30 Years and counting

Maz's birthday bowls us over

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:55:00 +0000

Well I promised a post a week and look here I am. Okay so I am cutting it a bit close to the end of the week but nonetheless here at least is the post I promised. I would have written it earlier today but to be honest I was nursing a hangover and then stuffing myself with a venison burger. Why the hangover? Because this weekend we headed out on the town to celebrate Maz’s birthday as she creeps ever close to the big 30.

Maz’s birthday is always a difficult thing. You see it falls just after Christmas which makes it tricky for a number of reasons. Firstly I have usually exhausted all my good ideas for presents for her at Christmas which means come her birthday I am left frantically searching for inspiration as to what to get her. Hmmmm Modern Warfare 3 maybe? The second problem we often face is what exactly to do for her birthday. Most people are still broke from Christmas and have no money to go partying. Add to this the fact that come January we are usually under a foot of snow so no one can actually get out of the house either and it all adds up to an epic fail for the last few years.

This year was looking pretty much the same. Since the summer of last year Maz has had a pretty good idea of what she wanted to do to celebrate this yearly milestone. Come the good weather on a weekend Maz and I like to get out the house and go somewhere. Anywhere will do really. We take our cameras, go for a walk and just enjoy being out of the house. One of the most common places we go is Whitstable. For those who don’t know where or what Whitstable is it is a small seaside town about half an hour from where we live. You can park along the sea front, walk into the town via the fish market where it is law that you must stop and eat the famous Whitstable oysters and then finally you can pop into the wonderful variety of small local shops they have before turning around and coming back again. It really is a very pleasant afternoon out.

One of the many shops they have in Whitstable is a cheese shop. Now I am not talking your boring cheddar here. This place servers up cheese straight from the gods. You can taste the many different types they have and the staff are always friendly, knowledgeable and welcoming. In fact I don’t often do this but what the hell, they are so good go and check out there website (wow a free plug that is rare). One of the many things the cheese shop does is that you can hire it out for parties. This then was the plan for Maz’s birthday. That is until she finally got around to sorting it out and found out much to her dismay that they have stopped doing private functions on a Saturday due to the fact that they are too busy. Hence it was back to square one and things were looking like they would follow in the footsteps of the last few years.

Suddenly out of the blue Maz hit upon the idea of going bowling and through the magic of Facebook events within a week it was sorted. Saturday was the day of choice and so come 5pm we found ourselves in a pub waiting to see who would turn up. And would you believe it, lots of people did. There was Maz and me of course, Tom, Louise, Julie, Arthur, Mark, Gulsah, Lou, Paul, Chris, Hayley and her new guy Gary (who thought it was funny to keep calling me flash, it was not). Not a bad turn out at all.

I can’t actually remember the last time I went bowling. Hmmmmmm….nope I have no idea. That is unless you count the Wii or Xbox versions where you throw a virtual ball across your front room. It is a good thing then that I am not very competitive as I lost terribly although I am blaming that on the fact I had drunk a lot and was popping upstairs with Arthur every five minutes to down shots of Sambuca.

Don’t worry though I counter balanced it with a late night run to McDonalds so that was alright. The same can’t be said for Arthur who by the time we made it back to the pub again was ready to fall asleep where he sat. In fact he pretty much did. A few more drinks and then it was time to call it a night.

Maz’s birthday then was a great success and for the first time in years we pulled it off with no major problems. The only issue is that mine is next on the list in a few weeks which means I need to get my thinking cap on and come up with a plan. I’m thinking a curry in a local restaurant but if you have any better ideas then I am all ears…

A new year and a new outlook

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:37:00 +0000

And so a new year is upon us. 2012. If some people are to be believed this will be the last year any of us see as the world comes to an abrupt end (Just before Christmas too, bummer). There are many great things about a new year but for most of us it is a chance to make a resolution and attempt to recreate yourself as a new and improved version usually with the added bonus of 20% less fat. We have all done it and normally these attempts at reinvention last for the first few months before we revert to our regular life long habits. For me however this new year does bring great promise and the chance to turn my life around from what it has been for the past few years.

The big news for 2012 then is the fact I have gone and got myself a job. For those of you that have been reading the dribble that escapes from my head onto this blog for a while now you will know that for the past few years I have been unemployed. If you have missed the pleasure of me moaning about this fact in previous posts you can still read my unhappy rantings here and here. Anyway that is all behind me now because like I said as of December I have joined the tax paying masses (that also explains why there has been a drop in posts of late but more on that in a moment).

So just what is this job I hear you ask? Amazingly I now work in the computer games industry as a games tester. That means I get to spend all day playing computer games with the odd bit of answering customer support enquiries and running online beta tests chucked in for good measure. I get to wear what I want, the hours are pretty much whenever I want give or take and I work with some very relaxed and funny people. I love it and I am more happy than I have been in a long time. The downside? The downside is that the games in question are simulation games hence I am not playing MW3 by any stretch of the imagination and the pay is really not that great but when it is all said and done there are a lot worse things I could be doing.

This new year then really does hold a lot of promise for me. I have a job, I actually have some money now, I have met some really great new people and most importantly my life has structure back in it once more which I can build upon to make more changes as the months go past.

Number one on my list is to be more active. I mean this in two ways. Firstly in the get off the couch and do some exercise sense of the word. Just by having a job I am naturally more active but I would really like to build some sort of regular exercise regime into my week too. Secondly I want to be more active in general, see more people, do more stuff rather than spend all my free time playing games on the Xbox and watching movies (maybe my recent subscription to Love Film wasn’t such a good idea then). I have already started to do this. Since getting the job I have been in contact with some people I haven’t spoken to in far too long and this weekend alone Maz and I have been out for two meals with people from my work and then Jade for her birthday. It is all a good start.

Talking about being more active I have been rather bad over this whole blog writing business. This has not been out of design but rather other stuff has gotten in the way. Well that is going to change. I am not big on making new year resolutions but here goes, I am going to write a post at least once a week. I am not promising that I will write more interesting stuff but I am going to write more stuff. Get use to hearing more from me then (at least that is the plan).

I am also hoping that this year see a change in fortune for my friends. They seem to have been through a rough patch last year. From struggling business problems, losing their jobs, depression and even finding their girlfriend in bed with their best mate. Yep it has all been rather tough for a lot of people. I really hope then that they have a change in fortune like I have and that for all of us 2012 doesn’t turn out to be the end but rather the start of an exciting future.

Where have you been?

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 10:49:00 +0000

As winter approaches more and more things are in short supply. The sun is falling behind the skyline earlier, the frost is forming and the countdown to Christmas is getting closer and closer. It also seems that Blog posts are following suit since there hasn’t been one for a while. Sorry about that. Here then is a quick catch up on all the stuff that has been going on with me and the people in my life.

There are lots of reasons why I haven’t posted in a while but the biggest one is due to the fact that we are into the Christmas games release schedule which has seen me busy getting sniped in the head from across the map on Battlefield 3 or proclaiming “I am Batman” as I swing through the rooftops of Arkham City. To be honest I have never really understood why so many developers decide to release their games at the same time of year. Especially when we have a huge drought of games over the Summer period only to be swamped with one a week come the winter.

When I haven’t been forming a terrible kill/death ratio I have been continuing to fight the good fight with the UK economy and lose. The situation here is terrible. As part of the European Union our fate is linked to that of the rest of the countries in Europe. It is looking more and more like a second recession is on the horizon and you know it is bad when the official economic outlook is described as “bleak”.

One of the ways the government here has decided to deal with the situation is to outsource job seekers like myself to third party employment agencies to find work. Basically it is a numbers fiddle to wipe a large number of us off the official figures of UK unemployment. Therefore I now find myself visiting a local “employment expert” in addition to the job centre. This would be fine if this new system worked but as Tom and I found out when we visited it last week the experts in questions are struggling to cope as they have seen thousands of us palmed off onto their books a month rather than the few hundred they were told to expect. At the end of the day I welcome all the help I can get but the more time I spend unemployed the more sceptical I become of the system and my faith in this new idea is not exactly high. Particularly because there are four people working in this new office expected to deal with over three thousand of us and counting.

Talking about the economy I have decided to take the fight to my bank. For ages now we have been locked in battle over repayments on my various accounts which despite my best efforts have fallen into debt. The bank’s response is to hand my account out to various collection agencies in the hope that I will somehow magic up the default sum when they apply pressure. One of the joys of having lots of free time is that you can do your research and unlike a lot of people who just rollover and end up in more debt I have decided to take the fight to them after the limits of my patience have been repeatedly tested with an endless barrage of phone calls and letters. Expect to hear more about this when the bank finally gets back to me with a answer to my letter.

Finally Maz has been in the wars and is currently limping around on crutches. About two weeks ago she decided to throw herself down the last two steps of her stairs and land flat on her bum. I know it is the oldest excuse in the book that she fell down the stairs but really she did. Anyway her ankle swelled up to the size of pool ball and after a delightful trip to our local A&E department on a Saturday night it turns out she has sprained it and pulled some ligaments. For the past few weeks then she has been hopping around and trying to rest it while I run around and fetch her drinks, cook dinner and generally play nursemaid. I even bought her a little bell to ring when she needs something. Add to this the fact she has some sort of throat infection which means she snores like Darth Vader raping a pig of a night and it has been a rather trying time. I don’t mind though, I am just glade to see she is getting better. I guess that is love for you.

There you go then. That is what has been happening with us over the last month. Sorry it is not more exciting but that is life for you. If you have been up to something a bit more exciting then why not drop us a comment below and let us know.

Right I am off to change a tyre on Maz’s car since it looks like she has a flat. No rest for the wicked as they say.

Food for thought

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 13:49:00 +0000

My friends and I are all big F1 fans. During the racing season we take it I turns to host a race and serve up some food. It is great fun. While the racing takes the centre stage other thing of course naturally pop up to. Most of the time we talk the same mindless bollocks just like everyone else but once in while something of merit is raised. This was the case a few weeks ago when the topic cooking raised it’s head. For me eating is important. Enjoying good food is a pleasure but more importantly I believe you are what you eat. The counter argument put forward to this was that not everyone has time to eat well. Is this true or is it really just laziness?

The discussion came about because after the F1 had finished we went channel hoping and happened upon a show called The biggest loser USA. For anyone who hasn’t watched this delightful bit of TV trash it is basically a game show where really fat people lose weight and win some cash and the ability to see their feet again. As part of the show the in your face presenters examine what the various contestants eat on a daily basis. This usually means a table full of crap which they then proceed to tell the unlucky sod who’s eating habits are being picked apart that eating this stuff is not good for. The salad dodger in question then looks all surprised and pretends that they had no idea that eating ten pizzas a week was not good for them. I mean really? You didn’t know that a Big Mac smoothie was not a great breakfast?

Now my point of view was that the reason these people eat crap was laziness. The fact that picking up the phone and ordering a pizza is a lot easier than getting off the couch, walking to the kitchen and actually cooking something half decent. Now of course we eat takeaway food once in a while. Likewise we all eat processed food from time to time. The problem is that anyone who doesn’t know that eating this stuff day in and day out is not good for you is either a complete idiot or lying. Seriously are you really going to tell me that you honestly believe that a dehydrated bolognaise sauce in a packet is as good for you as one made from fresh ingredients?

There are and always will be idiots who really have no idea what is what but this is not the majority of us. Most people with a brain know that chocolate is made for you and fruit is good. This of course then raises the question why don’t people eat fresh food? I honestly believe it is just laziness. Cooking fresh food is really not that difficult but it does require you to use brain, plan ahead and of course actually put some effort in. If you can’t be bothered to eat healthy food then fair enough but be honest about it. Tell the truth, you are too lazy to do it. Don’t make up excuses.

The most popular argument and the one put forward to me in response was that people don’t have the time to eat fresh food. That is however simply rubbish. A shop bought pizza takes twenty minutes cook, if you have twenty minutes spare then you have time to eat fresh. A bit of planning goes a long way. There is loads of great meals out there which take a only a few minutes to put together and will happily sit in the oven or on the cooker top cooking while you get on and do other things. A large batch of something like chilli can be made in a few hours on the weekend and will fed you for four meals or more straight from the freezer in just a few minutes. Do this for three weekends out of the month and you will have enough food for the last week of the month without having to do any actual cook whatsoever. There are ways and means to eat great food whatever your time limit. You just need to be willing to get off the couch and do it. Everyone has time to throw together a salad.

The second argument is that people don’t know how to cook. The age of mothers passing on family recipes to their sons and daughters has passed and cooking in schools rarely advances beyond fairy cakes and topping a pizza base. At the same time cooking has become rather fashionable and hip which means that those who lack the know-how feel a bit embarrassed about it. The truth is you don’t need to turn out fine dinning quality meals. I know a few good tried and tested recipes off the top of my head but most of the things I cook come from books. A good book will take you far. There are cooking books these days to cover just about every level of experience and style of cooking you can think of. Combined with the wealth of free information handed out by supermarkets, TV shows and of course the Internet there is an endless supply of ideas out there to try. You just need to put the effort in.

The final argument is that eating fresh food is expensive. While it can be more costly to buy fresh food I would argue that if you use your brain then there is little difference. I cook pretty much most of the food for Maz and me and it is 90% of the time fresh food. When you actually do the maths and work it out it comes in cheaper per portion than eating a takeaway by a mile. Add to the mix the health benefits of eating fresh food both short and long term compared to processed junk and it really is a no brainer. This is especially true if as I suggested above you cook in bulk which can really drive down the costs.

At the end of the day if people want to eat crap then that is their choice just like smoking, drinking alcohol or taking drugs. They know deep down, whether they admit it or not, that it is not good for them and that they will pay for it later down the line. It is their choice to make and I have no problem with that but lets cut the crap and stop making excuses about while you do it because it really is just due to the fact you can’t be bothered. Now parents feeding their children crap, that is a whole other story…….

The big problem with small talk

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 14:46:00 +0000

So it has been another one of those periods where I haven’t posted anything for a while. Sorry about that but I am back now. In part this has been because I have been busy doing other stuff but mainly it is down to the fact that I haven’t had a lot to say. Sure I could probably write a daily post about some random crap if I wanted to but I don’t. When I commit to writing something chances are it has been brewing around in my brain for a few days at least and as such there is some thought behind it. Why do I bother? Well put simply I hate small talk and here are the reasons why.

One of the things people often mistakenly think upon meeting me for the first few times is that I don’t say a lot. In some respects this is true. Certainly I do choose my words carefully and I am a big believer in listening first before diving straight in. You can after all learn a lot about a person from what they say. The truth however is I really don’t like to make small talk. You know the kind of thing I mean. Idle chitchat or as Wikipedia puts it “informal discourse not covering any functional topics of conversation.”

If we are honest about it most small talk is just crap. Useless information about topics which no one actually cares about usually made to just fill our desire to avoid uncomfortable silences or out of a sense of politeness. Does anyone care if your next door neighbour bought a new hat, if your postman is delivering later than usual or if you cut your grass on Sunday? No of course not. None of us are up late due to sleepless nights pondering about whether or not so or so bought some yogurts on special at the local supermarket yesterday. I read the other day that we spend six months of our lives talking about the weather. The weather! I mean for crying out loud have we really got nothing better to say to each other?

Small talk to me is pointless. Okay sure it can act as an icebreaker but what does it actually tell us about the other person? Nothing of value. You might learn that their local doctors is closed on a Wednesday or that they saw a big crow in their back garden yesterday afternoon while drinking tea in the kitchen but really who gives a shit? They know they are talking crap and you know that you are listening to crap. Why then do we do it is the obvious question to ask. We get to spend so little time with people. Some people come into our lives and through one reason or another are gone long before we want them to be. Our chance to say how we feel, tell them what we think, ask them the questions we want answered and find out who they really are is so fleeting when you think about it. Why then do we fill this precious time up with mind numbing crap?

The logical answer is because it is safe. Talking about things like the weather is never likely to offend someone. Likewise we also don’t have to give away anything of ourselves in the exchange which makes the whole thing seem comfortable. For example a ten minutes conversation about how bad the traffic was this morning is safe but will tell you nothing of value about the other person you are having it with. The two of you might as well just stand in silence. Whereas a ten minute conversation about your their view of the death penalty will tell you a lot about the other person but in exchange you have to give something of yourself away to them in return. There is of course the danger of causing offence but personally I take the view that we are all entitled to our own opinions and we should have respect for each other’s point of view whether we agree or disagree. Besides if I am talking to someone and they can’t show respect for my views then chances are I don’t want to be talking to them in the first place.

There is of course an elephant in the room which should be addressed. Namely the difference between men women when it comes to small talk or chitchat. In my experience women will engage in small talk more often and for longer periods then men. Men like to deal in facts while women like to deal in situations. For example if a friend is having a problem at work with a co-worker spreading rumours about then it is usually the case that a man will offer a solution or enquire what they plan to do about it while a woman will ask how they feel about. Now of course before someone jumps on the you sexist pig bandwagon I should point out that this is just a generalisation. However if you keep quiet and listen to a group of men talking compared to women then you will notice it for yourself.

There is an argument that it is socially more acceptable for women to talk about their feelings then men and this does hold some water with me but I subscribe more to the theory that are brains are wired differently due to evolution. Way back in our hunter gatherer past men were the hunters and women were the gatherers. For the men this meant standing around in silence waiting for an animal to come past while only exchanging important information such as potential dangers or the location of prey. Women meanwhile were out collecting fruit and vegetables in relative safety. For them the constant chatter boosted teamwork and kept moral up during what was a fairly boring task. At the end of the day I am not an evolutional psychologist but as a scientist this idea makes sense to me.

Now I am not saying at your friend’s wedding as you sit down to diner at a table full of strangers you turn to his Aunt and say “so what is your view on abortion?” but what I am saying is that the people we surround ourselves in life with are there for a reason. Our time with them is all too fleeting and we never know just how much of it we are lucky to share with them. Do you really want to spend it talking about the price of loo rolls or would you rather take a risk and show your true colours to them in return for getting to know them as they really are?

Feeding the trolls on the Xbox Live Monday Musing

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:24:00 +0000

In the online world of the Internet there are two basic rules. Firstly rule #34 which states; if it exists there IS porn of it. Secondly, never feed the trolls. While I have never put the first of these rules to the test this week I did with the second one. Each week on Xbox Live gamers are invited to write a short opinion piece to be considered for publication on the Xbox Dashboard. This week I threw my hat into the ring and the results were interesting to say the least.

So like I said the Monday Muse is published every Monday (funny that) on Xbox Live. It is basically a short opinion piece about something gamer related. Here is what I wrote this week:

“Having been a gamer for twenty odd years now I have seen many changes in the computer game industry from those early days of the 8-bit machines of the eighties. Yet despite huge leaps forward in technology, control methods and complexity of gameplay one thing has remained since these fledgling days - games have remained linear. What I mean by this is that the structure of games has remained the same since programmers first put fingers to keyboards. No matter what genre or style of game they all follow the same format, namely you start at level one and work your way up to level 10 or whatever it so happens to be. Your progression through the game and ultimately what content you are able to play and see is limited by your skill as a player. So if you get stuck on a particular level or mission and despite days of button bashing you still can’t beat it you don’t have an option to skip it and move on. You are stuck there until you get the job done.

Although linear gameplay is something we have come to accept in games oddly we don’t accept it in any other media format. If I want to listen to track four of my new CD I can skip to it, if I want to watch an action scene in a movie I can jump to that scene, if I find a chapter in a book boring I can thumb through to the next one and so on and so on. We have the choice of what content we want to access and when. Certainly in the past when games were loaded level by level from formats like tape this sort of linear design made sense but with the introduction of discs this notion of you can only play the content you are good enough to progress to is surely a rather dated idea. While story progression and rewarding players with a sense of achievement is obviously important at the end of the day I paid my £40 or so for the contents of a new game shouldn’t it be up to me if I get to see it rather than the gamer designers? “

A thought provoking and well written piece I am sure you will agree. Well not everyone did. The first thing that happened was my Xbox inbox (try saying that fast) went mad. In less than 2 hours of it being published I got about 150 messages from other gamers. Three days later and I am still getting them come through at the rate of a few an hour. Basically I was the most loved or hated guy on Xbox for a few days.

So what then did all of these fellow gamers have to say for themselves I hear you cry. Well they pretty much fell into four camps.

Firstly there were the idiots. You can spot these people a mile off. Clearly they had no idea what I was writing about and left me some delightful messages calling me gay. I guess the very fact that these people thought that calling me gay was an insult says it all about their mental capacity really. I also got several “you twat”, “you’re a prick” and a couple of “you fucking cock eat shit and die”. Funny enough most of the comments of this nature came in the form of voice messages. Clearly these people were baffled by the concept of the written language or were too busy throwing around their own faeces to have a free hand in order to type. Unsurprisingly these idiots were quickly dispatched to the “File a complaint” list for the Xbox Live team to worry about (can you believe they let these people breed?)

Next up I got the group which I like to call; “You are crap at your job”. These people I might add were also idiots and clearly had failed to understand what the Monday Musing was about . Instead they decided that I clearly worked for Xbox Live and proceeded to send me loads of messages about problems they were having with the service or asking me when a given game was coming out. Being the nice guy that I am I sent back a message saying I had no idea and couldn’t help. This then usually resulted in these people joining the brainless idiots in the “You’re gay” group as they sent me message after message telling me how crap my customer service skills were, how shit I was at my job and that Xbox should fire me. Unsurprisingly after the first few messages I gave up trying to be nice and started to just hit the delete button.

The third group of messages came from gamers who at least made some effort to engage in an adult discussion. I call this the “You noob” group. Unfortunately they had completely misunderstood the point of my musing and proceeded to talk about how crap I was at games and if I couldn’t complete them I should go play some kids games instead. For most of these people I suggested that they go read my musing again and if they still didn’t understand come back and I would explain it. Most of them of course then joined the growing group of twats in group one but in fairness a few of them did come back to me. They still didn’t get it however. I went on to explain that my musing was actually about gamers rights as consumers. The point I was addressing was if having paid our hard earned cash for a game should sections of it be restricted from us on the basis of a players skill level? In other words if you get stuck and can’t progress any further should the rest of the game, which you did pay to see after all, be closed off to you? Likewise should you be forced to replay a game multiple times just to get access to a given weapon, track or mission? With many games now taking 30+ hours to complete not all of us have the time to do this but does this mean we don’t have the right to see that contents? Certainly being able to skip ahead or unlock contents at will might ruin the storyline of a game but isn’t it our game to ruin? Just because the option is there doesn’t mean you have to use it. Games are filled with a load of options these days to tweak just about every aspect yet the one missing is whether or not you get to see all of the contents you paid for. It is not about difficulty or skill but instead a gamers’ right to access content they own rather than being told by the developers what they can play with and when. Anyway the upshot of all of this was that these now enlightened people either jumped straight into group one with the rest of the primeval sludge or they joined the faith restoring group which was group four. The “I have a brain and I either agree or disagree with you” group.

Finally the last load of messages came from decent, intelligent people. The kind of people who have a brain. I am happy to say that this was about 80% of the messages I got. These people offered a range of informed opinions and were happy to discuss them in a friendly open way. It was these people who made it all worthwhile. One or two of them even made it on to my friends list which is rare because I am not in the habit of adding random strangers; see groups one, two and three for the reason why. Anyway to those people in this last group who took the time to voice their opinions I am grateful.

That then it what it is like to be famous on Xbox for all of ten minutes. Basically it is a world of decent clever people mixed with some rude stupid ones and a few who I suspect need to cut down on their chemical intake. So was it worth the effort? I would say so. I have already sent off a follow up musing for consideration so lets see what that brings if and when it is published. Probably more of being told I am gay followed by a load of question about DLC for COD:MW3 I suspect.

Face up to being grown up

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 17:36:00 +0000

Last year I went to see Kate Nash play at a gig in London. I had a great time but the whole experience did leave me feeling rather old. While there was a real mixture of age groups at the gig a large majority of them were around the late teens early twenties bracket. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was jealous of them but as they danced around without a care in the world singing at the top of their voices and spilling beer over their friends I was stood with my hands in my pockets worried that someone would nick my wallet and pondering about whether we would make the train home in time. I felt kind of self conscious about being there. Most of all I felt a sense of sadness knowing the period in their lives they are living through was well and truly behind me. It is said that youth is wasted on the young and certainly at the time I didn't really appreciate just what a great time I was having. Of course maybe I shouldn't be longing for the past. Maybe it is time to admit to myself that you're not 18 anymore.

There is something about your late teens which is such a special period in your life. For me (and most of my friends, trust me I was there) it was the period of firsts. First pint in a pub, first nightclub, first proper girlfriend, first sexual experience, first time living away from home, first exposure to other cultures.....the list goes on and on. Everything was new. It all seemed like one long party and I had boundless energy to keep up with it.

One of the biggest and most life changing experiences of my teens happened when I was 18 back in 1997, I left home to attend university. I read (I never knew why they say that instead of studied) Applied science and forensic investigation at the University of Teesside which sounds more impressive than it was. Before leaving school a teacher had said to me that going to university was just as much about discovering yourself through socialising as it was about studying. I really took that advice to heart. I don't think I went a day without a pint in the three years that I was there. Every night there was a different club, bar or party to go to resulting in crazy stories to tell the next morning. In the summer when I returned home the story continued as the days were filled with working a crappy store job and the nights out on the town with Tom, Mark and Tris. Something always seemed to be happening and I always seemed to be in the middle of it.

Ten years later and the crazy nights seem to have left me. Sure I still have the odd one but on the whole a night out is now spent pretty much sitting around with my friends talking about what crazy nights out we used to have. The adventures seem to have stopped. Tom doesn't really drink anymore, Mark works funny shifts and I hardly see Tris at all due to his job. I can't even remember the last time we went out just the lads together. I miss that. Instead I find myself overweight, feeling that my life lacks any sort of direction and struggling to remember those once great stories.

I have still continued to knock back the pints but without drinking buddies it is a lonely affair and one which seems to be greeted with disapproval from my piers rather than an amusing episode. I feel a bit like Van Wilder (the guy who never left behind his college life) but without a party to go to anymore. In many ways my life seems to have grown up around me but I haven't. I still want those crazy, exciting and unpredictable times of my youth all those years ago. Society of course says I should settle down, have a steady 9-5 job and probably wear a tie as many have my friends have done with their lives but I feel disillusioned with society in general. At the heart of this blog are my regular rantings and at the heart of them is the need to reach out and discover that it is not just me who feels like this. That I'm not the only one who hasn't got all of their shit together yet.

Once upon a time it all seemed so limitless and now I find myself asking; is this it?

So just what is the meaning of life?

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 22:53:00 +0000

"There has to be more to life than this?" I asked my friend Bill the other day who in turned replied "No this is pretty much it". That then in two sentences is the world summed up. A desire to find more met by the realisation that there is nothing more. But is this true, is life really just an endless precession of repeating days played out to the tune of material desire? There has to be something more doesn't there? Let me explain.

What is the meaning of life is a question which we all explore at some point in our lives. It is not a new question but rather one which greater thinkers than I have pondered over for centuries and still not reached a meaningful answer. Some people of course turn to religion for answers but personally I just think that is lazy. People are of course welcome to believe what they want but answering the question of the meaning of life by creating some sort of supernatural being to explain it seems like a cop out to me. It is however one which people are more comfortable accepting than the possibility that there is no big master plan and in truth our lives are just a meaningless fraction of second in the relentless march of time. We are born, we live, we dies, we rot. That's it. There is no meaning other than what we decide to do with the time that is given to us.

Of course the amount of time in question is somewhat of a lottery. Certainly eating well and exercising regularly can extend your life but it won't stop you getting hit by a bus crossing the road one morning or being struck by lightning or not seeing that other car at a junction as you pull out. Death can come at any time and when you least expect it. We all like to think that we will live to a ripe old age but in reality the odds are pretty much stacked against it. For example the odds of dying from heart disease are 1-in-5, cancer 1-in-7, a motor vehicle accident 1-in-100, a fatal fall 1-in-246, an accidental injury 1-in-36 and so on and so on. To put this in perspective the odds of bowling a perfect 300 game is 1-in-11,500, getting a hole in one in golf 1-in-5,000, that a first marriage will survive without separation or divorce for 15 years 1-in-1.3, striking it rich on the Antiques Roadshow 1-in-60,000. My point being that we are never really more than a stones throw away from death at any one time.

I actually have first hand experience of just how death can strike at any time. My Aunt was in her mid twenties, eat well, exercised regularly and seemed to all to be a picture of health. One night she went to bed and just died in her sleep. And the cause of it? There was no cause, she died of what is know as Sudden Death Syndrome which is a blanket medical term where the body just dies for no apparent reason. In children it is known commonly as Cot Death but the same thing can happen to you at anytime as an adult without any warning signs or apparent reason. Your body just drops dead. My point here in relaying this family tragedy is that even the simple act of going to sleep could be the last thing you do. Death does not just happen in dramatic circumstance such as motorway pileups or by peaceful means such as the elderly passing in their sleep in nursing homes. It happens at anytime in any place. We often say that you should treat every day as your last but in reality it is pretty true and only a very few of us will die of natural causes in our old age. In conclusion our time on this planet is short, very short and can be snatched from us at a moments notice so what do we do with this little chance we get?

This is of course the question that has been resounding around my head for the past year or so. From what I can see life seems to go something like this for most people; Get up, get dressed, go to work to earn money, come home from work, eat dinner, spend the evening watching TV to see what we can buy with the money we have earned, go to bed, repeat for about forty years. Everyone I know hates their job, all my friends moan and complain about what they do for a living. I have never met anyone who gets up in the morning and rushes off to work with the excitement of a child running down stairs on Christmas morning. Instead everyone bitches and moans and curses the end of the weekend when they have to return to work. The only happy people I do know are the ones who don't work. If our time is so short and if any day in question could really be our last day on earth why do we waste it doing things we hate?

In truth we work to live but what exactly is living? For some people it is all about owning shiny stuff or saving it all up for a rainy day. You can't however take it with you though so I don't really see the point? No one throughout history is remember for all the shit they owned and instead people are remembered for the things they do or created. In fact most famous artists, novelists, composers and alike all lived very poor lives and only became recognised after their death. We are defined by the life we live not the crap we own or the size of the house you live in. Given the choice would you rather die surrounded by lots of friends who love you in a run down shack or alone in a huge mansion? I know what my choice would be and you don't get lots of friends who love you by saving money or buying shiny stuff. You get them by going out, experiencing life, having adventures and being open to the world around you. Money is made round to go round as they say and is no use to you sat in a bank.

I have been rich (well kinda, earning above the national average at least) and it did nothing for me. I don't really care about having a nice house filled with lots of shiny things. In fact I really don't see the whole fascination in this country with owning a house. It is not the norm in many other countries around the world and I can only figure that it is really a left over of the class system here in UK and a symbol of status. I mean really what is the point of sinking huge sums of money into bricks and mortar? You can't take it with you when you die, buying a house is the second most stressful thing you can do in your life (getting married is the first apparently) and to be honest wouldn't you rather people said of you after you died "wow what a life they had" rather than "well at least they had a nice house".

This of course might all sound a bit idealised but last year I went to Scotland and visited a tiny little community in the middle of nowhere. It had a pub, a post office, a little shop and a row of about ten houses. That was it, no HD televisions, no 50MB broadband, no IMAX cinemas, no nightclubs, no.....well you get the idea. In fact on the day we were leaving a new washing machine arrived for the local school by boat and half the village turned up to see it. The whole area was cut off, basic and simple but yet these were some of the most happy, out going, friendly and contented people I have ever met. Their lives were not about who owned what and where they lived but instead it was about community, about getting out and doing things, meeting new people and embracing them into their own community and family.

So what is the meaning of life? I don't have the exact answer but I am pretty sure there is more to it than having nice stuff and living in a big house. Think back to your childhood, think about your family and friends. I bet when you were at your happiest was not when you got a particular toy but rather an experience or an event, an afternoon on the beach, a sunny day playing on a swing, running through the park or some other such experience. Why is it we grow up and forget that? We become so concerned with what society says we can and can not do that we lose sight of the what is truly important and fun in our lives. We worry more about tomorrow than we do about today. Tomorrow might never come just like it was for my aunt but today is here and now so why not make the most of it. I could spend my life stuck in a job I hate and saving for stuff I don't really need but what is the point? There has to be more to it than this doesn't there?

Things you learn in your thirties

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 11:52:00 +0000

I have often said to Maz that the person you will be in five years time is not the same person that you are now. Things change and your view of the world adjusts accordingly. What once seemed important fades into the background as you are faced with new challenges and grow as an individual. By the time you hit your thirties many things in your life will have changed. People you love will have come and gone, you will have realised that you are not going to be a rock star and you might even have a partner, spouse or children of your own to worry about. This all got me thinking about what advice could I offer now that my thirties are upon me. Here are the results.

Giving advice is a tricky thing. In 1997 Mary Schmich writing in the Chicago Tribune wrote “Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.” Her article was entitled “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young” but you might know it better as a song called “Wear sunscreen” by Baz Luhrmann. You can find Mary’s original article here and Baz’s song here if you are interested.

Mary’s article and Baz’s song got me thinking and I decided to borrow their shared structure for my own list of advice. I have no doubt that this will end up being one of those blog posts that gets buried away on the site and few people actually see but it is one of the most heart felt. If you have some time to kill I strongly suggest you try this, take a few minutes and write a short list of advice you would offer yourself back when you were eighteen based upon your life now. It really makes you think about your life, where you have come from and where you are going. Most importantly it makes you realise what is really important to you. Here are the things that life has taught me so far.

So there you go, that is the best advice I could come up with. Just be grateful I didn’t try to sing rather than say it. So what do you think? Good advice? Do you have some better? What have you learned in life and what would you pass on to others? I would love to hear from you so drop me a comment.

Remembering when chat rooms ruled the web

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 21:26:00 +0000

Just about all sites these days offer chat features or instant messaging but back in the late 1990's you had three options for communicating, namely send an email, post something in a forum or jump into a chatroom. There was no Windows live messenger, no skype or Facebook chat box. Instead users would head over to a site (my favourite was www.hotelchat.com as shown in the image below, I used the name Scareyman most of the time) and chat there. Some sites offered just one simple room while others had a whole range of different rooms you could chat in.

Whatever the set up was they all worked in pretty much the same way; you were asked for a user name and then added to the chatroom, as others already logged in typed a message into an input box at the bottom of the screen it would appear on the ever scrolling screen in front of you. That was it. Conversations often got very confusing as you usually could not send a message to one person directly and instead had to select them from the list of users and then watch for a reply to scroll past on the screen. It was a simple system which any coder could now knock up in a lunch break but in a time when text messages and instant chat did not exist it felt like the future. I spent many a day in my university library on the computer talking in chatrooms, often to people who in reality were actually sat in the library with me just a few seats away. Much studying time was spent hitting "refresh" trying to beat the full room blues. Thank goodness for those sites that offered crafty backdoors.

Here is a rather funny clip of Johnny Vegas (a British comedian) talking about his memories of chatrooms back in the 90's on the TV show Room 101. He sums it up perfectly.

Sadly technology developed and instant messaging systems took over. But we owe a great deal to these early chatrooms. Firstly they paved the way for the technology that was to follow. They established with the forums through trial and error rules and etiquette for messaging which we now follow (for example we all know that typing in capitals is considered shouting). They introduced the world to the "Poke" and other such basic actions which are still to be found on sites like Facebook. They functioned as the first breeding grounds for online role playing which grew to become games such as World of Warcraft. Most importantly they defined many of the words which have now become part of not just the language of the Internet but also our everyday lives, examples include lol, brb and lmao to name but a few. They may have been simple but social networks would not be what they are today without them.

The traditional version of the chatroom has died a bit of a death due to the fact that they never worked that well to start with. Most have been replaced by Java scripts or alike. To be honest I'm yet to find a really good traditional style chatroom so once again it is over to you, if you know of one then do get in touch. Yahoo offers a number of chatrooms through its messenger system and this seems to be the most popular form of the modern chatroom, you can find details about it here. As a side note there is also a Facebook group for those who used Hotelchat.com which you can join. There is even talk of relaunching the chatroom once again. You can find the group here.

Children: To have or not to have in your thirties?

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 14:57:00 +0000

By the time you hit your thirties one subject that is bound to have raised it’s ugly head is that of having children. In my experience men find themselves under pressure to settle down, commit and start a family leaving the party years of their twenties behind them while women face the unstoppable ticking of their body clock. Only a few decades ago in the age of our parents things were clear, you married in your early twenties and quickly started a family but in this modern age the path to a family is anything but simple.

Personally I don’t have any children. I would like to at some point in the future but believe that life is full of surprises and don’t agree with setting deadlines or saying I want them by a certain age or time. For most people by the time they reach their thirties you release that the real problems in life are not created by failing to live your life by some master plan but rather are the ones that rear their head at 3am on a rainy Sunday morning which you never saw coming in the first place. My experience with having children instead comes from my Sister, Julie, who gave birth to my beautiful niece, Lacie, some four years ago now and who I have had the pleasure of watching grow up.

When it comes to my friends they are pretty much a mixed bag. I have some friends how have had children at a young age including while still in their teens. Some of my friends have formed relationships with people who already have children and a further few are married and have had children of their own. On the opposite end of the scale I also have friends who have been married and separated because their partner has put pressure on them to have a family. My friends then pretty much cover all possibilities on the child front but most fall into the camp of being in long term relationships knowing that the topic of getting married and having children is looming over them.

One friend of mine is expecting a baby very soon in actual fact. A few weeks and the little bundle of joy should be here. While this is of course a joyous occasion I must admit that I am somewhat worried for the child. You see my friend in question never really wanted children in the first place and I suspect that they are only doing it to keep their husband happy. This in itself I think is rather sad. Doing something as big as creating a new life just to pleasure your partner when really it is not what you want. My view is that a relationship should be built on honesty and that you shouldn't just go along with something that you are apposed to just to please someone else but I digress. The problem is that my friend so far seems to regard the yet unborn child as nothing more than lifestyle accessory. Her plan is to have the baby, stay off work for six months and then dump it into the care of other people so it doesn’t get in the way of what she wants to do. She is justifying this to herself by saying that putting the child into care will be good for it’s social skills. In reality anyone who knows anything about children knows that their social skills don’t develop until about the age of three and a half and until this time they couldn’t care less about others.

Now of course everyone is entitled to raise their children how they see fit but is putting a child into care four days out of seven really in a child best interest or is it doning what the parent wants instead regardless of the childs needs? Taking into account the amount of time a baby sleeps in the first few years and the fact that they are only planning on having the child three days a week this means that by the time the child is of school age less than half of it’s life will have been spent with it’s parents. In my view that is not bring up a child. Instead it is more like renting one. Ironically I bet if you told this family to be that they could only see their child every three weeks out of seven they would fight with everything they have against it yet this is pretty much what they are doing. Maybe things will be different when the child actually arrives but I am less than hopefully.

Perhaps my views are somewhat old fashioned. I still view bring a new life into the world as a very serious thing. Our world is full of joy and wonder but it is also a place of terror and horror at times. The life that you create will (one hopes) out live you and my view is that you should set out to give that new life the best start you can. I sometimes think that people put more thought into buying a dog than they do having children.

I was brought up in a traditional family unit with a Mother who stayed at home to raise my sister and me and a Father who worked. That said my Dad always took time off to come to every school play, parents evening or other important event in my childhood and since he was self-employed this invariably meant going unpaid for his time. Although the world has changed since then I still believe that if it is possible for a parent to stay at home with their child at least until school age then this is best option. Before anyone jumps down my neck accusing me of being sexiest please note that I said parent and not Mother specifically. I have absolutely no problem with the idea of stay at home Dad’s. A child is an equally shared responsibility. Now of course this is not always an option in this day and age especially with single parent families but given the wide range of employment law in the UK accommodating parents from job shares to flexi time there really isn’t any excuse for a child to spend more time away from their parent(s) than with. If a family finds themselves to be lucky enough to be in a situation where one parent can stay at home and they can still maintain financial security and a comfortable standard of living then there really is no excuse at all.

Money is of course only part of the argument. A child only takes their first steps once, they only speak for the first time once and they only call someone Mummy or Dad for the first time once. I personally wouldn’t want there to be a possibility that some stranger in a crèche was the first person to experience these things rather than me. These little moments are what matters in life. No one on their deathbed has ever said “I wish I spent more time at the office!” Interestingly current research points toward children who are raised by a stay at home parent in the first few years are more advanced than those put into care. Personally this makes perfect sense to me. Even with a fulltime Nanny a child will not get the same level of interaction they get with a parent at home yet alone one that is in care with up to twenty other children at a time from nine to five. My sister has stayed at home to raise my niece and now that she is heading off to school my sister is returning to work. As a result her preschool test results indicate that her Maths, English and art skills are advanced for her age. Something which I truly believe has come from the time and attention my Sister and our family in a wider sense have given to her during these important first few year. Quality time and experiences which she would not have got had my Sister not been their for her.

I guess in closing then that having children and how you bring them up depends upon your view of children as a whole. For some people they are the centre of their world while for others they are only in the way. My view is that if you are not willing to give children the time they need then you shouldn’t be having them especially when some many parents are heartbroken because they can’t or tragically lose theirs.

So what is your view then guys? Are you looking to have children or maybe you already have them. What are your plans for looking after them and how do you maintain a work life balance? I would love to hear your views on this one.

Who reads this stuff and why

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:07:00 +0000

Do you actually read 30 years and counting on a regular basis and hang on our every word? Perhaps you check it every once in a while and only read the odd post which catches your eye. Maybe you have never been here before and have come looking for photos of busty redheads (yes I know who you are and you can find them here by the way). My point is when you are writing a personal blog it is all too easy to get caught up in the world of visitor numbers and page views. The big question is though does it matter?

When I set out to create this site I wasn’t interested in getting big visitor numbers. I wanted instead to reach out and try and find other people in their thirties who could relate to what was happening in my life. For anyone who has been around from the start of the blog will know the site has seen a number of redesigns since it started. For a while things got rather messy as I tried to make the blog all singing and dancing. I flooded it with clever features and loads of pictures. Sure enough my viewing figures shot up but to what end? When I actually took the time to look and see what brought people here most of the time it was because they were surfing for a particular image. This of course was not what I wanted. The idea was for people to actually read the stuff I took the time to write rather than just copypasta my images for their wankbanks. It was time for a rethink.

I decided to strip back the site. Make things more simple and use more words and less images. The result was that my visitor numbers dropped which was no real surprise but as a result I now get a better quality of reader. For some people running a website is all about making money and to be honest it is pretty easy to do. You simply load your page full of keywords for search engines to find, fill it with pictures of naked women and spam the hell out of it for adverts and pay per click links. This is not what I wanted to do though. As such there are no adverts on this site and it doesn’t generate any money at all. I run it purely as a form of self expression.

This doesn’t mean that I am not interested in the site’s statistics though. Naturally anyone who writes something wants it to be read and I am no different. I put a lot of time and thought into what gets posted and it is nice when people actually read it and even better when they leave a comment. Plenty of my friends read what I write but when a stranger halfway across the world does too and leaves a comment saying that they have an opinion on what I wrote then that for me is very satisfying.

The question then is how well does this blog do in the statistics department? Well first I should probably mention how the site runs. There is obviously the blog itself which is hosted on Blogger. It is linked to a Facebook fan page which if you haven’t joined yet you can do by hitting the Like button at the very top of the page (go on you know you want too). Like just about every site these days there is also a Twitter stream for the blog (found to your right) which double as my personal Twitter address. All videos are uploaded and shared via Youtube and finally there is RSS feed which is generated by Feedburner. That is pretty much it. I don’t advertise the site at all or spam for readership and all my readers either arrive through one of the social media platforms listed above or through search engines. The result is 46,576 views since I started the blog which works out at several thousand every month or so.

Now of course several thousand hits does not mean thousands of regular readers and in fact I would estimate our loyal readership figure to be pretty low. So what do people come here looking for? Well if I take last weeks site figures for example I got a number of search hits from people looking for “karen gillan underwear” and “hot redheads” which is no surprise really. However I also got a large number from people searching for “turning 30 and women”, “men on marriage” and “life in your thirties”. Now of course you are always going to get sex related hits especially image searches regardless of what you write and these can be considered background noise in truth. It is however these second range of hits which demonstrates that I am actually getting readers from what I write who can relate to my life which is what I set out to do in the first place.

Also of interest is how my blog readers break down. Nearly all of my regular readers are between 25-45 with a peak in the 30-35 age group which is great news because that is my target audience. It also seems that I am a big hit with the ladies (yeah right) since 56% of my readers are female.

So what am I saying here? Well my point is that if you just want a load of hits then that is pretty easy to do. Lots of sexy pictures and rude words and the search engines will do the rest. If however you want to grow a proper readership and reach a target audience then I suggest you stop worrying about page views and instead look to develop a small loyal fan base and the rest will follow. Trust me a few hundred people who actually read what you write is much more satisfying than several thousand who have simply come to look at an image you posted and never reader a word. Having been doing this for over a year now I have learn a few things and here are my top five bits of advice which I found work. Hope they help.

Keep it simple. When running a personal blog it is far too easy to think that you must have loads of clever features and a slick presentation just like the big boys do. In reality they pay web designers a lot of money to create their sites so unless you have deep pockets you will be doing it yourself. Make sure your site is clean and simple. It can look nice by all means but you will not generate visitor because of how your site looks. They come because of what you write, namely your contents.

This bring me on to my second point, make sure you do write. This doesn’t mean you have to post something every hour or even ever day though. A few good posts a week is better than lots of bad ones. Write about something you are interested in. Don’t worry about what is hot or the latest trend and instead write from the heart about things that mean something to you. For example I write about life in your thirties and the challenges and surprises that brings. Your readership will remain loyal if you remain loyal to the topic what brought them to you in the first place.

Don’t be too pushy. Readers and search engines alike like longer and detailed posts as apposed to a single picture or link. This doesn’t mean you have to write pages and pages. A handful of paragraphs will do. Flooding you site with loads of media might generate more hits but doesn’t mean that people care what you are writing about. Keep your media such as images and videos to a minimum. Likewise don’t go spamming for hits by constantly pushing your site on forums, social media or other people’s websites. Chances are you will get a bad name and be banned.

Be sociable. Social networks are everywhere these days. Setting up a Twitter feed or Facebook Fan page is quick and easy and if you share your posts through such sites this can help grow your fan base. If you do set them up make sure you have clear links to them on your site. That said don’t just use them to constantly post links to your site. Your readers will soon get fed up and block you. Use them to engage with your readers and answer any feedback you get. In a similar vein make sure you responded to any comments you get on your site. People like to know that if they comment on something that you are going respond. It is also well worth adding share buttons to your site so people can share your posts with their friends. Most blogging platforms offer such features built in or there are a wealth of third party plugins available.

Finally go out and find likeminded people. Start with your friends and let it grow out organically from there. If you post something good chances are they will share it with others who you don’t know and in turn they will share it further. Have a search around on Google to find bloggers who write about the same thing as you. Read their posts, comment on them, engage with them. If you share an interest or theme offer to exchange links on each others sites or guest post from time to time. To use a real world example, kicking a ball against a wall is fun but it is more rewarding to play as a team. The web is a big place but it is surprisingly easy to meet new people and form friendships and nothing brings people together better than a shared interest.

Another one of us hits the big 30

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 12:27:00 +0000

It is that time again as yet another one of us hit’s the big thirty. This time it was Louise’s turn to celebrate and maybe cry a little in private as her twenties were left behind her. To mark the occasion we all gathered in a local pub where Louise’s sister Sarah works. Maz and I stopped the night at Louise’s house and then next day eat pizza and watched the F1 as Jenson Button romped home to victory. As it has become the norm I had with me my trusted video camera to capture it all. Here then are the highlights of the day

For Maz and me the day started as a bit of a rush. The people who Maz rents her house from were coming over to inspect it and so I ran off back home while she dashed around cleaning up a bit. As it turned out they never showed up and so we headed off to Louise’s. After hooking up with Tom and Louise and spreading the birthday joy we all headed down to the local pub. We arrived just in time as Chris turned up with the BBQ he borrowed from Hayley.

A few hours and a few beers later and Tom was doing the duty on the BBQ churning out an endless stream of burgers. There was a great turn out in the end, there was Maz and I of course plus Tom, Louise, Hayley (and her magic t-shirt), Mark, Chris, Lisa, Paul and even a late arriving Dave. It was great to see everyone and catch up. Kind of makes you release how much you miss them all.

To top it all off a local band that we follow called OCD were playing that night too which rounded off the evening in perfect fashion. I had a great, if somewhat expensive, time. Here for your viewing pleasure are the video highlights of the day. Enjoy.

The story of Princess Hayley and her magic coat

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 11:38:00 +0000

Last weekend was Louise’s 30th birthday which you can read about and watch the video for here. To celebrate we all got together in a pub. It is always great to see everyone and have a laugh. The biggest laugh of the weekend however was making fun of poor Hayley who had let Mark borrow one of her t-shirts a while ago and had finally returned it to her. This morning while walking around town Tom, Maz and I got to talking about how it would make the basis for a great kids story. Here then is the tale of Princess Hayley and her special coat. See if you can read between the lines and work out why we found it so funny. Enjoy.

Once upon a time in the land of Gravesenduim there lived a beautiful princess called Hayley. Princess Hayley lived on her own in a big castle on the edge of Gravesenduim. One day Princess Hayley was visited by her friend Marcus the knight for tea. Marcus brought with him his trusted steed with his magic horn. Marcus the knight wanted Princess Hayley to ride his steed and stroke the magic horn but she did not want to. That night Princess Hayley and Marcus the knight eat and eat and eat until they had both eaten so much they couldn’t stand. A great storm brewed in the land of Gravesenduim and the rain fell. So it came to be then that Princess Hayley let Marcus the knight stay in her castle for the night. That night Marcus the knight awoke Princess Hayley from her slumber with his trusted steed in hand by rubbing his magic horn against her face. He pleaded once more for Princess Hayley to ride his steed long into the night with him but Princess Hayley felt so sorry for his steed which looked so small and sad in the glistering moonlight that she said no. Marcus the knight sighed and said that he would return to his bedchamber. He told Princess Hayley that his poor steed was cold and so kind-hearted Princess Hayley gave him her special coat to keep him warm.

Next morning as the new day broke Princess Hayley awoke to find that Marcus the knight had left the castle taking with him her special coat. You see a crazy witch from a foreign land had come to Gravesenduim threatening this once peaceful kingdom. Marcus the knight had heard of the crazy witch and believing she would be an easy slay had headed off in the night to find her. Days, weeks and months past as Marcus the knight fought with the crazy witch with his trusty steed in hand. These were dark days for Marcus the knight and his steed. The crazy witch trapped our hero with her magic balls and flying cats keep him in her dark and smelly cave in a strange land. Of a night Marcus the knight would think fondly of Princess Hayley. He would stroke his steed and rub Princess Haley’s special coat against his magic horn. Marcus the knight would do this often when the crazy witch was asleep and over time he covered Princess Hayley’s special coat in the magic elixir from his steed’s horn tip making the coat harden with magic.

One day the fair maiden Louise was out walking in the forest collecting berries when she happened upon the crazy witch’s cave. Inside the cave she found Marcus the knight. She pleaded with him to escape with her away from the crazy witch but Marcus the knight had become bewitched by her evil magic and would not leave. However, he did give her Princess Hayley’s special coat dripping with his steed’s magic horn elixir making the fair maiden Louise promise that she would return it to Princess Hayley. And so the Princess Hayley’s special coat was entrusted to the fair maiden Louise who travelled far and wide searching for Princess Hayley.

She finally found Princess Hayley in a tavern in the land of Dartfordshire at a great feast of roasted meats. The fair maiden Louise presented Princess Hayley with her special coat still warm from the touch of Marcus the knight's steed. She told Princess Hayley of the many nights Marcus the knight had spent stroking his magic horn with her special coat while thinking of the Princess. This caused a strong emotional response from Princess Hayley who was clearly effected by the story. She took the special coat from the fair maiden Louise and put it on. It smelt of Marcus the knight’s steed and was stained from the elixir of his magic horn. Upon wearing the coat Princess Hayley became drenched in the magic elixir from horn of Marcus the knight’s steed giving her magical power. The coat made her invisible as other people would quickly move out of her way as she walked pass.

So it was then that Princess Hayley and her special coat vowed that she would defend the realm of Kentdimuim from all evil and so began the adventures of Princess Hayley and her magic horn elixir covered coat…..

Inspired by a true story (wink wink).

Coping with depression in your thirties

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 11:43:00 +0000

A few years ago now I was diagnosed with depression. I won’t bore you with the details but I got better and things are now pretty much back to normal. You may have noticed that I said “got better” rather than cured as there is no cure. Like many mental health related illnesses such as alcoholism and obsessive compulsive disorders if you have suffered from depression once it is with you for your whole life. I guess a good way of putting it is you don’t get better but instead you get better at it. You learn how to deal with situations which are likely to trigger it and use coping techniques to ride it out. Today is one of those days when mine came bouncing back and hit me in the face. Here is why.

Depression effects people in lots of different ways. The stereotypical (and somewhat misinformed) view is that you sit at home dressed in black with a razor to your wrists listening to Nick Cave and the bad seeds sing “People just ain’t no good”. In reality those of us who suffer from depression are often very product people. In many circumstance over productive since a heavy workload can mask the signs that you are ill from others and distract from having to deal with the issues yourself. It is the whole burry you head in the sand kind of thing. A lot of people (sufferers and onlookers alike) still think that depression is not a real illness and that it is a form of weakness or admission of failure. This is simply not true. Depression is a real illness with real effects, and it is certainly not a sign of failure.

Depression is quite common and about one in ten people will experience depression at some point. Current statistics suggest that women are more likely to have depression than men, and 1 in 4 women will require treatment for depression at some point, compared to 1 in 10 men. This may be because men are less likely to seek help for depression than women and so the true figures are unknown. Men are however far more likely than women to commit suicide. In fact suicide caused by depression is the largest killer of men under the age of forty.

Like I mentioned depression can effect people in a wide number of ways and be caused by an equally wide number of factors and circumstances. For me when mine kicks in it is not a sense of I hate myself or everything is too much to handle but rather a sense of worthlessness. Often it is triggered by a series of repeating failures. The kind of days where nothing seems to go right and ever little things appears to be stacked against you like some sort of worldwide conspiracy.

This morning I had to make my fortnightly walk into town to sign on at the local job centre. This act alone is depressing enough. Having to walk past all the local chavs with their Staffordshire Bull Terriers drinking cans of Stella and smoking Sterling cigarettes outside the job centre at half nine in the morning. Sitting in the waiting area listening to them moan about their ten different children by ten different women who they can never be bothered to see and worse still bitching at the poor staff because they have been waiting five minutes when they could have been down the pub even though they turned up late in the first place and didn’t bother to bring the correct paperwork with them anyway. It is enough to depress anyone. This then was what I had to look forward to this morning when I got up.

Nonetheless I got showered and ready to walk into town. I keep my job search on the computer since it is easier to have it all in one place for record keeping rather than an endless number of loose sheets thrown in a draw. I plugged the computer in to print off this weeks record and the printer starts to moan “ERROR” at me. Come on, you are a printer, it is not a difficult job to have, your one function is to print stuff. After twenty minutes of cursing, reloading the paper, reinstalling the ink cartridge, switching the printer on and off, switching the computer on and off and finally reinstalling the drivers it finally spewed out my one page of A4. I mean really? It worked perfectly fine a week ago when it was last used and all it has done since then was sit in the cupboard.

I was now running late. I rushed out the door and down the road only to find that Maz’s cat was following me. This isn’t the first time she has done this. Maz and I often go for evening walks after dinner and the cat often follows us around the estate. To get out of the estate however you have to cross a busy main road. A main road which the cat won’t go near. That is except today when she decided to follow me out of the estate and down to the road only to find herself scared by the traffic and run around like a sock in a washing machine. Despite my best efforts she would not run away from my side. Fearing that if I crossed the road she would try to follow I had to walk all the way back to Maz’s house in order to lock the cat in so she would be safe. I got to within ten feet of the front door and the cat raced off in the opposite direction and disappeared out of sight. So back I go through the estate to the main road with one eye looking behind me to make sure I wasn’t being followed again. I was now really late.

Having walked off the estate I was now away from the bus route into town and with thirty minutes left to make it on time and four miles to cover I needed to hurry. When I set off the sky was grey and it was cold but for some reason the weather decided to get in on the act too and out came the first sunshine we have seen for a week making the morning hot and the coat I was wearing less than comfortable as I ran along the road. Other delights of my journey included fighting through the gaggle of Mothers on the school run with their huge buggies and 4x4 cars which they drive at you with equal abandonment and disregard for anyone else around them all in an effort to get home and watch Jeremy Kyle. Add to this the woman driving along while doing her makeup who decided to turn her car into a junction without looking even though I was half way across the road at the time and the HGV lorry driver who was on his phone when he reversed up onto the pavement just missing me. Fun times.

Eventually I made it to the job centre be it rather hot and bothered. At this point I figured I would get the bus home. Sod walking back. So off to the bus station I went. Naturally a bus was just pulling away as I arrived and despite seeing me wave frantically at him the driver continued on his merry way. I joined the small queue which started to form and waited for the next one which turned up half an hour later even though they are meant to run every ten minutes. Of course there had to be a change of drivers didn’t there so I had to wait another ten minutes for the new one to turn up. While I waited I was stuck behind a monster of a woman almost as big as the bus itself who was finishing off a packet (yes a packet) of sausage rolls while moaning to herself at the top of her voice with a vocabulary usually reserved for sailors about how she had to stand and wait for the new driver. Eventually the driver turned up, inspected the bus, found something wrong with it and then called his supervisor. This of course meant more waiting and more listen to the stupid fat woman who I could still hear even though she had left the queue and taken a seat on a nearby bench. Clearly ten minutes of standing was more than she could handle. Finally the supervisor turned up. Together with the driver they inspected a panel on the side of the bus. The supervisor then left only to return five minutes later with a hammer which he proceeded to repeatedly hit the panel with before announcing it was fixed. Having now waited the best part of an hour I finally got on the bus. Not before the fat woman who had left the queue pushed her way back in front of me and then proceeded to take up both seats (yep she really was that big) at the front of the bus reserved for elderly people.

By this point I really didn’t care. I took a seat at the back of the bus as far away from the planet size blob at the front as possible for fear of being sucked into her orbit. The bus pulled away, drove out of the bus station, down the ramp and pulled up at the first stop less than a minutes walk away from the bus station where the beast of a woman got off. All that moaning for that. You lazy bitch. Let me guess it is a glandular problem? Of course it is (see here for what I mean). As she waddled off the bus she pushed pass almost knocking over an old man with a stick who must have been pushing the best part of a hundred years old. Slowly, ever so slowly, he made his way onto the bus and took a seat.

I sat and looked at that old man for the journey home. He was wearing an old crumpled suit with a pressed shirt and tie both of which had seen better days and his hands shock as he clutched at the handrail. I sat and thought about the life he must have lived. All those years he would have seen pass and the people that must have come and gone, friends and family alike. And now here he was sat on his own on this bus having almost been flatten by a human vending machine. I sat and thought - I hope I never get that old. I then thought - I hope I never get that old because I don’t want this to be my life. That is when the depression kicked in. A sense that no matter what I did it would never be better than this. That my life and what I do with it has no meaning and no greater effect upon the life of others. We all want to feel that we matter even in some small way. I felt trapped. Sucked down by the frustrations of the morning and the seemingly pointless nature of my existence. That in my life, like the old man, I was still dressing to look smart when really no one cared anymore. What was the point? Why fight it. Maybe this is all I will ever be.

This then is what causes my bouts of depression and how it effects me. The post you have just read is my coping mechanism. I throw my life out there for all to see. I bare my soul. I started this blog with one intention: to know that I was not alone and that others felt like I did and faced similar experiences. That intention continues.

Why teachers hitting children is not such a bad thing

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 16:47:00 +0000

Sundays in the UK usually means one, Sunday roast. A time to gather with family and friends and share chicken or half a cow covered in gravy with roasted potatoes and Yorkshire puddings. Yesterday we did just that. Maz and I paid a visit to see her parents. Sadly we got served up a sweet and sour rather than the full blown roast but I guess you should be grateful for what you get. Naturally polite conversation was made over dinner and for some reason the topic of whether or not a teacher can hit a child arose. Maz’s Mother who often works with children argued no they couldn’t while I strongly disagreed. So who was right? Can a teacher or anyone for that matter hit a child legally?

Before I start I would like to point out that I am completely apposed to hitting child or any form of child abuse. I hope that from reading what follows you can understand where I am coming from in relation to this post before brandishing me a monster.

So can a teacher hit a child legally? Well the answer is simple, yes they can (sorry Maz’s Mum but you were way off on this one). There are many useless facts floating around my head and one of them is a good working of English law. The first thing you have to understand is that in order to assault someone in the eyes of the law you don’t even have to lay a finger on them. Instead you only have to make them think that you will. For example raising a fist in the air in a threatening manner is an assault. Naturally making physical contact with them is also an assault. Even a gentle tap on the shoulder is an assault. Now of course we are all technically assaulted every day. A handshake, a hug, a kiss, bumping into someone in a crowds, standing on someone’s foot at a gig. These are all assaults but we consider them to be sociably acceptable.

Now I am not suggesting for a moment that teachers should go around kissing children but what I am trying to get across is that an assault is not just hitting, kicking, grabbing etc. It spans the spectrum from the mundane of the accidental bump to the extreme of breaking bones or endangering life. That all said any assault be it small or large is considered legal and justified in the eyes of the law if it meets certain conditions.

These conditions include (among others) a person gives their consent such as a boxing match or other physical sports where an assault may occur, if it happened by accident such as stepping on someone’s toes at a festival in a crowd, to prevent a crime taking place such as grabbing someone who was trying to steal your car and most importantly to protect yourself or another from being assaulted, hurt or injured. It is this last point which is important.

The key point is that you are acting to protect yourself or another. That other person can even be the person who is assaulting you. A few examples include dragging a person off a bridge who is trying to kill themselves, punching someone in the face who is mugging you, pulling someone out of a tree who looks like they might fall and so on and so on. These are all assaults but they are legal and justified assaults. If then a teacher is faced with a child walking along a wall and they honestly believe that the child will fall and hurt themselves then they are perfectly within the law to grab that child and pull them off the wall. If a child was running with a knife or some scissors and the teacher believed that the child would trip and hurt themselves or another then again they would be justified. If two children were fighting and a teacher pulls them apart or child is throwing things and smashing up a classroom and the teacher restrains them then that too is fine. In all case the teacher is acting to protect themselves or another. The law is not stupid despite how it may look sometimes and these justifications are commonsense when you think about it.

Now these are of course all pretty simple examples. Children fighting, acting in a dangerous way, causing criminal damage to property. What about a more complex example? Consider two children in playground and one child is on the floor with the other leaning over them. The standing child picks up a stone and holds it above his heading looking like they will throw it at the other. Could a teacher restrain the child with the stone? The answer is yes. Remember in order for an assault to occur a person only has to believe that they or another will be physically harmed rather than any physical act taking place. If the teacher honestly believed that the child was going to throw the stone then that is an assault and in turn they can act to protect the child on the floor by grabbing the other one. The fact the child never assaulted the other one and might not even of had the intention of throwing the stone is regardless as long as the teacher had an honest belief that they would throw it.

No doubt there will be a few people who are quick to point out that there has been several cases of people being prosecuted for acting in this manner. One of the most famous was a farmer who shot a burglar who broke into his home. Naturally the farmer argued he was acting to protect himself but he was still found guilty of murder. Likewise there has been cases of people who have fought off muggers and been prosecuted for the injuries they have inflicted on their would be attackers. So what gives?

The problem here is one of what is reasonable force. The farmer in question shot the burglar in the back as he was running away across a field. It is therefore impossible to suggest that he was acting to protect himself from someone who was running away from him. Likewise defending off a mugger is perfectly fine. If you punched them to the ground and ran away to protect yourself then you have done nothing illegal. If you punched them to the ground and then spent ten minutes kicking them half to death then clearly you are no longer protecting yourself. The level of force you use must be proportional to the level used against yourself or another. So if someone attacks you with a knife and you attack back with a knife then all is good. If they punch you and you shoot them in the face then not so much. In a similar vein the level of force needed to restrain a body builder is different to that need to restrain a eight year old child.

The same laws apply to everyone and not just teachers. From you and me on the streets to police officers and even members of the armed forces. This is why you hear of police using excessive force or soldiers facing charges for killing members of the enemy who are unarmed or have surrendered.

Now no one if suggesting that we all go around hitting each other or that teachers should hit children. As I hope I have demonstrated there are circumstances when doing so is perfectly legal and may even be protecting a child. Obviously hitting a child because they won’t listen, sit still or they get a question wrong is completely morally and legally unjustified. The problem is we live in a society where everyone seems to be afraid of everyone else. In this case schools are afraid of being sued and take the easy option of drumming into teachers heads that they can’t touch the pupils under any circumstance. As such teachers find themselves bogged down in endless health and safety guidelines and ultimately it is the children who miss out on experiences because of imposed regulations which are introduced purely to protect the school from litigation rather than the actual pupils. Schools and alike spend millions of pounds a year creating new rules and guidelines for such things when really the current laws cover every eventuality and then some. The laws in the UK regarding assault have been around for centuries and have been demonstrated, argued and enforced through an endless number of cases in court. Do we really need to reinvent the wheel every year? If we spent more time educating teachers (and others like them) as to what the law says and what their rights are in such matters rather on enforcing red tape just think how much money and resources could be freed up to educate our children.

Me and a girl called Kate

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 16:38:00 +0000

I have a bit of a confession, there is another woman in my life other than Maz and her name is Kate Nash. For anyone who doesn't know Miss Nash she is a British solo singer and I have been bigging her up for the last few years. She broke into the UK charts a few years ago now and last year she released her second album. I however have been following and raving about her since she first appeared on the scene with her Myspace profile way back in 2007. In short I love her to bits (sorry Maz). My love for Kate is not something that many people share with me though. Tom in particular doesn’t really get it and I have to admit that her singing voice and vocal style is a real love it or hate it affair. That all said I am firmly in the love it camp and if you are not or have never heard of her then here are my reasons why.

So where do I start? I guess at the begin as they say. Kate is a singer-songwriter/musician. She was born on 6th July 1987 in Brent, London, England and grew up amidst Brit pop culture. She studied Theatre at the BRIT School for Performing Arts and Technology in South London. She later auditioned at the Bristol Old Vic Theatre School but was rejected after falling down a flight of stairs and breaking her foot. During her recovery she was housebound and unable to move, so her mother bought her an electric guitar to cheer her up. She used this time to focus on her song writing. After several gigs, she uploaded her music to MySpace (remember Myspace anyone?) . She went on to find a manager for herself before seeking producers for her music. Her debut release was a single called "Caroline's a Victim" which was produced and recorded in Iceland and released through Moshi Moshi Records in February 2007. The release was limited to 1,000 copies. Due to demand another 1,000 copies were made and sold out.

"Caroline's a Victim" by Kate Nash 2007

Can you Kick it?

Later that year Kate went on to have a UK #2 hit called "Foundations", followed by the platinum selling UK number 1 album called “Made of Bricks“. She was named Best Female Artist at the 2008 BRIT Awards. Her second studio album, entitled “My Best Friend Is You” was released in April 2010 and spawned her second biggest chart hit to date "Do-Wah-Doo".

Now it is all well and good me going on a about who Kate is and what she has achieved but that doesn’t mean you are going to like. After all I could say she had won a Nobel peace prize for solving world hunger and to be honest you still wouldn’t particularly give a shit. We will forget about all of that then and instead lets take a look (rather a listen) to her music.

I first heard of her by chance on a late night radio show a few years back before anyone had really heard of her and was instantly taken by her beautiful (if somewhat unusual) voice. Kate’s singing style is a bit like an audio version of Marmite in so much that you either love it or hate it. She sings with a very gritty London accent and doesn’t hit every note perfectly but for me that is part of the appeal in this age of Auto-tune one hit wonders. The subjects touched upon in her songs are also somewhat different from the norm. Drawing on her own mundane life Kate sings about ex-boyfriends being full of shit, jumping train barriers, drinking wine, how good she is at swimming, walking past graffiti covered walls and doing crosswords. She paints a picture of beauty in the everyday normality. Add to this the fact that her tunes are very catchy and what is not to love? "Foundations" was the song that really pushed Kate into the public eye and it is still one of my favourites.

"Foundations" by Kate Nash 2007

Come on admit, it will be stuck in your head for days. Despite being incredibly simple (The song is written in C major and uses the three main chords of the key C, F and G as the riff which is used as a simple eight bar ostinato. It follows ABABABCB) it is also incredibly charming. The New York Times said "The song is bright, peppy and mercilessly perceptive." While Pitchfork Media said Kate had a "gift for communicating confusing romance with a keen eye for detail and scene-stealing turns of phrase." The song debuted and peaked at number two on the UK Singles Chart for five weeks. It also reached number 7 in Canada and number 16 in the USA Bubbling Under Hot 100.

Kate followed on the back of “Foundations” with three further singles; “Mouthwash”, “Pumpkin Soup” and “Merry Happy” (which she never made a video for which is a shame since it is great song but never got the airplay it should have probably because of it). You can find “Mouthwash” and “Pumpkin Soup” below for you viewing pleasure.

"Mouthwash" by Kate Nash 2007

"Pumpkin Soup" by Kate Nash 2007

One of my favourite songs from Kate’s first album is “Nicest thing”. She never released it as a single though. Like most of Kate’s songs it is simple, charming and catchy but it paints a beautiful picture of being in love. Full of beautiful images and clever lyrics it has a pallet rich in the pain of longing to be loved we have all felt. Like I said there is no official video but someone did make this rather charming animation to accompany the song.

"Nicest thing" by Kate Nash 2007

Kate’s second album “My best friend is you” was released in 2010 (little known fact - the album was originally going to be called Crayon Full Of Colour). The album met with positive reviews with one critic stating it was "both indie and universal" and calling the album "rather daring". The sound was described as completely different from her debut album and having a "Girl Group" sound, taking influence from Motown stars such as Diana Ross and The Supremes. Kate explained that maturity is the reason for the change in musical style. "Do-Wah-Doo" was the first single from the album. This was followed by "Kiss that grrl" and "Later on". All three can be found below.

"Do-Wah-Doo" by Kate Nash 2010

"Kiss that grrl" by Kate Nash 2010

"Later on" by Kate Nash 2010

Stairway to heaven

Back when I first discovered upon Kate she was still playing gigs in pubs and trying to pull in fans with her Myspace page (remember Myspace? N one?). You typed her name into Google and got pretty much nothing and so it wasn’t until she finally burst into the charts with her hit “Foundations” almost a year later that I got to see just what she looked like and how she performed.

It was certainly worth the wait. Not only did I discover that she was stunningly beautiful with her kooky dress sense and flame red hair but she also carried herself with a carefree irrelevance and joviality.

Of course being a pretty face and being able to blast out a catchy tune is one thing but being someone of principle and actually having something to say is another (well at least in my book and since I believe my readers are equally of substance I am guessing dear reader that the same holds true for you too). There are plenty of pop stars out there who are mass produced by the industry, all quantity and no quality. While bubblegum pop might be fine for some I like a bit more to chew on and swallow.

Whenever I have heard her talk in interviews she has presented herself as an intelligent forthright woman who you could have a deep meaningful conversation with and then drink pints down the local pub with over a game of pool. She is honest to a fault and is more than happy to talk about her dislike of other celebrities who are churned out by the pop machine. She is a woman of passion and principles and for me that only adds to her beauty. Don’t just take my word for it, here are a few interviews with Kate for you to judge for yourself.

Kate Nash interview - Virgin Mobile Bites

Kate Nash interview - Rock am Ring 2010

Keep an eye her body language, how open and frank she is. Nothing seems rehearsed, polished or playing to an image created by some PR expert. It is all from the top of her head straight from the heart. If anything she looks a bit uncomfortable in the spotlight (more on that later).

Sunshine on a rainy day

The final thing I love about Kate is that she keeps it real (ooooh how 90’s). She initial broke out by clever use of her Myspace page (Myspace. Anyone? Anyone at all?) which she setup and ran herself rather than being some mass market record company publicity stunt. Ever since then she has stayed true to her fans continuing to run her social network sites like Facebook herself (with a little help from her sister) and filling them with diary like blog posts, endless pictures of her posing with fans and special recordings of songs and videos which are never released into the charts. Kate is also a fellow blogger user and you can find her own blog called My Ignorant Youth here. She presents herself in a very raw and open manor with her post often being very personal and honest as apposed to the usual “buy my new album now” in your face status updates that a lot of celebrities throw out. I can’t imagine Beyonce positing pictures of herself on her website drunk after a gig or laughing at a huge dildo! Her fans seem genuinely important to her and to that end she is always offering up free tickets to gigs, asking them to design art work for promotional materials and seeking out their opinions on her music. Add to this the fact that she seems to spend most of her time recommending other bands that she is into or books she has read rather than promoting her own self interests and you get the picture of a real person who just happens to be famous rather than a fame monster out to amass the highest number of hits or fans possible.

As you can tell I have a lot of time for Kate and I think she is an excellent role model for how the music industry and celebrities as a whole can be. But that said no one is perfect and I must admit that I don’t like her new haircut much. Sorry Kate.

So that then is the many reasons why I love Kate Nash so much and think that you should too. Okay, if you are into hardcore gangster rap or heavy rave then her songs are probably not going to be your cup of tea but that aside as a celebrity she is someone to be admired. Warm, kind, approachable, down to earth and passionate about her fans, her beliefs and her music. If only our charts were filled with more like her.

Do-it-yourself. I’d rather not.

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 22:24:00 +0000

There are many things that I excel at. I can explain the structure of DNA. Put a game controller in my hand and I can frag down the enemy with the best of them. I am pretty good behind a camera and I cook a mean pot of chilli to name but a few of my many talents. However if you get me to put up a shelf chances are it will fall down within the hour. Some people have a natural ability with their hands for repairing and building while others like me are left wondering how something that looks so easy can be so hard?

My track record with DIY has never been good. Not that I have ever done anything particularly adventurous. I did build a fence with my Dad a few months back in my parents garden but even that didn’t go great. My sister’s boyfriend Arthur (who admittedly is a builder by trade) also helped out and in the time it took him to hack through four concrete post stumps I managed to get through one. Not my most manly of moments.

Previous attempts at some home improvements include drilling a large hole in a wall while trying to hang a mirror in my student house at university. Painting most of the carpet while painting a wall in a previous flat and countless tales of taking broken joysticks to bits only to put them back together in a worse condition then when I started. All in all if there is a job that needs doing I am really not the guy to do it.

In fairness I should be better at DIY than I actually am. My Dad is a mechanic by trade and for as long as I can remember has been able to turn his hand to all manner of jobs around the house. Likewise I was still part of the generation who got taught design technology skills at school. For six years I spent a whole term in the woodwork class rooms making all sorts of badly constructed objects from wood and metal. I can tell you what a dovetail joint is but I'm screwed if I can make one.

As I started out saying some people just seem to have a natural ability for this sort of things. They have a practical ability with their hands. I guess it comes down to how the brain works. If you explained to me how an engine works I would retain that information and be able to pass it on with ease. If you showed me how to take it to bits however I would be lost. I am more a theory than practice kind of person which probably why I have a preference for facts and knowledge rather than practical skills. It is just the way my mind works.

I mention all of this because tomorrow I will be attempting to paint Maz’s bathroom. This will actually be the second time I have tried having made a start a few days ago. I say a start but in reality I got as far as pouring out the paint that she got off of her sister only to discover that it was blue and not white as she thought and then having to clean the rollers and trays again. Now she has gone out a brought some white paint so there are no excuses.

Well here is hoping that it all goes better than my previous attempts. Besides it is only painting two walls. What could possibly go wrong?

Booze, underwear and perverts. All in a weekends work.

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 23:33:00 +0000

Two main things happened to me this weekend. Namely I completed the game Mass Effect on the trusty Xbox and secondly I got called a pervert. The first of these is pretty simple to explain even if it did take several months to get around to it . The later however is a story of a night full of booze, women in their underwear and partying. All of which I just happen to have on video.

I guess I should start at the beginning. Friday night Maz, Hayley, Mark, Chris, Tom, Louise, Mark, me and countless others gathered in a local pub to celebrate Lou’s 29th birthday (that big 30 is creeping up on you). We had gathered in the same pub only a few weeks earlier to celebrate her boyfriend Paul’s birthday as documented in this post. Unlike Paul’s birthday however which was marked with party games and sumo suits Lou had decided to go with a theme. The theme in question was “sexy” or to put it in her own words:

“So the theme is SEXY! And it is going to be what I think is SEXY - which is SEXY UNDERWEAR and UNIFORMS. Now this can be interpreted however you like/feel comfortable. Whether that be wearing a corset, being able to see your bra through your top, wearing a military or school uniform, or (for the girls) anything you bought from Ann Summers”

Sexy then. Hmmmm. Well I went for the sexy look of jeans and a T-shirt. Come on what did you expect stockings and suspenders? Okay so it was a bit of a copout but there was a good turnout and a lot of people really embraced the theme. There was everything from naughty nurses, sexy school girls, kinky cabin crew, corsets, underwear and…. well you get the idea. Lou even went all out and wore two outfits during the night.

The one thing I did bring with me was my trusty Flip video camera. I usually take it with me on big nights out and just like Paul’s birthday a few weeks earlier I intended to make a video of the evening. Now of course with everyone in their smalls I needed to exercise some careful modest camera work. To be honest most people didn’t really care and were more than happy to play up to the camera. A few people came and asked me what I was doing but I simply explained I was a friend of Lou’s and was making a video of the night and they were happy to carry on having a good time.

A few people that is except one guy (who I won’t name and shame) who demanded to know what I was doing and why I was being such a pervert with my camera? To be fair he was no doubt just looking out for people at the party which is an admirable thing to do but his attitude and the way he came across sucked big time. He told me he was running the party and that if I was videoing Lou’s birthday I should only video her and exclude everyone else. Like I said I wouldn’t have minded but the way he said to me felt like a threat. Do what I say of else! It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. Obey me and me only! I mean the guy wasn't even a guest at the party in the first place.

Anyway I went and checked with Lou that no one had any objections to my filming. I then doubled checked and she assured me it was fine but even then I still felt like I had done something wrong when all I was trying to do was capture the fun everyone was having. It really put a downer on my night. A few pints of Guinness later though and everything was back to being good with the world if you know what I mean.

Yesterday then I got around to editing the footage of the party. I knew I had some great stuff but the words of Mr Grumpy stuck in my head. Would people get offended by what I had shot? That was the last thing I wanted. Giving it some thought though I decided that we were all adults and if people were willing to walk around a pub in their underwear in the name of fun they probably wouldn’t take offence when I then made a film to celebrate the occasion. They just didn’t strike me as that sort of bunch. So to hell with Mr Grumpy. He was probably just pissed off that I was at a party surrounded by beautiful people in not many clothes and he wasn’t part of it.

Here then is my video of Lou’s 29th birthday. What do think, harmless fun or a pervert? I think I have done a tasteful job. From the reaction so far from people it seems like I called it right.

I have a heavy skeleton, it's glandular. Fuck off.

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 11:49:00 +0000

A few weeks ago I wrote in a post called Weddings, weddings, weddings. A man's view of the big day about how I had woke up suddenly from a dream and still half asleep I had a wonderful idea for a blog post. However I then promptly rolled back over and slept for another hour or so before waking up again and having no clue what that great idea was. Well it came back to me out of the blue. So what was this hot burning topic? The answer my friends is the subject of being fat.

I guess from the off I should say that I am overweight myself. Admittedly not by much but I’m far from a six pack and more like a keg. Like many people my weight has yo-yoed during my life. I was a very skinny child until about the age of ten when I ballooned to look like a stuffed hamster. Following a school play a year later (it is amazing what six weeks of sing and dancing will do for you) I lost it all again and kept it all off until I went to university. Unsurprisingly a diet of daily drinking and fast food had it’s effects and my weight shot back up again. This time it stayed on until I was faced with what could be considered the ultimate diet, a broken heart. Since then my weight has stayed about the same until recently when I have made a effort to eat better and get out and do some walking each night.

Talking about your weight is a bit of a no go area for us guys. For women the subject of their weight is forced into their face through just about every corner of the media but for us lads there are two camps. Either you are an exercise health nut or a proud beer gut carrying slob. There is very little middle ground.

The question of how the media presents the subject of weight and health is whole other issue but I must admit that a lot of fat people piss me off. There seems to be an increased attitude of “it’s not my fault” and the ever increasing trend to turn to quick fix fad diets rather than common sense.

Like I said I am overweight myself so when I say fat people I mean the ones who say stuff like "it's glandular" or "I have tried all the diets but it won't come off" or "I have a heavy skeleton". Why am I overweight? Because I eat to much crap and don't exercise enough. Sure there are some people with medical conditions which cause weight gain but for 99.99% of us it comes down to eating too much junk food and not getting up off the couch enough. You don't need to go on some sort of cow testicle diet you just need to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly, it really is that simple.

I once watched a show on TV about a year ago about a teenage girl who had her stomach stapled at seventeen. She said that she had tried everything, that the diets just didn't work for her and no matter how much or how hard she exercised the weight just wouldn''t come off. It just wasn't her fault. it was a medical problem. So she had her stomach stapled at the cost the tax payer on the NHS. Do you know what she had for dinner that night when she got home from the hospital? A liquidised KFC family bucket and whole tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. "It's glandular!". Fuck off.

Christmas comes in June for us gaming geeks!

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 16:42:00 +0000

It might not have escaped your attention that blog posts have been a bit thin on the ground over the last week. Yeah, sorry about that but my attention has been caught up with other stuff. I am and have been since the late 80’s an avid gamer. From the tape loading days of the Commodore 64, through the 16-bit wars between Nintendo and SEGA right up to my recently purchased of a shiny new Xbox. You name it I have probably played it. If then you are fanboy like me then you no doubt know that Christmas for us nerds happens in June each year as the E3 expo rolls into town. Don’t know what E3 is? Let me explain.

For those not in the know the Electronic Entertainment Expo (commonly known as E3) is an annual trade show for the computer and video games industry presented by the Entertainment Software Association. It is used by many video game developers to show off their upcoming games and game-related hardware. It is widely considered to be the ultimate expo in the video game industry. Imagine if you will all the best and most exciting things you could possible imagine happening to you over the next year and then imagine that you get a week long preview of them once a year in June. In a nutshell that is what E3 is to gamers. It is our chance to drool over upcoming games and consoles. Like I said, Christmas come early.

Of course if you are not interested in gaming then no doubt you have stopped reading already so I will continue assuming that you are just as big of a geek as I am and present for your viewing pleasure my pick of the most exciting titles shown off at E3 this year. Enjoy.

Hitman: Absolution

Tom Clancys Ghost Recon: Future Soldier

Assassins Creed Revelations

Prototype 2

Forza Motorsport 4

Tomb Raider

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

Batman: Arkham City

For all none gamers I am sorry about the lack of posts and normal service will resume next week. That is if I can pull myself away from Mortal Kombat.

Welcome to the thirtysomething club

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 15:43:00 +0000

This week we have a new member to the thirtysomething club as our friend Paul hit the big 30 on Saturday. To celebrate this landmark of aging his girlfriend Lou organised a surprise party for him at their local pub complete with party games and sumo suits. I was there of course with my video camera and caught the whole thing which you can watch below. Now that Paul has joined our ranks I feel it is only right to offer some advice. What words of wisdom can I then impart to Paul with three decades of life under my belt ?

First off as promised here is the video of Paul's birthday party including Tom, Louise, Maz, Paul, Mark, Lou and myself playing party games such as pass the parcel, pin the tale on the donkey and sumo fighting (well why not?).

There are things that people never tell you as you grow up. Things that you believe will change in your life once you reach your 30′s. We’ll I’m here to straighten you out. Lets examine some of the most popular myths namely; It all makes sense, your money troubles are behind you, you can handle your drink, you have found Mr/Mrs Right and you will be married with children and nice big house. Time to shatter some myths.

It all makes sense

Yeah right. I don't actually think you every reach an age when everything in life makes sense. Certainly wisdom comes with age but absolute understand doesn't. I know my mind better now than I ever did. I know what is important to me and what is not. Yet every day things happen which I don't fully understand. I still manage to get into situations that i don't really know how I got into.

Money troubles are behind you

For some people this maybe true but for most people I know money is just as much of a worry as it has always been. Generally you do tend to have more money than before likewise you also tend to have more outgoings such as rent, bills, debts and all the other costs of the trappings of modern life. What tends to happen is most people live beyond their means, we all want shiny new stuff.

You can handle you drink

By the time you hit thirty you have usually knocked back all manor of stranger shooters, funny coloured cocktails, fine wines, cheap wines, things which shouldn't even be called wine and a whole assortment of liquids which have made you swear "never again" come the next morning. Out of this haze of learning comes a fine selection of a alcohol which falls into either the stuff you like and stuff you avoid. However every now and then things sneak under the radar and once more you swear "never again" come the next morning.

You have found Mr/Mrs Right

This is true for a large number of people. A large number of my friends have settled down or they are in long term relationships. However for those people who are still single in their thirties trying to find that special someone becomes much harder. You don't tend to go out so much and random hookups in nightclubs are pretty much a thing of the past. Instead you are limited to your social groups, be it friends, friends of friends or the people you work with. Also by thirty you are old enough to have been married and have children and then divorced. Not a great situation to find yourself in. On the upside by thirty you have pretty much worked out what you look for in a partner so at least you know what you are looking for even if you can't find it.

You will be married with children and a nice big house

For many of us our parents had managed this by their thirties yet we find ourselves struggling to meet the rent on some little pit from hell let alone a house and kids. It seems that it is just not as easy as our parents made it look. As Catherinette Singleton puts it on her blog "When I was younger I would have sworn on anything that I’d be married with kids by the time I was 25. When I was 25, I was convinced that it would happen by the time I was 30. At 30, I was thinking maybe 33 would be for me. Now at 33, I’m thinking that maybe 40 will work out. Wonder at which point one stops hoping for this?"

Power to the ladies with the help of fairy cakes

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Tue, 31 May 2011 10:00:00 +0000

Regular readers of my blog no doubt know that I love to cook. Since I am not working at the moment it usually means that I am responsible for doing most the cooking throughout the week. It makes sense really since Maz is busy at work and I like the fact that I have diner ready for her when she gets back. For us it is just a practical solution to our circumstances but recently a bit of debate has arisen here in the UK as to whether cooking is a woman’s job and more to the point it should be considered a feminist activity.

The crux of this argument has come from celebrity chef and self proclaimed domestic goddess a Nigella Lawson. She has suggested that while male chefs get all of the attention when in reality the country is fed by an army of women all cooking and baking at home. Further to this she has suggested that baking in particular should be considered a feminist activity and as such should be praised and encouraged.

I certainly grew up in a household where my Mother did all the cooking. My Dad would knock up a mixed grill every Saturday night or so but that was about it. I never considered however that it was a woman’s role. My Dad worked and Mum didn’t so it made sense just like it does with Maz and me. In fairness to Nigella I think her argument is that following on for the feminist revolutions of the 70’s women these days feel somewhat lost saying they want to be housewives or stay at home Mum’s and in reality we should commend them.

While I agree that there is no shame in being a domestic goddess as such arguing that cooking is an activity for any one sex does not help the situation. In an age when children as young as three years old can identify fast food brands we should be encouraging healthy eating and cooking skills in all. I was still part of the generation where in schools girls got taught cooking and boys woodwork. We should instead be teaching all of the next generation the importance of good nutrition and healthy living rather than highlighting it for one sex.

It has reached the point now that the government is talking about putting warning labels on junk food. To be honest if it has reached the point that people need telling that eating six chocolate bars a day is not good for you then we need to go back to basics and look at how we are educating our youth in the first place rather than warning later in life.

What do you think? Should we be praising our nation of female cooks or should we be concentrating on education and skills for all?

Ha Ha you're ginger. No wait a second you're hot. Hot and ginger. No way.

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Thu, 26 May 2011 12:00:00 +0000

Being ginger or at least a redhead here in the UK often means that you are mocked. Most of us went to school with a redhead or at least know of one and no doubt they have suffered the endless torment of being called carrot top or another similar insult at some point in their life. It has been said that insulting redheads is the last form of socially accepted racism in this country. Well I disagree with the idea that redheads are a figure of fun. I happen to think that redheads are kind of hot and after reading this maybe you will too.

Although only approximately 1% to 2% of the human population has red hair here in the UK we have more than most. Scotland has the highest proportion of redheads in the world; 13% of the population has red hair and approximately 40 per cent carries the recessive redhead gene. Likewise Ireland has the second highest percentage; as many as 10% of the Irish population has red hair and it is thought that up to 46 percent of the Irish population carries the recessive redhead gene. A cousin of mine visited from Canada a year or so ago who has red hair and was shocked at just how many people here do. You can’t get away from them.

A lot of people hate redheads with a passion. Maz’s sister for example is currently expecting a baby and has said several times that if the poor child turns out to have red hair she will shave it off. Personally I love red hair. From through burnt orange to bright copper. I prefer darker reds on the whole but think that a woman with red hair is a thing of beauty.

To illustrate my point I have gone to the trouble of finding some examples. Here then in no particular order are ten of the sexiest redheads I know. If this doesn’t set the record straight then nothing will. Enjoy.

Kate Nash

Singer/Songwriter

Christina Hendricks

Actress

Alex Sim-Wise

Writer/TV presenter/Gamer

Alyson Hannigan

Actress

Florence Welch

Singer/Songwriter

Kari Byron

TV presenter/Artist

Karen Gillan

Actress/Model

Rose McGowan

Actress

Julianne Moore

Actress

Isla Fisher

Actress

So then are you still mocking redheads? What do you think then, hot or not? I’m firmly in support of redheads but what is your view? Have I miss someone from the list? Drop us a comment and let me know.

As a side note I would have included some famous male redheads only I couldn’t think of any. If anyone has a suggest then I welcome it.

Becoming a grumpy old man

noreply@blogger.com (Martin) — Wed, 25 May 2011 12:43:00 +0000

Every second Tuesday I have to take a walk into the local town to sign on at the job centre. It is about a 6 mile round trip and while there is a bus I refuse to pay the £5 or so fare. Besides I could do with the exercise. Since Tom has recent joined the unemployment scrapheap he has taken to joining me on this little trek. It is great to have some company and why I would like to say that we talk about breasts and football on our journey in reality we sound more like two grumpy old men.

Naturally we tend to start off with the usual small talk. Namely, what have you been up to recently? How is the misses? Did you watch the F1? That kind of thing. Warm up chat as it were.

We then tend to turn to the topic of computer games. Tom and I have been playing games together since the time of the Commodore 64 in the late 80’s when we were about nine. Playing games and talking about new games has always been a key subject for our friendship. AS it happens the new MM3 trailer was out today so we talked about that and Tom’s recent purchase of Fallout: New Vegas. Most of the conversation how was us complaining about the price of video games these days and how we both refuse to fork out for a new game costing £40 when if you wait a month it will be almost half that price.

Another hot topic for discussion is the recent trend here in the UK for television shows based on the lives of rich (and usually stupid) people. A good case in point is the hit show: The only way is Essex. A show which boils both of our blood. If you have missed this show or don’t know what it is then here is a taste.

Our biggest gripe about the show is just how stuck up their own arse these people are. I mean they really are so thick but think that the world revolves around them. It is one thing to have a show about them but it purposely goes out of it’s way to glorify them, to hold them up as some sort of role models. We came to the conclusion that we need another plague to wipe them out.

So not much talk about breasts and football then. Instead it seems that all we spend our time having a good moan. Seems that we are just becoming a couple of grumpy penny pinching old men bitter at how thick the rest of the world is. Be honest though, who doesn’t like a good rant?