The "Safe Place" Blog

The Rich Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 17:54:00 +0000

After the first two debacles with online dating, I decided to go on an OKC break. Keep it running, but not pursue anything. Then, of course, the universe threw me a curveball. A very cute (cute, in like a dude way, not a "OMG he's so beautiful he will melt my eyeballs if I look at him" way), very successful (if he was honest about his income) man emailed me. Sent me something hilarious, and we all know I'm a sucker for someone who can make me laugh. We emailed back and forth, and I was already getting excited when I would see that I had a response from him. We talked before I left for a work trip in NYC. Great conversation, a lot of joking and laughing. I left for New York, then he left for Montana, so we made plans to meet almost a week and a half after we talked (side note: this was a BIG mistake, hope to never repeat it). We spent the entire time texting each other. It was ridiculous, I was like a little schoolgirl, giggling over his messages, showing my boss, feeling that little excited flutter whenever he would text me. I already was crushing, hard, before even meeting him. It made me that much more nervous about seeing him... what if he didn't like me? What if I didn't like him? What if the whole thing was a big disappointment?? There was already more pressure put on the situation than there needed to be, which I suppose is never a good thing.

Finally the date came... First of all, he was honest about his income. Beautiful house in a good part of LA, two silver Mercedes Benz cars, one 2-seater and one SUV ("they match!" He says... geeeeze). He was funny. He was a gentleman. He was affectionate, but in a good way. He took me to a really nice restaurant with fantastic tapas, but I honestly wouldn't have known it, as I was so distracted by the great conversation. This was going so well! Back to his place, we had a hot makeout session. I was excited. He was great! And yes, the thought of a man who could easily take care of me and a family I would like to some day have was very alluring. I was kind of in a daze about this guy, so I didn't right away wonder why he left things, after walking me to my car, with "I'll call you." The daze continued into the next morning, but by the afternoon the shadows set in when he hadn't contacted me. Not a text, not a call. Everyone told me I was too quick to get upset, but I knew. I felt it then. The cloudy daze had lifted, and it was clear.

To be fair, that night he texted me. But something was off. The next day, more texts, and more strangeness to them. He wasn't making plans for a second date. By day 3, I was about 90% certain, and decided to force his card so that I didn't spend all week just wondering what was going on. I asked him what he was doing that weekend. No response. Nothing. It's been a week, today I delete his number from my phone.

Goodbye, Rich Guy...

Post Script: I learned some very important lessons from this date. Number one, it is far more honorable to let someone know, even if it be via email or Facebook message, that you no longer want to see them, than to be weird, aloof and disappear. Number two, I don't have to be intimidated by someone who is well educated and successful. It is possible that I am just good enough to be in a relationship with someone like that. Number three, I am not ready, yet, to meet the guy I will be able to spend the rest of my life with. Some of my wounds are too fresh.

The PA

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 16:37:00 +0000

The PA. Nice boy. I say boy, even though he is 32 and older than me, but somehow I still can only call him a boy. He seemed to have a lot of quality insights, especially about spirituality, and he was obsessed with Bikram Yoga, which was impressive. He caught me in the middle of my two dates with the lawyer, so I was on an online dating high, and it took about two messages before I asked if he wanted to get drinks. We ended up having dinner, and he actually showed up in a collard shirt! Amazing! He also brought me a single red rose, which was very cute. We had great conversation, and in the middle of dinner, he wanted to hold my hands across the table. OK, a little awkward for me, but I was kind of loving the attention. Then he started in on the kissing of the hands. Ummm... ok.... just roll with it, Celine. He's just affectionate.

After dinner we walked around Hollywood a little. The kiss was actually good... not heart-stopping, but good! He held my hand, kept up that hand-kissing thing, and did the awkward walk-behind-me-with-arms-around-my-waist thing. As nice as that is, I can't stand how silly it makes people walk. So I just told him we should go back. We went to his apt and watched a movie. More kissing, and I did enjoy that. I left later, relatively happy with the date, then I started thinking about it... it felt a little odd to be soooo affectionate. Would I be able to hang with this guy at a bar with my friends, with him making out with the back of my hand?? Answer: probably not. Then it got serious...

He texted me frequently and wanted to call me every day. I had 2 events that week and the next, so I made it clear to him that I wouls be really really busy and may not be able to see him. His response was to "think outside the box" as he called it, I would call it "getting wayyy too involved in my personal space" - he wanted to come to my soccer game, come to my event, come to my house.... it was getting to be too much. I sent him a facebook message, telling him that I still had feelings for my ex, and as I know he was feeling strongly for me, it wouldn't be fair to keep dating him. I felt like I was breaking up with him. His response was "I hope this isn't a decision you'll regret" - Regret passing up a clingy, moves-to-fast, freelance Production Assistant who sells video phones on the side? Yah, that's doubtful. Thanks.

Goodbye, PA...

The Lawyer

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 18:39:00 +0000

Now that I've been single for almost 6 months, I have finally been feeling ready to date again. By "date again" I really mean "start dating for the first time in my life" as I have, up until now, gone from relationship to relationship. My ex is still majorly in the picture, we speak pretty much daily. That's a whole different blog post. For now, I'm just going to write about my dating escapades - the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe blogging will contribute to my growth as well as helping me deal with this brand new world I am wading through. So I joined OKCupid.com, and decided to be open to meeting new people, dating, and trying out new things. The Lawyer is the first of my online dates...

The Laywer lives in Santa Barbara. Kinda far. Wasn't crazy about his pictures, he was the kind of guy that wears t-shirts too big for him, boardshorts with socks and shoes. yikes. But we had a lot of things in common, both from half-jewish families, both had major weight loss recently, both had a tough break up that led us to seek out therapy. Had a "phone date" which was nice, but there was something about his voice that I couldn't quite put my finger on. We met at a wine shop in Calabasas. How he convinced me to drive so far to meet in the middle, I will never know (oh, that's right, he just asked me to... such a pushover!). We had great conversation, he is sarcastic but sweet. The entire time, I was thinking that he reminds me of someone, but I couldn't place it... then I did. He reminds me of my neighbor across the street at my mom's house, as in they could be brothers and I would believe it. That is NOT a good thing. We walked, talked, and he finally kissed me. Unimpressed. Not that it was a bad kiss, it just didn't do anything for me. We went to dinner, talked more, and kissed goodbye. Again, nothing. But, I thought, I really enjoy his company, so maybe it was just a "first date" kind of thing, nerves or whatever. I'd give it a second shot.

Second shot was a picnic in the park in Calabasas. This guy is GOOD when it comes to creative dates, I definitely give him credit for that. But not so good with the clothing choices, he was wearing a red camoflauge t-shirt, jeans and sandels. Yikes. We talked, flirted, joked... again, just really had fun with him... then came another kiss. Nothing. Felt terrible, but more so just really wanted the kiss to end. Sent an email telling him I didn't feel the "spark."

Goodbye, Lawyer...

Snuggie: I loved to hate it, and now hate to love it

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 23:09:00 +0000

I bought a purple Snuggie last month. There, I admitted it.

When Snuggies started invading my info-merical space, I rolled my eyes with the rest of America. And this, from a person that wants every "As Seen On TV" item available, even the ones I have literally no use for (why would I need a Garden Weasel's Gardening Claw with no yard, no garden and absolutely no intention of growing anything??) But Snuggies have taken over the US, with a WORLD RECORD set by Anaheim Angel fans that beat out the record previously set by Clevland Cavaliers. Really? The first record set is ridiculous, now this is something to be beaten??

Let's look at the facts about Snuggies. A Snuggie is a blanket. With arms. That's it. Couldn't we just use, say, a blanket? What is it about the Snuggie that makes it so tantalizing? The commercial has someone acting "trapped" in her blanket while trying to get the remote control. I guess I can commend them on making blankets look like suffocating, devlish monsters...

Help! This blanket is trying to KILL me!

Who is there to save the day? Why, none other than SNUGGIE, the blanket... with arms! Now we've got snuggies for dogs

Snuggies for babies (this one is slightly frightening, please us caution)

Anyone else thinking about the Alien Chestburster right now?

Annnnd... Snuggies for... Monsters?

So why did I buy one? Well, a recent visit to Target found me face to face with a Snuggie in my favorite color. How could I not? I am not afraid to admit that when I got my Snuggie home, sat on my bed, put it on and read, I found how nice it was to be completely covered while holding my book on my lap. Snuggie had turned me. I love my Snuggie!!

Another Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Wed, 12 May 2010 22:22:00 +0000

I turned 28 last week. I went into this birthday wanting nothing to do with it. I felt exhausted and generally frustrated and angry with the world and my life. I made birthday party plans begrudgingly, and when people got excited for me, all I could muster was a shoulder shrug and a "meh."

What had happened to me? I was a certifiable birthday whore... telling everyone I met (or those that came within earshot of me), getting excited like a 5-year old about my "big day," asking everyone what they were going to get me (even if I knew they would never buy me a present, and on and on. But this year I felt different. I think it started at last year's birthday (see "Birthday Blues") and just kept going at that not-so-great-but-kinda-mediocre pace.

Anyway, on with the story. I get to work after a REALLY hard bootcamp, and found that my boss had done up my desk:

Pretty gorgeous, right? Well, that was just the beginning. I had so many facebook "happy birthday" messages, I literally welled up. I was so inherently thankful for social networking at that moment because it had brought me this overflow of love. I tried to start thanking each person individually, but it got to be so many people that I couldn't keep up with it all day.

I was finally feeling like the old me. After showering off the bootcamp sweat and dawning a pretty birthday dress and doing my hair and makeup (a rarity for me at work), I was feeling like a kid again.

The End of Something I Half-Hoped Would Go On Forever

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 20:28:00 +0000

"Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world."
— Pema Chödrön (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times)

I find myself constantly thinking about the realities that I am hoping for. I am hoping he will change and make things better for us. I am hoping that I will save up that money, that I will lose that weight, that I will pay off those student loans - essentially that I will be something better and more shiny once I get somewhere. Where that place is, I don't know. What am I really doing with all of this hope? I feel like I'm living in a world that does not exist, and ignoring my reality. I am always working for that thing, that hope.

I feel clueless and helpless. How do I find my here and now? How do I just relax in it?

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:34:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder if the thing I have spent so much time convincing myself was right for me, was really just that... something I convinced myself was right.

I feel like Charlie Brown today. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!

Birthday Blues?

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:58:00 +0000

Today is my birthday. I'm 27. That never seemed that old to me, but I get this gut-wrenching feeling every time I see another friend from high school put up a photo of their new, perfectly pregnant self. I think that I can barely handle my bank account, let alone be in charge of another human's life. Not that it would even be an option for me right now, but it seems to make sense, and seeing them so filled with life just because they made a baby, makes me wonder if I'm left out of some sort of biological, earthly secret to happiness.

So here I am, 27, and though I am generally happy with my life (I know I have a lot of good things going for me) I am more physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted and stressed out than I have ever been before. I have this fear of losing control, so I pack it up and hold everything together, because god forbid I stop trying so hard and it all falls apart.

I try to be a reliable friend. I try to be a good daughter. I try to be a caring girlfriend. I try to be a helpful roomate. I try to be a star employee. I try to be in control of my eating. I try to be a workout junkie. I try to be beautiful and pleasant and happy all the time, just in case I will need that protection one day. I'm just trying all over the place, and there just isn't enough room in my head for all the things I need to do. What am I doing it all for? When is all this trying going to end up fulfilling my life the way I promised myself it would?

I guess the one thing I CAN'T say is that I didn't try. Happy Birthday to me.

Le Premier Blogue

noreply@blogger.com (Celine) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:58:00 +0000

So this is blogger, eh? hmmm... it's nice here. Not too bad. Maybe I'll stay for a bit.

Livejournal.com didn't last too long for me, but I am hoping that writing-so-that-anyone-on-the-world-wide-web-can-see will spark my interest back to things of a more artistic and spiritual nature. I miss that world...