There are no mistakes...

Heart Attack or Covid????

2021-09-08T18:40:00.003-07:00

I had my first covid symptoms two weeks ago (to the day). It was the end of my work day, my throat was on fire and I was exhausted. I tested positive the following morning, and Shaun and I started our 10 days of isolation. Days 1 to 8 went by quite quickly - I displayed mostly minor symptoms. Then day 9 happened....

At 15h21 on day 9 my friend Lana called. She had returned from abroad, and we had a little catch up session. While chatting to her I had an episode of some sort. I still cannot describe what happened - just am not able to put into words what I felt. It felt like a panic attack of sorts, or like something had gone very wrong in the inner workings of my body, like my head and chest were about to explode, like I was going to cry and vomit, like my entire body was in pain, like my body was going to stop working. All of these, and more.

Shaun did not know what to do, and I screamed and swore at him in my panic. He called an ambulance. While waiting for the ambulance (they took FOREVER), and once the initial symptoms had decreased slightly in their intensity, Shaun helped me down the stairs to the bathroom, and then into the guest bedroom closest to the front door. The paramedics arrived, took my vitals (they were all normal), and told me that they believed it was a heart attack. My heart, soul, spirit and courage had been knocked out of me in one sentence. In 2009 a defective heart nearly killed me, so I believed they were right. After telling me I would be put into a Covid ward at hospital, I decided to stay at home. The last thing I wanted after a heart attack was to be reinfected with a different Covid strain.

We started informing family and friends that we thought I had had a heart attack, but that I was okay at home. Our friend Julie was not having it, and sent me off to the ER. Shaun drove me to the ER where they did an ECG, revealing that I had not had a heart attack at all. My vitals were all normal, they gave me 2 Valiums and sent me home. At this stage, the symptoms had decreased in their intensity, but they were still very present.

We got back home a few mins before the 10pm curfew. We have 2 cats. When we arrived home, Einstein was waiting at the door, but Kitsy was nowhere to be found, and she did not respond when we called her. We found her on the bed where the paramedics had seen me. She wouldn't get up. I put my hand on her to show her that her Daddy was okay. I spoke to her, caressed her. She looked at me with doe eyes, and I lied down next to her. Kitsy took my hand, held onto it tightly with both her paws, and looked straight into my eyes. She wouldn't allow anything to distract her, not even Einstein climbing over the 2 of us. I don't know how long we stayed in this position, but it was a long while before she let me go.

We went to bed, and by that time the Valiums had already taken effect and I fell asleep almost immediately. I had the most terrible dreams. Dreams where I was fully aware of what was happening around me in our bedroom, I knew I was dreaming, but couldn't wake up. Shaun got up during the night to check my vitals. I felt him doing this while dreaming, but couldn't wake up. At one stage my convulsions woke him and he rubbed my back. His touch stopped the body shakes, but not the dreams. When the first dream ended, I couldn't breathe, and neither could Kitsy. She was sleeping on me, and when I choked and was unable to breathe, she choked too, jumped off the bed, coughed a few times, then recovered. I heard all of this while I was sleeping.

The dream was like a TV without an aerial auto searching for channels. I saw scenes from my life move across my vision so fast, accompanied by the feelings associated with them, causing convulsions. After Kitsy left I knew I was dying, and I just wanted it to end. I don't remember my next dream, but I remember preparing myself for death. Worrying about how Shaun would react to waking next to my corpse.

When our daily 5am alarm went off I was happy. Happy that I'd die with Shaun and we'd get to say goodbye. Shaun woke up and I told him I was going soon, and that he had to hold me. He did. I didn't go though.

We tried to call the ambulance but there was no answer, so Shaun took me back to the ER. Once there, the same doctor saw me, told me my vitals were still normal and that I could go home. I refused, and told him to check me into the COVID ward.

When I started writing this I didn't realise how long it would be. I'll continue the story soon, still lots more to tell...

Patrick MacMinn - In loving memory

2020-07-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

My dad was an Anglican priest when I was growing up. He only got his calling when he was in his late thirties, which meant that we moved around quite a bit when I was in primary school, and I often had to change schools.

We moved to Mitchell's Plain when I was 10 (Standard 4, 1989). I met Patrick at my new school. I always had trouble making friends when I changed schools. One month after starting at Parkhurst Primary, a week before my eleventh birthday, Patrick and I bunked a tennis lesson together. That tennis lesson was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

We lost contact in high school (Patrick had made some new friends), but in our matric year Patrick tracked me down. We met at Westgate Mall, and it was as if we had just seen each other the day before. Both of us were still in the closet, but we were not in the closet to each other. We didn't even come out to each other, we were just ourselves naturally. We spent the next few years together - we saw each other everyday, and when we weren't with each other, we were on the phone together.

When I went into my first serious relationship, he was the one who told me straight away that the guy was bad for me. He was right, even though it took me twelve years to realise that he was. When I was getting to know my husband, Patrick was the person I called and visited to discuss the difficult decisions I had to make. My marriage to Shaun gave Patrick so much joy.

Patrick knew all my secrets - he was the only person I trusted for years and years with my most painful and embarrassing secrets. Through the years we often lost touch, but not for long. We couldn't stay away from each other for long.

Patrick became more and more reclusive from about his 30th year. This led to fear of the unknown - the unknown was anything outside of his house. It should have put a strain on our relationship, but we had too much love for each other to allow anything to put a strain on it. I visited him at home, and we had WhatsApp conversations that would go on for hours.

Despite his fear, Patrick was a fiercely loyal and loving friend. There was nothing I could tell him that would lead to judgement of any sort. He was always in my corner, and loved me with his entire being. I once ended up in the emergency room with heart failure. Patrick had a panic attack when he found out about this.

In the last year we lost touch again. My stubbornness made me wait for him to make contact because I was the one who made contact more often, and it was his turn...

Patrick made contact today.

No.

Omar, his life partner, made contact today. My best friend died an hour ago. I allowed my stubbornness to take away a year I could have spent with him. I'm heartbroken. I don't even know what happened and how he died. I am so sorry Patrick.

In loving memory of my friend

(Kiaan) Patric MacMinn

27th October 1977 - 7th July 2020

Know that you are loved!

I am so sorry that I only did this now. You so much wanted me to dedicate ONE BLOG POST to you. I am devastated that I did it one hour too late. I will always love you Patrick.

Life Skills - Sjoe!

2019-11-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in years now, but I have always found blogging very therapeutic.

I find myself at a Life Skills Clinic this morning. After a few panic attacks, a lovely doctor in an emergency room had me checked into here. I had never heard of one of these places before. I did not know they existed. I've heard of people going to clinic for stress, but had no idea.

So it's a very cheerful place. Lots of light, huge bedrooms and bathrooms, all the privacy we need. Medication is administered on time, so we don't even need to think of that. Lots of friendly staff and patients, and amazing food.

Alot of free time. I go through life with a nervous knot in my tummy. It is always there. I fear new experiences - I love travelling for example, but always want to cancel the trip the day before.

This morning I have nothing to worry about, nothing at all. All my needs are taken care of. But you know what? I have a nervous knot in my stomach. I am also terrified. I don't know if it's the impending group therapy session? Or fear of my responsibilities for this week? But I'm scared.

That's it for today. I'll keep writing while I'm here. Iove to share.

Almal wil 'n huisie by die see he

2017-09-09T04:44:00.001-07:00

The Afrikaans song 'Almal wil 'n huisie by die see he' has been playing over and over in my head for the last two months.

Shaun and I have been house-hunting for the last five years. Yes, you heard correctly - 5 years! Five years of getting our hopes up and having them shattered by dishonest estate agents. Five years of getting our friends and families excited, and having to bear the horrible news that the deal fell through - AGAIN! Five years of feeling like a failure, because I couldn't make this happen...

It was absolutely awful. I do not understand why we place so much pressure on ourselves to live up to the expectations that we THINK society places on us. Nobody was disappointed in me because I didn't own a house. Nobody felt that I was less of a man because of it. Yet I carried that burden that I had placed on myself. A HEAVY burden. I would continue with this thought, and I will in another blog post soon, but not today. For today, A HEAVY BURDEN will suffice. But that is not what I want to talk about today...

So my story starts some time in mid-March of this year. After many late nights of looking for property online, Shaun and I decided we would have to widen our choice of suburbs in our search for the perfect property for our family of four (Jeremy, Shaun, Kitsy and Einstein). We called a few agents, and set up about 4 viewings for potential properties.

The first property we viewed was a lot more expensive than what we could afford, but we viewed it anyway. It was a lovely home with unlimited potential in a great area. We had our reservations about the place, and knew it was too expensive. It offered more than we needed, so we decided to move on.

We then set up 3 appointments with 3 different agents 3 days in a row - all in the same area. Each of these agents gave us trouble with our appointments. They struggled to set up viewings, and then kept moving our times. We did not realise at the time that all three properties were in the same security complex, and that security was so tight in the complex that estate agents had a difficult time arranging viewings. After our horrible experiences in the past, we were scared. There was one agent who stood out though: a smooth-talking guy named Meredith who I dealt with. For some reason Meredith earned my trust, but not Shaun's. I called him once on the car's speaker phone while Shaun was with me. Shaun listened to Meredith apologise for cancelling another appointment, while working his charm and making promises. When he hung up, Shaun said he was lying. He went on to say he sounded just like all the others. I listened, waited a few moments and told Shaun I trust him. Shaun told me he didn't want me to get my hopes up and get hurt yet again.

Meredith came through, and on the 28th March he showed us a duplex on the beachfront in Capricorn (Muizenberg). The condition of the place was not good. There had been tenants in the duplex for YEARS. It looked horrible. I walked through the house with Shaun. The back doors could not open. There was no key. The garage door could not open for the same reason. The bathroom window could not close. The light fittings were rusty and had 8 years of accumulated dirt on them. The curtain rails were rusty. The walls were drilled full of holes. The stove was rusted. There were holes in the melamine counter. The kitchen cupboards had water damage. The roof had leaked at some stage and the cornice had never been repaired...

We walked through the mess in silence, both of us afraid to like it in case the other didn't. Equally afraid to make the agent feel too confident about a sale. We pointed out the faults to each other and the agent, and commented continually about how small the house was. We thanked the agent and walked back to the car, each of us searching the other's face for a hint of his thoughts. Once we had driven around the corner, we both smiled. Despite the mess, it was home for us both immediately. No reservations whatsoever. Fear that we would not have the resources to fix it up, but an utter certainty that this was set out for our family.

Shaun was right. I had given up on finding a property 9 months earlier. I told him I was finished, that we would rent forever, that I could not cope with the disappointment of this process anymore. He reminded me that everything happens for a reason, and that we would find our home when the time was right. I told him we was wrong. Shaun was right.

We moved in on 24th June. A friend from church, 2 work colleagues, another guy, 2 bakkies, a trailer, an old Mercedes-Benz and I trekked down the M5....twice.... Shaun had to MARK! We got everything into the garage.

About 20 minutes after we had gotten everything in, Auntie Yvonne, Lynne and Celeste arrived with supper. They visited for a few hours. It was awesome. We unpacked, tried to settle the cats unsuccessfully, and went to sleep. The following morning, we woke up to this:

Yes mense, that's the view from our balcony. We are truly blessed.

38 today

2016-03-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

It's my 38th birthday today. The day is almost over, but I want to record my memories before I forget.

Shaun is away, and has been since January. I knew he'd be away for my birthday, so I made no official plans for the day - I just knew it would be terrible without him. It wasn't.

My birthday celebration started 4 days ago: Mommy (my mom-in-law) flew me to Kimberley for the weekend so that Shaun and I could spend some time together. We stayed with our cousins Morgan and Hannie, who welcomed us into their home and their hearts. They took me to The Big Hole and we played Uno Extreme (I MUST buy this game). Since I've lost 15kg (YAY), all my pants are too big, and Shaun decided to remedy this. He took me clothing shopping. We visited every clothing store in the mall, but I found nothing I wanted. I then started looking at silver bracelets - I bought one in Mauritius that I really liked, but it broke a few years ago. This was also unsuccesful. We continued browsing, until I realised what I really wanted - a silver cross. Our spiritual journey is becoming really important to us both, and I finally want a crucifix of my own. I chose a silver cross with a black stone in the centre, the arms of the cross are little fish with crystals, on a black chain.

Thank you Shaun.

I was up late last night (1am) marking. When I finally got to bed, I was so worried that I would only have 5 hours of sleep. When my alarm woke me after 5 hours I was not in a great mood, but then Shaun phoned a few minutes after I woke. I was barely finished speaking with him when Mommy and Daddy (in-law) called. By the time I ended the phone call, my inbox and Facebook were full of birthday wishes - and these just kept on coming.

I arrived at school later than usual. As I left my car and headed for the building, I saw Heloise (one of my colleagues) standing there. She had already been to my class to look for me, and continued her search. I was greeted and wished with coffee and a happy birthday video clip - and a very special hug.

While walking to my classroom, I heard "Happy Birthday Sir" echoing in the passages, and while I was unlocking my door the "Happy Birthday" song was sung. Throughout the day, kids stuck their heads into my room to wish me well.

I am a Home Room Tutor (register teacher) at my school. I unlocked my homeroom at 8am to take register, but there was only one child waiting for me. The two of us entered and started talking to each other - wondering if we had missed a memo of sorts. One more boy arrived. At about 8:06, I heard "Happy Birthday" coming down the passage. My homeroom kids made me a card and all of them wrote in it. They also had balloons that they had written messages on. It was 08:06.

My phone NEVER STOPPED vibrating all day - in fact, it just vibrated again...

Robyn (one of our daughters) came to visit at 10h30 - and she left at 19h00. She spent the entire day with me: observing quietly while I was teaching, and taking over Cabaret rehearsals when kids were not performing well. They are so scared of her! She left briefly, but I will explain why in a bit.

I had a good day at school. At 4pm, my Cabaret rehearsal started. Robyn returned at around 5pm with a box. When I opened it I knew that it was from Shaun (remember, he's in Kimberley). At the same time it arrived, he messaged me saying: "...everybody should get to eat cake on their birthday. It's a banting cake, by the way..."

I should have taken a pic BEFORE we started eating it.

After the rehearsal, I went back to my classroom to pack up my things and go home. As I was about to leave, Ronel (another colleague, and one of my friends for YEARS now) said she wanted to take me out for dinner. Ronel, her daughter Nobuhle and I went to Cavendish Square. When we got there, Nobuhle went straight to Simply Asia. I have known Nobuhle since Ronel was pregnant with her, and I can't deny her much: it had to be Simply Asia. Dinner was lovely, company was great, and it was a fitting end to a surprisingly beautiful birthday.

People have been sending me messages all day. I feel so loved and special. It is 11:09pm, and 2 more just came through. I want to end this blog with my 3 favourite messages of the day:

1. For those of you who have seen my tattoo, you will know how special this pic that Shaun sent me is:

2. Robyn (older daughter) and I never EVER get emotional about each other, or share our feelings with each other. When I read this post (during a Cabaret rehearsal nogal), I thanked God for the dark auditorium that prevented the kids from seeing my tears.

3. Cindy (younger daughter) followed with this - she was not going to be outdone by Robyn! I love these girls.

I am blessed! I wish I could continue writing and tell you about the messages my choir members sent me, wishes from Waterfront Theatre School graduates, or the phone call from Mamma en Pappa, the great rehearsal I had with the kids, dinner with Mel last night, chatting to Maria...

If there's one thing I was reminded of today, it is that I am LOVED! If wealth was measured on how much we love, or are loved, then I am an extremely wealthy man.

Thank you to everyone who helps to make my life beautiful.

I can't stop smiling - my last phone call (I think it'll be my last) of the day was from my brother George about five minutes ago...

bAnTiNg

2016-02-08T10:57:00.001-08:00

Yes people, I am BANTING! I have always laughed at the banters and said I will never ever go there. It turns out I lied...

In the latter half of 2015, a parent of one of the girls at my school came to see me. The girl was leaving the school, and the father came to ask about musical activities and theatrical opportunities his daughter could participate in in the outside world. When he knocked on my door, I didn't recognise him. I noticed his daughter behind him and realised that this slim healthy looking man was the same one I had seen two years earlier at least thirty kilograms heavier. After helping him as much as I could, I asked how he had lost so much weight. His response was: I'll tell you, but you're not going to like it. Banting.

His was the second transformation I had seen in a very short time. I made a mental note that I had to check out this banting thing properly, but I forgot.

We go to Goudini with my in-laws every year during the December holidays. I do not like t-shirts, but I own a couple for times like our Goudini holiday. While at Goudini, I dug out some t-shirts that I had not worn in months. When I put them on, I realised for the first time in my life that I was one of those uncles whose tummy hangs out of the bottom of his t-shirt. I had never been that uncle before! When did I get that big, and how had I not noticed? Shaun responded in the most loving way (as usual) reminding me that I am beautiful. He then took me to the mall to get longer t-shirts so that I would feel comfortable while we were on holiday. When we got back to the chalet I took out his tablet, logged on to takealot.com and ordered the Tim Noakes banting book.

We came back to Cape Town on the second of January, and my book arrived on the fourth. I started reading and shopping, but knew I would have to wait until the eighth of January to start banting. My dad's birthday was on the 7th, and I was going to be at that party.

I started on January eighth, and the first twelve days were HELL! I had diarrhoea for ten days, had two fevers within that time, my mouth tasted like a rat had died in it, I was exhausted all the time and I had a headache that no tablet could soothe. I was so worried that this eating plan would kill me! I searched online for people who had had a similar experience, and everyone was just on about Oh I felt so amazing, My IBS completely disappeared, I have so much energy, My piles just vanished... I felt like the Grim Reaper himself was standing at my bed. My body went into shock on day 8 and I ended up in the emergency room!

I searched through my friends on Facebook who were part of a banting group and found one (who looks amazing by the way). She was a student of mine once. I asked her about how the first week was for her, and she confirmed it was horrible. I then inboxed the Banting Support Group on Facebook; they replied within an hour telling me this was normal for some people. By this time Shaun was also saying Maybe this diet isn't for you. He was so worried, that he would not leave me alone for a second when I came home from school in the afternoon. The message from the support group was very encouraging, and I decided I would do fourteen days before I gave up on this diet that was obviously gonna kill me.

My tummy started to settle on Day eleven (but was still crappy for at least another week). The headaches stopped 'round day twelve, and my second fever went away by day nine. I still felt tired though, as I entered week three. From week three on....

Today is our one month anniversary: Banting and Jeremy. We had a rocky start, but right now I feel great. I realised in the last week or two that I'm not really tired during the day anymore, my IBS has almost completely disappeared (it improves daily), I sleep through the night, I don't sweat half as much as I used to, and I just feel happier. Still waiting for that feeling lighter on your feet sensation - can't wait to feel that. It feels like this will actually work for me, and I am super excited.

For those of you still laughing at us banters: I don't mind that you laugh, or that you think it is silly. I just have one request: please stop asking us whether we are going to eat like this for the rest of our lives, and commenting that it is way too much sacrifice. It is not easy to lose weight (I have been on diets since I was 10). It is not easy to get to the point where you believe that your health and your shattered self-image are worth the effort.

Us fatties feel inferior to you guys all day and everyday. We walk in public everyday with our tummies pulled in hoping that nobody notices the sweat on our brow, our soiled shirts, or the funny way we walk because our legs are chaffing. We walk up the stairs, and when we get to the top we are out of breath, but we cannot let on because someone might call us lazy or idle. Once we have dressed, we look in the full length mirror a few times to make sure NO skin is sticking out - God forbid someone should see what we really look like under our clothes.

Asking me whether I am going to eat like this for the rest of my life is destructive. Losing weight is DIFFICULT. V E R Y D I F F I C U L T. Giving up sugar has been very difficult for me. I don't miss the bread, potatoes and rice. I miss sweet coffee and tea, jelly babies, marshmallows, mebos, fruit... Saying no to sugar everyday is a challenge: when I make my coffee the sugar is right there, and for a month now I have not had any. I believe I can do this for the rest of my life, and you asking this question of me sows a seed of doubt. So please don't.

I'm going to continue banting. I want to be healthy for myself and for Shaun. I don't want to be shy when we go swimming. I don't want to be embarrassed because I feel I'm too fat to go skipping with him. I don't want to be too unfit to go dancing with him. I want us to do everything both of us ever wanted, so I cannot afford to be unhealthy or heavy on my feet. This is exciting, and I believe it's gonna work this time!

So how much weight have I lost in 31 days?
11kg

It Doesn't Matter Where You Are From

2015-08-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

My beautiful friend Maria posted this on her facebook wall yesterday:

It's something I've seen before, but never really thought about...

Shaun and I have been together for nearly five years now! Yet I still find myself looking at my previous relationship: searching for answers. My past often comes up when I have my weekly heart-to-heart chats with my parents. The three of us are constantly looking for answers in my past: answers that might explain the relationships I have had to give up (and my parents too because they love me and support my decisions). There are nights when we can contemplate nothing else. My (very) protective and amazing mother sometimes gets so emotional that Pappa and I steer the conversation in a completely different direction.

I believe these conversations are necessary not only for myself, but them. They seek closure for the twelve years of my life that I didn't have heart-to-heart conversations with them - well, except for that time I wrote off someone else's car, and that other time when I nearly died from a heart problem. I just want to spend time with my inspirational parents, and make up for the years that I have lost. Time that I gave up willingly, and without a fight. That is the past...

...all that matters is where you are going...

Since Shaun and I found each other, my life is going in a whole different direction. We are (slowly but surely) building a future (that neither of us thought was possible) along with our parents. We see my parents more because they live in Cape Town, but when Mummy and Daddy are in town, Mamma and Pappa know where we will be. We watch (and admire) each other's growth professionally, and are both amazed at the way other people tell us that they are inspired by us. Old friendships, new friendships, re-kindled friendships, our children and a kick-ass choir keep us busy on the personal front.

One of the most special parts of our relationship is that we are growing together spiritually. Both of us are Christians and decided it was important to worship together. Shaun came over to the Anglican church. Don't get me wrong, we don't always agree on our interpretation of the bible, but we are figuring it out together. We have found a spiritual home at Christ Church Constantia: a Christian community that loves us as a unit. There was a moment at church last year that I will never forget, and that I am eternally grateful for. Sunday 13th July 2014 at the end of the 9:15 service: we had gotten married on the 5th July, and only informed everybody of our union on the 6th July. When we went back to church for the first time on the 13th, the leadership congratulated us and presented us with a wedding gift during the mass. WOW!

To (try and) summarise my thoughts this morning: both Shaun and I have made many mistakes in our past. Not just little things, but BIG OBVIOUS wrongs that the whole world knew was JUST WRONG from the moment we started them. Justifying bad decisions is just futile - yet it is something we all do. Rather than put it down as silliness, we explain our state of mind and situation at the time to everybody that will lend us an ear.

It doesn't matter where you are coming from; all that matters is where you are going.

To me, this doesn't mean that we must forget the past, or never speak about it. Sometimes we pretend that the past never happened. When we do this, it often comes back to bite us in the @*$%. There are lessons for us all to learn from our pasts. The necessary change is just a little adjustment: turn your focus away from the path you have walked, and focus on the path that lies ahead.

A Message on our 1st Anniversary

2015-07-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since I wrote a blog. So what do I write about? I went through all my old blogs a little while back and realised that they trace my development as a human being over the last couple of years. This blog is also an account of the end of one part of my life, and the start of a whole different part. So it feels to me that the blog about our wedding might be a good end to my life as a blogger? After all, it is the ultimate climax...

So what to write about now?

When people started reading my blog and commenting on it, the one comment that kept me writing was "you say what I think but am afraid to say". My mom once told me that I was very brave to write down my feelings so freely (I have gotten into plenty of trouble because of this). So the question I need to ask myself is "what have I not spoken about yet?"

It was our first wedding anniversary on Sunday. I can hardly believe we have been married for a year already! When I was twenty-something I once asked somebody to marry me. I got an emphatic NO, and was convinced it would never happen. Fortunately, the universe had other plans...

Our anniversary started like any other Sunday: we woke up at 6 to prepare for church. I played for the 7:30, 9:15 and 11am services that morning. The gospel reading this past Sunday was Mark 6. It's when Jesus went to his hometown, and his own people did not take Him seriously. He was thus unable to perform as many miracles as He had in other towns. It felt like Donald Stewart was speaking directly to me during the sermon. I realised that our ministry does not necessarily lie with the people we love the most. Jesus had to go away from His family in order to fulfil his role in the world...

There are many people in my past who want nothing to do with me anymore. I have been holding onto the hope that one day we would reconcile. The sermon on Sunday made me realise that it is okay to let them go. This does not mean that I do not love them! It is my love for them that has kept me holding onto the pain. My definition of love might differ from yours: love (to me) is being available when people need you - and I am! So I let go. I spoke to my parents about this on Sunday night. Pappa understood and agreed. Mamma has a different definition of love, and we debated for a bit, but she agreed that what I decided was best for me.

It was during the 9:15 service that the floodgates opened: Shaun and I never go up for communion together (because I am the organist), but because it was our anniversary we celebrated the sacrament of communion as a unit. While waiting at the communion rail, Connie came and prayed for us: giving thanks to God for us and our union, and asking Him to bless us in our marriage. This token of love and acceptance is not something that homosexual couples are used to - especially not in the church - and I was moved to tears. In this state of heightened emotion, I went to the piano and started playing and singing the next hymn: "Amazing Grace". I did not get very far. While singing "I once was lost but now am found", I remembered that it was Lester's (my deceased brother's) 41st birthday too. This worsened when I realised that I had chosen one of his favourite choruses "Give Thanks" to follow "Amazing Grace". When the sacrament ended, I had to dry my face and calm down before I could get up and walk back to the organ. I spent the rest of the morning (and the drive to lunch) grieving for my brother.

We went to the restaurant where we had our wedding reception for lunch - and ate way too much - and spent the rest of the afternoon with my mom and dad. We just had a lekker gesels about whatever came up, and it was beautiful. We spent the evening together at home.

My mom is always on my case about having children. I've told her many times that if the world wants us to have children, it will send them our way - and it did. Our daughter Robyn was the first person to wish us on our anniversary, and our daughter Cindy the last... Shaun's parents, brothers and cousins all wished us for our anniversary, the people from church wished us, our friends wished us. It was a beautiful day!

I guess the timing of the sermon message was just perfect! I was told to let go on our anniversary. The only people who wished us from my side of the family was my mommy and daddy. I thought for a second I would end my blog with the previous sentence, but that would just have been for dramatic purposes. I am not sad about it at all. My entire childhood was spent in the church, and I am so happy that the answer to one of my most difficult questions was answered there.

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind, but now I see

Our Wedding Day

2014-07-08T15:56:00.001-07:00

Shaun gave me a surprise wedding!

On Saturday 5th July, my brother Lester celebrated his 40th birthday in heaven. It's his 9th birthday without us already. It gets more and more difficult each year. But this was a big one, and I wanted to do something special on the day. I was booked for a gig, and took a few mins in my set to play a tribute to him. I made sure my parents attended the gig: I was going to ensure that we did not forget. Little did I know.....

It all started about a month or two ago, when my mom was admitted to hospital. We went to see her, and I was torn apart when I saw the condition she was in. The reality of our mortality REALLY affected me that day. That night I just fell apart emotionally. I couldn't stop thinking about how helpless she looked in hospital. Among many other things, I told Shaun that I wanted us to consider having a smaller wedding sooner. We had spoken to our parents about the possibility of a December 2015 wedding, and Shaun's mom had already started choosing the table settings. I told him that if something happened to my parents before we got married, I would never forgive myself. My mom got worse in hospital, and by the end of the week I was sick with worry.

That was when Shaun phoned his mother. He told her his wishes, and they started to make it happen. First thing was to ask for my parents' permission. He went to them, asked for permission to marry, and asked my dad to preside at the ceremony. My dad is a retired priest. He got their blessing, and my dad agreed. He also asked them if they thought it would be okay for us to get married on Lester's 40th birthday (I'm in tears again). They thought it would be an excellent idea.

Over the next month and a half, rings were made, restaurants and hotels were visited, a guesthouse function venue was booked, our brothers and their families were invited, decor was planned, co-conspirators were found....

The story (according to Shaun) on the 5th was that his mom had booked dinner at a fancy restaurant for us. He bought me shoes and a jacket, because I 'needed new clothes' which he insisted I wear to this dinner......that we were having at 3:30 in the afternoon. We showered at the guesthouse and got dressed - both of us in new clothes. I wore the jacket and shoes, and Shaun wore a new waistcoat I had bought him for his birthday. His parents were picking us up.

When I was ready, I wanted to go to my mom's room (she was staying at the same guesthouse) because Shaun was taking forever to get done. He begged me not to go and said he wanted to ask me something. Eventually he put on his shirt and waistcoat, went down on one knee, produced a ring, and asked me to marry him.....

I didn't say yes, I just (stubbornly) held back the tears and hugged him. He asked again. I didn't respond. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to marry him. I responded (rather irritably) that he knew what the answer was. Again he asked, and I gave the answer he wanted. His response was 'come with me'.

As we left to go to my mom's room I mumbled that I was not gonna tell them straight away that we were engaged. While walking down the passage, I saw that Shaun's dad's car was in the parking lot. I knew then...

When we walked up the stairs to mom's room, Shaun stamped his feet LOUDLY! 'They heard you Shaun' I said. We passed mom's room and went up some more stairs. As we approached the closed (frosted glass) doors of the function venue, I noticed a faint glow inside. Shaun opened the doors. "So Close" from the movie "Enchanted" played softly. I entered a candlelit room:

My dad and Tamlyn were in the room. That was not the first thing I saw though. The first thing I noticed upon entering was this:

I immediately left the room in tears. Instead of a wedding cake, there were 20 (Charly's Bakery) cupcakes in honour of Lester's birthday.

Shaun dragged me back inside. We stood close to my dad. Our families entered the room in procession: each member with a small bunch of flowers that they presented to us. The flowers created 2 beautiful bouquets that were placed on each side of our "altar". One to represent each family perhaps?

Shaun opened with song. He sang - with the help of Cindy-Ann (on guitar) and Robyn and Cindy-Ann (on backing vocals) - "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. By this time I was crying more than when I went to watch the movie "Ghost" at the bioscope at Town Centre.

My very nervous dad did the ceremony beautifully and reverently. A traditional Anglican wedding - including the exchanging of the rings ceremony and ending with the lighting of our unity candle (and of course a kiss).

I love that Shaun had matching rings made!

Our first dance ("I Finally Found Someone" Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams - sung by Cindy-Ann and Robyn)

Thereafter we had cupcakes and champagne, pics with the family, and then pics in the garden.

Dinner was an intimate affair (there were 16 of us). We went to an award-winning restaurant on the beachfront - they deserve every award they have won, the food was exquisite! Mammie (Shaun's mom) saw to the decor.

At one stage, Shaun told our guests that we would do this all on a larger scale again. We spoke about that when we went to bed that night and decided that our day was perfect. Neither of us wanted to do it again. At some stage, there will be a movie-se party though!

"I've waited 36 years, I want a BIG wedding". Yor, we say stupid things sometimes hey.

I still cannot believe he did all of this for me. It's almost 1am. I'm sitting in bed next to my husband (he's been asleep for hours already) just looking at him. I wish I could wake him now so he could read what I wrote. It will have to wait. Only one of us needs to go to work tomorrow morning.

A surprise wedding? Do you love someone enough to give them a surprise wedding?

Shaun loves me so much that he always saves his last rolo for me - even if he has the rolos somewhere else, he brings the last one home for me!

Only one more thing left to say: if I had known I was getting married, I would have worn a shirt...

You finished it?

Thanks Tamlyn for the awesome pics

I Can Hear The Bells

2014-01-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

....well, don't you hear them chime, can't you feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time...

I just read a blog a friend of mine wrote on marriage. He spoke about how little girls dream of getting married, how they cut out wedding dresses, match colours, choose decor from the time that they are toddlers...

If this is true, I am a little girl. I looked at the wedding pics of my mom and dad week after week admiring my mom's flawless style and PERFECT dress and my dad's unusually good looks. I used to secretly take wedding pics out of their album to show the kids at school not only how beautiful my parents are, but how perfect my mommy's dress was. Before I knew what being gay was, I used to imagine myself as a girl. I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry a boy, so the only way to do that was to become a girl right? I used to drape my duvet over me (especially at the time where ball gowns had duvet type skirts) imagining the best possible dress design. In high school I had a girlfriend for a brief period (and for those who want to know - we never even kissed) and I started planning our wedding straight away. Designing her dress, looking at celebrity wedding pics in the huisgenoot.... I used to get so excited for the Miss SA and Miss World pageants (because of the beautiful ball gowns) that my entire family would watch them with me.

I remember (as a child) the excitement when I was told a cousin would get married, and I would plan my outfit for the wedding weeks in advance. I never missed a single wedding I was invited to, and was very upset when as a family we couldn't attend Alison's wedding! I love weddings so much, that I even attended a wedding the other day I was not invited to. I am SO HAPPY that I went!

So I think I have now sufficiently made you understand how I feel about them...

In my previous relationship I ONCE brought up the possibility of marriage. The response? Who would we invite? I tried to justify my feelings but to no avail. He was not budging. Come to think of it, same thing happened when I was thirty. I didn't have a 21st birthday party, was never gonna have a wedding, so I wanted to have a big saal party for all my family, friends and students! Let's just say it didn't happen...

I don't know if it is because so many people around me are planning weddings, or if I'm just getting old; but my greatest desire at this moment is to marry the love of my life Shaun! I am 35 (not for much longer), have attended and performed at all my brothers weddings, have dreamed about this day for at least 30 years....

The question then is why do I want to get married? Shaun and I are living together already, sharing all the expenses, supporting each other, going to church together, getting to know the in-laws, planning our life together.... What difference will a wedding make?

I just want that ONE day that's all about US! Our love blossomed under the most horrible circumstances. We were both on destructive paths that would have had terrible consequences. Even though I have told my family and friends how I feel about him, I still wanna stand with Shaun, everyone who is special to me assembled with us, and pledge my love to him forever. My life has become a fairytale with him. I am happy every day. When I wake up in the morning I am excited because I'm gonna open my eyes and see him. On the mornings where I'm up first, the excitement builds in my core as I wait for him to wake.

Despite living this fairytale, I want our fairytale wedding too! I want to sing at the ceremony, I want to have the first dance as his husband with him, I want to thank his parents for creating the most wonderful man in the world, I want my mommy to stand there right next to me (both of us weeping) when I say my vows, I want to see Shaun's face when his dream wedding (that he's been planning since he was a child too) becomes a reality.....

I know that I pretend to be cynical and hardcore, but I'm not! When I was at high school I had two nicknames: Maestro and Gentle Giant. That's exactly what I am. I am this big, rugged looking man with a beard, grey hair, a boep! I have the heart of a little girl though, and a Winnie the Pooh and Tigger tattoo on my back to match that heart. I just want to get married already!!!!!!!!!!!

The best Christmas Ever

2013-12-27T00:56:00.001-08:00

Sitting on our bed in the flat - quite an untidy recovering-from-Xmas flat I must add - reflecting on 25 December 2013.

I told Shaun sometime this year that I am always disappointed after Christmas. I told him that I feel dissatisfied with the day, the presents, everything. So my love set out to make this my best Christmas ever...

It started more than a month ago when he came home one day saying that he bought me my Christmas gift already, and asked me if I wanted it then or whether I would wait till Christmas. He was so excited that I decided waiting was not an option. He bought me the only box set I had ever wanted: "Keeping Up Appearances" and he watched EVERY SINGLE EPISODE with me. I was so happy. Shaun had listened and given me something I had desired for over TEN years.

But he wasn't finished!

Since I have started becoming a responsible adult, I have not really allowed myself to indulge in things like shopping unnecessarily. Whenever we go out, I will look at something and decide that it is not necessary. Shaun remembered EVERYTHING I had not bought for myself.

We don't drink instant coffee at all. I have a grinder, a mocha, a frother, an old-fashioned big coffee pot for guests and a plunger. So the morning ritual is usually wash the mocha, grind the beans, put the mocha on the stove, boil water - voila --- Americanos! Our grinder was the cheapest I could find at the time, and little bits of it has broken off over the last two years. It works perfectly, but frustrates me nonetheless. I have been eyeing a KRUPS coffee grinder forever!!!! Shaun's mom's Xmas gift to me was the EXACT grinder I wanted...

If you have ever been invited to our home (flat) for a meal, you will know that I cook and bake EVERYTHING from scratch. Everybody has at some stage had warm bread at our home. So things like mixing bowls are very important to me. My mom bought me a mixing bowl two Christmases ago. I used that bowl for EVERYTHING!!! And so it broke. I was heartbroken and went out to get a new one. He went with and I eyed a glass one, but decided it was too expensive. So I bought a really cheap plastic one - which broke the first time I used it!!!!! With Christmas upon us I couldn't justify buying another, so if I cooked or baked anything for you this Christmas, it was mixed in our salad bowl!!!! I got TWO very nice mixing bowls for Christmas. The exact same glass one I wouldn't buy myself, and a beautiful stone coloured one his mom chose!

My siblings and our wives/partners did the Secret Santa thing for the first time ever this year. Shaun drew my name!!! We went coat/jacket shopping a few days before Xmas. There was one I liked but wouldn't buy. Thank goodness for Secret Santa!

He gave me another gift, but we'll get there later....

On Christmas morning (after playing my FOURTH service) we came home and changed clothes to go to our families. I wanted to wear a shorts and realised I had no flip flops. Guess what mom bought me! Havaianas! She's bought me flip flops before - but the leather kind. So when I felt the package I was like "oh well"! Then I opened it. I have wanted to buy a pair for a LONG time! But R300 for flip flops??? No way. YAY!!! MY MOMMY!!!!

I went to Shaun's aunt's home for Christmas tea and saw the most beautiful bread bin. I opened it up and saw she was using it to store plastic bags. I told her I really liked it and she gave it to me. Another YAY!!!

Shaun's parents drove 800km with two display cabinets on the back of their bakkie for us, and sent us a couch about 3 weeks ago. So I still need to go and redo the lounge. Another YAY YAY!

And finally! My biggest worry this Christmas was "how am I gonna pay the taxman?" Someone forgot to pay the taxman when they paid me, and I forgot to check. I will be checking in the future! My beautiful husband-to-be came to the rescue AGAIN!

I can't stop smiling!

He has taught me the most valuable lesson ever, and I want to share it with you. We are all too selfish in our relationships. We look at our partners who we love and adore, but we are always thinking of what it is we can get out of the relationship. Shaun taught me this Christmas that love (and ultimately marriage) is not about ourselves, it's about our partners. He is so happy because I told him that this was the first time that I felt happy about Christmas. He had sacrificed everything he wanted for Christmas so that I could have everything I wanted. He acted completely selflessly and gave me a day that I will never EVER forget - which has made him so happy...

We are selfish in our relationships! All of us! But I learned something this festive season: our love is not about me, it's about Shaun. And dammit I'm gonna start living it!

I really am BLESSED!!!

Family?

2013-07-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

Now here is a question that has been haunting me for a while. Who is my family? Of course I know who my family is by blood - but is the blood that runs through our veins enough to make us family....

My immediate family (parents, brothers) and I have grown much closer in the last three years. They have been such a blessing. On the day that my life fell apart, they welcomed me into their hearts and homes like the father in the parable of the prodigal son.

Come to think of it, I was the prodigal son: I pushed my family away in favour of a life where there was more opportunity - or so I thought. I thought I had found my soulmate. When the person you think is your soulmate makes you choose between him and your mother (however subtle), he definitely is NOT your soulmate. Yet, I justified my decision by carefully choosing parts of what my parents had taught me and sowing the chosen bits together to create a justification that came straight from their mouths. Just like the father in the parable, my beautiful family (in-laws included) welcomed me back, created an invisible protective shield around me, and built me up again. That is what family does I think.

My new family (Shaun's family). I have known Shaun's family for a little over two years now. I am his first boyfriend, I am a wee bit older than him - okay a bit more than a wee bit, and him introducing me to his family was also his coming out. They had every reason to hate me.

Funny thing about family though. A family is born of love. I met Shaun's mom and dad first. He took me to their home. It was a little bit uncomfortable at first. They could see that I adored their son though. I also loved his parents before I met them - they are his parents. The two of them are responsible for creating and nurturing the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I love Shaun's parents. They make me feel like I belong...

On the day that I met the first of his aunts, I went armed with my best weapon: a pot of love! I LOVE cooking and baking almost as much as I love Shaun. I took homemade roti and curry to Auntie Yvonne and Uncle Japie's home on the day I met them. We all gathered around a meal. They welcomed me into their home and into their lives; as did the rest of his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I have no blood ties to Shaun or his family. I believe that I am a part of this family!

My dad was the youngest of 8 children. He was a lot younger than his siblings. Because of the age difference, I have one cousin who is my age: Odette. Odette is the most beautiful woman (after my mother) that I know. She has the kindest and most gentle heart. When I was a teenager, I spent every school holiday at her home with her. We do not see each other often anymore, but whenever I am in her presence I feel her love and affection so strongly that I need to distance myself from my emotions so as to not break down and cry. We have such a strong bond that there has never even been a threat that has been able to shake it. Family.

For all of my life I have felt a deep love for all my aunts, uncles and cousins - there are MANY of them!!! I remember looking forward to family parties: a time where we could all be happy together and celebrate the beauty that is the Quickfall family. I then became an adult, and started moving within the family circle. Everywhere I went, I received love and acceptance. This was new to me. I was a fat teenager, so love and acceptance were not things I had gotten used to. The people outside my family circle just ridiculed me.

I loved bumping into cousins when I was on holiday, enjoyed visiting my aunts (all the uncles except my dad had passed away by the time I reached my late twenties), loved getting to know my cousins' children, and I especially loved being the unofficial entertainment wherever we went. As in any large family, there has always been fighting causing rifts between various members at various times.

I was, unfortunately, at the centre of one of the biggest divisions caused in my family. I wasn't alone - there were two of us. After the event, I distanced myself from them - giving no explanation and no details of what my role was in the afore-mentioned event. I figured that if I took myself out of the equation, the rest of them could continue being the loving and beautiful bunch they were before. This did not work. One of my cousins phoned me once and told me that I need to talk about what happened - state what my involvement was. I didn't. I figured that every intelligent person knows that there are two sides to every story, so it made sense that if you had only heard one side of the story you obviously did not know the truth. My mom and dad are paying for my mistake. Family?

I have very good friends. Sadly, some of them are scattered all over the world. There was a time in my early twenties where I cut all my friends out of my life - for a period of two years. After two years I realised my mistake. I approached them all individually. They forgave me and continued loving me as if nothing had happened. Family!

I have a big loving family. We have great times together. My family knows I am not perfect and they love me regardless. I have hurt my family, and have been hurt by them many times; but every time we have hurt each other, we forgave and our love grew. I am smiling now, thinking of all these faces that wish nothing but the best for ME! I am blessed.

Inside my head at 1 in the morning....

2013-04-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

The thing I love about teaching music is that I form a very special bond with almost all of my students. We spend so much time alone together, that it is difficult not to. We know so much about each other - my students and I. Not silly things like their ages, children's names, spouses names, favourite colour, favourite food, hobbies...... No - the really important things like their hopes and fears, insecurities, secrets.... I once had a mother call me to ask if I would speak to her daughter (my student) because she had had a bad day. On another occasion I was having a heart to heart with a student. Her dad called. She said: "Pappa, ek gesels met Mr Q". He put down the phone so quickly, as not to disturb us.

The more I think about it, the more I realise how privileged I am. They open their hearts up to me so much that I can tell (the moment I see them) when something bad has happened and they just need a second of my time to let it out, or sometimes just a smile.

Maybe this is why I have never desired children of my own. Well, it could be just the thought of making them that puts me off....... I love children. I love the way they see life, and find that often I identify with them more than with the grown ups.

My mind is all over the place and I'm tangenting from one thought to another.

Next thought - should I try to adopt a child? This is a question that has haunted me for a long time. My students often tell me I will be a good dad. My mother says so too. I just don't know if my child will be bullied at school because he is from a gay family. I am so scared of being a father. What if I am solely responsible (with all my good intentions) for raising an unhappy child? I don't know the answer yet.

Back to why I have never desired children. I think many people have children because they feel they are incomplete. I lied - I wanted a child once in my old life. My ex refused. I then stopped thinking about it. But maybe I was trying to fill a void? I don't know. My students treat me like a daddy. They look to me for answers, and they trust what I say without question. Isn't that an important part of parenthood? Helping them find answers? I haven't felt a void in years.

I am all over the place. Back to where I started.....

I love teaching music. People respond to me as a teacher. I asked a student today how one created an environment of respect in the classroom. She gave me many answers. I came up with one: LOVE. It seems to me, more and more, that everything I do is somehow connected to love. My love for music is probably the most obvious (and easy) kind of love to mention. I really do love music, and I try to share my love and passion for music with everybody.

I don't believe, though, that this is all they respond to. My students often tell me that I have a really rough/tough exterior, but that they can see my heart. My ex told me that if it wasn't for my great love for all people, I would have been a horrible person. I really do LOVE people - even the ones that I hate. I get angry, and say horrible things, but I really love quite intensely.

This blog is getting quite uncomfortable to write now...

We love sharing things with those we love. I love my students. I love my choristers!

Gonna stop now. That's enough of that hug the trees and arty farty s#!+!

Good night all!

Life Is Good

2013-03-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

Life most certainly is GOOD!

Two years ago, I was a mess. I had just walked out of my old life (the only one I had known as an adult) after 12 years. I was living with my mom and brothers. I drove an old beat up bakkie. I was counting pennies for the first time in YEARS. There were many family members angry with me - that has only changed somewhat...

Here I am, 2 years later, living in my FAVOURITE suburb in Cape Town. My family lived here for a short time when I was a child, and I lived here as a student. It was always my desire to come back and live here again! My bakkie is no more. I drive my loving partner's MERCEDES BENZ, and he drives my Renault. We don't have cash lying around, but we certainly eat away from home often, go to the movies very often, theatre occasionally, and never worry about money. I lost the respect of some dear family members when I left my old life. My relationships with them are still strained, and I believe it will stay so - but in exchange for that, I have gotten my immediate family back. My Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters-in-law, nephews and nieces are finally part of my daily life again. They are pillars of strength and love. I also have a new family: Shaun's family has welcomed me into their homes and their hearts. I already have a reputation as a great cooker of foods and baker of fine breads and cakes. His mother especially has found a place in my heart. LIFE IS GOOD!

That is it. I will not write about my past in this blog anymore. I am letting go. Finally!

The present. As most of you know, I resigned from my job last year. Resigned, even though I had NO IDEA what my future held financially. That is the past!

I promised myself I would never again work so hard that I am constantly sick, and I haven't. My biggest responsibility work-wise has become the church (again). I am (very proudly) the Musical Director at Christ (Anglican) Church, Constantia. I grew up in the Anglican Church, and I LOVE the Anglican Church. I play for Sunday services and I teach the choir. My church choir has mostly retired people singing in it, and they are a lovely bunch. We have so much fun on a Thursday night: preparing for Sunday, learning anthems and talking K@K! The best part of being in a choir is getting to know the people - and I have a varied bunch! Shaun sings in the choir too - he has brought down the average age of the choir significantly (innocent smile). Their love and commitment inspires me!

Responsibility no 2: Groote Schuur High. I teach at the afore-mentioned school 2 days a week with my dear friend Ronel. We have a beautiful relationship. Whenever either of us has faced difficulty, we would get together and LAUGH at our unfortunate situations. When I wrote off a car for the first time, Ronel laughed (and made me laugh) at the moment when I thought my life could get no worse! I am the piano teacher for senior students. I really love teaching, and seeing so many students over 2 days is really special. These kids are so talented - one of them started playing the piano last year, and is playing at Grade 7 level now!

Responsibility no 3: My Private Students. I put out word that I had time to take on private students again. I was flooded with interested people. On Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I teach singing and piano privately. From beginners to performing professionals, singers recording their first CD's, others trying to get that single out and heard, university students needing help and inspiration and housewives needing a release - I have them all. They all trust ME! Isn't that amazing???

Responsibility no 4: The Magnificats..... I LOVE this choir. They have individually and as a group crept into my heart. It's a privilege....

It sounds like a lot, but it really is not half as time consuming as before....

In addition to this, I am going to perform again this year. MY GRAND (ma se) PIANO is back. Slightly different. I am doing the Grahamstown festival again, and when I get back this time, I must sell the show. The response I have had as a performer has always been positive - although I fear it greatly! Watch this space...

Life is Good! I have purpose and I have (most importantly) Shaun....

Beautiful Memories (at the WTS)

2012-10-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have been Musical Director at the Waterfront Theatre School (College) for the last 6 years...well, this is year 6. This is my final year at the college. As this year, and this part of my journey draws to a close, I find myself reminiscing quite a bit.

I remember my interview for this job. I was SO SCARED! The only full-time job I had had before was teaching Class Music at Primary Schools, and I had spent the two years prior to my interview touring with a stage production. There were 4 people at my interview: Keith Galloway, Delia Sainsbury, Paul Griffiths and my predecessor. The interview went well. I relaxed and became 'myself' shortly after I sat down. We then started discussing courses, and I had a HUGE disagreement with my predecessor and insulted him GREATLY. I was convinced that they would not be interested in me. I was wrong!

Keith Galloway... Now here was a man who did not understand me! He came to me a few times while I was there. His question was always the same: How do you get all that sound out of them when they're just lying around on the floor? I tried to explain to him that my approach was completely different from any he had seen. He looked at me apprehensively. It was at the end of my first year that he stopped questioning me. We were preparing for a production of A Nose of Nonsense. I was appointed Musical Director. The first piece I taught the chorus was The Owl and the Pussycat. He came to my office to listen to what I had done with the piece. I had created an old-fashioned contrapuntal arrangement of the beautiful melody line he had provided. Mr G was SPEECHLESS! He trusted me thereafter. I saw him speechless once more: when he heard the arrangement I did with the girls of Everything's Coming Up Roses. It was good working with him.

Other memorable moments were with my students: Natisha van Zyl winning the singing prize, Tarryn Lamb crying for 3 days after a lesson with me, the first time Shona Brabant hugged me, Nicci Horak sitting on my lap, crying my heart out because Robyn Maree went missing, Cindy-Ann Abrahams gate-ing Jarryd for GHDing his hair, Shelani van Niekerk's embrace the day I got back from my heart surgery, Emma Hayden reading EVERY SINGLE POST in this blog for inspiration, Chloe Kiley trying her best to convince me that tattoos aren't painful, crying with Corni van den Bergh week after week while singing our song, Shaun Klaasen sitting with me the day that Mr Kleinhans died, Sven-Eric Muller bringing me coffee randomly just because, crying with Chloe's class (in their third year) on the morning of their lunchtime concert, The Beauty of the Human Voice!!!

The original Beauty of the Human Voice was probably the most special. The college was not too keen on having a choir concert. I was told that if I wanted it, I would have to do it myself. I didn't do it myself. The cast of the first concert were a ROCK! They were behind me 100%, and we had 3 rehearsals every week for months at 7am in the morning. These were such special times. Blankets, coffee, hangovers (the students, not me), fights, laughter, LOVE!!!

There are so many memories, too many to mention! My time at the college ends soon. It is sad... But the love and support of my students will go with me.

Nicci Horak, at the final performance of The Beauty of the Human Voice, said that my office was a sanctuary for the students. Thank you! I was so happy to hear that. Many students would spend days in my office. Everybody was welcome, and IS welcome. Students have their individual lessons with an audience - sometimes an audience of professional singers. This is how we learn: TOGETHER! If you learn NOTHING MORE from me than this, please learn (my students) that your hearts must be open to EVERYBODY!!! We have something to learn from EVERYBODY! My greatest hope is that one day people will say that my legacy was love! Students tell me that they love me everyday! I don't ever say it back, but I believe that they know! I LOVE MY STUDENTS! I am proud of you all!!!!

I don't really know what the intention was with this blog, but it feels like I've said enough!

Happy Insomnia???

2012-08-04T15:58:00.001-07:00

It is 00:23 in South Africa on Sunday the 5th August. I cannot sleep! Now usually when I cannot sleep I am frustrated and angry because I am tired. This morning it is quite a pleasant experience. I cannot sleep because I am NOT tired. I actually rested this week. Rest: such a strange feeling! I had to first be "oopgevlek soos 'n snoek" (my GP's words after seeing the wound from the surgery) before I took any rest, but I rested. This morning (actually, yesterday morning) I slept till after 10!!!! I have not done that in years. Shaun got up to start the Saturday morning ritual of cleaning our flat, and I stayed in bed for another 3 hours!

For those who read my previous blog: an update. Public hospitals don't really bother with care after an operation hey. I discovered (the morning after my op) that the wound was just left open. No stitching, nothing. On opening my hospital bag, I found that one of the nurses put a big pad thing in my bag. One big pad thing to dress the wound with. They told me to wash 3 times a day with salt water. That was it...

First day at home (Tuesday) I did as they said, and dressed it with this big pad thing that I cut up. I was NOT HAPPY! I made an appointment with my amazing GP for Wednesday afternoon. I was worried about caring for this gaping hole, infection, going to the loo!!!! He settled me. Had a look, dressed the thing properly, showed Shaun how to do the dressing, and sent me to Wynberg Pharmacy to go and buy dressing to aid in the healing. Mense! Dressing, ointment and a foam ring to sit on do NOT come cheap! I maar swiped my credit card and closed my eyes!

I have had to accept the fact that I am a DIFFICULT PATIENT! My Mom, Dad and brothers keep reminding me how lucky I am to have Shaun. I AM! He has the patience of a loving mother. I bitch, moan, cry, worry, stress, am irrational.... This week's experience has made me terribly vulnerable and scared. When I tell him this, his response to me is: Come and be scared with me. This is usually accompanied by outstretched arms with the promise of a warm embrace...

What have I learned from this experience? There is no reason to hide! I have been walking around for months with this BIG secret! When I went to hospital, only my immediate family, 2 friends, my boss, Shaun and his mom knew what I was going in for. It was horrible having all these people wish me well for an op I would not speak about. I really feel liberated. It is true, the truth shall set you free!

Fluit, fluit my storie is uit, en hopelik slaap ek nou!!!

Surgery

2012-07-31T03:00:00.000-07:00

Lucy Woolley (one of my students at the Waterfront Theatre School) once told me she loved my blog because I wrote things that people thought about, but would never really say publicly. That comment has inspired today's blog. I had surgery yesterday, on something that I thought made me a freak! This is just in case any of you feel there's something wrong with you too...

I had an abscess close to my anus: called a peri-anal abscess. Went to see my doctor despite the embarrassment. He put me on a short course of antibiotics that did NOTHING!!! Found a different doctor (a very dear friend of mine) to have a look too. This was even more embarrassing: having a friend look at my bum! He spoke to me about it. Told me that it was not the sort of thing one left alone, and gave me a letter to take to hospital to get it sorted out. He also told me these things were very common. WTF!!!! So how come nobody ever speaks about them? Here I was feeling like I had this dirty sickness?!?!? It was GOOD to feel normal again.

With me, however, there was one complication. Crohn's disease runs in my family, and I have a very close relative whose initial symptom was a peri-anal abscess. The only way to check for Crohn's was the surgery...

So I left my doctor armed with a letter to sort my bum out! Next question was: where do I take this letter. NO MEDICAL AID! So I went to Groote Schuur. After one appointment the doctor scheduled me for surgery. F#@*!!!!! I had to wait a month - it is a public hospital.....

On Sunday afternoon I had to check into hospital. Shaun took me. By the time we got there, I felt sick. I hadn't felt sick at all, but just knowing I had to go made me feel ILL! We had 2 hours together before he had to leave. Those weren't great hey. I was moody, worried, tired and just moerig! Shaun was his usual cheerful self despite me.

Sunday night was horrible. There was so much noise in the ward, the light was on all night, and I was next to a man who couldn't leave his bed, so he slept with a bedpan...which he used...often... I ate my last meal at 19h30.

Monday morning: they woke me up at 4am! Had a shower, an enema(!), and waited. By the time I was wheeled away to surgery (around 2pm) I was STARVING, scared, alone (they took my cellphone away at 8am), had a headache and NEEDY! I also knew that Shaun was WORRYING, since he had no idea what was happening with me.

I was wheeled out of surgery at around 15h30. I woke up as they took that thing out of my throat, still INSIDE the operating theatre. First thing I noticed was that my throat was in agony! Second: my BUM was in more agony!!! I started chatting straight away: telling the anaesthetist I was sore. She seemed surprised?!?!? She told me to just wait a minute or two until the morphine kicked in. I kept on talking, getting everyone's names and asking them questions while in the recovery room. The porter told me (on my way back to the ward) that she wished I had been her first patient for the day. That way she would have smiled all day long. As we entered the ward I was greeted with a warm smile from Shaun, and a very scared (but brave) smile from Robyn. I knew then that everything was okay. Robyn: "Yor, jy praat nogal baie vir een wat nou net 'n operasie gehad het!"

When I got to the ward I was HUNGRY! Doctor said I could eat. The nurses warned me not to, but I insisted Doctor said I could eat! Doctor was wrong. I could keep NOTHING down. The doctor asked me whether I wanted to stay for another night or go home. After the noise, smells and light of the first night I opted for home. I was brave, I was going to WALK to the car. LOL!!!!!! I barely made it outside the ward when I had to grab a chair and sit and wait for a wheelchair! I felt HORRIBLE! Shaun had to fetch the car, so Robyn dealt with my horribleness. She was VERY WORRIED.

Got home, mom and dad came to visit and I ate again. Needless to say, the nurses were STILL right! I managed (just before bed) to keep down a piece of toast just so I could take meds. I LOVE MY PARENTS!

I woke up this morning still feeling nauseous! But not like yesterday. I can keep things inside now! My headache is still not gone, and I am exhausted. Doctor told me that I was not to go to work this week. Shaun is enforcing this!

The reason for this blog? I don't know why I convinced myself that this was an embarrassing medical condition. I NEED to share this. If anyone else has one, get it sorted, and talk about it. It's horrible to think you are alone.

Just one little fear: Crohn's disease! I'll know in 3 weeks time...

Affirmation

2012-06-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I manage to fool people into believing that I am confident...

Maybe I'm just being silly, or maybe my definition of confidence is inaccurate. I don't think that I started out as the scared person I have become. My brothers and cousins remember me (at the age of 2) wearing my mom's skirt, high heels, and (for some odd reason) my dad's handkerchief. When we lived in Grahamstown (age 3 - 6) I was a popular little boy. I had a girlfriend (I think I was the first of my brothers to have one) named Inga. The day we left Grahamstown she told my mom: Auntie Rigia, I really really love your son. Inga was 5 at the time. We cut off some of our hair to give to each other. She gave me part of her fringe, and I cut a huge hole right in the front of my head. My big brother says that when I was little I looked under ladies' dresses unashamedly. Little did they know I just wanted to see what was different. I spoke to strangers, and had (by age 4) 2 good friends who were in their 20's. They were studying with my dad at the time: Austin and Floris.

I had to (some time ago) figure out for myself when I lost all of that. I think it was when Nathan (my baby brother) was born. I love you Nathan, so don't think for ONE SECOND that I blame you! The evidence of this change lies in how my body changed from age 5 (when he was born) to 7. I cannot believe how skinny I was at Pre-Primary! I was bigger than the other kids, but skinny! The Sub A photos show the fat cheeks for the first time. Sub B photos show the almost obese kid and teenager I was! I do not want to explore WHY Nathan's arrival changed my personality so much publicly...

I went through school being the big, fat, useless at sports kid who was bullied by EVERYBODY! When I was in Standard 5, a boy from our neighbouring school got a Sub A child to kick me in the shins (they were both blue for what seemed like weeks) while he watched. I was MUCH bigger than them both, but was too scared to do anything but run away! My relief from the bullying came when I realised that the kids who "came first in class" were popular, so I decided to just "come first in class". This stopped the bullying only from the kids at my school. The ones from the other school and the grown ups continued their bullying throughout my teenage years.

I thus entered the adult world of University being as scared as a deer in headlights!!! Some of the lecturers were bullies, but the students embraced me. They made me believe I was worthwhile. However, the lecturers with the huge chips on their shoulders caused so much damage that I left UCT believing I could not play the piano or sing! There were some really AMAZING lecturers there too, who tried to make me believe in myself, but we tend to believe the negative feedback we get more easily than the positive.

I entered the work force as a Primary School Teacher. From the moment I started teaching until today, I have gotten nothing but praise and thanks. As a church organist, primary school teacher, singing teacher, Musical Theatre lecturer, choirmaster, Musical Director...... There has never EVER been complaints about my work or my work ethic. My methods are very controversial, and there has been much discussion regarding them, but all my bosses have trusted that I know what I am doing, and have left me to my own devices KNOWING they will see results.

To those of you who know me personally, you KNOW that I have had a really difficult time recently professionally!!! This morning, the international Drama and Musical Theatre examiner (who examined our mid year examination entries) stopped me in the parking lot at College. He told me that I was an amazing pianist. He said that I was world class quality, and that the students were privileged to have me accompany them. He figured I needed to perform as a pianist, so that people could hear my beautiful playing. Furthermore, he said that if he had my talent.....

We then chatted about my role at the college. I told him that I teach singing. This examiner last examined at the college 5 years ago, when I had only been there for a little over 4 months. He said that he couldn't believe how much higher the standard was, and said that he believed it was largely due to my contribution at college!

I have really had a difficult time recently, and despite encouragement from friends and family, I have not been able to get myself out of the deep pit I had found myself in emotionally. Today, a stranger affirmed me. He had no reason to lie to me, is completely unbiased and spoke from his heart. I believe him!

I learnt something today. I am not really good at telling people they did well. I don't know why I find it so difficult to say those words. But starting now (actually, I started right then) I will tell people when I believe that they are doing good work! 10 minutes in a car park with a British man has made me a new person!!!! I will do what I was taught today for the rest of my life! I will not cheapen it by saying someone did well when they didn't - that is NOT in my nature. But, darnit, from now on when someone does good work I WILL TELL THEM SO!!! I feel good!

My Birthday

2012-03-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday 3 days ago: I turned 34 on March the 8th. I was so depressed one week before my birthday - I missed Shaun! I had not seen him in two weeks... People usually laugh when I tell them that I am depressed because I miss Shaun. They don't get that I want to see him everyday... Anyway, I was depressed because I was missing him and I knew I wouldn't see him on my birthday. I don't think I have ever been depressed before this. Had no idea how horrible it felt to feel hopeless, sad, tired, lusteloos before. So on the 1st of March, Shaun told me he was coming to town for my birthday. He said he'd arrive on the last flight of the day on 8th March, we would have the last few hours together, and that he'd only go back home on Sunday night (today). He was going to surprise me, but because of my unhappiness he could not keep his secret anymore. My depression lifted later that night.....

As the week progressed, I got the idea that there was more to the surprise than what Shaun had told me. I did not pry at all, but kept my ears to the ground....

My birthday this year was the best I have ever had - all because of Shaun. When I arrived in my office at around 08h30 on Thursday morning, the floor was littered with white and pink balloons, there was a BEAUTIFUL bunch of giant roses (Shaun asked what my favourite flowers were), and a simple birthday card. I put down all my stuff, opened the card, read it, and called Shaun. He told me he was at work (in the Eastern Cape). Two minutes later, my office door opened and music started playing in the passage: Barbra Streisand's I've Dreamed of You. Now by this time I had figured out that Shaun was in Cape Town. However, when I arrived in my office and he wasn't there, I feared that I was sadly mistaken. Was disappointed, till I heard the song. I knew Shaun was in the passage, but stayed on the couch. After a few moments of Barbra's flawless voice, he walked into my office: How must I surprise you if you don't come out? I got up and wept in his embrace. I knew then that my day would be perfect. I was complete, and nothing that ANYBODY did thereafter could make it better than that very moment....

That was just the start. He spent the day with me in my office. That night we went home to shower before going out. I fished and figured we were going to Grand West Casino, but could not figure out what for. We dressed up and drove there. As I walked in, three very special ladies: Robyn Maree, Chloe Kiley and Rosanna Minchella greeted us at the door. I still had no clue, then one of them dropped the word Karaoke. I LOVE Karaoke. I figured that Shaun's plan was to take me out to ENJOY singing again for a change. I sing everyday, but it's not fun. I thought: Shaun really GETS me! We walked to the Karaoke bar, me in Heaven, again thinking this is as good as it gets. I was wrong. When I walked in, I saw some more guests he had invited: my mom, dad, brothers, sister-in-law and my eldest brother's girlfriend. (In my past life, birthdays were spent with either my ex or my family, they did NOT get along, and I was forced to choose.) My dad and brothers love Karaoke as much as I do. We used to go to the Lady Hamilton hotel together often to sing. It was like old times. A truly AMAZING day! And (by the way) I KICKED ASS at that Karaoke......

It was by far the best day I have ever had.....

Shaun was not finished though! He accompanied me to work on Friday again. That night we went home and dressed up again. He had bought (very expensive) tickets to go and see Fidelio. Fidelio (for those of you who do not know) is the only opera that the great Beethoven composed. The title role was sung by one of my friends from UCT Opera School, and the comic(ish) character by another one - we all had the same singing teacher. I have not been to see an opera in years: too expensive! Right now, I cannot afford it, and when I had the means, other things were always seen as more important. I LOVE OPERA!!!!!!!!!! I sat there (in the cold Cape Town wind) mesmerised. It was such an emotional journey. I rose and fell with the orchestra, cried with the singers, felt the pain and anguish in Beethoven's great composition. I'm getting emotional now just remembering it. GOOSEBUMPS!!!!

I often say that I hate surprises. It's not the truth. I have always LOVED surprises. You know what, after years of NOBODY bothering to make the effort to surprise you, you learn to fear them. I was disappointed birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas, over and over again. The worst was that I had made such an effort for my nearest and dearest, but it was never returned. My last surprise was when I turned 21, by my church choir at the time....

Shaun went back home today. I will miss him.

If you have never heard me say this, pay attention. I am in love with the most generous, caring, exciting, child-like, mature, crazy, sweet, smart, sexy, goofy, loving, full of bull... AMAZING man in the world. I have every intention of spending my life with him....

Thank you Shaun, you've made me believe again....

Believe (thanks Bernice)

2012-02-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time. Too long! I have tried to blog before today, but it's been difficult. Whenever I started, I found myself going back to the past - a horrible past! I think I kept going there because this blog, and those who read it, played a major role in my healing. Still in the healing process, but I AM getting there.

I have been wearing a wedding band since my 20th year - the first gift my ex bought me. It was gold. I chose it, so I loved it. In my 27th year I bought a 2nd wedding band for myself - because I loved it. This one was gold and titanium. I took the gold one off my wedding finger and placed the titanium one on it: a sign of my longing for independance! Wore the original on my right hand. On the day that I moved out, I took the gold one off and never wore it again. Gave it to my dad to keep until I knew what I wanted to do with it. Dad still has it.

My story starts the day after I moved out of my previous life. It was a Sunday, and Mark (my big brother) and I went to visit our cousin Bernice Swartland in Worcester. I needed something to take my mind off things! We slept over at her home with her family. It was good visiting there.

Two months after that, Shaun and I went to visit Bernice. I wanted to introduce him to somebody in my family: somebody who actually wanted to meet him. Bernice, her husband Michael and their son Mitch welcomed us into their home with open arms. It was at breakfast that morning that Bernice gave me a brand new Silver wedding band with something engraved on it. The ring said BELIEVE.... I added the new band to the titanium one on my wedding finger: a perfect fit. I have since given my titanium ring to Shaun. He wears it on a chain around his neck with two other pendants. One with my name, the other his. The ring hangs between the pendants: a symbol of my devotion to him, and my intention to marry him!

I have not removed the ring Bernice gave me since the day I received it. Later that day, when I doubted my ability to get through the difficulties that the changes in my life had brought about, Shaun pointed to the engraved ring. He said: believe. I cried!

My ring has been my saviour so many times.....

You may ask what I believe. Many things. At the moment Shaun is away. He is working in the Eastern Cape till the end of June. It is difficult. I am finally in love: for the first time in my life. I want to be with Shaun. He wants to be with me. We are both very emotional beings, and we NEED each other. I believe that there is something to be learned from being apart. For Shaun: independance. As much as we love each other, and pine for each other, we are seperate beings - beautiful in our individuality, whole - who want to be together. For me: the importance of a real relationship. I have never missed anybody before. I have never been sad before. I have never felt lonely before. I LOVE Shaun! I NEED Shaun! I can be a good and faithful husband to Shaun...

...I am certain you're the last man in my life... Andrew Lloyd Weber

The college's graduation ceremony happens soon. I'm spreading this message: I arranged a Believe Medley for the College Chorus to sing for the graduates. I hope they listen!

One more thing: when you lose faith, my ring is available to anyone who needs it. Have a look. Thank you Bernice....

Lester

2011-10-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

There have been a few things I have wanted to chat about over the last few weeks. Right now I cannot remember all of them, but one of them has stuck in my head....

My mom was horribly sick a week or three ago. I took her to see my doctor. He was AMAZING by the way. I still need to thank him for everything he did for her. That's not what this blog is about though. While we were there, he asked her all sorts of medical questions which she answered truthfully, and some personal ones: he asked my mom how many children she has.

I grew up in a house with 4 siblings, all brothers. My mother had 5 sons: Mark, George, Lester, Jeremy and Nathan. All English names although we are an Afrikaans family. Mark was the sportsman, George the bookworm, Lester was the really nice guy, I was the musician and Nathan was the angelic youngest son. A mixed bunch with nothing in common, except a very strong blood bond and lots of love. We grew up. Mark, George, Lester and Nathan got married and had kids. Mark had a son and a daughter, George had 2 sons and a daughter, Lester had a son and a daughter and Nathan a daughter.

Lester and his family were in a car accident 5 years ago. They were on their way home from Cape Town (they lived in Johannesburg), Lester was driving, the car rolled a few times. Megan (his wife) and Tristan (his 1 year old son) weren't hurt at all. Shay (his 3 year old daughter) was hurt in the accident but has since fully recovered. My 31 year old brother did not survive the accident.

The recovery process is difficult. I don't think any of us will ever be the same again.

When Doctor De Klerk asked my mom how many sons she has, she said proudly (without hesitation) that she has 5 sons. My heart skipped a beat. I was so close to tears at that moment. I have never spoken to my parents about Lester's passing. It's too painful to see their grief. I have managed to suppress my own grief for years. Well - until I met another young lady who lost her sister in the same way. She's one of my students, and we have (unintentionally) shared many quiet tears. Thank you!

Back to my mom. She said she has 5 sons. My initial reaction was: has she not come to terms with this? Isn't it time to let go? This reminds me of the song that my (previously mentioned) student and I sing together and cry about EVERY TIME:

If you haven't figured out what's happening in the song: 2 sisters are singing. One is dying. The other trying her best to say goodbye. The line that gets me every time is All my life I've lived for loving you; let me go now. But how do I let go? I have 4 brothers: Mark, George, Lester and Nathan. Lester's soul lives on somewhere. He's still my brother, not so? Is my mom right? Or does the song have the right message? I have certainly heard many arguments supporting the latter. My head also says it's time to let go. My heart is a different story though. I've only recently started grieving the loss of my brother. I need to hold on a little longer - and any of you who knew Lester will know that he would not mind...

TRUTH

2011-09-16T03:31:00.000-07:00

So I am back. I have spent all this time contemplating what to do about my blog. Freedom of expression is way too important to me. So I am back.....

I have never really spoken plainly about my life here. Always assumed that everybody knew who and what I was. Just to fill you all in. At the age of 20 I entered a relationship with a man 15 years my senior. I stayed in this relationship for nearly 13 years. That is it as far as my old life goes. I cannot reveal too much about it, because it hurts the people who were part of my life. These people from my past are the reason I deleted this blog for a while. One more thing I will say about my old relationship: when I left he told me that the only way to be free and to grow is to tell the truth: the whole sordid truth. I did. Here. There were consequences.....

"...ek het rondgeloop..." This is a quote from one of my previous blogs. This is what he was speaking about when I left. He told me I had to tell my family about the fact that I was unfaithful. I told my mom, dad and siblings. It was not easy for Dad to hear. He told me that there are certain things you just don't do. Mom knew about it. She told me I did it. My brothers said nothing. So I mentioned it here......

Ai tog!!!!!!! I have cousins who read this blog. One of them told my aunts that this blog is a place where I reveal intimate details about my sexual life in order to attract men to have "good times" with. They also told them that I say horrible things about my ex! I have read and re-read all my posts. This analysis of my blog was based on the previous quote. The complete sentence was: "Ek was 'n naai, ek het rongeloop." So this one sentence where I reveal MY SINS has alienated my family from me. I deleted this blog after chatting to an aunt (who had never read it) and seeing how much pain it caused. She has since read the blog. My mom and dad went to visit her the other day. She told them that of their 5 sons, 2 of them are good men: my deceased brother, and the 2nd born. So I'm not a good man.....

After this judgement, I realised that they would never see anything other than what they want to see. My blog would make no difference to their opinions of me - whether it existed or not. So I have brought it all back.

I was told to tell the truth. I will! The truth about me!

I am Jeremy Quickfall. A 33 year old gay man who grew up in the Cape Flats in Cape Town. My dad Ernest is a priest. He's retired, but my daddy is a PRIEST! A MAN OF GOD. I love him and I am proud of him. My mom is a MOTHER! No fancy title. A MOTHER!!! She will do ANYTHING for ANY OF HER CHILDREN. And she has the 5 of us, but so many more. There are young and old men and women from my youth who still call MY MOMMY "MAMMA". I love my mother and I am proud of her. I have 4 brothers, one of them in Heaven. When I was kicked out of the only home I had known as an adult (you told me to tell the truth), my mommy, my daddy and my brothers took me in. Mark moved out of his bedroom in his house for me. He lived in the lounge for 3 months. I love my brothers, their wives/girlfriends and their children, and I am proud to call them my siblings.

I am Jeremy Quickfall, and I am in love with Shaun Klaasen. I have committed myself to him completely. He is my soulmate, my best friend...... My intention is to spend my life with him.

THIS IS THE TRUTH, and I was told that THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE

God helps those who help themselves

2011-07-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

So it's really been a long time hey! It's 01h13 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but every now and again I cannot - and counting sheep? Who came up with that rubbish anyway?

I stopped blogging for a while for a reason: I discovered that my blog caused distress to some folk. The reason for this blog was to share my experiences with others in the hope that it would be a little entertaining, and (dare I say) I hoped that my thoughts and experiences may help others. A very dear aunt told me that my blog really disturbed and upset her. When I asked her if she had read it, she said she had not, but that one of my cousins told her about the terribly intimate details I share of my (love/sex) life in this blog. I have read through every post, and I have not found what they may have been referring to. Any ideas???

After much thought, I have decided to continue blogging...

We're rehearsing for a production of the musical Hairspray at college right now. Early morning rehearsals (7am)! I have one in about 5 and a half hours! Silly sheep! I'm having difficulty keeping up hey. I don't know how my students do it. They start rehearsing with me at 7am tomorrow, have a full day of college and then rehearse till 10pm most nights. You MUST admire their commitment. I certainly do!

Some really good things are happening for me right now. I have started working on a TV show! Very exciting. Cannot reveal too much yet, since the show has not started airing yet, but had a GREAT rehearsal last night. VERY TALENTED PEOPLE I am working with. Once Hairspray has finished, I go into rehearsals for Forbidden Broadway (with 4 of my students in the cast!!!) while preparing for a big Xmasy thing in the Eastern Cape. Life is good!

Personally.... The last year has been difficult! VERY difficult. Leaving behind the only adult life you have known is not easy. My experiences have affirmed something I believe though: God helps those who help themselves. Although this phrase is not biblical, and there is no certainty regarding its origins, it works for me. When I moved out if the only home I had known for 12 years, I was so worried about my future: emotionally, FINANCIALLY.... Despite my paralysing fear, I (for once) did what was right for ME! I placed my trust in the universe and my family.

My family was AMAZING! On the day that I moved out, I called my big brother (I needed a place to stay). I told him what the situation was - he had had no prior warning - and asked for lodging. By the time I got to the house that he shares with my mom and dad, he had moved out of his room and into the lounge. His motivation: I needed my privacy! WOW! That's a special brother.

Right now, I am sitting on my bed, working on my brand new Sony laptop, shopping online for a new car, and searching for a property to purchase. At the beginning of 2011 I was a mess. I never thought I would get to THIS stage. But here I am! Best of all - the most amazing thing that has EVER happened to me....Shaun! My Shaun! He's away in the Eastern Cape right now, but I know where his heart is!

What have I learned? When we start doing things for ourselves - the right things DESPITE what everybody around us says - good things WILL happen. If you do not believe this, look at me!

Sad

2011-06-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

I just realised something the other day. I don't get angry. I will scream and shout at something out of frustration yes! I get frustrated and annoyed, but anger really is foreign to me. I get sad! When others would get angry, I go sad.

It's a bit of a fuck up for me. When I'm sad I think - I don't really think much! So I'm sad today. I haven't done any work since 1pm because none of my students have pitched up. I'm sitting in my office now: ALONE! I am hardly ever alone. I have issues with being alone - and then I have issues with having people around.... Dammit!

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”

I just typed sadness into google and I got this quote. I like it! It is telling me something though: I must tell people when I am hurt. It's difficult though. Admitting to hurt is admitting that I'm vulnerable. I am! It's funny how people think I'm not. But then, I often think that others are not vulnerable. I think it's just me who suffers from all this insecurity!

Why do we assume that everybody is stronger than we are? Or is it just me who does that? I look at others and see strength and confidence. I look in the mirror and see fear.....

I visited with one of my cousins the other day. I have always seen her as a strong woman. I still do! She made me think alot. We spoke about spouses, ex's, family, friends..... She reminded me that (especially with my ex) I should just say nothing unless I have something good to say about him. We discussed family: cousins, aunts, uncles..... Why is it that our extended family has such high expectations of us? I expect nothing from them! Maybe it's my upbringing, but in our house we were taught to expect nothing, and then if we got something it would be so much more special. Were my parents wrong? Maybe their teaching has taught me to settle and accept whatever shit is passed onto me??? I don't know. But I am usually content! We spoke about friends and spouses: one of my very special friends has a difficult husband - so I don't visit her. Is that fair? Am I meant to give up our lifelong friendship to avoid the hurt his comments cause? Or am I meant to hurt her by insisting she meets me somewhere else: away from him? Or do I just vreet sy kak?

So many questions, but no answers!

I'm feeling better. I love writing! It is so therapeutic!

It's the little things....

2011-06-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

It really is funny how everything in life just works out if we wait hey. I remember when we were growing up my dad (the priest remember) once gave a sermon about asking God for things. He said that there always is an answer: yes, no or wait. When you're a child, this bit of information is really not useful. Wait???? But when you grow up.......

I think this may be one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. When the time is right..... One such example is my current job. I was asked to apply for this job 3 years before I got it. I did not apply! It was my own fear and insecurity that prevented me from sending in that CV. In those 3 years that my predecessor taught here, I did A Handful of Keys. This iconic show changed my life. I learnt how to perform!!! Before the show I was SHITE! The show also taught me that music (especially the performance side) could be, and was meant to be fun! If I had started working at the Theatre College in 2004, my entire approach to teaching and (dare I say) mentoring would have been different. I would have destroyed personalities in the search for perfection!!! I understood about the voice then, but not about people. Whether you believe in a divinity, the goodness of nature or fate....... Everything happens at the right time......

I got a new mattress yesterday! A huge, heavy mother of a mattress. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, my back (which had been killing me for the past few weeks) was not sore at all, and my headache (that had been there since Sunday) had miraculously disappeared! A mattress..... I picked a R6 000 mattress up for R2 000 - NEW!!!! I'm telling you guys - if you do good.....

Now I've just opened a new can of worms..... Good? Who decides what is good or bad? There are quite a number of people who would argue that I do not do good - and from the outside it probably seems that way at times. But I can confidently say that I always do my best, and that I do WHATEVER I can for WHOEVER despite how I feel about them! Shit, I sound like an angel! I'M NOT!!! There are people who I have wronged - we cannot always get it right!

Shaun is taking my mom to the movies today! I'm all emotional now! He's taking her to see Il trovatore. The little things! It really is not a biggie, but it means so much to me...... I must stop crying now, I have a student arriving in 5 mins. It really is just that little bit extra that just makes us feel that we're special hey. Cindy and Terence cooking us dinner. Chloe venting with me when I need it. Robyn walking in every morning to check how I am. Shelani's hugs. Sven taking me to SPAR to get lunch..... These things don't take much effort, but DAMN they make me feel good about myself.

I must go, gotta teach.......