Them Damn Dragons

Time

2014-08-27T20:11:00.001-07:00

It's all about time......how much time do you have left......no time like the present to take the time.....time flies........the time is ripe........make the time......time is fleeting......keep track of time....mind the time....waste some time....just in time.....have the time of your life.....all in good time....call time.....time out...... on borrowed time.....it's high time.....time is money.......when the time is right..... Right place, wrong time.....Two time....keep time.......buy time......the sands of time....bide your time......the big time.......full time, part time.......time and a half.....time off......doing time....time served.......ahead of the times......behind the times......long time, no see.....start the timer....as time goes by......your timing is impeccable.......time will tell.....time marches on.....time comes to a standstill.......once upon a time.......prime time........a stitch in time........time heals all wounds.......hard time......kill time......call time.....crunch time.......on company time.....the test of time.....time is money.....spare time.......downtime....times running.....timeless......one day at a time......lost track of time......pass the time........it's high time......for the time being......time on your hands......in a timely manner.....take your time....time is on your side.......timing is everything....what time is it?.....be on time.......ain't nobody got time for that.....spare time.....a question of time......in the nick of time.....from time to time....and time and time again.....time flies.......watch the time.....pressed for time....a race against time....no time to lose......keep time.....overtime......before your time......out of time........times up....too much time on my hands ~©MCM 2014

2014-08-27T20:10:00.001-07:00

Such sparkling stars on a blackened timeless sky, like a quilt of the millennium....each star having leant itself to twinkling through myth and fiction and folklore. The beauty.....No wonder man has looked up in awe and created fantastic scenarios to explain just why the stars shine and who they represent. gods and magical beings. And together create hunters and archers and crabs. The same stars shone on the unfinished pyramids as as on the dinosaurs as on the primordial lava churn. And tonight they look down upon me......and they chuckle. To think this insignificant human would dare to think herself special. Oh, but I am. Such a magnificent world I get to inhabit. Shine on! ~MCM ©2014

2014-08-27T20:08:00.002-07:00

Reaching up into the heavens, I pull the blind down to shut away the sun. My eyes prefer the darkness where conversations blur at the end of evenings, when secrets tumble from the lips like spit. ~ MCM 2014

2014-08-27T20:07:00.001-07:00

The sun comes up over the mist-shrouded mountain as the purple-crayoned sky drips into my orange juice, conjuring up a shit green pallette. It is morning......I think it's good.

2014-08-27T20:06:00.001-07:00

Thoughts on the ride home...........So at the close of the day as the journey draws to an end, the question remains 'just how does one allow themself to lose touch when connections are so crucial to the human condition?' In all the celebration and pleasantries of the return to ones own lost family, is there the slightest flash of anger, of resentment for all that was missed, all that was left behind? In between all the 'ive missed you, ive loved you all these years, a sight for sore eyes, ive thought of you often' is there the hurt of abandonment, of one 'choosing' busyness over the effort of connection? And late in the evening as a stack of laminated wake cards is pulled out of a drawer, shocking in the sheer size of the pile, perhaps as many as 100 or more, of all the family members who have passed over in the 30 years that have elapsed, this cousin, that grandfather, that child and we sit around a beaten beer can strewn kitchen table weathered by all the years of tragedies, drinking cold ones while the prodigal son expresses condolences for those who he has memories of and those he never even knew existed, my sister turns to me and whispers about the absurdity of it all. And I agree. And now we head on back down the New York State Thruway, knowing that sometime in the future the phone will ring and there will be funerals to attend and we will carry on the family business of comforting the living and burying our dead. And I will hope that one old man found the contrition and absolution and the comfort of acceptance he was after, hoping he will stay in touch now. Family is more than photographs and memories, it is hearts and souls and hands reaching out to connect. Hold on tight people. Dont let go. So important. So damn important.

2014-08-27T18:07:00.002-07:00

What the fuck?, she asked as she stepped into my head. I never intended to answer her. I had no motivation, no pursuit in life except to live in the moment, to feel each second ticking off as I took my next breath. Slowly my lungs filled and for just an instant the world stopped spinning, gravity was all but lost and I was thrown through time and space, slamming into the concrete wall of reality. To think that I have been sober in my most thought provoking moments. How can my collective consciousness depend on my intellect awakening the monster that I mostly choose not to acknowledge exists? We are each the product of our own circus of experiences, even those we choose not to remember. What the fuck? I asked, returning the vulgarity as if a favor. Why the fuck do you think its okay for you to invade my thoughts? For you to stomp your feet and hold my memories hostage within a tattered scrapbook of bullshit laden black and white photographs. Shall I keep a civil tongue about me while you pull out your well-honed dagger and ask me to turn around to give you my back? Its time for a drink, I muttered. Something that will give me the courage I need to scratch out her eyes. Perhaps a double served up neat. The battle will ensue shortly. The night is too fleeting and for all my bravado, I am afraid. ~MCM ©2014

2014-08-27T18:05:00.001-07:00

There is no god in heaven, No devil wearing shoes
Just misguided dollars being thrown fast at the ruse.
The collar's just a costume, the crusades are almost lost
And beheadings are on Utube at a mighty heady cost
we keep driving bentleys, pumping gas tanks full of gold
watching porn on laptops while sex slaves are being sold
Gay marriage at the forefront while gay kids are being killed
pot is just a scapegoat while big pharma's highly thrilled
Yep there's an app for that, but nothing ever satisfies
Politicians blow smoke up your ass, fill your head with lies
Seems nobody really cares unless they're making bucks
And me I'm writing song lyrics to a score that I know sucks
Nobodies ever gonna listen, never gonna walk the walk
people love to bitch and moan just to hear themselves talk
So we all turn off the tvs so we don't have to hear the news
And Leonard Cohen keeps on singing something about the blues
We take care of our animals and then turn our blinded eyes
Just like the Germans did when the ashes filled the skies.
pretend we don't see the truth, we don't smell the smell
The devils ensconced in heaven, fallen angels ruling hell
morals wax nostalgic in a world where right is wrong
And I just keep on writing another top ten song.
~MCM ©2014

2014-06-29T01:08:00.001-07:00

Down Beach
Summer is here and the shore, it's a 'calling
Sand getting cold as the nighttime is falling
Where once stood castles just memories now
Waiting for darkness to come take its bow
Sunsets a beauty, rippled water is glistening
Waves coming in with a roar, are you listening?
Shorts, a sweat jacket, sleeves pushed to the elbow
Flip flops a'slappin', familiar sound that you know
Walking the boards, shoot the shit with your honey
Playing the games, every year costs more money
Gorilla guy with the girlfriend he had to win for
Stuffed animal, big as his ego won't fit in the car door
Smell the salt in the air, feel the breeze in your hair
And it's down to the water for a moonlight stroll there
Toes in the sand as the surf rushes to meet them
Build a bonfire, roast marshmallows and eat them
A make out session among the dunes on the beach
The seasons only beginning, all dreams still within reach.
Big earth movers drone as they groom up the sand
To get ready for tomorrow in Neptune's magic playland.
~©MCM 2014

My Wish for You

2014-04-15T08:20:00.001-07:00

My wish for you today, is to have your life change in some dramatic way. Not that I wish any heartache into your world, but by losing that which you think is important, sometimes you find out what really matters. These are the five universal regrets of the dying: "Number one: I wish I hadn't worked so hard. Number two: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Number three: I wish I had let myself be happier. Number four: I wish I'd had the courage to express my true self. And number five: I wish I'd lived a life true to my dreams, instead of what others expected of me."....I wish you would embrace these truths before you are on your death bed so that you have the time to live them....for me it was an injury that would change everything, for others, perhaps super storm Sandy having wiped out their world. I have gone back to my roots, I have reclaimed my friends and even made new ones. I have welcomed me back and will no longer live for others, I will no longer be who others think I should be, I have searched for the truths other people tried to hide from me and i have learned first-hand the terrible price of waiting too long. There isn't always another day. I have learned not to listen to fairy tales but to believe in myself and to know that in the end, there are no second chances. There is no better life than this one. Live for the moment. No regrets. ~MCM 2012

Shades of green.

2014-04-15T08:19:00.002-07:00

.............Shades of green...........
Sometimes I try to tell you things you need to know
My mind locked as a prison, cold steel bars I can't let go
Open bloody wounds, White knuckles holding tight,
Stay awake or demons might clutch me in the night.
This little girl you let go
This child loved you so
only half of me, Still can't find the other missing pieces
searching all my life, grains of sand upon dark beaches.
Slipping through my fingers, dreams always seem to chase
Forever waking up as I'm about to know your face
they say you were a good man
But I'll never really understand
Concrete blood stained canvas, Monkey bars, chalk outline
got all the greyscale photos, But that never made you mine
I never sought possessions, Never fought with juried reason
In my critics mind so simple, Forever dead, a man, a season.
~©MCM 2014

Ruminations on a Cold Winter's Night

2014-04-15T08:18:00.002-07:00

Ruminations on a Cold Winter's Night.....

The wind is whistling, whipping through the forsaken naked trees and as they do their frigid dance, the trees a' moaning. The ice encapsulated trunks are crackling like cat-o-nine-
tail whips and the ice laden branches let go of their encrustations, sounding like a million shattered shards of candy glass stabbing the frozen mantle below. Tis the dead of winter, no smell of spring in dreams tonight.
~MCM 2014

Born and Bred

2014-04-15T08:16:00.001-07:00

Born and Bred
This city, girl, will eat you up and spit you out for breakfast
Making you wish you never dared step foot on bedrock
A town that doesn't want to know your name
Or care one damn bit where you cut your teeth
It's the music of the trains as they go clacking by
It's the hot breath of the steam vent dragons
And don't be askin' for a map to the stars
They walk over the bums and put change in the cups
Just like everyone else who then pretends not to see
Easing their conscience, spending even more for a coffee
It's the nannies pickin' up the school kids in yellow taxis
It's gambling and chickens hanging down in Chinatown
So easy getting around the joint if you just remember
The aves run north and south and the streets go across
Except for the village maze, always worth getting lost in
the real foods on second ave and under all the bridges
It's the Wall Street thieves in their Brooks Brothers suits
It's the shows going on every night up on broadway.
City so jaded no one dreams anymore cept'n cabbies
Paying a mortgage to rent a million dollar medallion
Of Course they're rippin' you off, comes free with the ride
Just the name of the game, ain't no Cash Cab for you.
It's the marijuana delivery boys on messenger bikes
It's the carriage horses dropping dead, still shackled
Skyscrapers, brownstones and a gentrified lower east side
A punk ass freedom tower cause they didn't have the balls
To build something taller and better, a fuck you to the past
A bull runs up broadway and Billy Joel's in the Garden
It's the canyon of heroes, clubland meat packing district
It's Trinity graveyard and B-ball in the fenced courts
He reminds us, theres a big red nuclear target on our backs
Yes, we know Mr President, we've seen the planes
And the grey ghosts of the living streaming over bridges
While children waited for their parents to come home
It's the biggest, the baddest, the rudest, the nameless
It's Battery landfill and perilous cranes swinging overhead
So girl, you just put your head down and your collar up
And walk with all you've got against the wind, pushin'
Cause if you slow the pace they'll walk right through you
And some street artist will use your blood as his paint.
©MCM~2014

A Season of Erotica

2014-04-15T08:15:00.002-07:00

On her knees as her hand goes up to to brush the hair back from her eyes, eyes shyly looking down, and away, a hint of a smile as if embarrassed to have been caught. Sweat glistens on the upper lip, mouth slightly agape, as she whispers ever so softly, encouraging, imploring, lovingly. She uses the back of her hand to gently caress and nuzzle, while the other hand in rhythm pets the delicate petals. Just a few fingers seek it's yielding quarry. A deep earthy scent fills her lungs and she breathes fully and eagerly, again and again, tasting the heady aroma of spring on her tongue. The daffodils are awakening and she is in her glory. ~MCM ©2014

No requiem

2014-04-15T05:48:00.003-07:00

No Requiem
If poetry is dead, I never received that call in the middle of the night. There was no death notice or obituary, no viewing, no remembrances or memorials, no online memory book. No final words, no gasps or rattles, no hand holding, no I love yous. There was no service or eulogy, bagpipers or dirges. No wailing widows dressed in black, no ushers, pallbearers, no undertakers or gravediggers. No embalming fluid, teardrops or whiskey spilled. There was no immediate family, no dear old friends, out-of-town relatives or mistresses discreet behind the veil. There were no flowers sent, no casseroles, cold cut platters and no fruit baskets. No mourning coats, burial outfits or polished shoes. No hearses or limos, rides past the houses or cars with headlights on. No muffled laughter, wracking sobs or offered condolences. There was no death certificate, official cause of death or coroners inquest. No shovels of earth, or dust to dust, no roses at the gravesite. No cleaning out of closets, no passing downs of antiques, no last will and testament. I remain unconvinced, I write. ~MCM ©2014

Tree

2014-04-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

Tree

I heard the shotgun crack of the tree splinter and the cascade of boughs as it took down the smaller trees in its path, felt the solid thud as it met hard-packed earth. No amount of moss could cushion the towering plummet. It did not die a silent death, but moaned and groaned, twisted in its death dance and paid no heed to whether anyone was there to hear it or not. For just one moment the world was silent as if mute of shock, everything ceasing to take in the profundity. Inordinate stillness. Eventually the scurrying resumed, the small birds chirped and the large ones cawed, each going about their own living business. It was the tree your grandfathers grandfather planted and it had seen much. A tree whose roots encamped on the slight hillside to stay the mud from flowing to the orchard, keeping the planting lands plantable. It was a sentinel guard for the homestead a quarter mile away, just one in a row of soldiers chosen for its heartiness. It knew the secrets and traditions, the injustices and the triumphs, never once giving over to betrayal. It stood watching, each year getting taller, broader, the scope of its vision vaster, till it was royalty among bark-laden behemoths. And to what end? To lay broken, just the diagonal side of the triangle where earth meets trunk, meets bole. Forest botany giving way to rotting geometry among the moist ferns of the overgrown acreage. In time to become detritus, after the insects had devoured the fibers and left their own crispy carcasses mixed in with the loam. Yes, it was a tree, a mighty tree, a warrior whose end had come only to nourish the underbrush. And with it's passing the sun shone down brightly on parts where no light had reached for many, many years. A photoerotic process which breathed life where darkness had only dwelled. And the rain fed the spongy moss. Absurd to become such rich fertilizer for a field that no one would ever plow again. The wind howled and the rusty For Sale sign buckled.~MCM ©2014

Do or die.....literally.......a blog about transforming myself one day at a time.

2013-01-20T14:48:00.001-08:00

287

Or maybe 285........... The scale fluctuates.I have decided to go with the bigger number. No sense trying to make things seem better than they are. Face the truth. I have have soared past overweight, heavy, chunky, fat, obese. medically the term is morbidly obese and there is no better description than that, deathly obese. i will die from the disease of shoveling too much food into my eagerly awaiting mouth. I am depressed, upset, resigned and angry that I have let things get to this place. This didn't happen overnight. This is the accumulation of time of all my laziness and gluttony and it is time to pay the piper.

287

I am ashamed of that number. It is hard to see it in print, hard to admit to myself that things have gotten so out of hand. And yet it is so important to put that number out there, in public, so that you understand exactly what i am dealing with. Why cant i love myself as much as i love food? Since i was the candy monitor in 4th grade, i have dealt with the issues of weight. By the time i graduated 8th grade I was 120 lbs. that would balloon up to 180 lbs by my junior year in high school. I then spent a summer practically starving myself and dancing alone in my room and managed to lose almost 60 lbs by the time I returned to school in September. senior year I weighed 128, the least I would ever weigh as an adult. the weight slowly crept back on till 200 was a comfortable weight for me, I felt good at 200 as if my body was made for that weight. but still my weight crept ever upward. I became a mailman and the walking gradually took off 20 lbs but as my body adjusted, my eating did not. even walking 5 miles a day, I started to add some weight. I became pregnant and during the ninth month I weighed 245. I did get back down to 225 after giving birth but a few years later I would break my ankle and put another 20 lbs back on. At this point I was middle aged, things were beginning to hurt and i was starting to spend a lot of time on the couch. I maintained a weight of 245 for 5 years or more until I decided I would quit smoking. I had been smoking for 38 years, having started at 12. Most of those years I was a heavy smoker so I decided the risk of a small weight gain was over shadowed by the benefits of not smoking anymore. I was fifty, it was time. I quit smoking. I was very proud of myself. there was no cheating, no back sliding, I simply made up my mind to do it and I quit smoking. It was that easy, I just didn't smoke anymore. I was expecting to put on 10-15 lbs as all the stop smoking literature warned. That was an average but of course i was not average. I put on a horrifying 40 lbs over the next 6 months. I went past 3x into 4x and am finally disgusted with myself. It is time. My favorite jacket no longer fits. My knees are starting to bother me. Real depression is looming large.

Sunday Jan. 20, 2013

Day 1
......I sit here with a glass of ice water in front of me resolving that I will change this situation. I will report back to this blog. I encourage you the reader to goad or support me by leaving comments on this blog. Wish me well for I am going to try. I am going to do this just as sure as I quit smoking. I may make false starts but I will hold myself accountable. I am going to start small and hopefully get to a place where my diet transforms into something much healthier than what I am eating now. I am making a plan to make little gradual changes. The first one will be to drink more water, lots more water. I will start with one week, that seems manageable

My first goal...285

Day 1, eve, tomato soup, 1 grilled cheese

Good....I started this blog and drank lots of water

Bad....going easy on myself, just getting started.

Day 2
...... was an utter failure....tried not to eat most of the day, made up for it by eating a lot later in the day and ate at night....went to the store and bought things I shouldn't. I didn't keep to the simple plan of drinking water. I want soup to be part of my overall plan and I did buy soup but I bought cream of broccoli.

Good....not much except that I recognize my missteps and I am not excusing myself

Bad.....almost everything...tomorrow is another day.

Day 3

287.... I awoke at 630 am and from 645 till 730 I actually exercised. I did a series of upper body workouts, basically stretches and boxing type movements followed up by 20 minutes on the bike. I began the day with a glass of water. My mid morning plan will be to take the dog for a nice walk of 20-30 mins. It is very cold out...in the 20's. this will at the very least, test my resolve.I am happy that I woke up with a good attitude. Attitude is so important. I have been going through a protracted breakup and am finally admitting to myself just how my depression over this situation is adding to my overall lethargy. I wish that things were different. I wish that my partner and I had worked together to get ourselves in shape rather than just having talked about it. I do think that if we physically felt better, and supported each other in losing weight and being more active that we might have been happier. This would have led to a better relationship and a stronger bond. I know that it will take time to feel better at the end of any relationship. I can spend that time, moping around and eating or moving around and eating better. Looking better will be a bonus. Feeling better about myself is the real goal. I know that nothing is going to happen overnight and that this will need to be a sustained effort on my part. I will allow myself not to feel too restricted so that I don't rebel against myself. It is morning cand I will start the day with some Irish steel cut oatmeal, 1 portion as opposed to the 2 I would usually have. Lunch will be the cream of broccoli soup with a few saltines and dinner will be a homemade hamburger. Hopefully I get myself to the store for lettuce, tomato and zucchini. Grilled zucchini will replace the French fries for my burger. Calorie wise this may not be a great achievement but I believe I will be more successful by taking baby steps. It is very important that I like what I eat or I will sabotage myself.
Good. was so cold out that our intended 20 min walk was cut to 10 mins. went shopping. bought mostly vegetables, made sauteed zucchini which was delish
Bad ate too much during the day even though i ate better things

Day 4

Wednesday

this was a bad day..I am depressed, spent almost the whole day sleeping, which also meant I didn't eat anything until 9pm. right now I just want to get used to the loneliness. I do have people I could call but as this is going to be a long term situation, I really need to get a handle on it. I did call my gf just to make sure she was okay today but I refused to engage in any destructive conversation, short and sweet, I have to go, type of call. dont know if it accomplished anything or even if there is anything to accomplish. Thinking that I will be very lonely till I go to Florida and then it will take me months to get used to my new surroundings and make some friends. It will be another chance to reinvent myself. I went through a similar difficult time 17 years ago during my last breakup and I remember spending months on the couch, possibly 3 and then I got back to the business of living. Seems like that is my normal thing to do. I have read up on it and it is called situational depression. It is also mid winter, it is freezing and i am feeling the doldrums. It is of course late at night and I am wide awake. but I will get under the blankets and fall asleep again. hoping I can be up tomorrow at a reasonable time and get things accomplished. My son says he will be by tomorrow so that will be a bright spot.
The good. didnt eat alot
the bad. didnt exercise, ate very late, sleep schedule is upside down

Day 5

Best day yet. Again didnt eat much but also wasnt really hungry. Thats a big part of the plan, to only eat when hungry. So many of eat out of boredom or depression. Sometimes we arent really aware that we are eating. I made sauteed zucchini and a salad for dinner. I allowed myself a few cookies in the evening as a reward.

the good...the scale said 283

the bad...didnt exercise

Day 6

Went to the deli and bought some cold cuts and macaroni salad. came home and made a sandwich on a hamburger roll. Happy that I didnt go back and make another one because the first one was delish. Made sausage and peppers for dinner. It was great. While I was at the deli I bought a huge sweet potato and 5 baking potatoes. Tomorrow I will have eggs of some sort and I will have a loaded potato for dinner. The Irish way of life.....got a potato, got a meal and perhaps a meal. thinking i need to also incorporate a one a day vitamin in the plan. Excited that my first week is almost over. It has not been difficult at all.

the good....i am cooking almost everyday

the bad...ate 3 rolls between lunch and dinner....need to watch the bread intake...there is no sliced bread in the house but I have to be careful not to replace sliced bread with rolls that are much worse.

My first album

2013-01-14T17:41:00.002-08:00

My First Album.....it all started here

a gift from my uncle TJ when I turned 10

So sad that 2 are now gone...

RIP John Lennon and George Harrison

you will always mean the world to me

record 1
01. Strawberry Fields Forever
02. Penny Lane
03. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
04. With A Little Help From My Friends
05. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
06. A Day In The Life
07. All You Need Is Love
08. I Am The Walrus
09. Hello, Goodbye
10. The Fool On The Hill
11. Magical Mystery Tour
12. Lady Madonna
13. Hey Jude
14. Revolution
record 2
01. Back In The U.S.S.R.
02. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
03. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
04. Get Back
05. Don't Let Me Down
06. The Ballad Of John And Yoko
07. Old Brown Shoes
08. Her Comes The Sun
09. Come Toghether
10. Something
11. Octopu's Garden
12. Let It Be
13. Across The Universe
14. The Long And Winding Road

Kicking Lance Armstrong when he's down

2013-01-12T01:38:00.002-08:00

       I can not be quiet. Mr. Lance Armstrong is about to admit to participating and spearheading a doping ring that shunned those who would not participate in the doping and the coverup. Furthermore, evidence dictates that Mr Armstrong actually orchestrated that only these dishonest athletes would represent the USA and the USPS team. He and his team would freely use steroids and blood boosters and then engage in blood filtering technique where blood was removed from their bodies and replaced with their own previously stored and filtered blood so that when they were tested, no trace of doping would be found. Due to this doping system, he and the American and Postal Service teams won many, many races.
     Mr Armstrong rubbed elbows with the most powerful people in the world, he dated many celebrities, amassed a huge personal fortune and generally lived a life that we all would have loved to live. Although he was given many, many chances to come clean, he continued to lie and attack those who questioned his honesty and ethics. Eventually his house of cards collapsed and almost every teammate testified against him. The doctors who participated also confessed and described how the doping scheme worked and how it was hidden for so long by Mr Armstrong's strong arm tactics (interesting unintentional play of words there). Mr Armstrong not only disgraced himself, the USA, the USPS and a sport which brought him fame, fortune and glory but put himself arrogantly above the sport which made him who he was thought to be. Yet he continued to deny any wrong-doing and continued to claim he was being unjustly persecuted.
      Eventually the day came when Mr Armstrong was stripped of his titles, banished from the sport and had all his endorsement deals taken away. He even had to step down from his own charity because his involvement was quite detrimental to its future.
     My primary complaint is that the punishment did not go far enough because he was allowed to keep the profits which he had reaped from all the years of his doping. So now we have a situation where Mr Armstrong will just not go disgracefully down in history but he will now confess and ask your forgiveness and hope that you feel sympathy for him. I am a charitable person but I am having a bit of difficulty accepting all of this. He does not need to grovel for my sake. He does not need my forgiveness. I would just like him to stay out of the public eye and to privately find a way to atone for what he did. I don't want him to become a bigger celebrity by going onto Oprah's show and making a national admission of guilt. It is my opinion that the time for that is long past. I have seen his character and I cant un-see it. I dont want him rewarded for his behavior anymore. Is that so wrong?
     I whole-heartedly agree with the statement that was made last week by not voting Clemens or Bonds into the Baseball hall of fame. I furthermore was glad to see that no one would be inducted this year, if only because it said to me that the cheating in baseball was so widespread that the entire sport had been tainted. However, again, even though these athletes were publicly humiliated, they were not stripped of the financial gains that they were able to bank while the doping was occurring. It, to me, says a terrible thing to the youngsters who are watching whats happening. It means that you do not need to have integrity anymore, It means that whatever method you can use to amass your fortune is fine. You can cheat, lie and steal and in the end we will have a short memory as we Americans tend to do. But that doesn't make it okay. Perhaps we now live in a new America. Integrity, honesty and fair play no longer exist in this society. Maybe its all about money, glory and fame, even if the fame is really infamy. I dont like this new reality. I dont like what it says about us as a nation and what it says about ourselves as people. I am wondering just who it is we are seeing look back at us in the mirror, just a ghost of who we used to be...........That to me is unforgivable.

Paper

2012-08-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

Monday August 27th 2012

Things on my mind:
Learn to put important papers where they will not be overlooked, thrown away or buried. Our society still requires the killing of trees, which are then turned into pulp and bleached and processed into paper. some of that paper is used for important things, birth certificates, legal documents, admissions to nursing exams and comic books. once misplaced those papers float out into the cosmos never to be seen again. Sometimes I put those papers into neat piles and stacks, which then have other piles and stacks placed atop them, until they become a huge jenga sculpture, too orderly to bother with anymore. Who knows what those piles do when no one is looking.

Sally Ride, Tam, DOMA and Me

2012-07-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

     Today all I am hearing is that Sally Ride came out publicly in her obituary, perhaps a courageous thing to some and a cowardly act to others. Cowardly only in that she did not live out and proud in the gay political arena as some would have preferred. She suffered for18 months from the pancreatic cancer that would eventually kill her. I have no doubt that in those months, the wording of her obituary was discussed and that it was fully a joint decision to honor their long term relationship by including the line that she was survived by her partner of 27 years, Tam O'Shaughnessy. To me it was wonderful that her partner was being acknowledged, but sad that it took her death to allow it. For what reason was it not known while she was alive? We shall never know. Perhaps they felt no reason to make any public announcement.
     There are lots of shades of black, white and grey in the world of gay couples. There are those who choose to live asexual lives or spend their lives in denial, while living a straight life. There are those who are completely closeted, who tell no one, people who to all appearances live a straight life. There are people with "beards", a gay person who has a person of the opposite sex accompany them and appear as a date when out in public. There are those who marry people of the opposite sex and continue their gay lives with or without their spouses knowledge. On the other end of the spectrum are the militant and political gays who are on the front lines of fighting for rights and the repeal of DOMA, the federal Defense of Marriage Act which states that marriage is between a man and a woman, effectively excluding federal recognition of same sex marriages.
     The great majority of gay couples are comprised of people who are just trying to live fairly quiet normal lives as Sally and Tam did, with different degrees of being out. Personally I just live my life, I am neither closeted or out, I am just me. My friends and family know and if it comes up in conversation with other people, I will tell them. I do it on a "need to know" basis. I have never had any issues with people attacking or disapproving of my lifestyle at least not in a way I have found out about it. Honesty is usually the best policy, I believe.
     Sally and Tam had nothing to prove to the world at large. They needed no approval of anything that went on behind the closed doors of their lives, not financially, not domestically and certainly not sexually,. Who wore the pants? Does it matter? Perhaps both did, at different times. I do not know Sally and Tam and their life stories so I won't assume to guess but sometimes in the world of lesbians as in my own life, there is a masculine and feminine energy, a butch and a femme if you will. I have always been the butch in my relationships with women. I am domestically challenged but can fix anything. I would rather change the oil in the car than to change the curtains. Seems the only thing I couldn't really fix are my own relationship issues.
     I did take note that Sally had been married to a man from 1982 through 1987, a fellow U.S. astronaut Steve Hawley. Steve had nothing but good things to say about Sally publicly after her death, although we are not privy to his thoughts in relation to their marriage and/or divorce, there did not seem to be any animosity. I was married to a man for roughly 13 years. Does the fact that Sally and I both married men make us any less lesbians than those who never married? I don't think so. Coming out is a personal journey for everyone. I envy my niece who came out as a young teenager. She made the point to announce it to her immediate and extended family on an otherwise unremarkable day when she was 11 or 12 years old. My then ex-husband called me and told me. He said, "you were right about Alex". It took me back to a day at least 10 years before, when little Alex was playing in a pile of fresh dirt, climbing in and out of a wheelbarrow on the front lawn. I, with my super-tuned gaydar announced to my then husband that our niece, Alex, was gay. He asked me how I knew that, I assured him that I just did. I had already divorced my husband and come out of the closet by the time my niece made her announcement and I was so glad she would not go the route I did. Denial is a difficult thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It is not a conscious suppression and it is not a form of lying. It is a self protection from horrendous things which are more imaginary than real.
   Many gay people do marry before eventually coming out, others stay married for many different reasons. I am so happy that I made the decision to be who I was meant to be, my only regret was that it involved other people. For me it was just something that once I admitted to myself could no longer be denied. I was gay and inside of myself I reached down deep and found the courage to deal with what I had to deal with. I could not remain married to a man when I knew I was gay. It was a hard few years but we did eventually divorce. In the end I was rewarded with the most wonderful sense of empowerment. I wish it had happened earlier. It didn't. But I will always remember my time of coming out as the absolute best time of my life.
     After almost 17 years with a beautiful woman, we are struggling with the end of the longest relationship of my life. There were lots of inequities in the relationship on both sides but I think one of the biggest obstacles for me was in the definition of the relationship itself. Adding to that issue was the fact that I had once been married. We had both been married if the truth be told. I will not speak for her but I know that caused a problem for me. DOMA, states that marriage is between a man and woman. When I became engaged to my husband, people were put on notice, a wedding shower was planned and held, gifts were given. When I legally married, I became one in the eyes of the law, with my husband. The IRS considered us one. Federal, state and local govt considered us one. Even our families were given no choice but to consider that our status within the family had changed. We now had an official anniversary date. My husband and I moved in together, our union was celebrated with a big wedding complete with well-wishes and gifts from our friends. We went on a honeymoon We began to plan for a future, to plan a lifetime in which we would put our mutual well-being ahead of anything else. We would put each other ahead of everyone else. The laws of the country also assured us that our marriage would grant us many, many rights over the course of the union that would protect us in our quest to take care of each other in a realistic yet loving way.
     In an interview with Sally Ride's sister, Bear, herself a lesbian, states that "We consider Tam a member of the family." This statement bothers me. Nothing against Bear and the wording she chose but shouldn't it have been, Tam 'is a member of our family'? After 27 years together, should there have been any doubt that she was part of the family? In a hetero relationship, the minute the "I do's" are said, not only do the bride and groom become family but their entire extended families entwine and there are all types of customary titles bestowed on each member of the now-joined family, Mother-in-law, sister-in-law and so on.
     When my female partner and I began our relationship, it was quite different. There was no fanfare, no gifts, no public announcements, no legal rights granted. We had to decide on a date that would become our anniversary. Which would it be? the day we met?, the day we consummated the relationship?, the day we agreed to be a committed couple?. We chose Fri the 13th, the day we met. No one celebrated the union except us. Because it was a gay union, it was perfectly okay for members of the family to ignore that we had begun a long term relationship. There were no specific names that were magically conferred on the members of the extended families. Within the relationship there were issues of how we defined ourselves. I was allowed no PDAs, something that killed much of our spontaneity. I wasn't even allowed a peck on the cheek in the house near a window for fear someone would see in. We lived together for 10 years on a block that I would not consider filled with prudish people but yet, I had to conduct myself as if we were only friends. I am sure they all knew the true nature of our relationship and I don't believe any of them would have been shocked if I had given her a peck on the cheek or grabbed her hand in a moment of happiness. To keep the peace I had to keep my distance. As a facebook user I tried to live my life openly and honestly but I was only allowed to list myself as "in a relationship". I could never allude to who my partner was. I could never post pictures of us together unless we were in "innocent" group shots. This was the person I loved, the person I was proud to be with but I had to pretend that she was only my friend. I wonder if Sally and Tam struggled with the same issues or if both were okay to keep it to themselves. I struggled so much with my own coming out that it made it very difficult for me to hide the true nature of my relationship. It hurt that I had to and it took its toll.
   The older I got, the more mortality reared its head and I began to understand that without certain legal rights we could not ensure each others well being without expending a great deal of time, money and energy. We did have a few discussions as gay marriage became a possibility in New York State and I think we understood that we wanted the nice parts of marriage but were unsure if we wanted the legal union as we had already been growing apart. Eventually our relationship collapsed and from my perspective, not having legal rights and protections that bind heterosexual couples was a big part of that collapse. I do know that without the support of family and friends, it was easy to let it collapse. Most people will encourage you to fight for a marriage before you walk away. Except for a few friends who let me know they supported the relationship, most didn't understand why I would stay when perhaps I could be happier elsewhere. The simple answer is that I still consider us married until there is absolutely nothing left. 16+ years is a long time. I don't know if we are there yet or not. But in the end, it is about love as it should be. If this relationship does not survive and somewhere in the future, I find myself in another relationship, I want my partner to be proud of who we are. I want the freedom to give my love a quick public peck on the cheek if the moment is right. I think that is important. If you don't value your own relationship, how can anyone else?
     Sally Ride and Tam O'Shaughnessy loved each other. A few close friends and family members were aware of their committed relationship but publicly they were acknowledged as "close friends" until Ms. Rides' obituary was published yesterday. However Tam and Sally legally protected each other is their personal business and as they were remarkably intelligent and wealthy women, I am hoping that they did go to their lawyers and do all that was available to them as a final expression of their love. As far as the gov't is concerned, there will be no survivor rights for Tam and that is a travesty. This nation should hang its head. Sally Ride was a national hero and a mentor to so many young women. Some of those women will be gay. They will fall in love with other women. They will spend their lives together. It is time that DOMA is overturned, It is time the Gov't grants equal rights to all its citizens. Where is the land of the brave and the free? Perhaps one day the work that Sally Ride did will enable a manned spaceship named Courage to land on an inhabited planet where equality is not just a political football.
     Rest in Peace Sally Ride.
     My condolences, Tam O'Shaughnessy.

2012-07-12T15:08:00.002-07:00

My personal collection of statuses, tweets and one-liners

You're not yourself today...I noticed the improvement immediately!!

Blessed are the young, For they shall inherit the National debt.
Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you’re wrong, admit it, and, when you’re right, shut up.
“Just kidding!”- Most popular lie in the world
Me? Ignorant? I don’t know the meaning of the word!
Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.
Power’s out at the mall. I’m stuck on the escalator. Send help! Sent from my SmartPhone
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
It’s easy to believe someone when they tell you EXACTLY what you want to hear.
there's a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.
There’s always that one special person that no matter what they’ve done to you, you just can’t let them go.
The number one lie in the whole world is...i swear I will love you forever..
Don't you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
"Because" - the number 1 most hated answer to any question
In a perfect world you'd be able to mark people as spam in real life.
When you take an amazing picture you automatically think: “That will be my new profile picture”.
my bubblegum flavor lasts longer than your relationships.
I'm at the point today that I'm willing to pee my pants if that means I can go home early.
My life will not be complete until I've walked away from an explosion in slow motion.
.Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.
"Can I call you right back?" is how I end boring conversations.
i hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discocering that my phone is more than an arm's length away.
This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.
It's an awesome burden being the only person in America who understands how a four-way stop works.
I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn't sound fun at all.
The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have
I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.
I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!
Ladies: Don’t over exaggerate your make up. Your face is not a coloring book
I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.
you see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge.
In dog beers, I’ve only had one.
says what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)
Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.
So, if you believe in reincarnation, on your tombstone, instead of RIP, would it say BRB?
Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?
too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor
If ‘real life’ was really that great, Facebook wouldn’t be so darn addictive.
I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.
Women over 50 don’t have babies because we would put them down and then forget where we left them.
I either get what I want or I change my mind.
That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.
Got pulled over today and cop said “papers”.. So I said scissors.. I WIN!!
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.
I like mario. he's cool. he's all like " hello, I'm maaarrio, I'm a Italian plumber created by japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican."
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.
Sorry hun but I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn I'm more of a casino were only the lucky ones hit the jackpot
Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.
I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook.
Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer
You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.
How many times of day can you worry about being pecked to death by a flock of seagulls before it finally comes true?
so....now that the holidays is over....can I please go back to being an ungrateful b*stard????
I looked fear straight in the eye and......it blinked
Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.
How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?
I just saw a butterfly with a tramp tattooed on its back!!....
Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.
Cupid, let’s be serious… What do you have against me?
Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care
doesn't have enough middle fingers for today.
In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.