This is from Clay.

Nothing demonstrates how much you love Jesus like trademark...

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 17:07:39 -0700

Nothing demonstrates how much you love Jesus like trademark infringement buried in your profile between “Dunkin’ Donuts” and “If you ask me to hold your drink, I will drink it.”

Flat-earth Five-year-old

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 08:25:38 -0700

Me: Joy, where does the Moon go during the daytime?
Joy: Behind the mountains. And the Sun goes behind the mountains, too.

Who is going to pay 40 dollars plus tax for a season of Matlock...

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:45:00 -0700

Who is going to pay 40 dollars plus tax for a season of Matlock on DVD?

Eldad (אֶלְדָּד, “God has loved.”) and Medad (מֵידָד, from “love”) would...

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 09:00:00 -0700

Eldad (אֶלְדָּד, “God has loved.”) and Medad (מֵידָד, from “love”) would make good names for twin boys, even though the Biblical prophets weren’t twins.

₤1,000,000

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:40:52 -0700

I received an email this morning from a Mr. Kenny Huynh. He had terrific news for me:

One Million Pounds has been Awarded to you in our TOBACCO AWARD PROMO.Send your‏ details for claims purpose:-

NAME..
OCCUPATION..
COUNTRY

Of course, I responded right away:

NAME: Clay “The Tornado” Smith
OCCUPATION: International Man of Mystery
COUNTRY: State of the Vatican City

I’m getting the full fútbol experience today. Our recording of today’s World Cup game...

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 13:51:00 -0700

I’m getting the full fútbol experience today. Our recording of today’s World Cup game has the Spanish commentary. No gól yet.

I’ve outlived James Dean by about a week already, but my movie career just never took off. You...

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 16:29:00 -0700

I’ve outlived James Dean by about a week already, but my movie career just never took off. You win some, you lose some.

Here’s an opportunity to spice up your family dinners with...

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:59:00 -0700

Here’s an opportunity to spice up your family dinners with sacrilegious consumerism! The 99¢ Only Store in Corona carries a line of religious, dishwasher-safe plastic plates. Designs include several different images of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a Nativity scene, Da Vinci’s “Last Supper”, and Our Lady of Guadalupe. Whether you want to eat off of the Blessed Virgin’s face or just hang a couple of these priceless works of art on your wall for all your classy friends to admire, the 99¢ Only Store is the right store…now more than ever!

Notice that the plates are stacked in a Toy Story box in front of Woody and Buzz Lightyear designs. There’s always something for the parents and the kids at the 99¢ Only Store!

I wasn’t feeling patriotic yesterday until I dialed my radio to NPR and listened to their...

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 13:00:00 -0700

I wasn’t feeling patriotic yesterday until I dialed my radio to NPR and listened to their Independence Day coverage. Then I reacted like an angry WASP.

Only 3161 days until Justin Bieber is old enough to rent a car without paying the young driver...

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 11:56:24 -0700

Only 3161 days until Justin Bieber is old enough to rent a car without paying the young driver surcharge.

With Providence moving to Pasadena, the old campus looks a...

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 08:41:00 -0700

With Providence moving to Pasadena, the old campus looks a little dead and a lot sad.

The Blue Devils are performing at the Rose Bowl. Next up?...

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 20:39:00 -0700

The Blue Devils are performing at the Rose Bowl. Next up? Fireworks!

There’s a DCI expo before the Rose Bowl program. These...

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 19:06:00 -0700

There’s a DCI expo before the Rose Bowl program. These bands are good.

My family loves me.

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 22:08:00 -0700

Mom: (speaking to me) Sometimes you're so much like Jack Black.
Patrick: Except you're not fat, and you don't have a beard.

Vote for my brother’s daughter to win the KTLA baby cutey...

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 13:28:00 -0700

Vote for my brother’s daughter to win the KTLA baby cutey contest! For some reason, the site is stretching all the baby photos from every submission, so judge Avery’s cuteness by this photo, and not the one on the contest site that makes her head look a little square. In case you’re not sure, she’s the naked one trying to eat the dog tags. (Requires sign-up unless for some infernal reason you already have an account with KTLA. They haven’t spammed me, but your mileage may vary, verily.)

Rough-looking sea gulls have been keeping me company at...

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 18:21:00 -0700

Rough-looking sea gulls have been keeping me company at Huntington.

The internet is abuzz with the din from South Africa this...

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 10:00:00 -0700

The internet is abuzz with the din from South Africa this summer. I’m not talking about those damnable vuvazelas. No, the loudest ruckus is coming from millions of football fans furious over blind referees miscalling goals and off-sides penalties. Traditionalists claim that bad calls are just part of the game, along with foul theatrics and stadium riots. Others are calling for technological solutions, such as instant replay and goal sensors, which are common to other professional sports.

I am here to propose a third option: let the footballers choke slam and power bomb referees who judge falsely. Do you think that England’s Frank Lampard would have lost that clear goal against Germany if referee Jorge Larrionda knew his neck was on the line? Nick Patrick won’t forget his ethics again after Kane showed him the business back in 2001. Let’s introduce cage match justice to the game of football and straighten this sport out.

I don’t want fame and influence for the money or the women. I only want to have my name listed...

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 21:01:41 -0700

I don’t want fame and influence for the money or the women. I only want to have my name listed in Wikipedia as a “notable resident”.

MapQuest lost my city. I read that MapQuest had updated its...

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 20:44:00 -0700

MapQuest lost my city. I read that MapQuest had updated its identity with a new brand and redesign, so I popped over for a quick look. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the service doesn’t label my city, Corona, CA, at the default zoom level. I tried reloading just in case some object got lost in the tubes the first time, but no luck. They label Norco, even though it’s a smaller population, but you have to zoom in once before they point Corona out on the map. That doesn’t make sense.

The service is kind of cute in a pathetic sort of way. There’s no scrollwheel zoom or auto-complete in the search box. The satellite images are woefully out-of-date: the truck we haven’t had in two years is sitting in our driveway, and half the houses in our neighborhood haven’t been built. The street view is slow, low resolution, and it only covers major streets, which is useless since the whole point of street view is looking up your house. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to use this service over Bing or Google Maps. That makes me a little sad, since those of us who are old enough first experienced the wonder of online maps with MapQuest. Now it’s the brunt of jokes.

How long would it take to transport two cars across the country by driving both of them separately...

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 21:39:00 -0700

How long would it take to transport two cars across the country by driving both of them separately at the same time? I mean, what if you drove car A for a mile, hopped out and jogged back to car B, drove it two miles, jogged back and drove car A for two miles, and then repeated this process from Los Angeles to New York City? That would take what? A year? Someone should try this.