This Is MY life, so yea... welcome to it and stuff.

PRISON, Sign me Up!

2009-11-11T20:29:00.013-06:00

My very first thoughts, if I ever woke up in jail...... in FOUR words. Ok, some have 5, just sayin....

~Ok, yea.. wasn't me??
~Can I blame my EX?!
~HELL NO!! Twas HERRRRR!!!
~Hey beyotches, Im baaaaaaack!
~Damn that was great.
~Ohhh Momma, again! AGAIN!
~Up for another go?
~Oh hell no... really???
~Missed me, didnt ya!
~YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!!!!
~Hell to tha YEAH!
~That's not my name.
~But I LIKED the handcuffs?!
~So...what's for breakfast?
~You ATE it, right?
~I killed the bastard?
~Wow, a single shot?!?
~God I'm super hungry!!!
~Sociopath Personality, hmmm interesting.
~Who the F's Miranda?
~I just left here!!!!
~I want my mommy...
~Freedom is over rated.
~God, that was quick.
~Can I plead the 5th?
~I plead the 5th!!
~NO! Don't call my PIMP!!!
~Bribery has serious advantages....
~Noo shit.... he's DEAD???
~WHAT'S against the law?
~I didnt kill ANYONE!
~....whatthefuckever, what's ma bail?
~Nope! Ain't confessing SHIT!
~All ya'll judges SUCK!!!
~My name? Ca-razee Bitch!
~Damn these small rooms!
~Hey, roomie! Watch this!!!
~No windows, wtf HATERS!!!!!!
~DAYUM.... totally worth it!
~Paybacks are a beyotch...
~This looks bad, right?
~Don't bother.... ain't answering.
~Idk? They were bitches?
~Glad I ate THAT!
~Hey Wardon, lookee lookee!!!!!!
~What! in! Sam! Hell!?
~Good luck with PROOF!
~That....Was....Great....Fun....
~Negative, call my lawyer.
~Whatiffin he deserved it???
~See, what happened was...
~WHERE ARE MY KIDS????
~They confiscated my whaaaaat????
~Bet MY daddy's proud!!!
~Cut my steak, punk.
~Woooooahhhh Jessie!!! Lethal whaaaat??
~Im in New Orleans? EXPLAIN!
~Nobody listens to me!!
~But I'm a cajun!!
~Whatchu talkin bout Willis?!
~Rules apply to ME??
~Uh NO I DIDNT!!!!
~Innocent til proven HOOKAS!!!!
~You'll NEVER FIND HIM!!!!
~Solikewhat does "confess" mean?
~No more polygraphs!!! pleeeeease!!!
~F you, not talking!
~I don't get it?
~Whateva!!! That ain't blood!!
~HAHA! Just HAHAHA, really!
~But, canya PROOOOOVE it?!?!
~Whatchu mean, bail denied????
~Stripes are so trendy!!
~Are "favors" an option??
~TOP BUNK IS MINE!!!!!
~Fine... yea, my idea.
~They f'king said WHAT?????
~I SAID NO COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Suuuurrrrrrre....I acted "alone".
~DENY DENY DENY DENY!
~I ain't sayin'....lawyer?
~It's the little things....
~Look!!! Pretty blue lights!
~Reason? Cuz I did.
~I need an I.V.
~He TOLD me to!
~They made me, seriously!!
~Al-Qaeda was in charge!
~Like....ALL ma needles?!?
~I LIVE FOR THIS!!!
~Buuuuut I'm laughin inside....
~Yeah... Just f'kn wait.
~Prostitution illegal? Since WHEN?
~You don't want MY number.
~THIS deserves a tattoo!!!!!!!!!
~When's fk'ing T.V. time?
~Fk ALL you C.O.P.S.!!
~Yea.... drop that soap.
~I need a smoke...
~I was just PMS'ing?
~Damn those stupid voices!
~Nevermind.... I expected this.
~Fk'n TOLD you so!
~I dunno, he tripped?
~Ummmm... repeat the question????
~Cops don't "get it"!
~No, it was intentional.
~Where's my effing shank??????
~I WANT MY MEDS!!!!!!
~Really, just ain't listening.
~Lawyers don't know JACK!!!!
~Hmm, for a blowjob?
~CONFESS?? ADMISSION? PREMEDITATION???? WTF?!
~Yeeeeaaaah, sure... an "acccccccideeeent"
~No really, not lying.
~Can I change stories?
~"Repeat Offender" means what?
~Mom, seriously... don't ask.
~Wasn'twhatchawas saying LAST NIGHT!!!!!
~Is this a setup?
~His honor is PISSED!!!!
~Thank God 4 Forensic Files...
~Will I get mercy?
~Watchit, I know folks....
~WAZZZ UP MY PEEPS!!!
~Welcome home, Liz... sigh.
~JUST earned my teardrop!
~No touching through glass?
~You be my alibi??
~*Wink* How was that?
~Fun is NEEEEVVVER bad!
~Idk, bitch FELL on it?
~Ijustputtahitouton ALL YALL MOFO'S!!!
~A Bible? You think?? hm!
~Don't preach to me!!! I'm already GOING to hell, SUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nobody Knows...

2009-11-10T17:08:00.001-06:00

Its no secret that words move me. These aren't mine, they belong to Pink... but I could have written them myself. Words are power, and these are powerful; as they fit my mind brilliantly. Not to mention that her voice in itself is strong beyond belief.

Nobody knows,
Nobody knows but me, that sometimes, I CRY.
And if I could pretend that I'm asleep, when my tears start to fall,
I'd peek out from behind these walls.
Cause I think nobody knows... nobody knows. No.

Nobody likes,
Nobody likes to lose, their inner voice...
The one I used to hear before my life, made a CHOICE.
But I think nobody knows... nobody knows.

But Baby...
Oh the secret's safe with me!
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be!
And baby, don't it feel like I'm all alone?
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown,
And I've lost my way back home???
I think nobody knows, no... I said nobody knows.

Nobody cares,
That it's win or lose, not how you play the game.
And the road to darkness just has a this way,
Of ALWAYS knowing my name...
But I think nobody knows.

Nobody knows,
Nobody knows the rhythm of MY heart,
The way I do, when I'm lying, in the DARK...
And the world is asleep,
And I think nobody knows.

Nobody knows,
Nobody knows but me,
Nobody knows but me.
Me....

~Elizabeth, as sung by "Pink"

*our lives are about the choices we make for ourselves. Its simple, we are our own worst enemies, and our own best friends. Make your choice, own it, embrace it.... and then live it. For at the end of the day, the choices we make for ourselves, will either be our own downfall or our greatest success. Our happiness, or our destruction, lies within our own two hands.....

Things I Love, Things I've Learned

2009-11-05T11:15:00.000-06:00

On occasion, I sometimes quote others who have impacted me. I love quotes, and the meaning that they induce to my soul. However, this is not one of those times..... these are all mine, straight from the heart.

~ I love the blinding whiteness of the snow, when standing atop a mountain at the edge of a ski run...when the only thing you hear is silence. That one thing, takes my breath away, no matter how many times I experience it.

~ I've learned that yes, sometimes you just have to shut up and be quiet. You can say more with your silence, than you ever can with your words.

~ I love the smell and feeling of clean sheets straight from the dryer. Nothing feels better than clean sheet Sunday.

~ I've learned to appreciate my strengths.... but more importantly, I've learned to appreciate my weaknesses.

~ I love that I have no set handwriting. Each time I write, something totally different comes from my hands.

~ I've learned to never, ever, take the little things in life for granted. Usually, they're all we get.

~ I love my humor. Yes, it's true. And not only do I love it, I'm proud to have it.

~ I've learned how to be at peace....deep within my own soul. It was an incredibly long and painful journey, but the arrival was totally worth it.

~ I love standing up for what's right, even when it means that most of the time, I'm left standing alone.

~ I've learned to never keep hurt inside. Always speak up. But do it softly.

~ I love doing small things for other people to make their day just a little bit brighter. Trust me, by doing so, your day will become even brighter than their's did.

~ I've learned that the old saying really IS true.... it is never, ever ever, too late to simply say, "I'm sorry".

~ I love rock and roll, Ed Hardy, designer handbags and tattoos! oh, and money. :)

~ I've learned that in order to let go, you have got to forgive all. Forgive those who have wronged you, forgive those who have hurt you, forgive those who have destroyed you.... but first, forgive you.

~ I love hearing my children simply say... "I love you mommy"

~ I've learned that reaching out to others, is sometimes not only important, but necessary. Find someone who has a hand out reaching, and grab it. Even if it's your own.

~ I love that I love the little things.

~ I've learned that the ability to get back up, doesn't come from strength, it comes from peace.

~ I love that no matter how much hurt I've been dealt, no matter how many scars I've received, I still have the ability to love back. Over and over again.

~ I've learned that the best days spent, are in solitude. You just can't go wrong being your own best friend.

~ I love that the best things in life may not be free, but they sure are cheaper!

~ I've learned that when life rains on your parade, there's always the Slip N Slide.

~ I love music. It warms my heart and moves my soul.

and lastly.......

~ I've learned that you can never stop learning.... from everything, and everyone.

How To Thumb Your Nose At A Tornado!

2009-11-04T19:47:00.012-06:00

So yeah..... living in Louisiana we have our fair share of tornados. Maybe not as many as Dorothy and her little red slippers, but we do get quite a few. Tornados fascinate me really. I love weather, it excites me! Usually, down here, we get crazy weather in the Spring. Ironically it usually falls on Easter weekend, I suppose it's God's little way of saying "hello, you've been a naughty little girl haven't you?" Hell, who knows.... I don't claim to have life's answers, I just break the rules. Just sayin...

Last Thursday, out of nowhere, we got about 7 tornados all within about a 10 mile radius. Not to mention about 75 inches of rain. Levees broke, homes were flooded, and schools were closed. But last Thursday night, during this horrific event, what do I do? Yep, you guessed it! I played on Facebook, giving my own little weather updates, basically mocking what the forecasters were saying. And actually, I set a new Facebook record, receiving almost 400 posts on one status update.... in two hours. I'm just that good, really. I'm a Facebook celebrity, or at least that's what my friends tell me, if you will.

So I've composed a list, of some "things" YOU can do, when faced with a Tornado and you just don't wanna hunker down in such a confined space of like, uh, your closet!! :) So here you go, just my funny take on having fabulous effed up time in a Tornado!

1. Stand in your driveway listening for a "freight train". When you hear it, wish like hell you actually lived near some railroad tracks.... :)

2. Eat an entire box of Ding Dong's that you snatch out of your terrified little children's hands.... :)

3. Drink...heavily. Booze makes it all better. :)

4. Play on the internet all night long, ignoring what they say on TV. Assuming you still have power.... :)

5. If your power goes out, break out your METAL ladder and climb up your electric pole and try to jimmy that shit back on.... :)

6. Get out your kite, attach a bunch of keys to the tail, head for the nearest open field for some fun.... :)

7. Climb a cell tower to get a better view.... the taller the better. :)

8. Drink some more... :)

9. Refuse to get away from windows and/or glass - REBEL from it all! :)

10. Take your kids to the park - you'll have the swings and slides all to yourself! :)

11. Think like "The Matrix".... there IS no tornado. :)

12. Wish you lived in a trailer park so finally, you can see some damn ACTION.... :)

13. Tell all your friends and family that you're all about to die.... :)

14. Call Kanye West and tell him you really enjoyed the Grammys! :)

15. Sit outside in your vehicle to keep your phones charging... you just gotta stay connected to Facebook, right??? :)

16. After drinking quite a bit, get your friends together and dress up like zombies to scare the Tornados away... :)

17. Head out for a leisurely drive.... WITH your kids! :)

18. Make up lies about the destruction of certain buildings in your town and also that people are looting and shit. Post it on Facebook and then laugh at what happens next.... :)

19. Leave your children at home unattended, to go buy more booze and smokes.... :)

20. Call the Post Office and demand your mail be delivered on time! STAT! :)

21. Laugh at your friends who just told you that they recently canceled their flood insurance.... :)

22. Live a little, and smoke crack.... unlike the Tornados, it really WONT kill you! :)

23. Make fun of the local newscasters - on whatever social networking site you use. Do it simutaneously, as they report, so do you! :)

24. Defy nature... take your family to dinner. :)

25. Stand in your front yard, with the winds howling around you as you hear that freight train coming.... and raise two arms up as high as you can, and FLIP IT THE EFFING BIRD!!!!!!! :)

26. Prank call people and tell them that there's been a terrible mistake.... there isn't really a Tornado. Call them back 5 minutes later and say, "Just kidding!!!! TAKE COVER NOW!" :)

27. Call your family and friends, and tell them that you, along with them, just died and everyone's in Hell together.... :)

28. Laugh when you think about the next day, when you'll be driving around local neighborhoods with your camera taking pictures but not offering to help anyone.... :)

29. Find the worst damaged area possible and get out of your car. Walk up to folks and say, "Damn, your shit is way more fucked up than mine!" Then laugh get back in your car and leave... :)

30. Laugh at your spouse as he lies sleeping and snoring soundly on the couch nearby.... and think to yourself, "I wonder if he knows he's about to die???" Then tell all your friends you thought such a thing, so they can laugh too! :)

32. Blame the weather on Al-Queda... :)

33. Take all the credit for the destruction of the downtown Methodist's churches steeple collapsing by saying, "That steeple stuff, yeah.... that was me" :)

34. Post on Facebook that you are glad that church's steeple didn't fall on YOU, like it did to that one guy, cause you are NOT in the mood to hear no damn "I told you so's!!!" :)

35. Take the credit for ALL the weather, and say "See what happens when I get angry!?" :)

36. Threaten the local pizza place with legal action, when even THEY are smart enough to stay off the roads during this catastrophic weather and refuse to deliver your food.... :)

37. Never actually do ANY of this, because when the next Tornado rips through your town, God will seriously see to it that you get paid back tenfold.... same as he's gonna do to me, for having such wicked thoughts..... :)

Here's to a tornado coming your way, enjoy!

Elizabeth
p.s. Feel FREE to add your take and or other things to do in my comment section, you don't have to be a subscriber to comment me, so go ahead cuz you know you want to. :)

*I would personally like to thank the following Facebookers, who are not only my friends, but are almost as sick and as twisted as me.... almost. Thank you guys for a GREAT night of fun and 383 comments!
~Tracy Agostini
~Randy Yorba
~Kim Yorba (who didn't post cuz I didnt get the request until afterwards, but was there in spirit!!) Muah!
~Deanna Fallon Antee
~Bryan Doles
~Debbie Fulmer Huckaby
~Amanda Camille Gates
~Ronny C. Lynn
~Trista Kempf Fredieu
~Sherry Roche
~Eric Farquhar
~Kim Farquhar
~Dondi Wilson
~Kenneth Webb
~Amy Navarre Herlant
~Scott Griner
~Melissa Brown Hayden
~Mr. Ray Thorn (who actually didn't post, but was working behind the scenes with me making stuff up!)

Living Outside The Box....just a girl really

2009-10-28T12:03:00.008-05:00

So today, I'm going to venture out of my norm, and give you all more than a "surface glimpse" of who I am, and a passing glance into my life. Call it a mini bio, if you will. But I had one hell of a night and well, I'm having a hard time finding my humor today. Bear with me...I'm a rambler.

I'm 36. Almost 37. And up until a few months ago, I thought I had my life pretty much figured out. I was seriously mistaken. I've lived a crazy and often chaotic life. Married for 14 years to a Master Sergeant in the United States Air Force, I have 2 kids, and 1 cat who thinks she's a dog. Currently, I'm going through a messy divorce as well. I've always been a writer. Words are beautiful to me, and I love being able to express myself through the written word. I just love how they sound. I see something on TV, read something in the news, or just hear a word or phrase coming out of a friends mouth, and before I know it.... Ive written 10 pages. And yes, I still use paper and pen. Old school.

But, I'm not here to talk about my writing. I'm here to tell my story: and this is it.....

I was molested at age 8, raped at 13; I guess you could say I've been through my fair share of pain. And you're right, I have. I was adpoted at birth, and my biological mother is a crack addicted, part time innmate. My real father, whom I never got the chance to meet, is deceased. I partied hard in school....which was my self medicated attempt at easing my pain, but only served to leave me scarred and a mother at 18 years old. But I'm a survivor....and I'm surviving.

Before marrying the man I'm currently divorcing, I was married once before to a cowboy punk who walked out on me one Christmas Day. I could have cried like everyone else, and honestly, I probably did shed a tear or two. But those tears weren't for the loss of a marraige, they were for the death of my child that I had just lost that same Christmas morning due to a miscarraige. No, the tears weren't for that cowboy, who just abandoned me and left me alone in my pain. They were for my unborn. But I'm a survivor.....and I'm still surviving.

Five miscarraiges later, and a new husband in the Air Force who I was supposed to grow old with, somehow I ended up in white picket fence suburbia.... with 2 children, a home, and a cat. I wasn't surviving any longer, I was "living". Thinking back now, and the lie it all became, I never fully expected my life to come crashing down on me the way that it did; so fast, and so hard. But it did, and miraculously, I still survived it.

It started off small. Little things, that although not easily overcome, were still somehow manageable. My daughter was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, my son with Autism. Between the 3 of us, we have life threatening allergies, heart conditions, and auto-immune disorders. We have a gastroenterologist, a cardiologist, an allergist, an opthamologist, a rheumotologist and an endocrinologist. And that's just to name a FEW! :) Yet, through it all, I simply "wrote". My thoughts to pen, my pen to paper. Letting those thoughts guide me through every turn, and every storm. I learned to turn inward, to rely on my own soul for wisdom, words and peace. Until August, it worked beautifully....we are survivors, and we are surviving.

But in August of 2009, while in the midst of planning a family move overseas to Japan with the military, I found out that my husband of 14 years had been molesting and abusing my daughter for 11 years. Life, as I knew it, came screeching do a dead halt. I lost my soul. I lost my family. I lost my strength, and for the first time, I also lost my words. Then, as fate would have it, I lost my job as well. I became blank. Void. Empty. Scarred, and terrified beyond measure. Grieving over a life I once had, but one that had been stripped away from me in a fraction of a second. Never to return again. My entire life was a lie, and now even the LIE was gone. And so I begin to ask myself, AM I really and truly a survivor? Because I'm losing my will to survive....

Since before I can remember, I've always had this ability, or maybe a "gift", to take the good with the bad of the things I've been dealt and get back up, only faltering for just a moment. I nurture them, with kid gloves. Caress them, cuddle them, make peace with them...I learn from everything, and everyone, always allowing life's experiences to mold me, and shape me, into what I'm supposed to be in this life. Never, ever, taking for granted what I can learn from any one single thing, place or event. I've always been a survivor.... beautifully surviving.

But how could I learn from THIS?? From this monster of a life event? How? A husband who had done the unthinkable to my flesh and blood. I didn't understand, didn't understand these feelings I was being thrown... such a multitude of emotion, all over the place.... failing at my attempts to reel them in. Left in a place of total despair and disarray. A place, I was afraid, would render me completely frozen in time. Pain, aftermath, restraining orders, polygraphs, court and detectives, all the while frozen in my mind, only helping to make the colorless walls cave in faster in my soul. Is this really my life now? Not only can I not breathe, I can not even find the air thats supposed to enter into my lungs to begin with. Eventually, I did find that air. And it feels good to me now. As I type this today, I've re-read all the things I had written in those first days back in August, and I smile.... to myself, and to my family and friends. I've come along way. In life, and also in the past couple of months. I still do not know, what my day to day life will bring to me each morning when I arise. But I don't worry too terribly much, for I have no power to change them. And even if I did, I wouldn't. Because I'm a survivor....and I'm still surviving.

A week into the aftermath, a great friend told me: "Today, I'm taking you out of your box that you're in. Put all that crisis into that box, seal it up and leave it there, if only for today. I'm taking you out of it, and I'm not giving you a choice in the matter. Turn off your phone, leave it in the box as well. It will all still be there tomorrow, unchanged, and you can return to it then."

So I did. And I have to say, that single act was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Yet, it was the best advice I was given, and listened to. For whatever the reason, I did it. I left my pain, my thoughts, and my fears in that box. And suprisingly, the next day, when I returned to that beautiful painful box of hell, it occured to me that I didn't want back in... and damnit I haven't been back in since! Oh, I take it out every single day. I talk to it, hold it, touch it... make sure it's all still in there. But get back in that box of hell? Never again. Finally I am at peace. With myself, my mind and my soul. My words have been given back to me, and they are as beautiful and glorious as ever before. I have found my "place", and it's outside of that box.

And while I may have lost everything.....my life, my family, my marriage, my world, my life; in doing so, I have gained everything back in return and so much more. No, my life isn't easier, or the same. But it's still good; imperfectly marred, and insanely beautiful. Not only am I truly blessed for the things I've been through, the things that I've learned, and the things that I have now, but I am finally happy....and at peace. And even though yes, I'm surving life, I like to better desribe as LIVING IT, finally.....

and that? IS MY STORY!!!

"Elizabeth"

Editors note:

As of today, while writing this blog, I was informed that my phone is about to be turned off for lack of payment, my lovely husband elected retirement so as to not have to pay me hardly any child support/alimony, and my car insurance is also being canceled at the end of the month....Oh, and as winter is fast approaching, my heater just went out as well! Welcome to Hollywood, where dreams come true baby, dreams come true!

And yet, even still, I will learn from this, grow from this, remain true to my heart, and come out alive...and yes, I will still be living my life as I have always done in the past, now, and in the future. Now, anyone want to send me some money? Or maybe give me a job? I heard from some very knowledgable people, that I am an excellent writer :) oh yeah, I'm not joking... I need a damn job, and some help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Advertising Slogans Turned On

2009-10-27T17:56:00.003-05:00

Look, I don't pretend to understand or know exactly how my mind operates. I make no excuses for my vulgarity and my over-the-top writing. Topics and/or style. It is what it is, and I am what I am. Seriously, I don't know where the hell this stuff comes from. I've tried for years to figure out my brain..... with no luck. People say, "Don't ever stop writing!", "You're so freaking funny, you make me laugh!" - but the truth of the matter is, I really doubt they know just how twisted my mind really is!! But hey, I can't stop these creative juices from flowing......

Earlier, I was wondering (and reading labels while in the bathtub, yeah, I admit it! I'm a label reader!) And well, it got me thinking....(shut up) But as I was reading said labels, it occured to me that maybe I'm not the only sick fucker in the world!! Cuz lookie lookie what I FOUND!! Read on.....

ADVERTISING SLOGANS THAT, WELL....TURN ME ON!!!!!

1. Pert Shampoo - "Crazy Good Hair, Without All The Craziness"

.....(I'll take 3 of these to go, but I want the craziness part left in!!)

2. Got2B Blow Out Lotion - "This blow out lotion is Heaven on Earth. It doesn't get any HOTTER!"

.....(this one's referring to me, actually...just sayin.)

3. Caress Body Wash - "Showering with Caress will be like wrapping yourself in a silky soft pashima, surrounded by the exotic blend of white orchid milk and warm vanilla essence. Lather, breathe in and relax. Ignore all knocks at the door.

.....(F a bunch of ignoring knocks!!!! After this, come the hell on in and take me!!!!!)

4. Top Care Nail Files - "Using the pink buffer side, "stroke back and forth" to smooth ridges. Step 1 and 2 are only necessary every 2 weeks"

.....(um.... yea. I do step one and two DAILY, THANKS!!!)

5. Pantene Smoothing Conditioner - "Comb through with fingers, beginning at the ends and.....work your way up. Repeat as desired."

.....(I think the folks at Pantene are slightly confused, because...THIS IS FOREPLAY TO ME!!!!!)

6. Axe Body Spray - "Twist open top to reveal "nozzle". Spray all over body, to leave you smelling great all day, any day, anytime!"

.....(Baby? Can I twist your "nozzle" anytime, any place, any day, to leave you smelling great?)

7. Crest Toothpaste - "If more is used than for brushing teeth, and is swallowed, seek medical attention immediately."

.....(I'm totally down with ANYTHING that says call EMS if too much is swallowed....just sayin!)

8. Baby Powder - "Absorbs excess wetness to keep you smooth and fresh."

.....(niccccce!!)

9. Hydrogen Peroxide - "If using in the mouth, dilute with water. Swish around in the mouth, then spit out!"

.....(Oh HELL yeah!!!!! Let's do THIS!!!!!!!!!)

10. Bed Head After Party Lotion - "The Perfect Party Favor! Smooth on, and Party Down!"

.....(Effing freaks...myself included! I love this shit!)

11. Rusk Strong Hold Hairspray - "Contains Thermaplex. Which activates with heat to provide shine and control from the inside out!"

.....(I'm really loving this whole "from the inside out" business... these people are on to something!!!)

12. Rusk Gel FX - "A non-greasy formula that defines, directs and slicks! Hair brushes easily and springs back, full bodied and completely touchable!"

.....(seriously, I just LOVE stuff that "springs back"!! TOP OF THE LIST!!!!)

13. Pledge - "Did you know that Pledge is great for shining and polishing wood?"
.....(I can think of a few other things that do that as well, just sayin...)

14. Milk - "It Does A Body Good"
.....(I don't care for Milk, but I'm always down for ANYTHING that does a body good! Mine, yours, whomever's!!!)

15. Beef - "It's Whats For Dinner"
.....(Yeah, you right baby! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

16. Chick-Fil-A - "Eat. Mor. Chicken."
.....(no, no, NO!! Go back to number FIFTEEN!!!!!!)

Again, I apologize for my deviant, twisted, but FUNNY mind!!
Elizabeth

Spam Fun For ALL!! (or just me probably)

2009-10-27T13:36:00.006-05:00

So today, being bored and unemployed and all.... I decided to clean out my AOL spam folder. But after reading through all the Subjects, I couldnt resist but to share it all with you. And of course, I must absolutely add in my own reflections on each one. Read on, my eager fans... read on. (and YES, each and every one of these, are actually what was sent to me)

1. $299 for 7 nights, 5 day - Sale! (sweet! I could really use a vacation! too bad it didnt say WHERE....bummer, sorry bastards)

2. Help With College Financial Aid? (thanks! I'll take all of it!)

3. Meet Me Tonight...I'm Married, Lonely and Sexually Frustrated! (yea, me too buddy, get the hell in line....)

4. Bowel Cleansing Trial, FREE! (whaaaa??? sign me up Scotty!!!!!!)

5. Military Report: Stoploss Compensation (what an outrage, I'm calling Congress right friggin NOW!)

6. We Have Anti Anxiety Medications! (are you damn psychic? send them to me!)

7. How Would You Like 10lbs of Delicious Bacon? (wtf? Send me 50!!)

8. 1 Carat Diamond Rings, 97% off (this is a trick, isn't it?)

9. Liz, Important Info on Paxil Users (about FRIGGIN time!!)

10. Liz, Add 3 Inches To Your Dick! (thanks... how'd you know?)

11. Viagra, Xanax, Valium, Codeine, Vicodin and Lithium are Yours, No Prescription! (WOO HOO! yeah baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ALL freaking mine too!!!)

12. Do You Need Help In Bed? (gee, Im sorry, you'll have to ask my boyfriend about that...)

13. How Long Is Yours?? (how long is YOURS? I'll tell you if you tell me!)

14. Codeine Is Available At Your Fingertips... (so is my man...)

15. Our Records Indicate You Have Financial Aid Waiting! (Great! What's the damn hold up??)

16. ALL Your Favorite Medications Are Here, Liz! (no shit, ALL of them???)

17. Premium Business Cards, Only 1 Penny Each (which would come in handy, if I had a JOB)

18. Great Weightloss Medications! (just what every anorexic yearns for!!)

19. Serious Injuries Reported From Certain Birth Control Pills! (whew...glad I dont use THOSE! Birth Control injuries are freakin JACKED UP!)

20. Killer Prices at DFW (what the F do they kill? Planes or people??)

21. Use and Keep a Dell Laptop Computer (no thanks, I gotta Dell...and its a VIRALLY INFECTED PIECE OF SHIT! Give that crap to another victim...)

22. We Have Weightloss and Pain Meds for YOU, Liz! (oh well hell, why didnt you mention the pain part earlier? send me some!)

23. Anne, Scratch Beneath The Surface (Ima scratch your eye balls out for using my first name... just sayin. And the only thing this bitch scratches, is my boyfriend's back. Again, just sayin....)

24. View This Life Changing Breakthrough! (is it a job????)

25. You Have Received A Halloween Card! Click Here To Send One Back (NO?)

26. U Like It? I DO! (YES!!!!!!!!!!)

27. Mans Will Lov Thiss! (I think "mans" will love your English ability better)

28. Do You Need Help Falling Asleep At Night? (ohhhh...I do NOW!)

Much love,

Elizabeth :)

"Feel Goods"...Facebook Style

2009-10-20T20:50:00.001-05:00

Having a mind that just won't quit can sometimes be a nuisance. Having a mind that is creative and twisted beyond measure is worse. Add in sarcasm and a passion for dramatical shock value with the written word? Welcome to my mind...

This day and age, there isn't a single person I know who doesn't use some type of social networking site. Except for this one guy named Jason... because he's afraid his wife will cut his throat. But this blog isn't about Jason. It's about Face Book; and my top list of things you can do on it to make you feel better. If you aren't a member of Face Book, don't read any further. You won't understand, just sayin. I've come up with a list, of certain things you can do on Face Book that are guaranteed to brighten your day, or make you feel better when you've been wronged. I'll just jump right in, here they are:

1. "Like" Your Own Status:
(this is purely for fun, and good for a laugh and has nothing to do with being "wronged", but it's terribly funny so I'm including it as things to do) "Status Liking", I feel, is just a cop out excuse for leaving a real comment. No effort involved, no brain use required. One simple click of the mouse. But to turn the tables on the like button, try this: After every single status update you post, turn around and "like" your own status. Everytime!! It's a double whammy in the world of self love. We obviously like what we post, but to turn around and "like" it as well, shows some serious extra conceited self love and arrogance! So go ahead, and "like" your own status update. Every single time.You'll feel better!

2. Face Book Killing:
This is actually a new concept, (and yea ok, stolen from a friend....you know the one) but I have to admit, it's just too sweet and classic to not utilize. Often! When anyone, whether an actual friend or just a virtual friend does something to piss you off... kill them; on Face Book. If someone posts something you don't agree with... threaten to kill them; on Face Book. When someone posts something so horribly stupid, and just isn't to your liking... tell them how ignorant they are, and then kill them; on Face Book. Example: someone posts an update that makes you seethe in anger. Someone says horrible things about you to other Face Book friends. Don't take that bull, just simply do this: Leave them a comment stating, "Do you know how (insert inappropriate adjective here) you are? I simple will not be your 'friend' any longer, you're an idiot, and an ASS! Consider yourself assassinated, because I just killed you... on Face Book!" - then delete them. You just performed a Face Book killing, well done my friend, well done.

3. Face Book Divorce:
Mad at your boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc? Try this classic trick! Go into your display settings, and select the box allowing your relationship status changes to be made available for everyone to see when there's been a change. Without informing your mate, just point blank "cancel the realationship". Carry on with your day to day activities, and say nothing to him or her about it. And for pete's sake, do not delete them (yet) You want them to be blind sided when they see it... and they will. And so will everyone else on Face Book :) The next time they log in and visit your page, probably to leave you some little romantic "I Love You" wall post, they'll notice that you have "canceled the relationship", TWO WEEKS AGO! Congratulations, you just divorced your spouse; on Face Book. Now you can delete them...

4. Face Book Stalking:
Maybe you have a stalker in your midst. Someone who is getting all up in your Face Book business? Repeating your personal info to people that you just don't want told? It may take a little digging, but it won't be hard. Your traitor is obviously someone on your friends list, just use the process of elimination. You'll figure out a name soon enough. Once you have a name, post the following as your status update: "John Q. Stalker is a traitor and a backstabbing little pansy freaking punk. His telephone # is (318) 465-9771 and his address is 200 Timber Falls Drive, Longview TX 75605..." Be sure to also include specific info telling exactly what this idiot has done to you and how you would like for your "real" friends to let him know how sorry he is as well...they can use the data listed to do just that. Tell them that in the post. Just remember to keep it under 420 characters, it's all you get. Bravo! You have just publicly outed and humiliated your stalker; on Face Book! The tables have been turned, now delete him...

5. The Face Book "Coup de Gras":
- a Face Book "ban", so to speak.
After every bad Face Book behavior, which has damaged, embarrassed, or hurt you in some form... you've completed a killing, the break up, posted their phone and address online, and performed a deletion. Now it's time to finish them off. Do the following: Find a picture of your harasser. (look around in your personal photos, your friends albums, etc.) Copy and save the image to your PC. Open whatever photo editing progam you have installed, and embellish the picture by drawing (or using paint) a large circle over their face. Add a diagonal line through the middle, to resemble a "ban" symbol. Preferrably using a bright color, such as red or orange to get the full effect. Log into your Face Book account, and upload the picture. Now set it as your default! You're almost done, start getting excited now! Make a new status post, to reflect the new image you're using, telling everyone who it is (and yea, use their name) and exactly what they did to you. After this is completed, and your page and status post is done, do this: send the "banned" picture to every one of your friends, and have them do the same. (your "true" friends won't hesitate... if any do, they are NOT your friend...start back up at the top of this list, and get busy) I give you a 100% guarantee, this person will get the lesson, and learn it well. (which would be - they can mess with anyone they like, it just won't ever be YOU again!!) This is the ultimate Face Book slam, you just virtually and visually "banned" your agressor; on Face Book! And now so did all of your friends :)

Happy Facebooking!!! :)

Things I Don't Understand, Ya'll!

2009-10-16T19:14:00.001-05:00

This is my "updated" blog, of the things that just don't make sense, and just ain't right. :)

1. Erectile Dysfunction.....Cialis, Levitra and Viagra, come on now. The commercials state, it you should "only take these medications if you are healthy enough for sex". Now, maybe I'm just misunderstanding it, but if you are not functioning well enough to "perform", SO much so that you visit your physician, then....you probably ARE NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH to have sex, just saying.

2. Nancy Grace.....Now, I happen to like Mrs. Grace. But it really gets on my ever lovin' nerve when she speaks to the viewers at home, as if we can physically hear her! And not only that, she refers to us as "people". But the kicker of it all? Why does she constantly call her panel guests by their first AND last names? As in: "Tell me, Scott M Smith, are you saying you agree with killing small animals..." For real Nancy, come on now, just stop it. You annoy me. I guess I don't really like her that much afterall.

3. Crimminals on C.O.P.S......Why why why do all the bad guys on C.O.P.S. run? Seriously, Mr. John Q. Crimminal in your bloody wife beater... we are watching video stream of your chase, that's being filmed from 3 helicopters following your every move. Do you honestly think you are going to out run it? Because frankly, if you are able to outrun those helicoptors, then I really want to meet you! I'll even post your bail. But in the mean time, please give us all a break here, and just get your hands behind your back, your wasting my tax dollars. Bad boy, bad boy, whatchu gonna do? I wanna miranda-ize you.

4. Valium..... How come everybody can't take it? America would finally be at peace, there'd be no more violence, and quite honestly, it wouldn't matter in the least who our flippin' President is! Just my own warm fuzzy thought. But that's just me, and I always want everyone on valium. Myself included.

5. Britney Spears, BiPolar and hair extensions..... ok ya'll!

6. Mean teachers..... Is there a special class for that? Because I majored in education for about half of a semester, and I never saw anything like that in the curriculum or on the syllabus. (not saying wasn't there, just that I personally didn't see it) So where is it? And how do I sign up? 'Cause honestly, the doctors won't give me any more xanax and well, I thought I might be able to teach a class like that. I'm not kidding.

7. Polygamy.....This is rather old news, but still to this day I'm baffled by it. Thinking back about the Texas compound polygamy abuse fiasco, I just had one or two things to say about it. Numero uno, what in the sam hell? Are you seriously kidding? As if having one bitchy wife isn't enough, you want multitudes of them? (that explains our nation's xanax shortage...) And to top that off, you want 47 children? Ok wow, because I have 2 kids of my own and don't even want them! These people are truly insane.... Maybe even more than Britney. I don't even care about the abuse, I just want to know why those idiot men want 7 wives and 95 kids!

8. Scientology..... I just have 2 words to say about this dumbfounding stupidity. Tom Cruise & Aliens.... Yep, thinkin' those two together in one sentence is waaay more than enough info to keep me away from this "religion". And for the record, it is not a religion. Get off the couch Tom, you irritate me.

9. Hurricanes hitting New Orleans.....Yes, we already know. We live in a place where our most productive industry is dumping bodies in the bayou, our favorite pastime is topless women on Bourbon, and our most famous celebrity is The Water Boy. But can't God just leave us alone already? We're flipping sorry, we know we're bad! But why did God have to send that swirling air blender named Katrina down on us, just to put an end to Mardi Gras. Was it giving Easter celebrations too much competiton? Fine! We'll tone it down! But most of us down here don't have any insurance and now all we have to do, is sit around bitchin' and complaining about living under water! (or go on tele-thons crying and singing, begging for money, whichever) Besides, Katrina was named after a nasty telephone call girl ho, just sayin...

"Union, Justice & Coonasses!"

10. Southern Slang..... Enough with the ridicule! Look, we get it, okay? We live here. We know we talk differently than ya'll, but why must America make so much fun of us? It's a really big deal for us to get to cross that state line. But the second we do, people gotta start pointin' and laughin'! Dangit, we don't know any better! Every single person we know talks like this, and it's just not funny. We say ya'll, and ain't, and fixin' to... and the spelling of our words are seriously jacked up with all the eaux's and stuff. We ain't got no counties, we got parishes. And yep, everyone of them starts with "Saint". But it's all we know so stop hatin' on us... Or my brothers Boudreaux, Thibadeaux and Bubba will git-er-done. And that's why we hide bodies in the bayou.

Racial & Religious Hypocrisy or Ethical Ignorance?

2009-10-15T13:31:00.001-05:00

The Preamble...we may not be able to remember all of it, but I'm certain we can state a couple of lines from memory. Think back, will you? It goes something like this:

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense..."

Sound familiar? Almost as well known as "Four score and seven years ago". In all honesty, I love the wording of our forefathers from the yesterdays. Yet, my favorite words don't stem from Lincoln, Washington or Jefferson. They originate from one particular place in time, dated as August 28, 1963, and they begin like this:

"I Have A Dream... I have dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of it's creed: That 'we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal'."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Just as Martin Luther King, Jr. said so many years ago, I too, also have a dream. I have a dream today! A dream, which believes that from every mountainside, freedom should be able to ring. Yet, because of our own self-serving hypocrisy, those snow capped mountains can not ring because they are drowning in the churning waters of despair, crippled with discontent. They are never going to ring. We are completely removed from the path of racial tolerance and religious freedom, so much so, that we can't hear the mountain's ringing even if they were. Because frankly, no sound is there.

I was born and raised in the deep south, in the middle of the Bible belt. Louisiana just doesn't get any more southern. It's a state where we speak a little bit funny and play hard in the mud. A place where yes, "we" even tolerate and encourage prayer in our public schools. Although, I do not include myself in the "we" group. I have nothing against God, I just don't agree with bringing the Word into our schools. Religion is a personal, and private choice, that shouldn't be made for us or for our children. But that's just my personal opinion. So even though I am southern born and bred, I have just never agreed with, or accepted, our nation's outlandish tolerance for discriminatory behavior. The older I become, the stronger my voice becomes as well, and the louder I can speak. I have an extremely strong belief in advocating against the dischords of injustice, whether it be for myself, or others, who's civil rights are violated. As you can imagine, friends don't come quickly when you constantly stand tall, sweltering in the discontented heat. Within the dark corner's of our society, there are serious problems with the attempt to secure our "guaranteed, unalienable rights", which we were promised so long ago. I believe King said it best, when he described our nation's withering injustices as a promissory note that came back marked, "insufficient funds".

America, the land of the "free" and the home of the brave, needs to be shaken from it's ignorant sleep, so that today, this day, we as a people may finally receive those rights and acquire our long ago promised freedom. True, it has already been written...signed sealed and delivered. But delivering it to Congress, doesn't ensure it has been given to the people. Our people. We, the people.

Take a leisurely stroll down Main St., Small Town, America. There is no evidence of freedom here. People of color still live on the other side of town. The less fortunate are ridiculed because they cannot acquire the comforts and nicer clothing afforded to the suburbian wealthy. Tremendous and small minded backlash occur daily, almost to the point of exile, when fellow community members have the audacity to "opt out" of the path being placed upon them by neighbors and friends. Those who decide to not attend the neighborhood's "approved" house of worship, or conform to their standard way of thinking. Society refuses to believe and/or accept any notion that someone, anyone, may not believe in the same ideals. They are not capable of being even slightly tolerant, for those who believe outside of the box. But there are those of us who do, and can, live in a tolerant open frame of mind. It doesn't make us wrong, it doesn't make IT wrong, and it certainly doesn't make us deserving of hypocritical persecution. Day after day, in our own personal quest for that piece of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" dream, we are consistently met head on with our own nation's narrow, small minded brothers and sisters. We are consistently punish in our day to day lives, for not following the "norm", for getting out of the box of stupidity. So I ask you, why CAN'T people of mixed races marry? Are they two different species? Does it hurt you, or someone else? Are they not "people", same as you or I? And why CAN'T I believe in Allah, or Ghandi, or Buddha...or nothing, if that's what I choose? Does it hurt you? Should I be punished? Should I be made fun of? Should I be hated? Why is it wrong, if I believe differently than you? Why? But you do.... and I am. But, for the record, I am in no way stating what it is that I actually believe in for myself, in regards to God, religion, or even a lack thereof. My personal convictions are just that....personal, and will remain a private matter. I just simply have a deeper belief, that my ability to choose what I DO lay claim to, supercedes the actual belief's themselves. And THAT, is what is "self-evident" to me.

If we cannot, as a united people learn tolerance, embrace freedom for all who desire it, and begin to accept the individual differences in man, we will never be free from the burning moral gut of our tragically conceited mistakes. Until then, we as Americans, who live in this arrogant nation that we alone created, can learn to stifle our greedy desire for power, we will never see peace. Ever. For it is not our foreign policy, as it's so incorrectly perceived, that creates the need for war and makes other countries hate us.... It is religion; and our nation's refusal to accept people who look different, speak different, or simply believe different.... whether here in our homeland, or abroad. That being said, the plain truth of the matter is, we should have the right, as people, regardless of sex, race or religious preference, to be free from punishment and persecution at the hands of our own brothers. Not because we think we're better, or more deserving, but because it is what's morally RIGHT. And right for everyone, in every country, on any land. Black man, white man; women or children; Christian, Jew or Muslim... we are each deserving, because we are one people; flesh of the flesh, and our blood is all red. We are one human race. Because of that one single fact, we deserve to be free. Whether we truly are makes no difference, we should have that basic human right. Equality, for all of mankind.

Even though I may walk along my path alone, be ridiculed and judged, I will never back away from my own personal convictions, that seethe from the hypocritical standard of society's need for conformity. So while I walk alone, I will remain unmoved by the incessant pleas from my fellow man, to stop promoting what is morally correct. I will be satisfied to trek along in that valley of the shadow of death. I will never fear evil, or be frightened to speak aloud, against those chains of discrimination, because after all, aren't we suppose to "hold these truth's to be self-evident"?

To believe, or not believe. To agree, or disagree. To take a stand, or remain silent.... personal choices, free from abuse, promoted with peace, honor and dignity. Just as Marting Luther King, Jr., said so beautifully... I too, also want "justice to roll down like water, and the righteousness like a mighty stream". And I will not be quiet, until it does.

"Because MY religion, is freedom FROM religion, the freedom of speech, and freedom for all"

Welcome To Hollywood...Cajun Style!

2009-10-14T13:04:00.002-05:00

Louisiana has always been a culturally diverse state, even by our own standards. In fact, it is probably the MOST diverse area in the entire country! From the cajun French, to our traditional southern suburbia living, La is frankly just a cut above all else. We not only play host to the French Quarter down in The Big Easy, but also small town Friday night football and metropolitan night life. Crawfish etoufee', jambalaya, Mardi Gras and the mighty LSU Tigers, yes, Louisiana has definately got the hook.

Our Dirty South is also becoming increasingly popular with Hollywood's film industry, fastly approaching the number one "go to" hot spot for producers and directors alike! Chiseling out a nitch that offers the filming industry excellent incentives to bring celebrity entertainment and production down here to The Pelican State.

Having already played host to over 72 movie films and television shows post production, Louisiana offers what other states can not....stable climatry, southern hospitality, beautiful landscapes and a complete lack of paparazzi. Along with glamor and gumbo, we also lay claim to the best casinos this side of Las Vegas. Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock and Ashton Kutcher are just a tiny fraction of those A-List stars that have donned our local area with their celebrity status and suprisingly, have even offered up some casual conversation with us locals. Although Shreveport-Bossier is slowly getting used to our new turn of celebrity status, our love for anonymity is probably one of the most desired reasons that Hollywood starlets are eager to stop by and work a bit down here in Tiger Country. Because we leave them alone and mind our own business. Like we should.

But yes, admittedly, native Louisianians can, and do become star struck just like the rest of the fans out there, and of course we can feel slightly enamored after bumping into a Hollywood hottie every so often. But normally, we are in such disbelief that we stood in line at Target next to Jessica Simpson, that it usually renders us speechless. Stopped frozen in our tracks, we become dazed and confused. Simply left to question our own sanity silently as if such an occurance actually took place on aisle 7. Did we actually see Miss Celebrity XYZ? We don't really know, we just silently stare and ponder at the thought. The good ole' southern hospitality we were all born and bred with would never allow us to be so brazen and approach a celebrity without first seeking permissable consent, no ma'am. Dirty South manners, at work in their finest traditional form, and yeah, we got 'em! On the other hand, us cajun folks know exactly how to party like a rock star, and could probably show those A Listers a thing or two about how it really should go down, but none the less, yeah...we'll still leave you Beverly Hills Kids alone to carry on with your moving making careers.

Honestly, in our true to form southern style, we like having our new found west coast California friends down here. We don't really want to talk to you too terribly much, or have some type of relationship with you people, but it does give us a splendid "story to tell opp" down the road a bit, in some future place or time. We don't feel the least bit guilty about using the stars for our own advantage and coolness factor. We don't even really mind if you close our roadways for several weeks at a time, or prevent us from entering our favorite businesses because of filming. Zyedeco folks are too laid back to let such trivial irritants bother us...we'll just find another way around to get where we need to be. Besides, swamp natives really love to go off-roadin' and we'll snag any excuse we can find to violate traffic laws and drive in the dirt!

After Hurricane Katrina slammed into our fantastic state leaving it in total devastation and in shambles, movie production headed north (along with everyone else!) to Shreveport Rock City. Once legislators realized the opportunity and quickly seized it, they pounced on the chance to do everything necessary to secure our number 4 spot in Movie Maker Magazine. (2008) Shreveport-Bossier soon became Anywhere, World. By offering the most aggressive tax incentives in the country, local officals wasted no time brokering deals to ensure streamlined paperwork and permit processing rushing. Thus, cajun country, where we take off the long O's and replace them with an "eaux" began it's treck to legendary status as the "Hollywood South".

Our small town USA has been transformed into places such as NYC, Paris, Alaska, Africa, Guantanamo Bay and Amsterdam. Celebrities are everywhere....in our bakeries, grocery stores, local malls and hardware stores. Although it can be seemingly hard to recognize them at times without their 21 car paparazzi procession following (I mean, stalking) them. The only real difference between our before and after, is no local resident dare leaves home without their camera in tow. You just don't know who you'll brush elbows with!

Last week, Mayor Cedric Glover announced the new "Shreveport Bossier Film Trail", which leads you down a 21 stop path at the numerous spots in our area that are already featured on the big screen....local architecture can be seen in such movies as "Mad Men", "Disaster Movie", "Premonition", "W", and "The Mist". More recently filmed, was the newly released "My Mom's New Boyfriend", and I have to say, I heard it wasn't too bad. In all honesty, we don't really care if they are heading straight for a nomination, or if it has complete box office flop written all over it, yep, we're still going to watch them, and we're going to watch them all. Because, well, heck yea....they're filming them in our backyards, and frankly it's pretty cool. It's crazy really, seeing all this Hollywood ho hum buzz around our home town, in the places we work, shop and play. But I suppose, if we're being somewhat realistic, these Los Angeles guys have been here for a few years now and truthfully, we like it well enough!

'Cause it's Louisiana ya'll! The home of the Big Easy, of groove and gumbo, LSU football (Geaux Tigers!) and now, obviously Anywhere, World..... and it's seriously flippin cool.

I saw them filming "Battle: Los Angeles" the other day. I have to say, quite impressive really. So here's to you, Sandra, Denzel, Kevin, Ashton and Samuel L....Welcome! Welcome to Hollywood, CAJUN STYLE!

Goodbye Uncle Sam!

2009-10-13T15:45:00.002-05:00

After living and enduring the life of a military spouse for the past 14 years, my time with the United States Air Force has come to a close. My journey and marriage to Uncle Sam (and my soon to be ex husband) has ended. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been perfect. Still in all, there are probably things I will miss. Can't think of any right now :), but maybe one day I will. It takes years to acclimate, accept, adjust and survive being a military wife. I believe it to be one of the hardest jobs a spouse can face. So I would like to take a few moments, to reflect and remember, that which I am leaving behind, and let my civilian friends have a little insight as to what being a military spouse is really all about.

Military life becomes so ingrained inside your head, that after a time you actually begin to think that the outside civilian world is the oddity! Everyone single person you know, everyone you have contact with....friends, neighbors, co-workers, doctors, dentists, bosses; everyone... wears Blues or camoflauge. Your son's pediatrician? Yep, camoflauge uniform, black combat boots with a white jacket on top! In time, you learn the geographical lingo like the rest of them. You stop referring to towns and cities by their given name, and only speak in terms of 'base location'. You aren't from Bossier City, you're from Barksdale AFB. Your husband isn't TDY (that's temporary duty...where they send your hubby off to wherever they want, to usually play war games or some stupidity) but no, he's not TDY in Las Vegas, he's at Nellis. And no, you are not about to pack up and move to England, you're going to Lakenheath AB, home of the British Royal Air Force. Yet, you actually do grow accustomed to seeing security forces all around you, standing at the gas station with AK-47 assault rifles strung over their shoulders, while you make a mad dash for some smokes and beer. And oh, the wonderous joys of bringing your excited children to the Commissary to pick up their birthday cake, only to be met at the entrance by scary looking military militia personel wearing their chem-warfare get up, totin' M-16 machine guns along with them....LOADED.

You don't have a spouse, you have a "sponsor", and you are classified as a "dependant", with no name, only a number. Which just happens to be, your husbands last 4 of his SS, followed by your marital code. (30 is 1st wife, 31 is 2nd wife) And the same goes for your children. Last 4 of the sponsor's social, ending with the child code.... 01, 02, 03 etc. I've lived for 14 years, as XXXX-31, and wondering when it would finally occur to the Air Force, that I am a 31, not a 30? HELLO??? SECOND WIFE!!!! Just one of the many perks.

But how about the lovely "Freedom of Information Act".... such a wonderful thing, it is. If we, as military spouses actually HAD IT! Freedom of information my ass! Maybe you civilians out there get a little bit of it, but we certainly don't. Always having to keep that mobility bag stocked and ready to go. Ready to be thrown inside the cargo bay of a plane headed to "we can't say". Middle of the night phone calls, in which you must then drive your spouse to the squadron hangar, and put him on some secret looking aircraft, headed for some "classified" unknown destination. You don't know where he's going, or when he's coming back. Try explaining THAT to your crying left behind children. "Mommy, where is daddy going?"...."I don't know, probably to go drop some bombs on our latest and newest enemy... you know, 'cause if they aren't one of us, they're the bad guys"...."But noooooooo! When is he coming home??"...."Sadly little 3 year old, your guess is honestly as good as mine, but hey! Don't cry! Let's go shop for (insert soon to be missed holiday here)! Freedom of information sucks!

Yet, even though your families lives are constantly in a state of confusion, afraid of what's next, you still give it your best effort to provide some sense of normalcy for your children. Casting to the wayside the thought that a set of orders could come at any given moment, (or worse, the unmarked navy blue car visits you in the middle of the night while the men driving it are carrying a carefully folded flag and are in full military dress), but I'm leaving the more depressive scenerios out of this.... so, you receive those orders, that will require you to pack and move (again) to another foreign city or country, forcing you to start all over, and all you can do is accept it, and take it with a grain of salt. You make new friends, enroll in new schools, change doctors, find a new home.....and then ooops, daddy's going back to war, (again) leaving you all alone in your new surroundings to pick up the pieces. Sadly, you just become used to the sheer madness of it all. You keep your same routine in place. You pack, and unpack, settle in and just adjust. Then one day you wake up, and realize, that it just doesn't bother you anymore. Except, after you make friends with some new civilian folks, and they are constantly talking about how their little precious babies are headed to grandpa's and grandma's for the night/weekend. You think to yourself, "damn they're lucky! I haven't seen my parents since last Christmas!" But that's just how it is... us military folk see our extended family about twice a year.

I know what you're thinking! Being a member of the Armed Forces has many great benefits!! All that tax free shopping, free healthcare, the works! But let me explain to you, exactly how all that great "crap" really works. See, in the Air Force, we have what is called, "Active Duty Military Personel have Priority". Please, let me explain it to you! Come along, and let's go to the BX, shall we? (and seriously, have you really SEEN the crap they sell there? Please... I'd rather shop anywhere, and pay the dang Boston Tea Tax, than waste my time at the BX) but ok, let's go anyway. We have our screaming kids in tow, (I think?) and we have all of our wonderful tax free goods. We make a beeline for the register, but ooops! What is this? Oh yeah..... Active Duty Personel have Priority. What does that mean exactly, you ask? It means you just landed on "lose the next 2 hours of turns", cuz you get to go to the back of the line baby! Yep, when in uniform, military personel get to go FIRST!! So back it up hooker, and take your screaming kids with you.
Scenerio numero dos: Your 2 month old baby, has been crying and riddled with a 105 fever all night long. You've got to drag yourself out of the bed at 7:00 am sharp, the minute day break hits. Because, yep! That's when the lines open for the 2nd Medical Group Clinic. Granted, you won't speak to a person, but you don't get a choice, so go ahead and call... call them! (this one is always fun!!) And by the way, you only have a 30 minute window, so dont mess around. Breakfast and the school bus for your other children are just going to have to wait! You call at straight up 7:00. Then you sit on hold for the next 30 minutes, and then at precisely 7:31, the automated voice answers, informing you that there are no available appointments for that day, and to please try back again....TOMORROW! And hell yeah, all Active Duty Personel have Priority!!!!!! Because THEY get to call starting at 6:30, and take ALL THE DAMN appointments! Better luck tomorrow honey, hope you're kid makes it through the night! (and yes, this is exactly how it works, no exaggeration)
Scenerio numero tres: God forbid you become "with child", because not only will you husband probably not be there for the birth, but will also miss about half of the future birthdays as well. Luck, just isn't on your side sweetie. But I hope you have a little bit, so just maybe, in an act of God himself, you might get the luxury of seeing the same OB/GYN doctor more than 2 x's in a row! Realistically, it just doesn't work like that here in military land. Just when you get used to undressing in front of the still unfamiliar physician, you arrive at your next appointment only to be told that suprise!!! Your obstetrician has... PCS'ED! (that would be a permanant change of station, or rather, has MOVED! You lucky civilian bastards!!!) So get to the back of the line, little pregnant momma, you're doctor just received some Active Duty Prioritization.... to another base! You gettin the picture, right?

But yes....no matter what is thrown at your way, you just become used to it all. The whole, "Im sorry, I can't attend the parent teacher conference because I have nuclear weapons training that day" actually makes you slightly proud. You tend to forget to be bothered that you and your children pull that short stick over and over and over. You are dependent XXXX-31! And almost, proud?! There comes a day, in which you not only learn the lingo, but you even understand all the confusing acronyms.... AFSC, TAC, SAC, ACC, NCO, 2A53X, OSI, 1st Shirt....(much like texting, but way harder!) Squadron Commander, Flight Commander, Group Commander, Wing Commander, Base Commander.... chain of command, Commander in Chief.

You strangely marvel at the dynamics and the beauty of the Air Power living beside you.... B-52, B1-B, F-15E, F-16, CV-22 Osprey, F-22 Stealth Fighter, SR-71 Blackbird. Amazing really. Front row, flightline exclusive seating for impromptu Space Shuttle landings. And I just can NOT leave out the fabulous Class 6! That's the military liquor store, 'cause yeah, us pregnant little momma's need our daily dose!)

All in all, it's not too terrible of a lifestyle; if you can learn to adjust to being just a lowly number in the system, a mostly single parent, used to seeing men run around with scary weapontry, obsessive boot shining in front of late night television, ironing camo during dinner, and always....always, remembering that you come last. Because like they say in the Air Force, "If we would have wanted you to have a wife and children, we would have ISSUED them to you!" Honestly, it's been an okay ride, and somewhat of a decent life. But I can seriously say now, "NO THANK YOU!!!! So long Uncle Sam, this chick ain't wearing THAT ring any longer! I'm out of here, and THRILLED!!!" Good bye, military. Good bye, Uncle Sam. Good bye, camoflauge. And good bye NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!

I've done my time. 14 years worth... I have the scars, and I have the knowledge. And frankly my dear Scarlett, I just don't give a damn. I don't want it anymore, and I'm good.

*writers note: If you ever, do happen, to find yourself inside a military establishment.... Do not speed. They don't like it too much. Just sayin..... :)

Just Say'n....

2009-10-12T18:59:00.017-05:00

A great friend, to whom I have to give due credit, said these two words one day.... "Just Sayin" - and yeah, I stole it... Good and dang stole it, right out from under him. But not only did I steal it, I managed to get all of my friends to use it. In everyday language, and all over the internet. So much so, that now, my dear friend, feels he can never use his own beautiful saying again. I suppose I owe him for it, which frankly, is the point of this latest post. I'm not just a catch phrase stealing ho, but I also am just a girl, who realizes the error of her theiving ways, and would like to take the opportunity to give one of my best friends, his due credit. Just sayin.... :)

Yes, it was HIS catch phrase... and I know what you all are thinking, that he is not the ONE single person responsible for creating such a phrase, as "just sayin", and everyday other folks say it all the time. But see, my and my friend, well, we pretty much think we're the closest thing to perfection basically, and I'm gonna to ahead and say that YEAH, he coined it totally. And then, like the true great perfect friend that I am, I stole it.... just sayin. :)

But what does that phrase mean, really? "Just Sayin".... two little words. So very simple, yet all encompassing. Two word perfection, it seems. As wonderful as those words are, and the joy I get from plastering them all over myspace and facebook, forced me to take a closer look at what they actually mean. Seriously, 174 comments on a facebook update, all ending in "just sayin" has got to mean something! Such grandeur, really. To be able to throw those stolen words around, for others to also say and use. The desire for such coinage was just too great, to not really dig down deeper, and discover what they truly mean! What is it about those 2 little words, that I love (and now, so do all my friends) about them? Maybe because they weren't really mine? Maybe because I just like how they sound? I seriously don't know, I just like them is all. But I am thinking that maybe it's just that those 2 tiny words, can add so much to the end of a sentence, and make it, well, just feel good! An all inclusive, all encompassing catch phrase. And you stole it, right out from some innocent person. What a warm feeling... the victim feels they can never use their own thing again, but isn't that the entire point of stealing? And no, this isn't my attempt at serving some self discrimminatory blog posting about nothing. Really, it isn't. "Just Sayin", is the greatest thing of all. I can say it, you can say it, we can all say it!! Except my friend, he refuses to use it again. Just sayin.... :)

But, because it was kind of wrong (fine, I admit it!) of me to steal from a friend, and perform the ultimate betrayal upon him, I decided to make something good come out of it. So what I've done, is create a list, of my top 5 reasons of using just such a catch phrase, gifting to you, the masses, my creative and stolen wisdom, in the hopes that my theivery error can be forgiven. And no, I don't want ALL the credit, just a little is all. Sometimes, I can be such a monster. I really hope that this makes up for my bad behavior with my friend! So here goes... my top 5 list of times when you should absolutely, without a doubt, use the phrase, "Just Sayin"...

1. When being pulled over by the police after a night of heavy drinking and partying. When officer Billy Bob (forgive me, we live in the deep south, and all badge patrolling law enforcement is named in such a manner) requests to see your license and registration, give it to him. Don't argue. You can do that later, when your spouse posts your bail. Eventually, you know that Officer Bob is going to notice your slurred language, and the reeking of alcohol (or worse) on your breath. Your going to have to take the walk, spell the alphabet backwards (which honestly, no sober person can do either, whether from the south, OR the north, so don't feel too terrribly bad about failing this one, just sayin) and then you will have to blow into the big and scary... BREATHALIZER. But never fear, you do have rights, and you can invoke them at any time. Doesn't mean you won't go to jail, but just pointing out that you DO have them. After you fail your tests miserably, the one question the police love to ask us, is are we aware of what illegal event we are being accused of. IE, "Are you aware, Ms. Reding", that you were going 115 in a 35 mph zone? um, yes but I'm a Cullen?", or, "Ms. Reding, are you aware that you have not had insurance in the state of Louisiana since 1985? um, yes, but I also have a good explanation for that one, I just can't remember what it is because of my alcohol consumption?" Please step out of the car ma'mam..... So yes, they are going to ask you, if you have been drinking. Just tell em straight up, be a stand up guy/girl. Down here, we might be drunk, but we still have our southern manners, and we aren't liars! "Yep, officer Billy Bob, I have been drinking. I have the best friends, and we've been out all night long, partying it up drinking and dancing. Went to a few strip clubs, made a little money playing illegal poker, and well, yep, I'm inebriated and have been having a grand ole time!" After your spouse makes your bail, (if you aren't in divorce court yet) and you go before the judge on Monday morning..... and he states all your drunken highway confessions to Billy Boy back to you. You just take one look at the politically motivated and probaby paid for judge, and you say: "I know what I said, and I just want to say: I take NONE of it back, as a matter of fact, let me out of here so I can do it again, my friends are waiting with a 6 pack of Natural Light for me!! And by the way, I did NOT vote for you, Mr. Honorable, "Bought & Paid For" Judge, because you really freaking suck, and politics are full of hypocrites. Just like church on a Sunday morning! ..... SO!! IM JUST SAYIN!!!!" Yep, you're going down, but you will be remembered. And I'm just sayin... :)

2. When your kids ask you why there will be no Christmas presents this year from Santa.... you look them square in the eyes, and state: "Because you have been the absolute worst children this side of man kind. You don't listen, you don't pick up your toys, and frankly, you don't deserve presents this year. I'm tired of your incessant whining, and really, you're the reason I drink and got my 3rd DUI offense last night...." And as they plead, and beg for your parenting mercy, you just respond back with "La La La, I am not listening to your 5th grade immaturity.... just sayin!" :)

3. After realizing your Wal-Mart grocery total is $597.23, and you only have 3 bucks in your wallet, no explanation is actually needed in this fun scenerio. Give the checker your 3 bucks, ask for your change back in small unmarked bills, and state: "Just sayin!" Then attempt to walk out with your 6 buggies full of unpaid items. So classic, this one. Just sayin.... :)

4. Everyone who is a parent with an ADHD child, and probably some just plain ole parents, without the luxury of a medical diagnosed scape goat child, has recieved one of those dreaded phone calls from the school of attendance. Your child, has committed the ultimate (but usally funny) offense, and now you're being informed of his or her actions. As that black cloud looms overhead, and your mind drifts off from what the idiotic teacher is ranting about, (this time!) simply, and in true "just sayin style", ignore her! She's unworthy of your time. When she finishes, and asks if you are still on the line (and assuming that you ARE still on the line at this point) ask HER if she knows how perfect your child is, and how stupid and irritating she is for bothering you with such educational drama..... simply ask her: "Ms. Dumb A$$ So & So? Did you arrive on this planet from Mars? Are your true geneological parents aliens with big green heads? I'm not listening to your whining and complaining for one more hot second! You seriously are uneducated and were probably fired as a stripper for not being able to make your pimp enough money. Did you even go to "collige"? And now great, you're a teacher!!! So shut up talking about my precious angel! Just sayin!!!" :)

5. We've all done it. Spent all the hard earned money from our spouse, with no explanation other than "I Dunno?!" And so, in true marital argumentative style, the fight ensues. Allegations, and harmful words begin. Throwing out names like ice picks on a Saturday morning. Painful words, stabbing sort of words, evil sharp tongued slanderous accusations. Voices become raised, and the kids are threatening to call the law. Such wonderful parenting actions, really. And if it isn't the children scared for their own lives, it's probably the neighbors. But never fear, I have the ultimate solution for the masses out there, who have found themselves in just such a position. And honestly, haven't we all been in just such a position as this? Just one of the warm and wonderful perks of marriage bliss. But just stop right there. Cease your fightin' words! Simmer down a bit. Take a breath. Breathe out, breathe in....There is no need for such atrocities!! As you can probably guess by now, you know good and well what I'm going to tell you say. And you are right. Just those two simple, but outstandingly wonderful words. Look your spouse dead in the face, and state the following: "Honey, I love you (or not, just speaking generally here) and yes, I spent our entie savings on nothing but designer handbags, designer jeans, and 65 pairs of fantastic stilletto heels. No, I did not need all of these items. But, damnit, I WANTED them... (and then, you just smile, and proceed to add in the coup'de gras) See, the fact is, is that I wanted them!!!! And it's already done, and they ain't going back! (yes, down here in the south, we use the word "aint"... it means aren't. And for the record, we also use Ya'll, and we like it. So don't correct me, just sayin...) I bought them, and guess what else, I DONT CARE... JUST SAYIN!!!!!!" Yes, you will undeniably end up in divorce court after your 6 month waiting period is over with, but just think, you will be able to shop as much as you like, spend as much as you want, and never have to argue your need for a Prada handbag ever again. And as a matter of fact, you can purchase your designer, yet necessary, items, with your new found source of income: alimony and child support. That will show him a thing or two!!!! Just sayin..... :)

**writers note: after grasping the lovely concept, of "just sayin", please make sure you give credit where credit is absolutely due. It should read as follows: "To the humorously wise friend, who shall remain anonymous..."(and whom I just can't let out of the bag you see, because well, he has the most amazing eyes, and they might do the same thing to you, as they do to me....and I can't be having none of that! But who would also like to use his own prison shank, to watch his Ex bleed out in a Hello Kitty Blood bank, and is also as crazy as I am :) just sayin....) "yet, completely credit worthy and deserving" (who, I might add, can bust out a groove as good as me) "and all props shall be given, and dubbed forever more upon, the friend of the crazy and sometimes comically funny internet blogger, sometimes wild and beautiful, sometimes crazy... but always good for a laugh, the one and only Elizabeth (full name, used purely for effect) a certifiable catch phrase thief!" :)

And YEAH, IM JUST SAYIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bourbon Street, USA

2009-10-12T18:09:00.007-05:00

We've all heard of them.... those 7 majestic wonders of the world. Even Kimberly Locke, who rose to American Idol fame with her beautiful pipes, tried to secure a spot for her un-named lover, as the 8th wonder. But I'm here to announce, my own fantastic opinion on such the idea of an "8th wonder", hereby snatching that title from Kim's anonymous lover... and frankly, if he must remain anonymous, he probably doesn't deserve the honor anyway.

That aside, I would like to name (because I am an authority on such matters, just sayin) Bourbon Street, USA as the next wonder of the world. The 8th natural beauty of this fabulous earth. Glorious and beautiful, Bourbon Street is a shoo in, I believe, for just such an honor. And maybe, as native Louisianians (what a spell check nightmare!) do, we take for granted our Bourbon St heritage, not fully realizing that our fellow American countrymen might not have experienced the wonders of the French Quarter? Almost a magical place, there is no place like the Dirty South's geographical location of the Quarter... and yes, it is indeed dirty. Really dirty. Oh so very, very wonderfully dirty. But us southern folk like our fun good and "dirty"! Think, crawfish, boudin and beer.

We like our food spicy and original, and our beer cold. We eat crustaceans that live in ditches, with corn and potaoes. We concoct frozen beverages named after devastating tragic weather events, and 4 a.m. illegal behavior. But it's Bourbon St., and anything goes. Seven days a week, 24 hours a day... except on Sunday mornings, when the street sweeper arrives, giving us Bourbon-ites the opportunity to head to the nearest Cathlolic establishment (and yes, all of our religious buildings begin with the word "Saint", along with our football team, go figure, we love ourselves!) with our rosary beads, and "Hail Mary's" in tow, we hit up the nearest confessional where we get down on our knees and plead for forgiveness. For those who can't make it to plead for priestly mercy, we can be found pleading the 5th at the closest Quarter precinct. But you just have to face it, in Louisiana, throw out enough Hail Mary's, and you're always forgiven. That's a fact! It just isn't a worthy time on Bourbon, if you don't leave our super state with a hurricane hangover, colorful beads from going topless, and a rap sheet... that's just how we roll in the Dirty South.

Even for the most reserved bunch, one night in the Quarter can bring out the deepest, unknown wildest desires and behavior. It's a well known American saying, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", but down here in the south, we like to say, "What happens on Bourbon, usually ends up on the net, (or in jail) and we LIKE it that way!!".... and yes, if I'm being honest, periodically on Joe Francis' Girls Gone Wild videos. Either way, it doesn't count if you can't remember it! No memory or recollection equals one grand time! If you wish, you make take photographs to help jog your brain afterward, but true Louisianians believe that pictures = evidence, and we strongly discourage it. Yet, sadly, I've come to realize, that there are actually living and breathing people, who can not say, "This one time, on Bourbon street..." So I, as the self proclaimed, "Bourbon Queen of the Damned", would personally love to have the majestic honor, of changing that fact in this country! Call it a rite of passage. List it as a prerequisite for graduation of high school. Put it on the requirements of the U.S. Citizenship test. Whatever it takes, really, just get them northern folks down here to the Dirty South....where anything is allowed, and all is forgiven.

Once I secure this procurement, of establishing Bourbon Street as the 8th natural wonder of the world (even though, I firmly believe it should be listed as the FIRST, bumping The Temple of Artemis right on out of that coveted position) I would like to bring to your attention just a few simple words of Quarter wisdom... or reminders, for you first timers.

1. Never keep important items in your pockets. You will lose them...
2. Never put important items in your pack of "Cowboy Killers" (Marlboros, to you non smokers) you will lose them...
3. Never let go of important items in a cab driven by a foreign national. You will lose them...
4. And always, and I mean ALWAYS bring extra brain cells to New Orleans, and our dirty south. Because I can say, with complete certainly and first hand experience, you WILL lose them...

A great friend pointed out to me not too terribly long ago, after enough booze and fun Bourbon Street partake-age, losing everything you own in the French Quarter, well, just seems unimportant and ok, slightly trivial! To us true Bourbon-ites, that typical scenerio just has "good freaking time" written all over it! :) Besides, as my friend likes to say, "If it's not part of your body, don't worry about losing it while drunk!!!" 'cause yea.... that's just how we roll, down here in the dirty south. So bring your skimpiest clothes, and your American Express. Bring your friends, and bring your kin... just don't bring your kids. Unless they're over the age of 5, then by all means, all are welcome after dark... In the dirty, dirty south. And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Seriously.... I want the Nobel Peace prize for this.

The Power Of Fish

2009-10-12T13:11:00.001-05:00

You are probably asking yourself, who gives a rats ass about fish? Two words... I DO! I know, you're thinking to yourself that I, the obsessively indoor kind of girl, has gone completely out of her mind. (this does have some truth to it, actually!) However, my fish story has it's origins which began 5 days ago. I'll start at the beginning....Monday began as any other Monday should, for the "deployed spouse left behind", mother. Reality sinks in, as you frantically try and keep things in order. Kids to school, finals to study and prepare for, work, etc....But then it occured to me, as I had already freely sailed effortlessly through the first 1/2 of my day. Cheerleader practice.... on the other side of town, 4 times a week and the younger ADHD/Autisic child who was going to be seriously pissed having to be drug along.....Now this is no ordinary child, mind you. This is the 9 year old son, who refuses to leave the sanctuary of his room for even candy! Much less, to be drug all over town to further support his older sisters cheerleading career. But off we go..... no dinner, no medication, no gameboy. You can surely picture how THIS story unfolds! (yes, he is still breathing...)Thus begins Tuesday, the next day...... and then Wednesday. I am at my wits end! I can NOT do this for 6 months! This is insanity! Total, round off, back handpring, back handspring, back tuck INSANITY!Enter the fish:I suddenly realize, that nobody was "forcing" me to sit there night after night, fighting off the urges to strangle my kid! Or at the very least, put him on a plane to stay with his deployed dad over seas. We can go, TO THE PET STORE!And so begins Thursday..... The excitment building beyond belief! I had a miraculous, supernatural intervention in my wilted brain! I was back in pure creative form, which had been previously left at the airport that horrible Saturday morning..... The PET STORE! With FISH! I love fish! Fish must be the greatest invention ever! Red Platy's, Goldfish, Sail Fin Mollies................ This is going to be great!!!! HooRah!!The anticipation is unbearable......The time is here. It's 6:55. I slowly and apprehensively turn to my little professional cheerleader, and utter the words...."Today, I'm just gonna drop you off, ok?" She looks at me in disbelief.... shock. I'm her biggest fan. And I'm gonna do what?? I assure her, it will be fine!!I can't get out of the parking lot fast enough!!!! The steady click of my blinker seems to drag endlessly on and on. I begin to count the stupid ticks of the blinker. 46, 47, 48...... Where the hell did this traffic come from?!And then, there it is....... we enter the glorious kingdom. My slavation for the ADHD child. We see it all.... the fish, the guinea pigs, the ferrets, the mice, the cats, and the birds..... Oh, it's all so beautiful! All the diffrernt colors of the fish. We counted every single one!! PetSmart has exactly 357,931 fish, 37 mice, 8 rats, 3 cats, 5 ferrets and 31 birds! Why hadn't I thought of this sooner? God, I amaze even myself at times! Even the zoo doesn't compare to this!!!Sadly, I came to understand, that there is only so much to do within the wonderful walls of PetSmart... We did it all. We saw it all. And we had a blast doing it! As we head back to cheerleader practice, I glance at the clock. WHAT?!? 20 minutes?! This can't be right!! We saw 400,000 kinds of fish in 20 MINUTES?? Someone, wake me up from this nightmare.......So life goes on... another day, another brilliant, divine plane, thrown to the wayside......Back to Plan A.... A one way ticket to Guam for my son.Who likes freaking fish, anyway?

I'm Just Not June Cleaver

2009-10-12T13:10:00.000-05:00

If most of you didn't know, my son is the biggest video game junkie this side of the Nile River. "We" eat, sleep, breathe, dream, obsess over, converse about, and LIVE for video games. (note the "we", as in, I, as a dutiful parent, financially provide these things for him) Oh, how I've tried to get him interested in other things, baseball, football, his bike, ets. Nothing matters, other than those stupid games. And for the struggling ADHD/Autistic child, I am quite capable of imagining how they can be so much fun. Although, the only one I could really play with some effort, was Mario Kart.... all the others, make me dizzy, or were just plain dumb. But realistically, I think video games as a whole, are quite stupid. A wasted use of your brain. And when played day after day, hours at a time, I picture all of the brain cells, being killed off, just like in one of those games.So here's the problem: as he started the 4th grade, he started having some trouble with homework. 5 loooong hours, every night, and THAT was just for spelling!! Medication worn off, feelings on edge, it's a nightmare. One that, as stupid as this sounds, we encouraged. I want my son to eat... (he has several other health issues) we elected to not go with the time released medication, so it would wear off directly after school, then he'd have an appetite, and maybe gain a little weight! But you can only imagine, trying to get someone to sit and down and do homework, after the meds have worn off!So, in my great wisdom, (one of those revelation things again) I took ALL of his video games away from him... & I am talking ALL of them.... Nintendo Gamecube, all 3 gameboys, the Nintendo DS, Wii..........ALL OF IT! Even the television, gone, no more, outta there! Damnit to hell, we are GOING to get that homework done!!! (oh, what a wonderful and attentive mother I'm turning out to be!) From now on, we are gonna be the BEAVER family!!!!! Yes, as in Ward, June, Wally, and the Beave! We'll paint, have homeade ice cream, go for walks, read science books together, watch the history channel, etc...I was thinking, that 1- he would begin to do the homework, and 2- maybe his brain would slow down! and 3- it would make our "family unit" stronger, and more valuable. Although, I had a feeling that making homeade ice cream would take care of that part!!!Of course, that was 6 months ago, and I'm still waiting for it to happen like I thought it would! However, I didn't count on having to go through another deployment, either. Being a single parent will make you do crazy things, that sometimes, well, frankly, look plain idiotic! So now, 6 months after I turned myself into June Cleaver, wih the ole baby daddy laying on a tropical beach somewhere, I am left to my own defenses, with no spousal support to encourage me as I try to be the greatest parent on the face of the earth...So here I sit, on Saturday morning, waiting for the little boy to come crawling out of bed looking for me, wanting some "snuggles" as we call it over here, lazily making his way into my lap asking for the pancakes I promised him last night, and I begin to think about yesterday. Yesterday.... Yesterday, the day June Cleaver died....kind of makes me wanna drive my Chevy to the levy. The end of an era. The end of the world as we know it......You see, yesterday, in all my glory and infinite knowledge, I drove myself to the nearest ToysRus store. I was panicked. Oh, I had already decided to give my baby back the television & hook up the Gamecube, etc. But it just wasn't good enough. He needed more. He needed me. And he needed me to come through for him! He had been punished long enough! His words echoed in my ear. "Mommy, if you get me Pokemon Pearl and Pokemon Diamond, I will be good at Sissy's practice!" What had I been doing to this poor child?! I wasn't June Cleaver! I was me! just me........ And if my little boy wanted/needed new video games to keep him occupied while I drag him all over town, who was I to not give him what he needs! Isn't that illegal?But suddenly, I snap back to reality.... and of course, the reality came after I already had the 2 new games, PLUS a new DS Lite (because I felt so guilty!) sitting on the front seat of the car!! That little brat was only manipulating me! Pure, evil, 9 year old manipulation. And I bought it. Every pleading word........WAIT!!!!! I wanna be June again! I miss her! Where are you June? I need you! Come back to me! Give me the Cleaver wisdom again! I'm begging!!But she is gone. Gone for good. I don't know if I'll ever see her again....... How I must have let June down.God how I love the manipulation of children. Gives you a great feeling, to know that you can be bought, just like that.... but in the end, all the warm kisses, and sweet hugs, our "snuggles", and the 101 "I love yous" through the course of a day, make it every bit of it, completely, and utterly worth it. So go on perfect June, I don't need you any longer. In 5 minutes, my son will be up, laying on the couch with me, telling me ove an over how much he loves me...... then I'll make those dang home made pancakes, and they'll be better than yours, June. A lot better. And afterwards, my little manipulative angel, will venture off into his room to play his new games, and I'll be free to lay around and do nothing.... just how a Saturday morning should be!& I'll keep tellling myself that.... on Mondays, and Tuesdays, and Thursdays and Fridays...... every back handspring my daughter takes, every back tuck, every stunt. I'll just keep on saying it. Every out of town trip, those 7 hour car rides in the middle of nowhere, heading to some other city for another competition, I'll still be saying it. Not convincing, just reminding. And when we're at practice, and I glance over at my little boy, contently sitting quietly with his new games, I'll think about his innocent, child-like manipulation. And if won't even matter..... he's being quiet.and THAT, is what's most important, when your husband is laying on the beach, 1/2 way around the world......

So long, June Cleaver - I'm ELIZABETH and proud.

And Justice For All?

2009-10-12T13:09:00.002-05:00

It's 10:00 ish on Monday night. The phone rings. "Hello?", I cautiously answer. (we don't believe in the power of caller I.D. at my house, so we never know who's calling) At the other end of my phone line, is a man's voice. He wants to know if I am the mother of my daughter. My first xanax induced sleepy thought, is "DUH, who else would her mother be you idiot??".... but then I slowly realize, that this just might not be good. Did I hear him say, this is Officer sombody or another?......No, surely not. My daughter is 2 streets over watching a movie with her boyfriend.But, then again, I swear to God this strange man calling my house this late at night, DID say something about calling from the Police Station. OH UH-UH!! A parents worst nightmare, has just rang my line. This is totally not happening. As if I don't already have enough going on! My first thoughts begin to flood my into my mind. I can't think!! As long as she isn't dead, I won't be mad for whatever stupid thing she's done. Please God, don't let her be dead. I can handle anything else. Not that............."Is she alright?", I ask, officer Billy Bob, trying to sound as calm, and as normal as any other person would be at that moment. And then, the moment comes.... "Yes ma'am, she's fine. She's just in a bit of trouble. We need you to come down here and pick her up.""What?!" Oh Heck no! Did you say trouble? Here I am, 500 thousand thoughts racing through my mind, worried over her safety, and you just said TROUBLE???? Well, if she wasn't dead already, then she was about to be, and actually, I think I will be able handle it! Crap! For a split second, I forget that Keith is 21,000 thousand miles away, and I am the single parent of 2 kids, ONE of which is in the bed asleep, and then obviously, the other is at the FREAKING POLICE STATION! Now I have to drag my son down there with me....."Mom, where are we going??" Nowhere, just get your shoes on and get in the car..... (a.d.h.d kicks in): "But moooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I wannaaaaaaaaaaaa know where we are goooooooooooing!!!" Be quiet. "How much lonnnnnnnger????" Be quiet. "It's soooo dark! Looook at the moon!" Be quiet. I wonder what the temperature of the moon is?! Do you know, mom? Be quiet "MOM!!!!!!!! Where are we GOING??" To go get your 15 year old sister out of JAIL!!!!!!! NOW BE QUIET! "Oh....Ok". Finally, silence.I arrive at the offices of our small town's, world reknowned, vice headquarters, and find the parking lot to be quite interesting. I count cars. 1, 2, 3 town cops, 1 deputy, the boyfriends moms car, friends moms car... Dang, what the heck have they done? This was the big time! It was straight out of Miami Vice, just without all the great looking guys and the pretty ocean views. A real live scene from Cops. I immediately start humming, "bad boy bad boy, whatcha gonna do?", then quickly realize that it's just doesn't seem appropriate right this second.As I enter the station, that's about the size of a bread box, I'm directed to where the little deliquents are seated. I put on my mean face. The really mean one. And then I see her. And she's alive and kicking, sitting there not a care in the world, not the least little bit of remorse written on her face. Whatever she and her friends had done, she wasn't the least bit worried about it. Smiling at me as if I should be proud of the fact that I'm staring at her square in the face, her hair is dyed purple, and we are at the police stationin the middle of the night. Not a single care. Not even a little bit. My idiot child, has been stealing street signs, and rolling houses. There's the sign laying right there. Summer Trail."GOOD JOB....... Nice purple hair", I say to her. Not sure where to go from there. Just pissed that I should be in bed, and here I am with the Haughton 5.0.... Well, we finally make it home..... I'm going to let this sink in, before I respond. And over the course of a few days, I realize, that she has NO remorse. None. Could not care less. As a matter of fact, she claims it was the best night of her life! These are her words, exactly... "Hey mom, I know it's not cool and all, and I have never done anything like this before, but just think about it... In one night, I went rolling, dyed my hair purple, and went to jail for felony theft!!" Is she kidding me?? When all the others were crying, and terrified, MY daughter prays to God to give her "caring" feelings so her mom will go easy on her!!!! She tells officer Billy Bob that the ONLY way he can make her cry, is with freaking pepper spray in her eyes! Wtf?? Is she a sociopath? I ask her that....Finally, I think that I'm getting through to her, giving her the talk about what's right and wrong...she seems to be responding a tad bit. Maybe I can get through to her. It's not about all the homeless street signs, its the fact that you took something that is NOT yours. Get it? It's called stealing. Sure, everyone wants a street sign to hang in their room. And I'm sure that all the street signs of the world are just sitting there on their poles waiting to be rescued by all the youth of our country. Saving them from the heat and cold, and all the weather related atrocities they have to deal with. But, you just can't do it. End of story. (yeah, a little too late, probably) But, I think I'm having an impact on her. When all of a sudden, after 15 minutes of silence, my angel looks at me, and says......"Mom, ..... I AM going to get that sign again!"

Driving Home

2009-10-12T13:09:00.001-05:00

The other day, I was driving home from work & I began to think. Crazy, I know! But there I was, driving and thinking, thinking and driving. Wondering if I would remember to get that dang trash out to the street. Wondering if I would have the energy to clean my bathroom. Wondering, what new color to paint my toenails. My days are long. My kids are bad, and my husband's deployed.But then I started thinking about my Prada purse and how much I love that black satchel of leather. Each sand colored thread sewn lovingly and painstakingly together for my pure pleasure. To spend eternity, hanging on my shoulder as if it's a part my own body. Does it matter, really, that I tote around a $1900.00 purse to the local grocery store in the podunk, hicksville town that I live in? Does it matter, that I always turn it around backwards so the people standing behind me in line at the Wal-Mart can see it? Probably not. But it IS a Prada. And it's beautiful. And it's all mine!So there I am, driving along. Pot hole after pot hole. I'm thinking. Wondering how I, a somewhat successful person, but not really grown up yet, ended up with a Prada purse. Fifteen years ago, I was 18, single with a newborn baby girl on my hip. Living off the system on foodstamps and government cheese. Oh, it was pretty good cheese, by your typical cheese standards. But I wanted something more. Alot more! Better cheese!Fast forward to present time: Married, 2 kids. Both of them bad, but incredibly cute. And I realize, who CARES how I got here?! I am here! And I have traded in those food stamps for Purses! Who cares how many days and nights I had to struggle to survive? I have arrived! And although my life is extremely stressful, I couldn't really ask for more. Well, except for maybe $500 million, a yacht in the Carribean, and mountaintop villa in the Alps, and the deed to the Tiffany's store in NYC. Oh, and Jessica Simpsons body. But for now, I'll settle for her shoes!I pull into the garage, and my drive is complete. As I walk into my house that is completely trashed, I fall into my couch, exhausted from my day. Nothing exciting, nothing special. Nancy Grace talking about whatever on the T.V. I can't even see the coffee table. Head phones, starburst wrappers, couple of remotes, 3 movies from the hill billy video store and a box of Milk Duds. And where are my counters? Did the kids not see the thief who broke in and stole them right off of the cabinets?Tiredness sets in, as I pull my lazy butt out of the couch. I begin to clean up the mess.... then I notice the most important thing of all! My counters are granite! They are! Shiny, brown and black, beautiful granite....And as I get out my Clorox wipes bought at the Dollar General Store for a buck, I clean them off. Slowly, meticulously & obsessive compulsively, clean them off.Peace envelops me. I let my mind fill with the beauty of those black and brown specks, so cold on my hand. The thought, that tommorow, I can get up and put that black purse back on my shoulder, and hold my head up.....This isn't just any old life. It's my life. For a second, I'm in my own little counter top fantasy. Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" is playing in my head. Almost half asleep, my hand reaches for my purse..... and my PILL BOTTLE.I take a valium, because now I have to figure out how to pay for all this crap!!

2 For The Price Of 1

2009-10-12T13:08:00.000-05:00

When God gives you more than you think you can handle, it's so typical to cock your head to the side, and wonder "why". Everyone says, (I'm sure with the best of intentions) "Oh, trust me, God doesn't give to those, whom he thinks can't handle xyz..." But isn't there a limit? Like, a cut off or something? You can't just keep pouring water into a glass that's already full, it just runs over, spills onto the floor, and makes an awful mess... I'm at that "awful mess" place. And believe me, it's not fun to clean up.When my daughter was diagnosed with Chron's Disease, it came as a relief. It was a short journey for us. Confusing and life threatening, yes. But only 6 months worth of doctors, tests, etc. But it is manageable. And we do manage. It doesn't effect her brain, only her GI tract. Our biggest hurdle, is trying to make a 16 year old responsible for taking her own medications!Nobody wants their child to have a debilitating, chronic, uncurable illness. But it's a reality that I, as a parent must face..... I just didn't realize that I was going to get 2 for the price of one.When Alex was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism) it too came as a relief, but not in the same way as his sister's diagnosis. With this, came depression, anxiety, worry about his future, etc. This has been a long journey, and it has only started. Summer's illness came right out of the blue. Symptom after symtpom. Bam.... just like that. She was totally healthy from birth, to one day as sick as I had ever seen any child. We'd get one sickness under control, and then get hit with another. As soon as we figured out what it was, it was better. This time, however, we aren't so lucky. And even as I sit here, watching my son spin around and around and around in repetitive circles, I find myself not totally understanding it at all.I read about different cases of Asperger's, and they all sound like my son, but then sometimes it doesn't sound like him at all. I still find myself questioning the facts, does he, doesn't he? Just when I have convinced myself that he doesn't, he goes off and totally does something completely Asperger's! How do you swallow that your child has a mental disorder, when on the outside he seems so dang normal sometimes? How do you figure out what's going on in his head, in order to help him? How do you win the fight with the school system, and make them see your child the way you do?I find it to be humorous, and sometimes, annoying when people say "Oh, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as he/she is healthy!"..... well, what if they aren't? Do you not love them?! Do you ask for a refund from the damaged good department of the hospital? People, this isn't Wal-Mart, where all you gotta have is a reciept to make it warm and fuzzy! This is life, and it is what we make it.... no more, no less. Count your blessings. Things could be better for some, and way worse for others. And I can't judge, without walking a day in your shoes. And even then, I can't judge, I'm too busy trying to find my own shoes, to worry about yours.So take if from someone, who has been given her share of "runneth over".... because I can assure you, not only is it running over, but it's making a big mess all over the floor..... and after I get done drowing in it, I'll have to clean it up as well.

Things Unspoken

2009-10-12T13:06:00.000-05:00

1. No matter what happens, no matter when it may happen, you can always count on 3 things: It will go either wrong or right, you will learn from it, and life will go on.

2. Wisdom is a far better trait than knowledge. Knowledge is knowing a multitude of factual information..... Wisdom is the ability to discern what facts will lead you down the right path.

3. Having a special needs child makes the world a better place. They teach innocence, complexity, peace, and how to stand up for what’s right. Without my son, I wouldn’t have gained my voice.

4. The greeter at Wal Mart is never who you think they are. It’s a mom, dad, grandmother, neighbor...but they’re probably a psychopath wearing a blue vest with a smiley face button.

5. If you have to special order your food at a drive through, it’s going to be wrong. I promise. Never expect someone who recieves minimum wage to do it right.

6. When faced with adversity, it may seem complex at the time. But in reality, it’s only a matter of deciding yes...or no. I can, I can not. I will, I will not. Simple.....

7. Nobody cares who was the prom queen by the time you’re 20.

8. The greatest gift you can give anyone, is your time. And if you want to put a bow on that gift, give them compassion as well.

9. Besides a tooth ache, childbirth is the worst pain imaginable. I think all men should have to bear children.

10. No matter how fast you drive, you will still get there. Who gives a crap if you’re late... go slow, take your time, and notice those things we take for granted. Or just stick an Aspie kid in the back of the car, and they’ll point everything out for you!

Creative Chaotic Autistic Love

2009-10-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

Well, my friends, it's been a while, hasn't it? I've just been so incredibly busy, that I have no time for blogging here lately.... So, it's Friday night, and I'm bored as..... thought I'd give you a little "Elizabeth's Life and Drama" fix. Oh, where to start.... I'll just start at the beginning. Seriously, do not spell check me, it's not your best look. After the kid's colonoscopies, and Keith went back to Guam to finish his deployment, I have managed to 1. Back into my garage door 2. Kill all of my stupid azaleas 3. Have a meeting at my son's school with nothing accomplished 3. Totally forget a doctors appointment for a biopsy (Which I had today, btw) 4. Spend 5 hours every night on homework with my 4th grader 5. Tick off my 80 year old grandmother 6. Create self induced drama that almost caused me to hire a divorce attorney :) , and last, but not least, find out that my baby boy has Asperger's Syndrome (We think). *collective sigh* So, here's my story: The other day, I was looking up on the internet about Autism. Just plain curiosity, after reading about Jenny McCarthy's son. The article, at the top read - Autism/Asperger's Syndrome. Now, I'm sort of familiar with Autism. We've all seen rainman, stuff like that, right? But "Asperger's"? That's a new one. Never heard of that. It's a form of Autism. High Functioning Autism.......Click. And I began to read. And now, my life will never be the same. Or maybe, the life of my son. Most of you who know me and my son, have probably picked up on his quirky behaviors. His social difficulties, grammatically perfect speech patterns, and his incessant questions about odd things: space, the temperature of the core of the earth :), snakes, computers, etc. And there are so more many things. Things, that for 9 years, have concerned me and bothered me, and yes, sometimes ticked me off! Now, it makes me incredibly sad, to know that I have been so frustrated over Alex's tendencies to the point of anger, and now, to learn, that he's special in his own way. So there I am, reading this article about Asperger's Syndrome. And my thought process comes to a screeching halt. Everything just stops... Time. Breathing. Everything. It's as if the person writing the article is writing about Alex. But how can that be? He doesn't know my baby! What the is this? Is this some sort of stellar practical joke? Symptom by symptom, I check them all off. He has almost every single one. My GOD. But seriously, not really, right? Nah..... So I do another search. I bring up another article. Read it again. And again. And then another one. Asperger's Syndrome. I let the name roll of my tongue, as I try my best to avoid tears. What do I do? I go outside, and ask my friend, listen to this!! Read this! What is this??? Do you think....... I mean, could it be possible? And then, we all kind of sit there, watching Alex. And in our minds, we know. I think back on every little quirk. The hair twisting. Finger rubbing. Even spinning his pacifier when he was an infant, almost compulsively. His "little professor" speaking. His knowledge of particular subjects, and the 865946578 million questions about only one thing. Religiously. Persistently. Compulsivley. Asperger's.......It's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you have a name. I thought I was alone. I thought my son was the only one. But, the more I read, I realize that there are so many other children just like him & I'm sad..... Sad for him. Sad that this isn't something that (we just assumed) he will "outgrow" with time. Sad that, the world is an ugly place to people like him. Sad that, I have misunderstood my child completely. Sad that, I could have helped him sooner, if I had only known. But how can I be sad, and glad at the same time? Who do I talk to? I need to know for sure if he has this..... My first thought, I need to talk to his teacher..... All these years. Wondering, wishing for some sign of normalcy with my baby. But it hasn't ever come. It hasn't. I wanted it to, I did. I wanted my son to have friends, and to play on the playground with other children, instead of just standing there alone. I wanted him to be able to ride his bike like the other kids, to stop asking me 937,000 times about the temperature of the core of the earth in comparison to the sun, and to stop struggling with almost every single thing he encounters. Alex, please please stop twisting your dang hair all the time!!!! To be almost 10 years old, and know that if a stranger offered him a ride to trick him, he would just go!! He doesn't understand. You can say it a million times, and he just doesn't understand! But he can't. And now I know why. Asperger's. One little word. And now, our lives will not ever be the same. I'm still trying to figure out if that's good, or bad. He hasn't been officially diagnosed.... yet. But, I know..... it's only a matter of time. He's so sweet. And so loveable. So naive. SO naive. And maybe now, I can learn to appreciate his quirks, instead of letting them make me angry. To just love him, and stop worrying about his difficulties all the time. It's not going to go away. It's who he is. And now, I think I can smile at his odd little eccentric ways, and know it's just a part of him. It's just who he IS. And he's wonderful. And brilliant. And eccentric........And I love him.

The End of an "Error", The Start of an "ERA"!

2009-10-12T13:02:00.002-05:00

*writer's note: an old blog from a while back, the story remains the same, but the logistics have changed....no more foreign country, just a divorce and a move someplace more peaceful. but the idea remains, so I'm posting it.

When I was a little girl, my momma told me I could become whatever I wanted. One day, she asked me - what do you want to be when you grow up? And I remember looking back at her, with searching eyes, and I said "Momma, I wanna be free."I was born and raised in the south, in a time a place that wasnt meant for me. Even as a child, I knew that I was destined to become something bigger. I was too different to belong inside small town USA, and thus I began searching for my destiny. A destiny that would take me down many different paths, through drowning waters and the suffocation of society. I could never accept the idea of living inside the box. A box, that would try time and again, to force me to conform. My ideas were to big. My thoughts too wide. Over time, I became the person I never envisioned for myself. A wife, a mother, a normalized shell of someone who wasn't supposed to be. I grew complacent, letting my dreams be pushed aside into the shadowed corners of reality. But my inner pull never really left me. A pull to do something bigger, better, wiser. The yearning to embrace my gifts, so that I might finally be free... to be who I was supposed to have become. Childhood dreams are so easily lost. Lost in the flow of ordinary expectations, they become mere memories, faded and dull. We soon forget our "once upon a times", and only to bring them out every now and again. We remove the dust, and polish them like fine silver....remembering them like an old friend, smiling at the fondness of the memories. But then, like that old forgotten friend, we place them gently back only to forget them once more. I've done the same with my own dreams, pushing them to the wayside. Forgetting, neglecting, letting them collect dust. And after all of this time, I have the opportunity to bring my dreams alive. To bring them out once more, arising out of that suffocating dust, and change them from "dream" to reality. I will embrace those dreams that I unintentionally let fall into the depths of the shadows, holding them as I breathe new life into my old friend lost. My dream of seeing the world, and writing of it's wonders, will no longer be just a dream, but my life. And I'm going to take it. I dont know where life is about to take me, what roads I will travel. I will be living in a foreign country, without friends, or my comforts of home. But I will have my life, myself, and that long lost dream of being bigger than this small town.....I'm going to see the world. I am going to be able to live outside the box, outside of the constraints that this place has forced upon me. I will be putting my life, my journey and my words on paper. Maybe one day, as you peruse your local bookstore, there I'll be looking back on you. My words in binding, and my name in print. I'm going to be that person I was born to be, and as you sit with your latte, curled up in a chair, you'll be able to share my journey with me. And although I will miss my friends so badly, I have to take this journey, for my soul. And I will leave, with the powerful knowledge, that never again will have to put my dreams back in that box. No more "forgotten friend" that I allowed to be thrown into the shadows of some sort of yesterday. It may have taken me 36 years, but "Momma, Im gonna be free".

Just A Piece Of Trash...

2009-10-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

Today, I am tired. Deployment sucks. Cheerleader practice sucks. Single parenting (when you're not single) sucks. War sucks..........I try and think positively. But can I just say ONE THING?! This sucks....... You don't really realize how difficult situations can be, until you are faced with them. And they suck. Long days, sleepless nights. And on top of all the added stress, you still have to manage day to day life... and maybe, just maybe, there might be a little time left over for you. But not likely.And it may not even be a complicated situation. But just the added stress can make it feel that way. Example: taking the trash to the curb. 10:00 p.m., pajamas on, sleep is settling in, pondering what atrocities you must over come when you wake up.... then it hits you like a ton of bricks. You forgot to put the trash on the street.

So now you have a dilema. Do you crawl out from under the warm covers, only to be faced by a blast of cold icy air (because earlier you were hot, and turned the thermostat down, and are too lazy to get up to fix it?), or do you lie in bed, almost in dream land, and think there is always trash pick up next week?So you wonder, just how full WAS the can? And you can't remember, because earlier that evening, you demanded that the 15 year old that lives in your house, but is certainly not under your control, take the trash from the kitchen and place in the receptacle outside. So you're faced with a situation. If only you could figure out how many times the trash had been taken out for the week, and estimate about how many bags fit in that ugly blue thing, and think that you just might be able to leave it for a week...

When all of a sudden, a strange but scary noise begins very near to your garage.... Is it an animal? Maybe a racoon. Or possum. Either way, you are NOT going out there now! But it's so hard to hear from the nice warmth of lazyhood. But then again, you do have those 2 children to protect afterall. Racoons can't be THAT scary, right? You're going to have to take care of this, in the icy atmosphere from your bedroom. Get your big girl pants on, take the challenge of parenting sister!By now, you have come to the full, and dismal realization, that you are indeed going to have to get up, get out of the bed, freeze your buns off and go have a look. After all the bag calculations, and ugly blue receptacle estimates, it's well into the night. What once, was a mere 10:00 p.m., has now turned into 1:30 a.m. Have you really been estimating bag sizes for 2 and 1/2 hours? You tell yourself no, that surely you were thinking of some other important issues. World peace, 3rd world country hungar elimination...

But then it occurs to you, no, you have only been counting trash bags. The next hour is spent thinking about where the time went. You think about your husband, and for a second, you get mad. Trash taking is HIS job. Stupid war.The next thing you hear, is the 15 year old person that lives with you. Suddenly you feel elated! She remembered it was trash day too! Hoorah! You are saved..... and just when you feel the warm fuzzies taking over you once again, and you nestle back into the sanctuary of warm clean sheets, you realize that it isn't the trash that has awoken your daughter. It was the sun.And it's another day.

I hope we can get the trash to the street for next week...

Can I Have That To Go?

2009-10-12T12:59:00.001-05:00

Things they just don't teach in public education....

1. The importance of small fluffy animals. Seriously, what makes them cute? Because they're all white, fluffy and furry? Hate to break it down for ya, but hamsters and gerbils are rodentia. Smaller versions of the ones who grace the sewers of our metropolitan metropolis'. The 8th wonder of the world... Got them 2 little teeth that nibble on things, beady evil eyes always looking at you, plotting... And you people pay money for them, stick em in a see through ball, and name em Heidi! I'm just really thinking, that a big dang gray rat scares the crap oughta me just as much as a small fluffy white one. You'd be better of with a Boa Constrictor, at least they'll hug you and stuff... Just sayin.

2. Speed limits... Pretty much I just don't get them, is all. I realize that innmates do need to pay their debt to society by making those signs, and ok, they do need something productive to do other than shanking their rival gang members out in tha yard... But can they just go back to plotting inside assasination attempts, and leave the speed limit signs out of it? Speed limit signs are purely suggestions anyway... I just wanna shank ya.

3. Seriously, I'm really tired of hearing the terms white and blue collar crime. Just saying, really, that ones choice of collar color should be a god given right in this nation by now. And, if I wanted to commit a W/C crime, while wearing a B/C, does this mean I'm exempt from prosecution? I'm thinking maybe! Look, I don't wanna hurt no folks up you see, I just want to take rich people's money for myself, because well, I just want it causin' I aint got none. And not even necessarily at gunpoint mind you, although that is a clever option. Possibly stick it in a hedge fund/illegal money market acc, or even just your standard off shore untraceable bank account. Maybe, just print out the dang dough myself which eliminates the need for the whole armed robbery plan "B". I've just been thinking about the loopholes of illegal crime, and its solutions, and I'm quite convinced that I can't be convicted of a white collar crime if I'm wearing a blue one...it just doesn't match up, and hey, there is nothing wrong with sewing your Bubba name patch on a white shirt, and at Pep Boys, its red collar any how...

. Teenagers and LOL - why, oh why, must teens or kids, and ok, Bill Clinton speak in text language? I really don't get this one. It's as if every sentence in society has just become a confusing acronym. But even more disturbing is talking with such stupidity. I just wanna snatch the texting language pleasure from their vacant little eyes. Example: I go into McDonalds to order a # 6 the other day. "WTM, WICGFYT?" (Um, excuse me?) "IS, WTMWYWLYOFTB??" (Long pause, and a glance around, is anyone else hearing this?) "M! IYGOYSFT, CIAGTFTC!!!" (Spot a teen by the drink machine, chat her up and ask her if she can translate this acronymic mess...) Ma'mam, she said, this is what she's telling you: "Welcome To McDonalds, What I Can Get For You Today?" Then she said, "I Said! Welcome To McDonalds, What You Would Like Your Order For To Be?!" And finally she said, "Ma'mam! Iffin You Gonna Order Some Food Today, Cuz I Aint Got Time For This Crap!" Hmmm, ok then. I thought for just a hot second and responed back, with...LUYLB, IWJROPT, FJTCAMACAK. IWSTHLF20Y, AIAHADCF15OE. RIUK! Which translates into " Listen Up You Little Brat, I Was Just Released On Parole Today, For Jumping The Counter At McDonalds And Cuttin A Kid. I Was Sentenced To Hard Labor For 20 Years, And I Aint Had A Double Cheeseburger For 15 Of Em. Ring It Up Kid." And so my translation friendly teen looked at her, and said uhhh, this lady wants a #6 with a coke, quickly. OMG! LOL! WTF! LMAO... gimme my shank.

5. Hmmm, healthcare, big brother, crime and political reform. But this is just my solution, and is merely an opinion from a girl with a knack for ideas. At birth, from the minute we grasp that initial puff of air into our healthy lungs, I think we should all be given valium. Babies would never cry, which in turn makes for less child abuse, 'cause mommy and daddy are happy. Every Monday, you get your new valium script from the pharm farm, fo free. Medicated adults make for less crime, 'cause mommy and daddy are happy. Nobody would steal, cause we're too gleeful to give a crap that we're broke and homeless. Automatic crime prevention, mommy and daddy are happy. Big brother can watch all they want, 'cause we wouldn't care, we're high from society. But its doubtful they'd see anything anyway, they're on the hook like rest of us. Healthcare? Society is dazed and floatin' on pills, who gives a cares about healthcare?? What did you say? The president is who? No matter, 'cause we're flippin tow up, we don't care, just keep giving us our pipe! Obama is what color?? Duuuuuude, I've never heard of black, right on...is he gonna take Monday Medication Mania day away? Then who gives a darn. We don't care, we're just high on government crack. Mommy and daddy are still happy! So you can see, that by giving everyone in this land of the free, daily doses of valium, we can eliminate child abuse, bloody healthcare reform, political beaurocratic bull, and crime, problem solved!

Pretty much just my thoughts for today, is all. I just want a # 6 with a coke, some valium and a shank. To go.

Dear Mr. "Not So Private" Investigator

2009-10-12T12:57:00.000-05:00

So, Im not gonna go into alot of background... but Im in a messy divorce process, my "husband" is calculating and pretty much out for blood. And, as per his usual MO, he likes to hire people to follow me. Tap phone lines, hack into my bank/email/fbook stuff... go thru my trash, oh you name it, he does it. So when I finally got 100% proof that once again, he hired a PI to dig dirt, I was lucky enough to find out who it was. Took about an hour, and I pretty much knew all about him. But this time, since I'm at my wits end, I decided that I was not going to take this lying down as I usually have done in the past. For the past month, I have been fighting fire with BOMBS. So I tracked Mr Investigator down, found out where he lived, and mysteriously found myself in his neighborhood.... don't know how that happened, but it did. Oh, and I also happened to have my camera in tow. So, yes, I decided to turn the tables on Mr "Paid Harrassment". Called him, left him a nice little message. But didn't really feel better. So I emailed him.... and then attached all the pics of HIS house, and HIS vehicles to the email. Below, is the email he received, and since this is what awarded me the 2 pipe wrench cross award from the oil field guys, I thought it worthy enough to share with you all. So read on, and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. (yes, I removed all names other than his, and some personal details as well)

All The Facts Investigations
Mr. John Christian Shidler
XXXX Whitehall Pl
746-XXXX hm
222-5676 off

Dear Mr. "Not so Private" Investigator: I'm sure by now you have received my telephone message in regards to your services acquired by my abusive (well, "alleged", who can do nothing but hire a lawyer, shut his mouth and refuse a polygraph and to cooperate with detectives, but you get the point) husband. How did I find you? Ha, he's been following me for years I tell ya! You don't spend 14 years married to a control freak abuser and not figure out his new game of choice. So, I tell you what.... this little game he's paying you to do, is over. I know who you are, I know where you live, heck, I even know your wife's name (name went here) and place of employment... XYZ Middle School, right? Assistant principal? Good job actually, great retirement! Actually, I paid a little visit to your OWN house last night, as you seem to enjoy visiting mine... thought I would return the favor. I have all kinds of info on you.... court cases with Americredit, notary forgeries, your ham call sign (NS5Z), your lic #... your daughter's name and license plate numbers of ALL your vehicles.... shall I continue? You're wifes father, RIP who died back in 1989... Jan was it?? Yes, the 12th.... God bless him. And as I recall, she has a couple of siblings, and was in the graduating class of Parkway, 73? And you, with your father getting you started with your brothers on Ham Radio? What a warm fuzzy I'm getting, great family mental picture! Want some more? Or, are we good? Oh, I can just go on and on and on... Now listen up, John. And listen good. Make NO mistake, this is not a game. Next time I see you following me, or driving ANYWHERE near my home or children, I will call the police (as per their instruction, by the way) and you will be added to my lovely protective order I have against my wonderful husband. I would advise you to stay out of this..... Or I will bring you down exactly as I am going to do to him. Just a fair warning, I might add. You have a daughter, right? XXXXXX? (congrats, btw on her 05 graduation from Centenary, Psych major... ooh, very nice! Maybe she can help my husband out with his, little, uh "problem"?) But, would you ever think of (detail removed) her? Probably not... but if someone DID, for 11 years, abuse her in the worst way possible, I believe that you would feel the same as I do.... and would not stop, at anything, or anyone who got in your way of making sure that person rotted in prison, am I right? Even if that person is some stupid, caught at his game, private investigator.... What, you just gotta sign up to be a PI? Ha. But, back to your daughter.... Welcome to my situation, and YOUR twisted and sick client who is going to pay for hurting and abusing my daughter. You can believe it, or not, I couldn't care less. But I will promise you this: I find you following me again, and I will contact everyone possibly known to man.... you're wife's school, her faculty, the state, the school board, the news, EVERYONE....and I will most assuredly let them know about the "dirty" money your taking from your latest client. Think I'm bluffing, try me. And if you want a little more proof, take a moment to glance at the pics, of your own house that I have attached. Don't push me, I may not be as "slick" as you, but I'm one smart (uh, profanity removed), with an axe to grind, and I bet you I can play your game better than you can. I'm a pissed off mother with a (detail removed) child. SO BACK OFF. Oh, and one more thing.... call ANY of my friends again, and I won't bother contacting you. I will go straight to the news media, and will blow you out of the water so fast, you will have wished you never met my husband, or heard from the likes of me.... ONE TIME, John. ONE. I will be watching you, like you are watching me.... sitting back, listening, and waiting. I believe the next move is yours??? Go ahead, play it. :)