Things I think about...and other things too.

I Bought a Bike

2016-03-10T06:53:00.002-08:00

In my ever increasing attempts at staying active, for fear of being fat again, I decided that driving to work was a waste of money, and so I decided to buy a bike and just bike to the train station and get in some cardio every day. So I started shopping around for bicycles. What I learned is that because I am cursed with being very tall and large in stature, like my brother before me, is that I wasn't going to find a good deal on a bike, because I had to get an XL frame which apparently no one has at a cheap price, because everyone caters to the "average" height/weight biker. Which is ridiculous. I feel like it is some kind of prejudice against larger than average people. Needless to say I had to bite the bullet and go to the local bike shop and buy a new bike that was actually big enough to support my statureness.

Once I got to the bike shop I tell the guy what I need and they set me up with a bike. I ended up getting a $420 hybrid bike, because, who knows, I could end up doing a little bit of off roading, and I wanted to make absolutely certain that I would have a bike that would support those kinds of situations while being smoothish like a road bike. So I buy the bike and a bike lock, and start riding the bike to work the next day, and every thing seemed fine. The bike rides just fine, and I am happy with my purchase.

The second day of riding to work I am in a hurry and while I am going over all of the speed bumps in my neighborhood, of which there are many, because old people - who are a different problem entirely. I swear the old people in this neighborhood should probably be living in a care facility somewhere and not by themselves in a neighborhood fraught with young fast driving whipper-snappers and ethnic diversity. Seriously, in my col-de-sac alone there are upper-middle class white people, blue collar hispanic families, single rich kids like me, and Polynesians. This is old person hell. Why are they living there? Anyway, lots of speed bumps. So as I am going over these speed bumps my handlebars start moving around, and I don't have time to go back home and get my tools to tighten them up. So I just got to deal with loose handlebars all day. It was pretty terrible. So feel bad for me.

Once I had tightened up my handle bars I went to work out and sat on my weight bench and felt an annoying aching pain in my bike seat area of my body. The bike seat wasn't super comfortable, but I didn't notice that it was actually painful until afterward I guess, because I was distracted by the flailing and out of control handlebars that I was dealing with. Needless to say, and this is where my actual rant is starting, I started wondering why on earth people sell products without things like, I don't know, a seat on a bike that won't destroy your rear end after 2 days of use. Seriously, I think that anyone that is buying a new bike, especially from a place that has a limited supply of something and is not giving a bargain, would just want a gel padded seat. So just charge an extra $10-20 for the bike and put on a better seat instead of the glute destroying triangle of butt death.

Sadly, that isn't even the end of things that needed to come standard on this bike. On Tuesday morning this week I went to get on my bike to ride to work, and noticed that it had a flat, and thinking back on what I had ridden through the day before I could not think of what would have caused a flat, because there was almost literally nothing. Here is the kicker. They have thorn resistant tubes and tubes that aren't thorn resistant. They also have a goo that they use to prevent flats that they can put in your tires and fills up holes. So why does that not come standard on all bikes? I am going to buy that crap anyway, because it is obviously necessary. I don't want to spend $100 on tubes every month to fix a flat tire, because I used my bike for the reason that people use a bike and got a flat 4 times. It is ridiculous. Include all of that crap in the purchase of the bike, just charge an extra $70 for it, and completely get ride of tubes that aren't thorn resistant, because what use are those? Is there any purpose for not having a thorn resistant tube? It's like if we lived in a world where you could buy children, and you went to the children store to buy one, because that is what you do in this world to get children, and there are kids that come with an immune system that doesn't actually do anything. It is just there, because children need to come standard with an immune system even though it doesn't do anything. Or, you can buy a child with a fully functioning immune system for a little bit more, but the one with the immune system is actually going to live for more than 3 minutes after you take it out of the box. Weird analogy? Yeah, I know, but I think I made my point.

So, here I am. I have had my bike for almost 2 weeks. My butt hurts and I have only been able to ride it to work 5 times since I got it. All because it didn't come standard with things that it should have obviously come standard with. So I guess the lesson to take away from this is that if you intend on selling a product. Include the necessary things even if it is a little more, because your consumer is going to buy it regardless, because they need/want the product, and they will be far happier with their purchase if it actually works like they expect and it doesn't destroy a triangle shaped area of their butt.

-- RANT END --

How I lost 130 lbs in 8 months

2015-11-21T08:56:00.001-08:00

March

November

I think I have waited long enough to talk about this. I'm not really big on sharing things like this mostly because I am annoyed by everyone who loses weight on some program or product and then tries to sell it to everyone. I firmly believe that instead of selling weight loss products we should be educating people on what causes them to be overweight in the first place, and how to get back to a healthy weight. I now know that it doesn't take some expensive program or crazy workout routine to lose a large amount of weight. What it does take is a large amount of self discipline and real desire to change yourself. So now, without further ado, here is my story on how it happened and what I believe are the core factors in my success.

The first thing that really contributed to me losing weight was that I finally accepted that I wasn't really happy with myself. I never really felt right in my skin and that caused a lot of self confidence issues that have begun to bubble up over the past few years. I kind of became a hermit and started pushing people away. This coupled with the fact that I am approaching my 30's and that I haven't really had a proper relationship my entire life really started eating at me. Then a few friends at work started talking about having a weight loss competition. So in preparation for that I started talking with a friend who had told me that his wife did a weight loss program and lost close to 30lbs in a month. Since I like to win things I decided I would use this program for a month and win the weight loss competition. So I order the stuff for the program and then find out that the weight loss challenge kind of fell through. So I decided since I have the stuff I might as well use it since it costed more than I am willing to admit that I spent on a weight loss program, and went on the program for a month. What I didn't know is that it was this small chain of events that would start me on a life changing path eventually leading me to where I am now.

The weight loss program did what it said it would. I stuck to it and lost about 30lbs, but immediately quit it after the first month. During that month I had started to research what exactly the diet was doing to help me lose weight which eventually led me to finding a weight loss practice called keto. Where you remove the bulk of carbs from your diet and replace it with fats and protein. I read a lot about it and decided that I was going to start using that to shape a diet after I was finished with that month long program. After the month was over I began the real weight loss, and it was this diet that was the biggest factor in my success. However there are a few more factors that have been incredibly helpful in achieving the weight loss.

The factors of my success

Diet

I have always had a big misconception about what it takes to lose weight. From everything that I heard and saw it was working out super hard and almost killing yourself in the gym that helped you lose weight. I am here to tell you that is not the case. If you want to lose weight the diet is the key, and you workout enough so that you don't lose muscle mass during the diet.

Consistency

Another thing that I found was that if I ate the same thing every day, for the most part, it was easier to regulate my diet. I knew my calorie intake, and all of my macro nutrient intakes so I never had to guess or check whether it was ok or not, and since it was always the same it was easier not to cheat because I never had to think about what to buy at the store.

Education

I have done a very large amount of reading on everything from body types to macro nutrients to figure out how to do this, and to figure out what will work for me. I strongly suggest educating yourself first before jumping into anything. And read multiple articles on the subject.

Never Cheat

Another thing I found helpful was that I never cheat on my diet. Unhealthy food is a slippery slope back to where I began, and staying away from the things that got me to that point was a must.

Remove possible excuses

Instead of getting a gym pass and having an excuse in the morning to not go I brought the gym to me so that when I wake up I have no excuse to not work out. I got an adjustable dumbbell set and a bench that, for the most part, covers all of the workouts I need.

Love the word No

I have become very accustomed to saying no these days. There have been so many times that people will offer me something that I can't have, or I am not sure whether or not I can have it. The easiest thing to do is just, for the most part, say "no, thank you." You don't need the extra calories and you don't even need the food.

Discipline

In order to lose weight you have to make the decision and stick with it. So being disciplined on a diet and workout routine and not breaking that routine is very important. Once you start to get lazy about something it gets harder and harder to stick with it. You just have to fight through it. Discipline yourself.

Determination

To be successful you have to be determined to succeed. It won't be handed to you and there will be times when grabbing a slice of pizza at the work party looks very appealing, but you have to have the determination to succeed that will help you overcome the desire to fall back into your old ways, because sadly it is a complete lifestyle change and you will likely never get to go back to eating and living the way you were. (Fat me cries a little when I think about this one.)

Ok, now you know what the factors of my success were. Here is what I have been doing for the past 7 months.

Meals:

Breakfast:

isopure protein shake (strawberry sand cream is the best)

Mid-morning snack:

handful of almonds

Lunch:

ham or turkey and cheese red leaf lettuce wrap

Afternoon snack:

string cheese or beef jerky

Dinner:

large spinach salad with boiled egg, half an avocado, chicken or fish and a little bit of ranch dressing

This adds up to around 1200-1300 calories and I use the MyFitnessPal app to track calories and macro nutrients.

My workout routine

I always do my sets of reps 12-10-8 and work out 2 muscle groups each day. I will probably end up getting a personal trainer or at least someone that knows what they are doing eventually, but for now this works for me probably haha I am a total amateur.

Monday:

Chest and triceps and crunches

Tuesday:

Back and biceps

Wednesday:

Crunches traps and chest

Thursday:

Legs

Friday:

Crunches chest and shoulders

I would get more specific on what the workouts are but they tend to vary when I find a new workout for a muscle group that I like better.

Anyway, this may have been a long read for you, but hopefully it was interesting or educational at the very least. Thanks for reading.

My First Week At InsideSales.com

2015-01-09T23:27:00.001-08:00

I got so much traffic from the post about my first day that I decided to do a follow-up on how the first week was. It we surprisingly well. Most companies will do a lot of talking up about their products and the company making it seem like everything is bullet proof. So I made sure to take everything said with a grain of salt. Even doing that I am amazed by the company. Not everything is perfect, but I believe that they are making some great strides to fix the things that need to be fixed. Above all I think there are a few things that make me so excited to work at this company.

Culture

Something that most tech companies have is a culture that is work hard play hard. This is the reason that a lot of these companies have game rooms, soda machines, great benefits, and all the other awesome things that you have heard of tech companies having. It makes an environment that encourages people to be able to unwind for a little bit, and then jump back into their projects.

I know for me I like to power through a project, and then take a break for a while so that my mind can reset. It also helps to go do something that will take your mind off of a problem so that your brain can process it while you are focusing on something else. Also, it is just fun to have cool things, and it entices employees to stay if they are having fun and working on things that are worth while.

Planning

I feel like a lot of companies will just let themselves grow without planning in advance, at least this is what I have seen before, but from what I can tell there has been a lot of planning in this company's growth. They have hired key individuals to build out an education platform, lead improvements on their software, do business research, and grow their sales and support staff. People that have been company for a long period of time have not really been replaced with more knowledgeable people, but positions have been created to integrate new high level hires. The company seems to have a good hierarchy and structure with what seem to be very qualified people from all over the country.

I believe that it is because of restructuring and finding highly qualified talent that this company will be able to find itself as an industry leader in not just selling software, but in leading thought and driving change.

Science

Something that has been repeated over and over is that InsideSales.com believes that "science holds the key to unlocking human potential." I love that this is their mindset. They are all about making informed decisions based on scientific studies and factual evidence, and using that information to improve themselves and their clients. It is also very cool that I get to not only see the intersection of all the sciences and their programmable application, but I get to work with data scientists and people with PhDs. How cool is that?

I never would have thought that I would be in a company that has a research team with scientists and I am a part of the team that implements their findings. My interests lately are very much in tune with what this company is doing in this area. I couldn't be any more excited about getting to work on something this revolutionary.

Big Data

InsideSales.com is ultimately playing the same game that a lot of other companies are playing these days. And that is the game of data. What it really comes down to is whatever company has the most data has the best ability, assuming they are using it wisely, to make informed decisions because they have identified the patterns that give insight to consumer habits. Which in turn reduces time that people waste on useless tactics and and poorly time efforts. This makes work incredibly efficient and lets you focus on more important things instead of playing the guessing game with how consumers behave. This information is a game changer for struggling companies, because it gives them the ability to optimize their time and efforts so that they aren't wasting as much time.

This is just one example of how you can gather data to gain insights on human behavior, and that is why this big data movement is so intriguing to me. I love learning how people work and how you can find patterns in something that seems so completely random. The greatest part is that this is just the beginning of what can be done. It will be exciting to see how this industry evolves.

So those are my thoughts and why I am excited about this job. Yay!

My First Day at InsideSales.com

2015-01-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

I figured I would type this all out so that I don't have to retell the story over and over again. So even if I talk to you in person I am going to refer you to this blog post if you ask me about my first day. Ok? Ok.

The first thing you have to know is that this company has way too many people for the amount of parking spots they had. I was lucky that I read the multiple emails that had been sent about parking, and I made sure that I showed up at least 10 minutes early. I got a really nice spot right in front of the building because of that. I think I am going to continue showing up 10 minutes early, because I really don't feel like walking forever to get to the building. That information isn't exactly relevant I was just kind of thinking out loud...but while type. So the loudness was from my fingers making typing noises...yeah.

Ok, so I walk into the building and a guy walking in asked if I had a badge to get in because he forgot his. I told him it was my first day so I didn't have one. Lucky for both of us the door was open. Apparently this is going to be an almost play by play of my day. That rhymed.

Once I was inside the building I was greeted by my recruiter Julie, and handed my new hire badge so that people know to treat you differently because they can see that you are new. I was then greeted with a handshake by Ron...I can't remember his last name, but that's ok it isn't relevant. Ron is also a new hire, and he is going to be an executive sales person, or something like that. I can't remember all of the job titles. An interesting side note however is that they call all of their employees accelerators. Every company has their quirks and that is one of theirs. I mean there is a reason, but I can't remember/don't care to tell why at this time.

Anyway, once everyone in the training group showed up we were given sparkling orange juice and we all toasted to welcome ourselves to the InsideSales.com community. I thought that the orange juice thing was kind of a risky move considering everyone had brushed their teeth at most 30 minutes before this. Everyone knows that OJ and toothpaste don't mix. -- Insert O.J. Simpson joke here --

Now that we had toasted our way into the company it was time to go to the training room where the 12 of us will spend the next 7 business days of our existence. As we were going up the stairs a weird thing began to happen. There were a bunch of random people clapping at us. It was like being part of a sports team that was running out onto the field except we were a bunch of new hires at a tech company, which everyone knows are generally anti-social, so clapping at all of us was probably a cause of a few anxiety attacks statistically speaking. Another funny thing that a kid, Ian, mentioned is that to get that together they probably went through the company and just asked people if they wanted to go stand by the stairs and clap at new hires early Monday morning. When you actually think about how some things are actually set up it can become weird thinking about what was actually done to make it happen. I could probably give another example, but I am not going to.

Once I finally made it to the room we were sat down, and basically introduced to all of the company's processes and procedures. Talked about benefits and just general need to know stuff. Then we were shown some information about how well connected this place seems to be. They have a lot of ties to Silicon Valley as well as some big names in the general tech industry. It is pretty exciting to see some of the names of people that are involved in this company as well as some huge names that are clients. I don't know if I am allowed to share any of that information, but it was a lot of pretty impressive stuff. I mean this company was given a $1 billion valuation. If anything I am going to learn a lot and be able to have some connections to some large names in the industry.

Once we were given the initial presentation we were given the tour of the building. Since there was a lot of team introductions I will just leave those out and highlight the things that I thought were aesthetically impressive.

Open Workspace
The first thing you would notice about this company is the open layout of the desks. Some people don't really like this layout, but after working in a cubicle I can personally say that I like the idea of an open work space. It is easier to communicate, and it doesn't feel like you are alone. So that is my 2 cents about an open work space.

Whiteboard Desks

This is something that I wish that I had at my last job. We had whiteboards, but they were really difficult to write on because of the angle, and because of that I rarely used it. Having your desk as a whiteboard makes it so that you have scratch paper everywhere essentially. I really loved it. Something that I have seen at other offices is actual whiteboard paint for a wall, or just using glass as a whiteboard. All of these work, and are pretty cool for an office.

Soda Machine

Have you been to a new Wendy's lately? If you haven't then you haven't seen the cool soda machines they have there, and you should probably google a picture of them. If you have then you know the ones that I am talking about. Well we have one of those at the office. Pretty much every flavor of soda that you could think of...except mountain dew :(, but oh well. It is probably for the best. I don't need to get diabetes, and if there was mountain dew I would have little control over myself.

After the tour we got to have lunch. They ordered Papa Johns and we got to eat with our respective managers. This was great for me, because I really wanted to see what my team was going to be like. My manager's name is Scott, and he was a very laid back guy. I don't think I could be any luckier with a manager. We had a great conversation, and got to talk about what the day to day of the team was like, and what kind of projects I will be working on. It sounds like my team is relatively young and gets a lot of freedom and flexibility with projects so that if we can find ways to make it better we can explore those ideas. Also, it sounds like there is a lot of opportunity for automation as well so that is another thing that I am excited about. Something worth mentioning is that we also have a data science team, which is something that I am very interested. I am pretty sure that they are implementing machine learning and neural networks which is something that is increasingly sparking my interest.

After lunch it was kind of a blur until the end of the day. We got a lesson on sales methodology as our company implements it and consults it. We talked a lot about data as well, because that is basically the way the company does business both internally and with clients. It was pretty amazing to see the way that they run things internally. The organization made me believe very much in the company as a whole. I can't speak in detail about they way that they use data to improve the way employees speak together and interact, but it is something I had never heard of. Something else that I really liked was that they continually reminded that they are of the mindset that they don't like to follow the crowd on a lot of things. They gave many examples of how not following the crowd and thinking outside of the box had given them a leg up on the competition. It is really exciting to me, because I like to think I am also the type of person that doesn't like to do things the conventional way.

Overall, I think I made a good decision in going to this company. I believe that I am going to have a lot of great opportunity and learn a ton! Also, if you are reading this and need a job I am told that since their investment rounds they are going to be hiring like crazy this year to meet client demand and growth predictions. So if you are looking for work let me know, and I can refer you.

Thanks for reading!

Interstellar Review

2014-11-16T15:57:00.001-08:00

I saw this movie a week after it came out, and everything I heard was positive. One person even told me they read that it was the best movie in the last 100 years. If there is one thing I hate, it is movies that get too hyped up. Unfortunately, that is how this movie ended up for me. My expectations were far too high for this movie, and it only lived up to half the hype.

The Good: The movie was actually pretty scientifically accurate, except for one scene where their ship was able to leave a planet that was 130% that of the gravity of earth with a ship that when leaving earth had to have significantly more boost. The visuals were also quite good, except for Anne Hathaway looking way too much like a mustache-less Hitler, and the idea of the movie was also pretty cool.

The Bad: I think the actors were a poor choice for the film. I can't watch Matthew McConaughey without thinking of him in all of his previous chick flick roles, John Lithgow is a comedy actor in my mind, Michael Caine is Alfred, and Anne Hathaway is just hit and miss with her roles. The amount of science used in the film made it hard for me to believe the science fiction when it got pretty far past theoretic. In my opinion, the relationships between characters was more spoken than portrayed. Overall, it felt like a very good try at something that could have been a lot better with a little more time. Speaking of time it was 3 hours long.

The Science

The science in this movie was actually very well done and believable. A real physicist was commissioned to assist in the accuracy of the films science which is likely why it was done as well as it was. At one point in the movie they go to a planet that is very close to a black hole, and because of the time dilation that occurs as a result of the gravity of the black hole 1 hour on that planet equates to 7 years outside of that gravitational field. As crazy as it sounds this is actually real science and it is called gravitational time dilation. Relativity is a very big driving force of the movie, because they need to find a habitable planet before earth essentially expires. Overall, I felt they did a very good job explaining a lot of the scientific concepts in the movie, but you had to pay very close attention or you would be left scratching your head if you aren't familiar with those concepts.

The Cast

As said above I felt that the cast wasn't very strong just because of the type of actors that they got. I think had it been a better cast the relationships of the characters would have been more believable and stronger. A huge driving force of the movie is a father that wants to return home to his daughter, but the connection with them never seems that strong. In fact, that is just as much the direction as it was the actors. You are told from the beginning of the movie that Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) is more interested in the stars and science than he is anything else. The first scene in the movie is Cooper being told that he needs to go to parent teacher conference by his step father, because that isn't the role of a grandfather. So from the very beginning of the movie Cooper is seen as a distant father. Sorry, that doesn't have to do with the cast, but I just realized it. Anyway, I still believe a different cast could have made it better. I have seen McConaughey in way too many romantic comedies, John Lithgow only in comedies, and Anne Hathaway probably would have been fine if she kept a normal length hair and attempted to look like a woman. I wasn't going to bring this up, but another thing that bothered me about the cast was Matt Damon being the character Mann. I am pretty certain it wasn't necessary and kind of took attention away from his character's small role in the movie. The whole time I was just thinking why Matt Damon for this role? It was distracting. You don't find out about him 'til half way through the movie, but I just had to say something. It was completely pointless to cast him as that role. "And that's all I got to say about that." - Forest Gump

The Outstanding Bad

I am a person that is very specific about continuity in a film. I know that no film is going to be perfect, but there were things that really stood out and bothered me. The first thing is early in the film there is mention of 'ghosts' that you find out are trying to communicate with them, because Cooper's daughter Murph, named after Murphy's Law, determines that books pushed out of her book shelf are in a pattern that she determines is morse code. Later these 'ghosts' communicate the coordinates of some location using binary. Here is the problem I have with that. In the movie the binary is represented by 6-10 lines in the dirt. However an actually set of coordinates converted to binary would look something like:

001100110011000000101110001100100011100100110001001100100011100000001001001011010011100100110111001011100011011100110011001110000011010100111000001000000011001100110000001111110010000000110001001101110010011100100000001100100011100000100010

I know it is trivial, but people notice these things. Whenever there is a movie where a person playing an instrument doesn't match with the music they are playing it bothers me so it would make sense that something like this would do the same.

Another thing that bothered me was the robot TARS. Maybe I have been spoiled by movies like iRobot, Bicentennial Man, Terminator, Star Wars, and every other movie that has a robot. The problem is that I don't think I have. In this movie that robot looks like a fridge with 2 1980's computer monitors on it. I can't even describe the way he has to walk. So here is a gif to demonstrate:

Seriously? What the crap is that? Then somehow he can turn into a 4 french toast stick rolling thingy, and have hook hands. This 'robot' makes absolutely no sense, and all that it caused me to do was laugh at moments in the film that were not made to laugh at. I knew I couldn't take this movie seriously the second this thing showed up.

The final thing I will mention that made me not like the movie was the scene in the black hole. I feel like they needed a way to tie in everything in the movie, and so they just did something ridiculous. I am not a scientist, physicist, or any other type of ist, but I am almost certain that entering a black hole will kill you. What actually happens in the film is pretty far fetched and after all of the believable stuff in the movie kind of just seems like an easy way out and a way to throw the audience off in the process. It was kind of upsetting.

Conclusion

Should you see the movie? Yes.

Was it visually amazing? Yes.

Did it live up to all of the hype? Eh.

Was I disappointed? Yes.

I was really hoping to get my socks blown off by this movie. However, that did not happen and I left wishing it was better. So if you haven't seen it yet I recommend buying matinee tickets and carving out a 3 hour chunk of your day. That way you will have only lost 6 or 7 dollars and 3 hours of your life instead of $10 and 3 hours of your life. Then afterward get some comfort food with that money you saved so that you can handle your post movie depression better.

Think Before You Post

2014-05-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody.

I know it has been a long time since I have posted something, which really sucks. I mainly blame being employed for that. I am pretty sure I would be much more active in my blogging and social media endeavors if I wasn't racking up hours and XP in the game of life. You will be happy to know that I am now a level 40 web development manager, and have learned a lot of code spells. If you don't know what I am talking about you should probably play an RPG, or at least read about what they are. I don't actually play them, nor have I ever, but I have just heard people reference them enough that I feel I can accurately reference their gameplay style as needed. Anyway enough of that nonsense. Let's get to the real topic at hand.

I am a huge advocate of UYB, or Using Your Brain. I know it can sometimes be difficult to boot it up after not using it for so long (I am talking to you youth of America), but it is very important that we use the thing that separates us from the Mexicans...I mean animals. (I really don't have anything against Mexicans. I use jokes like that mostly for shock value to get a cheap laugh.) Today I am mostly going to focus on the underlying cause of our awareness of stupidity these past few years.

It isn't new news that, generally, people seem a lot dumber than they use to be, but why is that? You would think with the huge leaps in technology that have brought us into the information age that we would have more intelligent youth solving the mysteries of science. Well we do have a lot of these, but they are still not as abundant as the rest of the gauged ear, completely tattooed, drug addicted, and sexually promiscuous youth that seem to be littering the earth. Not to say that people that have gauges or tattoos or whatever are unintelligent, but generally all of the morons I see all over social media making complete idiots of themselves have all of these qualities. They also seem to be very outspoken about everything and throw their every thought on the internet without regard to consequence. This brings me to my point.

The reason that we are noticing so many stupid people and an influx of intelligent people is because people are sharing their every thought on the internet. The beauty of having a brain is that you can have thoughts and not share them. Unfortunately, as of late people seem to have forgotten that they have that ability. So we see every thought whether smart, witty, stupid, informative, or useless. It will be surprising to all of you to know that I only post about 50% of the things that I had originally intended to post. That isn't even counting things that I had dismissed from my mind before even picking up my phone or opening my laptop to share it. For the most part I have probably put on average of 5 - 10 minutes of thought into everything that I have shared on the internet. Even then not everything has been a comedic gem or a thought provoking anecdote, and that is with me putting a lot of time and thought into what I share. I really doubt there are a lot of people that do what I do with their social media and sharing practices. So we are left with a lot of people posting nearly their every thought, and now we can see with clarity how stupid they really are.

I feel that people that people who spend most of their time talking spend very little time thinking, and that applies to social media as well. Put some thought into everything you put on the internet. You will be less likely to read through your posts in the years to come and wonder how you were ever so stupid to have posted things like these.

I believe that you all have the ability to stop the over sharing, and become a little bit better at filtering the useless garbage that you discard onto the internet for innocent passers by to read. Make me proud.

Thanks for reading.

Need for Speed Review

2014-03-20T20:08:00.002-07:00

Ok ok ok...ok. I know it has been a while since I have written a review, and for that I am sorry. So I am going to make up for it by reviewing a movie that I saw yesterday, and knew almost immediately that I had to make fun of it in my blog.

If you are familiar with my style of reviewing you will know that if a movie has attractive women I am at least somewhat forgiving if it is incredibly stupid. Sadly, I don't think I can be very forgiving. My biggest problem with this movie is really just a problem I have with movie makers in general. If you are going to make a movie that is suppose to be realistic, and then you throw something in that is obviously not even plausible you kind of just ruin your movie. For example, in the movie they are driving a mustang - whose front end is likely just make of tinfoil, plastic, and fiberglass - (I don't think I used the hyphens right, but whatever. They should have something that separates a list and something else that can separate side note kinda stuff, or whatever it is called. Not just use commas for both. Everything seems to work for a while, and then you get into a situation where you have to use commas inside another comma separated part of a sentence and it seems wrong, and then you find your self looking at the sentence wondering why our language sucks so bad. No wonder immigrants can't speak or write in our language. Not even Americans can speak and write in our language. I often wish that I was asian so that I spoke a language that wasn't just a big trash can of languages, and so that I could be a ninja.) and the guy driving this mustang jumps over 2 lanes of traffic and lands pretty much on the front end of his car. Any real car would have been crushed like a soda can. Then after this impossible feat the director decides that they need to have the car lifted by an army helicopter by clipping 2 cables together through the windows of the car. I can't say for certain, because I have never done it, but I am almost positive that the top of the car would have been torn off. It would have been more believable if one of the huge bird things from the Lord of The Rings would have come and grabbed the car and carried it to safety. Sadly that was not the case, and I had to just sit there and accept that there was another hour of this movie to watch.

Another thing that really bothered me about this movie was how predictable it was. They made the plot far too obvious, and then tried to detract from the awful plot by having terrible dialogue and overly dramatic acting throughout. I swear it was like I was watching a daytime soap opera, except it wasn't daytime and no one was singing. They sing in soap operas right? You could pretty much call every shower that I take a soap opera. I will often times start singing some Pavarotti, and there is soap...because I use soap. I am just missing a large audience of stay at home moms that have nothing better to do than watch the shows that were purposely put on daytime so that people with half a brain wouldn't have to watch it, and so the people making the shows feel like they are contributing to something even thought they really aren't. Then there is this guy that is in a lighthouse or something stupid the entire movie, and has some kind of live video streaming app for his vlog "I'm Michael Keaton and I get to have a big part in this movie even though it's pointless". All this character did throughout this movie was give a play by play. His dialogue didn't even make sense half of the time. He is suppose to be this really popular car race dude with his app and he hosts some race called "The Lion", or "de Lion", as he says it, that is supposedly a huge deal. Yet, he references the main character, Toby, as if everyone is aware of who he is, and understands all of the small intricacies of Toby's life.

Don't get me wrong there were good parts of the movie. Like when people weren't talking, and when there weren't unrealistic stunts I was actually enjoying myself, because there were cars going fast and a lot of movement and colors. So yeah, it was a movie. So if you like movies, even if they are a little dumb, you could go and see this and waste a couple hours if you have nothing to do. If you are looking for something that will blow your socks off might I suggest saving your money for Captain America Winter Soldier. That is a movie I am excited about. So yeah...I think I am done now.

FIN

Skepticism: Why You Should Question Everything

2013-08-18T12:46:00.001-07:00

I have cable and it is great. I don't mean to brag and rub it in your face if you are one of the unfortunate people that don't have this amazing time waster. I really enjoy it, and I love that I can watch shows that I can learn from. That show scientific discoveries and a lot of interesting things that I never knew. Something that I watched recently that really had my attention was a show called Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives. It was a documentary about a team of Marine Biologists and other types of ists that have to do with water life and whatnot. The first part of this documentary was this team talking about their research and why they think that Megalodon lives. They mentioned a boat attack and a whale that was bitten in half. Events that had just recently happened. They continued to say that they knew that Megalodon was in the area (Southern Africa), and that they planned on finding it and tagging it. The second half of the documentary was the team out in the ocean trying to lure this gigantic monster shark so that they could prove its existence. So they threw out a 5 mile slick of chum into the ocean off the coast of southern Africa and lured a crap ton of sharks to them. They were also dragging a fake beluga whale behind their ship with speakers, of some sort, making injured whale noises. After some time the sharks all disappeared, which is apparently what smaller predators do when a larger predator is about to attack because they don't want to get eaten. The ship then gets hit really hard and a girl in a shark cage tags the behemoth that hit them. They then look at the tracker and the creature is diving faster than anything they know of. They didn't get any good footage of what it was that hit them, but at the very end of the show there was a brief clip from a camera that showed an enormous shark dinosaur thing. Needless to say, I was like. Wait! What? Is that real?! That is insane! This thing is real?! Then I remembered that they said this still had no proof of what they tagged, and then my skepticism kicked in. I started to google whether or not it was real footage at the end of the show. Then there were a lot of forums talking about how the entire documentary was a hoax, and just for entertainment. People mentioned that they had googled the marine biologists from the documentary and the events that were referenced in it. Neither the people nor the events could be found. So I started to do some research, and I too couldn't find anything on the biologists or the events that had just been passed to me as fact. Needless to say I was pretty angry that they the Discovery Channel would put something on tv that was complete crap.

This makes me wonder about the validity of anything that I watch on tv that is "educational". I use to watch a show called Ancient Aliens, and it was definitely interesting. I started to look up information on that show as well and apparently there was information on that show that wasn't exactly accurate, but was used to make their argument seem more legitimate. It seems to happen all over tv. I shouldn't be surprised, but I assumed since their crap is televised to a large audience of people, that will just believe that it is fact because is aired on a big network and passed off as real, that it would be true.

I guess my point is that a person can't really assume something is true until they absolutely know for certain, because people will definitely take advantage of you. Especially if they can exploit your emotions. For example, people like healers and psychics. They make a living off of exploiting people who are emotionally compromised or just completely gullible. It is a terrible thing, and when I say you can't believe anything is true until you absolutely know I literally mean everything. I can't know anything for certain unless I have experienced it first hand and have a complete understanding of it. There are very few things that I know as absolute, and those things are very basic. Like if I stay up late I will be tired, and if someone just takes a dump in the bathroom you shouldn't go in there for at least 10-15 minutes. Beyond things like that I don't think I will ever actually know what is true and what isn't. If I am not a person that performed an experiment, then I can't say whether or not the experiment is accurate because I have no proof of what was actually done or what the results really were. I just have a person's word coupled with their alleged findings. My advice is that you should never take anything for face value. If someone tells you something don't go and tell someone else what you were just told until you are 100% certain that it is true. If you see something unbelievable on tv don't believe it. There is always the possibility that something is true, but there is never certainty. The other difficult part about this is that even when you think you are 100% certain you might not be. You can't really even trust your brain all of the time, because it doesn't collect all of the data that it is receiving and is very easily deceived because of that. I guess what I really am trying to say is that nothing is real. How do I know that I am not in the matrix right now, or that I am not in some kind of life preserving pod where I live in a completely comatose state where my brain has created a reality that I accept as truth. There is no way to actually determine that. For all I know I am just a form of energy whose intelligence projects everything I see and feel when in reality there is absolutely nothing, no space and no matter, just intelligence. I could go on forever with different scenarios, but I think you get my point. There is no proof of what anything actually is. So just think about that for a while.

K bye

The Wolverine Review

2013-07-28T11:32:00.001-07:00

It has been a while since I have done a review, but my boss asked me to tell him how The Wolverine was. So instead of saying "It was good", "You should go see it", or "The asian chick had a weird shaped head". I am going to give details about the movie and my opinion of the film.

Just to be clear The Wolverine was a good movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I feel that typically I am pretty easy to please when it comes to movies. There are a few criteria, depending on the genre of the film, that will guarantee a successful movie in my opinion. Since this is an action movie the criteria are, in no particular order, an attractive lead female actress, a very masculine and capable lead male actor, awesome fight sequences, explosions, humor, awesome cars, a good plot twist, and additional attractive women throughout.

Here are my ratings on these criteria for this film:

Attractive female lead:	7ish
Masculine male lead:	15
Fight sequences:	9
Explosions:	0
Humor:	8
Awesome cars:	7
A good plot twist:	8ish
Additional attractive women:	3
Final Score:	57ish out of 80

You are now probably thinking. So it wasn't that great of a movie then? Actually it was still pretty good. If there is one thing I have learned it is that there are exceptions to everything. Yes, according to my criteria it was an ok movie, but it was a comic book movie, and you actually don't even notice the lack of explosions. In fact, I had to google whether or not there were explosions in the movie, because I couldn't remember. So, because of these extra little tidbits of information we can add 10 bonus points to the score for it being a comic book film, and since I couldn't remember the lack of explosions we will just give that area a 7 for not being disappointing. Making the actual score 74 out of 80. Now time for me to defend my scores.

The Attractive Female Lead

This was actually a pretty good way of getting a higher score. They cast a girl with a very strangely shaped head to play the girl you think is going to be the female lead in the movie. So for the first 15 minutes after you see her you are thinking "Please don't be Wolverine's love interest in this movie! Pretty please!" Then you finally find out that she isn't, and the actual love interest looks even more attractive, because you have been praying that the other girl isn't the love interest. It is kind of how some people surround themselves with unattractive people so that they will look attractive in comparison. It is actually a pretty good idea.

The Masculine Male Lead

I don't even think I have to defend my score for this, but I will. Hugh Jackman is super ripped, and I have never seen so many veins popping out of a persons arm. Also, he is Hugh Jackman. As the Wolverine character, and an actor as a whole he is amazing! So he earns 15 points no questions asked.

Fight Sequences
There were freaking ninjas in this movie! Of course it gets a great score. The Japanese invented fight sequences. Before we saw Japanese cinema people were shooting revolvers and wrestling in mud. Thank you asians for teaching us the ways of good action movie fight scenes! The only problem with the fight sequences in this movie, and like most action movies, is that there weren't enough of them.

Explosions
Like I said earlier, there were no explosions in this movie, and it was still good. Only this movie could pull it off. I mean, if there were explosions that would be even better, but it was still fine without them. You didn't leave the theater thinking there should have been more explosions.

Humor
Marvel movies never really disappoint when it comes to humor. There are a few parts that stand out. One is in a commercial so I can tell you. It is when Wolverine throws a guy out of a window, and the girl is like "How did you know there was a pool" and he replies, "I didn't." The other one is in the train fight scene. I won't give that one away, but it was pretty funny. There are also just all of the funny things that Wolverine says. All in all I was happy with the humor in the film.

Awesome Cars
I really shouldn't have given such a high score for this, but I love the Audi R8. So even though there aren't really any other cool cars in this movie it still gets a 7, because I love that car.

A Good Plot Twist
You don't really see it coming. That is what I liked about it. It isn't a crazy reveal or anything, but you definitely wouldn't expect it given the information you are presented for the duration of the film. At least I didn't. If you did, then great for you.

Additional Attractive Women
There is a girl that looks a lot like Famke Janssen that works in the Sara Lee bread stored here in Orem. I think she is attractive, and I should probably consider asking her out. Why am I telling you this? Well the only additional attractive woman in this film is Famke. Well there is the blonde chick that works for the old asian dude. She is pretty hot I guess. I don't know. She didn't really stand out though. She was attractive, but she definitely was not my type. So I stand strong with the 3 out of 10 for this category.

So there you have it. All of the information you need to prepare to go to this film. Oh, and don't be an idiot when the movie ends. I can't tell you how many morons walked out of the theater once the credits started rolling. How on earth can people be so stupid? There is always going to be something after or during the credits. Even if there isn't something. Don't take the gamble. The ending credits scene nearly made me crap my pants. Now all I can think of is how on earth it is possible. So don't be a stupid moron idiot. Stay for the credits. You too will soil yourself.

UPDATE: There are actually explosions in the movie. I am just a total idiot and some how forgot about them.

One of Life's Lessons

2013-07-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have learned a lot of things over the duration of my life. Some of those things include how to buy ice cream from a grocery store, that if you are tall you are going to hate washing your hair in a hotel shower, and that (Spoiler Alert) Santa Clause is really just a festively dressed drunk guy that sneaks into your house to steal your cookies and take a dump in your stocking. That isn't really coal my friends.

Today I learned yet another life lesson. I live in an apartment with a swamp cooler. For the past month the stupid thing has been squeaking, and it got to the point where I had completely tuned it out. Unfortunately for my roommate he didn't have the luxury of having that annoying noise tuned out. We had talked about filling out a maintenance report, but I am lazy and well yeah laziness always seems to win when it comes to mild annoyances. Anyway, so after a month of this squeaking noise the maintenance guy comes along, and notices that incessant squeaking coming from our swamp cooler. He gets some tools and spends about 20 minutes fixing it, and I didn't have to do anything. My point is that if you wait long enough eventually someone will come and fix your problems if you are too lazy to fix them. Sure, if you take care of your problems at the very beginning it is a lot faster, but how cool is it that you can just sit back and do nothing and eventually someone else will come fix everything for you? It is kinda like when a parent or sibling tells you to do a chore of some sort and you say that you will do it in a minute, but then that person gets impatient and does it instead. It is like the universe protects lazy people with people that do stuff. I can't tell you how many times in my life I just let things go until they work themselves out. Like this one time the garage door in my town home broke, because of an error in judgement and a lack of space to park in front of it. Because it was kind of awkward to tell the rental management that it happened we just let it go and dealt without a functioning garage door for the rest of the time we were there. Once moved out we got the entirety of our deposit back, and no one was the wiser. Something else that is kind of amazing is with food. If you go to some kind of social gathering where food is involved and just sit there without eating people will start offering to get you food. I am constantly amazed by the magic of doing nothing, and that is why I wanted to pass this on to you my readers. I believe that if we all start to do nothing and wait for the universe to unwind in our favor we will all die and the world will be a better place, because people are terrible and they ruin the world with their stupidity and freaking hashtags in front of words that are somewhat related to what they are talking about. I blame hashtags for the drop in intelligence and rise of teenage pregnancies in our modern world. It all started with Jersey Shore and The Hills and all of those other shows that are all dramatic and terrible. I am pretty sure that half of the human race is beginning to evolve backward. Their brains are getting smaller and their ability to fight a sabertooth tiger is increasing because of their 6 day a week training regiment. Anyway, I have to go get pizza now, because unlike those other people I turn caffeine and pizza into productivity and cool technology stuff.

Bye now!

Extremists, Not To Be Confused With Extremis

2013-07-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

So to preface this post I need to tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a little boy whose one wish was to make everybody laugh. He knew that because of that wish some people would get offended, because the offensive jokes are the funniest ones. He also knew that he wasn't a person that actually believes the terrible, but funny, crap he says. Fast forward to the present, and he has made a reputation for being the funny fat guy that everyone knows. Maybe his jokes aren't G rated and unoffensive, but they are quite humorous even if a lot of people don't think so.

You guessed it. The little boy in that story is me. I enjoy making jokes that are racist, sexist, and all other kinds of ists. I don't do it to offend anyone, I don't do it because I hate minorities, or because I am a sexist pig. You are welcome to think that, but the truth is that I do it for the sake of a laugh and nothing else. If I can brighten another persons day by making fun of a homeless person or a quadriplegic trying to do any simple task then I am happy with that. I love it when people make fat people jokes. They are hilarious, and if you haven't noticed I am the fat guy king. I probably make fun of and laugh at more fat jokes at my own expense than anyone else. It is because laughter is the best medicine and I believe that if I laugh enough it might shake loose all of the fat, and I will be skinny. Ok not really. My mother had/has cancer, and my grandmother died from it. Guess what? I still laugh at cancer jokes. They are jokes, and they are hilarious. I don't take offense that someone jokes around about even though it is a serious problem that has affected my personal life. That is the way that people need to respond to humor. Not with anger, and a lot of debate over something that was meant to be a laugh. The only thing you are going to do is make yourself look like an idiot, because you couldn't laugh at a stereotype that isn't even necessarily true. Jokes are jokes people. Laugh at them. Don't get offended because you think you are being personally attacked. The truth is that you aren't.

What brought this up you might ask? Well I made a joke about women making sandwiches, and well...I don't think I have to tell you the rest. You know what? I think I will anyway. Someone commented on it saying something about gender equality, and then another person told them that they were stupid because it is just a joke, and blah blah blah. 45 comments later and I was feeling bad for the people that liked my status, because I am sure that they were getting notification after notification. It didn't help that it was past 1 am. I am pretty sure that everyone that either commented or liked the status was regretting it because of the argument that ensued on my post. What makes it worse is that later I was asked to remove said comments. Seriously? I believe in living with your mistakes, but as a favor for a friend I deleted the entire thread. Never again will I do this. If you are thinking about saying something on my post make sure that it is quick and witty, or that it isn't going to create a pointless argument that I am going to end up moderating, because you can't think of the consequences before you say something.

Now for my thoughts on gender equality the lighter fluid that helped ignite the fire that destroyed my post. I believe that women have every right to fight for equality in most things. There are a lot of things that are unfair about the way women are treated just because of their gender. But, just to be clear women are also women. Traditionally they have been the ones that stayed inside, did the cooking and cleaning, and raised the kids, We can't deny that it is in a woman's DNA to be able to do things like that. Women are incredibly skilled at multitasking. A skill that is necessary to be able to be a home maker. They are also very driven. Another skill that is required to be able to do something as unrewarding as housework. Men on the other hand have traditionally been the bread winners. They would go out and work all day, and then give in to their natural need to be lazy once they get home. I am not saying that is the way that it should be, but that is the way that it has been in the past. Now women are fighting against those gender roles, and that is great that they are trying to better their way of life. But by design they were created for child bearing, and with that there are certain things that they can just do out of instinct. Yes, with science catching up we may be growing children in farms like on The Matrix, and robots will be raising them like in Bicentennial Man, but until that actually happens women are still the only ones that can have children. Does that mean that they can't have a job, or do whatever else they are fighting for in this whole gender equality thing? Maybe, but you don't see me complaining that I can't get guys to buy me dinner every night in college, or that I can't get out of speeding tickets, or that I don't have a uterus. What it seems that women really want out of this whole feminist gender equality thing is all of the perks of being a man with none of the consequences. Sure it is great to be a guy, but it really isn't all it is cracked up to be. Honestly, if I could choose to be anything it would be dead. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of these extremist people wanting things, but only wanting them enough to be annoying to everyone around them instead of actually doing something to make a difference. I can go around telling everyone that I am sick of everyone calling me fat, but then I go home and I eat pizza and drink soda. If I don't really do anything about it, then I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Don't get on social media sites to complain and argue about issues. That is like throwing a cotton ball at a rhino that is charging at you with the intent of making you its horn ornament. If you really believe that something needs to be done then either actually do something about it, or just shut up and let me make fun of you.

Why Commercials Came Way Before Their Time

2013-07-08T21:01:00.001-07:00

I got cable somewhat recently. It is awesome. I have a lot of movie channels, and a bunch of not movie channels. Oh, and there is even on demand where I can watch stuff...on demand. Needless to say it is very nice to have a place, other than Netflix and Amazon, where I can't find anything to watch. I think the one thing that would make Netflix and Amazon a lot like cable would be to have a random button. When you click it some random tv show or movie plays. That would help it somewhat resemble the aleatoric art that cable television is. With cable you never really know what is going to be on, but you can't exactly just turn the tv off, because you have to have something in the background to drown out the sounds of the voices in your head and the amorous neighbors upstairs. Well either they are amorous or they have kids that yell and throw crap on the ground and stomp around. I think it is nicer to assume that they are a happy, young, and energetic couple than a miserable child ridden hispanic couple. Not nicer, but it makes me want to kill them less when I think of it that way. Seriously, it is like a midget rugby team is holding daily practices up there. The only thing that can cover it up is the blaring sound of Two and a Half Men, or whatever stupid show is playing while I am playing temple run on my phone because nothing is on.

While I am on the subject of having cable, a smart phone, and, in my case, a laptop I realized something. Commercials came way before their time. I was at a conference for work and they showed an infographic that showed the average household and the way everyone uses their devices. It is very common for people to do exactly what I am doing now. Watching tv, while doing something on their laptop, and pulling out their cell phone when their ADD really kicks in. Their point was to show the way consumers are interacting with their devices now. My point is that we are all crazy ADD with all of our crap. It is very true that a lot of people are on their laptop or on their phone or both while watching tv now. This is where commercials come in. If there something on that we are watching commercials allow us to indulge in our ADD 3 or 4 times every 30 minutes for 3ish minutes at a time. That way I can check my phone to see if someone has texted me, which they haven't, or if I have any new notifications on any of my social media accounts, which are just game invites, or I have gotten any emails, which are just spam. It doesn't really matter that nothing is there. I just have to check that crap. It is a finger addiction that goes clear to my brain. I know what you're thinking, some of the commercial breaks are gonna be for using the bathroom right? Ummm no. That is what a DVR is for. You hit the pause button while you use the bathroom. Don't have a DVR? Well I really doubt you have this problem, because if you don't have a DVR I doubt that you have a laptop or a smartphone...or a house without wheels on it. You pause the tv to conserve the commercials so you can feed your natural hunger for checking stuff and looking at memes.

So there you go. Commercials came way before their time, and now 72 years later we finally realize their purpose because of my genius insight. No need to thank me. Just pay it forward.

Ok bye now.

I'm a humor columnist Part II

2013-02-23T11:22:00.003-08:00

Although it isn't march yet I have already written this article for the paper, and since you are my fans I will let you read the preview of it since I doubt very many people read the paper that these are in.

Enjoy!

It isn't every year that we get to celebrate March. Well, maybe it is, but it isn't every year that we get to celebrate March THIS year. It is the month of leprechauns, and getting pinched by people that aren't normally pinching you. In celebration of this month of magic green little people and memories of Lucky Charms commercials from the 90's, I would like to give you some advice so as to not get hoodwinked by a crafty miniature Irish wizard, maybe give you a chance to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and find a four leaf clover amongst the less popular 3 and 5 leaf clovers that are somehow less lucky for seemingly no reason other than someone saying that they are lucky.

Tip #1 – Leprechauns Are Pretty Much Less Popular Elves

This is an important fact to remember if you are ever in a position with a leprechaun where you need some leverage. If he starts being all fancy with his limericks and funny accent, just give him a friendly reminder of how sad it must have been to be torn from his family at the North Pole and left to rot in Ireland with the drunk redheads and pygmies. He will try to act tough at first, but be persistent and he will completely lose his composure, and let down his guard and begin to cry. While his eyes are puffy and his vision is blurred slowly sneak up and steal his lucky charms. He is now powerless, and will instantaneously turn back into a wooden puppet. It is then safe to return him to Geppetto where he will be recycled and used to make peg legs for pirates. Be warned, if he is not successfully disarmed or you don't have enough backbone to make him cry, he will likely turn you into a really bloated donkey. Trust me, it is uncomfortable enough to be just a donkey. Add bloating to the mix and you basically have a donkey balloon, and that, my friends, is a balloon that not even a child is not going to hold on to.

Tip #2 – Finding A Pot Of Gold Is As Easy As 1, 2, 5

Something that they don't tell you in elementary is how to accomplish cold fusion. They also don't teach you that there really isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They do this because they are selfish. Be honest with yourself right now. If you knew where a pot of gold was would you tell a bunch of bratty kids about it? No, you would lie to them. That is why you never hear about people finding gold at the end of a rainbow. The first problem is that you can't find the end of a rainbow. Rainbows are really a bunch of raindrops that split light up into bands of color like prisms. When you move closer to a rainbow the angle of your vision in relation to the raindrops change making the rainbow still seem far away. The second problem is that pots don't occur naturally. Therefore, for a pot of gold to magically appear at the end of a rainbow that doesn't really have an end is just ridiculous. Also, there are various types of pots. For example, does the gold come in a crock pot, clay pot, a caldron kind of pot, a cooking pot, a pot-ato? It is a trick question my friends. It is a gold de-pot. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. The definition of depot is “a place for the storage of large quantities of equipment, food, or some other commodity.” Really you are looking for a buried treasure more than anything. So it becomes a hunt for gold. The word rain comes from Proto-Germanic rezna, and bows were invented by the end of the Upper Paleolithic Era, or the Old Stone Age as it is understood in Europe. The Proto-Germanic language has its roots in Northern Germany and The Netherlands above the Rhine River. So, the clues we get from separating the word rainbow into rain and bow are the Rhine River and the word stone. It just so happens that there is a famous rock formation on the eastern bank of the Rhine River near St. Goarshausen, Germany called Lorelei. This is where the depot of gold is hidden. You can thank me later. ;)

Tip #3 – Four Leaf Clovers Aren't Really Magic

Don't waste your time looking for a four leaf clover. They are very hard to find, and, spoiler alert, they aren't really magical or good luck. Trust me, I knew a kid that found a four leaf clover. From that day forward every time he went on a date he had uncontrollable gas. This led to people calling him flatulent Fred. Eventually the government learned of his problem and hired him to go on dates with Afghan women, and it became a new form of biological warfare. Unfortunately, Fred didn't make it home from his service. While on a date he became so flatulent that he asphyxiated himself, and everyone in the cafe, and died due to a lack of oxygen. The lesson here is that if you find a four leaf clover, your farts will likely be the end of you. My advice is to find an alternate means of good luck. For example, instead of breaking mirrors make them. Instead of walking under a ladder leap over it. And, instead of stepping on cracks in the sidewalk, go a day without pants. I dare you!

I'm a humor columnist.

2013-02-23T11:20:00.004-08:00

Hey everybody, I haven't really told many people, but I am the humor columnist for an independent news paper. I don't get paid for it, but it is fun. Needless to say, I haven't posted the stuff I have written in my blog. So here is the first one I wrote, and then I will post the second one after this. Keep in mind this was for february.

Well ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again. No, not Black History Month...Well yes, that too, but it is almost Valentines Day. That glorious time of the year where millions of people around the America gather together by themselves, and celebrate how much they hate their fat bodies. It is a wonderful time for the economy. Where those happy couples buy each other pointless gifts that somehow signify how much they care for each other, and the single lonely folk rush to the super market to buy ice cream, and really anything else that will stop their heart from beating so that they can't feel the pain of being alone again this year. Ah, what a magical time of the year it truly is. To commemorate this time this wonderful holiday I would like to take a look back at how it all began.

Eons ago, when people were much less hygienic, there lived a man named Saint Valentine. (Well his name wasn't actually Saint, but I didn't care to find out what his first name was. It was probably something medieval sounding like Athalos or Merek.) Saint Valentine was a very affectionate man, and had his heart broken many times by the woman he stalked incessantly. If the word awkward was invented back then it would have been a perfect adjective to describe him. He was without question the type of guy that doesn't get the girl. But, as we all know, perseverance is key in making girls creeped out beyond control, and Saint Valentine did persevere. One night as he lie awake in his bed made of straw and manure, because that is what they slept in back then - basically a modern third world country without the minorities – he found himself deep in thought about the woman that he was in love with. The one that got away even though he used the square knot he learned in scouts. She was beautiful. The kind of girl that takes a bath at least once a month. She lived in the nice part of the village that isn't downwind of the rotting corpses and fowl smelling droppings from various animals. She was classy to say the least. How on earth could he win her heart, or at least kidnap her without being caught? It was while pondering this night that it hit him. This is medieval times-ish there has to be a witch that can cast a spell around here somewhere, and make her mine. The next morning he arose with purpose. He knew what he had to do, and there was a quest at hand. It was time to find this witch, and make Penelope Von Hildenbroth his forever. He packed his things, and hit the road. Fifteen minutes down the road he realized that in all the excitement he had forgotten pants. So he turned back to fetch them britches. Once he had clothed his bottom half he was really on his way.

Days passed, and kingdom after kingdom had turned up the same results. There was no witch to be found. He knew that time was scarce, because really Penelope had the choice of any guy in his kingdom, and she was probably going to be picking one of them soon. She was like 14, so she didn't have much time before she was married off. He doubled his efforts. He didn't stop to sleep, or eat. Well, unless he was really tired or hungry, then he would take a break. A week passed, and the weather was getting worse. His supplies were running low, and he only had a day of food before he would run out. He had to find the witch now, or he would freeze to death in the blizzard that was coming.

The blizzard hit harder than anyone expected, but Saint Valentine stayed strong. Over the ridge he could see what looked like a small cottage in the distance with smoke coming out of the chimney. This was where the witch lived. He barely had the strength to move at this point. Just a little further, and he could make Penelope his forever. Needless to say, Saint Valentine froze to death before he could make it to the cabin.

It is because of his willingness to give up everything for the one he loved that we remember him on this holiday. We also learn a valuable lesson from this story. No matter how hard a guy tries the only way he is going to get the girl is by magic. For example, if I had The ForceTM I would get girls left and right, because I would force them to be with me. See, it's a funny pun. But seriously people, I don't know anything about Saint Valentine other than he was probably a distant ancestor of the beloved character Skeeter Valentine from the Nickelodeon T.V. series Doug. That was a great show wasn't it? Yeah, good times, good times.

Happy Valentines Ervrybody!

The Shallow Justification...And Some Other Crap You Don't Have To Read

2013-02-18T21:24:00.002-08:00

I would like to begin with an explanation. I am shallow. A very particular shallow that doesn't always make sense. I am not going to list every quality that I look for in a female, because honestly it wouldn't really make a difference. I will just put it this way. I am attracted to women that I am attracted to. Is that vague enough? I sure hope so. Now that I have prefaced this I am going to justify my shallowness.

I Jake, being fat of stature and single for a very long time, have found an answer to the question why am I single? It is simple really. I have never really been in a position where a woman that I am attracted to is really attracted to me. At least as far as I have been informed. This is due to a few things.

I have an incredibly ironic set of high standards when it comes to the way a girl looks for me to be attracted to her.
I tend to not pursue women until I think that they are interested in me, which is usually never.
I am a very unique person with a very unique sense of humor of which certain females are not fond.
I come off as desperate, which is pretty accurate.
I tend to overuse humor, which may lead women to think that my personality has no depth.
I am not very physically attractive.
Probably a lot of other things, but I am tired of thinking.

I am not going to discuss each of these things. I would just like to focus on the justification of being shallow. I feel that I am very intelligent. I may not be book smart, but I am definitely smarter than a lot of the people I know. Yes, take offense to that. I am probably talking about you. The problem with intelligence is that it doesn't often come with a very good physique. Picture the smartest person you know. He is probably very pale, and doesn't exactly have any sports trophies. Oh, and don't get offended because I said 'he' instead of 'they'. Yes, there are many intelligent women, but there are also a lot of women who pose in front of cameras with a duck face pose, and the smartest thing they know how to do is take a photo and upload it to some form of social media website with a crap load of hashtags in front of words that have some reference to something that they were doing while they were taking the picture. Sadly the women that I just described are also the same women that I am the most physically attracted to. This is where the justification of being shallow comes into play. I feel that because of my level of intelligence I should be with some moronic, yet incredibly hot, woman. It would balance out. My children would ideally get my intelligence and sense of humor, and mix with her amazing, and heart wrenching, level of attractiveness and aptitude for things that involve being outside for more than the time it takes to drive to work and or school. When it comes down to it, I am doing this all for my children. Whether natural selection is real, or just something that scientists made up to piss off the Christians, my children will be prepared. They will never know what it is like to go through high school just being the funny fat guy, or being the girl that never gets asked to prom. They won't live alone well into their 30's, and then buy a bunch of animals(cats) to suppress the amount of sadness they feel from being alone. They won't go through their life always wondering why attraction plays such a huge factor in their inability to fully enjoy life. Don't argue that a person doesn't need to have another person to validate their existence, because, though it is true that another person can't solve all of your problems, it is true that another person can help you find the part of yourself that is not capable of finding without them. I don't want my children to experience the void that is caused by feeling that they aren't capable of the feelings that are associated with romance. There is a magic that is present in a relationship that can't be synthesized or substituted. Why do you think everyone wants to be in love? It is for those reasons.

<---------------------This section is very off topic, and mopey. Feel free to skip.--------------------------->

I am not going to lie. I want to be in love. Am I desperate? Definitely, but why is it such a bad thing to want something that I have never had? I feel that I have every right to be so. I am sick of the way that I feel being alone. The biggest problem is that I have no clue what I am missing which makes me want it more. Every spark of romance that I have been a part of has been short lived. This has left me with an unquenchable thirst for romance that has yet to be satisfied. This, combined with my constant failure of romantic pursuits, has turned me from an outgoing and pleasant person to a complete introvert. The thought of relationships, and the fact that I am not in one, consumes my thoughts, and is completely destroying the person that I am or once was. Why am I writing this? Because I may be losing control, and because, I don't want to admit it, I am secretly hoping that some beautiful woman is going to read this and feel sorry enough for me that she will give me a chance. I have stayed sane this long by accepting that there are a lot of people older than I am that are in the same situation, but the question still remains. I am, or once was, a pleasant person with a great sense of humor, and I have many qualities that, I have been, told are desirable. So, why then can I not acquire that which I seek? There is obviously something wrong with me that people aren't telling me about for whatever reason. I am so sick of people sugar coating everything. I created a website asking for honest opinions of me, and I didn't get anywhere with it. It was completely anonymous. Yet, no one had anything productive to say on this subject. By the way, if you are reading this and you sent a message, this is really the answer I was looking for. I still appreciate your time though. It seems that I am in a 10+ year downward spiral that ends with insanity, and that the only hope that I foresee is some girl lowering her standards. It is really pathetic, but I am afraid it is true. It isn't like I am not fun to be around. People generally like to be around me, and though I am very sarcastic and probably come off as a chauvinist pig. I really do respect women, and hold them in the highest regard. I guess the real reason that I am writing this is due to the fact that I have no clue what to do. So if you have any thoughts concerning my dilemma, or you are gorgeous and secretly want to be with me. Go here and let me know either way. I prefer constructive advice. Not to be a jerk, but "hang in there" or "you really shouldn't be so dependent on another person" are examples of things that will likely just anger me. Ok, I am done now.

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To sum up. I am shallow, but because I want what is best for my kids. I am desperate, and there is no changing that. And, this post did not go in the direction that I had originally intended. So, sorry for that everyone. All this loneliness is clouding the funny part of my brain. Ok, go away now. I have wasted enough of your time. Go to youtube and watch the monkey scratching his butt, and falling out of the tree. That is funny the first 5 times you watch it.

I Am Making A Plan To Stop Making Plans

2012-12-08T11:33:00.001-08:00

This probably sounds like it is going to be a whiney post about how people suck, and never follow through on their plans. While you are correct in your assumption, I am also going to try and be as objective as I can about this topic. I don't want to bore you to death with my problems like everyone else online does to me. I am going to try my hardest to make this entertaining for you guys.

Making a plan for anything is just stupid. What you are really doing is setting yourself up to get let down. How many times have you made a plan, and it has completely fallen through? Ok, now subtract the times that it was your fault, because I want to just focus on things that are out of your control. Ok, now divide that number by the amount of times that you have made a plan. If you don't know how many times you have made a plan, then maybe you should keep better records of your plan making. Ok, what is the percentage that you came up with? Mine was 99%. Yes, I did make that number up on the spot based on my current feelings. Because, it seems like 99% of the time it is other people screwing up my plans. I don't need to do math to figure that out. All of that adding and dividing was just filler, because I didn't know what I was going to say at that moment. I am pretty much just writing this as I am thinking. Ok, so 99% of the time it is your fault that my plans don't work out. Why don't you want me to be happy? I try to be nice and inviting to you, and even, depending on your gender, offer to buy you dinner. Yes I am talking about making plans with women. Do you think I really give a crap about hanging out with some dude. That is going to happen any way. I have no problems keeping plans with guys, because they, like me, are always doing nothing because their plans were canceled by women too. If it seems like most of my posts are about being angry toward women, then you are very observant. Yes, I am angry at women. I didn't ask them to ruin my life. I didn't ask them to be incredibly attractive, and make me wish I were dead. I don't blame nature, because I am not native american. Trust me, if I could talk to nature I would give it a piece of my mind. But, because I am not Pocahontas I have to channel my anger to the next source of my frustration which happens to be females. If I could turn off the switch in my brain that makes me think I need to impress and obtain women, then my life would immediately become easy. Could you imagine the world if all men did that. I mean the gays have the right idea. You know, except for the being attracted to men part. They just overshot too much. I want the middle ground. Where I don't give a crap about anything, and I can just live without the neediness and constant feeling of inadequacy. Oh, this is completely off topic, but I found out why people drink. I went to my company Christmas party, and they were giving out prizes. They had just enough prizes to make 1/3 of the company want to kill themselves. You know that feeling when they are drawing names for multiple $500 prizes, and you keep thinking it is going to be you, but then it isn't? Yeah, it's right after that. When you don't win, and everyone around you did. Not to say that I picked up drinking, but there was that thought in my mind. It wasn't so I could drown my sorrows or anything. I just wanted to find a quick way to kill my brain cells so that I wouldn't remember not winning an iPad. Unfortunately, I don't drink. So the memory of people winning prizes still haunts me. Have I guilted you into buying me an iPad yet? If not, I can tell you the story of when I was almost homeless. Maybe then you will get one for me. I am not gonna buy one. Are you kidding me? I have no use for it. It is just a big iPhone, but with cool touch features. I just want one dangit, and I am not going to pay for it either.

I can't even remember what I was talking about now. I am just pissed, because I don't have an iPad. I think I was talking about how I want to be uninfluenced by women, or something like that. That is basically my point. If I am not influenced by women, then I will be less likely to make plans. Then I will finally be able to go a week without feeling sorry for myself, because someone canceled their plans with me. I am not talking about just one person either. This is multiple people that continuously cancel plans. That is why I am so pissed to the point of writing about it. The moral of this post is don't make plans with people (women), because they will inevitably let you down. It is best to just be a loner, and not have people (women) in your life. People (women) are there just to make your life terrible, and cause you to think that you are worthless. It is people (women) that are the cause of all sadness in the world. So go kill yourself so that you can be happy.

Merry Christmas!

Why I Probably Need A Wife

2012-11-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

So I may have mentioned this all before, but I feel like saying it again. You gotta problem with that? Here is the deal. I am naturally indecisive, and I naturally lack motivation. I am sure it is because of some psychological problem that stems from my childhood, but nonetheless it is a fact. So how do I get past those problems then? Well I will tell you. From my experience when a girl gives me attention I automatically begin to do things against my nature. For instance, I will start thinking ridiculous things like I need to start working out, and start eating better. Maybe I should stop playing video games as much as I do, and pick up a book. A lot of guys are like that, but after the attention wears off you are back at the same place you were. Eating fast food, sitting naked in a bean bag chair playing Call of Duty all night, and refusing to take a shower. So here is my solution to doing things that are good for me. Get married. Just like inanimate objects we are also subject to newtons laws. I have inertia of the mind as well as the body. Generally, until I am told to do a task the task doesn't exist in my mind. This is why there can be a pile of dishes in the sink, 3 bags of trash, and a baby playing with razor blades and a guy won't do anything about it. His mind is at rest. It is only until the screaming wife freaks out, and yells at him to fix those things that his mind and body can begin to move. It's all physics people. This is also why men can do a task that is seemingly mindless for hours. They were put in motion, and they haven't had an outside force to stop them. Obviously, some mindless tasks cause more inertia than others. Take watching tv or playing video games for instance. If a guy is doing one of those, and his wife is telling him to do something like take out the trash or change a diaper. That is pretty much the equivalent of stopping a semi truck going 50 mph with a kitten. That is why the wife in this instance has to start yelling at him. Slowly the kitten begins to turn into something big enough to cause that semi truck to stop. This is why there are so many more homeless men than women. They got stuck in that state of rest, and there was no woman to get him out of it. Is this making sense yet? Either way I think I am getting a little off track. My point is that I need someone who gives me motivation. Otherwise I will remain at my current state of mindlessness and bad habits. It is a bad place to be. I don't really feel like working, because any kind of work sucks pretty much. I would much rather be doing nothing than doing something. It is definitely easier, and what am I working for right now? To not be in debt? Well that is just stupid. I am gonna be in debt whether or not I work or decide to not work. I might as well be in debt while I am relaxing and not doing anything. Right? At least that is the way I feel. Now if there was another person involved to say "Jake, get your A** out of bed, and go to work. We need grocery money. Oh, and when you get off work we are going to the gym so you can lose all that fat you acquired over the span of your entire life!" Then I would have that outside force to act on me, and get me to do stuff. It is very simple. Yet, so incredibly complex for some reason. Hopefully now the women that read this can kind of understand men a little bit better. That way they understand that they have a very important role in the world, and maybe instead of getting angry when us guys don't do something. They will realize that role of importance and embrace it. Women are very essential in things getting done in this world, and they need to do their part and yell at their husbands and/or boyfriends to get up and do something. If you don't have a boyfriend I can think of at least one guy that needs a woman in his life (me). So get out there and do your part women!

Oh, before I end this I did have a thought today that I would like to share with the women reading this. If you find out that a guy is facebook stalking you please don't get creeped out. Guys are very precise when they are interested in something or someone. Watch a guy that is planning on buying some kind of electronic online. He looks at everything before he can make a decision. He will spend hours doing research on that product, and possible wait an entire month before he decides he is actually going to buy it. That is essentially what a guy is doing when he is facebook stalking you. He is trying to learn about you. Granted you have no idea that he is doing it, and this is a little creepy, but still be flattered that he is interested enough to be doing that research on you. Oh, and let's be honest here. It isn't like you make your photos public for no reason. "Oh, I just got back from the beach look at all these new pictures of me in a bikini." Don't even act like you didn't want a bunch of guys to be browsing through facebook, and come across those pictures of you. You want the attention just as bad as the nerdy guy with acne looking at your pictures genuinely wants to be your boyfriend. And that's all I have to say about that.

Later!

This is why I knew I didn't want to be an adult!

2012-11-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Remember that one time that I had a blog and I hadn't written in it for almost 2 months? Ok, seriously though. I am kinda upset with the fact that it has been so long. So let me update you on everything that is me. I got a job with that company that I did the drug screening for. Oh, sorry. For whom I did the drug screening (See my last post). So I was in training for 5 weeks, and things seemed great. Then I actually started the job, and I absolutely hated it. It was tech support. 'Nuff said. So the second I actually started doing real work there I started applications for other jobs. Needless to say that if you apply and send resumes to 50 different companies in the space of 2 weeks you will likely get some interviews. Well it only took 1 interview for a company to realize that I am amazing, and I had another job. Now I am an account manager at Boostability. It sounds great, but here is what I really do. I wake up at 6:45 am, which I never knew existed until last wednesday, but it is there. Ruining peoples lives and eating all their steak. Anyway, I have to be to work by 8. So I leave my place at about 7:35 am to get there on time. When I get there we have a short meeting, and then start calling clients. That is pretty much my entire job. I have a list of clients that I call every day, and once I have exhausted that list I am pretty much done with work. Once I am finished with everything I pretty much just sit around for a couple of hours doing nothing, and listening to my coworkers talk about Pokemon and Magic the Gathering. Or I sit and stare at the gorgeous receptionist, and imagine that she is my Pam Beesly and I am her Jim Halpert. I do this until 5pm when I clock out and go home. Then I get to start all over again. The reason I mention all of this is because I have realized something about myself. I hate having a job. My entire life philosophy is trying to live instead of being a robot that has a routine for 40 years, and essentially fast forwards their life to the point where they have devoted all their time to something for which they had no passion. I can't let my life come to this. I want to live every day, but even though I have only had my job for a week I am seeing myself start to adopt that routine work ethic. Where you long for the end of the day. Similar to the guy in prison longs for his life sentence to end. Only my prison is the cost of living. The weekend is really the only time you have for yourself, but even then it is gone by the time you realize that it was there. My point is that I want to live. As opposed to the people that just turn on autopilot at work, and try to find ways to make the time go by faster. It is just a waste of your already short life.
I love statistics. So here are some statistics about the amount of my time that is technically not really mine to live. There are 168 hours in a week. I am at work around 45 hours each week. I spend 6 hours and 15 minutes in preparation to be to work on time per week. I spend an additional hour and 40 minutes driving home from work per week. So I spend 52 hours and 55 minutes with work related time consumption. So in the average week I spend 31.527778% of my life with work. In addition if I got 8 hours of sleep each night that is an additional 33.33333% of the week spent asleep. Basically, 65% of my week is already spoken for. The other 35% is time that I have for myself. Honestly, I feel kinda ripped off. That means that I pretty much am only living 35% of my life. I don't feel like that is adequate. Is it just me that feels like they can't accept that as a reality? The sad part is that a lot of that 35% of time that is actually mine is spread around. So I can't even fully take advantage of it. I have about 5 hours when I get home before I need to go to bed to get a decent amount of sleep. In that 5 hours I have to eat something, possibly do laundry, go shopping for groceries, and whatever else is necessary. I am afraid that I only actually live a small percentage of my life, and that deeply concerns me, and I have an incredibly hard time accepting this information as a reality.
So the question now is how do I accomplish having a decent paying job that allows me to live my life? Honestly, I don't think it's possible. At least not from my observations. So basically the moral of this story is that we waste a lot of our lives, and really death is the only escape. Now that I have come to that conclusion I guess what I really want to say is goodbye cruel world. The time has come to end my mortal existence. No longer shall I be a slave to this world! Let it be written on my tombstone "He was a great guy...I guess...He whined a lot."

Ok, that is all.

Tune in next time when I will apparently be blogging from beyond the grave.

The Drug Screening - A Short Story Based on Actual Events By Jacob Cox

2012-09-01T11:47:00.004-07:00

I had a rare opportunity yesterday. I was recently hired as an inbound tech support representative, and in order to be eligible for the job, after being hired, you have to comply with a drug screening within 24 hours. This drug screening happened to be a urine test. I can imagine all the people doing drugs just laughing at all the rest of us who have to go through the hell of being administered a urine test. Jerks! Anyway, let me tell you the story of my adventure.

It was about 2 pm when I left the office of Teleperformance knowing that I had only until 2pm the next day to go to work med and have the urine test administered to me. At the time I didn't have to pee. My plan was to drink as much water as I could that evening to ensure that I would not have any problem doing my business into a cup the next day. Unfortunately, that wasn't exactly how it was going to play out.

5:15 pm August 30th, 2012

My thoughts had been racing. I had finally gotten a decent paying job, and was, basically, promised a promotion after 3 months. So excited was I, that the urge to pee came. My first thought was, "Well this is really convenient. Had it been 30 minutes earlier I would have been able to get the drug screening out of the way tonight. Oh well, I will drink, and make sure that I am ready to go tomorrow morning."

Night fell upon Utah Valley, and the clouds were beautifully illuminated by the glowing moon. The air was heavy, and the rain had brought about a wonderful smell from the earth. The silver lining around the clouds reminded me of the mucosa lining inside my bladder. It was time to drink (water) and play Call of Duty. As I sit there yelling at people, and insisting that I knew their mothers intimately, the hours passed and my bladder continued to fill.

1 am August 31st, 2012

I finally got gold camouflage for my P90. It was then time for me to turn off the lights, check facebook and twitter, and go to bed. Sleep overcame me.

9 am August 31st, 2012

The morning had arrived as swiftly as a black guy running from a carnivorous wild beast in the heart of Africa. I ate an apple, drank my last large gulp of water, and got ready. I could feel my bladder sending signals to my brain indicating that we were all go for the drug screening to take place at 1000 hours.

10am August 31st, 2012

I arrived at WorkMed in Orem. I approached the front desk and gave the receptionist my paperwork, and she gave me a clipboard with a form that I needed to fill out. As I looked around the room I felt the smell of blue collar workers tickle my nose. I knew why they were there, and they knew why I was there. I filled out my paperwork promptly and took it back to the receptionist. It was now time to play the waiting game.

15 minutes passed. Name after name had been called, and I couldn't help but notice how attractive the nurse was. Finally, I heard it. "Jake, we're ready for you." This nurse was hot. I can't think of any celebrities that she looked particularly similar too. So just imagine a really hot 5'5" brunette in scrubs, and that will probably be pretty close. I had noticed in the waiting room that I had to pee a little, and figured that I would have no problem. The nurse asked for my two forms of ID, gave me a cup, and said, "Make sure you fill it to this line. The more the better." I opened the door, and walked in. It was time.

2 minutes passed. Nothing. I could feel myself tensing up, and getting nervous, and my thoughts began to race. "Why wouldn't anything come out? I had to go right before I came in. It must be that hot nurse standing right outside the door. How awkward is that? Why do most light fixtures look suspiciously like boobs? Everyone can hear me doing my business. What kind of sick torturous person would make people do this in these conditions? What is the name of the actor that plays Captain Hook in the movie Hook? Come on just go already!

I heard the nurse. "Jacob, have you been able to go at all?"

"No. Not really. I need to go, but I think I just have stage fright." I replied.

"Ok, I will give you one more minute. Then if you can't go come out and drink some water."

"Ok."

That was the fastest minute of my life. Unfortunately, there was no urine. I now had to face everyone with an empty cup, and go to the water cooler. 8 cups of water later and I feel like crap. My stomach is waterlogged, and I am no closer to urinating. So I sit and wait praying that nature will take it's course as quickly as possible.

10 minutes pass, then 20. Still nothing. Doctors and nurses walking by start looking at me. I feel so helpless. Another 15 minutes passed. I begin to talk to my body. "Why can't you just pee already? I know you are in there pee. Don't be shy. I am not gonna hurt you. I am just gonna put some of you in a cup and give it to the hot nurse lady." Still nothing. I didn't expect my body to reply. I don't have the best relationship with it after all. It is like my body is a rebellious teenager. I tell it things like 'don't get fat', 'don't get sick', or 'be more attractive, and stop making rumbling noises when there are girls in the room because they probably think it's a fart, but it's really not', but it always does the opposite. For once I wish my body would just do what I say, but alas this was not the case.

11:30 am August 31st, 2012

"I have been here for an hour and a half, and still nothing. Ok, I should have done this an hour ago. i am going to Google 'how to make yourself pee'. Ok, there are a lot of different things. Drink a lot of water, drink something with caffeine, drink alcohol. Crap, these are all things that I would have to do before coming here. Wait...distract yourself? I can do that. There are games on my phone. I will just play one of them."

I opened up temple run, and began to play. "Sacre Bleu! What's this? 30 seconds into playing and I have to pee?" I was sure it was just a fluke, but the urge began to increase. I stopped playing, and put my phone in my pocket to go tell them I was ready. Upon putting my phone in my pocket the urge had gone. "It must have been a fluke", I thought. So I began to play again. Once more. I had to pee. What black magic was this? I again put my phone in my pocket, and it was gone. I did this 5 more times, and got to the point where I was doing the urine equivalent of prairie dogging it.

11:45 am August 31st, 2012

I get up and go around the corner to the urination station (haha rhyme). I approached the male nurse, thank goodness, and told him that I was ready. After a few minutes, there I was. Just me, and this stupid little plastic see through cup with a black line on it, but now I was ready. I don't know if you have had to do this before, but let me give you a little information. This cup is nowhere near big enough for you to completely pee in. So, what you have to do is pee into the cup at basically half speed, which is incredibly difficult when your bladder is full, and then stop the stream and aim it into the toilet. I know this now. I didn't exactly do enough preparation before I started peeing. I was too preoccupied with the fact that I actually had to pee to think about anything else. So there I was. Cup half full, and still going strong. Lucky for me there was no lid on the toilet, but there was still a seat, and no where close to set the cup. I was stuck. Somehow I had to set down the cup, and lift that seat. I don't want to get too graphic with details so I will spare you the particulars. After some "maneuvering" I finally set the cup down, lifted the seat, and finished my business. It was finally over, and I could leave. After washing my hands of course.

This experience has left me wondering a lot of things. The biggest question in my mind is why a cup? And, if they need to have it a cup, why not a really really big cup? There HAS to be a better, and easier, way to do that. There just has to. How about peeing into an IV type of bag? Then you can fill the whole thing up, and they can take what they need and throw the rest away, or drink it...or whatever they do with the remains. My point is that they need to figure out a better way to do a urine test. I am sure there are many people, like myself, that have had just terrible experiences with it. The very least they could do is not hire a super hot nurse to work at a place like that. That is just a recipe for awkward. Something else I have been thinking is how weird must it have been for the first person that had to do a urine test. I will just let you ponder that.

Later.

So I Started An Online Dating Profile

2012-08-29T09:34:00.003-07:00

Let me back up and give you some reasons that I did this. First of all there are always these commercials that claim that all these people have found their 'match' when they tried online dating. I am interested in finding my 'match' just as much as the next guy, but I am more of a believer in actually meeting people in real life, because, to be honest, if there was only a picture and some vague description of me, written by me of course, that is pretty sarcastic, because I wrote it, I doubt that there are very many scenarios where that would work to my advantage. The way I approach relationships, probably the worst way looking back on my track record, is by the age old admiring from afar. I flirt with girls, get to know them a little, hang out with them, become great friends with them, and if they never show interest then I just hold onto the hope that they will eventually find that they have liked me all along, but they never realized it. Well Jake, it is obvious that is a pretty stupid way to approach it, because it is likely that the girl doesn't even know you are interested, and you pretty much set yourself up to be in the friend zone. Well thank you. I realize that. Unfortunately, I lack the confidence to go any further, and the hope that she would one day like me overpowers, in my mind, the likelihood that she would be interested now. Anyway enough with my personal efforts to stay single my whole life. The biggest reason that I joined this online dating site was because I like to experience things and find out what they are like and how they work. I am somewhat of a social scientist without the title, degree, or knowledge. Basically, I am just a very curious person. I wanted to see what it was like, and, who knows, maybe find love (I doubt it) in the process. Here is what I have found:

Most of the girls that I have seen on there are, to put it nicely, sweet spirits. This is the biggest pit fall to online dating sites for me. I have said it before and I will say it again. I am pretty shallow. Nature made me that way. I would love to be attracted to women that aren't attractive to me. Do you know how easy that would be? Pretty easy I'd wager. Sure personality is a definite must, but I don't think that I could have a really strong love for someone that I am not physically attracted too. It is terrible I know. She doesn't have to be perfect, but she does have to be perfect for me.

The next most prominent group of women are single mothers who are now looking for a nice guy type after their terrible 1-2 year marriage to, most likely, and alcoholic pig douche jerk face prick. What I think is that they still hold on to the idea that they will find a guy who is, more or less, the same as the first guy except doesn't beat her and make her cry. The reason I believe this is because I have been interested in a few single moms in the past year (I even asked one out by writing her a song, an encrypted letter, and built her a website that the encrypted letter sent her too...This whole elaborate scheme and not one date.), and from what I can tell this is exactly how the majority of them are. The reality is that they will inevitably go in circles with guys that are practically the exact same as the first. Possibly even worse.

The 3rd biggest group of women are single and incredibly attractive. Girls like that pretty much have their choice of any guy they could want. My question is why are they on a dating website when they probably go on 2-3 dates every night with a wait list that is 5 miles long, and booked a year in advance. My guess is that they crave attention. I read one girls profile that said she gets around 200 messages a day. Yeah, I think she is getting all the attention she wants. My bet is that she barely responds to any. If she even does respond. She just feeds off of the attention, and allows her head to consistently get bigger, metaphorically speaking.

The smallest group of girls are the actual datable girls. These are the ones that are really cute(not hot...BIG difference), and likely aren't stuck up their butts. These kind of girls are genuine, and would likely reply and might even be interested, because they don't receive as much attention as they deserve making them more approachable and down to earth.

So that is more or less what you are dealing with if you are a guy and on a dating site. I think the likelihood of finding love is pretty equal to actual life. Maybe you have more of a reach, but to actually find someone that is right for you is, likely, just as much effort as finding girls in real life. Granted people do take more chances online. They are more outspoken, and have more confidence than in face to face situations. So, I guess, it really depends on what kind of person you are, and mostly what you are looking for. I have only been on the site for a few days. Maybe I should give it more time before I make any conclusive statements. If anything actually happens I will be sure to update everyone who is interested. If nothing happens, the more likely possibility, then I will likely delete my account, and completely deny that I ever had an online dating profile. Then I will continue my current approach with women and meet a lot of babes, but totally get friend zoned. There is the other possibility that I will become blind and not have to worry about physical attraction. You know what. Let's all hope for that one. I could see myself being blind. Not literally, that would be impossible, but I could imagine my life as a blind person. Never again would I have to see gorgeous women, and wish I were dead. Yeah it would get old after a while. I mean it must be pretty boring to see nothing all the time, but that is the price you pay to be happy I guess. Also, that drastically reduces the chances that someone will put a gun to my head and force me to watch Jersey Shore, Pretty Little Liars, or some other ridiculous tv show that someone would torture you with. I imagine that is what hell is like. You get there and you have 2 options. Being strapped to a bed and have acid dropping on your forehead for eternity, or having to watch a never ending marathon of one of those shows. Note to self: avoid going to hell.

Until next time,

Brace Yourself, This Is Gonna Sting

2012-07-29T15:25:00.003-07:00

I am getting pretty frustrated. Apparently it isn't ok to have an opinion unless your opinion is the same as everyone else's opinion. It isn't ok to be religious, because religion restricts people's ability to think and express themselves. It isn't ok to believe that marriage is suppose to be between a man and a woman, because if you believe that then you are a homophobe. If you are white, then you are automatically going to be racist about everything you say. If you say someone is fat, then you are insensitive and you should take it back because obviously it isn't true. Guess what? This is all bull crap.

Religion doesn't restrict people as much as you would think. It gives people, at least, a grain of moral fiber. Without religion there isn't really a moral compass. There is no definitive way of proving what is right or wrong. Even if religion is all bogus. It, at the very least, gives people boundaries. It tells people that they shouldn't kill people, do drugs, be abusive, and that they should generally be good to their fellow man. I am so sick of all this negativity against religion. What does that say about the person that is against it? That they don't think people should be good to each other, or that they should kill people at random? Obviously, it isn't good to blindly follow a religion and do everything it says just because "that's what you are suppose to do", but at least religion gives you some kind of a direction to live your life. Who knows, maybe it is ok to follow a religion, a good one, blindly. I know a lot of people that do and guess what? They are happy. Who are you to take away their happiness with angry words and actions. We aren't here to be mean to one another. I don't care if religion is bogus or not. I think our goal should be to help each other find happiness. If killing people makes you happy, then you should probably be locked up because you are a psychopath. Am I making myself clear? I have a lot more to say.

I don't think that gay people should be able to be married. There I said it. It isn't because I am christian, or that I have been brainwashed. I just don't think it is right. As far as I am concerned marriage has its roots in religion, and everyone wants religion to be out of the picture. So I don't understand exactly why they are pushing so hard for it. Until now the only reason marriage was even entered into is so that a man and a woman could formally state that they want to create a family. Well, as far as I know, gay couples don't have the correct reproductive organs to create life. So they have no need to enter a union such as marriage. Why can't they just live together? Male and female couples do that all the time now anyway. Why is it such a big deal for a gay couple to have the title of marriage? Is it just so that they can feel equal? Is it because they want to prove a point? Is it because they want to feel like they had an impact on something? Whatever it is I don't understand why it is such a big deal. If you are gay good for you, but I don't see why you feel you have to create such a big war over something that was never meant for you. I honestly don't think that a lot of heterosexual couples should be married. It seems that marriage has just turned into a more formal version of dating. People get bored of it, and then they decide to get divorced. They don't work at it, or try to fix things. They are just lazy about it, and give up. I don't think that people like that should be married in the first place. If anything marriage should have even more strict laws for heterosexual couples who want to get married. They should do away with the quicky vegas chapels, and interview marriage candidates to make sure that they are going to take it seriously. I know I am being blunt about this, and that a lot of people probably don't agree, but this is the real world. You can't have everything that you want. That is just how it is. Just because I want to spend the rest of my life with ice cream doesn't mean I am gonna try to start a revolution to allow my right to marry dessert foods. Marriage is sacred to people. That is why it is being defended so strongly by individuals and religions. It isn't because they hate gays. It is because they feel so strongly about it being the way that it is. Remember they are trying to defend what they believe in. It isn't like marriage was just created 50 years ago to prevent people from being gay. It is the gay community that attacked those that believe that marriage as being between a man and a woman. I think it is almost humorous that they feel discriminated against, when in reality it is completely the other way around. Religions and individuals alike that believe in the traditional sense of marriage are being attacked and discriminated against because of their beliefs. The owner of a large food chain announced publicly that he believed in marriage between a man and a woman, and now there are cities all across america that won't let that chain of restaurants in their city. Just because of what he believes. Tell me now, who is discriminating and attacking whom?

I am so sick of people feeling discriminated against. I feel that all the wrong people are trying to fight for their rights, and all the decent people are sitting back watching all of their rights getting taken away. I, for one, will not stand for this. The world is becoming unstable, because the amount of people with moral values are getting outnumbered by people that are selfish and want only what is good for themselves. How about instead of fighting each other in a war that we will all lose, we fight for a country that protects its citizens by creating jobs, getting out of debt, and funding projects to take our dependance off of oil. We need to stop babying people that feel discriminated against, and start fighting for a better future instead of one that has laws protecting criminals and people who just want rights for their own gain. We are losing our collective freedoms for the freedoms of a few. There is a war against good and evil going on, and I am not so certain that good is going to prevail. I am not saying that you aren't good if you are gay, or if you don't believe in religion. You aren't good if you continually put others down, if you are selfish, and if you are consistently contentious with people that don't share the same views as you do. I believe that people can live happily the way they want to if they can make some compromises. Life isn't perfect for everyone, and that is just how it is. Just learn to let some things go. The more people push to have things changed to their own way, the more others rights will be taken away. Not everyone can have their own way, but there can be a balance where people won't feel that they have no rights at all. That is what we need to fight for. Not all of this legalize gay marriage, do away with religion, and protect "my personal rights" crap.

Obviously, people aren't going to agree with what I said, and I will likely have a bunch of comments of people nay saying. Go for it. I won't change my stand on what I have said. Unlike a lot of people I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but just because you have an opinion you don't have to make everyone else miserable by shoving it in their face all the time. People will say, but hey religious people are trying to shove their beliefs in our face all the time. Yeah, guess who else shoves their beliefs in everyone's face all the time? Look at yourself before you make an accusation, and ask yourself if maybe you are also to blame. The only way anything is going to change for the good is if everyone starts asking themselves if they are the person causing the problem.

$%@#!

2012-07-18T18:18:00.003-07:00

I just had a delicious Durangos salad. Time to blog. Something I was just thinking about is swearing. Although I don't encourage people to swear I do find it quite hilarious when people do. Little background on me. I find most things hilarious. This is why I don't think I would be cut out for a serious executive job. I was in a business meeting yesterday for the company I work for, and the guy in charge of the meeting said "duty". I almost started laughing, because in my mind duty converts to doodie (poo). It took quite a bit of effort to not laugh. What I am saying is that just because I am 24 it doesn't mean that I am going to act like an adult. I possess the ability to act like an adult from time to time, but if someone says "do do" or "duty" or anything even close to a "that's what she said" I can barely control myself. So having said that, back to what I was originally saying. I know that swearing is childish and inappropriate, but I just find it funny. You can't have the same bout of laughter from someone saying "shoot" after doing something stupid as you can when someone yells the swear word equivalent. This is my opinion at least. I mean yeah, there are some people that don't ever condone swearing, and those people are good people and in some cases have a sense of humor. I don't think it is nice to call them prudes, or make fun of them. It is not my place or anyone else's place to judge anyone on how they live their lives. Unless they are a felon in which case the judge will judge them, but that is beside the point. I think swearing is funny in a lot of cases.

There are a lot of circumstances where swearing is annoying, and very inappropro (hip and cool way of saying inappropriate). This is when 13 year olds are swearing because they think they are cool and rebelling. This is neither funny or even close to the right context for swearing. Swearing, when done correctly, will flow effortlessly and either convey an emotional extreme, be hilarious, or even a little of both. For me, when I say stuff like shoot, darn, freak, crap...I am usually thinking it's inappropro equivalent. So really, I don't see the difference between them. Like I said before, you aren't a square or a prude if you don't approve of swearing. You are even likely a better person than I, but I am a really easy going person and don't really get offended very often. I just like to laugh. I believe this is a better way of reacting to situations. If you get offended by things usually it is just awkward for everyone, and I hate feeling uncomfortable. Obviously, there are some things that offend me, but generally speaking it is very difficult to offend me. I believe this makes life easier for me, and allows people to enjoy my company. There are just way to many people who take things seriously, and unfortunately that is their entire life. I don't understand how a person can be so serious about stuff all the time. We are here to be happy, and be good people. Not to get offended by other people. It is your problem if you are offended, not anyone else's. Your choice is to take offense, and I would say that most of the time it isn't worth it.

I felt like I was gonna wrap this up, but I just thought of a story to prove my point about this. My sophomore year in high school was shaping up great. The seniors were large and definitely in charge, such as it is in high schools. The beginning of the year assembly was practiced, and deemed appropro by whomever was in charge of deeming things at the school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin' trouble in ma neighborhood. I got in one little fight...Just kidding. The whole point of the assembly was to make everyone laugh. Unfortunately, there were some students in my class that take things too seriously. In the assembly the seniors were making fun of sophomores, and at one point they had spray bottles of, what they called, sophomore repellant. If a sophomore came too close they would spray the repellant, and the sophomore would be repelled. There was another sketch where some sophomores were walking to Wendy's, since they didn't have cars, and they had a senior on a scooter drive by and circle them while laughing hysterically and pointing at them. I was in tears, because I was laughing so hard. Most of the sophomores were, but there were a couple of them who were in tears because they chose to be offended by the skits. After a few phone calls from some parents who, apparently, had no sense of humor either. We were forced to stop the tradition of making fun of sophomores. A tradition that had been passed down for years. It was all done in fun, and it was clear that there were no hurtful intentions. I mean there were sophomores on stage acting this out for crying out loud. The students in the sophomore sections were laughing just as hard at it as any other section of students.

The moral of this story is to choose to laugh when given the option. Hint: there is always that option. When people get offended they complain. When they complain they guilt the person they are complaining to into changing the rules that regulate what they were complaining about. When those rules change everyone else has to start living by rules that were made because 1 or 2 people were offended by something they shouldn't have been offended by. This is what is happening everywhere. Everyone feels that because they are offended by something they can go complain, and have it their way. Well because of that the constitution has turned into a Burger King menu.

A Letter to Facebook Users

2012-07-06T15:33:00.001-07:00

Dear friends who insists on posting hundreds of pictures that are anything but interesting,

Please understand that I don't care that you feel that you are expressing yourself through a photo that someone stole from google images and then photoshopped words on to it. I am getting to the point where I don't even care if it is funny. Sure I like a laugh, but I am beginning to do anything but laugh. The amount of pointless pictures are greatly outweighing the amount of SuMmEr TwEnTy TwElVe albums that are being posted by the attractive women that I am trying to photo stalk. I am not the only person that feels this way. Trust me. So here is the thing. I am going to try and help you regain the trust of the people who are probably going to delete you if you don't stop it with all the photos.

Tip #1: If you come across a picture and it is funny. Ask yourself 2 questions. Did this make me actually laugh out loud, and have I shared over 5 pictures today. If you answered yes to the first question then, and no to the second question feel free to share the photo.

Tip #2: If you are a person that actually has albums of funny memes that you have been adding to, then instead of sharing a photo every second. Save the photos you like onto your computer, and after a day upload all those photos into an album. That way it is one post, and it isn't cluttering up my newsfeed. I really enjoy those kind of albums.

Tip #3: If you are posting pictures that aren't funny, and are "inspirational". STOP IT NOW! No one cares! I hate to be insensitive, but I am being completely honest. If you feel that you must post them, at least do as I have previously stated in the last tip so that I don't have to see them scattered throughout MY news feed.

Tip #4 This isn't exactly a tip, but listen and listen carefully. If you don't at least accomplish these few tips I, along with many others, will get sick of you and delete you as a friend. What are you gonna do with all of your photos when you have no one to share them with except the weird guy who added you a few years ago, and for some reason you accepted it. He isn't gonna delete you. He is too weird, and is probably stalking you.

So there you have it. If you want to be alone social networkingly speaking, then by all means keep posting all of your dumb photos, but I promise if it doesn't stop soon I will treat you as if you were a piece of crap and flush you down the proverbial social networking toilet. I am not sure that I used that correctly, but I still meant what I said even if I didn't say it right!

This message has been brought to you by The Foundation for a Better Facebook.

The Amazing Spiderman 2012 Review

2012-07-05T22:55:00.003-07:00

I had a very interesting 4th of July experience last night. It was about 8:15 PM at the Nygaard residence when I realized that I really didn't give a crap about watching fireworks. So after much deliberation I convinced a couple of people that we should go to the movie theater and watch the new Spiderman movie. My arguments were that first, everyone in town would be watching fireworks so there would be no one in the theater. The second was that I hadn't seen it yet. It was a wonderful plan. Almost bullet proof.

We got to the theater about 15 minutes before the movie started, and just like I had predicted the movie theater was practically barren. We entered our theater, and it was just us! In 1o minutes we would have our own theater to watch this movie, or so we thought. What I didn't consider when I devised this plan is that there are a group of people that live in America, but they don't really celebrate our independence. A family of this specific minority group entered the theater, and my dream had then been crushed. There were 3 children in this specific family. It was at this time that I began to fear for the worst. My second thought was trying to figure out why a group of people who's kids could only speak english would spend money to see something they couldn't understand. I thought that was a valid thought. But, their kids must have been quite persistent about it.

The movie then began, and lucky these children were well behaved, so I didn't have to kill them. It wouldn't have been a racist thing had I killed them. It would have been a "I am sick of people ruining movies because of their obnoxious children" thing. Seriously, there is a time for kids to see movies. That time is in the afternoon. If you are taking your child to a night time movie, bring a roll of duct tape and some Ritalin. If you don't have those things on your person at the entrance of the movie theater, and you have kids, you shouldn't be let in. Yes, this is my opinion, but it just so happens that a lot of people agree with this opinion. It is your fault you had children. Now you have to suffer the consequences of your actions. These consequences include not going to movies and wishing you were dead.

Ok, so the movie. Hopefully you are still with me, because this is the important part, and also my opinion. I loved the movie. I am usually really hard on movies, but I really don't have anything bad to say about it. I was thoroughly entertained the whole time, and unlike the other spiderman movies. This movie was more consistent with the comics and cartoons.

A lot of people are wondering why they made this new Spiderman movie. Well, it is because the other ones were pretty cheesy. Let's be honest, they were. The other big reason is that they weren't consistent with the original spiderman. In the cartoons and comics spiderman had cartridges, not web that magically shot out of his wrist. His abilities were spidey sense, super strength, and his ability to scale walls. Also, Mary Jane was not his first love interest. It was Gwen Stacey.

One of the main reasons that I really enjoyed this movie was the character development. They spent just under an hour introducing Peter Parker, and the rest of the characters. It gave the background of his parents, and why he ended up living with his uncle Ben and aunt May. And you really just got to know Peter Parker. You find out that he is into photography, and that he is very smart. They set up the story really well in that aspect.

I really enjoyed the more adult feel of the movie. Although it is a fictitious movie, the characters are very real. It gives real depth to the movie, and really grabs you from the beginning. I felt that it wasn't a perfect representation of high school, but in some aspects it was better than most. There were a few things that I could really relate to there. The villain was also well done. I felt that there was a good reason for him becoming a villain, and that it worked very well with the story.

Also, let's be real here. The biggest issue to address in a movie is the female lead. "Is she hot?" Well the only way that you can do better than Emma Stone is by getting Emma Watson, and I don't know that the character of Gwen Stacey is one that I could see Emma Watson doing. So for hot and capable female lead this movie gets a 10/10 hands down.

Overall this movie exceeded my expectations. I was very pleased with it, and I personally feel that everyone needs to see it. Had the avengers not come out, this movie would be the best film of the summer thus far in my opinion. So yeah. Go watch it. If you are disappointed then you don't deserve the right to see movies, and I will publicly mock you. Seriously it's a great movie. In fact, I want to see it again. That is how much I enjoyed this movie. Oh, I forgot to mention. The 3D was great. So if you have the money to spend I definitely suggest the 3D version. Definitely worth the money. Are you still reading this? Go get a ticket already. What have you got to lose? 10 bucks? 20 bucks? 1000 bucks? It doesn't matter, because you can't put a price tag...I lost my train of thought, but you get what I am saying.

Peace Out!

Texting and Driving: Safer Than Taking A Nap Underwater

2012-06-21T11:16:00.003-07:00

I was watching tv yesterday, and a commercial came on that started out with this girl talking about her sister and how she loved to laugh and was such a good person blah blah blah. Then she says "This is the text she was reading when she flipped her car." So at this point I am like "ok, this is an anti texting and driving commercial." Then it shows the word "Yeah". I almost lost it. The amount of time it takes to read the word yeah is like a fraction of a second. It takes less time to read that text than it takes to look at your mirrors or look at your mph gauge. Maybe she was just a really slow reader. I personally don't think it is good for a slow reader to be driving in the first place. How long would it take her to read street signs? She would have to come to a dead stop in the road every time she had to read one of them. That isn't safe. My point is the reason people are cracking down on texting and driving stems from the fact that people are too dumb to do it safely. I have been texting and driving since that combination was possible for me to do, and haven't even come close to an accident. This is because I do it safely. So I feel that since people are, apparently, so stupid maybe I should give some tips on texting and driving in a safe manner.

TIP #1

If you are driving in heavy traffic and your text ringer goes off you probably don't need to read the text that second. Wait until you get to a red light, or until the traffic gets so backed up that you have to come to a complete stop. This will ensure that you aren't staring down at your phone while there are a thousand cars on the road that have the potential to crash into you as you drift across lanes because you aren't looking at the road.

TIP #2

If you are driving in traffic that isn't exactly heavy and the cars are spread further out here is a time that you can probably pull of texting somewhat safely. But, only if you do it as I describe. Otherwise you might as well jerk your steering wheel and ram into the car next to you and get it over with right now. What you will first do is make sure that your phone is in a location where it can be grabbed easily. A pocket, on the floor, or somewhere in or around the backseat are not examples of grabbed easily. Make sure at least one of your hands is on the steering wheel. Now you are ready to read the text. Take a really good look at all of your surroundings. Where cars are, how much space you have in front of you, if there is a traffic light or stop sign coming up, if there are potential cars that could cut you off, you get the idea. Lift your phone to eye level so that you can see the road in your periphery as you read one or 2 words at a time. After you read the first word or couple of words make sure to look at the road again, and repeat that process until you have read the text. Remember that each time you look at the road again you need to assess everything that is going on so as to lower the possibility of doing something stupid. Also, pray for a red light, because reading a text like that is lengthy and kind of annoying. A red light gives you the opportunity to read the whole text without worrying about doing something stupid.

The next step is actually texting back. Prepare to look at your phone the same way as I have told you to prepare to read. Make sure you know what you are going to say. The less you have to think about what you are saying while you are texting the less distracted you will be. Try to keep the text as short as possible. Type, at the most, 2 letters at a time, make sure you are completely surveying the road each time you look.

TIP #3

If you have a smart phone there are a few ways that you can eliminate a lot of the risk. If you own an android there should be a speech to text button in your message screen. If you own an iPhone 4 or older there is an app called dragon dictation that is a speech to text converter. If you own an iPhone 4s I am jealous, and you have siri who can text for you. This will greatly reduce the amount of time that you spend per text, and eliminate the need to actually type the message out.

TIP #4

If you have a passenger you can almost completely reduce the risks of texting and driving. I greatly suggest that you hand your phone to your passenger and ask them to read your texts and text back for you. Unless you are on a road trip and they have been eating Cheetos. Because I have been there before. You don't want them touching your phone at all. Unless you enjoy having powdered cheese caked onto your phone. Which I do not prefer at all. I had to clean my phone for like 10 minutes to get all that crap off. Lucky for me it was my iphone and there is only 1 button, and I have a screen cover. I can't even imagine if there were a ton of buttons, and all that crap got under them and made the buttons stick. It is just a mess. On a side note. If you are gonna touch someone's phone. Be considerate, and make sure your hands are clean. I bet you are asking how you can accomplish this while on a road trip and you are eating Cheetos. Well I will tell you. You open the bag, and pour them into your mouth. Yay, no mess!

TIP #5

If you are having a full blown conversation in your texts. Just call the person. Texting is a way to relay a short message to someone without having to call them, and it allows the person receiving the message to read it at their leisure. It was never meant to replace communication the way that it has. Just call the person, or better yet go spend time with them. The only time that it is appropriate to have a full blown conversation over a text is when you are in a social setting, and you have to tell someone sitting across from you something that is inappropriate to tell to the entire group. For example, a girl is talking about her dads boat. "Yeah, it is sooo big." Your text message to your friend across from you: "That's what she said." Then they reply back with something that they don't want to say out loud to everyone. It works in many situations. Another example, I went to a friends house to watch a movie. There were 4 people there. Me, the girl I liked at the time, a guy, and his girlfriend. Well, the guy and his girlfriend started making out like crazy. So the girl I was into and I started texting each other because we didn't want to interrupt the loud kissing noises coming from the other couch. Another example, you are at dinner with your family, and your sister texts you and says that she is freaking out. So you ask why, and she replies that she is pregnant and doesn't want to tell your parents. Granted she could have said this to you at a different time, and that would have been better probably, but it's just an example. Anyway, my point is that if you are texting and having a whole conversation with someone while you are driving just call them. Even better, get a blue tooth so that you don't have to hold the phone to your ear.

Tip #6

If you are the kind of person who has trouble driving in the first place. Texting and driving is not for you. To be able to text and drive safely you actually have to be able to drive. So Asian women, I am sorry, but you will never be able to text and drive. And the reverse of that applies. If you are an okay driver, but it takes you forever to text something you probably shouldn't be texting and driving either. If you are terrible at both you are probably old.

This completes my tips of how to safely text and drive. If you have any questions, and you are an attractive female please message me on facebook. I will likely reply within 10 seconds because I am getting desperate. Just kidding, but seriously I am.