel powerless and out of control so they find something like school or sports that they can focus on, control the outcome of and excel at. According to Heatherington, 25% of us develop severe psychological problems. I think the psychological health of the child previous to divorce has the biggest impact on how well they will cope in both it’s wake and aftermath because the healthier one is psychologically, the healthier their coping mechanisms will tend to be.

These are some of the coping mechanisms I employed:

Trust – I found growing up that I was always making contingency plans. I never knew when the bottom was going to fall out of whatever I was doing, so I was always considering alternatives. This was sometimes perceived as being well prepared, and other times perceived as scheming. And since the only thing I could really count on was me, I wanted to control whatever I could and I became fiercely perfectionistic. My anger runs palpably under my surface and although I control it as well as I control anything else, it’s still there. Lying in wait.

Attachment – I am intensely independent. Being physically and verbally affectionate with my parents or siblings makes me uncomfortable. Being close emotionally with others is very difficult. I prefer to hold everyone at an arm’s length. Growing up, I couldn’t wait to become an adult so that I could form a family of my own, to create attachments which I could relish in and enjoy. And now that I have those, they are the cornerstone of my life. I don’t really know who I am. I not only disassociated with others, I also disassociated with myself. When asked a question, I usually spend less time contemplating my actual answer and think almost entirely about how I should answer. Because meeting expectations and not letting anyone really see me, makes me feel safe.

Am I a thriving healthy adult woman who got good grades, completed College, has a career, has friends, got married, had children and owns a home? Yes. Does that mean that my parent’s divorce didn’t affect me? No, of course not. I still feel those aftershocks of divorce, even thirty years later. Some of those affects, I have embraced. I was able to funnel some of my issues in a positive way. Into a positive coping mechanism. Some of those affects I am working to change because the coping mechanism no longer produces the result I’m looking for.

How does divorce affect children? Ask me, because I think I may have the answer.

It turns them into survivors.