Let’s dive in:

1. Why is it so much harder for me to cultivate self-love or self-compassion than love/compassion for others?

For many, it’s easier to focus on loving and being compassionate for others because society has conditioned us to think about public accountability and expectations of how a “good person” should act towards others. Yet, when it comes to me, there’s this gray area. I’ve noticed, from my own experiences as a Psychotherapist, Trauma Specialist, & Sexologist who guides as a Balance (and) Relationship Advisor, that I can be incredibly hard on myself if I miss a deadline or fumble a presentation. However, when it’s someone else in the same situation, I’m the first to offer encouraging words and support. Why? Because I, like many, tend to magnify my flaws, holding myself back due to perceived limitations instead of embracing and leveraging my strengths to overcome or accept these flaws.

2. Why is self-love so essential for healthy relationships?

I firmly believe that you can’t authentically give what you don’t possess. If I yearn for a healthy relationship, I must start by getting intimate with myself: looking at myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually without any barriers. Only by acknowledging every aspect of who I am can I genuinely love myself without relying on someone else’s affirmation. In a relationship, a partner should complement you, lifting each other up. That’s why it’s crucial for me not to hinge my identity on phrases like, “I need you” or “You complete me”. Ideally, I want a partner who amplifies my energy and capabilities. Choosing self-love through positive self-talk, excellent self-care, and increased self-intimacy prepares me to either attract or maintain a relationship with a partner who enhances my life. And if they don’t rise to the occasion? My newfound self-worth will guide me to make the right decisions.

3. What are some practical ways I’ve found to cultivate self-love, especially for those of us who might be co-dependent, love addicts, or struggling with self-worth?

Boosting one’s energy is paramount in the journey of self-love. One method I swear by to instantly elevate my energy is by raising my heart rate to stimulate my senses. With increased blood flow to essential organs, including the brain, I release endorphins that boost my energy and mood. One of my daily habits includes taking a couple of minutes to inhale invigorating essential oils like lemon, peppermint, or cinnamon. Breathing them in helps stimulate my senses, instantly lifting my energy. Once I’m energized, I use that positivity to engage my other senses: perhaps getting a massage, trying a novel dish, or even heading to a comedy show with a friend for a bout of laughter. These simple acts help me build memories while nurturing my self-worth.

1) Be in the Moment. When you catch yourself slipping into negativity, snap yourself out of it. Use an anchor word or phrase, something unique and catchy. I like “Caught and released.” It’s a way to acknowledge the thought and give myself the push to move on.

2) Move It! Whenever those pessimistic thoughts creep in, shake them off by physically moving. Standup, leave that space–whether it’s your desk, room, or office, and take a quick 2–5-minutewalk. While you’re at it, reaffirm positivity within. Speaking life over yourself is key. No need to say it out loud, just believe it.

3) Listen, then Laugh. Let that negative thought linger just for a second. Ask yourself: “Am I scared?” What’s the worst-case scenario if you act or don’t? Most of the time, it helps to just laugh it off. A simple chuckle and smile can disrupt the pattern and alter your mindset in mere seconds. Even if it feels odd, it’s about changing your perspective. While there are numerous other tips and tricks to counter such thoughts, starting with these simple yet effective strategies can spur the momentum you need. Remember, it’s not about how many strategies you know but how consistently you apply them. It’s this consistent effort that truly brings about change in our personal and professional lives.

I understand that sometimes it’s tough to see the humor or lightness in situations that weigh heavily on our minds. But, if we adjust our view and understand the bigger picture, many of these concerns seem trivial and even laughable. If you ever find yourself stuck in a loop of negativity, don’t hesitate to lean on these techniques. Implement them every time those thoughts resurface, and soon enough, you’ll witness a transformation in your approach and an influx of positivity in every facet of your life.

These are not questions to make you think hard or bang your head in shame against a wall. More so, they are simply thoughts that tickle my frontal lobe whenever I have a client murmur that he or she can’t take time out for themselves because of the million and one things that occurred in their day or that might come up because of the nature of their profession and current duties to humanity. Although my coaching style is no less than direct and framed with the best intentions to deliver the message with gentle honesty, it often rolls off my tongue in a manner like this:

1. The time you just took to complain about your lack was time you could have used to add to your supply. If you can make time to tell me you don’t have time then you in fact have time. Often people will perseverate on what they don’t have, how life is unfair and how no one understands. What they don’t realize is that they just flooded precious moments with enough negative force to level a building when they could have literally paused for those 3 minutes or so and used them to meditate and re-center.

2. What’s really important to you? I ask each one of my clients to define the difference between what’s important verses what they feel is urgent. Often, they will list family, a spiritual center and health at the top of their important list and every single task they have to do falls under the urgent side of the task sheet. If that’s the case, why do the urgent task get crossed off weeks or often months before you tend to the important side of your life…? Perhaps you have your priorities mixed up!

3. Stop justifying your excuses. Really, this is one of the most pronounced statements I must make with clients who are young and wise (I don’t call anyone old). As humans, we are just full of them! Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. We will find a back door out of the back yard if you allow us to. Of course you have a pile of work to do, babies to feed, pets to care for, parents to aid and committees to run. Who doesn’t it? You have the same 168 hours per week that I have so what makes you so special that you can’t take 90 minutes or so once/week for yourself?

4. You’re being selfish (the old definition)! While you justify your lack of attention to the one person you actually have control over, your body, spirit and mind is being consistently depleted. Once you run out of gas-then what? Now you succumb to the old patriarchal definition of selfishness by wanting your family to pause their life to take care of your ailing, failing, uncomfortable body, right? Oh no, you wouldn’t do that to them because you’re too good of a person. Instead, you will work yourself into an early grave and feel-good knowing that you left them with a ton of bills, disorganized files you never had a chance to manage and an unusually long list of questions and lessons they were never able to ask you. SPOILER ALERT, the goal here is to actually be intentionally selfish-the new reclaimed and empowered definition, by taking time for yourself to refuel, creating time blocks to better manage your time, getting external expertise (yes you are brilliant (and) you should have a team of other brilliant people to support you), and making more space for intimacy with yourself and those that matter not just those that are the loudest via their proximity to you!

5. What nonsense do you speak? Notice that when you run off a list of cant’s, not’s or don’t haves that there is a familiar pattern for the listener to stare at you with an unknowing glare and occasionally suck their teeth in disgust. Oh no, maybe that’s just what I do. Listen, life is short, and the day gets shorter with each passing minute. Consider that you will need to carve out time–whatever time frame works for your life and your balance-so that you can refuel and re-center. It’s an important and honestly an inevitable part of your evolution if you plan to stick around long enough for life to show you what’s important. If you’re tired of making excuses and justifying your cants, then I have a few suggestions:

>>> Meditate for 3-5 minutes before you eat your lunch. By taking a moment to calm your mind and slowdown your body energy from the high pace you just ran through the morning of marathon meetings, you will open the flow of energy through your body and be able to enjoy and digest your whole 15-minute lunch easier

>>> Participate in a networking or social event once per month that is strictly for personal development. Let the professional cards, calls and connections fall where they may. Your focus should be solely to enjoy a new environment with people that share your flare for wine, music, tennis, old movies, or comedy. Whatever flights your fancy-enjoy!

>>> Park the car and take a stroll. There will always be those days, the ones you wish you could do over. Your boss was unreasonable, your peers didn’t understand, or your employees looked through you as if you had 10 heads. It’s inevitable! Concentrate on what you do have control over. In the moment, you can take a walk. Whether it’s around the block, through the parkway or around your local drive-just go (15minuteswill do it). No heavy laptop bags or briefcases allowed!

>>> Pull back from your normal regimen. Perhaps you are stuck in a rut, and you can’t get out. You may need to flip things on their head for a moment and purposely alter your schedule for one or two days to shake things up. Try doing simple things like eating breakfast dinner, taking a 15-minute nap at lunchtime (right after you eat your half-sandwich and medium size apple).

>>> Stay hydrated. This sounds like common sense but it’s often an element that is often ignored. When you are dehydrated (as many of us are) your body is fatigued, the mind gets cloudy, and your reflexes are not nearly as sharp as they should be. If you do nothing else, pause at least 8-10 times per day for 2 minutes and take in 6-8 ounces of water, tea or other clear non-sugar (nor sugar substitute) laden drink. Your organs will thank me!