Therapista

"God's Will be Done"- A Prayer that Takes True Faith.

2016-06-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

One of the tenets of the Christian faith is that God Almighty has a plan for our lives, a plan that surpasses all our expectations and earthly ideas of good. His plan is better is than our plan, we claim to believe.

The challenge with this belief, however, is that “His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.” So God allows us to have experiences that may make no sense in our line of thinking. God may allow a person to be tortured, raped, murdered, or experience chronic and devastating loss, and still claim that “all things work together for good for those who love Him and called according to His purpose.” God allows some to be greatly blessed in this life in a material way, while others (who He loves equally) rely daily on Him for bread and basic survival. Some are allowed to have large, healthy families, while others suffer due to infertility or the deaths of their children. Some live in peace throughout their lives, while others are constantly under the threat of war. But God makes the outrageous claim that His love is greater than “tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword.”

Our faith in God calls us to believe past our circumstances, good or bad, and see the perfect love of the heart of God, the perfect love that “casts out all fear.” Our faith calls us to believe that one day, there will be “a new heaven and a new earth” and that all tears and sadness and death will be done, and what will be left for the faithful will be a heavenly inheritance in Jesus, causing us to be equal heirs with him in God’s mighty blessings of love into eternity. This won’t happen through our goodness, but His. Jesus will replace our frailty and mortality with eternal life everlasting. Bad will disappear, and only goodness, joy, and light will remain.

To the skeptical nonbeliever, this kind of faith seems like a worthless endeavor. After all, if access to the almighty god of the universe doesn’t guarantee safety in this life, then what is the point? If you can look up to the heavens and beg and cry out for things from god, and he, still claiming to love you, can answer, “no,” then what kind of god can you really be serving?

Indeed, if God was not real, we would truly be fools among men. We would be sheep to the slaughter, because our beliefs would lead us continually into ruin. The heroes of our faith died, empty-handed, at the hands of the very people to whom they were trying to reach out.

If God was not real, Christianity would have died out with its martyrs. We would be a footnote in history, because no one would have followed these ridiculous leaders for long.

Instead, something else happened entirely. Something miraculous. For every martyr killed, the people around them started believing. Instead of despair, the sufferers experienced joy, hope, and an increase, not a decrease, in faith. Strangely enough, the message of Jesus Christ flourishes, not reduces, in times of persecution. When governments try to squelch it, it goes underground and grows there. It cannot be killed, and when antichrists try, their very efforts to reduce it are what help it grow the strongest. The martyr’s give us increased faith and hope in our heavenly inheritance, “where moth and rust cannot destroy.”

It is no coincidence that God so often uses the vehicle of death and destruction to drive home His message. After all, Jesus’s death was what allowed his resurrection. The cross should have been the end of the story. Instead, it was just the beginning of his heavenly reign. So we too grow closest to Him and gain His power to influence the world when we also suffer to the point of death. We, too, like Christians before us, sing “Where, o death, is your victory? Where, o death, is your sting?”

It confounds conventional logic. In our story, we start off dead in our sin and end up alive in Christ! We are oppo-zombies!

So what is the point of my ramblings today about the mysteries of God’s goodness and love, and how He uses death and destruction to create live and healing in this sort of unconventional reverse ordering of the universe?

Well, I suppose these truths are on my mind because recently, I found out I am facing a crossroads in my career. It was not a crossroads I chose, it is something that is happening to me. If you have read through my blog, you will see that in the past, I had some very profound and painful professional experiences. I went through a lot of turmoil and soul searching, and had to grow up quite a bit regarding what I expected from the industry I’m in and from myself. I prayed through a difficult, 5 year season and God’s answer to me (which did not feel very loving!) during that season was “I will move you when I move you, and no sooner.” At the end of the 5 year season, I made some professional changes that greatly increased the quality of my life. Opportunities came my way that allowed us (my family and I) to prosper. I looked no further than when I was, because I was happy and my situation met all my expectations. God finally gave me a place to settle in and get comfortable.

And now, after two years, God is taking it away. It’s happening fast and definitively. I have new opportunities on the horizon, but it has been challenging for me to muster up any energy for them. I am having trouble letting go of the good that God put in my life. In my mind’s eye, I see the life I lead, a bright, colorful ball, sitting in my hand- I want to squeeze it tight, but I feel it changing form and dissolving and lifting up out of my grasp. I can’t have it back, no matter what. It’s slipping away.

So, I am faced with a choice. I can cling to that dissolving ball and try to clutch at it and hold onto it and look back at it and even be frustrated and angry at God for taking it away and go inward. Or, I can relax, open my hand, let it slip out completely, and keep my hand open for the new life he wants to place in it. This requires believing that what God has next for me is even better. I am letting go of the good to embrace the great. I am walking in faith that no matter what shape the next season of my life takes, it’s the best shape it can be. It’s the best life I could lead, because it’s the one given to me by God.

The cry of my heart must be, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

And by God’s grace, this will be my prayer. For “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it,” and “no temptation has seized you except what it common to man.” My tiny trial and uncertainty of the future is simply a tiny fleck of sand washing up on the shores of heaven. In this I take great comfort.

“Oh, Father, who is in heaven, hallowed by your name. Your kingdom come, you will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”

Un-Regretting!

2014-06-17T23:01:00.003-07:00

Hello, all! Its been a long time. Since we talked last, I've switched jobs, and that has changed my life in a million wonderful ways. My new environment is fun, interesting, and has about a 70% less stress than the last one. I meet standards easily and have been given many opportunities to give input and help make needed policy changes.

I'm calling this post "Un-regretting!" because for a long time there I suspected I had made some serious life mistakes. This was based on the evidence that I was, well, miserable for a large portion of every day and didn't even have a lot of money to show for it. I was desperately trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. When I didn't feel tired, I felt angry. When the anger ran out, I cried. After 7 years in school, this seemed unfair. Why had I worked so hard and so long just so I could be miserable? I worked late evenings, early mornings, and weekends, and still we struggled financially. And most of all, I struggled emotionally. I'm a dramatic person; I feel everything deeply, and I found that the coping mechanisms I had in place just weren't cutting it to handle the day to day stress under which I found myself. This was all very embarrassing, of course. I felt like a fraud, a failure. After all, it was just a job, just a career, nothing very important. My family was intact, my marriage was good, I was safe and could pay the bills, even if it was very close some months. So what did I have to complain about? But there it was, the burden, defying my rationalizations.

I even began praying that if this was going to be my lot in life that I could just disassociate- just stop having feelings, stop being affected, and wake up after retirement. I asked God to turn me into a working automaton. I knew even before I prayed it that He would never grant such a damaging request.

But I could write a long time on the sorts of thought processes I went through during that stage of my life. I analyzed it from every possible angle, and no matter what I did, I could never be really comfortable or satisfied with where I was- even on the best days, I was afraid, tired, stressed- and angry.

Fast forward. As I've written before, after returning from maternity leave I found I had learned better how to deal with many of the stressors that I experienced at work, and that I had a renewed passion for the work. I still felt poured out daily, but there were projects that I was excited about, and I was finding that my coworkers were listening to my ideas more often and coming to me for support.

Then I received the opportunity that put me into a different workplace back in February. I feel like a person carrying a giant burden who suddenly has that burden removed- I still find myself stooping to carry it, even though its not there- a sort of a phantom burden! But more and more I am standing up straight and looking around me and feeling like after half a decade my life is back.

Turns out, I didn't make any major life mistakes- it just took a longer time to see returns than I was expecting. This year, we finally paid off our credit card debt (Woo-hoo!), and we are even planning a little family vacation this fall. We own our own home, are in the process of paying off our vehicles, and this month I even had enough money to purchase some new shoes for work. For 30 years old, I think being this far along is pretty good! I now really enjoy my career and I'm excited about advancing in it. Our biggest hurdle left is student loan debt, which we've made small dent in, but its a small dent in a very large mountain.

The neatest thing about having some of these "big" things taken care of is that maybe I can begin taking care of some of the little things I've had to neglect over the years. I've recently renewed my interest in my garden- nothing fancy, just some lavender plants, a peach tree, some cacti, and a few bulb plants, all in pots because we still haven't gotten around to landscaping. I have to leave something to do in my 30's, right? I just purchased makeup again for the first time in several years and I'm actually trying to wear it; and through some miracle, my kitchen is finally clean more often than not and I'm cooking meals from home most nights. Now I'm hoping that I may be able to focus on physical health- like scheduling a dentist appointment (Blurgh!) and exercising consistently, giving blood, and spending time with friends.

So, I officially un-regret the work I had to do to get started. Its really starting to pay off, and I'm grateful to God for allowing me to succeed. Lots of people work hard without being successful; God has not only allowed me to plant my garden, but He's making it grow:).

Overeducated and Underqualified: Generations X & Y

2013-09-03T22:01:00.001-07:00

I understand that I am technically considered a part of generation X- I rode their coat tails into this life, and while I dislike most of what they stand for, I identify with them a lot more than I do with the Y-Generation. For my generation, we bought the idea that college and education were the keys to living a wealthy and prosperous life. And then 2008 happened. Suddenly hordes of well educated college graduates had no ability to pay off their burdensome student loans because guess what? No one wanted to give jobs to people with Bachelors of Arts in the Humanities. Suddenly, we had a generation with diplomas who were unhireable- too indebted to be able to afford to work at minimum wage, but unable to do much else.

I was thinking about this today because a coworker of mine was discussing how many students today seek degrees, not educations. Can we blame them, I wonder, given that "education" in and off itself doesn't put much on the table anymore? I was blessed enough to have gone into something practical enough that my Master's Degree allowed me to work in a trade, but not blessed enough to have picked something that diversified. Because now it would take an act of God to get me into anything else. I'm too well paid to go back into entry level work, but not paid well enough to move to a nice side of town or for my husband and I to be able to make our monthly student loan payments comfortably.

So, like so many from my generation, we are busy finding out how to live in post-recession America. We got rid of everything extra to make it through the hard times, and now we are still in debt but there's nothing else to minimize or downsize- there's nowhere else to cut before cutting the amenities that make our lives run- like vehicles, the mortgage that's cheaper than rent, and an ever increasing PG&E bill.

In my daily Bible reading, I've been re-reading Ecclesiastes. For those of you who have never read this slender, obscure book of the Old Testament, its a philosophical book that is credited to King Solomon, the wisest man to ever live. In this book, he tells of his journey seeking the meaning of life- he seeks after education, pleasure, meaningful work, amassing wealth, you name it, he tried it. Throughout the book, he continues to state that all the things people seek after are as meaningless as trying to catch the wind. His rather fatalistic conclusion is that the best you can do from an earthly perspective is to hope that God will bless you with enjoying the works of your hands so you don't have to think too overly much about the tragedies of life. He also ends his book urging you to seek God in your youth, and not wait to find out about Him until you are old and life has lost its luster.

So what is the point of my rambling? I guess I want to remind myself, and my generation, that no matter the circumstances, or how much is in the bank account, or how much education you managed to get, the only real question at the end of it all is, "Did you find God?" Pre or Post Recession, no other question really matters. That's not to absolve me of my responsibility to be a good citizen, pay off my debts, and contribute to the world I live in- rather, its the reason I will follow through on that responsibility- because God is with me, there in the details of my daily life. Have you found Him yet?

Perspectives from a Show Dog

2013-08-23T08:54:00.001-07:00

I was reading through some old prayers of mine this Sunday in the back of the Bible I used during my Master's program. I was struck by the differences in my perspective now, 10 years later. At that time, I felt a lot of guilt over the ease of my life. I had been well protected, nurtured. Bad things only happened to other people, and I felt some survivor's guilt. "Why me?" I wondered. Why did I have so much when others had so little? I questioned what God's purpose was and compared myself to a show dog- all fluff and frills, but very little function. My prayers at the time reflected an urgency to feel used by God to make a difference, and fear that my life might not have any impact at all.

Then I got married, and started my very stressful and confusing job. Suddenly, I didn't have the time or abundance anymore to ask why I was so blessed. I stopped feeling blessed at all, frankly. I was feeling so much inner turmoil that my prayers became a "Why me?" of an entirely different sort. I thought many times about the trite phrase "getting out of your comfort zone" and wondered if someone in this zone could tell me how to find it so I could climb back in! There were many, many shocks to my system. For a while, everyday was a significant struggle to get through. I discovered that most of the blessings I felt guilty about didn't actually belong to me- they had been on loan through my gracious and generous family. Now that we were on our own, everything came pretty hard. Trying to budget our money, keep our home in order, succeed in a challenging work environment, and live and work in a totally different area of town with a whole set of new disturbing experiences proved to be a lot a lot to handle. Important deadlines and responsible choices started falling through the cracks, and I felt high levels of shame for not having it "together" anymore. I lived in a state of disillusionment of the self for a long while.

Through this time, my relationship with God went in new and strange directions. He stayed faithful, and I found myself confronted with the hard truth that I had a lot of expectations about what He was supposed to do for me. I found out I had unconsciously contracted with Him, believing that if I followed the rules, He would always keep me comfortable and safe. I hadn't realized that I had bought so much into a prosperity gospel message in my heart. Because as soon as things stayed uncomfortable and stressful, I began to push against Him, trying to figure out what buttons to push to get Him to respond the way I wanted Him to respond. Nevermind that there was a recession and jobs were hard to come by but bills were not- I expected Him to keep finding special circumstances for me to thrive while everyone else struggled. And when He didn't, even though He could have, I got angry. The show dog was throwing tantrums because she stopped getting treats. And when I got angry, I got scared, ashamed, and uncertain. Whole areas of my life stopped making any kind of sense! For a while, I even prayed he would take away all my feelings- I was willing to be an obedient robot, as long as I could stop feeling so distressed. I praise Him, of course, for denying these desperate prayers.

At the end of that season, I wish I could say that I learned a lot and became a better person. I did learn a lot, but I don't think I got any better. I got used to some things, and I think I got a lot humbler. I also gained a lot more empathy for people who live on the ugly side of the tracks. Because I'm one of those people now. I acclimated to the shock of the culture that I am now a part of, and the season passed away in its own time. I have learned that a lot my angry feelings are a result of fears of my own inadequacy, that I will mess everything up for myself and it will all be my fault. Knowing what I am afraid of doesn't take the fear away, but it does give me the ability to refute it and the power to make different choices.

During this season of my life, I found that all the things that just seemed like abundant and lavish blessings were actually vital to our survival. My ability to get through school quickly the first time around and get a well-paying job, for instance, ended up being the cornerstone of our financial solvency. God answered my prayers and showed me that there was a purpose and a reason in all my blessings, the same way there would be a purpose and a reason in all my struggles. He has also used me to make a big difference in the lives of my clients, my coworkers, and my church family, so I don't feel so self-serving and useless anymore.

Now, somedays, I feel more like a show dog again. I've begun to finally make sense of my professional environment, and I have days where I really enjoy what I do. I have loved motherhood immensely and my daughter is my joy. My circumstances haven't changed overly (despite all the countless hours of energy I've put into trying to change them), but I'm learning how to make the circumstances I'm in more comfortable.

Now that we are coming back into a season of change, I have a whole new set of fears to bring before God. They are actually many of the same fears, repackaged. I'm still afraid I'll mess everything up and lead my family into ruin. But I'm no longer afraid of making a difference, or that God is going away when His blessings seem to, or that He has no function for me in His plan. This show dog is a working dog after all.

Saying Goodbye- It hurts!

2012-12-06T16:31:00.004-08:00

So after 4 years of working full-time, I'm about to go on Maternity leave! Yay! Just a few more days, and I have about 5 months off to have, and bond with, my new baby girl. I have been looking forward to a change of pace for a long, long time and I'm actually giddy with excitement! I am one tired cookie, and the idea of getting to spend Christmastime with my family is pretty much the best Christmas gift I could ever have.

But, as with all life events, I cannot be purely excited to be off and away, even though its what I've wanted for so long. Because my heart was stolen by my clients, kids who are incredibly dear to me. Kids who matter to me. Kids who I worry about as they make this transition to work with someone else. I hope they will be okay. I pray they will be okay. And I am going to miss them. So I wrote a little bit of poetry to capture the pathos of this week- the week I've started to say goodbye, at least for the next 5 months.

I didn’t expect to miss you,

I didn’t expect to care,

I didn’t expect to feel pain in my heart when I told you I wouldn’t be there.

I didn’t expect the pain in your eyes

The panicked stare,

Or the awkward goodbyes-

I didn’t expect to wish I could stay to find out what happened next,

Or that I would worry so much about if you were going to be okay,

Or want to hug you in my arms and take you home with me- to keep both you and my baby…

I didn’t expect to feel so guilty for leaving you,

To be another ring in your chain of losses

- You deserve a better person than me, more consistent, more compassionate, willing to stick it out…

I tell myself you’ll be okay, I’m leaving you in good hands-

I tell myself I’ll forget to miss you soon and you’ll forget me, too-

But I never expected it to hurt so bad to say farewell, that you’d fear it so

And I never expected that I would fear it, too.

So many hours of frustration covered up the love that was growing for you.

Now the frustration’s gone, I’m at the finish line, and realize I’m not ready to stop running this race- but its too late.

I didn’t expect to miss you,

I didn’t expect to care,

I didn’t expect to feel pain in my heart when I told you I wouldn’t be there.

Hazards of My Morning Commute

2012-11-29T08:22:00.001-08:00

Oh crossing guards, I respect your job; I just wish you didn’t do it in front of me.

Oh road workers, when will you return to patch up the “repairs” you started months ago?

Oh children, didn’t you see the crossing guard up there- there to keep you from jaywalking around my metal machine of death?

Oh puppies-get out of the road, you stupid puppies! Do you have some sort of death wish?

Patsy

2012-11-15T15:05:00.002-08:00

True friends are rare, valuable, and irreplaceable. I know because I lost one this September.

Patsy was 73 when she passed away of a sudden heart attack in the hospital on Monday, September 10th. I had just visited her in the hospital the Saturday before, when she was talkative, energetic, and didn't seem at all ready to die. The doctors weren't sure what was wrong, and she'd been in the hospital for kidney problems several times before. Last year when I visited her in the same hospital, she looked so pale and tired I'd thought I was going to lose her then. I knew she was hurting, and she told me she didn't know why God still had her on this earth. But she had recovered, slowly, and seemed to be feeling better until her most recent hospitalization.

Patsy had lived in chronic pain for years, with a variety of different medical problems that kept her from doing a lot of her favorite things. Her pain sometimes made her seem older than her years, because she hurt so much. Patsy was beautiful, stylish, and an unabashed feminist. She had intense blue eyes and beautiful shiny hair, which had turned completely white in her 30's.

Patsy had lived a difficult life. She fled her first marriage as a younger woman to escape her husband's abuses, only to spend the next decade fighting to get her sons back after he took them away from her. I never got all the details on these events, but she often spoke about what it felt like to be so demeaned for so many years. Her experiences made her a compassionate advocate for women.

Patsy was a giver. Part of her sickness in her later years meant she couldn't have any kinds of tight clothes on her body, and that she was constantly cold, and couldn't eat most of her favorite foods. But Patsy loved to shop, and she bought very nice clothes. The way Patsy dealt with not being able to enjoy the things she used to love, such as clothes and her favorite foods, was not by becoming bitter or angry- instead, she gave these things away to other people. She gave away her clothes, bought treats to watch other people eat them, and gave small checks to family and friends for a variety of different things she would find out they wanted or needed.

I don't really know why Patsy picked me out for her love. She was a member of our church and from the time my husband began as the youth minister there, she started loving me. I could tell by the way she hugged me and talked to me that she was being more than polite. She told me later that she "loved me as soon as she met me."

After being at the church for about a year, I was going through a lot at work and I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. I desperately prayed for help, and Wanza, one of the other older women in our church, spontaneously invited me to join a new Bible study they were starting up on Tuesday nights. I think they must have been a little surprised that I took them up on it, as the other youngest woman there was in her 60's. But I needed help, and as I have so often found, women of grand-mothering age are some of the most supportive people around. A person can never have enough grandmothers. So I began attending the Bible Study, which lasted for the next two years. Patsy was one of the women in the study, and that's where I really got to know her. I loved her vim and vigor. I loved how she dressed so stylishly and always had her clothes perfectly coordinated. I loved how her eyes sparkled and how she told stories. I just loved everything about her. And she loved me.

Patsy ministered to me personally in dozens of different ways. I wasn't the only one she showered with love, but I got a very liberal dose. She prayed for me consistently and purposefully. She literally gave me bags and bags and bags of clothes, purses, and shoes that had only been worn once or not at all. She told me to pick what I liked, and give the rest away. She slipped me cash sometimes “for whatever you might need” and gave me lots of hugs.

But most meaningful of all, she really cared what happened in my life. Having been a career woman for most of her life, I think she felt like she could relate to a lot of the struggles I was going through. I could say all sorts of shocking things to her and she never judged me for them, because she had some shocking things to say, too. She seemed to see in me how she would have liked to have been in her 20’s, if she had been raised differently and been given more opportunities. Every time I succeeded, she seemed to feel like she succeeded, too, and whenever I struggled, she acted just as concerned as if it was happening to her.

One Sunday at church in the beginning of May, I felt overwhelmed, fatigued, helpless, and sad. I excused myself to gain my composure in the restroom during the sermon, and ended up crying silently in a corner of the church library. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and I couldn't stop sobbing. I prayed for some help. A few minutes later (I had been out of service for at least 15 minutes by this time); I heard Patsy's voice calling my name from the foyer. She had seen me leave the sanctuary and had gotten concerned when I hadn't come back. I came out of the library, and she sat with me on the steps while I cried. I kept telling her, "I don't really know why I'm crying, “and she just nodded and put her arm around me and sat with me while I struggled to explain the deep wells of emotion I was feeling. She prayed with me, and hugged me tight, until I began to calm down. She asked me if I was pregnant, and I said that I didn't think so, but I just couldn't seem to stop feeling tired and sick. When I got my positive pregnancy results back a week later, she was one of the first people I wanted to tell.

This summer, before we took the youth to New Mexico for a week for camp, she donated money to get all of them matching sweatshirts. They still wear their sweatshirts proudly- one of the boys wore his for weeks in a row, even though it was the middle of summer. She said she had the idea in a dream, and she wanted to see it fulfilled. That was no more than two months before she died.

When she went back into the hospital in September, I almost forgot to visit her. I praise God for reminding me. My husband was out of town and I was at an all day training that Saturday. I was planning on going home and then go to the gym to go swimming. As I was driving toward my freeway exit, I saw the exit to the Heart Hospital where Patsy was staying. Patsy! I meant to visit her. So I got off at the next exit instead and went and spent about an hour with her. Even though she was the one in the hospital, all she wanted to talk about was my new baby and how excited she was for my husband and I. She told me she was praying for me and so happy for me. On my way out, I hesitated and thought, I need to pray with her. So I turned and prayed a short prayer with her, asking God to heal her body and help the doctors figure out what was wrong so she could feel better. Then we hugged, told each other that we loved each other, and I left.I never expected that that goodbye would be our last.

I was pretty stunned when I got the email the following Monday from the church that she had died. She seemed so upbeat and energetic when I'd seen her Saturday. Her husband's family asked me to sing a song at her memorial service. That was the hardest solo I've ever done. I sang Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn, and as I looked over at her casket, and I knew that was the last time I'd see her for a long, long time. I began crying and my voice began to crack as I sang the last stanza:

"And with your final heartbeat

Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!"

Although that was my last gift to her, it wasn't the end of her generosity to me. Her husband asked me if I'd be willing to go through her clothes and take what I wanted, because he knew she would have wanted me to have first pick. I've never gone through a dead friend's closet before. I bagged up everything into two piles- One pile of things I thought would work for myself or my twin sister, and another to take to the church's clothing ministry. I gave some of her pairs of shoes to a co-worker who wore her size.I gave some of her purses to other family members who I thought would like them, which they did. I gave some of her purses to other family members who I thought would like them, which they did. I didn't find a single well-worn item in her closet, nothing seemed to have been worn more than once or twice.This confirmed the suspicion I had that she gave things away almost as soon as she bought them.

That was in September. Then we got a call just this last week from her son, who said there were a few large household items she had left behind that he thought she would have wanted us to have. I started crying when I realized I was still receiving gifts from my friend two months after her death. We'll look through the items, keep what we need, and then find another family that can use the rest.

What did I learn from my friend? I learned a lot about kindness. I still don't know how she managed to take care of so many people at once! I found out at her funeral that there was a young woman from our church who had moved away that she had written letters to weekly for years. I also know from first hand experience that she took the time to get to know the names of lives of each of the youth in our youth group, whether they knew her or not. The youth also have no idea how many monetary donations Patsy made for them to be able to go to camp and other events every year. The first time I'd visited her in the hospital, the year before she died, she pressed me into service for one of our girls who was about to go into the hospital herself. She gave me an envelope with money in it, asking me to make sure the girl got it so she could get herself a stuffed animal to take to the hospital with her to hold when she was scared. She prayed compassionately for each of our youth, especially the girls, and was a listening ear to many of the women in our church.

Patsy also taught me about love. Patsy was not perfect. She had a lifetime of choices behind her, some she would make again, and others that I know she deeply regretted. She carried around the pain of her past with her, and in many ways it hurt her more than the physical pain she experienced every day. But she loved people, and she loved God. She taught me that people don't need to be around people who are perfect, we need to be around people who are loving. She taught me that a little compassion and kindness can reach out and extend to the most unexpected places.

I'm not like my friend Patsy. I'm not overly generous or thoughtful toward others- I've always been much better at receiving gifts than at giving them. I have prayed to be able to have some of her generosity and kindness to be able to share. I don't think I'll ever be as good at caring for people as Patsy was, but I hope to be able to a little. If I am given a tenth of her compassion and generosity, I will consider myself blessed.

I miss you, Patsy. You were an amazing friend to me. I'm so glad I got to know you. Thank you for considering me worthy of your love. I wish you could have seen my baby girl when she's born, but at least you got to know about her before you died. I look forward to seeing you again, and I hope I live my life in a way you would be proud of. I will try to fill in the gap you have left, but I'll never be able to fill your shoes. I love you, my friend. I'm so glad you aren't hurting anymore.

A Long Time Without Speaking

2012-10-19T10:20:00.004-07:00

Hello, Blogosphere. It's me again. I haven't written since this summer. Mainly because I got pregnant this spring and didn't want to tell anyone (congratulations to us!) at first, and its taken up all my thoughts and energy since. I'm due in January, so the secret has been out a while, I just couldn't figure out how to segue back into this blog. So, just consider yourself segued. Because I am trying to resurrect this little blog now. Why? Because I have STUFF TO SAY.

Pregnancy does funny things to women. For me, its sort of scraped off this glossy coating of politeness that kept me from sharing my opinions about things in real life. Suddenly I have been voicing what I actually think at work with my colleagues, and even- gasp- on the internet. A dangerous activity, I know. Especially because not everyone agrees with me on life basics, and not everyone can handle honesty when it doesn't tow the line. I actually participated in an argument on Facebook. I also got someone mad at me on a blog post. So far at work they are putting up with me (amazingly) even though I've started saying what I think. I'm breaking lots and lots of social rules.

The funny thing about this is, a part of me is relieved and thinks its about time I started telling people what I really think about stuff, even if it means conflict. I feel like a middle-aged man in that sense, who is tired of being PC and ready to just say what he wants and thinks without always saying it nicely.

I know this new found boldness scares my mom, who always taught us to be polite and tactful, and I'm not actually trying to make waves on purpose. But it struck me that politeness and tact, while helpful with newcomers to my life, serves an additional purpose of protecting me from ever really making real connections. People I see every day don't know who I am or what I think- and if they can't handle those things, then maybe we weren't really friends to begin with. Just acquaintances who share space. I want real connections with real people- and that's going to mean opening myself up for the possibility of criticism and judgement. Which hurts. But how is walking through life a stranger to my neighbors any better?

So here is a little poem I wrote about all that.

Do you really like me?

Or do you like my skills?

The way I smile and appear polite?

The way I gloss over my opinions and tell you what you want to hear?

Because now that I am opening my mouth,

I have suddenly become controversial, dangerous,

- even rude-

- even petty-

- even alien-

Which causes me to wonder whether you really liked me in the first place,

Or if you just liked how easy I was to be around.

Summer 2012

2012-06-01T11:43:00.002-07:00

This blog started out as a simple summer update, but became a rambling, stream of consciousness style piece about where I am right now spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. So, if you just want the summer update, just read the first paragraph and ignore the rest!

There is a LOT going on right now. Like, muchas much! I am going to be preparing for taking on a few clients at a local Christian counseling center in the evenings (with all my free time, you know), and preparing for teaching my first GRADUATE level course in September, while holding down my full time job, and having college age summer missionaries coming to stay on my house for 4 weeks out of the summer (meaning it will have to be clean), going to Glorieta (yay!) with the youth group for camp, going to the FIF concert in San Diego (Woot Woot!!!), and of course, taking care of my new kitten I procured three weeks ago, who is rapidly growing into a bigger, more agile and talkative kitten, as well as the dogs, that man I'm married to, and somehow in the middle of all this, maintain some semblance of sanity while everyone else in my family and friend group is hanging out all summer because they were smart enough to work at the school system instead of in Mental Health (where we do not get Summer, Christmas, or Easter breaks- that's right, students/school staff who are posting elatedly on Facebook; for most business people, summer is business as usual!).

Now, I am sorry that went in a complaining direction. The truth is, I have asked God for lots and lots of opportunities and activities in my life, and He has graciously given them to me- overwhelmingly, in fact. He has listened to my prayers and allowed me to be successful in lots and lots of things, and given me working opportunities other people would give a limb for. In a time of economic recession, I have been blessed with more jobs than I know what to do with, and more invitations to speak and sing than I can take.

As a young person, I prayed and prayed that God would use me in a mighty way, and give me purpose and a plan for the future. Now I sort of wish I'd prayed for rest and a little corner of the world all my own. People talk about "comfort zones" (a phrase I don't like because its overused, but I don't know what better to replace it with) and getting out of them- I'd rather like to find one. I don't think I know what this "comfort zone" thing is. Every day is a challenge and I am never really comfortable.

But again, this comes back to what I have prayed for. I prayed for a different kind of life. I have prayed for opportunities to break out of the credit card and student loan debt which, sadly, identifies my generation. I have prayed for opportunities to work in a stimulating setting doing thing which make the world a better place. More than anything, I've prayed God would enable me to prepare our home to care for our future children, which means working- a lot- so we can be financially solvent enough to take care of them. God has given me opportunity after opportunity to prepare the way for them.

But He has not made it simple. He knows my tendency to do less than enough, to slack off, and to leave things undone. So He's been teaching me discipline, and what it means to keep going after I'm tired, not because I want to, but because the consequences would be so severe if I didn't. He's taught me that nothing moves without His hand guiding it, and I'm much less "in charge" than I think. He's taught me that life can be "on track" and still really hard, and that having so much doesn't mean struggles and challenges don't come. He's allowed me to experience what real despair, turmoil, and even terror feel like, so I am very aware of how people could commit major grievances and sins and "lose it,” in everyday situations. He's taught me that "how I feel" isn't as important as what I do, and often the right choices feel "wrong" because of my own emotional depletion. He's taught me I'm "as good" as the circumstances around me, and I have no righteousness on my own; push me hard enough and I will cave, like most people, into jealousy, deceit, and bitterness unless I am walking closely with my Lord. That is the most shaming lesson to learn of all.

There is more to come, as well; He isn't done teaching me things from this period in my life yet. I'm still trying to figure out the balance between what one can do and what one ought to do, and what it means to take care of myself when so many other people need me to take care of them. I'm still trying to figure out how to plan consistently for the future when there are obstacles in the way I can't see around. Things used to feel simple, the plan used to be simple. Work hard, marry well, avoid any majorly stupid life mistakes, and meet goals. Now, life looms ahead, uncertain. I avoided all the "big mistakes" and tried to plan things, but life still happens, even to us. And how much does God expect from me versus how much do I need to step out on faith and let him handle?

So, here I am, standing on the edge again, not real sure how all of this will play out. I confess to you I have a real fear of going crazy because of taking on too much. But in my times of prayer and seeking of the Lord’s will, He keeps moving me forward. He is telling me to add, not to decrease, and I have hope that there is some rhyme and reason in the current chaos. Because I haven’t gone crazy yet, and if I’m going to go, I have to go all the way crazy, not just a little bit. All the way crazy means I would get to walk away from everything; a little bit crazy means having to apologize and pick up the pieces and deal with the big mess I made by deciding to lose it. And if I haven’t had a complete psychotic break by now, it’s most likely not going to happen. So I’m going to try to stay sane, instead, and go forward, believing that God has a hand in this craziness to fulfill the desires He placed in my heart, and do the mighty work He has planned in and through my life.

Conversations With God

2012-05-08T12:48:00.002-07:00

"Take it away," I begged Him. "Take away my passion for life, my opinions,
my desires, my hope,that I might be the sort of machine that files and
finishes without initiative or dreams or other things that get in the way when
I want, I need, and I feel."

"Take it away," I pleaded."Take away the conscious part of me that questions
and pleads and wonders and complains and opines,
because it has no place in my life when the paperwork piles up,
and there is more, more, more that I must do, and there is no, no, no way out but through..."

In my moment of weakness I implored this of God,
knowing simplicity to be bliss and too much thought withers the heart.
I wanted to be freed from cares because I seemed to care too much.

But my Lord is good, and as soon as I asked, I knew He would answer "No."
"No, I will not put to sleep all I have made you to be. I have made you for more than today, more than this burden, and I will not lose you to it though you ask to be lost."

"I am your servant, Lord," I replied. "If you prefer my sorrow to my silence, it will be as you wish. I have no will to refuse you or go against you, because only You hold the keys to life."

But still my heart was disturbed, because I thought, "I have no promise, no covenant with you like Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, that there will be any good in my mortal life but only solace in heaven, which makes the rest of my earthly life seem like a desperate pitstop indeed." I despaired of living because I could see only hardness in the road and many sorrows.

But still my Lord sought me out, and heard me in my silent urgency.

"My Lord, did you make me only for sorrow? Because I have no promise from you, no guarantee that things will improve. Nor do I condemn or betray you if the life you have for me is one of tragedy, because its Yours to use, and Heaven is more than enough.

"But oh Lord, I am a very little person, and the idea of living for the rest of my life the way I hurt now, well, I don't know if I can bear it. To you, a thousand years is like a day, but to me, Heaven feels very far away."

And what did my Lord say? Did He condemn my lack of faith? No. In His great kindness, My Lord reminded me, "Daughter, I have so many promises for you. I promise that I hear you and I answer your prayers. I promise there is a hope and a future for you. I promise that I made you for joy, hope, and love.When have I left you, My daughter, and when have I allowed you to fall? Have I not cushioned every blow life has wraught you, and provided for you much more than you need? Sorrow lasts for the night, but joy comes in the morning. I know your name, child, and it was on My lips when I died at Calvary. These promises are greater than the first I gave to Abraham and his sons. You need not fear because there is much good coming to you."

What a mighty, loving, and kind God I serve. In my sorrow, I will wait on Him for the joy of my salvation, knowing He will bring healing, not just one day on Heaven's shores but where I'm at today.

Mental Health Professional of the Year

2012-05-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

Its been over a month since I last blogged. Part of this is that all my creative juices are getting used for my radio show, which has been a really enjoyable endeavor, and another part is that I have had a bad cough for over 3 weeks now and for a lot of that time I've felt extremely fatigued. Its been all I can do to fulfill my daily responsibilities, and those not super well, so blogging hasn't been happening.

But I've had a lot of good things happen since I wrote to you last. For one thing, I am only 2 months away from completing the MHLAP (Mental Health Loan Repayment Program) that I have been a part of for the last year. As of June 30th, I will receive 10,000$ toward my student loans for working at a non-profit agency in a low income area from June 2011 to June 2012. This is a huge deal and I've been very blessed to be accepted into this program. If you live in California and you are working in Mental Health, I highly suggest you Google it and take a look. It's great to receive extra money for something you were planning on doing anyway! It also helps offset the lower wages that come with non-profit work.

I have been provided with several additional speaking opportunities since I started my Radio Show that I have really been happy to be a part of. Since public speaking is a passion of mine, I'm happy to be able to hone my skills and get additional experiences. I actually had the opportunity to TURN DOWN some speaking engagements for different reasons, which was pretty trippy! I never thought I'd get to a point where I would have to be choosy.

But the biggest honor I have had bestowed on me professionally this year is being nominated by a friend of mine for "MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OF THE YEAR." Doesn't that sound smancy??? Every year our county has an academy awards event for consumers, staff, and mental health centers who have demonstrated excellence. I have participated in this for the last two years as a coordinator, planner, selection committee member, and as a nominator (I nominated our center last year and we totally won!), but I didn't expect to be nominated for anything this decade. That seemed like a designation that should go to really OLD people who have been working in their agencies for over twenty years and have started programs and run things(No offense, old people! I like you and think you should get more awards for perseverance and integrity. ), and really made a difference, not flash-in-the-pan young kids like me who think 3 years anywhere feels like an eternity and are still waiting for Easter, Summer, and Christmas Breaks to show back up again.

But my sweet friend nominated me nonetheless, apparently believing that getting licensed, starting a radio show, contributing to the county committee on dual diagnosis treatment, and teaching Psychology in the evenings, all while juggling a caseload of 90 clients and volunteering at my church three times a week are pretty amazing achievements for someone who has only been working in the field for 3 years. When she puts it that way, I guess I do sound pretty accomplished. What I actually feel, however, is really, really tired.

So I am honored to be nominated. I will have mixed feelings about winning, though- if I don't win, of course I'll be disappointed, but if I do win, I think I will be concerned because if MY best is THE best we have to offer, than I feel bad for our clients. Because for every one thing I've accomplished, I can think of 2 to 3 things I've really messed up along the way as well. But that won't stop me from setting the trophy in my office and adding it to my resume' if I win:). I'm honored to have my hard work recognized, and touched that anyone thinks I'm an anything "OF THE YEAR" at all.

Radio Debut

2012-03-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was the first night of my new radio show. I was SO nervous yesterday I was pretty much useless to my clients in the morning, or at least I felt that way. Back when I was a board operator, I never really felt comfortable taking control of the mic and I was afraid I would freeze and be unable to fill up the time and be left sitting there with dead air while I tried vainly to think about what to say for the next hour, until the board operator rescued me and I went home in disgrace.

Thankfully, nothing like that happened at all:). We did have some off air mishaps which meant the show started later than it was supposed to, but once we finally got on the air, I was poised and calm enough to have a pretty pleasant conversation with the air. I made some jokes, shared some research, and told the families about the way mental health services work in our community. When all was said and done, I didn't get through my whole outline in the time allotted, which was a relief. Now I'll have somewhere to start the next time.And I have guests lined up for almost all my next set of shows, so I won't even have to fill all the time myself in the future.

Its really cool when this kind of synthesis happens...prior to becoming a therapist I had a stint in radio and I really liked aspects of both, but I didn't know where to go with radio; I didn't have a purpose for it, other than liking the sound of my own voice;). Therapy is something valuable to talk about, so that means I have something to contribute and that frees me up to return to radio. That's what I mean by synthesis.

I don't know if this show will turn into anything for me, but its a great experience and I no longer hate myself for deciding to make it happen.
Go Radio!

Managing the Letdown

2012-03-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

So, it has now been about 3 weeks since I took my test and passed, becoming an official "Marriage and Family Therapist." The day after I passed, I emailed my once supervisor to tell her the news. Her response, along with hearty congratulations, included the following words: "don't be dismayed by the "post-par-tum depression" that often comes after a huge accomplishment that you prepared so long for."

This idea took me by surprise, and I quickly dismissed it into the "well-meaning warning of something that happens to other people" category. Until a few days later, when I knew what she was talking about.

3 YEARS of preparation. A total of 8 MONTHS of studying and preparation between the two tests. And then, success! And what do you know? Nothing else changed. All the stress I was still experiencing from other areas of my life did not dissipate. My job was still hard. My present options were still limited. And to top it all off, I was super exhausted and emotionally bankrupt. I was struggling to be emotionally present in sessions and struggling to stay on top of the workload that had blossomed while I was studying.

Thankfully, I have a kind and wise husband who expected this (he is irritatingly good at predicting what things are going to be hard for me). He summed it up really well, saying something like this he folded laundry and I multi-tasked at crying and making the bed:

"People get disappointed because they have delayed gratification so long that they expect everything to get better all at once. Things do get better, but its a gradual improvement. Getting your license isn't making as much immediate change as you would like, but its making a lot of long term changes which will improve your life and mine. Maybe things feel the same today, but you will be reaping the rewards for years to come."

Can you see why I married him? Since that tearful conversation, I am beginning to be more like myself again- less anxious and on edge, and more emotionally present for the people around me. I have also gotten to start going back to the gym, something that hadn't happened since I started the testing process. I am feeling my energies freed up to work on other things, and I have a spring in my step again. Best of all, I'm not as aware of myself because I'm not always having to self-monitor my negativity. I went hours this weekend without having to introspect anything:). I'm sleeping better, and don't seem to "need" to eat sweets to feel better.

Long term, there will be huge benefits. In the short term, I am getting a pay raise and my picture up in the office. Not too shabby for my first 28 years:).

Licensed!

2012-02-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

Finally, after 3 years of my full time internship, I completed my MFT licensure exams yesterday and now I am qualified to be licensed in the great state of California.

"Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist" will be my new title.

I think this sounds totally awesome:).

My Radio Show!

2012-02-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

"No one told me we had a partnership with Radio Bilingue!" I blurted out at the beginning of supervision.

"Oh yeah, we've had that for years," my supervisor responded.

"Well, I just heard about it, and you should give me a radio show."

"Its Radio Bilingue. That means you have to speak Spanish."

"Nuh, uh! They have a Laotian show on there. If the Laotians can be on there, I can have an English speaking show on there."

My supervisor changed the subject at that point, but my mania had already taken hold. I scribbled down show ideas which seemed really, really good as I wrote them down. I barely remember what we talked about in supervision, but by the end of the two hours, I had a rough draft for 10 weeks of broadcast in my hands.

After lunch, I was still amped up, and I walked into my supervisor's office and showed him what I had so far for my radio show.

"I should be the voice of this clinic," I told him. "I need to be the new public face of our organization."

I am still surprised I actually said those words, and more that he accepted them. I think he was so surprised he didn't know what to do, but agreed that maybe I should be, and in a very conciliatory gesture got on the phone with our administrators and asked how I would go about submitting a proposal for a radio show.

A few clients and 4 hours later, I had a complete series proposal typed up for a 10 week, hour long wellness show that I was going to host. I emailed it to the appropriate people and expected it to go and be reviewed at some committee meeting and get a friendly rejection letter which thanked me for my plucky idea, but maybe in a few years we could talk about it again.

As I contemplated my soon-to-be rejection at home after work, I felt a little disappointed but also very relieved. I had gotten so excited that I hadn't considered what a gigantic project I was proposing. Its for the best that they don't let me do these things, I told myself. Still, I knew I can do this. I am capable of doing this. Maybe in time they will give me some more opportunities.

My husband was out of town during all of this with the youth from our church at the State Youth Conference. The last time he left me by myself we got a dog. I don't think the brief text message I sent him (I might have my own radio show. I'll tell you when I hear more) was very reassuring. Still, I thought, they won't actually let me do this thing.

When I got to work the next morning, I had an email saying the CEO had looked it over the night before and approved it immediately. He loved the idea and the content, and was interested to hear when it would be starting. I was not expecting approval, and I definitely wasn't expecting total approval of all of it! His assistant also asked if I would like to speak with larger audiences as well to share my message. I answered, "Why, yes I would!"

I was interviewed for a television show on Tuesday.

My radio show is starting on March 22nd, on 90.1 FM in the Kern County area. It airs from 5-6 every Thursday for 10 weeks, ending on May 24th.

I am still really surprised that a little initiative was all it took for this opportunity to come my way. But that's how every good opportunity in my life has shown up, actually. It didn't take much, but it did take something.

If you live in our area, I'd love for you to listen in.

Finally Seeing the Fruits of My Labors?

2012-01-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

2011 was all about persevering. I knew I was going in the right direction, but all my goals felt so far away. It was a "Just keep swimming" kind of year.

2012, however, is ramping up to be a great year in a lot of ways!

I passed my first MFT exam! Yipperee! Now I am scheduled to take the next one in February. Then if I pass I will be a licensed MFT in CA which means more money, no more supervision, and the ability to teach at the graduate level and the potential to work in private practice. Its kind of a big deal.

This month, I am teaching Positive Psychology to Psychology undergraduates for the Bakersfield branch of National University. An awesome new field of research which is a lot of fun to learn about and teach.

I will have a radio show!!!! Starting in March, I will be hosting a local mental health and wellness show until May. Will it be awesome? YES it will.

In June, I will finally be finished with my Mental Health Loan Assumption Program, which is helping me eliminate student loan debt in exchange for working in a loan income clinic. So basically, they are paying me for working where I was already working.

So the next 6 months of 2012 are going to be busy and awesome. Licensure will open up a lot of new doors and hopefully lead to more financial prosperity as well so we can get out of credit card debt and experience more freedom.

Finally, hard work is paying off! Yay for 2012!

Tomorrow

2011-12-09T17:50:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I will take the 1st of the 2 licensure exams I have to take to become a fully licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the great state of California.

I have studied, I have prayed, and I have worried. Tomorrow I will know if I get to move on, or if I need to take it again. I am opting for the first option. I am tired of being an MFT-Intern, with its limitations.

So, I will keep you posted. Thanks for you support!

Thanks to My Clients

2011-11-18T17:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Clients I Saw Today,
I just wanted to say, "thanks." Thanks for coming and bringing yourself to the room to sit and talk with me. Thanks for stopping and taking the time to ask me about my holidays, too, and my comfort, instead of just yours. It means a lot to me, you know, when you see me as a person and not just a "service provider."

Thanks for humoring me and answering my silly, odd questions. Thanks for being honest with me even when you didn't like where the conversation was going, and for being willing to come back, even though I can't fix your problems like you hoped I could. Thanks for engaging with me and trusting me with your stuff. It means a lot, and helps me feel successful at my job.

Thanks for telling me about your happy moments, not just your sad ones. I love to hear your stories. I love to discover who you are under the veil of all that stress that brought you to me. You really are so special and brilliant. I feel privileged to be the one to see you and hear you. Not enough people give the time it takes to really watch another person unveil their wonderfulness, and I'm glad its me. Its like being a treasure hunter. I am amazed at your senses of humor, your way of seeing the world, and your compassion for others. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with me.

I hope my fondness for you eeks through. I don't always find it easy to express my delight at who you are, or my intense love for you, because of my own hang ups, and because of the restrictiveness of our relationship. I can't give you a big hug or invite you to my house for the holidays. I can't always tell you how much I am your side. But I just want you to know I really love who you are. I really love getting to see you. I sure wish I could do more for you, did you know that? That it stresses me out to send you back out the door with the same problems? But I am amazed and impressed by how much you succeed even with the burdens you carry.

So thanks for sharing your life with this random stranger. Thanks.

Perks of Being a Therapist

2011-11-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

Being a therapist has its perks. Other than getting paid to sit and talk to people all day long (something I would doing ANYWAYS!), there are certain therapeutic mentalities which fit really nicely with my own needs. Therapists all are about "congruence." What congruence means for mental health professionals, is being candid with their clients. This isn't always easy, or appropriate ("I'm totally scared of you," for example, would probably be an inappropriate use of congruence), but it means I am free to be a big basket case who makes mistakes all the time. If I mess up, I can say, "I'm really sorry, I messed up" or "whoops, I forgot" instead of having to put on a big show if I forget a family member's name or mischedule people. I can also express genuine positive emotions with my clients. If I think about them outside of work, I tell them, "I couldn't stop thinking about what you said at our last session," or "I was really worried about you!" When I am brave, I also share my dilemmas in a way you normally don't get to in a professional setting: "I'm torn on what to tell you, because on the one hand I totally get why you cussed that kid out, but I don't want to encourage you to do that again because it keeps getting you suspended."

When I first started, I would get easily flustered when I made a mistake or didn't have things perfect in my room. Now I'm learning to address what's going on instead of pretending everything's perfect when its not. People seem to move on faster if something is addressed. Its pretty nice, being able to be a genuine, flawed human girl instead of a perfect entity.

I try not to live in a vacuum, because I can't. Sometimes I'm really tired, and its better to say, "I'm sorry I yawned, its not you- I'm just tired today, " than try to act like I'm not. The clients smile and say, "me too, " and we move on. It is also helpful to let them be a human back to me, and to give them short answers about my life. "Thanks, I had a nice Halloween...I passed out candy. What did you do?" Pretending I don't exist outside this office doesn't really help anybody. Most people seem to prefer talking to a flesh and blood human.

I remember in Grad school, I asked the head of my program why she went into therapy 30 years or so ago. I expected some lofty answer. She said "I haven't a clue," and smiled. I loved the honesty of that moment.

Sometimes, I have failed at being congruent. I have found it difficult to tell the truth when a client makes me angry. I have found it difficult to admit if I forgot to do something for them that I was supposed to do.

But I work on it, and try to give of myself as much as I can, and improve the rest of the time. Which is what I hope for my clients, too. And you know what? I find myself really enjoying that kind of mutuality with my clients. As much as the therapy is about them, its also about how they relate with me. The families that really succeed are the ones with which I form a strong relationship with goes both ways. If I can accept them as valuable, but real people, and they can accept me the same way, well, the work is almost already done!

How God Has Worked in My Life

2011-10-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to explain to you, if you don't know Christ, how God has worked in my life, but He has in a very personal and real way. For those of you who do know Christ, you know what it's like to experience Him as a friend, helper, and counselor.

One of the things which continually amaze me is how He answers my prayers, directly and appropriately, every time. I have brazenly asked Him for a variety of things in my life, things I have no right to. I have asked him for a husband, for a career, to be able to travel, for advanced education, for a house, to pay off debt...I will never quite understand how He has been so faithful in giving me what I ask but doesn't always give these things to other people.

God answers prayers differently for different people, I know that, and He has a different plan for each of us. Sometimes we get everything we ask for, and sometimes He says "no" because He has something different and better in mind we don't know about yet, or we have prayed a foolish prayer that he mercifully denies. Sometimes He says, "wait."

But there are a few things I have noticed about how prayer has worked in my life. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not." I have, as I said above, asked Him directly for lots of things. I trust Him and I try to remember to bring all my needs before Him. Sometimes I think people forget to even ask and they don't know why He hasn't answered them. So I bring all my little, provincial needs to My Lord, and He comforts me and guides me. Like a child, I come to Him, aware He can say "No" but that I can ask for anything.

Secondly, I rest in the knowledge that God Himself gave me my desires and interests and has a purpose for me. He will not leave me without tools to accomplish His will! So when I ask for things to take care of my family and succeed in ministry, I believe He will give me what I need to do it, and He does! I am not asking selfishly, I am asking in order to accomplish His purposes, and I am blessed along the way because He is so merciful.

Thirdly, I've profoundly felt the prayers of others in my life. My life has been a CAKEWALK in comparison to most people on this spinning globe, and the only thing I can really attribute that to is that before I was born and before I was old enough to pray, and even today, people have been praying for me. My parents prayed for their future children before we were even conceived, and I have been immersed in prayer ever since. God hears the prayers of the saints, and I know I have been protected and blessed, not due to my own righteousness, but because God has lovingly answered the prayers of his faithful people for me. I have walked through this world clothed in peace because of their prayers. Likewise, I hope to be a prayer warrior for my children, family, and the people who I encounter to continue to pass along His blessings which I have been so grateful to receive and He has given me the eyes to see.

None of this means I am immune to illness, or that God doesn't sometimes allow trials and pain to come to people who pray or are prayed for! After all, Jesus tells us "in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." God has a purpose in His actions bigger than our comprehension. I have not always received what I have asked for when I asked for it, and that is part of His goodness, too, and I know I will not escape trouble in this life. But there is such joy in knowing that My Heavenly King hears my cries!

What about you? How has the Almighty God worked in your life?

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

2011-09-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am still coming to terms with the fact that being a therapist is, hands down, the hardest thing I have ever done. It has brought me to my breaking point more than once, and I am daily faced with challenges I don't know how to meet. It is hard. I have sometimes wished I'd picked a less challenging profession, but I know myself too well. I would have kept pushing and challenging myself until I found some equivalent situation where I was, once again, up against the wall.

I have to come face to face with my own shortcomings over and over again. I have to work with people I'm not comfortable interacting with. I have been criticized, complained about, condescended, by some very sick folks, and sometimes, to my shame, some not so sick folks. I make mistakes, many mistakes, and sometimes seen the consequences of those mistakes in the lives of my clients. I have failed some of my clients. I have dropped the ball more times than I like to remember. I have under-performed, felt under-motivated, resented my clients, coworkers, and company for "making" my life so hard. I have personalized the impersonal, been affected by my environment, and have experienced the sickening feelings of self-doubt and self-loss. In the middle I didn't seem to be able to make sense out of what my life had become and I frequently fantasized about just walking away from the tremendous pressure I felt every day.

I have recently had to face my own juvenile tendencies, and come to terms with the fact that no one is going to come in and save me from my situation. There will be no deux ex machina to swoop in and allow me to go free. I can't go over it, I can't go around it, I have to walk through it. No matter how I cry out to him that "it's too hard!", God has been unwilling to release me in my darkest moments. It is time to put on my big girl panties, as a friend of mine is fond of saying, and face things myself.

I have come to the painful realization that we all do, eventually, which is that no one else in the world can accomplish my goals for me. No one else will fix me or make it all better. My mommy can't come and rescue me from this big, bad world of frustration and personal failure. I am the only one who can walk this path through to the other side.

But I am learning lessons through all this that I couldn't have learned otherwise. I'm learning that perseverance really is the one thing that ends up mattering in the end. Everyday, I get back up, not because I want to, but because I must. Everyday, I go back to work. And everyday, I learn a little more, and put in a little more time, and do a little more toward the future. It feels like so little, but it adds up. And somewhere in the madness, a person is emerging. I was so afraid she would be bitter and used up, but instead, she is older, more forgiving, more humble, and more aware of the challenges of life. She is more appreciative of the sunrise, of fresh fruit, of frozen yogurt and good coffee. She better understands her clients and the pain that just living can cause. She better understands what it means to feel trapped and powerless, but also what it takes to overcome. She is more appreciative of family and true friends, and has become more honest about her own shortcomings with people around her. She has fewer blind spots about her own stuff. She gives out compliments more freely and requires less excitement in life in order to feel content. She better understands the power and importance of encouragement and acts of kindness because she has relied on them so desperately to get through. She imagines she can now better understand how Jesus felt, willingly submitting himself to an earthly body with all its frailties and confusion. His sacrifice started long before the cross.

Part of me would like to reject these changes. It would have hurt less to stay in the shallow end, to still be naive to the pain of living. But I don't think any of us really get that option. If I didn't learn these things now, I'd just have to learn them later. I'd rather start today, before kids, so I don't have to make as many mistake on my family as I work through my own disillusionment and grappling with what it means to be a person.

A New Hope

2011-08-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

A week from today I begin teaching an undergraduate psychology course. For the longest time, teaching at the college level has been a goal of mine, and now, that day is a lot closer than I expected it to be, and actually easier to get into than I thought. Turns out, full-time clinicians were being sought in my area for the clinical experience we bring to the classroom, just as I was seeking to expand my professional experience to teaching! It's one of those glorious marriages of goals that don't come along everyday. Now that the first cat is in the bag, I am starting to get nervous. A lot hinges on this plan- this is a stepping stone to the future for me, so I have to do a really good job if I want to keep teaching additional classes. Don't screw this up, self. I hope I do a good job! Eep!

Random Acts of Power

2011-08-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

There are many, many things I wish were run differently in the bureaucratic system where I work. This is the nature of bureaucracies. It doesn't seem to matter which one you are apart of, the same sorts of problems persist.

This inability to dictate how my day goes has been a source of frustration to me since...forever. "I don't like that policy," I say, and the answer, however nicely phrased, is "too bad, its a part of your job." And when people do try to make policy changes, things seem to have a way of drifting back to their original forms because people do their job the way they always have.

So powerlessness is a feeling I grapple with each work day, and it can consume me up in frustration, irritation, anger, and hopelessness. None of which makes a productive employee. It makes a disgruntled employee.

But this summer, when I was on a well-needed rest from work, I did a lot of praying and a lot of thinking. One of the revelations that resulted was this:

1. I have very little power over the bad things that happen where I work. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, they don't get fixed or changed by anything short of an act of God.

BUT:

2. I have A LOT of power over the good things that happen where I work. It's much easier to make good happen than stop bad from happening! So a well-placed prayer/hug with a coworker, a treat for my office mates, a drop by and say hello to a lonely fellow employee- these things make the day much more palatable for myself and others, even if we can't seem to control the system which dictates our work day.

I am sure there are bureaucratic gurus out there who know how to "fix" these things and make amazing, streamlined choices which benefit everyone by removing systemic problems. I am not currently one of these people. But right this minute, right now, I have the skills to improve my working environment through addition rather than subtraction.

So that is my new goal. And you know what? I don't feel so powerless anymore.

Removing the Fixings: Examining The Issues

2011-08-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

When I started my therapy career, if a family came in with a lot of emotion and upset, I would find myself disengaging because I couldn't immediately see a solution to their myriad of issues they were bringing to the table. It made me feel sick, powerless, fearful, and reluctant to see the clients who needed me the most because I couldn't figure out how to treat their dysfunction. One of the challenges of family therapy is having to listen to so many different people and formulate treatment from all their stuff that works for everybody, and some of my families are very vitriolic. In supervision, I came to realize I was practicing a slight form of dissociation when these families would come in that rendered me unhelpful. I felt the need to either better control the session with less talking time and more structured time, or to interrupt and redirect, or to just sit and glance up at the clock, hoping they would finish tirading soon so I could actually do some therapy. I felt embarrassed that I didn't have quick answers for them, and impatient if they didn't "get better" soon enough. I chalked all this up to not being the best therapist for the job, which sent me deeper into my disengagement. It didn't help that I was told to focus specifically on Solution Focused strategies with all my clients, no matter what, so I felt forced to stay in a little box of communication and try to remember all the catch phrases and questions I was "supposed" to ask instead of communicating naturally.

Over time, I have learned a few things. I'm excited because today I navigated a session that could have been uncomfortable because of its deep emotionalism and the family member's difficulties communicating with each other. But in the last 2 and a half years, some things are finally clicking for me. Many of my ideas are based on Solution Focused and Motivational Interviewing concepts, with an odd hybrid of Psychodynamic and Attachment Theories thrown in, so you will see those theories demonstrated in what I have learned. I know more experienced therapists than myself have said these things, and said them better, but here is the way I have it worked them in my brain.

1. Treat all issues with genuine curiosity instead of trying to find a solution right away. Spend more time analyzing and less time intervening. What I have found this accomplishes is that interventions rise to mind based on analysis that I might never have come up with otherwise.

2. Treat all interventions as experiments, and all analysis as a hypothesis. This one I borrowed from our wise Solution-Focused gurus, but now I am actually doing is a lot more than I used to. Maybe I am right, or maybe I am wrong. Lets see, shall we? "What if we tried...could that help? What do you think?"

3. Reserve the right to be WRONG. I can be wrong a whole lot more than I can be right, and how I see a family when I first assess them may be totally different than I see them 6 months later. I routinely change my analysis. I used to feel bad about this, like I wasn't a good enough assessor, but now I am learning that most of it is based on the information I have been given, not on my skills. I am bound to get something right eventually, and its usually sooner than later as long as I keep communicating my hypotheses to the family and let them correct me or modify my understanding as needed.

4. Let the problem be a big problem. A problem neither needs minimization or exaggeration. It is usually exactly as big as the family thinks it is and they know better than me. While I normalize a lot, especially about what to expect from teenagers, who are apparently the most obtuse creatures on the planet, I also respect the level of distress the issues facing the family are causing for its members. I am also learning I don't have to resolve their problems in the session in which those issues are uncovered. I can respect their problems and let them leave with the family without being an ineffective therapist. Rather, its a recognition of the seriousness of their situation that they had to come and see a person like me in the first place. Their problems are big problems, or they wouldn't be here. I am learning to be okay with complex problems which aren't fixed in one or two sessions.

5. My most important job is to care for 50 minutes. People may not remember how I analyzed their problems or my interventions, but they will remember that I care. I am striving to be an excellent therapist, but what matters to be an adequate therapist is simply that I know about their lives and show them compassion and love. I am also learning how to share with them emotionally, and then let their feelings go until the next time. It has taken some mental work, but I am learning to put my emotional response to their emotional displays away until they are needed again. Sometimes residual responses remain is particularly troubling, but most of the time I can pick up and put back on my mantle as needed. This is going to continue to take some work on my part.

What about you? What lessons have you learned in treatment, or in your job, which someone may have told you about but didn't start clicking until you were practicing for a while?

Blog me This

2011-08-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

I attended an orientation last night for the university I will be teaching a course for this fall (about which I am SUPER EXCITED). At this orientation, one of the other professors mentioned an ethics conference he attended where the therapists and other helping professionals were encouraged to get rid of any social networking pages or other forms of public identity online because of how the finding of this information might affect the clients. He said there was a case recently of a therapist whose license was revoked because her client (who Googled her) found her Facebook profile and, after seeing a picture of her in a bathing suit, felt this changed the dynamics of their relationship and impaired his therapy.

We could focus all day on the reasons this wasn't really the therapist's fault, as he had gone out his way to look for information about her that she did not volunteer, and so on, but the point is that the committee ruled the burden was on her, and was encouraging all helping professionals to steer clear of social networking internet activity.

Which leads me to a lack of cultural understanding directed by older clinicians toward younger clinicians. I am 27. I keep track of everyone via Facebook. I mean everyone. My grandma is on Facebook. I followed the play by play of my niece's birth on Facebook. I don't get people's email addresses or phone numbers if I want to stay in contact; instead I ask, "Are you on Facebook?" And they usually are. To ask me to get rid of my Facebook is like asking me to cut contact with all the people I have ever known who I don't currently see. In fact, the recent dilemma is whether Google+ is going to be something I need to invest time into or whether I can just keep things how they are.

Social networking is also a way to present myself publicly in an effective way. It doesn't bother me that potential employers might look me up- I welcome it because I make sure my social networking face is professional and appropriate.

I understand the need for discretion and not allowing just anybody to see photos and personal information. I have appropriate blocks on my Facebook to ensure privacy and make sure not to post anything too personal.

So I found this declaration to avoid social networking as distressing and somewhat insensitive to a generation that relies on the internet to keep track of people throughout their lifetimes.

What are your thoughts on this? Do helping professionals have the right to personal social networking? Or ought we to be ethically bound to internet silence for the sake of our clients?

To add to the discussion on the topic of social networking, head over to The Strangest Situation for information from the same conference as it relates to teenagers.