Their Bun, My Oven

One Year Ago Today...

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:36:00 +0000

A year ago today was the day that I first spoke with K & M on the phone. We got to know each other and talked about the particulars of the surrogacy. I only remember this because it was also the day I got the phone call that my Dad had passed away in an accident. A lot happened in a year's time and yet nothing happened. Ha!

When I last left you, I was taking a summer vacation from surrogacy. I had contacted K & M to let them know I would not be continuing with the third round of IVF with them. The cycle that they cancelled was pretty rough on me physically, (not to mention the emotional aspect) and was bordering on just plain dangerous. Because they had broken the contract by cancelling the transfer, I had no obligations to continue. I just didn't know if I'd do it anyway, or part ways on the day K called me with the news of her pregnancy. The more I thought about it, the more it was clear that choosing not to continue was the right decision. Some extended family situations came into light, and coupled with my immediate family's need for a healthy wife/mother it didn't seem responsible for me to continue.

Of course this lead to a lot of ill feelings on K's part. One day out of the blue, my fertility clinic called me to tell me that I was banned from their services. I was completely shocked. What had I done? Apparently, K had told her credit card company that the charges for my ultrasounds/bloodwork were fraudulent, making me look like a criminal.

I contacted K&M saying that I hoped this was a mistake and asking what happened. K's reply was full of hatred, telling me what a horrible person I was, that they weren't pursuing a child now, and that she hoped I never would "do this to someone else." She wasn't interested in clearing my name with my fertility clinic at all, so I had to turn to my lawyer.

If I didn't clear my name, I wouldn't be able to go through with a surrogacy for anyone else as it's the only clinic in the vicinity. My lawyer was able to clear things up by highlighting in the contract where K&M were responsible for my medical fees in addition to the documentation where K&M's fertility clinic has sent orders for the bloodwork/ultrasounds in question. Pretty cut and dried really, so my clinic removed the ban, but indicated that I would not be able to continue any services ordered by New England Fertility. No problem there.

So, that's where we're at. I'm done with K&M. I have no plans to pursue another surrogacy at the present time. My family needs me right now, but I'm grateful for the learning experience and all that entailed. I truly wish I could have been part of the equation for completing a family, but then everything happens for a reason, doesn't it?

Done! :)

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 21:46:00 +0000

Yep, still waiting.

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 03:29:00 +0000

No news yet.

I still haven’t started a new cycle either. I kind of like it that way. I did pick up my provera but don’t intend to take it unless my uterus is needed in a timely manner.

The weight is continuing to come off, so that’s very positive. (And if anyone needs any great, low carb recipes, we’ve had some amazing food lately.) I’ve also been cleaning like I’ve only done at the end of my pregnancies. Maybe my body’s estrogen is dropping enough that I’m going into nesting mode. LOL! Either way, the house is cleaner and my floors look great. (Literally I’m a slave to my cherry wood floors that run throughout the main level of our house. )

I know some of you are wondering what the future holds for me and when. I’d like to know too. I’m a planner. But you knew that.

Happy, Safe, and Healthy Independence weekend to you all!

We do a lot of waiting

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 19:17:00 +0000

K has decided to miscarry naturally as opposed to having a D&C, so she’s taken the week off, hoping that it will happen early this week. It’s my understanding that, with a blighted ovum, it could take up to two months for the body to realize the pregnancy isn’t viable and miscarry, so I hope for her sake, that it’s sooner rather than later. I can’t imagine how difficult and emotionally painful it must be to walk around knowing you’re carrying a pregnancy that isn’t viable. Not to mention the anxiety it would cause.

Because I know it may take some time, I’ve chosen to stick with my current plan of not medicating. I do still have that Rx for Provera waiting for me at the pharmacy, but it can sit there for a while. Maybe we’ll make it a game. Who will start a new cycle first? Okay that’s not really even funny.

I almost feel badly that while she grieves, I am feeling so so so wonderful. I’ve lost 5 lbs in the last week and my face is starting to clear up. I’m feeling cheerful, and playful, and my motivation is back. I’m not so tired all the time and really overall, I’m just enjoying my summer with the girls. We’ve been strawberry picking, and soon it will be blueberry season. We’re dinking around in the garden and may never have cherry tomatoes, as little A gets a little too anxious to pull them off the stem. She doesn’t understand colors yet so it’s hard to tell her that green tomatoes are not tasty. She doesn’t seem to mind. bleccck. We’ve got K’s first soccer game tonight. Ironically, I wouldn’t have missed her game last Wednesday by being out East because it rained cats and dogs. Go figure. lol

So, right now that’s what’s going on with us. We wait.

Empty Sac education

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 15:26:00 +0000

I think you are catching the drift that I enjoy the science behind things and I like to go in search of "answers" about things. I try to drive life instead of life driving me. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's not. Anyway, for what it's worth, here's some information on Blighted Ovum which is the term used for an empty gestational sac.

From American Pregnancy Association:

What is a blighted ovum?
A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry.

Many women assume their pregnancies are on track because their hCG levels are increasing. The placenta can continue to grow and support itself without a baby for a short time, and pregnancy hormones can continue to rise, which would lead a woman to believe she is still pregnant. A diagnosis is usually not made until an ultrasound test shows either an empty womb or an empty birth sac.

What causes a blighted ovum?
A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg.

How can a blighted ovum be prevented?
Unfortunately, in most cases a blighted ovum cannot be prevented. Some couples will seek out genetic testing if multiple early pregnancy loss occurs. A blighted ovum is often a one time occurrence, and rarely will a woman experience more than one.

The chance of this happening to K&M was probably higher than most, simply because with age comes more risk of chromosomal abnormalities. I have to believe that if this embryo truly did have a chromosomal abnormality, this might have been a blessing in disguise, knowing that they intend to terminate a pregnancy resulting in chromosomal defects. Better to miscarry now, I would think, (As if there's EVER a good time to miscarry - There's not.) than to carry the baby longer and go through the hell of making a conscious decision to terminate a baby with a beating heart. Every day you carry that baby is another day that you love it even more. Others might not agree and I understand that.

So... what are the chances of this happening to the last 4 frozen embryos? I don't know. That question echoes in my mind. They've not done genetic testing on them as their RE believes the risk of damaging one or more of the embryos is greater than the risk of an abnormality. (??) It's also costly. So, who knows?

I'm becomig afraid of Fridays

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 21:50:00 +0000

I've not had internet all day and missed an email from K this morning.
She emailed to let me know that she had an ultrasound this morning and the gestational sac was empty. No doubt, she'll need to decide between a D&C or natural miscarriage. What a hard choice for someone in her position to make.

Please, please, please send your positive thoughts and prayers to K&M tonight. No doubt, they really need them. I feel just sick for them and just can't imagine how they are feeling. Failure after Failure, a person can only handle so much. This has to be beyond devastating to them.

A little closure

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 14:31:00 +0000

I contacted K this morning to see how her appointment went yesterday with her uterine specialist. She indicated that things went well and that she’s feeling a little nervous today, as she’s not as sick as she has been previously.

I told her I was happy things are looking good and that it’s normal to feel varying levels of sickness. I told her that her new mantra is: I am pregnant today. I will enjoy today as much as possible, and that worrying only steals your strength. I let her know that I have faith in her strength and that I’ll be ducking into the background now, but if she needed anything from me, whether it’s advice or a shoulder, that I’d be there.

I feel like I can go on with my normal life now, and that’s a bit of a weight lifted. I can’t wait to see my daughter’s first soccer game tomorrow night, now that I’ll be home, and I’m excited for the possibilities that the summer holds.

Where one door closes, another opens.

Continue your meds…

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 14:11:00 +0000

Happy Monday all!

I got a message from the RE’s nurse this morning:

Hi Angie,
How are you feeling? Have the migraines completely gone away?
I have just read [K’s ]email and learned of her exciting news. I hope that she has a great pregnancy.
We need to cancel your cycle so I would like you to continue taking the estrace 2mg pill 3 times a day and the crinone 2 times a day through Friday June 24^th and then you can stop and let me know day 1 of your period.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Grace

No, that’s not happening. I returned her email, letting her know that I was already off meds and that apologetically I will not be putting hormones into my body any longer.

I’ve probably really messed up my cycle by doing that, but the thought of one more week of estrogen makes me ill. I don’t feel like that’s healthy either.

Then she wrote back that the RE was prescribing provera (a progesterone pill) and that I was to take that for a week and let her know when cycle day one started. Does she not get it? We’re done. Through. No further cycles. I told her “okay, thanks.” but will not be filling the Rx. I’m excited to enjoy my drug free summer. lol!

I got a message from K yesterday as well. She’s seeing her uterine specialist today and wanted to confirm that I’d hang out and be there for the last transfer down the road if her pregnancy failed. I couldn’t commit 100% but we’ll see how it all goes. I would like the opportunity to carry a baby and finish the journey. There may also be a couple of other opportunities for me, so I’m excited to see where life takes us.

Some answers

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 13:29:00 +0000

So many of you have contacted me in different ways and I want to say thank you for all of the support! I feel your love and it lifts me up. Many have asked how I'm feeling about this. Truly, I feel about 100,000,000 different emotions and it's hard to articulate exactly what they are.

I'm sad that I don't get the last chance to make all of our sacrifices worth it. Completely uncompensated, the countless blood draws, hormone side effects, agonizing decisions, time my husband took off work, time away from family, etc feels unnecessary and under acknowledged. However, in the end, a baby in their arms is all that really matters. The shared goal was to bring a baby home to that beautifully decorated nursery and I hope that I can be one of the first to congratulate them and wish them a happy and healthy nine months. My prayers will be with them the whole way.

Will I find another couple to carry for? -- Some surrogates go in search of parents to carry for and intend to do it several times. This has never been my intention. I saw a couple in need, identified with their desire for a child, and knew I had what it takes to help them. If a friend or acquaintance closer to home needed my help, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I will not actively seek out another couple. I do feel like there's unfinished business and the desire to carry for someone in need is there. I'm just not interested in doing it for a random "someone" if that makes sense.

How did this happen? -- Good old fashioned sex, according to them. She has had numerous chemical pregnancies and possibly some miscarriages as well. I can't quite recall. Six Reproductive Endocrinologists who cared for her all agreed on the same diagnosis. Her uterus was not capable of creating enough lining to sustain life. Yet, it's estimated by the ER Dr. that she's 6 weeks along, and according to her, she's felt morning sickness for a while now. God works in mysterious ways.

I have [almost] no words

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 02:27:00 +0000

I just got a call from K.
She's pregnant.
The transfer is off.
Please send her lots of prayers.
That is all for now.

I’m leaving for the final trip in one week

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:39:00 +0000

…and it really couldn’t be worse timing. lol!

I am heartbroken that I’ll be missing little K’s very first Soccer Game! Let me tell you, three year olds playing soccer is about the cutest thing ever. They look like a bunch of little chicks out there kicking the ball around. Everybody wants the ball and they’re all working on sharing. Getting the ball in the goal makes them erupt in a chorus of “WE WON!” So cute. I’m really sad to miss it. (I mean REALLY sad. This is a milestone after all.) Rest assured I’ll be at every practice and every game going forward.

My Grandfather’s health is also in question. A mass was found on his liver and we don’t know just yet what the biopsy will tell us or if surgery will be involved.

On top of that, my Husband’s Grandfather’s heath is in very serious jeopardy. He had a fall which left him with the left half of his body paralyzed. He has refused a feeding tube so… it’s not looking good. I don’t know exactly how many days one can go without food, so my Father in Law is headed out to be with him. We have no idea if a funeral will be taking place next week and how we’re going to make arrangements for my husband to possibly be gone while I’m also gone. Contractually, I’m obligated to be there for the transfer on the 23rd. I’m praying everything falls into place in our favor.

I had my last bloodwork and ultrasound on Tuesday.

E2= 890

P4=.5

Lining = 9mm

LH=12

The ~~moron of a~~ Third Party IVF Coordinator said”

Results have been reviewed by Dr. Lavy and are in range :o)
[K had to send a message back to her asking for “actual numbers” instead of generalities.]
Please continue the estrace three times a day [Hey she got the dose right this time.]
Please start the crinone [progesterone] twice a day on 6/18 in addition to the estrace [I’m actually taking Estradiol but close enough]
See you here in Stamford on 6/22 before 1pm [This is for blood work and uterine mapping since they don’t do U/S guided transfers.]
OK?

Well yes, ok. Did I have a choice? lol

I’ll have blood work and ultrasound as soon as my plane hits the ground and we drive to the clinic on Wednesday the 22nd. After that we’ll have some lunch and then do a massage and Rei Ki again. Then dinner and I’ll crash in my hotel room. (I have to leave my house around 4am to catch the early flight to LaGuardia.)

The transfer will take place on the 23rd in the morning. I’ll have acupuncture before and after again, but with a different acupuncturist than I’ve had on previous trips.

After that it’s time to rest. I have a new book that I need to check out and read, photo books to create, and hopefully I can find some funny movies to watch. Any recommendations? Supposedly laughing and feeling happy can help the chances of success. We really need to pull out all the stops here. lol!

Before all of that happens, I need to complete my To Do list:

Make updates to the girls’ daily schedules
Make a list and stock pantry/fridge for the girls’ lunches
Plan husband’s low carb dinners and variations for the girls
CLEAN, Laundry
Wash guest bed linens
Lay out the girls’ clothes including soccer gear ::sniff, sniff::
Gather a basket of motrin, bandaids, sunscreen, ouch spray, etc for easy access
And most importantly, play/snuggle/love my girls and hubby a lot!

:: Deep Breath ::

This is the last trip. The last blood draws. The last hotel stay in Greenwich. The last chance to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. PLEASE for the love of Pete, LET THIS HAPPEN. Everyone is counting on success. Honestly, when we started this journey, I never imagined failure even as a possibility. I never thought we’d get to the third transfer. That says a lot, considering that I’m a huge planner.

….So I guess that means that this will work. Pregnancy, here I come. (I hope.)

Much improved

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Late yesterday the RE’s nurse called to say that the RE had decided I could take my migraine medication. I was able to take some before bedtime and between that and the zofran, I’m feeling much improved today. I had lots of strange dreams, and feel groggy like I’m walking through gel today but it’s much better than I had been feeling. If I can get my act together, we may actually go grocery shopping.

I also talked a little with the Mother yesterday. She gave me the nicest compliment. (although it made me a little sad too.)

She said, “Thanks, [A]. You really are the best. Part of the reason we decided not to do any more rounds is that we decided than any potential GC would be a disappointment after you.”

Awww tears. Gotta make this work. Gotta make this work. Gotta make this work…

Once this migraine clears for good, I have a new plan for this cycle. During the last one, I spent so much energy trying to get myself in the right frame of mind for the transfer. I think that excitement and determination is translating into stress for my body though, so I want to avoid that all together. There’s a lot of pressure on this cycle already so I have to try and down play it in my mind. I am planning to play it cool for the next couple of weeks and not think about the transfer as much as that’s possible. I’ll keep everyone updated on my appointments, etc. but you might not hear as much from me until we draw nearer to the transfer.

:: Putting my sun shades on and kicking back …as my kids soak me with a bucket of icy water. ::

Urgent care visit

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 21:30:00 +0000

I had my ultrasound and blood work this morning. The ultrasound nurse noted that my cheeks were flushed and I told her what was going on. She said that, while I wasn’t technically their patient and they couldn’t treat me without orders to do so, she would instruct me to visit urgent care if I were a patient.

The numbness in my face and hands had her concerned the most. When the nurse out east called me with my results, she agreed that I should visit urgent care, but keep taking the estrogen. She was very apologetic.
(Actually the nurse called me after the Third Party IVF coordinator screwed up my estrogen dose and I called her on it. She had the RE’s nurse return my call. ) I also didn't realize that K was cc'd on the message, so she found out that I hadn't been feeling well. I didn't intend for her to know. That's the last thing she needs to worry about. She said she felt like we should cancel the cycle. I apologized and told her not to worry and that we didn't need to cancel. Everything was going to be fine. I feel so badly about that.

Urgent care decided that it was a migraine and nothing more serious. My blood pressure is high but that tends to be my body’s response to pain. (although my normal is around 80/60, so a high reading is actually very high.) Because the numbness is in my whole face and both hands, not just one side, it fits the typical symptoms of a migraine. They said that they could Rx a migraine medication, but I already had one at home, and it needed to be used at the beginning of a migraine. Taking at this point would help only minimally.
The Dr and I agreed that I could handle the headache. It was the nausea that was causing me the most distress, so they Rx’d some Zofran. I think this is kind of funny actually because I took Zofran when I was pregnant with K and it *gave* me headaches. Oh well. If it stops the nausea, I’ll be thrilled.

So… I’m going to call this a positive step. Less puking would be awesome! As long as the clinic out East okay's it, I'm good to go. Now Shoo Migraine!

Return message from the nurse re: migraine

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 21:45:00 +0000

I emailed the nurse at 8:30am this morning.

She returned my message at 4:30pm. I can tell they were concerned. ahem.

She said:

Try 2 extra strength Tylenol with some caffeine and continue the estradiol pills for now. If the Tylenol and caffeine does not work then try Advil with caffeine but try to use this sparingly. When you get closer to the transfer you will have to take Tylenol exclusively.

Riiiiiight. So let me translate that.

-- Dear Oven,
You must suffer on.
Signed,
We don’t really care.

I might actually cry. …But I’m not going to let this own me.

Another day, another migraine

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 15:27:00 +0000

I’ve got to find some relief soon. Saturday’s migraine was awful. I thought I had it under control and then Sunday afternoon another one hit. I should have known it wasn’t completely gone when my face and hands were still numb. I started feeling the pounding in my head late morning and the nausea began shortly after that yesterday. Again I was solo parenting, so I packed up the girls and headed to Target. I mean that’s the logical place to go when you’re getting a migraine, right??? Well… it’s MY happy place.

At Target we shopped like we were on a mission.

Excedrine Migraine
Another Emergency Pepsi
Kiddie pool
Lunch for the girls

I popped the Excedrine in the car and chased it with Pepsi. When we got home I found the compressor and blew up the pool while the girls ate, picnic style. We filled it with water, changed the girls into their suits and I settled into my spot on the lounge chair with a cold cloth on my head and my feet in the water.

With it being the first kiddie pool experience of the year, it kept them happy for hours. Yeah, they drenched me now and then, but considering I was being a pretty sucky mommy, I deserved that. After a few hours I had the migraine under control again and was able to play with the girls a little bit before dinner.

It returned though. About 11pm I started feeling sick again. The visual flashies started and I tried to decide if I wanted to try and sleep it off or medicate. Around midnight I was feeling pretty awful so I headed to the kitchen to find the Excedrine. After I took one, it hit me that those things are packed with caffeine. I proceeded to watch a Tosh.0 marathon until at least 2am. Then I laid there staring at the ceiling for another hour or so. Of course the girls had been playing with my alarm clock earlier in the day, so it started ringing at 4am. That was pretty cool. Then my little early bird thought 6am was a great time to start the day.

So, I emailed the RE’s nurse this morning. I’m still not feeling well and three days is enough already. I asked her if she’s got any ideas for me. We’ll see what she says. In the meantime, we’ll be filling the kiddie pool again this morning I guess.

Emergency Pepsi

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 14:56:00 +0000

I’m writing this morning in a haze. Yesterday morning I had my usual estrogen headache (or bouncing hormones headache – whatever) but it turned into a raging migraine around noon. Of course I was the only one home with the girls, so I attempted to nap while they napped. Except my oldest doesn’t nap any longer and “quiet” wasn’t really in her vocabulary yesterday.

I HAD to get back on my feet so I took Advil Cold & Sinus in case it was a sinus headache. That irritated it more and the puzzle vision, numbness in my face and hands, and nausea kicked in. I took another Advil. I’m only really allowed to take Tylenol but we all know how that works. My job as Mommy comes first. Then I took another, and another. I know that 800mg was the max so I stopped there and pulled out my “emergency pepsi” that I had stashed.

I took the girls outside and set them up with tons of toys. I even waived the white flag and let them put water in with the sand table. Messy, but apparently lots of fun. They figured out that if you plop chalk into the water it turns it colors. Whatever – have fun. I laid in the shade trying not to move, and kept an ear out for what the girls were doing. Finally around 5pm it started to lift. I was so grateful.

I thought I was going to be all set from there on out but about 3am I woke feeling nauseous again but I didn’t feel like getting up so I just toughed it out for a while. Then my little one woke up early, so I brought her back into bed with me and I think snuggling with her warm little body made me feel better. Two hours later when she woke me again with her bright blue eyes staring at me, I felt much better. My face and hands still feel numb-ish but it’s the nausea that gets me, so I’m counting my blessings.

Please let this be the last migraine I have to deal with for a while. I’ve got a lot to make up for today. You should see how my house looks. I think a tornado hit. Inside.

Orders to proceed

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 20:34:00 +0000

I went for blood work this morning. I didn’t have the usual nurse that I’ve been getting and I realized how much I miss her. She’s just the sweetest person, and always remembers me. I guess after 14 visits and veins that blow out, roll, or just don’t give out blood, you’d tend to remember someone though. She’s always gentle and now uses the kinder butterfly needle without having to be asked. The lady today jabbed me and wiggled around with the big ol’ syringe. I guess I’ll deal with the mediocre nurses so that I can better appreciate the good ones.
The ultrasound tech was befuddled looking at the ultrasound screen. She wondered why this was a baseline ultrasound, but I had follicles well formed. (my own eggs). I told her, while yes this was a baseline ultrasound (usually done on cycle day 3) that I was on cycle day 7 after bouncing on and off various meds. She sort of raised an eyebrow.
After that, the RE’s nurse called. I am to take the estrogen three times a day until otherwise notified. Then the kick in the pants. She had promised that I could do my monitoring appointments on Tuesdays because that is the day my mom comes to visit the girls. That way my husband wouldn’t have to leave work. Well she revoked that. I have to go next Wednesday instead. Whatever. As long as I have a baby in my belly after all of this I’ll forgive them. Maybe.
And note to self: This wouldn’t be an issue if I had gotten my behind in gear and warmed my youngest child up to a new baby sitter. The thought of bringing a stranger into my home troubles me, but I’m going to have to do interviews one way or another. I just can’t bear to let the little one cry as I leave. I do have a dear sweet friend who offered to watch my girls as well even though she has a newborn and 2 year old of her own. I totally trust her with my kids but again the little one probably wouldn’t even let me out her door.
*Update:* The RE’s nurse called me back and told me that Tuesday will work out okay. It’s not ideal but if that’s what works best for me then I can stick with a Tuesday appointment. I could honestly hug her right now.
So anyway, it looks like everything is a go. I can settle into my estrogen haze one last time. Maybe knowing this is the last time will make it easier. Knowing that it will result in a baby would make it even better yet. Happy Weekend everyone!

Mix Up!

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 18:37:00 +0000

:: Sigh :: This fertility clinic out east is getting on my nerves. I still have no sync list to make my appointment from. They were promised on Tuesday or Wednesday morning at the latest.

Then, this morning I get a call from the RE’s nurse. She’s frantic. She begins with, “I’m SO sorry,” and my heart skips a beat. What?

She messed up. The transfer date of June 23 is not correct. It needs to be June 30th because they put me on a week of birth control. Why? We don’t know, other than the fact that they let me go 5 days med free (for their own convenience) and my own eggs started to grow. (bad) So I assume they wanted to dissolve those eggs.

Well guess what. K had already scheduled my flights and hotel based on the 23rd. She was angry. You really don’t want to mess with K when she’s angry. The clinic, aware she was unhappy, decided that the 23rd might work after all, so they called me to see if I could change my plans and go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork ASAP in order to scrap the birth control and start estrogen instead.

Well no, I can’t. The earliest I can get into my clinic is 10:50 tomorrow morning. So that will have to do. They’d planned to stick me on birth control for a week. Now after 2 nights, they’re taking me off and starting estrogen again. My body will just loooove going from progesterone based birth control straight into estrogen. Sweet… jerks. My natural cycle is going to be so messed up. This had BETTER result in a pregnancy or I will seriously have a bone to pick.

As a consolation to me, I can still do my monitoring appts on Tuesdays though. I guess I’ll call that a win. That way my mom will be visiting and my husband won’t have to leave work to watch the girls.

I feel badly for K&M. This mix up rocked K’s confidence. This is the last shot and this cycle of IVF is extremely important. We can’t leave things to chance and the uncertainty of whether this new plan is the right call is hard to swallow. Are we rushing the cycle? How will my body respond? What about those eggs I grew? While I’m clearly frustrated for the inconvenience to me, I’m 100 times more frustrated that they upset K. Unacceptable.

Looking to the future

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 03:36:00 +0000

The gravity of this last cycle is weighing on my mind. I wake up at 4am thinking, “How is this going to turn out?”

When this cycle works:

The due date will be: March 13, 2012 or if there are twins, it could be February 19, 2012 based on average twin gestation.

March really works out better because the Midwest has some heinous snow storms in January and February. Maybe Mother Nature is planning some serious blizzards and wants the parents to be safe in their travels. I mean they’ve had enough hurdles already, right?

I’ve never been pregnant in March before. Nope, scratch that. Little A was conceived in the first week of March. I’ve never… worn maternity clothes in March. (I probably cut that one close though. lol!)

The babies I carry do prefer the holidays. K was born unexpectedly, 4 days before Christmas. A was born on her due date the day before Thanksgiving. (and yes I was released in time for turkey lunch at Grammy’s house. woot!) This baby would be shooting for St. Patrick’s day which in and of itself is lucky, right? So that fits. lol

If it doesn’t work out:

Well I prefer not to dwell on it. Several have asked what K&M will do. I don’t know. I don’t dare ask and it’s not my business. I suspect they haven’t made a final decision yet. It’s been an emotionally and financially draining journey to say the least. Bless their hearts.

What will I do if it doesn’t work? I don’t know. The last few days without meds have been so awesome. I miss that. I still have the drive to put a baby in the arms of someone deserving though.

Would I contact an agency? Um… probably not. (Certainly, nothing against those who are/would.) I wouldn’t rule it out, but probably not.

Would I carry for a friend or someone I know who needs help? Very possibly. They would need to contact me though. I don’t intend to beg for takers. lol!!

Would I go on with my life and not carry another baby. That’s a possibility too, although after all this, I suspect I’d feel something is missing. Who knows? At this point, it’s not worth pondering. My time is better spent on reaching the goal at hand, and I’m aiming for a win. A BIG WIN!

I keep imagining the day I place that baby into their arms. They look so happy! I want that for them.

Potato Salad Recipe

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Tue, 31 May 2011 22:16:00 +0000

lol I guess several of you were intrigued by that recipe for potato salad, eh?

Well, here it is. :) If you eat it standing up, the calories don't count.

Several potatoes - probably 4-5 pounds, peeled and cut up (I've used cubed hash browns in a pinch)
1 dozen eggs
1pound of bacon, fried, drained, crumbled
Miracle Whip
Mustard
Ranch Dressing (or bleu cheese - yum)
Green onion
Cheese

To make:
Boil potatoes, boil eggs - dice and combine
Add one or more green onion – the whole thing chopped
Then add a mixture of low fat Miracle Whip and low fat Ranch dressing - 2/3 ranch to 1/3 Miracle Whip to taste
Add mustard, one tablespoon at a time until you get the desired flavor.
Add one package of colby jack cheese. I like the cheese crumbles but whatever is in your fridge is fine.
Add Salt, pepper, lawrys to taste.

This is good when you make it. Even better the next day. :)

The beginning to the end

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Tue, 31 May 2011 19:52:00 +0000

I must say, I feel so good today. My face is clearing up and my ambition is back. Yesterday I weeded and thinned the garden, cleaned out closet, worked on garage sale things, mopped all of the floors, planted a bunch of hostas… It feels great to be off the meds and have my motivation back.

I get to enjoy it for one more day. Tonight, according to the nurse, I start birth control pills again until next Monday. (geesh.) No doubt my own eggs have started to grow after 5 days unmedicated, so I feel badly that they’ve been wasted. Hopefully they’ll dissolve and not cause problems. They could help my estrogen levels though, as developing follicles (eggs) emit estrogen.

The nurse said that she’ll call in my Rx later and then they’ll organize my cycle and have a sync list to me today or tomorrow. sweet.

Tentatively, the transfer will happen on either Thurs June 23^rd or Fri June 24^th…. Of course we could have knocked a week off of that if they’d had it together but I’m going to stop complaining about that now.

K sent me a message to arrange my flights. The subject heading for her email was “Final Cycle.” While I know that’s the case, it made my heart skip a beat. This is it. The last cycle. I’ll never go back to that clinic. (True whether I’m pregnant or not.) My mind flips to a number of scenarios, uncertainties, and mostly hope. Hope serves me better than doubt.

Now excuse me while I shove my hopeful rear end out the door to enjoy our beautiful weather.

P.S. To those of you who have commented on the last few posts… Thank you! Your words do touch me and make a difference. Thank you!

Inquiring minds want to know

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Mon, 30 May 2011 02:59:00 +0000

We had a get-together this evening with a group of good friends. I brought my favorite stuffed potato salad. Actually, I’m not a big fan of potato salad, but my special recipe makes it hard to resist. It starts with a regular potato salad recipe, but then I add ranch dressing, a bag of cheese crumbles, green onions, and BACON. Lots of bacon. Then I let it sit in the fridge overnight. Soooo good.

Several of the people there had seen me at a wedding about a week before I’d last headed out East. Many were kind and wanted to know how things turned out. Was I pregnant? I was really shocked at myself in the way that it stung so much to tell them it didn’t work out. again. I felt kind of ashamed, and sad. More than once, it was actually kind of tough to mutter the words.

One person asked, “It it hard on you to do this?” My answer was that if I can place a baby in K&M’s arms this will all be worth it. Many ask how many times we’ll try. I wonder if they’re judging me or genuinely interested. Most likely genuine.

Others want to know if I’ll be carrying multiples and why, if I didn’t want to carry twins, I would have agreed to do this. That’s a valid question. In all honesty there are two reasons for that. One – When presented with the opportunity I was excited about it and also naïve. I didn’t go through an agency who would have prepped us, so while my husband and I thought about several different scenarios, twins didn’t play into many of them. Additionally – when I first met with the parents, they were clear that one healthy baby was the goal and twins were not ideal. They indicated that they were planning on a single embryo transfer for the first two transfers and then maybe a double transfer on the third try. I was not aware, at that time, that the embryos’ mother was of advance maternal age, so I took their intentions at face value. The parents were clearly not aware that a single embryo transfer was most likely a sentence to failure. We’ve all got our facts straight now and we’re moving forward.

Knowing what I know now, if someone came to me and said they wanted to be a surrogate, but didn’t want to carry twins, I’d tell them they probably weren’t well suited for the job. That sounds harsh, but I would. There are many reasons for that, but my intention is not to write a novel tonight. Ask me if you really want to know the answer though.

The most forward question I got was, “If this doesn’t work out, what are you missing out on that you were going to put the reimbursement toward?” um wow. Well… It’s not about the reimbursement, but it would be going into our girls’ college funds. Now y’all know and nobody has to ask that one any more.

People crack me up. lol! I’m glad people are interested, as long as it’s for the right reasons.

Update from WTF meeting

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sun, 29 May 2011 03:22:00 +0000

I couldn’t stand it any longer. I emailed K and asked how it went. She had just forgotten to send me an update.

According to her, they’re not changing my meds after all. Everything will remain the same and they will give me a call on Tuesday to order meds.

Great so I get to suffer all weekend. Then on Tuesday they’ll start my cycle over again so I can suffer some more. Then I’ll start estrogen just in time for next weekend so I can nurse my headache all next weekend. Forgive me if I sound cranky about this, but… well… yeah. It makes me cranky.

My biggest pet peeve about this clinic is that they’re all about convenience. For them, not me. Hey no big deal if the patient has to start a cycle twice. This is the third time they’ve done that. Not once have they had it together enough at the beginning of a cycle to get my meds ordered. I guess they figure, No big deal if the bouncing hormones make me suffer. No big deal if they are closed one week out of every month. No big deal if they have to extend my use of estrogen to match their vacation schedule. Geesh, I’ve about had enough.

I’m sorry to sound whiny about this. IF we can make the planets align and I birth a healthy baby as a result of this, then it’s all worth it. Hands down.

This HAS to work.

In other news, I’m still rocking my muffin top like it’s my job. 18lbs in two months, and counting. No dietary or exercise changes. Just added hormones. I pulled out the fat pants today from the “donate” pile. Sorry Goodwill. Between my hormonally induced pizza face, and my junk in the trunk, I’m feeling more than a little self conscious.

Something has to be done, so I’m starting a diet with my husband on Tuesday. Lean proteins, a little complex carb, lots of veggies, and once this pack of pepsi is gone, it’s gone. (Unless that should occur while the estrogen is kicking my ass.) Hopefully that will halt the weight gain, stabilize my insulin levels, and it would be a bonus if some of the weigh would recede. Both estrogen and progesterone, in high doses, tend to change your body’s response to insulin, making you more prone to storing the fats your body processes. Sweet huh? NotSoMuch.

Okay so… no more whining. Smile on. Goal in mind. Sight set on a positive attitude. (and a smaller caboose.)

Um… but if anyone has a recommendation for a good, non-chemical laden, face cream/gel whatever, give me a buzz, okay?

Here we go.

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Sat, 28 May 2011 01:21:00 +0000

I’ve been waiting for an update from K today. She had her meeting with the RE to talk about what they’re going to change for the next cycle and when the transfer will be. I’m thinking around June 17 maybe, but I’ll have to wait to find out. I swear I’ve hit “refresh” on my email account 100 times today in anticipation of her message. It’s still not here. I don’t know why I’m so anxious. I guess because they said they were going to change my meds.

I do know that traveling to CCRM is out for this cycle and I'll be heading back East once more. They wanted something like $36,000.00 to do a Gestational Carrier cycle plus another $6K+ for the testing. Yeah, that's not going to happen.

The new cycle started today too. I didn’t get much of a break. Just watch though, since I didn’t get a return message from the IVF nurse this afternoon, they’ll let me go for the weekend and then order me to take birth control for 2-3 days next week to restart the cycle. I guess I’d better fill up on green leafy veggies in anticipation, or I may become anemic. argh.

One last cycle. Hail Mary. Here we go.

Attitude improvement

noreply@blogger.com ("The Oven") — Thu, 26 May 2011 21:58:00 +0000

Well Halleluiah the sun shined today. At least the weather is improving so we can get back outside. (The house stays much cleaner that way.)

I have to admit that it feels really good not to be popping pills and inserting meds today. I feel more like myself. Last night I drowned my sorrows in copious amounts of sushi and martinis at my SIL’s birthday celebration. Today the pepsi is flowing freely and when I come off the sugar high, I might just find the motivation to clean up the house for company tomorrow.

The parents have their WTF (just like it sounds) appointment tomorrow, so I’ll have a better idea of what changes they expect to make and a date for the next cycle after that. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t more than a little nervous.

Thank you to so many of you who sent uplifting message, prayers, and kind thoughts our way. Each and every one of them touches me.