This Child Aint Yours

More Morons

2012-01-27T02:37:00.000-08:00

Children are naturally born curious, but for parents to allow their children’s curiosity beyond the safe zone is pure STUPIDITY. No wonder there are more morons in children of today.

I Need You More

2012-01-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight a whole chunk of me has died. Those words reaped me of all trust, dream and the present. I feel totally hopeless, what is my purpose exactly? Why?

Sleeps reject me again like many nights before tonight. The anxieties keep coming to haunt me over and over; I am trying to figure out what all the anxieties are all about? Am I afraid? Is my sickness taking the best part of me, or are those words the killer of my sanity?

I don’t know, I wish I can have a direct line to the Lord. I pray that He hold me closely and bless me with some settlement or containment of a simple heart and mind.

Lord help, I need You more and more.

Just Follow Your Heart

2012-01-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

I will put my life on hold for you. Nothing is more important than to give you that space, the space of self-centeredness. I don’t want you to be trapped as a victim of circumstances.

You are a free man, just follow your heart.

0245 hours

Silence

2012-01-26T16:55:00.000-08:00

I started to speak to the Lord more and more. There’s no one else that I could trust to whisper all that I am holding in my mind and my heart. It is 0148 hours now, silence, eerie, petrified and everything but calm. Lord, I have no doubt that you are hearing me, because, really, when it comes to the matter of life and death, who else do I speak to?

Dear Lord ..…. You can stop all this .….. why don’t You?

Silence.

I Just Want To Drift Away And Fly

2012-01-25T01:31:00.000-08:00

I was again sleep deprived last night, besides the untimely persisting appearance of the pain; I was just full of anxiety. There were butterflies in my stomach; my heart was missing a beat ever too often. I on the TV but it does not work to distract me from the pain and the anxiety, neither when I put on my headphones to listen to some music.

I could almost see the pain sawing in me, sawing me into tiny pieces. As much as I wanted to ignore the nastiness of its victory over me, the pain was real, it was unbearable. I could feel my eyes teary in the darkness of this winter night but no amount of tears could wipe away the agony of being sawed alive in my own mine.

I can barely touch any part of my body without cringing, and I tried holding my breath so that the pain will be less, till I can hardly breathe properly already, and honestly part of me does not want to continue breathing for fear of the pain setting in again.

At this moment, I just want to drift away and fly to the land of no pain.

Lord Help.

Soft Lilac And Baby Brown

2012-01-24T05:50:00.000-08:00

So I got dressed, and ready to leave the two “budak busuk”. I borrowed the dress from my little angel since I don’t have anything nice to wear for a wedding celebration. The dress though a tiny bit small but made me look amazing, and I love the material as well as the color.

Next was the choosing of boots to go with the dress. I have given for recycling two of my boots that I figured were not too comfortable for me anymore due to the situation that I am in now. Therefore, that left me with not too much of a choice, I have shoes but they cannot be worn in the winter.

I put on my S. Oliver boots but they were not matching at all with the dress, so I had to borrow my little angel’s boots, luckily we are of the same shoe size. Once I put on her boots everyone agrees that it was a better match. As I cannot bend or squat, my little angel got to help me with the boots, the right boot went in pretty easy and it was super comfortable. Then we started with the left one, she did not managed to put the boot on for me, so hubby has got to do it. He tried and tried and tried, and I forced and forced my left leg into the boot till it finally settled in. Hooray!!!

However, I noticed that the left boot was a bit tight but it was comfortable and I like the comfortable heel too. Done, so off we go, leaving the two “budak busuk.”

As we were walking, I told hubby that it was really funny how the left boot could be tighter when the sizes were the same. He paused and stood behind me for a while, and pointed out that the boots were actually not even of the same color. I was like “what, you got to be kidding right?” he said “no”. I stopped and looked and looked and looked some more, OMG, he was right.

By this time it was too late to go back and change, but it got me thinking, how could this happened? I mean how can the shop not notice that the boots were two different sizes, two different colors yet in the same box, and how could we (me and my little angel) not notice that too, and to top that she has worn the boots a couple of times.

Can you imagine me at a wedding ceremony, in a nice cute bright orange dress with a black bow and wearing boots that were soft lilac on my left with a size 39 and baby brown color on my right with a size 38.

Beats me……………………. you can only imagine that I was sitting all the time at the wedding, I was too afraid that someone might notice my craziness.

Two "Budak Busuk"

2012-01-24T01:34:00.000-08:00

While were playing dress up and getting ready to attend a wedding celebration, the two “budak busuk” were clearly upset for not being invited, and all of a sudden they became camera shy. They were so funny and we had so much of laughter, wait for the next entry and you will see their turn to laugh at me.

Bask In The Light

2012-01-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

I bask in the light and I take off the mask!!!!!

I Want To Be Right When The Moment Is So Wrong

2012-01-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

The phone rang.

It was her, her voice was as cheery yet hollow with sadness.

Was it feared that I heard, or was it just my mind manipulation?

I don’t know, it is better not to know, I told me.

She was tired; she just wants to talk for a bit.

I could hear the tears, while my own was building up.

How do I say goodbye?

I have done this many a time, but it can only get harder.

I asked her, “will you allow me to clean you, I mean when the time comes?”

Then, I paused and the conversation was on halt.

Shit, what, what, why, why do I ask her that question?

I don’t know, I want to be right when the moment is so wrong.

How do I bid adieu?

Now You know Why Animals Eat Their Young

2012-01-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

Me to CD: come and surprise me la, come give me a massage

CD: but I am playing game

Me: oh, your game is more important than me?

CD: no it is not, but it is more fun

Me: you mean your game is more fun than me?

CD: no, but it is more fun than massaging you

Ummmm………………………………. Now you know why Animals Eat Their Young.

Anyways, she did gave me a massage just to be worried about all the lumps that she discovered further in me, and keep reminding me to go to the doctor again.

Something About Markets

2012-01-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

Something about market that just thrills me all the time. It does not matter where, I love to visit markets more than I like visiting and taking pictures at some old buildings that I have no interest in and will forget as soon as I am out of the said country.

Market is so refreshing and in the present, I don’t believe in living in the past, and old buildings are so in the past. Don’t they say that if you keep visiting the past, you will miss the future?

Big Fat Nasty Maggoty Flies

2012-01-20T00:43:00.000-08:00

People talk, they like to think that they know what I am suffering from; they assume they know, what the heck? Can they just let me be already, leave me alone and yeah get lost.

People’s attitude sucks good time, I don’t like it that when they read my blog and start bullshitting in their comments, it would be appreciated if you can ride on my blog and drop off without leaving a trail. Thank you.

I have enough stress, and when you tell me that my sickness is all in my head…………., for reals?............ hello!!! It is better if you can hold your fingers from typing any comments on my blog ok, spare me the agony of having to curse you silently, I really don’t like to do that, so buzz off. You are just like those big fat nasty maggoty flies that I wish to smack and splash its stomach of all filth.

You do not live within me or in my head. You will not and never will know what is going on in my heart and my mind. I have that privilege of power, no matter how much you try to bring me down with your words, it will never work. The power of belief is phenomenal within me, and nothing else matters.

Let me tell you that my road ahead is not blocked, I trust I will find a cure and in the almighty Lord my faith remain.

Disgusting KFC

2012-01-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

I Am Able And Willing

2012-01-19T02:42:00.000-08:00

I am able and willing, yes, it is so true when you surrounded yourself with people who make you laugh, you will forget all the pain in your body.

I was picked at random to participate as a contestant in this show. I went on stage thinking that I would have to draw something, and boy was I surprised when I was asked to dance, a belly dance (take that). OMG, little did these people know that I could hardly move my arms and legs because of all the pain that I am suffering from.

It was über funny, in fact it was hilarious. There was a video made on me doing my dance routine, but I am so not going to post it on my blog. By the way I got the loudest applause and therefore, I got the highest post for my belly dancing. Fancy that? woot, woot, woot.

I Am In Love

2012-01-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

If there is any place at all that I could stay till my final moment on earth, this will be it. This will be the paradise on earth that I want to be living in. There will not be enough words for me to describe this place, everything about this place is right, every corner that I took can only lead me to another happy place, not a moment there was I missing anything at all. It was pure relaxing, pure me and the Lord moment.

I am in love.

Sleep

2012-01-18T06:50:00.000-08:00

Sleep

For Others:

Is a form of rest, a routine, a refreshment, a quiet moment for the mind and body or perhaps a hobby.

BUT Psych tells us that:

It is one of the common forms of ESCAPE. Escape from LONELINESS, SADNESS, FRUSTRATIONS, REJECTIONS and from almost any PROBLEMS possible.

So NEXT time a friend frequently sleeps, say “If you need SOMEONE, I’m just here, I’ll listen”

Rather than saying

“Sweet DREAMS”

I Try, AND I Try and I Try

2012-01-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

This One Is For You

2012-01-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

Mama love and miss you so much Alia

But What Is Life?

2012-01-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Pomodoro without fresh parsley

Beautiful parsley in the Autumn

Poor parsley covered by thick snow this morning

It was 4am, I no longer want to sleep, dragging myself to the kitchen I again swallowed another of the magic pill. Back to our dent, I woke hubby up and asked for conjoined (it is our own word for a kiss), he gave me a quick smack and back to sleep. I tried waking him up again, but is to no use. I shall just let him continue with his sleep. There was no moon to watch, everything is being covered with thick snow. It dawned on me how much I don’t like this season, it gets me down, it is such a metabolic depression time, and as much as I am used to it, I simply don’t like it.

After more than an hour of snow watching and anticipation of anxiety, I decided that it is better for me to go to the kitchen and cook something. Yeah, I have this habit of liking something for a period of time and then I will not want to hear of it anymore, and at the moment my craze was for spaghetti pomodoro. Can you imagine that, cooking pomodoro at around 5 something in the morning.

But what is life if you cannot make it exciting and unpredictable, for predictability is the same as being elusive and boring.

I Just Need A Break From Life

2012-01-16T04:13:00.000-08:00

I just need a break from life.

Ladybugs

2012-01-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

It was on a day that the snow was falling fluffy and soft like cotton candy, while the hail was dropping along with it, and the wind was howling like a sick child in pain, and I was mesmerized by the Lord’s creation, so as usual I took my amateur camera to work. I decided to open one of the windows in the living despite the strong cold wind, and guess what a tiny beautiful fragile looking ladybug invited itself to my humble home. The angels and I were excited; simple things in life bring the best out of us.

CD then told us that ladybug is a symbol of good luck, which prompted me to look up the legends behind the myth of ladybugs, and this is what I discovered:

- Nearly ALL cultures believe that a Ladybug is lucky.

- Killing one is said to bring sadness and misfortune.

- In France, if a Ladybug landed on you, whatever ailment you had would fly away with the Ladybug.

- If a Ladybug is held in the hand while making a wish, the direction that it flies away to shows where your luck will come from.

- If the spots on the wings of a Ladybug are more than seven, it's a sign of coming famine. If less than seven, it means you will have a good harvest.

- In some Asian cultures, it is believed that the Ladybug understands human language, and has been blessed by God, Himself.

- In Brussels, the black spots on the back of a Ladybug indicate to the person holding it how many children he/she will have.

- During the Pioneer days, if a family found a Ladybug in their log cabin during the winter, it was considered a "Good Omen".

- Folklore suggests if you catch a Ladybug in your home, count the number of spots and that's how many dollars you'll soon find.

- Ladybug teaches us how to restore our faith and trust in Great Spirit. It initiates change where it is needed the most. When ladybug appears it is asking us to get out of our own way and allow Great Spirit to enter.

Whatever it is I love ladybugs because they are simply cute and beautiful, and they are quite rare to be found nowadays. I also believe that ladybugs are truly well-loved in the world especially in Europe, where ladybugs miniatures are being sold as gift to be given in wishing anyone a very happy new year.

I am happy that this cute little lady invited itself into my home in the freezing cold of winter. May you take all my miseries away with you……………. He he he.

I Am A Day Person

2012-01-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

I sleep whenever I have the urge to sleep, because it will not be long before I will be up and awake. I don’t like the night; it is so dark, lonely and eerie. I am a day person; I love the sun, though I love the moon more, I only wish that I could talk to the moon when the sun was shining.
(It is 01:33 now)

Pita Bread

2012-01-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

Hubby took over dinner tonight; it was pita bread with Foul Mudammas and fresh tomatoes. We decided to make the pita bread from scratch; however, since I could not handle the dough kneading, I only supervised the work.

The pita bread turned out pretty well, and we loved it. Sharing with you here some pictures of the process of the bread in making.

I Ask The Moon, How Can I Thank Him Enough?

2012-01-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

I could not sleep last night, everything was so jumbled up. I am in need of immediate medical attention, but how? There was so much pain that I have to endure, if I can describe the pain that I felt last night and most of the days now, was like as though someone is hammering sharp nails into every inch of my body. There were moments that I do not have the desire to go on living.

Since I could not sleep I needed someone to talk to, therefore, hubby become the victim of my sleeplessness in Wien. I woke him up and as usual, in his sweetness of sleepiness, he asked me why I could not sleep. The answer was too familiar to him, so he woke up and kept me company.

I asked him, “Honey, if I am dead and stiff, will you still love me?” he looked at me and said “sayang”. It melts my heart, how could I possibly thank someone enough, someone as wonderful as this creature that has shared nearly a decade of my life.

The moon by the way was so pretty, we sit up and watch the moon, while I started to take some pictures with my so amateur camera. But what is important is that I shared this magical moment with someone who has tolerated all my nonsense, and cry with me when I was blanketed with pain and sadness of the heart.

I ask the moon, how can I thank him enough?

Something Eating and a Cuppa

2012-01-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

My own pomodoro, with a little hot devil to spice it up

Three minute on a toast, perfection.

What is chocolate pudding, but only with love?

It is not the cream caramel but the significant A in my life.

That chocolaty taste with a guilty heap of vanilla ice cream….. Naughty, naughty.

Four cups of addiction still no reading……… failed