Last week: Homemade Scented Purex Softening Laundry Crystals

Yes, you read that right.

A fabric softener that also cleans your windows and mirrors to a sparkly shine!

This is also the first house hack that makes use of our super duper secret ingredient. Ready for this? Here it is:

Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing!

[waits a minute for the shock to wear off]

The recipe for the cleaning solution:

• 2-4 c white vinegar
• 5-10 drops Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing

To use:

• Add 1/2-1 c mixture to laundry load in fabric softener drawer, or to rinse cycle, instead of fabric softener liquid or sheets
  OR
• spray on window or mirror instead of Windex or similar, wipe with microfiber cloth or newspaper to sparkly, streak-free shine
• For added fabric fluffy-ness, don’t forget to toss some tennis balls or felted dryer balls into the dryer with each load!

What vinegar does to laundry

Adding 1/2-1 c vinegar to each load of laundry instead of your traditional fabric softener will:

• brighten and deodorize fabrics
• eliminate static
• remove residues left by other detergents and softeners
• make towels extra fluffy and absorbent
• soften clothes, especially in tandem with Homemade Purex Softening Crystals

Not to mention, it’s WAY cheaper than using multiple other products to achieve the same results. And it’s covered by food stamps.

Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing is not covered, but it is inexpensive and more readily available than you think. Most stores that sell laundry supplies and cleaners will carry it, like Walmart, Target, even some dollar stores and CVS. Or, you can be awesome and just get it here and support this blog while having it shipped right to your door like the 21st-century, tech-savvy person you really are! *wink wink*

How bluing works

From the Mrs. Stewart’s website:

Because blue-white is the most intense white, most artists, when painting a snow scene, will use blue color to intensify the whiteness. As color experts would explain it, the proof comes when two pieces of fabric are placed under a spectrograph – the one with blue added will reflect more light, making the fabric appear its whitest.

In their original state, white fabrics are far from white. Unbleached cotton fabrics, known to the trade as “greige (grey) goods”, are grey or yellow tinged. Raw wool is, too – even from the whitest fleece….To make white goods acceptable to their customers, manufacturers of sheets, towels, linens, etc., put their fabrics through a process of bluing. So also do the makers of shirts and other white apparel.

Sometimes a mild bleach is used to help remove the stains. If all this is thoroughly done, the fabric is clean, but it is not “snow-white”. To counteract the rest of the yellow, blue must be added. A little diluted bluing in the washing process or in the last rinse water adds the necessary tint that makes the fabric really snow-white. Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing allows the consumer to re-blue their items at home.

Basically, bluing is made of a very fine blue iron powder suspended in water ( a “colloidal suspension”).

Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing is nontoxic, biodegradable, non-hazardous and environmentally friendly.

Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing is a simple, concentrated blue liquid that optically whitens white fabric. It does not remove stains, does not “clean”, but adds a microscopic blue particle to white fabric which [gives] fabric that “just bought” whiteness.

To sum up:

Because of the effect of the blue/bluing particles reflecting additional light, adding a little to your window/mirror cleaner will make those glass surfaces sparkle as well. [Presumably this is why Windex, and so many fabric softeners, are blue.]

Of course that sparkly, blue-y goodness are purely cosmetic. So since they’re not essential for cleanliness, you can totally leave out the bluing if your budget is just too tight. [Which I totally understand, I’ve been there. Recently. So no judgement here.]

For those of you who are still reading, consider this line a hint that this recipe will appear again in a coming week! Can you guess which one?

Still to come:

• Laundry Detergent, Liquid & Powdered – Brightens & Whitens WITHOUT Borax!
• Mirror/Window Cleaner-&-Fabric Softener-In-One… WHAAAT!?
• Powdered Better-Than-OxiClean Stain Fighting Laundry Booster [No Liquid Peroxide]
• Homemade Washing Soda
• Homemade Scented Purex Laundry Crystals
• Dishwasher Detergent & Homemade Finish® Rinse [No Castile Soap]
• Homemade LemiShine Dishwashing Booster
• Hand Washing Dish Soap That Actually Works – No Residue!
• Hand Soap [NON-Antibacterial]
• Sanitizing Floor Cleaner, Reusable Mop Pads & A Swiffer Wet-Jet Hack
• Cleaning “Stink-B-Gone” Toilet Fizzies
• Homemade Clinging Toilet Bowl Cleaner
• Lemon Dusting Spray & Reusable Cloths
• Coconut Milk Shampoo & Conditioner [No Castile Soap, ACV or Baking Soda Here!]
• Bonus week: How I Went Paper-Less & Saved Over $70 Per Month!

Next time: Powdered Better-Than-OxiClean Stain Fighting Laundry Booster [No Liquid Peroxide]

If you want to start from the beginning of the series, you totally can! Just click here. Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe – wouldn’t want to miss the rest of the series, would you? *wink wink* Thanks for reading!

Out of curiosity – are you, dear reader, among those who did not think this blog would live to see 100 posts? I know at least part of me was. It’s pretty crazy to think that it’s lived this long… so, happy 100 posts, everybody!

[throws confetti]

Whoo.

Now that that’s out of the way, since it’s customary to do something special as part of the celebratings, I’m going to release the first chapter of my book [remember this ole’ thing from way back then?] to anybody who would like it, just cuz I’m feeling generous today. And I really need more eyeballs on this thing.

The whole shtick of the book, and of this blog, is how to make people’s lives [starting with mine] simpler, less stressful and more wholesome. For me, breakfast is always a source of stress and difficulty, from what to make, right down to remembering to make it. This probably stems from being decidedly not a morning person. My hope is that there will be several of you who read this chapter, and decide that it was either so helpful – or so problematic – that you just have to leave a comment or send me an email letting me know exactly how it affected you.

Anyway, here it is

Seriously, let me know what you think of the first chapter in the comments, the good, the… parts I could improve. Eherm. I’m sure there will be plenty for everybody to have a turn pointing “fix-it” spots out

Happy 100 posts! [raises imaginary glass] And to 100 more!

Last week: Homemade Washing Soda

This week’s homemade trick is inspired by a post by the good lady Karrie over at HappyMoneySaver.com. The recipe, if you can call it that, feels almost unfair in its simplicity – just two ingredients, one of which you can probably get away without:

• Epsom/kosher or rock salt
• Essential oils [or extracts from baking section – more on that later]

[For those of you who can’t wait, the ratio is 15-20 drops per 1 c salts. You may use less if you find the scent too strong – I, however, like nice pungent socks! Wait, that didn’t come out right… anyway, use 2 Tbsp per load. 4 c salts will make 32 loads’ worth of crystals.]

Originally I thought that Purex crystals also had fabric-softening properties, but apparently they discontinued that and now it’s just a “laundry booster,” whatever that means. The original stuff had sodium chloride [table salt] in it as the softener, but the latest ingredient list does not include salt of any kind. Incidentally it does contain table *sugar* though… not sure what that’s about. But I don’t think it’s used for softening purposes, in any case. According to this page on the EWG site, basically all that stuff does now is make it smelly and… that’s it. All the other stuff is to get the smell from the bottle onto the clothes, with fillers, colors, moisture-absorbers and, randomly, sugar. But it just smells so darn GOOD!

But more important to me is softening, so back to the salts we go.

Karrie’s recipe calls for epsom salts and essential oils – which are awesome, make no mistake. They work amazingly; the epsom salts have a softening effect, and the essential oils double as aromatherapy and antibacterial/whatever amazing benefit your selection offers. [My current favorites are rose, jasmine, lemon, and lavender.] Plus, epsom salts are frequently MUCH cheaper than kosher or rock salt.

BUT. For those of us who are relegated to food stamps, however, neither of those ingredients are covered so we need alternatives. Fortunately kosher/course salt works great instead of the epsom salts, and is totally FS-friendly. In addition, the blogosphere claims that it will also stop fabric dyes from bleeding/fading, particularly blue jeans.

As for proper essential oils, there we are out of luck. Admittedly we can leave these out and just stick with the salt, but then we’d be left with just plain old, smells-like-water laundry. And who wants that? Amiright?

SO. What to do.

I’ve seen some people on these interwebs that claim you can use baking extracts in place of essential oils, especially if the extracts don’t contain sugar or anything sticky-like. They also might not have as many of the health benefits as pure essential oils, since it’s probably been diluted with a carrier oil or some other oil, but you can still enjoy the nice fresh scent you love.

To “assemble” your crystals, if you’re using oils:

• Big lidded container.
• Large bowl, if the container doesn’t have a wide mouth.
• Salts and oils.
• Large bowl >> 4 c salts, 60-80 drops of oils.[For me, that’s 30 rose, 25 lemon, 25 lavender.]
• Stir until mixed thoroughly.
• Store in lidded container.
• Use 2 Tbsp, or 1/8 c per load.

4 c = 32 loads, more if you mix the “crystals” in with homemade detergent mix.

Has anybody tried/done this before? Successes? Suggestions? Share in the comments – I’d like to know what’s really working for people!

Two down…

• Laundry Detergent, Liquid & Powdered – Brightens & Whitens WITHOUT Borax!
• Mirror/Window Cleaner-&-Fabric Softener-In-One… WHAAAT!?
• Powdered Better-Than-OxiClean Stain Fighting Laundry Booster [No Liquid Peroxide]
• Homemade Washing Soda
• Homemade Scented Purex Laundry Crystals
• Dishwasher Detergent & Homemade Finish® Rinse [No Castile Soap]
• Homemade LemiShine Dishwashing Booster
• Hand Washing Dish Soap That Actually Works – No Residue!
• Hand Soap [NON-Antibacterial]
• Sanitizing Floor Cleaner, Reusable Mop Pads & A Swiffer Wet-Jet Hack
• Cleaning “Stink-B-Gone” Toilet Fizzies
• Homemade Clinging Toilet Bowl Cleaner
• Lemon Dusting Spray & Reusable Cloths
• Coconut Milk Shampoo & Conditioner [No Castile Soap, ACV or Baking Soda Here!]
• Bonus week: How I Went Paper-Less & Saved Over $70 Per Month!

Next time: Mirror/Window Cleaner-&-Fabric Softener-In-One… WHAAAT!?

If you want to start from the beginning of the series, you totally can! Just click here. Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe – wouldn’t want to miss the rest of the series, would you? *wink wink* Thanks for reading!

Welp, that was easy! One down…

• Laundry Detergent, Liquid & Powdered – Brightens & Whitens WITHOUT Borax!
• Mirror/Window Cleaner-&-Fabric Softener-In-One… WHAAAT!?
• Powdered Better-Than-OxiClean Stain Fighting Laundry Booster [No Liquid Peroxide]
• Homemade Washing Soda
• Homemade Scented Purex Laundry Crystals
• Dishwasher Detergent & Homemade Finish® Rinse [No Castile Soap]
• Homemade LemiShine Dishwashing Booster
• Hand Washing Dish Soap That Actually Works – No Residue!
• Hand Soap [NON-Antibacterial]
• Sanitizing Floor Cleaner, Reusable Mop Pads & A Swiffer Wet-Jet Hack
• Cleaning “Stink-B-Gone” Toilet Fizzies
• Homemade Clinging Toilet Bowl Cleaner
• Lemon Dusting Spray & Reusable Cloths
• Coconut Milk Shampoo & Conditioner [No Castile Soap, ACV or Baking Soda Here!]
• Bonus week: How I Went Paper-Less & Saved Over $70 Per Month!

Next time: Homemade Scented Purex Laundry Crystals!

If you want to start from the beginning of the series, you totally can! Just click here. Thanks for reading!

Since washing soda [sometimes called soda ash, scientific name = sodium carbonate] is one of the ingredients we’ll use the most, and sometimes hard to find in some areas [and since it’s possible for my food stamps to cover it] we’ll start off this series with how to make it ourselves! It’s inedible, which means food stamps won’t cover it, but it’s dead easy to make with FS-friendly items.

Believe it or not, some serious science goes into making this stuff. I have no idea how to explain what any of it is, but you can read all about it over here from Penny, the lovely author of Penniless Parenting. The end of it is that basically if you take baking soda, and expose it to high heat, over time some magic science-y stuff happens that makes it release carbon dioxide and turn into washing soda.

You will need:

• Baking soda
• Enameled or Pyrex baking pan
• 450 degree oven
• 2 hours

To make the stuff, it’s super simple: fill the baking dish with 1/2″-1″ of baking soda.

Spread it in an even layer.

Bake for 2 hours at 450 degrees F, stirring every 30 min.

How will you know if it’s turned from baking soda to washing soda?

I’ll use Penny’s words [and her picture]:

Baking soda on the left, washing soda on the right.

“So how do you know if your baking soda became washing soda? Baking soda and washing soda look different, feel different, and taste different. If you make your own washing soda, you’ll be able to tell in an instant which baking soda has become washing soda and which has not yet.

But if you don’t believe me that you’ll know immediately, the differences between the two are [these]:

• Washing soda is grainy, baking soda is powdery.
• Washing soda is dull and opaque, baking soda is crystallized like salt and reflects light, i.e. it is semi shiny.
• Washing soda is separate grains, baking soda clumps together.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Penny.

Welp, that was easy! One down…

• Laundry Detergent, Liquid & Powdered – Brightens & Whitens WITHOUT Borax!
• Mirror/Window Cleaner-&-Fabric Softener-In-One… WHAAAT!?
• Powdered Better-Than-OxiClean Stain Fighting Laundry Booster [No Liquid Peroxide]
• Homemade Washing Soda
• Homemade Scented Purex Laundry Crystals
• Dishwasher Detergent & Homemade Finish® Rinse [No Castile Soap]
• Homemade LemiShine Dishwashing Booster
• Hand Washing Dish Soap That Actually Works – No Residue!
• Hand Soap [NON-Antibacterial]
• Sanitizing Floor Cleaner, Reusable Mop Pads & A Swiffer Wet-Jet Hack
• Cleaning “Stink-B-Gone” Toilet Fizzies
• Homemade Clinging Toilet Bowl Cleaner
• Lemon Dusting Spray & Reusable Cloths
• Coconut Milk Shampoo & Conditioner [No Castile Soap, ACV or Baking Soda Here!]
• Bonus week: How I Went Paper-Less & Saved Over $70 Per Month!

Next time: Homemade Scented Purex Laundry Crystals!

If you want to start from the beginning of the series, you totally can! Just click here. Thanks for reading!

I’ve been sitting on this for almost as long as I’ve been sitting on my cookbook, and I’m super excited because it’s totally doable!

STAY WITH ME. I know that there are a LOT of blogs out there posting recipes and how-to’s for making your own cleaning products, but hear me out. I’ve done a LOT of research, and I’m confident that there aren’t any recipe collections, and in some cases, any recipes AT ALL out there like these. I’ve taken great care to not to just cut and paste from other sources, and I’ve looked up and learned WAY more about cleaning ingredients than I ever thought I’d want to know. And I’m passing all the best parts on to you! Aren’t I awesome? XD

Now I have to confess, there are a handful of ingredients that you can’t actually buy with food stamps because, well, they’re not edible. [Sorry friends, you can’t eat dish soap, shampoo or laundry detergent. Try to contain your disappointment.] But these ingredients are still super inexpensive, and I’ll show you were to get them [mostly Amazon, it’s the easiest and cheapest source, after all] but for the most part, food stamps will cover it.

For those who are still worried, yes, I’m also including options that are completely food-stamp/SNAP-benefit friendly. I totally get that money is tight for lots of folks, so fret not, friends – your house can yet be clean!

No matter what, all of these ingredients are super inexpensive, readily available, environmentally friendly and biodegradable, and the recipes/batches themselves cost literally CENTS to make.

The best part – I’ve stripped all your favorite household cleaners down to their barest of bones – JUST the active ingredients. No fillers, harsh chemicals, or any other unnecessary fluff-n-stuff. Just the good, hard-workin’, keep-earning parts.

This series will cover the following: [including but certainly not limited to – I welcome requests!]

• Laundry Detergent, Liquid & Powdered – Brightens & Whitens WITHOUT Borax!
• Mirror/Window Cleaner-&-Fabric Softener-In-One… WHAAAT!?
• Homemade OxiClean® Stain Fighting Laundry Booster [No Liquid Peroxide]
• Homemade Washing Soda
• Homemade Scented Purex® Laundry Crystals
• Dishwasher Detergent & Homemade Finish® Rinse [No Castile Soap]
• Homemade LemiShine® Dishwashing Booster
• Hand Washing Dish Soap That Actually Works – No Residue!
• Hand Soap [NON-Antibacterial]
• Sanitizing Floor Cleaner & All-Purpose Cleaner
• Reusable Mop Pads & A Swiffer Wet-Jet® Hack
• Cleaning “Stink-B-Gone” Toilet Fizzies
• Homemade Clinging Toilet Bowl Cleaner
• Lemon Dusting Spray & Reusable Cloths
• Coconut Milk Shampoo & Conditioner [No Castile Soap, ACV or Baking Soda Here!]
• Bonus week: How I Went Paper-Less & Saved Over $70 Per Month!

The ingredients all come from this list: [bonus points if you already have any of these around]

• Edibles:
  • water [tap, unless specified as distilled]
  • white vinegar
  • lemon juice & peels
  • baking soda
  • kosher salt
  • citric acid
  • coconut milk [I have a recipe for making this bad boy too!]
  • olive oil
• In-edibles:
  • castile soap [I’m partial to Dr Bronner’s]
  • Dr Bronner’s Sal Suds
  • washing soda [technically inedible, but we’ll make it from edible ingredients]
  • sodium percarbonate
  • epsom salts [also available at WalMart and Target, if you’re into that sort of thing ]
  • essential oils [completely optional, especially if using scented soaps – doTERRA and Mountain Rose Herbs are both great brands, my favorite scents are orange, lemon and rose]
  • My Super Secret Ingredient – stay tuned to learn what it is! Or cheat and click here to find out early. Either way, you’ll be floored at the things you can do with it!

Hmm, did I miss anything? I think that’s everything in the series… anyway, tune in next week for the next installment! Or better yet, just subscribe [form at the bottom of the screen] and get the updates sent right to your inbox – trust me, these are updates you’re not going to want to miss. Yes, I’m THAT proud of them!

Truth: I didn’t lie to ALL of you. Some of you already know my guilty [or not-so-guilty] secret. Especially if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time.

Brief backstory: my boy is five right now. His birthday is in June. All his friends [at least the ones that are also five] are in kindergarten. Lots of their moms have asked me why he’s not also in kindergarten – instead of telling the truth and dealing with the inevitable awkward conversation that follows, I usually tell them, “Oh he’s a June birthday, so we kept him home an extra year so he won’t be a full year younger than all other kids in his grade. Better to be older than younger, right?”

Admittedly, this is only half a lie. Because it’s half of the truth. I AM keeping him home, and he WOULD be a year older by the time I start him in public school, but the whole truth is…

He’s NEVER going to public school.

[whew] Glad to have that off my chest.

The truth is, I DON’T want him to have the typical public school experience.

The truth is, I don’t want him to sit at a desk for 6-9 hours a day at the tender age of five. Or six. Or… ever, really.

The truth is, I don’t want him anywhere near Common Core, regardless of the awesomeness of the teachers that are teaching it. I don’t trust it any further than I can throw it. But that’s another episode entirely, most likely entitled “Common Core vs. Hitler Youth: A Venn Diagram”.

The truth is, I don’t want him to have hours and hours of homework to do after having been at the office his desk school all day, including the commute to and from work school itself.

The truth is, I don’t want him to have the public school social experiences either. I don’t think that the best teacher of social graces is 100-400 other kids his age, supervised or otherwise. Between cliques, class gaps/warfare, hypervigilant-but-hands-off teachers, zero-tolerance policies for everything, and bullies, I think I can find a WAY better alternative for him to have enriching, meaningful social experiences. [And no, it is not the job of bullies, or as some people put it, his classmates, to teach him about how to handle bullies – that’s the job of his martial arts instructor.]

What I DO want:

• short burst, play-based, flexible scheduling and lesson plans
• one-on-one teacher-kid time with him [as the norm, not once or twice a day/week]
• classics-based, moral-driven, repetitive-yet-hands-on curricula
• secular curricula with the freedom for gospel-based discussions inspired by our learning material, but not dictated by it
• to have several hours of unstructured free play time every single day
• to spend as much time with all of my children together and individually as possible, rather than sending them away to people and a system that I don’t know but must implicitly and explicitly trust
• to be in charge of [or at least have a direct, considerable influence over] what he is taught and by whom, to the end that his education is customized, nay, tailor-made to suit his learning needs and styles perfectly.

Oh, and to not have to worry or even think once about standardized tests of any kind ever.

Common objections I’ve heard: “He’s expressing a desire for friends.” “Don’t be paranoid.” “You’re ill, you can’t teach him properly.” “It will be so much easier to just send him.” “He’s asking to go – he wants to be like other kids his age, why not just let him go?”

Or, my personal favorite: “What about socialization?”

First: I went to public school. I begged for YEARS to come home, and for help/more outlets for making friends. [Literally, I had NO friends in school who were my age until I was a teenager. And after I changed schools. And states. Like, I even tried to be friends with the awkward, socially-inept handicapable kids who nobody else would talk to, thinking we’d have something in common. They told me to get lost.] My parents did their best, literally everything they could have done EXCEPT pull me out of school and give me the educational/social experience I was asking for and so desperately needed. So the argument that my kid is asking for it is complete bunk. I mean, how many of you let your kids make their own major life choices when they’re five? You don’t even let them pick whether or not to eat dinner or wipe their bums or take a bath, for crying out loud!

Second:This is probably the most important one – I just WANT him to be with me! He’s the love of my life [tied, of course, with his siblings and my dear husband] – I love spending time with him and being such a big part of his life; it would be wrenching for both of us to send him away. So, put simply, it’s the best fit! It’s what makes both of us happiest, it’s simplest, it’s funnest- case closed!

Third: I’m his mother. It’s my prerogative to be as paranoid as I want over anything and everything regarding my little chickadees. And until I KNOW that they can advocate for and defend themselves on their own account when I’m not standing right over them [insert quip about predators, bullies, shootings, other hot-button issues here], they only go with/to people and agencies in whom I can put complete and utter trust, based on more than “It’s a public school. It’s fine.” Call me crazy, but I would prefer that the educators and caretakers of my precious ones merit more than a flippant “it’s fine” as a recommendation. [No, this is not a solicitation for anyone to start singing the praises of their local school – #1) I’m sure it’s fine, #2) it’s not the one that serves my area, so even if it is painted with gold rainbows and the teachers have fairy wings, it doesn’t help me any, #3) I don’t care. I want my kid home with me.]

Fourth: Yes, I’ve got health problems. Yes, we’re poorer than squirrels in winter. Yes, it would probably be less work for me [in the immediate, anyway] to just take the normal easy standard road and ship him off to day care kindergarten, but… we come back to the “I want to” argument. Closely followed by the “I’m his mother” argument. Closely followed again by the “The best things in life are worth sacrificing for” argument. Yeah, it’s hard. Lots of things in life are hard. I can hack it. It’s what I want. End of story.

Fifth: Ah, socialization. I love how everybody just magically “knows” that that’s a thing, [an assertion which I vigorously dispute] despite it NEVER having been a subject or topic ever discussed or taught in public school, and yet somehow most people leap to the conclusion that the only possible environment that can produce a well-adjusted, socially-graceful, perfectly normal person, is in a public school. Call me insane, but I’m pretty sure public school does NOT have the market cornered on normal-ness. Take the next 10 seconds and think of the religious weirdo kids you knew in elementary school whose parents never let them play over at your house, and they looked like they’d just escaped from a Little House on the Prairie rerun. Normal-ness starts and finishes at home, with the parents and the family. No friends, public school attendance does NOT equate to a proper social upbringing.

[takes own blood pressure] Yes, I have strong feelings about this. Largely because in my mind, it relates to and affects/is affected by almost everything else in life, and it’s something that I have great desires to get right for my kids. That is to say, as “right” as a parent can ever get/do by their kids.

The end of this lovely saga novel rant schpeal-thingy is that I love my babies. And just like every other parent who loves their child[ren], I want to do what I believe is best for them and for my family. I know of lots of other parents who feel very differently about what’s right for their family, but what we do NOT disagree on is that we love our kids, and we both want to do what is best for them. AND. We all vehemently oppose anybody else trying to tell us that they know better than we do for our own kids, and would readily relieve any would-be do-gooders who tried to interfere with our younglings of their eyes, ears or testicles [assuming they have any of the above] with a rusty spoon.

I’d love to hear from all you parents out there who are doing your best to make the best possible choices for your kids! What things are you doing that you feel are enriching your lives and the lives of your kids? What do you love about the life you’ve made for yourself?

I’m mentally ill.

I’ve been diagnosed [and undiagnosed, alternatingly, depending on which doctor you ask/which state I was living in at the time] with PMDD, ADHD, GAD and MPD. [Catatonic schizophrenia and bipolar I have been tossed around a couple times, but the jury’s still out on whether any of those will stick for longer than a few appointments/med trials.]

For the uninitiated, that’s premenstrual dysphoric disorder, [adult] attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [combined inattentive-hyperactive type], generalized anxiety disorder with a panic element, and major depressive disorder. No, I’m not exactly sure which, if any of the diagnoses are correct – I just know, something’s a-foot. Or a-brain, I suppose.

The end if it is that I have a handful of pills I have to take every day so that I’m not running around in circles, tearing at my scalp and banging my head on the wall in an effort to rid myself of the horrible feeling of disintegration inside my… insides.

Yes, it’s just as much fun as it sounds.

I’ve been dithering about sharing this, largely because it tends to be kind of a downer subject, but since it’s pretty well dominating my life these days, it’s left me with little else to blog about. And since I want to keep blogging and be authentic [if inconsistent] about it, and since the only thing that’s really going on in my life right now  is I sit around trying my best not to be crazy, I figure it’s time to fess up.

Living with all these acronyms [which are each doing their best to completely take over my bourha] has definitely taken a LOT of getting used to. Especially for my family. I was apparently a very high-functioning person with most, if not all of these disorders, for the better part of my life, but by some stroke of dumb luck I figured out how to live more or less normally without any outside help. Then, for reasons nobody has been able to as yet satisfactorily explain, when I became pregnant with my youngest child, everything went haywire and suddenly I went from completely functional and productive to completely non-functional and debilitated seemingly overnight. [In reality I think it happened over the course of a week of two. Still, it happened really fast.] I was sick enough that not only could I not care for my kids anymore, I couldn’t care for myself either, and didn’t feel safe to be alone with my children. And neither did Dale. Which meant we didn’t have a job or an income anymore.

2 mental health practices, 5 care providers, 4 medications and 10 months later, I had a counselor and a diagnosis that I was happy with, and all signs pointed to me finally getting better… and then suddenly I wasn’t anymore. And then several other things in my personal life fell apart and now we’re in my in-law’s living room. All five of us. Which hasn’t done anything to make my list of acronyms shorter.

Oh yeah. And PPD [post-partum depression with an anxiety/OCD component] set in. Add that to the list of acronyms.

The worst part about this isn’t the pills, or their side effects, or even the being sick all the time – it’s that I feel like I’ve effectively stopped being a mother to my children. I love them to pieces, more than anything else in heaven or earth, but for some reason I suddenly I have absolutely no tolerance for them anymore. I try every day to get better for them, to make my crazy go away so I can have my babies back, and some days I partially succeed. Which is AWESOME.

But lots of other days, I don’t. Like, if I get out of bed to go to the bathroom, it’s a HUGE victory. Or if I get on Facebook and post a status update, that’s me being super social.

Yeah. Lots of fun.

What I’ve learned from all of this [let’s be real, it’s way easier to get through something like this if I pretend it’s a look at it as a learning experience] is that being a good mother — being a whole person really — isn’t about the number of projects I complete, loads of laundry I fold, or even hours I spend playing with my kids. It’s about doing everything I possibly can, every single day, and asking for the help I need to make up where I fall short. And letting that be enough. Because it has to be.

I didn’t pick my problems. I didn’t ask for my life to play out the way it has. But still, it’s MY life. And I love it. Come what may.

So imagine my happiness when I happened upon several copies of this little beauty at BJs:

It might as well have leapt up at me from the shelf and shouted, “Looking for the easy/fast/lazy person route to continuing to homeschool? Look no further, friend!”

Admittedly it’s not a full curriculum in itself. But the darn thing is ready to go, it covers everything I wanted to cover to begin with [colors, numbers, letters, following directions, etc] and it’s hardbound and adorable… how could I resist?

When I showed my kids that there was one for each of them, they were way more excited than I was expecting. Who knew all it would take to inject some educational enthusiasm into our routine, would be a brightly colored, hard covered workbook of their very own? I tell you, not me.

It’s also great because there is exactly no prep required on my part. When I’m feeling up to it, [or when I decide it’s time and there’s another big person around to do my bidding] we just grab these guys off the shelf, sit down, do a page or two until they’re bored, and call it good. And for us, getting *anything* done is good enough, in my book.

You homeschoolers out there – what books, projects or kits do you use and love that keep your school simple and easy? Do share!

Darned if I can’t remember his exact words, but that’s the heart of his request. And how could I say no to that?

So this year marks the first year where I actually make Christmas into a month-long affair, by putting the decorations up now, and doing something Christmas related each week.

This week, we’re going to make handprint Christmas cards and take them to the VA hospital down the street. I get the feeling that a handprint and candy cane from a child will put a smile on even the grumpiest of veteran faces, amiright?

Jury’s still out on next week’s ritual… any suggestions?

Today was really productive. I planned two weeks worth of school for the kids, ordered most of the supplies that I’ve been scouring the internet for deals on, did preschool and kindergarten [ALL the stuff I planned, unusual for us], tested four recipes for the book, cleaned up the kitchen [no small feat in itself], made and cleaned up all three meals, and did two full loads of laundry. With three kids at home, including my 3-month-old infant. While my sweetie was away.

I freakin’ ROXORED today.

So, why do I still feel like a fat, ugly, useless pile?

When my husband got home, I told him how I was feeling and he sympathetically asked what had happened to make me feel so poorly about myself. I told him all that I hadn’t gotten done, with the things I DID do thrown in, as if that would somehow help demonstrate the magnitude of my incompetence.

A big smile broke out on his face and he told me how excited and proud he was that I’d accomplished so much! He told me how amazed he was at my amazingness, how lucky he felt to be with me, and all kinds of other mushy things that would make my kids gag.

At the end of his “you are wonderful” monologue [one of his many talents to which I must put better use], he asked, “You did so many great things today, you should feel awesome! Why are you so down?”

I had no satisfactory answer.

In my head, he’s totally right – I SHOULD feel awesome, dangit! Look at all I’ve accomplished. So why don’t I?

After a little musing and several ice cream sandwiches, I’ve arrived at this conclusion:

Funny how the piles are different sizes. And though it may seem obvious to you, dear reader, it didn’t occur to me until just now that the one on the right will always, always, always be bigger than the one on the left. No matter how big a dent I make in that to-do list, or inbox, or living room pile that is Mount Washmore, each day there will always be something that I didn’t get to.

This does not make me a failure.

If anything, as long as there is SOMETHING in the “I Did It Today” pile, I am a success. Maybe not the kind of success that anybody will hold a parade over or write a song about, but the kind that validates me as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, and as a human being with problems, challenges that seem insurmountable at times.

And today, I get to put all that stuff from paragraph 1 in the “I Did It Today” box. That makes today a success.

Go me.

asdf