Things I Have Learned

Losing a colleague, a mentor, a friend, a great man

2013-08-22T17:38:00.001-07:00

I was heading to a celebration of a great man's career, a man that I admired, that had been there for me, a man who understood me and my "madness", a man who was a champion of advocating for both staff and people we served, a man that made me feel special every time I spoke to him, a man who led us through budgetary wars and back with a smile, a man who I knew was not doing well but still hoped to see again. When I got there, I was told he passed away 10 minutes before the event started (give or take on the time). After sadness, my reaction in my head was : "Well played Bill".

Bill was a great leader who knew how to get everyone together towards the same goal. Bill was the king of advocacy and made sure everyone in the agency would call, email, write to our leaders in the legislature in order to advocate for those who sometimes struggled to advocate for themselves. We got so many forwards that I nicknamed him "Spaminator Bill" jokingly to a person I worked with. Unbeknownst to me, that individual relayed the message of the nickname to Bill. I saw Bill a few weeks later and he thanked me for always completing the tasks of advocating. I said no problem. He then asked me where his nickname came from...I said: "What nickname?" I said foolishly, not remembering the nickname I gave him. He told me he would make sure that he comes up as "Spaminator Bill" in my email.

Bill was compassionate. I remember a time where I could not work due to a work permit issue. I was pretty bummed out, as I do not do well sitting at home and waiting! Bill called me personally and assured me that my position was safe. He then asked if I had time to volunteer for collating envelopes one afternoon. We did 2000 envelopes that day for (what else?) an advocacy effort to be sent to the Senate Leader, Speaker of the House, and the Governor. Proud of our work, I took a picture with my picture phone (remember its 2004) and sent it to him.

When I saw him that night at an Advocates Christmas Party, he shook my hand, wished me Happy Holidays (PC) and asked me how I was doing. With many board members and Senior Leadership around him I answered: "Not so good! I sent you a picture of our work today and you didn't respond (me again, not PC)". I am assuming now that he meant my forced stoppage of work. He apologized as he didn't see it and asked me to send it again. He immediately responded and during the party, he asked: "Did you get my answer? You didn't answer!"

Bill was also perceptive. The biggest compliment I ever received from him was at a time we had a budgetary crisis (yeah that's every year so I don't remember what year) and the staff at the agency were a little scared, upset, unhappy about what was going on. Bill pulled me in his office and asked me what was going on. I talked a little about me but he stopped me. He asked how things were going in the agency. I told him about the unhappiness and other issues. I was pretty blunt about things (I am so passive anyway) and we discussed how to make things better. When I left he told me what has now become a huge source of pride and how I do things:"I can always count on you for an honest opinion". For better or for worse, that is how I do things all the time, honestly.

I have other stories, like my first encounter with him ever, the changes in position I have had in the company, the Canadian document resolution, the email he sent me while I left the agency for 10 months but I'll let you ask me those stories if you want to hear them. I want to leave with this message I sent him a few months ago. Bill, thank you for letting us know about the recurrence of your cancer. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I send my positive energy towards you. I owe you my life in the US. Thanks to you and the agency, I met my great wife, got a Masters, learned about my likes and dislikes in the my work. I have a house, two wonderful kids, and a great job I enjoy. All because you gave this Canadian a chance by recruiting me into Advocates in 1998. Thank you...for everything. I will forever be grateful.

Rest in Peace Bill. I will never forget what you gave to me.

One Mission’s Kid’s Cancer Buzz-Off

2013-06-05T12:39:00.001-07:00

One Mission’s Kid’s Cancer Buzz-Off Please give anything for this important cause. I would be appreciate it greatly.

Boston Marathon aftermath

2013-04-21T05:54:00.001-07:00

The last week has been quite a difficult one here in the Massachusetts. It has been quite an emotional ride which culminate with an arrest of one of the suspects after shutting down most of Metro Boston, one suspect dead, Officer Collier passing away, Officer Donohue fighting for his life, and a whole lot of healing to be done everywhere. I have been through a slew of emotions, from sadness, to anger, to surprise, to upset, to happy and I am not sure how I am feeling right now so instead of processing these emotions right now, I figured I'd practice my Buddhist beliefs and write what I am thankful for today. I can let you know about my other feelings in another blog entry.
I am grateful for all law enforcement involved, from Boston PD, to the FBI, to the Mass State Police, to Transit Police, to MIT Police, to the ATF, to Homeland Security, to Watertown Police, to Cambridge Police, to the hundreds of officers called in from all over New England. These guys are never truly recognized for all their dedication and the danger they face daily. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
To the first responders, EMT and Firefighters particularly, not only for their quick response on Marathon day but with the police officers injured during the firefights. A messy, stressful job that also does not get the recognition they deserve.
To the Marathon volunteers, especially those who reacted by going towards the injured and being so selfless in a dangerous situation. Not only did they give their time to volunteer, they gave more than ever expected.
To the military personnel, especially the National Guard, who responded quickly and efficiently to a quick call up. Don't forget those who ran the Marathon and stayed around and were called into duty with no preparation.
To the people of Metro Boston who listened to the direction to "shelter in place". From a state where we usually question authority, everyone was conscientious of this order.
To all hospital workers at Beth Israel, Mass General, Brigham and Women, Mt.Auburn, Children's Hospital, your exceptional service to the injured all around saved lives and made people feel taken care of. How comforting we have the best hospitals in the world right here?
To all those who did not react in fear, and kept going about their lives in the aftermath, you embedded the spirit of America. Never live in fear, be strong, be brave.
To Governor Patrick and President Obama. They said they were going to give all the resources law enforcement needed to get to the bottom of this, and they did. Never wavered.
To local sports teams who offered some sense of normalcy to the area. The tributes have been emotional but also helped start the healing. Singing the national anthem, giving their jerseys to the first responders, Neil Diamond singing, and Big Papi reminding us that "This is our fucking city".
To all the grief, CISM, and Red Cross responders. We will never realize how much you helped. Just remember to take care of yourself too.
To the Lenox hotel who put up all police officers, firefighters, agents who responded to Boston this week for free. It is nice to know some businesses aren't always about the bottom line and take care of those who take care of us.
I may have forgotten people, and for that, I apologize in advance. Thank you to all from a grateful Canadian who calls Boston home.

Open letter to the President

2013-02-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

Dear President Obama.

I want to start off by congratulating you on you second term in office. I supported your presidency for both elections, posting on Facebook, Twitter, and talking to my friends about you as a great person with great leadership skills. I also contributed to you in other ways so that we can have you as a President for 8 years. However I did not vote for you.
Why you may ask? I am a legal permanent resident in this country but I cannot legally vote. I have been here since January 1999, when I entered this country as a Transnational from Canada. Here, I met my now wife, who happens to be American, and became a legal permanent resident in 2006 after enduring countless paperwork, a harsh interview from a Homeland Security employee, going for my biometrics in downtown Boston a few times, to be questioned for deceitfulness due to dry skin and "modifying" my prints, and paying many fees to remain in this country that I love. I also have two children who are born here and they are lawful citizens. During the past 14 years, I have payed taxes, Medicare, and Social Security on my paycheck and payed my taxes each and every year. I always though this country was based on "No taxation without representation" but I guess that does not apply to legal residents.
Now I hear about a plan to make unlawful immigrants in this country permanent residents after 8 years, as long as they have committed less than three crimes and/or have spent less than a year behind bars. I understand we must address this issue of "unlawful immigrants". I have to admit, Mr. President, this has rubbed me the wrong way for several reasons. First of all, you are giving a pardon of some sort to individuals who came here in less than legal ways. I have crossed the border legally each and every time and let's just say that there were times I was treated not so nicely. I was held on a few occasions for TN issues, which, in my opinion, was an excuse to pick on me. I also somehow always get pick for random searches. Why do we treat people who do things the legal way in that particular way.
I also struggle with "only 3 crimes". I have been told on multiple occasions that one crime and I am deported. Not just three crimes or less or less than a year in jail: ANY CRIME. It is appalling to hear these terms when I get treated as a threat...and I have done nothing but love this country. And let's not even think of the court costs, law enforcement, incarceration that less than three crimes cost. So not only do we have lower standards for unlawful immigrants to become awful, they already have created a cost and never paid taxes.
Mr. President, please don't make legal immigrants regret doing it the right way. Paying taxes, being lawful should not feel this wrong.

Parenting: Not As Easy As It Looks

2012-11-19T15:31:00.000-08:00

When I started reading about parenting in my late teens, boy did it sound easy. "Of course, I will use time outs appropriately", "I won't lose my cool", "Positive reinforcement is the only way to go", and my personal favorite "I won't be like the other crazy parents I see". Four and a half years in, I've broken all these ideals a few times, more than I care to write in this blot. Timeouts have been effective some of the time but I'm not sure I always use them right. Telling my kids why they are in timeout prior to sending them? Oh they know what they did! Sometimes, I think the timeouts were for me, not them. I have also caught myself several times. My favorite time was when I sent Catherine in timeout and I took her word on why she was there. Embarrassing to say the least. If losing my cool wad an Olympic sport, I would have a few records. Crowded places drive me nuts, now imagine it with impulsive 2&4 year olds. Not pretty. Also being an only child, I have no clue on sibling rivalry or how to put up with lots of talking and disorganized chaos. Ok, I am French Canadian and speaking over each other is a pastime but still... And please explain to me how you tell your kids you love them equally without World War III erupting and the dueling banjos from Deliverance make their appearance? I do use positive reinforcement fairly regularly but there is something to be said about limit setting once in a blue moon..OK once a day. How can you always be positive? I am positive that it is impossible to do! This is probably my biggest thing I got to work on. I guess that I can do it really well when I sleep well, do not get woken up early, that I am not over-stressed, and that they are getting along...Now all you parents out there, how often does that happen? I thought so! I remember looking at those crazed parents who yell and scream at their children or pull their arms out of their sockets when they are walking or shopping or anywhere in between. I wondered what the hell is wrong with them? I mean the kid is acting up, but that happen with young ones. Now that I have two, I realize that these moments are maybe the end result of a full day of trouble, where the parent used every single possible skill known in parenting and just can't do it anymore. While I still agree that yelling and screaming is wrong, and I really get upset to see kids getting pulled by their arms, I am starting to think those parents aren't as crazy as I though. I never yell or scream at my kids personally...well in public anyway. For those of you who are now horrified and think that my kids are in danger, let me reassure you: I write this in jest. I did want to point out that all ideals that we have as a non-parent are really tough to follow in real life situations but that if you are able to follow these regularly, you are doing a pretty good.

Chris Benoit 5 years later

2012-06-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

We are coming up on the 5 year anniversary of the Chris Benoit tragedy. I think of this tragedy many times a year for several reasons: A)I am still a wrestling fan (laugh of you want) B) I always loved Chris' character C) Chris is a born Montrealer D) the criminal justice impact of what he did and his victims, his family E) the reasons for this horrible act with hindsight. For those of you who may not remember or know about this case, Chris Benoit was a former professional wrestler who killed his wife and two kids before killing himself. It was mediatized as wrestlers acting out and being bad people. The discussion of brain injury came up at the time slightly and is now considered the actual reason for this gruesome crime. This was all triggered a few days ago when I read that Our Lady Peace has not played "Whatever", Chris Benoit's theme song, since this tragic day. That angered me. I think it is backwards to think that if we don't talk about it, it will go away. It's destructive and short sighted. It's also pretty ignorant. "If you ignore history, you are doomed to repeat it" someone once said. Chris was a decent man who had been married to his job for many years. In order to do that, he took many risks who caused physical injuries, as well as brain and psychological injuries. To be able to perform for the fans, he dealt with injuries, using medications. One could assume pain medications, as well as steroids. We have devilized him for the end of his life. However, we must look at other stuff before we put squarely on him. First of all, I understand he put those medications in his body. However, why did he do this? Was it the wrestling business? The fans? Other stuff? A little of all four of these factors? That, to me, is the real answer. Some will say I am putting blame on others. I believe that we are quick to blame a single factor as it is easier. But when is a negative event the result of a single factor? Chris Benoit probably shouldn't have taken all those medications. He probably should have stayed home and rest. But how many of you get paid to stay home? How many of you would actually stay home until you were 100% better? How many of you take all your meds "as prescribed" and then return to work when your med regimen has taken it's course...OK how many were able to say that they did all these things as prescribed and who cares if they get paid? That is what I though. Some of his violence may have been due to all this and pressures of employers, as well as society. We can devilized Chris Benoit but he is no different than most of us. If we learned to look at people as people who make mistakes instead of going into "black and white" thinking, we would be able to understand others better and ourselves. Let me know what you think of this blog.

Why I love Howard Stern and try to follow his example

2012-04-23T19:57:00.001-07:00

For most of you, you know I got Sirius within weeks of hearing that Howard Stern was going to satellite. For some of you, you don't know how much I admire Howard Stern and have followed him since 1997, when he came to CHOM in Montreal. I also watched him CBS until I moved to the US in 1999.
Now there is many reasons I like Howard but I'll try to focus only a few of the reasons. My number one reason for listening to him is that he is honest. He says what he means and means what he says. He does not apologize for who he is. Sure, he does say some of his stuff for shock value but even beneath this shock, there is a grain of truth in it that most people can relate to. Now I already know some people tune out of my blog at this point but please, give it a chance.
Howard grew up in a neighborhood in which he was "different". Now you tell me you cannot relate to that? I have lived a life where I felt different in certain ways: I grew up with a French mother and an English father. I went to French school, while watching mostly English TV. I was the "Bloke" for French speaking Quebecers and the "squarehead" and "Jean-Guy Pepper" for the English speaking Quebecers. I am a Canadian in the USA. You get the picture. Sometimes you feel like an outsider. I know I have. Howard was an outsider in his jobs, whether on the radio, TV, or movies. He hit the big time and still feels like he does not fit in. Again, sound familiar.
He also uses everyday language, the language that some of you are way too embarrassed to admit use. But if you really listen to him, he does not square to only "shock" but to put emphasis on his points. And he also has real feelings. It is so hard to find someone who can be genuine in his feelings but Howard is. If it offends you, listen to the message, don't get hung up on the swear. Listen. And frankly, I like to talk that way and I have put that in place in my practice. Why? People relate to real words, not the psycho-babble. And I think people relate to honest, from the heart words. Think about it: If I say "That sounds difficult" does it really have the same impact and feeling that "That's f#ck up" has? I don't think so. And if someone is in a "difficult" situation, someone else saying that it's messed up makes them feel your empathy.
I have like 40 other points but I'll leave you on this: Howard is who he is and does not make excuses for it. I wish more people were like that. If he messes up, he'll fess up. But most people don't remember all the good stuff he did: He stayed broadcasting in New York on 9/11 and gave all his staff the opportunity to leave if they wanted. He has stayed loyal to all his staff when they have had issues. He has helped people in the "Wack Pack", people most people do not want to deal with. He has given an open mike to people who needed one. He has given to countless charities, but does not want the publicity. He has a heart. He did not publicly destroy his ex-wife prior or after his divorce. He never brought his girls in his work and was very protective of them.
All in all, Howard is more like everyone of us than some of you want to admit. That is maybe one reason people are "repulsed" by him. He is more like us than we want to believe. And even if you still don't want to hear him, you have a choice: Instead of being upset, change the channel. I don't like Rush Linbaugh so I don't listen to him. I don't complain about him, I just change the channel if I hear him. But I for one, think Howard is relatable, honest, and real. And maybe, just maybe, he will bring you to change your way of thinking.

3 strikes law

2012-03-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

So this has been bothering me for a while. There is a new bill on Beacon Hill for "habitual offenders" and which has been called the "Three Strike Law". Legislators are bragging about it being one of the toughest in the country. It would make "violent and habitual offenders" ineligible for Parole. They define the violent crimes as "murder, manslaughter, mayhem, rape, kidnapping, and assault and battery causing serious bodily injury".

On paper, it is a tough on crime, and makes a whole lot of sense. I mean, who wants these guys paroled, right? Why I agree on some, I think they include over 60 crimes. Murder, rape, and kidnapping makes sense to me. What does not make sense is that we will release individuals that have committed violent crimes with no supervision after their sentence. Part of the bill states that there would some mandatory post-release supervision, but they do not indicate who would be responsible for this or how they plan to grandfather (or not) current parolees, probationers, and incarcerated people. This part of the bill has been proposed in the past but has died due to not being able to agree who would be responsible for this post-incarceration supervision. And, please tell me, if they violate mandatory post incarceration supervision, what are the consequences?

Also, we will overload a very crowded jail system, jails which by the way, the current administration want to close or reduce. The Department of Correction is the biggest part of the state budget and if this law passes, it will only get bigger. Maybe this gets DOC backing, but keep in mind that it costs roughly $45,000 a year to house an inmate. If this inmate has special needs or is acting up and such, it increases the costs. I firmly believe that inmates who will incarcerated for the totality of their sentence may be a little upset and may act out. I think that by making inmates angrier, more frustrated, and upset at the "system", we may have more issues. If you need some examples of what a three strikes law does to the prison population and their behavior, look up California and their experience with the 3 strike law.

I also believe that with recent issues with parole, the board is more aware of these issues. Cineli and Corales were appalling neglect of the board to read about inmates they are granting parole. I also believe that parole does a great service to former inmates: it sets-up a series of conditions of release that are tailored to the parolee and get them the services they may need. This, in turn, increases the chances of effective adaptation to the community and probably address their criminogenic issues. This, in turn, make our communities safer. Probation does similar work and I also applaud them for their work to get probationers ready for reintegration to the community. I also firmly believe this helps diminish recidivism.

As for financial considerations, let's take an inmate with a 3 year sentence. If he was released on parole with 1 year left on his sentence, it will reduce DOC cost by $45,000. It will cost maybe $10,000 to be on parole for 1 year. In addition, the parolee must pay $80 a month and if he works (usually part of the condition), this parolee will pay taxes to the government. So, conservatively, the parolee may pay $2500 back to the community, have supervision to support proper reintegration to the community. So again I ask, what makes more sense?

Now legislators need to be "tough on crime" and especially in an election year. There are some individuals who should NEVER be release...but 97% of them are released at some time....Again, I ask you: 3 strikes, or community supervision

Women, my girls, and feminism

2012-03-15T20:07:00.002-07:00

I have had some time in the last 2 weeks to read many articles on several "women" issues. It was International Women's Day last Thursday, Newsday had a full issue on Women's Month and summit, and there has been lots of talk about birth control, abortion, and women in politics.
Now I want to stress a few things. I believe that many issues are "human" issues and not just "women" issues. As I write this, I also want to stress that men should stand with women on most of these issues but not make the decisions for them. I think that women have a voice in men's issues also, but they should not impose their view on men either. I understand that there are biological and societal differences between men and women but respecting each other's point of view is more of the essence then imposing anything on each other.
So I'll get the issues that bother me. First off, I am sick and tired of this birth control issue. It is not a political issue, it is not a religious issue, it is not a medical issue. It is a women's choice issue. Men should stay away from that issue period if they are not willing to let a women choose. A woman who is against birth control and abortion should just not choose to use them. If a woman wants both, that is fine too. If a woman supports one but not the other, again, not an issue. Let a woman decide for herself.
Women and men should not impose their views on others. Western countries are mostly based on freedom of choice and expression. So let women decide for themselves. I'll be accussed of simplifying a huge issue but whatever. I stand behind my opinion. Are there exceptions? Of course. But how would men feel if women decided on who can or cannot get a vasectomy, procure condoms, or even choose for them if they can or cannot father a child?
Secondly, women are not second rate citizens. This is mostly directed to countries and areas where women are mistreated, mutilated, verbally, physically, or sexually abused. But don't think for a second this does not happen here. It is appalling to see how some people treat women as second class citizens, even in "developed" countries. Very sad too.
I had a great role model growing up: my mom. She worked in HR at a telecommunications company for several years. She was also considered a "superior" most of my life at that job. She broke the glass ceiling before there was one and she never looked back. She was a strong woman, who balanced her home life with her professional life. She spent lots of time with me and also did her job professionally and efficiently. She gave everyone the time of day but made difficult decisions when she had too. She even fired my dad, who worked at the same company (they met there)! I never had to think twice about "women in power" and issues with that. In my book, women and men had equal opportunities to get any type of jobs. I thank my mom for this attitude to this day.
Of course, by the time I entered the workforce, I realized perception of men versus women. I am still aware of it to this day...and it saddens me, angers me, scares me. I have two girls who will grow up in this world. I look at the women I consider friends or that I admire and I hear/see/observe all the difficulties they face. I even look at some of my male friends and their misperceptions or even the language they use about women. I also look at how we continue to socialize girls and it scares me. My girls are allowed to like anything they want, dress with any clothes they want, including boys clothes, and express any emotion they want. My girls play rough but love pink and barbies. They don't want "pink" sports uniforms but what the players actually wear. I refuse to box them on gender...but there is a whole lot of people who try to do it. I don't try to stop it, unless it is excessive, but I let them decide what they want. I want to empower my girls, want them to feel they can be what they want to me...but I sometimes worry that this "civilized" society (US, Canada) won't let them.

My experience with getting an outpatient procedure

2012-03-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

So it's been about 48 hours since I went for my outpatient procedure. I don't know what the procedure itself thaught me but I know why I did it and the motivation behind. I was also surprised by the support I got from other men.
First off, it went OK...I got there after taking a prescribed benzodiazepine...which did not affect me until I got there....took away the edge for sure. I was calm and probably helped with the waiting room wait and the prep time. The left side went pretty quick with limited pain, however there were complications on the right side...I was calm about it until he went: "It's being difficult". Then he said to the nurse to go get a colleague doctor. I detected (or imagined, whatever) in his voice some concern.
I played it cool but I got to admit that it freaked me out. It was OK at first...Until the anesthesia started to wear off...I started feeling more than I realized it was the anesthesia running out...I had to remind them that they may need to give me more anesthesia....they said they would but delayed it ever so slightly...I beg them at some point and they finally did....but they still struggled to find the thing they had to cut, making sure it got in to the clamp...it was probably a few minutes but it felt like an hour. But the anesthesia ran out again...so they doubled up on it...After they did the cut, the nurse and the doctors told me I was pretty strong not to flinch. I have to admit a few expletives went flying though.
Anyway, after they were done, I had to stay there for a few minutes before putting on the jockstrap and the gauze. I walked out a little dazed, with a "goody bag". As I was leaving, I was calling my wife and the doctor ran out to ask me what pharmacy I used, as he was going to call in an antibiotic due to the complications on the right. It was 90 minutes after I went in. A 30 minute procedure? Yeah right! At least my anxiety wasn't playing tricks: it did take longer.
I got to the car walking funny. My two girls tried to talk to me but frankly, I could not really answer: all I wanted was my pain meds. I don't remember what I said to them or my wife other than needing to pick up an antibiotic. And for the record: why would you put speed bumps in a urologist's parking lot? That is just plain cruel! And no, this ain't a joke.
I got home, made a B-line for the meds, two bags of peas, and went straight to my bed. I went through 4 bags of peas off and on since then. It does help with the swelling although trying to hide the process from 2 curious daughters has been difficult. It's been great, as it took away my back pain, as I have no clue about my back right now. I have struggled to stay inactive and now 48+ hours later, I need to get out of the house. The pain is not as bad but it comes and goes.
Now here are a few observations that I have to make: when they were "struggling" with the right side and I had pain, they told me to go to my happy place. I did that for a short while but then used a different imagery: watching my first born playing turtle while my wife was trying to push her out at her birth. If she can put up with that "pressure", a little pain is nothing.
Secondly, a bunch of very manly guys talked to me about their experience with their procedure. It was nice to get some advice but to also know that some men are willing to go through with the procedure. Some other guys beg me not to do it and if I did, I was less of a man and that I better not tell their wives about it. I think some might have been joking but some of it was not a joke and the guys were pretty damn serious about their criticism. I just think it is sad.
I went through it for the simple fact that women go through a bodily change for 22+ months when they decide to have a baby and breastfeed. We have had 2 kids so it's almost a 44 month sacrifice. My little pain for the next few days is nothing compared to that. I am not saying that I am enjoying this but frankly, if there is something that is fair, it is me doing this for my relationship. I respect men who don't want to do it or have other emotions preventing them from doing this procedure. I know I did what was right for me and my relationship with my wife.
And if I want kids later? There are several options: adoption is a great option. There is also the use of A.I. I have friends who struggle so much to have kids and have used all these techniques and then some. I am so lucky to have two very healthy girls and I feel lucky that we were able to conceive these two wonderful daughters. I look at my friends who have used the other techniques and they seem to be as happy with their kids as we are. So yeah, adoption, A.I., or any other techniques would be OK in my book. But right now, I am pretty convinced that I am done having kids.

Gary Carter, a childhood hero and role model

2012-02-20T19:23:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, the man nicknamed "The Kid", Gary Carter passed away Thursday, February 16th 2012 at the young age 57. He died of brain cancer, the same disease that took my first supervisor who brought me to the United States. Carter's passing affected me in two important ways: he died due to a disease I especially despise and he was one of my first sports related memories.
Gary Carter was a kid at heart in a sport for grown-up kids. He started with the Montreal Expos in 1976 (I was born in 1975). He got his nickname from the veterans on the team who remarked that his enthusiasm was "like a kid". I was not a huge baseball fan but one of my first memories is this guy with curly hair who is always smiling and fist pumping over simple plays. He genuinely seem to have fun and didn't hold back his emotions. He embraced Montreal, even though he was a California kid. He tried his best to learn French and even spoke in French at times to reporters and journalists.
He loved Montreal. He would be at any fan outreach, he would speak for the team at many functions and he enjoyed the culture. He brought Montreal to their only post-season games. He got the biggest ovation at the All-Star Game in 1982 (played in Montreal) but he appeared humble. Oh, sure, he never met a mic he didn't like but he just enjoyed talking I think.
When he was traded to the Mets in 1984, I was upset. I sure hoped that Fitzgerald, Brooks and the others that we got in return for Carter would produce, but it created my deep hatred for the Mets. I felt he had betrayed Montreal, that he sold out. Little did I know that most Expos stars would follow suit until the demise of the team in 2004 at the hands of MLB and Bud "I hate Montreal" Selig. I pulled against the Mets any chance I got.
Which brings me to 1986. I became a Boston Red Sox fan that year. I was rooting against the Mets, sure, but after the Buckner blunder, I started having lots of sympathy for the Red Sox. This is way before I came to live in Boston. So I guess I have been a Red Sox fan for over 25 years....Thanks to who? Gary Carter. I think this is when I realized how polarized you can be for people. I always loved Gary in Montreal but hated him so much when he went to the Mets. I was even angrier that he helped him get a World Series.
I loss site of Carter after he left the Mets but so remember his last run with the Expos. As it turns out, I was going to attend school not far from the Big O. And I had a friend who worked at the gift shop. I also was dating a girl who's father got us tickets from his work a few times. I didn't see in person Carter's last hit as an Expo but I do remember the call by Elliot Price on that night: "Over the head of Dawson". I didn't know it was going to be his last hit but it felt special. And seeing the replay on CFCF that night gave me chills.
I was so thrilled to hear about his Hall of Fame nomination. We kind of all knew in Montreal that Bud "I am a jackass" Selig and MLB was going to move the team so this was maybe our only chance to see an Expo go to the Hill while there was still a team in Montreal. All that talk about him maybe going in as a Met? It was just Americans being Americans...Self-Centered in their view of everything, including baseball. The Kid elevated baseball, not only in Montreal, but in Canada. He deserved the Hall not only for his numbers but also contribution to the sport of baseball.
My heart sank last year when I heard about his brain cancer diagnosis. Brain cancer took away the boss who recruited me to the US. Now it was going to take my boyhood baseball hero. Cancer has been a disease I have despised since it took my Godmother when I was 12 or so. She had never smoked a cigarette in her life. I think the same could be said for the Kid and my former boss.
So this passing of Gary hurt me twice. Losing a boyhood hero and losing him to a disease that makes me angry and sad at the same time. Cancer has threaten friends and clients. A former friend survived it. My current boss survived it. My colleague also beat it....Twice....My client died from it last year. I saw her on her last day. I worried about Gary and wondering how long he would live. He died to me a hero...a boyhood idol...a big hearthed man...a human being who made me believe...Cancer did not beat him...Cancer only makes me really appreciate the living...the survivors...
R.I.P. Gary Carter...You will live in my memory forever.

Want to know which teams I pull for? Read this!

2011-06-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

So The Bruins won their first Stanley Cup in 39 years yesterday. I was on the edge of my seat and rooting for them since they eliminated the Habs in the first round.
So here is the logic of my choices: I am a proud Montrealer so obviously, my favorite NHL team is the Montreal Canadiens. I have pulled for them since...as long as I can remember. I have seen 2 Stanley Cups come to Montreal in my lifetime that I remember. They also won it in 1976, 1977, 1978, and 1979, years I was alive but don't really recall. So that's really 6 Cups in my lifetime. I also pull for the Boston Bruins. There are two main reasons: one is that I have now lived in Massachusetts for 12 or so years and have a great attachment to the area. Secondly, one of my best friends (of over 20 years) is also a die hard Bruins fan. As much as it killed me at first, I wanted to join my friend in cheering on a team. I started really liking them in the Neely, Bourque era. Because of this, they have been my second favorite NHL team for about 20 years. I pull for the Bruins 76 games of the regular season (they play the Habs 6 times a year). And because of my beautiful daughter, I am now a Worcester Sharks fan. They are local and easy to get tickets too.
My favorite sport is football. I am more of a NFL fan than a CFL fan or NCAA Football. My favorite team? Growing up in Montreal, you got most of the National broadcast of the NFL. In the early 80s, America's Team was on more often than not. Being 5 and thinking a star as a logo was pretty cool, I clung to the Dallas Cowboys. And I have been a fan of them ever since. I have seen them won 3 Super Bowls. They also won one when I was 2 and lost one when I was three. I really don't remember those two. But I am loyal to the Cowboys. Living in New England, I learned to cling to the local team, the New England Patriots. I went to a few games when I moved here in 1999. I pull for them, as long as they don't face the Cowboys, which only happens every 4 years. I have been here for 3 Super Bowl win and one loss. Not bad, I guess. I do watch some CFL when I can and I pull for the only team I can pull for: The Montreal Alouettes. I have been to many games up in Canada and I even saw them when they were the Concordes (Montrealers will remember them). I have seen 3 Grey Cup championships in my lifetime. I watch them when they sneak them on NESN or the NFL Network. I also follow them online when I can.
I am not a huge baseball fan but I have seen more Montreal Expos games than I can count. I am an Expo forever. And yes, I know they were forced out in 2004 by MLB and scummy Bud Selig. They never officially won any World Series but they were going to win in 1994 until they pulled the plug on the season. They were going to win and to me, they will be the 1994 World Series champ forever. Again, being in New England, I pull for the Red Sox but that didn't start when I moved here. I started to like them in 1986. Why? Well the New York Mets had stolen my favorite Expo, Gary Carter. I was pulling against them. So I was rooting for the Red Sox then. After the you know what happened, I pulled for them in the AL. Just because of that incident. The Sox won in 2004 and 2007 and I was very happy to live here during that time.
Basketball? Never been a huge fan. I liked the Celtics when they had those fun Championships game against the Lakers in the 1980s. And I didn't like the purple and gold. The green seemed nice and simple. I was happy to be here in 2008 and watched some of the games. Honestly, I just can't watch basketball that much. I'll pull for UMASS and BC just because they are local.
Soccer? Montreal has had several teams: the Manic, the Supra, and the Impact. I don't watch a lot of soccer but I will always pull for the local teams. Next year the Impact will join MLS. I have always pulled for the New England Revolution due to them being local. Starting next year, I will pull for the New England Revolution all the time except whern they face the Impact. As for European soccer, I do not have any attachment to any particular team except Feyenoord in the Dutch league. If you want to know why, one of my friend is Dutch and that's his favorite team. Loyalty.
Finally, a small paragraph on my citizenship. I will be a Quebecer and Canadian forever. I have been in the US for 12 years and could go for my citizenship. I have yet to do it for a specific reason: in the US citizen oath, you must forgo all other citizenships...And I will never do that. I love America, and it is my home...but letting go of my citizenship of Canada? Never! I may have to break down and do it so I can vote and make it easy for my girls. We shall see.
Hope this made sense!

Feeling horrible about things (part three)

2011-04-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

The next morning, with few hours (or was it minutes?) of sleep, I got Catherine ready for preschool knowing full well that I had to tell the day care that I dropped my youngest daughter on her head. Catherine took her time and frankly, I was not going to rush her. When we got to daycare, they asked where Christina was. With tears in my eyes, I explained what happened and that she was at Chidren`s Hospital. They were all concern and asked me if I was OK. I didn`t answer just shaking my head. I left Catherine, leaving embarassed and ready to cry. I called work to let them know I would not be there. After I explained what happened, they told me to take care of myslef.
I drove to Boston. I got there fairly fast, missing rush hour. I got there and was received with a giant smile by Christina. That meant the world to me. After a few minutes, I realized she was fine. I had brought a change of clothes for her and some stuff for my wife. After being told she would be discharged, we were visited by a `technician`about how to properly fasten a seatbelt on a babyseat. That was pretty embarassing but I also felt anger for the first time.
We were discharged a few hours later (2-3 hours after being told we would be discharged). While waiting, we spoke to our roomies who had a 4 week old with spina bifida. This made me realize how lucky we were to have healthy girls. I also though about our friends`child who had a heart procedure there a year or so to the day we were there...again realizing our luck that we lived near one of the best Children`s Hospital in the world.
Christina has been great since then. There seems to be no long-term effects of what happened on her. I jokingly tell people she is doing better than I am...if only it was a joke. I have been still struggling with some flashbacks. I still think I am the worse father in the world. Believe me, I got many encouraging statements from others, but nothing is resonating to be perfectly honest.
Some have said to me that they also dropped their kids on their 'blank'...frankly that is not helpful...made me feel like they did not ackowledge what I was going through. It seems like it minimized it and made me feel worse for feeling so bad. I know it was meant as helpful but it wasn`t. If you are a friend and recognize yourself, I hope yu are not offended by this statement. I just want to be honest. Empathy may have been better received. A specific person told me "Don`t you work on a crisis team? Shouldn`t you be able to handle this?". That was one of the most frustrating statement I heard. I wanted to do something to them. And no, it was not said in a joke. I also feel not very manly not being able to get "over it".
I also have a memory that has been hard to erase. There was a man sitting on a bench talking on a cell phone at the restaurant when Christina fell on her head. This guy saw everything happen and never stopped his conversation or offered to help. Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get sad, but mostly I want to find this man and ask him why he did not offer any assistance. I guess people don`t know how to react but come on...I couldn`t let this situation go on in front of my eyes without doing something. I just wish I could talk to this guy.
One other statement that I have heard is the following: "Because you are upset, that shows how much you are a great dad". I feel really sad when I hear that. All I can tell myself when I hear this is "If I was really a good dad, I would have never, ever forgotten to strap my child in". I am hard on myself maybe.
I have spoken to an EAP therapist twice. I am getting ready to go into more counseling and/or EMDR very soon. Maybe that will help. I have been eating more and still sleeping restlessly. There are some flashback moments still. I am unhappy with many things in my life right now but unsure why. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. And the one thing I don`t want is pity. I have had enough of that, but if you ask me what I need and what I have learned, I struggle to find that answer...

Feeling horrible about things (part two)

2011-04-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

So we now know that Christina must go to Children's hospital after they do a CT scan and find blood on her brain. The guilt just shot through me. At that point, we don't know the quantity or anything, we are told she needs to go to Children's because they are specialized on this subject. Now, I cannot react to much, as Catherine is now with us and any type of bad reaction (i.e. crying, getting upset) I know will affect her. We tell her that Christina needs to go in the ambulance to another hospital to make sure everything is OK. Inside me, I want to die. Literally.
So they get Christina ready for the ambulance ride by putting in a line for an IV "in case". Again, my heart sinks. If you know my Christina, she is a little pudgy baby so finding a vein is hard. So I take Catherine for a walk after the first scream and cry from Christina. I walk her around the ER and outside the hospital. I can hear Christina yell and scream and cry anywhere we go. Catherine is asking tons of questions and I try to answer her:
Catherine: "Will we go in the ambulance? "
Me: "No"
Catherine: "Why?"
Me: "Because there isn't enough space but we will drive there in my car?"
Catherine: "Is she OK?"
Me: "She'll be OK. It is a great hospital." Inside, I am feeling like the biggest failure in the world.
Well, we walk around for what felt like 2 hours. It was about 20 minutes. Christina is screaming bloody murder.
Catherine: "Are they hurting Christina?"
Me: "No, they are trying to make sure she'll be OK." In my head, I'm thinking IV=bad news.
Catherine: "I want to go see her."
Me: "Let's wait"
We finally go in and hey got the IV in. Christina smiles at me and her sister...but inside I still feel horrible. Christina, through all this, seems to get back to her normal self, appearing tired but smiling and wanting to nurse. She was doing much better but I certainly was getting worse.
We bring the car seat to the stretcher. And if you have ever seen that site, it makes you sad. It did for me. We kiss Christina and my wife and we get ready to go to my car. Catherine is crying, wanting to be with her sister. I am so proud she cares so much for her sister and I want to punish myself for putting both of them through this stuff.
We get to the car and get ready to drive. I get some DD for us, Catherine forgetting a little what was going on, enjoying her munchkins. I call my mom and cry like a little baby on the phone. My mom could not understand me for the first few minutes. My mom, the great coach that she is, reminds me that I need to stay strong for everyone. She makes me feel OK about this incident for a few minutes and the pep talks works.
We drive to Boston, Catherine falls asleep on the way. In my head, I am going through many scenarios, including long-term hospitalization, brain trauma injury, and anything else in between. I also worry about telling others, feeling ashamed and embarrassed, even letting a good friend at work know: "Don't tell anyone about this". I finally proved that I was a bad parent.
We get to the ER and she is in the "neurological" ER room. We wait for about an hour. We try to keep everyone entertain, playing peekaboo and playing with the toys in their diaper bag, as well as a toy the ER staff provided. We also get some food. Catherine gets the food with me and we see cool things, like fish, a ball display, a waterfall. Catherine is getting tired and struggling. This whole incident has probably had an effect on her. I decide to post a little note about Christina on Facebook, after my wife did so. I am feeling embarassed but I figured I would let people know. Maybe their comforting would help me. The doctor finally comes in and without really looking at Christina, he says: "We'll keep her overnight". Panicked, I start asking questions:
Me: "How much blood is on the brain?"
Dr. "Just a little but it is procedure to keep them overnight."
Me: "Is there any other damage?"
Dr.: "There is no concussion or cracked skull"
Me: "How long will she be here?"
Dr.: "If nothing changes in her behavior, she will be discharged tomorrow. We feel like it is better to keep her here than if she starts throwing up or any other negative symptoms and have you drive back all the way to Boston."
My instinct is that this is my mistake I should stay. My wonderful talks some sense to me and lets me know that I cannot nurse Christina. I drive back with Catherine to our home, and on the way, I ask Catherine if she has any questions and let her process everything. On the drive home, as I answer some Catherine questions, my head and my heart are racing and I am feeling like the worse person in the world.
As I put Catherine to bed, I hold her really tight, and try to keep my head from exploding. I stay with her until she falls asleep. As I stay up late, I am happy a friend called and checked on me and asked me how I was doing. I hold back my true feelings. I go to bed, the bed feeling really big, the house feeling empty without Christina and my wife. I sleep a couple of hours, if that, my head racing, reliving the exact moment I dropped my Christina and unable to take those images and sounds out of my head. I think I am losing my mind.

Feeling horrible about things (part one)

2011-04-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write for the past three weeks but it's just been a struggle. First things first: I was probably sick for the whole month of March. My doctor, after the third (yes, that is correct) set of medications finally figured out what I needed. At first, it was walking pneumonia, then it was my asthma getting worse, and finally it was a bacteria in my throat. The third time's the charm I guess. Let's just say that March has been difficult physically. I coughed a lot, I had trouble breathing, my energy levels were down, and I had trouble sleeping.
At first, my sleep was difficult due to trouble breathing: I would wake up coughing, out of breath, or even choking. However, another event really rocked me, and to this day, it has been giving me trouble sleeping, has given me flashbacks, and to relive the moment on a regular, daily basis. I am writing this and I am cringing and struggling with even thinking about writing about it. On St-Patrick's day, around 1PM, I, Catherine, and Christina were leaving Chicago Uno's after lunch. I transported Christina in her baby seat back to the car, Catherine in tow. Once at the car, I remembered that I should ask the toddler if she needs to go to the bathroom. You know how that could be once on the way to somewhere.When I did ask her, she said she needed to go.
I get her out of her seat. I went to Christina's side and lift the baby seat out of the holder and as I do that...Christina comes out of the seat head first to the cement in the parking lot. The seat must have been 3-4 feet from the ground. I got to admit that the "tud" it made when she hit the ground...it still haunts me daily...I hear that noise 2-4 times a day and I cringe. The first thing she did was cry, which, in a weird way, made me feel good. I put her back in her seat and yelled at Catherine to get in the car. Catherine, now crying, asked me where we were going, I told her to the hospital. She cried louder, thinking she was going to the hospital. I told her it was for Christina.
Christina is crying and I am a mess at this point. Catherine yells "Don't forget her shoe!". Her shoe had fallen off and was in the parking lot. I pick it up, throw it in the car, Catherine is crying, Christina is yelling and I am having trouble talking and breathing. I decide at that point that I am rushing to the Milford ER. I am one town over. I call a buddy of mine who is a detective. Barely able to talk clearly, I ask him for help. He does not understand me. While driving, I take a deep breath and tell him what happen. He told me to wait for the ambulance. I tell him I am already on the way to the hospital and maybe meeting me half way would help. I keep an eye on Christina, who is crying. My buddy says OK and will drive his vehicle my way.
Suddenly, Christina stops crying. She looks slumped. My heart sinks. I yell to Catherine: "Talk to your sister" "Is she awake?". Catherine, now stops crying, says "She's awake". I tell her to talk to her to keep her awake. To this day, I am extremely impressed how she reacted to my behavior and this emergency.
I call my wife via her work. I ask the secretary to break into her session NOW! I feel bad I was not polite. When my wife answers, I am sobbing, not able to make coherent sentences and she tells me to calm down. After a minute, I tell her Christina was dropped on her head and to meet me at the Milford ER. She hangs up as my buddy is calling on the other line.
I talk to him and he asks me where I am while I continue to tell Catherine to keep Christina busy. He finally locates me and gives me an escort to the Milford ER. My buddy takes care of Catherine while I rush in with Christina and they seemed to know what happened. They take her in right away. My calm demeanor, which I usually display in other people's crisis, is now gone. I am asked my phone number: "I don't know" and then proceed to give the phone number to the ER I work at sometimes. I am unable to give any info coherently. Christina has already calmed down and is no longer crying. I am comforted by many staff at the Milford ER and I am crying like a baby. I am just so messed up. Christina is smiling and charming everyone. She has a huge bump on the left side of her head and I cry looking at it and, to this day, my eyes water when I think about this lump.
My wife gets there and takes her in her arms. Christina seems so comfortable. I, on the other hand, feel like a bad father. I also feel like I failed my wife. I feel like I yelled at Catherine and did not help her at all understand what happened. I am grateful for my buddy. I am grateful for the staff at the ER. I am grateful for the support from the boys in blue. My wife was supportive. Me? I wanted to die. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I secure her? I was so down on myself. I still am. I feel horrible. All preliminary tests are normal. They do a CT scan...oh oh...blood on the brain...we need to transport her via ambulance to Children's Hospital...

I am a sentimental person....(part 2)

2011-03-11T19:24:00.000-08:00

There is not only the Montreal Expos that make me a sentimental guy. I am proud to be a Quebecer and a Canadian (in that order, by the way) and want my girls to speak French at all costs. I struggle a lot with that. I really try to not make a big deal out of it, yet, when Catherine does not try to speak French because "It's too hard" I get angry...I also want to give up. After all, why would my girls really need French? French is probably the 4th language in the U.S. (if that). No one here really speaks French and when I mention it, it seems like people say "that's nice", "that's really good" but I always feel they are just trying to be nice.
I speak Quebecois, not French, which also limits our contacts in French around here...French from France is like English from England...it's the same...but not the same. I don't mean it disrespectfully but a hockey puck is "la puck" in Quebec, not "le palet"...And this joke is only funny if you are From Quebec. My girls seem to understand but they do not speak it all that much (OK, the seven month old does not say any words yet), and that makes me sad. I feel I am failing my family, my roots, myself...I don't quite know why. I mean I try right? Is that enough?
Well for me it's not...does it makes me too sentimental for my home country? Am I too nutty? I already have plans to send my girls to a French-Canadian immersion program. IS it worth it? Sometimes I wonder. I feel like I am the only one who cares. I'll give credit to my wife, who encourages me to continue but when visiting Quebec, even my French relatives "practice" their English with my girls. I understand why they do it, but it bothers me...and yet I know why they do it. And I never know how to react. Should I get mad at them for their effort? OR should I just let it go? Last time, I just let it go because I am sick of fighting. And I want to be good. I just don't know if this is romanticizing where I am from or is it a very important issue I should fight for...I just want to do what's best for my girls.
And on another subject, I so wish I could be in Montreal with the Bs-Habs rivalry hitting new heights. A lot of people just switch to their local team when they move but I just cannot turn my back on "Le Canadien". For the records, Chara should have had a 2-3 game suspension with a fine. And I will be Canadiens fan forever...because I am loyal. Which brings me to another point: is loyalty and sentimentality so related that it is one and the same? I don't know if I can deliberate it here on my own blog but I'll take a stab at it and you let me know your thoughts.
I think loyalty comes from some sentimentality. Sentimentality makes you feel "warm and fuzzy", where loyalty fills you with pride...but I think sentimentality may be related to pride also...and it makes you feel like "you owe" whoever you are loyal to something. I think sometimes that where I work is related to both loyalty and sentimentality...So are most of my family and friends...How do we separate both? I really don't know. All I know is I have both and sometimes confuse both of them. Maybe, what I have is a confusion of the English language and I should stick with French just based on loyalty...or is it pride...or sentimentality...Oh well!

I am a sentimental person....(part 1)

2011-03-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

So I have been having a tough time lately. Don't worry, it's not that bad...but I am sadder than usual in the past few weeks. Three recent events have made me sentimental about the past and what has been loss.

The first event: Major League Baseball's Spring Training started a couple of weeks ago. It made me think of all the years I would look at the Grapefruit League schedule and the roster of the people in camp for the Montreal Expos. It was always fun as you never knew who would emerge as a potential superstar. I did that with a sick pleasure since the early 90s. That's when the whole "yearly fire sale" would take place on the Expos roster...yet they kept on producing emerging superstar after emerging superstar. From Grissom, to Walker, to Pedro, to Vidro, to Vlad, they always found a way to make the team exciting.

The second event: Duke Snider passed away last week. I know real baseball fans know him more as a great player on the Brooklyn/L.A. Dodgers but for me, he was one of the best announcers of all time. I would enjoy listening to him and Dave Van Horne on CFCF 600 Montreal do the play by play. I think about them as the best tandem of Expos announcers in history, although, there is something to be said for Rodger Brulotte and Jacques Doucette but I digress...Anyway Duke, to me, was the voice of the Expos.

The final event: the passport pictures I took were rejected and I need to do them yet again. The last time this happened, I was stuck in this country and not able to go see the last game of the Montreal Expos and the Olympic stadium. My grandmother was also sick then and there was a chance I might never see her alive again(luckily, I got to see her several times before she passed in 2006). I was so sad listening to the radio broadcast in French and English from my home here in the USA.

What does this have to do with sentimentality? I am fiercely loyal and always try to remember where I came from, including my heritage and my original home. Montreal is still my hometown, even if I have been gone for 12+ years. I think about it every single day of my life and all the things I miss about it. I read the Internet news, I try to listen to radio broadcasts on Sirius in French, and I am teaching my daughters to speak French, even though it is at times very tough because I am the only one who makes this effort daily. In some ways, it would make more sense to teach them Spanish but I want them to remember where they come from.

I have this guilt that takes a hold of me sometimes that is frightening. Why do I worry so much about keeping my native tongue alive? Why do I still feel sadness and pain when I think of the Montreal Expos? Why do I miss my friends and family in Quebec to the point that I feel guilty and worry that I will never make it "home" again? My home, after all, is here in the US, as my daughters and my wife all live here. I do consider this home but this is so... different...sometimes I just feel like I don't fit it...(To be continued)

Time goes by so fast...and slow...

2011-02-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

Since my last blog, I have had many ideas but just did not take the time to write...I will do my best to write more often.
Many things also happened, including my oldest's third birthday, as well a change from daycare to a preschool for her. We changed from a specific daycare to a preschool for a few reasons, but there is a specific one that I will not write about here. For those who know me, feel free to ask me privately. For those of you who don't, I'm sure you can use your logic to figure out why someone would change daycares. Anyway, it was time to go to a preschool and this need, as well as the other issue, made us look for a new place.
It is early, but these educators have already impressed me with their response and their willingness to help out both our oldest and our youngest, who is now in the infant room at the same location. It is refreshing to know some places really want the children to grow and learn. They don't push too hard but they understand how to use a child's strength in order for them to use their potential to their fullest. I also appreciate that there is a sense of discipline.
I also watched Catherine turn three and notice that this time has gone by so fast. It is so interesting that three years flew by, just like my parents told me, yet I still remember some days and some nights just going slower than molasses. Three years ago (in January, not exactly now), I felt like I would cherish every moment of her life. And I did try to do so...but I got to admit that there are days, I felt like pulling out the 4 hairs I have left on my head. Why is it that we can feel that time can go by so fast and so slow at the same time? I have yet to ask anyone this question but please give me your take.
My take? It is all relative. I never think about how quickly they grow when I feel she is regressing...and yet her vocabulary grows daily...except when she is tired...and then only a few words occur...which brings me back to the beginning...hence finding the time going so slowly. The one thing I do never forget is that we are so lucky to have two healthy girls (give or take an ear infection/cold/stomachaches) who are thriving. We were able to get pregnant three times without any invasive or complex procedures....this makes me feel lucky. I hear too any times from people I love and respect how hard it was for them and, sometimes, an impossibility to get pregnant. This makes me feel lucky and when I struggle, I like to remind myself of how truly lucky we are.
Recently, I have been struggling with teaching Catherine to speak French. I am trying to do my best to try different strategies but it is "Too hard". True, she recognizes some colors, some words and definitely understands when I speak French. Her "S'il vous plait!" melts my heart. I will also admit that her ability to speak English makes me feel good and the fact that I am alone to speak to her in French and still tries to repeat what I say at least half the time.
I really got to learn to take the small victories...but it's hard...time goes by so fast and yet stands still when she resists...

It was 4 years ago today...

2010-12-14T20:08:00.000-08:00

It was 6:40PM on Thursday 12/14/06. I was at my office party, having some fun. My phone ran...I kind of knew why...I knew she was not doing great...she probably had to move out of her place...it was hard to think about her anywhere but her own apartment..she was always so strong...but something happened to her in November...she fell...she was now paralyzed on one side...and she was struggling.
I picked up the phone...it was my mother. Memere was going fast...this was probably her last night on this Earth...I kind of knew...but it hurt so much...my whole family was there...there for her...except me...I was 325 miles away...could not be there...maybe she'll go tonight...maybe not...Memere has meant so much to me...and this is how I repaid her...I know I could not be there...I knew she knew...but it was hard...I went to bed that night, heavy hearted with my cell phone and land line phone next to me...in case they called to tell me the news...I knew it was coming...but the phone call did not come...
Until Friday, December 15th at 7AM. Memere had past away that night around 2AM. She was 85 years old. She was the last of my grandparents still alive. And the only one I got to know. She raised me as a child and was a second mother to me. My mother was always present but Memere just had that aura...that strength...that role in my life. Now she was gone from this world. I still think about her just about every day. I give her a lot of credit for everything she did for me. I knew she loved me so much. It still hurts like hell. My oldest, Catherine, is her re-incarceration, I am convinced of that. That same year, in December, we also had a miscarriage of our first pregnancy...two losses within 10 days...The year before, I could not work because of an issue with my work visa...December have always been tough for me...but that is an issue for another day.

Memere, tu me manques beaucoup. Notre famille n'est plus pareille depuis ton depart. Tu etais tous pour cette famille. Ca me fait pleurer quelque fois. Je pense a toi souvent. Je t'aime et un jour, on se reverra...
(http://translate.google.com/#)

What have I learned? Love your loved ones each day. You never know what you might regret NOT saying. Before she passed away, I went up to see her in the hospital around American Thanksgiving. We joked around about certain things...Krispy Kreme, wrestling, hockey replays, playing cards with my cousin...We had a great time. I kind of knew it was the last time I'd see her. I told her how much she meant to me and how all these memories will be with me forever. And that one of my favorite memories is when she met my then girlfriend (who is now my wife) for the first time, she told her in broken English "I love you". She was embarrassed not to speak English...and she did not have to be embarrassed. Memere told me later that I seemed very happy with her and that she is "la bonne" (the right one). She had never said it about any of my other girlfriends...again she was right and said this because she always seem to know these little things.

I learned that love is innate and that instinct is sometimes a whole lot better than careful analysis.

Je t'aime Memere

First Hockey Game with Catherine

2010-11-21T19:41:00.000-08:00

So I really feel like writing today. I had so much fun going to my first professional hockey game today with my big girl, Catherine. I say professional because we did go to a hockey game in Vermont featuring two local high school games. She was barely 1 so I am pretty sure it is a blur.
I was expecting a lot of redirection while going at the game, as well as as at the game but Catherine was the best. She walked 1/4 mile or so holding my hand, being a big girl and noting all the garbage on the ground and saying: "People are not nice! They shouldn't throw stuff on the ground". She was also amazed by the yellow fire hydrants of Worcester and we touched all 12 (not sure of her counting but whatever!) of them on the way.
When we got to the game, we got a big lollipop and a lemonade. She enjoyed both immensely! She did not drop any of them and ate them while watching the game. She loved the Worcester Sharks due to them being Sharks and the Springfield Falcons, as I was asked, "Are they the bad guys?". We were right at rink side close enough to touch the glass around the ice. When she saw her first hit on the boards, she asked me if they were going to break the glass. We had a conversation about how solid it was and we touched it. At the next hit near us, she said: "Wooo! But the glass won't break!"
She actually followed the puck fairly well but did not understand at first why they chased the puck. After the first goal, she understood why! During the first period, a puck went up the stand near us and the local photographer, who got it, handed Catherine the puck, which she promptly put in her mouth! I explained that it was the puck from the game, and she said "Ahh!". I have been to many games but never got a puck. She gets it on her pro game...I guess it helps to be a cute little girl in a pink Canadiens jersey.
At the intermission, we went to get some souvenirs. Her choices? The Shark foam head and the orange hat with the Shark logo on it! She was very excited to see the Sharks on most of the merchandise. We walked away before it cost me a small mortgage. During the second period, Finz, the Sharks mascot, came to our section. We got her hat signed and I tried my best to get a picture. She was also the only kid to say thank you (sad is it?). She was also not scared of the mascot, which, historically, she has been. Very cool! She was also impressed by the Shark logo on the board reading a book.
During the second intermission, she also was fascinated by the Zamboni. She asked me how it worked and why they did that, etc. I told her to ask one of our friends, who has driven many of zambonis, next time we see him. We stayed for most of the third but she did appear extremely exhausted so we headed out a little early. She was all smiles and truly liked the game of hockey. My only deception (and hers too)? Dora was there, made a 2 minute appearance at the top of a section and we never saw her again. She was advertised heavily on the outside and one of the main reasons of our trip to the DCU Center. We walked back to the car (actually, I walked and she was in my arms).
The Sharks won 4-3 in a great comeback win. This was such a fun experience, Catherine had so much fun and was all smiles most of the game. I can't wait to do it again. A great father-daughter bonding experience that I would not trade for the world. (even for the Indy-Pats game)

This week in our little family's history

2010-11-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

So first of all, thanks for all the feedback. I'll continue to try to write every week or so and try to discuss a bunch of stuff from "what I have learned" in life to my current life situation, and anything in between.
My first week back was hard in some ways, easy in others. My transition to adulthood was surprisingly a lot less painful than I remember my awkward years between 18 until 22. I could talk, say intelligent things, and also meet sophomore humor with more LCD jokes (email me if you do not understand LCD). I was also taking heat for being gone "so long"...whatever. My job just took me back in as quickly as I left. My clients also did not skip a beat in challenging me with new issues as soon as I got back.
It was hard in other ways. The transition to daycare went smoothly for Christina and Catherine but the whole time it took is still catching up to me, as I struggle to make it from daycare to work on time. I am also use to rolling out of bed at the same time as Christina. Well, I got to actually prep to go to work so I really can't do that. I haven't use my alarm clock in months because Catherine, my alarm clock, was up always too early. Now, Cindy gets Catherine and I wake up way too late...So I learned how to work my alarm clock, pulled out the instruction, and figured out how it work...now if I can just turn it to "Alarm on" every night. I also started having a little cold last Tuesday that still hasn't completely subsided...It is hard to fall asleep or breath still to this day (night? Whatever!). Cindy has also struggled with a cold.
We have also struggled with all our kids being sick. Christina appeared to have a cold last week but no temperature. She wheezed a lot but has been her happy, cheery self. Her smile and laughter is so priceless! Got to get that on tape ASAP! She is just charming the people at daycare! Catherine has had her struggles but her biggest struggle was this Monday, when she woke up with really red eyes. It did not appear too serious (i.e. I did not think it was conjunctivitis) but when I got to day care, they told me "OH that's pink eye! 2 or 3 kids had it last week. She needs to stay home".
Here is my rant of the week: Couldn't they have told us that conjunctivitis was happening at the daycare? Seriously, like letting us know to increase hand washing, letting us know our kids might get it? And also, if symptoms occur (i.e. drippy eyes, red eyes) leave your kids at home for 24 hours? Is that too freaking hard? Will they "forget" to tell us when malaria is running around? I just think that they can let us know really fast about increases in "tuition" and no daycare days but sickness, which seems to be more of a pressing issue, can fly under the radar...OK rant over.
Catherine went to the doctor and also discovered that, in addition to conjunctivitis, she has an ear infection! Poor little girl. She got to stay home with her papa yesterday and Cindy and I split the day today with her. I think she really needed alone time with us and this was a good way. She was actually great most, if not all of the time. The most of the time is around her meds. Sure, she likes the pink antibiotic syrup (and who didn't like that syrup growing up?) but have you ever tried to put Bacitrin in the eye of a 2 year old? Wow, those have been epic battles. One colleague suggested to sit on her but I am trying to think it may be too traumatic...so we yell, scream and lose our cool for 20 minutes at a time instead...maybe I need to change my strategy!
She came up with a few gems in the last few days: "Can we drive to Canada to get 'Des Maisons?' (her favorite French song)". The CD now skips and she is distraught about that. I woke her up from her nap today, and she got startled and told me: "Swiper tried to get me and he scared me". Swiper, in case you are wondering, is a character on Dora and is present in her room...on a strip of wallpaper. "When I grow up, can I hold Christina?" (I let her know Christina "might" possibly grow too). I brought my Canadian flag home and she said "Nice Canada flag but where is the Canadian flag?" She also has decided that our cat Loki is now called "Lok" or "Big Guy", which, by the way, is how I call him.
Loki has also been a little more upset, having fur issues. He has a big patch missing on his stomach. We believe it is anxiety, but we are doing a flea and tick treatment in case. Christina has struggled a lot more at night, right before sleep. I got to admit that her strident, very powerful cries, go right through me and make me anxious and make me feel incompetent. I know it's in my head...but whatever.
So I'll write again soon.

Retrospective

2010-11-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

So I could talk about today, what happened, how great Catherine has been and how Christina lights up every room she walks into. Rather, I want to do a retrospective of my leave and ask for feedback to people who actually read my blog.
First thing I want to say is that I am so happy I did this leave. To be honest, I was very hesitant. My first one with Catherine was quite challenging and I always felt I was not the greatest at staying home. I am not the mos patient man and I admit to that freely. However, this leave proved to me a few things:
a) I could be quite patient when needed. I am proud of that. Christina was quite challenging regarding feedings. She was also a little harder to read when things were wrong. Was it teething? Was it feeding? Was it a bad TV show I was watching? Was it needing to get out of the house? This was hard but most of the time, I went through the sequence and found out eventually what she needed. That can be daunting.
b) I also know how I got to bond with Christina, which was very important to me. When a child breastfeed, they are more bonded with their mother and the father becomes an after thought. I felt that way a lot in the beginning. This leave made me realize that every child needs a clown and that is who I am. Christina also needs to be stimulated by another person than mom.
c) I can actually not do work for 4 weeks and it's OK. I always take pride in my work but this leave, more than the first, I realize that work is second to family. Christina just loved just spending time and laughing with me, and just hanging. I also got to see friends and work was not in the forefront of my thoughts.
d) I really need to grow breast and get milk to come out of it. Seriously, that would a lot easier than preparing breast milk 4 times a day. And Christina knows the difference. Let's not kid ourselves.
e) I should be proud of what I did. I sometimes think that people believe I just do this for the time off. I was also shamed when people said: "But your wife gave birth 3 months ago?". Now I know that I did something that most guys have no testicular fortitude to do, which is stay at home alone with a young child. I also know that I should keep my head high and say that I did it. I can't really explain it, but I was always feeling like I did not have the right to do this. If you understand, let me know.
f) When you take care of kids, structure some adult time. I think sometimes I got really involved and lost my mind because I did not have one-on-one with adults. We all need some time to not talk goo goo ga ga, you know?
g) I admire all parents who stay at home. I wish I could say I could do it full-time. But I couldn't. I joke with my wife that I believe in empowering women so they could make even more than man so I could stay at home full-time. I really believe in equality but there is no way I would stay home full-time. Love my girls, they are my life, but we both need some time away from each other in order to really enjoy each other!

OK so I want to ask where I go from here. I want to continue this blog but I really won't have daily material. Should I go weekly? Every other week? Should I continue to talk about my trials and tribulations as a father or more about other stuff or both? Let me know what you think. I have had over 900 views in the past month, which is really cool and I am hoping that feedback will help me to continue or not. Thanks for reading.

Friday and Saturday November 5th & 6th...Things change

2010-11-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

So these are the last few days of my leave with my girls...I have had a few good days, with occasional moments that were hard but overall. Fridays have been easier, as Cindy is home and it helps to have someone to tag in. Catherine was her usual self. She struggled with redirection but I have noticed something with her: if I am alone with her or Cindy is, she is more redirectable. When we are both there, she tries to feed off each of us and seems more hyper, out-of-control.
Christina, on the other hand, is just a cool cucumber most of the time. She seems to enjoy having both of us there, and she certainly enjoys the faces we make for her. She just coos and smiles away. She has been such a different kid. Some say it is experience, some say it the change of attitude of us as parents, I think those things help but, ultimately, she is just a different child than Catherine. Christina has been making me sad, with all her smiles and appearing to thoroughly enjoy spending time with me. I hate having to go back to work, even though I know it is what is best for her and me.
Anyway, yesterday afternoon was spent cleaning out Catherine's stuffed animals and books. Catherine was such a giving sister, working on sharing and even making a distinction of what she likes versus what Christina has liked (OK, maybe that is the over bragging parent, but please, just go with that notion!). She started over-giving by the end of the separation of goods so that was a little weird and created a weird energy. We tried to go return some items at a store and go see some animals at a store but it was too late, Catherine was tired and we ended leaving fast. We got everyone ready for bed and tried to sleep it off.
Unfortunately, Christina was coming down with a cold so she was up in the middle of the night...and had lots of trouble falling back asleep. I tried to contribute, but Cindy was really good with her and helped her fall back asleep. I sometimes feel so powerless in those situation and really want to help. I am not always very awake and not useful. I get angry at myself. I don't know, it may sound nuts but I wish I was better.
Anyway, today was starting a little rough. We were running slightly late for gym, Catherine was tired for the gym and struggled most of the AM. Christina was unable to sleep, Catherine was cranky and bossy. We tried to put them down for a nap but it was not helpful, so I decided to go for a ride to the mall. Yes, I am talking about taking 2 kids under 3 to the mall on a Saturday...but it was, actually, really great. And yes, I was alone, as Cindy had to work. Both slept on the way there. and then, they did awesome at the mall. We walked, got people say how cute they were, especially Christina...which brings me to my rant...
How come people look at the 3 month old and say "How cute!" "So precious" "Awww!" but ignore the toddler? I get so annoyed because they always annoy Catherine and I always make a point to include her somehow: "She got her looks from her sister" "Catherine, tell them you look exactly like her" etc. People are so freaking insensitive and really don't understand the impact of those statements and them ignoring the older child. Am I the only one who gets this? OK, rant over.
Anyway, Catherine was very good, helped me with some shopping for Cindy and even told me: "I don't like it" in front of the salesperson so I could leave without guilt. Christina also smiled and "hoooooo!" me a lot. We went home, got ready to go eat where it was rougher because Cindy was back! Seriously, I think they were both tired and Catherine is also coming down with a cold. We ate at a restaurant, where a man noted that Christina, due to her crying; "he'll make a great football player" to which I replied "I hope SHE will". After all, it was hard to tell, as she was wearing pink...OK maybe the guy was color blind...It really didn't annoy me but found it funny.
Catherine got home, went to bed, decided she needed the potty where she pooped and peeped...She was so funny though. She sat, asked for something to read (daddy's girl) and was there for a while. When I asked about pee or poop she denied it...and then slowly got up to "reveal it" to me! She then jumped up and down and was genuinely happy to see my happiness in my face. This stuff is only really cool if you understand how these little things are little gifts. Christina needed sleep too and went down fairly easy.
Last day tomorrow of the leave :(

Thursday November 4th-Before last day

2010-11-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

So it's been quite a few days. Honestly, yesterday, I went to bed early because I was: a)exhausted from the day and b)I felt really negative. It has been a tough two days. I think it started with the whole Christina going to daycare thing and yesterday, Christina was very unpredictable for feedings, sleep, etc. I guess writing this, I feel kind of stupid, since this is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme if things but when you are trying to plan a day, it is a really big deal. I almost ran out of milk for the first time yesterday! And for those who know about frozen breast milk, yo'll nod in agreement as how that can be stressful. Thank God, Cindy came home early.
The other thing that was getting to me is that, with these struggles, I felt angry and I was upset that I was angry! Wow, I need a shrink (or drink, whatever!). Seriously, I wanted my last day of just me and her to be special and it did not turn out to be that way...which really is about my expectations. Anyway, Catherine was OK but needed lots of redirection, which also gets frustrating you know? So just a tough day and I figured a early bedtime was in order.
This AM, Catherine acted really tired and contradictory...which was tough. Christina struggled I think with all the negative energy and slept and woke up fussy a few times. I was also waiting for a plumber who was going to be there "within the hour" at 8AM and he came at....I should take bets on this...what is your guess....10:20AM...to tell me he needs to send someone else! So I went for a ride with my girls because I knew that was a way to calm my nerves and get them to sleep. And yes, it is calming to drive the streets of Massachusetts...Please call a psychiatrist now! But driving with my girls insures me of no crying, due to sleeping, and also a change of scenery. I also can get some of my tunes playing on the radio, not Dora, Barney, or Passe-Partout!
We came home, did the feedings, eating, changing, and really had a good time until I had to leave for some volunteer work at my agency. Honestly, I was happy to go somewhere to have some adult interactions! I was trying to think and the last time I had adult only interactions (no, not that type you perverse people) for 4 hours was my last day of work on October 8th...so I really needed it. And to those who will say that this is bad...let me just say this...you either don't understand what I mean or you are lying to yourselves. I love my girls more than anything in this world but you need some time away to truly appreciate them. It is also for plain sanity that you need to tell other adults what you are going through. I am so happy that someone I truly respect told me that: "You never hear people say: I should have worked more" but they usually regret not spending time with their family". And for my girls who may read this in the future: being away for a few hours is all about love, not anything else.
I was asked if I was looking forward to going to work: I answered "Yes" and related the story about a friend spending time at home full-time with her boys and how I admire her choice of family first, not work. I know I could not do it for a long period of time. It takes a special person to stay at home. Will I miss my girls? "Absolutely!!!" I even cried thinking about next week (call me whatever, I really don't care) but staying at home with children is a much tougher job than any criminal justice work I have EVER had. Cheers to all who stay home with their kids or are single parents.

Week 4-It's almost over...

2010-11-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I did not write yesterday because I was tired and that I was unsure if I was going to write about a certain issue that has been bothering me. After a night of sleep, as well as recent happenings, I decided to writer about it, keeping it general enough to not incriminate the parties involved. After all, I chose to do this blog, not them.
First things first though, yesterday was OK until the night came. Christina was in a cheerful mood most of the morning, eating well, smiling, giggling, hooting happily. She came to my company's main office and got people to oooh! and ahhh! from many. She is such a ham, and very charming...just like her old man! She did OK but appeared cranky. Cindy was working all day and was in for supper and left to go see a private practice. Christina ate before Cindy left and fell asleep...and she woke up during Catherine's bath and story time...and she did not stop crying for 1+ hour! Let's just say, I was close to losing it.
And before you start shouting at the computer, yes I tried to feed her, to walk her, to rock her, to put her in her swing, look at a different scenery...She was calmed when I put football on and watched it with her...and when my friend came over to watch the game, she took to him nicely and Cindy got home. She did her night routine without much issue and went to bed. And then I got sad...not because of what happened, but that my little girl was going to daycare today. We do this so that she has a "practice run" at daycare with me being available if anything goes awry.
So this morning, I shed many tears watching my girl getting ready to go to daycare. We know the daycare, we know that they did good to Catherine, but I still cried. Yes, I cried. I love my little girl, love being with her, even with all the issues that this implies, and she deserves to be at home more often.
Now comes my biggest sadness: I am not in Montreal with my friends and family. My mother and father have both retired and would be glad to babysit her regularly, instead of having strangers do it. I have friends and family who beg to see my girls every time we go up and usually offer to babysit if we are around. And, more importantly, if we had to use daycare, which we would just for the social aspect, it would be...drum roll please...$7 a day! With state licensed daycares no less. They must adhere to certain specifications. So we could have our girls at day care 1 to 2 days a week (Total: $28 a week if for two days), 1 day with each of us, plus my parents or friends or other family members take care of them. They would also learn my mother tongue, French, a lot quicker. OK, so no guarantee me or Cindy could find a job, but I don't think it would be that hard, I believe I am employable and Cindy too.
We are here in the U.S., where it will cost $304 a week for daycare, with one day with me and one with Cindy. The other person who was suppose to help 3 years ago, desisted after promising to stay with Catherine one day a week. This person was unable to tell her work that it was more important to help out with her family than her work. This person has also been inconsistent in her help. Sure she helps financially, but honestly, I could not care less about money. I wanted a family member to help raise our children. This person has made it more of a point to be my children's friend than actually help us raise them. This person has also been unable to be there when we needed them. My children are only learning French from one person, which puts me in a hard position.
This person has been getting under my skin for several months, if not years now. This person has no ability to look me in the eye ever since that person desisted to help us one day a week. This person also was unable to help us in a crunch several times, and this person seems to be "put out" when we ask for help. I'll stop going after this person because I am getting more angry than sad. I am not use to this thought process of not helping family. I grew up raised by both my parents and my grandmother. In a crunch, aunts and uncles helped. We also had neighbors we could trust. I get sad thinking of what I left behind in Canada for family members in the U.S. who cannot be true to their word and does not help their own family. I get sad that my girls will probably never have the sense of family I had. I get sad that when I speak French to Catherine, she is getting more annoyed everyday. I get sad that my parents would absolutely KILL to be here everyday and some family members here take for granted that our kids are here. And finally, I get sad that my girls will be missing on family time 52 days a year, which boils down to 260 days over 5 years...almost a year of family time.
Sorry, not a lot of laughs tonight. More raw, more upset, more sad...but at least I do not lie!