They Pay Me For This. . .And They Don't Know It

another reason why we hate nickelback

noreply@blogger.com (K. Myers) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 13:50:00 +0000

"The frontman of a popular Canadian rock group had a blood-alcohol level nearly twice the legal limit when he was pulled over two years ago on suspicion of driving drunk, the RCMP claim.

Nickelback's Chad Kroeger allegedly had 140 milligrams of alcohol per 100 millilitres of blood when he was stopped by RCMP in the Vancouver suburb of Surrey. The legal limit is 80 milligrams per 100 millilitres.

The judge's written overview of the circumstances of the case states that Kroeger - whose real name is Chad Turton - was stopped by police after midnight on June 22, 2006, after an officer saw a Lamborghini going "well over 160 kilometres an hour.''

When Kroeger stopped for police, an officer noted he had red, glossy eyes and a red, flushed face. He allegedly handed over his credit card when the officer asked for his driver's license."

The above story is yet another reason why we here at a-cube hate chad kroeger and all things Nickelback. Nevermind the fact that his overall persona makes you nauseous and his music/voice/lack of talent makes you want to rip your ears off everytime you are subjected to it.

I know it's been awhile since I've posted, but I think this is a good way to kick things off again.

Down with Chad Kroeger and Nickelback! I want to live in a world where bad singers aren't able to make awful music, make poor choices regarding their facial hair, and endanger others with their irresponsible drinking and driving habits.

Who's with me?

Sorry, We're BUSY.

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:58:00 +0000

K. Myers mentioned to me a few days ago that we hadn't updated in a few... months... but it happens. I mean, we're sitting at desks, in front of computers, sometimes we forget about... this isn't turning into a good fabrication so... I apologize.

Ahem. WHOLE GRAIN POP TARTS.

I tried some of my roommates and my refined pallet is still up in the air. They tasted a little bit like cardboard, however, I prefered them to Cheese Danish Pop Tarts. It's just too "healthy". If I was going for health, would I really being eating anything with the words "brown sugar cinnamon" stamped on the box? This is largely part of America's problem with figuring out the Next Big Thing, it leads to thing like Diet Bread, bluetooth ear pieces, and Whole Grain Pop Tarts. Yes, I do rank all of these things in the very same catagory.

Still, no luck on finding the Grape ones. This is what it feels like to be an adult.

Apologies and Humor (Doug returns!)

noreply@blogger.com (K. Myers) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 17:52:00 +0000

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my complete and total lack of contribution in the recent months. I suck, I'm sorry. My excuse basically boils down to two reasons. A lack of material (which I recently realized isn't entirely true) to blog about, and moving to and from Florida pretty much consumed me.

The being said, allow me to broach the topic of hidden humor. Yes, hidden humor. There will be days when your cube will seem about as funny as the inside of your coffin. Never fear, there is hidden humor to carry you through the day. I discovered the hidden humor at my work place and it has truly made the grind more bearable.

For me the hidden humor is in my coworkers. I never realized how absolutely close this place is to a three ring circus until i moved back from florida and decided to talk to them more.

THOMAS JEFFERSON: a forty something black male that is the biggest dirtbag in the world. Granted, he is a nice guy - genuine and what not. However I cannot get past the fact that he is involved in at least four serious relationships with women. He lives with one, Kim, and spends his free time at one of the other three homes. He actually has them scheduled and timed so there is virtually no chance of any of them suspecting him of cheating. Two or three nights a week a different woman will come around to bring us food or coffee at work! Sometimes at really ungodly hours and by food i don't mean McD's, i mean hand cooked meals with desserts, usually whole pies or cakes. These women are completely enthralled by Jefferson! It amazes me how well he does it.

BILL: A raging alcoholic. This normally would be something for people to be concerned about but not on the railroad. Bill comes to work buzzed and by 3 or 4am he's tanked! But not sloppy frat boy tanked. No, Bill is fully functional, however he goes from normal to full on jovial in the times of consumption. The friendliest guy you'll ever meet. And he can sing but only when blitzed! Which brings up...

ROME(aka bojangles): Rome is supposed to be on methodone. Sometimes he is and some times...well, he isnt. Again, blatant drug addiction is generally something to bring about concern. Not so much in this case. Besides, when Bill starts to sing, Rome starts to "dance." Now use your imaginations. A singing alcoholic and a dancing crackhead performing in the middle of the night for a bunch of sleep deprived workers. It's really quite a site. Rome dances like a marrionette with loose strings. Classic.

Also, there's the railroad sports that take place semi weekly. Events include: "hammer toss"-a mix of shot put, bowling and horse shoes in which two to three employees line up and throw two 10lb sledge hammers down the platform like a bowling ball. Points are given for distance and proximity to obstacles. Bonus points for sparks and noise.

"Shoe Gnomes"- a cruel game. Basically, there's this guy Arnette that habitually falls asleep with one shoe off. Each night, one person is picked to hide the shoe somewhere in plain view in the building ( which is about the size of a smaller strip mall). The winner is chosen on the last night of the week and determined by how long it took Arnette to find his shoe.

"Cart Stuntin'"-we a have a few shooping carts from area super markets that we simply tie to the back of the buggy and pull around the shop. While someone does "tricks" on the cart they are scored on complexity and over all stupidity.

Soon I'll have some pictures and videos of the railroad sports to post.

One other thing one of my coworkers is extremely into table tennis (ping pong). Apparently thats what he does to stay in shape.

I'll pause so you can take a moment to fully appreciate the concept of ping pong as exercise

Got it?

Good.

Anyway, Big Al says that the table tennis olympic qualifiers are being held in Philadelphia this year! If any of you could find out the date, time, and place that would be great, since i couldn't get that information out of him. I would loooove to see some of the world's best qualify for Olympic dreams! Anyone who wants to come please do so as i think this could be a one in a life time opportunity!

-Doug

Epson Inkjet School of SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:16:00 +0000

By Ryan B.
Guest Contributor

I really don't have time to blog right now, but I'm fired up.

My office recently moved to a larger, more corporatey building. Along with the move came a new cubicle. I got shafted.

Why did I get shafted, you ask? No, it's not because I'm furthest away from the window. It's not because no one sits on either side of me and I'm bored all day. It's not because I sit directly across from a conference room and therefore cannot spend my life on Facebook.

I got shafted because my cube is RIGHT NEXT to the freaking most ANNOYING PRINTER EVER. My cube is literally TOUCHING this printer. And the icing on the cake? I DON'T EVEN HAVE ACCESS TO PRINT TO THIS DAMN PRINTER. THE PRINTER I CAN PRINT ON IS ACROSS THE FREAKING ROOM.

Now, after a few days I got used to the sounds of endless print jobs spewing out of the damn thing. In fact, the sounds are kind of relaxing. It's like when I lived in North Philly and I got used to the traffic noises, sirens, and the sounds of drunken frat boys peeing off of the roof next door at 4 a.m. It helped me fall asleep.

But no, it's not the sound of the printer that ticks me off. It's the fact that the damn thing breaks all the freakin time, and whoever's print job it is assumes that I know what's wrong with the damn thing just because I sit next to it. If I had a freakin penny for every time someone said "Hey Ryan, what's wrong with this printer??" or "Why isn't this working?" or "How do I load paper into tray 2?" I WOULD BE FREAKING RICH. Tray 2??? I CAN'T EVEN PRINT TO THE DAMN THING, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT TRAYS.

Seriously, do I look like a printer technician? Am I a professional mechanic of print technology? Apparently I'm wearing an effing jumpsuit and toolbelt, complete with a wrench and various ink cartridges. Apparently I have a stash of freaking legal paper in my desk, and a framed diploma from the EPSON INKJET SCHOOL OF PRINTING. Apparently I did not go to school for communication or studio art. Apparently I went to freaking trade school or some shit. I went to effing Devry or Kathering Gibbs school, you know those schools you see commercials for during The Price is Right?? Apparently I freaking work at KINKO's!!!!!!

UUUUUGGGGHHHHHH. Ok. Breathe. Wow I feel better.

DAMMIT.

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 14:47:00 +0000

OK, I feel like I should have been reporting on this for the past 8 months or so, but the saga just keeps continuing and my fury is raging this morning.

I HAVE A MOUSE IN MY APARTMENT THAT WON'T DIE.

We've had him I believe since April. At first, Dana and I would be sitting on our couch and then out of the corner of my eye I'd see a fast movement. I'd look to where I thought I saw the blur, and nothing would be there.

"What the hell was that?" I said.
"What?" Dana asked.
"Um, well, I think I saw something," I mumbled, "I don't know. Maybe it was a mouse."

And then we wouldn't see anything for weeks, maybe months. And that's how it went on. Sometimes we'd see a blur out of the corner of our eyes, but we'd never actually see it.

Then one day, we were both in the kitchen and I was rummaging for something in our pantry when I heard Dana scream. I turned around quickly to see that bastard squeeze himself under the refrigerator. DAMN YOU, MOUSE, AND YOUR TINY BONELESS BODY!!! I have a method that I use when I think I have the mouse trapped. I bust out a whole bunch of VHS tapes and try and block him in. This has actually never worked, but it's my default because I always panic and don't know what to do. Anyway, the mouse ended up under our stove and he probably disappeared through a pipe in the wall.

Then one day, I had just gotten up and as soon as I walked out of the bedroom, Dana said she saw the mouse dash into our sun room. I immediately grabbed my VHS tapes. SUCKER. Where the hell is he going now. He's trapped! Or so I thought.

"WHERE THE HELL DID HE GO?" I fumed. "WHERE CAN HE POSSIBLY GO IN OUR SUN ROOM?"

Well, we have 4 radiators in our apartment that look similar to the one pictured (minus the cat, though I wish we had a cat...that's another story). Since mice can pretty much squish their bodies into nothing, he probably hopped into the radiator or dashed under some insignificant hole somewhere. Foiled again.

We've set up more traps, WITH PEANUT BUTTER, and he's still avoiding them. It's like he's taunting us, because now he doesn't just come out at night like a stupid mouse should, being nocturnal and all, but he comes out IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. And I've found out where his little getaway hole is. We have a gap between the floor and the pipe with the knob (see above) which he's slipping in and out of. I know this because I saw the bastard run into it. And that's another thing, he's not even running along walls anymore. I SAW HIM RUN STRAIGHT TO THE HOLE. He knows what he's doing.

Just this morning, I saw him on my stove top. He dashed into the space between the stove top and the dials. ASS. I'm livid. I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring poison into my apartment, but he's leaving me with no other choice. UHG. I wish we had a cat, because that bitch of a mouse would be DEAD like 8 months ago.

Anyone have any suggestions? I've had it.

The List (A Birthday Update)...

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 14:07:00 +0000

In addition to a box of Cinnamon Roll Pop Tarts, I also received a box of Barbie as Island Princess Pop Tarts. Officially, they are "IslandBerry" flavored (but really, they're just an aptly renamed WildBerry). Gosh, what I wouldn't give to be a Princess on whatever island produces Islandberries and stuffs them into PopTarts. Then, I could wear that much makeup and prance around with my hideous pink crown and... Oh, sigh.

* * * * * ranking for the "printed fun" figures on the crust. See below.

ATTENTION: This is huge.

noreply@blogger.com (K. Myers) — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:24:00 +0000

To all you a-cubers - i feel it important to recongize the 24th birthday of the one and only Ashleigh, who, by the way, is now famous thanks to facebook event listings.

A good time was had by all at the Dogfish Head Ale House in VA, on saturday dec 8. Never mind the fact that we had to wait about an hour and a half for a table. Dinner was enjoyed over several rounds of Connect Four, Ashleigh got some kick ass gifts, and she loved every second of it (as did her guests).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEIGH.
you are totes legit.

ps - refer to andrew for a version of ashleigh's bday song, "Pug in the Club." it's soon to be a birthday classic everywhere. totes.

I QUIT.

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 20:54:00 +0000

Yes. That is right. I quit.

I QUIT MY JOB.

Today. I just quit. Quit quit quit. Done and done.

December 14th. After that day, I will never return to this godforsaken office.

Leaving on good terms is a good thing. However, you know that scene from Half Baked? You know the one. What I would give to pull that. Or at least throw my middle finger in the air and express my unquenchable rage that burns with the fury of a million suns. If only I could call out my boss in front of the entire office, or tell the VP to learn how to make his own damn coffee, or to say, "THIS IS THE WORST COMPANY IN THE WORLD, AND IT SHOULD BE BURNT TO THE GROUND!!!!"

But I had a nice conversation with our HR person. It was positive. Still. . .I'M OUT!

EMERGENCY UPDATE

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:55:00 +0000

ATTENTION!!!!!!!

Gmail now has GROUP CHAT available. It's like a chat room, except without all the child molesters and creeps. You can now chat with anyone who is currently a Google chat friend.

That is if you have MOZZILA FIREFOX. Download Firefox already!

I'm never doing work ever again.

Zac Hanson to be a Daddy (This is Not a Prank)

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 20:26:00 +0000

That's right. Zac Hanson joins his brothers in the ranks of Fatherhood. The youngest of the Hanson trio, and his wife Kate, are expecting their first child in May. The newest Baby Hanson will join Ezra, 5, Penelope, 2, River, 1 (middle brother Taylor, 24 and his wife Natalie's children) and Everett, 7 months (eldest brother Isaac, 27, and his wife Nicki's son). ... and they all tour together. Says People Magazine.

And I say:

Anyone who plans on mentioning anything about the Partridge Family or the Osmonds or any other wit- depraved comment centering on large and musically inclined families can just cancel the idea. Again, we, here at Anchored Cubicle support all things Hanson and all things babies. I propose a celebration!

Happy Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:46:00 +0000

Despite our cynicism and lack of Grape Pop-Tarts, we are very, very, thankful in every possible way.

Thanks,

Anchored Cubicle Writers.

The List: A Holiday Update

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 20:11:00 +0000

ATTENTION:

Kellogg's has come out with a limited edition Pop Tart and, of course, I have already eaten half of the 12-pack box I ordered off of E-bay the second I found out about them*.

Gingerbread Pop-Tarts - * * * * *

Yes, ladies and gents, we have a 5-Star-er (?)

* Edit: I would like to thank a good neighbor and friend for, this evening, bringing me a box of Gingerbread Pop-Tarts... that she bought... at the grocery store one mile from my house... that I regularly shop at... for about $8 less than my hasty E-bay purchase.

THE LIST: The Next Step

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 14:12:00 +0000

As many of you may know, Ashleigh embarked on a quest this past May to try and consume every Pop-Tart flavor available to the public. Thus began, The Great Pop-Tart Experiment. As many of you may also know, Kellogg's has discontinued the very LAST Pop-Tart that she needed to try: the very elusive Frosted Grape. Since this has come to our attention, we have been trying our damnedest to get our hands on a box. We have made very little progress. I recently wrote to Kellogg's and, like Ashleigh, got a negative response. Here is the letter:

Mr. ______,

Thank you for contacting us regarding Pop-Tarts® Frosted Grape.

We no longer sell this product. When there is low consumer demand, the business decision is usually made to discontinue its production. We have no current plans to reintroduce this item. We do regret to advise you that once the product is discontinued any product that was last produced is automatically shipped out to be sold to the public. Since we do not have any remaining product, we would be unable to sell any to you.

We appreciate your interest in our products.

Sincerely,

Miriam Cardenas
Consumer Affairs Department

Another dead end. Last night, I posted in the Food forum on Craigslist. I got about 6 responses, and one person said that they would look. We currently have people nationwide starting the search for any remaining shelved boxes of Frosted Grape Pop-Tarts. If you have been searching, we at Anchored Cubicle thank you. If you would like to search, please let us know which city and state you are looking in. There may be money in it for the person who finds a box.

This isn't over, Kellogg's. We've only just begun our search.

THE LIST WILL BE COMPLETED.

May I have your attention please?

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 19:56:00 +0000

Ahem.

In case it hasn't been reiterated enough, I will tell you one more time:

The phrase "Kewl Beans" is not allowed.

Period.

Thank you.

I Want To Be a Plumber When I Grow Up

noreply@blogger.com (Nerk) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 19:50:00 +0000

My partner and I have lived in our condo for 2 years and have learned so much about home ownership during that time. At the moment, I've learned that I wish I wasn't a home owner.

Our condo, at the moment, is nothing but an endless cycle of brokenness. And yes, that is a real word. If anyone has seen the eighties-fabulous movie "The Money Pit" starring Tom Hanks and Shelley Long, you'll have an idea of what we have been going through. Granted, our bathtub hasn't fallen through the floor, but we are on the Terrace level, so there is no floor for it to fall through. But if there was, that bathtub would be long gone at this point. I am sure of it.

For instance, we just paid someone an exhorbitant amount of money to hang new closet doors which have been sitting in the corner for 3 months. Do you know what a simple task it is to hang closet doors? It really is easy. However, our condo consists of uneven walls, steel studs, and weak drywall. All of that adds up to equal one hefty price tag for a contractor to do it.

We are entering our second winter WITHOUT heat and we still do not know if it is because our air handler needs to be replaced ($2,500) or if it because of the Condo Association's system. We have been battling a year now to figure this out and have already invested $800 in upgrading our current system to see eliminate possible problems. Nothing has worked. A new air handler is on the horizon. Merry 'effing Christmas.

Just this weekend, our kitchen sink decided to become clogged. We could not think of what possibly could have gotten stuck. Well, a call to the plumber and $400 later*, we now know that a knotted piece of synthetic hair (aka WEAVE) was stuck in the pipes. My partner and I are both males with full heads of short hair - we have never used synthetic hair. That god forsaken piece of weave has been sitting in our pipes for over two years, just waiting to clog it. And that is the SECOND, yes, ladies and gentleman, second piece of weave to be pulled out of the drains in our condo. About a year after we moved in, my partner decided to try to fix the drain in the bathroom sink, which would would not depress, so that you could fill the sink with water. Well, after he ripped it out of the drain, we discovered this was so because a chunky piece of weave was wrapped around the bottom. Yum.

So, yes. Home ownership is a wonderful learning experience. Once you own a home, you fully learn the wonderful benefits of renting and how you wasted so much time and money going to college instead of learning a trade, like plumbing.

----------

*This was the second visit from Mr. Plumber. The first one cost $300 to remove a huge fish my partner flushed down the toilet and it got stuck.** Not necessarily the Condo's fault. However, the plumber did say that if the toilet wasn't so old, causing the pipes to be arranged differently, the fish would have easily been able to plunged out. I believe his words were "If there was a Toilet Musuem, this toilet would definitely be a star attraction."

**Why did he flush a fish, you might ask? Well, it was our fish wh was a huge, dirty, smelly, chiclid who was a miserable son-of-a-bitch. While I was on vacation, my partned tried to do something sweet and dispose of him. Flushing him was perhaps a little rash, as he was large enough to feed a family of four, but its the thought that counts.

10 Jobs I Would Gladly Try to Make a Living Doing

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 17:24:00 +0000

Buying good coffee and then drinking it.

Making homemade cards and selling them (or just sending them to friends. Either/or).

Writing haikus.

Listening to good music on my Ipod and then talking about it.

Leading a weekly Socratic discussion on The Office.

Watching my dog systematically destroy his stuffed giraffe.

Reading books from the used bookstore across the street and then recommending or not recommending them to people.

Trying every single Pop-Tart flavor and ranking them, using the 5-Star method (wait….)

Googlechatting.

Joining the old man who does Thai Chi in the park, near my house, on Saturdays, in his routine.

"I Will Most Likely Not Be Your Friend If. . ."

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 18:34:00 +0000

I will most likely not be your friend if you feel compelled to narrate every possible mundane thing you're doing or thinking. Really, it's obnoxious. It doesn't make you more important. Looking for a fork? Go right ahead. Can't seem to find a specific file? I don't care. Not sure why the printer is broken? By all means, fix it. But...EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR YOUR EVERY WAKING THOUGHT. Can't you do anything in silence? Can't you walk 10 feet without broadcasting your mundane workaday office life?

Help me, Jesus.

The List: A Sad, Sad Story

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:21:00 +0000

I tried to scan this but it wouldn't work. This is the letter Kellogg's sent me after receiving my request for a box of discontinued Frosted Grape Pop-Tarts.
------

October 29, 2007

Ms. Ashleigh ___
address

address

Dear Ms. _____:

Thank you for your comments regarding Kellogg's (R) Pop-Tarts (R) Frosted Grape. Consumer satisfaction is important to us, and your interest in our products is sincerely appreciated.

This product is no longer marketed by our company, since consumer demand simply does not warrant its continued production. At this time, there are no plans to reintroduce this product. However, as an alternate, you might enjoy a similar product called Pop-Tarts Splitz tm Strawberry Blueberry. We are sending you a coupon so that you can try it!

We appreciate your interest and loyalty to our brands and trust that we will continue to meet your needs for many years to come.

Sincerely,

(horrible, computer generated signature)

Yesenia Sanchez
Consumer Affairs, Department

--------

My Thoughts:

1. I am truly impressed that Kellogg's actually wrote me a personal letter (we'll look over the faux-signature).

2. If you had paid attention to the photocopied insert of my Pop-Tarts list you'll see, Yesenia, that I have already tried the Splitz flavor. It received a 4 star rating.

3. In what world is a strawberry/blueberry mix a good substitute for Frosted Grape? Oh, that's right, a world in which your life revolves around marketing YOUR NEWEST PRODUCT and not pleasing the customer.

4. There is no enclosed coupon.

5. I did not ask you to "reintroduce" the product, I asked for a single box of Pop-Tarts. Details, details....

6. I'm going to search EBay.**

7. If you can't send me just one box of a product that you have, no doubt, just sitting around your warehouse, how will you ever be able to "continue to meet [my] needs for many years to come?

**EDIT: EBay was a bust

Famous? Have your own show? Enjoy your career? Here's a tip:

noreply@blogger.com (Andrew) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 18:27:00 +0000

DON'T BE A RACIST DUMB ASS.

Yet again another celebrity finds it acceptable, and somehow wise, to go on a racist tirade like everyone in the world isn't going to hear about it three seconds after.

Duane Chapman, more commonly known as Dog the Bounty Hunter, in a taped conversation with his son, was heard discouraging his son from dating a black girl because Chapman frequently used the N word.

Here is a quote from the tape:

"I'm not going to take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for 30 years because some f---in' n----r heard us say n----r and turned us into the Enquirer Magazine. Our career is over. I'm not taking that chance at all, never in life. Never. Never."

Oh the irony. He doesn't want to ruin his career by being an ignorant, racist bastard, but then he did. (Comical foghorn sound effect).

TIP: If you're a celebrity, someone is probably photographing/videotaping/wiretapping you right this very second. DON'T SAY ANYTHING DUMB. That is unless you feel like ruining your career. In that case, get your publicist started on that heartfelt apology that you don't mean. How can you be "disappointed" in yourself and be "ashamed" when you went on for at least five minutes about how you don't want your son dating a black girl because it's inconvenient to your use of racial slurs? Oh yeah, really sincere. Idiot. See you in syndication, Dog.

A Very Happy Halloween!! (from Anchored Cubicle)

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 13:37:00 +0000

Holla-ween

Pumpkin Pop-Tart

Who carved this one? So tastful, so bright, so .... those initials! GASP!!

In Honor of Halloween...

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:05:00 +0000

In college I wrote for my school's newspaper and loved every second of it. So, I thought I'd share my current and previous thoughts on Halloween (specifically on costumes and females) in the form of an article I wrote two years ago.

Yes, that's the title of my article.

---

Ho-lloween in Retrospect

I’m not sure about other members of the female community at _______ , but I for one was at a loss this year when it came to finding the perfect Halloween costume. I was embarrassed at parties. No one could figure out what I was dressed as because, I was dressed as myself. Lame. Looking around campus for future ideas, I noticed some of you outfitted yourselves with far better costumes than I could ever have dreamt up. So, after observing and collecting my thoughts I’ve come to a few conclusions about appropriate Halloween costumes for the female sex. After all, we live in a visual society and therefore must be careful. We wouldn’t want to offer up the wrong impression.

First, I believe that females are under the false impression that they can pick from only a few costumes. Ladies, we must learn to be original. Imagination is key. Try being a fairy, a princess, or maybe even a small furry animal (slight variations of these are ok), because frankly, I didn’t see enough of these running around this past Halloween. If you choose one of these uniforms, it is important to make sure you wear wings strapped across your back and a tiara firmly affixed on your head. What? Animals wear crowns sometimes too.

Secondly, you must be kosher. For example, don’t you dare be an Indian. That is disrespectful to the Native American community. Why not instead pay homage to medical professionals, religious communities, or even the armed forces? Dress as say, a scantily clad nurse or a sparsely clothed nun, or perhaps douse everything except your shiny and showing legs in army camouflage. These people spend their waking hours serving us, and in some cases God, so let’s honor them through our dress and holiday. I have other ideas for those of you not feeling up to the challenge of representing an actual working member of our society. You could be a Playboy bunny, or perhaps a stereotypical (and completely fabricated) French Maid. On second thought, you may not even have to demonstrate an actual person. My basic suggestion is to just pick a costume that centers completely around your chest and/or legs. They are, by themselves, costumes. Feminism was just a short phase in world history anyway.

Lastly, wear a truckload of makeup. In case you have forgotten, the purpose of makeup is NOT to accentuate, but to instead cover-up. Hide. Black eyeliner is good. Glitter is better. Glitter-fy your entire body. It will be an undeniably positive addition to the aforementioned costumes. We all know that nurses, nuns, and women in our countries service paint themselves up like dolls on a regular basis, so let’s portray them in this way. It’s high time they were shown some respect among college students.

So, as you can see it involves quite a bit of creativity and thought in order to select the perfect Halloween costume. Most importantly, we represent a lot more than we even realize. Happily, I think that by this time next year I will have definitely come up with a suitable costume that not only represents me as a person, but also nicely exposes my body as an object.

---

I have not yet picked my costume for this year, but I am oh so open to suggestions.

UPDATE: While Whole Foods is Worth the Price

noreply@blogger.com (Nerk) — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:54:00 +0000

Please read above mentioned post if you haven't already.

*************************

After my phone call and email of complaint to Giant, I have been called by the following people:

Customer Care Agent
The Shift Manager
The Assistant Store Manager
The District Manager
The Store Manager

They have all been really nice and apologetic.

BUT...

Nia will not be terminated. She received a stern talking to, the proper documentation was put in her file, and she has to attend diversity training sessions.

I am glad they are giving a lot of attention to this matter.

But, as I recall, I didn't ask them to try to make her a better person. I asked for her to be fired.

And, I have not been offered a Giant gift card. I mean, that's just common sense.

The Internet is kinda dumb

noreply@blogger.com (K. Myers) — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 14:23:00 +0000

Ok, so maybe it's not the internet's fault. Maybe people just can't realize that there are certain ways to use the internet and certain ways to NOT use the internet. Yes - that is it. People are dumb in how they use the internet.

Case in point: our society is now full of internet social networking sites such as Myspace, Facebook and the like. I personally enjoy these sites for many reasons; but I also think they are responsible for many, many relationship issues that would not occur if people did not take these sites so seriously.

For example - if I post that I am in an "It's complicated" relationship with one of my GAY male friends, please do not frantically and excitedly ask if I'm seeeing someone. First of all - no one, and I do mean, NO ONE should take "it's complicated" relationships seriously. Secondly, he is GAY. And thirdly, since when does Facebook/Myspace determine my real-life status?

I also do not like the fact that certain individuals define their lives by their personal blog/myspace/facebook/etc. page. Let me remind you of this important fact: YOUR LIFE SHOULD NOT BE REVOLVED AROUND OR DETERMINED BY ANY SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE. If you think that for one second that these sites are what determines reality, you are sadly and pathetically mistaken. Do not take these sites seriously. PLEASE - it's just not worth it.

There are also several instances where an individual has been judged - sometimes wrongly, other times correctly - because of what they post on their website. We all do it. But for the most part, it's not a good path to take - ESPECIALLY when it's someone you know in person and know relatively well. Do not let their myspace/facebook/whatever define who you think they are as a person. Sometimes it's accurate, sometimes it is not. But don't make the mistake of judging someone wrongly- it's not good for anyone, especially if it's someone you love and care about.

Finally, I must make one comment, albeit quite hypocrital - do not use your public blog to slam others. This always looks pathetic, desperate, and immature. If you have feelings, scribble them down angrily in your emo hipster journal. But don't broadcast to the world how you feel about someone simply because you are too passive agressive to confront them to their face - you know, by using words and gestures and voice intonation, not typed letters and emoticons.

The internet is not dumb. People who use it wrongly are dumb. But you don't have to be one of those people. If you are, there's still hope - consult me later. I'll do my best to pull you out of your false sense of reality and bring you back to what the real world is like.

Why Whole Foods Is Worth The Price

noreply@blogger.com (Nerk) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 22:46:00 +0000

I really don't want to bring down the mood of this funny, witty blog so I will try to make this as humourous as possible. I guess that's the best thing to do when you find yourself in situations like this.

Picture it: Giant Grocery store, Wisconsin Avenue, NW, Washington DC. One of the most affluent sections of the city. A young man stops into a grocery store, one he frequents quite often, as it is 3 blocks from where he works. He innocently buys a loaf of potato bread and some Chef Boyardee products, all of which will be used to create lunches for the week for both he and his partner. Yes, the young man is gay.

It is now 6:00 p.m. The young man is checking out in one of the Express Check-out lanes. Nia is his cashier. She is a young African-American woman*, very pretty, 18-22 years old, approximately. As she is passing the young man's groceries through the scanner, she says to a fellow cashier, in a very disgusted tone, "Gee, a lot of gay people come in here."

The young man freezes.

The other cashier says "What?"

Nia replies, "I said a lot of gay people come into Giant."

The other cashier chuckles and playfully tells her to "Shut up."

The young man signs his credit card receipt and glares at Nia.

I am that young gay man. And let me tell you...

Hell hath no fury like a gay man scorned.

Could I have confronted her right then and there? Yes.
Could I have screamed for the store manager? Totally.
Could I have bitch-slapped her into the middle of next week? Absolutely.

However, creating a scene would most likely just label me "crazy" and "hypersensitive."

So, I took another route. I walked to my car, pulled out my receipt, got the time of purchase, Terminal number and Cashier name. Pulled out my cell phone. I called the store manager. Told him the scenario and kindly requested that some sort of action take place. I thanked him and hung up. Drove the two blocks back to my office. Got onto Giant's corporate page and emailed them the situation and demanded that Nia's employment be terminated. I told them that if I ever went into that store again and saw Nia there I would take it as a sign that Giant does not take this type of bigotry and ridiculous customer service seriously and would never patronize Giant again. I went on to say that I would encourage the gay population of DC through its many publications, organizations and network, to discontinue shopping at Giant. And let me tell you. They would listen. Don't piss off the gay community. When push comes to shove, we stick together.

It is my quest to get that girl fired and I will not rest until I have confirmation that she is making chicken sandwiches at Chick-Fil-A. She'll fit in nicely there - they hate the gays. I will protest outside Giant all by my little gay self to make this happen.

If anyone reading this goes to the Giant on Wisconsin Avenue in Washington, DC and happens to see Nia, please tell her that yes, gay people do come into Giant all the time. If you're not gay, tell her that a gay person sent you and wanted you to tell her "hi."

Then slap the bitch upside the head.

*I only include the fact that she is African American to illustrate the irony of one minority discrimminating against another, particularly since her remarks illustrate the exact same kind of prejudice and response African Americans fought so hard (and still fight today) to over come.

The List: An Update

noreply@blogger.com (Ashleigh) — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 16:54:00 +0000

So, to start this off, please refer to this site:

http://mr-blob.blogspot.com/2007/05/awful-news.html

To end this off, please refer to the letter I have written to Kellogg's (maker of Pop Tarts):

Dear Kellogg Company:

Good afternoon! About seven months ago I set out on a very important quest to try every single Pop-Tart flavor in existence, rate each one, and determine the very best flavor. I’m not kidding around. There is a list, including every flavor, stuck between my refrigerator and a smiley face magnet in my kitchen. The system I chose to rate each kind of Pop-Tart is the age-old, elementary school approach: The Five Star Method. For example, Hot Chocolate Pop-Tarts have received a 4.5 Star Rating, while Strawberry Cheese Danish Pop-Tarts received a 2 Star Rating. This is, of course, based on personal preference.
However, I seem to have reached a block in the road. I have one flavor left to try on my list and as fate would have it, Grape Pop-Tarts have been discontinued. All this being said, I am wondering if Kelloggs Company would be willing to donate a box of Grape Pop-Tarts to me, so that I can finish my self proclaimed challenge. Obviously, I am a huge Pop-Tarts fan. Thank you so much for your consideration and I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

Ashleigh Hill

Also, I realize, for those of you keeping track, that I have two flavors left to try. Tonight I will be driving to a grocery store 15 miles from my home to buy Chocolate Caramel Pop Tarts.

Dedication.