This is really one of the most useless things I have ever seen but for some reason I really want one….

Useless Box Kit from ThinkGeek

I know this is slightly late but I think it is funny enough to post anyway.

Happy Fathers Day.

A late but funny Happy Fathers Day.

Why am I writing this? Boredom? The absolute need to share my brilliance with the small percentage of the worlds population that actually reads english and bothers to read my badly typed english? Fuck knows. But here you go, a gift from me to you…it’s a kak gift, one of those you receive and you’re not sure how to say thanks without having your face completely and utterly betray your lying soul…but it’s still a gift. So lie to me and accept it gracefully.

Step 1 : The need to build one

Rats…
Fuck Rats. I Hate them, smug little hairy fuckers, who think they can squat in your roof without paying their damn share. Freeloaders that’s what they are.
Catching a rat is a mission, they are way smarter than they look and love to outsmart the standard on-the-market traps.

But, let’s say for some reason you catch the Malema of the rat populace. Let’s say the retard wanders into your “Have a Heart” trap. Yes I use those gay traps that don’t kill the bastards, because I was raised by a mom that felt bad if a bird died of old age and landed on her lawn, don’t get me wrong, my dad would shoot it and eat it’s still beating heart…however he was at work when I was getting my Lady Parts tattooed on my heart. So here I am, faced with the prospect of a rat in a cage, staring at me with its poor whittle cutesy eyes, its little hairy whittle body and its “please don’t kill me, I’m nothing compared to you” attitude. Staring at that demeanour turns any heart to mush. Then, you see the tail, the tail straight out of the seventh circle of hell. It was Nature’s way of telling us, “Don’t get fooled, this thing here, it’s a disease bomb waiting to go off”…

Sourced from  number1pestcontrol.co.uk

26% for Woodworking. 35% for Trap Evasion

Anyway, so here I am confronted with a Living, healthy beast from hell. Naturally my manly side steps aside for the Tattoo of a vagina on my heart, and I start to think of possible places to deposit this rat, without it coming back to me, but also so I don’t put it out of its comfort zone too much. I could drive 10km and drop it somewhere in a field….sure, that’ll work…for a fucking Gaylord. I could drop it in a bucket of water while still in the Trap, apparently that’s semi-humane….for The Son of Sam.

Or I could do the next logical thing. Build an Owl house and hope I get the living incarnation of a Rats’ “Grim Reaper”. Sweet, that sounds a lot less like me having to drown a rat and a lot more Heavy Metal.

Step 2: Acquiring the materials and tools

An important part to building anything, is plans. I lack the mental power to sit down and just draw up a plan. So I downloaded it from the interwebs. It’s the modern way of doing things…

Thanks Google

Buy a few cheap wooden boards, a hammer, saw, pen and workbench. I’m ready to get all up in this building an Owl House bitch! I would like to point out, that this is by far the easiest and most enjoyable Step. It also doesn’t nearly mean you’re done. I Like to lay all of the bought tools out neatly in front of me, this gives me the feeling that I have done something.

Step 3: Cutting and Measuring.

If you’re an astute do’er of things physical, you will know that you generally Measure and then Cut. But if you’re like me and you’re humming “Eye of the Tiger” while Cutting and then measuring then you have also now realized that it is the most effective way of wasting 2 perfectly normal wooden boards.
Now run back to the store and buy 2 more boards. Humming of “Eye of the Tiger” is optional at this point.
Now you own 2 new pieces of wood and you’re capable of starting out your project. Measure. Measure this time. I would suggest using a measuring tape, and not a 15cm length ruler that you got out of your sons toy box.
Follow the plans and cut the 6 planks you require. Cutting by the way is a huge fucking job, and requires no less than 2 hours and 6 beers.

Tighter Belt and Possibly shoes next time

Step 4: Assembly and Varnishing

This is where the 6 beers come in. If the beers were neglected before this step, lots of swearing will follow multiple balancing acts gone wrong and nails bent.
It helps to have a little help here. Except for my son doing the majority of the work on the project, I got my wife’s help to hold the assembly at an angle where I could hammer away. If you have proper tools(Clamps) and work benches this portion of the project is a lot easier…or so I have heard.

Little Help

I would suggest putting healthy amounts of glue down, before nailing the sides together. Everyone knows owls like to sniff glue and who am I to argue. One thing I am not, is a hypocrite…enjoy the high times my owl friends.

Bachelor flat to let: 1 room, sleeps 5 barn owls, immediate availability.

Oh yeah, you gotta varnish or paint the thing. Who cares, I didn’t. I figure if this works, I can actually put some proper effort into the next one. Little Owl Bar, Owl Couches, Little Owl Biltong Makers…

Step 5: Mounting

So now you have this Owl House ready for mounting. It might look like it was built by a 5 year old, but who cares. I have never met an Owl that owns a tape measure or a spirit level. And by the way, its a free fucking house. All I ask is for you to do your shit, Eat rats and mice. Done.
This part is not something you can plan…or I guess you could. But I wouldn’t know how to start. So I asked my brother in law to help me. I got on the ladder and had him pass me the Owl House. This is a tad tricky however and you need to mount it high enough for Owls to be interested. A good rule of thumb is, that if its low enough for your dogs to eat the owls. Then it’s too low.

Location! Location! Location! 

Step 6: Wait for Owly Vengeance

Ok, I don’t know if this is actually going to work and people tell me I need to put some grass, or some shit down for the Owls. But holy shit, how are Owls not extinct yet, if we need to do all of this shit for them? It’s a free damn house, the least they can do is bring their own furniture.

Fucking ungrateful freeloaders.

6 Steps to Building an Owl House

Millions of vintage households worldwide are in uproar as it has recently come to light that Anders Behring Breivik(the confessed murderer of 77 innocent young men and women) is, a gamer. But not just any gamer; he played the massive multiplayer online role-playing game, World of Warcraft. And up to 17 hours a day, no less. I’m sure that you all must think this is a highly irrelevant topic regarding his trial, but you’ve got to understand that, next to whether or not he listens to Slipknot, this is just about the most important question any self-respecting prosecutor could conjure.

Prosecutor Svein Holden meanwhile said that his questions didn’t mean to put blame on the popular game for the attacks. Personally, I find it hard to believe that he had any other motives; other than of course befriending the mass murderer in the online fantasy world for the purposes of chasing after each other in the daisy-abundant fields of Durotar… Okay, so, maybe not entirely abundant.
I know that World of Warcraft is an extremely violent game, and all- or it would have been, if we had lived in a society where every individual was under the age of 12. But frankly, we have more pressing concerns at hand.

We’re all thinking the same thing here: if the implication is that World of Warcraft could influence or even inspire a mass murderer’s idealogical onslaught, the Smurfs should at least be able to instigate the abduction of a small child, right? So why isn’t it a genuine concern that hordes of children are sneaking out of their parental homes this very instant to perform rituals in the name of Papa? And we call ourselves a functioning society? We’re probably already too late. And let’s not even get started on you, Dora. “Aquapet“, really? You think we don’t know what that “D” stands for, you conniving little slut?

But what should really be raising the alarm, is the fact that Mr. Breivik spent up to 17 hours a day playing the game. Now, we can all have our own takes on why he would do that, but personally, I believe it’s to stay on par with his arch nemeses. His unconquered foes, and battle-hardened opposition. What this is really telling us, is that he was but an initiate, working harder each day. Striving to achieve Gaming perfection. And if a youth-hunting, serial killing, Scottish Prom-Attending Norwegian is but an initiate in the grander scheme of things, I think we’ve got a serious problem.

You guessed right- Koreans. Not only do they play R-Rated games, but they’re good at them. These are the fuckers that had Breivik yelling at his computer monitor every saturday night for years. Not to mention they’re half his age. They’re basically breeding an entire country of killing machines over there. And we’ve been worrying about a middle-aged Norwegian man? We’re doomed, that is, if they’re even concerned about us at all, and don’t just skip ahead to becoming an intergalactic super-force. Shit, if a T for Teen rated game can cause you to murder 70 of them, I don’t see why 18+ can’t send your Asian ass to the Moon.

I’m sorry Mr. Holden, but I think our attention has stood divided quite long enough.
It’s time to make a stand. Stop asking irrelevant questions and get your ass in the game.

Read more about this alarming story here.

Anders Breivik: Terrorist, Mass Murderer, Level 85 Blood Elf Warlock

LinkedIn has been in the news twice this week, once for its new iPhone app which downloaded all its users’ calendar info without permission. They have addressed this issue and made some changes to the app so if you have the app don’t stress, read below and then you can stress.

They have now been hit by hackers who have stolen over 6.5 million user logins and passwords. The passwords are all encrypted but unfortunately they are “unsalted” which makes them relatively easy to crack. I strongly recommend you change your password no matter how strong you think it is and if you use the same password on any other sites it would be recommended to change those as well.

Most people use the same password for everything from their personal computer to their bank accounts and that is the reason it is bad. Imagine your password is one of the 6.5 million that have been hacked from LinkedIn; the hackers now have your password as well as your email address. A quick login to your Facebook account and they have detailed information about you and your family, chances are you have a Gmail account which they can also use to monitor your activity and find sensitive data that you send and receive. What about a PayPal account? Many of us use PayPal to make online payments these days. With your email address and password the same as any account that gets hacked your PayPal account which is normally linked to your credit card could be maxed out.

Remember hacks like this are not done for the purpose of gaining access to just your LinkedIn account, they can and normally will lead to much more serious crimes which could leave you bankrupt.

Over 6.5 million Linkedin user accounts hacked.

I am sort of over the whole ventriloquist thing lately but this video really made me laugh.

Nina Conti the Ventriloquist uses unsuspecting guy as her puppet

Sourced from Nasa

Unless you’re a Highlander or a Vampire, the odds are you wont be seeing this again in your lifetime…well I guess a Vampire wouldn’t be seeing this anyway, due to it being the Sun and it involving staring straight at it.

Anyway, Venus is passing infront of the Sun today and tomorrow. Apparently us folks in Africa will be able to see it at sunrise tomorrow morning the 6th of June 2012. The point I was trying to make above is that after today and tomorrow morning, this will only happen again in 2117. So get out your special Sun Ogling glasses and glare at the mighty giant in the sky…although you probably wont see it with the naked eye.

I would suggest dressing your eye in something, cause lets be honest, no one wants to see your eye naked.

And after that, get a telescope with a fancy Sun filter or some such shit. You could also try and find out if there is a Planetarium in your area that will hold special viewing events for this.

Otherwise just do what I do and hit up Nasa’s Website for the pics.

Updated:

Here is what you missed if you did not see the Venus Transit.

Transit of Venus across the face of the Sun

So those geeks who read comics in Highschool, you know the guys who were shunned by the math geeks, the jocks and the music class group. You know the type I’m talking about, too uncool for school…well it seems they were cooler than you thought. That’s what $1.355 Billion in ticket sales tells me anyway.

I was one of them. And you know what? Seems that our movies make more money than yours…losers.

Music Class Group : “The Piano” – Total Domestic Gross: $40,157,338 (No worldwide gross, pfft)
Math Geeks : “Good Will Hunting” – Worldwide Gross: $225,933,435
Jocks : “Invictus” – Worldwide Gross: $124,491,960
Cool Comic Geeks : “Avengers” – Worldwide Gross: $1,355,236,980

Suck it up the tail pipe losers, go cry in your oversized rugby ball pillows.

Avengers hits $1.355 Billion.

Artist Terry Border  uses everyday objects to create some seriously cool works of art.

I must say I am not normally a very big fan of art, I don’t see the point in paying someone thousands sometimes even millions to splash some paint on a canvas when I get the same effect everyday from my 3 year old twins.

This kind of art on the other hand is pretty cool.

You can find Terry Border’s book on Amazon

Images sourced from Brain Pickings

Cool works of art by Terry Border

If the title hasn’t convinced you yet, the lank charna’s accent surely will, Okay?!
After the use of such a varied vocabulary, I’m at a loss for words so I’ll leave it up to you guys, okay?
(due to the nature of this video, comments won’t be censored. Okay)

This will Blow your Mind. Okay?