THESE BASTARDS

You will be tested by Palin supporters

noreply@blogger.com (Sean) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 13:06:00 +0000

New Left Media recently interviewed a handful of Palin supporters at a book signing in Columbus, Ohio. Go ahead and see how much of this video you can tolerate. I made it through about two minutes. Even after a couple of drinks, these people have all the appeal of a festering scrotal wound.

First reader to make it all the way through gets a special prize from Matthew.

Happy Gluttony and Genocide Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Sean) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:39:00 +0000

From an old friend:

Brand marketing

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:31:00 +0000

Like heroin and love Twilight? Actually, strike that. If you are into heroin I'm pretty sure you fall into the 'love' category. Starting again: Love heroin and Twilight? Now you don't have to crudely mash them together, drug dealers have done all the work for you. Yes, if you're in the West Hempstead, long Island area, you too can buy Twilight branded heroin.

So far, only Robert Pattinson appears on the baggies, so those of you who like to shoot smack and are on Team Jacob are just plum out of luck.

I think it's nice that we've found something Twilight related that's more disturbing than, say, a felt womb or a sparkly vampire dildo.

Or is it? I'm going to need a ruling.

New Gitmo

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:47:00 +0000

Robert Greenwald of Brave New Films has anew series out called Rethink Afghanistan, about how we should...well...it should be obvious from the title. This part is about how it's really meaningless to make a big deal about closing Gitmo, when you still have its bigger equivalent up and running in Bagram.

I'm sure it does wonders for our "hearts and minds" campaign in Afghanistan. But hey, don't worry that detainee policy was turned over to political advisers, that White House counsel Greg Craig left over his belief that President Obama should actually abide by his campaign promises, or that the Pentagon's top official on detainees, Phil Carter, who was a fierce advocate for civil liberties and opposition to Bush detainee and detention policies, resigned over his belief that President Obama should actually abide by his campaign promises,we're closing Gitmo! Just not on the January 22nd deadline the Administration said it would....if at all. But hey, at least that asshole Bush isn't running things anymore. Am I right?

Quote of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:17:00 +0000

Former Bush press secretary Dana Perino, who actually might have been the most vapid of all the Bush press secretaries (but not the sexiest *winks* *whistles* I'm talkin' 'bout you McClellan. Strut that sexy ass), engaging in a titanic battle of wits about those nasty liberals and how they don't use the phrase "war on terror" on Sean Hannity's comedy program.

PERINO: They want to do all of their investigations. I don’t know. All of the thinking that goes into it. But we did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term. I hope they’re not looking at this politically. I do think we owe it to the American people to call it what it is.

Damn straight! I mean, other than those anthrax attacks and that tiny little incident in New York, Washington, and Shanksville, she's exactly right. But honestly, can't we just blame those on Bill Clinton and the concept of liberalism? I think we can. By the way, nice job of correcting her, Hannity.

You know, I really hope that this was the beginning of some new right wing meme. Who was President when 9/11 occurred, like global warming, evolution, or most of scientific and economic theory, is just an opinion held by some some liberal historians. There is actual debate among the larger historical community as to who was in charge when 9/11 happened. Dana and Sean are just trying to teach the controversy.

Otherwise this would just be a sad example of two nitwits getting so intellectually overexerted while declaring that liberals are mortally afraid of using the term "war on terror", that they just made an egregious factual gaffe. C'mon, that's so Bush-era. We're in the Age of Obama: everything is a socialist conspiracy and nothing is the truth. Take a page from Mr. Beck and start flogging this "no terrorist attacks happened under Bush" meme to it's fullest extent. For America's sake.

On the plus side: at least she was able to find a decent job after she left the Bush Administration.

Picture of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:01:00 +0000

From the Hubble comes this look at our newest celestial doomsday fear: random sun explosion. See, 2012 and Knowing were right: the sun will kill us all. The star, sexily named V838 Monocerotis, out of the blue one day decided to grow 600,000 times brighter and balloon to 1,000 times its diameter over a period of a few weeks. Scientists are sure it isn't a nova or supernova, but a previously unknown of example of a star "going rogue." Yes, that is the exact term they used. The star went all Sarah Palin on that solar system's ass, killing a literally incalculable number of Bothans.

The star is also now emitting x-rays, something it shouldn't be doing, leading scientists to surmise that this might all have been the result of THREE SUNS SMASHING INTO EACH OTHER! As cool as that sounds, it is only a hypothesis and the resulting expansion was probably the Random Sun Explosion Syndrome that I just invented two minutes ago.

So, you know, just in case you didn't have anything else to worry about, you know have to worry about the sun randomly expanding out into Saturn's orbit, evaporating our oceans, setting our forests ablaze, and melting asphalt before finally destroying Earth. So...you know.........happy Thanksgiving!

Good news everyone!

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:36:00 +0000

The sadness monsters at the Fed have announced they're back again, hiding in your closet, waiting to spring out at the moment you're most vulnerable to scare you witless with some new grim economic prognostication. Take their actions today, the day before Thanksgiving. You know that awkward conversation you can't wait to have with the in-laws? You know, the one about how you haven't found a job and how tough the prospects are. Well....they're pretty sure you'll be having that conversation until at least 2012.

The unemployment rate will remain elevated for years to come, according to a forecast released Tuesday by the Federal Reserve that addresses for the first time economic conditions at the time of the next presidential election.

It paints a grim picture. Top Fed officials expect the unemployment rate to remain in the 6.8 to 7.5 percent range at the end of 2012 and said it could take "about five or six years" from now for economic activity to return to normal. The jobless rate was 10.2 percent in October.

But on the bright side: the stock market is over 10,000! Plus, GDP grew 3.5%! OK, they had to revise that down to 2.8%, but that's still growth! Why do you have to ruin all this good news with whining about how bad it is for you out there? Just go pick up your free charity turkey and shut up about not having a job. What's that? Demand for turkey's from charities is so high because of the recession that they're actually running out of them? *tugs at collar nervously* Ouch, tough room.

On the bright side, the job forecasts are so bad that even Democrats have taken notice, vowing action on a jobs bill...at some point. So hey, if they hurry on that, you can have something else to be immensely disappointed by for Christmas or New Years. Though, judging by the speed at which Congress acts, it'll be ready in time for St. Patty's. Luckily, by then no one will take your drinking problem for anything other than Irish holiday pride. See, the good news is piling up already!

Climate witchcraft

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:54:00 +0000

I guess the big news today is that President Obama is going to the Copenhagen climate conference next month. And why not? I'm sure it'll be a grand old time discussing substantive ways to cut pollution, emissions, and investment in green technologies. Sure, once someone turns to him during the talks and says "So...you can get this passed through Congress...right?", he'll have to fake a seizure to avoid telling some poor leader that the only thing he could get through the Senate is a bill encouraging people to eat more coal. Perhaps he can get a bill through the reconciliation process that calls for 28% of the populace to be beaten with a scientific journal. Why? America got dumber again.

The percentage of Americans who believe global warming is happening has dipped from 80 to 72 percent in the past year, according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll, even as a majority still support a national cap on greenhouse gas emissions.

The poll's findings -- which also show that 55 percent of respondents think the United States should curb its carbon output even if major developing nations such as China and India do less -- suggest increasing political polarization around the issue, just as the Obama administration and congressional Democrats are intensifying efforts to pass climate legislation and broker an international global warming pact.

The increase in climate skepticism is driven largely by a shift within the GOP. Since its peak 3 1/2 years ago, belief that climate change is happening is down sharply among Republicans -- 76 to 54 percent

A hearty round of applause for the energy industry, folks! It takes a lot of lying, money, lying, money, and lying to drive down those numbers. Real shocker about those GOP numbers. Actually, those Republican support numbers are about the same as the ones for people who believe that ACORN stole the election for Obama. I guess climate change sounds like too much of a conspiracy theory for some, just enough of a conspiracy theory for others. But, who am I to argue with the arguments put forward by Republican voters in the article? I mean they range all the way from "Al Gore is fat" to "I don't think the science says what the scientists say it says." Eat that, U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change!

On the bright side, by a margin of 53-42, Americans support cap-and-trade legislation. Hell, just look what popularity did for the health care reform bill. See...wait, why are you crying? It's the holidays, cheer up!

Let's see: a good idea that substantively reduces our carbon footprint and emissions, is popular with scientists and large swaths of Democratic legislators, and is also popular with the American people. Sounds like something that can't ever be allowed to pass. Coal state Democrats, you start joining with Republicans while the Blue Dogs and other "moderates" can start larding up the bill with a few billion down the money hole for clean coal and corn ethanol. After a few weeks we can knock cap-and-trade out of the bill and everything will be up to the legislative standards of the United States Congress. Get to work boys, that thing isn't going to fuck itself up.

Video of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:26:00 +0000

Finally, last night the "Tomlin is Epps" meme broke out from it's shackles on the internet and burst itself onto national TV. Now if only someone can confront Tomlin about his doppelganger, we can have closure.

Makers of House? That's what we call a splash play. Well done.

Buy things!

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:21:00 +0000

Warren Ellis' newest t-shirty offering. Health care, scrotal death, and a House reference? I'm sold. Shame about that whole "sense of pride at living in a sane country" thing. Ah well, maybe we'll get a better healt care bill in the fut...ahhh fuck it, I can't even bring myself to type it.

I'll just take solace in the fact that there are so many other things that degrade feelings of pride in this country that it's hard for "lack of universal health care" to jump out of the pack.

Quote of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:51:00 +0000

Ex-TV host and current xenophobe Lou Dobbs is currently mulling a White House bid. But, thanks to those assholes in Washington and their precious 15th Amendment and 1965 Voting Rights act, Mexicans and other various Latin races are able to vote in Presidential elections. Lou, being the smart and educated man he is, realizes that this, as well as all the other groups he's pissed off, might cause problems for his completely irrational and borderline delusional dreams of being President. So he's gonna get pro-active.

DOBBS: And for the first time, I’m actually listening to some people about politics. I don’t think I’ve got the nature for it, but we’ve got to do something in this country, and I think that being public arena means you’ve got to part of the solution. By the way, I’m reaching out right now to Latino groups, to the Chamber of Commerce, the Business Roundtable — all of the groups with whom I’ve been in an ongoing debate, to try to bridge some of these conflicts and try to create solutions. And I think we’re well on our way to doing that.

"Ongoing debate". Well that's certainly an interesting way to put it. When you were out accusing Mexicans of bringing leprosy and the plague into the US in between your fantastical rants about armies of Latin criminals invading the US to reconquer it, I'm not sure those "Latin groups" thought you were engaging in an ongoing debate. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the source of all your "conflicts" with them and the "solution" is probably somewhere in the realm of "stop being a virulent racist."

But good luck in your ongoing quest to get Mexicans to like you so they'll vote for you. I'm sure they'll ask you to stop talking absolute shit about Latin immigrants, you'll counter with an agreement to make eye contact with your gardener, and in no time you'll have patched things up and be well on your way to getting 0% of the Latin vote. Dobbs 2012!

Chart of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:37:00 +0000

From the New York Times article 'New Consensus Sees Stimulus Package as Worthy Step' shows us the horrifying alternate reality that would have existed had our elected betters not gotten together to pass the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act.

That chart's all good and well, but can we have one that charts out what things might have been like if the original bill didn't get fucked over by the Senate? Or, better yet, what things would have been like if economic advisers in the Obama Administration like Dr. Christina Romer would have done if they didn't have to craft a plan that fully took into account all the intellectual shortcomings of the Senate. Sure, the job markets are terrible and not looking like they're going to shape up anytime soon, but hey, things could have been worse.

Coincidentally, in another chart from the NYT, "Things could be worse" was the thing Americans most commonly said whilst laying in the fetal position on the floor, weeping over the economy.

Picture of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:26:00 +0000

From the Big Picture blog's post on entries for the 2009 National Geographic International Photography Contest, comes this look at a scene from the Arirang Mass Games in North Korea. Click to embiggen.

The photo was taken by Peoples Security Picture Robot of Watching #46JGH1138 and is entitled "Insolent man from Green Sector who is about to be liquefied by Glorious Leader in 5...4...3...2..."

Science cashes in

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:58:00 +0000

I'll be the first to admit that this whole "financial apocalypse" thing hasn't been a big bouquet of roses. Further disappointing matters is the fact that we're stuck in this annoying middle ground where we aren't recovering and we aren't devolving into a hobo ruled, agrarian barter economy. But there are some positives. Just think of all the assholes in finance that were bankrupted and now work at the local Pizza Hut. Plus, the stimulus resulted in billions being invested in science! And not "abstinence education" and "handing out bibles in lieu of science textbooks" science funding. Actual science funding.

More than $20 billion in stimulus money has poured into the nation’s universities, according to a new collection of data gathered by a trio of research consortia.
...
“This is the largest investment in science and research probably since Sputnik,” said Bill Andresen, a vice president at the University of Pennsylvania in charge of Federal affairs and president of The Science Coalition. “We think it’s really important to tell this story in a thoughtful, useful way so that the public and policymakers can understand how it’s being spent.”
...
The information is posted to a new website, ScienceWorksforUS.org, which was unveiled today at a press conference in Washington, D.C. Wired Science assembled the state-by-state data into a Google document that includes the total number of grants and money.

And if you visit ScienceWorksforUS you'll find all the various things that money was spent on. Like my home state, Pennsylvania, got 773 grants totaling $390,109,039. The rotten bastards at Carnegie-Mellon who spawned Sean got money to develop tools to monitor the power grid, while the benevolent masters at Pitt that spawned myself were given money to do medical research and buy up the last two remaining building in Oakland that they don't own. Meanwhile Penn got science stimulus money to.....build a website...devoted to tracking....science stimulus money. Well, they can't all be winners. Most importantly the Science Department at WVU received a grant too, so we might finally have a cure for moonshine related blindness in Appalachia within our lifetimes.

Now I know what you're saying, "Isn't all of this money better spent on the desert fortresses and cool looking armoured cars that those of us who survive the next economic Ragnarok will need to wage our post-apocalyptic battles with?" Yes, yes it is. After society finally collapses, fire and gunpowder will be our only science. But this does give people that veneer of hope that everything will be better and that a bright, shiny future of science and knowledge is on the horizon. Why key everyone else in to the fact that the future is just going to be hardship, murdering others for tins of beans, and Garret Dillahunt trying to eat your offspring? No, it's better this way.

This makes too much sense

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:08:00 +0000

Another day, another person who just doesn't understand that military spending doesn't count because war is free. This time the uneducated sap is Rep. David Obey (D-WI), chairman of the House Appropriations Committee. He thinks, get this, that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are costing us too much money. So much so that when the President announces his Afghanistan troop increase, he's going to suggest and try to make it so that the cost of that escalation is bidget neutral and doesn't add to the deficit. Ha! Deficit neutrality is only reserved for things that might help the American peasant class, Dave. This is about blowing up brown people what good, so not only is it free, but you make the baby Jesus cry if you vote against it or impede it in any way. Seriously, a war tax?

"There ain't going to be no money for nothing if we pour it all into Afghanistan," House Appropriations Chairman David Obey told ABC News. "If they ask for an increased troop commitment in Afghanistan, I am going to ask them to pay for it."

Comparing Afghanistan to Vietnam, Obey said that both were long-standing civil wars and that, in each case, the United States found itself with an unreliable partner on the ground.

"On the merits, I think it is a mistake to deepen our involvement," Obey said. "But if we are going to do that, then at least we ought to pay for it. Because if we don't, if we don't pay for it, the cost of the Afghan war will wipe out every initiative we have to rebuild our own economy."

"If we have to pay for the healthcare bill, we should pay for the war as well," Obey said, "by having a war surtax."

Taxing our elite to raise billions to pay for a war? My good man, the only word for that is class warfare. Sure it makes good sense, is deficit neutral, and forcing government to pay for our military shenanigans by taking it out of all of our pocketbooks with a big bolded line on our paycheck that says "WAR TAX!" would actually force this country to pay attention to things politicians do in their name, but these are also the reasons it will never pass. Instead it will be relegated to the "too good an idea to ever be made into a law" pile with single payer health care, comprehensive financial sector regulation, and a "No Texans" policy in government.

So, nice try Mr. Obey, you came up with a good idea that makes a lot of sense and seems to have some support. Unfortunately it makes a little too much sense, as well as forcing hundreds of members of Congress to confront their absolutely hypocritical double standard on deficits and spending. So sadly the halls of Government will echo with people laughing at you and calling your idea "gay". But it was a nice try, Dave, it was a nice try.

Big ass check

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 14:45:00 +0000

From the Too Big To Fail blog and book of Andrew Ross Sorkin, comes our look at perhaps the largest check ever written. The check, written by Mitsubishi UFJ to Morgan Stanley, only exists because Morgan Stanley needed the money bad, baby. Because they needed to score a fix on the weekend, electronic transfers weren't possible and a check had to be printed up and handed out.

Meh, for a $9 billion dollar check it's kind of boring. It should at least have been one of those giant checks, maybe had the phrase "You could be a winner too" on it, and should have been handed out by Ed McMahon's Japanese equivalent. Hopefully for the next financial collapse/free money hand out they'll have all the showmanship kinks worked out and we can at least get some entertainment for our billions.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.23

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:41:00 +0000

The Fall of Greg Craig
I try not to get too mad at the Obama Administration, I do. I mean there's only so much they can do when ramming their head up against the unending juvenile idiocy of the world's greatest deliberative body. But then again...there's all that war on terror stuff they do that riles the bile back up. Take the case of White House counsel Greg Craig. Or should I say former White House counsel Greg Craig. Why is he a "former" and not a "current" because he made the dumb ass mistake of trying to do his job according to the principles Barry ran on; like not being so fucking secretive. But what sounds good when you're running doesn't sound as good when you have the power, plus it clashed with what Rahm Emanuel preferred. So now we do basically all the same shit the Bush Administration did and Craig has the word "former" attached to his job title. Isn't life grand?

Future Perfect
Newsweek's article on Iran and how the clerical establishment is sick of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and is unlikely to ever appoint a Supreme Leader again. Boy, you make a guy the religious dictatorial authority of an entire country and then he just goes and abuses it by acting like a religious dictator. Who would have ever thought that would happen? I'm sure their new system of being ruled by a group of religious dictator assholes with designs on being the sole asshole in charge will work out much better.

Best of What's New 2009: The Year's 100 Greatest Innovations
Popular Science bring us it's list of the year's 100 greatest inventions. From bombproof wallpaper, to giant ass plasma TV's, privately built and launched rockets, and electromagnetic depression helmets, it's a cornucopia of altruistic items from benevolent scientists. *sighs* When is someone going to invent a death ray or giant robot with crushing gripper claws? Another year another disappointing showing from our mad scientist community. For shame.

Conservative media frequently accuse progressives of "raping" Americans
If there's one thing that right wing commentators love more than telling their audiences that some law some Democrats wants is going to kill them, its telling them that some law some Democrat ones is going to kick in their door and rape the shit out of them. Media Matters took it upon themselves to catalog just a few of the rape references that the Beck and Limbaugh's of the world (actually it's really just those two doing it) like to dredge up when the vile spectre of cheaper health care rears it's head. Oddly enough, want to know what one of the things that isn't like rape to them? Actual rape. Classy as always, gentlemen.

Should We Laugh? Cry? Both?
Jon Cohn of the New Republic offers up one of the many treatises you'll read in he upcoming weeks about how even though the entire process has been and will continue to be infuriating, there's still a lot of good that will come of the bill and it isn't all bad. I'm not convinced. I think I prefer the arguments of my good friend the honorable Jack Daniels: drink more happy juice, forget sadness, sleep. Ahh Jack, you always do put things in perspective.

Broken In Brief: America joins Heifer International catalog

noreply@blogger.com (Sean) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:41:00 +0000

LITTLE ROCK—Today it was announced that the United States had been added to the list of countries available for aid through the organization Heifer International, which for 56 years has endeavored to provide livestock to destitute citizens of countries with dilapidated economies and crippled infrastructure.

The move, though not all that surprising in retrospect, did take some by surprise, as Heifer Intl. has, since its inception, shipped animals mainly to South American, African and Asian nations.

“For decades now, we’ve been alleviating white guilt by shipping llamas and pigs to all corners of the globe,” said Roger Eberhardt, the program’s American director. “Frankly, this decision was made outside of my purview.”

In expressing his dismay, Eberhardt noted that the group’s longstanding tradition of promoting sustainable farming had already led to death threats from agribusiness conglomerates who felt threatened by the possibility that two or three non-corn producing farms might be encouraged to exist.

In an official statement, the agency’s executive director Salma Juarez claimed she understands that this move will come as a shock, but encouraged people to look at the positive side.

“Just think of all the good a cow could do in Detroit, or a dozen chickens in Cleveland,” urged Juarez. “Who are we to exclude Americans from receiving the same type of aid that other third-world nations have enjoyed for years?”

“Sadly this will mean the end of all the ‘heifer’/fat American jokes that we make around here,” she observed, citing one of the main negatives of expanding relief operations into the US. “But I think that just shows our commitment to the third world inhabitants of this tragically failed state.”

Money, money, money, money......mon-ey

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:40:00 +0000

Today the LA Times decided to move beyond the mere "will they or won't they" Ross and Rachel aspect of the decision to escalate in Afghanistan to the tune of 40k soldiers (hint: they will) and get down to the nitty gritty of how much it will cost. Because the LAT is apparently under the assumption that war isn't free and military spending doesn't count as spending. Rookies.

But the great thing about American politics and war is the fact that there are passionate debates about these issues by or elected betters. Like the debate between those who think endless war is free and those who only think it's mostly free, but could be persuaded if someone would start building Humvees in their district. Or the debate that's going on between the White House and Pentagon now: not over whether to escalate, no...God no, I meant over the various ways to bullshit Americans and not get them so mad when you up the ante in Afghanistan.

The calculations so far have produced a sweeping range. The Pentagon publicly estimates it will cost $500,000 a year for every additional service member sent to the war zone. Obama's budget experts size it up at twice that much.

In coming up with such numbers, the White House and the military have different priorities as well as different methods.

The president's advisors don't want to underestimate the cost and then lose the public's faith. The Pentagon worries about sticker shock as commanders push for an increase of as many as 40,000 troops.

Hey, "president's advisors"? Public's faith: lost. So, giving us an accurate tab up front isn't the courtesy you think it is, especially when we wouldn't be able to say "no" if we thought it was too high. But it is glad to know that our military betters feel that the public needs to be lied to in order to get them to support this escalation. They're right, of course, but I think going so far as to estimate the cost of new weapons, bases, and support equipment for these new soldiers as costing somewhere in the neighborhood of $0 was a nice touch.

So get ready, war escalation is a comin'. I'm just happy to know we didn't learn anything over the past decade about pesky little things like "whether the mission is worth it" or "is this a good idea". Thankfully we learned that the important debate is over the marketing and salesmanship of the war. It's just a shame bullshit like this doesn't have to through Senate subcommittees and pass a 60 vote filibuster threshold. Then it could be stop....ah, who the hell am I kidding, it would pass rather easily.

Pictures of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:12:00 +0000

In honor of the Large Hadron Collider successfully restarting CERN's plans to collapse the world into a singularity unless they are paid vasts sums of money, the Big Picture blog put up some photos of the LHC and the seemingly successful attempts that were made to fix it after there was a particle jam in one of the magnets. Luckily they got it all sorted out and avoided and even closer scrape with a dangerous piece of bread that almost threatened to derail the whole project again. Seriously.

Click to embiggen

Video of the day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:57:00 +0000

One of the workers of the Burj Dubai in....Dubai, decided to give you a glimpse of the world's tallest structure in the best way he knew how: by climbing to the top of the spire and dangling a camera over the edge.

"The tower wobbles, dreadfully, so if my hand is shaking, it's not just me." Well, then next time bring up a HD camera with some stability control, asshole. I barely got vertigo or a crippling awareness of my fear of heights from watching that.

The Burj is slated to be finished early next year. Unclear is when Glenn Beck and Joe the Plumber plan to fly a 747 into it. I guessing in early September.

Quote of the Day

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:15:00 +0000

One of the great things about Sarah Palin is not so much her media appearances, but the way she effects other Republicans' media appearances. Like when GOP lawmakers and pundits have to spend half their interview time trying to justify her existence as an important member of their party. Good times.

Because the media is cruel, one of the questions that invariably comes up is the old "Is Sarah Palin qualified to be President" question comes up. The actual answer is "no, of course not", but no one in the GOP can bring themselves to say this. So after their eyes nearly bug out of their head when the question is asked, they then, through gritted teeth, declare "yes, yes she is" before moving on. You can actually see their minds recoil in horror as they say it.

But gritting his teeth and telling an absurd lie is just something that Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS) just couldn't do. So he got literal up in this bitch.

In an appearance on Hardball yesterday, Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MI) was asked if Sarah Palin is qualified to be President in 2012. Barbour responded "Well, constitutionally, she sure is."

Barbour continued: "I don't know anything that disqualifies her from being president."

I concur. Palin not only is a natural born citizen (...or is she? SOMEONE CHECK HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE!), but she is 35 and has probably resided in this country for at least 14 of those years. Yup, those are the legal qualifications to be President. Well argued, Haley. You didn't have to make the baby Jesus cry by telling a lie. Just remember if someone tries to follow up with a "no, I meant ethically, morally, and intellectually" to fake a seizure. Those sons of bitches can never make you give a real answer.

One step closer to awful compromise

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:32:00 +0000

It's Monday, and if I'm not mistaken, I do recall the Democrats in the Senate voting to officially start the debate of the debate of the debate of the debate over whether to start the debate over health care. By which I mean "debate". Everyone already knows pretty much how everyone is going to vote and there will be very little deliberation in the "world's greatest deliberative body". 40 Republicans will vote against it, 56 Democrats for it, and a collection of 4 Democrats will try to make the bill dumber, less effective, cover less people, and reduce costs less in a bid for relevance and TV time. Yes, because we couldn't even get through a bullshit procedural vote without Democrats rushing towards the mics to announce all the ways they'd kill the bill if they didn't get their terrible, shortsighted way.

There was Mary Landrieu ("D"-LA), telling people that the public option had to be "triggered" -likely in a way that means it'll never be triggered- or she wouldn't vote to over come a filibuster. Ben Nelson ("D"-NE) was out on the Sunday talk show circuit talking about filibustering if the bill had a public option, didn't get all Stupak-y with women's uteri, and get better on costs controls, which, if his past action on the stimulus are any indication, means cutting actual cost control measures. Blanche Lincoln ("D"-AK) said the same on the public option, and Joe Lieberman (Lieberman-CT) popped his head up to remind everyone he's still a rotten douche. They all took care to mention that the public option doesn't have the support of the Senate. But, as we've learned, when 56 Senators support something that means that something doesn't have support.

Of course Bernie Sanders (Socialist~!-VT) and Roland Burris ($50 or best offer-IL) tried to point out that they'll block passage of a bill without a public option, but they were laughed out of the room because they were advocating for a liberal position and will be expected to cave without getting anything.

So there we are: "debate" has started. Soon the last remaining gasps of life the bill has will be compromised out by the same cast of characters you wish would die in a plane crash. Then after the reform bill passes without a public option and featuring a requirement that makes all women get a signed permission slip from Ben Nelson before taking an aspirin, it moves to the conference committee where we'll all pretend that he bill might get better...and it won't. Then the bill will be signed amid claims of "history" and "no, really, this is a good bill", as people try to subsume their rage as yet another opportunity to fix a large problem was squandered by our elected betters. In other words: the way it was pretty much expected to go at the start of the whole process. God bless this great land.

Tea Party: The Movie

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:09:00 +0000

I didn't see Christopher Guest or Eugene Levy anywhere, but it looks right in the vein of Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show. I guess they must be under heavy makeup. Strange there's no punchline.

This is a mockumentary....right?

Broken News: Area man apologizes after his parody of religion becomes church doctrine

noreply@blogger.com (Matthew) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:07:00 +0000

DOVER—Early today, after much soul searching and numerous bouts of laughing to himself, humorist Charlie Warren formally apologized for the series of events that led a satirical take on religion and religious extremism to become the officially sanctioned doctrine of the Catholic Church.

“I would just like to offer my humblest apologies to the, uh, world, the billions of followers of Christianity, the Pope, and, uh, the Baby Jesus,” a slightly perplexed Warren proclaimed to the assembled media and local religious leaders. “I was just having a bit of fun, making a few jokes or two. I didn’t expect it to go this far. I won’t do it again. My bad.”

He then threw his hands up in the air and with a tinge of complete disbelief in his voice, exclaimed “I just thought people would understand it was an obvious joke!”

The parody, in which an alleged Bishop purported to claim that rubbing children in bacon fat and yelling at them in Latin would ward off “ill gay omens” and that the church should partake in the use of a giant catapult while giving confession so that church patrons may “confess their sins closer to God”, was originally published on Warren’s blog.

Despite the ridiculous claims in the piece and the fact that the Bishop referenced in the narrative, Bishop Don Magic Juan, is an O.G. Chicago pimp, several news services picked up and ran the story as if it were real. Soon after, the Catholic League began pushing these theories, public support in churches increased, and at the behest of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Vatican made these two tenets into church doctrine, placing orders for thousands of catapults and thousands of gallons of rendered hog fat.

“C’mon,” Warren shouted. “Wasn’t the joke massively obvious?”

While to most outside observers that answer would be an emphatic yes, the question still remains how such a ludicrous attempt at satire was able to make it into the laws of the Catholic Church.

“Oooh…..I don’t know if I want to say this out loud, it could get me in a lot of trouble,” said a nervous Oliver Palmer, a news editor for Reuters, one of the news services that originally picked up the Warren piece. “How about…religious fundamentalists in this country are so batshit insane nowadays that there is no ceiling to the kind of incomprehensibly deranged activity, belief, or political cause they will engage in. Anything is plausible. Anything!”

Palmer sighed a bit and winced, “I bet I’m going to get such a nasty letters from Bill Donohue and the Catholic League for saying that.”

But far from castigating Palmer and others who share his similar outlook on the state of religion inside America and around the world, the Vatican was sympathetic.

“It’s a fair cop,” observed Bishop Gianluco Scherzo, the head of the Vatican’s Department for Mitigating the Damage Catholicism Does to Itself. “I mean for years we covered up child molestations, we’re in Africa contributing to the spread of AIDS by opposing the use of condoms or making official statements that they don’t work, and in DC we’re about to shut homeless shelters and adoption centers just because we might have to hire a gay, or at least not fire a gay because he is a gay. And that’s just the official actions of the Catholic Church! We’re not even talking about what all the Christian offshoots and fundamentalists think.”

Scherzo shuddered as he thought of it, “American fundamentalists…woof. Give me the creeps. No, this was all too plausible. Though I still think we’re going to keep both changes. Eh, it’s not like they’re all that much crazier than what we actually believe and most of the catapults are already built and paid for.”

For his part, Mr. Warren has seemed to have learned his lesson.

“Not only do I reiterate my pledge to never dip my toes in the fevered swamps of religion so naively again. But if I do make any future attempts at parody or news satire, I assure you I will do so in only the most hamhanded and obvious way possible, replete with loose ciphers for myself speaking overt statements about their views on current religious trends,” Warren said, his hand placed firmly over his heart.

“You know,” he paused. “Like a hack would.”