Recently, I’ve noticed that more people are searching for their purpose. They have a feeling that there can be more to life, but are unsure where to start their journey. Many people have started their search and feel as though they’ll never find their life purpose. There’s so much to do in everyday life that there barely seems to be time to get the basics done. And besides, the world’s problems are so big and overwhelming, what can one person do?

Exploring what you want to do to have a positive impact on the world can be a fascinating and fulfilling process in itself. Here are five steps you can take to find your calling.

1.     Find your Big Thing

Look inwards to see what it is that fires you up. What are you passionate about in your life? What do you love doing? What you talk about for hours? What inspires you? Check your browser history and your reading list. Your Big Thing is right in front of you, all you have to do is claim it!

2.     Identify your superpower

Everyone has something they do where they excel. Write down all the things you’re good at, pick out the top one or two that stand out, the ones that you can offer right now. Instead of feeling helpless, recognize that you have a unique combination of experience and skill to offer the world. No one else in the history of the world can offer what you offer right now.

3.     Volunteer

Whatever your life purpose is, you want to have a positive impact on your community, right? Think about who you want to help. Do you relate to children, or seniors or single moms? Are your superpower skills useful for fundraising or writing submissions? Are you more comfortable as a hands-on career or assistant? Find an organization that could do with a helping hand, whether it’s pro bono work or hands-on volunteering.

4.     Bring it all together

Once you’ve identified your Big Thing, you know what your unique superpowers are and how you want to serve your community, you can connect the dots. What are the common themes? You might be passionate about human rights, be an excellent public speaker and choose to work pro bono as an advocate for your local Amnesty branch. Or you may offer free haircuts or styling to homeless people or the unemployed.

5.     Act!

Now you have your life purpose package you can swing into action. Look for opportunities to align your life purpose with tangible action out in the world. Be bold and resolve to do what you can where you can. You might not be able to achieve world peace, but you can make your community a better place.

We can all relate to regret. We’ve all failed to take full advantage of opportunities. We’ve all said and done things we wish we could take back. Last week I had to revisit a part a my life that didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. Feelings of regret and shame came into my awareness. As I spent some time sitting with those feelings, I realized that I can’t change the past, but I can make the future better than my past.

The key to overcoming regret is our ability to take complete responsibility for our actions. Here are a few tips that can improve your relationship with regret.

1. Be grateful. Regret involves looking back and focusing on what you did or didn’t do. Gratitude involves recognizing those things that are good in your life. Gratitude can be a good remedy for regret.

2. Avoid awful people. The last thing anyone needs is awful people in their life. You’ll have less regret if you surround yourself with kind, loving people. Jettison the people from your life that do more harm than good.

3. Decide what you’re going to do today. Put your attention on today and what you can accomplish. Regret has a way of filling our minds and our time. Bring your attention back to today and make the most of it.

4. Say that you’re sorry. If you did or said something that you regret, speak up and let them know you’re sorry. That might be the solution to your issue.

5. Find a path to improvement. If you’re feeling regret, there’s room for improvement in your life. Find a few things you can change that will decrease the odds of feeling regretful in the future. There’s always something that can be enhanced to make your life better.

6. Be bolder. Many of us regret not taking more chances in the past. You can prevent the same thing from happening in the future by being bold from this point forward.

7. Speak up next time. Do you regret not voicing your opinion? Ensure you speak up in the future. It’s not always easy to say what’s on your mind, but it’s not easy to live with not saying it, either. Be bold and just say it.

8. Make a plan for the future. Focus on building a life you enjoy and respect. Set a few goals and make something happen. Creating a great life is an effective way to deal with regret. The most important thing is to minimize the amount of regret you feel in the future.

9. Accept your current situation. Accept where you are. Once you accept your current position, you can move forward and create something new. There’s no point in fighting the current truth. Create a new truth.

10. Take responsibility. It easiest to just accept the fact that you’ve made mistakes and take responsibility for your regret. You can also take responsibility for your future.

Regrets accumulate over the years. Most regrets are related to failing to do something. We tend to regret those things we didn’t do more than the things we did do. Fear is the greatest cause of regret. Fear of failure. Fear of making a fool of ourselves.

There’s not a lot that can be done about missed opportunities, but there is a lot you can do to prevent future regrets. I invite you to be bold and be willing to apologize when necessary. Accept full responsibility for your life and be determined to make it a life that you enjoy.

I just spent the weekend with some great kids. And besides needing a nap, I realized that kids laugh… a lot! Don't you just love it when you hear kids laugh? I couldn’t help but laugh too! Laughter has got to be one of the most contagious of all human sounds. As it turns out, studies show that kids laugh nearly 400 times each day. Compare that to the average adult who laughs about 7 times each day. 

In fact, laughter has been shown to have many beneficial effects on the body, mind, and spirit.

Laughter effects on your body by releasing endorphins. Laughing stimulates muscles, nerves, organs and tissues. Studies show these endorphins give relief to chronic pain, help to relieve stress and promote functioning of the immune system. Laughter literally helps heal your body.

Laughing is also good for your mind. Happy thoughts lead to a more positive outlook on life. When you're hanging out with friends and having good conversation that produces smiles and laughter, your mind's producing happy thoughts.

Laughing causes your inner being to be emotionally and physically strengthened. When you laugh or even smile, your inner being is stimulated in an affirmative way, producing a more positive outlook on life. This helps your body produce more self-healing endorphins, which actually helps your body remain healthy and running optimally!

This got me thinking. I've been thinking - if it's so important, how can we all make sure we have more of it in our lives?

Now, I understand that (as an adult) laughing 400 times may cause folks around to think that you may be having a mental breakdown. But we can surely do better than 7.2 times in a day. Right? I invite you to intentionally add more laughter in to your day.

Here are some tips on how to make sure there's more humor in your life. And, if you will, please report back and tell me what worked best for you. Oh, and if you've got any good jokes, I'd love to hear them...

Try these 3 simple steps to add more laughter into your life.

Smile more: Train yourself to smile more and more, turn that frown upside down. Why not make a point of smiling at strangers on your journey to work every morning?

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh: Children are a real joy to have around, especially when they break out into infectious giggles. Why not spend more time with the people who bring fun and laughter into your world and leave the miserable people alone for a while?

Watch a funny movie, TV show or video clip of your favorite comedian: Or if you’ve got young children why not re-watch some old cartoon classics like ‘The Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote’ and roll around laughing in your pjs, I bet the kids would love it too?

So, go on make a date with yourself and put more smiles and laughter into your life.  

This question has some resonance with me. For a period of time in my life I kept people at arms length, even though I desired more meaningful relationships. Over time and with some intentional exploration, I found that I was keeping people away as a way to protect myself. I felt that being open and letting other close to me would result in me being hurt or embarrassed. But I’ve learned that our ability to be open and vulnerable is one of our greatest gifts. Being vulnerable often requires risk. However, building walls to protect ourselves removes much of the opportunity for a rich and fulfilling life. To have a meaningful life requires letting go of the need to control everything. How can you do this? The key is to let go of the idea that you have something to lose.

What fears do you have that limit your willingness to connect?

·       Fear of abandonment?

·       Fear of failure?

·       Fear of rejection?

·       Fear of making the wrong choice?

Understanding your fears will help you to identify the source of your trust issues so you can work through them and move forward.

Using these strategies will help you learn to trust again:

1.     Realize that it’s not always about you. It’s natural to feel slighted and mistreated. You might even feel that you’ve failed in some way. Everyone has issues that negatively affect the way they interact with others. Perhaps the other person is struggling. Avoid overreacting and taking it personally. If you’re constantly blaming yourself, consider making an effort to raise your self-esteem. Investing time in yourself can be the best investment you’ll ever make.

2.     Start small. Take new relationships slowly and trust a little at a time. Give a little trust and then allow the other person to earn more trust over time. Take care of yourself, but be reasonable. Seek improvement rather than perfection.

3.     Learn to trust yourself. We’re often too quick to remember our mistakes and to forget the great decisions we’ve made in the past. Remember the numerous times you’ve trusted others and been right. Trust yourself to make good decisions.

4.     Be trustworthy. The least trusting people are often the least trustworthy. We expect others to behave in a similar fashion to ourselves. Be someone worthy of trust and you’ll find it easier to trust others. Be the type of partner, friend, coworker, or family member that you’d like to have in your life.

5.     Expect to have your trust violated. People are highly variable. Even a single person can exhibit a wide variety of moods and attitudes. Everyone close to you will hurt you at some point. To expect anything else would be naive. Remember the times that you’ve hurt others. Focus on the fact that you’re a good person and probably didn’t mean to cause any pain. The sources of your mistrust were probably of a similar nature. Be willing to forgive and expect forgiveness from others.

6.     Learn from the past. Was it possible to foresee or prevent any past transgressions against you? Did you trust too quickly? Did you ignore any obvious warning signs? Were you too impulsive? What can you learn and apply to the future?

7.     Learn to let go. If you focus on your fears and the negative parts of your past relationships, it will be extremely difficult to have healthy relationships in the future. The past is over. Learn from it and look forward. Avoid allowing regret to taint your present and future.

8.     Enhance your communication skills. Failed expectations lead to feelings of mistrust. Ensure that you’re communicating your needs and expectations clearly. It’s not fair to expect others to read your mind. Avoid making people guess about what’s important to you. Tell them!

All relationships have rough patches from time to time. Relationships with your romantic partner, friends, coworkers, and family members are all susceptible to feelings of mistrust. Many of your acquaintances may let you down. The ability to learn, move on, and trust again is invaluable. I invite you to be brave and move forward toward a brighter future.

Do you remember how you felt when you had a tough day and a stranger smiled at you?  Or the time you helped your neighbor carry in her groceries and how she still thanks you for it? Each of these small acts of kindness can make a huge impact on someone’s life.

Small actions often lead to giant ripples. One small action can completely change the life of someone who then performs a kindness for someone else. And the cycle continues and grows.

No matter how big or small the kindness is, it’s likely to have a big impact on your own mental health. According to psychologists and researchers, the smallest acts of kindness can create a rebound effect on not only the receiver’s psyche but your own as well.

For example, a smile increases the level of comfort of the person being smiled at, as well as, making them happier. It puts you in a better mood as well. That simple smile could be the reason someone is lifted out of despair.

Tiny acts of kindness can make a change in two ways; they are the catalyst for others to start invoking their own small kindnesses and they have a contagious affect on others. In other words, when we carry out tiny acts of kindness, other people see them, and they are then inspired to demonstrate kindness.

Let’s look at another example. If you are friendly to the bus driver, he then in turn will be more likely to be more considerate to the next passenger. That passenger is more likely to go home and have a positive conversation with their family.

People who have a tendency to practice small acts of kindness are more likely to take action in bigger ways as well.

Here are ten ways small acts can have an impact.

1.     Learn first aid. Learning first aid principles can help you be prepared to act if someone needs help in an emergency.

2.     Be a part of a community clean up. Help clean up a park, neighborhood or local beach area.

3.     Donate toys to the local prison or women’s shelter.

4.     Donate flowers to someone in need in places like hospices, care homes or women’s homes.

5.     Cook a hot meal for a neighbor.

6.     Leave snacks in the break room.

7.     Volunteer at your local Girl Scouts/Boy Scouts, YMCA, or Boys and Girls Clubs.

8.     Donate books to your local library or to children in need.

9.     Remove single use plastic from your life. Recycle plastics and other recyclables.

10. Leave uplifting notes in self help books at your local bookstore or library.

Whatever you choose to do, each tiny act of kindness can have a big impact on others in ways you may never imagine. Each tiny act is observed and passed along to another making it grow into something miraculous.

I was recently asked for some advice about how to be a stronger self-advocate. Learning to be assertive is one of the most important life skills you can develop. Studies have shown that being assertive can lead to a whole host of benefits, from increased self-confidence to better relationships and improved mental and physical health.

Before you start, it’s important to understand what being assertive means. Psychologists define assertiveness as being able to express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view while respecting the rights and beliefs of others. The basis of assertiveness is mutual respect and honesty. Assertive communicators are straightforward and know how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Their relationships value and promote trust.

If you’re serious about living an authentic life and succeeding in reaching your goals, learning to be assertive is crucial. Think about how you feel about your life right now. Are you satisfied with your personal and professional situation? Do you avoid conflicts? Do you worry about what other people think of you? If you’re not happy with where you are now, the good news is that assertiveness is a habit that can be learned just like any other. With practice and commitment, you can change your mindset and live a life more aligned with your true values and aspirations.

Try these tips for introducing a more assertive approach into your life:

·        Decide what your priorities are and stick to them.

·        Work out your individual boundaries.

·        Develop a positive open posture and look people in the eye when you speak to them.

·        Use positive ‘I’ statements about how you’re feeling instead of blaming or finding fault with the other person. Be especially wary of feeling tempted to say, ‘you always’ or ‘you never.’

·        Get comfortable with saying ‘no’ to things you don’t want to or can’t do. Keep it simple and non-emotive and don’t feel you need to add an excuse or explanation.

·        Only use ‘sorry’ when it’s appropriate for the situation. You don’t need to apologize for saying no.

·        Offer alternative suggestions to proposals you don’t like.

·        Look for compromises.

·        Be honest and direct about your feelings, thoughts, and intentions.

·        Consider writing a script for a situation that feels awkward. Rehearse being confident.

Keep your focus on the impact of the situation and finding a way to work together to find a mutually satisfying solution.

Above all, being assertive means staying in your power, accepting that you have control over how you approach the situation and your feelings about it. Assertiveness won’t get you everything you want all the time, but you will feel in control and deal much better with situations that would have previously been stressful.

Every now and then, you may ponder the complexities and maybe even some chaos in your life. You might struggle to figure out what's next. Maybe you feel confused at times about which way to go. When I’ve wrestled with what I should do next, this question has helped me to focus on what I think is important. In short, it helps me to determine my priorities. If you have you thought about setting your life priorities to make your life easier, here are some things to consider:

When you're struggling to determine what's important to you, it's hard to make decisions. What will you do next? Where will you go for the evening? Who will you choose to pass the time with?

Feeling torn between two or more people, places, or ideas is common if you haven't yet identified your priorities. After all, when you consider everything and everyone in your life as all-equal in terms of their "level" of importance, it's going to be tough to choose what to do next.

Setting your life priorities is a way of identifying what's most important to you. Once you determine your priorities, you'll be pleased with the ease of making decisions and the serenity that comes with knowing you did the right thing.

Establishing priorities also gives you a clearer focus on how to allot your time. If you allot the bulk of your time to doing what's most important with the most important people in your life, you'll feel more fulfilled and satisfied with your life experiences.

Common Life Priorities

What might your priorities be? The possibilities are endless. In the list below, you'll find many common priorities in no particular order. Feel free to use the list as inspiration to help you figure out your own priorities.

• Family

• Finances

• Friends

• Extended family

• Work

• Hobbies

• Personal appearance

• Health and physical exercise/activities

• Nutritious eating

• "Alone-time" with partner

• Quality time with the children

• Playing games on the internet

• Talking on the phone

• Watching television

Example of a "Prioritized" Listing of Life Priorities

The whole idea of setting priorities is to put the many elements of your life into an order, with those that are most important to you at the top. Knowing your highest priority on the list is necessary in order to make focused, wise decisions that are right for you.

Consider this next list, which is prioritized, as an example of someone's life priorities (in order).

1. Family

2. Alone-time with partner

3. Work

4. Health and physical exercise

5. Nutritious eating

6. Friends

7. Watching television

8. Personal appearance

9. Hobbies - movies and reading

Coming Up With Your Own Priorities

Setting your priorities in life may take time and effort. However, taking the time to reflect on your day-to-day life and determine what's on the top of your list will make your life so much easier. Once your priorities are clear to you, decisions on how to spend your time and with who will be a cinch.

Engaging in this exercise of figuring out your priorities might reveal some things that shock or surprise you. For example, you might realize that you're spending most of your time hanging out with friends even though you feel that your family is more important. Or you aren't taking as much care with your kids as you thought you were.

Regardless of what you discover, setting your priorities now will help you limit or even remove the less-important elements of your life and enable you to focus more fully on what means the most to you.

You can live more joyfully by setting your life priorities. Knowing what's important to you and devoting your time to those things at the top of your list will ensure you experience an enriched and fulfilled life. Set your life priorities today.

Free Yourself

Tips to overcome your fears

When I think of my personal demons, the two that come to mind for me are; Fear and self-doubt. I used to think that these feeling were unique to me, but come to find out, the feelings of fear and self-doubt are extremely common, and are two of the biggest obstacles to success and happiness.

Some people feel more fear and self-doubt than others. And, some are better at overcoming these emotions than others. Regardless of where you fall on the fear/self-doubt spectrum, there are many things you can do to rise above these emotions. If this is something you’d like to tackle, here is process that may help you get started:

Identify what you’re actually afraid of. What do you really fear? Most of us don’t have to worry about being eaten by tigers. Our lives are rarely in danger. The most common fears in a modern society are failure and making a fool out of one’s self. Of course, there are others;

• If you want to start a business, but can’t seem to get started, what is your real concern

• Maybe you want to ask someone out on a date. What is the real fear? They certainly aren’t going to hit you over the head with a rock.

• Be aware of your actual fear, and then you’ll have a chance of addressing it.

Find situations related to your fear that are only mildly uncomfortable. Perhaps you have a fear of public speaking. What could you do that’s similar, but less terrifying? You could:

• Give a speech to a group of friends

• Start conversations with strangers

• Visualize yourself giving a speech

• Do more group activities and speak up more

Take action. Thinking creates and magnifies fear. Taking action lessens fear. One of the best ways to get over fear is to immediately take action before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it. I have found that most people would be more successful, happier, and less afraid if they thought less and did more. This has been especially true in my life.

Visualize yourself being unafraid. Imagine you have a twin that’s similar to you, but different in other ways. If you could build the perfect twin, what would they be like? What skills, beliefs, and attitudes would they have? How would they handle the situation that creates fear in you? Now, allow yourself to become that twin.

Give yourself small successes. Set yourself up to win. Make the game so easy that you can’t fail. As you gain confidence, up the stakes a little. Get used to being successful in the situations that cause you to feel fear.

• If the thought of making 100 cold calls a day makes you break out in a cold sweat, give yourself the goal of making just one cold call. The next day, you can do three.

• Show yourself that you can do it. Show yourself that nothing bad is going to happen to you.

Be realistic. What is the worst consequence you are likely to endure if the thing you fear comes true? It’s probably not anything you can’t handle! What happens if the publisher rejects your book? What if your speech doesn’t go well? What’s actually going to happen to you? Will you still be safe? Will your family still love you?

Get help. Whether you need some help from a friend or a professional, there’s no shame in getting help. You would get help if your car’s engine blew up. You’d get help if you had a broken leg. Get the help you need to deal with your fears.

How much you allow fear and self-doubt to rule your life has a direct affect on your overall happiness and sense of resilience.  Imagine what your life would be like if you could overcome all of your fears and self-doubt. As humans; we are wired to avoid the actions that trigger these uncomfortable feelings. But we can do better. We can act in the face of these emotions and live our lives to the fullest.

Solitude

Your secret weapon

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that I’ve become much more of an introverted person. I get energized by spending time alone. This provides me a sense of freedom that I was lacking in my day-to-day life.

This is much different from my younger days. When I was by myself, I felt uncomfortable and lonely. Regardless of how you currently feel about solitude, there are many benefits to be gained by spending some time alone each day.

If you’re uncomfortable with being alone, I invite you to explore why. Try spending a few hours alone, without distractions, and pay attention to see what thoughts and feelings arise.

Consider these benefits of spending some time alone:

1. You can do whatever you want. You get to do whatever you want when you’re alone. This can be a blessing if you have a spouse and children! Imagine, you can: Eat what you want, control the TV remote and the radio station, or take a nap. Make the most of the time you have alone, and you’ll grow to love having a little solitude in your life.

2. It’s easier to concentrate. Have you ever noticed how much more you can get done when everyone is out of your hair? It doesn’t matter if it’s at home or at work. Being alone is a great time to tackle those projects you never seem to have time to do.

3. You learn more about yourself in solitude. It’s much more difficult to be self-aware if you never spend any time by yourself. Your thought processes become more apparent when you’re not distracted by others. Ideally, spend an extended period of time by yourself each year. You could go camping or backpacking by yourself. You could even just stay at home and let everyone know you’re not available.

4. You become more compassionate. When you constantly hang out with the same people, you naturally develop a feeling of “us versus them.” You’ll be more compassionate toward others if you regularly spend some time alone.

5. Creativity increases during periods of solitude. There’s a reason why artists, musicians, writers, and other creative types go into isolation when it’s time to create. Your mind is much freer to wander and develop new ideas. Most people aren’t nearly as creative as they could be.

6. A little solitude makes you happier. Several studies have shown that people that regularly have some time to themselves are happier than those that don’t.

7. You can think deep thoughts. It’s hard to think about your life in a deep and meaningful way when you’re surrounded by others. Your alone time is the perfect opportunity to work on your bigger challenges, make big decisions, and ponder the meaning of life.

To get the most benefit from this practice, schedule periods of solitude into your day. Avoid just using whatever free time you happen to have for solitude. It’s important enough to deliberately plan into your day. And avoid just scheduling alone time. Plan on how you’re going to use that time. Be productive with your periods of solitude.

I’ve found that some alone time is a blessing. If you currently aren’t able to spend some time with yourself, I invite you to make time. It can be one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Your creativity will increase. You can tackle big challenges. You can even just do whatever you feel like doing!

Make the most of the time you have alone. It’s one of life’s great pleasures. Enjoy your solitude and be thankful for it.

Legacy

Start with end in mind

Have you ever met someone who is crystal clear about what they want in life? These people act with purpose and seem to be “going places”. I’ve been lucky enough to have met a few of these folks in my life and have found that they all have one thing in common; They live their life with the end in mind.

We all have a limited time on this planet. Yet, most of us live our lives day-to-day, with maybe a vague idea of where we want to go. We may make short-term plans like; attending college, but few of us plan our lives thinking about how to make the most of our lives; what we want our life to have meant; what we are remembered for.

This can lead to feeling like we’ve left too many things undone or failed to live life with enthusiasm or purpose. The good news is that you can live a fulfilling life, a life worthy of admiration, you just need to discover your legacy and then start living it. Here are a few strategies to help you get started:

1.    Determine your core values: Figure out what’s most important to you. Take your time. You only have one life so make it as meaningful as possible. What truly matters to you?

2.    Start with the end in mind: Imagine you’re on your death bed. Where are you? Are you living in a mansion with a private nurse? In a nursing home? In a modest family home? Who is with you? Close family? Do you have a string of friends, family, and admirers stopping by to pay their respects?

3.    Take a look backwards: What will your life have been about? Spreading peace throughout the world? Building a real estate empire? Traveling the world and learning about different cultures? Mastering the piano? Becoming the most powerful person in your city? Living a well-rounded life with a close-knit family?Make a list of everything you want to do, have, and accomplish over the course of your lifetime. What great cause do you want to represent? What would make you proud?

4.    Look at your calendar: Imagine your average weekday and weekend day. If you continued living this way for the rest of your life, where would you end up? Are you on the path to living the legacy you desire?

5.    Determine the first step: What do you need to do first? Create a set of goals with the ultimate end in mind. Create a starting goal that can begin working on immediately. For example, imagine one of your goals is to climb Mount Everest. Your set of goals might look like:

• Join a gym and get into great shape.

• Start saving money. Equipment and traveling are expensive.

• Get a passport.

• Take a mountaineering course on Mt Rainier that will prepare me for my next climb.

• Climb Ecuadorian volcanoes.

• Climb Mt Aconcagua.

• Climb Mt. McKinley.

• Climb Mt. Cho Oyu.

• Climb Mt Everest.

6.    Get started: This can be the hardest part. Building a business empire can seem out of reach when you only have $158 in the bank, but your journey is all about progress not perfection. It’s just going to take a hard work and patience.

7.    Have a clear vision: Avoid getting discouraged by unexpected setbacks and obstacles. Focus on your vision and celebrate your progress. Every step is a step closer to your legacy.   

You can create a life that is exciting and fulfilling. Dream big, be bold, and get started today to make your new reality.

“You Can Never Leave Footprints That Last If You Are Always Walking On Tiptoe.”

-Leymah Gbowee, Liberian peace activist

Self-Compassion

is the key.

It’s surprising to me how many people I meet are stumped by this question. As adults, most of us are conditioned to focus on the things that we want to improve or change. This makes it very difficult for us to even consider something that we love about ourselves. This was not always the case. I find that when kids are asked the same question, they have no problems coming up with several things that they love about themselves.

I think the key to seeing things that you love about yourself is seeing yourself with compassion. It’s fairly common that we are taught to have compassion towards others, but not towards ourselves. Self-compassion seems like a strange idea to many of us, indulgent or selfish even. But recent studies reveal that developing more compassion for yourself will make you happier and more successful at reaching your goals. Here are some of the benefits of self-compassion and ways to begin to see yourself in a new light.

Benefits of Having Compassion for Yourself

1.    Experience greater happiness: Self-compassion means valuing yourself and treating yourself well. You're bound to feel better when you remove negative self-talk and become a better friend to yourself.

2.    Accomplish our goals more easily: There's no need to criticize yourself to eliminate bad habits. Accept your flaws and focus on action plans that are realistic for you. If you break your diet, start again with the next meal. If you're denied one job opening, beef up your resume so you're ready for the next opening.

3.    Become more resilient: Accept that life is full of ups and downs; take them in stride instead of being derailed by self-pity. You'll bounce back faster when you realize that challenges and setbacks are as inevitable as rainy days.

4.    Feel more motivated: When you learn to value yourself, you'll feel more committed to making investments in your future. Giving yourself the freedom to make mistakes reduces the anxiety that holds you back from trying new things.

5.    Feel more connected with others: The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer suggested that we call each other "my fellow sufferer." When we realize that we all want to be happy but struggle to create happiness, we recognize how much we have in common with everyone around us.

6.    Express more compassion towards others: If you're gentle with yourself, you're more apt to carry that mindset into your interaction with loved ones and strangers. You'll be mindful of the challenges we all face and have a stronger desire to help others.

Methods for Developing More Self-Compassion

1.    Dispel the myths about self-compassion: You may associate being gentle with being lazy or weak. But with compassion, you're channeling your time and energy into constructive activities rather than beating up on yourself.

2.    Take charge of your emotions: Accepting disappointments as part of life enables you to remain at peace. You can accept your true feelings without letting them overwhelm you.

3.    Change your self-talk: We sometimes say things to ourselves that we would regard as too hurtful to say to anyone else. Focus on giving yourself practical suggestions rather than calling yourself names.

4.    Relax: Create an environment where you can generate compassion. Reduce stress and transition into a better frame of mind with meditation or soft music.

5.    Treat yourself to something nice: Just like you bring a meal over to a sick friend, look for ways to be your own benefactor. Brew a cup of your favorite tea or commiserate with yourself if you get stuck in heavy traffic.

6.    Surround yourself with positive role models: If you feel like you've been conditioned to be harsh with yourself as the only way to get results, you may need to surround yourself with reminders to stay on your new path. Observe people who seem compassionate and adapt their methods to your own situation. Read books or take a workshop on compassion.

It's easier to overcome difficult situations when you learn to cherish and comfort yourself. Practicing self-compassion will bring you greater peace of mind and a higher quality of life.  Try it out and see if you feel a difference.

Personal Values

Understanding is the key.

I’ve found that the times in my life when I’ve felt the most unsure are also the times in my life when I’ve been unclear of my personal values. The better I understand my personal values, the more centered I feel and the better I can make decisions. Having a clear understanding of our personal values is important for both happiness and success. Without this information we won't know what really matters and we’re likely to be in conflict with our life goals. This can be unfulfilling and stressful.

By having a clear understanding of our values, we can more easily find motivation and sustain the enthusiasm and drive needed to achieve our goals. We also use our personal values to evaluate our actions. For example, typically when we act in way that is not aligned with our values we feel out of sorts.

Here are some tips to live in alignment with your values.

Define your values.

Personal value are those things that are most important you, those things that must be true for you to lead a happy and fulfilled life. your values are also the things that really motivate you would you are living in accordance with your personal values you fight like a filling and satisfying.

Values are not set in stone, but they can change over time. If you think back over your life, you may be able see that what you valued as a teenager may have changed a bit as your matured. When you were a child or values probably came from your parents or other significant adults. Later, your peers and social environment influenced your personal values. As an adult, it’s important to examine your personal values and ensure that they are still serving you and the goals that you have. If they aren’t, it’s possible to change them.

Take an inventory.

We’re going to make two lists. For the first list, write down all the values that are important to you. Don’t think too much at this stage. This should be a very quick exercise. Just write down 15-20 values that pop into your head. If you’d some help with getting started, just click here for a list of over 80 values. VALUES LIST

It’s common to feel that you should hold a certain value. This may be because your family or friends hold this value. But it doesn’t mean that value is right for you. For the second list, sit quietly and think about what is really important in life for you. To help with this process, remember a time in your life when you felt a spark, when you felt super motivated, maybe to learn a new skill, or go on an adventure, or meet a new person. Many times, those feelings are a personal value. Go through this process several times until you have list of 5-10 values.

Now compare the two lists and take note of any values that are the same. These values are central to you. You nay also find that there are several values that are similar or overlap; for instance, honesty and trustworthiness. Combine any overlapping values under the term that is most compelling to you.

From this process, you should have a list 4 to 8 value that accurately describe what is important to you in your life.

Now that you have a clear view your personal values you can spend some time thinking about what actions that you can take to demonstrate those values in your life. You can also use these values as a lens to examine different parts of your life and determine if your actions are taking you closer to living that value or further away.

Now that you understand what’s important to you in life, I encourage you to filter your decisions through your values. Start with very small decisions to practice. After a while, when you need to make an important decision, you’ll be ready.

Improve your life

Make a new friend

I recently read a study from the University of Pennsylvania that clearly established a causal link between the use of social media and loneliness and depression. It’s ironic that an industry that promised to connect us to others (read this as “make friends”) is responsible for making us feel lonelier and more depressed. 

That got me thinking about the last time that I made a friend in real life. In my adult life, I’ve made tons of colleagues and coworkers, but a friend?  Very few. This is curious because I know that research tells us that forming friendships produces several personal benefits. These include; boosting happiness; increasing a sense of belonging; reducing stress; improving self-worth; and helps to cope with trauma.

I’ve spent a lot of my career focused on youth development and I’ve observed that, for most kids, making a friend is a straight-forward process. But as an adult, this process can be much more complicated. It’s not like you can walk up to a stranger and say, “Wanna play on the swings with me?” without getting treated like an insane person.

But don’t worry, I’ve been able to take some best practices that kids use successfully everyday and adjust them for adults. So, if you’d like to make a new a new friend, as an adult, give these steps a try.

Step 1: Ask fantastic questions.

Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves and the best way to get people to talk about themselves is to ask questions. But not the same old questions that you’ve asked at almost every social situation. Questions like, “What do you do for work?” or “What brings you to this event?” are not only boring, they communicate that you really don’t want to get know this person. You’re just trying to avoid being rude.

Instead, come up with questions that you’d be excited to answer. Think of questions that would help get to know someone better. For me, I like to ask questions like, “If you could have a super-power, what would it be?” or “What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this week?” These types of questions signal that you’re curious and open to real conversations.

After you’ve started a wonderful conversation with your unique questions, it’s time to share things about yourself. Be careful, how we share about ourselves can either attract or repel people. Asking questions without sharing is an interview, not a conversation.

Step 2: Find common ground.

For friendships to form, there needs to be some affinity or shared interests. Connections made when there is an overlap of roles or affiliations from different social contexts are called multiplex ties and according to sociologists, there are very important in creating friendships. This is because it speaks to us on a practical and an emotional level. At the practical level, it’s great to have a friend who enjoys the same activities that you do, and shared interests provide a sense of comfort and validation on an emotional level.

Friendship grows on common ground. Finding common ground doesn’t mean that you’re looking for a clone of yourself. It also doesn't mean that friendship won’t develop with someone who has different interests or comes from a different background than you. It just means understanding that friendships start with connection. To make friends, you need to discover those places of overlap.

Step 3: Extend an invitation.

Asking fantastic questions opens the door, and discovering common ground helps us to see who’s likely to walk through the door. The last step is to spend time together so friendship can grow.

Extending an invitation doesn’t refer to the next big event in your life. Don’t wait for your anniversary party or birthday celebration. Every day opportunities to extend invitations to other people are much more likely to help a grow a friendship. Think of inviting the other person to an activity that revolves around your newly discovered shared interests. This will help your new friend associate you with fun. And shared fun moves friendships forward.

I encourage you to take a chance and make a new friend. Use these ideas or tell me ones that you’ve had success with. Remember that all the growth that you have in your life, happened when you stepped outside of your comfort zone.

Letting go is tough.

Acceptance is the key.

Letting go can be a frightening topic for some. Throughout our life, we’re conditioned not only hold on to things, but to accumulate more. So, it’s not surprising that the idea of letting something go can feel foreign. This conditioning leads us to hold to things, even when they are no longer useful to us.

We keep toxic people in our lives, we embrace dis-empowering ideas, we save stuff that we haven’t used in years. (btw. I’m a huge Marie Kondo fan) It seems we are just not wired to “let go”.

I encourage you to examine people, ideas, and stuff in your life. If you find that some of the these things just don’t serve you anymore and you’d like to let them go, these steps may help you.

Step 1: Accept yourself, Accept reality

For many, letting go is hard because we don’t want to accept reality. When we feel negative emotions, we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not real. We may look the other way or look for ways to forget. This can lead to a feeling that our problems have disappeared, but this is short-lived. Denying reality only creates a temporary sense of peace.

The first step in letting go is to accept who you are and where you are right now. Be kind to yourself. There’s no need to criticize or judge. You are where you are and that’s cool. Honor and explore your feelings. Evaluate the underlying beliefs that produce these negative emotions. You may uncover beliefs or “stories” like, “our family is unlucky”. Or “I’m just not a happy person”. We may not realize that we cling to things that are no longer useful, because we have dis empowering, untrue, or toxic underlying beliefs that are preventing us from growing.

By practicing some self-compassion and accepting yourself, you can more easily accept reality. This is acceptance is often the seed of change that will allow you to grow into your future self.

Step 2: Move through the pain

This step may seem counter-intuitive. To let things go, you have to move towards (and through) the bad practice, not away from it. It’s a very human desire to want to avoid our problems. But this only creates distance from the stress and pain, it doesn’t get rid of it.

Let the bad things in. Don’t push away negative emotions or bad practices. Absorb these emotions.  When you let them in, they are no longer abstract and nebulous. They become definable and known. These emotions lose a lot of their power through this process.

Step 3: Set your direction

We humans are blessed/cursed with the ability to choose. We constantly make choices that generate. This change may be good or bad, thoughtful or thoughtless. Without setting a direction that we’d like to our life to follow, we can easily pick up bad practices, like bingeing too much TV or stopping your workout routine. To let go of bad practices or to add good practices depends on our ability to intentionally set a direction.

Use your wiring to your advantage. Describe the exact practice that you want to let go and then describe the practice that you want to replace it with. This way your brain doesn’t see this as a loss, just a substitution. Think about how you want to feel emotionally and physically. Focus your attention to the new feelings that you want in your life, not on what you want to let go of. For example, focus on experiencing feelings of joy or freedom, instead of focusing on not feeling criticism or self-doubt.

The path to letting go begins and ends with radical acceptance who you are and that you can choose the direction of your life.

Shine your light.

So many are in the dark.

For this thought experiment, I want to focus on people in our actual lives. Not celebrities, or politicians. Just folks that we interact with every day.

If you’re lucky, you have someone in your life who you crave to spend time with. Someone who, after you’ve spent some time together, leaves you feeling more energized, more alive, more you. These very special folks seem to have an emotional gravity to the that just naturally pulls others to them. These are the same people who you hope you’ll see, or you hope will be at an event that you’re attending.

Unfortunately, I can almost guarantee that you have someone in your life whom you dread seeing. Someone who seems to suck the life out of a room and after your conversation is over, you feel less energized, less alive, and less you.  People will tend to avoid this type of person. No kidding!

I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering… Do I inspire or discourage?  How can we be more inspiring to others? In my experience, the short answer is to be more inspired yourself.

There are tons of traits that inspiring people have. Some folks may be inspired by a physical prowess, or by tales of beating the odds, or by financial success. Every human trait could be seen by someone as inspiring.

But there are two things all inspiring people share.  They have two core beliefs. They believe in themselves and they believe in others. When they speak of their ambitions, it is with great passion, optimism and enthusiasm. When they speak about others, it’s with admiration and joy.

Here are a few tips on how you can develop your inspiration muscle and become a beacon for others:

Follow your own path.

We’re inspired by those who dare to stand out from the crowd, follow their dreams, and live authentically. When you pursue your passion, others are encouraged to take a leap and follow their dreams.

Be authentic.

Share your successes and your failures. When you only talk about your successes, you become unrelatable. Most people have suffered some level of loss in pursuit of their goals and can’t identify with someone who’s always won. By being authentic, you can help people avoid pitfalls and make their path a little easier. Your authenticity may inspire them to keep going even when it’s tough or the outlook is bleak.

Share your inspiration.

Inspiring other people starts with you. You can’t share a flame you don’t have. To be inspirational, you must first be inspired. Share the quotes, stories, art, people, foods that inspire you. Share your story, the reason you do that you do. Talk about the impact you want to have, the people you want to reach, and the solutions that you hope to bring. Inspiration is contagious. As you share the things that motivate and encourage you, those around you may also become inspired.

Help others.

Life tends to knock us around and take the wind out of our sails. Be the voice of unconditional support for someone. Help others to see (and be) the best version of themselves. We all can demonstrate compassion and be a source of positivity.  

I believe that inspiration is in short supply and that most of have forgotten that we are brilliant. So, I encourage you to tap into your light and purposely shine it on people who cross your path. All you really need to be inspiring is desire, the rest will follow.

Shine on!

Make you a priority

If you’re anything like me, it seems like your schedule’s getting more crowded, your days are more hectic, and even the weekends are filled chores. It’s no secret that life is bursting with stressors, most of which you can’t eliminate. I guess that’s what makes them a stressor.

To combat this daily tension and gain some peace, I started practicing some activities to relieve stress; meditation, hitting the gym (actually, not the gym, I go to the Y), bubble baths with candles (don’t judge), or the occasional walk in nature. But I found that these activities had a fleeting effect on my sense of peace. What was I missing?

Turns out, that I could do stress relief activities all day long and it won’t help if I’m not taking care of myself. Focusing on stress-relief was short-sighted and ineffective at giving me the feeling of sustained peace that I was looking for. After some research, I’ve discovered that to achieve a more effective and sustainable level of peace in my life, I ‘ll want to focus on the concept of self-care.

Psychologists define self-care as “a multidimensional, multifaceted process of purposeful engagement in strategies that promote healthy functioning and enhance well-being.”

Self-care is about creating a resiliency that allows you to handle the stressors in life and bounce back quickly from set-backs. I know what you’re thinking,

“Who has time for self-care? Isn’t that a little indulgent?”

I get it. That’s how I felt too. I was overwhelmed, tired, and felt like I couldn’t handle what life was throwing at me. But I also felt that this couldn’t continue. So, I decided to give self-care a try.

Let’s get into the basics of self-care. It’s important to understand that there are five areas to consider when addressing the care of self. These areas are: Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Social, and Emotional.

PHYSICAL SELF CARE

This is the area that I think should be your highest priority. If your body’s not working well, the rest really doesn’t matter. Managing your health has a significant effect on all the other areas of your life. Physical self-care activities would include:

          Getting enough sleep

          Fueling your body with proper foods

          Moving everyday

          Engaging with experts (Doctors, Dentists, etc.)

MENTAL SELF CARE

Your mind creates your reality. Your mental well-being has a direct bearing on how you experience life. Mental self-care would include:

          Engaging in activities that mentally stimulate you

          Practicing self-compassion and acceptance

          Participating in a meditation practice

SPIRITUAL SELF CARE

Research has shown that people whose lifestyle includes religion or spirituality are generally healthier. Spiritual self-care is anything that nurtures your spirit. It may or may not involve organized religion. Anything that helps you develop a deeper connection to the universe, or a more profound sense of meaning will do the trick. Here’s a few things to consider when developing your spiritual life:

          How do you think about your life experiences?

          What questions do you ask yourself about your experiences?

          Do any of the activities that you engage in fulfill your spirit?

SOCIAL SELF CARE

As humans, we are hard-wired to connect with others. But, when we get busy, it’s easy to neglect the relationships in our life. Close connections are import to your well-being. It requires that you put time and effort into creating and maintaining close relationships. There isn’t a recommended number of hours you should devote to your relationships. What is clear is that time on “social” media does very little to fulfill this human need. (In Real Life people!) Think about what your social needs are and be sure to create enough time in your weekly schedule to make it happen. You can ask yourself these questions when assessing your social needs:

Do you feel like you’re getting enough face-to-face time with the people you care about? Are you getting too much?  

What are you doing to nurture your relationships?

When’s the last time you made a new friend?

EMOTIONAL SELF CARE

We all have emotions that make us feel uncomfortable. Developing healthy coping skills to handle emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety is very important. Creating time and a process to help you work through your feelings is a good start to incorporating emotional self-care into your life. Emotional self-care activities would include:

          Activities that help you acknowledge and express your feelings

Talking with a close friend or partner

Engaging in physical activities that help you process your emotions

Participating in professionally led support groups 

In the end, caring for yourself is the most impactful thing that you can do. So, develop a self-care strategy. Everyone is different so come up with a plan that feels right for you.

Look at the five areas of your life and determine which ones may need your attention now. As your life changes, be sure to reassess and adjust your strategy. Don’t try to tackle everything at once. Start small, add new practices as you go. The key is to make YOU a priority. Caring for yourself will make you more impactful, more peaceful, more you. Know this: the universe desperately needs you at full YOU. Don’t let the universe down.

Shine On!

One small change

that will actually help!

Recently, a lot of folks have asked for my guidance on some form of this question. As they share more about their question, it becomes clear that they believe this feeling is getting in their way of fully experiencing life.  This feeling is called social anxiety and it’s very common in the US. In fact, it affects over 15 million Americans each year. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that one in eight adults experience social anxiety sometime during their life.

When you feel nervous, tense or uncomfortable in social situations, it’s helpful to know that

we ALL get anxiety. Sure, some of us get it worse than others, but it affects every single one of us. The question is, how do you let it affect you?

The key to overcoming anxiety is not to completely eliminate it, but simply to not allow it to affect you negatively. Instead of trying to get rid of your anxiety, your goal should be to learn to accept it, embrace it, and continue doing all the things you want to do–not despite anxiety, but in the face of anxiety.

Here’s something that has helped me and may help you.

SHIFT YOUR FOCUS

A lot of times, when I have felt nervous or anxious in social situations, I’ve noticed that I’ve been hyper-focused on myself. My mind in chattering a way with thoughts like: What are hands doing? Do I sound dumb? Did my stomach just growl? This inward focus tends to reinforce a negative and untrue story that I’m awkward when meeting people. Though I acknowledge that this story may have been created to protect me at some point in my life, it is now much less useful for me.

When I shift my focus to others and engage my curiosity, I give my mind something else to do (besides self-criticism). When I focus on others, I’m actively listening and learning about someone else and their experiences. I’m asking questions and discovering common interests. Before long, I’m having a wonderful conversation and not thinking about my over-sized feet at all.

Be patient and remember that this is a journey. By making this small shift you’ll notice real progress.