tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-100801382024-02-06T20:47:14.651-08:00Theology GirlHome to A.L. Kisner in the virtual etherUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-85894622979359512642016-04-29T18:09:00.001-07:002016-04-29T18:09:58.749-07:00Home Chef Meal Delivery: A Review for the IneptI can't cook. This is true to the extent that I didn't properly boil eggs to dye at Easter. This is also true to the extent that this happened:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCxminoeek2hq0KZAtNq3y8G5pisj2R5sm6qszbTWY5Od-wAnARBmU2Ip1iVsTPWhEb6ua36jZteksOzHiqfZGpzbhuvMIbraq9QSt1Blclk9iIyLRxca1J5-86qwZmykwTIkhyphenhyphenQ/s1600/IMG_3167.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCxminoeek2hq0KZAtNq3y8G5pisj2R5sm6qszbTWY5Od-wAnARBmU2Ip1iVsTPWhEb6ua36jZteksOzHiqfZGpzbhuvMIbraq9QSt1Blclk9iIyLRxca1J5-86qwZmykwTIkhyphenhyphenQ/s320/IMG_3167.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Art Installation 1: Exploding Bowl from Burner Turned on in Error</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
But I <i>want</i> to be a person who cooks. I want it so much that I purchase display food. My small kitchen is packed with ingredients that I long to someday make into savory meals for my healthy, nourished family.<br />
<br />
My mother tried to teach me to cook. But apathy coupled with the fact that I've had access to a cafeteria for my entire adult life has lead me to a life of expectations exploded like so many Pyrex bowls. Taking the kids to the cafeteria has its pros (unlimited vegetables from which to choose) and its cons (unlimited access to pizza). It's hard to take them there by myself, as they move through life as if constantly frolicking though fields of daisies. I just end up yelling as trays of hot food are not frolickable.<br />
<br />
Thus, I decided I would try "cooking for dummies," with the <a href="https://www.homechef.com/" target="_blank">Home Chef Meal Delivery Service</a>. I find Facebook ads very compelling and it won me over to Home Chef immediately. I am writing this for other poor shmoes like me who are hopeless in the kitchen who are thinking about giving in the Facebook seduction.<br />
<br />
First, the carbon footprint of this service is ridiculous. The shipping box is layered to keep the food cold and loaded with ice packs. There isn't really a way to send these back. Then, since all of the individual meals are pre-measured, each item is packaged within an inch of its life. Still, however, liquid egg managed to explode over several ingredients. Otherwise, four meals of four servings look like this:<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKj9d89GRp9HJ01rc-JACOnB59zJMPi9FVk8Usi5GOzBNYNAUJ5aXgGD7yzFoEG5FcH3zckqLUUmcAraU_4YCRg_tg5yrkmNQ9lhiBwleOY3Ts1pPxaAQa-rlchY6wrwFl5dCmwg/s1600/IMG_3171.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKj9d89GRp9HJ01rc-JACOnB59zJMPi9FVk8Usi5GOzBNYNAUJ5aXgGD7yzFoEG5FcH3zckqLUUmcAraU_4YCRg_tg5yrkmNQ9lhiBwleOY3Ts1pPxaAQa-rlchY6wrwFl5dCmwg/s320/IMG_3171.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Art Installation 2: At least I can find the bacon, what else really matters?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I set out to make spaghetti and meatballs because honestly <i>how hard could it be?</i> <br />
<br />
"Well," said the universe. "I see your challenge and I raise you ground beef."<br />
<br />
It's not that they didn't send instructions. Following them was easy enough. But I don't eat garlic, and the kids won't eat anything in meatballs other than ground beef, so I had to improvise two sets of meatballs. <i>Because this was fancy food and so help me I was going to use all of those ingredients. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Because my kitchen is so small, I had to cook things in shifts. This added a half an hour onto the cooking. And at the end I had this left over:<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK3bVuCi_iubSCVtbbOiuNHgwkzUaJFKSU6GHUlAWnlNzF0JeQ1AJYmVCb5sdr247QLugtqKoT-t56Vjh-fmuQFEt9HgrGf0XWc-aqFLovqPDahBCxTuv9Qf9pcsRiXxo18cwCXQ/s1600/IMG_3168.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK3bVuCi_iubSCVtbbOiuNHgwkzUaJFKSU6GHUlAWnlNzF0JeQ1AJYmVCb5sdr247QLugtqKoT-t56Vjh-fmuQFEt9HgrGf0XWc-aqFLovqPDahBCxTuv9Qf9pcsRiXxo18cwCXQ/s320/IMG_3168.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
It's like when you make something from Ikea and you have three nuts, two bolts, and a weird bar thingy called "sklur" that you know should have gone into chest of drawers, but for the life of you you can figure out where. So you just leave your Fluvligg the way you made it and weigh it down with sweaters to combat the accusatory wobble. That stuff there? It's cheese. And garlic. It was supposed to be in the food someplace, but darned if I know where. <br />
<br />
The food itself wasn't bad. Kid #1 rated the meal "Ommy Nommy goodness" (and then proceeded to eat about half of her serving) and Kid # 2 said it was yummy (but then ate about three noodles and a meatball).<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLlmNCFlA_8xAvcojIL3G_jnCbKsSl4vVTAuuUkux_7QPEizVNcDRVBi19qY1NW2lqQ8f8793DpUWns7EhSmGeWyxyEJvwIqO5i-QOULiF4xZHSXfxZxwdHAy0bf3c99HDoTqoRg/s1600/IMG_3169.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLlmNCFlA_8xAvcojIL3G_jnCbKsSl4vVTAuuUkux_7QPEizVNcDRVBi19qY1NW2lqQ8f8793DpUWns7EhSmGeWyxyEJvwIqO5i-QOULiF4xZHSXfxZxwdHAy0bf3c99HDoTqoRg/s320/IMG_3169.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2vRHB2VlO9ZfhsGDl9OAk2KicMrdcUq9IHW53SiUatmOPeJxfM4PhkVy4i5cp5_4zwxQuyjwazaJZKNE4Q3GecWgL-3514xaKE1RqP6-HZ2VlI98OsA2U3c7ALgHsOKPBBxLWmw/s1600/IMG_3170.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2vRHB2VlO9ZfhsGDl9OAk2KicMrdcUq9IHW53SiUatmOPeJxfM4PhkVy4i5cp5_4zwxQuyjwazaJZKNE4Q3GecWgL-3514xaKE1RqP6-HZ2VlI98OsA2U3c7ALgHsOKPBBxLWmw/s320/IMG_3170.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Without the Facebook discount, this meal would have cost 40.00. Had I just used the display food in my home, it would have been a fraction of the cost.<br />
<br />
This means, in theory, it took me two hours and 40.00 to produce spaghetti and meatballs and toasted bread that the kids didn't really eat. My husband thought the meat was a little salty, which in Home Chef's defense was likely the fault of my bitter tears and not that of Home Chef. <br />
<br />
This recipe was marked for "beginners." You know who is a beginner, Home Chef. YOUR FACE. HA! TAKE THAT!<br />
<br />
At the end of the day, if you are a true <strike>loser</strike> novice like myself, might I suggest investing in some cooking classes (you had to "mince" things for this dish . . . you do that to pie? I think? In Britain?) or maybe bribe a friend who knows what they are doing to boil your Easter eggs. <br />
<br />
I have three other "moderate" to "advanced" meals to try. I'll be sure to write about how they go, because if you can't get a meal out of the home delivery service, at least you can get a story out of it. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggZGsMAk-hIAyHNEJhXeEZn3mVJ_1BXylq8mBYsCQ1bzEjRysc_M38zXRsRWA-hzGGrJbkXu3d0F0y_PZhvLUkROebpqOPfHdHGC2W40vJ7KZd8y7CuAyEw_ltxzZ1Ip_aZimYcw/s1600/IMG_3173.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggZGsMAk-hIAyHNEJhXeEZn3mVJ_1BXylq8mBYsCQ1bzEjRysc_M38zXRsRWA-hzGGrJbkXu3d0F0y_PZhvLUkROebpqOPfHdHGC2W40vJ7KZd8y7CuAyEw_ltxzZ1Ip_aZimYcw/s320/IMG_3173.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Art Installation 3: "Get it Together Woman, It's Freaking Spaghetti" </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-56918666117708205392016-04-22T07:58:00.002-07:002016-04-22T07:58:24.226-07:00The More You Know"And then, on the way home from chaperoning the formal, I realized I was sitting in puke on the bus."<br />
<br />
"What? That's awful!"<br />
<br />
"Nah. Once my daughter threw up in my mouth. And that was from a stomach virus, so of course I got it. Since that happened, these things don't faze me much."<br />
<br />
"I just can't even . . ."<br />
<br />
"Remind me to tell you the poop-in-the-snack-cup story. You know, when you aren't eating."<br />
<br />
"You have just talked me out of every having children <i>or </i>working in residence life."<br />
<br />
"Ah. That's what makes this work so fulfilling. Making a difference in the lives of others."<br />
<br />
"Wow."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-35397129387871614062016-04-12T07:34:00.004-07:002016-04-12T09:54:32.613-07:00Faith Formation: A Parable in Two Parts<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
I<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Once there was a Little Girl who
loved God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t like
sitting still, or using her indoor voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She also didn’t like to be touched because there were already so many
messages coming into her clever mind that she couldn't cope with much more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The Little Girl’s parents took her
to church because they wanted her to know more about God. And everyone is welcome at church, no matter
what! So the Little Girl tried to sit
still for an hour. The wooden bench was
hard and scratchy. Ladies’ perfume smelled
funny. People talked and talked and the
organ squawked and squawked. And she was
supposed to shake hands or hug—twice! It
was too much. But still the Little Girl
tried very hard because she knew that God loved her and this was God’s house.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
After church the Little Girl had to
go to a class for kids her age to learn about God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had to sit still for another hour!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it was okay because there was a chair
next to a pillar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pillar was cool
and smooth against her cheek and it didn’t mind if she squeezed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she squeezed it, all of her wiggles and
worries came out and she felt calmer and safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
But one horrible day, there was
another kid in the pillar seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">her</i> pillar seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Little Girl couldn’t take it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had been good through the long service
and now she couldn’t hug her pillar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
she tried to push the other kid out of her chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She forgot her indoor voice and indoor
manners because her brain was on fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Teachers didn’t know what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So they made the Little Girl leave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Later, the Grownup In Charge told
the Little Girl’s Mother that the Little Girl was naughty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That she had to leave because naughty Little Girls
made the good little boys and girls “anxious.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That maybe the Little Girl just needed some time away and could behave
the next time she came back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said the
Teachers never wanted the Little Girl to sit next to her pillar again because
it was “distracting.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Mother tried
to explain how the Little Girl needed her seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That she needed extra help to sit still.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Grownup said all of the other good little boys and girls didn’t get
special treatment and told the Mother again that the Little Girl wasn’t allowed
to sit there in class again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Little Girl
cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Mother cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’d both heard this before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everywhere except school where the teachers
loved the Little Girl and worked as hard as she did to try to help her
understand the world, in fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
But this was the first time they’d
heard that they weren’t welcome in church just as they were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So they cried and cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
II<o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“So,”
the Grownup In Charge told the Mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“We are a volunteer-run program.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And we couldn’t find an aide trained for your daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only para-professional we could find who
would work for free is Jesus.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t he gone?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Well,
no. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He rose from the dead, see,” the
Grownup shook his head at the Mother as if this should be obvious.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Great.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Mother walked away to
get a donut at coffee hour.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Excuse
me, Mr. Grownup?” Jesus asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yes?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“The
Little Girl and I are going to need to sit by the pillar.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“But
. . .”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Thanks,
my good friend!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus clapped the Grownup
in Charge on the back and led the Little Girl to her chair.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“I
can sit here?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Little Girl asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Well,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yeah</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean, the pillar feels cool and smooth on your cheek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can hug it and it doesn’t even
care!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus wrapped his arms around the
pillar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seemed to glow a little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And watch this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you try, you can kind of climb it . . .”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Excuse
me, Jesus? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could you please take your
seat?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to start our lesson about
. . . um . . . You,” said the Teacher.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Just had to get that out. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go
ahead,” Jesus said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Your Teachers are
really nice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are good eggs, they
just don’t know what to do with us pillar-huggers sometimes,” Jesus whispered
to the Little Girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hush.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Said the Teachers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Little Girl giggled.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A
few minutes passed and the Little Girl noticed a thread in her pants had come
undone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It looked messy on her neat,
favorite leggings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A tiny flame flicked in
her brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She looked up at Jesus.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Jesus
raised his hand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Excuse
me, Teacher?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, yeah, can all of the
kids get out of their seats and maybe jump up and down for, like, a
minute?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A minute should do it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Teacher looked at Jesus as if he had three heads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But He was the Son of Man so they had to
listen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>After
jumping, the Little Girl felt much better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The thread had fallen off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
must have just been from her coat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>After
class the Little Girl needed to hug her pillar one more time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Did you ever get in trouble when you were a
kid, Jesus?” she asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Oh
man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one time, I snuck away from my
mom and dad because I wanted to listen in the Temple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they thought I’d been saviornapped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When they found me, I told them that
obviously I would be learning about God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That made them even more annoyed and I wasn’t allowed figs for dessert
for, like, a month.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus shook his
head and chuckled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It might not have
been a sin, but my parents were still pretty miffed.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Hmmm.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Little Girl thought for a minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was actually very good with words when
her brain wasn’t on fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Do you know
what the spectrum is, Jesus?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know
what it means if you’re on it?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Jesus
shrugged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“When I hear spectrum, I just
think of the rainbow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All those
beautiful colors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know the story
of the rainbow?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With Noah! I do hear everything in class even though it looks like I'm not paying attention!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a sign’s of God’s love and promises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, that and maybe evidence that my Dad
might have overreacted with the whole world-ending natural disaster thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s a discussion for eternity.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesus rolled his eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Parents, amIright?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
Little Girl giggled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“So
I <i>am</i> allowed to be here?” she asked. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Of
course, my Precious One.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promise that
everyone is allowed to be here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as they
are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said, I think the spectrum is beautiful!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Jesus hugged the
pillar one final time and everyone nearby laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perfection can appear pretty strange sometimes.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-71253767390353966212016-04-01T08:33:00.001-07:002016-04-01T08:33:38.373-07:00They Should Run Workshops <div class="MsoNormal">
Arriving at ballet class for my son is a tricky act of
timing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Arrive too early, he risks his
life climbing and doing flips on the barre.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Arrive too late, he yells at me for artlessly shoving him into his
ballet shoes and bunching his socks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This last time we arrived on the early side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortunately a group of girls in the yellow
leotard group (or “butter” I believe is the technical hue) were already
stretching on the barre.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a woman’s
world at ballet and my son wants no part of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a single one of them were trying to break
their necks, so he ignored them and moved to the staircase to pass the time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I blocked out his extreme sports enthusiasm on the steps and
listened to the little girls in butter talk to one another.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“So, like, are you from China?” asks a first little girl of another.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Um.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m from Chicago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My parents are from Korea," says the second little girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw your face and then I heard you say you
moved here from Illinois and then I was like, what?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Yeah, me too. I thought you were from China," says a third little girl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second little girl laughs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Where are you from?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I was born in New Jersey. We had a dog there. His name was Rusty," Says the third little girl.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m from Boston.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ma!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ma!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Where was I born?” Says the first little girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Boston.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please stop
yelling.” Says her mom. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Ma!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ma!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where were you born?’<o:p></o:p></div>
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“The Dominican Republic.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“That is why your skin is brown?” the little girl from
Chicago asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">"I don't know why my skin is kind of pink. I'll ask my mom when she gets back. I think it's because my Dad is from California," says the little girl from New Jersey.</span></div>
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“Ohhhhh, yeah. Ma!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Good grief, yes this is why your skin is brown. You know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop yelling.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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“Do you like your brown skin?” asks the little girl from New Jersey.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Yes!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“That’s awesome!"<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then all three of them started trying to break their necks by
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for the world.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-61773534373392310452016-03-25T10:06:00.000-07:002016-03-25T10:06:54.335-07:00Meanwhile, Outside the Dorm<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBKx4JSw8T79zTocSzA9CrxD-cZT5EaAMYO5NbuPOjjLZ8cOY5vSrynUjNC-RUtwCBVZDdiY-NazzwR1MfRIYbW6sRFcOZGNS21Wk_Y_DPEDpgK5OoClxrnowsuvQ9qdzq1pnunA/s1600/Goose+Meme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBKx4JSw8T79zTocSzA9CrxD-cZT5EaAMYO5NbuPOjjLZ8cOY5vSrynUjNC-RUtwCBVZDdiY-NazzwR1MfRIYbW6sRFcOZGNS21Wk_Y_DPEDpgK5OoClxrnowsuvQ9qdzq1pnunA/s320/Goose+Meme.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-68853279985437222502016-03-21T04:00:00.000-07:002016-03-21T04:00:05.992-07:00Susan P. Bloom Discovery Award<div class="MsoNormal">
There is an award from <a href="http://www.pen-ne.org/" target="_blank">PEN New England</a> called the Susan P.
Bloom Discovery Award.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In years past
when I have entered, I went searching the Internet for information about it because
that is what I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I search the Internet
for information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It soothes me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few writers who won the award posted about
it and I hung on those posts as if my life depended on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used them to do mental calculations on what
the timeline would be if I happened to be one of the winners.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For the record, I wasn’t one of the winners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This year, I almost didn’t enter and waited until the last
possible second to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, I had a
manuscript.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s called<i> Dear Rachel
Maddow</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an homage to my beloved
<i>Dear Mr. Henshaw</i> by Beverly Cleary, the book that inspired me to want to be a
writer decades ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about politics
and a belief in the potential of our democratic process despite obvious reasons
to be cynical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a filial and agapic thank
you to Rachel Maddow whose show has kept me company and kept my brain from atrophying
during my kids’ baby and toddlerhoods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is my fourth novel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the end of the day, in addition to being One Who Googles,
I am also One Who Enters Things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
is a writing thing I can enter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is
a person to query?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mic drop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So my One Who Enters
Things tendencies overcame my One Who Is Convinced Submitting Things Leads to
Inevitable Rejection tendencies and this year, the committee chose my book.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is some irony in this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I remember when I first started <i>DRM</i> I asked my friend Jen if I should
change the fact that the entire thing is written in epistolary format to Rachel
Maddow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, the real living, breathing
human being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i>Mr. Henshaw</i>, after all, was
actually a fictional person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jen
said,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Write the story that inspires you
most.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That story happens to have an MSNBC news
personality as an off page character.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
took comfort in thinking no one would actually read it, ever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
funny, funny gal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So there it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
took tens of thousands of words and more words and rejections in the triple
digits to get here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s amazing to
win the award and when I meet the committee I will probably drool my thanks all
over them and then faint while trying to sneak a selfie with Lois Lowry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But at the end of the day what means most to
me about this book going anywhere is that it is a love letter to Beverly
Cleary, Rachel Maddow, and all of those women who think and create and
inspire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They keep me going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The least I can do for them is to keep
writing books of my own.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If someone lands here looking for information about the
Susan P. Bloom Discovery Award, this is my advice: keep writing the stories that inspire you
most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep submitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep submitting even when you are pretty sure
it’s pointless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, and also: if you live in a place where it is asked of you, vote in
local and national elections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That might
not influence your craft, but it is essential to a healthy democracy. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-82753824536454452612016-03-18T10:35:00.001-07:002016-03-18T10:35:52.867-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuD4hbkkSdPmvrbAFj1o3u0m-hcHXlC1acFWz6WKtYKTrlyFw1916V5p3s_Ugj8QshWy9jg4ssl5UNI23B6WGDA7AnNGjznrw2gafJMMgo29eQenlBsW9waNHBAoHxqHqpLnolcA/s1600/IMG_3080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuD4hbkkSdPmvrbAFj1o3u0m-hcHXlC1acFWz6WKtYKTrlyFw1916V5p3s_Ugj8QshWy9jg4ssl5UNI23B6WGDA7AnNGjznrw2gafJMMgo29eQenlBsW9waNHBAoHxqHqpLnolcA/s320/IMG_3080.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-17556677934388798552016-03-14T04:00:00.000-07:002016-03-14T04:00:03.369-07:00Tell me, tell me, tell me, something I don't know.<div class="MsoNormal">
Since I do not have a car, I spend a lot of time walking
from place to place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often Pandora radio
is my only companion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I think
the universe is trying to communicate with me through Pandora.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Particularly because no matter what station I
turn to, Selena Gomez sings to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Celtic Woman radio?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Selena Gomez.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gregorian Chant radio?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Selena Gomez.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tom Clancy audiobook?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t’ know if that is a thing, but if it is, you can bet Selena would
be singing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually I find myself thinking, “You know what, who says
I’m not beautiful?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who says I can’t be
in movies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my gosh, Selena, you are
right!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The heart DOES want what it wants!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Similarly, Adele is trying to tell me something, though it’s
harder to say what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though I respect her
talent and will defend her melodious ways, I don’t usually understand her
lyrics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Hello from the other side<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I must have called a thousand times<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">But when I call you never seem to be home<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Hello from the outside<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">At least I can say that I've tried<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 13.0pt;">But
it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Okay, Adele, from where are you calling?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you dead?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Presumably you are in California, but is that a metaphor?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does this person have a landline?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that why you assume he or she is not
home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I think your wording would
be different, as a person need not be “home” to answer on his or her cell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if this person hasn’t picked up the first
twenty times or so, why did you keep trying?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At this point, it’s probably fair to think he or she has blocked
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or possibly gotten a restraining
order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are calling from the “outside.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outside of what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This mortal coil?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outside of his or her new relationship?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Outside of his or her second floor apartment
window while hanging from a branch that abuts the guest bedroom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s healthy that whomever this
individual is, he or she appears to have moved on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You mention as much in the last line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ve obviously made art from this
experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it’s time for the narrator of this
song to get some therapy, maybe a puppy, and move on as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That could be the next single.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Goodbye.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Of course, maybe the universe is just trying to say “hello”
to me through Pandora, and this was the best way to do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hello from the other side, even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So it’s probably best to not overthink it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I’ll give Apple Music a try just in
case I’m on to something otherworldly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-65610967493359121222016-03-10T04:00:00.000-08:002016-03-10T04:00:15.441-08:00Me. At work. Every day.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-14525914699336373832016-03-07T07:41:00.003-08:002016-03-07T07:43:39.758-08:00Horoscopes for Writers<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Pisces</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will receive four full requests on your manuscript.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Three agents will send you a form rejection within
48 hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will never hear back from
the fourth, in spite of working up your nerve and nudging them once every three
months for an entire year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Aires</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Put down the drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It won’t help the chapter arc like you think it will.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Taurus </u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your critique group actually <i>is</i> stealing your brilliant
ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are not paranoid; you are
accurate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Gemini</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Landing an agent?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>ahahahahahahahaha<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Cancer</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feh.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Leo</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You sent queries cc'd en masse bearing the salutation “Dear Agent Homeslice.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you actually expect a
response?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You won’t get one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Virgo</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Memoir is not hot right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Libra </u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one cares about vampires anymore. Or dystopia. Or zombies. Or words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Scorpio</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You will receive kind, praise-filled rejections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your writer friends will tell you this is
amazing, that this is progress even if you don’t think it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These same writer friends will land multi-book,
six figure deals within the next two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Sagittarius</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you remember that girl from Calc?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The one you teased because she chewed on her
hair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, she remembers you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She now works at your dream agency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good luck with that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Capricorn</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The market is flooded with Capricorns right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you considered a major retooling of your
day of birth?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Aquarius</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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You landed a book deal with a small but reputable
press.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your book comes out this
month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oddly, three other books with
similar plots and characters, all by renowned authors with bigger houses, are
released the week before yours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your novel’s
pages are not absorbent enough for your bitter tears. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-24003752017760401572016-03-03T04:00:00.000-08:002016-03-03T04:00:07.126-08:00Theology and OprahHere again is something I wrote close to fifteen years ago. I might be completely off my rocker and I should note that I just made up the formatting of my endnotes. Is it Turabian? Eh. It's at least Turabian<i>ish</i>. Also, I totally subscribe to O Magazine and am a casual Oprah devotee. I pretended that was not the case back in the day, but I was. I was also wearing mom jeans then, too. <br />
<br />
I (was and) am so cool it sometimes hurt to look at me.<br />
<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The Spiritual
Disciplines of Oprah Winfrey<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Introduction</span></b><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“Live your best life—in every way, every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>O</u> is more than a magazine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an Owner’s Guide to your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through the magazine, you’ll learn to focus
your energy, renew your passion for life and refresh your soul.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pull-out subscription request card found
in Oprah’s magazine says it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
just 24 dollars a year, a person can find health, happiness, fulfillment and
meaning in their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, if a person
doesn’t want to subscribe to this publication, Oprah’s promises are also
available on her syndicated talk show and “24 hours a day, on Oprah.com.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After seeing her claims month after month (as
I subscribe to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">O </i>magazine, watch her
show and log on to Oprah.com myself), I began to wonder how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i> is it that Oprah teaches me,
part of her loyal public, to focus my energy, renew my passion for life,
etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise, I wondered what Oprah
means by any of those goals in the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have always believed that Oprah Winfrey is a guru to whom millions of
women look for life guidance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah
responds to their tacit plea by appropriating various ideologies and religious
beliefs and blends them into a novel, secular “spirituality.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I have also more recently come to
believe that Oprah’s spirituality does have definite goals and spiritual
disciplines to obtain these goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
discussion presented here is my own attempt to understand these aims and
disciplines and perhaps uncover what I (and many others) find so
irresistible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Part I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oprahism:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a secular,
consumer-friendly spirituality</span></b><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The term “spirituality” has taken on an ambiguous character in recent
years, with seemingly as many definitions as there are people trying to define
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, there is some agreement
among scholars in the academic study of Spirituality as to what it
encompasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good definition for the
purposes here comes from one such scholar, Sandra M. Schneiders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She writes that spirituality is the subject
matter concerned with “the experience of conscious involvement in the project
of life-integration through self-transcendence toward the ultimate value one
perceives.”<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn1" name="_ednref1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In other words, spirituality evidences that
humans wish somehow to transcend the mundane and appeal to something “larger”
than just themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, spirituality
points to those means by which humans seek to incorporate this desire into
their daily lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Schneiders’
definition is broad enough to allow that “spirituality” can occur outside of an
organized religion (though she does point out that the idea of spirituality as
such started in early Christianity.)</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn2" name="_ednref2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[ii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise,
spirituality need not necessarily have supernatural (or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">supra-natural</i>) aspects to it per se—though usually the “ultimate
value” and “transcendent” would fall into this category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This is a good starting place to
begin looking at why Oprah Winfrey does not merely promote a self help
philosophy but her own secular spirituality and set of secular spiritual
disciplines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of Oprah’s media in some
way references a desire to look towards an “ultimate example one
perceives.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More often, she encourages
her viewers, readers, etc., to seek an experience of “conscious involvement in
the project of life integration through self-transcendence.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah is brilliant in her decision to do
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the numerous polls that keep
appearing in the news are to be believed, then most people in the United States
want to believe in a God or some other power beyond themselves.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn3" name="_ednref3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[iii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise, many people consider
themselves “spiritual” though they do not necessarily attend church.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn4" name="_ednref4" style="mso-endnote-id: edn4;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[iv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s spirituality capitalizes on
this reality and she reframes Schneiders’ definition of spirituality in
language that is not only accessible, but attractive as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of suggesting that women are hungry
for ultimate meaning or bound in a life of sin, Oprah instead sells them “10
good reasons to have faith in the future.”</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn5" name="_ednref5" style="mso-endnote-id: edn5;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[v]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead of
arguing that the world is fallen and in need of redemption (and that all people
need salvation), Oprah says that the world is difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, even difficulties may be overcome
and “happiness” achieved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s
experience of conscious involvement in the project of life-integration through
self-transcendence is renamed “finding your spirit” and her ultimate value is
given any number of warm, fuzzy names (happiness, passion, confidence,
etc.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There are particularities to Oprah’s
ultimate values determined by each individual and some of them may include a
faith life within a particular religious tradition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is okay in Oprah’s spirituality—faith is
a good and useful thing insofar that it is often a motivator in helping one
reach their full potential and/or “happiness.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>On the other side of the coin of Oprah’s spirituality, though, one need <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> believe in God or any religion to
still pursue an ultimate value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, in
light of this, Oprah seeks to create a complimentary ultimate value (in the
cases of those with a faith life) or an entirely new one (in the case of those
who claim no religious background). Oprah ultimately uses new secular language
to give a person what polls say he or she already believe in (an undefined
“God”) but also successfully defines that god as the “happy” self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This is not the end of the story,
however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah does not merely set the
god of the happy self before her fans and expect them to pursue it
uninstructed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather, she breaks down
her ultimate values into recognizable subsets and then lays out sets of
practices and disciplines that can (seemingly) lead any person to successful
life-integration through self-transcendence towards the ultimate value of the
happy self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though Oprah would allow
each person (in this case, each woman) the opportunity to practice her
spiritual disciplines in myriad unique ways, I think there are some discernable
“universal” practices that Oprah encourages her fans to embrace in her secular
spirituality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Part II:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Spiritual Disciplines of Oprah</span></b><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oprah’s spiritual disciplines focus
on three main areas—the body, mind and “spirit.”</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn6" name="_ednref6" style="mso-endnote-id: edn6;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[vi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All three of
these things are equally important and one should not be elevated above
another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, at certain times a
woman may have to focus her energies on one or two aspects and be less
conscious of the other one or two, but overall women should seek “balance”
between body, mind and spirit.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn7" name="_ednref7" style="mso-endnote-id: edn7;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[vii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Balance leads to
wellness in these three areas or as Oprah would say, “leading your best life.”</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn8" name="_ednref8" style="mso-endnote-id: edn8;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[viii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first discipline Oprah mandates
then is to take care of the body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
Oprah, the body is a sacred space, the dwelling place of the mind and the
spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, one should take care of
the body for its own sake, not just because the mind and the spirit need it to
interact with the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mandates of
this spiritual discipline are not difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>First, you have to (not should, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have
to</i>) exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be weight
training, cardiovascular, yoga or a group or individual sport (ideally a
mixture), but Oprah feels that without exercise, the body is a temple that is
not being given proper maintenance—it is instead a building falling into disrepair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Secondly, to properly pursue the body’s wellness, one must eat
correctly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s “correct” way of
eating is both simple and complicated to define on the basis of her printed
media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has a panel of experts (the
“Lluminari”) who review current medical research and make recommendations to
Oprah’s fans about what current diet trends may or may not work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, Oprah seems to endorse the United
States Department of Agriculture and the Department of Health’s Food pyramid
and guidelines for “healthy” eating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Finally, Oprah’s web page offers medical indicators of the body’s
wellness, like a Body Mass Index calculator and other “tests” of how fit or
well a person is by some medical standards.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn9" name="_ednref9" style="mso-endnote-id: edn9;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[ix]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, while
promoting these dietary guidelines and suggestions, her magazine often features
recipes that use a lot of sugar, butter or other high calorie ingredients
(which goes against her own experts and the recommendation of the USDA).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise, during her talk show, commercials
for everything from McDonalds to Jenny Craig endorse eating habits
contradictory to those her experts seem to espouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another problem is that medical wisdom about
nutrition is constantly changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
day it might be considered healthy to completely eliminate carbohydrates from
one’s diet, the next it might be considered dangerous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Thus, a final aspect to the spiritual discipline of caring for the body is
knowing that exercise and medically suggested nutritional guidelines are not
the whole story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are commandments,
but ones that can and should be broken at times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s spiritual discipline mandates that
sometimes a woman must at some point acknowledge her imperfections and learn to
pursue her body’s health in spite of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A perfect body is not possible, but to admit this is not a failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, it is a huge step towards the
ultimate value of the self’s happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Granted, a woman should try to treat her body like a temple and keep it
medically well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, if she does
this to the best of her ability and still finds it imperfect (by whatever
standard, but especially a society that holds up emaciated models at its ideal)
then a woman has broken free of unrealistic expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In learning to be well and to see beauty in
her physical self for what it is (whatever it is) she can continually master
this first spiritual discipline and perhaps be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah herself is the embodiment of this,
since she proclaims happiness in her physical self, yet still submits to the
challenges she has to face to maintain this happiness.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn10" name="_ednref10" style="mso-endnote-id: edn10;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[x]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The self’s ultimate happiness is not dependent on the wellness of the body
alone, however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, one must also
care for the mind and spirit as well.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn11" name="_ednref11" style="mso-endnote-id: edn11;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These two can be
dealt with simultaneously, since in Oprah’s secular spirituality it is often
difficult to discern how she really differentiates the two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, there are different disciplines to
propel each towards the self’s happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>First, just like a woman must come to term with an imperfect body, so
too must she contend with an imperfect mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is to say, Oprah would propose that most people (if not all) have
been emotionally damaged in some way or another in their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best way to deal with this is the
spiritual discipline of therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now,
therapy might appear in many forms; however, the most effective is sitting down
with a trained professional and working through past and present problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many women cannot afford to meet with a
psychologist or psychiatrist, so Oprah tries to make therapy available through
her media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her “Lluminari” team includes
mental health professionals who write columns for her magazine and web page.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn12" name="_ednref12" style="mso-endnote-id: edn12;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fans are able to write in with
questions that are answered either by these two means or on the show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Some of Oprah’s team have gained a following of their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The strongest symbol of Oprah’s spiritual
discipline of therapy is Dr. Phil McGraw (usually just called Dr. Phil).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Phil does have a doctorate in psychology,
but his simple, no-nonsense way of telling people to deal with their problems
is very attractive to the masses (if his ratings and book sales figures are to
be believed).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has even inspired
Sesame Street to create a Muppet named “Dr. Feel,” an orange-skinned character
(who bears a striking resemblance to the real Dr. Phil) who teaches children
the importance of talking about their feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dr. Phil’s therapeutic advice mainly centers on the premise that “the
winners of this life know the rules of the game and have a plan.”</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn13" name="_ednref13" style="mso-endnote-id: edn13;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xiii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He holds that people should not
blame others for their problems and that only they hold the power to change
whatever in their lives is causing unhappiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, he does admit that people often need help in finding exactly
what it is that is holding them back mentally or emotionally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is where therapy comes in, or at least
following the therapy-like exercises and advice found in his media (or other
media advertised on shows like Oprah’s).</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn14" name="_ednref14" style="mso-endnote-id: edn14;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xiv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I mentioned before that therapy comes in many forms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While visiting a psychologist (or trying to
use psychology’s premises on one’s own using a book, video series, etc.) is the
best way to mine through the emotional or mental blocks to one’s happiness,
there are other more tangible means to better one’s situation in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here, Oprah gives people the option of
consumer therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For, after all, Oprah
often argues that one’s mental and emotional state is affected by the physical
state of their life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put another
way—economics and material well-being play an integral role in a person’s
happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though Oprah would definitely
say some people may be happy without material wealth or well-being, she would
also give equal credit to a person who would not be happy poor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">One of the most popular means of pursuing consumer therapy is “Oprah’s
favorite things,” a segment on her show (and reoccurring feature in her
magazine) that highlights things that make Oprah happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These possessions might be anything from a
scented candle to an outfit worth thousands of dollars.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn15" name="_ednref15" style="mso-endnote-id: edn15;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, if a person’s economic
situation is in too much trouble to be cured by small time consumer therapy
(i.e. shopping), then again Oprah employs a team of experts to work with fans
in that area too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr. Phil’s equivalent
in this area is Suze Orman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah really
admired Suze Orman’s advice because she blends money seamlessly into a secular
spirituality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah muses, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“ . . . What I really do
admire about [Orman’s] advice is that she is able to get to the root of what is
really blocking you from having the money you want and deserve, because this is
a big old universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear to you
people, it’s a big old universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Go—created to have abundance for all of us, especially those of us
living in America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can have it . . .
the same force that causes the sun to rise every morning can get you a BMW if
that’s what you want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all much bigger than that . . . “</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn16" name="_ednref16" style="mso-endnote-id: edn16;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xvi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Here
Oprah seems to acknowledge that she does believe in a power that is not human,
one that controls the universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However,
at the same time, she ascribes the same power (the ability to earn enough for a
BMW) to a human as she does to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
is both acknowledging a power beyond humans while at the same time reaffirming
a person’s own ultimate power over their (in this case financial) fate.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn17" name="_ednref17" style="mso-endnote-id: edn17;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xvii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oprah gives fans a third option in
her spiritual discipline of therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here, psychology based and consumer therapy are wed into a kind of self
directed intellectual therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
manifested in several ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah often
speaks of her ultimate value of happiness in terms of finding one’s life
passion or “destiny.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often times,
people get sidetracked in their sub-conscious pursuit of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah gives them intellectual means to get
back on the correct path.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first way
she does this is by encouraging people to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While people should read anything that speaks to their situation and
inspires them, Oprah feels particularly confident in her own literary
choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is why Oprah’s book club
was born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every month, Oprah picks a
book that kindles within her a passion to pursue excellence (in her work, in
her efforts at caring for her body, etc.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The book club is really just a manifestation of the kind of
self-directed intellectual therapy Oprah offers throughout her media.</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn18" name="_ednref18" style="mso-endnote-id: edn18;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xviii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah likewise offers her
recommendations on movies people should see, topics people should discuss and
think about for themselves (gleaned from her daily talk show topics), public
figures people should admire and perhaps emulate, ways people can improve their
homes and even hobbies and jobs people should pursue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These recommendations are offered time and
time again—and people are willing to buy en masse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think this is due mainly in part to the
fact that it is an easily accessed, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fun</i>
form of therapy that takes place in a group dynamic (albeit an often anonymous
one, like being part of the at-home television audience or participating in an
online chat).</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn19" name="_ednref19" style="mso-endnote-id: edn19;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xix]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here psychology and consumerism are
seamlessly blended—people are given a chance to “shop” for something that
appeals to them (like a book or hobby) and then use this as a means to “live
more passionately” or “remember their spirit.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In other words, it allows them still another means to experience the
conscious involvement of life-integration through self-transcendence toward the
ultimate value of self happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Still, Oprah has one more final
spiritual discipline that allows a person to move towards complete
happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For while taking care of the
body and seeking various forms of therapy may take care of most of the needs of
the mind, body and spirit, sometimes that just isn’t enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, one must look and work outside of
the self to truly be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is best
encapsulated in Oprah’s “Use your Life” movement and in her mobilization of an
“Angel Network.”</span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_edn20" name="_ednref20" style="mso-endnote-id: edn20;" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="RU" style="font-family: Garamond; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xx]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></span></a><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first project, her call for
people to “use their life,” mandates that people are not solitary
creatures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can and must reach out
to the other so that they themselves may be made whole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example—a carpenter is not really a
carpenter (or at least a truly happy, self-actualized carpenter) unless she
uses her skill to build sometimes for a person in need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise, a person who is financially
well-off suffers somewhere within them (even if they can’t consciously
recognize this) if they do not share their wealth with others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah lives this philosophy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though she maintains much of her wealth
(indeed, it makes her happy and she feels no guilt about this), she also gives
a lot of it away to various charitable organizations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s own charity, the Angel Network, is a
manifestation of her belief that giving benefits the giver as much as those who
receive (if not more).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, Oprah
defines the spirit as that which gives a person’s life value (though determined
by each individual herself).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah tells
her fans time and time again that they will never really be happy unless they
give to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says this is true
for the rich and poor alike (though she acknowledges that it is usually not the
poor who need to be reminded of this).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps more than through taking care of the body and pursuing therapy,
in following the spiritual discipline of giving of one’s self (or using their
life), a person is most likely to encounter the ultimate value of true
happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Conclusion</span></b><span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a word I use throughout this paper,
and don’t really define.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, it’s so
essential to my argument that Oprah’s cult of personality actually qualifies as
a secular spirituality and to the fact that her suggestions are not merely
aspects of a self help movement, but instead secular spiritual disciplines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is due mostly to the reality that Oprah
doesn’t really define happiness herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or actually she does, time and time again, but the definition changes
with such frequency that it’s hard to pin down exactly what it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then, I would argue, who needs Oprah to
tell you what happiness is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, she
does have her own version of it manifested in her magazine, her web page, her
television talk show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I also think
Oprah would be the first one to tell you that it is you—and you alone—who
determines what happiness <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i>
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So that takes the burden off of me
of having to define the term—but it does not take away from the argument that
“the happy self” is in fact Oprah’s ultimate value, her god.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Furthermore, what makes Oprah’s ultimate
value of happiness a spiritual pursuit is the fact that this “happiness” while
individualistic, is transcendent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
something that lays both within the human psyche, moves within society as a
motivator for human life and perhaps still somehow causes the sun to rise and
set (or get people the BMW they’ve always wanted—whatever).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The means Oprah sets out before people to
acknowledge the ideal of happiness, the possibility of harnessing it themselves
and incorporating it into their daily lives, fits Schneiders’ definition
of“spirituality” perfectly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus, when
enacted, Oprah’s spiritual disciplines are Oprah’s secular spirituality
actually manifested, actualized into existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In other words, even if a person were to argue that Oprah’s media
doesn’t present a spirituality per se, the moment a person chooses to actually
follow her advice with the goal of achieving “happiness” (even if using other
language, but meaning the same thing) they are in fact moving Oprah’s secular
spiritual theory into practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if
it hadn’t existed as spirituality before, it does the second a person starts
enacting it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="RU" style="font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: RU; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So where does this leave me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started this paper with the intent to find
what Oprah was teaching me to look for and how I could go about finding that
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, now I know Oprah wants me
to find happiness (which I may define for myself) and that I can pursue said
happiness through taking care of my body, seeking various types of therapy and
by giving to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, all of this
sounds nice enough on some level I suppose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m all for being happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
hear that life is generally better when you exercise, eat right, talk about
your problems, occupy your time with worthwhile intellectual pursuits and try
to help other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Oprah’s media
does a lot of good—it helps a lot of charities and really seems to change a lot
of lives for the better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, at its
heart, Oprah’s spirituality also frightens me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean, I am one of millions who hang on her every word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I, along with my millions of sisters, buy the
books Oprah loves, consider the fashions she endorses and even tolerate Dr.
Phil’s advice simply because Oprah suggests we should.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if I am willing to care about her every
move, hang on her every word—shouldn’t I be getting something with more . . . <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">more substance</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, is it really healthy that Oprah’s
fans should pursue a spirituality that holds “happiness” as its ultimate
value?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s so small, so
insignificant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, as the ultimate
value in Christian spirituality, is not just more substantive, God is so much
more <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ultimate</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The God I’ve come to know doesn’t seem to
give a hoot if a person gets a BMW.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Indeed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">simplicity</i> is key.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s spirituality is one of indulgence and
for the most part ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is why it
is so popular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is why I like it so
much—at heart I am just a hedonist like everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I consume and think and help people for my
own edification.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, Christian
spirituality gives a way to sublimate (imagine—redeem!) these impulses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, alas, I see Oprah’s spirituality as a
trap for people to remain satisfied in their own web of sin and ultimately,
estrangement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then again, I feel like
I’m being too hard on Oprah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, she
does seem to do so much good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there
it is again—she <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seems</i> to do so much
good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe she does do some, as
much as any other person can do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But is
this enough?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this what a
spirituality, at its best, should be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Something that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seems</i> to do
some good in this world?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I don’t
think it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I will keep watching
Oprah’s show . . . renew my subscription to her magazine . . . log on to
Oprah.com.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I think I’ll stick with
Christianity to define my life’s ultimate values and see Oprah’s spiritual
disciplines are peripheral to what I should do to try to integrate my search
for the transcendent into my daily life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div id="edn1" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref1" name="_edn1" style="mso-endnote-id: edn1;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Schneiders, Sandra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Study of Christian Spirituality:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Contours and Dynamics of a Discipline</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Christian Spirituality Bulletin</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spring 1998, Vol. 6, 1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2-3. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn2" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref2" name="_edn2" style="mso-endnote-id: edn2;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[ii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Schneiders, Sandra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Theology
and Spirituality:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strangers, Rivals, or
Partners?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Horizons</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1986.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Vol. 13, 2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>258.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn3" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref3" name="_edn3" style="mso-endnote-id: edn3;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[iii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><strong><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">FOX News/Opinion Dynamics Poll</span></strong>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sept. 23-24, 2003<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><http://www.pollingreport.com/religion.htm>
April 14, 2004.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn4" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref4" name="_edn4" style="mso-endnote-id: edn4;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[iv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><strong><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">CNN</span>/</strong><em><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">USA Today</span></em><strong>/</strong><strong><span style="font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Gallup Poll</span></strong>. Dec. 9-10, 2002.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><http://www.pollingreport.com/religion.htm>
April 14, 2004.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn5" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref5" name="_edn5" style="mso-endnote-id: edn5;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[v]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beck, Martha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ten reasons to feel good about the
future</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>O:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Oprah Magazine</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>March 2004.Vol. 5, 3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>79. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn6" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref6" name="_edn6" style="mso-endnote-id: edn6;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[vi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Spirit and Self</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/ss_landing.jhtml;jsessionid=BRV3E0CGNGQBLLARAYIB3KQ>
April 14, 2004.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah believes that
humans have “a spirit,” or a force that propels them to ask, “How am I of
value?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their spirit is something inside
a person that drives them to find “their destiny<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn7" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref7" name="_edn7" style="mso-endnote-id: edn7;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[vii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Balance</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April, 2003.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200304/omag_200304_mission.jhtml > and <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<
http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/well/ss_lybl_well_balance.jhtml> April
14, 2004.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here, balance is basically
defined as not over-eating, over-spending, over-working, over-exerting any sort
of physical or mental resource, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn8" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref8" name="_edn8" style="mso-endnote-id: edn8;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[viii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Live your best life online
workshop</i>. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><http://www.oprah.com/presents/2003/lybl/pres_2003_lybl_home.jhtml?_requestid=944029>
This is a link to Oprah’s online course and only accessible to people who sign
up for the free trial or pay for the full course for $24.95.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the course, Oprah teaches fans disciplines
very similar to the ones discussed in this paper.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn9" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref9" name="_edn9" style="mso-endnote-id: edn9;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[ix]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fitness<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>< http://www.oprah.com/health/intrain/health_intrain_main.jhtml>,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Weight </i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<
http://www.oprah.com/health/weight/health_weight_main.jhtml><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April 14, 2004.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are numerous other pages on her web
site that offer similar tests and advice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn10" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref10" name="_edn10" style="mso-endnote-id: edn10;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[x]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Winfrey, Oprah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s
Body Confidence Month!</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>O:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Oprah Magazine</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May 2004.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Vol. 5, 5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>41. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn11" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref11" name="_edn11" style="mso-endnote-id: edn11;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Transform yourLife</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>< http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/ss_lybl_main.jhtml>,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<
http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/ss_lybl_well_main.jhtml>, and <http://www.oprah.com/spiritself/lybl/ss_lybl_control_main.jhtml><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April 14, 2004 are good examples of
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn12" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref12" name="_edn12" style="mso-endnote-id: edn12;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah.com.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Emotional Well-Being</i> <
http://www.oprah.com/health/coping/health_cope_main.jhtml> April 14,
2004.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The numerous links of this page highlight
articles that are good exemplars of the general form of Oprah’s endorsed
therapeutic options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn13" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref13" name="_edn13" style="mso-endnote-id: edn13;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xiii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Phil, McGraw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Life Strategies—formula for
success</i>. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=082802_lifestrategies_formulaforsuccess.xml&section=Life%20Strategies>
April 14, 2004 <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn14" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref14" name="_edn14" style="mso-endnote-id: edn14;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xiv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nelson, Marcia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oprah
on a Mission: Dispensing a Gospel of Health and Happiness</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Christian Century</u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sept 25—Oct 8 2002.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Vol. 119, 20.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>22. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn15" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref15" name="_edn15" style="mso-endnote-id: edn15;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One example of this, though her show, web
site and magazine are full of them, can be seen on the cover of the March 2004
issue of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>O: The Oprah Magazine</u></i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A headline for a feature highlight reads <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How to be happier:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life-changing tools, tricks, shortcuts,
breakthroughs—and, of course, shoes.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This whole issue of the magazine has a theme about how buying new shoes
really is a road towards happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn16" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref16" name="_edn16" style="mso-endnote-id: edn16;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xvi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lowney, Kathleen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Baring Our Souls</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New York:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Aldine De Gruytier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1999.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>91.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn17" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref17" name="_edn17" style="mso-endnote-id: edn17;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xvii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Winfrey, Oprah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Last Lecture:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cues</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Religion and Intellectual Life</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Winter 1987.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Vol 4, 2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>69, 72. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn18" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref18" name="_edn18" style="mso-endnote-id: edn18;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xviii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bauer, Susan Wise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oprah’s
Misery Index:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her Book Club’s
Selections’ Recurring Theme:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sufferers
Who Save Themselves</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Christianity
Today</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>December 7, 1998.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>71. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn19" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref19" name="_edn19" style="mso-endnote-id: edn19;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xix]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shattuc, Jane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>The Talking Cure:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>TV Talk Shows and Women</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New York:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Routledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>1997.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>94. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div id="edn20" style="mso-element: endnote;">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=10080138#_ednref20" name="_edn20" style="mso-endnote-id: edn20;" title=""></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: SimSun; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN;">[xx]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Illouz, Eva.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><u>Oprah Winfrey and the Glamour of Misery</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New York:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Columbia University Press.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>2003.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>125-126.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-59733015140887290932016-02-29T12:13:00.000-08:002016-02-29T12:13:01.660-08:00You Want Theology? Oh, I'll GIVE You Theology.Years ago I wrote a dissertation about young adult fiction and theology. Why? I don't know. It was fun. Is it fun to read? Uh. Debatable. <br />
<br />
But should you want to read it, <a href="https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5ZnGvYQi-fgOV9FZ29NZUhWbms/view?usp=sharing" target="_blank">here it is</a>. <br />
<br />
Should you think to peruse the whole thing, you might want to consider taking up bird watching. Because apparently you have a lot of free time and it could spent learning about birds. Fascinating creatures, those little guys. Dissertations? Particularly <i>my</i> dissertation? Less fascinating. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-74301629182434985652016-02-25T19:26:00.000-08:002016-02-25T19:26:15.214-08:00Oh Man, I spent a lot of Time on ThisIn the interest of content, I have delved back into the dark recesses of Things I Wrote in Graduate School. That is to say, things I wrote in either my first or second graduate degree. In my defense, I wasn't studying <i>writing</i>. Don't blame Vermont for this. Blame the Methodists. <br />
<br />
Here is a good example of what I spent a lot of time doing back in the day. Now I just enjoy books for their own sake. It's a better life.<br />
<br />
If you get to the end, let me know. I'll owe you a cookie. And probably a drink or four.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
When asked whether the world needed
more Christian writers, C.S. Lewis replied, “No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need more writers who are Christian.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This tongue-in-cheek statement belies a
fundamental tension in the relationship between theology and literature (or
theology and much of popular culture).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lewis
points out that a work’s theological value does not necessarily stem from its
creator’s explicit intentions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
succinctly uncovers a difficult question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What makes a work theologically valuable to a Christian reader?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, in terms of popular fiction, what gives
certain books <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">more</i> overall theological
value than others?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can such
determinations even be made?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will
argue here that they can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, I will
explore the ways in which theology are communicated (whether it be
intentionally or unintentionally, explicitly or implicitly) through literature.
Secondly, I will borrow wisdom from the “secular” fields of literary analysis
or the analysis of popular culture and use them as dialogue partners in a
conversation between theology and literature to determine a work’s theological
value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope to demonstrate that
literature (especially popular fiction) is a field in which theological inquiry
is necessary and fruitful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Perhaps
the best way to start exploring theology in literature is to look at works that
make no attempt to disguise their theological intents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such books borrow figures, places, sacred
“objects,” and themes from religious traditions and use them as devices around
which new plots are formed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this way,
authors seek to either make old stories new, reframing them in ways that let
modern audiences understand their impact afresh, or they wish to add on to
where ancient texts may have “left off.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>One
such example of this use of (specifically Christian) theology in literature is
the phenomenally successful <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left Behind</i>
series.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this fourteen-book series,
authors Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye share their vision of what the Book of
Revelation would look like if it played out in the 21<sup>st</sup>
century.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would argue that there is
little doubt these sorts of books, those written by Lewis’ disparaged
“Christian writers,” mean to be explicit in their theology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what does this mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are they doing in being “theological” in
the first place?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>James Nieman gives a
useful working definition of what theology as whole seeks to do in his article <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Attending Locally: Theologies in
Congregations</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says theology
involves ultimate claims that offer support, renew traditions, sponsor
institutions and produce impact (that is, the ideas seek to bring about some
concrete change in the world).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
what Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins are trying to do through their books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They make ultimate truth claims:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>there is a God, the Bible is the inerrant
word of that God, and that when all that is prophesied therein comes to pass, and
people living today could endure the consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The books reassert the importance of the
Christian tradition, especially those parts of it that emphasize repentance and
literally following the Bible’s commands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left Behind</i> series seeks
to build upon the traditional Christian Church (a specific definition of which
would come from Tim LaHaye, as he is a minister himself) and wants to impact
people so that they become (literally) God-fearing Christians. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
There are two
other ways in which a book can make ultimate truth claims that offer support,
renew traditions and impact the world (but usually to a lesser extent, support
institutions).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Literature of this kind
communicates an author’s own theological vision through intentionally
allegorical story or a seemingly non-theological story that asks the reader to
consider questions concerned with ultimate truth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>C.S. Lewis is a prime example of an author of
this type.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many scholars argue that his<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Chronicles of Narnia</i> series was a
blatantly Christian allegory, but Lewis himself did not see the books this
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather, he wanted to write about a
world that was created perfect (as he felt all worlds were, since they were
created by the God he knew through the Christian tradition) but then fell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Narnia was not Earth, it was not meant to
“represent” Earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather, it was
another world entirely that shared the characteristic of being populated with
beings with free-will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Humans (from
Earth) ushered in the “fall” from perfection, but so too did they help restore
peace and balance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Aslan, the Savior of
Narnia, was not an allegory for Jesus per se.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Rather, Lewis wanted to create an entirely different Savior, because an
entirely different world would require such.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lewis was not trying to disguise the Christian story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather, he was trying to creatively explore
themes of the fall, sin, grace, redemption, and the question of, “Who is God?”
in a fictional world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Lewis explored
similar themes in other works like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Screwtape
Letters, Till We Have Faces, The Great Divorce</i> and his Space trilogy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lewis’ explicit intention to explore
Christian theological themes, however, is not unlike other author’s implicit
theological questions to readers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think
any writer who asks a reader to question to what is ultimate in creation, what
is true about the world, how humans should treat each other and creation, what
norms of authority shape how people live their lives, are doing something
theological in their work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One does not
have to have characters who are savior figures, devils, saints or angels to
challenge readers’ worldviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just look
at all of the books Oprah Winfrey picks for her powerful book club segments on
her show, for example.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From Maya Angelou
to Elie Wiesel, from William Faulkner to Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Oprah picks
books that she feels will change how people view themselves and the world
around them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wants literature that
will connect her loyal following with ultimate truth claims that offer support,
renew or create new traditions, sponsor institutions (in this case, ones
offered in the consumer marketplace) and offer impact (as Oprah’s “Angel
Network” motto says: “Use Your Life!”).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
It is not
difficult to demonstrate that there is (and has been) theology in popular
literature since the first scribe put stylus to tablet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would the Psalms and Gospels be, if they
were not also appealing poetry and prose?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, proving this or even
establishing the different ways in which theological themes are used in such
works is not enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must go further
to determine how a person concerned with theology’s use in written examples of
popular culture can find the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">theological
value</i> in a given work?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, should
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left Behind</i> series be equated the
same theological merit as Augustine’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confessions</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are Oprah’s book caucuses the new Councils
determining a post-Biblical canon?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who
is to say that secular society is not searching for some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">new</i> written works with which to shape its core values?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In answering these questions, it is useful to
turn to the fields of literary and cultural analysis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Bruce David Forbes
and Jeffrey H. Mahan have edited several books about religion and popular
culture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They designate four ways in
which one can view theology:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>theology <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in</i> popular culture, popular culture <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in theology</i>, popular culture <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">as</i> religion, and popular culture and
theology <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in dialogue</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can extend these categories and substitute
the word "literature" for "popular culture" here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first step in theologically analyzing a
literary work, then, is to decide into which category a work might fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would classify the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left Behind</i> series as popular culture as religion (just check out
Tim LaHaye's web site), whereas Oprah's book club is theology in popular
culture (though Oprah's sway over the masses could give LaHaye a run for his
copious amounts of money).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being able to
put a book into one of these categories is in some way proving its theological
importance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a book to be a part of
popular culture it must be, after all, popular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even if the effects are subtle, the work is nonetheless affecting real
change in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This thus falls
under Nieman's definition of what makes something "theological" in
the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Further
methodologies applied to literature by cultural analysis are diverse, but nonetheless
have common bonds useful for the discussion here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feminist literary theory, for example, would
have much to say about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left Behind</i> in
concert with theology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the main
tenants of feminist literary, especially in the work of scholars Maggie Humm
and Mary Eagleton, is demonstrating the tendency of authors to show women as
the “other,” and as dangerous extensions of untamable nature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left
Behind</i> series is quick to establish its premise that the “natural” state of
the world is fallen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe Humm and
Eagleton would argue that all of the female characters are treated as an
extension of this natural, fallen world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Women in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Left Behind </i>are cast into opposing
categories—life-giver or the barren destroyer, virgin or whore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men, on the other hand, are the complex beings
created in God’s image, using their free-will first in thought, then action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Women are captive to sin like a volcano
is—they erupt to one inevitable, unfortunate result simply because that is how
they were created.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men can think and can
therefore be sinners saviors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the analysis
the narrative, feminist literary critique would point out the flaws in painting
women in such a negative, unrealistic light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>After all, humans are rarely all demonic or saintly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this view of women is intended as <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a theological one (which it is, if we continue
to use Neiman argument that such a view tries to offer support, renew
traditions, sponsor institutions and produce impact), it is a dangerous view—theological
or secular—in relation to women (and the world!) indeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Literary criticism
does not just help point out flawed theological thinking in works of fiction,
however.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the contrary, giving a text
a “deep read,” can often uncover subtle spiritual suggestions that might have
otherwise gone unnoticed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Postmodern
literary criticism is a good example of this, especially because it tries to
challenge the distinction between high and low culture and dissect texts that
try to blend to the two. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah Winfrey’s
book club regularly features books selections ranging from Bill Cosby to Leo
Tolstoy; she practically <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> a
postmodern literary theorist by meshing these choices into once “curriculum”
for her viewers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of Oprah’s book
selections seek to explore the “loss of the real,” a term coined by theorist
Jean Baudrillard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Baudrillard shows how
modern words take signs to represent reality, distort that reality, shows that
there might not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be</i> a reality below
for the signs to represent and then show signs bear no resemblance to anything
actually “real” at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah believes
this; her show tries to empower people to make their own reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wants to demonstrate that people have
“real” spirits and there are “real” things in the world that can direct this
spirit towards good (or even God).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
postmodern literary analysis of (I would argue) <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i> or Oprah’s book club suggestions would show that Oprah picks
books authors who tell of characters who travel through Baudrillard’s four
stages, but who then reconstruct their reality as the conclusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oprah’s authors reiterate the postmodern
dictum that all reality is contextual (or that there is no “reality” per se),
but they then make the theological claim that “signs” (like the Church, for
instance) can be re-imagined to still offer support, renew traditions, sponsor
institutions and produce impact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Ultimately, it
could be argued that none of this matters; maybe a book is written just to
entertain or to tell a story that is not meant to be theological.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, an author never knows what a reader
will get from his or her book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, any
book can be critiqued from a theological standpoint (though I will admit that
not all should).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the same time, a
book can stand on its own in a reader's mind and challenge the quiet
theological assumptions of a given religious institutions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Books can bring down empires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Books can save lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I believe some writings may be the
inspired Word of God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus, the
relationship between theology and literature may remain an uneasy one, but one
with more power and potential than perhaps any other area of culture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-28461210793558019092016-02-22T04:00:00.000-08:002016-02-22T04:00:03.023-08:00Don't Just Change Your Dorm. Change Your Life.Having worked in residence life for the better part of the last twenty years, I have seen a lot of people unable to peacefully share a room. Back at one of my former institutions of higher learning, one had to fill out a "room change form" to <strike>continue dysfunctional patterns of human relations in a slightly different setting</strike> start afresh. But I say, <a href="https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B5ZnGvYQi-fgQ1ZSOHhxZ0hCVFk/view?usp=sharing" target="_blank">why stop there</a>?<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-37695073087139820962016-02-19T04:00:00.000-08:002016-02-19T04:00:06.186-08:00Servant Girl<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
I dug into the
archives from about a decade ago for this one. I started this novel and got about fifty pages into it, but then shiny objects or something must have distracted me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The story here contains snippets from my attempt at a re-telling of an incident from the Hebrew
Scriptures found in 2 Kings 5:1-14.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Naaman, commander of the Army of Aram, was a “great man in high favor
with his master because by him the Lord had given victory.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite his prestige, wealth, and natural
skill as a commander, the equalizing force of leprosy leveled him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one could help the mighty warrior with his
affliction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one, that is, until, “a
young servant girl captive from the land of Israel,” who served Naaman’s wife,
approached her mistress and told her about Elisha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Elisha was a prophet of the God of Israel,
and was rumored to hold the power of the only One who could give what Naaman
sought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually, Elisha instructed
Naaman to wash in the Jordan River; Naaman complied and was healed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the Bible, the men are described in
detail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The women, including the servant
girl, are unnamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Eliana crouched in
the grove of olive trees, waiting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
stealthily crawled from tree trunk to tree trunk, hoping the lengthening
shadows of twilight would hide her completely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She silently cursed her skirt for rustling the short, stubby grass. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Silence was key to her mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sensing her prey approaching, the lioness
pounced.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Bah!” she yelled, jumping on to her brother
Jesse’s back and pulling him to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Jesse screamed like their little sister Chedva and dropped the basket of
olives he was carrying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana rolled
onto her back and laughed until she hiccupped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Jesse picked up a handful of the scattered olives and pelted her head,
but it only made her laugh harder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even
after Jesse dragged Eliana to her feet and made her help him pick up all the
olives, she was still giggling.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Eli,
I’d be careful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brave girls marry ugly
old men,” said Jesse.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“A
girl doesn’t have to be brave to scare you.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Well,
a snake in your bed doesn’t have to be brave to scare you either.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Mother
would have your hide!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But remember—I know where you sleep.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eliana
laughed again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knew Jesse might be
good as his word when it came to snakes in one’s bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also knew that snakes rarely stayed where
you put them and if it ended up under Chedva’s blanket, Jesse would have extra
chores until he married (and possibly until he gave their parents a third
grandson).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Shhhh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop,” Jesse said suddenly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He grabbed Eliana’s arm and pulled her behind
a tree at the end of the grove.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Oh
stop it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sorry about scaring
you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana wrestled out of Jesse’s
grip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hush.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Listen.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesse’s whisper came out
thick, worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana strained her ears
against the darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On top of the
gentle evening breeze, there came a faint noise like a horn’s call.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heavy, ominous sounds reverberated off of far
off walls. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“What
is that?” Eliana asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“They’re
coming again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come, we must warn
father!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jesse dropped his basket and
held Eliana’s hand as they ran.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
The men marched by
shoulder-to-shoulder, wearing hard plates on their chest and funny hats on
their heads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli watched their feet move
simultaneously, in perfect synch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
were eight men across in a line, but when you looked at their feet, you could
see only a singular pair of legs moving in rhythm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli huddled closer to Jesse and gripped
Chedva's shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All three of them
were standing behind their mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their
father had been called away to stand with the other dads and older brothers
across the road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli strained her neck
to see, but all she could see was the snaking line of the strange men who moved
together.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Suddenly, the
soldiers stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was a break in
their formation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A man in more richly
colored clothes stood out in a line by himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"Hear me!" The man screamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"This land belongs to the king of Aram."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
"Mama,"
whispered Chedva.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Mama, where is
daddy?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
"Shhhhh,"
her mother scolded.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
"You here
have been given the honor of serving our King.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bow before his loyal servants, your protectors!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The man's voice boomed off of the soldier's bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli thought it seemed to shake the ground
itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was nervous twittering
amongst the women and children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bow?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To these men?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The ones who marched through their peaceful village?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been only a few days since the
soldiers had arrived this time, but the mood of the whole village had
changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you could only hear
animals rustling in the grass and trees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now there were distant cries and screams. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
"I said
bow!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The man's face took on a
horrible red shade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was growing
angry--Eli could tell, but she did not know why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Around her, women began to wearily sink to
the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The children followed their
mothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli remained standing as long
as she could, to see if she could see her father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortunately, he was standing right in the
break in the shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli smiled and
almost waved, but her mother pulled her down to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
"Ooph,"
Eli grunted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She glared at her mother
and rubbed her hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lifted her
head up high and again saw her papa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
was very far away, but Eli thought he had a very strange look on his face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His eyes and nose were red, and his beard
glistened like it was wet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tried to
smile at him, to let him know it was all right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"I can be strong like mama," thought Eli.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Now servants
of the King of Aram!" Boomed the man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"Some of you are so fortunate as to come back home with
us."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mama gasped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli wondered if the man would take papa to be
a soldier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was still young and good
shape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the man turned to face the
women and children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pointed to a few
of the soldiers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Pick strong
ones."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
The soldiers
strode toward the huddled, frightened group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eli's mother pushed Chedva out of sight behind her and gripped Eli and
Jesse to her sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still the soldiers
came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eliana
shivered against the darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nights
got colder here than they did at home, and Eli did not have her mother’s woven
blankets or her sister to keep her warm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She curled her legs up to her chest and gripped her knees so hard her
knuckles turned white.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing warm
about this restless place were the tears rolling down her cheeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli heard soft groans coming from others in
the small room and wondered if their dreams made them fight sleep as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli had lost track of how long it had been
since she’d been brought to this awful place up north.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thoughts of her mother’s wails, her father’s
helpless please to take him instead, her sister and brother’s stony silence
from that horrible day still tumbled through her mind nonstop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wondered if the large men with terrible
looking weapons had taken anyone else she knew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She wondered why <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">she</i> had been
the one plucked from the frightened mass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She wondered if she’d only know the hard, scary places in the world from
now on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
next day dawned with a harsh glow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli
had somehow managed to drift off into a dreamless sleep for a few hours, but
now, she hurried with the dozen other women to tidy their sleeping room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soon, they would begin their day in service
to the army.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly, the door swung
open and two men came in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The women
froze, the men’s hungry gaze turning them into statues.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“You,”
said one of the men, pointing to a young woman who looked to be several months
pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He turned and surveyed the
rest of the dirty, frightened group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli
silently whispered prayers that the men ignore her, to the God her mother
promised was always listening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if
hearing the thoughts in Eli’s head, the soldier swung and stared directly at
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the men pushed Eli and the pregnant girl
out into the blinding sun, Eli kept praying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Nehama
groaned and arched her back as her body spasmed in pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana shifted the rolled up cloths to try to
make her more comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A breeze
rustled the tent flaps and made the candles flicker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dim shadows danced all around.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Eli,"
Nehama said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli slid closer and put her
hand on her friend's forehead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Shhhhh,"
she whispered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"It will be all
right."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Just
then, Eve the midwife and two other servant women came into the tent where
Eliana was sure she was unsuccessfully trying to help Nehama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Stand
back, young one," Eve said to Eli.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"No!"
screamed Nehama, her body shaking again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eve
paused a moment but then pushed Eliana gently to the side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You can stay close," she
said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"But you must let me
work."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli nodded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She crawled on her hands and knees and took
Nehama's head on her lap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stroked
her hair and shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama looked up
into Eli's eyes and Eli tried to look much braver than she felt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife pushed on Nehama's belly and then
took her thighs into her large, thick hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eve looked up, "How long has she been like this?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Since
it was light out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Around midday she fell
to the ground because it hurt to stand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was allowed to stay with her here and someone went to find you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is dark now, so it must have been
hours."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve nodded and
frowned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli couldn't tell if this was
because of what she had said or because of something else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve turned to the other women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"It is time."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sarai
and Rebeccah, the servant women, each took one of Nehama's legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The women's faces were kind and they did not
look scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli wondered if they had
birthed children of their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
they had just helped deliver them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"Child," Eve said firmly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eli looked up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Now we
push."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama closed her eyes and
screamed as the two women leaned into her feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eli shook and tears rolled down her face involuntarily.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Child,
your screaming will wear you out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use
your breath to push out the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Breathe in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ruah</i>, breathe out
your child."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama opened her eyes
and looked at Eli.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"You
can do it," Eli said, looking down at her friend.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"I
can't," Nehama whimpered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Yes
you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i>," Eli said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You are the strongest of all of
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You carried this baby every day
through all of our work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even when your
feet were swollen you wouldn't slow down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You're a mother now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
grandmother used to say that mother's are the strongest of all God's
creatures."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama closed her eyes
and nodded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She reached her arms above
her head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli clasped them to her
chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Get
ready child," Eve said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"Remember <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ruah</i>."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli held tightly to Nehama's hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She drew in her breath and willed any
strength she had to pass through her body in Nehama's.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Our tears are our prayers, God,"
Eli prayed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Hear each
one."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This
time the women all pushed and breathed as one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nehama let out her breath and yelled in pain, but it was drawn out with
effort and control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Again,"
Eve commanded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over and over they
worked, until Eli felt light headed from the effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wondered how anyone did this, how the
human race didn't just quit multiplying from the sheer impossibility of the
task.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Finally,
what seemed like years later (but was probably more like hours), a new sound
pierced the air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A high, fragile cry
flew up to heaven, to signal its arrival onto earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve held up the shrieking creature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It looked shriveled and purple by the
candlelight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife stuck her
finger down its throat while the other two women helped deliver the
afterbirth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama, too exhausted to
scream, just propped up her head to see the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"It's a boy," said Eve,
smiling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana heart leapt at the
news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was still sitting with
Nehana's head in her lap and had long ago lost the feeling her in legs from
staying there so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it didn't
matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because Nehama had a son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Can
I hold him?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve paused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She looked at the baby a moment with a sad, complicated look on her
face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"It
would be better if you didn't, little one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You need to rest."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Please.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He's all I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He . . ."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was also too tired to cry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Please,
Eve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has the rest of the night for
sleep."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally Eve nodded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli slid forward and helped prop Nehama up a
little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve placed the bundle in
Nehama's arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama ran her finger
along the baby's soft, pink check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"He's
perfect," she whispered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her son,
who had been crying since his entrance into the world, grew quiet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama began humming a song and kept stroking
the baby's face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli leaned over her
shoulder to get a better look at him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama turned and kissed her on her cheek.
"I want to name him Josiah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
my father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a good, strong
name."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Just
then, a horn sounded outside the ten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The women were startled and the baby woke up and screamed again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve and the women who had been cleaning
Nehama and straightening up the tent, got up and went outside to see what was
going on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Voices carried on the night's
breeze, which had turned chilly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli
moved and pushed cloths under Nehama's back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She stumbled when she tried to get up, pins and needles sticking her
stiff legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She got a blanket and
covered Nehama and the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The voices
grew louder outside, angrier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But even
though she crept back over to the tent's flap, she couldn't make out what they
were saying.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Nehama
hummed Josiah back to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shifted
until she was lying down and feel asleep as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli, who could sense something was wrong
outside, remained standing. The candles flickered and went out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Soon
Eve came back in the tent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sarai and
Rebeccah stood holding the entrance open, each holding a torch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eve kneeled down and took the sleeping
Josiah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Where
are you taking him?" Eli whispered urgently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Shouldn't you tell Nehama?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"She
needs to rest," Eve whispered back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"She
can rest with him."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"No,
child."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shadows shifted outside the
tent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Move,
old woman," a man's voice said from outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"We haven't got all night."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Surely,"
another voice said, "You wouldn't want us to seek sport with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Harsh chuckles erupted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama stirred.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"What
. . ." she started to say.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Shhhhh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hush." Eve said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She left the tent with the baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Here
he is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ten fingers, ten toes."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eli
rushed to get out of the tent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sarai and
Rebeccah put there hands out to stop her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Where's
my son?" Nehama called from the ground.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Don't
worry, mouse," said the man's voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"He is going to live in a palace far grander than this.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again the laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The shadows moved away as footsteps brushed
away into the darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"What's
going on?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama asked, sitting
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Where are they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">taking my son?</i>"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With each word, Nehama's voice grew more
desperate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Please
child," Eve said firmly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"Please.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don't make a
fuss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know he's a baby of a
soldier."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"What?"
Nehama screamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"The man who did
this . . . he is no longer here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went
away with his men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He did not want to
marry me. He is no father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just . .
." her voice broke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"He . .
."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama choked as sobs came up
from deep inside her chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She put her
head in her hands and wailed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"Shhhh,"
Eve tried to soothe her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Don't let
them hear you, child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You son will have
a better life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He will live free!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is better this way."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eli
dropped to the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She curled
Nehama's body, which was still bleeding from the birth, into her arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"How can it," her own voice
quivered with tears, "be better . . . if he's . . . not here with
us?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nehama drew her breathe in
sharply and wailed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"It's
what it is, child."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Said Eve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"God sees all things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God will look after the baby."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eli
buried her face in Nehama's shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She cried with her friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
tried to pray that God look after them, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But she found she had nothing to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Master
Naaman had not been doing well for several weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone in his household knew this,
especially the servants who had to clean his sores and change his bed
dressings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was because of this a
thought had been nagging Eli for days, but she didn’t dare speak it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One morning, as she helped Nehama scrub their
mistress’s basin, she wondered aloud, “Do you think the master knows of
Elisha?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Nehama
did not stop scrubbing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No, why would
he?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His armies don’t stay in the land
long enough to chat with the people, now do they?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She chuckled.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“I
don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cooking in my village
was so good, they wanted to take brides and live with our families!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They loved our wine so much, we had to coax
them back to their king!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana and
Nehama laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Eli quickly turned
somber again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I think I should tell
them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Tell
who what?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Tell
the master—or at least the mistress, that we know someone who can cure the
sickness.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“You’d
be whipped for talking to the mistress!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And who knows what they’d do to us if Elisha didn’t help . . .” she
trailed off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She and Eli scrubbed in
silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eliana wondered what she should
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wished for the thousandth time
since she’d been brought here that she had her father’s courage, or her
mother’s strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But she didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Worse, her parents were worlds away from
helping her now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Eliana crept
slowly, quietly down the hall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Commander’s
home was a huge building, the biggest Eli had ever seen in her life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could dawdle in its nooks and crannies
forever, though she never dared before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her job was to do her work, be invisible, and get out as quickly as
possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To attract attention was to
invite unfortunate consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today,
however, was different.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
room where the commander’s wife spent most of her day lay at the end of Eli’s
trek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’d have to pass through the
carved wooden door with a curved handle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The door, that Eli had always thought was so beautiful, today loomed
large, heavy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli carried with her soft
bedclothes to deliver to the chamber.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Eli approached her feet growing heavier with ever step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stood stock still just outside it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow, with a will summoned from places
she’d never recognized until now, she lifted her arms and gently tapped several
times.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Come,”
said a voice from within.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli opened the
door, kept her head down, and set the sheets down next to the bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She lifted her eyes a fraction of an inch up
and saw that the mistress was alone, standing at the open window looking
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli heard the mistress sigh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli drew in her breath and took a step
forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mistress turned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli turned just as quickly, head down,
towards the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She put her hand on
the ornate handle and was just to push through when she stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She drew her breath in again and turned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She raised her head up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mistress was looking right at her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Forgive
me, mistress” Eli said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I know that I
will be punished for forgetting my place.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The mistress said nothing, only stared at Eli, her mouth hanging open
slightly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But I think I know someone
who can help master Naaman.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
mistress remained silently staring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli
had never gotten a good look at her before this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She noticed that the mistress wasn’t very old
herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli had just turned 13; she
doubted that the mistress was more than a few years older than that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“What?”
the mistress said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Ma’am,
please.” Eli said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Where I come from,
among my people, there are prophets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men
to whom the God of Israel speaks directly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is one, called Elisha, whom God favors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If master Naaman would go to him, Elisha
could cure him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eli
looked back down at the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had
grown used to being invisible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
didn’t know how to deal with being the center of attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Girl,”
said the mistress slowly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Do you know
that I could have you whipped for talking to me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or do anything I like to you?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yes
mistress.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“And
still you tell me this?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yes,”
Eli said weakly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She looked up, fighting
back tears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
mistress sunk onto a chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stared
out into space for a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli
waited, unable to move.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, the
mistress rose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“We’d
only been married a few months when he became ill,” she smiled sadly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But in those months I knew I could love only
him.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She walked to Eli and took her
chin in her hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And you believe your
prophet will heal my husband.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Yes
mistress.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eli inhaled the mistress’
sweet perfume.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s gentle warmth
reminded Eli of the way her grandmother smelled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wanted to stay there and breathe it in
forever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Well,
then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either you are a very brave or a
very foolish girl.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mistress let go
of Eli’s chin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let us both hope you are
the former.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The mistress opened her
chamber door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Go now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pray that your Elisha is who he say he is.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eli
bowed and followed the queen out of the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She returned to the servants tents where Nehama was waiting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Now what?” Nehama asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“I
don’t know,” said Eli.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: center;">
*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>*<o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-51736615480087374272016-02-17T04:00:00.000-08:002016-02-17T19:18:55.004-08:00Apparently Alcohol Can Make You PregnantThe Center for Disease Control has issued a helpful poster for us lady folk. <br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgipEmfQ_Ed6ROzvn04OePi3JifjLnDcFkD_5KUsRt8JyKyNcJ1ycMYNv8r-SJAyl1TC9Jb5SqkxYP8Duv0DEXjDpNHXkBRSQYvExWnCMAVDMTk84vfjrOPvOX6A-GSUZq6Qf_LBA/s1600/CDC+Drinking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="435" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgipEmfQ_Ed6ROzvn04OePi3JifjLnDcFkD_5KUsRt8JyKyNcJ1ycMYNv8r-SJAyl1TC9Jb5SqkxYP8Duv0DEXjDpNHXkBRSQYvExWnCMAVDMTk84vfjrOPvOX6A-GSUZq6Qf_LBA/s640/CDC+Drinking.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I find the groundbreaking information presented here pretty disturbing. I'm curious as to why this hasn't caused a bigger stir. <br />
<br />
I was unaware that drinking too much could cause me to become pregnant. I'm a little unclear on the mechanics, as I had always associated certain processes involving certain unrelated body systems with becoming pregnant. But <i>no</i>. Are there fetuses in alcohol now? That somehow claw their way (reverse <i>Alien</i>-like, I assume) into the uterus? How is this not on the news? But yet, drinking can also cause you to become <i>infertile</i>. I imagine that's because the baby who clawed its way in left scar tissue. Fair enough. I'll concede that point, CDC.<br />
<br />
And what about those sexually transmitted diseases of which this speaks? I'd say that companies involved in causing their products to carry live viruses should have those particular lots recalled stat. Frankly I'm even more surprised to hear viruses could survive in such an acidic environment. That is also cause for great alarm. <br />
<br />
Violence goes without saying, I suppose. If you drink, women, your soul is rendered in two (think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) causing you to run amuck in the night, returning to your senses early only in the morning when you realize you are carrying Jack Daniel's baby. <br />
<br />
Thanks, CDC. Point taken. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-67190116947438684122016-02-15T06:00:00.000-08:002016-02-15T06:00:09.651-08:00This is Just to Say<pre style="font-family: 'Poets Electra Web', 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1.26316em; margin-top: 1.26316em; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;">I have discarded
the leftovers
that were in
the fridge
and which
you were probably
saving
for eternity</pre>
<pre style="font-family: 'Poets Electra Web', 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1.26316em; margin-top: 1.26316em; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;">Forgive me
they were gross
so green
and so old</pre>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-70761778944767340792016-02-13T10:43:00.000-08:002016-02-13T10:43:05.020-08:00And Not Residence Life"One day, you’re going to be the mom calling the school.”<br />
<br />
“Ohhhhhh no. My kid is going to ‘roommate relationship camp’ all throughout her youth, and taking Saturday classes on mediation and negotiation.”<br />
<br />
“Yeah, but what if she has a crazy roommate?”<br />
<br />
“Whatever. Unless there are bodies in the closet, I’m not calling the school. Even then I’ll have to make sure they were ritually sacraficed. Then, THEN, I’ll consider it.”<br />
<br />
“I can’t believe you just said that.”<br />
<br />
“That’s because you are in Student Activities.”<br />
<br />
“Wow.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-90902902841637776212016-02-11T10:41:00.000-08:002016-02-11T13:09:51.303-08:00Is it May yet?All is not lost from Ye Olde Days of Theology Girl. I recovered some entries. My words amuse me still, which is why I'm still megalomaniacal enough to write at all. <br />
<br />
Commencement Speech<br />
<br />
“Once there was a man, walking along the shore side. A storm had washed hundreds of starfish on to the beach overnight. The man bent down, picked one up and flung it far out into the ocean. He repeated this several more times.<br />
<br />
A woman walked up beside him. “What are you doing?” She asked. “You’re throwing these things out one at a time. Surely you don’t think you’re making a difference.”<br />
<br />
The man smiled and threw another starfish into the water. “Made a difference to that one.”<br />
The woman, annoyed by the man’s smug self-satisfied little smirk, rolled her eyes. “They’re not whales, you idiot. They’re frickin’ starfish. They’re not going to dehydrate on a saturated sand bar. Just wait for the tide to come in and they’ll all go out together. Actually, you probably caused those few you self-righteously hurled into the sea to be eaten by sharks. Way to be inefficient and pernicious.” The woman walked away, shaking her head in disgust. <br />
<br />
I tell this story today, friends, in the hopes that we all realize less is more. We should not be the fool on the beach. We should always think, “Gee, maybe the starfish know what they’re doing. I should really think long and hard about whether my assistance is useful.”<br />
<br />
Motivational anecdotes are often thinly-veiled insipid self congratulation. Don’t form organizational strategy around them. Thank you and happy graduation.”<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-57716893143124198702016-02-09T09:45:00.000-08:002016-02-09T09:45:00.186-08:00UnkindnessI usually write long-form prose, mostly because I can't seem to form short-form narrative thoughts. I fret over the stakes, obstacles, and story arc of birthday cards and grocery lists these days. Everything ends up perilously long. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I decided to experiment with flash fiction for fun. This isn't that flashy--it clocks in at just under 1,000 words. I wrote it as an homage to my spiritual director who is quite the collector of avian oddities. They stare at me when I visit. This is me, staring back at them (where they can't get me). </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Unkindness </b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">At first glance, the online form was no more remarkable than any
other submission. A Ms. Ruth Speiden filled it out for her father,
Huck. Ruth had answered all of the more revealing questions in the
negative:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Does the hoarder consider himself a perfectionist? No.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Does the hoarder avoid making decisions? No.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Can the hoarder use furniture for its intended purpose? Unknown.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">What finally caught the casting director’s eye was what Ruth put
for the less interesting demographic section:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Does the hoarder share his living space? Yes. With
the dead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">A phone call to Ruth revealed that her father was a collector of
birds. Not just birds: stuffed birds, ravens in particular.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">They interviewed Ruth and her sister and a few neighbors over
the phone. Huck Speiden sounded like an open and shut case, albeit with a
hoard unlike one seen on the show before. Ruth agreed to fly up for the
show’s taping, at the network’s expense. Dr. Audry and Mr. Matt, the
psychologist and personal organizer, were on board. They’d helped
obsessed collectors before; and secretly Mr. Matt welcomed the challenge of
fashionably displaying feathers without going over the top. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Ruth introduced herself to Dr. Audry, Mr. Matt, and Miss Kaitlyn
(“the good-cop host!” she proclaimed cheerfully) in front of Huck Speiden’s
three-story connected duplex. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Ruth took a key from under the disintegrating welcome mat.
The two cameramen and one microphone guy started taping. Dr. Audry looked
straight into the lens and smiled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">The front door groaned open, wood against wood. The jam
seemed to shutter, unaccustomed to visitors breaching its threshold. Ruth
held the door open. The cameramen went in first, followed by the earnest
TV talent, all of them eager to let the healing begin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Holy shit,” whispered the first cameraman, just low enough that
it would be easy to edit in post production. Dim light filtered through a
dirty window at the top of a staircase in the front hall, but the rest of the
house was pitch black. “Hold on, we got this,” said the cameramen.
He and his partner flipped on the bright lights attached to their Sony
900’s. Dr. Audry screamed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Anyone moving two feet to the right or left off the foyer had to
travel in a single file line down narrow, musty hallways lined solely with
birds: stuffed birds, wooden birds, oil on velvet paintings of birds, bird
skeletons hanging from the ceiling. Inky wings blotted out all natural
light, save that one broken window in the stairway and that from the still-open
front door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Mr. Matt reached for the wall trying to find a light switch.
All his hand touched was a feather. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Miss Kaitlyn, undeterred, convinced the crew to move down a
suffocating passage into what she believed was the kitchen. The front
door clicked shut behind them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Dad?” Ruth called from the rear of the procession.
“You here?” A muffled sound came from ahead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">The cameras fell to the back and recorded Dr. Audry, Mr. Matt,
and Miss Kaitlyn emerging into a larger, emptier space. The camera lights
showed that this room must have been the formal living area. Ravens four
or five layers deep stared down at them from all sides of the room, mounted as
if in flight. Carved eyes stared down from above, giving everyone the feel
that they surely looked like carrion from above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“What was that?” Mr. Matt said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“What was what?” Dr. Audry said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 117.0pt; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“I heard a rustling,” said Miss Kaitlyn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 117.0pt; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Shit,” the cameraman said again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 117.0pt; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Ruth, what say you find your dad and we talk
about this on the porch?” That was Mr. Matt. No answer came.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Ruth?” Silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Well, there is a breeze coming from over here. Maybe Ruth
went to turn on a fan or something. Let’s just wait outside.” The
cameras swung their lights in the direction they’d entered from.
Exquisitely sculpted birds barred the way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“What the hell?” Said a cameraman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“It was this way,” said Miss Kaitlyn. The lights swiveled
again. But every direction revealed only further avian sepulcher. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“Oh my God, one of them just blinked.” No one knew who was
talking anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">“That one just moved its wing.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Then the screaming started. Later, it was thought to have
started with Miss Kaitlyn, but post-production never could be sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">The cameras recorded little but the chaos of a house cast into
permanent night by a collection of birds. They might have documented a
flock of ravens (an “unkindness” of ravens, the producer would later
note wryly), tearing apart a team of television reality stars. They might
also have documented mass hysteria overtaking a group when a hoarder’s
treasures gave way and caved in on them. The images later retrieved were
too grainy and dark to tell much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">When the equipment stopped moving, each camera lay on the ground
recording a moment of stillness before blinking off. The last image on
each evidenced the glint from a beady eye. But again, no one could be
sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">Ruth later claimed she had, in fact, gone to search for light
switches remembered from her youth. She called for the crew when she made
it back to the foyer, but the well-lined walls must have absorbed the sound.
Finally she called the police, and it was they who started clearing the
place. They found Huck Speiden upstairs, skeleton picked clean by birds
that must have gotten in through the stairway window. The police then
found the skeletal remains of the show’s cast and seized the cameras as
evidence, but somehow the tapes made it back to the network.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">A press release went out mourning the loss of talent (and,
incidentally, an eccentric hoarder). It goes to show, it read, that
mental illness really can affect anyone. It also noted that settlements
to the victims’ families would be generous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 20.25pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: "times new roman";">The show wouldn’t air, obviously, which the producer considered
a pity. It would have made excellent television.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-57777001191810315712016-02-06T07:00:00.000-08:002016-02-06T07:00:02.488-08:00All in a days work. God help me."They are the loudest ever.”<br />
<br />“What?!”<br />
<br />“Seriously, it’s embarrassing. You should say something to them.”<br />
<br />“Me? Why me?”<br />
<br />“Because you are a Resident Director. It’s your job.”<br />
<br />“I'm also the chaplain! Whatever. Are you sure it’s them, uh . . . you know . . . being intimate?”<br />
<br />“Yes. I heard it.”<br />
<br />“Well, see, there you go. You can’t believe everything people tell you.”<br />
<br />“No. I <i>heard</i>. <i>It.</i> The girl lives next door to me. It’s fifty shades of something going on over there.”<br />
<br />“Oh. Oh, right then. Um . . .”<br />
<br />“Yeah. It’s your problem now, doctor.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-27757910863931693962016-02-04T05:00:00.000-08:002016-02-04T05:00:31.894-08:00<div class="MsoNormal">
To begin:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m no one
important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As it is easy to see, I
barely write on my own website, let alone anywhere impressive like
<i>Newsweek</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So who am I to question
someone who does?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But yet I will, for myself, because I read an
article this week that annoyed me so much that I decided to start writing here
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt that compelled to rage
into the abyss.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the February 2, 2016, issue of <i>Newsweek</i>, there is an
article titled “Hello From the Safe Side.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In it, writer Kevin Maney argues: “Digital technology is killing great
music in favor of familiar formulas.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
fact, “technology is making sure that from now on we get a boatload of Adeles
but never again the likes of David Bowie.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really now?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The author quotes a fellow named Andy Gershon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Adele is selling a huge amount to soccer
moms, but is it having an impact on the culture?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not really . . . artists like David Bowie
can’t get the momentum to have a career live David Bowie.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I take issue with the “soccer mom” crap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several mothers I know—ones who drive
minivans, shuttle their children to after-school activities, bake delicious
vegan, gluten-free, nut-free, sugar-free, dairy-free cookies from scratch—like
Bowie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They like him without irony and
without remorse for their childfree days and without apology to the men who
apparently think they own Bowie.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet I know other mothers (those similarly inclined to watch
tiny, horrible athletes because they love them) who like Adele.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or probably Josh Groban (my particular brand
of kryptonite).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That Gershon chap, and
maybe Maney by extension, insults both Adele and her fans by implying that both
are somehow less because of who they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Adele is less because soccer moms . . . or lets just say it—women . . .
like her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Women are less because
obviously their tastes are so unsophisticated that they are easily duped into
buying the same thing over and over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thus, Gershon says, there will never be another Bowie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because the stupid sheep out in the pasture want
the sanguine, the bland, the commercial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Streaming music offers all this and more to us sheep, so you can bet
your mom jeans that all those edgy boys making the real music won’t see the
light of day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The culture will suffer
because boundary-pushing acts won’t rise above the fray.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because Adele.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The proliferation of instantly
available content in many of the arts makes it difficult for anyone to have a
huge, culture-shaping career other than a chosen few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But hasn’t this long been the case?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact is that no one can be like Bowie
because he was one of a kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean,
the man pulled off <i>Labyrinth</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Has anyone
else pulled off <i>Labyrinth</i>? Could they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s neither Adele nor streaming
music’s fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s because people like David Bowie just don’t come around that often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What the argument in this article turns out to be, then, is
that real music (the music these men like) is too edgy to rise to prominence
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too ahead of its time. Too
complicated and rich and cool and mind-bending that your mom just can’t
understand <strike>you</strike> it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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sings from her heart and people like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s obviously because girls and women are dumb and just don’t get
Bowie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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rich are Adele and Taylor Swift?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then
he isn't in it for real, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now
is the time where there is even more chance for artists to get discovered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make money and have the platform like David
Bowie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s not technology’s fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There just isn’t that many people who do
that, ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Gentlemen of the <i>Newsweek</i> article, feel free to join all the
generations past who complain that these kids today don’t get your sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just please leave the moms out of it next
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-21778515843123638002016-02-02T15:00:00.000-08:002016-02-02T15:06:23.777-08:00Let's Try This Again<div class="MsoNormal">
Theologygirl.com.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have paid its rent for over a decade, and ignored it for most of that
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was most prolific when I was<strike>
avoiding</strike> <strike>procrastinating</strike> taking a break from doing my dissertation and in
denial about training for a marathon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
thus makes sense to clean the cobwebs off the ol’ URL now that I am once again
in graduate school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need something to
help <strike>avoid</strike> <strike>procrastinate</strike> take a break from my current studies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My current studies in writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am writing to avoid other writing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Do I contradict
myself?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Very well then I
contradict myself,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">(I am large, I
contain multitudes.)</span> <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s a helpful web safety tip from me to you:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not true that something on the Internet
stays on the Internet forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do
not, say, pay for your webhosting long enough and you leave your site to go fallow,
it might go away forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Oh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waybackmachine,” you may say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those screenshots only do so much, and the
rest is lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a plan to bring back
some of the greatest hits from the old site, but alas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is not to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So if you want something you’ve posted to go
away, try <i>really</i> wanting it to be there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The Internet might swallow it as a sacrifice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Here’s to a new year of writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nice to see you again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-74147295297644950552014-02-23T10:54:00.000-08:002014-02-23T10:54:49.971-08:00Award Winning<div style="text-align: center;">
See me gush over beautiful books<a href="http://library.wheelock.edu/blog/2014/02/and-the-award-goes-to/" target="_blank"> here</a>!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10080138.post-6245534397485731822014-01-28T10:42:00.001-08:002014-01-28T10:42:16.496-08:00Overthinking Children's Television. Again.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do children’s shows nowadays take place mostly in horrible,
post-apocalyptic worlds?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not a new
trend, but one that is growing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I first noticed this when my daughter took an interest in
old Teletubbie videos on YouTube.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Tubbies lead a seemingly idyllic existence, but something sinister lurks
beneath the surface like so many Thomas Kinkade paintings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Teletubbies live in an underground bunker, perhaps to
hide from the feral rabbits, the manic baby sun overlord, or ambient
radiation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is difficult to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At some point they fused with technology to become
cyborg beings who subsist solely off of toast and custard (likely produced from
their recycled comrades).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their only
companions in this life are each other, their vacuum cleaner, and a disembodied
voice who orders them around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that
supposed to be the baby overlord?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or perhaps
just His messenger?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But at least the Teletubbies have the decency to remain
surreal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My real beef is with the train
shows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Thomas the Tank Engine and in
Chuggington, the trains have somehow reached sentience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, with their rise in consciousness,
humans’ capacity for logical reasoning has proportionately diminished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The humans are still present and, it seems,
in charge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they are constantly
making asinine assumptions and decisions, which lead the child-like trains to
make so many preventable mistakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
supposed to suspend my belief for this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You know what, I would <i>Chugginton</i>, but if the humans would listen to the
trains for a second, all of this could be avoided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not teaching lessons of moral decency
to children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is teaching them adults
are morons.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although, if that’s what the plot is going for, never
mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bravo.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s saddest about the whole affair is that Thomas and his
train friends (as with the Chuggington crew) is that they just want to be
useful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thomas just wants to be <i>a very useful
engine</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there’s beautiful theology
in that, I think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thomas is created as a
train to serve a purpose only he can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
wants to live out this purpose to the best of his ability in order to serve
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he screws up, he is not
being useful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be useful is to be holy
to these trains.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then the useless
humans are incapable of being holy themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I revisit the post-apocalyptic scenario in this case as
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps the humans are too
traumatized and injured to control the evolved technology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soon, the machines will realize that they are
now the superior species and rise up against their masters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A new world order will begin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it will start with the trains.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I just thought up a pilot to a new children’s
show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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