This Absurd Existence

Once Upon a Time, There Was a Girl...

2025-10-20T14:28:00.007-05:00

Hello, dear reader... if one remains.Why would you? After all this time...Do you know what I had to go through to find my way back here? A forgotten identity; forgotten platform; forgotten passwords. I only remembered that once I wrote, and it made me feel like a writer.I was a writer.Once upon a time, there was a girl named Kwirki.Only, I had even forgotten her name. The girl was long gone. A

A Martini by any other name...

2010-03-04T00:02:00.011-06:00

There was an awkwardness about him when I walked into the bar, which I didn't expect. It couldn't be because of anything I'd said or done. All my thoughts about his disingenuous behavior had been kept to myself. I hadn't even turned snarky toward him. I've simply laid low over the last month, kept to myself, and noticed in the time being that there was never a query into my whereabouts or how

A Change in Weather

2006-09-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

It doesn’t take much when the world is falling apart all around us to make us believe that it is by our fault. I suppose that’s because the world falling apart is the one of our own making and the only one we know.But then you rebuild. And in the rebuilding, realize that it isn’t the only world possible. In fact, although it was a world of your own creation, the destruction of which you

Interim (Picking at a Scab)

2006-05-11T00:12:00.001-05:00

Knowing better, I’ve kept my distance. Attempts to reason with him fell on deaf ears. Attempts to start over were met with implied interest, but minimal cooperation. Attempts to be understood were dismissed. Knowing better I’ve kept my distance, save for a nudge here or there … - An impersonal e-card on his birthday, nearly two

Truth Seeking: Revealing the Monster

2005-12-07T23:17:00.001-06:00

I didn’t know I could be so vulnerable. I didn’t know I could set myself up so well for getting plowed down, but that’s exactly what had happened.I realized after the confrontation with the SoHB’s girlfriend that I had set myself up to help bring her fantasy scenario to life. If the girl disliked me so greatly, she would naturally have her own hopes of telling me off and getting the upper hand,

Truth Seeking: Making a Mess

2005-11-20T19:32:00.000-06:00

The truth is not so glamorous a virtue, but it never lets us down, and it always wins. The truth about ourselves or the truth about others. There is no need to differentiate.Isn’t there comfort in knowing the old cliché is correct? The truth shall set us free.I have been silent for a few months now in more ways than one while in pursuit of truth. Silent here. Silent with the SoHB.There was

Broken Chains

2005-07-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

Don’t wish to feel anymore.How many chances can we give a person before giving up? How many ways do we make them show us they don’t care?How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll® center of a Tootsie Pop®?One, two-oo, three … Th-ree!!How long will it take me to forget?I’ve said so often how I wish I understood; how I wish he understood. I’ve said how I wish things could be different;

New Beginnings

2005-05-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

I grudgingly walked the sidewalk approaching the architect’s office. It was the finale of my freedom – the first day on a new job, which couldn’t have come at a better time. My mostly unused vacation/sick pay from the last job had kept me going briefly, along with an insurance claim for superficial hurricane damage and a little money saved up. After this year’s tax refund, I couldn’t foresee

Mind Games: The Showdown

2005-03-31T16:15:00.000-06:00

It was Patch’s birthday, and I don’t like overlooking my friends’ birthdays. Most of us don’t exchange gifts, but we always celebrate. I hadn’t heard from anyone yet, so I called Patch to ask if there were any plans for the evening. He seemed awkward on the phone, ambiguously stating there had been some talk of going out – maybe to Picklefish later that night. It was nearly 7 o’clock, and he was

Mind Games: The Battle Within

2005-03-30T11:49:00.000-06:00

On Monday following the Chili Cook-off – following those lingering glances and the wistful farewell – I still had not received any messages from the SoHB. It was disheartening; I was exasperated. I wrote a final message stating that I had approached him many times with a desire to make amends, but he was clearly disinterested in healing our rift. I asserted that I believed he would regret this

Chili Cook-Off: The Anticlimax

2005-03-03T21:47:00.001-06:00

I awoke early on the morning of Chili Cook-Off looking forward to the day. I even beat Rachel’s* wake up call, calling her instead. While getting ready, I listened to my self-made Over It CD, containing songs like “You’re No Good,” “Respect,” and “No More Drama.” I was rocking out to “You Better Be Good to Me” when Rachel arrived. I opened the door to find her rocking out on my stoop. Big Red

Prelude to a Cook-Off: Part 2

2005-03-01T00:59:00.001-06:00

I was taken aback by The Flirt’s appearance on my doorstep. Knowing what he wanted, I slowly unlatched the door and opened it a crack.“What are you doing?” I asked.He smirked down at me, puffing away. “I was in the neighborhood, saw your light was still on, so I decided to stop by to see what you were doing.”He had been Downtown drinking with friends. I regarded him wryly. “I was in bed – about

Prelude to a Cook-Off: Part 1

2005-02-24T14:11:00.000-06:00

I have a confession to make, dear reader. I’ve withheld information from you out of my own pride and fear of ridicule. The same day I awoke from dreams about the SoHB, I sent him an e-mail – a rambling, revealing, vulnerable message. I knew that I shouldn’t, but my thoughts spilled out of me. After a couple of days with no reply, I followed up with another e-mail simply stating, “Point taken. I

That Wretched Day

2005-02-16T14:49:00.000-06:00

Rachel* and I decided to be each other’s Valentines this year, which required us to do something other than sit around the house in a pity party. Even though it was a Monday night and she had to be at work the next day, we decided to have a couple of drinks at Bojangle’s. While making arrangements, she mentioned that Big Red had asked what was up for the evening. (Last week, I sent out an e-mail

Soul Searching

2005-02-15T00:14:00.000-06:00

Up. Down. Up again. Down again. For several days following the dreams I was on an emotional roller coaster. There was no doubt that the dreams were an expression of inner turmoil bubbling to the surface, my suppressed anger being a common theme in both. There had to be a reason for this surfacing now, and I had no doubt as to its source. The Chili Cook-Off approaches, an annual event that is a

Troubling Dreams

2005-02-02T11:43:00.001-06:00

I wish he would just go away.I dreamed of him all night. I dreamed he brought me to his home, and I crawled into his bed to pass out after a harrowing night in the weather. Funny, though. It was like I didn’t realize where I was or whose bed I was in. When I came to, I could overhear him talking with Rachel* in the living room. I tried eavesdropping, but the television was too loud to make out

Validation in a Gas Grill

2005-02-01T13:35:00.000-06:00

For the first time in over 15 years I went to see a Mardi Gras parade. Most my friends weren’t available, as usual, but Rachel*, my trusty partner in crime, rallied for a Thursday night outing. We cut down Dauphin St. to avoid the crazy Government Blvd. traffic and were amazed with the available parking on the street. Then, we stopped in at Hero’s for a bite to eat before walking down to

The Most Inexcusable Slights

2005-01-30T02:06:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: This entire post was written and posted while still quite intoxicated. Please be mindful.I feel utterly disrespected, like a nobody. Trying to pull the wool over my eyes … Imagine!The Flirt was part of my group tonight. I met Rachel* for dinner. We met up with other friends later. The Flirt was among them. He is newly returned from a trip to Louisville, KY. I knew he met up with his

What's Your Line?

2005-01-29T15:14:00.000-06:00

Let’s talk about pickup lines, boys and girls. You know … those wonderfully glib words used as introduction to desirable members of the opposite sex, hopefully rendering us irresistible. Guys probably have their favorites. Girls have their lists of most hated. I know I do. There must be a great divide. Guys don’t use their lines in front of girl friends. Girls are almost always picked up when

A View from the Sidelines

2005-01-26T13:06:00.000-06:00

I wonder if I could invent a career of sports casting the bar scene. While sitting unobtrusively in an alcove, I would give play-by-play accounts of the various dramas, peppering my commentary with witty insights into events. What do you think? Is there a niche for this? All I know is that it would be a blast.Saturday night. The scene is Bojangle’s, a favorite neighborhood bar newly

Why Did It Move Me....

2005-01-21T19:03:00.000-06:00

Why did it move me, whatever he said? Why do I still savor the few delicious words that survived my alcohol induced fog? Why do I long for more?Last week Rachel* and I enjoyed an impromptu girls’ night out so much that we decided to repeat it, this time including our lazy, undependable friends. I knew it was probably a mistake. Those evenings always turn out so great just because they are

Reasons to Avoid Dating a Drinker

2005-01-17T22:01:00.000-06:00

This may seem like a no-brainer, but believe me, you, too, can be lured by the tragic beauty of a drinking man.While out with friends this weekend, I ran into a guy with whom I had one date. The reason we dated only once was because he drank 6 beers to my 2 during a couple of hours, and our conversation gave me a pretty good idea of his regular drinking habits. Having been through the ringer with

Blessings in a Special Blend

2005-01-09T02:32:00.000-06:00

It is a cup of Santa’s White Christmas from Barnie’s. I’m welcomed by its soothing aroma. It is a gift to myself … a congratulations. With satisfaction I sip it slowly, knowing that somewhere there is a person I cared for, someone who claimed affection for me, who simultaneously may experience a moment of greater significance or excitement, but isn’t enjoying it nearly as much. Not needing

Resolution: An End to Begging for Crumbs

2005-01-06T14:04:00.000-06:00

The most amazing fact about resolution is that it isn’t an act of reaching common ground with another person, but finding resolve within yourself.The Christmas season came and went. It was particularly trying for me. Little had I realized its concealed importance in my relationship with the SoHB. I never believed it to have any special meaning for us. Other than a cursory exchange of gifts and

Into the Realm of Madness

2004-12-12T17:06:00.000-06:00

There are moments when we forget ourselves … moments when good intentions do not feel so noble, and cannot protect us in our frailty … when we are defined by our tragedies more than our strength. What is our humanity? Is it prevailing over our weakness, or is it the weakness itself?I believed myself to be over the SoHB following the debacle at the concert. Bringing his girlfriend that night