Therapy Nook | Mark Allison | Psychotherapist

Relationships with Narcissistic Individuals

2018-08-23T12:29:00.002-07:00

'Hurting you hurt me more'

The battle cry of the narcissist

When we enter into a relationship with a narcissistic individual, it is like falling through a dark tunnel in the ground, spinning around and around until we come out the other side and we no longer recognize the world that we are in. People that were close to us may not understand us anymore and we may see them differently.

We are now in the narcissist's world

Because the narcissist utilizes 'projection' it becomes difficult to differentiate ourselves from the them. We are in danger of merging into them.

Because most people who fall into relationships with narcissistic people tend to be of the caretaker type, the risk of losing themselves is high.

While much has been said in this forum about narcissism perhaps what has not been discussed as much is that the "target" in a narcissistic relationship often begins to act very much like the narcissist.

It's their need to destroy you, to destroy all the good things in your heart that is lacking in their's.

Perhaps not as much as they are sucking the good out of you for themselves but is that they are sucking the good out of you and spitting it out in an attempt to prove to themselves that you are no different than they are.

They want to show you it's a dark world and everybody hurts everybody. After all, it's the motto that they live by.

The narcissist is on a never ending campaign to prove to the world and ultimately themselves that it is a dark, lonely and empty place. And they are hell-bent on converting every non-believer.

Almost every narcissistic female I have encountered has recited this line to me,

"Hurting you, hurt me more."

This is the battle cry of the narcissist

Don't believe it for a minute.

It's an excuse for them to commit their misdeeds.

The truth is we live in a beautiful world with mostly good souls.

The narcissist is the exception and not the ruler.

The narcissist worst nightmare is that they can not break you, that they are indeed alone in their ugly world.

The reason why it is often stated you cannot beat the narcissist is because to beat them you must become like them in becoming like them they suddenly don't feel as alone anymore.. It validates their view of the world.

The most difficult part of dealing with a narcissist is that we must disregard them rather than show anger or hatred or love for that matter towards them.

It's the only way out that keeps our sense of selves in tact.

Don't 'run like hell'. It feeds their egos. Don't get revenge on them, it validates to them that you are no different than they are.

Don't 'discard' them as they did to you.

'Disregard' them. They are not important.

Just a nuisance like a mosquito.

Put some bug repellent on and watch them 'run like hell' away.

Toxic Relationships

2018-07-23T10:42:00.001-07:00

9 Signs you could be dating a person who has Narcissistic or Borderline Personality traits.

By Mark Allison LMFT

What just happened?

Make no mistake about it, the narcissist knows exactly what he/she is doing.

If you were listening closely at the beginning of the relationship, they were telling you who they were. They said it with such frankness that you may have mistook it as self-deprecating behavior.

It was not!

They were warning you right up front
and giving you a chance to get out before they hooked you in.

The narcissist is a master of disguise, they have spent most of their life studying what people are attracted to and how to manufacture exactly what someone wants. They do this because they themselves lack deep feelings and have almost no sense of self. They feel so empty inside that the only way out of their internal solitude is to temporarily latch onto someone who has feelings so they can vicariously enjoy it.

I say temporary because the narcissist inevitably gets bored. Once they have used up all the narcissistic supply that their host can offer, they detach themselves, taking whatever fresh blood with them and search for their next target.

It’s an endless and insatiable thirst and it’s why they rarely will stay with any one person for the long term. If they do stay, rest assure, they are cheating and lying right under the partner's nose.

Here are 9 signs that you may be involved with a narcissist/borderline:

1. The ‘blank stare’. Its amazing but they will look at you as if they are looking through you…. And they are!

2. The ‘sadistic laugh’. They will laugh at you when you are most vulnerable, usually right after they have done something to hurt you in the relationship. If you confront them about this, they will tell you they felt ‘uncomfortable’ by your emotions, so they laughed instead. It makes no sense, but the 'N" rarely does make any sense.

3. Projection: They will bring up their concerns that you are sleeping with someone else when that is the furtherest thing on your mind. In reality, they are thinking about sleeping with someone else or more likely, have already done so.

4. They lie. Everything in their life is a lie. The relationship you were holding onto dearly, to them, was just a fantasy. It was mere entertainment to escape their own boredom.

5. They accuse you of having "anger issues" or "rage" when you become upset over their indiscretions and deceptions. Shape shifting the blame back onto you.

6. Gaslighting: They gaslight whenever they are caught in a lie. Gaslighting is a control technique to convince someone to doubt the facts and their own feelings.

7. Stonewalling: If they don't agree with you on a topic or decision they simply ignore it. They will pretend you never said it. They will give you another 'blank' stare and often just change the topic to something about themselves.

8. Silent Treatment: If you should happen to catch them in a lie or reveal one of their many deceptions you will be punished with the silent treatment. They disappear for minutes, hours or days and then reappear when they feel you are desperate enough to give up your position and accept the abuse as your fault.

9. Boredom: Narcissistic people often are bored. Because they are incapable of deeper authentic feelings and lack the desire or ability to care for others, they need constant stimulation to feel alive.

They will often yawn when it's your turn to speak or become distracted with other things when they are not at the center of attention.

These are just a few of the behaviors you may experience if you are in a relationship with a person who has narcissistic or borderline traits/personality. These are highly abusive relationships and it often takes longer for individuals to recover from them once they are free from the abusive partner. It's important to see the "warning signs" before you are fully invested into the relationship with someone like this.

If you find that you seem to "attract" people like this into your life, you are not alone, but gaining insight into why your 'tolerance' is so high for abusive behavior will help prevent repeating this pattern over and over again in your personal and professional relationships.

Fair Rules Of Engagement

2015-03-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Fair Rules Of Engagement

The art of couples' conflict resolution

By Mark Allison MFT
www.thebeverlyhillstherapist.com

A misconception couples often make when they come to therapy is that they are there to resolve differences. They may feel having a third person i.e. a therapist come in between them to act as an 'emotional referee' may be helpful. The reality is that any time two people choose to live and share their lives together there will be times that they will upset each other and ultimately have arguments about it.

So the goal is not necessarily to prevent arguments but rather to learn how to argue or disagree in a away that is safe, productive and healthy. There are different terms for this skill set, it is often referred to as conflict-resolution or how to fight fairly.

Listed below are the 12 'Rules of Engagement' I often give couples to work on when they struggle with how to fight fairly.

Don't bring up something that bothered you from days or weeks ago now. The contextual meaning will be lost. After 48 hours you need to move on to something newer.
If something bothers you and your partner does not want to discuss it, schedule an time within a 24 hours to discuss it. You don't have to stay up all night debating an issue when the both of you need sleep.
Keep to the issue at hand, fighting fairly means that the both of you will stay within the topic being discussed
Keep the argument between the two of you. Don't bring 3rd parties in like sister-in-laws, ex-boyfriends etc.
Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history,
Avoid name calling. Good or bad. Be respectful to each other.
Avoid humor or sarcasm.
Listen instead of waiting to talk
Try to use “I” statements instead of “You”
Don’t interrupt
Avoid using “Never” and “Always” in your statements to each other
Be aware of your voice tone and refrain from raising your voice or screaming.

Therapy Nook - Mark Allison: Fair Rules Of Engagement

2015-01-23T21:00:00.001-08:00

Therapy Nook - Mark Allison: Fair Rules Of Engagement: Fair Rules Of Engagement The art of couples' conflict resolution By Mark Allison MFT www.thebeverlyhillstherapist.com ...

Martin Luther King Jr: Finding Hope Inside of Each of Us

2015-01-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

By Mark Allison, MFT., Beverly Hills Therapy

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Jamal Rutledge (center) was honoredfor
helping to save the life of his arresting officer, Franklin Foulks (second from left)

Look closely at the photo on the left. That gentleman in the center, Jamal Rutledge who earlier saved the life of the man to his left, is an alleged criminal. Actually the man he helped save the life of, is his arresting officer.

Officer Franklin Foulks was in the middle of booking Jamal for an undisclosed crime when the officer collapsed to the ground holding his chest in pain. Jamal, who was handcuffed at the
time began kicking the security fence to attract the other officers of Foulks condition. Fortunately, thanks to Jamal’s quick thinking, the two other officers were able to start CPR and call for additional medical help.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said during a speech at a university, that morality was not a fixed state but rather a muscle that has to be exercised every day in order to strengthen it. There was something about this photograph that caught my attention. When I look at it nothing about Jamal looks criminal, quite to the contrary. I see a strong gentle soul. In my mind's eye I imagine that Jamal has always wanted to do the right thing but never thought he would be given the chance. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity." In this moment, I imagine that he has transcended his individualistic concerns, that he was waiting for this moment in time to show that he was significant, that he has moral character, that he had something to say. Jamal has spoken. I only hope we can all hear him. I will leave it at that.

13 Secrets Of Happily Married Couples

2014-07-05T12:29:00.001-07:00

The Huffington Post | By Taryn Hillin

It's often said that marriage is a lot of work -- so it's refreshing to hear from couples who not only figured out how to make their love last, but are having an awesome time doing it.

On Sunday, a Redditor posed the question, "Why are you still married?" The replies, from real-life couples who are just as in love now as when they said "I do," give a glimpse into the makings of a lasting marriage.

Below, 13 secrets of happily married couples:

1. They trust each other.

"We don't judge each other. We trust each other. We don't have one of those wild tempestuous marriages. No one will ever write a book about us and there will never be a Lifetime movie based on our relationship. But I am in exactly the kind of relationship I have always wanted."

2. They take the good with the bad and become stronger for it.

"We are coming up on 19 years next week. I am still married because I totally respect him for how he has held my hand through the bad times. The good times were good, but the bad times were 10x worse. His friendship and commitment never wavered."

3. They respect each other.

"Married for 39 years. Why? I still get that funny warm feeling in my stomach when I hear his car drive into the driveway. He treats me with respect and he's a hell of a lot of fun on a road trip."

4. They're honest with each other.

"11 years together, two years married ... he provides me support when I need it andtells me when to 'suck it up, princess'. He deals with all of my family bullshit and brings me ice cream ... he gives the best hugs and is amazing in bed."

5. They find joy in the little things.

"He's the person I most want to hang out with whether it's going out eat, acting like an idiot at a concert, or just sitting together watching TV. And he feels the same way about me. It's great. No matter what life throws us (and it's thrown a lot so far!), we always know we will be there for each other."

6. They embrace each other's differences.

"I love being married. My wife and I are opposites. I am impulsive, she is detailed. I am aggressive she is reserved. Together we are like a fucking superhero, winning and conquering all!"

7. Sure, they argue, but they always fight fair.

"[My husband] never has unkind words for me, even when he's upset. It means the world to me that we can 'argue' and still say 'I love you.'"

8. They have fun, even when doing absolutely nothing at all.

"The most important thing starting out was that we loved being with each other. We made each other laugh. We could do something or nothing and have a great time because we were together. We just fit."

9. They cheer each other on.

"Married for 25 years. She is a force of nature, all 104 pounds of her. This woman does everything, sings like an angel, dances, cooks, mixes cement, lays tiles, does woodworking, quilts, builds mosaics, gardens, runs her own restaurant and bed and breakfast. She is so alive. She lights up the room every time she walks in with her joy."

10. They love each other -- flaws and all.

"[My wife] made a man out of a mess. She allowed me to make mistakes without hating me for it ... she loves me when no one else does ... she made me whole."

11. They feel lucky that they found each other.

"We've been together for 10, married for three. He is literally the best person I have ever known. I would do anything for him. We make each other ridiculously happy, it's kind of gross ... We play video games together, go climbing together, cook together, you name it. Sometimes I cannot believe how lucky I am because this relationship is so damn easy."

12. They support each other.

"[My husband] is so supportive in everything I do. He lifts me up when I'm down, always encourages me when I feel discouraged and when I need to talk about my feelings, he's always there to listen. I mean it when I say I married my best friend."

13. They understand that "in sickness and in health" is more than a phrase -- it's a promise.

"We've been married nine years, together for 13. Eight years ago I became significantly disabled. We were a two income house and I took care of pretty much everything at home. And then I couldn't work anymore. I couldn't cook or clean. I couldn't do our grocery shop or pay our bills. I know he didn't think he could do it, but he does it all. He finished his PhD while still working and having to do all the housework and even down to having to bathe me when I couldn't ... He's a remarkable man and I adore him."

Resentful Compliance vs Commitment

2014-06-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., Family Problems Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

The focus of this post is to elaborate on two related themes. One, the differences between resentful compliance and commitment. Two, how understanding those differences can alter the course of a relationship.

Resentful Compliance
Resentful compliance is an agreement that is not an agreement, but sounds like one. Right away you can see the potential problems resentful compliance might spawn. Resentful compliance, or going along to get along, as it it sometimes called, means doing something somebody else wants you to do, but, for whatever reason you do not want to do it. Problem is, you do not, or cannot, say “no,” when you want to, and instead you agree to do something just to get the other one off your back.

Here’s the twist–there are the resentfully compliant who do what their partner wants, but are resentful about doing it. There are also those who don’t do what their partner asks or demands; they say ‘yes,” but passively fail to follow through. They, too, resent their partner for a variety of reasons. They actively agree to do what their partner wants to get them off their back, then passively refuse to follow through.

When complying with a request or demand is accompanied by resentment, and it develops in to a pattern, the resentment toward your partner is palpable, and the disdain for repeatedly selling yourself out is significant. This type of conflict pattern is difficult to break without counseling and drives a huge wedge between the two of you. The resentfully compliant one feels bossed around on the surface, and underneath it feels weak, powerless and scared to express him/herself. The resentfully compliant one usually feels unheard, misunderstood, unloved and without a voice. This person is often conflict averse.

The partner of the resentfully compliant one, on the other hand, resents the passive aggressive behavior, and often meets with denial when confronting it. If confronting the resentfully compliant is done with intense emotional reactivity, the price of honesty is deemed too high, and the conversation shuts down as quickly as it began. Rinse, wash and repeat, the gap between two of you widening. This is a recipe for one of two typical outcomes: either constant bickering and fighting, or, painful distance and silence, like two ships passing in the night. By the way, neither of those lead to a good sex life.

It’s up to the resentfully compliant one to begin to voice their discontent with what’s going on. Your partner is angry and resentful that “you never live up to your commitments,” or, “…you never do what you say!” Likewise, the one making the request must keep their reactivity low when they hear “no” if they want commitment in place of resentful compliance.

What neither understand is that there is never commitment when there is resentful compliance. Resentful compliance negates responsibility, undercuts integrity, and only gives the appearance of a commitment. That is why resentful compliance is often mistaken for a commitment

Commitment
Commitment follows a decision to accept responsibility for doing something based on mutual acceptance and/or agreement. A request is considered, discussed with your partner, perhaps with some negotiation, and then acted upon. When following through with a particular commitment, integrity remains intact, and the trust between the two of you is reinforced. Commitments are made consciously, and typically are made together.

When you follow through with a commitment, you do so because you understand that following through, in general, keeps trust alive. There may, indeed, be the occasional decision to be a good sport and “go along to get along,” but it is not done as part of a pattern that has a core of resentment running through it.

The Partners of The Resentfully Compliant
Are you the partner of someone who is resentfully compliant? If you think you are, ask yourself the following questions:

Does my partner avoid conflict?
If so, what role, if any, do I play in that?
Do I make it difficult for my partner to say “no?”
Am I aware that my partner cannot say “no,” and do I take advantage of that to get what I want at my partner’s expense?

These questions begin to address the core of the patterns that resentfully compliant people and their partners engage in.

The Resentfully Compliant Partner
If you are the resentfully compliant one, ask yourself:

Do I avoid conflict regardless of how my partner responds to me?
Am I afraid to say “no” because of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and patterns I developed in my family of origin?
Do I refuse to accept responsibility for my role in this pattern, and instead blame my partner?

Answers to those questions begin to break the patterns resentfully compliant people and their partners repeat. Discuss them with each other. If necessary, explore them with a counselor who can facilitate a healthy process.

These patterns can be changed, but requires persistence, effort and commitment. Resentful compliance will not work.

If you like this article, please bookmark it or share it with others using any of the following services:

©Copyright 2011 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D., therapist in Menlo Park, CA. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact the Topic Expert and/or see Jim's GoodTherapy.org Profile

Print This Post

Santa Barabara Massacre: Up The Downward Spiral Of A Psychotic Mind

2014-05-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Written by
Mark Allison

Complete unedited manifesto can be found here.

“This is the story of how I, came to be. This is the story of my entire life. It is a dark story of sadness, anger, and hatred. It is a story of a war against cruel injustice. In this magnificent story,….”

And so begins the autobiographical, self proclaimed manifesto of Elliot Rodger, the alleged gunman who opened fire last Friday on the campus of UCSB.

This is not really a manifesto at all but rather a tragic story of an individual's slow descent into the psychotic realm. A lost child unable to find an authentic sense of self and who clings desperately to a idealized false self. The author describes, chronologically, in great detail his gradual decline from a somewhat unremarkable childhood into his adult “twisted” world. Upon reading through his journal it is hard to put your finger on any one event that could have been the “trigger” to cause the diabolical transformation from wounded child/adult to homicidal maniac.

What was wrong with Elliot Rodger. From a psychological point of view we might have tried to rule out (or rule in) Narcissistic Personality Disorder as described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM V). To match this diagnosis an individual would need to exhibit at least 5 out of the 9 criteria.

has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
believes they are "special" and unique which separates them from others.
often a need for excessive admiration.
a strong sense of entitlement.
is interpersonally exploitative, that is they tend to take advantage of others vis-à-vis manipulations.
lacks empathy
is often envious of others
is often arrogant

From his own words and writings, it appears that Elliot Rodger matches 8 of the 9 criteria of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That is certainly a compelling argument for NPD.

Does NPD alone turn a person into a killer. The short answer is no. NPD, however, if left untreated and perhaps if it is co-morbid with other disorders certainly can set the stage for extreme and unpredictable behavior.

Something went wrong here. Our system failed Elliot Rodger and more importantly, the victims of his actions. According to numerous news reports Rodger was being treated by multiple counselors over the years. It's not clear if they had experience in treating disorders such as NPD. One thing is certain, if one of the "therapists" who treated Rodger had pick up the DSM (a mental health professional's equivalent to the bible) they would have had to work hard to not see the glaring evidence that would suggest Rodger was suffering from NPD and should have ordered further psychological assessments.

Symptom criteria summarized from:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fifth edition. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
or
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Therapy Nook - Mark Allison - Blog: Was the Santa Barbara Shooting a Tarasoff mandate ...

2014-05-24T21:30:00.001-07:00

Therapy Nook - Mark Allison - Blog: Was the Santa Barbara Shooting a Tarasoff mandate ...: Written by Mark Allison Tarasoff ruling states that a psychotherapist has a duty to protect or warn a reasonably identifiable third p...

Was the Santa Barbara Shooting a Tarasoff mandate failure?

2014-05-24T21:21:00.003-07:00

Written by Mark Allison

Tarasoff ruling states that a psychotherapist has a duty to protect or warn a reasonably identifiable third party (victim) if the therapist has reasonable suspicion that the patient poses a serious risk of inflicting serious bodily injury to the victim. According to numerous news reports, Elliot Rodger discussed plans to inflict harm onto his fellow students at University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB) campus through a series of YouTube video postings weeks before he actually executed his plans. At the time of these videos it has been stated that Rodger was under the care of a social worker (psychotherapist). If Rodger had discussed any of what he posted publicly with his therapist, would this be enough information to trigger a Tarasoff warning?

Would love to hear comments and opinions from readers and colleagues regarding Tarasoff and this case.

Suspected shooter, Elliot Rodger from Friday's YouTube
video he posted hours before the attack.

Mark Allison MFT Video introduction

2014-05-12T01:43:00.001-07:00

A video introduction to psychotherapy with Mark Allison

How To Fight Fairly

2014-04-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

LA Couples Therapy Presents a workshop on conflict resolution skills for couples.

The "How to Fight Fairly" workshop will teach you a deeper level of understanding about how fights happen,
the tools to communicate fairly and effectively,
and how to come out of your fight with a stronger understanding of each other.
To find out more click on LA Couples Link below.

How Do People Change

2014-04-24T02:06:00.001-07:00

Mark Allison discusses how people make lasting changes in their lives. A short discussion about Interpersonal neurobiology approach to change.

How Do People Change

2014-04-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

Mark Allison - thebeverlyhillstherapist.com

Mark Allison, Beverly Hills, 90210 | Counseling / Therapy, Marriage Counselor, Psychologist, Counseling, Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Couples, Grief, Loneliness, Divorce, Adolescents, Children, OCD, ADHD, Trauma, PTSD, Body Image, Eating Disorder, Sexual Disorder

2012-01-22T21:18:00.000-08:00

Mark Allison, Beverly Hills, 90210 | Counseling / Therapy, Marriage Counselor, Psychologist, Counseling, Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Couples, Grief, Loneliness, Divorce, Adolescents, Children, OCD, ADHD, Trauma, PTSD, Body Image, Eating Disorder, Sexual Disorder

Five Techniques for Avoiding Short-Sighted Decision-Making

2011-06-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

Posted on June 9, 2011 by Mark Allison

Five Techniques for Avoiding Short-Sighted Decision-Making

How to make decisions that are in your long-term interests without succumbing to short-term temptation.

We all have two people inside us. One is a party animal. He wants to get as much pleasure as he can right now. He wants to eat, drink, have sex and generally be merry.
The other is the boring guy. The kind who saves for a rainy day, eats healthily, never drinks too much, does the ‘right thing’ and probably irons his underpants as well.
We’ll call the first guy ‘Want’ and the second guy ‘Should’. The mental battle between Want and Should has been going on since most of us can remember. Maybe your Should guy usually wins the battle, or maybe your Want guy still runs amok every now and then.
These five techniques give you more ammunition in the battle between Want and Should, all based on solid psychological research (from Milkman et al., 2008):

1. Make the choice in advance

One of the best ways to fox the Want guy is to make the decision in advance. When we make decisions in advance it’s Should that’s in charge. Whatever area of life, whether it’s financial, dietary, work or any other, if you make the decision in advance, you’re likely to cut down on detrimental outcomes.

2. Compare similar options

Studies find that when people choose things without comparing the options their Want guy easily gets out of control. Without comparisons it’s easier for the Want guy to justify the bad decision. By comparing options, though, research finds that people are better able to make the choice that is in their long-term interests.

3. Avoid decisions under pressure

Spur-of-the-moment decisions are what the Want guy loves. When we make decisions under pressure, our basic desires are in charge. Try to avoid making decisions under pressure so that you can consider what you should do. When we give ourselves time to think, we’re much more likely to reach the right decision.

4. Make one-shot decisions

All sorts of weird things start happening when we imagine the choice we are making right now as one in a series. Often not good things. You see the Want guy is clever. He knows we love to lie to ourselves to get what we want. We tell ourselves things like: “I’ll have that cake now, then I’ll eat healthily for the rest of the week”.
No. No ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ and no tortuous logic to get what we want. Shut the Want guy down by making one-shot decisions. Am I going to be good or bad, right here, right now?

5. Use commitment devices

We can stop ourselves acting on impulse by committing ourselves to a course of action that is in our long-term interests. Commitment devices allow us to take the choice away from the Want guy.
Here are some methods people use to pre-commit to long-term interests:

Only buy ‘bad’ foods in small packet.
Sign up to the gym for a whole year.
Put money into a piggy bank that has to be smashed to get the money out. Grown-up equivalents include investment vehicles that lock money away.

Commitment devices are best when they are tailored to your own psychological preferences and circumstances. For example, if you’re well-off then a year’s gym membership might not be enough commitment to make you exercise. Or, if you don’t care about eating six small packets of a ‘bad’ food, one after the other, then this technique won’t work either.
You’ll have to discover what type of commitment device works for you. Whatever it is, make sure it’s solid or the Want guy will come and get you!
Image credit: Willem van de Kerkhof

10 Psychological Effects of Nonsexual Touch

2011-05-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

10 Psychological Effects of Nonsexual Touch

Psychological research on how a simple (nonsexual) touch can increase compliance, helping behaviour, attraction, and signal power.

To get around in the world, we mainly rely on our eyes and ears. Touch is a sense that's often forgotten.
But touch is also vital in the way we understand and experience the world. Even the lightest touch on the upper arm can influence the way we think. To prove it, here are 10 psychological effects which show just how powerful nonsexual touch can be.

1. Touch for money

A well-timed touch can encourage other people to return a lost item. In one experiment, users of a phone booth who were touched were more likely to return a lost dime to an experimenter (Kleinke, 1977). The action was no more than a light touch on the arm.
People will do more than that though; people will give a bigger tip to a waitress who has touched them (Crusco & Wetzel, 1984).
(Stop giggling at the back there!)

2. Touch for help

People are also more likely to provide help when touched. In one study, strangers who were touched lightly on the arm were more likely to help an experimenter pick up things they had dropped (Gueguen, 2003). The percentage of people who helped went up from 63% to 90%.

3. Touch for compliance

The power of a light touch on the upper arm often extends more broadly to compliance.
In a study by Willis and Hamm (1980), participants were asked to sign a petition. While 55% of those not touched agreed to sign it, this went up to 81% of those participants touched once on the upper arm. A second study asked people to fill in a questionnaire. The same touch increased compliance from 40% to 70%.

4. Touch twice for more compliance

And you can increase compliance with a second light touch on the arm.
Vaidis and Halimi-Falkowicz (2008) tried this out when asking people in the street to complete a questionnaire. Those touched twice were more likely to complete the questionnaire than those touched once. The effects were strongest when men were touched by a female surveyor.

5. Or, touch for a fight!

However, the acceptability of touch, especially between men, depends a lot on culture.
When Dolinski (2010) carried out a compliance experiment in Poland, he got quite different results for men and women. In Poland men asked to do the experimenter a favour reacted badly to a light touch on the arm. This seemed to be related to higher levels of homophobia. Women, however, still reacted positively to touch.

6. Touch to sell your car

Unlike Poland, France has a contact culture and touching is acceptable between two men. So French researchers Erceau and Gueguen (2007) approached random men at a second-hand car market. Half were touched lightly on the arm for 1 second, the other half weren't.
Afterwards those who had been touched rated the seller as more sincere, friendly, honest, agreeable and kind. Not bad for a 1-second touch. We can safely assume the results would have been quite different in Poland!

7. Touch for a date

You won't be surprised to hear that men show more interest in a woman who has lightly touched them. But here's the research anyway: Gueguen (2010) found men easily misinterpreted a light nonsexual touch on the arm as a show of sexual interest.
Perhaps more surprisingly women also responded well to a light touch on the arm when being asked for their phone number by a man in the street (Gueguen, 2007). This may be because women associated a light 1 or 2-second touch with greater dominance. (Bear in mind, though, that this research was in France again!)

8. Touch for power

Touch communicates something vital about power relationships. Henley (1973) observed people in a major city as they went about their daily business. The people who tended to touch others (versus those being touched) were usually higher status. Generally we regard people who touch others as having more power in society (Summerhayes & Suchner, 1978).

9. Touch to communicate

Touch comes in many different forms and can communicate a variety of different emotions. Just how much can be communicated through touch alone is demonstrated by one remarkable study by Hertenstein et al. (2006).
Using only a touch on the forearm, participants in this study tried to communicate 12 separate emotions to another person. The receiver, despite not being able to see the toucher, or the touch itself, were pretty accurate for anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude and sympathy. Accuracy ranged from 48% to 83%.
To put it in context, that is as good as we can do when we can see someone's face.

10. Massage for maths

So, if you can do all that with a touch, imagine what you could do with a massage!
Well, one study has found that it can boost your maths skills (Field, 1996). Compared with a control group, participants who received massages twice a week for 5 weeks were not only more relaxed but also did better on a maths test. Once again, witness the incredible power of touch.

Boring disclaimer

All of these studies rely on the touch being appropriate. Being touched can have quite different meanings depending on situation, culture and gender. Generally the touch referred to is a light touch on the upper arm—the safest place to touch someone you don't know.
Also, research has identified a small proportion of people—both men and women—who don't like to be touched at all during everyday social interactions. These people are not likely to respond positively in any of these situations.
Image credit: Julian Coutinho

Unusual Thinking Styles Increase Creativity

2011-05-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

Psychological research reveals how rational versus intuitive thinking can inspire new ideas.

The idea of creativity is wonderful: that a spark of inspiration can eventually bring something new and useful into the world, perhaps even something beautiful. Something, as it were, from nothing.
That spark may only be the start of a journey towards the finished article or idea, but it is still a wonderful moment. Without the initial spark there will be no journey. It’s no exaggeration to say that our ability to be creative sits at the heart of our achievements as a species.

Do incentives work?

So, how do you encourage creativity in yourself and in others? I discuss this question of how to be creative in my recent ebook on creativity. There I describe six principles, based on psychological research, that can be used to understand and increase creativity.
But, what methods do people naturally use to encourage creativity? In the creative industries the usual method is money, or some other related incentive. So, can incentives encourage people to be creative?
According to the research, they can, but crucially these incentives need to emphasise that creativity is the goal (Eisenberger & Shanock, 2003). Studies find that if people are given an incentive for just completing a task, it doesn’t increase their creativity (Amabile et al., 1986). In fact, incentives linked to task completion (rather than creativity) can reduce creativity.
Another way of encouraging creativity is simply to be reminded that creativity is a goal. It seems too simple to be true, but research has found that just telling people to ‘be creative’ increases their creativity (e.g. Chen et al., 2005).
The theory is that this works because people often don’t realise they’re supposed to be looking for creative solutions. This is just as true in the real world as it is in psychology experiments. We get so wrapped up in deadlines, clients, costs and all the rest that it’s easy to forget to search for creative solutions.
People need to be told that creativity is a goal. Unlike children, adults need to be reminded about the importance of creativity. Perhaps it’s because so much of everyday life encourages conformity and repeating the same things you did before. Doing something different needs a special effort.

Rational versus intuitive thinking

However telling someone to ‘be creative’ is a bit like telling them to ‘be more clever’ or ‘be more observant’. We want to shout: “Yes, but how?!”
Along with the techniques I suggest in my ebook, another insight comes from a new study on stimulating creativity. This suggests one solution may lie in using an unusual thinking style—unusual, that is, to you (Dane et al., 2011). Let me explain…
When trying to solve problems that need creative solutions, broadly people have been found to approach them in one of two ways:

Rationally: by using systematic patterns of thought. This involves relying on specific things you’ve learnt in the past, thinking concretely and ignoring gut instincts.
Intuitively: by setting the mind free to explore associations. This involves working completely on first impressions and whatever comes to mind while ignoring what you’ve learnt in the past.

The researchers wondered if people’s creativity could be increased by encouraging them to use the pattern of thinking that was most unusual to them. So, those people who naturally preferred to approach creative problems rationally, were asked to think intuitively. And the intuitive group was asked to think rationally for a change.
Participants were given a real-world problem to solve: helping a local business expand. The results were evaluated by managers from the company involved. When they looked at the results, the manipulation had worked: people were more creative when they used the thinking style that was most unusual for them.
One of the reasons this may work is that consciously adopting a different strategy stops your mind going down the same well-travelled paths. We all have habitual ways of approaching problems and while habits are sometimes useful, they can also produce the same results over and over again.
A limitation of this study is that it only looked at the generation of new ideas. This tends to occur mostly at the start of the creative process. So once ideas have been generated and a more analytical mindset is required, these techniques may not work so well (I discuss this balance between a wandering and focused mind in principle six of my ebook).
Image credit: gfpeck

Therapy Nook | Mark Allison | Psychotherapist

Relationships with Narcissistic Individuals

'Hurting you hurt me more'

The battle cry of the narcissist

Toxic Relationships

9 Signs you could be dating a person who has Narcissistic or Borderline Personality traits.

By Mark Allison LMFT

What just happened?

Fair Rules Of Engagement

Fair Rules Of Engagement

The art of couples' conflict resolution

Therapy Nook - Mark Allison: Fair Rules Of Engagement

Martin Luther King Jr: Finding Hope Inside of Each of Us

By Mark Allison, MFT., Beverly Hills Therapy

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

13 Secrets Of Happily Married Couples

Resentful Compliance vs Commitment

Santa Barabara Massacre: Up The Downward Spiral Of A Psychotic Mind

Complete unedited manifesto can be found here.

Therapy Nook - Mark Allison - Blog: Was the Santa Barbara Shooting a Tarasoff mandate ...

Was the Santa Barbara Shooting a Tarasoff mandate failure?

Mark Allison MFT Video introduction

A video introduction to psychotherapy with Mark Allison

How To Fight Fairly

The "How to Fight Fairly" workshop will teach you a deeper level of understanding about how fights happen, the tools to communicate fairly and effectively, and how to come out of your fight with a stronger understanding of each other. To find out more click on LA Couples Link below.

How Do People Change

How Do People Change

Mark Allison - thebeverlyhillstherapist.com

Mark Allison, Beverly Hills, 90210 | Counseling / Therapy, Marriage Counselor, Psychologist, Counseling, Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, Couples, Grief, Loneliness, Divorce, Adolescents, Children, OCD, ADHD, Trauma, PTSD, Body Image, Eating Disorder, Sexual Disorder

Five Techniques for Avoiding Short-Sighted Decision-Making

Five Techniques for Avoiding Short-Sighted Decision-Making

1. Make the choice in advance

2. Compare similar options

3. Avoid decisions under pressure

4. Make one-shot decisions

5. Use commitment devices

10 Psychological Effects of Nonsexual Touch

10 Psychological Effects of Nonsexual Touch

1. Touch for money

2. Touch for help

3. Touch for compliance

4. Touch twice for more compliance

5. Or, touch for a fight!

6. Touch to sell your car

7. Touch for a date

8. Touch for power

9. Touch to communicate

10. Massage for maths

Boring disclaimer

Unusual Thinking Styles Increase Creativity

Do incentives work?

Rational versus intuitive thinking

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

The "How to Fight Fairly" workshop will teach you a deeper level of understanding about how fights happen,
the tools to communicate fairly and effectively,
and how to come out of your fight with a stronger understanding of each other.
To find out more click on LA Couples Link below.