This Child Aint Yours

Will You Still?

2019-06-22T19:33:00.001-07:00

Will you still be walking by my side when I am grey and old?

Tea Anyone?

2019-06-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

I have decided to stop taking the commercial branded tea, if anyone doesn’t know I am a tea drinker. I love my tea light with a bit of sugar. A good pot of tea will make my day; I have tea with crackers, tea at lunch, dinner and tea all the time.

Not too long ago I discovered that most of the commercial branded teas were super unhealthy, factory produced with poor quality control and that might be harmful to the body in the long run. Some of the brand even use artificial coloring, gosh and to think that I was a ‘tea tarik’ maniac then. I can only imagine how much that could have affected my body, anyways, what’s done is done.

Now tea has a new chapter and meaning in my life, this is how I drink my tea or I considered as tea. It is a mixture of cinnamon stick, dry mint leaves, lemon juice and ginger, put them together except the lemon juice and bring to boil over medium heat for at least an hour. Just before drinking add the lemon juice and some sugar, in my case I used the sugar free. Sip the tea slowly and indulged in the sensation of the taste of each item that come into making the tea, just heavenly.

Tea anyone

You

2019-05-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

I no longer live in time, I live in the moments. Ascending, it's not what's in my pocket that matters, but what's in my heart that honestly matters. Love is just a word until someone comes along, and gives it's meaning.

You!!!!! You're that meaning in my life.

15 years and continuing. Alhamdulillah

The Fake of Grande

2019-04-27T23:56:00.001-07:00

Sometimes in life you stumble upon things that intrigue you, amaze you, and wow you. Then, you look at pictures that you have posted on social media, kept in the archive, pictures shared with family and friends, and you go yes, I've been there, and done that. That moment, the food, and the ambiance from memories not so long ago makes you want to travel to those places again.

You want to just taste that succulent langoustine after a walk in the Vineyard, that oh so yummy fish soup in the cold autumn weather, and or just that moment you were so poor but you still want to experience China Town in Singapore, and can't afford anything but a bowl of rice porridge. It all comes back that one particular day.

I have had a lot in my life, being a single mother of four at a very young age, losing my job, and being diagnosed with cancer twice. I'm thankful for everything. I don't have much to give to the world, but I'm very sure that my happiness to share all those restaurants/places that I enjoyed, in my google map had made a lot of impact for others to come and check the places out. That's epic in my own vocabulary.

I love sharing information on small businesses, humble beginning, and hidden places that more than often are lost in the fake jungle of grande. Most of the places I have been to are normally very health friendly to people like me, who should always be conscious of food consumption.

Cancer is real, living with cancer is not a choice, but keeping my cancer on watch is a hundred percent my choice. Therefore, clean, healthy food consumption is of utmost importance to me.

Thank you Google for allowing me to pin/tag restaurants/places passionate to me to help people in my circle, and beyond.

Kapal

2018-01-12T02:04:00.001-08:00

Dulu aku ada kapal,
Ramai yang menumpang
Sekarang aku kayuh sampan
Seorang pun tak pandang
Esok aku mungkin hilang.
Orang pasti ingat, aku dah karam
Mereka tak sedar,
Padahal aku dah punya kapalselam, dan belum tenggelam.

----- edited words, original not mine ------

This is the story of my life. When I'm down even family thinks that I'm an alien.

Alhamdulillah, no hard feelings. I came here alone, and will go back alone. Thank you Allah.

Solitude

2017-12-08T06:45:00.002-08:00

I love being alone, been in solitude. This is the moment for me to inhale and to know the possibilities from the impossibilities. They said, I'm being arrogant but they forget how far I've walked to patch things up, to try to fit in, but my afford is nothing compared to what they want.

Please leave me alone in my space, to understand me, to love me, to enjoy me, to forgive me, and continue my distance away from you.

Pardon me, because I do really need to reset, recharge and regroup me. I love my solitude.

Don't Understand

2017-10-14T01:15:00.001-07:00

I am trying to understand, and still find it impossible to understand, how my name often ends up in the mouths of people that I don't even know, and never spoken to in any day of my life.

Life is strange, but people are nasty. Therefore, strange is nothing.

Me

2017-10-12T03:00:00.001-07:00

Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see - Rumi

Words

2017-10-08T16:18:00.001-07:00

Your words thrown freely at me
As though I'm deaf,
As though I'm dead,
As though I'm nothing,
As though I'm without feelings.

It hurts me
More than you can imagine
More than I can express
More than words can describe
More than the tears that I hold back

You treated me
Like a wasted being
Like a leopard without spots
Like a rainbow without colors
Like a night without the moon

Why me?
Because you know I love you
Because you know I'm very forgiving
Because you know I'm not nasty
Because you know I'll never stop praying for you

Above all, because you know a mother's love conquered even the deepest of darkness in your heart.

May Allah Swt forgive you and keep you safe always.

Allah Knows

2017-09-25T16:21:00.001-07:00

When I'm crying, Allah knows
When I'm hurting, Allah knows
When I'm laughing, Allah knows
When I'm afraid, Allah knows
Whatever I do, Allah knows all

I'm never alone, because Allah is always with me
Allah knows how much my heart is breaking
Allah hear all my prayers, and crying in begging Him
It is not that Allah is ignoring me, but I'm very sure that He is only planning the best for me

In Shaa Allah

Never Too Far

2017-09-15T16:55:00.001-07:00

This is our life boo, it's been more than a year. It's tough, it's sad, it's lonely and it's scary; been away from each other.

It is not our call boo, what plans He has for us will always be the best. Our Creator is the best of planner forever.

I'll keep on fighting this disease, I'll go on with my life. I'll push sadness away and try to erase it from my vocabulary. I live my life by minutes, by hours if not by days, that's what cancer has taught me boo.

I'm stronger because I know, boo, you're fighting this battle harder than I am. Thank you for everything my love.

I love you till Jannah.

People Don't Always Change

2017-09-10T16:55:00.001-07:00

With all the tribulations that I have been through, and at this age, I must realized that hopes are yours, but it is never yours without His blessings.

People don't change, they never will. Therefore, stop thinking that they would someday.

Trust your heart and know that all that's good can only come from your Creator.

What's My Direction

2016-07-25T20:44:00.001-07:00

I'm missing home so much
Every waking hour I wish that it's the beautiful mountain that greets me,
Not the sound of kids screaming and crying
Not the sounds of the honking and heavy traffic
I ponder and I keep on wondering
Why am I still here, what's my direction?

I'm Made Of Steel

2016-06-21T20:09:00.001-07:00

Eight years, a long eight years
The thought of returning to this land
Never really enticed me

But Allah knows best

With my new cancer I have to return
I caught the bait of strong promises
All I want is to get better
With the least of financial involved
Seeing my parents and grandkids is a bonus

Here I am, the treatment so far so good
I'm glad the bill was not as mountain high
I got to have my parents for a moment
Alhamdulillah, for Allah always know best

My grandkids are keeping my days bright
I look forward to seeing them every day
They are the new dimension of hope
The innocent never lies

Eight years, I came back to worst siblings
I should have expected this
But time does change people for the better
Only not with this family

Am I sad, no
But demotivated, yes
I have to be made of steel to stand alone
Allah knows best.

It's Another Friday Today

2016-06-20T23:52:00.001-07:00

It's another Friday today Abah
Maybe you'll wake up
Maybe you'll call my name again
Maybe you'll smile again
Maybe you'll talk again
Maybe you'll joke again
Maybe you'll drink again
Maybe you'll eat again
Just maybe Abah
But I'm hopeful
Allah Swt knows best Abah, He's our Creator

#love you till Jannah Abah
#you are never far from me
#praying for you Abah

When The Shutter Closes

2016-06-20T23:49:00.001-07:00

When the shutter closes Abah
When all the noise is long gone Abah
When the moon stands up smiling Abah

I'll creep into your room Abah
I'll stand by your feet watching you Abah
I'll count your heartbeat Abah

You are sleeping Abah
You are still my handsome Abah
You are the strength that I live for Abah

Goodnight from your midnight owl Abah
Goodnight from the outcast owl Abah
Goodnight and good morning Abah

I'll come creeping in again Abah
They can take everything from me Abah
But they cannot deny my blood right Abah
I'll fight till death for that Abah

Because I love you till Jannah Abah

Father's Day

2016-06-20T23:46:00.001-07:00

It's Father's day today Abah
I came back as promised
You were deep in sleep
I watched you, I wished I could hug you tightly
But I was afraid that it would wake you up
I remember our last conversation Abah
It was surreal, it was deep
Then I lean forward and kiss your forehead
You smell so good. Alhamdulillah
I'll give them the cream that you like again
It's the least that I can do for now
I'm threading on thin lines
To always be very careful of our time together
Happy Father's day my Abah
I love you till Jannah

You Can Do It !!!

2016-06-20T23:38:00.002-07:00

Abah, it's the 15th day of Ramadan today
I came back to visit you as promised
They moved you yet to another private room
I'm glad that there's no one with you
I just want to be alone with you
You looking so tired Abah
I wish I could take all your pain away Abah
I wish that there's more that I could have done
I wish and I wish and I'll keep on wishing
Standing next to you, I recite the AL Qur'an
While reading the surah, you opened your eyes a couple of times
Your mouth moving, as though you are taking to me
You coughed a couple of times during my reading
I placed my hand on your chest Abah to comfort you
You are so frail Abah, tears just run automatically from my eyes
I'm not giving up on you Abah
I want you to get well, you are a fighter Abah
You can do it, and I know you can
Allah Swt willing you can Abah, you can
I left when it was your feeding time
Kissing you gently on your forehead and cheeks
Goodnight Abah
See you same time tomorrow, in shaa Allah
Love you till Jannah Abah

Today I Know You Still Love Me

2015-03-10T08:06:00.003-07:00

Today, after a long, long time, I let myself go, I let all the tears that have been welling inside me flow fiercely and freely. I was not ashamed if anyone will witnessed the tears, not ashamed to admit that I thought this moment will not come. Thank you Allah.

Thank you alone is never enough for me to tell you Al Mighty Allah how grateful I am for today. Show me ya Allah, lead me to be your best of servant and to always be ever so thankful to you.

Today I know you still love me.

Fake

2015-03-04T05:12:00.002-08:00

Often time I will find myself wondering and pondering on my life. What ifs and what if not. It's amazing how I realized that there were so many road in my life that I would not want to walk on again, that I wished I was not blinded to have gone, and made those road part of my history.

I will be lying if I did not feel any remorse or regrets having visited those road again in my mind games. However, what can I do? I had promised that I will not live in the past and try to forget as much as possible those dark road in my life. I must admit that I do hate myself for not loving me as much as I was loving the world then, and pining to be the best in the world.

Now, I realized that this world is full of fake people, your friends, the strangers, all the the people that your crossed path with, but the saddest of them all is when you have been slapped hard on the face with the realization that, the most fake of them all are your own family..............

My Kitchen

2015-02-26T00:35:00.001-08:00

I'm not someone who likes an open kitchen, but then again, it is always what you don't like, you are bound to get it. That's happening to me now, and I'm left with no other option but to teach myself to learn to like the idea of an open kitchen.

To keep my mind into focus of this reality, hubby took me around to visit a couple of kitchen designers and providers. Some of the concepts were really mind boggling and beautiful, but achievable? ................. hemm, I don't know.

Early this week, we went again to play around with designing our own open kitchen, and then we got one of the lady in charge to help us to toy with our ideas, It was very interesting and seriously, I'm loving it now. Hopefully, my open kitchen will not drive me nuts, as I have become too obsessed with neatness and cleanliness, and the whole house smelling pure heavenly.

Help me Allah.

My Blog

2015-02-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

The other day, I told my husband that I wanted to close my blog. He was surprised, and he does not agree to my suggestion, giving reasons that I thought was legit, and so here my blog stays.

I did this blog initially to pen down all my feelings, my thoughts, and grievances, and to share some of my life experiences. It is also with the thought that my grandchildren might get to know me better, when they are adults, and when I'm no longer living. But, as I enter the ending stages of my life, I realized that, may be none of my grandchildren will be aware of my existence at all. Therefore, it is better to keep it that way, then to confuse their life later on.

Hubby gave me all the very reasons that I should maintain my blog, and that he will keep it going if I were to leave this world before him. Therefore, this blog now is my diary of living for my husband, whom I adore and love so much,

I Don't Forgive you

2015-01-28T23:28:00.000-08:00

One day I will die, this is for sure. Everyone will eventually perished from this earth. I don't want you to cry, or to be sad, or to be subdued; or to be over thinking of the ifs and the what ifs? Because I don't care, I really don't care. All I need from you is, anytime I passes your mind, say a little prayer for me, and at any stage if you have some extras, give to the poor, or feed the poor in my name; or give to the mosque for their needs,

I have long forgiven you for the hatred that you have towards me, for all the things that you have said about me, or may still be saying about me, because I really don't care. If that was your opinion or perception towards me so be it, I'm not here to judge you or to correct you. I have done my part, dust and dusted. Period.

However, I will never ever forgive you for saying that I'm the worse mom ever and that I'm not your mom. Again, it is your opinion, enjoy it as much as you want, but just remember I DON'T FORGIVE YOU for this.

Enough said.......................... da da da da.

We Don't Have Too Much Snow

2015-01-20T23:48:00.002-08:00

We don't have too much snow this winter, but it was fun while it lasted.

Lessons From Sacredness

2015-01-18T23:40:00.001-08:00

Hi.............................. being a very long time.

It's 2015 now and January is almost coming to and end. Life has been good, Alhamdulillah.

2014, I bid you a memorable farewell. Many things happened, many very unexpected. I learned for lessons of trust, I learned from lessons of heartache, I learned a lot from you 2014 and I will keep on learning in 2015.

My health situation took a very challenging curves in 2014, to say I almost gave up was the near honest, but I thank Allah for giving me the strength to carry on. I thank my honey bunny who never ceased to give me the encouragement to win the battle. It was an incredible fate.................... not to mentioned how we have to survived albeit the mountains of medical bills. Alhamdulillah............ we still sleep good in the night.

Welcome 2015