There was a bright flash of light...

The Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood - 2018

2018-12-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a trend.

No, not the trend that it's always published on New Year's Eve.

Not that I take fewer photos every year..... (that needs to change.)

Actually, I think it's getting less thought and effort and is shorter every year.

But WE GOTTA DO THIS OR ELSE WE HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAIL CHRISTMAS CARDS TO PEOPLE!!!! Heaven forbid.

SO HERE'S OUR RECAP OF 2018!!!!!!!

We did lots of stuff:

Eclaire went to SoCal on Choir Tour!

Two Grandpuppies joined the family!

We saw Mr. Bones!

Thing Two and his Lovely Wife bought a house! (sorry, no pic of house, but this was my housewarming gift for them)

We went camping in Idaho!

Some of the braver people also went river rafting!

Eclaire went to Prom!

She also got to see HAMILTON!!!!!!!

We said goodbye to the old Provo High School.

Luke Skywalker taught grandpa how to play video games.

We said goodbye to our old mini-van.

I made my first quilt! for our 30th anniversary. Yeah, that should have had a picture, but we didn't really do anything except be thankful that he has not killed me for 30 years now.

We saw dinosaurs.

AND WE GOT A NEW BABY SISTER/DAUGHTER/GRANDDAUGHTER dpending on your perspective. She is so very wonderful.

Con-man and Luke Skywalker even like her.

Someone had a birthday.

And went to Crystal Mountain Pony Con.

Then there were a whole bunch of birthdays.

And thing two got a motorcycle so I can die of worry.

Han Solo started medical school and he and Screamapillar now live much much closer in Idaho!

We got a temporary new dog who was a delight to have around!

We said HELLO to the NEW PROVO HIGH! to start Eclaire's senior year.

And Luke Skywalker is doing a lame attempt at education. I think.

More birthdays!!!!

And Panda-baby learned to smile.

It was a pretty harrowing year in many ways. We are thankful for things that were lost which were found again. For close calls that came out okay. For blessings in such abundance that we wonder why we were considered worthy. We are thankful for all that we learned this year, but hope to have fewer hard lessons to learn in 2019...

We wish you all a happy and healthy new year in 2019, may the Lord bless and keep you!

With love,

The Insane Roper Family

The Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood - 2017

2017-12-31T21:15:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year!

But before the new year, we really gotta talk about the old year. You know the one, 2017. The one where all that stuff happened and I didn't tell you about it? Well, now's the time and this is the place.

Let's start with the little one. Eclaire. She was up to fantastic shenanaginses and was our world traveller this year. She went on Trek in Wyoming.

She went to Girls Camp

She turned 16 and got this crazy idea that she was old enough to date and went to Homecoming.

She also was in a PLAY! Phantom of the Opera!

(that's her bottom left in the gold mask)

She went to Teen Author Boot Camp again, has continued writing SO VERY MUCH, continued her Hungry Bulldogs club at school, and scored SO high in her writing assessments that she nearly got kicked out of special needs. She did all mainstream classes this fall, has really struggled and will be going back to SpEd math so she can give her sanity a break. She is awesome and we love her!!

Jake has been hiding from everyone this year. If I can find a photo it will be a miracle.

90% of photos I have of Luke Skywalker, Con-man is on his shoulders...

Oh - he did leave the house to go to Comic-Con

He drove a sum total of two times.

And he went bowling. He had SUCH a good time.

He's taking a class at Institute and is supposed to be taking online classes, but he's been so busy with the napping and playing video games and carrying Connor around on his shoulders..... Oh, and that's right, he has a legit job where he makes pizza. He's loving Brick Oven and hiding in the kitchen making dough. I've tasted his work, and it is GOOD. Keep up the good work, young man.

Screamapillar and Han Solo are still living forever away. He's busy trying to get into med school, and she's is completely fixated on toddlers - seriously. She teaches Sunbeams in Primary, coaches Tiny Tot Soccer, and teaches almost full time at a local pre-school. So maybe they should have one of their own? Prolly not yet, because then she'd hate all those jobs. They came to visit a few times this year, and we wish they lived closer.

Thing Two and his Lovely Wife dontinue well. They are both gainfully employed and loving their work. Thing Two is in Marketing now, which means he moves product. Lemme share him moving product:

They go camping and hiking lots and lots and he has a new photography page (and he's REALLY REALLY GOOD!

Thing One and Hot Latin Guy are up to no good. They have raised a holy terror in Con-man, He's never safe unless he's on someone's shoulders (see Luke Skywalker, above). Thing One toils away endlessly in pursuit of electronics, and Hot Latin Guy really wants a new job he doesn't hate for a company that will pay him on time.

Most photos I have of the Con-man are out of focus because he rarely holds still...

Hubby and I had an eventful year. I did a gig as a personal chef. It was so much fun!

and hubby had a lovely colonoscopy...

I had three surgeries, two major falls involving broken bones, and still managed to do a 5K in July. If this post is boring, it's because I had a partial knee replacement last week and it is currently trying to kill me. Maybe if I took some painkillers this would be more interesting? Probably. Hubby's eventful year had him changing jobs so that he might live a little longer because he actually likes his job and the people he works for now. In fact, he's happier than he's been in five years. This is a good thing.

Running out of steam now. Here's what else happened:

Debbie's family came to visit

We had a fantastic family reunion

Josh got married!

Ana got married too, but I missed it because surgery.

Diane went to the temple!

El Guapo and Felicity had a new baby!

There was other stuff, but I don't have anything left to write with, I gotta move before I die of frozen knee. We hope 2017 was as good to you as it was to us!

Happy New Year - go out and have a wonderful 2018!

2016-12-31T18:13:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year 2016!

Only a few hours left, so it must be time for..... (insert drumroll here.....).....

the Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood!

We'll start out by mentioning that a certain computer is holding all my photos from 2016 hostage, so all we have access to are photos from my PHONE!!

NOW I KNOW YOU ARE EXCITED.

but they are the best i can get to right now.

ASlso it should be reported that I am kinda delirious and recovering from the flu and I'm not thingking all that straight. So who cares, here it is.

In January Luke Skywalker had his wisdom teeth out. Not that he has been removed of all wisdom. He still has a little. Also, we visited the Open House at the Provo City Center Temple. And according to the calendar, there was Nuclear Testing on the 12th. Also according to the calendar, some people went to an assortment of boring doctor appointments and Eclair had lunch one day at Wendy's. What a wild life we lead.

In February, looking at the calendar again because my memory fails me, more very exciting things happened. There was a High Priest dinner where I had to bring a crock pot dish, for example. And some more doctor appointments. And Cub Scouts. Also, more Nuclear Testing on the 8th (Dear. dear Hot Latin Guy tries to spice up my dull calendar). And Eclair sold some cupcakes.

Now MARCH was so much more exciting!! Luke Skywalker had a job interview (didn't get the job). And Eclair went to Wendy's again! AND WE HAD THE BIG SEASON FINALE OF DOWNTON accompanied by an amazing Downton Dinner Party. EVERYONE came, even Grandma & Grandpa. We served Bubble & Squeak, and roast beef and asparagus and I made a Trifle.

I love trifle.

Also Eclair won a scholarship to Teen Author Boot Camp, which she hated so very much that she's been working on her scholarship application for next year for a month now.

In April, we went to Grandma's and did yardwork!!! It was very exciting. Also, we finally had Jacob's Eagle court. SO PROUD OF THIS KID!!! So many people came to support him, and the refreshments were delicious.

Also, Jacob went to Prom. With a girl. They were both adorable.

In May, things got really Dull. Luke Skywalker graduated high school, I'm not sure how he managed it. The previous two kids graduated by the skin of their teeth, but it was easy for this kid. Probably because he's not a idiot. Not that the other two were idiots, just that they were.

Since he needed to be rewarded for good behavior and a job well done, we went to visit Screamapillar and Han Solo in Washington. We ate amazing food and saw amazing things.

I was impressed with what a SANITARY city Seattle is. Not.

June was pretty eventful. We went to some wedding receptions and went to a city council meeting. Woo. Hoo.

July was hot. Very hot. But it usually is, so we were unsurprised. I turned 29! Again. I have done it so many times now that we ran (Ha! barely walked....) a 5K for my birthday.

August was a month of eating amazing food. We made a trip to New Mexico for Aunt Beth's funeral for Thing Two's birthday (delightful, actually). We had a great time and ate great food with Thing Two and his Lovely Wife. They took us to see amazing things at Moki Dugway and Capitol Reef on the way home.

More weddings, and Hubby had his epic birthday too. We had a joint bday party and lots of great friends came and ate food with us.

September was exciting. Our car blew up on the freeway so we got a new one!!! Kind of, actually, because the old one is still parked on the side of the house. So we got a new one, but still need to get rid of the old one. Hubby and I went on a trip to Ohio where we had a great time attending a church history conference. Found another great place to eat while we were there.

This is the lovely view from our room. I'll bet you're envious.

View from the conference was slightly better.

October we took another trip, this time to Arizona to visit our wonderful Gandma Penny.

It was a happy/sad visit, grandma was in the hospital the whole time we were there, but the weather was beautiful and we got to spend some great times with all our family.

November picked up, but it didn't have a happy ending. Con-man turned two,

Thing One, Thing Two and Lovely Wife made a trip down to see Grandma in Phoenix. Shortly after their visit, we lost our Grandma and she went to be with grandpa in heaven. Everyone was able to come home for Thanksgiving and then travel together to the funeral in New Mexico.

December started off lousy when we lost my dear friend Aubrey.

She leaves 8 kids and a great husband bereft, and losing her two weeks after my mother-in-law kind of squelched the holidays this year.

But we'll find our smiles again, and recover. And we'll be back next year (or sooner if computers cooperate) with more from the Insane Roper Family!

The Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood 2015

2015-12-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

Another year has come and gone. They keep doing that, and each one is going faster than the last. 2015 was wonderful for the Insane Roper Family.

2015 was a year full of big things. We start of with the Con-man. He did lots of growing and wrapped every member of this family around his little finger. He is the most adorable baby in the history of babies (I say that with complete and total objectivity, it's just a fact). I mean, seriously. When have you seen a cuter baby?

Other babies joined him in 2015, 2nd cousins Addled and Doc Brown joined the family in 2015. While both these cousins are cute and adorable, Con-man is far and away the winner for Most Adorable Baby of All Time.

Eclair is still plugging away with her entrepreneurial endeavors. Claire's Sweet's Wagon received a number of custom orders this year as the word continues to spread about her wonderful treats. She got her boat driving permit issued by Awesome Grandpa, and also water-skiied for the first time. She went to Girl's Camp once again, joined by Screamapillar, who attended as a leader to help out with Eclair. They had a lovely time together. I was disappointed that another year of Girl's Camp passed without any of my offspring catching a Snipe.

Luke Skywalker has had a banner year - Not only is he PASSING all his classes with good grades, he was extended a job offer in his field of choice - VIDEO GAMING!!!! He gets to restock video games every time he goes to work! He also got his learner's permit (finally), but as of this date (5 weeks after getting said permit) he has yet to actually drive the car. Best of all, after many years of hardly any effort and 18 month of intense work, Jacob earned his Eagle! His project was completed in August, his board of review and approval was completed in November, and he will have his Eagle Court in January.

Thing Two and his Lovely Wife have been working hard at many jobs. Thing Two's current job has been explained to me multiple times but I still don't quite understand what he does. He's just working whenever he's not in school and flying when he is. He has started the Aviation program at UVU and is working hard at something he thinks he will love. They have added a few little ones to their family, but since none of them are human, I can't get too excited about it. Lovely wife is also plugging away and working in her chosen field of Social Work. She is adorable, we are thankful for them both!

Thing One and Mr. Darcy are valiantly striving to survive parenthood. The small tornado that lives with them is teaching them so much! They are doing a pretty great job of it, by the way. They moved to a new 2nd floor apartment just so they can carry their stuff up stairs since they don't have time to go the gym. It keeps them in shape. Thing One is still single handedly running her place of business and Mr. Darcy is looking for something better than the last job. I'll let you know what he finds. They are doing wonderful things and are great parents (mostly because they let me babysit so much, they are so wise...).

Luckily, all four of these alleged adults get along very well and like to do fun stuff like getting wet and windblown together.

Screamapillar finally found her Han Solo. Someone to feed her before she realizes she's hangry, to put up with her tantrums and mood swings, wait I'm gonna stop because if he reads this, we might be in trouble, we don't want the honeymoon to be over this soon...... So, last year's boyfriend got upgraded to fiancee, and then husband. He is a wonderful addition to the family, and after Bridezilla/Screamapillar's fantastic wedding last August, they moved their new family to Washington because they hate us. Well, we don't hate them and they better come visit VERY OFTEN.

2015 was a fantastic year with lots of blessings and lots of fun. We hope that it was for you also! May the Lord bless and keep you all, and join us again soon for the next edition of the AEOEAOF! See you next year!!!!

With love,

The Insane Roper/Sims/Spencer Family
.

The Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood

2014-12-31T23:41:00.000-07:00

Although many of you feared me dead, I have returned per tradition to pen my annual letter on New Year's Eve.

Welcome to our very exciting and wonderful lives! This year there were MANY changes and improvements!

Eclair continues her entrepreneurial endeavors with "Claire's Sweet's Wagon" and made millions of pennies this year. She has gained a reputation as quite the chef and doesn't use vinegar instead of oil in her cake recipes anymore. She starred as "Pinkie Pie" at Salt Lake Comic Con and hobnobbed with many celebrities. Successful year for Eclair.

Luke Skywalker continues to excel in game development. He has developed about a foot taller and with a much deeper voice as he spends hour after hour creating new game ideas in his head. He does a LOT of research and hopes to release a game someday and make as much as his little sister. He became a mechanic this year and his mother relies on him for everything auto. He is particularly skilled at starting the car and scraping off the ice in sub-zero temperatures so his lazy mother can spend five more minutes in bed.

Screamapillar is movin' on up. She has her own home now, not too far away. She excels at university in "Squeaking into Class Before the Bell" and "Excessive Sleeping." She has a boyfriend who is a complete deadbeat (seriously, we are so ashamed: he is graduating BYU in April with excellent grades and going to med school in the fall.... where did we go wrong?) She has landed a new job, where she stars as a Very Important Celebrity. So important, that she cannot reveal who she is. I do have a photo I will share though:

Thing Two and his Lovely Wife continue well. They are making MILLIONS (of phone calls, emails and quality control chats) at their current place of employment. They are also excelling at school, which in Thing Two's case is frankly a miracle. Thank heaven for Lovely Wife. They are extraordinarily happy, and we are loving having another daughter.

Thing One..... well I'm not sure what to say. She had some issues this year..... she put on a little weight. Well, not a little, actually, but a lot.....

We were really at a loss as to what do do. Her husband kept confiscating the chocolate and the french fries and the ice cream and the fry sauce and the quarter pound burgers and the pork barbacoa burritos and the See's Candies, and the Sonic shakes, and the JDawgs, and the.... well, you get the picture. Well, he got her whipped into shape. AND THEN!!!!!!!!

Then there was a baby!!!!!!

A beautiful wonderful baby. So Thing One and Mr. Darcy get to be parents now. And Hubby and I get to be grandparents. It's a pretty awesome and wonderful thing.

Hubby and I are happy. Very very happy. Our kids are annoying and awful from time to time, but anticipating more grandchildren changes the big picture just enough that we might just let them all live another year.

Hope 2014 was wonderful for you also! May the Lord bless you and may 2015 be filled with love and happiness.

With love,

The Insane Roper (and Sims) Family.

Conversations with.... my cat

2014-07-10T00:15:00.001-06:00

It's been weeks (weeks, that added together add up to months, but we're gonna say weeks so it doesn't sound like so long) since I stopped working in any kind of regular fashion. Weeks, I say.

I had a long list of "stuff I'm going to finally get done" that hasn't gotten done.

Instead stuff like this happens:

I just caught myself having a conversation with the cat.

I'm waiting up of Screamapillar to come home, nearly midnight. Hubby is discovering facebook, Thing One and Mr. Darcy (who are temporarily residing in my basement) have turned in for the night, Eclair and Luke Skywalker are allegedly asleep as well.

So, for lack of a suitable alternative, I'm having a conversation with the cat.

Cat: Feed me.

Me: Well, hello! where have you been all day?

Cat: Feed me.

Me. I suppose you are wanting some dinner?

Cat: Feed me.

Me: Let's go see what we can find!
(dry food bag is empty. canned food the only option.)

Cat: Feeeed me.

Me: I'm working on it! (cat tries to trip me going down the stairs)

Cat: Feeeeeeeeed me.

Me: Let's see - how about the green label?

Cat: Feed. Me.

Me: Gimme a sec (cat is wrapped around my ankles, making any step treacherous)

Cat: Feed me.

Me: Okay! Okay! (scooping cat food into fancy cut glass dish that is way to nice for a cat to be eating out of)

Cat: FEED. ME.

Me: You know that all this is is the mushed up stuff that no one else would eat, so they made cat food out of it just for you.

Cat: *contemptuous glare*

I'm not waiting around for a "thank you."
.

Changes...

2014-03-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I got a great job with the most incredible people....

We had so much fun at work...

Some of the wonderful people moved on, and other fantastic people joined us...

Without fail, these people really stood by me when I needed them most....

Then one day, it was my turn to move on,
and it nearly breaks my heart to leave them.

I can only do it because there are some
not-so-little-anymore people who need me more....

I'm going to miss my wonderful work family, more than I can say.

It's an incredible leap of faith to leave a job in this economy, but we will trust in the Lord that this is the right path for our family at this time. We'll be broke, but happy, and find more success in other aspects of our lives.

And we WILL do lunch, ladies...

The Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood

2013-12-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

I printed the Christmas cards again. They are actually in envelopes. Sans stamps, though, let's hope I get them out before Valentine's day...

This year, another TOP TEN: Awesome things that happened in 2013.

10. Thing One became a grandmother! How is this possible? Well, she had three cats and procrastinated getting them fixed. The male went out with a bang: two days after he got fixed, Thing One and Hot Latin Guy discovered that one of the females was preggers. She gave birth to four kittens, and then someone left a stray kitten on the doorstep. Eight Cats. Thing One has moved from "cat lady" to "complete lunatic." She continues to toil at Best Buy, where she has entirely too much access to awesome discounts on electronics.

9. Hot Latin Guy was hired as a Josh Groban body double. Or he could have been, If I hadn't made him cut his hair. He continues to toil at the software company (and did get a legitimate promotion, actually). He still denies me grandchildren. His mother and I continue to sigh loudly whenever the word "grandchildren" is used, but we haven't made much headway. We will continue the guilt trip in hopes of future success.

8. Screamapillar had a busy senior year. She graduated with high honors (being on the risers singing with the choir at graduation did elevate her slightly above some of the class, right?). She did get an actual lead in the school play, without having to break anyone's leg, and she did a lovely job. After graduation she was flooded with job offers: snow cone shack in East Bay, followed by snow cone shack in north Orem, and when snow cone season ended she went to work for McDonalds and developed a truly passionate hatred for fast food. The next job was with an essential oils company, but the high pay was just too much. She quit and has now accepted a position closer to home serving..... fast food.

7. The highlight of Luke Skywalker's year was his appearance as a character at the first SLC Comic Con. No one asked him to dress up, but he did, and he looked awesome. He also managed to rent himself out for actual pay in costume for a kid's party. Someone actually paid him to dress as Link and swordfight with a bunch of kids. This could become a career he could enjoy... He continues at PHS having fun making movies and trouble.

6. The little one. Eclair. She for some reason thinks that she is not a baby anymore and decided to leave me. I suppose it was okay because it was only for a week. And it was only camp. So I think I'll survive. She started middle school, and has landed the magnificent role of "townsperson" in the upcoming performance of "Cinderella." She volunteered her mother to do costumes, again.

5. I lost 20 lbs!!! And then I gained eight of it back again. For details on this you'll need to read THIS POST. I spent the spring recovering, summer walking laps with Thing One at the new rec center, and fall planning The Big Event. I plan to spend winter eating chocolate and blogging.

4. Hubby has become a world famous blogger in his own right. Really. You should check it out: etherscave.blogspot.com. He misses his doggie terribly, and won't even consider a new one yet. Work has been stressful this year, I think the garden has been his sanctuary. We got his secondary sanctuary finished in time for winter when he had to come inside out of the cold when we finally finished the next item on the list.

3. WE FINISHED THE REMODEL!!!! Really, truly, finished. Except for baseboards and molding. And a hall closet door. And shelving. And closet doors in Eclair's room. And curtains in Eclair's room. And the toilet we put in the new bathroom is leaking. And the ceilings haven't been painted yet. And we need a new light fixture in the hallway. And.... I guess we're not done yet. But Hubby has a new reading nook in the family room that he LOVES. And Eclair has her own room with an actual door, and a carpeted and fully lit play room under the stairs. And there are two fully functional showers to choose from. We'll finish eventually.

2. We had two awesome family reunions this year. Discovered new family in May, and got together with the same-old siblings and offspring for summer fun. There were lots of watersports and ammuntion. Fun was had by all.

1. BEST AND MOST WONDERFULLEST OF ALL - THING TWO GOT MARRIAGED!!! Finally making the plunge and becoming a full-fledged adult with an apartment they both hate and can't wait to move out of when the lease is up in April. (now that the wedding stuff is over...) We are so very happy!!!!!

We had a very fun and exciting year. We are so blessed in so many ways, and are thankful for all our friends and family (and new family) that enrich our lives. We hope you all had a wonderful year also, may the Lord continue to bless us all in the coming year.

With love, THe InSane RopEr FamIly.

Merry Christmas!

2013-12-25T20:33:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas!!!! I haven't died or dropped off the face of the earth, just spending quality time with the family.

Here's a lovely video for you to enjoy while I have a few days with all my family, my parents, siblings and their families. Hope you Christmas was merry!

Tune in next week for the Annual Epistle of Exaggeration and Outright Falsehood!

Making up for lost time

2013-09-03T15:01:00.002-06:00

There have been comments.

Someone noticed that I haven't been posting, and actually remarked about it.

So I promised to post.

And here I am, posting.

I have been legitimately busy, and threw out a post in June just to keep the blog alive.

I have a lot to write about, but in the meantime, here's what we have been up to:

In May, I found a whole new family I didn't know I had. Geneaology is awesome.

We also started a HUGE remodelling project that we mistakenly thought would be rather small. We were fools, I tell you, fools.

Eclair got old and graduated. She also went to girls camp. And she also turned twelve.

Screamapillar also graduated...by the skin of her teeth...

More family awesome: Cousin Jody went to the temple!

Cul de sac of Fire! happened, it was very messy.

We had a wet and wild family reunion.

We picked too many pears. I canned 21 quarts last weekend and didn't make a dent in the overall pear situation.

BUT THE BEST

AND MOSTEST WONDERFUL

THING

HAPPENED

IN JULY!

Thing Two proposed to his Beloved,

and even though he is nuts and comes from a crazy family, she said yes.

because I'm pretty sure she is nuts, too.

WEDDING IN NOVEMBER!!!

more details on the rest of that stuff later....

Conversations with Eclair - Garbage Rustlers

2013-06-30T03:35:00.002-06:00

It was 104 degrees out today. Hubby mowed the lawns and then insisted that he would surely perish if we did not go to get snow cones.

So of course, we did. Conveniently enough, Screamapillar works at a snow cone shack, so we visited her and left a little cooler and content.

On the way home, Hubby and I were talking about a problem at work.

Me: We've been getting lots of complaints about missing garbage cans recently up in the Indian Hills area.

Hubby: Seriously? Who would steal a trash can?

Me: Well, we'll send someone out from sanitation to look for the missing cans, and they usually find them downhill from their original location, with scuff marks down the backs. Prolly teenagers joyriding on the cans.

Eclair pipes up from the backseat: So they get in the trashcan and go downhill?

Me: Maybe. Or they ride on the side of the can or something.

Eclair: That would be really gross to be in a garbage can.

Me: Yeah. Pretty gross.

Eclair: That's kinda like what they do at Carls Jr. The big kids use the trays to go down the slide. They prolly shouldn't do that.......(long pause)....... but I only did it once.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Only once?

Eclair: But I won't do it again. 'Cause it's not really a good idea.

Me: Better than stealing a trash can, anyway.

Conbersations (she has a cold, you know) wib Eclair

2013-06-02T22:55:00.002-06:00

ONE:

a teaser before the commercial break while watching the evening news: Queen Elizabeth - just how long has she been on the throne?

Eclair: Looks like about a million years.

TWO:

Do I have to take that coughing medicine?

Yes.

But it tastes like old socks. My tastebuds said so.

THREE:

Eclair is going to camp. Today she gave me a list of demands:

MOM:

Here is a list of things for you to do:

1. Water the plants at 3:10. After that, feed my fish 3 Pellets. (His food)

2. Go to my facebook & help me on BINGO its easy. If its too hard do farmville.

3. Try to clean my fish's bowl.

4. Check the mail for letters. If yes, put them on my dresser.

It's going to be a boring week without her.

How will I survive?

A Day in the Life

2013-05-23T00:52:00.000-06:00

This is an actual day. It happened today. Today isn't over for about 63 more minutes, let's hope I don't have to add anything more....

6:30 am: Hubby's alarm goes off. He hits the snooze button. I return to dying from night sweats (can you say "hello menopause!").

6:50 am: Hubby (who claimed he was going to "get up and head in to work early" today) continues to slumber. I drag my sopping wet self outta the bed and go administer meds to my psychotic youngest children. Screamapillar is "asleep" on the love seat in the living room, her face stuck to the laptop keyboard. It might be interesting to hear her account of a "day in the life" later. Return to bed for "just another minute."

7:05 am: Screamapillar comes and pokes me and asks if I can take her to school "in five minutes." I am fully cognizant that "five minutes" will actually be twenty. I resume reading the book I fell asleep in last night until she might actually be ready to go somewhere.

7:25 am: Awaken Eclair and Luke Skywalker. Threaten to end their lives if they are not ready for school when I return from driving Screamapillar to school (yes, she's actually ready now). Oh, how I adore morning traffic.

7:45 am: Home again, I bellow to make sure people are getting ready for school. I am met with grumbling and moaning. They appear to be clothed, at least.

7:50 am: proceed to shower. Interrupted no fewer than four times by Claire asking ridiculous questions.

8:00 am: Whilst I am standing wet and wrapped in a towel, Luke Skywalker asks through the bathroom door "Mom, is the wagon still missing a tire?" "Yeah, why?" "Just wondering why Thing One just showed up, but that explains it." I proceed to get ready for work, the whole time going over the morning checklist with children through the door: "Are you wearing clean clothes? and underwear? and deodorant? Have you brushed your teeth? is there any homework you need to take with you? Are you even listening to me?"

8:10 am: "Mom, you really need to come see this...." Really? are you sure? because those words are rarely followed by something I would WANT to see...

About four centuries ago, we began a bathroom remodel. After many hours, we have drywall and some plumbing fixtures, but still no tub or potty. This is the picture I took by lowering my phone into the 20 inch deep hole where the bathtub plumbing is located. The cement slab you see is the bathroom floor. The legs are Luke Skywalkers. The shrubbery is a new cherry tree invading the basement from the roots under the foundation. It is already twelve inches high. This apparently grew here in the last week while Gpa and I were in California. I'll bet YOU wish you had a cherry tree growing out of a hole in your basement floor....

8:15 am: plead with Thing One to do something useful with her day before she goes to work, knowing full well that she will sleep on the couch and then be late for work....Gather up the Carmen Miranda dress and sombrero and drive the youngest two to school.

8:25 am: enter the melee that is the elementary school parking lot. It is remarkable the carnage that doesn't occur here on a daily basis. Let Eclair out at the curb with her accessories, and pray she isn't killed by idiot drivers before she reaches the door to the school. Give her five bucks she promises not to lose to put on her lunch account to get her through the next couple days without starving. Verify all of her activities for the day before she walks away.

8:27 am: In transit, call the high school attendance office, excuse Screamapillar absence because she skipped a class to take an e-school test. Call the business office to verify yearbooks were paid for.

8:35 am: arrive at the high school to drop Luke Skywalker. Go through daily checklist of which teachers he will talk to about which assignments, promising not to skip lunch again....Give him check and send him to the business office to pay for forgotten yearbook order.

8:50 am: Oh my gosh, I got to work on time. And got one of the GOOD parking spaces - between two police cars. They NEVER park crooked, and they don't ding your car with their door.

10 am: cell phone rings. Can't answer, I'm on the phone with a customer. Call back, it was Eclair at school - she forgot a snack from Mexico for her presentation today. Hesitantly call Hubby. He's at work can't get away at all. Call Thing Two - he is groggy and driving Thing One to work. Refuses to go buy Mexican cookies and drop them at school. Return to work and hope for the best.

11:40 am: Call Thing Two again. Still groggy. Whines. Actually whines! about my asking him to take cookies to Eclair at school. Get grumpy with the boy and insist he take care of it. Back to work. More customers who don't know who they are or where they live but are firmly convinced they are adult enough to take on the responsibility for a utility account.

12:20 pm: Another call from Eclair on the cell phone. Call her back at the school, she is concerned there will be no cookies. Negotiate with my awesome supervisor to slip away from 1:45 - 2:15 to get cookies and deliver them to the school.

1:00 pm Dad calls my cell phone. On the phone, can't call him back. He calls desk phone. Still on the phone, can't answer that either. Get text from Dad. Carpet guy wants to come over. Today. Dad calls into the main queue, gets lucky and gets me, says carpet guy will be at my house at about 3:30.

1:45 pm: Dash from the office to the grocery store. Find cookies. They are cheap, hooray. Run to deli because I realize I have only had three crackers from my desk drawer to eat today. Girl in front of me wants to chat with deli-girl. Deli-girl appreciates the length of the line and tries to hurry her along. Then the miserable woman tries to pay using only pocket change. Smoke starts coming out of my ears....Get two chicken strips, eat them before arriving at the school and then take this awesome photo:

Momma saves the day for sombrero girl.

2:15 back to work, crappy parking spot next to public works truck who parks crooked and over the line....grrrr.

3:05 pm: off work, scurry over to high school to pick up Luke Skywalker from Seminary. Wait fifteen minutes........Dash to elementary school because I promised to pick up Eclair. She is no where to be found. Fearing that I'm just making it worse, send Luke Skywalker into the school to look for her. He returns 10 minutes later - we forgot she has afterschool play practice, needs to be picked up at five pm. Phone rings: Dad. Ferando the carpet guy is at the house, where am I? THREE MINUTES AWAY. Okay?

3:40 pm: Shake hands with Fernando the carpet guy and proceed to give him a tour of the ground zero that is my house. Yes, we are in the middle of a remodel, but who cares? I have never been so humiliated in my life as I have to let him in to EVERY room in my wreck of a house so he can make sure the estimate he gave us is correct. Agree that neither of us wants to move the baby grand piano, knowing full well that we will be the ones moving it at this price. Date of carpet install has to be moved forward. We are five days away, folks, not sure how in heck we are going to be ready in time.

4:10 pm: Humiliation complete, I sit down at my computer and play Farmville for ten minutes. This is all the downtime I'm going to get today, give me a break. Negotiate with Thing One and Hubby to see which one is going to pick up Eclair from play practice because I have to be somewhere else. Try to call Girls Camp leader to tell her we have a conflict and can't make the parent meeting this evening at seven. Get voice mail and leave a message.

4:25 pm: Luke Skywalker and I leave for doctor appointment in American Fork. Again, may I say how much I love traffic? After spending a week with my sister in LA, I find myself driving VERY.....more aggressively than usual.

4:59: pm: Arrive at doctor's office and wait 25 minutes to be seen. Luke Skywalker has lost six pounds since January - probably because he skips lunch. Discover he skipped lunch today because he had to dissect a frog in science immediately before lunch. After the appointment, hurry back home to take Eclair shopping for a dress for graduation (which is tomorrow).

6:15 pm: Pick up Eclair and head to Kmart - make Luke Skywalker promise that he will only do homework until I get home. Yeah, right, like that's gonna work. Kmart clothing is completely unacceptable. Go to mall: JC Penny tween dresses are all backless for some strange reason. Hit the jackpot at Sears on the clearance rack of all places:

From the moment I picked her up, Eclair has been complaining of underarm pain - as she is trying on dresses, I discover that her lymph glands on one side are extremely swollen. Eclair refuses to put her arm down because of the pain for the entire shopping trip. Now that just makes my day.

6:45 pm: Gma calls. She is at the high school saving us seats for Screamapillar's concert. How soon might I get there? As soon as I feed a grumpy Eclair. Drive thru dinner: person in front of us had apparently never used a drive through before, and pulled up so far from the window that the poor girl was hanging out the drive up window all the way to her waist trying to deliver a fruit smoothie to the first-timer. Eclair is unhappy that there is no time to drive her back to the house. She has no desire to attend the choir concert. Feeling slightly better after eating, we go to join Gma.

7:08 pm: Get to the auditorium and haven't missed the beginning of the show yet, thank goodness. Gma is glad to see us. Eclair is grumpy. Then the show starts and strange things happen:

Yes, I'm sorry, those are men in tights.

Halfway through the show, Eclair is weeping from the pain in her glands, and I duck out to see if we can get an appointment - nothing available until 9:50.

9:15 pm: finally drag Screamapillar away from her friends so we can go home. Spend ten minutes talking to Hubby, then off to the doctor in Orem.

9:45 pm: On our way to the doctor, I observe through someones' front window a Christmas tree. In their living room. Still decorated. And my thought is, "boy, I'm glad we got our tree down!"

10:00 pm. Seeing the doctor. He says the swelling is a reaction to the immunizations Eclair had yesterday. Up to six weeks of possible swelling, accompanied by "mild pain."

10:25 pm Home again. Set up Eclair with a heating pad, she's out like a light in just a few minutes. Gma calls to check on her, everything will be fine. Luke Skywalker is off to bed. Screamapillar (who should be working on homework) falls asleep next to Eclair. Only me still up to report on the day.

Be glad it wasn't yours.

Tomorrow, a play at 9 am and again at 7 pm, 6th grade graduation at 1:30, and somewhere in between, the slaughter of a small cherry tree...

The laws of physics: something I just made up one day to torture my children.

2013-04-25T14:38:00.000-06:00

Back when we were figuring out how many kids we wanted to have, we were using factors like money, time, housing, and wear and tear on the uterus to make the decision. Here’s the factor we should have used: HOW MANY CHILDREN WILL I HAVE TO TEACH HOW TO DRIVE….

It’s Screamapillar’s turn to try to kill me. I sit there in the co-pilot seat, completely powerless. Never in my life have I wished for a “chicken brake” more.

She accuses me of “yelling” at her when she drives. It’s actually screams of terror. Screamapillar and Thing Two have been the most difficult cases, because they are VERY stubborn and are of the opinion that, although I have been driving for 31 years, I couldn’t possibly have any information of value to offer them. They know it ALL and don’t need instruction. I dread the driving.

The part that is particularly galling is that they think that the laws of physics are something I made up. ‘Cause yeah, I’m just mean like that.

Let’s take a closer look at physics as it applies to teenage drivers!

Every body continues in its state of rest, or of uniform motion in a straight line, unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed upon it.
- Newton's First Law of Motion, translated from the Principia's Latin

This means that an object that is in motion will not change velocity (including stopping) until a force acts upon it. For example: If you wish to stop the car, and press the accelerator instead of the brake, your speed will actually increase. And your mother will scream.

The acceleration produced by a particular force acting on a body is directly proportional to the magnitude of the force and inversely proportional to the mass of the body.
- Newton's Second Law of Motion, translated from the Principia's Latin

This is pretty self explanatory: The more you press the accelerator, the more gas is transferred to the engine, the faster the car will go and the more your mother screams.

centrifugal force

noun

an outward force on a body rotating about an axis, assumed equal and opposite to the centripetal force and postulated to account for the phenomena seen by an observer in the rotating body.

This one applies to turning: the faster you make the turn, the more forces are applied pushing the vehicle away from the direction of the turn. This usually results in bonking your mother’s head on the passenger side window (which has more to do with the First Law actually), resulting loss of control of the vehicle and your mother screaming.

And no, no matter how many times you scream it at me, you do NOT “accelerate into a turn.”

Newon's Third Law: For Every Action there is a Reaction

What does Newton's Third Law tell us?
(found HERE and edited by mommy)
Newton's third law tells us that when you push against something it pushes back on you with an equal and opposite force. Newton's 3rd law is the law of action and reaction. It tells how forces interact with each other. The forces are the action force and the reaction force. There will be a reaction force even if the object is non-living (or was living before you killed it).

Here are 5 examples of action and reaction forces:

1.When you ~~push on a wall the wall pushes back on you~~ hit the garage door the garage door hits you.

2. When you ~~walk on the the ground, you push the ground and the ground pushes you~~ run into the mailbox the mailbox runs into you.

3.When the ~~bat hits the ball the ball hits the bat~~ car plummets from a cliff into the ground the ground hits you

4.When your ~~finger touches your nose your nose touches your finger~~ overcorrection causes you to plow into a telephone pole, the telephone pole plows into you.

5. When you ~~push on a table the table pushes on you~~ smash into a parked car, the parked car smashes into you.

Kinetic energy is a form of energy that represents the energy of motion.

Kinetic energy is what makes you hit the oncoming car harder after you have failed to overcome centrifugal force because you ignored the Second Law. You mother won’t be screaming anymore because she’s dead.

But that’s okay, because there is no such thing as physics!

I quit teaching. But she still needs to learn to drive. Any volunteers?

Spring Break at the zoo: a top ten

2013-04-15T00:35:00.000-06:00

Oh, the adventures we have! We recently had spring break, and thought it might be a good idea to go to the zoo. Eclair insisted, actually. She ALWAYS wants to go to the zoo. It didn't hurt that we had a coupon and she got in for free....

Last time we went to the zoo, it was just her and I. This time we forced the teenagers to go. Primarily, because at the last FHE, Eclair's grievance was that she felt like an only child because the big kids never went on the activities she wanted to do. It was acknowledged that she had a valid point, and now teenagers are required to go on Eclair's activities.

So today, we have for you a ZOO TOP TEN....

WITH PHOTOS BY BOTH ECLAIR AND MOMMY (see if you can guess which ones are Eclair's!).

10. Traffic was abysmal. Spring Break is the absolute worst time to go to the zoo. If I had had any inkling before we went what the traffic would be like, I would have scheduled this for another day. It took us 20 minutes to travel the last mile to the zoo. Once we reached the parking lot, it took another 20 minutes to park.

When we got into the zoo, it wasn't much better, the gridlock caused by strollers, wagons, wheelchairs and coolers. People brought coolers in for some reason, LARGE ones. I saw a family of four with a wheeled cooler, much larger what we take camping when we are gone for a week or more. What did they have in there, I wonder? We shoulda brought a cooler so we could have pie and ice cream! I'm a terrible parent: we only brought one bag with water bottles, apples and peanut butter sammiches.

9. YAY for Feeding time! We thought that being there in the afternoon was worse than the morning. Not true. We got to see lots of animals being fed. Strangely enough, the best one to watch was the fruit bats, because of the feats of agility required for them to reach the food and eat without flying....

(due to low light, we only have a photo of the tortoises eating

8. EWWW for Feeding time! Watching a vegetarian animal eat is far more attractive that watching scavengers eat.

7.We learned that monkey's primarily want to show you their backside. I'm sure that if you have already visited a zoo in your lifetime, you know that this is the least of your worries while viewing monkeys. You never know WHAT they are going to do. In the monkey house I also learned that the monkeys actually smelled BETTER than some of the zoo patrons.

6. Hogle Zoo is in the midst of incredible upgrades. Thus, the train was out of commission, sad day. The finished exhibits are wonderful. The only downside here is that Harbor Seals and Sea Lions in their natural-ish habitats are fast. Too fast to photograph in most cases.

5. Many parents at the zoo are completely oblivious. They must be so engrossed by the exotic animals that they forget that the BROUGHT CHILDREN WITH THEM..... case in point: the gentleman pushing a double-wide rented stroller with no children in it. Priceless was the look on his face when he realized his twin three year old boys were not in the stroller, but were busy shoving me out of the way while they tried to get under the fence to see some rhinos. Another, the oblivious mother whose three year old boy was on a leash. He was six feet ahead of her, diving through the crowd in the monkey house. Behind her was trailing a rented zoo wagon, filled with fruit snacks and water bottles and umbrellas and stuffed animals (there was no room for the poor child). As she was pulled through the crowd by her child, she had no regard for the people she was passing, and plowed into people with the wide wagon that was following her. All in all, she was a 16 foot long train of destruction, damaging everyone in her path. When she came to a stop in front of the gorilla exhibit, no one could get anywhere near, as she was taking up the entire front of the exhibit with her one child and his wagon train.

4. The zoo is an easy place to get photobombed. Halfway through this photo, this woman realized she was in the way. This is her "You can't see me I'm invisible" pose. She came up and apologized for walking though my photo, and we both died laughing when I showed her the photo.

3. Spring is a great time to go to the zoo, because of the baby animals. Eclair was in alt. She must have said "LOOK at the cute baby!" sixty seven MILLION times.

2. Everyone has their favorite animal to see at the zoo. For Eclair, it was all of them. Each and every animal was her favorite, especially the reptiles. She says her favorite is the giraffes, but that might just be because it is her best friend's favorite. She took more pictures of the snakes and lizards, though.

1. There was this woman who had a really really bad dye job on her hair. It was RED. Not the shade of red you would expect to see on a middle-aged plus-sized woman - not auburn, or titian, or ginger. RED. Like the primary color. Like the American flag. Like the Kool Aid man. After a bit of hiking, uphill and down again on the south side of the zoo, she came to rest on the bench at the bottom of this hill. Sweat was streaming down her face. Red sweat. A passing young zoo employee passed her going uphill, then doubled back in alarm.
"Do you need some help?" she asked .
"No, I'll be okay in a minute." REDhead replied
The employee had already pulled out a radio, and says "I'll just call for the paramedics just in case"
The REDheaded woman, wiping red sweat from her face says "No, it's just my hair color coming off."
"Oh!" says the zoo employee, relieved. "I thought we were going to need an ambulance!"

I almost DIED laughing. I'm the one who needed an ambulance.

So lonely I could cry

2013-03-12T23:35:00.001-06:00

Eclair has always wanted her own room. Being the youngest, the lot of sharing falls to her. Until of course, her sister got married and moved away. Then an opportunity for freedom and liberation was presented to her.

She got her own room.

(To share only with 400 LPS toys, and a plethora of stuffed animals and baby dolls.)

Alas, she still was not satisfied. Many nights she would sleep on the couch in the living room. On on the floor in my bedroom. Or the fold out couch bed upstairs in the family room. Or right next to Screamapillar on a narrow twin bed.

No amount of pleading, scolding, cajoling or outright bribery would make this child sleep in her own bed more than two nights in a row. Last night we had a little discussion about why she wouldn't stay in that "room of her own" that she had been begging for all these years?

With the saddest frown you ever did see, and tears streaming down her face she told me "I'm lonely!"

Since I'm a amazing mom, I came up with a solution on the spot. "What if we got you a pet that would sleep in your room with you?" At this point, Hubby glares at me as if to say "are you insane?" We decided that a hamster or gerbil wouldn't be good, since that one time when she pulled the tail off a gerbil at a friend's house.....

Birds are not so cuddly, and they are messy, and we do have two cats....

And then we came upon the perfect solution: fish. Cheap, easy, and she has no qualms about flushing them and getting another when they inevitably become floaters.

We cleaned up an old fish bowl formerly inhabited by the last ill fated fish who lived here, and made a trip to the pet store. Twenty-six cents later, Eclair was the proud owner of two little fish.

They had no fewer than twelve names between the front door of the pet store and the front door of our house. They are currently being referred to as "black fin" and "oro."

I'm not sure if this is going to work as far as solving the bedtime issue. She went to bed happily in her own room for once. But the last time Hubby went to check on her AT ELEVEN PM, he returned to report, "SHE IS STILL SINGING LULLABIES TO THOSE INFERNAL FISH!"
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Not cool, Robert Frost.

2013-02-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

A friend shared this with me recently, and it is just too good not to pass on.

"What if there really were two paths? I wanna be on the one to awesome."
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Captivity

2013-02-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

Scene: early morning in the family room at the Roper house

Eclair (stumbles in still wearing pajamas, rubbing sleep from her eyes): I had another bad dream, Mom.

Mom: Wanna tell me about it? What was it about?

E: I was in captivity. In a donut store.

M: Really?

E: Yeah. My kidnappers were really mean.

M: What did they do that was so mean?

E: They made me do fast-math, every single day.

M: Fast-math? Is that so terrible?

E: Yeah. It's really hard and I don't like it. It's boring.

M: Captivity in a donut store, having to do math. Sounds awful.

E: It was. You wanna know the worst part?

THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME EAT A DONUT.

Well, it's about time.

2013-02-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

I've been gone a while, recovering. Just to show you how much I love you, I'm going to share with you the top ten list that I wrote....

IN THE HOSPITAL....

WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF HEAVY DUTY PAINKILLERS...
(my drugged handwriting was not easy to read, mind you, doing my best here.)

My gall bladder and I have agreed to a divorce. It was an emergency divorce, as our relationship deteriorated VERY rapidly. One day I didn't know it existed, and the next, it was a sadistic time bomb holding my midsection hostage.

Our parting was not amicable.

MY TOP TEN FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT BEING IN THE HOSPITAL:

10: Intubation: I was asleep during the intubation process, but the resulting damage to my voice surprised me. As a result, I can now do a spectacular impression of a 97 year old chain smoker.

9. SCD: Successive Compression Devices (I had to call the nurse's station to find out what these things are called). They go on you lower legs, giving gentle pressure periodically, in an effort to prevent blood clots. They also give you the sensation that 18 cats are living at the foot of your bed, kneading your covers.

8. "Liquid" Diet: after six days of absolutely NOTHING to eat or drink, I was allowed to partake of a liquid diet. For some crazy reason, I didn't find the IV fluid very satisifying... My first meal was Chicken Broth. It was the nectar of the gods.

7. Morphine Dreams: I dreamed my house was clean!CLEAN! As I have written this in my hospital bed, and have not been home to verify, I'm clinging tightly to my delusion. Each time I woke up, I was presented with a different delusion: I heard water dripping and thought I was underwater, once woke up to what I thought was Pack Meeting (just a nurse in yellow scrubs), and the list goes on and on...

6. Rubber-neckers. Just because the nurse left that door open doesn't mean you get to try to look up my skirt. Seriously?

5. Respiratory Therapy. It's like carnival game that you CANNOT win. Maybe if they painted an angry bird on it, or made it a team sport instead, I might be more motivated. I'm obviously not dead, so I must be breathing, right? Leave me alone, already.

4. Drugs. Drugs are a wonderful thing when you are hurting. It's good to have professionals who know which drugs work for what, and to have someone anticipate your pain and prevent it from happening in the first place (Kudos, excellent nursing staff!).

3. Frozen pizza, burritos "wit mardain bragnegz" (I have no idea what that means, but I wrote it down, so it must be something?) As long as these things are in the house, my children don't even apparently NEED parents. Eclair's last question to me when she called earlier wasn't about my hospital stay, or the surgery, but instead "This is my can of oranges, right? I don't have to share with anybody?" (so I guess "mardain bragnegz" is mandarin oranges on morphine.)

2. I think I must have fallen asleep, because there aren't any more after that.....

Instead, I'll tell you another story! When they rolled my back to my room (try not to picture Violet Beauregard, please), there was a small gathering of nurses outside my room. They handed me a piece of cardstock with four photos printed on it. They were pretty excited when they said, "Your doctor left this for you!"

It was four gory and disgusting photos of my gall bladder, and the stone it contained.

The gall baldder was the size of a ruby red grapefruit.

The stone was the size of a large avocado pit (and strangely enough, the same color and shape...).

The photos were too graphic to share (MOM! THAT IS SO GROSS!), so I drew you a picture instead:

So you can see now why we parted ways. The size of this monstrosity made me a minor celebrity on the fourth floor. At every shift change, the incoming nurse and assistant would come and introduce themselves, and by the way, can we see your pictures?

I rang for assistance in the early morning hours, and an orderly came in to adjust something for me. He wasn't from my nurses station, he said, he worked on the other side, but thought he'd come help because he had a minute, and they said you have some pictures?

Last nurse before I came home said she had seen one bigger. Then she looked at the photos, and said, "well pretty close..."

I'd rather garner noteriety for something awesome like growing an extra toe. No such luck.

So back to blogging the insanity that is my life.
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The annual epistle of exaggeration and outright falsehood, 2012

2012-12-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's New Year's Eve (again), but we were just so busy with our globe-trotting and investing our millions of dollars that I was unable to get my personal assistant on the task of writing this for me...

2012 was, truthfully, a very full year.VERY VERY FULL, I proclaim.

Thing One landed a spouse. We call him Hot Latin Guy. I knew it was over the first time he came to the door.... After a whirlwind engagement (they gave me TWO MONTHS!!! ONLY TWO MONTHS TO PLAN AN ENTIRE WEDDING!!!) they married in the Manti Utah temple at the end of July. They're currently living in a 4000 square foot mansion (basement apartment) in Cedar Hills (Spanish Fork) where they have already blessed me with three grandchildren (grandkittens? is that a word?). They are adjusting well to the luxuries (ha!) of newlywed life. I am adjusting (joyfully) to getting another son (who unfortunately, makes the other two look like terrible slackers, btw). We miss them tons, and wish they would come hang out on our couch for hours on end like they used to.

Thing Two got a promotion to General Manager at the movie theater (projectionist, actually)!!! He's bringing in six figures (um...much more that minimum wage, at least), and has started looking at his options in earnest. He finally managed to find enough time to get his pilot's (driver's) license, and enjoying the new found freedoms that such a license provides. He is tooling about town in his newest acquisition, a vintage Ferrari Testarossa (1994 Ford Aspire) and has learned much (absolutely tons) of the workings (and repair) of the internal combustion engine.His adorable girlfriend is still in the picture (as we continue to be kind to the boy and not let her in on his true dorky nature), although we still don't get to see her often enough.

Screamapillar continues to be SOO so so so busy. She discovered Drama this year, landing ALL of the leading roles in PHS's production of Les Miserables (well, she was a beggar person who hold's Jean Valjean's coat while he's doing stuff, and she was a prostitute, and I should probably just stop there....she did land an actual lead in the upcoming Spring play, but I'll tell you about that in next year's letter as it hasn't happened quite yet). I won't need to exaggerate about the dating, my goodness, SO MANY BOYS to keep track of. I suppose I should be grateful for variety. She will be graduating this year, and moving on to Harvard or Yale (BYU or BYU-I) next fall. She hasn't found the need to get her driver's license yet, as she has the use of a personal jet pack, invented by Luke Skywalker (she's a first-rate ride moocher).

Luke Skywalker has spent the year (un)productively. He upgraded his living quarters (got a room with an actual door and a queen size bed - I think there's carpet in there, but I'd have to actually be able to see it to be sure). He excels in Science, and continues to enjoy blowing things up (man, if he grows up to be a unabomber, I'm really going to regret all these "blowing things up" remarks). In his spare time, he dabbles with gourmet cooking (he can make a whole bunch of actual food, people) and I have come to rely on him quite a lot this last year with my busy schedule. He has a driver's license now (in his dreams) and an iphone 5 (also in his dreams - he does actually have Thing Two's old phone, with which he can dial 911 any time he needs to). He has great hopes of ruling the world someday.

Eclair has had a busy year also. In January and February she earned her black belt in just five lessons of karate class. In March, she was eaten by a dinosaur. in April, she scaled a waterfall unassisted. In May, she sang in a concert and viewed an eclipse. In June, she ran the entire household while all the other girls were gone to California for a wedding. In July, she was the life of the party and the prettiest flower girl ever at Thing One's wedding. In August, she built a theater in the backyard for a birthday movie night. In September, she took a ride on a UFO, and petted a steer. In October, snakes grew from her head, and she transformed into a creature from Greek mythology. In November, she became an aunt to three kittens, cut off all her hair, and tried to move in with Thing One and Hot Latin Guy. In December, she caught Santa in the act on Christmas Eve. (EVERY BIT of this is true - although I must admit that the "black belt" was actually white under all the electrical tape...)

Lots of other good stuff happened. I relocated and got a promotion at work (or maybe you'd call it an "elevation" since we just moved offices from the first floor at one building to the second floor or another...). I also have the absolute best calling in the history of the Church (assistant nursery leader - sitting around reading, playing and singing with 9 adorable little ones every Sunday). Hubby hasn't got it so easy, but he needed a new challenge anyway. Last year he added some valuable skills to his resume (Screamapillar taught him how to text) and he will be investing more time this year continuing his education (he got a new iphone and will be trained by the children in how to properly use it).

Gabby and Pedro and their parents left us at the end of July (thus the two month engagement, had to get them married before our other flower girl moved away). We miss them TONS! Gabby, tell your daddy that he doesn't need to go to medical school, but should move back here and manage a Taco Bell instead.

We miss our Misty, who passed away in November. Muffin and Gus have stepped up the fighting in an effort to fill the void. Teaching the cats to use the dog door in Misty's absence has proved unfruitful. Like true cats, they must wait for a human to serve them by opening all necessary doors.

We have been blessed in 2012, and look forward to an even more eventful and fun 2013.

Merry (late) Christmas and Happy New Year!

with love from the insane Roper family

Conversations with Eclair...and Screamapillar

2012-12-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

Eclair comes into the kitchen, one hand cupped over the other, shaking something. Screamapillar and I are preparing the monthly Lasagne Feast.

Eclaire: Guess the number of dice, Katie!

Screamapillar: Two hundred and six

E: Nope.

S: Two hundred and four

E: that's way too high!

S: Two hundred

E: NO!! It's between one and six.

S: Nine.

E: Still too high, Katie. Guess lower.

S: Negative Three

E: Almost! Just not the negative.

S: Seven

E: NO!! Okay, I'll make it easier. It's between two and four

S: Four

E: NO!! BETWEEN two and four

S: Two

Mom: I'm sorry Claire, she's just not very smart.

E: Katie, guess right!

S: Three and a half.

E: *Exasperated sigh* Okay, I guess that's close enough.
(leaves the room in a huff)

S: THAT WAS FUN!!!! Let's do it again.

E: NO WAY!! I thought you were going to take FOREVER!!!!

Makes you want to run right over here and play games with us, don't it?
.

So be good for goodness sake.

2012-12-24T14:07:00.001-07:00

Another conversation with Ecliar:

E: Mom, you said Santa always watching to see if you're being good or bad?

M: Yep. You're trying to be good, right? So you should be okay. You shouldn't worry about it so much.

E: Well, what I'm really worried about is that everyone says he can see you ALL the time...

(Did I mention that she is standing outside the bathroom, wet and wearing a towel?)

Interjection from Luke Skywalker: He's not a peeping tom, you know.

So everybody be EXTRA GOOD and watch this wonderful video. It stars our FAVORITE musicians, The Piano Guys, and Alex is in there too.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!

Almost Christmas...

2012-12-23T02:59:00.001-07:00

We can measure it in hours now, the Christmas that is coming. Tonite we finished up our Christmas shopping at the church Distribution store, I wished we had started there instead, it might have set a better tone to the Christmas giving season.

I also remembered something I had forgotten to post. Shortly after Thing One married her hot Latin guy, we got to attend a wedding as guests. The post on that very fun day cannot be done until I do my own daughter's wedding justice. Doing Thing One's wedding post was much delayed by the fact that I wasn't the one taking all the photos, I was at the mercy of others and got the photos right when I started up sewing for the big musical production....but I digress. I promise lots of wedding posts next month, in January, when I hope to have some time on my hands.

Today, Alex and Erica.

Theirs was a blending of families and faiths. Alex grew up back East, raised in a devout Jewish family. He later joined the LDS faith, and became a good friend of Hubby's.

We were honored to be invited to the sealing and reception, the day was very joyful, both families very accepting of the choice the two made to be wed.

I remembered this today, because Alex has been up to some pretty great stuff. He was cast as Joseph in the Church's recent productions of stories of the Savior for the Mormon Channel. His is a small, but very important role. He finished up filming just in time to shave the "Joseph" beard in time for the wedding!

Please, enjoy this WONDERFUL video, and check back again for a few more as we welcome Christmas this year.

Merry Christmas!
.

widdle peoples

2012-12-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I are in agreement that the Fisher Price Little People were the best part of our childhood. The Castle, the Service Station, the A Frame Cabin. Lots of houses, and accessories, every tiny little detail on these that made them fantastic.

Best was the little people themselves. The Pigtail Girls. The Farmer and the School Teacher. When Hubby was a boy, they used to have wars with the peoples (as little boys are wont to do), and the "special forces" were always the Mean Boys - you know the ones: hats on backwards, freckled and scowling...

I've seen many incarnations of home-made "little people," even considered making some for Thing One's wedding cake topper. I did finally make some - for my mother. Let me introduce you to them, starting with:

My youngest brother's family. They live in Connecticut, and we don't get to see them often enough. They need to move to Utah. Right now. My brother, there in the back, looks like he works for the mafia, but he doesn't. Really.

Next up, my younger sister:

She married a fireman. So I painted him red. She's actually missing a people here, I didn't realize it at the time, but Lex rolled under the table and almost got lost... kinda like real life, actually. YOU try keeping track of number six when she's a bright and inquisitive FEARLESS child.

Then comes my fambly:

Hello kiddos!! Eclair looks cute and Hubby has hair!

Then the oldest, my sister Diva:

Her hubby is commonly referred to in the family as "that bald ripped guy..." so yeah, I let him be bald.

Now I have a new problem, an ongoing one. Diva has married off that pink one and the brown one. You might know them as Dorita and El Guapo. Younger sister Peggle has married off her Ellie-mae. And my own Thing One is now wed. So we need some more peoples. Don't forget that Dorita has given birth to Gabby and Pedro. My work will never be done.

These were really simple to do. All the wooden pieces came from Hobby Lobby, and they look like this:

This is what I used for the heads, it's called a ball knob - it's flat on the bottom - this is important.

Adult bodies were candle cups:

obviously, these are upside down like some clown wants to put candles in them or something equally stupid...

Kiddo bodies were made from spools:

Just put heads on bodies with Gorilla glue, wait 24 hrs so they're UNBREAKABLE... then paint! Be careful not to get glue on any part you are going to paint. Don't be sloppy....

If I were to do anything different, I would have primed these puppies with spay paint primer before I started on all the hand painting, it would have gone much faster.

They make a wonderful Christmas gift - don't take much time, and don't take up a lot of space. Grandchildren LOVE them (Lex is always running off to play with my mom's set)

SO, GO!!! Gather supplies and make yerself a fambly!!!!

Jus' don' make 'em cuter than mine.....

dear departed doggie

2012-12-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Things have been super hectic lately with all the activities the kids and I are involved in, but I did really need to post about a recent loss we had.

You may remember this header from a while back:

or this one:

Both starring our very awesome dog, Misty. She's been with us a LONG time.

Thing one is twelve in this photo. Hard to tell, I know, because she's still that short today as a married grown-up person....

That's a four-year-old Eclair sharing oatmeal with our doggie. This child doesn't remember a time when Misty wasn't part of our family.

Each winter has been getting harder for her, sometimes she could barely climb the stairs. Then the weather would warm up and she would be her old self again. Her coat went from a caramel brown to a light blonde over the years. This last summer, she really started going downhill, escalated by an injury to her neck and spine in July. The second week of November, she made it known to us that she was ready to go. It's been really hard on us all, she was our first dog ever, and was a larger part of our lives than we suspected until she was gone.

Trying to put together the photoshopped wonder that was our 2010 Christmas card was harder than it looked... Misty was a dog of perpetual motion and great strength. If she had been in the room at the same time as the cats, there wouldn't have been any cats left afterward.

So two separate photos were taken, and the grils were magically inserted afterward to make the very first image above.

Because of the perpetual motion thing, she was a hard dog to get photos of. IMPOSSIBLE to focus on.

She would always sit still for a hug, though.

It's been a difficult adjustment - I still find myself saving the choicest scraps for her while cooking, I look for her to be peeking at me through her "window" between two fence slats at the gate in the driveway, and I miss hearing her "now come pay attention to me" bark from the laundry room when she comes inside. There are a lot of little things that have changed with her absence.

Here is how I will remember her best: