There is Cricket. And then there is Bloody Cricket.

Pakistan v England Series: Controlled Chaos

2012-02-26T04:35:00.000Z

In engineering, most students are taught Chaos Theory at some stage of their degree. My time came somewhere in the middle of my final year. Back then I was too rogue a student to get a grip on it, which to be fair, does not require much brains to fathom. Five years later, during my last month home trip, I was sitting with my father watching the highlights of the 4^th day’s play of the second Test. When the highlights finished, my father-- who has been an academic for more than 45 years-- asked me what I knew about the theory and how the English capitulation of 72 all out could be related to it. Quizzed and being only able to tell the basic concept I knew of the theory, I gave in and requested him to surprise me. What transpired then is a gift I shall forever treasure.

The sensitivity to the conditions in which an orderly system finds itself in is an essential element to induce chaos. It is supplemented by the Butterfly Effect which represents the reliance of a minor change resulting in major disturbance in the system’s state; kind of what Saeed Ajmal did with his ‘Teesra’ – which to everyone, except the English XI, never seemed to exist; and which in reality is an innocuous change playing with their heads, the modern cricketing equivalent of Spacey’s greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

Moreover, the sensitivity of seemingly orderly English batsmen to quality spin and the ineptitude to control the damage caused by it since the very first session till the 33rd session of the series, proved to be a fair example of Poincare recurrence-- the duration required to return to the initial state. Add to it the consistent pattern through which it happened makes a good case for the exemplification of chaos theory.

Control of chaos is another aspect of chaos theory. It involves applying a tiny perturbation in the system to obtain a desirable dynamical state. This control also helps in synchronization of the chaotic systems which becomes clear in any example where two different systems start from initial points and then end up being different exponentially. More like Ajmal with his usual variety psyching out the current best top seven of the world right from day one, along with the bamboozling by a till-then novel Rehman and the criminally underrated Hafeez. The end product was a camouflaged destruction of the powerhouse of the game.

Logical prognosis was defied through a methodological framework to madness, time and again during the series; whether it was running havoc in a batting line-up boasting matches and runs ten times their own or by setting up fields that would force the likes of Kevin Pietersen to play village cricket shots. Fractal repetition of planned out modes of targeting their preys were executed, typified by certain little things that had disproportionate effects; prompting the flapping of the butterfly wings. A colossal mindfuck, safe to say, was triggered. A mindfuck of sorts with which Gene Hackman and his paranoia in The Conversation could concur-- executed, in an alternate form, by a number one ranked English team.

Expecting the historically spin-handicapped England to read Ajmal off the hand was always going to be a Herculean task, but the staggering aspect was their inability to read Rehman and Hafeez’s conventional finger spin and the indecision whether to play all three of them forward or back. The minimum of feet usage was another abject demeanour of the English top order culminating in a regular procession of wickets. The failure to develop counters against spin and the schooling of the top ranked batsmen through it, had enough material to produce a DVD enriched with comical errors.

The fact that Pakistan came back twice in the series from the brink of seemingly dead positions bears testimony to their character for which alone, they deserved to be the worthy victors. At 54/4 in the 2^nd innings at Abu Dhabi with still 16 runs behind England’s lead, Strauss and co had them under the cosh with Monty and Swann on top of their game and with the top Pakistani batsmen back in the pavilion. At that point, came the grind that for many Pakistanis has to be the defining phase of this series and one which epitomizes all the goodness in this team. With a mere 30 Test caps between them, Azhar Ali and Asad Shafiq sewed together a finely composed bond that, for the situation and the eventual outcome, brought Pakistan back in the game in a pretty enthralling fashion.

The second instance had even more promise and pride attached with it. Having been 44/7 in the first morning of the 3^rd Test, few would have taken the stand against the betting market. But right then started a comeback of immense proportions which would ultimately end up joining the holy pantheon of Calcutta and Karachi. What unearthed there session after session was the naked exhibition of fortitude and mettle, a batting lesson in form of the contrasting hundreds of Younis and Azhar, a defence of the target by careful disintegration of the opposition which was already mentally shot to monstrous measure.

In retrospect, to call this clean sweep and all these numbers and records - which are Salvador Dali-esque in nature-- a product of the seminal metamorphosis Pakistan cricket went through in the last 30 months, won’t be an exaggeration. To have risen from the debris in which they would find themselves periodically, most of it due to their own doing, in such an overwhelming manner says a lot about the current crop and the men who have been in charge of them. To have shut the most venomous of critics and strongest of doubters through a constant wave of progress only instills and strengthens the faith that this is a side which believes in itself, does not only weave moments of inspirations together and knows the method to madness, something rarely associated with the ‘mercurial’ and ‘unpredictable’ tagged Pakistan of past years.

Call it method to madness, even if there is a slightest of it in Misbah's men. Or call it controlled chaos. History's equilibrium has been disturbed.

- This post was first published at The Sight Screen.

Shahid Afridi, The Leg Spinner

2011-12-06T03:03:00.002Z

Last Sunday, Sharjah hosted its first international game after 8 years. For most watching it, to have expected anything less than a maniacal Pakistani win was like deluding yourself of the legacy the venue possessed for Pakistan cricket. Yet, there were moments in both innings that suggested otherwise, but Shahid Afridi ended up being the prime difference between both sides, bossing an ODI like very few have in modern times – half of it on one knee – putting the match in a state of entropy, enabling a series win and eventually redeeming the Pakistani pride at Sharjah.

The fact that Afridi played an uncharacteristic, tail-farming and perfectly paced innings earlier in the day, to set up a modest total was legitimately surprising to many, since runs from his bat have been a rarity lately; and to have done it with such a methodological approach was heartening for his fans. However, turning the game on its head later on when Sri Lanka were cruising and taking a five-fer would not have quite amazed those who have been following his bowling progress since the past few years, he’s produced match winning spells regularly.

A quick stats check tells he has been the best spinner in ODIs this year, which includes being the joint highest wicket taker in the World Cup, and that tells a lot about his surge as a bowler considering he bowls often in tandem with Saeed Ajmal, someone who’s been equally impressive in the striking rate column.

Leading wicket takers (spin bowlers) in 2011

Overall, he’s the joint second leading wicket taker in the year, only bettered by Lasith Malinga.

Leading wicket takers in 2011

During the course of this study of Shahid Afridi, we shall extract other features of his renaissance as a match winning bowler, but there is a feeling that a question is bound to arise in the minds of many that did he really have it in him to be so effective?

Test Cricket

For someone who took a five wicket haul in the very first innings of his Test debut against the then-mighty Aussies, there always was an extent of promise hidden somewhere. But over the years, it never could be quite fulfilled. The almighty whammies, across-the-line hoicks and cow-corner slogs would dominate a career which initially started as a leg spin bowler selected to replace Mushtaq Ahmed; a selection that was as contrasting in the genre as it would be to listen to Cannibal Corpse after Phil Collins on your iPod.

It would be tough to argue that there weren’t patches in his bowling career that would be no less than awe-inducing. Glimpses of brilliance would be on show every once in a while, whether it be Bangalore, where a probing and artistic Test spell against the world’s best players of spin in their own backyard would puzzle Pakistanis of what could be achieved with that arm and fingers, or his longest spell (overs wise) at Faisalabad. But maybe, as was decided by his periodical retirements, the exhibition of his bowling aptitude was not meant for Test cricket, after all.

Twenty20

It may be a mere hypothesis here, supported by an odd interview of his, that with the birth of T20 on international stage, Afridi’s focus on bowling had a revamp. For a cricketer like him, who was destined to be the protagonist of the shortest playing format, this was perhaps the career crossroads where he hit the realization that his value to his team could increase manifold if he would return decent figures in the allotted quote of 4 overs.

And so he started doing exactly that. With an odd knock of 30 or 40, there were not many significant batting performances to boast about, but the consistent stints with the ball made sure he was a reliable bowling option for his team, often coming on as first change. Within just one year of the introduction of T20s, he ended up being the player of the first T20 World Cup, mainly for 12 wickets in 7 matches.

He’s had a number of match defining spells in the format already but perhaps the most crucial one came in the semi-final of the 2009 World Cup. Buoyed by an against-all-odd half century earlier and brought on as first change by Younis Khan, he sliced South Africa in half by going through the defences of Gibbs and De Villiers in consecutive overs with his top spin and slider. It was enough to take Pakistan to the final where he produced another clinical all-round performance. Those were two consecutive man-of-the-match gems and if it wasn’t for Dilshan’s dream run with the bat, Afridi would have been the player of the tournament once again.

As of now, he is the highest wicket taker in T20 internationals and the first one to get to 50 wickets. The economy is just a touch above 6 which, for this lunatic format, is nothing less than outstanding. Though a 4-fer is not a regular occurrence in T20, yet he has bagged 3 of them.

Leading wicket takers in T20 Internationals

One Day Internationals

However, it’s his resurgence as an ODI bowler that has had more impact than any other bowler on Pakistan’s performance in the past four years. He is the only Pakistani bowler to have taken more than 100 wickets during that period (115, to be exact), at an average and economy which have been considerably lower than his career’s aggregate.

Furthermore, it is his role as a fulcrum on which ODIs won by Pakistan during this period have centered, which give way to some extremely impressive numbers.

Shahid Afridi in ODIs won by Pakistan since 01 January 2008

The significance of his bowling can also be judged by his numbers in the matches that Pakistan has won in his whole 15 year limited overs career. With an average and strike rates which are two-thirds of his overall career, it’s safe to say he’s been the cornerstone of Pakistan’s ODI victories in this period. 73% of his career wickets have come in matches Pakistan have won, with all of his 4-fers and 5-fers coming in these matches.

Shahid Afridi in ODIs won by Pakistan throughout his career

Another remarkable feature of Afridi’s bowling accomplishments is his presence in the top three ODI wicket takers in the last three and a half years.

Leading wicket takers in ODIs since 01 April 2008

To ascertain how crucial Afridi has been whenever Pakistan has defended a total successfully, his stats in this criterion, which are in stark contrast to his overall numbers, should be proof enough.

Shahid Afridi in ODIs Pakistan has won defending a target (fielding second)

Perhaps one of the best gauges of his bowling proficiency is his numbers in the following table, which classifies the stats of all leading spin bowlers since April 2009.

Leading spin bowlers in ODIs since 01 April 2009

The Craft

All these brilliant numbers aside, the variations in Afridi’s bowling are as fascinating and skilled as they come in the modern game. There is the conventional loopy leg spin, which though may not be Warnesque but does enough to create doubt in the batsman’s mind whether to play against the line or just play it safe by smothering its turn. It has become more his stock delivery with the skilful usage of the crease, going wide of it at times and closer-to-stumps occasionally. Then there is the cleverly disguised googly which, initially in his career, started with a visible off spin roll but now has been mastered into the back-of-the-hand wrong ‘un. An extension of his wrong ‘un is the quicker off spin which he drops in mostly for left-handers and to newly in batsmen, primarily to create doubt against his conventional fast leg breaks. Then the main weapon: the top spinner - capable of achieving different bouncing angles even after pitching on the same spot for separate deliveries – is so cunningly employed that even the best in the business have fallen prey to it. At times, it could be seen as a hybrid of a slider and a flipper, something you can figure he himself too is not sure about.

This assortment would make for quite a repertoire for any spinner but for Afridi, it doesn't end here. There is the globally famous faster one, also called ‘shooter’ by him and common in gully cricketing terms. The history of this weapon dates back to his initial spells in limited overs cricket, with the one cleaning up Gregg Blewett in the Carlton & United Series, 1996-97 making headlines. The speed gun usually measures this missile in a range of higher 120 kph to mid 130 kph, enough to check on the best fast medium bowlers in the game.

Moreover, alongside these variations the spin bowling basics are focused on constantly, with the speed as fluctuating as the English weather and the float often present. Add to it, the guile and the vicious in-drift which, when in full rhythm, make for a potentially mesmerizing art. The prodding and fiddling of the batsmen is often witnessed, tying them down with a set pattern of deliveries and making his field settings count with regularity. It would be injustice to him if no mention of his follow through is done, which is as aggressive as it gets to being a fast bowler of the current era.

There may always remains a mousy feeling among his fans that, with the precocious talent he possesses, he could have achieved so much more than what he has in his 15 years in the game, but for what he has accomplished so far and for what his aura circumscribes, he remains as the most loved sportsman of his country and a superstar capable of filling stadiums on his own anywhere the game is played.

Shahid Afridi feeds on the crowd and the adrenaline that is generated in the stands for him, epitomized by his x-man wicket celebration with both his arms aloft. With his bowling maturing and reshaping his career, we are well into the second coming of the mercurial pathan, this time as a bona fide leg spinner. Afridi, the bowler has made himself noticed in the recent years and there can be no denying that he is one of the main game-changers with the ball in hand in the game presently.

- This post was first published at The Sight Screen.

It is Really the Tip of the Iceberg This Time

2011-12-06T02:51:00.000Z

When Henry Blaxland narrated the mitigation plea of Mohammad Amir, who was sitting in the glass chamber approximately at 90 degrees angle and 3 metres in distance from me, every word of it felt like a knife being stabbed into one’s ribcage or like the scripting of an epitaph of someone you loved. Here, it was for a cricketing career that was arguably the most promising since a certain Tendulkar faced Imran and the Ws amidst a bloodied shirt in his debut series. From the disclosing of how Amir stood in front of the mirror wearing the Pakistan shirt given to him the night before his debut to his acquiescence of any punishment to be handed out by the court, the intensity of every phrase gave way to the feeling of something that had been irretrievably lost. It was agonizing watching him lower his head, periodically recoiling; it was just heartbreaking.

And yet, all of it was just words. Or so they ended up, as in the eventual scheme of the events for any hope, lying naked in the recesses of hearts feeling for the teenager, all but died the very next day.

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For starters, let there be no doubt whatsoever that the three of them cheated. And the price tag of their assorted sins was always going to be hefty in context of the brass tacks that eventually surfaced. Whether it was entrapment (by the Fake Sheikh) as suggested by Michael Atherton or the sheer ineptitude with which Butt and Majeed administered the fix, the fact of the matter is they did get involved in this villainy and defrauded millions of cricket fans and the game itself, along with shaming their families and a nation.

There should be no denying that these players were a product of a defective system which bred corruption in its various demeanours, and had grown up deifying players who dominated the glorious 90’s with such power that could only be collated with the army of that country. Add to it, the distorted legacy of the glitched up Qayyum report and its frailty, the susceptibility of them falling prey to a well orchestrated money-spitting net was supreme.

The unfolding of their wrongdoings was beyond an iota of doubt, well for most people who had followed the case intently. The guilty plea of Amir and the subsequent 4 weeks long trial of Asif and Butt, which was akin to thieves turning against each other, left little margin for them being exonerated by the jury in the criminal case. The custodial sentences were announced and they are said to act as deterrents for the game of cricket through the Judiciary of England and Wales.

Or are they as such?

Here was a judicial system which had acquitted the likes of Bruce Grobbelaar, Matthew Le Tissier and John Higgins, in spite of possessing seemingly ample credential of corruption handed monetary fines. A justice system which had dwindled away in corruption cases related to sports in the recent past - like in the Grobbelaar’s case, the overturning of the initial libel jury’s verdict – would always force this question to be ascertained: “Do you really have a concrete belief in the system?”

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Then there is the curious case of Anti Corruption and Security Unit (ACSU). The Anti-Corruption Unit of the body had operating expenses for 2010 of 877, 000 USD and yet was unable to find a single maligned event in the game over the year when there's been smoke all over. From fearing about rogue elements in the game a few years back to being called a ‘toothless tiger’, it has yet to come up with a single implicative exposure.

Fair enough that ACSU is not a law enforcing body, but if sting operations such as these have to be effected by newspapers – in this case by one that no longer exists - where do we find the authority for such a body? How do we stop seeing it as an organization that alienates itself from methodologies that should be applied to investigate the corruption in the game, and have it not make a joke of its own integrity by reopening already run alleged match-rigging cases? Or starts taking seriously the recommendations from the likes of protagonists such as Rashid Latif, and just not be handing out cushy jobs for former policemen with zilch authority.

During the proceedings, Ravi Sawani amazed everyone when he revealed he did not even know what ‘brackets’ are, even on the Unit claiming it has had a fairly extensive reach in the betting world. It’s the same apathy, which enables Lord Condon to advise enforcing bans on countries involved in cricket corruption. If that were to be the case, then we might end up with Test nations that can be counted on fingers in one hand, for it simply is not a country-specific issue (Mervyn Westfield should agree).

It has been reported that the employment of cricket-savvy personnel has been recommended in the Unit, pretty much annulling the mindset of having police and military officers run its affairs meticulously. Along with the scrutinizing of cricketers with non-detailed monetary wealth, this sounds as a form of overhauling of ACSU. How much do these steps, once executed, cater to the exposure of corruption in the game is to be seen.

Pete Rose, in the 80s, bet thousands of dollars on the game which made him world famous. He was banished from baseball, but was not sent behind bars. There are other analogous examples of dismissed careers of rogue men in various sports over the years. In fact, this has been the first instance in the last 50 years when sportsmen have been sent to prison. For this specific scandal, rightfully christened as the grandest of its kind in cricketing history, those who are part of the lynch mob would always profess that justice was served and some of the antagonists may even want severer sentences, disregarding the fact that the already handed out ICC bans have potentially sealed their playing careers.

These prison sentences could be seen as deterrents only if uniformity in legislating legal cricket betting is adopted and jurisdictions which were utilized for trying the trio in court are replicated in other playing countries. Australia, for one, desires to make fixing illegal by next year through specialized legislation, which, undoubtedly, would have to be seen as a major step.

Perhaps the argument here intersperses more between condemning a justice system that doesn’t seem to function on level playing field and being dismayed over an organization whose productivity begs answers with not much to show on paper, advocating the view of custodial sentences in this case being seen as a mopping up affair rather than significant deterrents.

Even though our collective moral compasses may never be aligned to come to a consensus on whether putting the three players behind bars is impediment enough, but few people would disapprove the frightening scenario in which a teenager like Amir would have found himself in facing the underworld threats and then to come clean. If my visits to the Southwark Crown Court have forced any realization, it is that the vagaries of on-field betraying acts have less to do with the criminal courts and are more concerned with the actual fabric of the game, the principles it stands for and the authorities that are meant to be providing it the due protection.

"Tip of the iceberg" - you said it when Hansie did it, when Azhar was 'nailed' and now you have labelled this the same. “It’s not Cricket”, Justice Cooke remarked in the opening sentence of the verdicts, which I’m pretty sure we have heard before in the previous years.

Don’t let these clichés fool you time and again, dare I say.

- This post was first published at The Sight Screen.

A sad day for the authentic man's game

2011-05-05T11:56:00.006+01:00

This is not about raising your flags up for feminism, neither it is about women rights. It is not about putting it to the misogynists and anything that demeans the gentleman's game. This is about trampling every principle, every notion and every manly aesthetic that this beautiful game stands for. It is a sheer loss of a sizable faith in humanity and this game for many cricket payers, followers and enthusiasts.

Let's be honest, the very grace of this sports has been dented today. The appointment of Stuart Barbie Broad as England's T20 captain is an utter humiliation on immense levels. It is nothing less than picking George W. Bush as your Bentley's chauffeur, embracing Kamran Akmal as your butler or buying Asif Ali Zardari as your dog. Here is a serial petulant, a lunatic twat and a shameless absconder who has been chosen to take command of the men of the land from where the game originated. Above all, a human being who has been wanted for years for her crimes against masculinity has been handed the job. And with credible candidates like Bell, KP and others deserving the honor way before her, the very notions of merit and justice have been degraded. This is beyond sane human comprehension and exceeds many of the what-the-fuck moments in cricket.

And today it is for T20, God knows how much this game will suffer, how many mental and phsyical casualties occur and what exactly would transpire if this miscreant is tipped to be leading England in other formats sometime later. One can only pray that more dreadful days don't come.

The only sense one can make out of this diabolical decision is that ECB and Giles Clarke have started importing the C-grade ganja from Ijaz fucking Butt on cheap prices. Also, they may have given in to all the feminazis who never stopped moaning about how the men version of this game needs an incentive for them to have their voices and agendas heard. There is another school of thought which believes that this decision is a shining example for all those fucking wankers who have their faith in their daddies and their name taking them to places. Chris papa Broad has ultimately done it for his girl, after shielding him for years being as a shambolic and disgraceful match referee.

Moreover, few people have also termed it as an effect of the incessant pressure English men used to put on ECB about how their birds don't take interest in this game anymore. When there is a religious and maddening devotion to football in the country and overload of manly disguised cunts such as the Ferdinands, Rooneys and the Nevilles, cricket has been taking a grave battering for several years now and almost all the female folk has given in to footy. Hence, the tactic of having a vaginal scum and an allegedly promiscuous woman leading the present World Champions in T20 format should influence more viewing and work for the betterment of this aspect. We can only assume.

Having said that, 5th May 2011 is and will be embedded in history as an extremely sad day in English cricket, Notts county and the game. It's a damning day for all the sports in the world, honesty speaking. This day shall be remembered for the clamping down by one of cricket's central authorities on it's country's youth and their enthusiasm, for running out of inspirations to drag them in the game and to tarnish it's elegance. Those who are responsible for it will have to answer for this one day. They will be prosecuted for such a crime against the upcoming generations of English cricket and for the conscience of this game.

And this decision, been announced at the perennial home of cricket, that is Lord's is a shame in itself.

Let the mourning begin.

p.s. Anyone reading this who is unsure of Barbie Broad's gender should know she has endorsed her sexual orientation many a times. Here's just one of the proofs: Barbie accepts he is a eunuch. (Click the link). Since it is in Punjabi, the literal translation is: "If you're not a girl, you are surely an eunuch." -- yeah mate I agree I think...

Late addition: Barbie's official statements in the morning presser:

1. "I vow to inspire eunuchs, females and castrated men into cricket. I do have a vagina."

2. "I'll make sure the very spirit of the gentleman's game is ripped apart. I shall live upto the stakes of me being the serial absconder."

Welcome to the Cult, Chosen Ones - Post TGME

2011-04-05T07:23:00.004+01:00

Before reading into this, please watch this first. Robin Williams wants to tell you something.

To put it as mildly as possible, the gist of his talk revolves around how you can't boast about certain things in life unless you have experienced them, you have lived those very moments and breathed in them. It is a speech that helps in preceding practicalities of life to its theories, assists in identifying walkers from the talkers and supports in the culmination of separating men from the boys. It gives pointers to the two ends of life spectrum, the best moments and the worst. It tells you about how you can fall in and fall out of love with life. And many other things associated with it.

30th March 2011 was one such event in the aftermath of which Robin Williams's words to Pakistani cricket fans, especially the ones who had their hearts ripped apart due to their first major cricket heartache, would have connected. But possibly, the occasion was meant for a selective few, the already blessed ones - the ones who relived the pain of years and decades through this new generation of victims, the ones who would guide the new flock of loyalists to the world where they belong to and try to force the glory cashiers to get off the bandwagon.

And in the words of Frank Slade, "When the shit hits the fan, some guys run and some guys stay."

That exactly was the shit which broke loose on 30th March 2011, and the kind which provided a test.

Absorb this scene. It will either make or break you for your remaining lives.

It's been a good few days since TGME happened. I guess by this time most of the Pakistanis are done with at least 3 of the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger and bargaining seem to be dealt with by the majority who was nuts about this match and was taken in by it's well-deserved hype. For all 5 phases to sink in together, let me be honest, was not and is no easy deal. Even for the die-hards and the serial masochists of Pakistan cricket, it hasn't been smooth going.

Let's face it, it's been a tough ride. A post-traumatic phase, which you would have dreaded after a humongous build up and a match of such magnitude, did transpire. To understate anything else would be insulting to those who have been shell-shocked, wept relentlessly, gone into week long depression, broken mobile phones, TV sets, overdid on their venting out mechanisms and everything that has to do with getting rid of the misery suffered at Mohali. And then to add to all of this, India took the trophy couple of days later. Bam!

But then, this agonizing journey means only for those who can absorb it all and will cross over to the other side of the fence. The end which makes a life of a Pakistani cricket fanatic - the holy cult.

As far as India is concerned, one would believe we have had it all. We have seen the self-inflicted mindfuck at Bangalore '96 happen, lived through the horror of Manchester '99 and survived the colossal torment at Centurion '03 (which for me personally, is right up there with the severest cricket heartbreaks).

But hey, it has not always been about India in World Cups. If it had been the case, it would be a crass evaluation of the traits of a Pakistan cricket nut.

Adversity teaches..

There have been many days when life has seemingly ceased to exist for the current crop. We have watched our greats implode at Faisalabad '97, the lifetime heart-breaker of Lord's '99, the Aussie bigotry of Hobart '99, the injustice at Antigua '00, the finishing failure at Colombo '02, the Irish shocker of Kingston '07, the untimely choke at Galle '09 and few other major dents in between these two years.

Let's not dig deep into the past, maybe you would have lived through the agony of Sydney '10 or even the daylight robbery at St. Lucia '10. If you have, and you know what this bond is all about, the cost and hurt it comes with, the sardonic opposition you have to face, then you are definitely one of us.

Moreover, amidst all these unforgettable on-field clusterfuck of tragedies, we have lived through cricket's unfathomable episodes and events. The major part of our 90s was plagued with players factions and groupings, match fixing scandals, all of which was never rooted out and hence 2000s were inbred with them. We had players cheat, banned, fined and disgracefully retired; continual changes in administration giving our cricket the image of a neglected orphanage; coaches ending their tenures even before their first payslips were handed and have had one foreign coach (who had more Pakistaniat than many of us) die; politicians, ex-army generals interfere with the sports and leaving it paralyzed, terrorists attack on a visiting team thus ending any international cricket prospects in the country. And to the dismay of all of it, most of these things still haunt with their presence and their activities.

Food for your souls, dear believers

These are not your average causes of psychotherapeutic disorders. These are the ingredients for resistance and the bits that make you.

Ours is no Liverpool or Arsenal Football Club where if you don't win silverwares, you can fall back on history and say, hey we can bitch about you on basis of our past glories. Yes we do have a glorious past, have won almost everything in the game and have had almost every record accomplished, yet ours is not the way to fall back on yesteryear splendors. Among all the madness and sadness, we have learnt to live in the moment and that is where we get our strength from and one of the modes of how we feed our demented souls.

Life beckons, bleed green

This is a mosh-pit where believers learn to cope with sadism after being put through incessant tests of callous and maddeningly inconsistent on-field acts.

This is a congregation of habitual masochists who have taken the brunt of backing the only assembled lunatics of this game and never to subside easily.

This is a deranged mob of omnipotent vertebrates who have seen miracles transpire on a cricket field and have manifested in bleeding green only.

And once you have become the part of this cult..

You will come out of heartbreaks stronger, knowing that amidst all the perennial joys that Pakistan cricket provides you'll be able to live through the rugged of moments. You will know that you are a class apart from the glory hunters, fair weather folks, World Cup specialists and cricket cocktails who rode with you at some point of your evolution. You will realize that there is an unnerving self belief in you that is instilled only because you worship this cricket team and it will replicate in many things in life that you do.

Once there, times will come when you will feel being amputated, psyched out, mentally incapacitated and still being able to physically function. There will be stages when you will be staring in the mirror for hours and still be able to laugh if off. There will be times when it will occur to you that you are unable to cry anymore and the tears won't come out. And then there will be times when you will be lending the fresh jingoists your shoulder to cry on because yours has become strong enough to sustain their weight, and you'll be telling them "This too shall pass."

These will be few of the symptoms through which you will know you have become a Pakistani cricket masochist and have converted into a specie so unique that the world gets fascinated by you and finds pacification of sorts by watching you. You will be the embodiment of Rudyard Kipling's If..

Welcome to the holy cult, chosen ones. Welcome to the greener side.

Abhi ishq ke imtihaan aur bhi hain.. (More tests of your love await you..)

Well done Senator Rehman Malik

2011-03-28T14:45:00.005+01:00

Dear Senator,

I wonder what have you been smoking lately or have been in rehab (I wouldn't know) but going by your today's morning media stunt related to Pakistan cricket team, you surely have lost a bit of respect you had in my eyes and of many Pakistanis. I won't take long, since this is a quick one and pretty random but an important rant, and now I firmly believe you are not the best man to be wasted time on while writing anything. But hey, I won't be hard, I'll try to refrain from going crude (which is a mighty tough job for me).

Right then sir. We all know of your credibility and stature as a politician, interior minister and a man responsible for public service. We all know how you keep running with your panty in a twist on alleged corruption charges, court summons and every bit of hideous heroics that can be committed by a national public office bearer. We all know you fulfill the definition of being an attention seeking whore and an utter fool. Exhibits: your apparent dramatization in internal affairs of country, be it going to Karachi after days of bloodshed to mediate with the clashing parties or your immature stance on blasphemy issue.

A lot can be written on your own shenanigans, the watchdogs that should be kept on your head, but then all this isn't a political rant nor a senile anti-PPP post. All this should just be a basis of what you did today morning.

You literally inflicted pain and headache, in simple terms. To Pakistan, its cricket crazy people and above all, the team.

Didn't you like your team doing a near-perfect World Cup campaign and now just 40 odd hours away from what is being bid as the greatest game of this decade, tournament, lives and what not? Why then such a "warning" to your players amidst such intense period? Where do you yourself stand in honesty?

Didn't you know when you talk about certain sensitive issues, you keep your head and not behave as an utter nutjob? Ever heard of exercising discretion? Spying on our team, fair enough but to let it out in open? Heaven's sake.

Didn't you know when the last time a politician who had no concern with cricket spoke and pointed fingers, what hell transpired? You forgot how your buddy Jamshed Dasti sparked off that worst phase in our history? Starting from one of the best captains resigning on his accusations on the team performance and the rest is history.

Mid-rant conclusion: You should not monkey with a monkey's monkey when it's not your field of expertise.

Here was a bunch of your own players who were battered emotionally, psychologically and in cricket's physical terms through loss of players, credibility and non-favorable results, more than any other team in the game in the past 7 months and beyond. These months formed the worst period in Pakistan's cricket history filled with relentless screw ups and lunatic phases. How more can they take and still keep pulling off massive feats in the middle?

They themselves had clearly put it before entering this tournement that they were a hurt side and will be using all the criticism and the sporting underdog tag as motivation to perform well here. And sure they have. Lead by a man who had matured beyond his mental capacity in a matter of weeks and had successfully shut his critics with his performance and his captaincy, they have done their fans proud by getting to the last four and now seeing eye-to-eye with the favorites.

You betrayed all of them. You ignited the fire that had so gradually puffed out. You talked on something, which you just should not have.

Who needs a Shiv Sena or a fascist party in a country where your players are supposed to be tensed about their security and are psychologically downplayed, when your own country's topnotch government official screws your brain for it?

Who needs an utterly biased media who's bent on producing nonsensical bullcrap of the grandest class on daily basis, whether it be to get TRPs, demean the opposition country and team or for other motives, when we have you to degrade our national representatives. We all won't be stunned anymore in watching all the news channels cashing on this, be it an Indian channel or Pakistani.

Umar Gul is said to be bemused and quizzed when he was questioned on it during today morning's presser. We all know for a fact your words have gone through. But hey, I have belief in the boys. We have belief in them. They shouldn't and won't be shaken up by your air-headedness. And now just for the sake of all the build up of the game, it's value and for your bastardization, we pray they win this contest bigtime.

On a side note, even Ijaz Butt is proud of you today. And made the remaining hours leading upto this titanic clash more restless.

Oh between, apart from Indians and non-Pakistanis making fun of you on Twitter and cyber networking sites, deservedly, your bemused countrymen have been fittingly attributing you with phrases and labels for your poisoning today. Here's one of the best ones: Heard the Mazhar Majeed Memorial Asshole of the Year Award goes to @SenRehmanMalik. Well deserved.

So, that's about it for the time being. Trust me, I've not vented out in the best manner I know while writing, so term yourself lucky here. But then again, I really feel the need of something for you. Have a listen here.

God bless you with some sense. Amen.

Prescribed Ettiquettes and Attitudes for TGME (The Greatest Match Ever)

2011-03-28T10:54:00.000+01:00

# 1: Please don't make tiresome bullshit political analogies. Lazy bloggers, opportunistic Aman Ki Asha-ists and op-ed writers, we are looking at you. It takes the gist away from this mighty cricket match.

#2: This match will NOT defeat terrorism, nor it will root out any extremists on either side of the border. Also, keep away any lunatic thoughts of intelligence agencies cashing on it as a strategic asset.

#3: This match is not about fucking peace or Kashmir or Hindus or Muslims. Its the most important game, this sport ever conceived. Take it in that vein.

#4: Dear fair weather fans, welcome to your brief stay in our cauldron of madness. Please stop making references to the 2000 World Cup and other things that never happened, and we promise not to kill you during the first drinks break.

#5: Loser desi footie fans, if you're going to compare this to ManU v Liverpool, El Classico or some shit, please piss off right now, you won't be spared.

#6: Cricket will NOT be the winner. Stop even thinking of fucking saying anything related to that notion without the NOT in that statement. It really does tick us off.

#7: To all those who are bemoaning how cricket obfuscates the region's real problems and this how match will be the proof, we are sorry your mommy never loved you..

#8: If you read about complaints of cyber orgasms, squirting, constipation, illnesses et al. on social networks in the remaining hours leading up to the match starts, don't fucking complain. Live with it.

#9: For all those who are terming this as the cricket's holiest war, End of Times, Judgement Day et al. we fucking love you. It is going to be just that, in that Colosseum.

#10: For Indian and Pakistani expats and homegrown fans now living abroad, we empathize with you the most. It's genuinely tough being a hypocrite on face to each other while watching a Pak-Ind match together, so let's stay like that not bring each other women in verbal ways discreetly.

#11: A cricket match was never won through Facebook polls and never will be. Especially, when it is the Grand Daddy of 'em all on Wednesday. So, take our advice and avoid these kinky heroics.

- This post was co-authored by Ahmer Naqvi who blogs at Karachi Khatmal. It was first published here at Clear Cricket.

Payback is a mean bitch - To the 12 years of pain.

2011-03-20T06:56:00.005Z

Redemption time, bitches

For most of The Shawshank Redemption fans, there is a belief that the crux of the movie mainly are these couple of scenes where Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins (Andy) deliberate about hope and how it drives you in tough and uninspirational times. It indeed is utterly beautiful. Have a watch.

When a sport is next to life for you, and the team you root for is all you own up to at the end of the day, the resulting barricade of memories is a massive burden to deal with. More mentally rigorous is when the good times often get overshadowed by the nightmarish ones. And then you live your days, months, years and in some cases, distinct instances in desolation and anticipation that things may just turn good for you at some conjecture of time. It's tough to handle the heartaches inflicted and to take it for years till the reprisal time is eventually around.

So maybe, hope is what carries you through such phases, as much as it does in many other parables and constructs of normal life.

At times, a specific battle in the whole campaign is worth a truckload of significance, no matter if it does not contribute in the long term of you succeeding in taking the ultimate prize. Probably because so much has been expected of it for some time already. Yesterday's Pakistan vs Australia World Cup ODI was just that kind of a cricket game. For Pakistan may face Australia very soon in the Semi Final in few days time, that would more be about where their individual destinies would be defined but for now the personal anguish and pain of the previous years has subsided to a large extent thanks to Lala and his men.

If this was just another Pakistan World Cup game, this blog would have not seen this post (since it doesn't feature any senile reviews of the matches or teams/players performance). After a Pakistan-India showdown, the most riveting and schizophrenic fixture is a Pakistan-Australia one, at least for a Pakistani who has lived through the years of gold and dust of Pakistan cricket. There may not have been enough engaging parallels for this contest, the recent history and abysmal looking stats may not have seconded taking this as anything of a warcry from a Pakistani perspective but then it's only history, dedication and hurt which enables one to know how intense this meant and how the insides cringed and ached for getting over the line. This one fucking time.

All because this had overwhelming pain riding all over it. Of years and of tears. And of incessant hope.

The perpetual pain of 20th June 1999 and the agony of 11 February 2003 - of watching a dream World Cup final end in you being in tatters and tears; and of experiencing your greatest ODI XI being clobbered around four years later squandering an initial commanding position provided by one last bowling burst of your cricketing god. Hence, those two World Cups, which are the most intensely scripted in memory, blown up into smithereens by one opponent only culminating in years of distress and misery to live with.

Yesterday was neither about winning the fucking cup just as yet nor it was about playing to the gallery in any aspect. It was not primarily about ending the 34 match World Cup winning streak of the Aussies neither the 28 match unbeaten run of Punter. It was not much about sending them packing for their lowest total in last 6 World Cups nor much for the pride of being the team who has beaten them on either end of their World Cup winning sequence.

Perhaps, it was part of growing in the process of abandoning the psychological trauma which Pakistan has been subjected to whenever it came up against Australia since the mid late 90s and was about coming out of the shell of astounding proportions of fuckups and combating Aussie's once cricketing sadomasochistic traits. It was also an attempt to ease the sufferings of Hobart '99, C&U Finals '00, Lords '01, Colombo '02, Sydney '10, St. Lucia '10. Above all, it was the subsequent step to what was handed to them last summer here in England - the 2-0 T20 win and the ending of the 15 year test win drought at Headingley, the latter whose memories kept flashing incessantly yesterday while the bit-by-bit was being done by the boys. Sitting in the stands on 24 July 2010, gut-wrenched and mind-numbed, couldn't have been more gripping for me. Watching on telly on 19 March 2011 had startling similarities.

Yesterday was about overcoming Australianism. That too in a fucking World Cup, with some style. It was payback time and it was worth the bloody wait.

Here's to this massive win. And for all those who need to know how passion has a fucking funny way of trumping logic. Feed on this.

The 10 Commandments of Shahid Afridi

2011-03-16T01:09:00.003Z

For the love of the one and only, Lala.

1. Thou shall eat the forbidden cherry, whilst pirouetting your spikes on the pitch

Despite 30-odd cameras zooming in on you, the horniness shouldn't subside. I don’t ask where I can find caulk for my brains for such grand tomfoolery, I provide it myself. Zidane took inspiration from me, just to put it straight.

See what Hitler had to say about it here and here.

2. Thou shall never age and still be the motherfuckin' sweet 16

Your second generation will be air-bowling in TV lounges and your abs may ache over this immortal reality, but I’ll still be the ageless wonder. Blame my 6 year old late birth certificate or immortal age-reversal cream usage; I don’t give a damn.

Courtesy: Bored Cricket

3. Thou shall drop your milk nurser and retire randomly

Of course, you all know I do this every second day. Only thing that matches this non-Inzydental faux pas is the frequency of putting my fingers through my hair locks. The mantra is simple: if I don’t feel horny for it, I call it a day; then when I’m done with my soul-suffocation, I’m back in the ring. Voila!

And no, its not an ADHD symptom.

4. Thou shall perpetually implement “Chakka qanoon da” (Six is the law)

It’s been there since I held that willow in my hand and will forever be a relic from my Afridi tribe. Even if the next ball is a dismissal via an ugly slog or a contemptuous charge, my wicket makes me the epitome of indecipherable nuisance.

And even if all the booming makes me a bloodthirsty holy satan (Exhibit: mini-bloodbath at Lord's).

5. Thou shall be the most romantic man in the game’s history

“Hit me with your rhythm stick, its nice to be a lunatic.” Imagine watching cricket without my PDAs and you know you will instantly switch to footy or netball. Kallis felt it, even Fidel Edwards had the scent of it. Besides, I have a penchant for the cheeks of my own lads, ask Akmal or Shoaib Mirza. I am cricket’s PG-rated dominatrix.

6. Thou shall speaketh 10 phrases in one English sentence

You may fall off your chair, throw up, or have a relentless asthma attack, but the incessant mix of ‘thanks God, thanks boys, thanks crowd [sic]‘ must not relent. It’s the same chronic rush that does rounds in my head when I have the bat in my hand, and will only stop when my boys hand me some cyanide pills.

They call it my bloody attention span.

7. Thou shall affectionately address my boys

Don’t get me wrong here, it’s my brotherly love for them, be it nonchalantly calling Hafeez a gandu (asshole) and a chutiya (twat), or sizing up Yasir Hameed’s mental age as that of a 15 year old. Neither will any social etiquette course better me nor would any meth-sponsored literacy campaign help, its just the Shahid bhai way.

8. Thou shall forever ridicule Miandad’s ‘shingal doubal’ mantra

That senile bloke doesn’t seem to get it even after my ‘sexually frustrated toddler’ shenanigans over the past 14 years. I just don’t have the thing for ‘singles’ or ‘doubles’. So all you geriatric coaches, managers and seniors, get this straight: its either the Afridi Playstation way, or the highway.

9. Thou shall work in every single TV commercial

From selling rice to being ditched by a hottie for Shoaib Mirza, you know I have done it all. Got to tell you, my silky strands have been a favorite man fetish for Head & Shoulders. They say my recent ad for a UK claims company has landed 300+ false claimants behind bars. And the Boom Boom merchandize is not my brainchild, I'll sue those bastards. Don’t blame me, yaar!

10. Thou shall keep encapsulating Pakistan cricket in the grandest way

Expect me to be your gargantuan letdown one day and the werewolf you love on another. The mercurial swagger contained; the whimsical aura oozing; the cornered tiger personified, I have called the shots and I will until the day Afridi tells Afridi it’s time to pack.

- This was first published here at Alternative Cricket, a trend-setting website aimed to fight the orthodox cricket writings and has initiatives for the betterment of the game (proceeds from their book go towards Afghan youth cricket scholarship).

Fast bowling - of orgasms and its mega porn star

2011-02-27T21:08:00.053Z

"A middle stump dismissal by Shoaib Akhtar is better than a hundred million orgasms you fake."

Yesterday, when Shoaib Akhtar got Mahela Jayawardene neck and crop sending back his middle stump with a high 80 miles in-dipper, something transpired in me. Now you would be thinking I will be simply saying I had an orgasm (going by the topic of this post) and taking the piss on me which I'd understand since it won't make much sense of me putting up such a cliche; so no, I won't say that. But what I will try to put through you is that something inside me got completed; as a cricket fanatic, as a fuckin' wannabee tearaway quick. That sight of the timber being knocked backwards wreaked a tense feel through my body's neuromuscular set-up that had parallels with the ones I've been blessed by watching the very man and the few other showmen over the years.

Much on the Rawalpindi express (who is in its archaic days, yet still got enough steam to do its designated stations) later in the post, let's get down to what exactly are we talking about. A fast bowling orgasm? Seriously, yes. Its neither your conventional cricket term nor for which you'll find a definition in MCC manuals, Wisden Almanacks or any cricket books. However, I'll try to put my peace of mind through here in the best way possible.

Jarrod Kimber once gave a mighty fine description of what a female orgasm is like in cricketing sense or how it can be circumscribed in its proximal best with fast bowling.

Jump straight to 03:43 in the video and concentrate till 05:21 (You really don't need to care about the rest of the video). And try to get what he's on about.

You get him? He talks about a feel, the very moment when everything related to is perfect. Get your cricketing grey cells switched on and you'll connect with whatever he said there.

If you're a fast bowler or anywhere close to its definition, you'll know what it is like to do your perfect delivery. Its a dream, a utopian one which you want to actuate in the match. You can do hours and hours in nets perfecting it but when the stage arrives to execute it, it needs way more than a bucket load of iron wits, venomous mastery and balls of steel. All that to bring about the phase where you feel your genitalia moving and when you're at the peak of delivery, you feel it and you know, its done. Once it gets absorbed, you get into one of the most sublime refractory periods experienced and you don't feel the need for more stimulation. It is the purpose of your life.

"It gets your blood going, the adrenaline is pumping, you're in a fight. To me that's what cricket is all about." - Shoaib Akhtar

Monstrosity

You can hoop a batsman around, play with his patience, off stump, footing and whatever your talent and art makes you conjure up. Do it with the new ball; seam it with lateral movement and get on with the conventional swing. Or with the old ball; cutters and reverse swing. But to come up with something like that, needs the beast within yourself to wake up. A raging bull is what you need to be, a hungry badgered monster and a gnawing bulldog - making every guide of brutality and pain proud.

In the words of James Hatfield, its about riding the lightning and as Kings of Leon put it, its sex on fire.

Yo bitches, I got my own swagger

And who better to make you realize all this than the genetically modified beast that is the eternal comeback king - Shoaib Akhtar. The sweat pig who keeps pounding on the batsman with perennial zest, taking him to full throttle or bending him and doing it hard. That's what embodies belligerently hardcore fast bowling. And you either man the fuck up or go home. Monstrosity.

He is all about being the cocky show-stopper, enough to have your box office tickets bloody well worth.

Royal Rumble - Come to mama!

For me, he will remain the ultimate porn star of this game. Right from his first appearance in late 97' till today, it is almost 14 years of non-fizzling pop and incessant fetish for him. Be it him thundering batsmen with 100 mph grenades, pulverize their heads, bodies and toes or being caught up in off-field gags, he epitomizes the rebellion and the violent child in each of us. He signifies freedom, defies norms and has been (or maybe forced to be) the ideal societal outcast. Akhtar is the wounded being who has had more comebacks in his career than seen in any of the WWE 90s classic summer-slams.

Apart from this being his last World Cup, it may very well be his last ODI series; hence a swan song worth living through. This is to the 35 year old superhuman amalgamated with the hyper-extensive anatomy, plethora of controversies and endless medical anecdotes for some of the visceral fast bowling orgasms that he has made the world experience over a decade and a half.

I may not do full justice here but some of the selections are as dear as anything in cricket for me and are at times, the best remedy for depression (also if wasting nights for these YouTube clips, saving photos on your hard drive, air-bowling in his style and then doing it in nets can be termed as part of being a fan). Note that this can hardly be called a tribute of any form to this enigmatic specie of world cricket. And for an intimate piece of writing that could be honest to him, one would need to do countless nights and eat up all the light years. Also, here its more of a focus on the mastery and art that he has displayed over the years rather than the morbid missiles which knock the face off his preys and have them bleeding. Yes, shattered timbers and the sight which a fast bowling addict dies for, is what we'll concentrate and waste ourselves here on.

The show stopping montage by the beast

My top 5 picks are Sachin 99', Ponting 02', Kallis 03', Trott 10' and yesterday's Mahela. And I proudly call this the Hall of shame. All have either their middle stump pinged back or lying on the floor. Above all, the first 3 are undoubtedly the greatest batters of their era with the other two being world-class performers too.

Special mentions to Boucher 98', Laxman 99' & 04', Steve Waugh 99', Flintoff 05', Dravid's 07'.

Let's get wasted!

I. Rahul Dravid's leg stump and Sachin Tendulkar's middle, Kolkata '99

First ball, base of middle stump, culminating in the first and the only golden duck of Sachin. The deafening welcome and the bullring noise of Calcutta turned into the endless moments of pin-drop silence. The birth of Shoaib Akhtar.

This is where it all started, in actuality. A hot blistering day, with India in charge at 147-1, he came up with arguably two of the greatest consecutive deliveries bowled in the game's history. As much as the banana-shaped one which got Dravid is an eternal ripper, the one to the batting god of his time is which basically has all this talk based on and which initiated a love story so passionate that even God hasn't had enough of it after more than a decade of break ups, fuckalls, disasters and whatever tragedy you can associate it with.

II. Jacques Kallis, Faisalabad '03

Four years later in October heat of 2003, he gave the doze to another great of his era, bending the white ball with divine touch, brutal force and classic execution.

III. Ponting knocked over by a rippa! - Melbourne (Docklands) '02

Don't want to spoil this for you since Bill Lawry's reaction should be enough. This man was at his prime then, nothing was impossible for him. Ended up with 5-25 in one of the best ever spells seen in modern ODI history.

IV. Jonathan Trott, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '10

If his latest comeback could be summarized in any better dismissal than this, do let me know since this is where he personified what his post June-2010 resurgence has been all about. Playing in 18 ODIs (and counting) and more than a dozen T20s, all without breaking down; with a stamping attitude of a shrewd fox and a senior statesman of the team. Stats may not do full justice to this return in the colored flannels but plays like this scream of his box office aura that is still there.

V. Mahela Jayawardene, Colombo '11

This just happened yesterday, so it couldn't be anymore fresh than this. This was special, really was.

Picture this - Brought back in his 2nd spell in need of a desperate breakthrough with two of the world's best batsmen at the crease (Mahela & Sangakkara), he produces a masterclass. Sets him up with a slower cutter, then a bouncer outside off, then this length in-dipper. Perfect foreplay and immaculate execution. Talk about telling who still is the boss out there.

- Rahul Dravid, Delhi '07

In the fading end of his test career and his last series vs India in 2007-08 season, he once again produced a corker. Pitching on length around off, jagging back and getting through the gate of arguably the best copy-book batsman of his era, Rahul Dravid The Wall. Though it didn't exactly knock back the middle stump, however the mastery of his producing it with the end result makes it worth to remember.

And the rest are all yours (Tried putting them in order of his career timeline).

- First 5 wicket haul (4 bowled, 1 LBW) at Durban, '98. Boucher one is special. 'Nuff said.

- VVS Laxman, Kolkata '99

- Russel Arnold, Dhaka '99

- Steve Waugh, Headingley WC '99

- Stephen Fleming, Old Trafford WC '99

- Nathan Astle, Old Trafford WC '99

- 6-11 against New Zealand, Lahore '02

5 clean bowleds. Richardson, Fleming and Martin with middle stump uprooted, Harris and Horne with their off stump done with. Does it get any more breath-taking than this?

- Adam Gilchrist, Colombo '02

- Mark Boucher, Faisalabad '03

- Mark Boucher, Lahore '03

- Virender Sehwag, Rawalpindi '04

- VVS Laxman, Lahore '04

- Marcus Trescothick, Faisalabad '05

- Freddie Flintoff, Faisalabad '05

- Ashley Giles, Multan '05

- Marcus Trescothick, Rose Bowl (Southampton) '06

- Darren Gough, Lord's '06

And what would this post mean without few of his stills.

Sachin, Kolkata '99 - The ultimate frame

Hallelujah! The Chosen One

World Cup 1999 - The Showman setting the biggest stage alight

Cleaning up Astle at Old Trafford WC '99 - Dead and buried

Merciless and hardcore brutal. Kallis being rooted out - Faisalabad '03

I do you in your hood - Showing Hayden where to go (Perth, Dec '03)

Ripping Sehwag's defense apart at Rawalpindi, '04

Laxman, Rawalpindi '04 - Middle to be seen nowhere. Breakneck stuff.

In between all this, just a small matter off crossing the 100 mph barrier. Did it more than once.

Trescothick, Faisalabad '05 - Too good, mate. Just bloody too good.

Flintoff, Faisalabad '05 - Absolute peach. Stumps flying.

What a fuckin' sight! Ah well. just routine destruction vigil - Giles, Multan 05'

Speeding more than light

The very first ball of the match. Gets Trescothick with an inswinging yorker at Rose Bowl '06

Dalaymple, Cardiff '06 - With arms wide open.

Another photographer delight. This time Goughy - Lord's '06

The exocet that brought down The Wall - Delhi '07

And then on his recent and possibly final comeback..

Inswinging yorker to Trott under lights, amidst a spell in which he did 8 consecutive overs. I was right there in the West stand. Dream come true watching him do it at Brit Oval, Sept '10

Say who's the boss? Dose repeated. Doing Trott again, this time at Southampton '10

Imma gonna rip your fuckin' balls off!

Scotty gets a reminder you got to treat the boss with respect - Eden Park, Dec '10

Jayawardene, Colombo '11 - Come with my gun smokin', you can smell death

Yo! Look at me, and tell me ain't I still the daddy?

And then he keeps doing this even at almost 36 years of age (Though there's the word of the speed gun going bonkers but whatever the fuck, ya'll know he's capable of pulling this off)

p.s. This imbecile blog owes its conception and existence to this very theme/topic and considers Shoaib Akhtar to be the godfather of all bloody badass motherfuckers in the world of cricket. Some day when this monster decides to call it a day, this web space may also breathe its last. And even if it won't, it will always take special honor to have anything worthy related to Akhtar out here. Long live, this holy son of Morgah.

p.s. II. Since this post has had an overwhelming response in the first 24 hours of its being up, I would like to link up this brief video shot by me at The Brit Oval, last summer when he bowled a fitness-proving spell of 8 overs on the trot, just to give a bit of more eye-candy to all fellow Shoaiby maniacs. It was some experience to see him run in relentlessly, most probably the last time I may have ever seen him live.

Can the boys do it? - The definitive preview of Pakistan for World Cup 2011

2011-02-14T01:36:00.004Z

Mercurial bastards

Brian Philips, in a recent post of his (which is perhaps the kind of blog that pays off all that money wasted on your liberal arts degree), asked if “story [is] something a lot of sports-writing struggles with? I mean story at the simplest level is, the this-happened-and-then-this-happened level, the level of basic immersion and suspense. Compared to, say, fiction, which is deeply invested in being able to create those sorts of total, head-spinning reality-transformations…

What would it mean to open up a newspaper or a blog and find a bunch of pieces that threw out the familiar conventions and tried to give you a vivid sense of what it was actually like to watch a match? What would the conventions of that genre be?”

That is some challenge, if you think about it.

Don’t worry, this is not how we are going to change the genre of sports-writing, but perhaps seeing as we are writing about this love-child of Salvador Dali and Christina Aguilera which is Pakistani cricket, we suppose it can’t be done the normal way either.

First things first, we Pakistanis are a very superstitious lot. It is generally agreed amongst devotees of Pakistan cricket that contrary to popular doctrine, our cricket is not really as mercurial as it seems. Instead, if everyone thinks we’ll do well, we fail. As soon as everyone thinks they’ll fall on their asses, Pakistan hypnotizes the world like a jiggling samurai in super slow-mo. So apart from sounding Rambo Rameez Raja bots, we’ll be as negative as possible in this article so that all of you think we don’t stand a chance…

…and then. [cue dramatic music]

Match Previews

If Mr. Phillips likes for us to think of sports writing in the sense of providing perhaps the visceral experience of describing what it feels like to watch Pakistan play a cricket match, then we don’t quite have the literary chops for it, but then if it wasn’t for keeping interest in different formats and aspects of this sport alive, Pakistan wouldn’t feature. It’s a simple rule of thumb.

So the question is, which teams will Pakistan lose to in a humiliating fashion?

Supposing if Pakistan lose two of their first three matches, it would mean a possible must-win match against Australia. New Zealand are our World Cup bitches, so they’re not a concern, and Zimbabwe are not as weak as the others, so losing to them would not provide the true gut-wrenching vomit-fest which a nail-biting loss to Kenya or Canada would. But Australia have no Hussey, and every time we don’t lose to them in a world cup group stage, we seem to make it to the final. Still, I think we’ll probably need the rain to save us. Possibly in a wash-out which coincides with Sri Lanka tying with Kenya or Canada.

Will they be partying like it's 1992?

On the note of disappointing all betting maestros- which also means being brutally honest and scarcely positive for a Pakistani- we are expecting walk-overs against the formality kids, i.e. Kenya, Canada and Zimbabwe. As for the stronger teams, we would really like to win at least one but you know if we do, there’s every possibility that we won’t win the cup since our Pakistani formula says win 3 major games against 3 major opponents and run away with a world title (circa 1992, 2009).

The major concerns (honestly) are the day-nighters against Sri Lanka and Australia at Premadasa. Our odds see us chasing under lights with that white ball making us dance like we have always done in such scenarios. But we already told you, we are not winning them, so we would like to advise Pakistani readers to do away with these concerns. On a side note, the gaps between our games are pretty constant and ideally suitable for our boys to beach around in the Lankan islands.

Strategy and Team Composition

How comical does this sound? Discussing a game plan for Pakistan team? Shredding notions here, we will try to make a feeble attempt. And if it wasn’t for the last couple of ODI series, we would have been even more clueless. So, what we observe is a revival of the famous 1992, 1999 WC approach, i.e. a solid start, improvise in the middle, end like programmed lunatics. Considering our divine ability of screwing up with the bat, a Pakistani fan should endorse this and hope we put up competitive totals for the bowlers.

We don’t remember any World Cup wins for Pakistan that involves tense chases. We either do comfortable chases, or implode. Hence, if we are to click, it’ll be the time old strategy of bat-first, bowl-em-out later. Anything other than that breaks the script and we’ll have no chance of winning. We are including the dew factor in this. Don’t worry. The paradoxical fact here is that out of the last 6 ODI run chases (versus SA & NZ), we have been successful in 3, came mighty close in one. So going by the seemingly existing game plans (surprise surprise), a good run chase can’t be ruled out, especially taking the placid nature of certain subcontinent tracks.

The bowling should not need much previewing. We are kept being told we have a bowling attack that can get teams cheaply or defend any total, given their switches are turned on; therefore we will just stick to the belief. Ideally, we shall start with Shoaib Akhtar/Wahab Riaz and Abdul Razzaq; with Saeed Ajmal, Shahid Afridi and Mohammed Hafeez in the middle, finished off by Umar Gul, Wahab and Ajmal in the death overs. Practically, brace yourself to witness Afridi screwing up the changes and overs quotas big time.

If Pakistan is to win this world cup, it would need a disastrous team-chemistry and wide spread dysfunctionalism. Which means that there will be great drama, and for every great drama there are heroes and villains – So who will Pakistan’s be?

Villians

Kamran Akmal – Do we even have to explain this?

Middle Order – The pitches and humidity and occasional swing will mean that the middle order is going to play absolutely shit while eating up an insane amount of overs. More importantly, their failures would also assist our greatest assets.

Shoaib Akhtar - (How my heart bleeds writing this) He’ll huff-and-puff and eventually we’ll drop him, with his subsequent affair with a Bollywood child-star providing the requisite scandal overshadowing our knock-out game victories.

Heroes

Abdul Razzaq – Late order madness, Chaminda-Vaas-in-his-grave bowling in Sri Lanka, looking perma-stoned while doing all this – the list of his qualities can go on.

Shahid Afridi – Expect him to keep baffling you with his captaincy talent. He just had the scare of his life by being cornered for a mere captaincy issue by the Butts, with the spot-fixing Butt doing more harm to his ghairat (ego) through his views than the puppy-face senile Ijaz. Moreover, being the Lala loyalists, we are tipping him to behave like the horny bulldog of 2009 and come big in the knock-out games with both bat and ball, preferably on April 2.

Wahab Riaz – We know this maybe a surprise for many since here we pick the fast bowler who will blow the horns and you all would be singing Gull-y Gull-y. Sorry, as much as we would want Gul to be the sorcerer, there’s a feeling that Jacket boy with his yorkers (reverse swinging ones too), change of pace, length variation etcetera could be the surprise package in this regard.

Verdict

Rambo-Raja says: Win the matches against the minnows and progress to the knock-out stages. From there on, be smooth operators and stream-roll teams in the next three. Take the Cup.

We think if Pakistan makes it past the first stage, there’s a high likelihood that it will face India in the quarters. If we beat them… (We can describe what that would feel like, but we think the emotions generated by even the possibility of imagining beating India in India during a World Cup would be so intense it is feared they would rip the space-time continuum).

However, since we always lose to them in the World Cup, playing them would end our Cup right there and then. So we will avoid them. By any means necessary. [Paging Mazhar Majeed, come in Mr. Mazhar Majeed]

After that we’ll need maybe a walkover or an earthquake to make it past one of the teams in the quarters and semis, while winning the other comfortably. Once that happens, unless we’re facing Australia in the final, we’ll script a scarcely believable story that would theoretically defeat extremism, corruption, poverty, ideological identity crises and bad smells from our country, and win the fuckin' World Cup.

Or first round exit.

Amen.

- This post was co-authored by Ahmer Naqvi who blogs at Karachi Khatmal. It was first published here at Clear Cricket.

Added later (For a bit of inspirational filler)

In loving memory: Mohammad Amir

2011-02-07T06:12:00.009Z

Broken wings, clipped

It is restful, tragedy, because one knows that there is no more lousy hope left. You know you're caught, caught at last like a rat with all the world on its back. And the only thing left to do is shout -- not moan, or complain, but yell out at the top of your voice whatever it was you had to say. What you've never said before. What perhaps you don't even know till now. - Jean Anouilh

Tragedies are painful to bear. Even more so when they are accompanied with a misery-ridden letdown. They hit with a force so instantaneous and ferocious that enduring them becomes a strenuous battle. A coherent mix of self-denial, shredded emotions and an essence of failure instills in you and it takes time for you to absorb all of it till the reality sinks in eventually. I don't really know what exactly to write here. I have been trying to bring myself to it but I just keep losing the gist of all that has been coalescing with my thought processes. Maybe, its my inability to deal with a loss of something dear, be it in the form of sports; or perhaps the interminable suffering that comes with it.

One can term the story of Mohammad Amir as The calamity of cricket or anything one could relate his catastrophic narrative with, I know it would not suffice. Even all the Shakespearean tragedies feel mellow somehow when I compare them with his. And some of them even have a second coming. But at the end of the day, that is mostly fiction and his is an actuality. However, I can't help but wish the truth that circumscribes all this is stranger than the reality which has surfaced. The inscription on his cricket epitaph has potentially been done, ultimately terminating an embracing attachment on personal level.

So what precisely is it that makes a person like me take him with such reverence?
His prodigious yet scarcely believable life story? Him being a product of a village unknown to the world, the life threatening dengue fever when he was 15 and having glucose drips 24 hours a day, the cricket upbringing under local coaches and the rest that's related to him coming into the international scene. For most people it maybe, but for me, it was just a filling for the backdrop of what was to be a scintillating affiliation for couple of cricket seasons. Maybe, a simple Wikipedia entry of him may help to complete the thorough picture. It was the Wasim Akram analogy, yes.

Reliving the legend

If the selection of Amir by Wasim in 2007 for the England U-19 tour was anything to go by, watching him in the 2009 T20 World Cup was the point where he became a subject of genuine interest. In all honesty, it was this reverse swing spell (into 6 mins) in Dunedin, late 2009, that cast the demeanor of permanence in him. Moving it both ways and with remarkable precision, he had already learnt to make the old ball talk like a gnarled old pro, alongwith a shrewd control over the new one. Even the old masters of reverse swing would have been proud of it. It was mesmerizing to watch and there was a widespread belief already that the cricket world has the next great southpaw after Wasim in making. Till this day, he had been giving hints of what he had to offer, be it the 2009 T20 World Cup in England where he was unearthed for the first time or the test series against Sri Lanka, but this was special. It was simply Wasim-like. This did it for me.

MCG was set alight the very next month with a five-for and made the Aussies notice him, and who better than them to evaluate a rising star in the game? He was easily the lone positive of a shambolic Pakistan tour down under. The T20 World Cup in West Indies and Asia Cup followed, and he was constantly getting polished and rising up the rating scale.

Then came the English summer which was being tipped as the most significant in Pakistani cricket history. With multiple series lined up against two of the world's best sides, he could not have asked for a more grand stage to play on. It started at Edgbaston in the T20 and I was there to watch the kid. He spearheaded the attack in presence of Akhtar and Gul, and we knew we had the best fast bowling line up in the world, and it sure was. Watching him knock those stumps and sending the Aussies back was an absolute treat. They were knocked off the perch with a series sweep 2-0. It was sweet mayhem.

On the electronic scoreboard at Headingley.
Photo by Masuud Qazi

And now it was time for the real examination of his monumental cricketing talent - white clothes, red duke cherry, overcast English summer and a world class opposition. He didn't take long to make waves, sending one exocet after another, demolishing the Aussies at Headingley with such command that they were on their knees and every single wicket of his still remains a treasured memory. Who would forget the consecutive cleaning up of Smith and Johnson? It was a relentless display of an outrageous and overwhelming talent. It was sheer raw flair and natural brilliance. Pakistan won a test match after 15 years against Australia and he was the fulcrum of that victory. And I was in the stands seeing him speak in the post-match ceremony. At my cricket club, folks of all ages were talking about his genius; it was soothing and it all felt like a perfect script for the cricket summer.

By experience and numbers in years and matches, he was dominating, outwitting and seducing men into batting blunders who were years and, in some cases, decades senior to him. It felt he was doing poetry with that ball so masterfully that it would move in whichever direction where he wanted it to. His intimidation of the opposition was so brutally awe-striking that you could be sure it was a divine wonder to behold. It was so visible that the world was his oyster. He had lit up a cricket summer in one hemisphere of the planet few months back and he was doing it in an even better way in the other just a few months later. His name was being inked in the record books and was anticipated to write them for years to come. He was blowing opposition batting line ups, be it The Oval or Lord's, with merciless zest. On track to become the poster boy of world cricket and of many a bedrooms walls, he had the world at his feet.

There was nothing he couldn't wish for and do

Television commercials and product endorsements were all lined up for him. Kids and men were awestruck with his precocious talent and mastery at such a tender age. Women of all age were going crazy on him and he was the latest obsession of Pakistanis. Wasim bhai was being made proud with every performance of his. Everything was as perfect as it could be in the world encircling an 18 year old prodigy.

Then disaster struck at the very home of cricket. Amidst a surreal spell of fast bowling in which he sliced and diced the English top order in a manner rarely seen in modern cricket, he committed a cardinal sin which was to have severe repercussions later on, ones which would never make him perform on any cricketing platform practically. Maybe I will fail to address what and why he committed the dreadful career suicide by overstepping that white line though the world may talk forever what it was. Whether it was the fallacy of a few thousand quids casting the devilish spell of whose ramifications his fledgling head couldn't decipher, only Amir knows. Or was it the moronic grooming of the dirty bastard Salman But and the serial absconder Asif under both of whom he was during those damned days and horribly became a prey of, every citation seems secondary. The mind goes numb when he and his aura are envisaged. He came across as a harmless soul bent only to perform at his best in those flannels. Like a schoolboy who was punctual, tidy and efficient in his grades and extra-curricula. Like a young folklore hero destined to achieve greatness and creating a unparalleled legacy. And somehow everything fell apart.

That Saturday of August 28 will forever haunt; it just has too much of pain buried in it. Apart from the day being a devastating one for Pakistan cricket performance-wise, the night theoretically broke the psychedelic bond between him and me, the music of another coming of Wasim Akram died for me, and my revived hallucinogenic passion for the game took a massive hammering. Practically, all this culminated on February 5th, 2011. It signaled the heartbreak for an intimate love affair of the sincerest form which had connections on a spiritual level and subsequently reopened cracks which will bleed perpetually.

Amir, I will be deadly honest with you. I have tried a lot in the last 5 months or so of giving my mind the maximum luxury of digression off you, conjuring countless thoughts related to the abundance of cricketing talent Pakistan has and that there won't ever be a stoppage of world class fast bowlers production but here my mind ceases to imagine; and that is when I make miserable attempts that there maybe another Amir waiting in the ranks. No, its just not practically possible. I know it, we all know it who felt you cast those holy essences. You were special to the world for what you were. It may get over and forget you, and never allow you a go at redemption but buddy, you will remain dear to me. As dear as anything in cricket I could relate to. Thanks for giving the immortal memories and for making me and millions relive Waz.

So long, champ.

-

This BBC interview added a day later.
This one isn't easy. For you, I'll just ask to look into his eyes. Maybe he really doesn't know what's happened and is happening (in another interview to Geo news, his state was similar- shell shocked). This is a heartbreak of a lifetime.

- This post was first published here at Clear Cricket.

One for the motherfuckin' fixer

2011-01-23T23:56:00.023Z

Smell it, bitch! What you gonna do when they come for you?

Mazhar Majeed,

Hope this one finds your godzillish dick face in the most demented of its shapes and with you bleeding through random paper-cuts of your last night's overdosing on ganja. All this may make you feel as a valuable subject, but swear by your mum's noxious womb, it goes a bit beyond it.

Let's start this with what we know about you: A high quality penny pincher, a fuckin' crumudgen and an obsessive lunatic scrooge. To cap it off, you are one moronic abhorrent piece of cunt. You are the classic example of the suffocating sickness that prevails in the psychologically distraught ends of any society. Here in your case, its a merger of two massively polarized societies and that is what makes you such an interesting subject. Wonder how much stakes of Faisalabad's morality would have gone down with your unearthing by NOTW and how much Surrey, its council and its people would like to vehemently disown and then lynch you in the car porch of your 1.8 million £ mansion. Who you are, what you do, almost everyone who knows a bit about cricket is aware of. So lets make this clear - you are an acclaimed human shame, neuropsychiatric phenomenon and yes, a bull-massive dickhead.

Now let's get down to the thrust of this tribute. Well, its pretty simple. Apart of it being a hateful vociferation of the syphilitic madarchod you are (for reasons apparent and understandable to any Pakistani or a cricket follower), this is a supportive gesture for the one man who you loathe and who Pakistanis and countless non-Pakistanis love to death: Shahid Khan Afridi.

You know the last few days have been enough to give an Afridi loyalist or a Pakistani cricket fanatic a mental seizure, mainly due to the word doing rounds of he being replaced just on the brink of the World Cup due in few days. And then the immense fuckall show by the boys in the 1st ODI against New Zealand compounded it a bit more. Hence, just when we thought lady luck and mr. karma were doing their most intimate orgy of bending Pakistan cricket over and fucking it for the upteenth time, you came to the party.

Just recently, you started tweeting at @Mazhar0000 (verified through credible sources) and amidst your footy club tweets, you came up with couple of tweets that were belching with vitriol and toxic. The "do not trust afridi" hit me, or let's say, hit many folks real hard. You should know why. Mainly because that man symbolizes us. He and his cricket are the microcosm of his nation and its people. His colossal fuckups epitomize their failures and his "I'll fuck your brains tonight if I'm in mood" successes remind everyone what they are made of. And just because amidst every disaster there still remains hope, resilience and the ever-present will to survive, we know Afridi is Pakistan.

So enlighten us, did an anaconda sized dick triggered such an impulsive gag reflex in you? Or because he has always wore his heart on his fuckin' sleeve? Or maybe he was the initial whistle-blower who pointed out to the team management of you screwing up his crooked boys before leaving for Pakistan after the Australia tests? Or perhaps because you just couldn't lock in the proud pathan?

Honestly speaking, I don't give a flying fuck if you go on buying the rogue bastards as long as they are exposed and you get your due share behind the bars. I don't care how you malign the image of the race or religion you belong to. Also, whatever be your sinful fetish be, it wouldn't appeal much. But maybe, I give a thought about the ones which you call family. Yes its time to get a bit personal now, you son of a bitch.

I feel your Indian missus must be tired of the ritual of walking up to the mirror every morning and slapping herself at least 20 times before her reflection laughs and pisses on her miserable face for having swallowed your filthy sediment cum the previous night. And I assume, by now she would have adapted fully to cursing her fate of marrying a mentally-inferior swine who utilizes her as a commercial latch and who isn't man enough to stand up to the fuckups he was caught up in. Here's an almighty tease: Ever wondered how bloody unholy the daily fucks would be which she burns with when your fart frosted hairy micro-penis penetrates her corrupt labials?

I feel sorry for her.

Maybe, your two young daughters will get reminded in a blissful manner on their first menopause that their father is a rotten vaginal scum whose sexual organ disintegrated belligerently in shape and size by the time they were conceived and whose human principles never existed. They will throw up on the thought of you being that motherfuckin' whore who, even on having iron nibs in his anus whilst doing illegal money-mongering and scams, had the rusty guts to preach his fuckin' corrupted morals to them. And one day, when they'll beg to God (which ever you have taught them to pray) for mercy on you, with the foremost plea being this:

Dear God, bless daddy with the path to righteousness. Show him the track that leads to chastity, not fuckin' disgrace. Save him from the painful weight of the countless sins that he has committed all his life, be it shagging binged women (we have a feel he did his mother too), selling his country(men), being the deceptive fucktard et al. Amen.

One day it is going to be like that.

And maybe one day, just maybe, you'll get blown up into smithereens in Croydon or at your Blue Sky office (or wherever the fuck you be), courtesy of an electrical short circuit or probably a cricket frenzy suicide bomber or preferably an Afridi-powered nuclear missile. So till the day you die fuckin' slow - with the hope that your arteries sneak out and piss all over the floor, and your spleen sliced into a zillion chunks - you'll remain a prodigious human humiliation. And here's to you.

Fuck you.

- If you enjoyed this loving gesture, here's a good read by Jrod on Majeed's fixing twitter.

Best of 2010 - The year that was

2011-01-12T22:02:00.007Z

I know its a bit dilatory to come up with something related to 2010 with the first week of new year already done but I guess I had to. Call it a formality or an urge to talk on it, I've picked 10 individual performances which stood out to me, along with couple of special ones which I watched live from the stands. England may have been the best team in all formats overall and India touching new heights in test cricket, but there is an arguable case of this year being one which had some of the most memorable individual spectacles witnessed in the current era of the game.

Personally speaking, it was a massive year in which I followed the game like a nutcase; probably the grand English summer had to do with it and attending games of England-Australia and then the ones having Pakistan with the two. Pardon me if I miss out any of your favorite ones in the following selection and I know there have been quite a few I have, but I focused more on the ones which had resounding impacts on the specific match and more imperatively, a follower's memory. Please note I haven't put these in any specific ranking, just tried prioritizing them on certain basis (with me being Pakistani, one; a self-confessed Indian cricket fan, two; and the rest of the lousy cricket world, being the third).

The beast of the year

VVS Laxman, 73* - Mohali, October 2010

There are steel nerves and then there are nerves of VVS Laxman.


Punter: Dang mate, this VVS chap slices my balls every time

India were 124/8, chasing 216 on a 4th innings disoriented track against an Australian team hellbent on proving points, he played one of the best ever test innings one could witness under pressure - Methodological, temperamental and artistic. And all this with a troubled back, with a runner in most of his innings. 73 may not sound much on a casual read but the monumental impact it had was only possible if you were watching it live, and rightfully he has been praised for this gem. Also proved why he has been a more major Aussie nemesis than any other contemporary cricketer.

Over the course of the year, he played 3 more humongous knocks- 103* against Sri Lanka at P Sara Columbo which enabled India to level the series, 91 versus New Zealand at Ahmedabad when India were in tatters at 15/5 in their 2nd innings and facing an unexpected knock out, and a truly masterful performance at Durban vs South Africa which enabled India to level a test series for the very first time in South Africa. Some people may rate his 103* versus SL as his better effort than the one against Australia, but as go personal picks and watching, the latter does it for me. He surely is one of my favorite cricketers and is probably one of the most unsung heroes of world cricket at present. Take a bow, Very Very Special Laxman.

Impossible is nothing

Abdul Razzaq, 109* off 72 - Abu Dhabi, 31 October 2010

There are days when you watch cricket and know some things are theoretically impossible to achieve. And then you realize there are monsters like Abdul Razzaq who make that inconceivable a joke. Much has been said about this one innings, from it being an unimaginable orgy of power hitting to an outrageous game stealer and what not. Every word is true and every accolade deserving of more overwhelming connotations. He played as if he didn't have a pulse and gave you the feel that he was sleepwalking this, and you wouldn't have known it would end up being one of the greatesr innings while chasing a formidable target. It easily goes down as the ODI innings of the year and one of the best in memory of any cricket follower. Furthermore, it also stamped his authority as being one of the very best finishers in limited overs formats, with the stats and viewing over 13+ years being valid proofs.

31st October 2010 was the day Razzler became a cricket god.

The fast bowling orgasm of the season

Mohammad Aamir, 6-84 - Lord's, August 2010

The overwhelming beauty and the holy essence of this spell still is encrypted in the minds of those who were blown away by this kid. The surreal state it left all who witnessed it live is not possible to jot down in mere words. He played god with the cherry that morning, shaping it like a banana both ways and acting as an artist painting a masterpiece in one-go. In space of 8 deliveries, he sliced the English top order in a manner rarely seen in modern cricket. The events that folded afterwards overshadowed his magic, yet this is a memory that will be cherished forever.

The daddy of WTFs

Michael Hussey, 134* - Sydney, January 2010

Imma gonna snatch the candy from yo mama!

You will follow this sports all your life and even your best bets could vary, and you wouldn't witness such a stunning performance being pulled off once every second day. It was a one-man show of the grandest artistry and courage, aided by the appalling Yousuf & co and a defiant tail. From a dead-and-buried position he mastered Australia to a formidable score, which proved too much for the shattered opposition.

Suffice to say, he was most influential in inflicting one of the most forgettable test match defeats to Pakistan and the day itself went down as an apocalyptic one in Pakistan's history.

The Ultimate ODI innings

Sachin Tendulkar, 200* off 147 - 24 February 2010, Gwalior

You know this was scripted somewhere in the heavens. The man who holds almost every batting record in the game had to do this and he did it with some style. Words would fail here but it should suffice to say it was the batting god at his divine best. He played only 2 ODIs in the year and to think he accomplished this humongous feat in one of them is no less than mind-numbing.

Gladiatorial

Shahid Afridi, 109 off 76 - Colombo, 15 June 2010

There are very few individual performances in cricket which can be separated strikingly from those of the rest playing the very same match. Add to it, the intense humidity of a Colombo summer evening, limping and dehydrated actor, and you may picture this phenomenal Afridi-ish innings. It was evident he was on an entirely different plain, with the rest of his teammates falling like ninepins on the other. In one specific delivery of Muralitharan the whole innings was summed up, when he danced down the track and lifted him over the sight screen and then fell flat on the pitch grimacing with pain due to cramps and backache. He couldn't finish the game off, yet this very knock has to go down as one of the best he ever played.

Classic robbery in broad daylight

Michael Hussey, 60* off 24 - St. Lucia, 1 May 2010 (Semi final, World Cup T20)

It was Sydney 2010 all over again - same teams and the same candy snatcher. It was an absconding and heart shattering show. In matter of few minutes, he mercilessly stole smiles from millions of delirious and frantic souls of one part of the world only to gift them to his countrymen. Even by T20's freakiest barometer, this stunner was off it. Even a richter scale would have found it tough to measure its impact.

This damned streak will forever haunt and resonate in the minds of any Pakistani cricket follower - 4, 0, 6, 6, 4, 6.. Game over. It was book cricket scoring. Period.

McScoops service for the fastest T20 hundred

Brendon McCullum, 116* off 56 - Christchurch, 28 February 2010

This was the innings and the day by the end of which the cricket world would have said it has seen it all when there is talk about inventive shot-making. It sure felt like that. This innings can only be gauged by the mesmerizing and carnage McCullum wreaked, constantly paddle sweeping Tait at 150+ kph, scooping Nannes on one knee, slog sweeping almost all the Aussie attack into the stands; and last but not the least, kept unleashing an orthodox power hitting avalanche with constant ease and brutality. It got its due share when it won the ICC T20 performance of the year award (well almost: Attention mr. Hussey).

Comeback of the year

Younis Khan, 131* - Dubai, November 2010

Take that, bitches - A personal favorite, the man and the innings.

He was returning to the test arena after 16 months, amidst the moronic circus of Pakistan cricket and with all the traumas that had engulfed him, and ended up doing a masterclass against arguably the best bowling attack in the world. It was an impeccable knock, contained with assurance and class that he embodies, and it enabled Pakistan to draw the test match. This small matter of a quality hundred cemented the fact of him being one of the best 4th innings players in the game's history. It was the return of Younis Khan and it was as resounding as it could be.

The Fuck-You performance

Mitchell Johnson, 9-82 & 62 - Perth, December 2010

A vintage rebuttal by the cricketer whose performances are classified as one of the most polarized in the game. Being ridiculed, bashed and clattered both, on-field and off-field, and then dropped for the previous test match, Mitch did a comeback display of titanic proportions. He blew England away at the most critical juncture of the series, first with a crucial late order half century and then producing one of the best fast bowling spells of the year post-lunch which was filled with breathtaking moments.

The best I saw live

Moggie, the finisher

Eoin Morgan, 103* off 85 balls -22 June 2010, Southampton

Being there witnessing it was an absolute pleasure. Those reverse sweeps are still afresh in the memory, and every bit of this innings is a bliss to behold. The mastery he demonstrated with the exemplary serenity and repose was a treat to watch, toying with the Aussie attack with ultimate ease. If Morgan was not recognized as a serious force in limited overs versions till then, and especially as a finisher, this high quality knock surfaced him in one of the best possible manners. From 97-4 to finishing it off with plenty of deliveries to spare, he was unstoppable.

The ultimate ODI spell

Umar Gul, 6-42 - The Brit Oval, 17 September 2010

Pakistan was 0-2 down in the 5 game series and was cornered from all angles, both on-field and off-field. It was defending a modest ODI score of 241 and England were cruising at 201-5. Enters Umar Gul for his second spell. England lose their next 4 wickets for 3 runs in 3 overs of him, with him eventually ending up with a career best of 6-42. It was a sheer sensational display of fast bowling under lights. In both his spells he made the ball talk and sparked a turnaround of momentous proportions. What made it extra special was watching it live from the stands amidst massive tension and constant rounds between the Pakistani and English supporters (the spot fixing saga didn't help wee bit), and the scenario of Pakistan being nowhere in the series till then. It was Gull-dozing at its ultimate best.

- This post was first published here at Clear Cricket.

- McCullum's innings added after @Mykuhl input on it and my memory lapse/cricket overdose.

Inglorious Bastards - Stuart Broad.

2010-12-02T08:26:00.001Z

Photo courtesy: BoredCricket

He is the daddy's boy. He is a lunatic arsehole. He is cricket's Barbie.

He is Stuart Christopher John Broad.

He may have an Ashes 5-for, he may have scored a test century batting at no. 9 at Lord's and he may have been walloped for 6 sixes in an over, but all that is to follow below is bloody miles away from his cricketing credentials.

So how do we start this?

Do we put a finger on his blondness and blame his acrimonious self and on-field bastardization on him being a towheaded? Probably no, because that would be demeaning the sane and sensible lot of that light-colored hair folks out there. But yes, in a convivial sense, we can take it.

Wait, I guess we can do a bit better with couple of real life scenarios.

Bet we all have come across those gawky co-workers or classmates who besides being efficient at their work are caustic enough to be able to repel others, and are always adopting the one-man-show route which ultimately makes them no less than unwanted human beings around.

One of those long string of knobhead club level cricketers who you have the misfortune of playing with or against and who think of themselves being way better than what they are in reality. Or the kind of teammate who, whenever gets clobbered around the park, forces you to chuckle and you say "You deserved that, twat" under your breath.

Howdy Broady!

Okay, lets put this straight. Broady is a serial petulant and that too a grouchy one. He is a natural dimwit of the highest echelon with a doped attitude that should make even the grandest of blockheads proud. He never fails to come across as a little Mervesque chuntering under his breath so the batsman thinks he is a psychopath rather than a little spoilt toddler.

"Zip that mouth, will ya?"

It would be an understatement to say Broady boy makes a fool of himself by his heroics on the field, instead what makes him an intolerable rascal is his constant debating of decisions with umpires along with his berating of fielders who had the temerity not to stop a boundary off his awful bowling (ironic when he's probably the worst fielder in the team). The former is a pretty old trend of his now, with some memorable incidents (West Indies, South Africa tours in 2009-10) of squabbling and bickering with the men in-charge on the field, and amusingly, getting away with it all the time. Nasser Hussain recently put formally the manner Barbie has been pushing the limits of idiocy and misconduct for quite some time.

If this is not enough to tick you off, lets move on. Oh wait, lets have a quick laugh by watching the following clip.

He got ya, didn't he? Alright, as much as the ridiculous appeal was some show, the way he folded his arms and covered his face like a prepubescent girl not being given her doll, has to be one of the most dramatics acts ever pulled off in middle of a cricket field.

Ball tampering in South Africa?

One fine January morning in Cape Town, Broady boy thought of fielding the ball with his spikes on it, instead of flexing his back and picking it up with his hands (Hey, bending 77 inches is not a norm for a slouch). Amazingly, it came as a shocker for the plonker that attempting to alter the condition of the cricket ball is an offense of level 2.2.9 according to ICC code of conduct. Probably, when he is done with his shoddy on-field heroics, he might one day come out of the curtain and pull off a Trescothick and tell us what he used to do with the cherry in his playing days.

Its another story that South Africans, at the end of it, did not pursue the complaint they made initially, but then we all thought this nincompoop will surely try correcting himself and turn up as a better product in future.

And THEN HE DID THIS!

This incident should not be new to any cricket follower reading this, but lets just briefly analyze this insane prickly act by Barbie.

Right, so what was said about this was that Broady was apparently a bit 'frustrated' by the defiant knock of Zulqarnain and hence, decided to let the ball rip at him. We know some people dared to compare this to the Jones/Hayden incident in Ashes 05' which was largely nonsensical considering the stature of those two players, state of the match and above all, the manner of apologies given by the perpetrator. The half-hearted apology given here by Broad was more like saying to the batsman, "Oh, did it hit ya? Soz mate, fuck off." And you would have thought he would have been punished for this hideous stunt (and fracturing Zulqarnain's finger) a bit more than the formality-driven 50% match fee fine. Nope, sorry.

One wonders if Zulqarnain had walked down the track and wrapped his bat around Broad's head in a reciprocal act of "frustration", what would have transpired? Surely he would have got at least a 2 match fine along with the procession of bashing in the media, no? But, Broady boy belongs to well you-know-where, and is a son of, you-know-who, so lets try to absorb this too. However, this incident did revive the typical Broad snobbishness that the game has unfortunately got accustomed to lately.

Senior Broad (L), Junior Broad (R).

Like Father, Like Son.

The irony is that dearest pops, Chris Broad, who has been an ICC referee for some years now, has often defended his brat for his on-field antics, basically terming him passionate, rather than doing a bit of a rap on his son's knuckles to remind him to mind his self next time. Hence no wonder, Barbie Broad gets away with all the arguing with umpires and proving the definition of a hoodlum every now and then.

So much for a man who was renowned to be an off-the-hook character in his playing days himself (Hint: Once Chris Broad refused to leave the crease after being given out by the umpire in a match against Pakistan). Daddy Broad should have groomed his kid in a better way and probably not sent him to Melbourne in his teenage summers to play for Victorian North Division, which he credits for his boy-to-man transformation. On a second thought, perhaps spoiling the child is a family tradition of Broads until the day he becomes a Super Brat.

Cheerio, Stuey!

Listen bud, you know we don't like you neither do we like your stunts which you perform in the middle. There have been voices raised against you in a severe tone (deserved ones) from time to time in your short career. Yet, there is an appreciation of your cricket talent which one believes can do you good and England proud.
I guess you get the picture here (only if you transplant a brain in the upper storey), don't you? Get your shit together, stop behaving like a miscreant, get rid of your preening and play the game fairly. And then who knows, one fine day we all will start liking you.

Having done all this rhetoric bloody rant, we firmly believe Barbie Broady fully deserves to be one of our Inglorious Bastards of the game.

And for an ending note, this should serve you well, eh Broady boy? (The game of cricket will forever remain indebted to Yuvraj Singh for this)

And since he is the famous Barbie of world cricket, the following should give a lighter tone to all this rant.

Comments, feedback and even hate-speech against this piece is welcomed (We want to know whether there is any love for Barbie in this world).

A neutral Ashes perspective

2010-11-22T20:37:00.004Z

"The Ashes is massive. It has colossal importance. It is the marvel of test cricket. It is one of the greatest sporting rivalries."

How often have you heard all of the above phrases? I bet many a times. And not more so than the recent few years when they have been a two-way road instead of the Australian domination for nearly 2 decades. For a neutral fan like me, it indeed is a must-follow, and it becomes more of a wonder being in England where cricket hardly ever dominates the sports section of the newspapers. Come Ashes, it takes a front seat like none (even a World Cup of cricket has not much significance as go the tabloids and electronic media). Yes, it is of such prominence.

Here, we will make an attempt of analysing the major factors and chances of both the teams, who I have followed pretty closely in the last few years, and not more than the summer that has just gone by.

The Poms

So starting with England, who does not know that this Ashes is being tipped as the best shot for England in the last 20 years when it has been played Down Under. With a formidable batting line up, which consists of few of the most impressive stroke players of the present era, and almost all of them in good rhythm, they should come across as a hard-boiled unit for the Aussie bowling line up. Moreover, their bowling attack is being deemed as more sound than it has been in the previous visits to Australia, both quality and form wise. With a worthy pace attack and a world-class off spinner, it is acknowledged as one of best test attacks in the game today.

Furthermore, the quality of management and coaching they have, has been of high caliber and has resulted in considerable success in recent times. The Flower effect is a massive factor. He has given England a face lift which in recent history has been paralleled by only few world over. Apart from his first series which England lost to West Indies, he has been in-charge of a commendable run which has seen them win against West Indies, Australia, Bangladesh and Pakistan and draw with South Africa. The T20 World Cup honor and a serious force in ODI are other medals of success he has helped England to. With Graham Gooch, David Saker and Mushtaq Ahmed as his wingmen, they form a safe umbrella for the England team.

For all those English fans in a fix and deliberating the night vigils, let me assure, this one is as close as you will ever get to retaining that little urn Down Under, and you know it well. So much so that this winter and Christmas can easily be taken to another level by your lads if they stick in there. And as the pundits and critics are putting it, this should be the time when the Aussie aura is ultimately going to give in.

The Aussies

Indeed, Aussies are struggling, or let me put it fairly, in a mess. Their top batters are basically nowhere when it comes to the form factor. They have not had the prettiest of phases in world cricket of late. Even their bench strength does not seem to possess the quality we have been accustomed to for the last couple of decades. Yet, to take their batsmen as walking wickets would be delusional. Remember, Form is temporary, Class is permanent. After all the years of analyzing this game, if you are unable to comprehend this phrase, one would really think of you as a Walter Mitty.

Yes, Aussie bowling lineup is probably the feeblest it has been over the few decades. They have been unable to dislodge even the most fragile batting line ups as easily they used to till the last few years, yet to think their bowling does not hold the potential to put up a serious challenge, even on their own decks, would be too immature.

Now for the man who probably matters the most in this duel and for whom this series could define his legacy and his greatness. For sure, he has struggled to put up ever since the Warnes, McGraths, Gilchrists, Haydens and Langers bid farewell to the game and without doubt, his tactical moves, shrewdness and composure have been criticized many a times. Yet, to think he and Australia would be a walk over under the pump they are in, should not be taken as granted at any cost.

Make no bones about it, Australia in its backyard is a beast which hardly gets tamed and even the last few years (post-McGrath, Warne) which has seen them field their most fragile bowling line ups, they have been able to put up decent performances, and baring the series loss to South Africa, they have remained unbeaten at home. Their batting has the firepower capable of dominating any bowling attack in the game. It is just a matter of time they come good and get their flow back.

A personal take

See, I'll be mighty honest here. My head says it will be England but my heart has a drift towards Australia. The former for their consistency, confidence and the aplomb they are carrying into this series, and the latter for the aura they can back on, quality of certain players and this being played in their own hood. Australia is cornered, lets put it simply. Ponting is at a critical crossroad, as a great of the game and as a captain. What more can you ask for the Aussies to know where they are standing? What more can you question the Australianism with? Nothing more, one would believe. This is exactly where the legacy of a great cricketing nation will be under observation, hence making it a prospect of a fascinating viewing.

So, brace yourself for the next few weeks. This is going to be a spectacle, trust me, even if the standard and quality might not be the same as one would expect. It would be a battle that has a lot at stake, not only for Australia but for England too. As for neutral cricket followers, it should be charming enough to keep you glued to your tv sets. Its all set for you to get enthralled.

Let the show begin!

For Everything, There is Younis Khan

2010-11-18T18:31:00.014Z

If you had the chance to pick only one gladiator to battle for you in the bull ring, you will have to pick him. If you had to name only one assassin to do the job for you and that too with a smile, you will pay for him. If you had to seek an epitome of fighting dignity for yourself and your countrymen, you will analyze only his persona. If you had to teach sportsmanship to kids of a game called cricket and its tormented gentleman's essence, you will request him to do it. Because, for everything there is Younis Khan.

His legacy

He may not be the classic copy-book batsman out there nor the most explosive of the belligerent hitters in the game, yet there is something uncanny about him that makes him a must in the present day cricket. Probably, its the aura of calmness he oozes in nerve-wrecking scenarios and the warm feel that you get from watching him do his thing as if you are being given vicks vapors. Probably, its the controlled passion he displays with a pint of bravado in his glass that he has to offer to you. Probably, its the fire he possesses in his belly, being the Pathan he is, which amazingly does not go untrammeled even in the grandest of hippodromes.

All his cricketing credentials aside, the man carries a million dollar smile which he entertains amidst every trauma he goes through and no matter how life pushes him to the corner. Be it a personal tragedy of losing his father in middle of a tour or the death of Bob Woolmer, who he deemed as his father figure and who used to call Younis his third son, that smile hardly broke; and even when he had been left all alone by his own team mates who conspired against him and when his own countrymen started labeling him as a confused individual just because he always wore his heart on his sleeve, the smile was still there. Though he did accept in middle of the mayhem happening with and around him that he had to stop smiling yet it was always visible, even if it was a bit subdued.

You can bet all your money on this that if it had been someone else but Younis Khan, all his principles and decorum would have fallen off and accepted defeat, compromised to bowing in front of his nincompoop masters and gotten back in the arena but not him. All through his vigil of observing his plotters get back, he remained steady as a hawk and kept that chin up, and ultimately got back to do what he does best. For he is the man possessed, he is the one for the moment.

A modern day great?

Pundits will tell you his cricketing achievements have been understated, since his records and stats give enough evidence that he deserves to be enumerated as one of the current giants of the game. Take any format of the game and he is up there with the bests, be it in the stats or as a leader. Here, we try dissecting his career and ascertain his significance in the game.

Most definitely his greatest feat in cricket career would remain captaining Pakistan to the T20 World Cup win in England in the summer of 2009 when his boys roared as the famous cornered tigers. A triumph that had a stark similarity to the country's other successful global prize campaign, the World Cup win of 1992, and one in which he gave the world the most famous quote of that format when he termed it as fun and associated it with WWE. At that lifetime conjuncture, he decided to give up his boots in that format so that new blood could be inducted. This was to be the threshold of his greatness which has always been coupled with absolute humility.

Statistical study of his career

10 years is a good enough period to scrutinize a cricketer's career and his standing in the game. Younis Khan, to-date, has played 64 test matches, 207 One Day Internationals and 22 T20s. He has captained his national team in all three formats and won a world title in the T20 format from which he has gracefully retired.

Test Match Genius

We look into his test match credentials and try to figure why he should be acknowledged as a modern day champion in the most important version of the game.

He is one of the top 10 current batsmen in the game who average 50 plus in test matches, and has an equally good home and away record.

He is only one of the 4 current players in the game with a triple century to boost against his name.

In test matches that Pakistan has won and drawn (39/64), he averages a whooping 66.12 with 13 of his 17 centuries coming in them. And that average increases to 68 in test matches that Pakistan has won.

In his last 31 matches, he has averaged an amazing 65.47 with 11 centuries.

And here is the most significant stat as go his test match credentials. He is the modern day best when it matters the most, technically and impact-wise, in the 5 day contest; when it has counted the most, he has graced the occasion with his quality and brilliance.

He has a stunning average of 62.0 in the 4th innings, which places him in the top 5 of all-time, with only Michael Hussey accompanying him in the top 10. That list has the present day giants such as Sachin Tendulkar at no. 52 (average of 38.77), Rahul Dravid at no. 35 (average of 42.78) and Mohammad Yousuf at no. 34 (average 43.00). Only Ricky Ponting and Graeme Smith average above 50 out of the current players.

In the same statistical analysis, he also has the most number of hundreds, i.e. 4 (matched by Ponting and Sarwan). Out of those 4 hundreds, 3 have resulted in saving the match for Pakistan, and what better than the latest titanic effort of his against the Proteas.

Now let's look at his numbers against the top 5 ranked teams in the world.

He averages 88.06 against India which places him 3rd in the game's history with players scoring 1000 or above runs against them. Also, is no. 2 in all-time list of scoring maximum runs in a test match versus India.

Against South Africa his average is 52.57, versus Sri Lanka its 51.24, against England its 45.46 and its 31.83 against Australia. So barring Oz against whom he's played only 6 tests (the lowest among his matches against these top 5), his stats are world class and comparable to any modern great.

A serious force in ODI business

As goes his playing style, he is one of the rare conventional batsmen in the modern game. For most of them, ODIs may not be the specialization anymore but for him its a challenge he takes up and is as good as anyone when the chips are down and you need someone to lead you from the front.

While chasing and Pakistan winning, he averages a brilliant 43.75. When Pakistan has won batting first, he averages 39.06. Both stats are a mile away from his career average of 32.48, and clearly show he is a major influence whenever Pakistan wins ODIs.

All his 6 ODI hundreds have been matchwinners and include 3 modern one day cricket masterclasses while chasing, 2 against India (Mohali & Karachi) and one against England.

When he has not compiled a century while chasing, he has come up with gems in low scoring games and been the man of the Match, such as the one against Australia in Melbourne (Docklands), June 2002 and India in Abu Dhabi, April 2006. Then, his recent fabulous effort versus South Africa is a clear vindication of him being one of the best chasers in the game.

The Comeback King

If you have followed him in his career to any considerable extent, you would know he deserves this accolade as much as anyone else out there in the game. Here we look at 2 of the most memorable Younis Khan moments.

Kitply Cup in Bangladesh (2008) - He had bagged consecutive ducks in the league games against India and Bangladesh and was under immense pressure either to perform or to give away his place, he came up with the goods in the big game, the final versus India, and was deservedly the MOTM.

1st Test match vs South Africa, Dubai 2010 - Being kept out of the test team for the last 16 months by the lunatic Ijaz Butt and putting up against the shoddy politics engulfing him, Younis showed the world what it was missing. A herculean 4th innings hundred against arguably the best test bowling attack of the world enabling Pakistan a draw against all odds. In context of the state of Pakistan cricket and his own personal traumatic experiences, it was surely the return of the king.

Cometh the hour, Cometh the man

Mohammad Younis Khan may not end up as your lifetime hero nor your stereotypical great cricketer but trust him to be your savior when you will turn your back to everyone you counted on because they just could not handle the pressure of the coliseum and wilted away. He will be the braveheart who is going to never compromise on his values and will put a fight for your freedom and your country at any price. He will remain the juggler amongst the clowns in the circus of world cricket. He will still be the working-class man who goes home every night smiling happily with his day's work no matter what paltry wage he gets. He will be your punchbag absorbing your frustrations when you need to vent them out. He will be whatever you will crave for, because for everything, there is Younis Khan.

He will forever be the last man standing!

Younis Khan zindabad!

- This post was first published here at Clear Cricket.

The Great Debates - Wasim Akram vs Waqar Younis

2010-11-13T19:24:00.010Z

As the name goes, these are supposed to be few attempts in which we will dare to profess two parallel greats of specific eras and try to contemplate on their sheer greatness and ultimately, make an immortal attempt to compare them. It must be foretold that these attempts may be flawed and not satisfy every follower of the game who was/is enthralled by those greats.

In this first study, we pick two of the greatest fast bowlers the game of cricket was ever graced with. They were a duo for whom every accolade that is humanly possible has been put forward, before whom even their greatest critics and conspirators had to bow and the legacies and aura of whom still make up the game played today. Words fall short in all honesty to define their greatness, hence we'll simply start this off. Its a humble take on the Ws, Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis.

What basically started as a random twitter chat on one fine October night about the two W's by me, Sana Kazmi and Faran Ghumman ultimately transformed into some factual and statistical debate. Sana Kazmi casually quoted Imran Khan, the godfather of Pakistan cricket, who termed Wasim as the one who gave up too soon out of the two Ws, and then what followed is the basis of this venture, and which was then further discussed through e-mails and also a respected input from Subash Jayaraman. And with me being a self-proclaimed greatest fan of Wasim bhai, this was bound to be a bit interesting.

Back to the theme, let me clarify that to aptly analyse the greatness of the two Ws is next-to-impossible as every proper cricket follower would know; hence, this debate consists of only specific points and considerations. Also, we are only analysing the test match careers of them here, and if ODIs were to be done too then whatever follows here wouldn't ever be able to be jotted down too.

Since the main talk revolved around the 'effectiveness' of the two, there were some arguments given. which were countered. In the following, I have quoted and summarized the emails and various points in consideration to the best of my abilities.

I. In Pakistan & Subcontinent

My point of Wasim's career Strike-Rate (SR) being less than Waqar's owed to the fact that he bowled more in the flat subcontinents pitches than Waqar, hence his SR was bound to be affected more. Sana takes my point and hits back with the following:

Percentage of overs in Pakistan
Waqar 1046.4 out of 2704 -> 38.6%
Wasim 1312 out of 3771 -> 34.8%
So Wasim bowled only 4% more of his overs in Pakistan than Waqar did, which you would have to agree, is too small difference to account for a difference in their overall strike-rates of more than 10 (Waqar's 43.4 vs. Wasim's 54.6). Even if you don't agree with that, your argument is basically that Wasim has worse stats because he bowled on pitches less suited to fast bowling - in which case you must extend the analysis to the entire sub-continent, not just Pakistan.

Percentage of overs bowled in the sub-continent (Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, India, UAE*)
Waqar 1370/2704 -> 50.6%
Wasim 1887.2/3771.1 -> 50 %

When you compare the percentage of their overs bowled throughout the sub-continent, it's the same! (In fact, if I was being anal, I'd say Waqar actually bowled .6% more of his overs on flat pitches.

Though I'll admit that the kind of bowler Wasim was made him less suited to dead tracks than Waqar with his extreme pace, I don't really believe in comparing bowlers on where they've bowled if they're from the same team. Unless there's a huge difference in the no. of overs, it evens out more or less. (Of course in Wasim and Waqar's case I would say it did in their case, it evened out completely, but that's unusual).

*Wasim never played a Test in the UAE

My take:

As I said, Waqar bettered Wasim in subcontinent mainly because they played most of the games vs Ind, SL, WI, NZ, Zim (with which we won almost very series,a nd they weren't the best of teams, lets be honest).
And they played hardly any v Aus and SA (which were unarguably the best teams of that era- late 80s and whole of 90s). Lets see some stats in this regard.

First, take Waqar in Pakistan.
Team   Matches Wkts
NZ         5              35
SL         8              31
Zim        7              41
WI         5              24

Total      25            131
Waqar played 33 matches in Pak. Hence, 25/33 is a large proportion!

Now, Wasim in Pakistan.
Team   Matches Wkts
NZ         2              10
SL         10           28
Zim        6               28
WI 8 43

Total 26 109
Wasim played 41 of his 104 matches in Pak.

So, we can see Waqar has more wickets, better average and SR against these low ranked teams of that era. Which ultimately helped him getting a better avg and SR at home & subcontinent than Wasim.

Wasim v Aus+SA took 21 wkts in 6 games.
Waqar v Aus+SA took 14 wkts in 4 games.

So this shows they were almost equal against the top 2 teams of their era, sadly they played too less at home to properly analyse who was better against the top teams.

II. Against the best team (Aus) of their era.

My next point is on who was better in the country that mattered the most. Yes, in Australia and vs Australia too.

And Wasim wins it comfortably, in all depts- wickets, average and SR.

v Aus           Matches     Wickets   Average    SR

Wasim           13             50           25.7          59.8
Waqar           12             30           33.8          62.7

in Aus
Wasim          9 36    24.0           58.0
Waqar            7               14          40.5           81.4

So, in Aus and v Aus, Wasim was the daddy.

III. Against the top teams of their era.

Another major point, which should give a fair idea of who was better overall wkts/match and avg wise v the other top teams in their era. I'm taking SA, Eng, Ind and WI (WI because they were tough till 97', at least)

First, Waqar.
Team            Matches        Wickets    Average    SR      Wkts/match
SA                7                    23           28.7      50.6         3.2
Eng                11                   50           27.0      48.5         4.5
Ind                  4                   8            47.0      80.2         2
WI                 13                 55           23.3      36.6         4.2

Now, Wasim.
Team            Matches        Wickets    Average    SR      Wkts/match
SA                   4                  13            29.7      65.0          3.2
Eng                18                   57           30.6      69.8          3.2
Ind                 12                   45           29.8      65.0          3.75
WI                 17                   79           20.8      44.9          4.6

Against NZ and SL, both were equally good (almost inseparable stats-wise).

By above stats, we see:
Wasim bettering Waqar in Wkts/Match by 2-1.
Waqar bettering Wasim in SR by 3-1 while Avg-wise, both are 2-2.

So, its basically evens stevens in those stars. Saying any one of them was better than the other would be stupid, so I would like you all to focus on the first 2 points that I detailed, esp, v Aus and in Aus.

IV. Longevity

Subash pointed out that "You need to have longevity to get in to any sort of All time XI. In terms of SR and Average, there isn't much to choose between the two, in which case, you have to go with overall skill set and longevity and hence, I go with Wasim."

When looking at the two W's in matches that Pakistan won:

Wasim played 104 tests; Won: 41

Total wkts 414; In matches won: 211 at 18.48 average.

Waqar played 87 tests; Won: 39.

Total wkts 373; In matches won: 222 at 18.20 average.

By this stat, Waqar could be termed slighty more "effective" but Wasim had longevity.

V. The eight-year period (1990-1997) & few other astounding stats.

This cricinfo stats analysis by S Rajesh tells a lot about the two W's, their dominance in the cricket world, Wasim edging Waqar in few areas and more. There is hardly any difference in Wasim and Waqar as go the performance during those 8 years (Wasim has the better avg and Waqar has the better SR), yet no one in the game was better than them, and here we are talking about an era of the game which saw the likes of McGrath, Warne, Donald, Ambrose etc.

The most vital factor I want to press here is the MOTM (Man of the match) frequency Wasim had. During these eight years, Akram was Man of the Match in 12 of the 48 Tests he played, an incredible average of one every four games. And even in his whole career, his frequency 17 MOTM out of 104 matches is the best in the game's history. So, if there was any question of being 'effective' and to influence the matches, I don't think there can be any more comprehensive argument than this.

Conclusion? Honestly, Impossible.

Having discussed all this, even though I've tried my best to put more weight in Wasim bhai's half, I'm of the opinion that it will forever remain an impossible task to edge one of them over the other in most of the areas/aspects. Individually, they were an entire world within themselves. Sheer masters of new and old ball, absolute gods of swing and a lifetime phenomenon to witness.

Subash has a liking for Wasim bhai and fittingly says, "Also, I think a lot of the times people some times get influenced by the ODI performances in their overall judgement of the players. Of course, Wasim was a stud and leading wicket taker there as well, but the brutality and devastation of Waqar's inswinging yorkers could swing some arguments.

As long as we keep those two separate -- i don't think its as close as the stats seem to indicate. Wasim was born to bowl. So raw when he came on, but quickly became the stud that he was for the longest time.

P.S. To this day, I remember watching the 92 finals on a grainy screen at a friend's house. I was 15 then. Old enough to understand the game and the players playing it. Still cannot comprehend how he turned the game on its head with those 3 balls."

Sana puts in one her emails: "Wasim obviously had more variety, and hence - you would think - more skill, and was just... special. Without needing to be express. And it's incredible that he was diagnosed with diabetes at 26 and still looked like he was at his peak till 31 or so. Plus two very different kind of bowlers, so not really fair to compare. And, like I was telling, I think this whole exercise of picking an all-time XI is really dumb. (Gideon Haigh wrote a great article on Cricinfo on why it's futile to do so). "

My drift is understandably towards Wasim Akram, for various other reasons; the one which should suffice here would that he has been my boyhood inspiration and forever will remain. Watching him was like seeing a god turn his left arm over, do the divine and then celebrate. Having said that, make no bones crack, I would die a dozen times if I was told I would be able to see Waqar Younis in his pomp live again. There were and will be hardly any better sights in the game then a Waqar's toe-crushing yorker. For Waqar's fans and all those interested in this read, here is a really scintillating piece by Alex Bowden (click the weblink).

All said, I believe we haven't and won't ever be able to do justice with such comparisons or analysis, because some legends and there comparisons in cricket are incomprehensible. To do any justice, here we go with a mini-reminder of what these two of the proudest sons of Pakistan were like:

Any comments and views on this and any personal takes would be appreciated. Much thanks.

Selected classic banters of this decade.

2010-11-12T17:21:00.001Z

Today, we do a quick rewind of few of the one-on-one famous and not-so-famous banters in the cricket field of this decade. These are mainly bits of cracking jests picked up by the stump mic.

Let me clarify none of these can be classified as arduous sledging, nor it comes under any racial vilification. There are no McGraths, Symonds, Harbhajan, Gibbs here, so take this as mild sledging to the maximum. Hopefully, you're going to have a laugh or two.

1. Kumar Sangakkara gives a buoyant welcome to Shaun Pollock in the famous 2003 World Cup game.

2. Freddie Flintoff didn't like Dwayne Bravo's chirping and lets it rip while batting and then in the slips.

3. Mark Boucher 'intimidating' Tatenda Taibu only to find the latter is rock solid.

4. Kevin Pieterson and Yuvraj Singh - Evergreen duels of the decade.

Apparently, Yuvraj starts this off, and KP hits back with "You're not God, you're a cricketer. Concentrate on your batting, you might play more." Then Yuvraj says something which isn't picked by the mic, to get a reply from KP "I'm a little bit tougher than you." It ends with Yuvraj stealing it by imitating KP's rundown the pitch to be hit by McGrath in the ribs (in the 2006 Aus tour).

5. Mohammed Kaif winding up Mohammed Yousuf (the then Yousuf Youhana) and Mohammed Sami.

Since, it was in Hindi/Urdu, so I'll translate the main bits here:
Kaif tells his team mates that Yousuf had faced 87 balls and hadn't hit a boundary yet. Then he goes on to point to the gap between the short leg and short square leg so that he can hit it in the gap.
Then Kaif has a go on Mohammad Sami saying Sami is always buzzing words while bowling but right now he's liplocked right now.

There were couple of more good videos but I stuck to these 5. Soon, we'll do a post on the topmost revered sledging moments of the decade. And those won't be mere banters ;)

A Gentleman's Game? No more!

2010-11-10T05:29:00.007Z

Cricket is not a gentleman's game anymore. Though this statement has been vindicated in the past, it is currently being augmented in an explosive manner in the form of the ongoing fiasco concerning Pakistani wicket keeper, Zulqarnain Haider. Just when Pakistan cricket and its fans could ill-afford another trauma in this cursed year of 2010, here came the bewildering news of Zulqarnain Haider going missing just hours before the final match of a classic ODI series against South Africa which Pakistan eventually lost.

Anyone who follows and comprehends cricket, should know by the history and dynamics of it that it is just not a mere sport. It is a massive world encompassing the game contested in the ground, entertainment and money. Sadly, the last one is counted as the pivotal factor whenever this beautiful sport is plagued with controversies and scandals, and thus plays a pivotal role in developing the above stated perception. From one end of the cricketing world to another, financial gains and corruption have resulted in hijacking the true essence and spirit which this sport embodies and ultimately has put it to shame.

Betting is a menace which is not alien to cricket. It has been present probably since its inception, yet betting and illegal money have always been the hobby for the wronger rather than the men in flannels until the last few decades. Since the 1990s, cricket has seen numerous scandals of monetary corruption and match fixing involving various men representing their countries, which has jeopardized its image and forced a view that the corruption is inseparable from the game and according to Paul Condon, cannot be uprooted.

From the infamous controversy of Shane Warne and Mark Waugh being involved with bookmakers to the monstrous revelations of Hansie Cronje in 2000, cricket corruption has shown its colors even in the most professionally competent cricket boards of the world.

The year 2000 also saw the crackdown on match fixing by Indian cricket and Pakistan's Justice Qayyum inquiry, both of which left more than 1 billion cricket worshiping subcontinent people stunned.

Only in this decade, there have surfaced numerous damning scandals and incidents which have proved that the cancerous betting and monetary corruption have penetrated well and truly in cricket world. The recent IPL mess in which its chief administrator, Lalit Modi was suspended amid corruption claims is a grave consequence of monetary mismanagement in the game.

Till today, the deaths of the disgraced former South African captain, Hansie Cronje, and former Pakistan coach, Bob Woolmer, remain a mystery and are indicated by some to be murdered by mafia betting syndicates, who have thoroughly maligned the once-called gentleman game.

Earlier in the year, when the spot fixing controversy concerning 3 world class Pakistani players surfaced, Geoff Lawson, who had been the coach of Pakistan team, provided an insight to the world about the virus that cricket is subjected to in the form of the mafia that endangered the lives of people connected with the game. He revealed that during his term as the coach of the team, one of the selectors of Pakistan team had been threatened of his daughter being kidnapped if a specific player was not selected for a match. To further corroborate the threat possessed by the betting mafia, a recent incident involving English player, Usman Afzaal showed how dangerous these syndicates can be.

The latest episode of Zulqarnain Haider claiming to be given death threats seems to be the latest in this context.
A devoted and fighting cricketer who had a permanent place in the team till he left for UK is now so mentally traumatized that he has put his career on line, retired and is said to be seeking asylum in England. What in the world forced him into such a mental state and to take such life defining actions? There have already been many opinions and commentaries done, varying from it being an attention seeking stunt to tarnishing the image of the country. Whatever be anyone's take on it, he needs to be understood and the issue needs to be addressed in full length. Zulqarnain has already spoken out a bit on the match fixing elements he has dealt with in his career which have already caused a stir, yet his whistle blowing related to the death threats should be the one making heads roll, that is if he comes out with any.

Where all this will end up, nobody knows for now, but there is a definite exigency for the administrators of the game to tighten the screws. Cricketers, of all, need to be provided maximum security. The onus is on the ICC who has often been accused of lacking professionalism in such scenarios, even though ACSU has been its major tool to check on the prevalent betting and match fixing in the game. Moreover, cricket boards need to step up and apart from protecting their own players from these menaces, need to support ICC. Having said that, no matter how concrete and credible steps are adopted, one thing is indisputable- today's gentleman's game is a far cry from the one played by W.G. Grace and his men. Sigh.

- This piece of mine was also published here in the Pakistan English daily, Express Tribune.