TheShamen's Lore Blog

Aol Instant Messenger Review (Yes its an acronym within in an acronym...idiots) (1/5)

2010-07-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

If you had a normal preteen and early teen life chances are you recognize this little devil of symbol. Its the logo and acronym for AOL instant messenger, yes AOL decided they should put an acronym within an acronym, yes it's fucking stupid, yes AOL is worthless company. Right about now you may be asking yourself, but James you herculean beast of a man, why are you reviewing a product that by all means sucks, is outdated, and is completely worthless? Well faithful reader it's because AIM has cause me quite a bit of headache recently and this is my way of depriving AOL of moneys. This one is gonna be a quickie (like me and your sister last night) partly because I'm lazy partly because there's not alot to well...review about AIM.

Design:The graphic design of AIM isn't amazing or intuitive, it's there because it's there. AIM does have options to make it look prettier and to "customize" it to your own preferences. But in order to do that it wants you to ~~sell your soul~~ create an online account wherein you must set up preferences download a tool bar, let AOL anally rape you AND give every stalker in America your exact location...all to change your font to a different color.

Functionality: AIM works....barely. In fact my aim for whatever reason wont let me add new friends, I've tried reinstalling, upgrading to new versions, the whole bit, it just wont let me add new friends. AIM starts up when your computer starts up, this not only slows down your startup but it opens up your browser so you can go to your "AIM homepage". The only part of aim that puts it above built in chat like facebook chat is the fact that you can text with it. All you do is put in a number, and send a message. Aside from that helpful little tidbit there really isn't much more AIM offers over other, less intrusive, chat platforms.

Summary: AIM is great if you want to spam text people, but other then that choose skype or facebook chat or meebo or a phone...or like 2 cups with string....all of those things are better then AIM.

For being able to let me spam text my friends I give aim ONE exploding monkey out of FIVE (1/5)

Star Wars: Empire at War (HOLY SHIT A VIDEO GAME REVIEW) (3/5)

2010-07-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

Star Wars, oh how I love thee, if I had to choose between ending world hunger, or Star Wars, I'd pick Star Wars without a second thought. Naturally I had high hopes for a game that literally let you take every Star Wars weapon of war and use it in an actual battle. I must say my hopes were realized.....kinda.

Star Wars: Empire at War is an RTS or Real Time Strategy game. You get to control either the Rebels or the Empire and wage war in Campaign, Galactic Conquest or Skirmish modes. There are two battle types, space or land battles. A multiplayer mode is thrown in but the servers and process to create an account are worse then getting raped by a large metal rod covered in sandpaper. I found the game worth they buy even if it was a little dissapointing.

Graphics: The games graphics aren't bad but they aren't good. You can tell each unit apart without much difficulty and nothing looks super ugly. My main praise for the graphics however is a sort of "cinematic mode". Basically you press it and the game takes you through a bunch of different angles and camera shots to make it feel as if the battle going on is a movie instead of a game. It's a lot of fun to play around with, but it doesn't let you control your forces, so unless you are guaranteed to win I wouldn't recommend turning it on.

Sound: Simply put I love the sound in this game, I love the sound almost as much as ~~Canadians love killing baby seals~~ Japanese love killing whales.Many sound clips are taken directly from the movies so expect all your favorite laser whooshing and lightsaber noises to be included. The music is straight from the movies as well as the voices. I really don't have much more to say except prepare to enjoy listening to what you are about to play. In fact turn it up really loud so ~~I can bang your sister while you are distracted~~ you can enjoy it's full glory.

Gameplay: Here is the thing about the gameplay, for the space battles its a blast, its fast paced, fun, and nothing is more exciting then 4v4 with cruisers, and fighters all zooming about causing havoc and generally tearing shit up. The ground...is...well...it sucks. Like really bad...like a 5 dollar hooker. The ground combat is slow, it takes forever, and attacking against a defending opponent is nigh impossible. The other unfortunate aspect about this game is population limit, especially in space battles, you will max at your allowed units at about 4 Capitol Ships. Which really really really makes the space battles less epic. Notice how I said 4v4 above, that's because 4v4 allows 4 people to fight against 4 people thus introducing many more ships to the playable field. 1v1 is cool to learn the game but it really takes away an epic feel to the battles.

Multiplayer: It sucks don't even bother

Summary: Star Wars: Empire at War is worth the purchase, especially if you are an RTS fan or a Star Wars fan, however some fairly basic flaws keeps the game from becoming a classic, I just wanna mention that there is in fact an expansion, and that expansion takes those simple flaws and makes them really big flaws. So if you want a fun RTS to waste some hours with and sate a Star Wars bloodlust (recommended for those who beat passersby to death with plastic light sabers like I do without my weekly fix) buy this game, in fact here is a link to buy it so you can go do it....like now...RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Rating: THREE dead baby seals out of FIVE (3/5)

I am not my brother

2010-07-10T16:51:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately my brother Patrick has a blog where he...... well..... rants about things. I just want to clear up some confusion, I am NOT copying him, infact all my posts will be reviewing something, whether its a video game, movie, tv show, sex with a certain race, whatever. In fact if you have a request for a review just send it to me, expect my posts to get better as time goes by as I learn how to better use this new fangled blogging system, and now I leave you with this.

Despicable Me and how it made me want to see 3-D (4/5)

2010-07-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

Despicable Me is a clever idea about a villain doing...well....villainy things. It's hard to describe and a lot of description will throw in some spoilers and if I spoil things this guy will come to my house and suffocate me with my own intestines. So instead of spoiling anything I'll just tell you to expect a spy vs spy type feel with a my little pony vibe thrown into it.

Cinematography:Unless you are related to that spoiler hating hobo I showed you, you have probably realized that this movie is a CGI (computer generated imagery for those unable to comprehend basic human thought). As such how does one Cinematograph? (C WUT I DID THAR?) Well simple, in this section I'll bash on the animation. Well that was if I didn't like the animation. Truth be told I loved it, and I only saw it in 2-D because to me, 3-D is like a girlfriend, it steals all your money and never actually satisfies you without leaving you with some horrible lifetime disease (like marriage). Although when I saw this movie, I couldn't stop thinking about how cool it would be in 3-D. So for the first time in my life I am recommending that you see a movie in 3-D. The art style is pleasing to the eyes and everything looks crisp and clear.

Wardrobe:It's animated......idiot.

Plot: The plot didn't exactly hold many surprises but there was an odd feeling I got from it. It felt as if they made 3 different scrips and plot lines for the movie, animated the first 5 pages from all of them, before deciding on the story line they wanted. I don't think many people caught that, but it looked as if the movie was trying to choose between "Spy VS Spy" "Evil Orphanage" and "The person who doesn't wanna have kids has kids". I'm not going to say which one it eventually became but the movie did have an enjoyable ending.

Acting: I actually really liked the voice acting for this, Micheal from the office plays the main character and puts on a fantastic (for the movies purposes) accent throughout the entire film. Miranda Cosgrove (the bitchy know it all from school of rock) annoyed the hell out of me, but I couldn't decide whether or not it was her voice or the script. The rest of the VA team was excellent, especially the minions which oddly enough spoke in a language that even though it was gibberish you understood it.

Directing: I can't really comment on this except to say that this was a very well put together movie with a lot of laugh out loud moments for the old people and the young people. The world and manner in which Despicable Me was put together is easily one that deserves a sequel or a spin off, and I would love to see the same team work on it.

Sound:Pharrel scored the movie...I have no idea who he is but I'm assuming he's black and is a rapper. The music was actually very clever, although there is the despicable me "theme song" that sounds very forced when it made its appearance in the movie. The sound effects are fine but they are meh, I expected more, although props to the movie for using the wilhelm scream.

Summary: Go see Despicable Me, it succeeds in all categories except for music and sound design, infact this movie is my first favorable review (told you, you pessimistic bastards). Its a great date movie and well worth the money to see it in 3-D. I had high hopes going it to the movie and I was not disappointed. I wasn't blown away but I got what I expected. I know many of you are mad that this wasn't that funny of a review, but ehh it was good and I don't know that many funny analogies to give to something that wasn't bad but wasn't revolutionary.

I give it FOUR burning orphans out FIVE (4/5)

The Last Airbender AKA Ahhhvatar (0/5)

2010-07-10T01:16:00.000-07:00

Let me start this off with a disclaimer, just because the first 2 reviews/posts on my newly revamped site are zero's doesn't mean my site is just going to be me hating everything, its just not my fault that world keeps making me hate things.

The Last Airbender, is the live action movie of Avatar:The Last Airbender, the movie name dropped the Avatar most likely because of James Cameron's eyegasm Avatar:The Last Blue People. This is M. Night Shamalayan's (Sp?) first foray (that I care about) into something he didn't completely come up with on his own. Avatar:The Last Airbender is an acclaimed animated show that aired three seasons, or books, on Nickelodeon. The movie had a great source material, a great budget, and supposedly one of Hollywood's best writer/directors. What could go wrong? Well a whole fucking lot. Ever heard the expression the shit hit the fan? TLA (The Last Airbender if you can't understand basic acronyms and if you are reading this you probably can't....idiot) is as if the shit hit one of those fan blades that are on a jet, except it wasn't regular shit, it was like a shit nuclear bomb that's how bad this movie was.

Cinematography: I'm not sure what M Night Shamalamadingdong (Sp?) was going for with the camera direction here, you may say to yourself, but James you handsome adonis how can we blame the ~~dumbass~~ director for the cinematography? Surely it must of been someone else's job. Well no, the director of cinmetography only worked post production...so the fault on the camera operation goes back to the ~~dumbass~~ Director. The Cinematography in this movie was like they took the cameraman, blindfolded him, rehearsed the scenes, then took the blindfold off and did one take. That would also explain the acting but more on that later. As much as I can rant and rave about angles and things of that nature the only way to truly get across how bad this was is to provide examples. First and foremost, there is a scene wherein all dialogue, music and plot advancement stop, the camera zooms in and out of a characters eye, and the movie continues. My entire theater did a big WTF at this, it didn't do it on a cliffhanger it didn't do it on a plot revelation, it just did it, randomly. Another gem is this thing the camera does where it's constantly rotating around...and around....and around...and around. Even if nothings really happening.

Wardrobe: This is the only part of the movie that has some redeeming qualities, but there's a reason this redeeming quality doesn't grant this movie any points, its because while the costumes were good, what happened to them, with them, and the way they were used, was idiotic. The costumes themselves were beautiful and quite amazing, although they lost some of their coolness factor when we saw everyone waddle around in them. It's like that cool haloween costume that looks TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME but ~~cuts of circulation to your genitals~~ is extra snug. It's a wonder the fire nation did any conquering when it looks like their costumes prevent them from moving any faster then a light jog. Last thing that I thought was bizzare about wardrobe is that Aang gets a robe, and starts walking around like a Jedi, hood up everywhere in fact a Jedi is too good for this movie, he walks around like a 5 year old afraid of the outside world and constantly hiding behind his blankey.

Music: I don't get what the music man on this movie did, its like he found one really sad song, and played it.........ALL THE TIME. Even in the parts that were happy, Aang gets new friends? Sad song Katara learns to waterbend? Sad song. Sokka gets kissed? Sad song. It doesn't make a bit of goddamn sense. The score is uninspired, misused, bland, and downright silly, they should have just used the music from the show and they would have gotten better results infact they should just dub the movie with the shows voice actors.

Acting:This has been extremely controversial some blame the kids for the acting being downright whale poo-poo some blame M Nighty Nighty Shamwow (sp?). I personally blame the ~~dumbass~~ director. The level of acting necessary to pull off their respective characters isn't exactly staggering. Especially because all they had to do was carbon copy their roles in the series to gain instant success. The only redeeming quality about the acting was Iroh played by Shaun Toub, I felt like he was the only who had actually watched, enjoyed, or atleast studied the show before making a fucking movie of it. Controversially M Night Shamwoohoo (sp?) decided to change every single pronunciation to make it "sound more like their Asian roots" he then proceeded to cast white actors and wait wah? Yup he changed the tried and true pronunciation of the names to sound more Asian for the character he cast as white people. This brings me back to Shaun, Shaun actually asked the ~~Dumbass~~ why they weren't pronouncing them correctly, M N Shamafuckingstupidname (Sp?) had no idea.

Directing: I've made my opinion perfectly clear, MnM'Shaylan (Sp?) made a movie about a highly successful series with either the intent to kill it, or to prove just how bad of a director he could be. If you are handed a property like Avatar:The Last Airbender its practically a godsend, it already has a plot, an established fanbase, casting, locations, wardrobes, and dialogue all done. All you have to do is condense it into movie form. M Night ShamalamaIeatbabies (sp?) decided to redo all of that...but worse...for no reason....bottom line he did impossible, not make money off of something guaranteed to make money. It's like making harry potter movies that are so bad that people actually stop reading all together and ~~let me steal their money~~ clog our public school system.

Summary: TLA is about as fun as having a route canal while a bear does a jig on your chest. It doesn't feel like the movie knew what fanbase it wanted. It had enough references and scenes stolen straight from the movie to please existing fans. And yet it changed things that could have no other foreseeable outcome except to anger fans. Ahhng or Euro anyone? However at the same time, all these references and time spent on fan service instead of making a comprehensible plot makes the movie confusing, frustrating, and crappy for anyone not familiar with the series.The last thing I want to touch on is the effects, the effects are allegedly good, but lazily done, it feels like if the actors gave the special effects guy 10 seconds of "bending time" (time where they will do tai chi to make it look like they are manipulating elements) he will only use 5. This means that there is 5 seconds of random dancing before anything cool happens. It also makes bending pretty weak, lame, and all around a total failure in the face of like a knife or maybe a large rock. TLA was such a frustrating experience that it's the only midnight showing I have ever been to, where not only was it booed at the end, but the entire theater was constantly shouting at the screen.

For being so bad it made Step up 2 look good I give The Last Airbender ZERO out of FIVE totem poles (I'm a shaman I use fucking totem poles leave me alone read the damn name of the site)

0/5

If you are still interested in the premise I suggest the original series

Why Step Up 2 Sucks (0/5)

2010-07-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

Step Up 2 was an abomination upon film making. A movie filled with one-dimensional characters whose only reason for existence was hip-hop dance exhibition.

Cinematography: The cinematography work is like they were trying to emulate all those cell phone videos of ~~Gangsters~~ Asians dancing on youtube. Now don't get me wrong I love to see ~~Gangsters~~ Asians dancing on youtube, but if I'm watching an honest to God, marketed, released, and distributed movie, you better have some camera angles better then, "Far out shot of steps" Angled shot of mirror in dance hall" I would put more but those are the only shots that weren't simple this person is talking or this person is dancing shots.

Wardrobe:It appears like whoever was in charge of wardrobes decided each person could only wear variations of the clothes they were introduced with, as such the main character goes through 15 different tank tops in movie, non of them covering her cleavage and none of them covering her stomach, its obviously standard "babe wears skanky clothes" but after awhile it just becomes implausibly ridiculous.

Plot: This movie had a plot? Wait no it didn't a plot is generally something engaging that makes the viewer want to stay until the end to see what happens, step up 2 had none of this, in fact what made you keep watching was the dancing. Which is pretty good I will concede that, but if you couldn't care less about what choreographed hip hop dancing looks like if they pretended they are improving it, and you have a job so your not getting all your money from daddy's fat fat wallet you are going to be pretty damn annoyed if not angry that you just paid 12.50 to see something you could have seen for free on youtube.

Music: Step-Up 2 is all about music right? So it makes sense for them to have good music right? Wrong, by picking mostly contemporary pop (from the time) they ensured the movies shelf-life of about 2 months until new pop songs are created. As for the actual editing and cutting of sound it was terrible, songs rough start and stop and each new song follows this silly pattern of having something like a cellphone or radio or something play a crappy quality version then having a master track chime in when the dancing starts.

Acting:This movie doesn't have it

Directing: See Acting

Summary: In short Step up 2 is nothing more then eye candy for adolescent fan girls who get their jollies by staring at the pieces of man meat because they are too ashamed to look at google images for the real stuff. The movie in fact is an overglorfied youtube playlist of dance numbers perpetuated by carefully choreographed groups who are allegedly "free styling in the street". Step up, Step up 2 Stomp the Yard and all of those crap dancing ~~movies~~ playlists are nothing more then bait for wannabee teenagers who don't want to acknowledge that they will never be anywhere near the physical condition required to perform any of those routines. So to those of us smart enough to realize this obvious reality, all we can do is point, laugh, and pray these people quietly exit our planet before our generation takes any responsibility. Lest our next war is decided with a dance off and the winner gets the others country.

I give Step Up 2 ZERO totem poles out of Five 0/5