Life on the Third Mall from the Sun

Election Day - The Horrors, ver. 2006

2006-11-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

As it was in version 2004, I suspect the Republicans are trying to fuck us all and steal yet another election day.

"It's cool - I'm taking it back."

2006-07-31T10:56:00.000-04:00

Dear Republican douchebags,

No matter how cleverly you try to justify its use, the term "tar baby" has been a known racial slur for several generations now.

Maybe you should try to take back "porchmonkeys" first.

The Horse Whisperers

2006-05-04T08:08:00.000-04:00

Apparently, things have become so retarded in the city of Athens, OH that the drunken Ohio University football players have taken to swinging on police horses.

The solution to this problem is simple: Just give the horseback cop the right to shoot asshole OU football players who punch his horse. I predict the problem would go away almost immediately.

Dont mes wif Texass

2006-03-08T08:10:00.000-05:00

Further proof that Texas is still filled with more than its fair share of homunculus mongoloid jackoffs, even when the entire Bush family is visiting Washington.

P.S. I can't believe I got this far into '06 without posting to the blog. I've been slacking...

More fun with the Catholics

2005-12-30T10:22:00.000-05:00

It would appear the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights has made my blog again before the end of 2005. This time it's even better than the last.

Now that the "War on Christmas" is apparently in another 10-month cease-fire, the good folks at the Catholic League have trained their mighty efforts towards another insufferable affront to all of humanity: South Park.

I would think there would be more pressing issues for this organization, like maybe keeping priests from fucking little kids, but kudos to the Catholic League for undertaking yet another meaningless crusade. I'm sure we'll all learn to appreciate their efforts at undermining free speech and religious tolerance in this country.

More fun with Conservatives

2005-12-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

Ann, if you're so smart, explain to me how it is that you wouldn't know that "stupider" isn't even a word?

Maybe it has something to do with studying at the University of Michigan. Or maybe its because you've gotten away with being ignorant your whole life because too many men don't have the heart to tell a skeletal-looking blonde bimbo that she is lacking in the intellegence department.

The unfortunate task

2005-11-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

Today, the unfortunate task of defending Wal-Mart seems to have fallen to me. Ironically, I hate the place and only make a purchase there when the wife absolutely has to have something that she can't find anywhere else nearby. Therefore, I will take umbrage with Wal-Mart for their actions before I attack their opponent in this story.

I also think the firing of an associate for revealing to a customer that some common Christmas practices have their roots in the pagan world is a fucking spineless maneuver. It's like firing someone for telling someone what time it is because the person who asked wanted it to be 12:00 noon and were informed that it was actually 9:00 a.m. The truth shall set you free... from employment at Wal-Mart.

Furthermore, making a public apology to a group of radical right-wing religious nutjobs for the contents of an e-mail the aforementioned associate sent to the aforementioned customer is foolish. Fuck those people. Their perceived "War On Christianity" does not exist, and we need not humor them that it does.

If being a Christian is so important to people that they don't want any intermixing of paganism into their little insulated fucking world, maybe they should do some fucking research into their religious holidays. And then they can take a good, long look around at the world in which they live and SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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But, I happen to agree with Wal-Mart's use of "Happy Holidays" as their approved greeting to encompass multiple faith-based celebrations in the upcoming holiday season. I would wager a guess that Jews, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and Hindis all contribute to Wal-Mart's annual till. Why not include them as well?

In fact, I would wager another even larger guess that most of the so-called "Christian" people who will make purchases at Wal-Mart this holiday season just celebrate the Christmas holiday as a purely capitalist event involving the buying and giving of gifts, with little or no mention of the religious significance of the holiday. Therefore, the wackos who perceive that a holiday greeting that doesn't mention their brand of celebration as some kind of slight against their faith are definitely members of a small, goofy, fucked-up minority within the greater majority of Christianity.

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And, finally, my favorite quote in the article:

"If Wal-Mart, which is the family-friendly institution, gets away with this, then all the other department stores will just fall into line"

So, Wal-Mart is "family-friendly"? Then try to justify this little bit of logic, you fucking dumbass mouth-breathing motherfuckers.

Nearly 80% (by many accounts) of Wal-Mart's products are produced in China, because Wal-Mart's unwillingness to pay a manufacturer a price for goods at which they can make a profit on American-made products. This forces said manufacturer to move production overseas to China, where they can pay a lower cost for labor and other factors of production. (This hurts American families due to lost manufacturing jobs and the related negative effects to communities in which the jobs are lost, but not my overall point, so stay with me here.)

In China, factories are owned by the state. Therefore, American companies have to reimburse the Chinese government for the use of their labor, machines of production, etc. Then, the Chinese government issues a stipend to the laborers. The difference (profit, so to speak) then goes into the coffers of the Chinese government.

The same Chinese government recieving this payment from the American-based manufacturer performs late-term, forced abortions and sterilizations on peasant women as a method of population control. In fact, there is an official department of the Chinese government that mandates how many children a family is allowed to have, keeps population statistics and mandates the number of abortions and sterilizations will be performed in a given region based on their census numbers.

Guess what? The money that you "good Christians" are spending at Wal-Mart every fucking day of the year is being used, in part, to abort hundreds of thousands of Chinese babies every year. How does that little nugget of knowledge taste? Does it make you feel morally superior to decry abortion here while supporting it at phenomenal levels abroad? Or are you starting to realize that you are indeed the evil fucks that I have always known you to be?

Just keep the "family-friendly" bullshit to a fucking minimum, because Wal-Mart and other retailers that produce the majority of their products overseas are the ones who enable the corrupt governments of foreign nations to visit such horrors as forced abortions and sterilizations upon their citizens. By supporting them with your patronage, you are complicit as well.

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Suck my ass. New headline should be "Wal-Mart Fucking Pusses Out; Caves to Fringe Wackjobs".

Goddammit.

Cause to Celebrate!

2005-10-28T19:21:00.000-04:00

Indictment time, baby!

My favorite part of the article is Dumbya's statement: "While we're all saddened by today's news, we remain wholly focused on the many issues and opportunities facing this country".

Apparently, President Chimpy has mice in his pockets - "we're all saddened".

I, for one, am not saddened. I feel like partying.

Where no man has gone before... yeah, right

2005-10-28T13:45:00.000-04:00

Sulu comes out of the closet.

Still waiting for thousands of Star Trek convention dorks to follow suit.

The Waiting Game

2005-10-11T12:57:00.000-04:00

Going in for some more tests today following a "radical orchiectomy" of the right testicle (see this link from the previous post for the gory details). Then it will be a couple of more days of waiting before I have another visit to the urologist to discuss the results. And so it goes.

The more I research testicular cancer, the more I seem to find information indicating that radiation therapy will be the next hurdle I have to face. While I am not looking forward to the nausea, diarrhea, hair loss and exhaustion that comes with radiation therapy, there is definitely something to be said for remaining in the realm of the living.

Protect your nuts

2005-10-04T19:35:00.000-04:00

To protect your nuts, you've gotta check your nuts.

Or, you can wait around like I did and end up going through this.
(That's still better than waiting around for too long and winding up in a 6-foot deep hole in the ground.)

Be a man, do yourself a favor and check your nuts.

Evil Fucking Cocksuckers

2005-08-19T09:27:00.000-04:00

I used the titular phrase in yesterday's post and I'll gladly apply it again today.

Despite the steady and constant flow of reminders in the media and on the Web, every once in awhile it just floors me to realize the sheer number of people in this world who are nothing more than Evil Fucking Cocksuckers. The fact that so many of these Evil Fucking Cocksuckers thrive while so many good people are left to fall by the wayside is one more indicator that the good people of this world are lacking the testicular fortitude necessary to put these fucks in their place.

A big fuck you to all of the Evil Fucking Cocksuckers and their spineless lackeys. May you all get fatal diarrhea.

No Smoking and the Fishtank Cycling Blues

2005-08-18T10:23:00.000-04:00

After 1 month and 2 days of not smoking, I have saved nearly $200. I have also saved some of the time and lung capacity necessary for the smoking of almost 1000 cigarettes. And I have accomplished this feat without killing anyone up to this point. The downside of this is that I no longer have the tar from the cigarettes to resurface the pothole-laden street of my soul.

Honestly, I probably would not have been able to suffer even a day of this self-inflicted misery if not for a sense of outrage and loathing over the budget-balancing being done in the state of Ohio to the tune of $0.70 per pack of cigarettes.

So, let me get this straight. We let a criminal destroy the state economy and then have the otherwise-vilified smokers shoulder the burden of a budget shortfall. My head reels at the mere gall of the idea, and I am left in a sort of brief catatonia, initially unable to form words that adequately express the volcanic plume of white-hot hatred bubbling from the deepest and darkest places in my little black coal heart. Then the words begin to come to me: "Evil." "Fucking." "Cocksuckers." And the only mature response to this infraction against my sense of decency and fairness is to deny these vile denizens of Hell of the $7.00 per week they would be garnishing from my cigarette purchases. Fuck your tax, because I will resist the urge to smoke out of nothing less than venomous spite.

Now, I am waiting for my new aquarium to establish its biological cycle so that I can introduce fish. It is becoming ponderous after two weeks of constant water testing, with no sign of an end in sight. Already, my patience has been worn thin. I need an "Easy Button".

Novak's "Bullshit"

2005-08-04T19:56:00.000-04:00

...has apparently earned him a little bit of time off from CNN.

Not that being a fucking traitorous douchebag who put the life of a deep-cover CIA operative at risk for the purpose of political assassination should be reason enough to strip him of his press credentials in perpetuity. The good folks at CNN just can't abide this sort of potty language - the verbal diarrhea (heavily laden with Karl Rove's foul, curdled, demonic semen, of course) that normally flows out of Novak's blowhole notwithstanding.

Even a piece of good news reveals what a Christo-fascist, Republican wet dream we're all living in right now.

God hates you when...

2005-07-30T08:02:00.000-04:00

...you have more than one headline about people getting fried within the same week.

Don't despair, little Boy Scouts. Even if God has forsaken you, there are some people out there who love you more than you will ever know.

Watch out for that power line...

2005-07-26T08:16:00.000-04:00

Apparently, none of these Scoutmasters ever had to earn their "Power Line Safety" merit badges.

And, yes, I am going to Hell for even saying things like that.

"Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries."

2005-05-31T19:49:00.000-04:00

Found this on Fark.

Even more interesting than some of the Top Ten list are some of the "Honorable Mentions".

I can't believe they didn't manage to throw Al Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars that Tell Them" onto this list. Unless they are planning that for their 21st Century list. Fucking conservative asswipes, and their crusade for ignorance just marches on. Makes me want to vomit.

Out of town blogging

2005-05-14T08:54:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post from southwestern VA.

They have ashtrays in the hallways here at the hotel... Not exactly a breath of fresh air, but at least I know of one place where the anti-smoking Nazis haven't had their way with the society at large.

It's a beautiful thing, in a carcinogenic sort of way.

"Hot Tub Tom" Strikes Back

2005-05-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

...but please, when reading his comments, consider the fucking source.

Resisting the urge to retread ground here, but try Kos or Atrios for more background on this particular Republican waste of flesh. This guy should have been a blowjob...

Irony is so effortless...

2005-05-13T09:09:00.000-04:00

I just love the headline to this article - "Microsoft unveils PC security service".

Let me unveil a PC security solution I found out about back in the 1990's - It's called Linux...

How about Microsoft just not release a similar PIECE OF SHIT operating system every few years, and actually do some development work on not leaving huge goddamned security holes in everything they put out... or is that a novel idea all my own?

Christo-fascists

2005-05-10T16:36:00.000-04:00

More vile bullshit from the fundies, but this hits a little closer to home. It's a lot harder to ignore when it's less than 20 miles from my house than it is when it's one of the usual assemblage of Southern hillbilly fucks spewing bile from Buttfuck, Arkansas.

I wonder if Rev. Parsley would be whistling a different tune if he lost his tax-exempt status...

And I thought the Inquisitions were over...

2005-05-06T10:08:00.000-04:00

...but at one NC Baptist church, being a Democrat is now tantamount to heresy.

I'm just still waiting for the South to try that whole secession thing one more time. I don't think I would go out of my way to invite them back again.

Wendy's giving diners the finger again....

2005-04-29T17:32:00.000-04:00

...but thank God this time it's a figure of speech. (Yes, I know the finger in the chili was a scam. I just needed a funny lead-in for the blog posting.)

"Value Choices Menu"? I think they just should have gone with the longer and more descriptive name of "The Less Super, Less Value Menu". At least that would be an admission of passing price increases onto the customer.

And, they've already done little price increases before this great idea, but they were slicker about it. At the start of the Super Value Menu, a Biggie-size drink and fries were each $.99. Now, it's a small drink and a medium fry that are $.99 apiece. Less volume consumed for the same money...

Fuck it. If Wendy's wants to start dicking around with my $.99 Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, I'll just have to start going to White Castle.

$1.29, my ass. You little bitches can eat penguin shit.

Porn in the 'burbs

2005-04-29T10:20:00.000-04:00

I always love seeing these articles in my local news. Of course, it's because hypocrisy always seems to shine a ray of hateful glee into my otherwise mundane days.

My favorite though, is the woman they quote in the story:

"I guess I'm kind of against it," said nearby resident Vicki Driver. "You pay more for a nicer area and then have to deal with the riff-raff that may come and go."

Let's break this down, shall we? (I love parsing short statements for their true meaning.)

"You pay more for a nicer area", which translates to "I'm a snooty, uppity white bitch who makes (or married) ridiculous amounts of money, and I'm somehow a better person than all of the poor whites and non-whites in the 'not-so-nice' areas".

"The riff-raff that may come and go". Could she be talking about *whisper* black people? Or maybe Hispanics? Or poor people?
Or maybe about her husband, who is probably, statistically speaking, a viewer and purchaser of adult materials?

But the kicker: "I guess I'm kind of against it". This might mean "I have no real opinion, but I'm on the TV so I have to say something that makes it sound like I'm an intelligent, informed resident".
My money is on the other translation of "I guess I'm kind of against it", which is "I hope they have a good selection of vibrators when they open".

Reality check complete. Have a nice fucking day.

Who knew...

2005-04-12T19:09:00.000-04:00

...that hillbillies would be capable of creating such a great example of irony? I mean, less actual English is probably spoken by the residents of West Virginia than by the entire country of Mexico. Strike one.

Furthermore, even if a person from another country doesn't speak English very well, he (or she) is usually taught in school to read it and write the language. Strike two, West Virginia.

I think strike three has something to do with the continuing re-enactments of the movie Deliverance, but don't quote me on that.