This crazy thing called Life

9 Months!

2012-02-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

It's been 9 months!

Nine glorious, joyful, fearful, uncertain, wonderful, sleepless, worrisome....

Well, you get the picture. :)

This month, she broke the 14lb mark! Woo Hoo!! A baby that started out at 1lb 11oz, has now made it to 14 big girl pounds! This mornings weigh in was 14lb 3.5oz.

Daddy took us out for Valentines Day, (to avoid the crowds) and said Marlo was a perfect date. :) She jabbered and smiled and enjoyed a little delicious fresh tortilla from our favorite restaurant (Chuy's, Yummy) What a delight she was today!

She has us wrapped around her little fingers. So much fun!

Happy Bath Time

John Carter

2012-02-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

When I heard the latest Disney movie was going to be named, John Carter, I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

John Carter, of all names.

We are still grieving him. There are days that we have a desperate feeling of despair. Then there are other days we feel ready to face another day. Still, though, our hearts are broken for the loss we have endured. It will remain engrained in every fiber of our being as a day and time we wish we could go back, to change the sequence of events that took place that dreadful week. It has changed us, some days not for the better, thankfully not every day though.

We walk through life now, different, and sometimes unrecognizable versions of who we use to be, very much longing for the days where there were only tiny little bumps in the road, instead of these Ginormous pot holes that have taken chunks out of the perfectly happy family we all had envisioned.

Every day, month and year holds different feelings about what we've been through.

A little boy named John Carter...A little boy who showed us how to love, hope, and keep living when things didn't follow the plan we had made. A little boy who holds a special piece of each of our hearts, and is so dearly missed.

The hardest thing to grasp sometimes in loss, is that we really don't have the control over life that we thought we had. After enduring these losses of the last two years, I look around and see very few families who aren't going through very tough times.

When did life become this way?

When did the norm become families hurting and having horrific things happen to them?

So much pain.

Recently, a bloggie friend of mine, endured the loss of her father this past week, after he was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas. It happened so quickly. All this after losing her son to Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome less than 2 years ago. Like us, she has had the privilege of welcoming a new baby to the family after the heartache of losing a son. Like us, she has been through more than anyone could possibly imagine.
My heart is heavy for her.

I hear stories everyday of people hurting and not knowing how to get through it. Let me tell you, I don't have the answers, because I am learning as I wade through the deep murky waters myself. One thing I do know, is faith and hope get me through...and the prayers of you all as you walk this journey with us.

Those prayers carry us when we are at our weakest. So, with that said, please pray for my dear friend as they grieve a father and a tiny son gone too soon. And the next time you see a commercial for the latest Disney movie John Carter...please say a little prayer for us.

I pray that our prayers will leave a mark on the families around us, and lift us up out of the pits we so frequently fall in.

That is my hope.

John Carter, the day he was born.

Sittin Pretty!

2012-01-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

Marlo the Magnificent has decided she can sit up now. As in, on her OWN!!! In a week and a half she will be 6 months adjusted, and 9 months actual. It's amazing that she is right on track and even ahead with these important milestones. :) We are very proud of her achievements. Such a Big Girl!!

She weighs 13lbs 10.5oz, eats just about anything we give her...except green stuff. :) Actually she wants to eat what's on my plate at dinner. She reminds me of Alli when she was a baby. Screaming for my food. Brings back so many fun memories.

She is a handful, keeping me hopping. All. Day. Long. She doesn't nap well, and stopped sleeping through the night. We are hopeful she is getting back to a better sleeping pattern at night. It's just a phase, or at least that's what we hope. Haha, the joke could be on us I suppose.

I am so thankful for how well she is doing. What a blessing. :)

Oh how I love that sweet little face. Drippy drool and all!

Marlo Didn't Get The Memo

2012-01-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

I'm going to lose my mind. Oh, wait that is so last year! I already did that!!!

She is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo grouchy for half the day. Add to that, she won't eat well the first half of the day, and that adds to the grumpiness. Around 3-4pm thing change and she starts to eat and not be so irritable. She has also stopped sleeping through the night and makes up for her lack of morning eating by sucking bottles down in less than 5 minutes around 3am.

I don't know what happened to my happy all the time little girl. I hope she goes back to her happy little self soon. I really can't get anything done all day long. She won't nap well either. It's 30 mins here and 15 mins there....

It's a good thing she is so stinking cute! :) I'm exhausted! Marlo is sitting pretty. Click here to see!

Hey Mom!???!

2012-01-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's what I hear every single time I set foot in the bathroom. EVERY time!!

How can it be that the only time the kids think they need me, I am in the bathroom. Without fail, each one of them hollers for me just about as soon as I enter the room.

Kid 1: "Mom?"

Mom: "I'm going to the bathroom"

(not 2 seconds later)

Kid 2: "Mom?"

Mom: "In the bathroom"

(another 2 seconds go by)

Kid 3: "Hey Mom, can I come in?"

Mom: "Seriously, did your brother and sister not tell you I was in the bathroom when you passed them 2 seconds ago, when they asked the very same question???"

Kid 3: "Why are you always in the bathroom when I want to talk to you?"

Mom: "Why do you only want to talk to me when I am in the bathroom?" Hahah!!

All this is happening while Kid 4 is crying at the top of her lungs.

Ah, motherhood!

Hey, Mom....Remember when we all did this to you??? :)

Take a Deep Breath?

2012-01-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

I say it all the time, and I hear it all the time. In the NICU this was said to me on a daily basis, by one of Marlos' nurses.

Take a deep breath....

Yeah right! When? When have I had a moment in the last two years to sit back, relax and take a deep breath. It's as if I walk around ready for the next battle, because as we have learned, something is lurking around the corner. I feel it, the tension and the stress; It's in the uncertainty that is all around me. Someone so sure of herself, her next move, what to expect and what was coming. It's all out the window. I am sure of nothing, I don't know what to expect, and sometimes I am scared about what could be around the next corner.

Why would anyone ever feel this way? If you know me and our story you know why. The day that changed it all, took my breath away. Since that day, we've fought for every breath.

Slowly, but surely, we are starting to breathe a little deeper every day. A real deep breath though?

Someday. Maybe.

To Remember

2012-01-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

To remember a beautiful boy.

For our precious little Claire.

Hanging from the tree this year were two very special ornaments of remembrance. Each one holds a special place of our heart, and each one is dearly missed.

It was hard for me this year. Harder than last, surprisingly. No little sweet boy to keep touching all the ornaments and out from under the tree and the presents. No little Claire to babble with her sister Marlo. Mostly though, it just felt like a piece of the puzzle was missing. The finishing piece, that perfects the picture.

It may be hard to understand how I could feel sadness when there is so much joy that Marlo is doing so well, but when you consider a child (or two in our case) is missing from the family, a mothers heart will always long for that space to be filled.

We are blessed, beyond what any words could express. For that blessing we are grateful. Each of our children whether here or in Heaven are the best gifts of all. In my flesh I wish we could have all been sitting around the same tree on Christmas morning and while it cannot be so, in my heart they were with me, no matter the circumstances.

Meeting Her Grandpa

2011-12-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

Grandpa flew in from Australia and got to meet Miss Marlo for the first time, EVER!!

Grandpa and Marlo were both tired, but happy to meet each other. It was great to show off a HEALTHY baby girl. So fun!

She has discovered her tongue....

For two days, this is what we saw every time we looked at her. Funny girl. :)

And now a look into those beautiful blue eyes, before we close this short little update.

When Things Get Crazy at Mellowland

When Things Get Crazy

2011-12-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

Who am I kidding, it's not when things get crazy, it's when won't they be crazy.

It would be one thing if we thrived on chaos, but this girl loves for things to be calm. The joke must be on me though, because as you all know, my life this past two years especially, has been unbelievably insane. Just saying that makes me tired.

We've uprooted, and are attempting to replant in the great state of Texas. Lots of changes for a family that has had their fill in the last several years.

We are hopeful that we've rented our home in Cali, it's not completely settled yet, and it will be for less than we need. BUT! If all goes well it will sure beat the alternative. Now we just have to figure out how to make up for the shortage.

Miss Marlo managed to tolerate us and the drive better than I hoped she would. We managed to make the trip with only one major blow out disaster. This was a blow out of gargantuan proportions, and clothes were thrown away. I think she did it so she could get out of the car seat. What a stinker. Literally. :)

The Christmas Tree is up, and the house mostly unpacked....Thanks to my wonderful and very helpful Mom! I couldn't have done this without your help, thank you so much for flying out to help. Wish you could have stayed longer.

Hope to get more settled soon, and will be updating this more. That's the hope anyway.

I need to learn to embrace the crazy.

In the mean time check out the posts:
Marlo Meeting Her Grandpa for the First Time

Miracle Much -- Everyone Needs Some Encouragement and Miracles do Happen!

Miracle Much?

2011-12-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you something amazing!

We happen to be the proud owners to the little gift that keeps on giving. :)

Over and over this week, I have heard the most wonderful things.

Amazing
Perfect
Right on Track
Ahead of Schedule
Wonderful
Beautiful

Last but not least: She is a Miracle.

Yup she is.

One of the worries for a preemie is that they are usually behind in various things up until their second birthday. By that time most preemies have "caught up" and are at the same level as other two year olds. They are usually behind. Behind in things that we wait in anticipation for.

We measure all things in her adjusted age. Every little thing is of great importance. When she started to smile earlier than expected, we couldn't have been more excited. A smile may seem so simple to most, but to a mother, it means more than anything you could possibly imagine. To a preemie, a smile is a pretty big deal. Everything is a pretty big deal.

Her adjusted age as of this week is just a few days shy of 4 months. 4 months past her due date. 7 months past her actual birth date. To get to this point, Marlo has had to overcome mountains far greater than what our imaginations could comprehend. For her to leave the NICU without a single surgical procedure, without any major disability, or infection, is what any would call a miracle. Some might say it is unbelievable, and maybe even impossible. The exception, that's what Marlo is.

Today's findings at the ophthalmologist were excellent. At this time they see no reason for her to need glasses.
Miracle!

On target and even ahead in many, many areas of her development, Marlo keeps chugging along and blowing those milestones out of the water. She is ahead for her adjusted age, in most areas, and right on track in others.

Hello....MIRACLE!!

She is on the growth chart without having to be adjusted to her due date age!!! Um, if you know anything about my kiddo's, you know that getting them above the 5th percentile doesn't happen until well after they hit 5 years old! Marlo is on the growth chart, and not just in the single digits for her length and head growth, before adjusting. Huge! With a sharp increase in her weight since her last appointment, she shows a steep incline ahead of the growth curve for her weight. At nearly 4 months old, she is 11 lbs 6 oz. and 24 inches That is big for my little stinkers!

Another Miraculous Miracle of gargantuan proportions!

She is a Miracle. There is no other way to look at it. We thank God for that. She brings healing and wonder into our home. She is Joy.

Her big girl seat!

Helping Daddy with the bottle

Sweetly Sleeping

We have so much to be thankful for this year. We asked for a miracle. She is so much more than we could have imagined.

We have far to go still, but, we are making waves and breaking barriers left and right. Praying for many, many more.

You might be interested in this recent post about Full Plates.

A Full Plate

2011-11-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

When I think of Thanksgiving, I think of a very full plate. We always over indulge. Always.
Just when we start to feel like we can take a breath without feeling like we will toss our cookies, we stuff more in. They say the average weight gain between Halloween and New Years is 15-25lbs!!! Holy Moly! That's a whole lotta pigging out!

On my list of to do's today:

Prep for the feast. Baking pies and more or less getting everything ready that can be done to make tomorrow an easy day.

When I think about life in general, I also think of a very full plate.

Nothing is being done well, with so much to be done. Actually, I take that back. I think Marlo is the only one around here getting full attention and care. She kinda demands it. :)

We have a lot going on, and we are overwhelmed. Just when we think we have things figured out, it gets hairy, again.

Our plates are full, and there is much to do. I am once again at a place where I realize that it won't get done well if I can't duplicate myself by, hmm, lets say, 20 times! Until then, I am left with too much to do, and not enough time to do it. Kids that are struggling and a Mom and Dad at their wits end, equals not a pretty combination.

We don't need chaos, we need calm.

One can hope, right? It's what we need, quickly.

Anyone have any sanity to spare this Holiday season...This Mama could definitely use it. :)

Crazy stuff going on around here. Will fill you in on the details, when I have a moment to catch my breath.

In the mean time...

Enjoy your Thanksgiving and all that extra weight you will surely be carrying around.

If we are what we eat, I would be a pumpkin pie. Yum!
Week of Milestones for Marlo - Cick Here.

A Week of Milestones

2011-11-13T09:36:00.000-08:00

Big week for Marlo!!!

In my post earlier in the week, I mentioned it was a week of importance for several reasons. I touched on just a couple of things, but saved the biggest for this post. :)

Monday marked Marlo's 6 month of life outside the womb! Holy Cow! Six Months, already? That is so amazing to me. I cannot believe we have come to this time, and I can't really remember how I got here. It's been a bit of a blur. The days have zoomed by leaving me in a state of shock that it's NOVEMBER. I am so far behind in the things I normally have accomplished by now, (like Christmas shopping) I feel a little overwhelmed by it.

We started the week off with a photo shoot, (some of which I shared in a previous post.) and an uncooperative Marlo. I could not put her down long enough to snap any pictures without her screaming. She is a very happy baby 99.99% of time, but that .01% reared it's ugly head on Sunday. :) We were able to get a couple sweet pictures of her, in between her cries for cuddles.

She rolled over this week! Okay, she was on my bed, so I don't know if it actually counts? She was on her tummy and pushed up and rolled to her side. I think I will count it. It's a pretty big deal!

Now I've saved the BEST for last:

Miss Marlo was officially outside of my womb as long as she was inside, this past Wednesday.
26 weeks and 5 days! Miraculous? Yes! Truly a Miracle to thank God for! We are so blessed and thankful for her.

Look at this!

Two days old. Less than 1 pound 11 ounces!

26 weeks since being born: 10 pounds 6 ounces!

My heart is so full. She has brought more healing than I could have ever imagined. Thank you, Lord for this precious little gift. We are forever grateful.

Big week indeed!

My Beautiful Family

2011-11-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

We would like to thank Linea Broadus with Broadus Photography for capturing these beautiful photos of our family. She was with us to take Johnny's pictures the day he was born. Something we treasure more than words could express are the pictures from that day. Today we have new treasured pictures that capture so much joy. We could not thank you enough.

Oh The Messes We Make

2011-11-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

And by we, I mean she. :) We just happen to be attached at the hip, so whatever she does ends up on me.

I was just sitting here admiring her sweet little face, when without warning she launches a big ole spit up in my general direction. She still manages to smile even after stomach acid and milk shoot threw her mouth. The thought of that makes me want to gag...

I thought we were good as I got that mess cleaned up. So, back to admiring and smiling while she jabbered away sitting on my lap.

Suddenly a very warm feeling on my right side took me by surprise. Nice. The diaper leaked out the side.

All. Over. Me. At least it was warm, right??? :) Mess number two. The day is just getting started. Can't wait for the next mess.

Yesterday was a big day for Marlo, for many reasons. One, she was 13 weeks adjusted (the weeks past her due date is her adjusted age) and two, she had her first RSV shot. That one broke this mama's heart. She was sweetly and quietly sleeping, until that mean ole nurse stuck a pokey needle in her chubby little leg. Enter broken heart sad face and the saddest cry accompanied by great big crocodile tears. (And that was just her mom and dad) We did cry with her. It was heart wrenching. She will need to have this shot once a month through cold and flu season. Preemies are susceptible to so many more viruses since their immune systems aren't mature. That is the reason for keeping her out of crowded, closed in places and away from people who are sick. What it really does is make for very paranoid, germ Nazi parents. Everyone in our path is considered a lethal threat. Don't even think about sneezing or coughing in our breathing space. You Will get the stink eye.

Marlo has started to hold her bottle. This is great to see her doing, but, at the same time, it makes me a little sad. She is developing properly for a 13 week old baby, so it's a victory. It's a moment of anxiety for me though as I want her to stay dependent on me for her needs. I'm not ready for her to hold her own bottle. That is my job, and I happen to love it. :)

Note to self: Get wet leaky diaper off baby immediately after first leak. Second leak will not be far behind. (as in less than 5 mins) Good grief. :) There we have mess 3. Not so sure I like these diapers. Click HERE for an exciting UPDATE on Marlo's progress!

Love this precious baby girl.

A Few of My Latest Favs

2011-10-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

What an AWESOME big Brother!

Yup, always cute no matter the pose.

How to make pumpkin guts look cool!

Beautiful Emma, and Cutie Pie Marlo

All my kids. Yes that includes the big one too. :)

That twinkle in his eye. Love

How Moo You Do?

2011-10-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

The cutest little cow I have ever seen! Can you say Moo?? Marlo spent her first Halloween at home with Mommy, handing out candy. At 12 weeks adjusted, she is weighing in at 9lbs 14oz. Smiling, starting to jabber and learning how to get her way by being slightly demanding, (in an adorable way of course) are her daily to do's. We are enjoying her and her silliness. A true joy!

It's a blur

2011-10-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

I'm finding it hard to believe it's been a week and a half since my last post. My excuse... In a word: Marlo. She is so much much work, but so much worth it! :)

One day we feel like we are making head way and the next, we feel like we've taken a few steps backward. Most of the time we are neutral. She has struggles with eating sometimes, and while it is better, there is still tremendous room for improvement. To add to the frustration, her reflux is bad. We have to hold her upright for about an hour after she eats so she can keep her food down. This is the hardest at night, when we are exhausted. Although, it makes for not getting much done during the day as well. It's just time consuming.

The days are moving along with haste. I am amazed at what a blur it seems.

We are taking it all in. Enjoying every single moment. There is restored JOY in this house. What a blessing. We are so very thankful.

Hoping to be more consistent with frequent updates...

We shall see!

Hanging Out

2011-10-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

Lately, we've been hanging out around the house with a special addition to the house. Daddy!! :)

Daddy has been a great help this week, and I have been able to sleep a little more. Also helping in the sleep department goes a well deserved shout out to Aunt Jill for sending us a couple Swaddle Me blankets. Hello!! Where were these when my big kids were babies!?! Seriously, they have helped calm her enough that she is able to feel safe and relaxed, so she can sleep. Thank you so much Aunt Jill!! She like most babies gets startled easily, but it seems even more so than most newborns...as in every few seconds, arms and legs are flying up in the air and a scared awake expression on her sweet little face. These blankets make her look as if she is in a straight jacket, happily though.

Every day still holds something different. One day you think she's got this eating down, and the next she gasps and spits and carries on. It's frustrating sometimes.

We have been pretty busy all around. The big kids and their schooling, Marlo stuff, cleaning, washing, running here and there. It's good, busy, and everyone seems to be happy. Good times!

Marlo and her fun bouncy seat

Snuggle time with Papa

Best Buddies

She is getting big. 9lbs 2oz. Jumped up to size 1 diapers today. Newborn clothes still fit, but not for many more days. I've exhausted my frozen milk supply from the freezer....this makes me sad. She has a little trouble with milk protein sensitivity and the formula that seems to be fine for her is super expensive. $35.00 a container. Yikes.

All in all, things are going well, and we are enjoying our hang out time.

To be perfectly honest

2011-10-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, folks. This lack of posting stuff, stems from one simple thing. I am more exhausted than even I could ever imagine. My time is spent on sweet Marlo. She eats often, and then must be held upright for about an hour after eating. She has reflux. UGH...

So, by the time she is fed, and held to keep what went in, where it belongs. I have about an hour in between to do all the other things that are required of a mother. Oh, and then there is sleep. Which sometimes happens and sometimes not.

All in all though, things are going well. Marlo is growing, and is a pretty happy baby. Most of the time anyway. Today she was a cranky booty.

She is 8 weeks past her due date, and smiles like crazy. She is starting to coo, which of course is super cute. She's a wiggle worm, and still loves to cuddle. All eyes are always on Marlo. So very loved!

Interestingly, Marlo is not eating what the NICU would have wanted her to eat for her weight. She does sometimes, and then at other times she doesn't. It's of great interest though, that she continues to gain weight in spite of this. Hmmmmmmmmm.....Go figure. :)

This evening she weighed 8lbs 14oz.

Other than being exhausted, my heart is full. The kids are all smiling, and our sweet baby is home. A little extra sleep would be the icing on the cake. Looking very forward to this weekend when Daddy gets to come home and be with us, at long last. Oh, Happy Day! This will be most excellent!

Will post some pictures soon. Now, I must sleep. The countdown to the next feeding has begun.

Picture Perfect

2011-09-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

This is my attempt at playing with the camera and a photo shop program to capture some precious moments with my Miss Marlo. She was a good sport. These are just some of the shots I have played with in the photo program.

Enjoy! She is a doll!

19 weeks

2011-09-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

19 weeks old! 8lb 0.5oz! This is how I rock my 8 pounds while I sleep. :)

Striking a Pose!

She is doing well. Keeping Mommy hoppin, and exhausted. A Happy Baby, and a Happy Mommy!

My Big Day

2011-09-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

Miss Annette was my favorite nurse. She took very good care of me while I was held hostage in the NICU. 17 weeks to be exact! See that look I am giving her? I was skeptical of what she was saying. She said I could go HOME, and was telling me goodbye. I wasn't sure what home was, but it must have been pretty wonderful from the big deal that was being made this day. I love Miss Annette, and could tell she loved me. I think that's why I did so well while I waited for this thing called HOME.

Anyway, back to my story!

Mom got me all dressed up, and put me in the car seat. I had met the car seat just an hour before I got to leave. They strapped me in it and told me I had to pass a test. I did what I do best when it's time to pass a test...I fell asleep. An hour and a half later, I woke up and they told me I passed (of course I did) yet another one of their tests. So, this is me getting in the seat to leave the NICU for the first time ever! My second meeting with the car seat was much more adventurous than the first!


Waving Goodbye to the NICU

Do you know what I did after that? I went OUTSIDE, for the first time EVER! It was dark, so I didn't see anything. It sure was hot and there were sounds I had never heard before. That was when Mommy got Daddy on the phone and told him we were on our way home! Mama posted a couple pictures of me getting in the car while we talked to Dad, in the last post. :)

This is what I did in the car.


I was so excited, I fell asleep! Again!

My big sister sat in the back with me on the way home. She turned on a light and stared at me the whole time. Mama said she had to, in case I tried to pull any funny stuff. She thinks I do that sometimes. I just do it to keep her on her toes. I liked the car ride, and behaved myself the whole time!

Then came the excitement! When the car stopped, the real party began.

Ha! Look at me sleeping through the party!

This me, on the table in the kitchen, sleeping! I do this quite a lot. Do you see those smiles? I have no idea what all the fuss is about. Everyone was pretty happy I was home. Including a little yappy fella called, the dog.


Mama even has a big smile on her face, and look my eyes are open!

Before we could do anything else: It was time to eat. I'm on a schedule, you know. Then it was back to business. I got to check out the house a little more.

I hope I didn't miss anything important, because as you see, I did it again! Oops, I fell asleep!

I guess if you're going to do something well, then give it your all! Sleeping on Mama's bed. This was really nice!

As soon as Mommy put me in my bed, look what happened! I woke up!!! It's a miracle! See that silly hose in my nose?

I don't like the hose in my nose. Not one bit! So, I did what any intelligent person would do.

When Mama wasn't looking and the lights were out, I pulled it out! Don't be judging! You know you would do it too!

I'd say home is a very good place. It was worth the wait. I love having Mommy all to myself, anytime I want her, which is all the time. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have waited so long. Mommy was right, Home is a wonderful place. I LOVE it!

The Long Awaited Day!

2011-09-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Monday morning: Just like every other morning before, I called to get a progress report on Miss Marlo. The day before we had started letting her decide when and how much to eat, so this report was of utmost importance. The news was not what I wanted to hear. She "only" nippled 91%. Hello! Only? That was fantastic in my opinion, but not good enough for the attending physician making rounds that morning. We were back to eating every 3 hours and they ADDED to the amount she had to take. I was in tears, out of sheer frustration.

I pulled myself together and headed to the hospital on a mission. I needed to talk to the Doctor.

Monday Afternoon: As I sat holding my sweet girl, I was overwhelmed with tears. She was exactly 4 weeks past her due date that day. I couldn't help but think how about how tiny she was when she came so soon, just 17 weeks before. She laid on my chest a 7lb 2oz healthy baby that morning, one that was still in the hospital...because she wasn't eating enough. She had lost 6 grams that day, which is 0.212 of an ounce. Not much of a loss. She had stooled that morning, a LARGE one, that she had held onto for 4 days. Considering that, such a small loss of weight seemed of no worry to me.

When the Doctor made it in so we could talk, she asked me how I was doing. More tears. What a bawl baby. I am a hold yourself together kind of girl. Just not on Monday. I had hit a wall. The kids school was supposed to be starting this week, and I wasn't ready. The grades hadn't even been turned in from the end of last school year. My priorities had been on Marlo, and just getting through each day. 17 weeks of Marlo in the hospital, 2 weeks before that of me being in the hospital, and lets not forget the bed rest I was on for weeks on end before all this transpired. It had taken it's toll. My whole family needs me home, and it was feeling so endless. I know it wouldn't have been, but every day was becoming more and more difficult as new obstacles arose. I voiced some of my concerns to the Doctor.

My ending thought with her was this: Could she come home with the NG tube, since we have home health care benefits? I knew they didn't like to do this, especially this hospital, but I also knew it's not a definite "No". Her reaction surprised me. She had no problem with the suggestion. Our only problem was, she was only on for one more day before the attending doctors changed over. She told me she would talk to the incoming Doctor and we would see what we could do. I was happy she heard me, and happy she would pass on the information, but skeptical that anything would come of it.

20 minutes later: She was back, (the doctor) and called the nurse (our primary, thankfully) into the hall.

"Oh, Marsha." I heard from the hallway. "Do you want to go home today?"

Holy tear fest, batman!! I couldn't control the sobs, to the point where they wondered if I didn't want to go home. Oh no, that was quite the opposite. I couldn't believe those words! My heart was soaring, and my mind was racing. There was so much to do, and there was just one me to do it.

Marlo still had to pass a car seat test. UGH, we were back to the car seat dilemma. I had to run home to get one. On my way home, I called the kids and asked them to disinfect the house, and clean everything from top to bottom. I was relying on my teenage children to do something I only trust myself to do, and it didn't bother me one bit!

I called and woke my dear hubby from his slumber as he is away in a foreign country, to deliver the long awaited news. Such wonderful news to be greeted with after being woke up. We both cried together.

A whirlwind of a day. Had to buy her an outfit to come home in, and decided to complicate my life by making the decision to buy a new car seat. Couldn't bring myself to use either one in the garage. Had my oldest come with me to help out with the journey home, thankful I wasn't on my own with this endeavor.

Ready to go home after passing the big test!

Finally, in the car on on our way home, talking to Daddy on the phone

Monday Evening 8:30: On our way home! We said goodbye to our wonderful primary nurse earlier, and got our gear together....and Marlo left the hospital after 17 weeks, on the third floor. What an amazing feeling.

Exactly 4 weeks past her due date. A precious miracle, so full of life, finally able to go home.

To be continued....

On Our Way!

2011-09-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

Friday was the real turning point. I was greeted with the news that Marlo had nippled two full feedings in a row. It's unheard of for her, so naturally we were elated! Skeptical that the next feedings would go so well, we approached the next feeding with little expectation.

Much to my surprise, she took the entire bottle once again. And the next one, and then the next one!!! It was a miracle. I started to believe the talk of the switch. :) The remainder of the night went well, and her percentage of feedings taken by nippling was at a whopping 85% for the day.

Yesterday, she did well, but was a little tired from all the effort of the day before. She still did a total of 82%. Complete surprise!!!

Today, we are trying something a little different. We are letting her eat when she is hungry, and take as much as she wants, not forcing anything more down the NG tube. She was waking up and eating when she felt like it today. They are letting her try it out for 24 hours. So far so good for the day. At 6am she took 65, 8:45 it was 25, and hour and a half later, 40, an hour later 40, and then about 3 hours later 70(cc's). When I left at 6 she had nippled all by her little self, all but 25cc's of the amount that they had been wanting her to take the day before for that shift. That is the way to get home!

Unfortunately, the nurse that has her tonight has never worked with her before. She doesn't know her quirks, and there are many. The other trouble is, with ad lib on demand, there is no waking her up to make her eat, no working with her until she takes the entire bottle...and believe me, we work really hard every time (except today for some reason) to get her to take as much as possible. It makes me feel nervous. I don't want there to be any reason for them to say it didn't work. I want her to win, and get home! I am praying that the 24 hour trial turns into, taking the NG tube out of her nose, and coming home in a few days. I've learned to be patient, but I do believe Marlo is capable of this. If only they would just give her a chance.

Today she sucked the bottles down without effort. 70cc's in 15 minutes! That is unheard of for Marlo. We have turned a corner. It's a miracle!

Last night she weighed in at 7lbs 2.85oz. She looks really good!

Here she is after downing that 70cc bottle in 15 minutes. She wore her cute little self out! Ah, there is light at the end of the tunnel!!!

After 17 weeks, I should hope so!

A Battle that Rages

2011-09-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

It shouldn't be a big deal, but, it is. I keep telling myself, it's just a car seat, and to get over it, but, I can't.

This past year and a half we have faced mountains and walked through valleys, with faith that we would make it to the top, and out the other side. I believe that is happening, but, not without some hiccups along the way.

Sometimes it's little things, and sometimes not. This time it's trivial, and shouldn't be a big deal. In my head though, all I can do is associate one thing with another. Wish I could cut it out.

This is all over a car seat.

As most of you know, last April we welcomed our long awaited baby boy, Johnny, to our family. Only to lose him when he was 8 days old. Everything was ready for him, the nursery, the car, the entire house, and his big sisters and brother. We were eagerly awaiting bringing him home.

When he passed away, I left the nursery as it was, clothes still hanging in the closet, blankets still in his crib for quite some time. The one thing we packed up and put away, was his car seat. We covered it and set it on top of some boxes in the garage.

When the time came for us to think about buying another car seat, since we were expecting twins, I struggled a little with what to do. I settled on buying the same type of seat, but different color, so our girls would have their own designated seat. I fought with myself over which baby would use Johnny's seat, never able to settle on how I would choose.

Now that we will be bringing home just one sweet little baby, and not the two we planned for, I find myself in turmoil over a silly car seat. Which one do I use? The one that our son sat in just a couple times, or the one in a box sitting unused, and meant for one of our twin daughters? I ask myself over and over what the big deal is. I don't know what it really is. I do know how I feel right now. I feel sad that my son isn't here, and that he didn't get the use out of that seat that we hoped for. I know the other seat that sits empty represents a baby that didn't get to come home, and went straight into heavens arms. I know that my beautiful daughter sits getting stronger and closer to coming home every minute, and all I want is to think about is her, and not the other things that bring me sadness, when I think about her homecoming.

I am associating these feeling over a silly car seat. My practical side says, suck it up and use one of the two seats sitting in the garage. My emotional side says, just start over and get a new one, meant just for Marlo. My cheapskate side says, what in the world are you thinking, buying another car seat.

This all started because Miss Marlo has to pass a car seat test before she comes home. So I have to pick one to take so she can take this test. Which do I pick?

I am thrilled to be Marlo's Mommy. I am thrilled to be planning her homecoming that is coming so very soon. I am thrilled that she is doing so well.

I no longer want to focus on a car seat. Just Marlo. That's all. She is my joy, as are all my children. I can't wait to bring her home, when she is ready of course.

I feel better getting that off my chest. It's baby steps forward sometimes. I am not a fan of how some of these things rage within us, and how it makes us feel. I never know what it might be from one day to the next.

What a year. Life truly is crazy. I am blessed, my family is blessed, and we are thankful for so many things. You all are included in that. Thank you so much for praying for us continuously as we have walked this journey. We are stronger because of that prayer and support.

Keep praying for Marlo. We are so close, I can taste it. Will update you all later on her progress. It's been good, and I have much to share. :)